Steps in The Healing Process

#1) Believe deep down it is not your fault, no matter what the actions were leading up to the rape, you need to know and accept there is nothing that justifies rape and you didn’t do anything to deserve it! Everyone I talk to feels guilty or ashamed in one form or another, but what you don’t understand is the person that is deserving of the guilt and shame is the person that chose to do the rape, NOT YOU! The rape was not about anything you did, it is about the attacker needing control and they are responsible for their actions NOT YOU!!!

#2) You need to try and do your best to deal with your feelings as they arise. I’ve learned that in order to feel like a survivor you face them head on. You have two options, deal with them head on or run from them. The problem is when you run, your demons become your shadow and you can never outrun your shadow, so it is best to try and deal with your emotions head on instead of trying to outrun something you can’t.

#3) The one thing I learned the hard way was that none of my loved ones reacted they way I thought they would, so I immediately was more concerned with their thoughts and actions than my own healing process. I see this almost every time when counseling a survivor. The first thing I hear is, “What is my family (often spouse/partner) going to think?” or “how are they going to react?” My typical response is, “I know you are worried about their reactions BUT aren’t you more worried about your well being for you and your family?” Before you expend your energy on controlling someone else’s feelings (when ultimately you can’t) you should take that energy to heal yourself. Because you truly need to believe that you did nothing to lead up to the rape and know in your heart it wasn’t your fault. When YOU realize it doesn’t matter what you were wearing, where you were at or what you were doing, then it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks! The bottom line is you have to take care of yourself first before you can take care of anyone else!

#4) Surround yourself with the people who support you and distance yourself (at least temporarily) from those who don’t.

#5) Find the positive in something everyday and focus on it no matter how small or stupid it is. A lot of days you will have to dig deep to find it, even if it is splurging on a dessert or watching your favorite TV show, but you must find something positive everyday to keep you going. This will also help train your brain that you can block out the negative.

#6) Remember that you can’t change the past so stop focusing on it with – shoulda, coulda, woulda – because it doesn’t matter since the past can’t be changed. If you are focusing on something you wished you would have done differently or beating yourself up with something you did, then you do not believe it wasn’t your fault, step #1. YOU MUST BELIEVE THAT IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT and until you do you have a long struggle in your recovery. Remember NOTHING JUSTIFIES RAPE!

#7) Focus on what you DO have control of and that is your future. The day I stopped letting my assaulter control my life is the day I realized I could be dead. At that moment (about 9 months later) even though I knew my assaulter took something from me, I realized he did not take my life and I wasn’t about to give him another day of MY life! He doesn’t deserve it, not one more minute! I felt this huge relief that I sat down and cried for hours. From that day on I stopped worrying about my past and what anyone else thought and focused on appreciating the life I had left. Now I’m not saying I skipped off into the sunset, but that was the day I stopped feeling sorry for myself (those emotions are allowed – for a while) and picked myself up and took a step forward instead of backwards.

#8) DO NOT turn to drugs and alcohol to mask the pain, once again you MUST FEEL IN ORDER TO HEAL. Alcohol and/or drugs are only a temporary fix and does absolutely nothing to solve the problem other than to push it deeper. You must deal with it and the more you feel and release, the more room you have to heal.

#9) DON’T rely on anyone else to heal you. You will heal as much as you put the work into it. Hopefully you will have support, but you need to know while it is OK to accept help from others, only you can heal yourself. Healing yourself through some type of professional counseling, whether group, individual or anonymously. A lot of cities offer free counseling or support groups through their local crisis centers. There are your some church groups or if you health insurance (make sure mental health is covered under your plan) use that. Some employers have EAP (employee assistance programs) that are completely anonymous even to your employer and usually offer a couple free visits. Go to rainn.org to find the closest counselor to you. There are so many resources, just make the commitment to start helping yourself and you’ll find a way!

#10) While the above suggestions are more long term, I would like to make some suggestions for baby steps that can help “right now”. My most successful suggestion is to right down your feelings at the end of the day (good or bad) whatever they are just as a release. This is good for survivors or immediate family members trying to cope as well. It is up to you whether or not you keep it, it is just a way for you to get your honest and true emotions out and not keep them deep inside you, which only fester. Warms baths are great before bed along with a good book to take me away, if even for 30 minutes. I always try to keep a book in purse, dvd at home or cd in car that I love and makes me feel good that I can immediately turn to to brighten my mood. And if you don’t have a pet, get one! Pets are amazing and offer true unconditional love BUT make sure you have the time to love and nurture your pet and you will get nothing less back!

#11) Think about taking a self defense class. After being raped your sense of security is shot and an excellent way to start to get it back is taking a self defense class. It is very empowering and a good confidence builder.

#12) Try yoga (if you don’t alreaady), it is truly amazing how it makes you feel calm and can just release the stress and anxiety. Never tried it until after my rape and I still have the same at home beginner dvds I’ve used for years, but I love them and I truly feel empowered, strong and relaxed when I’m done. They say you can heal your body through your breathing and I believe it. Tell me you don’t feel a little better after you take a few big deep breaths. Well, when you are doing yoga, not only is your body trying to align and release your stress you are holding in your body, but you are really breathing the whole time and getting oxygen to your entire body, which is not only a calming affect but helps the tightness in your muscles to release. So trust me just try it a few times, you don’t have to do it perfect (which is why I do it at my house) but I always feel better afterwards, never fails..

996 thoughts on “Steps in The Healing Process”

    1. P. Rape is NEVER your fault whether or not you tell someone, please believe that. Also, many don’t say anything, it is a common thing with rape victims. Believing it’s not your fault and that rape doesn’t define you is your first HUGE step to recovery. So forgive yourself for not saying anything and you will feel so much better. Stay strong, Lynn

      Like

  1. I was raped when I was 14 by a family ‘friend’. I’m 18 now, and I never told anyone, because I didn’t want people to change their opinions of me, I couldn’t face my family knowing what happened and I didn’t want to get the police involved either (a mistake I regret to this day).
    I told my best friends a while ago, the first people i’ve ever spoken to about it, and I thought I would be ok because it was so long ago, and I thought I had dealt with the emotions, which I know now is wrong.
    I don’t understand what’s happening, i’m angry, i’m upset, i’m un-motivated to do anything, I feel guilty even though I didn’t do anything, I feel regret, and I just can’t get anything done, i’m falling behind at university with my work, and I don’t know what I could say to anyone to make them understand why i’m feeling all these things.
    I don’t know what to do, I can’t even cry about it. I just don’t feel like it’s registered as something that actually happened to me.

    Like

    1. RW The reason it is affecting you now is because you never dealt with it. Trying to forget that it ever happened NEVER works. And the longer it’s locked up the longer it takes to get it out and deal. So my suggestions is don’t walk but run to your nearest counselor. I always tell people you have to let it out to make room to heal. You can find a counselor at your local crisis center or go to rainn.org or even ask for a referal from a counselor at school. Let them know this is happeneing especially if it’s affecting your grades that way they know what is going on and can possibly work with you if necessary. It always comes out when you least expect it and trust me it will continue to do so until you get professional help. It’s nothing to be ashamed of in fact it’s a huge part of your recovery and you should feel proud that you can be strong enough to do whats right for you now. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

  2. Lynn,
    I was raped three weeks ago by my roommate.. he betrayed me.
    He violated me and thought it was funny. He mocked me while I was crying. I took a shower right away, I wasnt thinking. My neighborhood is notoriously bad, so when I called the police not only did they take what seemed like lightyears to get to me ( I had no car and no phone ) they didn’t believe me. My roommate had also got into my husbands head and basically told him I cheated on him and got embarassed about it. My husband savagely beat me because of this. I ran away and I havent been back since. I can’t stand to be alone with my thoughts… I take showers with the lights off, I feel like I stink and people can smell me, when I lay down at night and try to close my eyes I see my roommate and I can still smell his skin, I miss my husband but I can’t bear to look at him because I know he can’t bear to look at me, I can only get a few hours of sleep a night I don’t know who else I can talk to because Im afraid it’ll happen again that no one will believe me. I was even dropped from school because im afraid to leave my room. I got on google today, and typed in how to cope with rape. Your page was the first page I saw in the results. What you wrote gave me hope that I can deal with this, and maybe even be able to forgive my husband for reacting how he did. I know this article is old and you probably wont see this, but it’s good that there are people like you here for women like me. God bless

    Like

    1. NM. I’m glad I could help you and I’m so sorry this has happened. Not sure where you are now but do you have a womens shelter you could go toor a local crisis hot line that can give you a place to go for battered women. I would also talk to a school guidance counselor to help you based on your circumstances. I would NOT go back to your husband anytime soon. Try to find a local crisis hotline and let them know exactly what is going on but don’t go back there. I’m scared for you because if you reported the guy and they didn’t believe you makes me think he can get away with this again and that is that last thing you need. So hopefully you have a friend to stay with and if not find a womens shelter via a hotline, the cops a church anything. Then next thing I want you to do is get counseling and then take a self defense class. If you call rainn.org they can help you with counseling close to you and sometimes there is free counseling at the crisis center. Also, just wondering if you can move home with any family or friends. If the school is giving you a hard time too then move back with someone you can trust and try and start over going forward. But I would not get around your husband withour a stun gun, can or pepper spray a friend or something. Obviosuly that is meant for the roommate too. Always stay away from him and just be extrememly careful about your husband. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

  3. I don’t really know what to say here. I guess just tell my story?

    To start off, I was raped when I was 15 by who I considered to by my boyfriend while another guy watched. I had a hard time with that. I had known the guy who watched for about five years because he was always around my older sister. I never thought he was a bad guy and I certainly didn’t think he would stand by and let me get hurt, he called me his little sister for christ sake. But, I dealt with that to the best of my abilities. It was the hardest thing I had ever gone through, up until about a month ago. I’m 20 now and was raped a second time. I blame myself because it had already happened, I should’ve known better than to go to any parties, even while with friends. I can’t sleep because of the nightmares and the flashbacks are constant. I live in the dorms at a university and I can’t even lay down in bed unless the door is closed and locked. And when I lock the door I have the urge to continually get up and recheck the lock. There is so much that I can’t do that I used to.. It’s safe to say that the reason I am on this site is because I have no where else to turn. I don’t want to go through this anymore and I honestly don’t know what to do to make this bearable. I need help.

