It’s not your fault

Totally depending on the “type of rape” that occured, sometimes it is very hard for the victim to believe, really believe, that it is not somehow partly their fault. Typically victims believe they are responsible for some aspect leading up to the rape. They feel something they did or did not do, led to the rape. When this happens they almost always beat themselves up with coulda, shoulda, woulda. I CAN NOT SAY THIS ENOUGH, there is NO REASON OR NOTHING YOU’VE SAID OR DONE THAT EXCUSES OR JUSTIFIES RAPE! No one action determines you’ve crossed the line and asked for it. The first step to recovery is ACCEPTING THAT IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT, IN ANY WAY! I tell the victims I counsel who come from all walks of life, “I don’t care what you were doing, where you were at, if you had anything to drink, if you took any drugs, even if it went to the extreme of feeling comfortable enough to get naked with the assaulter and thought you wanted to have sex, the minute you decide to refuse and they don’t listen, it is rape without justification!” It is NOT YOUR FAULT and it is your right to choose not to have sex. When someone crosses that line without your willingness they violated you, YOU DID NOT ASK FOR IT OR DESERVE IT!.

58 thoughts on “It’s not your fault”

  1. I was raped at 14. I came from a conservative group of christians, and though I know now it was not my fault, back then I was accused by my family that it was my fault and I should have been able to avoid it. I was severely punished for it. It hurts a lot to be accused that way. I have lived in guilt and shame for so long. How does one deal with that? Must I let the others blame me my whole life long, or how can I make them understand? I don’t want to talk about it to my parents. Would it help if I did?

    confused and trying to sort it out…

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    1. Still healing,
      My best advice even though easier said than done, is take care of yourself first and get your head on straight before worrying about others. Because once you get your head straight you will know how to deal with others or who you even care to deal with. I was so worried about my family also but I had to distance myself from them until I got the help and therapy I needed. Once I was good I could care less about what some thought and the others I let them know I cared about them but not about what they thought because I was the only one there, not them. Once you believe in yourself and you already are past step #1) knowing it wasn’t your fault then you can deal with others. If you haven’t rec’d counseling not only for the rape but how you were treated afterwards, go do it. No excuses. You must take care of yourself because no one else is or knows how to other than the professionals. Stay Strong! Lynn

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  2. I see that you still have not published the above comment. I just had to tell you, things just worked out to talk to my dad about the situation, and everything got resolved once and for all! We have completely forgiven each other.

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  3. Hi Lynn, I am 29 years old, I have 2 beautiful children and am married to their father (a wonderful man) I was raped by my brother in law almost 2 years ago, this is the first time I have talked about it, I am very angry still, my husband knows what his brother did, but we do not talk about it. The question I have for you is I don’t know what to do when family gatherings happen, I do not want to be anywhere close to this “monster” so I choose not to attend theses birthday parties or holidays, this makes me even more mad because I feel like he is still controlling me, I have not told any of the family about this as I don’t want to, how do I handle this situation?

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    1. M.
      My question is where is your husband in all of this? I hope he isn’t going without you and I don’t blame you for not going, personally I wouldn’t care what the family thought I’d want to be at peace in a safe place. that being said, if your husband is going without you then he is also to blame. Especially if he knows about it because that shows more support and loyalty to his family than you. Now IF you told him not to tell his family and act normal then that falls back on you and in fact leaves his brother in control because your husband is respecting your wishes. What needs to be done is the immediate family needs to know #1) so he is seen as the black sheep as he should #2) so he doesn’t do this to another family member. I can see where you wouldn’t want them to know but hiding it when YOU did nothing wrong keeps the monster in control and thinking he can do it again to either you or someone else. Think about it and stay strong! Lynn

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  4. Okay so I got raped recently by a guy I go to school with we had been drinking and wat turned into him helping me to the bathroom endin up me against the wall . I said to get out and he wldnt ,, then it happened again a few times now he is going around school telling everyone if it happened more then once how is it rape he’s swearing on his life I’m lieing and I feel like its my fault because though I said no and stop and I don’t want to do this It still happened I still did it now my whole towns against me saying I’m a liar and I don’t know wat to do I can’t eat or sleep I don’t want to b seen and now I. Am school less and feel like an outcast what do I do ? 😦

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    1. K.
      Do your parents know? Do you have a guidence counselor at school that can help you get the help you need at school to stop being harrassed? Canyou be home schooled? Just some ideas to help you. And to answer your other question, submissive rape is not your word against theirs (thats the case in almost all rapes). Submissive rape is when your body goes into survival mode. It could be not fighting back being in fear of more harm or it could be going off mentally to another place to not think about whats happening, but in most all submissive rapes “no” has been told at some point. The other thing is you need to know and it sucks but I”m being honest, is you can’t control what other people do or think, only yourself. So concentrate on yourself and once you get your head straight the other stuff won’t hurt so bad. You were there they weren’t and you don’t need friends like all those jerks sound like. Stay strong! Lynn

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  5. I am a christian and was raped by the person I was to marry at 17 years old. I did not want it to happen and I was in a position where I was pinned to the bed but not in a violent way. It was just talking at first.
    Then he tried to fondle me but I said no and the next he was on top of me and I could not move.
    He entered me then rolled off nothing more. I loved him and I believed he loved me. But I loved the Lord, too. What I felt was just hard to describe.
    I felt I had let everyone down, my parents and the Lord.
    He wanted me to have sex but I said no but every time he would keep touching me and I would be asking him to stop but my body responded and we would have sex. When I reached orgasm it scared me because I did not know what it was. Yet each time he would try and talk me around and yes my body wanted to make love but I didn’t. It went on for months he said he loved me but did not listen to me. One night it was too much, riddled with guilt because it was my fault. I seemed powerless to stop it. And I kept explaining why I couldn’t have sex and he would still come on to me. I just snapped I could no longer feel anything and I could no longer reason or respond. I began getting so angry because he would not listen and I was confused because he said he loved me.

    I became really depressed and ill. The relationship ended but I felt I had let God down and my family. I didn’t trust anything I did, and was scared to make decisions in case it all went wrong again.
    That was over 30 years ago now. And it was only in the last two years I realised that the first time really was rape. I just could not see that for all the turmoil I was in.

    I had lived trapped believing I was no good and I could not make a right decision about my life.I was trapped by my faith and my guilt.
    Because the day I was raped changed my life because I loved the person who did it. The person said he loved me and was marrying me.
    But I could not understand why they were not listening to me.

    I am not trying to pass the blame because for all those years I just assumed the whole blame for everything. Even now I am not sure
    why I could not see this at the time. But I was so confused.
    I really hated myself and believed bad things about myself.
    I just wanted to tell someone.

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    1. L. I’m glad you told your story you obviously needed to get it out. But the one thing you need to realize and truly believe is that this was not your fault at all. None of the times it happened! You said you know now that it was rape the first time, but you need to know every time you said no it was rape. You need to take all those feelings off your shoulders and place the blame where it belongs on him. I just wished it didn’t take 30 years to do it. Rape is about control not you. It was him doing and saying what he needed to control you and you ended up feeling helpless. Don’t let those feelings control another minute of your life otherwise he will still be in control as he has been for the last 30 years. He is the one to blame NOT you!!!! Let it go and understand that you were young and vulnerable and he abused that. You didn’t do anything to deserve it. So put it behind you if you can and if you still feel the need to talk I would seek counseling or maybe even talk to someone at church. Just take care of yourself and believe in yourself that this was all him trying to control you. Don’t let it anymore! Stay strong! Lynn

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  6. Hi Lynn,

    I am L 3/04/ 2010,

    I was unsure about giving my full name which is L.
    Seems I have been carrying this thing for ever.
    Been crying a lot lately. I just stopped crying when it happened.
    For two years after the relationship I could not cry about anything and
    I could not sleep, I felt so numb inside.

    I cry at silly times about it now. Having pushed it to the back of my mind for so long I am finding I am crying like a baby.
    I feel as if I have been someone else all these years.
    I got through by telling myself my feelings did not matter.
    May be they did matter, after all.

    Thanks

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    1. L. Of course your feelings matter as do you! Don’t ever sell yourself short, you can and will be stronger than ever, give it time and commitment. Stay strong! Lynn

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  7. Hi Lynn,

    I saw my GP today. She is referring me for counseling.
    I am still unable to tell my family. Over the past two years I have only told three people whom I could trust. I have told one other person recently.
    L.

