#1) Believe deep down it is not your fault, no matter what the actions were leading up to the rape, you need to know and accept there is nothing that justifies rape and you didn’t do anything to deserve it! Everyone I talk to feels guilty or ashamed in one form or another, but what you don’t understand is the person that is deserving of the guilt and shame is the person that chose to do the rape, NOT YOU! The rape was not about anything you did, it is about the attacker needing control and they are responsible for their actions NOT YOU!!!
#2) You need to try and do your best to deal with your feelings as they arise. I’ve learned that in order to feel like a survivor you face them head on. You have two options, deal with them head on or run from them. The problem is when you run, your demons become your shadow and you can never outrun your shadow, so it is best to try and deal with your emotions head on instead of trying to outrun something you can’t.
#3) The one thing I learned the hard way was that none of my loved ones reacted they way I thought they would, so I immediately was more concerned with their thoughts and actions than my own healing process. I see this almost every time when counseling a survivor. The first thing I hear is, “What is my family (often spouse/partner) going to think?” or “how are they going to react?” My typical response is, “I know you are worried about their reactions BUT aren’t you more worried about your well being for you and your family?” Before you expend your energy on controlling someone else’s feelings (when ultimately you can’t) you should take that energy to heal yourself. Because you truly need to believe that you did nothing to lead up to the rape and know in your heart it wasn’t your fault. When YOU realize it doesn’t matter what you were wearing, where you were at or what you were doing, then it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks! The bottom line is you have to take care of yourself first before you can take care of anyone else!
#4) Surround yourself with the people who support you and distance yourself (at least temporarily) from those who don’t.
#5) Find the positive in something everyday and focus on it no matter how small or stupid it is. A lot of days you will have to dig deep to find it, even if it is splurging on a dessert or watching your favorite TV show, but you must find something positive everyday to keep you going. This will also help train your brain that you can block out the negative.
#6) Remember that you can’t change the past so stop focusing on it with – shoulda, coulda, woulda – because it doesn’t matter since the past can’t be changed. If you are focusing on something you wished you would have done differently or beating yourself up with something you did, then you do not believe it wasn’t your fault, step #1. YOU MUST BELIEVE THAT IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT and until you do you have a long struggle in your recovery. Remember NOTHING JUSTIFIES RAPE!
#7) Focus on what you DO have control of and that is your future. The day I stopped letting my assaulter control my life is the day I realized I could be dead. At that moment (about 9 months later) even though I knew my assaulter took something from me, I realized he did not take my life and I wasn’t about to give him another day of MY life! He doesn’t deserve it, not one more minute! I felt this huge relief that I sat down and cried for hours. From that day on I stopped worrying about my past and what anyone else thought and focused on appreciating the life I had left. Now I’m not saying I skipped off into the sunset, but that was the day I stopped feeling sorry for myself (those emotions are allowed – for a while) and picked myself up and took a step forward instead of backwards.
#8) DO NOT turn to drugs and alcohol to mask the pain, once again you MUST FEEL IN ORDER TO HEAL. Alcohol and/or drugs are only a temporary fix and does absolutely nothing to solve the problem other than to push it deeper. You must deal with it and the more you feel and release, the more room you have to heal.
#9) DON’T rely on anyone else to heal you. You will heal as much as you put the work into it. Hopefully you will have support, but you need to know while it is OK to accept help from others, only you can heal yourself. Healing yourself through some type of professional counseling, whether group, individual or anonymously. A lot of cities offer free counseling or support groups through their local crisis centers. There are your some church groups or if you health insurance (make sure mental health is covered under your plan) use that. Some employers have EAP (employee assistance programs) that are completely anonymous even to your employer and usually offer a couple free visits. Go to rainn.org to find the closest counselor to you. There are so many resources, just make the commitment to start helping yourself and you’ll find a way!
#10) While the above suggestions are more long term, I would like to make some suggestions for baby steps that can help “right now”. My most successful suggestion is to right down your feelings at the end of the day (good or bad) whatever they are just as a release. This is good for survivors or immediate family members trying to cope as well. It is up to you whether or not you keep it, it is just a way for you to get your honest and true emotions out and not keep them deep inside you, which only fester. Warms baths are great before bed along with a good book to take me away, if even for 30 minutes. I always try to keep a book in purse, dvd at home or cd in car that I love and makes me feel good that I can immediately turn to to brighten my mood. And if you don’t have a pet, get one! Pets are amazing and offer true unconditional love BUT make sure you have the time to love and nurture your pet and you will get nothing less back!
#11) Think about taking a self defense class. After being raped your sense of security is shot and an excellent way to start to get it back is taking a self defense class. It is very empowering and a good confidence builder.
#12) Try yoga (if you don’t alreaady), it is truly amazing how it makes you feel calm and can just release the stress and anxiety. Never tried it until after my rape and I still have the same at home beginner dvds I’ve used for years, but I love them and I truly feel empowered, strong and relaxed when I’m done. They say you can heal your body through your breathing and I believe it. Tell me you don’t feel a little better after you take a few big deep breaths. Well, when you are doing yoga, not only is your body trying to align and release your stress you are holding in your body, but you are really breathing the whole time and getting oxygen to your entire body, which is not only a calming affect but helps the tightness in your muscles to release. So trust me just try it a few times, you don’t have to do it perfect (which is why I do it at my house) but I always feel better afterwards, never fails..
Dealing with Rape 
Hi Lynn, thank you for your reply and your advice. I just read this and now I don’t know what to do because I have continued speaking to him about the incident because I thought it made me feel better, I figured at least he could know the damage he has caused/done to me. I have lashed out several times at him and tried to get everything I was feeling out there. I have called the crisis centre and will be going in on Monday, I have also called the Sexual Offense Unit and will also be going there on Monday (tomorrow). I am still confused to be honest. I went to church today and thought about telling the pastor about it but I’m not sure if I want to be alone with a man that I don’t trust completely. But I do think that he would be able to give me some sound advice. I am still trying to sort out the muddled thoughts in my head. I do know that it was rape and I will report it. Another thing, do you think I should accept the money from him? The money that he is going to reimburse me for the doctor’s visit. Please help, I’m so confused!
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J. I’m sorry for the delay as I was on vacation. But my opinion is do not take the money do not speak to him, especially if you are going to report it because it does not make your case look good if you are still in contact with him for any reason. I hope you did not tell him you were reporting it either because I’m concerned for your safety. Rape is hard to convict unless you have hard core evidence and the fact that you are in contact will definitely hurt the case. I’m not saying don’t report, you absolutely should but you must stay away, block his number and get some pepper spray. Avoid at all costs! Stay strong! Lynn
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I am here again, i have done pretty much everything suggested to help me get past this…. But it just isn’t working, i have been speaking to two different therapists but again nothing helps with the nightmares and the everyday triggers…. I go to bed at night and say im going to get up run again and live my life and make the best life i can for my son… but… i get up and am tired the only reason i get out of bed is because i have a son who cant lay in bed all day… Between nightmares triggers and the harsh reality of me wanting to be skinny again ( since everything i have gained weight and i hate it just another thing i cant deal with) it is just all so much… like i said i go to bed then in the morning it is like “why bother?”. Before what happened i was just a go lucky teenager and loved being 17… now at 20 i still cannot move past what happened.. its pathetic… but i let myself get into the situation i didn’t leave my ex and so him and all his friends were able… to rape and abuse me…. i let that happen… I love my son to bits but it is is a constant reminder of how he was conceived and i get asked who his father is… what about the day he asks who his dad is? I don’t really want to tell him he is a baby of rape and abuse… i think i have just come to the conclusion that im am worthless and pathetic just like my ex told me… why else cant i get over it? Move past it? Just be happy again? Get up and exercise again? Play outside all day with my son? Or get a job? I was on social services but after my son turned a year old they cut it off.. i understand that as i don’t want to live the rest of my life on the system… but the worker told me when i said i couldn’t get a job she said “Well maybe you should have thought about all this before you got knocked up and moved to this town”….. I get a job interview then i go in talk and 99 percent of the time the boss is a guy none of them do anything but being in their office alone or how they hold the door open something always makes me tell them i have to go… it is stupid and pathetic but it makes me want to puke. Living in Canada has less resources as well, and now that i am no longer a teenager i am just another slut young mom… Well i guess i have went on about my sob story and poor me speech long enough….. thank you for reading….
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S. Have you tried going to the doctor to see if you possibly have PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder)? If you haven’t you should. Start by telling the Doc that you are going to therapy and have tried many things and it just isn’t working. Not only is this about the rape but it’s about the emotional abuse you took for so long as well as the stress of raising your son. But I have to tell you I’m glad you have your son so you don’t give up. I was a young mother too. I had my daughter at 16 abeit not from rape. But I too wanted to give up because he verbally abused me, cheated and then left me at 16 with a child. he never has seen his daughter again, who is now 31. It’s definitely not as bad as your story but as I said I too wanted to give up and my daughter saved my life. I learned to live for her and then eventually for me again. I realized that if I gave up then my daughter wouldn’t have any parents and that is what turned me around. So I’m so glad you have your son and you know what he never has to know he is a child of rape and he never has to know of your mental and physical abuse because it is all the past. You have today and your future and it can only be what you make of it. So I want you to start writing your thoughts about an hour before bed, whatever they are good or bad. When you are done I want you to think of one good thing that day and then I want you to think of what you want for your son and you in the future. Then I want you to do yoga either from a cheap beginners dvd that you can do at home or look up some relaxing yoga poses online that you can do with the deep breathing. While you are doing this right before bed remember those positive thoughts. If you don’t do yoga then at the very least meditate with deep breathing for 15 minutes right before bed. I promise you it will help your sleep. BUT you must get all the negative thoughts out on paper before you so this to empty your mind for the positive thoughts. Do this EVERY night and it’s like training your mind over time. Stick with the therapy because if you don’t you are giving up. And when people say ignorant things to you look at them as being ignorant and let it go. We can’t help what people say but we can choose how we feel about it. Stay strong! Lynn
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I was raped 5 months ago on holiday I was out with my friends in a club and I had an allergic reaction to redbull I drank some by accident I got took to the toilets by my mate and I needed fresh air I was sat outside and this man came over to me asking for directions I got up to give him the best way to get to where he wanted to be then I dropped to the floor he picked me and took me around the back of the club I told him il be ok I really wasn’t but I just needed to get away , he through me against the wall gripped me by the throat and threw me on the floor I couldn’t move ad could hardly speak next minute he was on top of me he had my hands behind my head and his knees on my legs I said please don’t I could hardly move and then he was inside me pushing really hard I tried to get him off but I was too weak and I couldn’t he hit me across the face and wanted me to say his name after he finished he ejaculated on and inside me then ran away I must of passed out for abit coz when I woke up I was undressed and in a right state , I feel so stupid for it coz if I didn’t have that redbull maybe I would of stood a chance I’ve only told 1 person and that’s my close friend the what ifs are driving me crazy I was abused when I was 8 by my next door neighbour I can’t cope with any of it anymore I feel like its all my fault ad I deserved it for being so stupid and I can’t deal with how I feel I’m so hurt and I actually sometimes wish he had finished me off that night!
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KDR, first IT WASN’T YOUR FAULT! Just because you drank a redbull doesn’t mean you were stupid nor doesnt it mean you shouldhv been raped. If you daughter came to you and told you the same story would you say it was her fault? No you wouldn’t because it wasn’t. But I do understand the hurt you are feeling and you are not alone even though I know it feels like it. Rape is not something we are hardwired to deal with which is why you need professional counseling. The only thing worse than rape is murder and I know he took something from you but you still do have life. So you must stop with the what ifs and move on to what now because the past can’t be changed. You have to look at it as you are alive not dead and you can have a good life but you will have to work for it, through counseling. And if you read any of the other post you will know no matter how much time goes by days, months, years until you get counseling it won’t get better. It can not be shoved under the rug and forgotten no matter how hard you try, it is like a shadow that you can’t run from. So you have to meet it head on and deal with it. Counseling isn’t easy BUT it’s not as difficult as what you went through and it ABSOLUTELY helps! You can call your local crisis center or go to rainn.org to find the nearest counselor to you. Just know the longer you take to get it the longer it takes to heal. Rape is about control not you and it doesn’t define you BUT everyday that this is ruining your life is another day he is in control of you. Don’t let him be in control another day, take control back of your life because he doesn’t deserve another minute. Go get the counseling you and your future needs because you deserve to be happy! Stay strong! Lynn
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I cant say the word cause part of me still feels like he was able to cause we were dating he was a very controlling person and even when i said no to doing sexual things he would always get me to say yes but making me feel bad, the first time i tried holding to my no and saying i didn’t want to he did it anyways I told my sister about it a few months after it happened and that’s when she labeled it and idk why i still cant say the word but this happened about three years ago and its been bothering me alot lately and i know i need to get over it cause its affected some of my decisions in other relationships im not big on counseling i went one day and i hated it but i know i need to do something soon.