    Like

    1. K. first thing you need to do is truly believe that it wasn’t your fault. Stop blaming yourself. Just because you went to a party with friends doesn’t mean you deserved to be raped. Otherwise you are basically believing that everyone out there that goes to parties is asking for rape and we both know that isn’t true. So give yourself a break and stop blaming yourself. The first time you were young and naive and didn’t realize this could happen when it did. Then you went to a party, that nor does anything else justify rape. So forgive yourself for going to the party, drinking whatever because YOU didn’t deserve for this to happen to you. You did nothing wrong other than trust people. Don’t let this define you because it doesn’t, the only person it defines is the person that did this to you as a rapist. That is your first very important step. The second MANDATORY part of healing is get into professional counseling. The longer you wait the more it will permeate every aspect of your life. The sooner you get into counseling the better you will be. It isn’t easy and it takes a bit BUT it isn’t as hard as what you’ve been through OR what you will go through if you don’t! And I PROMISE it is worth it. Another thing is get a stun gun to carry with you everywhere and I recommend taking a self defense class too. This will not only help with your sense of security but your self confidence. And it’s fun. Stay strong! and take care of yourself because YOU ARE WORTH IT! Lynn

      Like

  4. Hi Lynn First off thank you for this support and all that you do to help people. I was raped 12 years ago when i was 23, like you I believe I was drugged but possibly it was too much alcohol. I was out with friends and towards the end of the night I became separated from them, I do not remember leaving the place and have few memories of the rape. I know for a fact though that it was not conceptual. Towards the end I woke up to a strange man on top of me hitting me over an over because I kept passing out, he tried to choke me and finally at some point I managed to get out of the car and I ran like crazy. I don’t know if he followed me and I was completely naked, I banged on someones door til they let me in at which point I passed out again. When I woke up I was in an ambulance. It was the most horrific experience of my life afterwards I went to several counselling center all of which tried to medicate me. I don’t even like to take advil so declined all of them. I know that what happened that night is not my fault, yet I cannot forget what happened. Other than my family I have distanced myself from the people who knew about the rape. I felt as though they were more worried about how they felt and I did not appreciate it when they talked about it to their loved ones. It felt like a violation of my privacy and eventually just stopped all communication with them. I would say that I am happy now, having dealt with being raped through various things like exercise, focusing on my kids and going back to college to get my degree, I want to be a physical therapist. The hardest thing for me however is not having anyone to talk to about it, I feel like people wouldn’t understand. For the most part it doesn’t affect my daily life but a part of me knows that I need to talk to someone I just don’t know who or how?

    Like

    1. D. Well I’m so glad I could offer a little guidance and help to you. I’m also glad that you recognize thatyou need to talk and let it out. I always tell people the more you let out the more room you have to heal. Talking with family and friends that don’t understand can be hard and from my own personal experience I found they though it best not to talk about it all so as not to resurface any bad memories or because they didn’t want to hurt because they loved me so much. This is the absolute worst thing to do, to act like it never happened and to not want to talk about it when I needed to. My suggestion to you is two fold. #1) Find a counselor that can’t prescribe drugs (there are many – preferably a woman). #2) Look into group counseling, you will find ways to cope that have worked for others and you will build lifelong friends. Friends that have been there and understand exactly what you are going through. Everyone I know that said absolutely not but finally tried it has always said “I wished I would have done this earlier”. Because the only people that can truly relate is a survivor or professionals trained on the emotions that we go through and why. So just don’t give up because when you are ready to get this out and it finally does it is like a boulder being lifted off your shoulder. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

    1. S. The only way I can help is if you leave a post and I respond. If you don’t want me to show your post I wont, just let me know. Lynn

      Like

  5. I GOT RAPE SATURDAY BY MY KIDS FATHER IM NOT FEELING I BEEN FEELING LIKE I GOT TO THROW UP EVERY WHERE CAN SOMEONE PLZ HELP ME WITH THIS SITUATION.

    Like

    1. M.A. You need to first make sure you are safe. Get some pepper spray or a stun gun and keep it with you at all times. If you have any bruises, scratches, any other evidence take pictures. If you have any evidence like DNA also don’t wash it put it in a brown paper bag. Whether or not you choose to turn him in keep this evidence because god forbid he does it again you might change your mind. I need you to understand that rape is about control and if you don’t turn him in he will feel like he is in control of you and might very possibly try it again because he feels like he can get away with it. Which is why I say protect yourself with pepper spray or a stun gun. I would be a great idea to take self defense classes too but I want you to have immediate protection and the classes will take a little while. I would also call your local crisis center to see how they can help you as well as get you counseling. You are gonna need the counseling and know how to help yourself going forward since he is the father of your kids. But whatever you do don’t do nothing because that gets you no where. You are going to go through many emotions which will be amplified because again he is your childrens father so please get the proper help you need to learn how to cope through counseling. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

  6. I was date raped two nights ago. I was molested as a child, so I knew the drill. I didn’t want to deal with another violent rape in my life, so I decided if words didn’t work, I wasn’t going to fight. Stupid, I guess, but I am terrified I couldn’t mentally deal with the trauma.

    But I’m not sure I can mentally deal with this trauma, either.

    I don’t know what I’m going to do. I feel drained of everything that matters. It has taken me 20 years to build some sense of security in my life and he just ripped it all away. Ripped everything I had built into shreds, like all that time and work meant nothing.

    I tell myself I am strong enough to deal with this. I tell myself I’ve done this before, I can do it again. I tell myself that it wasn’t my fault, I said no, and that should have MEANT SOMETHING. But then I think of how stupid I was to have put myself in that situation. I know the rape itself wasn’t my fault, but I feel like everything else I did was just STUPID.

    And it was. There is no denying it. But I didn’t deserve to be raped. And if it had been a good person, no matter how stupid my actions in trusting him were, it never would have happened. My choices were stupid, and I won’t ever make them again. But I wasn’t the one who did something wrong. I’m the one who trusted the wrong person.

    Can I get back up and move on from this? I believe I can, yes. Will it happen as fast as I want it to? Hell no! But I thank you for this great article. Maybe it’ll help. The years of therapy and the extensive logical training I have will also help. And so will my support network. I truly have some good friends now. And I have family…if I can ever tell them what happened. I’m not sure if I can deal with that situation.

    The worst part is my fear. He said some pretty scary things while we were on our date, like he had been following me and stuff, and I feel a little afraid he may show up at my work tomorrow. I don’t know if I can deal with that.

    He terrifies me.

    Hopefully it will all end well. I placed a record of it at the sheriff’s department. But I didn’t pursue prosecution. It would never hold up in court, and I knew that. So did the officers there. They kept apologizing, but there was no way it would go through.

    I knew that. They knew that. There’s a difference between legally right and morally right, after all. There’s also a difference between PROVING something and SAYING something.

    But I’m so scared of this guy. I don’t know. It’s like I feel he’s going to hurt me somehow. One of my friends is just as worried as I am, but the other seems to think it sounds like he may have just said that stuff to try and “woo” me. Maybe he did. I really, really hope so.

    Because if he’s as obsessed with me as he sounds, I don’t think this will end well.

    Like

    1. K. You sound like a very strong woman and I’m so glad you went to the police so at least they have a record. Hopefully you also told them that you are scared and the things he said. If you see him again and think he is following/stalking you at least you can go to the police and ask that they talk to him. I would also change my phone #. Have you thought about self defense classes, they will really help with your sense of security and confidence moving forward. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

  7. I was raped not too long ago by a family member.. I’m younger than 13 and don’t know how to deal with it.. I thought of suicide and cutting but I guess I’m too scared to do those things. I cry myself to sleep, I thought I could trust that person, for she / he is part of my family.. I’m too scared to tell anyone about it, because I don’t want to be judged. I’m living with that person person which causes more stress. To see that person EVERY day. It makes me mad.. I ignored that person for a month and they wondered why and even asked me like they didn’t know what they did. Ugh For some reason I feel like its completely my fault Even though it isn’t
    They are my guardian so idk what to do.. I don’t want to get the police involved either

    Like

    1. K.So sorry for the delay but you have to tell someone, the longer you wait the less credible it will be. Even worse if you don’t tell they are going to think they can do it again. Rape is about control and when they get away with it, meaning you don’t tell anyone and they don’t have to deal with what they did then they still feel in control and it will most likely happen again at some point. Especially if they are acting ignorant to the fact like they don’t know why you are upset. So PLEASE tell someone. I wished you would go to the police but if you can’t go to someone that you trust completely that can help protect you. I’m very worried for your well being if you live with this person. Can you tell a teacher at school? If you have a teacher you trust and like go to them and ask for their help. The sooner the better, you won’t be judged because you did nothing wrong. All you did was trust this person. So please tell someone as soon as you can. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

  8. I was rapped by my ex for a 1 1/2 ears before her went to jail for sleeping with a 14 year old. I have a little girl from him. My now husband adopted my daughter and we have a son together. I have tried to move on but every so often I get reminded of my ex. For example; I work with a guy with the same name, same build, same town. How can Move passed this? How can I get over what happened? It is making the relationship with my husband and I really hard.

    Like

    1. T.B. It sounds like you never rec’d counseling and that is what you need. If you did then it sounds like you need to go back and do some more. When people don’t get counseling it affects so many different aspects of your life that you never thought about. I always tell people the longer you wait the longer it takes because of the ways it affects you along the way. The sooner the better because you will be prepared for when things pop up later in life. So for you and your family go get the counseling you need, I promise it is well worth it. Stay strong, Lynn

      Like

  9. On my 19th birthday I was drinking with a friend. I was in my freshman year of college and had drank before on weekends when I would go out. I never threw up before this occurrence and had never blacked out either, but both of those happened to me. The next day I woke up in the hospital with a BAC of .31… but I only remember drinking like three drinks worth until 1:00. Long story short, around 4 am, I guess I had passed out and he couldn’t revive me. He called my friends and they came and I had been in and out of consciousness and around 5 am they called an ambulance. I just thought I somehow drank too much and it was a random fluke, but my mom wanted me to get a rape kit done or to see if he roofied me. I thought it was crazy and I told my friend “my mom wanted me to get a sexual assault exam done but thats dumb because he wouldn’t have sex with me when I was like that.” she goes “what? when we got there, he said that you guys had been having sex and you started like shaking and throwing up then and he called us.” i called him and he confirmed that we did have sex, but taht I was awake and I was willing.The whole thing scares me because I had only slept with one person before and I was in a serious relationship with him. I don’t have one night stands or have sex with someone just because we’ve been dating a few weeks. Anyway, since it was hours later that I ended up getting the assault kit done, it wasn’t very accurate. Afterwards, I ended up having to talk to a detective (who wanted me to charge the guy- but I just kept thinking there must have been some mistake, and I must have just blacked out, but he didn’t rape me with intent) but during that process I ended up finding out so many things he had lied about and thinking “this is a movie” it doesn’t happen in real life… he had a girlfriend when he was seeing me and told me a fake last name and said he didn’t have a facebook so I wouldn’t find him. He just kept feeding me lies ‘explaining’ himself on all different levels and I realized he’s a pathological liar. He was trying to convince me and manipulate me into thinking he had serious feelings for me so I wouldn’t charge him. Anyway, since then I’ve been on and off with how I was dealing. I lost the three of my friends who had come to get me that night becuase apparently the shock of what happened and how ‘gross’ I was like coughing and throwing up blood they couldn’t deal with ti emotionally or physically. Basically I was up at college alone aside for a couple of people and I felt drained. He quickly replaced me with this girl and I don’t know how to get over that. There’s been like weeks in a row where I don’t think of him but then there are weeks when I wonder why I’m alive. Recently a boy I know who plays D1 lacrosse died in a car accident and I wonder why I’m here, why I survived that, if I should really be alive if I’m nothing special. I’m just easily manipulated and it’s just really hard to deal with. But these last few weeks I literally can’t stop looking at his twitter and my ex friends stuff and seeing how happy they are, how good their life is and i wonder when I’m the one who had this happen to her, when I’m hurt, why am I the only one who is dealing with the reprecussions. I ended up deciding I didn’t want to go through with charges because I feel like I would feel more guilty about ruining his life when maybe he didn’t even do it on purpose. but what am I supposed to believe? Also, even if I wanted to, the DA’s office said that I had a lack of evidence in the case and they’d have trouble proving it. But I’m the one hurt and sad and the boy who did this is walking free with his new girlfriend (whom I’m honestly terrified for) and my friends are all happy and carefree. It brings me to your #1 thing “It’s not your fault” how am I supposed to think that way when I feel like I’m the only one being punished. I must have done something to have this happen to me, and why can’t I forgive myself for trusting him? I came close to getting in another relationship but started shaking when he got too close, and lately, I feel like I’m pushing the friends I have left away. I’ve become like a shell and I hate myself. I’m jumpy, and I feel like I’m making a big deal out of this. It’s almost been six months since it happened, but he still sometimes makes me cry. I just don’t know what to do with myself anymore and don’t know how to live a life that’s worth living. I know I didn’t die that night, part of me wonders why but part of me knows it’s because I have life left to live. But I don’t understand why everyone seems to be happy except me. What do you suggest I do? I know I can’t just ‘get over it’ that’s what people have said to me before, but how do I stop compulsively thinking about him? and blaming myself first and foremost. thanks for your advice.