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  8. Hi Lynn,

    I was really glad that I found your website. Other rape websites define rape in the use of extreme force. He didn’t put a gun to my head, but he used some force. I was 18 when it happened, and because of the way things played out, I didn’t know it was rape at the time.
    One night, my parents were out of town, and I was feeling unusually lonely. That was very rare for me, because I almost never feel that way. It was late, and I decided to leave my house to see who was out. I sought out a “friend” of mine. I had dated him prior for two weeks, and I decided it wasn’t working out, but we still were in frequent contact. I had no previous sexual relations with him (Not that it matters). We had gotten together many times before, and I didn’t have a reason to think he would rape me that night.
    I hopped in his car, and he made the statement that he wants to have sex tonight. At first I laughed (Not sure why, maybe I didn’t think he was serious). He then extended his invitation for sex, to which I declined. He then said, “I think you want to.” And I said, “No, I’m serious.”
    Despite his pestering, I allowed him to come over to my house, because, like I said, I was lonely (and maybe half-demented) and wanted company. He continued to pressure me, and I said no. I couldn’t tell you how long this went on. We were on my bed, and I at that time was wearing a sports bra for a top, and jeans. I was letting him give me a back rub, because he had given me massages before, and it didn’t seem like a big deal. He said that if I wouldn’t have sex, he was going to leave. After a while, I was sick of arguing, and I was ok with him leaving. He said “so no then?” And I reaffirmed that was the answer (As if he needed it). He then got off my bed, exited my room, and started trekking up the stairs. I waited until he was half-way up before I thought it was safe to get up and walk him out. He obviously heard me move, because he started blundering back down the steps and back into my room. At that moment, I was kneeling on top of my bed, and was putting my sweatshirt on, or had that already. He then came over and kissed me. I was enjoying that attention (and he obviously figured this move would melt my defenses). I was also confused, because I didn’t realize exactly why he came back. He asked “Do you want me to go, or do you want me to come down with you?” I simply said that he could stay. However, he didn’t say anything about having sex at that moment, and neither did I. Then, his behavior changed. He dressed me down, and I tried to keep my underwear on, but he forcefully took it off. He started yelling at me and said “Are we going to do this or not?” I didn’t say anything. “Come on!” he barked. He had never hit me before, but I was still worried that he might get violent, and I didn’t want to find out what would happen if I didn’t answer him. So I just whispered “fine.” He forced my legs open and did his thing. Afterwords, I just sat there and wouldn’t look at him. Then he was like, “Oh, you didn’t want to do this, did you?” (Duh!!!) I started crying, and he gave me a hug. We talked for awhile, and he said that next time I’m in a situation like this, “don’t give in.” Well, I wouldn’t say that I did give in. Rather, I stopped resisting. There’s a difference. I didn’t have the strength to fight him off, emotionally, physically, or otherwise. He told me not to tell anyone, and I had no problem complying with that, because I didn’t want anyone to know anyway. He didn’t keep his mouth shut about it though, and gave others the impression it was consensual. I didn’t know this for a long time, though, and during that period I still maintained contact with him, still believing he was my “friend.” (Doh!) He would forget over time that he went against my wishes that night, because if the subject came up, he would be like, “Really? You didn’t want to?” Therefore, we remember the event differently, and unfortunately for me and him, my memory of what happened is closer to what actually happened. Last time I spoke to him, he claimed “You took your clothes off” and “I didn’t force you.” I didn’t tell anyone about the rape until 2 years after it happened, and of course I was angry when I found out he shared the incident with others. It’s been ten years now, and I’m still healing. I’ve made the decision to forgive this guy, but I’m a paralegal major, and all the rape cases I have to read about bring the memories back. It should get better, though. I know this was a very LONG story, and I appreciate you being here to support us. Thanks.

    B.K

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  9. Hi Lynn,
    I probably wasn’t very clear when I last wrote in. I made some boo boos on my first posting, and I corrected those mistakes that I should have caught the first time and submitted a second posting. I’m ok with having the second one posted, but if it’s too long of a story to go on the website, that’s ok. I was just wondering if you had any feedback on the story I entered.

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    1. BK There is no story too long as this is an outlet. I just have to take some mental time for myself and recognize when I need it. I can totally understand how this stays with you especially in the job you are doing now. My question is how is your personal life. If you haven’t rec’d any counseling and you don’t or haven”t had a good deserving personal life then you need to get counseling. If you do have a good personal/sexual life now then kudos to you but just remember it is always good to have a phone number (aka local crisis center or therapist) you can call when necessary. AND you can only be in a good long withstanding relationship IF your partner knows about your rape. Not necessarily the details just enough to be sensitive to your situation. And if they ever show signs that they aren’t they won”t be around for the long haul, fyi. Stay strong! Lynn

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  10. I’m happily married now, but I didn’t tell my husband about the rape until after we were married. I wanted to hide it because I thought I was being strong if I did. But then there have been times when I lashed out at him unreasonably, and I realized I couldn’t keep that information from him anymore. My husband was understanding, and said he doesn’t think less of me. I’ve been to counseling years ago. It wasn’t specifically rape counseling, because I had other problems in my life then, but I did tell the therapist I was seeing at the time about the rape. You are right to say it’s a good idea to talk to a rape counselor though. Forgiving myself has been the hardest part in all this, and really can’t say I have yet, despite knowing logically it wasn’t my fault. Even now I sometimes think, “I shouldn’t have told him my parents weren’t home.” But even so, it still wasn’t an invitation for him to do what he did.

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  11. I was raped at my middle school when I was 12. It happened during school hours and I didn’t see the guy, I only know that he was youngish and white. He held a knife to me and I was scared, it was over fast and I tried to push what happened out of my head for awhile and it worked for a few months. I avoided the area where it happened and tried to pretend it was all a nightmare. But when I got to the eighth grade I had to walk by that spot everyday and I couldn’t stop thinking about it or if the person who did it went to my school or taught there and was watching me or if it was just a random stranger that saw an opportunity. I fell into a deep depression and no one noticed, and I was so scared to tell my parents about what happened. It effected me so bad that I didn’t care about anything but my grades because I had to get out of that school. Even if I wanted to tell my friends I couldn’t because I let the depression hit so far that I didn’t care about anything; how I looked, hygiene, I couldn’t bring myself to care, I stopped talking and lost all the friends that I had. Over the years things started to get better, I’ve never forgot about it, there isn’t a week that doesn’t go by that I don’t think about it, but things were better. I’ve just turned seventeen and lately that’s all that I’ve been able to think about, I’m having nightmares and that makes me afraid to go to sleep. It seems like every other thing is triggering flash backs. It’s bringing back trust issues and a greater fear of rejection than I already have, I’m starting to distrust my guy friends and it’s getting progressively worse. I want to talk about it but I don’t feel like I can talk to my parents about it, not because they won’t believe me but because of how they would feel or who they would tell or if they saw me differently because of it. I want to talk to one of my friends who has recently said that she’d do anything for me but I’m afraid she may see me differently if I do so. I’m afraid it’ll make things awkward and she’s my best friend and I don’t want that to change. I need someone to talk to but I’m not really sure who to go to. I need someone who won’t tell anyone else, especially my parents. I don’t know what to do, or even if talking about it will make things better or worse, but I want to make the nightmares and flashbacks to go back to normal because the rape hasn’t effected me this bad since the eighth grade and I’ll do anything or talk about what happened to ensure that I don’t become that again.