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B yes you do need to go to counseling, and try someone different if you didn’t like it the first time. Call a local crisis center or go to rainn.org to find someone near you that specializes in rape. Make sure to get a female too. Just know that the longer you take to get counseling the longer it takes and adversely affects other aspects in your life as you go. It isn’t easy but it’s not as hard as what you went through and what you are currently going through. When you find that person that is empathetic and supportive it will so help. It isn’t overnight either, in fact the more you work at it the quicker you will be in a happier state. Just know rape is like your shadow, you can never run from it so you have to turn and face it head on. You say this guy was controlling well that is exactly what rape is about control, not you. And everyday that this controls your life he is still in control. He doesn’t deserve another minute so get the counseling that you already know you need. But hey realizing it and going is a great first step to the rest of YOUR life, not his! Stay strong! Lynn
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I just want to talk to someone who understands. Its hard to randomly feel overwhelmed by something that happened 3 years ago. My parents and my sister do not know, but close friends and my boyfriend know and are amazing at listening. Its just, sometimes its hard to talk about because they don’t know what its like so the can only do so much. I feel like I have a pretty good grip on things. I won’t let myself be a victim. I am successful, smart, and talented. The hardest part about all of this for me, are the people who don’t know. Because they don’t know, they make unfair judgements about my life. I live with my boyfriend, we have been dating 2 and 1/2 years now. He met me when I was incredibly vulnerable and helped me more than I think he knows. I was starting to turn my life around when we met. I was an alcoholic (something my family also doesn’t know) and lucky me, the guy I meet, doesn’t drink. He helped me in this process and never pushed things with me. Once I graduated college, I moved in with this amazing person. This is where issues arise. I come from a very conservative background and a lot of people had a lot of things to say about this. However, I couldn’t imagine feeling safer with anyone else, this is my support system. So when I hear these negative comments about where I am living, it breaks me down because they don’t understand because they don’t know that I was raped. My views are different from theirs and I can’t outright tell them that I was an alcoholic and that I was raped. I don’t want to feel that weak. My views are different because I tried to get help with my drinking problem from my youth pastor and he turned me away. He turned me away and I spiraled out of control with drinking. Since then I have had trouble with churches because I feel so judged when I walk in the room. My drinking led up the rape which in turn made the drinking worse. To shorten this story because I don’t want to talk about the rape and the aftermath, essentially I need a way to deal with these people who are telling me I am living my life wrong by living with my boyfriend. If they knew the whole story I think I would be judged for my drinking problem, because they only know that I don’t drink now and pitied for the rape, which I don’t want. So telling them is out of the question. How can I cope with their comments because their comments are what bring up all of the bad feelings that I’ve worked hard to overcome.
-R
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R. Hopefully you’ve got counseling for the rape because accepting that you can’t control what others say, think or act is part of the counseling process. It basically helps you get your head straight and then you no how to deal with others. The reason being is whether or not people know about the rape, we can’t let what they think control or hurt us because we have a strong set mind. It also helps with your support system of friends and family because they can only do so much. They want to do more especially when something triggers or pops up that bothers you and they don’t know what to do or say or feel helpless because they can’t do more. When you get the counseling you need you let them know all you need from them is an ear to listen, shoulder to cry on or company when you need it. Other than that they really can’t do much else even though they want to (but that is a lot and necessary). So the burden is actually taken off them because they know you are getting the professional help you need that they can’t give you. So I know you were looking for a better answer but the one thing again that I learned was I can’t control what anyone else thinks so I have to learned to be ok with that and pretty much chalk it up to their ignorance and not let it eat at me. We can only control ourselves, no one else. Also, don’t know if you have or not but you should never go into big details with your boyfriend because that can have an adverse reaction down the line. They absolutely need to know about the rape so you were fine but significant others don’t need to know all the details. Close friends who don’t judge can as long as they can keep your confidence but not significant others. The person you need to talk to is counselors. I would like to address something else, I don’t want to you feel guilty about drinking. Not sure if you do but it kinda sounded like you blame the rape on your drinking. There is no excuse for rape, not drugs, not drinking nothing so know that. So the bottom line is if you feel you can’t tell your parents (if you did you could leave the drinking out, again they don’t need to know the details either) then you will need to learn how to deal with their comments and I think you can achieve that through the counseling process. You sound like you are very strong and have done very well so counseling would only improve on that. Stay strong! Lynn
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I will make a doctors apt, I had a female doc ( the only one here where i live) But she has gone on maternity leave. The doctor who has come in and replaced her is a young guy he is very nice as i have brought me son in… but i dont know about talking to him about things, i can try… he is really nice and listens but he is a man and i have some issues.
I need to get a job but like i said i just cant, it causes so much anxiety.
I will try those things and see if they help
thank you
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S. Especially tell your doctor how it is interfering with you being able to get a job or even get through an interview. And start by telling him that is is very difficult for you to discuss this with him because of being a male but that you will try and ask him to have patience. You can even ask for a female nurse to be in the room with you IF you think that will help. You don’t need to go into details BUT you do need to tell him how long you took the mental and physical abuse and you do need to tell him that it wasn’t only him he also brought his friends in to rape you as well almost like their slave. Make sure you say that you were held against your will so they don’t ask why didn’t you run or something like that. I know why you didn’t and I understand but people that haven’t been through it may delve deeper and you don’t need to go there with him. I’m hoping he doesn’t ask too many questions but if he does just say it is to hard to talk about it and that is why you are in therapy. I hope that helps and I hope he can help you. Let him know you have to get a job to support your son and your therapy. Lynn
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I was raped on holiday, it was horrible. The only I’ve told is my boyfriend but every night I have nightmares about it and walke up crying and shouting. I’m 17 and i don’t want people to know cause I don’t want them to pity me, how can I get through it, please help me.
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You need professional counseling and the quicker you get it the quicker you will have relief. It will also take the burden off your boyfriend since he doesn’t know what to do for you and sometimes they want to back away because they feel so helpless. If you go to counseling you are helping yourself in a way that he doesn’t know how to and not only will it help you it will help your relationship. You can get the appropriate help you need and can tell him all you need from him is a shoulder to lean on and hugs when you need to feel safe. The person who you need to be talking to about the rape is the counselor. It’s not easy but it isn’t as hard as what you’ve already been through and the longer you wait the longer it takes in counseling because it affects your life in so many different ways. try writing your thoughts before bed because this is a mental release. It doesn’t make a difference what you are writing about just your thoughts about the day how you are feeling any triggers you may have. You don’t have to show them to anyone one or even keep them OR you can save them and take to counseling to discuss. It doesn’t happen overnight but this like I said is a mental release so all your thoughts aren’t in your head when you go to bed. I would also suggest trying either yoga or meditation after you write out your thoughts. something at home where you are relaxed and it doesn’t matter if you are doing it great or not. It’s more about the breathing with the positions that relaxes you and you can just get a beginners 20 minute dvd. But this helps tremendously with sleeping better and the better you sleep the less anxiety you will have. But counseling is a must so call your local crisis center or go to rainn.org to find the nearest one to you. stay strong! Lynn
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i got raped 4 years ago by one of my close friends down the street. i was twelve years ago. i remember all my life i had the biggest crush on him but he nvr payed any attention to me like tht , but once he heard i had my first boyfriend and idk what happened everything snapped or something. he was yelling at me to send him pictures (and me kindof liking him ) was trying to be nice and polite saying no , but he kept yelling at me and i just did it:/ and after tht he used it as blackmail telling me hed show everyone and he forced me to strip for him and stuck him off and let him touch me:/ it wasent ever full penetration i cud fight enough to stop that from happening…atleast. he told each of my boyfriends after hed make me do things tht i was a slut and got each of them to break up with me for “cheating”…and all the guys on the block wud tease me oh was it big enough howd u like it hmmmmm? and id go home crying everyday. i just stopped going outside i tried killing myself twice i cudnt take it. but its been 4 years now…and i cant let go. i cant take sexy pictures for my new boyfriends and wen we try to have intimate moments anything past kissing i start to cry and curl up and zone out. idk wat to do i cut all the time to deal with it i feel so god awful its like im taking out my problems on them:/
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T. I’m really sorry that you are having to go through this, especially at such a young age. I would like to make a couple of suggestions that hopefully will help. First of all even though I know you want to be loved I don’t think having a boyfriend right now is what you need. You need to learn to love yourself right now and when you are able to do that then you can look for love. Also, PLEASE don’t take any pics of yourself to give to others that is really exploiting you and is ultimately hurting you NOT healing you. That is why you can’t do it because your subconscious knows it is wrong. And so is the boy asking you to do it. I understand why you are in such a dark place BUT I know you can get out of it if you take the proper steps. That being #1 get professional counseling, #2 you don’t need a boyfriend right now #3 you need to put all your focus on you. You can’t control what anyone else thinks and does but you can control what you think and do. Start by trying not to hurt yourself anymore and help yourself. Maybe if you understand what this boy did to you. Rape and/or sexual molestation is about control and that is what that boy did to you from day one, he controlled you. And everyday that goes by with you living life the way you are now is essence he is still controlling you. None of this was your fault and he doesn’t deserve to control you another minute. So if you can get strong and go get the counseling you need, you will be taking back control of your life. Counseling will help you to not be affected by what others say, it will help you look at your future and not your past (since unfortunately it can’t be changed). It will help you flourish in your future relationships and to know what a healthy relationship is. It will help you be happy again! Doesn’t that sound good to actually have control of your life and to be happy and not worry about others? I know it does so please get the counseling you need, I promise it will help and even though its not easy it isn’t as hard as everything that you’ve been through and it will be worth it. Stay strong! Lynn
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I was raped for 4 years straight and its hard getting through it because nobody in my family believes me. When I called the police my parents told them not to believe me, it almost happened again but I got away and again I tried telling my parents and they still didnt believe me. I go to bed every night crying and wondering why did this ever happen to me. I know its all my fault.
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J. I’m sorry your family doesn’t believe you, is it by someone they know? Just wondering because I can’t imagine why they wouldn’t believe you. Not sure how old you are but you can still seek help from a school counselor or a local crisis center. Do you have any evidence from the past rapes like DNA that could prove to the police and your family? If not just work on getting yourself better. The first step is to stop blaming yourself. There is no excuse for rape and you did not deserve it nor did you cause it. It is not your fault! Rape is about control and that is what this person did to you, he controlled you and knew he could since no one believed you. So he continued. I’m glad you were able to get away and that is the best thing you can do is get and stay as far away as possible for your safety. I would be telling someone until they believed me and get as far away as possible so it doesn’t happen again. Call your local crisis center to ask for the help you need. Stay strong! Lynn
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I am 14 years old and this past week, I was raped by a friend. He had asked me if I would come with him to a classroom to grab a cellphone that his teacher had taken up. I agreed to go with him and I found myself outside a dark classroom. He opened the door and motioned for me to come inside. He told me to be quiet so I won’t alert the other teachers that he was grabbing his phone. I close the door quietly and set down my backpack. As I turned back around to faec him, he kisses me. I push him off and whispered’ “What the hell are you doing?!” He replied, “I thought you and I wanted the same thing.” He stuffed his jacket in my mouth and pinned my wrists together with one hand and started to unbutton my jeans with the other. I tried to kick his legs so I could run, but he put me on my hands and knees and trapped my legs with his. That’s when he raped me. I gave up. I quit fighting and waited until he was done. I was hurt. After he was done, he put his pants back on, told me to do the same, and said, “If you tell anyone about this, I swear to God that I’ll make you pay. But if you just pretend that this never happened, I can guarentee that it will never happen again.” With that, he grabbed my arm and pulled me up as I was putting my jeans back on. He picked up my backpack, put it on my back, and told me to smile and act like everything is fine and that he and I are still good friends. I think he did that for just in case there was someone outside and he did it for the cameras. This happened on Monday. I didn’t tell my parents about it, but I told a close friend of mine on Wednesday night at church. As soon as it was over, I picked up my sister and met up with my stepfather outside the church. We headed home. I wasn’t even home for 5 minutes when there’s a knock. My mom answers it and saw my friend’s mother. My mom turns to me and asked, “Were you raped?” I try to deny it, claiming that I had mentioned to my friend that another friend of mine hinted at being raped, but not me. My friend immedietly comes oiut of the car and says, “You can’t lie about this. This isn’t something that you can move on from. I know that you’re angry at me, but I had to do this.” My mom asks me again if I was raped and I nodded. She immedietly took me to the ER. THe ER notified the police and I was questioned for an hour before they asked if I could come to the police station. I told them that I didn’t want to press charges. They left it alone and let me go home. The next day at school, I broke up with my boyfriend because I had felt like I had betrayed him. He thinks that the reason why I broke up with him was because he embarasses me, but that wasn’t true. I still have feelings for him. He told a friend of mine that he was planning on breaking up with me already. I wish that I could tell him the reason why I broke up with him. This is my story. Your advice really helped a lot 🙂 I am a freshman in high school and I had switched over to that school from another and up til Monday, I had loved the school. Again, your advice had helped me like CRAZY.