    Like

    1. C. First and foremost you need to realize that this guy fully intended on raping you and he knew exactly what he was doing which is why he lied about his last name and no facebook. this obviously wasn’t his first time. I’m glad you went to the police because even if they don’t have enough to prove they do have it on record and I just hope he knows that. I hope they contacted him to scare him. So take pride in the fact that you did the right thing. I like to believe in Karma myself. I personally have seen when Karma happens and I’m happy that I had nothing to do with it. The reason I’m telling you this is because believing in Karma gave me the capability of waling away and letting go. I knew they would get theirs and I have to walk away in order to live my life going forward. Rape is about control and you took back that control when you went to the police. Now you need to take more control back by not letting him or what he did dictate your emotions. Every time it ruins your day or you cry or check his tweet he is still in control of you. He doesn’t deserve another minute, so put him in your past and take control of your future. That starts with counseling and you really need someone to understand and be on your side. Someone you can open up to that can help you with all these feelings, and that is a counselor. It’s not easy but it sure is a lot easier than what you’ve been through. So get in counseling as quick as you can and don’t give up, because if you do you are giving up on your future and that means he is still in control. I know that is not what you want. Another thing is you are thinking how this is affecting your life right now BUT without the right counseling this will continue to affect you adversely in your future with relationships, your children, friends, everything. So the sooner you get counseling the quicker your healing process and taking back FULL control of your life. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

  10. I’m 14 years old. I was molested by my moms friend. Since that I’m really different. I cry myself to sleep every night. I don’t have my moms support, but ii have my mama’s at school (my teachers). Well December 22, 2012 I was molested by my mom’s friend like I said. And I try to kill myself. I have hurt myself physically. I starved myself. I just can’t anymore with all this sadness i want all my pain to end. I feel like I’m dying little by little. I don’t know what happiness is anymore. I just can’t with all this pain.

    Like

    1. N. I’m so sorry that you do not have your mothers support but I am glad that you have your teachers. You need to get counseling and I bet your teachers could help find you the counseling you need. I sure hope your Mom isn’t still seeing him but if he is still around do you have any other family member you can tell that can possibly help you get away from him. If he isn’t around anymore that is great but if he is do you have an aunt or uncle or cousin or any family maybe even friends that you can stay with that can give you the support you need and keep you safe? If you don’t have anyone and he is still around I want you to call your local crisis center and let them know what happened and that you still feel endangered and see if they can help. If he isn’t around and your teachers can’t help you get counseling then call the crisis center and ask them for counseling. One of these avenues should work. But first and most importantly I need you to be safe. Then I need you to get counseling. Especially if you’ve tried to hurt yourself the state should be able to get you counseling also (IF you were treated by a medical professional). Just know that your life is WAY MORE IMPORTANT than for you to give up and if you don’t try and get better or hurt yourself then he wins. He doesn’t deserve to win, so please take care of yourself because YOU ARE WORTH IT. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

  11. I’m 15 years old, i was molested about 10 years ago. just last year i really began to watch this certain tv show and then i began remembering some things. over the years i did began to remember some things but ill push them back. and now i really feel it. at first i was all sad and distant from others i really thought that i could get over it. i went to my mother and she just talked and i felt as though everything i said she had to judge not just listen.but now she thinks im over the whole thing but truly deep down inside i feel some type of way but i really dont know what i feel or what to feel. lately i have been keeping it to myself. i really do not know what to do!!!! i just want part of my life back that was stolen.

    Like

    1. A. The person you need to be speaking to is a counselor. Ask your mom and if she doesn’t help maybe go to a counselor at school and let them know your mom won’t help. You don’t necessarily have to tell your mom this. Also if you have a local crisis center you can call them and they can definitely steer you in the right direction for help. Being a minor you typically don’t have to pay but start with your mom first so maybe she will take you more seriously. Have you asked her if she knows anything about what might have happened? If not you should, she might be trying to protect you from knowing but it is your right to know. However, whatever you find out or remember you need to realize that you MUST get counseling to learn how to deal with it. You are not going to be able to do it by yourself. Whatever happened don’t be ashammed because it doesn’t define you! Be strong enough to ask for the professional help you need. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

  12. I was raped At the age of 7 by my step-dad. At the age of 9 I was molested by another step-dad. At the age of 13 I was raped by a classmate.. And just a week later I was raped by my blood father for 3 years. I was blamed for all these. Supposedly in there sick mind I seduced them. Provoked them. I was “wanting it”. My father said that he did it for my own good. So I didn’t have to “hook up” with other guys and I wouldn’t get pregnant or STD’s. of course what they did wasn’t ok and they are now paying the consequences of raping me..But it doesn’t keep it from hurting. It doesn’t stop it from hurting me. And affecting the way I see LOVE. SEX. FUTURE. MEN. and a lot of other things. The way I was forced and beaten up. The words that came out of them were so cold. It has affected the way I see myself. The way I think others see me. The way I see the future. As if my whole life had been cursed with misery and unhappiness. I am 17 tomorrow is my 18th birthday. I feel like crap. And at the same time I feel fortunate to be alive and out of all those situations. But that’s only during the day. When night comes I feel trapped and I have found that one of my coping skills is to take long walks and to have people with whom I feel safe to stay. I don’t know what good the future holds for me. I hope that someone can help me see a better and positive future hope. I am already dealing with my present. I really wish someone can help me. I feel like I am in a world that is just made up by me.

    Like

    1. K.L. I’m so very sorry this happened to you and completely understand why you feel the way you do. This happened when you were so young, vulnerable and impressionable, that of course you feel the way you do. But you don’t have to and there is help and you can get through this. Do you know what I heard in your story that might surprise you, that you are strong and resilient! I know it doesn’t feel that way but for you to go through all that makes you such a strong person. Now what I want you to do is not let this control another minute of your life because everyday that goes by and your emotions are controlled by the past means the people that did this to you are still in control and they don’t deserve another second of YOUR life! You need to get into professional counseling immediately, the minute you step through that door you are taking back control, no one else will be in control anymore. Then I want you to take self defense classes, not only will this help your confidence but also your sense of security. Some like it so much that they start karate classes. And lastly if you can and this is a personal preference, if you don’t already have a cat or dog, get one. I know this sounds crazy but the type of bond you get and they are there for you all the time with unconditional love, will truly help your state of mind 24/7. And if you can rescue one they will love you like no other animal. So get into counseling asap and get back control of your life because YOU ARE WORTHY & DESERVE a good life! And being in control of your emotions and future are where it all starts! Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

  13. Well, Rape. It’s a scary word that I never really tried to think applied to me, but today I have come to realize that it does. I really don’t know how to feel about it, and I’ve never had anyone I could talk to about it. I was little probably in 2nd or 3rd grade. I believe it might have been a family member I was too afraid to open my eyes, so I pretended to sleep and I waited for the footsteps to go away. It was one of the most scariest things that has ever happened to me. Right now, I’m embarrassed, because before I came on here I was talking to one of my friends, and I told him about it, and he quit texting me back. I’m at the point in my life, when I need someone to talk to and that would understand me and it’s not easy because both of my parents passed away before my second grade year. None of my friends, obviously, can take it & I feel too awkward to bring it up to my family. I hate whoever did that to me. I hate that I have to carry that stuff on my shoulders everyday. It’s hard but with my faith and love in God, I can hopefully move on because it hurts but sometimes pain can be the only way to becoming stronger.

    Like

    1. H. You don’t have to be alone! There are a few things you can do for help and where people will be there for you and understand. Friends and family can sometime react differently than we hoped they would because they don’t know how to help so they prefer to act as if it didn’t happen. We wished we could too but that isn’t the way it works. They don’t realize that hurts us more. Sometimes you have that family member or friend that stands by your side no matter what and that is great when it happens BUT unless they have been through rape, it really doesn’t help the process of healing. They can be there for you as a shoulder to cry on and someone to confide in, but again it doesn’t help the healing process. You MUST get professional counseling. You can either do it privately or I also would suggest group counseling. In group you will build lifelong friendships. You are with people that understand and will be there for you. You will learn how others coped and maybe give you ideas that can help. I’m really glad to hear you haven’t lost your faith because that is one thing that really got me through. So get into counseling asap because the longer you wait the longer it takes. And you deserve a good happy life and you can have it I promise you just have to work for it, but the work is well worth it! Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

  14. I am a 50 year old women who’s first sexual experience was rape. I wanted to wait until I was married and made this very clear to this person. I was told we were going camping with a whole bunch of friends but when we got there he said that we were going to hold the spots for the others and they would be there in a couple of days. After raping me he told me I was so attractive and that he could not help himself. He also said that I felt funny inside and he did not believe that I was a virgin or I had done a lot of playing with myself. I stayed with this preditor for about a year and suffered physical, sexual, and emotional abuse. I thought I was past it. I used alcohol at times to ease the pain. I then was raped by an old boyfriend about three years ago. This time it is worse or maybe it brought back the first rape. I was angry for trusting and putting myself in a vulnerable position. I did take some action. I told the second rapist if he did not do volunteer work that applied, read books about rape and abuse, and did not talk about it with his counselor, and pay for my counseling that I would press charges. He was more than happy to do that and I received feedback from his counselor that he had done his reading and got a log of his volunteer work. I however am worse than the first rape. I do not date, I do not want to go out of the house and have panic attacks, my heart starts to race and I feel like I am having a heart attack when I think about it. He is 6’4″ and I am about 110 lbs. I have had dreams where I am clawing and grabbing the side of the bed with him on top of me saying he is going to rape me. All I say is not with my kids in the house. I am seeing a therapist and have made some progress. I no longer resent either of them and through AA I have learned to look at them as sick and pray for them. I can do that now but I still feel defined by the first rape at least because I was so young. I also was just diagnosed with Bipolar 2 which means when the rapes haunt me I get into such a deep depression that I want to commit suicide. I would not hurt my kids by doing this so during these times I pray for cancer. It eventually ends and you die. I have just taken some FMLA time off of work to get off of a medication that I believe has made the depression worse and are causing me the anxiety that keeps me from wanting to go out of the house. Anyone have any advice?