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    1. C. Clearly you are ready and willing to deal with this and your body is telling you that now is the time. Thank you for trusting me. Have you thought about your counselor at school? If you don’t trust them then try and find a local crisis center because most either help rape victims or can refer you out, especially if you don’t have the money to pay a therapist. You can also go to rainn.org and find someone in your area and most will work with you on paying based on income which I’m assuming you don’t have since you are a student. All of these options I’ve mentioned (except for school) are subject to the privacy law (aka hipaa) and can not discuss with anyone unless they have your permission. What you can do immediately to help with your nightmares and flashbacks is to start writing out your feelings as you did here. Try doing it about an hour before bed so you not too anxious at bedtime and have had time to release it and relax. If you could journal, then take a long hot bath, a hot cup of tea and then go to bed. See if that helps. It’s all about baby steps to get to the big steps. The other thing I want you to do is STOP putting everyone else before you. You constantly said you are scared about what they think & if they look at you differently. You need to concentrate more on what you need and want. You also need to understand you are different and THAT’S OK. You need to deal with it yourself and get your head together mentally before worrying about what others think or how they may act. Once you are better you’ll be ok with who you want to tell and who you don’t. Just take care of yourself. You are not alone but you are making yourself feel like you are alone – which is very common – not a bad thing just very common. Read through “steps in the healing process” to get more ideas. And do yourself a favor and get to counseling before this jerk claims anymore of your life. As far as your friend, if she truly is your friend she’ll stay by your side and help. I tell everyone if they need one person to be able to turn to 24/7 without judgment. But also know that only you can heal yourself. Because unless you’ve been through it or a professional therapist/counselor all they can do is be your support. So let her know that you don’t expect her to heal you just be there when you need a hug, shoulder to cry on or listen. A lot of people get scared because they don’t know what to do but if you tell them right up front that is all you expect from them it takes the pressure off. So if you feel you can trust her buy all means tell her for yourself not because you’re worried about how she will be. Help yourself now because you ARE worth it. Stay strong! Lynn

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  12. Hi, I’m a 15 year old girl, I recently lost my father in november to cancer. I’ve been through a lot in the past two years but on July 3rd, I’ve given up all hope that things will get better. I was camping with my best friend, her little brother, little sister, and father. My friend said lets drink and since we were staying in a camper I didn’t think it was that bad of an idea. After we had drank about 5 each, we were OBVIOUSLY drunk. Then we drank one in front of her father and he didn’t stop us. All night he had been texting me, uncomfortable messages. At one point my friend forgot her flip flops at the beach, I told her to walk back to the camper and I would find them for her. It was too dark and I was too drunk and dizzy to even bother to really look so I was on my way back to the camper and her father called and said my friend was waiting for me and I said okay I’ll be there soon. When I got back to the camp, everyone was in the camper and the lights were off. I was kinda scared so I layed on the picnic table by the fire. Her dad tapped on the window twice but I didn’t do anything. So he texted me and said “cum lay on the bottom bunk” so i did and my phone was almost dead. I was almost sleeping and he got in the bed and raped me. After he stopped and went to bed, my phone died and I waited and then I left. I called my brother and he came and got me and my parents took me to the hospital. He made his bail so I’m scared right now. But my so called BEST FRIEND is telling everyone I wanted it. I’m 15, he is 29. I might have been drunk, but NEVER would I want a 29 year old, non the less my friend’s father. I feel broken, and like I should just give up already. Worse and worse things keep happening to me. It replays in my head every 30 seconds and I have nightmares everynight…I wake up crying. And now, I can’t even look in the mirror without crying. Also I still hurt from what he did. I’ll never be the same, help please…

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  13. I forgot to mention, I ran into two kids I knew from my school and one of them let me use their phone to call me brother.

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    1. Broken Hope, first of all you need to get some counseling like yesterday, for the loss of your father and the rape. Don’t wait because I can tell your mind and body is breaking down. Don’t worry about what anyone else (your so called friend) thinks because it doesn’t matter. I know it hurts but in the big picture it’s not gonna change anything. What is going to change and needs to change is your feelings now and in the future. Only you have control of that and your body is asking for the help so listen to it. Go to rainn.org to find the closest counselor near you or look to see if you have a local crisis center that can refer you or may even offer counseling there. In the meantime, you need to calm down and lesson your anxiety through either writing in a journal, it’s an excellent release to get all those thoughts on paper and out of your head. Also, I suggest yoga, you can buy a cheap dvd and do it in the privacy of your home. since you are so scared I would also recommend a self defense class which will help you mentally and physically. Just don’t give up because they win if you do. It’s not easy working thorough this, but it is worth it. And I know your father would be saying the same thing! Stay strong! Lynn

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  14. Thank you so much Lynn, my mom has set up counseling for me for some time next week. She told me she would definitely think about the self defense class. I recently got over mono from what happened : so i’ll be running sometime soon, which will probably help with some of my stress. This site helps so many people, just by reading your story and the facts you have on here, I felt stronger. Thank you so much 🙂 ❤

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  15. well let me start off by saying i was raped 5 years ago at the age of 14. i am almost 21 now with 2 children and a greathusband. however. i sitll have intense flashbacks and nightmares. i do tend to get very sad out of no where so on so fourth. i have gone to talk to counclers about this but stopped attending the sessions because i was uncomfortable. very. and i do not speak to my mother about the incident. she was there for me at the hospital and during all the legal crap ( he had 30 other cases and was released 2 years later after the da telling me he would have 15 to 25) i dont speak to my husband about the issue cause it angers him ( we had been together 6 months at the time of the rape ) its a toug hthing to deal with and i am at a total loss of what to do. if anybody has any advice or can speak to me about this issue please email me. J.

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    1. J. First I don’t email or allow emails to be seen on my website for your own security, however I will answer you here in this forum so hopefully you are checking back. The one thing I can tell you I know 100% for sure is that your husband, mother or friends can’t help you down your path of healing. They can support you through listening and understanding and being a shoulder to cry on or ears to listen when/if you are ready, but they can’t heal you. The only people that can do that is you and a professional and you do need help from a professional. If you felt uncomfortable with your counselor, find another one, don’t give up because you will only get better by the work YOU put into it. If you felt uncomfortable about the process, then that happens to all of us, it is not easy and it is not fair that we have to put all the work in, but it is a fact. So if you are still at the point where this is bothering your everyday life, you need to suck it up and get the professional help you need. It is hard work but it is well worth it and will not only help you but any future relationships, whether with your husband or your children or your family. If this was one of your kids that went through this wouldn’t you do everything in your power to get them the professional help they need? Well guess what you deserve it so bite the bullet and do the due diligence because you are worth it. The sooner you get started the quicker it will come. If you don’t want to go back to your old counselor then go to rainn.org and find the closest one to you. Good luck and stay strong! Lynn

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  16. Hey Lynn i am 15 years old and i was sexually harrassed by a girl i knew that was my “friend” a lot and in summer 2010 i was raped in Lebanon i was in a public pool and i met this guy who looked normal and he was flirting with me and i didnt think anything of it so he went to the bathroom and i needed to pee too so i went and he was in the girls bathroom and i didnt know it and he pushed me in the stall hurt me and raped me and i hate that that happened and then my nieghbor and so called friend took advatage of me in november my mom is still friends with one of the kids moms and she knows what happened my parents do not know that i have been raped and if they did they wouldnt understand they would blame it on me and i dont know what to do i feel like i have depression all i ever do it cry and i am always sad my parents do not understand theorpy i went a couple times and they made fun of me i hate my life i hate that this happened to me i am so depressed and miserable i feel trapped i am always freaking out and crying this isnt me why did this happen to me i am so sad why did this have to happen how could someone be so hearless please help thankyou so much!

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    1. JL, I’m so sorry this has happened to you. If you are in the US I would go to your local crisis center and ask them for help. They can give you guidance with your parents and counseling. I fyou are not in the US try rainn.org to find the nearest counselor to you. Do you have a relative or “good” friend that you can stay with for a bit or at least during the summer, just to get a break between you and your parents. If you do and they ask why, be honest and tell your mom that you are severely depressed and need help that she isn’t giving you, in fact she is making it worse by not believing you, making fun of you and staying friends with the person that did this to you. Do you have a guidance counselor at school that you trust and can talk to? Maybe they can help. Whatever you do you need counseling not only for the rape but also to give you guidance on how to deal with the lack of support you have from your family. Whatever you do don’t give up on yourself. You may not be able to change their minds but you can change yours! Get the help you need and don’t be scared because you are worth it! Stay strong! Lynn