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F. I’m so very glad my advice helped you and I would like to offer some more. First NEVER lie about rape because it makes your story seem less credible and it is hard enough for people to want to help us or believe us when it is our word against theirs IF there is no evidence. So please never lie. I know you might feel ashamed or scared but you need to understand that the rape doesn’t define you, it is just something that happened to you. It doesn’t make you lessor of a person, it only defines that rapist as a rapist. Another reason you want to tell the truth is because rape is about control and when the other person feels they can get away with it then they are still in control and when they feel in control it is possible that they will do it again to you or someone else, because they can. That is why I suggest taking self defense classes also to help protect yourself and of course if possible stay as far away as you can from this person. I would especially tell your school guidance counselor if you have to go to the same school so they can help protect you from this person as well. Stay strong! Lynn
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I am a 19 female, and I was raped earlier this week. We had met on a dating site and I agreed to meet him, we were only supposed to make out. But as things got more heated it got more serious. I told him I didn’t want to have sex and he said things to me and I didn’t fight him. While he was raping me I told him to stop that I hurt, he responded by saying you know it’s suppost hurt right? I said yes and to stop, then every time I pulled away he pulled back. I didn’t know why he stopped but he did; he told me to put my clothes on and not to get anything on his seats. At the time I was freaking out because it was my first time and I felt so guilty and ashamed. I had him drop me off on the side of the road, and I just started running. I couldn’t go home; I felt like such a whore. I called my best friend, and told her what happened. She told me I was just raped and that I needed to call the police. I cried and talked to her on the way to another friend’s house. My friend opened her door and I feel into her arms and sobbed. I handed her the phone and she and her roommate called the police. I filed a report and went to the hospital. I couldn’t have done this without any of my friends and I hate to think where I might be right now. I am currently trying to press charges against my assailant and I’m ready to start moving on. When this is all over I plan on getting a tattoo that says survivor; because I refuse to be his victim any longer. Reading this has really helped me and I just wanted to say thank you so much.
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S.B. I’m so sorry this happened to you but I’m so glad I was able to help! The fact that you already know that this doesn’t define who you are is a huge step. This only defines your assaulter as a rapist not you so stand up tall and don’t be ashamed because you are not a whore. What you ARE is a STRONG women that won’t let this person control your life. You do need counseling, we all do so please don’t deprive yourself the one thing that will help you and your future to understand how to deal with the emotions to come. I’m SO PROUD of you because you sound like you are not going to let this guy control you and that is what rape is about. Which is why you need the counseling because he might not physically be around but if he is controlling your emotions and way of life (depression and feelings of not able to move on) then he is still in control. It sounds like you are not gonna let that happen and that means your life will be happy again very soon. Stay strong! Lynn
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does anyone have advice with letting go….was raped and beat (by now ex) it has been years ago…..it has messed up every relationship i have had since,,,,,thing go good for a while…than something will happen and it is like it hits me….i have done conseling i know it wasnt my fault…i am a stronger person and will never be treated like that again…but it doesnt make it feel any better and i cant share with people i know…only two people i know than and now what happened…and in way i feel it has changed the way i am treated and looked at…any advice????before i lose myself again??
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T with question, Letting go is about facing rape head on (not pushing it aside or burying it), knowing it’s not your fault and not let it define you and forgiveness. It sounds like you faced it head on if you went to counseling, but if it is still negatively affecting you then maybe you need more counseling, as it goes in stages. Sounds like you have already conquered #2 by truly believing it’s not your fault and that is a def positive. Now I think you need to forgive, not him but you. Forgive everything that you beat yourself up over throughout that time. That is like a cancer sitting on your soul. All that time you sat there and said I should have and could have, just stop and forgive yourself. Another thing I want you to do is anytime you are thinking about having a sexual relationship with someone, tell them you are a rape survivor and you are dealing with it but they need to know. You DO NOT need to go into specifics even if they want you to, this is NOT the scenario they need to know only that you are and it is part of you but you have dealt with it through counseling. They need to know this because if they aren’t in it for the right reasons they will get out and you need to know BEFORE you give yourself up if they are in it or not. another reason they need to know is if you do have a trigger they will hopefully be compassionate and at the same time understanding it is not them but just what you are going through. This takes a lot of pressure off the other person. Oh and you also need to tell them that you don’t expect anything from them other than their empathy and support. If they say OK (and act like it) then you know this is the type of person for you and in it for the right reasons. Also, if you are getting stressed try some yoga, it always helps. I do mine at home when I have the time and especially after a stressful day. Stay strong! Lynn
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I WAS RAPE IN MARCH. AFTER IT HAPPEN I TERIED TO ACT LIKE NOTHING NEVER HAPPEN AND I WENT ON WITH MY LIFE. I WAS GETTING SICK AND WAS HAVE ALOT OF PROBLEMS THEN I HAD FOUND OUT I WAS PREGNANT.NOW EVERYTHING I WAS TRYING TO FORGET HAS CAME BACK TO THE LIGHT AND I’M GOING CRAZY I’M A BABY MY KIDS ARE HAPPY BUT I’M NOT I FEEL NOTHING FOR THIS BABY AND ITS HURTS CAUSE HIS MY CHILD TO.
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K You need to get into professional counseling immediately. This isn’t something that you are meant to handle alone. Maybe even look for a group therapy class, I think you could build life long friends that are in your same situation and would understand and help you. The feelings that you don’t connect are normal but if you keep the child you must learn how to cope for both of your sakes. So call your local crisis center or go to rainn.org to find the nearest counselor to you. You are not alone and no one expects you to be, so please get the help you need and deserve. Lynn
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I am 23 and I’ve been raped by two different men. I was young and got involved with an abusive man at the age of seventeen; I became pregnant and moved out of the house I called home. He was violent all throughout our relationship which only lasted a little over a year & a half. My sister saw the bruises and called the cops. I got away from this man psychically but not mentally. I met this door to door salesman about a year after the abusive relationship had ended. He was very straight forward and he knew what he wanted in life, and I liked that about him. We began dating and a little over two weeks into our relationship he asked me to stay the night with him, I agreed unfortunately. When it was time to go to bed he kept touching me and I didn’t like it so I just kept saying “I’m tired”. I guess that didn’t matter to him cause the next thing I know is he forces me on my stomach and puts his hand in the middle of my back. All through the attack I kept saying please stop over and over again but he did not listen. I felt so dirty and used, it brought back all the times my daughter’s father would rape and sodomize me. I felt dumb because I had just got out of an abusive relationship and here I was again being abused/raped. I waited for over two years before I had told anyone and when I did it was just an overwhelming time of emotions. My sister was crying with me and I decided to tell my mother just to get it off my chest cause I felt even more ashamed that I was hiding it from her. I told her about it in detail and all she said was “you basically asked for it didn’t ya”. Nothing more nothing less and now I feel even worse. Is my mother right did I ask for it because I had stayed with him? I’m so confused about it one minute I think my mother is right and the next I’m so angry with her for blaming me. I don’t talk about it to anyone anymore and I need your opinion. Was m y mother right or do I have the right to be angry with her still? And why would she blame me and say that to me?
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T. Absolutely you have a right to be upset with your mother and NO NO NO she is NOT right. Through all my counseling I here ignorant remarks that you would never expect but they do come and it is because of ignorance on their part. I will tell you though when I hear these comments from women I wonder if for them to make a comment like that if something similar hadn’t happened to them in the past. Because we barely talk about it now let alone back in the day, when it was a mans world and they would blame us. I truly think either it happened to them or someone they knew if that is the type of response you rec’d and if you have a good relationship with your Mom. So that being said, go easy on her and chalk it up to ignorance KNOWING that she is not right. There is no excuse whatsoever for rape, period. she is set in her ways of thinking so don’t try and change her mind because she isn’t the person you need to work on, it’s yourself. I wouldn’t recommend talking to her to much about it but I would recommend going to counseling. Once you learn how to deal and get your head straight you will be able to deal with everyone else and their ignorance. But take care of yourself for you and your daughters sake. Stay strong! Lynn
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I am 21 years old and was raped when I was 17. I had liked this older guy from my school and he had been texting me and one night asked me to come outside because he was at my house late at night. I went outside and we walked to my neighborhood park down the street. We talked forever and he was very sweet and we later on walked back to his truck. He kept flirting with me and asked me to get in his truck to sit in there and talk. I was thinking it was really late on a school night but I did anyways. I shouldn’t have gotten in the car because he took off and said he wanted to take me to a cool spot and I kept saying no it’s too late. He drove to this gravel road and drove into this open area in this cornfield. It was in the middle of no where and pitch black there. My heart stopped, I didn’t feel safe anymore. He started getting on top of me and making out with me taking off my clothes. He kept trying to have sex with me and I kept saying no and it seemed like forever. I really liked him and didn’t want to disappoint him and he then he forced it in me. I kept saying stop and he didn’t do it for long. I have told a few people but their responses have been short and almost like they don’t believe it was rape so it makes me think it was nothing and I’m wrong.
Two years ago it happened again this time I was completely drunk and had “blacked out” that night but woke up to this guy who later told me we did it with out a condom. I have been dating an incredible guy now for almost 2 years but I still have struggled with depression and will abuse alcohol now and then and feel disgusted of my past. I just feel like I can’t let the pain go.
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K. First of all if someone forces you when you are saying no that is absolutely rape, I don’t care what any of your friends think or said, it is absolutely rape. If you want your current relationship to be good (as well as any other future ones) you need to get into counseling. Rape doesn’t go away which is why we have to learn how to deal with it in our daily lives. The only thing that is going to get you there is professional counseling. Look you’ve tried it on your own since you were 17 and it still haunts you and it’s not going away. So get the counseling you need and deserve. It’s not easy but it’s not as hard as what you went through and it’s a lot easier than masking the pain with alcohol and it’s still there the next day! So call your local crisis center or call rainn.org to find the nearest counselor to you. If you are working you might even have a EAP plan through work which is free for a certain number of visits and completely confidential. The sooner you seek counseling the quicker you will get the life you want a deserve back. Stay strong! Lynn
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I was really drunk the other night and all I remember was going into a room with a guy and blacking out and the next thing I knew I was having sex with him. Knowing my drunk self I probably said yes to it but I didn’t know what I was doing. I regret it now and I don’t know what to do, I hate myself and have nightmares about it
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J. Well I look at this as a learning experience for you. I know you feel bad but I would focus on the positive and that is you probably weren’t raped. Then take it as a lesson and learn from it. Your feelings will hopefully not put you in that scenario again and that is a good thing. Because if you didn’t care and you weren’t upset it very well could turn out worse next time. Maybe this was a wake up call for you and just be happy that it most likely was not rape. Stay strong and positive! Lynn
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I am 45 years old and was celebrating my birthday at my best friends’ house. I was separated from my husband so I had no reason not be a little flirty. That night I got so drunk I passed out, and then when everyone was asleep, my friend’s brother-in-law woke me up by taking my clothes off. The thing is I can handle my alcohol and I know when I need to stop drinking and increase water intake. I have only been that drunk once and I was 19. I don;t remember most of the night. But I found out more happened that night before he raped me, that I have no recollection of. The hardest part is this was at my best friend’s house, where I felt entirely safe. And, then, I was partly blamed. I feel alone and ashamed, and horrified this could happen to my daughters. I have no trust anymore, which I had little to begin with. Socially, I am now a tramp, even though I don’t sleep around. My normal behavior has now been replaced with this one instant, where I may have been drugged. I have never felt so alone. I would normally talk to my best friend, and although she agrees what he did is wrong, she definitely wants to place some blame on me. I just don’t know what to do to heal.