    Like

    1. P. The second rape when you referred to him as “old” boyfriend, please tell me he isn’t in your life anymore. Because he shouldn’t be having ANY type of contact with you. Let me start by saying I am NOT a doctor but I am wondering if you might have PTSD instead of bi-polar. Just a question that you can and should ask your doctor. Also I sure hope your doctor is aware of both rapes, if not let the doctor know. It just seems that your symptoms could be PTSD. Not sure if the medication is different or not so it is a good conversation to have with your doc especially if you think the meds you are currently on are making it worse. My suggestions is to remain in counseling and hopefully you are and have been as honest with them as you were me me. Another suggestion is to take self defense classes which will help with your sense of security as well as your confidence level. And lastly if you are not sleeping well I would do two things. First write out your feelings about an hour before bed. Whatever happened that day good or bad, whatever thoughts or feelings consumed you. Especially write the good things so you know what riggers you good and bad. This is mental release and the more you do it the better it works. Then do either some meditation or yoga. I personally prefer yoga because I’m not thinking and the deep breathing is so relaxing. These two things relaxes your mind body and soul. Just get a yoga DVD and every night when possible do 20 minutes right before bed. This will help you sleep better which will ultimately lower your anxiety. It’s not gonna happen overnight but again the more you do the better it gets. You can and will get through this just don’t give up because you and your future are worth it. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

  15. I don’t exactly know what to put so I will just write what happened to me.

    It was the last night of my freshman year of college and all of my friends and I wanted to go out. So we pregamed in our dorms and headed over to our friend’s house to go drink more. After that got a little boring we wanted to go somewhere else so I texted my guy friend that I met out a couple weekends ago. He was always super sweet and would invite me out all the time and everyone liked him. He seemed like a sweet, innocent kid. Not to mention he was really cute and older than me so I was kind of confused on why he kept texting me. But anyway, he invited us to this frat so me and my 3 friends went and met up with him there. We all started drinking more and he came up to me and started kissing me. I went along with it because I thought he kind of liked me and I felt the same. Then I asked where the bathroom was and he said he would show me and he ended up coming in there with me. We kept hooking up in the bathroom and he started to take my clothes off and I told him I didn’t want him to and that I don’t normally do this kind of stuff but he kept doing it anyway. Then we hear loud bangs on the door and it ended up being the police so we left and he kept asking me to go back to his apartment because it was right there and then he would walk me back to my dorm since my friends left. So I finally said I would go back to his apartment and he brought me into his room and started kissing me. Then he started taking my clothes off and I told him no and he kept doing it anyway. Then he got me naked and asked me if I wanted to have sex and I said no I don’t do this and he was like come on and I just kept saying no and then he put it in and kept going for a little bit until I was begging him to stop and on the verge of tears. He stopped after maybe 30 seconds of it and said he was sorry and walked me back to my dorm and kissed me goodnight and I ran into my friend’s room crying..

    I can’t help but feel like it’s my fault. I feel like I basically let him do it to me, even though I said no and tried to get him to stop. Now it’s all I think about. I am going to a therapist because I have anxiety and depression and my parents found out I cut myself before this even happened, so it just really makes everything worse. Especially because up until this week I would have random mental breakdowns and not be able to stop replaying it in my head. It would happen at work, when I was driving, and during my summer class. I told a few people and my therapist, but I still cannot help but feel embarrassed and like it was my fault.

    Like

    1. Km. I’m very glad to hear you are in therapy as that is the first big step to start the recovery process. Even though I know you don’t feel strong right now the fact that you went to therapy tells me you are a strong individual and I am proud of you for that. Now I need you to stop faulting yourself because there is no excuse for rape! If you never gave him consent this is rape. No is no is no! I don’t care if you were laying on the bed naked it is rape if you didn’t give consent. So stop blaming yourself because this is his fault NOT yours. Once you release the guilt and believe deep down that it wasn’t your fault the quicker you can get through this. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

  16. I’m 16 years old. I was molested right after I turn 15 by someone I trusted and looked up too. My mother knows and has been taking action on it and doing everything she can but sometimes I still don’t feel like she supports me or even cares. As I said the guy that did this someone I trusted and looked up too. I thought of him as a big brother, I’ve known him since I was 6. It has been awhile since it all happened but just recently it hit me on what’s actually going on, he is going to JAIL and isn’t going to be able to see his daughter anymore let alone give her a hug. I feel like I’m ruining someones life and if it weren’t for me telling my boyfriend that night why I didn’t like my past and why I just wanted to re-do it, none of this would’ve have happened. My mother even blamed it on me in the beginning and told me it was all my fault and that I was ruining someones life. Now i feel like I actually am..I feel it’s all my fault. I cry myself to sleep almost every night anymore and just feel like I’m worthless now, as if I’m not good enough for anyone. I’ve actually thought about breaking up with my boyfriend so he could find someone he deserves. I don’t know how to deal with this anymore, but I’m so sick of always being upset and crying but I don’t know how to fix it.

    Like

    1. MB. I know exactly how you can fix it, stop blaming yourself. You did what was morally right and you possibly saved another girls life that he probably would done it too. Let me explain rape/molestation is about control and when they get away with it, they feel still in control and will continue to do it whether or not with you. So he most likely would have done it again if you didn’t say anything and take action. HE IS THE ONE that should have been thinking about how this would have affected YOU and his child but HE DIDN’T. He has to have consequences to his actions. Just think, if you would not have prosecuted him how many others girls would he have hurt? YOU ARE A HERO and now you need to start thinking like one. You ARE WORTHY and your boyfriend SHOULD FEEL LUCKY he has you! If that doesn’t persuade you enough then think of it this way.. What if this happened to your little girl, would you want her to feel like you do? Or would you want to do the right thing for her and society? Would you want him to have consequences to his actions or just let him get away with it? We both know the answers to this so stop selling yourself short because again in my eyes and society’s YOU ARE A HERO and I’m SO PROUD of YOU!!! Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

  17. Im 25 years old I was raped when I was 14 by someone I called a friend who was a few years older than me he threatened me that he would kill me if I told anyone so I didn’t and a few months later that same guy raped my best friend n had threatened her as well she then told me what had happened and the guilt had eatin me up for years and we learned together to deal with what had happened to us and until this day we have never told anyone else.. Life moved on I had met this new guy n we got on reali well I fell pregnant to him things turned nasty he was always drinking and he came home drunk one night and raped me it was my nightmare all over again he sore on my unborn baby’s life that he would kill him if I ever told I stayed with him until my child was born out of fear but then when I put his name on the birth certificate the social services got involved and told me he was a listed sex offender that I had no idea about n he had done jail for attempted rape n sexual abuse to a number of other women he saw me as gullible and groomed me.. I am now livin alone with my son and with the same of what his father is and wat he had done to me it gets hard but I am trying to move on and make a life for me and my son.. My son is my rock n I try to show him I’m happy but I’m completely torin apart by wat keeps happening

    Like

    1. L. I need you to get counseling for you, your son and your future. This is a must! The sooner you do the quicker the healing process starts and the better your future will be. It’s not easy at first BUT it’s a lot easier than what you’ve been through and will only help everything around you. I’m so glad to hear you are away from this guy because he is scum and doesn’t deserve you or his son. I’m glad the authorities stepped in because you are right he groomed you. Hopefully you are safe and he doesn’t know how to reach you. Hopefully you have changed phone numbers. I think you should consider a self defense class for you and your sons protection also. But therapy is not an option especially after all the manipulation you have been through. You need to be able to see clearly how a happy future can and should be and take the necessary steps to get there and it all starts with counseling. That is the first big step and I know you can do it. The second step is to truly believe this wasn’t your fault, I hope you believe that. You were manipulated by a man that you had no idea could do that to that extreme and caught over your safety and your childs. anyone in your situation would have done the same because you were protecting yourself. Counseling and self defense is also protecting yourself. So get out there and do it and don’t give up because you and your son are worthy and deserving of a good happy life. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

  18. I was raped by my first cousin. Someone I grew up with and trusted very much. We used to talk and he came to our house often. Then one day he came and he hugged me in an unusual way. I asked him what was wrong. He said that he loved me. I told him that I loved him to. Then he grabbed me by my wrest hard. And I asked him to let me go. And he pulled me to him hard. And I knew that I was in trouble. I asked him to let me go. And he said but we love each other. I said you need to leave and I told him that he was hurting me. And he grabbed me up and drugged me to the bed room. And he threw me on the bed. Before I knew it he was in top of me. I found myself crying and screaming and begging him to stop. He laughed and said that he could tell that I wanted it.. I cried no to him.. And I was fighting him. But he ripped my shirt and tore my shorts and he pinned me down and rapped me.. I was scared to tell anyone cause he was my cousin . And who would believe me.. I have lived with this for 14 years.. And it has robbed my life. And I am ready to take my life back. And not let him win anymore.

    Like

    1. R. I’m glad you are ready to take your life back and that starts with counseling. The minute you walk into counseling is the minute you start to take your life back! This happens way more than you know in fact not a lot of people know this but my first cousin came on to me when I was 13 and I didn’t tell anyone either. It was confusing and I didn’t want to believe it would even cross his mind. I’m just glad you know you didn’t do anything wrong, you should have absolutely no shame and you are ready to get the help you need. As you can see by doing nothing you get nothing for help. So do something now and go get the counseling you need and take back your life that you deserve because you deserve to be happy! Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

  19. 2 years ago just 3 weeks before i was 16 i was raped. It happened by a close family friend. I was so hurt n terrified how my family would feel i kept it a secret. I severly turned to drink was drinkin all day and night arguing with my family. Im so close to all my family they kept askin was i on drugs and everything ( never done drugs in my life) but i literally couldnt say. The person who done it kept coming to my house even when i was with my boyfriend coming out with us. He kept winking and licking his lips at me i felt sick! He grabbed me and put his arm around me in front of my mother andsaid this is my future wife all i could do was try to laf to act “normal”. One night abput 6 months later it all got to much for me i attempted to commit suicide. Thank god for my mum she.came into my room found me and literally saved my life. I still cpuld not find the guys to tell them what happed. I went to a counsellor for a few.months which really helped me to talk but he always.said he thinks im hiding something. Then eventually a year .from the incident i was at a friends house watchin a show about a girl who was raped and i started crying. She told my mum and my mum asked me then i told her the.truth. It broke my heart to see.my.family upset i felt so guilty but they are all so supportive. It it wasnt for my mother i wouldnt of had the courage to have went to the authorities and be battlig for this person to be punished! Its.been a year now.since i told what happened ive been to counselling, antidepressants talking about it.to my.family but my.life is still in shambles. I dont eat.and.have made.myself ill. I very rarely sleep. I cry every dsy still. I just have a terrible feeling i wont be back to the happy go lucky lovig funcperson i was ive even cause so many arguements with my partners.who knows.and.understands evernthing im goin thru. I just wonder how do i feel happy again and be happy and kind to the ones i love again? And may i say to the creator of this page you are an inspiration and thank you for allowing me to express myself. I actually cannot say the words i was raped out loud its sounds silly but i physically cant. This has been really helpful thanks again

    Like

    1. DD. I’m so glad I could help. Can I just say how proud I am of you and your mother and family that has given you the support you need. That is very hard to come by for some so be very thankful. I think you are at a stage when you are ready to say it out loud BUT you know what I want you to say, NOT “I was raped” but instead “I’m a rape SURVIVOR”. You MUST change the way you are thinking. Thinking and admitting you are a survivor is much more positive than being a victim. I also think you need to forgive, not the guy that did this but yourself. Forgive yourself that you waited so long, forgive yourself for thinking you upset your family. YOU DIDN’T – HE DID. This is all on him NOT YOU! forgiveness is a very powerful tool and when you can do that and truly believe that this rape doesn’t define you, only him as a rapist. You aren’t the one that did anything to the family or him, HE BROUGHT THIS ALL ON HIMSELF. Stop being ashamed and feeling bad for yourself like you can’t go on because guess what? YOU CAN AND YOU HAVE! You are a lot STRONGER than you give yourself credit for and I’m so PROUD of you for that. You stood up for yourself to let him know he can’t get away with this anymore to anyone ESPECIALLY YOU. Think of it this way, God forbid this happened to your daughter the exact same thing and she acted and felt the exact same way. Wouldn’t you be proud of her for doing what she did and speaking up (it doesn’t matter how long it took, the fact is she did). Wouldn’t you want her to think everyday as a blessing and to stop being so hard on herself? Wouldn’t you be glad that she had support and tell her everyday she did the right thing? So you need to start seeing and THINKING about the positives in your life and STOP dwelling on the negatives, especially since they can’t be changed. I know you can do it because I know HOW STRONG YOU ARE. But keep up with the therapy and maybe even switch to a women if you feel this man isn’t empathizing with you or getting what you need. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

  20. When I was 14 or so my father molested me several times & eventually raped me. I tried to pretend like none it ever happened but I never realized that because of that I felt worthless to the point that I drank alcohol to numb the pain & when I didn’t have that I would cut, burn or hit myself. After a while the pain was soothing it took away my anger & sadness that I didn’t understand. When I told my mother what had happened she pretty much went about pretending I was fine. She still thinks I am. I face my father every morning with such anger and I don’t know if I can do it anymore. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive him because he told me he would never hurt me & always protect me. It doesn’t help that he has anger issues & is constantly getting angry about anything. It’s frustrating trying to stay positive around such a negative influence in my life. I’ve told my brothers as well but when they found out that father was the one who raped me they also pretend I’m fine. I just feel so alone right now & I can’t stand being in this house anymore. Nothings ever going to change as long as I’m here.