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  17. Hi Lynn.
    im 15. two days ago, i was raped. I sort of knew the guy. I met him when I was walking in my neighborhood. & i gave him my number but it seemed like no big deal, i’ve done that before. anyway we got to know each other & i’d hang at his house, there’d always be someone there so we were never completley alone in the house. well like i do with every guy, i made it clear that i was not having sex until marriage, im a christian so thats very important to me. he said that was fine, & that he respected it. He was very nice, if I was hungry, he’d go get me something to eat, just always making sure I was comfortable. One day I went to his house & we were kissing. well wait, he is 6 foot 3 & i am 5 feet and a half inch. anyway he pulled me on top of him & we kissed. then he started to get a little more agressive. Part of me was scared, but part of me found it new & exciting. after all, he was 18. the fact that an 18 year old wanted me was so exhilirating. i’ve always liked having male attention, but I had never done anything like this before. i rolled off of him becuase he started to move too fast., touching me. I told him to stop. & i told him again don’t take my virginity. He promised me he wouldn’t & he started to kiss me & pull me on top of him again. Every few minutes i’d stop & say don’t take my viriginty don’t take my virginity. He’d tell me he wasn’t going to, and held me on top of him again. I felt something penetrate me, & it hurt, I was crying. I begged him, please stop stop stop. Then I guess when he had his finish he stopped. I sat up & cried on his bed. He hugged me & told me I was going to be okay. It was confusing because he raped me & now he was comforting me. I didn’t know what was going on. I told him no, but he was acting like I wanted it. He tried to pull me on top of himm again & that’s when I left. I’m still confused. How could he be so nice to me & then take my virginity when I told him not too? He knew how I felt about it, & I told him to stop but he didn’t listen. Is that even rape? I just don’t know what I could have done differently. I know I should not have been in that situatuion, but shouldn’t he have listened when I said no? I’m not sure how to deal with my feelings. I don’t feel like my parents understand. Just the other day my dad was yelling at me & telling me I shoould not have been with that boy. I already knew that. & then my mmom stepped in to tell me how i’ve lied to them & that they can’t trust me anymore. How was this helping me? It was just making me feel worse. I keep seeing that you are supposed to surround yourself with friends & family. But my parents just make me feel worse & they have taken my phone away so I can’t even talk to my friends. I just feel isolated. All i want to do is have a normal conversation with one of my friends but I cannot even do that. I still hear my dad saying “we cannot trust you anymore” he hasn’t even said one nice or supportive thing to me through this. I really just want to end my life & i know i sound dramatic but i don’t know what else to do. & i am worried because whn my parents took me to the hospital, they did an exam & they told me he had done a lot of damage & i’d have to see a gynocologist to see if I have internal damage. & my dad just had to throw that in my face “you might hhave to have surgery becuase of your decision” please help me Lynn. i feel like nothing & as though everyone has given up on me. I can’t even sleep in my bed, it scares me. Also i’m so so sorry this is extremely long.

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    1. S. You need to go to your school guidance counselor and ask for help with getting you counseling. Let them know everything you’ve told me and that you aren’t getting help or support from your family. If that isn’t an option then look to see if you have a local crisis center or rape hotline that you can call to get help and counseling or even try rainn.org online to find a counselor near you. The counseling will also help on how to deal with your parents. The one thing you need to know is that we can’t control how anyone else acts or what they think, we only have control of ourselves which is why you must get into counseling so you will feel the support you need and you won’t feel so alone. This is in NO WAY YOUR FAULT and I’m sorry your parents aren’t handling this better. Just because you trusted this guys word doesn’t mean you asked for it or deserved it and it doesn’t define you! So don’t give up on yourself & try to stop worrying about your parents and take care of yourself if they aren’t gonna help. You are worth it! Stay strong! Lynn

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  18. I was raped when I was 13 by a guy who was 18. We were on a youth trip. I am now 37. When I told my mom about it, she blamed me. She told the chaperones that were there that weekend and they blamed me. To this day, it still hurts to know that I had no support system then and I can’t talk to my mother about this. My husband knows and he is super supportive and amazing. I have one other friend who knows and he is supportive too. I told him the weekend that it happened because it was a friend of his who had done it. My friend and the “guy” have not spoke to each other since that weekend. I so badly want to SCREAM, KICK, and YELL at those people (including my mother) who made me feel ashamed and guilty for what happened to me. Recently the guy who raped me found me on Facebook and asked to be my friend! WHAT?!?! Are you freaking kidding me?? Obviously I am way more traumatized to this day by the whole event then he ever was. I hate him and I hate the grown-ups who were supposed to be protecting us that weekened. I hate my mother for never saying “it’s not your fault” and ever caring about me and what this did to me. I had to move away from the town that I lived in when all this happened. My mother said we moved because she had gotten a new job. Whatever. How can people be so mean and hurtful? How do I get over the guilt and the anger that I have not only for the guy who raped me but for all of the other people who blamed me?? I hate them all.

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    1. H L, Well first if you are still harboring this much anger then my first suggestion would be counseling, especially if you never went. Every one that has been raped needs professional counseling in order to get their head straight and to be able to move forward instead of backwards or idling. I can tell you what I think you need to do but you will probably think it is crazy but I’m pretty sure it would work. You need to forgive, not the rapist, but the people that didn’t support you. Forgiveness is extremely powerful, especially for rape survivors and it is also the hardest thing to do. Let me explain, by forgiving you are not saying they are or were right, not by any means. What you are forgiving is their ignorance to the fact. The fact that they didn’t know how to handle it properly. Once you can let go of the anger you won’t focus on it anymore and harbor the resentment when you know that resentment isn’t getting you anywhere. Chalk it up to a lesson learned that if you ever know anyone that goes through this that you WILL know the appropriate way to help and you can and will help to the best of your ability. You know what to say and what NOT to say or do. Remember the past can’t be changed so forgive them and let it go so you can focus on your future. Stay strong! Lynn

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  19. I’ve been molested from a very age by a close family member and eventually got raped by him when I was 12. I thought the pain was enough but I was wrong it happened to me again when I was 15 at a friends birthday party. I am now 19 and until today I still have those unhealable scars. I used to blame myself for what happened but I realised that what happened to me was not my fault. I’m still trying to heal from this trauma until today and its not easy but I know that eventually all my scars will be healed

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    1. C. Which is why I tell every single post that they need professional counseling. Time by itself doesn’t heal you, you have to work at it. No matter how hard you try to forget it and brush it under the rug it won’t go away. Rape is like your shadow and you can’t run from it. You have to meet it head on through counseling. In you case you were abused at a very early and vulnerable age in your most impressionable years. So just get counseling so when you have kids this isn’t haunting you and you can be a great parent that isn’t scared all the time. Counseling isn’t easy but it definitely not as hard as what you’ve been through. Rape is about control and everyday that this haunts you and you don’t know how to deal is another day that the person that did this to you is still in control. And if this was your child that this happened to (God forbid) you would make sure that child was getting all the counseling they needed, right? You deserve a good and happy life so work for it through the proper counseling. You and your future are WORTH IT! Stay strong! Lynn

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  20. Hi Lynn,

    I think that this is a wonderful website for people who are looking for support and guidance.

    I was raped about 4 years ago. I had a meeting to go to about an hour after work. I lived out of town and decided to go to a nearby card room to play poker until the meeting. A man sitting next to me was very talkative and bought me a drink. I refused but he guilted me into drinking it because he “had already paid for it.” Approximately 10 minutes or so later and less than half the drink, I felt extremely intoxicated, nauseous, heavy and numb. I had no idea what was going on and got up and stumbled to the restroom where I passed out. A few minutes later he was standing outside the stall trying to get me to come out. I called a friend and asked her to pick me up. He convinced me to walk with him to the bar to get a glass of water and instead made a quick turn into the nearby elevator. I protested and once we reached the parking garage I started to panic and yell. The next thing I knew I was waking up in a strange house. He was making small cuts on my feet with a box cutter. I cried and begged him not to, and asked him to wait. I tried to convince him that I would sleep with him once I sobered up if he would just wait. He replied no and told me that I was his fantasy.

    I struggled for a long time thinking it was my fault. My fault for going to the card room alone. My fault for drinking the alcoholic beverage. My fault for not stalling long enough until my friend got there or for not fighting hard enough. I eventually got past that.

    I also struggled with wondering if it was even rape. I wondered if he knew that he had raped me or if he just thought he got lucky. I wondered if he put a drug in my drink or not. I wondered if anyone else would say it was my fault or that it wasn’t rape. I eventually got past that too.

    However, a month after I was raped I had a positive pregnancy test and made the choice to terminate the pregnancy. I’m still not over that and am not sure if I ever will be. I’m angry because I feel that I should never have had to make that decision, but I also feel guilty because the decision was mine, and mine alone. I tried to get counseling, but I’m a single mom who works full-time and I always seem to miss the appointments or I’m not able to get the time available to go.

    I hope that everyone who reads this site realizes that they have a right to feel the way they do, angry, sad, guilty… it’s all normal and none of it is their fault.

    Again, thank you for a wonderful site for people to share, express their hurt, and gain courage to get help and better their lives.