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Alone, First of all you can’t be a tramp and if that is what others think when you don’t sleep around it is their own ignorance and you have to try to not let that bother you. Did you not report it to the police? I wished at the very least you would have went to the doctor. They could have taken your blood and told you if you were drugged or not. But as far as healing you should probably seek counseling. You need to get your head straight and then you know how to deal with others because it’s hard to not worry about what everyone else is thinking or saying. I would not turn to your so called friend anymore either. Just know that nothing, no actions like flirting or anything else justifies rape. And you are not alone. So get the professional help you need to get your life back on track and stay as far away from this guy and any of his connections (like your friend). Stay strong! Lynn
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Hi.
I was raped by two different people and it was a while ago. At the time, I didn’t really have anyone to talk to. I had to take emergency contraceptive and felt like it was my fault, even though I know I had nothing to do with it. I have been in a relationship for two years and my boyfriend is amazing. Sometimes I still feel disgusting about myself and ashamed. Any advice for this in particular? After all this time, it is still hard for me to look at my body and not be reminded.
Thanks in advance
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KE My best advice to you is that you need to understand that rape doesn’t go away, it’s like your shadow that you can never run from. Which is why the best recourse is to face it head on through counseling. You can read all the different blogs on here and you will not find a one over many years that they have been able to forget or sweep it under the rug. We have to learn to try and stop running and forgetting and learn how to deal with it. We were not born on this earth to understand how to deal with such a horrific thing and the only people that can truly understand what you are going through is other survivors or trained professionals. Counseling will help you deal with the rape and get your head straight and then you can move forward in your life and relationships. You will learn to believe it’s not your fault, therefore releasing all the shame you feel. You will understand that rape doesn’t define you and you won’t be embarrassed. My friends tell me that I talk about it like I’m asking them to pass the salt, because I’m not embarrassed or ashamed. I’m not saying go around and talk about it (I’m a counselor so that is part of my job) but I am saying you need to open up with someone that can help you, determine your triggers and help you move forward and out of the past. It’s not easy but you are strong and it isn’t as hard as what you’ve already been through. You deserve to move out of the past and into a happy future. Stay strong! Lynn
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Thank You.
I think I feel as if I need to “get over it” in order to be happy. I feel like I rush my feelings so that I can just move on. And I think that is what actually is holding me back because I need to learn to face what happened. It just seems so hard at this point to accept it. I still have a hard time talking about it.
I think I will look into counseling.
I really appreciate your time and your advice
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What do you do iif your sister, which I have an extremely close relationship with, continues to talk to your rapist? It has been abiut a year since I have been raped and I have not been able to accept it yet. I turned him in but the police said it was too late to charge him because lack of evidence
Any advice would be greatly appreciate because I am struggling
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KJ. Well not sure how old she is but that scares me to death. Can you tell a parent? If you turned him in you hopefully have told your parents. That’s a tough one because either she doesn’t believe you OR he has some sort of hold on her and that is a horrific feeling but the first one that comes to mind. I would tell someone that could help. If she is an adult then I would be worried that there is more going on, if not now then maybe to come. I think I’d be talking to anyone that is important to her that could change her mind even IF it meant letting them know you were raped. Because God forbid it happens to your sister, you would then be thinking of all the ways you could have tried to that happening. So don’t wait til then. Stay strong! Lynn
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i was raped by my own father when I was a baby. he still denies it and they all went to court and everything and they didnt have enough proof since I couldnt speak for myself. My older sister was 3 or 4 at that time and she says she remember him touching her and my dad was rly violent too with my mother. My mother still thinks he did it but after a few years of visits with supervision when I was 2 she decided to forget it and move on. although I was always reminded by my grandma what my dad did to me and my sister. my parents got seperated but growing up i always went to visit my dad few times per year and i always felt uncomfortable arround him. alot happend after that, i moved there a few times but it never worked out. we didnt get along. he started being violent to me to and finally kicked me out. i tried to commit suicide 3 times in my life. Now i think im at a happy place and i have a great relationship with my mom but my dad and i havent been talking ever since that time he kicked me out. until recently we exchanges emails sometimes. i told him i forgave him and he still denies the raping part. in my heart it felt right to move on and forget the past bu im not so sure anymore. i need help and i dont know where to get it. i tried everything i was on drugs for a while ..i partied alot..but now im in college i am engaged to a great man and i want to do it the right way… please someone reply to me…
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N. I’m proud of you for trying to get help the right way. First get the proper counseling you need because you have a long life of abuse that needs to be addressed. Second, you can forgive your father but I would NOT try and have a relationship with him again. If this has been going on all you life, he isn’t going to change. I’m shocked that you are willing to forgive him doing this to you and your sister, especially at such an early age. The main reason people do that to young kids is because they can’t speak for themselves and/or can’t remember. This is a disgusting act and I can pretty much guarantee it wasn’t his first or last time. Meaning you are engaged, thinking of a family and I don’t want you or your sister or anyone else for that matter to EVER let him be around little children EVER. You can forgive him for you to move on but there is no need for a relationship with this man. And don’t feel like you are making a rash decision because HE gave up that privilege when he decided to molest you. So go to a school counselor or you can go to your local crisis center or even rainn.org, just get the counseling you need. And let your fiance know that you are getting the help you need so it takes the burden off him of not knowing how to help. Just let him know that all you expect for him to be is your rock, not to have all the answers. Stay strong! Lynn
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So I met this guy a week ago at a local bar and everyone told me what a great guy and how nice and sweet he was. We were texting everyday for the past week and hung out this past Thursday night and we made out, nothing major. Well he came over again on Friday and I had some other friends over, we had all been drinking and I had taken a Xanax so I was extremely messed up and told him I was going to bed am he needed to go home. He followed me to my room saying he wanted to “tuck me in” well he kept kissing me and trying to pull my pants down and I told him no repeatedly but I was too messed up to physically put up a fight and he told me it was alright “he knew what I wanted” and he then penetrated me at which point I again said no and that he needed to stop and leave. So he did stop but then decided once again that he knew I wanted it and again began to have sex with me. I tried to tell him to stop and did tell him no several more times….this went on for hours and finally he stopped and left. He then text me this morning telling me how much he really liked me and how wonderful I was and I told him I didn’t think we needed to talk anymore that we shouldn’t have had sex an I told him no and didn’t understand why he didn’t listen. He responded with “but you liked it and I know you did” I toldy best friend who also loves with me and she said she had heard us but didn’t realize I was trying to get him to stop and that he had raped me but I’m just now sure I was really messed up but I feel like I should’ve done more to protect myself or tried harder toget him off of me but he’s at least twice my size and I felt like there was nothing I could’ve done so I only said no and stop….all I wanted to do was cry the whole time…I don’t know what to do and I do have a history with alcohol and drug abuse and I do NOT want to be driven back down that rd but its not even been 24 hrs and I feel soo lost and don’t know how to handle this I will try and follow your steps listed above and hope that helps but I know it won’t be easy for me to tell anyone other than my friend I feel like its ally fault and I deserved it…
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SF. I’m sorry for the delay as I have taken a mental break (which is needed in my line of work). But I NEED you to understand that NONE of this was your fault. Not because you were drinking and not because of any drugs you took. That being said I also don’t want you to go down that road again and am scared that you might if you continue to beat yourself up over this. You told him no and to stop and he was twice your size and you physically weren’t all there. there is no excuse that he didn’t listen the FIRST time. I will tell you the reason he is acting like you “enjoyed” it is to deter you from calling it rape. You need to stay as far away from this guy as possible ESPECIALLY if you aren’t going to report it. If you choose not to report it you MUST not EVER have contact with him again. Don’t go to places he goes and I would even change your number. Because rape is about control and if a person is raped and they don’t report it then the rapist feels they still have control and possibly might try again, and it may be with you ESPECIALLY if you keep any type of contact. It is a mental game and they want to win. The way you can make sure he isn’t in control is to get counseling right away. Because even if you never have contact, every day that goes by and you are distraught and it affects your life he is still in control. So get the help you need asap to make sure he never has that control over you again. He doesn’t deserve another minute of control and you deserve a good future, counseling will get you there. Stay strong! Lynn
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Hi…I was raped last night. I’m a freshman in college, he’s a senior. I don’t usually open up about things, but I need to talk to my friends. My roommate know, but she doesn’t know the whole story because I won’t talk to her about it. My other guy friend knows I was upset, but he doesn’t know why. I need to talk about it with them, they told me I can whenever I want. But I’m scared, I don’t know how to bring it up. I can’t sleep tonight. I want to cry, I never cry! I feel so stupid. Should I talk to them? Or just forget it? Because I feel like if I ignore it, it might go away faster.
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Anonymous, I can promise you two things 1) Ignoring it doesn’t make it go away and if you don’t believe me read over the 1,000 posts on this site to prove it. 2) If you want to talk (and you absolutely 100% should) your friends can’t do much for you. They don’t know how to help you and they most likely would prefer to ignore it because it makes them uncomfortable that they don’t know how to help. They can absolutely be a shoulder to cry on and there to help you feel safe. Those are two important things but IF you decide to talk to them let them know that is all you hope for from them. Let them know that you don’t expect them to have the answer but you just need their physical support right now. When you tell them that it will take the pressure off them for not knowing how to help. And then go talk to the person that can help the most, a professional counselor. You probably can go to the one at school or call your local crisis center or rape hotline or rainn.org. Just go talk to the person that has been trained and can actually provide you the proper mental help you need. I think it’s AMAZING that you are ready for help because the sooner you get it the quicker you will be back on track. Try yoga for not sleeping. If it is persistent then try writing out your feelings about an hour before bed then do yoga at home then try sleeping. This is a mental and physical release that helps get all the stress out. The writing will empty your mind before bed and then the yoga and breathing puts you in a calm state. The better rest you get the less anxiety you will feel. And very important if you didn’t report him then he is going to feel like he has control of you and may possibly try again. This is a common practice from people that know each other and will continue to run in the same circle. Because rape is about control, not you. So if the rapist feels he is in control (because you didn’t report) he may very well contemplate doing it again. So get some pepper spray, take a self defense class and it goes without saying stay as far away as possible. Take care and stay strong! Lynn
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Im a 16 Year old highschool student my father has been touching me since about 3 years ago.He tells me I want it and once I realize I like it ill be ok.I am beyond scared to tell anyone because Im afraid theyll blame me for waiting so long to say something.I have a little sister that I dont want to go through what I did…Im trying to get over my fears to keep her safe but its really hard…I was hoping of I ignored it it wod go away..Kinda like a bad dream…but as the years past it went from touching to oral to sex and I cant take it anymore.Im left with a
Scars and bruises that I have to hide abd lie about…Im confused what do I do??Please help me
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S. You need to go to someone immediately. Someone you can trust that will help you. If you can’t go to your Mom, what about a guidance counselor at school or even a teacher or an aunt or uncle, but it needs to be an adult, not just a friend of yours. What about a friends parent, just an adult. Let me explain that sexual abuse/rape is about control NOT you. And the longer you go without telling then they still feel in control and most likely will continue because they know they can. This happened to you when you were young and impressionable from a parent that you are suppose to trust so NON of this is your fault and NON of it will go away unless you speak up. In fact it most likely will move to your little sister if it hasn’t already. So in order for you to stop it happening to you and your sister you MUST go immediately to an adult. You can go to rainn.org and get the number and call them to ask for help. Or you can just call the police yourself but I would prefer you have the guidance from a trusted adult. Also make sure you show them your scars and bruises and if there is some type of identifying mark on your father that his clothes normally cover you want to point that out as well to whomever you tell. But I can promise you one thing, if you don’t stand up for yourself and your sister, it won’t stop. Just stand up tall knowing and believing that you did nothing wrong and do what is best for your future and your sister’s future. You are strong and you can do this. Stay strong! Lynn
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Dear Lynn, dear fellow survivors. Twenty years ago, it was not as easy to find help as it is now. And I can only recommend getting the information from the web and pulling all your courage together to get help from someone who knows what they are doing. – Because I didn’t.