    Like

    1. Human,
      If you aren’t getting the support you need at home you need to tell someone else before you explode and who knows what will happen. Tell a teacher that you trust at school. Tell them you were terrified to tell anyone but it’s hard to live with anymore and you are self destructing. Do you have a good friends parent that you trust, go to them. Something must be done or you will self destruct. Everyday that goes by and nothing is done is another day he is still in control and that means it could possible happen again, especially if he has anger issues. Not sure if he drinks or not but it is a horrible combination if he does. I’m VERY concerned for your safety and NEED you to go to someone outside the family you trust for help. I’m not talking about another teen, I’m talking about an adult that can truly offer help to you. DON”T WAIT, do it ASAP. And don’t feel bad either because it seems no one is taking care of you so you must take care of yourself. And don’t feel like you are tearing apart a family because HE DID THIS NOT YOU. He MUST have have recourses for his actions OR HE WILL DO IT AGAIN. And when you least expect it. Just think if this was your child what you would want them to do. I know you would not act like your mom and you would want her to get the help she needs. And I know you wouldn’t expect her to do nothing and be mentally tormented day in day out, until she explodes, right? You tried asking for help with your family and they wouldn’t so you MUST go elsewhere. It’s their fault they didn’t offer support, not yours. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

  21. When I was 14 I stayed at a boy who I liked’s house, he was 17, nearly 18, and while I was asleep he held me down and started having sex with me. I woke up with him on top of me and he was really heavy and I couldnt move and I was scared. I’d told myself that it wasnt rape because at the time I had feelings for him and because I was staying in his bed it was my fault? now I am 19 and I am only just realising what has happened to me, and I made so many bad decisions sexually after that happened and I just can’t seem to deal with it. I am with the most caring and empathetic man, but I never properly explained it to him and now I dont know how to deal with it because I can’t talk to him. Does anyone else have problems with dealing with this sort of thing when they’re in a relationship that makes them happy? I feel guilty for having all of these built up feelings about it all.

    Like

    1. A. The best way to deal with your feelings is to talk to a professional therapist/counselor NOT your boyfriend. You definitely should tell him you are a rape survivor but thats all you need to say. He doesn’t know how to help you deal, and you shouldn’t expect him to. All you should expect is that he is there for you when you need to feel safe, a shoulder to cry on and be empathetic. But he can’t help you deal because he doesn’t know how and you don’t need to but that burden on him. When people don’t know how they feel bad and tend to distance themselves from you, which is not what you want. They also don’t need to know the details because it also affects them and your relationship in an adversely way. Which is why you need to talk to the counselor. But don’t feel guilty about having theses feelings built up as we all go through that. But I can promise you they only get worse without the right kind of help. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

  22. This happen yesterday night…
    I went to with a guy friend I known for a while(2yrs) we went out to the club and had drinks. We dance and had fun.. I did notice some change in his behavior, he was acting weird but me being me I didn’t pay it any mind because he is a silly person… All night we just laugh and took pictures… After ever ything was set and done we left.. I was having so much fun I didn’t want to go home .. I told him I had to use the restroom so we went uptown to his job to use the restroom.. The crazy thing is that after we got into the building we went up to the 6th floor where the restroom was located.. I had to use the men restroom which was very clean and he only had the key to the men bathroom. Now this is a office building so no one was there plus you have to have a code to enter.. After letting me in the restroom he persist ahe come in with me to use it also. Now it was they type of restroom that had stalls.. He came in and we both used the restroom which at this point I thought to myself what man uses the restroom with a female that is not his ladie or wife… We both used the restroom rand left nothing happen.. After stayed in the building, just talking laughing, reminiscing and having fun about life. That is when he made his move and forcefully kissing me and touching me I told him to stop in which he did. I told him to take me home so we left.. After we left he start talking about getting a hotel room but I told him no just take me home.. At this point all the fun went out the window and red flags popped up( it should have early on). So instead of listen to my request he took me to the beach parking lot where everything unfolded and that is when he forced himself upon me. He raped me and all I did was cry……… Start back to the friendship, we always went out drinking together even got drunk together not once he made any moves on me before..Met his friends, family, know where he live and work..We even discussed how we was not attractive towards eachother sexually nor romantically We a pretty good understand where we stood(or at least I thought). This all started after I came back from a job I had traveling and broke up with my boyfriend.. I told my mom its like she knew what happen without me given details. She also told me to go to the police.. I am still shock, confused and hurt by this. I also told him do not contact me… My main point is my gut was telling me the whole night something wasn’t’ right. but I ignore my gift that God gave to women… Although it happened I’m staying positive with my thoughts as much as possible. Plus I been doing a lot of research about rape and how to get through it..First thing in the morning I going to the clinic… I know not to blame myself for his behavior…

    Like

    1. L. Sorry for the delay in getting back to you… I hope you did go to the clinic however 2 days later might not show enough evidence. Have you washed your clothes because don’t if you haven’t as they can get dna from those. Not sure if you are reporting but if you do put your clothes in a brown paper bag, seal it and give to police, even if it is just one item. Also take pictures of any bruising, scratches etc. Even if you don’t report him now you may want to especially if he starts harassing you. Here is the issue, if you don’t go to the police and he knows all this stuff about you like you do him then he may think he can get away with it again. Rape is about control, and when they get away with it they are still in control and can and do sometimes do it again, whether or not it is with you. So get a new phone number, get a stun gun and stay as far away from him as possible. If he knows your employer make sure they know to keep an eye out for him as he is NOT welcome there. I would even take a self defense class if I were you. You also need to get counseling and since this is so fresh the quicker you get into it the quicker you will start to heal. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

  23. ** what I meant to say was my mom ask me what happen and before I said anything its like she knew everything without me saying a word… It’s like she been there herself.

    Like

  24. I was raped 3 years ago by somebody that I thought loved me. I was out with my friends at the age of 15, we were drinking a bit and having a normal night when this boy I liked came over and was talking, flirting and giving it more drink. He kept giving me more and more. I cannot remember what happened but I woke up in the back of a car and he was on top of me. I immediately screamed and pushed and said get off me but nothing worked. I felt so dirty and horrible after. I couldn’t bare telling my mother but I told my antis who is a counsellor so I’m getting help to this day. I still get nightmares about it. At the time I was covered in bruises and cuts. I added to them myself and even tried to kill myself. It was the hardest thing of my life and still think it was my fault it happened.

    Like

    1. DDMR. I don’t understand if you’ve been in counseling all this time why you still think it was your fault? Is it because you were underage drinking? Because if that’s the case then that means you think every girl out there that drinks is to blame for rape… I know that isn’t what you think so stop blaming yourself for what someone else chose to do to you!!! YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME! Once you truly believe that your recovery will get a lot easier. But the blame where it belongs, on the person that did this to you! Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

  25. I was raped almost 2 years ago by an ex boyfriend who ended up just being one of my really good friends. We flirted around a lot even after we had broken up. About 3 years after we broke up is when it happened. We had done a few sexual things in those 3 years but never sex. Well the night it happened was the first time we had had sex. At first I was ok with it but about a minute in I decided I didn’t want to. I just didn’t feel right about it. So I tried to tell him no and to get up but he just kinda forced me back down and told me to shut the hell up. I kept telling him no and trying to get up but the same thing kept happening. I didn’t fight him or scream or anything. Just told him no I didn’t want to and tried to get up. I’ve had a hard time really accepting if I was raped or if I was just making too big of a deal out of it. About a month later I went to the police but they didn’t do anything really because they didnt have “enough evidence” even though I had a text of him admitting to it. I live in a small town and I think some people found out and think I’m lying because to most people he’s just a big goofy lovable guy that wouldn’t do that to anyone. Most days I am ok with the fact it happened and know its the past but I still have my bad days. I feel like I should be completely over it by now. I don’t really know what to do.

    Like

    1. J. Rape doesn’t just go away, you have to deal with it and really only a professional counselor/therapist can help you. If you have a local crisis center you can start there. Hopefully you do being that it is a small town. How about church sometimes they can offer counseling. You can say stop anytime as it is you body and he they don’t then it is rape. But counseling is going to help you in many ways other than the rape too. Because once your head is right you won’t be worrying about what others think. Because honestly, once you know it’s not your fault you just look at those people as ignorant because they don’t know what happened. And you don’t let it ruin your day. But you obviously have a lot of unresolved feelings so try to get some type of counseling. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

  26. So what happens if youre 15 now and lost your virginity to rape. What if you have a bf and after a lil had sex with him and felt nothing. I thought itd help drown out the experience but no it didnt. Its been about 7 months now and I banned sex cause it was a mistake even trying. Im suicidal, and I self harm a lot. ive actually been raped twice, while drunk. It was a year ago and I have a hard time forgeting it, I have nightmares still. I have a hard time just lying with my bf when he’s around when we sleep. Cause I know if I have a nightmare O would assume it was him. That he did it. I have a hard time with hugs from anyone. (Sometimes him, sometimes not.) Ive never told anyone what really happened and I dont plan to. I have a hard time letting ppl in to my life. Yeah Im a complete loner. I do homeschooling cause I cant handle the stress. I have a feeling if I dont deal with everything, Im not going to be apart of this world anymore. Im home alone for four days and everything just gets to me. I started cutting again within the last two weeka. I used to cut to the point, I would faint.