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    1. P. Thank you for sharing your story! I’m glad to hear you were able to get through a lot of your feelings. Just to confirm absolutely none of this was your fault and this was definitely a drug facilitated rape. I would like to point out 2 things. #1) As far as the guilt you still carry about the terminated pregnancy, I truly feel you did the right thing for you. First of all you are already a mother and secondly I’ve seen people that feel the need to have the baby (mostly due to religious beliefs) to only resent the baby and their life later. Because you are already a mother the things you would have to deal with later on in life with your current children would be difficult as well. Everyone is different and I’m by no means saying what anyone should do, but I am saying personally my opinion is that you did the right thing. And by no means was it the easy way out, so try and let go of that guilt. #2) As far as counseling I want you to think of it this way. You MUST take care of yourself because it will reflect on your children if you don’t. Let me put it this way, if this happened to your child as a teen (god forbid) wouldn’t you do everything in your power to make sure they got the help they needed and as soon as possible to make sure they had a bright future and that this didn’t consume them? I know you would and you deserve the same. You are the most important person in that household and when you are right it reflects of everything. So make the time, sooner than later because only you can do it. You deserve the best so take care of yourself for you and your family. Stay strong! Lynn

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  21. P,
    I was also raped by probably roofies or GHB which was later determined by a Psychiatrist and ob/gyn. But by that time had already passed through my bloodstream because of the short half-life.

    I was volunteering at an animal shelter. It was a Saturday night. This guy and supposedly his “sister” came in supposedly wanting a dog. It seemed legit. They even walked the cute puppy promising to come back to give the dog a home. He then asked for my # for a date for that night. I figured well he must be nice he likes animals. And it had been a while since I’d had a date but I’m not desperate or anything. I’d play it safe and see what happens, right? Anyway. He picked me up around 8. By 10 or so we were downtown and I was drinking. He kept asking me to look the other direction and my drink was on the bar by him and I was drunk so I couldn’t put the two and two together. Obviously he was preparing to put the drug in my drink. Well he succeeded. So the next thing I remember is pulling up in his driveway and then waking up in his bed with him on top of me. But in my mind I felt defeated and like a slut and ashamed. I whimpered NO. Okay I’m crying no as I’m writing this now. He won that night but he was a skum of the earth. Then he fell asleep as if he had done nothing. I said really loudly “Take Me HOME!”!!. I never reported it because I was dealing with other issues in my life and it would’ve been too much to deal with. I finally threw the skirt out just recently cause it would’ve been evidence against him although I don’t know where he lives these days. THis event, rape, has stunted, my relationship capacity with men in a way I can’t explain. I hope he gets CAUGHT raping someone else. I pray that happens even though I don’t want another woman to get hurt from him:-( It’s a soul-scarring event. I dated one man who said well I can’t date you (like I was tainted from the rape, but I’ll be your friend….what bs). I think the man I’m dating now- I think if he knew about it, which he doesn’t yet, he’d accept it. I try not to talk about it. I try to hide it because of the thing the other guy said about it. How he just wanted to be friends with me, not date me. It sucks…Take care:-) IT’s a long road to recovery…

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    1. A. Thanks for sharing your story but I’d like to suggest 2 things to you to hopefully help. First it will definitely be a shorter road to recovery if you get some counseling because as you said it affects your life in many different ways. Secondly, you should always tell the person you want to date in the beginning. And I know it’s bs if they walk but don’t you want to know before you put the time and feelings into it. You need to know before you are invested because then it only hurts worse later, trust me. Stay strong and take care of yourself! Lynn

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  22. I was raped 4 months ago by my now ex husband. Lately I have having nightmares and feel like the whole thing was my fault….I just can’t accept that its not!

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    1. a. Not sure why you are feeling at fault but I can guarantee you there is nothing that excuses the act of rape. You won’t be able to get through the healing process if you are blaming yourself. Unless you verbally asked for it (and I know you didn’t) it’s NOT your fault! It’s that simple. Anyone that endures rape needs counseling so I hope you get it. It isn’t easy but it isn’t as hard as the actual rape and we are not hardwired to know how to deal with it ourselves. The only people that can help and understand are people that have been through it (there is group counseling) and professionals that are trained how to help you (therapists/counselors). So call your local crisis center or go to rainn.org and find the nearest counselor to you. It is so very important especially if you know the person that did this and can possibly have future contacts with him. The act of rape is about control, not you. And if you didn’t turn him in and they know where you live or your schedule or can get access to you again it is very possible they will try again. Because they feel they are still in control and can do what they want. So I am worried about you. You need to take necessary steps to get as far away from him as possible, like moving, changing phone numbers, taking a self defense class and even possibly turning him in. do you have any possible evidence? Even if you don’t and you go to the police, they will confront him and he will know he is no longer in control. BUT if you do you need to make safety measures before so you feel safe. You need to do that regardless. Then you need to get the counseling to help you get back in control of your life. Stay strong! Lynn

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  23. I was raped two years ago by my cousin. It has taken me this long to even begin dealing with it, and months of falling apart on the regular, and experiencing crazy sporadic lows before I realized what the cause and source of all the unevenness and pain was and is.

    He was in town with friends and we hadn’t seen each other for years. We were both drinking heavily, he kept encouraging me to take shots – and while I take responsibility for the amount I drink, I also know that I would never have drank like that on a Tuesday night of my own accord, nor ended up in the situation I did if it were solely up to me. I thought for the longest time that because I was so drunk and he was so drunk that meant it was consensual or at least that we were both complicit in this horrifying thing that happened.

    We left because I needed to go home and he kept trying to make out with me in the cab. I told him that it felt twisted and we shouldn’t kiss and that I didn’t want to and it was wrong. The friends who he was staying with weren’t with us anymore so he wanted to stay over but I’d just moved in and my bed wasn’t set up and I didn’t want to both be on my couch – that seemed weird. I tried to explain all that, and the next thing I knew we were checking into a hotel.

    I still am furious at myself for not processing what was going to happen quickly enough to stop it. I’m terrified even in writing this that your response will be “but that’s not rape. You went with him.”

    Its funny and ironic to be as educated as I am about these things and to know the things women diagnostically feel after rape and shouldn’t feel – ashamed, guilty, responsible, scared no one will believe them – and yet to feel them in such a fundamentally real and visceral way. It is the difference between that which my brain knows, and the deep seeded emotion that sits in my heart and in my gut.

    But lately, I’ve also been realizing that if my brother or father – any of these actually trustworthy, amazing men in my life who I am blessed to have – checked into a hotel with me because I said there was no room in my apartment for them to stay, I would have blindly followed them wherever they went. I would have trusted their judgement over mine especially because I knew, at the very least, that I was extremely drunk and was and needed to be in good hands.

    I thought I blacked out that night but I am remembering so much now. It comes in waves and is haunting and disgusting. I don’t remember what color his shirt was but I still remember the new favorite bra I left behind that I’d bought earlier that week and how much it cost. I finally threw out the shirt I had been wearing three weeks ago.

    I don’t like talking about what happens next. I don’t like seeing it in print. I’ve been writing a lot in a small notebook that I no longer let out of my sight but it is very difficult for me to re-read anything I’ve written. I put it down on paper as if it will remove all of this from me, and then want to leave it there and never turn back to that page.

    I found a therapist who is wonderful and who has helped me tremendously in accepting this, and myself, again. I haven’t seen him in two weeks though and I’m really struggling without that connection and line.

    The first therapist I started going to before I realized / admitted / accepted what had happened was someone I started seeing because I was feeling so insanely out of control with everything in my life. Because there felt this big mismatch between where my head and heart was with men, and how physical I let things get with them after this incident. Because I was drinking more than I was comfortable with, and was worried that all of the very good things I have going for me, the things I do still love in my life and for which I work so hard, would be lost if I didn’t get it together. I didn’t realize then, that in so many ways I was going through an exercise of replicating the same situation – getting drunk, going further physically with someone than I was comfortable with – to prove to myself that things could be so circumstantially similar, and not have such a detrimental after effect. I was coping.

    When I finally told that first therapist what had happened she told me I was culpable. For the amount I drank. For getting myself in that situation. For being out of touch with myself enough to allow it to happen. She said he was a pig but that it was my fault too and that I was also responsible. I am angry at her for fueling my denial, and increasing the amount of time that I have been carrying this alone and trying to pretend to myself and to the world that it is okay. That I am okay.