I didn’t try to suicide, I even managed to have a “relatively” normal relationship in the last twenty years, but it takes a lot of power from me every single day, struggling to keep depression at bay, trying to muddle through and feeling alone, although there are people who love me.
And it scares me to look back and find, that it took me twenty years of my life to get the courage and talk to someone about what happened to me. I could have saved myself and my partner so much pain if I had gotten help in the first place. And it might have saved my relationship in the end; he never knew, until it was too late.
If you are uncertain, remember, no one will ask you to talk about any specifics until you are ready to do so. But you will feel better if you get this off your soul, and if you are being taken seriously. Once you know someone is going to help you, you will be able to free your head and look to your own future.
Don’t let something like this ruin your life and your future. If you can pull your courage together to take the first step, you will start feeling in control of your own life again, which will allow you to move on and leave the past behind.
Thank you Lynn for running this page, I am reading and slowly understanding why my mind is totally messed up in many different ways. I am ready to leave it behind now, finally. I got myself help, finally.
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U. I’m SOOOOOO gLad to hear it. Everyone is so scared of counseling but they don’t realize how freeing it can be. If they are here ready to talk they are ready to see a counselor that can specifically help them. I hate hearing how people let 20 years go by before they find counseling but I’m just glad you FINALLY DID! Stay strong as you are! Lynn
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Hi I am 18 years old and i have been raped several times by three different mem….i have been asking myself for several years why me why but my mom had me wat was wrong wth me and why was i so mad w the world n i told her tat i had been rape n she wanted to take it to court but i told her tat i dint want to because i dint want ro tlk bout it infront of a whole bunch of ppl n i dint want to go thru it helped alot to tlk bout w myom n it also helpes to tell my best friend but i find myself still crying at nights because i still feel them inside me n i keep screaming i want you out ….i want it all to stop is there a way for me to get better?
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J. Yes but you have to work at it. You must seek counseling in order to learn how to cope. You can also go through my site which offers some immediate things you can do but the most important thing is counseling. You can try to contact your local crisis center or go to rainn.org to find the nearest counselor to you, but just do it and the sooner the better because the longer you wait the longer it takes to heal. Stay strong! Lynn
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I need help. There I admitted it. I don’t know how many years have gone by since I have been raped. I was really young, still in grade school, I am now 23 and he still controls my life. In my head all I hear is that I wanted it, that is what people told me when I was growing up. I find it hard to trust people incuding my husband. When my husband and I are joking around sometimes, ok a lot of the time I flinch. I can not tell him the real reaon why. Yes, he knows I have been raped but like everyone else he doesn’t fully grasp what that means or what it feels like. The one person who I was always told should protect me at school and stick up for me and look out for me and fight my fights did this to me. He took away my pride, my dignity and still to this day leaves me shattered…my brother. I have been to counseling, 3 different councelors actually, so why do I still feel this way? I will tell you why, or what I think is the reason. My father likes him. he can do no wrong. He goes to see him every day. When this happened my father sided with him and not me. Why though? What did I do so horribly wrong? I asked him a few times, he won’t respond. The rape makes it hard for me to face the world, everyone is a creep. I have some good days some bad days. Although I have gotten pretty good at putting a smile on my face and going through the motions there is still a part of me that is empty. I think that only someone that has been raped can feel this type of emptyness. I got into a fight with a friend today about the rape. He says I need help. I know he is righ but where to begin?
I would like to share with you an excerpt from our arguement inn which I wrote today
it does have meaning and it is not senseless, it means that what is going on is what is, I can not change anything right now, because I don’t know how. And no I won’t go to someone who thinks they know my situation and thinks they can relate on my level. They have not been violated and raped, they have not had their dignity and pride and self esteem stripped. They wil never know what its like not to be able to give your virginity away to the one you truly love.
They will never know what it feels like to have your father side wth the guy (your brother whom you are supposed to be able to trust with you life), and never know what it feels like to have people say that you asked for t when you are just an innocent little girl.
No one except someone who was raped will ever be able to truly know what I went through. And even then they won’t unless their father was best friend with their rapest.
Funny how a simple smile can hide the pain.
I’m sorry, I just need to find a way I can feel safe, but knowing that there are more rapist out there in the world doesn’t help and it does not make me want to let my guard down and face the world.
I don’t know why I got angry at him, its not his fault. I need help. I am going to be trying some of your steps but I would really appreciate some feed back on this. Any type of help would be good.
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T. Two things come to mind that I think would be good for you. First, you might want to try group counseling. There you will be surrounded by people that truly understand. And I’m sure someone there possibly has been raped by someone they knew and trusted. Since you’ve tried counseling one on one, I really think group would be good for you. You will find bonds that will last a lifetime. And I’m sure you will be able to connect. You might also determine other ways of coping through that have worked for them. Second, I really think you should take a self defense class. It will not only help with your sense of security but also your self esteem. I’m truly sorry that you had to go through the pain from your brother and your father, it breaks my heart. Please give group counseling a try I truly think it will benefit you. Stay strong, Lynn
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i was 16 years old and just got my first boyfriend. my best friend of the time wasn’t so happy about it. he continued to talk to me and asked me questions. we went to the same school. we talked every single day and he seemed so nice. i loved my boyfriend a lot and he just was always off about it. i had sex with my boyfriend for the first time and told him about it because he always talked about sex. we never hung out and the next day after i told him i lost my virginity he told me he was in trouble. said he wanted to talk in person. asked where i lived and told me he was drunk. he couldn’t drive. he was 18 but he was going into the service. i told him i didn’t want him to know where i lived but i would talk to him tomorrow. it was around 10 pm. he called my cell and told me how important it was that i saw him. he told me multiple ties he wanted to have sex with me. ive always told him no. it took him 3 hours to get to my road. i was outside waiting for him. he started to kiss me and touch me and i repeatedly told him no. i don’t want to have sex with you. i don’t love you. after he agreed we wouldnt have sex or kiss me anymore he just talked to me. i left after 15 minutes of talking and he followed me. i didn’t know he was following me til he was behind me and he said ” i told you we were going to have sex.” he pushed me down in a field and took my cell phone away. i don’t understand how i could just lay there. i was so shocked i just cried. i told him no several times and let him do what he did to me. i am so ashamed. this happened about a little over a year ago. i still can close my eyes and see exactly what happen. i told no one besides my boyfriend. i just want to forget about it
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E.B3758 I’m sorry this happened to you but unfortunately it isn’t something that you can just forget or think it just goes away with time. That being said if you do the right things you can learn how to deal, move past it and have a healthy relationship with your boyfriend. It will take work but you must do the work or it won’t get better. You went through a traumatic experience mentally and physically therefore you must seek counseling from a professional because the only people that can truly help and understand are people that have been through it or people professionally trained to help you. You can also try some of my “steps in the healing process” on the site but the most important is counseling. You can call your local crisis center or maybe a school counselor can recommend someone or you can go to rainn.org to find the nearest one to you. But you can go through all these posts and you won’t find one that was able to deal on their own, or forget it. You’ll find posts where it happened a week ago or 20 years ago and none are able to deal without professional help. And the longer it takes for you to get the help you need and deserve the longer it takes so just do it. It’s not easy but it’s not as hard as what you went through this past year. You are worth it and you are strong, you can do it. Stay strong! Lynn
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Hi.
Over the last few weeks, I’ve had this horrible fear about something…my past. There are times when I can’t help but think about what happened to me that’s been giving me these harmful suicidal tendencies (a chilling relapse of my ordeal which took place 10 years ago, which I will get to).
I used to be very social and friendly when I was a young child. I used to take part in a lot of activities and events and I was an all-rounder in school. I felt that those were the years I was at my very best. My parents have had problems between them and still do; My dad was an alcoholic and there would be unpleasant quarrels between him and mum and I, ever since I was a child, had to come in between to settle them down when the fights used to get violent. I’m an only daughter and despite all these problems, I really thank God for gifting me with parents who, despite their problems, have raised me up so well to be an independent and conservative woman.
Please bear with me as some of it is hard for me..
It’s been said that the teenage years of a person’s life is full of memories that one would cherish forever. I really wish to believe that. My ordeal began when I was on the cusp of turning 14; I was 13 when my uncle took advantage and forced himself on me. It was all sudden and unexpected and I was too shocked to react (something I regret even today). I wanted to scream and shout and cry out for help, but I just choked on my own fear. I tried my best to push him away but I was overwhelmed by the immense strength he used to pin me down. The rest was just a hazy memory of me crying while he used me. I had lost my battle, my virginity…
When he was done, I thought it was over, but he wasn’t. He pulled out an old rusty blade to finish me off…I was already exhausted but that is the only time in my entire life that I’ve ever mustered all the energy I had left to just plead and beg him to spare my life. I was scared and literally clinging onto him. I’m ashamed to say this but I was at his mercy. I felt helpless but it was the only way. By God’s grace, he spared me on the condition that I would tell no one about this or else there would be consequences and it was a promise I kept till now (10 years).
Days after the attack, I found myself withdrawn, miserable, unapproachable and cold. I stopped taking part in youth activities and events and I stopped talking to the friends I had. I didn’t have the face to go outside like I the one I used to have before the attack. I felt the world had betrayed me and was full of hate. My uncle, someone whom I trusted and is a family member, to use me like that made me feel that I was just worthless junk. My mother did suspect something was not right and had even asked me for a reason why I had changed and grown so withdrawn from my otherwise outgoing personality, but I didn’t have the courage to tell her the truth. Whenever it was possible, I avoided meeting or visiting my uncle with excuses. As the months flew by, I fell into depression. I didn’t succumb to drugs and alcohol, but into something worse – suicide; I felt I could start my life all over if I killed myself and everything would come back to normal. This is what lead me to my only suicide attempt which I failed because it was too painful for me to finish it.
My life kept dipping and dipping until one day, when I was 19, I learnt that we have a purpose in life and “What you are is God’s gift to you, what you become is your gift to God” – it was this quote that drove me right back up. I felt more and more free like the chains were being broken. I surrounded myself with friends and lots of positive people. I focused and excelled in my studies and in my career, I took up various courses and classes and I’ve qualified myself in karate-taekwondo, lifeguard training, first aid paramedics, a professional musician-singer and just so much to name here; it’s like there’s just so much to do in life. I was once again picking up the pieces. I felt like a Pheonix rising from the ashes. I felt that I had put my trauma behind me. My uncle got married to someone wonderful and settled in UK and they now have 2 kids. It was like everything was buried.
2 months back, my Uncle and his family came down from the UK to stay with us for holidays. It’s been 5 years since I last met him at his wedding and he seemed to have changed. He seemed to be more responsible as a father, more caring, loving and mature which was contrary to what he used to be before he got married. My aunt (his wife) and my cousins get along brilliantly with me and it’s like our family bond has strengthened. But in the middle of the 2nd week of their stay, I was helping my aunt put my cousins to sleep, when my uncle who was having his dinner alone on the table called me to chat with him which wound up with him asking me personal questions about my relationships etc. before he said “Call me if you want to know what a British man tastes like”. He hadn’t changed. I really didn’t know if he was drunk or if it was his attempt at bad humour, but both of us knew what he was trying to play at and I was extremely disgusted by what I had just heard. I had lost my respect for him immediately and walked away. What’s worse is that it reminded me of all the things I had tried so hard for years to forget. I had a strong desire to just let it all out, but I didn’t know if I wanted to because all this could ruin his life and make him lose everything.
A part of me just wants to take revenge on him, but a part of me doesn’t want to because I just don’t have the heart to take revenge on someone. Whenever I see his face or photograph, I just get these moments of strong conflicting emotions where I get frustrated, angry and cry. There are times when I get depressed thinking about it and I start getting a bit destructive with suicidal tendencies, sometimes hurting myself in the process. I want him to feel the hatred and pain I felt, but I just don’t know if I should take it in my own hands or leave it to God.