    Like

    1. heyhey. I’m getting the impression that you are over the hurt, nightmares, stress everything right? Well you have to help yourself or this does not go away. You MUST seek counseling. It is the only way you can get your life back that you know you want, without all this that is going on now. Counseling is private and you are not judged in anyway. So if you want to keep it all locked in and not tell a professional that can help you then you are not helping yourself. In fact you are hurting yourself, figuratively and literally. So be strong like I know you can and call your local crisis center and tell them you are a minor and need counseling and they can help direct you all anonymously. If you don’t have a local crisis center go online to rainn.org and get their number and call them and they can help direct you. But make sure you let them know you are a minor and have been raped. Please do this I promise it will help you and no matter how you get to counseling just get there and the sooner the better. Every single rape victim needs counseling to learn how to cope, it’s not just you, it’s all of us. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

  27. Im 17 years old. when i was younger probably in the 4th grade my older brother started to touch me. as we got older it escalated from touching to having sex with me. I didnt know that what we were doing was wrong. he would choke me and tell me if i ever told anyone that he would hurt me, he told me that if i told my mom then she would get hurt as well, this continued for a long time, probably until the 6th grade. I never told a soul. until July 15th 2013. my birthday. I am what you would call a closet eater. I hate when people watch me eat. but when im alone i can eat a whole bag of chips and still feel hungry. I have tried to kill myself, even wrote the letter and had the knife, pills, or engine of my car running, but i couldnt bring myself to do it because i couldnt bare to see my family go to my own funeral. i hate my life so much, my mom hates me, she calls me fat and worthless just about everyday. and i always feel like im the ugliest girl in the world. i want my innocence back, i want everything back…oh the worst part is he still lives with us, and every day of my life i have to look at him and know what he did to me. i need help, not only for me mentally but physically i hate my body and everything about myself.

    Like

    1. N. Before you turn 18 I want you to seek counseling. When you are underage you tend to get more help. And I want you to go for several reasons #1) Because of what happened to you and the situation you are currently in, #2) to help deal with your mother so you can reach a point of knowing how to talk with her because she needs to know, #3) For your own health and future. Try going to rainn.org and telling them your age and what happened and see if they can find someone near you that can offer help. Because the counselors they refer you to specialize in rape. Or go to your school counselor and they should be able to refer you to someone. You can also try your local crisis center, again tell them your age and ask for help. If you want to go to your mom and ask her to help get you into counseling too, that is up to you but I personally think if you started getting the proper help you need that would help you address the issues with your mom and deal with your brother. I also want you to try and think about something. All that energy you are putting into eating, try and put it in finding a place to live when you turn 18. Working more, saving more and actively looking for a place to move to to get away from your brother. Look for a roommate, going to college whatever it takes but you need to be away from him and learn how to heal. Counseling will help all of this I promise. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

  28. When I was 7 years old I was hurt by one of my moms drug buyers . I was at my house alone because my mon left me so I was looking for clothes to take to my grandmas house. Well I heard a knock at the door and little silly me I went and answered he said he was looking for my mom and once I told him she wasn’t there he said good and barged in. I’m not going to go into detail how it happened but he hurt me. And now I’m 17 and still angry about it. I’ve tried talking to counselors and adults but no one truly understands no one has felt what I felt. And not to mention I was hurt in some ways by my step brother and cousin. It’s so hard to fake a smile everyday. I’ve resulted to cutting myself and crying myself to sleep. Everyone expects me to be happy and strong all the time but I can’t. I’m hurting. I just really need some advice. I don’t want something that happened to me years ago to still effect my life the way it’s effecting me. I don’t want to cut. I just want to be happy

    Like

    1. SO. Don’t give up on the counseling because that is what it’s going to take to be happy again. My suggestion is to go to rainn.org and find a counselor near you that specializes in rape. It sounds like you’ve been through a lot and the fact that you are here looking for help means you definitely want and need it so just don’t give up. Just know that what happened to you doesn’t define you, only the people that did this to you. Unfortunately, we are the ones that have to put the effort and hard work into our recovery, but it is well worth it. You just need to find the right counselor. You are still young and have your whole life ahead of you, so please don’t give up on yourself. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

  29. I was raped by my husbands brother one night after we had few drinks and I was passed out in bed. I didn’t scream I didn’t fight I just lay there crying begging him to stop. I felt frozen .. does that mean I let him??that it was my fault? I didn’t tell anyone. I was too scared. I told my husband 2 weeks after in a fight. He blamed me cos i didn’t scream or anything. I never report his brother. Later he said he understands but now he has made up with his brother and I think he’s forgiven him. How can someone forgive something like this. Maybe he still believes it was my own fault. Was it? It breaks my heart and i feel like my dignity means nothing to him. They still meet up regurly and go out together. I banned him from taking our daughter to his brother but he still takes his son (my step son). The constant reminder of his brother keeps reminding me of what he did. I feel scared and like I’m fighting alone for my dignity. How do I live like this? How do I move on? How do I deal with the betrayal? He promised he will never bring his brother to our house or anywhere near me but today I’ve seen them talking in front of our house and i felt panic. I don’t know what to do .. Why he doesn’t protect me???

    Like

    1. T. Yeah I would have a big problem with that as well. And to answer your question NO IT WAS NOT IN ANY WAY YOUR FAULT!! Maybe you didn’t fight back but you said no over and over. And to ease your mind a lot of people freeze because they are in shock and don’t know what to do, so that is common. What is not common is your husbands actions which lead me to believe that his brother told him a different story and he believes his brother over you. This is a very difficult situation because he is has forgiven him. I personally would RUN to a counselor and ask them to help you get through the rape and your husbands actions. Your feelings are more than justified and he should be protecting you. Have you had this conversation with him? Have you let him know exactly how it makes you feel? Put the shoe on the other foot and ask him how he would feel (guys get raped too). If you have and your feelings are being disregarded I would be thinking twice about my marriage. Maybe ask him to go to counseling with you as well. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

  30. I thought I knew this man very well, when in reality I had no idea what I was in for. I had quite a bit to drink and I was enjoying myself at the club when I had decided to go home with this guy. His friend was in the car and he seemed super chill and it seemed like it was going to be a good night. We were driving down the road when his friend asked to hang out with us. Immediately the guy grabbed his best friends shirt and yanked him towards the back of the seat yelling “no you are going home”. I had never seen a man change face so fast and I could see the fear on his friends face. At that moment I knew something was off. He lived really far away and with the distance we drove, I began to grow uneasy, as if something bad was about to happen. I should have listened to that inner voice. When we arrived at his place he grabbed my arm and pulled me into the basement. He threw me down on the bed and stuck is tongue down my throat. He began to press his body hard against mine and pulled off my skirt. He leaned back and smiled as he said “I know you like it rough”. He continued to kiss me and press on my body. At this moment I knew that there was no turning back, that it would become more violent if I were to pull away. So I lay there trying to enjoy myself, when all of the sudden he said “you know I have a gun in my closet”, I looked at him straight in the face and nervously giggled. He slammed his fist in the headboard and sat up, “if you are not going to do anything I might need to pull that out”. My whole body went limp, I can’t die, I have so much to live for don’t I… People love me, don’t they? He started to get up when I felt my arms reach for my shirt, ripping it off and exposing myself. Never had I felt so small and so used.. he looked down at my body and muttered ‘much better”. He grabbed my wrists and pinned them above my head, pushing and pulling on my body. I knew this was my chance to keep things calm so I did whatever it took to make him happy. He got up and went to grab a glass of water and handed it to me. He stared at my lips as I slowly drank the water. I couldn’t finish the last sip so I handed him the glass, he smiled and said no I’ve had plenty. Chills went down my spine as I realized the worst hasn’t even come yet. My eyes began to flutter and my heartbeat began to slow, I kept willing my body, trying to energize myself and as I sat up I was staring at a poster of two naked girls making out. I thought that was the last thing that I would ever see, and then just like that I was out. The darkness made it feel like my eyes were still closed, but in truth they were wide open, staring at the arm tightly wrapped around my body. It was in that moment where the pain set in… it was as if I had been stabbed hundreds of times, the bruises on my legs were massive and my lower back was curled in pain. I had never felt so hurt in my life before, so embarrassed and so sad. Here I was naked, lying next to this crazy man and I have no idea what he did to me. Four hours, 240 minutes, 14400 seconds of my life completely gone and not a word was said. I sat up mustering my pride and slid off the bed onto the floor, my body aching as I slammed down. I throw on my underwear and clothes and he wakes up and looks up at me and smiles… “Well that was fun… I was right you like it rough”. In that moment I wanted to scream and run out into the street, but as I went to open my mouth nothing came out. I looked down at my phone and asked him to drive me home. The whole car ride he was extremely chatty and talked about future hangouts and all I could think was, this guy is crazy… He pulled up to my house and grabbed my head and kissed me. I looked at his face one last time and choked back tears. Here was this man who had just drugged me and threatened me and yet he thinks we are a couple.. I know they say don’t regret what you do, but I cant not. The worst part of it is I am strangely attached to him and I don’t understand why I couldn’t have just said f you and leave. I want someone to talk to, someone to have fun with and laugh with, so I hung on to the one person that I knew liked me. Now I sit here with feelings for the man who hurt me and I don’t understand why i do, but i really do. He said we should hang out again and part of me actually wants to do it, what is wrong with me?

    Like

    1. M. You need to understand that rape is about control, not you. This man wants and needs to control you and you unfortunately see it as some type of affection. Believe me it’s not. You MUST stay as far away from this man as possible and personally I would turn him in. Did you happen to take pictures of the bruising? I hope you did, you can tell them that he threatened your life. If he gets to you again he will know you have given him control and I promise you it will get worse and worse everytime. He could even take you hostage, you never know. One thing I do know is this is a very sick man and he is doing his best to control you. You need to recognize the severity in this situation because I don’t think that is what you want. You want love and respect in a relationship and this guy isn’t gonna give you either. So turn that confusion around and know that you are worthy of love and respect and don’t settle for anything else. I would change my phone number buy a stun gun, get some pepper spray, whatever it takes to be safe. Because if you are still talking to him after what he did he will be back for more and it will be worse. I would also get into counseling immediately to also help you sort through your feelings and the rape. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

  31. Listen to what Lynn says when she says to get help and counseling. I lost my virginity to rape by a guy I had dated a couple of times. That was 22 years ago. I and the members of my family who found out practically ignored that it happened. I have 22 years of self-doubt, self-loathing, and piss poor decisions to show for it. But yesterday was a new day as is today so I’ve decided to help myself to heal from something that’s been buried for a long time. Please get help and heal yourself.

    Like

  32. Ok so at the age of six I was raped by a teenage girl. I don’t know but I feel it’s different with male rape victims, the feelings of guilt and shame are there but there was also some screwed up perception of love. After at least four months abuse I began to feel worthless when it suddenly stoped. This in turn brought up insecurities and endless nights of sobbing. Still feel like this is an unresolved issue.age 18

    Like

    1. Guy, Actually you’d be surprised about the common feelings between girls & guys as rape victims especially at such an early age where you are extremely vulnerable and impressionable. They take total advantage of that and it’s very unfortunate. Of course I understand the feelings of insecurities and it is common so don’t think you are alone because you are not. the most important advice I can give you is to seek professional counseling. You and no rape victim has ANY reason to feel ashamed because you did not do anything wrong. This is something that happened to you and does not define you. This happened at the age of 6 and now you are 18 and have not been able to overcome this, which shows that without professional counseling it will stay with you like your shadow. We are not wired mentally on how to deal with such a horrible act BUT professional counselors are and they can give you the best help and the most hope to a happy future. So please for yourself and your future happiness get counseling. You deserve it and hasn’t this taken enough of your life away from you? Take back your life and get control, through counseling. You given enough, you deserve a beautiful life! Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

    1. TEB. I hope you’ve read through the website as there are a lot of ideas to try to help you. The most important thing is you have to be ready to help yourself. And that starts with taking small steps everyday that turn into big steps to try and heal. But its not gonna happen as quick as it should without professional counseling. Things on my website can help day to day in between counseling but the sooner you get counseling the quicker you will heal, I promise. You are worthy of a good happy life so take the necessary steps in getting there. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