    It has taken me two years and three weeks almost to the day to get comfortable calling it what it was. To accept that no matter how drunk I was, or how drunk he was, he was and is still responsible for where he puts his dick and who he puts it in. It has taken me this long to really truly feel boiling mad, to feel more angry than sad, at the fact that when he should have put me in bed with a glass of water and made sure I didn’t throw up in my sleep, he instead put his lips on me, took my clothes off, and did what he damn pleased while the room spun.

    He’s been trying to get in touch lately. To be friendly. Says he is concerned about me and that he wants to make peace and misses me and will be in town again soon. It makes me irate and so terrified. I’m scared of him. Of the fact that I will inevitably see him one day at a family event and feel steeped in this shame that I feel so essentially. Steeped in the internal divide that has come from feeling like I did not protect myself. That I deserved it somehow. That maybe I asked for it and didn’t know so.

    It scares me how angry I am, too. I am not an angry person so I don’t know what to do with it or how to process it. I’ve been gravitating towards people who have the emotional depth to understand my pain. Some I already know well. Some I have only recently met. It’s funny, but I seem to be drawn to people who – regardless of knowing their experiences – have experienced some trauma too.

    I’ve been encouraging myself to talk about it, and am finding now that I have an incredibly difficult time being with or around people who don’t know. Not that every time I’m in a room I need to feel like everyone knows, so much as I need to know there is one person who does and still sees me as a wonderful person. One person who has my back. One person who will not question me if I suddenly lose the ability to interact normally with others, and who I can talk quietly to if/when it bubbles up, or who won’t question me if need to leave instantly so that I don’t burst into tears which will demand more explanation.

    I worry too about self-anesthetizing. I have had so much trouble sleeping, and so I’ve taken sleep aids just to help me calm down and get a good night rest so that my body is strong enough to deal with the waves of emotion. I’ve been drinking, too, to help channel the stress, and though I was always a social smoker I’ve now started really going through cigarettes. I don’t want to come out on top of this and find that I have a substance problem at the end.

    So I’ve been writing a lot. And throwing myself into work. Cutting the people out who I am too scared to tell or who I feel would question me or not have the compassion or bandwidth to weather through the erratic range of emotions I am experiencing.

    I am trying to let myself lean unapologetically on the few and very faithful friends who know so that when I need to be reminded that I will not always feel this broken, and when I need a reminder that this too – like everything – shall pass, and when I need a reminder that I am still made to be loved despite or regardless of this ugly, ugly, base thing that happened to me, this awful rotten thing that is part of me, they are there. So that when I forget how to be kind to myself about this, I have them to show me how.

    I finally broke down and told my sister recently, and I am so blessed and lucky to have had her unquestioning support. I don’t think I can ever tell my parents, and its put a big rift between us because I am going through something so close to the surface that talking to them about anything but this feels so isolating and alien, and yet this is not something I could ever tell them. Or at least, for now, something I am not ready to say.

    He put his tongue on me. He put himself in me in places where it doesn’t belong. He told me he loved me. He took so much from me. And I want it back. I want to be able to give those things I used to treasure about myself to some lovely man who loves me fully and completely one day, but they feel so far away.

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    1. Z. First I would like to say that it seems you are going about it the right way, just try to get back in with the counselor that is helping you. And to help with your sleeping, try your writing about an hour before bed and then after you finish writing do 15 to 20 minutes of yoga. The writing is a mental release and the yoga is a physical release and calming affect. Hopefully if you are doing this at night you won’t drink so much because that screws with your sleep as well. Get into this ritual and I promise it will help with your sleep. The more “good” sleep the less anxiety you will have. And lastly if you want to “get it back” then you need to try your best to release the past and not let this rape control you and your future. Think of it this way; rape is about control. Every day that this person ruins your day, they are still in control. This person has taken enough from you so don’t give him another minute! The past can’t be change no matter how much we cry (and we do need to shed our amount of tears, trust me). But after a while you just get sick and tired of being sick and tired and you realize it isn’t getting you anywhere. So keep up with the counseling because the only people that can help are other survivors and those that have been professional trained. The fact that you found a counselor you like (and I can tell they are helping) is wonderful. So stick with it and hopefully the suggestions above will work. Stay strong! Lynn

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  24. i was raped 2 years ago by a college person I knew , I opened up to my family and told them and they helped me ive gone to counciling and all I have done is cry because that incident has changed my life since 2010 . I have post dramatic stress disorder and ocd like ihave to be in control in every situtaton. in 2011 I met my husband and he made me forget all about it and helped me through it but he deployed and when he came back he thought I changed and over came this . I didnt so now he likes to be in control when we talk or if we argue like wrestling like im his brother idk what more I can do to help but its killing our marriage. im not sexual anymore and when people touch me I freak out and if I cant get myself out of a situation I freak out and cry , idk what I can do please help!.

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    1. s. It is obvious to me that you need more counseling, especially because you are in a different situation now being married. Getting counseling when you are not in a relationship is completely different than when you are and mostly because you are in a sexual relationship. Unfortunately being raped doesn’t go away with counseling, nor does it ever go away. We just learn the best way to deal with it. Eventually you will get your sense of security back and realize not to let it run your life. You eventually realize it is in your past NOT in your future. Albeit all survivors learn to be extra careful and know our surroundings but you will feel better because you have this extra sense now. Have you tried self defense classes? This really helps with your confidence level and your sense of security BUT it can’t replace counseling. Try some of my advice on the website under “steps in the healing process” but none can replace the fact that you need more counseling based on your current situation. Your husband will appreciate that you are helping yourself as well because it kind of takes him off the hook because he wants to help but doesn’t know how. I promise not only will it help you but also your marriage in the long run, but it will take time. But it is worth it and remember the longer you wait the longer it takes. Stay strong! Lynn

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  25. I was raped at age 16 by my best friend’s boyfriend. She was 18 and he was 24. He lived about 2 hours from where we lived. One weekend we decided to go stay in that town so she could see him. I went too because she didn’t want to go by herself, and because we also knew a few other people from that town, so I agreed to go so I could hang out with my friends that I hadn’t seen in a while. When we were trying to book the hotel room, we were told that we couldn’t do it without a credit card, so my friend asked her boyfriend if we could use his, and he agreed that we could.

    On our last night there, my friend, her boyfriend, and another girl that I didn’t really like decided to go out and do sonething. I didn’t like the girl that was with them, so I decided to stay at the hotel room while they went out. A few hours later I fell asleep and was awaken by my friends boyfriend standing over my bed

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  26. Sorry. I sent that last comnent before I meant to.

    Anyways, I woke up with my friend’s boyfriend standing over my bed. I asked him how he got in my hotel room and he said that he just told the front desk that he forgot his key and they gave him one. (I guess they thought it was his room because it was on his credit card.) He told me that he was at a party with my friend and her friend but told them that he had an errand to run and he told them to stay at the party and he woukd be right back.

    At first, I had no clue why he lied to my friend about an errand or why he was even here with me. I was so stupid back then that it honestly never occurred to me that he would be here for any “foul play” or sexual reasons because he was datibg my friend. He soon came over to me, and started to try and kiss me. I was shocked and tried to push him away. He then tried to pull my shorts off. I held on to my shorts with all my might, until my fingers hurt. He finally managed to get my shorts down though. I kept telling him that he needed to leave and he kept saying things like “we are just goung to have fun,” and “you knoe you want this.”

    He climbed on top of me and I kept trying to push him off. He grabbed my arms and pinned them above my head. After that, I quit trying to fight him because I knew it wouldn’t do any good. The whole time he was having sex with me, he kept trying to get me to kiss him and kept saying I was beautiful. I would turn my head everytime he tried to kiss me and would refuse his kiss. I thought it was so crazy that he was acting so casual throughout the whole thing. He didn’t act like what I thought a rapist would act like. When he was done, he quickly left and said “don’t tell your friend becuse she will be mad at you too.”

    When he left, I started crying and throwing up. I never told anyone about it for aabout a month. The first person I told was my sister. When I told her what happened, she immidiately said “you were raped!” To which I quickly said ” No! I wasn’t raped! I just had sex and I didn’t want to.” Because the events didn’t happen like I thought aa rape would happen, (I.e. I wasn’t beat, or tied up, held at gunpoint) the word “rape” never really came to mind.

    For years, I had felt so guilty. I felt guilty for so mant reasons. 1.) I felt like I could have dobe more to stop it- I should have screamed and may be the people next door would have heard. I should have fought harder-I could have kicked more, or punch more. Instead, I froze up and just took it because I was afraid he would hurt me. I didn’t realize at that moment that he had already hurt me in more ways than I could have imagined. 2.) I felt extremely guilty because it was my best friend’s boyfriend. I didn’t want to tell her. When I did tell her, she cried and to this day, I’m not sure if it was because of what I went through or the fact that her boyfriend “cheated” on her.

    It has been 12 years since that happened and for some reason, I had a dream about him last night. I don’t know why I did. I havnt ever had a dream about him before and have thought very little of him in the last few years and now all the sudden my brain just decided to bring this back up at of nowhere. All of the sudden, the guilt and the horrible feelings associated with that night came back in a rush. I feel so guilty because I didn’t fight harder. That is my biggest regret! He acted so casually that I don’t even think he knows he raped me. I am afraid he thinks that I just eventually gave in. But I didn’t! I was just scared that it may turn into one of those “bad rape cases” that I had heard about. But I should have still tried. He may not have gotten too violent and I may have gotten out of there without losing my verginity to my friend’s 24 year old boyfriend.

    I’m now married with two kids and had really thought that I had put all of this behind me, but now that I have had this dream, all if the old feelungs are back and I can’t do anything but cry and nobody even knows why I am crying because I have never told anyone besides my friend (I no longer speak to her) and my sister. I wish I could just forget!

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    1. T. Unfortunately our rape is always with us and sometimes when we thing we are good it comes and rears it’s ugly head. Something you could have seen or heard and it stuck in your subconscious. But I can tell you if you’ve never had counseling it will continue. With the proper counseling you learn how to put those bad feelings aside because you will realize that none of this was your fault. You will learn to forgive yourself for not fighting harder. You will learn that the reason you didn’t was because you were in survival mode because things could have gotten worse. People that are capable of rape are capable of worse things trust me, especially when things don’t go there way or when they are on drugs and/or alcohol. It can go from 0 to 60 in a snap. So you went into survival mode like MANY do. You didn’t do anything wrong, you just didn’t know the right thing to do and that is OK because you never thought you would be in that situation. The longer you wait for counseling the more opportunities will come that you continue to feel this way. You have a family and a husband and I know you don’t want this to affect them as well. So take care of yourself, you and your family deserve it. Once you are in counseling you can determine if you want to tell your husband and how, because I think he needs to know. Not the details but that you are a survivor so he can be empathetic to your situation when you need him to be. And that you are helping yourself through counseling. Stay strong! Lynn

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  27. 1. First party: a girl pulls me into the bathroom with her. We were friends – I assume she wants to talk about a cute boy at the party or something. When she pulls me in, I notice there are two boys in the bathroom, as well. “Sorry – I just want to feel your boobs,” she says as she gropes me in front of the boys. “Just to see if they’re real.” I leave the bathroom as soon as possible – confused, embarrassed, and feeling violated. I don’t tell anyone – I don’t want more people imagining it and I’m probably overreacting anyway.

    2. Night with new boyfriend: I drank a lot and fell asleep the second we got into bed. I’d never had sex with this boy. I halfway wake up during the night and his hand is down the front of my shorts, rubbing me. I “stir in my sleep” and he instantly stops what he’s doing. I roll away from him and fall back asleep. Within minutes, he’s grabbed my shoulder and slowly pushed me so I’m on my back again. Using his leg, he pins my leg down and proceeds to put his hand back down my shorts. He’s a lot stronger than I ever imagined. I keep my head turned away from him, my eyes tight shut, and just start shaking uncontrollably. My grandpa was in the room next door – I could have yelled for him, but I was too embarrassed. I figured I’d just let XXX do what he was doing and I’d pretend nothing was happening. My body was resisting as much as possible – tense, shaking, freezing cold. “Oh yeah baby, you feel so good!” “Shhhh…” I don’t remember anything after that until three hours later. I wake up again and my shorts are pulled down to my knees. His shorts are completely off and he’s holding my hand on his penis. I pull my hand away, pull up my shorts, and roll over. In my head, again I was overreacting – how old am I? Grow up… Things like this happen all the time. He was drunk. I was drunk. Just forget about it and pretend it didn’t happen. So I did.

    3. Continued to see him. While sober, everything was nice, happy, fun, and normal. Every time he drank, he’d rape me while I was sleeping. It got to the point that the second I saw him get a beer, I’d start taking shots. I’d rather be blacked out drunk than awake while this other version of him touched me. He was never violent, just incredibly forceful. Pinning me down, not letting me get out of bed to go to the bathroom, “going to bed early”. Once, we went out with friends and we were laying on the couch in the middle of the room. In his drunken state he just started unzipping my pants and putting his hand in my underwear. In front of everyone. In the middle of a room with the lights on. I was literally fighting him for control of my own zipper.

    4. It finally got to the point where I had to get away. It needed to be drastic because as far as my friends and family thought, he was a really great guy! There would be no reason for me to breakup with him.. So I moved away to a completely different province. I figured I’d start over there and be a different kind of person – one who didn’t let anyone touch her without her permission. Wrong. I made a few friends when I first moved there. We met at a concert. I made sure to not date anyone. It wasnt that I was scared – I just wasnt interested. I didn’t care about anything. So these friends that I met were guys and I liked the fact that when I was with them, nobody would hit on me. I made it very clear to them that we were just friends, and they Were cool with that.

    5. One of the friends had a long-time, serious girlfriend. He posed zero threat to me. One night we all went out and then went back to their place to watch a movie. The others went to bed early. XXX and I started to watch the movie. We were on completely separate ends of the couch. At one point during the movie, he got up and took two shots. He came back to the couch and laid down with his feet by me. A few minutes later, he sat up and laid the other way with his head by my lap. I asked him about his girlfriend and he said they just broke up. He then said he this fantasy of making out with me. I said, “good for you,” and started to get off the couch. He apologized and sat back on his side so I say down again. It was almost 4am and I fell asleep. I remember falling asleep sitting up. Fully clothed. I halfway woke up to him pushing on my throat with his hand. I was laying on the couch, my shirt was completely unbuttoned, and bra was I undone and pulled down awkwardly over my arms. He was laying on top of me kissing down my stomach. Completely shocked and still half asleep, I said, “what are you doing?! Stop.” And tried to roll away from him. He literally pretended he was sleeping and rolled off of me. I fell asleep again and woke up about thirty minutes later to him pulling my pants down with one hand while fingering me with the other. I pushed my legs together, but he used his knee to push them apart. He started pushing down really hard on the side of my stomach – it felt like he was crushing my organs. I was whispering stop to him but he just started kissing my stomach, neck, and breasts. Then he bit me really hard. I blacked out and remember waking up and I was rolled on my side facing the couch. He was behind me with his arm over me. I woke up with my hands clenched in fists, my arms pulled in really tight an shaking. I got up and put all of my clothes back on normally (zippers, buttons – all undone). I put on my shoes and walked to my car – I threw up outside my car door and drove home, shaking so much I could barely press the gas pedal.

    5. It’s hard to not think these things are my fault. Why don’t I yell, run, confront? I just freeze and pretend its not happening. If I don’t talk about it, it’s not real. If I don’t confront, maybe they’ll think I don’t know and it’ll be less embarrassing. Maybe they were so drunk they don’t remember. Maybe I want this to keep happening because I’m broken. Maybe eventually I’ll get over it and go back to normal. Or maybe I’ll keep being numb to everything. I literally don’t care anymore. I went home that early morning and took a two hour shower. Then I slept for thirteen hours straight. I didn’t even notice the giant hickey on my neck until I was getting ready for work the next day. I had to wear scarves and turtlenecks for four days, even with makeup. I had two bruises on my stomach from where he was pushing on it. I laughed when I saw them. I purposely run at night now – I like the danger it presents. I thought about becoming really promiscuous. Thought about drinking heavily. But then I realized that if I do that, someone will know something’s wrong. If they know, then I’ll have to “know”. At this point, I’m staying in my “I don’t care about anything. I don’t fear anything. Nothing is wrong” stage.

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    1. Wanttodrivefast: I really feel for you while you are in this stage of your life. But not wanting to believe this as happened isn’t going to help you. By not recognizing when someone is violating you, then they are in control. They don’t deserve to be in control of you. Only you should control you. I think you MUST do 2 things #1) seek counseling before it get worse. You won’t be judged and I promise it will help you and your future. #2) I want you to take a self defense class. This will help with your sense of security as well as your confidence. You are the only person that should be controlling your life and you have no reason to be embarrassed when this happens. These actions don’t define you just the people that have done this to you. And everyday that you aren’t in control of your life they are and we both know they don’t deserve another minute. All you did was trust these guys and I don’t want you to give up on yourself or the good guys that are out there. I realize some of what happened to you was confusing at first but you have to protect yourself going forward because YOU ARE WORTHY OF A GOOD LIFE! This is how I want you to think about it. What if this happened to your daughter (God forbid) what would you want her to do? Now I need you to do the same for yourself because if you don’t take care of yourself, how will you know one day to take care of your kids? Please go get the counseling you need and take the self defense classes. Stay strong! Lynn

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  28. I was raped 5 years ago, only a few of my friends know but not my parents. I was 9 years old and I was being sexually harassed by a 7th grader who helped in the school. He kept forcing me to kiss him and he would lick me a lot and touch me in inappropriate places.
    That went on for years since I was 7, when I was 9 I started puberty I was an early starter. Soon everybody knew since I had to go to the bathroom a lot, he especially knew. When he found out he took me into a janitors closet and forced himself on top of me. I didn’t tell anyone until last year when my best friend read my journal and had me tell her.
    I never told my parents because I knew they would blame me since I didn’t tell anybody about him harrassing me, so I decided to not tell my parents. I’m 13 almost 14 now which means it’s been 5 years since my rape. I haven’t seen him in 2 years but I’ve been seeing him a lot lately, at first I thought he was actually there until I learned it was all my imagination and I was hallucinating him. It’s bringing up bad memories and nightmares.
    My boyfriend knows, I didn’t tell him my friend accidently told him it was a wrong chat pod thing. He tries to help me and I have had less nightmares, less hallucinations and I haven’t cried as often at night for 3 months. But I want it gone for good, how can I make it leave my mind?

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    1. 5 years ago. Keeping it inside only makes it worse. Rape isn’t anything we can ever forget about, only learn how to deal so it doesn’t control our emotions and ultimately our life going forward. The ONLY way to learn how to cope and live the good life you deserve is through counseling. Because you are 14 you have a couple choices. You can call your local crisis center let them know your age (it’s anonymous) and tell them you need to be counseled because you were raped and you can’t get over it. Or you can go to the school guidance counselor and ask them for help (I recommend this especially if the kid is in your same school). Or you can confide in your parents and ask them to help you get counseling. Now I know you don’t want to do that but I need you to think of it this way. What if this was your child and they felt as if they couldn’t come to you, how would you feel. If your parents are loving and supportive of you then I think you should confide in them. You don’t even have to necessarily tell them about the harassing part if you don’t want to because rape is rape is rape. Just tell them that you were ashamed and terrified and just wanted it to go away but 5 years later it hasn’t and you need there help. But however you go about it PLEASE get the counseling you need because the longer you wait the longer it takes to heal. And I know you aren’t thinking about this now but if you don’t get counseling it will affect every aspect of your life now and as a grown up. If you don’t believe me read through the over 1000 posts on this site, trust me on this. You deserve to be happy and have a good life! Stay strong! Lynn

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  29. I have a son who is a product of my rape. It was never reported. I came from a history of abuse and had a terrible experience with the legal system. My hope in life is that my son may never find out. I love him regardless of anything. He saved my life. He saved me. If I had not had him I would not exist today. I told my husband a few months back and he because very angry. At first he told me I was strong but he didn’t talk about it. I felt like he always treated my son a little differently because he was not his but I fear that this information made it worse. Last night he told me it was my fault. He blamed me as much as he blamed my abuser. I should have reported it, I should have had something done about. That I was selfish for bring that child into the world. This new has devastated me. when I was looking for an allay someone in my corner and support I m dealing with someone who hates me and blames me. How can I forgive and move forward with this. I m relieved I got the answers I needed but had no idea how to process this information.

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    1. BrokenMother. It’s sad that sometimes the ones we hope understand the most, don’t and don’t support us when we need it. But in this type of situation you need to give him time. I personally would get into counseling asap and tell them exactly what you told me. You can get help for yourself and your husband as well as how to deal with your son ever finding out. It is very hard to deal with someone that you love that blames you for such a horrible act but I need you to concentrate on how this has made you feel first with the counselor. Because unfortunately we can’t change what anyone else thinks, but we sure do worry about it a lot. When the answer lies within us. Deal with our feelings first and then it completely helps you understand how to deal with theirs. You can start by truly believing deep down that you aren’t to blame and did not deserve this. I didn’t report mine either, doesn’t mean we deserved it. He just has no way of understanding how to cope and neither do you so at least you need to get into counseling and maybe he will follow. But whether or not he does take care of yourself and then you will realize what you can and should not tolerate. Stay strong! Lynn

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  30. I have kept my silence for 12 years. When I was 6 years old my older brother started to abuse me sexually. He made me do things to him that I did not want to do. I never told anyone because we have a very close knit family and i didn’t want to be the one to ruin that. I recently told my boss-who i am close friends with- and she completely understood and felt sympathy, even though i don’t want it. Ever since those events occurred, I have acted and talked more like a girl (I am a boy) and am constantly mistaken for being gay. I am in a psychology course in college and I now understand why. According to Freud (a renowned psychologist) the components of our personality are derived from experiences that we faced as children, and that makes complete sense in my life. I wish I could go back and erase what happened to me. I have not been able to maintain a girlfriend because of the way I talk. I also have a lot of hate for my brother and my main ambition in life is to beat him at what ever it is he does. He now has two boys of his own, I PRAY that he not allow them near any older men because I do not wish this UPON anybody.

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    1. D. Well if some of this is starting to click because of you class I would hope that it would click professional counseling would help you too. This happened at a very impressionable and vulnerable age. As you grew and were introduced to to world as we know it (what is protected from you as a child) it probably left you with very confusing feelings that you might not have dealt with because the memories were too difficult either to remember or even want to remember. It is very deeply imbedded in you and has been. You know you would like help because you are here and as I tell each and everyone that you must get counseling. Don’t be scared of what comes out be scared of what isn’t because that stays with you forever. But if you can let it out and give yourself room to heal and focus on how you want your future to be, you can do it. The past can’t be changed but it can be dealt with and then left in the past. I would however during this healing time stay away from your brother if you don’t already. If you still have a tight knit family and are around him. I would keep your distance until through counseling you learn the best way to deal with him going forward. Stay strong! Lynn

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  31. Hi Lynn, my wife’s younger sister 17yrs old was raped yesterday night by armed robbers in her father’s house. This is her first experience at sex and it was forcibly done by 2 armed sick men. I am just trying to be there for her and let her heal but I am also trying to get her to discuss what happened and how it makes her feel. I am thinking of getting a friend of mine who has gone through the same thing talk to her and help her. I honestly am struggling although she seems to trust me and is opening up to me. I have read through your site and will suggest it to her in the morning. We are in Nigeria and there’s zero support for this kind of thing but

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    1. Ebere, yes I have heard there is no support there and it makes me sick BUT I’m glad you found my site. If you can’t find a counselor then the next best thing is your friend that has been through it. Are the police able to suggest help for her? She needs to be able to let it out and not keep it locked up or act like it didn’t happen. Because the longer it takes for her to open up and talk the longer it takes to heal. It doesn’t just go away with time. I’m so happy she has you for help and support and your friend, thank you for stepping up and helping. Besides the friend have her go through my site to get some good ideas for the healing process. Stay strong! Lynn

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  32. My 13 daughter was raped by her so called friend. Im trying to be strong for her but it’s hard when it’s like. she hates me. Im on pins. All. Time but she thinks I need give her space

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    1. GJ you do need to give her space, just be there for her as her rock meaning a shoulder to cry on or to be with when she is scared. You can’t push her into saying or doing anything or she will distance herself. Just tell her that you are there when she needs you and support her in whatever she needs. She will eventually need counseling but again you can’t make her until she is ready. Maybe show her this site.. you don’t have to point out that we spoke but just tell her there are things here that can help. I’m sure she is scared, frustrated & confused. Let her know she is protected. Maybe mention to her to take a self defense class, see if that interests her. It is normal for her to hate life right now so try not to take it too personal. Stay strong! Lynn

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