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GL I want you to read again the last sentence in the 2nd to last paragraph. I want you to read it aloud and then think about it. I don’t understand why you are more worried about ruining his life, when that is exactly what he did to you. He took your childhood from you and he HASN’T changed. You are a VERY STRONG and FORGIVING person BUT NEVER associate yourself with your rapist again. Rape is about control and by you not telling anyone he remains in control and he KNOWS IT. This is what I want you to think about and it damn sure ISN’T HIM. Think about the relationship you have with his wife and kids. Now what if he does that to one of them. How would you feel then? I personally would want to protect them because if I didn’t say anything and it happened I would be horrified. That being said, because you didn’t speak up sooner it is very possible that they won’t believe you now. Especially since you invited him to stay in your home, which is unheard of. I am proud that you have gotten through it and became strong and full of life again but this man can take you right back down anytime he wants because he is in control. So it’s up to you to take the chance and tell your parents/his family whomever, just be prepared that they might not believe you. Personally I’d rather tell and them not believe me because at least I gave for warning if something did happen or at the very least you would deter him from doing something like that again. One thing I know for sure is you weren’t the first time or the last time he did something like that. I think it’s time for you to lift this burden off your shoulders and release it. I’m hoping your mum will believe you because she saw your withdrawal and the excuses not to see your Uncle. Just let them know that he threatened to kill you which is why you didn’t tell and that you truly thought he was a changed man which is the ONLY reason you let him back into your life. But now you realized he isn’t changed and scared he might hurt you or someone else again which is why you are coming forward now. Whatever your decision is I strongly suggest counseling and you might want to start immediately to help make up your mind what is best for YOU, NOT HIM. You sound like a very loving and caring girl and again proud of how far you come. But it is time for him to suffer HIS consequences, don’t you think? Especially before someone else gets hurt. But the most important thing is for you to be SAFE whatever you do and that means staying as far away from him as possible for EVER! STay strong! Lynn
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I was raped by my ex-fiancee,
Till recently I was not aware if that was rape or something else, I said no, and am Muslim and sex is completely not allowed before marriage(to mention I’ve never had sex never before or after), I thought he was a good guy and I was astonished by the way he treated me, saying that I was liberal and not covering my hair and I should be okay with having sex, and I must have been delighted for that, and I must have Known his intention before I came to see him and since I came then I am Okay and wanting that,
One day he called me in the phone calming that he was sick, and wanted me to come over his house, and check on him. I was saying it was not allowed for me as a girl to come over, But he insisted saying that he is always visiting our house and visiting my parents.
And So I went there he was wearing improperly, and the moment I entered the house ha said that I should not be afraid since he is a public figure and girls and boys were allowed to visit.
Since I knew things about computer he told me to fix things he couldn’t download(in his computer), I stared doing that suddenly he started kissing me, I was enjoying that and then he lifted me to the bed next to his computer he stared kissing all over my body, I was surprised he would do something like that, since that was not allowed at all.
He started touching my genital area with hands, and I was not circumcised like girls in my country, he claimed that I had sex before and I was not virgin, and he wanted to have full sex .
I said no and I stopped. I wanted to get out his house, he stared to slap the wall nervously I was insisting that I should stay, and the he garbed my bottom cloth and told me then you should go out side with my cloth with him.
I was in his neighborhood how could I run outside!!
and then he started begging me that he can’t stay that way unless he get orgasm, I was ashamed me being in his house to start with and every thing seemed blank.
so he said that he would only move his (….) just beside my genital area, so I came back to bed, started doing that and suddenly he stated doing full sex !!!
I was paralyzed .
I automatically was thinking that I can’t get married to another guy, and I can’t say anything. I was wrong from the first place to come over to his house, and I need to have a strategy in order to cover for my mistake.
I lived through hell, I was sick and I tested for sexual transmitted disease, thank god I was fine. I hated him and mostly hated my self.
And I blame my self for that, and I was unstable, some times in denial, some times wanting to kill my self . Until yesterday I run into your article (you are not alone), and decided to figure out wither what happened to me was rape or not.
Am more relived just reading that other women around the universe are trying to survive and that am not alone.
Thanks a lot ,
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S. I’m glad my blog was able to help you. Please stop blaming yourself when you were obviously tricked into going to his house when you normally wouldn’t. And tricked again through humiliation about the sex. You never gave him permission to have intercourse therefore you are NOT to blame. You need to put the blame where it belongs, on him NOT you! Stay strong! Lynn
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I was raped when I was 17 years old but my boyfriend at that time. This is how I lost my virginity. I ended up pregnant and had an abortion. I told no one until 3 months later, a very good friend of mine. It was never reported and didn’t even tell my parents (who I did not have a good relationship with)
I met my husband about a year and half later and we have been together for almost 25 years. He knows about it. It has alsways been on my mind but just over the last 2 months, it has really begun to affect me. Dreams about , reliving it, waking up in cold sweats. I don’t know how to shut it off again.
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K. Unfortunately rape is like a shadow that you can never run from, it is always with you. The only way to conquer it is to face it head on and learn how to properly deal with it. And that is through counseling. You can try and shove it in the closet or brush it under the rug but that is only a temporary fix. It doesn’t go away. So my best advice it to go to a professional counselor who can help get it out of your head and deal with your triggers. Even if you had counseling back then it is now 25 years later and you are in a different place so you need to address your needs/emotions at your time in life now. I promise you it will help. Also as far as your dreams go try writing out your thoughts for the day (it can be anything good or bad and you can throw them away or keep a journal) but write them out before you go to bed as a mental release and then I would try some yoga. You can get a cheap dvd and do it at home right before bed as a relaxing mechanism. The deep breathing seriously helps relax and reduce anxiety. If you don’t want to do yoga then meditate with deep breathing. It might not happen overnight but the combination will improve your sleep and lower you anxiety. Also, sometimes the writing can help you find what is triggering your anxiety and you might want to also share that with your counselor. You can get through this but you do have to work at it. It will pay off in the end I promise. Stay strong! Lynn
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I don’t really understand what happened… This happened quite recently, and I don’t know how to react yet. I want to say that he didn’t rape me, but at the same time, things weren’t consensual. My ex was sick, and I had stayed home from school because I was also sick. He’d recently got kicked out of his home, so, out of pity, I invited him over because I had soup and medication he could take. He came over, and I let him rest while I did my Biology homework. Eventually I came to check up on him, and he was very touchy-feely with me. At first, I didn’t.mind because I missed him too, but then he tried taking off my shorts, and I guess he didn’t hear me say no. Maybe, I my voice wasn’t firm enough, but i was so in shock… I was crying and he couldn’t even tell. I just laid there… After a while I changed my clothes and showed him to the door, and he left… I felt so disgusted with myself, and I still do. I feel like he didn’t force himself on me, that even if I said no, I was asking for it. I bawled for hours and no matter how hot my shower was, I couldn’t get his smell off of me… He seemed so innocent. He didn’t even realize he was hurting me. I’m so hurt, but i don’t even think it’s his fault. I know this article says that it’s not my fault, but it truly feels like it was. I let him into my house. I don’t know how to cope. I don’t have the strength to tell my family. I don’t know who else to go to.
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J. First just because you let him in your house does not justify rape. You trusted him and that doesn’t mean you did something wrong. You also said no and he didn’t listen. You say he couldn’t tell he was hurting you but I’m pretty sure he did know but choose not to recognize, again his fault NOT yours. Now this is how I want you to put it into perspective. Let’s say you are grown up and have a daughter of your own. If the exact same scenario happened to her would you tell her it was her fault. No you wouldn’t so stop blaming yourself and put the blame where it belongs. Also just to let you know rape is about control not you and he knew exactly what he was doing. Also the majority of rapes are by someone we know because their get out of jail free card is “it’s her word against mine” and we’ve messed around before. So this is a very typical situation they use because it is harder to prove. I would seriously suggest getting counseling because the sooner you get it the quicker the healing process. The longer you wait the longer it takes to heal. Whatever you do stay as far away as possible from this guy because when you don’t tell someone then they continue to think they are in control and could possibly try again. As far as telling your parents again if this was your daughter wouldn’t you want her to be able to come to you? Think about it. If you choose not to at the very least go to your school counselor and let them know so you don’t have to run into him at school. You can also ask them about counseling if you don’t go through your parents. Or you can contact your local crisis center if you don’t want to go through school or your parents. The crisis center can help you get counseling also, Stay strong! Lynn
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I did it! I told ,I stood up for myself&my sister ! I talked to my aunt and ahe helps me get me through everyday. It wasnt easy but I told and showed the marks … And I just want to thank you so much for your advice. You have no idea how much youve helped me !!!Thank you soooo much!!
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S. I’M SOOO PROUD OF YOU!!!! I’m glad I could help with advice but you DID IT! You are stronger than you know and you need to believe YOU ARE WORTHY of a Happy life! Stay strong! Lynn
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I was raped by my moms bf when I was only a little girl, I’m now 17. I didn’t understand what had happen to me. Now i feel like it’s taking over me. I can’t concentrate on anything. I’m losing my education, I think of killing myself everyday. I don’t know what I did to deserve this… I have no one to turn to..
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SC, You always have someone to turn to and you are not alone. You just have to go to the right resources. First step is counseling. You might want to start with either a school counselor that can put you in touch with someone that can help you since you are a minor. Also by telling a school counselor (if they are men and you don’t feel comfortable then a female teacher that you do feel comfortable with) then they would also understand what is happening to you academically and offer help with that as well. Or you can try your local crisis center to find out where and how you can obtain counseling as a minor and you can let them know you are having suicidal thoughts and they can help with that too and they are all anonymous fyi. There is also rainn.org where you can locate the nearest counselor to you. Make sure you let them know your age so they know you are a minor. Hopefully your mother isn’t still with this guy and if she is I would tell her as well. Because if this happened to your child wouldn’t you want her to be able to come to you. This was not your fault and you shouldn’t be ashamed. Whatever you do find a way to get the counseling you need. You might even want to consider group counseling because there you will build life long friends that completely understand you and have empathy and can offer you ways to cope that worked for them. Just know you deserve a good life and this is nothing taking your life over. You are strong and you can get through this just do it the right way through counseling. You have to work at it but I promise your future is worth it. Besides if you hurt yourself or even continue to go through life without help then this guy is still in control over you. Take back the control by helping yourself towards a good future and put him behind you and don’t let him have another minute of control over your emotions because he doesn’t deserve it. You hopefully are in a safe place now, so just take the necessary steps to get better and heal. Stay strong! Lynn
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I was raped by three men, It’s been almost 3 years. I can’t sleep EVER. Since it’s happened. honeslty I’ve abused prescribed and unprescribed drugs since it’s happened. I want to learn to love again and FEEL again. Thanks for being amazing, be in touch if you’re still around. thank youL
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K. Have you gotten the necessary counseling you need? drugs only mask the pain as you are aware after 3 years. You need to mentally deal with it. I’m not saying prescribed drugs don’t help because I myself was on xanax for 6 months but I was also in counseling for a year which is why I was able to get off the drugs. Also try some of my suggestions on the website for things you can do that will help improve your sleep, like writing out your thoughts before bed as a mental release and then doing yoga after you write to help relax you. The breathing in yoga truly relaxes the body through the deep breathing. If you can get into a routine I promise your quality of sleep will improve which lowers your anxiety. But counseling is the #1 thing you need to do, it isn’t easy but it absolutely helps and it’s easier than what you’ve already been through. Stay strong! Lynn
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i was 12 yrz wen i got raped by a guy who lives next door at my house,i was staying with my big sister,before he sleeps with me he would beat me first like very hard,it happened several times,and i couldnt tell anyone even my sister,he would sleep with me at the bushes,local staduim,post office,at the street at night,it was horible,wen i grew up it ddnt bother me at all,but 2009 it started to come back,it felt likt it happened yerstarday,i cry,i even develop a stage were am sufeering from depression,i dont know what to,i tried telling my sisiter bt she said”u lesbians u love claming that u were raped’am drowning each and everydae of my life,plzz help me
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H. Rape and basically the torture you went through is not something that can be forgotten about or swept under the rug. It is like your shadow that you can never run from. The ONLY thing we can do is turn and face the problem and deal with it head on, though the proper counseling. As you know after so many years it is still there and you aren’t able to cope on your own. So go to a trained counselor and get the help you need and deserve. Read through my website to find things that can help you in between going to counseling, but they can NOT be a replacement for counseling. You deserve a good and happy future but you do have to work at it and it’s not going to go away. It’s not easy BUT it’s a lot easier than what you have been through and are still going through. Try to contact your local crisis center or rainn.org to find the nearest counselor to you. Just get the help you need and deserve, you are worth it. Stay strong! Lynn
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This is so weird for me because I never thought I would be one of these people. I never thought I would get raped. Reading through the comments people have left make me wish I was brave enough to talk about what happened. I started highschool last year which is grade 9, I was so excited and ready to grow up and not be treated like a little kid anymore. I was raped at the lake by two men that I don’t know, I was beaten and have scars on my stomach and legs, they burnt me on the sides of my ankles. I dont know why they did those things to me but I dont think any reason i get will help me. I don’t like going into detail about what happened because I can’t really face it, I told someone and they told all my friends and my entire school found out. I felt so alone, and I still do. I’m now in grade 10 and trying so hard to be okay but my fear is so present in everything that I do. I have never really considered getting help but I know that I don’t want to live the rest of my life in fear. I want to be okay and I want to be the happy person that I used to be.
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N. I think you already know the answer and that is to get the help you need. It is the only thing that will help you move from the past into the future. You are here which means you are looking for help and that is a great first step. So don’t stop here because you are so young and deserve such a good life ahead of you. Everyday that goes by that you don’t get help, the people that did this to you are still in control. They don’t deserve another minute of your life as they have taken so much already. So take back control of your life and don’t give them another minute. Ask your school counselor to refer you to a counselor or call your local crisis center, go through your parents insurance or even go to rainn.org to find the nearest counselor to you. You’ve already made the first step now just keep going, you are worth it! Stay strong! Lynn
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I was raped two weeks ago. Violently. In every way possible. He whipped me with my own belt. He kicked me in the ribs while wearing work boots. I didn’t know him. I never saw his face. Never heard his voice. Only saw the knife he used under my eye, never breaking the skin, to make me afraid.
It lasted over an hour, in the early hours of the morning. It was dark, and I was stupid for being there. If I hadn’t been dumb it never would have happened. It was my own stupid fault. I can’t sleep because what happened plays over and over again in my head. I can’t eat because I can’t get the taste of him out of my mouth. I’m so tired, and stressed, and frightened. I honestly wish I’d screamed and let him slit my throat.
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E. First of all rape is never your fault so you need to truly believe deep down that you did NOT cause this. You didn’t tell him to rape you and there is no excuse for rape, period. So STOP blaming yourself, PLEASE. Think of it this way, if this exact same thing happened to your daughter, would you tell her it was her fault? No I don’t think you would, so give yourself a break because the first part of recovery is believing it’s not your fault. You have to stop beating yourself up for the acts of others. You did not choose this to happen therefore you aren’t stupid and are not to blame. Put the blame where it belongs, on the asshole that did this to you. I’m really glad you are looking for help now and not waiting a year or two because you can read through these posts and find out that until you get professional help, it doesn’t go away. trying to forget about it or act like it didn’t happen doesn’t work. I’m proud of you that you are strong enough to look for help and resources now. I know you don’t feel strong but the fact that you have told your story so soon after it happens means you want to and are ready to start to heal. I want you to look through the site on “steps in the healing process” and truly try the suggestions as well as get to professional counseling as soon as possible. The sooner you do the sooner you will start to feel better. It’s not easy but it definitely isn’t as hard as what you have already been through. And with counseling you will find someone you can trust and has empathy and most importantly help you get back control of your life. The longer you wait the longer it will take to heal so please call your local crisis center, go to rainn.org or through your health insurance but just do it because you are worth it and that asshole doesn’t deserve to control another minute of your life or emotions. Stay strong! Lynn
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I don’t even want to say those words but yea I was and still am it started when I was around 21 … mi attacker is mi brother in law we all live in one house my husbands family and us…. I know you say that we shouldn’t blame ourselve but its so hard I try to be brave everyday try to figure out how to speak out but everytime I get the courage to do something he threatens me with something …he even says who’s going to
belive you ill just say u came on to me…ughhh! I’m so fustrated and stress… and I blame him for mi miscarriage and mi self because I could have faught harder …. I dnt know how to tell my husband what is happening… our marriage falling apart and tell mi husband sees is me being an emotional reck and thinks its beecuase I’m
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A. The longer you wait to say something the more it goes in your attackers favor. Because people are ignorant and the first thing they are going to say is “why didn’t you tell someone”? Rape is about control and every minute that you don’t say something he is still in control and knows it which is why it continues and will continue to happen. Is there anyway you can record at least the voices when he does this to you. Is there anyway if you think he is getting ready to attack you that you can turn on a voice recorder and fight him back so whomever you tell they will be able to hear what he is doing and how he is threatning you? I personally wouldn’t wait until the next time though and tell immediately. Do you have any bruises that you can take a pic of that will show he is hurting you any texts that he is sending that could also be proof? Even if you don’t still tell someone because again when you don’t say anything he WILL continue because he know he is in control. Stop it now and I don’t care if they believe you or not because once you put it in your their heads it will stay there and be in the back of their minds. If he did make good on his threats (which I’m pretty sure he won’t) then they will know it’s true. And if your husband doesn’t believe you then whatever but at least the rapes will stop. You and your husband can work on it but it is NOT worth continually getting raped. Also get into counseling because that will also help your side of the story. Stay strong! Lynn
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I was raped at 14 I am now 26 yrs old and still very much dealing with the pain I was also molested as a child as well by my uncle.. and because I never got any help when I came out about being molested when I got raped I was too ashamed to say anything and I felt like I wouldn’t get help anyway and that everyone would find out but he would still get away with it the person who raped I grew up with and the day he raped me he told me your not special bitch and you never will be and when I get thru with you no man will ever love you soon after that when he saw me he would try to taunt me and even tried to rape me again but was unsuccessful still I shared my story with no one years later I try to do therapy because I was just so angry I even tried to kill myself because I just felt worthless I got to a point in life where I finally just surpressed the memories to where it was like it never happened but the rage never went away a few weeks ago my children’s father asked me why I’m always so angry why I hate my past so much and why I could never talk about past partners so I finally got fed up and told him everything because unfortunately for me being raped made me more sexual and the more partners I had the more ashamed i felt about myself but always kept it to myself now I’m having the nightmares all over again and angry all the time part of me is starting to feel suicidal again..therapy and counseling never worked well for me and my man wants to help but I don’t think I can open up enough to let him I just feel so damaged used and worthless like I don’t even deserve him I just want to be alone please help me
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B. First you need to understand that rape is about control and this person is still controlling your emotions and thoughts. You need to get back control of your life because he doesn’t deserve another minute. Taking back control starts with you not believing a word he ever said to you because it wasn’t about you it was about controlling the situation. So when he said those nasty thing and taunted you again IT WASN’T ABOUT YOU! It was all about controlling your mind so you need to stop letting him do this. You know you didn’t deserve it and I don’t care how you handled the past because it is just that the past. The past can not be changed so STOP focusing on it. You only have control over your future so YOU need to take back that control and not give him another second! You need to get back into counseling but this time you need to focus on your future NOT the past. Of course you will need to explain why you are there but focus on what you want to accomplish. Your husband can not help you nor does he need to know the gory details. He does need to know what happened and you’ve told him that. Now just let him know that all you expect from him is a should to cry on when you need it and to be your rock and protector. Other than that he can’t do much so you need to let him know that is all your expect and that you are going to help yourself through counseling. I promise this can only help and will help your relationship. Maybe the counseling didn’t help back then because you didn’t have the right counselor or maybe weren’t in the right frame of mind. But that is EXACTLY what you need especially if you are having suicidal thoughts. I need you to realize that this guy is long gone and that you NEVER deserved what happened to you and most importantly that THIS DOESN’T DEFINE YOU! IT ONLY DEFINES THE PERSON AS A RAPIST! So take back your life because you still have one and if you work at it I promise it can and will be good and happy again. Counseling isn’t easy but it damn sure is easier than what you have been through this long. It isn’t going to go away because rape is like a shadow that you can not run from. BUT you CAN turn and face it head on and stand up and be proud because you are not gonna let this define you and you are not gonna let him control another second because this is YOUR LIFE DAMN IT! Get into counseling and talk to your husband and let both know that you want to work towards your future and get control back and then DO IT! You can also do some of the steps in the healing process between counseling visits to help at home. YOU ARE WORTHY AND DESERVE A GOOD LIFE! Now YOU NEED TO BELIEVE IT! Stay strong! Lynn
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I was raped by my Ex boyfriend 5 months ago. Rape… isn’t that a disgusting word? It makes it all sound real like I really am one of those people. I’m constantly filled with doubt about how it happened and how I could have avoided it. He’s a model, has everything going for him, we were in the same college last year before I left after it happened. He came over to my house one morning while I was still asleep and woke me up throwing pebbles at the window so no one would hear he was there. I let him in and he sat on my bed for awhile while I came to. We got into a fight about something that I was annoyed with him about and he started tickling me to make me laugh. The tickling turned into kissing and touching and he ended up taking everything off. I told him I didn’t want to and pushed him off. I had to say it afew times. I told him to sort himself out as I didn’t want to have intercourse and I would too. He didn’t like this and pulled himself on top of me and raped me. I was in shock, i had said no, I had said no, I HAD SAID NO, i had said no? I said no. He did it anyway, he had no respect for me. He made me feel the way I am feeling now. It is his fault. I shouldn’t have allowed things to proceed as far as they did but it was his fault. Sometimes I want to die. I make plans but never follow through. I’m now looking forward to india, I’ll be going there to help abused girls and children in high risk situations who may have been trafficked or in daner of being trafficked. I don’t feel that I’ll be sweeping it under the rug, I feel this might help me deal with emotions and feelings. Things are so raw when volunteering in 3rd world countries. If the DPP decide not to prosecute I’ve already decided this won’t be the end of it. I’ve already approched in Dean of my old college to arrange a meeting and dicuss polocies and protocols that take place when an ‘event’ like this occurs. I also plan to make my name public. I’ll do so without reveiling him, but it will be known he was an ex boyfriend. I need justice. The statics are scary with how little accused rapists are prosecuted. He will pay. Maybe if not in this world, in hell for sure. Best of luck in your recovery to all you brave girls. Much love and peace, L x
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L. I’m so proud of you for being so brave, I really am! I think what you are doing is great to help others and truly believe it will help in your own healing process. HOWEVER you do need to go through some counseling BEFORE you go help these girls because you will encounter triggers and it WILL affect you! So please get some personal counseling prior to your endeavors of india, it will only benefit all involved. You want to make sure you do it the right way, correct? Again I ADMIRE YOU and glad you are strong enough to stand up for yourself! Now make sure you take care of yourself before you do others. Stay strong and good luck! Lynn
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I was… You know (i can never bring myself to say it) when I was 13 years old and I’m 21 now.
I’m constantly going over what happened that day and imagining I did things differently “if I didn’t lead him on, or if I didn’t go to his house this wouldn’t of happened”
I hate what he’s done to me and I was too ashamed to tell anyone. so I took an overdose and was admitted to hospital, my family never understood why I did it. I had a counsellor for awhile because of the overdose but I didn’t open up.
At the time I wanted them to ask me why I took the overdoes and no one ever did. So I’ve been living with this ever since. I’m afraid if I told someone now, like a counsellor that it will be like opening a can of worms and I will be feeling worse than I do now so I don’t know what to do 😦
Only my partner knows about it, but I don’t want to talk to him (I don’t think he wants to hear it either) I don’t want to tell my family because I don’t want to upset anyone or stress anyone out (I think my family have enough problems, I don’t want to add to it)
I feel alone. I feel as though people will think “you should be over it by now” and maybe refuse to help me or be there for me.
I went through hell in my teenage years, taking drugs, drinking on the streets to block out that day and so I took to cutting my wrists.
I’m on antidepressants but I don’t feel as though they work. The only thing that makes me feel better is cutting myself, feeling it sting takes my mind of everything.