  33. Hello I was raped for years by my step father once my mother was in the same bed became pregnant by him my mother made me get rid of it at age 13..I never got help for it and I hid and tend to have forgotten them times I am now 40 years old but I lived my life self hating myself and causing pain and hurt to the people who have been caring and loving. .I am now divorce due to my actions. . however I would like to rebuild my relationship with my X but I nred him to understand the self hate I built and all the years of blaming myself that I believe I worth the love he gave and I seeked the disrespect from others thinking that is what my life is meant to be like what my step father treated me with..is there any group sessions for families dealing with rape ..please help

    Like

    1. M. I’m proud of you that you are ready to get the help you need and recognize the damage it has caused in your life. I just wished you could have seen it before all this devastation happened to you. But the good news is you know now and yes there are groups available but you just have to look for them in your local areas. If you have a local crisis center start there. You can also go to rainn.org and ask them if they no of any in your area, they offer Nationwide assistance. You can also ask around your local Churches. Whatever you do don’t give up because this has already taken enough of your life, don’t let it take anymore. You deserve a good life and your rape does not define you. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

  34. A little over a year ago, I posted my story (14 year old girl raped by classmate) and I guess I want to give you a bit of an update. The police interrogated my rapist and asked him if he did it. He claimed that he and I hooked up in a classroom and that I probably got a pregnancy scare. They left it at that and let him go (note that in the town I live in, the police is nothing more than a joke because they are horrible). School was hell for me (everybody called me a liar and my exboyfriend went around the school calling me a slut, thus adding fuel to the fire) so I left my school and became homeschooled. For quite a few months, I was lonely. I started cutting and I quit talking to my parents. None of my friends went to look for me and I attempted suicide 3 times. Around January, I got a friend request on facebook from a classmate of mine. He and I had broadcasting class together. We were good friends. I accepted it and he immediately sent me a message asking for my number because he wanted to talk to me and know my side of the story. I gave him my mom’s number. I didn’t trust him. We started texting each other and eventually he came over to my house. I was desperate to see a new face. When he came over, he was so nice. He played games with my little sister (age 5) and introduced himself to my parents. He brought his GameCube and we started playing videogames. He came over a few more times before he asked me out. It took a few months to warm up to him enough to start hugging him back when he hugs me. He was very patient with me. He still is. He and I have been together for 9 months now 🙂

    Like

    1. K. I’m glad to hear you are happy and thanks for the update. My only caution to you would be that you don’t want your happiness to depend on a man. You need to find happiness from within whether or not he is in your life. By all means I understand why and how he is making you happy because he is building trust back that you never thought you could have and that is wonderful. Just make sure that you take this happiness and apply it to all aspects of your life, not just him. It is gradual and sometimes hard to recognize but YOU are growing past this with the help of him and I think that is awesome. He sounds like an amazing guy to hear you out and not judge you, he is a keeper! Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

  35. I have been with my girlfriend for 6 months now and have never been so in love with anyone else. We are both in our later 20s and I know she feels the same way about me. A few months into the relationship we talked about recreational drugs and she said she was never interested in trying anything besides alcohol because of an incident of being drugged when she was younger. The night it happened she went out with new friends. She said one of the girls the next day was mad at her because she kissed the girl’s boyfriend that night. My girlfriend said all she remembered was dancing and then she woke up the next day in the hospital after having her stomach pumped. The people she was with had dropped her off at her parent’s house passed out. I asked her if she had been raped. She could see the worried look in my face and told me no. I didn’t ask anything else.
    A few months went by and I didn’t think about any of it. We just enjoyed being in love, spending time together, including having great sex. Then a few nights ago we started talking about our pasts again and our high school experiences. Then the night she was drugged came up again…she revealed it happened to her when she was 15 and still a virgin. She had just started at a new high school, which was known to be better academically. She wanted to fit in with the ‘cool kids’ and party with them so she went out with a big group of guys and girls (she lived in a country where there is no ban on alcohol for minors). They went to a bar and she said she remembered seeing one of the guys with a pill and then she was dancing and then blacked out.
    The following week everyone heard about it at her school and thought she was just drunk and willingly had sex with multiple guys. She said it was something that happened and she decided to forget about it and move on. She never hung out with the guys or girls in the group again. She said she had learned the hard way. I have always gotten sick and angry at the thought of rape and date rape and even more so gang rape. I know this happened to her over 10 years ago and she doesn’t even remember it happening but I feel the rage other spouses have talked about here and the sickness in my stomach like I’m going to throw up. I find myself fantasying about finding these guys (who were just teenagers at the time) and seeking revenge.
    I don’t know how many guys it was but I start visioning the worst, like they took her to other places for more guys and so on. Also her brother, who went to the same school, never spoke up for her after it happened, and then I start thinking about how I want to say to him, “that isn’t right, you should have been there for her.” Already I find myself wanting to put the guilt or blame on someone and I know this isn’t right.
    I appreciate this message board because I know we are not alone and people have to deal with this. My girlfriend is one of the strongest women I’ve met. I recently made a call to see a counselor. This is something I don’t want to share with friends or family or bring up to my girlfriend again. Writing this out is the first step. Thank you.

    Like

    1. JJ. I understand how you feel and glad you are turning to counseling. The most important part though is NOT bringing it up to her again because it was hard for her to get to a happy place and now that she is in it you don’t need to take her back there. The past can not be changed and she is moving forward, please don’t go backward! Stay strong, Lynn

      Like

  36. OMG …. can someone please help me i dont know what to do i was raped in may on my brothers birthday of all days and im so depressed ii cant leave my house i feel like no one understands all i can do is cry …. i havent been able to work ( im a dancer) and im so far behind im about to loose everything but i dont know how to explain im so depressed i can hardly stand it…. i see his face everywhere and i have nightmares i just want to feel better i havent told my fam i can only imagine how they would feel…. i miss how i was before and now i cant even answer the phone or work … i feel like theres so much i cant do now

    Like

    1. C. I’m glad you are reaching out to me because it means you are ready for help. That is the first step to be ready for help. You said this has been going on since May and it is still controlling your life. That is what rape is about control, not you. Everyday that this adversely effects you is another day this person is in control of you. The best way to get control over your life back is to seek professional counseling. It’s not easy but it is better than living everyday like you are now. This person doesn’t deserve another minute of control over your life. If you have health insurance try and get into a counselor or if not call your local crisis center and they should be able to recommend someone locally that can help you. Or you can go to rainn.org and look for a counselor near you. Just remember the past can’t be changed but you are in charge of your future. So you can take the baby steps to work on what you want your future to be and I know that is not letting this person control it. Again, I can tell you are ready for help now so go get it. Remember that this rape doesn’t define you, only the person that did this to you! Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

  37. I was raped by my boyfriend 3 years ago, looking it up it seems to be submissive rape, but I never told anyone except my doctor and iv only recently started telling people, iv been so terrified of physical contact for 3 years. Once I finally told someone it started to get better, but Iv recently started having feelings for someone, but Im completely terrified and my emotions are out of control and I don’t know how to handle it.
    Can anyone help me?

    Like

    1. RL. First try to stop being terrified. This person has obviously proved trust worthy in some way so be guarded but go with the flow (always protected and I mean physically not sexually). Be safe but give this person a chance IF you’ve taken the time to know him. Then IF the time comes where you think it might get sexual is when you must take this next step. You must tell him you are a rape survivor. Do NOT go into details just say it’s part of your healing is that you need to have a strong relationship to move forward. The reason you should always tell them before sex is because one of two things will happen. You will either figure out they are in it for sex or you will determine if they really like you for a relationship. This proves the person is in it for the long haul or for the reasons you don’t need right now, which is sex. You need someone you can trust, makes you feel safe and that you know isn’t judging you. Plus once it’s out in the air you will feel such relief. Because you have nothing to feel bad about!! I always recommend professional counseling as well, it truly helps. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

  38. I Don`t understand why I accept the fact that my “boyfriend” at the time had raped me. Why was I OK with it? I feel like I deserve and I feel like I put myself in that situation so therefore I cannot be mad at him, but I hate him. I am constantly asking myself why I accepted it and why I thought it was OK.

    Like

    1. A G. The reason is because he was your boyfriend and you trusted him. There is nothing wrong with that so please don’t think you deserved it because you didn’t. And this doesn’t define you, only him that he is a rapist. I hope you are far away from him now and have a safety plan if there is any chance that you might run into him again. This is such a common rape because people in a relationship, the one that rapes thinks they are “entitled” because you are together. And it’s your word against theirs because again, you are together. But know this, rape is about control and if you aren’t going to anyone for help or reporting him and he is still around then it is highly likely it could happen again. So if that is the case have a safety plan, whether just a way to get out or someone to call or getting pepper spray or something. Then see if you have a local crisis center that you can contact to get some counseling so you can move forward and out of the past. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

  39. I was raped when I was 14. Now at the age of 18, I was finally able to tell my parents what had happened. I tried to hide it at first and not tell anyone anything. I’m pretty sure I was in denial of what happened too. Every now and then when I sleep I relive it and it absolutely sucks. I figured telling them and trying not to live with feeling guilty would help. My dad has been most supportive. Even tho we don’t talk about it much I know he’s there to support me. My mom (although she has good intentions) isn’t much help. She constantly questions me about whether or not i’m “sure it really happened”, and that she’s upset I didn’t tell her sooner, and she is constantly asking me if I want to see a therapist. She wants details too. She asks “did he really have intercourse?” “did you bleed?” she wants to know EVERYTHING and I don’t want to remember ANYTHING.vHonestly, I don’t like talking about it much and I’m wondering if not talking about it is good? When I talk about it I get really emotional and start to rethink what had happened and from what I have found not talking/thinking about it is best. My mother seems to have other plans and questions me at any moment possible. I constantly tell her I don’t want to talk about it and that’s when she questions if it “really happened”. Since telling my parents, I feel a little more stressed out than before and hope I can see the light at the end of the tunnel soon…

    Like

    1. K. I can totally understand why you prefer not to talk about it and try and forget it but unfortunately burying it deep inside doesn’t mean it won’t come out. The longer you bury the worse it tends to come out typically when you least expect it. But I agree with you that your mother tormenting you on the details isn’t helping. Your mother isn’t the one to talk to about details, unless of course you are extremely close and you personally feel comfortable and want to talk to her. I agree that you told your parents but as far as the details, that belongs between you and your counselor. So my advice hopefully will help two fold. First, I 100% agree you should seek counseling and the sooner the better. Second, let your mother know you will get counseling if you two have an agreement no more questions and that you would appreciate her support. And part of that support is no more questions. This is a win win situation for you. Good luck and Stay Strong! Lynn

      Like

  40. I was almost raped by the man I loved for 2 years when we broke up and shared our last words.as I ended it with him he was not ready to end it with me sexually ..so he attempted to rape me forcing me to kiss him he’s a lot stronger then me ..and he tried to push my face to his privates.. I had to literally fight him off and to let go of my wrist..even though he didn’t completely rape me I feel stupid for that day and not thinking about my safety.. I feel like I should of made a better choice when ending the relationship but I didn’t know he would react this way ..I can’t let this night go! help!