The only thing I can do, the only thing I know how to do, is keeping it locked away inside my head. He’s won, my life is ruined.
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H. I truly thin you are looking at this all wrong. You’ve come to my site to look for guidance right? You need to let it out not lock it in. So yes you need to talk to the counselor and even if you start with a new one because one thing you are right about is your partner most likely doesn’t want to hear about it nor should they. They do need to know that it happened to show you empathy when you need it and to make you feel safe and a shoulder to cry on but they don’t want to know the details and more importantly they don’t know how to help (friends and family don’t either). All they can do is support you as previously mentioned. And when you turn to them they feel helpless because they don’t know how to help. The counselor is there for that and you aren’t opening up a can of worms you are asking for the necessary guidance you need to get through it. And how can you possibly hurt more than you do now. It’s not easy but I can promise you it is easier than what you are going through alone right now. He has only won so far because you are letting him by not helping yourself. Let me ask you this, if this was your daughter that went through the same thing wouldn’t you want her to get the help she needs? Wouldn’t you want her to be able to come to you? Whether or not you tell your parents at the very least tell the person that can help and I promise you won’t be alone any more. The person that did this to you doesn’t deserve to control your emotions another day. He has taken enough from you. Now I want you to fight for the life that you deserve and get to the counselor and tell her, don’t wait for her to ask. Why would you wait? Do you want him to still be in control? I know you don’t so please fight for the life you deserve because I promise you this isn’t it. Once you talk to the counselor then maybe she can help you decide to tell your parents and how to go about it but I need you to put yourself first. Because by worrying about everyone else you are not helping yourself. You deserve to be happy and you deserve a good life but you gotta take steps to get it back and I know you can do it. Stay strong! Lynn
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I was raped for 6 years by a family member and its very hard to get past it the constant flashbacks and never knowing where its safe or what to do. Its hard to trust people and I want to and I try but I feel like I can only give so much. I’ve done counseling but it didn’t seem to help me. I feel like i’m on the edge of a cliff and trying to hold myself up constantly day in and day out. I want to just forgive and forget about it but i’m afraid i’m going to be abandoned again just like how it was during those 6 years. i’m only 21 and looking for advise on how to get over it. what makes it so hard to trust and why do I feel like im in a very breakable state. please help
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S. My first suggestion would be to get a new counselor. That is the only thing that is really going to help you. Don’t give up because then you are giving up on yourself. I had to go to a couple counselors before I found the right one but I didn’t care because this was my life. You have very deep seeded emotions from 6 years of abuse and it is going to take a while and that’s OK as long as you are working on it. You can look through some of my advice on the site but non of it replaces the counseling. Of course its hard to trust people when you had a family member do this to you for so long. Hopefully you are far far away from this person as that would be my first step. Try to NEVER be around them EVER again because rape is about control and obviously this person had control over you for 6 years. If you didn’t turn them in or tell your family then he still feels in control. Hopefully you were able to tell someone that can help you stay away from this person. Once you know you won’t see this person again it will help a little with your sense of security. Another thing you can do is take self defense classes which will also help. Have you talked to a doctor about PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder)? It’s very possible that after 6 yrs you have that so I might talk to a physician about it as well. But you have to be honest about what happened to you. Just make sure you get the counseling and that you are safe from this person and take baby steps, just don’t give up because this person doesn’t deserve to control you or your emotions one more second. Stay strong! Lynn
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I was raped a few days ago. idk wat to do… i made myself believe that it was my fault… that i asked for it. i have the support of my boyfriend but all i do is cry. Its hard for me to accept the fact that it already happened n i cant change it. My mom is taking me to take a body check up asap but i am scared… i wish i cud be strong, bold and brave like you… Im 15 years old. Its really hard for me to go on with this burden om my chest
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L. I know it doesn’t seem like it now but you are strong. This has just happened and you are already strong enough to look for help instead of just letting it eat you up inside. You are strong enough to go to your mom for help. You are strong enough to know deep down that it wasn’t your fault. We both know that there is absolutely NO excuse for rape NONE! It wasn’t your fault and realizing that is your first step to recovery. It took me a very long time before I was this strong and I had to work on it everyday. First baby steps through counseling, which the sooner you get it the sooner you will be happy again. The longer you wait the longer it takes so do the right thing and tell your mom to get you into counseling asap. Stay strong and don’t beat yourself up. Take that energy and put it towards your recovery! Lynn
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I was raped two weeks ago and I have been going through every emotion in the book. I journal, listen to music, watch tv…. I’m scared. I have a great family and a loving boyfriend. I talk with them frequently and cry alone a lot. I hate crying in front of my family because I am tired of them feeling sorry for me, it just makes me angry. I did what I had to by going to the cops and getting the rape kit done. I now have nightmares and don’t sleep. I often think if I could replace the nightmares with a good memory it would help. Does creating a good memory help push away the nightmares?
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D. Take a look at my website specifically “steps of the healing process” and try and incorporate those into your daily routine. And to answer your question yes thinking or doing something positive everyday will help you. Even if it’s as little as looking forward to your favorite ice cream or book to read. Just make some time for yourself to do something you really look forward to. As far as the nightmares, write in your journal about 30 minutes to an hour before bed to empty all the thoughts out of your head onto paper, this is a great mental release. Then try to do some deep breathing or yoga right before bed. Meditation works for some but I don’t want you to think to much so if you can meditate on something good that works to or even saying the same positive phrase over and over. Then go to bed. If you continue to do this as much as you can it will totally improve your sleep, hoping to have less nightmares. and a good night sleep with help with your anxiety during the day. BUT none of this replaces the counseling you should be getting. Because you need to let it out through tears and words and through counseling its the best place to do this. Stay strong! Lynn
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Ever since I had this situation happen to me I believe I couldn’t do anything about it. Because I was drunk. I don’t remember a thing only by what I was TOLD happened. I woke up scared, and discusted. And hurt because friends that were there (which I no longer associate myself with) didn’t do nothing to prevent it. K have nightmares. Although I’ve moved on and am living a great life. The past still haunts me. My fiancé knows and doesn’t judge. But I still live with knowing what happened. I have anxiety and I stress so much all because of that. I have plenty of people around me that don’t judge and friends that understand.. It’s just about wanting to forget what happened so my mind can move on! I hate myself at times and I feel discusting. But I stay strong for my family. I am going to seek a therapist hoping they will help me in getting my mind off that situation that happened a few years ago. Your words were very eye opening. Thank you… Thank you for reaching out to people like me. Because I know I’m not the only victim.
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B. I’m so glad I could help and even happier that you are going to help yourself through therapy. Because you need to understand that unfortunately this can not be forgotten, it is with us BUT that doesn’t mean we can’t be happy again. The way to get there is to not try and forget but to face it head on and that is when we can put it behind us because we know how to deal and we know it’s our past not our future. And most importantly we learn to not let it define us and that we have no control over our past but all the control of our future. Stay strong! Lynn
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H. What Lynn says is right. To deal with this you need to let it out and not shut it in. Ultimately this will only serve to make things worse. I know as I am talking from personal experience doing just that. At the age of 31 I am still trying to deal with being raped twice either side of my 17th birthday.
Please find someone you can talk to and who can help you through this. Please do not repeat my mistake.
Take care
Hugs
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When I was 17 I thought I was really tough. A guy that I use to hang with and sell drugs with convinced me that I could make some quick easy cash giving guys hand jobs. I figured that wasn’t too bad , and I could use the cash. I learned the very first time that it wasn’t that simple. I was brutally raped at gun point. Locked in a room for 4 hours. I was left battered and bloody.
It’s Been 11 years. Most days I do A great job of blocking the whole thing out. But lately it’s been haunting me. I agree, in most cases rape is not the victims fault. But I don’t think that really applies in my case. I basically prostituted myself and got exactly what I deserved.
The other thing that eats away at me is this. The day after the rape a friend took me to the hospital, where t by st asked if I would like to have a rape kit done. I had said no because I was terrified at t h e time. My psyche was so damaged. I truly believed that if I tried to press charges this man would find me and kill me. I now worry a bout how many more woman have been harmed by him because I was too afraid to do anything. If I had acted at the time it probably would have been easy to identify him. He left his DNA all over me, he forced me to stare at him while he raped me, and he had a tattoo that would have ma d e him identifiable.
I hate that this happened. I hate that I can’t make it unhappen
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G. You need to forgive yourself. As soon as you do that things will improve for you. You are being so hard on yourself because you agreed to to that for extra cash and because you didn’t turn him in. First let me explain that if you were agreeing to intercourse you would have agreed but you didn’t. IT WAS rape, albeit not the best circumstances you were in but you did not consent to intercourse, it was forced upon you, that is rape. Secondly, you didn’t turn him in because you had been at gunpoint and scared for your life which is completely understandable. IF this happens to someone else it is NOT your fault. It is HIS fault because he is choosing his actions, not YOU. You didn’t give him the green light to do this again you just wanted to preserve YOUR life. This is how you need to think and again FORGIVE yourself. He is out of the picture now and you are safe and have learned a valuable lesson. Think of it as that and try to put the past behind you and look towards your future because guess what YOU ARE ALIVE TO DO SO, take advantage of it. Stay strong! Lynn
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So I went on spring break with a group of my friends this past week. We all drank and had fun all week the last night we got shit faced and I can’t remember that night. When I woke up the next morning everyone had said I had sex with a kid in the group. But they also said I couldn’t even walk to the bathroom (less than 3 feet from my bed) and in that case and being so drunk I don’t even have memory of this night. Is this rape? He took advantage of me and I have no clue what to even call what happened. The kid is a friend of my boyfriend too. I told my boyfriend last night and he immediately was mad at me. I need help idk what to do.
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M. This is a difficult situation and I know you want an answer but unfortunately I can’t give that to you. I can however tell you what I would do in your situation. First I would question everyone of my friends that were there to see there take on the situation. Did you have any bruises, scratches or soreness like possible tears in the vaginal area or even any blood? If you did this would be signs that you were limp, not moving and he was forcing himself on you while you were unwilling. If you were willing (not saying you were) you most likely wouldn’t have any of these. Like when I was raped I was completely out of it because they drugged me and I had bruises on the inside of my legs where they had to hold them open and I had vaginal tears as well as bruises on my arms. So I would take all these things into consideration to try and find the answer. I know neither is good for you, if you did agree and didn’t realize it because you blacked out or if you were raped, but I’m hoping that you weren’t raped. Lynn
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I have just read your advice, and wanted to say thank you. I was raped when I was 17 and sexually assaulted when I was 21, I have made a lot of mistakes with drink and drugs – for a long time and I have a lot of guilt that I am really struggling with. I feel heavy with feelings and I don’t know what to do. I have had a few counsellors and never really been able to talk, so backed out, and been offered EMDR treatment but I can’t seem to go through with it. I am scared I can never have sex again. I feel sick a lot of the time and have been bulimic but getting better. I have never read a website about this stuff which has made me feel like this. sorry for babbling. I can’t cry. I have had boyfriends and had sex with them but never enjoyed that act, and preteneded to then totally freaked out, and frozen. I am 26 now and feel like I will never be able to have sex ever again. I have been sober for 2 months completely and have a drug worker, who is great. I find it hard, like rabit in headlights to access how I feel about these events, but am sometimes taken over by flashbacks and have very vivid nasty dreams and wake up in sweats. I have been running from it and feel like I am pathetic, and weak and self indulgent, and this makes me hate myself more. I have a job supporting people with mental health problems and I love it, but worry that I might crack up again myself and not be able to carry on sometimes. But I will. I don’t really know why I am writing this, thanks I guess, oh and I have started doing yoga, and it is an amazing thing.
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LOL, I’m really glad I was able to help and that the yoga is helping too BUT you’ve got to get the counseling too. It isn’t easy but it IS easier than what you’ve already been through and what you seem to be going through on a daily basis. I don’t understand why victims would rather live in a daily hell than do an hour of counseling to get them out of their daily hell. It dumbfounds me. The counselors aren’t going to judge you, they are going to help you. Maybe you didn’t click with the one you were going to.. But don’t give up, you and your future are worth it. Find another woman counselor and try again. You’ve taken some great baby steps now take a big one and please get the professional help you need. You can do it I believe in you and once you find the one you click with you will see so much improvement. Stay strong! Lynn
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