    Like

    1. E. I know it must be a horrible feeling that someone you cared about could betray you like that but you MUST stop beating yourself up. All you did was trust this guy and there is nothing wrong with that. What I need you to do to try and help you deal is think positively instead of thinking what might have happened, concentrate on what didn’t. Seriously it works. It may not happen overnight but every time the thought pops in your head, take a deep breath as in relief and think of what didn’t. Personally the minute it sunk in that I was alive and could have dead was the day I turned into a survivor and it is what turned my life around. I also always recommend counseling too. Whatever you do make sure you are safe from this guy going forward. Get a stun gun, take a self defense class, change your number, make a safety plan if you feel you are in danger. Hopefully he won’t come around anymore but it’s better to be safe than sorry. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

  41. A few days ago I was raped by my best friend. We are both in a psychology phd program and because of our common interests and sense of humor (and because to be quite honest graduate school is stressful and lonely) we quickly became good friends.
    Last year, other members of my cohort told me that they thought he liked me. I didn’t think much of it until about 3 months ago he asked me out. I said no because he was like a brother to me (and I didn’t see him in “that” way, he’s my best friend). He graciously brushed it off and I thought we could be just friends.
    Last Friday night, I went out drinking with him; it was the last weekend before the semester started so we both thought celebrating we’ve made it this far and enjoying the last bit of free time we have by drinking was appropriate. We went to a bar and I met some of his friends. I had two beers and 2 ciders and because I had not drank in months and the fact that I had much to eat, I easily became drunk and blacked out before I finished my first cider. I don’t even remember ordering the second one, but according to him I chugged right before “I initated it.”
    I remember three things from Friday night: I remember taking my keys from him as we got out of my car (he drove) in front of my apartment, seeing him on top of me and feeling a lot of pain, and then waking up curled up in fetal position wearing my bath robe which I don’t remember putting it on.
    I woke up and was hung over the entire day. He left that morning without saying much but talked about what he was going to do that day. I drove him home and couldn’t move as he kissed me and said I hope you regret this. I was hurting and bled for 2 days after the incident; I found my bedsheet with a streak of brownish red substance that I can only infer was blood. I felt so disgusting I cleaned everything and threw away that smelled remotely of the incident.
    When I saw him and asked him what happened he told me that I initiated it and therefore was not taken advantage of. He said he was a little tipsy and didn’t realize how drunk I was. He said I told him I missed him and that I didn’t want to go all the way, and then right after changed my mind and he obliged.
    I don’t know who I can talk to about this. I feel like I can’t tell anyone of my friends about it because they know who he is and I’m afraid they will tell a professor or someone else within the program. I don’t want to see him but I don’t want people to know what happened, I feel so disgusted with myself for not having stopped drinking when I felt slightly buzzed. And I don’t want people to feel sorry for me, but I just can’t stop thinking about the whole thing. I really want to tell some of my friends but I don’t want people to choose sides, however, our psych program is very small and everyone knows everyone else’s business. I see him almost every day. He is 3 of my courses and I don’t know what to say to him but I need help I just don’t know where to go. This semester we are both beginning our therapy practicum but I feel like I need support and I don’t know if I can trust my other cohort members to not say anything to our department chair. I just need someone I am friends with to talk about it. Who can I tell? I’m afraid they will make me report it or judge me.

    Like

    1. GL Don’t go to mutual friends, go to your school counselor or a private counselor immediately. I don’t know why you don’t want to report him but that is your choice. But you need to go to someone that can actually help, which is a professional. If you do tell your friends and they don’t believe you or choose his side that just adds more anguish on your part and now you start to worry more about them and what they think than taking care of yourself. Let me expalin the situation you are putting yourself in by NOT going to the school and/or counselor. Rape is about control NOT you, therefore when you let him get away with it and he is someone you will continue to see, then he knows he is still in control and it can possible happen again. People often say if it happened once how can it happen again with the same person. Well that’s exactly why because the rapist knows they are in control of the situation, have gotten away with it once therefore they pretty much think they can get away with it again. Another thing if it was consensual like he said there would NOT have been blood. This guy knows exactly what he was doing and whether or not it’s you again it will be someone else. Leads me to wonder if that is what he is taking these classes for too. So please believe me and trust me when I say #1) get professional help immediately #2) take a self defense class as soon as possible and #3) get a stun gun. I would also consider if you aren’t going to report him transferring, just whatever you do to get away from him. It’s too bad you threw away the evidence, I understand why but it would have been good to keep just in case you change your mind. Also, I can guarantee this isn’t the first time he has done this and without him taking consequences it won’t be the last, I just hope not with you. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

  42. Can anyone help me I feel so alone, I have just got the courage to break up with my boyfriend after a one year abusive relationship where I was raped and assaulted on many different occasion by him. I have always blamed myself for not wanting to do anything with him as I am only 15 for why he did this to me but now its finally over I keep goin over the events in my head and its killing me. Its making me depressed and constantly wanting to hurt myself for letting this happen to me. I cant talk to anyone and as he works for my family I have to see him everyday and it’s killing me, I don’t know how much more I can take I just want it to go away and pretend it never happened

    Like

    1. CL, I sincerely apologize for not getting back sooner I have had some family issues I have been dealing with. My first priority is your safety and the fact that you have to see him on a daily basis really scares me. I’m not sure why you don’t want to tell your family but I really think you should or at the very least one person that you know you can trust that can help you with this situation. I would also ask this person to help you get a stun gun or pepper spray, since I think you need to be 18 to purchase. Maybe consider taking some self defense classes too. BUT the reason you need to tell someone and preferably whatever family member he is working for is because you can not be subject to him on a daily basis. Let me explain to you that rape is about control and the only reason he continued to do this to you for so long is because you didn’t tell anyone and he knew he had control over you. When the rapist feels they are in control it most likely happens again. So you have to take control back over your life and that is by letting someone know that can help. You also MUST get into counseling and by telling your family they can help you get that counseling. And you SHOULD ASK for it. That in itself makes helps your point to them that this in fact has happened to you and you need professional help. If you don’t get counseling this is going to affect you in so many different ways now and in your future relationship. Unfortunately it never “goes away” the only way we make it a better future for ourselves is if we learn how to deal with it, and that is through counseling and opening up. The more you let out via talking, counseling, crying the more room you have to heal. You can’t keep it locked up and try and forget. You can read through my entire website that I’ve been doing for years and won’t find any person that has been able to “pretend it never happened” or forget. So take back control of your life and get the help you need because he is not worthy of another second of your future. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

  43. I was just raped. I feel horrible. The only thing I keep thinking about is I have to take a morning after pill. Part of me wants to just keep this to myself. I don’t want to tell my fiance. I don’t want to go to the police, even though I know I should. I feel like I should of done something different. After all the Lifetime movies I watched, I should of known better. I feel dirty. I feel low. I feel like I’ve betrayed the love of my life. And as in sitting here writing this, I’m thinking that I shouldn’t have cleaned myself off. That means I just got rid of the evidence. I’m so stupid. Nobody will believe me now. I need help.

    Like

    1. A. I’m sooo sorry for the delay. I just became a grandmother and I concentrating on my grandson and daughter and my website has suffered. I understand how you feel BUT you will not start to feel better or help yourself until you loose the guilt. No one expects to get raped no matter how many shows they’ve seen on it. And no one deserves to be raped no matter how it happened. There is NO excuse for rape, NONE! So your first step is to do your best to get rid of the guilt. this does not define you, only the person that did this to you as a rapist! The next step is to get into counseling immediately. If you haven’t told your fiance the counseling can help you determine how you can do this and how to handle however he reacts to it. If you have told him, hopefully he supported you but either way you must get the counseling for you and once you can get your head straight then you can determine the best way to deal with other things. If it was someone you know make sure you have a plan to stay as far away as possible from this person because if you don’t report it then they feel like they gotta way with it. One thing I would NOT do is NOT tell anyone, you must find someone you trust that you know they can keep complete confidence and be there for you 24/7. But also counseling is a MUST and the sooner the better because the longer you wait the longer it takes to heal and everyday that goes by without counseling your rape will adversely affect you on a daily basis. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

  44. Hi I have been raped a num of times & now I have seen 3 shrinks the 1 I am seein now is healin me the most she is a carin & understanding lady I have started to trust her more than any other shrink I was seein. I want to go in there & tell her bout me bein raped but she keeps talking & talking I have now tryed to open up to her 4 weeks how am I am meet to go in there & say look I need to tell u sumthin & I need to tell u rite now?

    Like

    1. A. When you walk in right from the get go tell her exactly what you told me. “Before we start I need to tell you something and have been wanting to for several visits. If you could please listen because it’s hard for me to say and I really need you to listen to what I have to say so you can help me.” Also let her know how much you appreciate her and feel she can help you but she has to listen to you in order to help with your specific needs. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

  45. I have not gone to police bout me being raped but my shrink said she will come wif to the police I was raped a num of times 4 a num of yrs I think if I open up to my shrink 1st then I will go to the police I have been I just want them to pay instead of me all the time I use to take drugs to block it all out but I don’t anymore bit I have started to drink more the I use 2 coz of the nitemares I wake up in a sweat & i really don’t wanna go back 2 sleep I am now 26 yrs old the 1st time it happened I was only 8 yrs old & it stopped when I was 20 its hard coz my bf died & my shrink thinks im dealin wif his death.

    Like

  46. It’s been about 3 years now. When I was 18, on November 11, 2011, I was, sexually assaulted, not by 1, but several men in a room. Fast forward, I am now 21 and I still can’t stop thinking about what happen to me that night. I’ve learned to push it in the back of my mind when the memories come up, but in order to do that, I have to think about the worse things in the world I could think of in order to stop thinking about that night. The f’d up part about that is, the worse thing to me is something so graphic and disturbing, I wouldn’t dare share with y’all about what I think about to stop thinking about that night. Moving on, 2 days after the 11th, I got the main person to admit what he did to me. I still have the messages on my Facebook, I never was able to erase them, he told me that all he could say was, “sorry.” Around the beginning of December 2013, I don’t know what impulse gave me to look up his name on google, and when I did, I discovered something that haunts me till this day. He was all over the news, 2 girls accused him and someone else of raping them the same way he did me. He took the girls to a party in Kyle, and they were over served alcohol, and they passed out and woke up to the 2 men assaulting them. I felt so guilty thinking, “if I had reported him, maybe this wouldn’t have happened to them, it’s partly my fault.” I felt disgusted when I found out from an old mutual friend, that he had gotten out jail because there was not enough evidence. I’m not sure how to take this. He lives 15 minutes away from me. I’m not sure what to think about this anymore. I hate that this is a nightmare that won’t seem to go away and I don’t think there’s anything I could do to get justice.

    Like

    1. S. First and most importantly none of this is your fault! NONE! However IF you want to do something now you can take what you have on fb and go tell them you saw the story of the other girls and this is the evidence you have of what he did to you. I’m pretty sure they would reopen the other girls cases and start one on you too. But first and foremost since he lives close to you, you need to have a safety plan in place for yourself. Take a self defense class, get a stun gun but make sure the police know you are fearful as well. Whether or not you decide to do that you still need to get counseling. Pushing it in the back of your head just keeps it there until it wants to rear its ugly head again. The longer you keep it in the more it will be detrimental to your life in all aspects of your future. The more you let out via counseling, crying, talking the more room you have to heal. Unfortunately it doesn’t go away, you can’t sweep it under the rug and you can’t forget about it. The only way to make your future a positive one is to deal with it. I personally think taking your proof to the police and letting them know you saw what happened to those girls and letting them know it gave you the strength to come forward, would help your healing process tremendously. As well as help getting him off the streets. I would also consider going to the other girls attorney and showing them your proof and asking them to help you. It won’t be easy BUT it is easier than what you went through. You just need to have to the mindset that this doesn’t define you, only him as a rapist and that it’s time to be strong, stand up for yourself and take your life back. Because everyday that goes by that your rape runs your emotions, that means he is still in control of you and he doesn’t deserve another minute!!! Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: