You are not alone…..

If you’re feeling lost and looking for some inspiration or would like to talk with someone that will not pass judgment on you, please feel free to contact me by leaving a comment at the end of this post. Posts are kept anonymous. Definitely take a minute to check out all the content. Is your rape controlling you? Well this website is to help YOU GET BACK IN CONTROL. It is to offer anonymous, encouraging ideas which can hopefully help rape survivors deal with their emotions, which is a necessary process in order to start the healing process. I thought as a survivor, with a year of personal counseling under my belt, and currently a rape counselor (my purpose in life now) why not share what I’ve learned with those in need. I know as a survivor the variety of mixed emotions, that can seem almost impossible to deal with at times, that affect you in your everyday life. As a counselor for 5 years I’ve also been exposed to a lot of different situations and types of rape. Please know you are not alone and you don’t have to be!.

763 thoughts on “You are not alone…..”

  1. hi im 24 years old..ive been raped 8 years ago..and it just feels like it happened a year ago… im an arab and a muslim….my parents dont know about what happened to me…cant tell! he was in my school..i used to like him..thats why i cant tell bcuz no one would beleive me! they wont beleive i ddnt have a clue back then that something can be inserted into a girl’s vagina…i also didnt know what a sperm is!! Anyways..after he raped me i told him i will tell so he started playing games with my mind that i’ve done this by my willing and he strated telling everyone in the school about it..
    luckily my parents or family havent heard anything until now…. i really had very harsh,sad,lost,angry from my self and from everyone, messed up and confused years!!my self confident is ZERO! it still hurts!!!! i mean how much time is it gonna take for me to heal and just to move on with my life…
    now i have boyfriend we’ve been together for 2 years…i love him but im not happy with him!i feel like im less from everyone!like i deserve to be unhappy because finally someone has accepeted me and my past!! i have no friends and no one to talk to!!i keep avoiding everyone and the funny part i have to force my self to keep smiling and pretend to be happy infront of my family!! whats driving me crazy is that i have no clue what my future would be like because of this devil!!!it just keeps hurting me because it would feel a hell less painful incase i gave it to him!!!but he stole it!he stole my life and i cant do ANYTHING about it!!i havent hurt anyone in my entire life!!but now i feel like im hurt from everyone!!i dont know if it has to do with what happened!! i see all the girls and my sisters moving on with their lives and im still where ive been 8 years ago…my life is such a waste!!!i dont know to where it will end!!!im so depressed…i just keep crying the whole time…anything that reminds me of that day i stay in shock and hold my tears until i go to bed finally so i could cry!i just feel like a sick person…i dont know why im writing all of this…i dont know what im expecting…i guess nothing!

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    1. ID. I’m so sorry you are going through this and not sure if you can get counseling or even have it available but that is what you need. Every person the endures rape needs counseling because we are not put on this earth wired to know how to deal with it. Rape is only second to murder as the most horrific thing that can happen to a person and the help we need is from a trained professional like a counselor or therapist. That is what gets us out of our past and focusing on our future like you desire. If it is not available at least review the “Steps in the healing process” on the website to see if that can help you at all. But try to see if there is some type of counseling available to you, I sure hope there is. The one thing I do know is that rape is about control not you and obviously that is exactly what this person wanted via his actions. Everyday that goes by that this is still controlling your life, he is still in control. Keep in mind the past can not be changed BUT YOU have control over your future. So try your best to take the energy that is holding you back and apply it to what you do have control over (your future). Because he has had it for the past 8 years and doesn’t deserve to be in control another day. So look forward not backward and take back control of your future. It will take baby steps but as long as you are moving forward, even a little, it will be one step forward instead on backward. And one step that you have control and he doesn’t. Stay strong! Lynn

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  2. I was raped at age 5 by my mothers boyfriend. He told me if I said a word he would kill my mother. After this I was raped again by my step mother’s brother I always asked myself why me what did I do to deserve this. I’ve always had so much anger,gilt,and being ashamed of what happen to me. Just yesterday I received a letter from my brother from jail. In this letter he tells me how he was raped by the same person I lost it all the anger just came out like a volcano I want to help him I just don’t know how someone please help he is self destruction himself now I understand why he would cut himself the drug abuse and everything else

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    1. J.L. The best thing both of you can do is get professional counseling. And not sure if you want to do this but since it happened to both of you, you could consider turning the person in to the police. It might help with closer for both of you. But whether or not you do that you both MUST get counseling and it could be a bonding experience for you both as well. Stay strong! Lynn

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  3. I just turned 19 in July. I was raped last week on the 19th by 3 men in ski masks walking home from a friend’s house. They beat me and choked me and took turns raping me but when they left me on the side of the road, I was still able to get up and walk home since it was only two blocks away at that point. I didn’t think there was enough evidence to put them away and I was was in shock and for some reason felt like going to the police was a bad idea and for a week my boyfriend was the only one that knew.

    3 days ago I caved into my boyfriend’s asking me to go get help and my mom took me in to file a police report. I gave them as much information as I could, and they sent me to the hospital to get checked out.

    There is literally NO evidence of the crime other than my word and even that is shit. If you put the same three men in front me I wouldn’t be able to say with 100% certainty that they are the guilty ones so I fear that unless they repeat their crimes as serial rapists then there’s no way they’ll get caught =(

    My boyfriend has been as supportive as he can be and I’m trying my best to keep my head up, but I’ve been struggling with suicidal thoughts and apparently an eating disorder. It’s not that I don’t want to eat, because believe me, I love food, I’m not even a little bit worried about getting fat, and I feel my hunger all the time. I simply have ZERO appetite. My favorite foods now appear nauseating and I can barely stomach enough to be considered healthy. Though what I have been eating has been very nutritional.

    As for the suicidal thoughts, I should specify that I have no intentions of killing myself.

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    1. A. These are normal and understandable feelings, even though I know they don’t feel normal. I’m surprised that no one has suggested the obvious which is therapy. You need to get professional counseling. I’m glad your boyfriend is supporting you but that is all he can do is be there as a shoulder to cry on or to make you feel safe. Only a counselor/therapist can truly help you overcome this. The fact that you are writing here means you know you internally need the help. It isn’t easy but is definitely isn’t as hard as what you’ve already been through. The positive side is you are looking for help so quickly after it happened because the longer you wait to get professional help the longer it takes to heal. So call your local crisis center or go through your parents health insurance or go to rainn.org and find the nearest counselor that can help you. This is going to help with your relationship with your boyfriend too because the people that love you that don’t know what to do feel helpless and it puts a strain on the relationship. But when they know you are in counseling getting the help they can’t give you seem to be there for you more in a way that they know how. So be proud of yourself for being ready for the help so quickly and trying to get back control of your life. Stay strong! Lynn

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  4. I go for days not even thinking about it. Then suddenly thoughts will start to creep into my mind. It is as if a tape player is in my head, and that night keeps getting replayed over and over again. I can’t fast forward; I can’t hit play.

    One night this summer I was at a friend’s house for a party. My friends and I drank a lot, and I didn’t know very many people at this party. I remember early on in the night, a guy came up to me. He was short, but he was very built. He was wearing a muscle shirt and a bandana around his forehead. He kept asking me if I wanted to go upstairs with him. I kept saying no, for I had just ended things with my boyfriend. For some odd reason, he wouldn’t give up. I continued to try to shut him down. He started asking questions. “Why not?” He told me my boyfriend didn’t matter and that I was beautiful. I remember that I kept saying no.

    The next thing I remember, I was in my friend’s basement, lying on a cement floor, naked. He was on top of me. It was dark. His weight pinned me down; he had complete control. I was scared and vulnerable, and I didn’t know what to do. I should have fought. I should have resisted, but instead I just lied there, unable to move. Next he flipped me on my side, and started hitting my upper thigh as hard as he could. He kept asking me if I liked it. When I didn’t respond, he stopped. I heard the basement door open and saw two of my friends coming down. The guy on top of me stopped moving, and crushed me with his weight, trying to cover my bare body. They didn’t see us, and they went back upstairs. At this point I said, “Let me go upstairs.” He situated his body between my clothing and me, so if I tried to get past him, he could easily grab a hold of me. I should have fought harder, but I didn’t. I was scared.

    Finally after an hour of being in the basement, his friends came down and told him that he had to go. Without saying anything, he stood up, put his pants back on, and went upstairs. I walked up 2 minutes after him and he was gone. My white pants were stained with dust. The vertebras barely had any skin left on them. I had bruises on my back and legs. Later I even had to lie about the bruises when my mom saw them.

    I still feel guilty for what happened. If I didn’t get that drunk, he wouldn’t have been able to take advantage of me. I shouldn’t have been drinking anyways. I should have fought. I should have left. But I didn’t. I didn’t do any of those things. Sometimes I do feel so alone, because I can’t talk to anyone. I sit in the shower and let the water run down my back. I feel so hurt and angry. I wish I could tell my three older sisters, but I don’t even know how.

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    1. CW. You need to tell someone and I think starting with your sisters is a good start. You need support and you need counseling. Your first step is to NOT feel guilty because this wasn’t your fault. I don’t care what you did, nothing excuses the act of rape. So please stop blaming yourself. And a lot of people don’t fight back because they too are scared. So you didn’t do anything wrong. It is your body and mind going into safety mode because you are scared and don’t know what is going to happen and you don’t want to make it worse. a person that is capable of raping is capable of doing worse things so stop feeling guilty because you didn’t fight back. You did what you had to do at the time to not make it worse. This isn’t going to get better over time if you don’t get the professional counseling you need and the support you need. Also, try and make sure that you stay as far away from him as possible and I’d even take a self defense class if I was you. But you really need to tell someone, preferably someone that can help you and will be there for you. Don’t be ashamed because you did nothing wrong! Stay strong! Lynn

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  5. I was raped and emotionally abused 3 years ago now while I was working abroad. After it happened I stopped working and got out of there as soon as I could and I only told one person, a close friend. Straight after that I started university and was so busy trying to live life being young, going out with friends, travelling etc but although I have dealt with it well (so I thought) it has always been on the back of my mind, haunting me. There is a lot to what happened back then and I have been so busy with my life that I have put it off. However, now I am more settled and not rushing with life I am living with 3 of my best friends and they are all in relationships. I see how happy they are spending time with their boyfriend and it makes me cry at night. I have been able to talk to guys and kiss guys just on one offs in a club etc but any time I get close to being more than that with a guy I become terrified and run a million miles. Im so scared of becoming close to someone and I dont know why. I so desperately want to be happy like I see my friends are but I just need some help in getting there. I can’t talk to anyone I know. Theres so many relationships that I could have been involved in in the past but I just push them away and when im out I often get aggressive towards men. I feel so alone and feel like no one will ever be able to be with me or love me. GLx

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    1. GLX. The reason you are feeling this was is because you haven’t coped with it, you’ve only pushed it aside. Until you cope through counseling these feelings won’t go away. Rape is like a shadow that you can’t run from therefore you have to turn and face it head on. Until you do it will always be there. So step #1 is getting counseling where you will learn that in any relationship you have you must tell them that you are a rape survivor. You do not need to tell them the details, it is not recommended to do that (that is what the counselor is for) only that you are a rape survivor and that you will need them to be patient with you. This is going to weed out the bad and show you who is mentally and physically ready and deserving of being with you. One you find that person that is willing to stand next to you and be your rock, all those walls will fall down. And you must do this BEFORE you ever have sex with them. Again, some might leave and that’s ok because they aren’t in it for the right reasons. But the one that stays is and you will feel so comfortable and open and ready, trust me. And when they know you are in counseling they won’t feel the pressure of not knowing how to help. It not only will make you look like you are taking the right steps towards your future but you will be getting back the control of your life that you have lost. Stay strong! Lynn

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  6. I’m sixteen. In august of this year I was raped by my ex boyfriend. I suffered from depression for years before I knew him but it got worse when I was with him. He would say things to make me feel worthless and then tell me he loved me. I believed him and felt no one else would ever love me. One night he ask me to go to his dads house (he lived with his father) but it was one in the morning. I didn’t want to but I did. I walked 40 minutes to his house in the dark but I was to stupid to turn around and go home. When I got there he took me over to the couch and unzipped my jacket. He always liked to mess with my body but he knew I was abstinate. He pulled off his clothes and my shorts. He just looked at me and aasked if he could. As soon as I said no he pulled my legs apart and covered my mouth. He put all his weight on me so I couldn’t move. I should have screamed but I didn’t I just l sat there and did nothing. After a hour I did what ever he said. When he was finished he gave me my clothes and to me to go home. I cried and prayed to forget it happened the whole way home.

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    1. L. Let me explain something about rape to you. Rape is about control not you and that is exactly what this guy is doing to you, controlling you. The fact that he raped you doesn’t define you, it only defines him as a controlling rapist. So you need to get the strength to stay as far away from him as possible and I would even consider turning him in (up to you). But what is not up to you is that you MUST stay away. Because if you don’t and you haven’t turned him in then he will see that as a green light to do it again, because he is in control of you. The best thing you can do is take back control of your own life. You already know he isn’t good for you so you must act on it by changing your phone number, get some pepper spray, take a self defense class. If you don’t take back control of your life by leaving him far behind you and never looking back it will only haunt you more. Don’t ever look or speak to him ever again. In fact if I could I would move but sometimes I understand that is not possible. You also need to try and seek professional counseling, not only to help you through your rape but to help build your self confidence that he took from you to make sure you never let anyone else do this to you. Remember this doesn’t define you, you were just a very vulnerable and stuck in his trap. Now you are out so look forward not back and help yourself so this never happens again. Stay strong! Lynn

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  7. I am 19. My first instance of rape was when I was eight years old. My dad is bipolar schizophrenic. Everyone I’ve ever told tells me that because he’s sick I shouldn’t blame him for what he did. Is that true? It makes me wonder.

    But for the longest time he would hurt me. Beat me, force me to give him blow-job’s in the shower, break bones and bruise me, etc. It started when I was three and then when I turned six it stopped for a while.

    But one night, when my mom was at work with my younger sister (she’s five years younger than me), he came into the bathroom while I was taking a bath. I remember him sitting on the toilet just…staring at me. Up and down. I asked him if he was sick because he looked like… I don’t know, like he had a fever in his eyes. When he shook his head and stood up I knew in my heart I was going to be hurt. It becomes instinctual after a while. The last thing I remember before I woke up was him saying it will only hurt a little bit and a sick crunching noise.

    When I woke up I was naked in my bed, all alone. My head hurt, but more importantly my stomach hurt. Especially down there. I knew what he had done was wrong and I cried back then. I think what hurt me most was cleaning up afterwards and he came into the bathroom and kissed my head and told me he loved. It still sickens me to this day that he could do something like that to a child.

    Fast forward nine, almost ten years later. It was my senior year of high school. I was in and out of an abusive relationship with my ex-boyfriend. I had called it quits for the time being after he had choked me during a new year’s eve party, blaming the alcohol he’d drank. I had recently moved and texted one of my guy friends down the street if he would mind helping me unpack. That’s where I made my mistake.

    He came over and helped me unpack for a bit. My little sister was home, as this was a teacher-work day. We were upstairs, my sis was downstairs. He began to come onto me. I told him no repeatedly, apologizing and saying I just didn’t want to get into anything with anyone at that moment.

    That’s when he pulled out the knife. He pinned me against the wall, putting it to my throat. He told me…if I didn’t have sex with him he’d slit my throat and then go downstairs, rape my little sister, and kill her. Then he’d wait for my mom to come home, rape her, and kill her. I was scared. I was beyond scared, I was terrified and enraged and disgusted all at the same time. How could I have let myself be so vulnerable?

    I let him do what he wanted. That included fisting me, using a bottle, contorting me into all different positions, and taking video of it. I’d only been with one guy at this point so it was extremely painful. When he was finally done I asked him politely if he would leave. He said he would, but if I told anyone he would come back with a gun and kill my family. I told him I wouldn’t tell.

    I found out that he was sharing the video with all of his friends, telling them how awesome I was in bed. I became the school slut my final year of high school.

    I don’t know how to deal with this anymore. This was my second time of being raped, but I’ve been beaten up and had videos taken of me (as a child) of being touched inappropriately after being drugged. I don’t know how much more I can take. I’ve spoken with psychologists and psychiatrists and the only thing they can really tell me is to try to move on. My mom tells me to just “deal with it” because I “brought it on myself.” It kills me inside because when she was sixteen she was raped. I figured if she had made it that long then maybe she could help me.

    I feel so alone and reading everyone else’s stories makes me feel ashamed because mine seems not as important or brutal. Did I bring this on myself? Will I ever find a gentleman who won’t hurt me like I have been? I’m dreading life now because I don’t know whether or not it will truly get better. This is all I’ve ever known.

    I wonder…will it be all I ever know?

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    1. MM. NO you did not bring this on yourself. No child brings this on because they do know. Nor did you bring this on as a teenager because you were protecting your family. Your mother obviously didn’t get help because she doesn’t know the proper way to help you, in fact she is hurting you so I suggest NOT talking to her about this anymore. In fact honestly if I was you, I would get a job, save as much money as I could and start over somewhere else fresh. I’m not saying don’t talk to your mom at all, just not about the rape. But all the people around you seem to be making it worse. It may take some time but it depends on how bad you want it. AND I am NOT saying that you should run from the problem because you still need to deal with it. But you need to be around people that either support you or friends that don’t judge you. If you don’t have them you need to find new ones. I also think since you have tried psychologists & psychiatrists that you should maybe look into group counseling. There you will make bonds that will last a lifetime. There you will find helpful things that works for others. There you will discover you aren’t alone and ways to cope. I also think whether you move or not you should go to rainn.org and find the nearest rape counselor to you and don’t give up on counseling. Yes you do need to try and move forward and leave the past behind, but you need the help to finds ways to do that. But it will be baby steps just don’t give up. And yes you will find a man that will treat you right just make sure you don’t turn to any man that is giving you attention. I’m not saying you are I’m just saying make sure you don’t. When you think you’ve found the person make sure BEFORE sex that you tell them you are a rape survivor. DO NOT go into details even if he asks, just let him know that you are dealing with it through counseling but you need to let him know. this will separate the man that is truly involved with you and the one that can’t or doesn’t want to handle it. You need to know if they are in it for the right reasons BEFORE you have sex with them. Always have a safety plan too, a can of pepper spray, a baseball bat and a way out of where you are now or will be living later. I even recommend especially in your situation, taking self defense classes. For right now I would concentrate on you and your healing and not worry about a guy because you need to get your head straight before you can be in a healthy relationship. And when you are least expecting it, it will come. Just focus on you right now because you are worthy of a happy life, more worthy than most after what you have been through. Just remember that what happened to you doesn’t define you. What does define you is your strength to be where you are today. Don’t look at it as weak, because it isn’t, YOU ARE STRONG! Stay strong! Lynn

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  8. a month and 2 weeks ago, i was raped by my boy bestfriend. i have known him for 5 years and we have been bestfriends throughout those 5 years. He was always someone i could turn to when i needed help, or was confused, or when i needed a friend. He was a shoulder to cry on. I was currently living in a hostel, and after work one night he text me and asked me if i would stay down his house, because he had just split with his girlfriend of 4 years, and of which he also has a baby with, so he was also going through a bad time aswell. At this point, i wasn’t bothered about staying at his house, because he was just a friend, and we always knew that we would never be more than friends! So he picked me up from the hostel, and we went to his house, we stayed awake for a few hours talking to his mam, and then we decided we were going to bed. As we go upstairs he told me that we had to stay in the same bed, which also didn’t bother me. So i agreed, and we went to sleep. Then early hours in the morning, i woke up to feel him pushing himself inside me. I didn’t move or breath, and i let the tears flow down my face, i pretended i was still sleeping.I was too frightened to do anything or say anything, an d i could barely breath. Once he had finished, he pulled my underwear and bottoms back up, got out of bed, and went for a cigarette. Then he came back to bed, and did it again, this time, he became more rough, and he started to hurt me, but i stayed as i was and still pretended to be asleep! i was so frightened. Once he had finished, he pulled my underwear and bottoms back up again, and went to sleep, at this point i had had enough, and wanted to get out of there! so i pretended to wake up, and fumbled on the floor for my phone, and slyly put it in my pocket! i went to the toilet, and tryed texting my mum, who lived up the street to see if she was awake! but i had no reply, so i thought of an excuse. I went back into the bedroom and told him that i had came on my period, and that i needed to go to my mums, so he said that he would walk me up there. As we got to my mums street he asked if i had slept well, so at this i was thinking you sick and twisted pervert, but i said yes and asked him if i woke him when i went to the toilet, and he said that he woke up to the sound of the toilet flushing, so i asked him why he couldn’t sleep and he replied that he had too much on his mind. we got to my mums and i was banging on the door hoping and praying that someone would answer the door. Then my younger sister came down and opened the door, i rushed in the door without looking at him and said, ill see you later. With that i ran upstairs and told my mam, and we phoned the police. They interviewed me, and took my clothes, and did urine samples and then told me that he had been arrested. So i then spent the whole day in a medical centre being examined. Once i got home which was quite late at night, i had a phonecall to say that he had been interviewed and was posted bail! Since then, i do not leave my house, i do not sleep at nights, i keep myself awake at night, so i dont dream. im too scared to go to sleep, just incase i have nightmares and flashbacks, my emotions are all over the place, and i feel so depressed. I dont know what to do anymore!:( i am about to give up.

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    1. S. I completely understand your feelings and being scared but if you give up he wins. I know you don’t want that because you took all the right steps. If he hasn’t contacted you or threatened you then he is most likely more scared than you. Just because he posted bail doesn’t mean he is not guilty. If he has or does try to contact you or threaten you, you must let the police know right away. In the meantime, get some pepper spray or a stun gun that you can keep with you at all times. I have a stun gun that I bought for $50 us dollars and it is with me all the time. You might also consider taking a self defense class. But whatever you do you must get some good sleep. Go to your moms house and sleep there if you need to so you feel safe. The better sleep you get the less anxiety you will have. Even if you have to go over during the day, just go somewhere you feel safe and sleep. If you are worried about nightmares then I suggest writing out all your thoughts about an hour before bed (you can throw it away) just get it out of your head and onto paper as a mental release. If you get in the practice of doing this daily it will also help you sleep. You can write about whatever is on your mind. Then do yoga, meditation or just deep breathing for 5 minutes and this will help relax you as well. Just don’t give up and know that you did the right thing for you and others that he might do this to. He now has a record and you have shown him that he can not do this to you. I am proud of you for sticking up for yourself. You are stronger than you relize and you can get through this. Stay strong! Lynn

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  9. I was raped when I was 15. I’m now 19 and still have great fears of him. He never got what he deserved. It happened many times and it was beaten into me that if I ever told he would come back and find me. I still live in fear. I can’t sleep in the dark. I see him at night in my room. I have nightmares. I saw a therapist twice a week for almost 2 years. Why am I still so afraid? I have anxiety attacks where I flash back and I see him beating me. I scream and fight back. It’s like I am in a whole other world. How do I over come it? Somebody whos been there help me..

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    1. S. I’m proud of you that you sought therapy, maybe you aren’t done and need more. I will tell you that not sleeping well increases your anxiety a lot. Have you talked to a doctor or your therapist about having PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). You might want to talk to your physician about it especially letting them know that you have been in therapy for 2 years and are still feeling this way. Not sure if your therapist suggested this but I would definitely recommend a few things you can do on your own. #1) take self defense classes. This will help drastically with your sense of security. #2) get a stun gun or pepper spray to keep with you at all times. #3) Start writing about whatever you are feeling that day about an hour before you go to bed. This is a mental release and the more you do it the better it works. You don’t have to keep it just get your thought out of your head onto paper. Then right before bed do some yoga, or meditation or at the very least some deep breathing for 5 minutes to relax. The yoga is the best though because it relaxes all the tension in your body & mind, which promotes better sleep. The better sleep the less anxiety. Another thing and this is big, FORGIVE! Not the person that did this but forgive yourself. I have a feeling that you beat yourself up mentally for being so scared and not stopping it. But you were in survival mode because you were so scared of how far he might take it if you didn’t cooperate. This is a common part of rape control. Because rape is about control NOT you. Therefore it doesn’t define you, only the person that did this to you. So forgive yourself for letting him control you. Again you did nothing wrong except try and survive. And guess what, YOU DID! It may not feel like it but you did exaclty that, you survived and I’m proud of you for it. Try and think of it that way. Stay strong and don’t give up because you are worth it!

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  10. . I’m 24 and was raped about 5 months I’ve told a few friends about what happened and now none of them talk to me. I refuse to tell my family what happened because I don’t want them to look at me differently. Also I partly feel like I deserved it or it was my fault. I lied to my family about where I was going that night. I told them I had to go into work early that night but really I was heading off to see a guy friend I liked. He was upset about something that happened the day before and he said he just wanted to talk. So I go to his place and we did talk for a while then he pushed me down on his bed and takes my pants off. I said no and try to sit up and he pushed me down again. After that I just kept my eyes on the clock wishing it would be over quickly. I didn’t fight back after that. I just had a single tear roll down my face. Saying in my head to myself, I’m being raped, I didn’t fight back, I didn’t scream. I just laid there. Thinking about it now, I don’t know why I didn’t do anything. And to make matters worse is the next time he talked to me and I accused him of raped, he denial the whole thing and tried to make me feel like a bad person for accusing him of it. I haven’t talked to.. him in about 4 months but there is always things to remind me of it. I can’t deal with it healthy I started overeating and have gain 25 pounds since then to try and not deal with it. I also have had thoughts about going back to cutting or even doing something worse. I know I never would but sometimes it feels like it might be the only option left. I don’t know how long I can keep up this appearance. I just don’t know how to deal.

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    1. J. Sorry for the delay but I was gone for a while for the holidays. I read your story and I need to start by saying that you know what happened to you, so please don’t let what others think or how they act discredit what happened to you. You need to understand that most of the time it is our of pure ignorance on their part OR because they have been through it or have had someone close to them that has and they choose to distance themselves from you to not deal with it. The next thing I would like you to do is stop beating yourself up because you did nothing to deserve being raped. You went to help a friend that you trusted, that is not wrong. You went and talked to him because that is what you thought he needed, that is not wrong. He 100% took advantage of you and the relationship you thought you had, therefore HE is wrong, not you. Don’t think because you didn’t fight back or scream that it meant you asked for it because it doesn’t. You said no and he got physical and you got scared. You have no idea how common this is. It means you went into mental survival because you didn’t think at the time there was any way out and you didn’t want it to get worse. This is typically what happens when the rapist knows the person (the person that has trust in them). So stop beating yourself up for that. If the friends you told don’t understand well that’s because it hasn’t happened to them and they haven’t been trained in statistics or behaviors. And the reason he blamed you is because that is what they do when they know it is your word against theirs, so again understand that this is typical behavior of a rapist that knows the person they raped. This is more common that not and I bet it wasn’t his first time. Which is why you need to stay away as far as possible. If that means changing your phone number, getting some pepper spray, taking self defense classes do it. I want you to read through the steps of dealing/healing if you haven’t already on the home page because there you will find ideas to help immediately and long term but don’t skip the step of counseling, especially if your mind is going back to cutting. I promise you counseling is NOT harder than what you went through and will help. If you have a local crisis center try them, they typically work with you financially or you can even go to rainn.org to find the nearest counselor but if you really want to deal the sooner the better. Stay strong! Lynn

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  11. I was only 6 years old when I was raped, but I still remembered everything. I’m now 18 years old, but I acted as if I forgot everything that happened to me. I was born from a different country and I remembered being in court and the media asking me questions about the incident. Since I was just a child at that time, I was confused. I didn’t know that what happened to me was a big deal. I thought it was just fun and games between that ‘guy’, which he made me believe that it was, I was scared. There was one scene in court that I remembered when I was sitting down, I see him walked in the same room with his family tearing. After that I didn’t understand why my m covered my eyes so suddenly after glancing at him. I didn’t think that it was so serious at the time, but ever since then I always have that scene on my mind. Then I remember moving to my dad’s side of the family being confused of why I was being seperated from my siblings. It all makes sense now. But the thought of it still haunt me sometimes. I feel disgusted of myself. I can temporarily get it over with, but somehow it still comes back to haunt me.

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    1. J. Well I can only hope that you have had counseling especially at such a young and impressionable age? If you have then maybe it’s time to start again, if you haven’t, do so immediately. This is why there are pedophiles because the children that they have influence over trust them and don’t know wrong from right. Because young children aren’t suppose to know about sex then and we trust the people as we expect hem to respect our children appropriately. So you need to loose the feeling of disgust with yourself and place it where it belongs on the man that did this to you. And you handled it the common way as a child would not truly understanding the consequences of what happened, you tried to forget. We all try to forget because that seems to be what we all want the most but unfortunately our minds don’t work that way. I’m glad you are writing to me at age 18 because I need to express the importance of counseling. Not only for you and what you have went through but for when you decide to have children. You need the counseling not only for your past for for your future. So again even if you had counseling at an early age, it only addressed your past. Now you need it for the future of your children and a healthy relationship. Because I promise you you will be so overprotective of your kids that it might be unhealthy to ruin the relationship with your spouse or other male friends/family. So you need to get your head straight in order to have a healthy and happy future. And it IS VERY obtainable as long as you do the work ahead of time. Better to be prepared than not and have to deal with things after the fact when either raw emotions are triggered. Stay strong! Lynn

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  12. dear Lynn,

    my name is Alexandra and i am 28 years old. My experience happened last year…and it was with slipping drug into my drink. I’ve deal with it…well thought i did…i moved to another country in order to run away…but well very stupid of me. now i am back in barcelona…i moved back 3 months ago and since then i noticed that my fear, doubt in people, angryness had increased. Yesterday i was home alone and i slept with knife and with lights on, today i was crying histerically. i can’t live like this anymore. and i started to abuse sex, and presenting myself as cruel-cold blooded b***h. Today is actually first time that i red about rape..and i’ve just realized that my reactions are normal. But i want myself back. my trust, feelings..i don’t know how to deal with it.

    Thank you for your time.
    A

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    1. A. We as individuals are not born into this world knowing how to deal with such horrific situations, because they aren’t suppose to happen. Therefore the truly only way to deal is learn from someone that has either been there or been trained on how to deal. So the answer is either group counseling (not sure if they offer this in Barcelona) or through a trained counselor/therapist. We all think we can deal which is why we don’t go immediately. We hope it will go away but it doesn’t. But after time passes and we realize that it is still dictating our feelings, emotions and sleep we realize this rape is so far deep rooted that we just don’t know what to do or how to get back to us. I will tell you that rape is with us forever it is how we learn to deal with it day in and out that determines how we live the rest of our lives. The one thing I know that got me into counseling is that he had dictated my feelings everyday and seemed my life was consumed. Then I realized that everyday I lived like that that he was still in control. Rape is about control not you. And everyday that I didn’t do something to make it better to take back control is another day he is still in control. And he didn’t deserve one more second, he had already taken enough from me. So I got on the phone and called every counselor in the yellow pages until I could get in with one that day. After about 12 calls I found a women and she got me in that day. She didn’t take my health insurance but she saw how desperate I was and worked with me on payments on price and let me pay when i could. She saved my life! I haven’t looked back since, only forward and my rapist is no where in sight because I took the steps to gain ALL control back and I am no longer scared of him or of my future. I hope you can get the counseling you need, the sooner the better. Stay strong! Lynn

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  13. I am 35 years old. I was raped when I was 16 years old. I always thought that I could move on and it wouldn’t effect me. Now when I’m trying to have a relationship, it is coming back to the foreground because of the different issues that stem from it. I have low self-esteem, low confidence levels, and the need to please men. If there is any advice that you can give to help me, I would love to be able to move forward with my life.

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    1. TLB. The honest and foremost answer is counseling. I know that isn’t what you want to hear but it is the ONLY way to move forward. I can give lots of immediate tips and tips to help move toward a happier future but the concrete of all of it is counseling. You are 35 and have lived with it this long trying on your own to deal and where are you know? Please believe me when I tell you it is your best hope and also believe me when I tell you it is hard BUT not as hard as what happened or as hard as you have been living without the counseling. You can go through and read every post and they are all the same no matter how soon or long ago it was, we do not know how to deal ourselves. We are not put on this earth knowing how to mentally deal with such a heinous act, which is why the only people that can truly understand and have empathy and help is either people that have been through it or people trained to deal with it such as counselors or therapists. Also, I would like to recommend is this is someone that you think you have a future with and planning on sexual relations you must tell them you are a rape survivor. You can tell them how old you were and that you are dealing with it but you do NOT need to give details. The details belong with your counselor, therapist or if you take group therapy. Only there not him. But he needs to know because you need to know if he has empathy towards you as well as strong enough to be there for you. Which is another reason you need to be in therapy so he knows you are getting help for yourself, the help that he doesn’t know how to give and won’t feel helpless. Tell him all you need from him is empathy and make you feel safe. This will make him stay closer instead of distancing himself because he doesn’t know what to do. And IF he doesn’t do these things then he is NOT the man for you. Stay strong! Lynn

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  14. Tomorrow, New Years Eve, will mark ten years since I was raped. I thought years of counseling and assisting in counseling other victims had help me to look at the rape as a chapter in my life that has past. However, tonight I find myself overcome with emotions. Emotions much like those felt in the imediate period following the rape. How long will this man have control over me? It has been ten years. I have gone to college, married a wonderful, understanding man, become a step-mother. Yet tonight I sit in the bathroom sobbing. Afraid to move. How long will I let him have control over me? How do I find my strength?

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    1. J. The strength will come the day you realize that this person had already taken enough from you. The day you realize this person doesn’t deserve another minute of control over you. And even though you went through counseling, you are in a different place in your life now and different things could be different triggers. I suggest going back to counseling for a bit and talking about where you are now and what your new triggers are. It could have very well have been just the anniversary, as I go through the same feelings around mine BUT I also turned my date when it happened into something happy so I could take back that memory and trade it for a good one. A couple of days have passed. If you are still feeling anxious try going back to counseling. If you are feelings better and you think maybe it was just your anniversary date then I want you to plan something extra special for next New Years. You have a whole year to plan it and let it be something that you are looking forward to and as it approaches next year you will be training your mind to look forward to it and eventually you will have good memories to replace the bad ones. Stay strong! Lynn

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  15. I’ve been trying to deal with this since it happened back in june, my husband raped me, my own husband…..had to go the hospital, took 6 weeks to heal, i just wanted to curl up and die at the time….we have since divorced and we get together for family functions with our children and al seems fine but I have so much pain inside, at times anger…..feel like i am all alone in this, he was always very controlling through out our 27yr marriage and we have had other slight instances but my adult children have blamed me for the divorce. At times its hard to breath, feels like he got away with it and I let him some how. How do I get rid of the anger, I am not usually angry, i don’t like holding a grudge, just want to live my life from this point on but It was my husband can’t get over the How could he have done that to me thing …..

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    1. DCA, everyday that goes by that you are angry is letting him get away with it because he is still in control of your emotions. My best advice is to forgive. Not him for doing this to you, but forgive yourself that you are still angry. Forgive your children that blame you for the divorce when you know deep down that you were not to blame. Understand and accept that you can’t control what others think or say but you can control you and he doesn’t deserve another minute of control over you because he has taken enough. Stand up tall and look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself, “Do I want to live in a past that he controlled?” OR “Do I want control back of my life that I TOOK CONTROL OVER AND GOT OUT?” Let’s look at the positives and repeat them every time a negative thought enters.
      Positives:
      1) You got out ALIVE
      2) You have your own life now and he is NOT in control anymore
      3) You are not going to give him another minute of your anger because you deserve to be happy
      4) He is the past YOU are your future
      Try focusing on your strengths, not your weakness because we are only as strong as what you are focusing on. Stay strong! Lynn

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  16. hi I’m 20 and I was raped by a guy when I was 13. The guy was my cousin. Even today I cannot understand how horrible a person could be to do such a thing? I could not tell anyone initially and it destroyed me. it took me 6 years to tell my mum about it. She never even asked a single question about it.in the meantime I suffered from Conversion Disorder so most people don’t believe me and accuse me of hurting his reputation.I cannot talk to people i’m scared to go out on my home. I think I still haven’t dealt with it. i often think of seeing a therapist but I don’t have the courage to express myself.
    I don’t talk much, go out , I still have nightmares, i don’t know what to do.
    I had to see him everyday for four years after he first raped me. It scared the life out of me he threatened me and I could not stand up for myself and there was no one to standup for me.
    I have since mustered up courage and walked out of my family when I turned 18.
    I shut myself completely from the world because i was scared he would hurt me if i told anyone and I’ve not been able to open up to anyone even after 7 years. I don’t have any friends. I have never been in a relationship I feel if i talk about it the few people who talk to me won’t and I will be left all alone.
    I feel guilty for not bringing him to justice for now i fear he might hurt someone else and it would be my fault.
    I am so tired. I’m lonely and sometimes I think of ending my life. I tried too but survived. now I pretend that I’m alright and put up a smiling face. I’m still stuck in that place I was 7 years ago and everyone has moved on I don’t know how long i can try to catch up. i want to change but how?
    Someone told me that i should forgive him.that forgiving will set me free. that it’ll help me heal…I’ve tried but I cannot find it in my heart to do so.
    Am I wrong? Am i worthless?

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    1. s. Of course you are NOT worthless nor were you wrong. And if he does hurt someone else it is NOT your fault! You aren’t telling him to do these things. Most don’t report when it is family members so you also are not alone. Your friend was right about forgiveness BUT not him. It’s forgiving yourself for beating yourself up this time for things like feeling it is your fault that you didn’t turn him in, for not talking sooner, things like that. Once you forgive yourself for blaming yourself it will be a big weight off your shoulders. If your family wasn’t supporting you I think it is good that you distance yourself from them. I’m not saying disown just distant (except your cousin – you should disown and stay away as far as possible). You do need to go to counseling and it is the only thing that will get you out of this funk you have been in for years. You are ready to talk I can tell by coming here and saying you want to talk to your couple of friends you have now. That is a bad idea. You should start counseling and then learn how to approach them. Just like some of the other people you told, a lot (out of ignorance) will distant themselves from you because they don’t know what to do, how to help or try to save you, therefore it is easier to walk away than do something wrong. Which is why counseling is the first and most IMPORTANT step. Then you can tell them when you get your head straight (if you still feel the need to) but you don’t need to give details (that is for the counselor) just that you are a rape survivor and you currently are in counseling. When you tell a friend that you are in counseling they see you as strong not weak. They see you as standing up for yourself and respecting yourself to get the help that they can’t give you. They more likely are to have empathy for you and stick around to support. Because when you tell them about the rape and that you are getting help you can also let them know all you hope from them is to be supportive and empathetic. This is the best way to help yourself and know who your true friends really are. Also, I know you don’t think you can open up but it is not as hard as what you lived through for 4 years and I promise you once you realize you aren’t being judged and have someone on your side that wants to support and help you, you will feel so much better and stop living in the past. Stay strong! Lynn

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  17. I went to college when I turned 17. It was a great time. That same fall semester, I was raped by an acquaintence. I thought I could trust him because he was my friends’ boyfriends brother. But I couldn’t.

    I went to his house one night. He invited me. My friend and her boyfriend always invited me to go over to the house where the brothers lived as roommates, but I always rejected. And then one night, I was bored in my dorm room and a text came through. So naturally, I thought that everyone would be there at the house. When I went inside, their sister was asleep on the couch in front of the t.v. I asked him where I should go. He said we could stay downstairs or go upstairs to his room. I didn’t want to disturb his sister, so I went upstairs. We talked for hours…. about everything. Family, friends, love… everything. Before I knew it, it was around 3am. He had been drinking all night and I wasn’t comfortable with him driving me back to the dorms. I figured, he could sleep it off and take me back first thing in the morning. So I layed down beside him, wearing shorts, a pair of socks, and my shirt. I voiced to him that I wasn’t interested in doing anything. That I didn’t even want to kiss him. He said he understood.

    I went to sleep and woke up to him feeling on me down there. I was half awake and told him to quit it. I felt him stop. Then I felt him pull my shorts to the side and before I could say a word… he went inside of me. I tried to push him off, but I failed. I told him no, to stop, but he didn’t care. He held my arms down on the bed and tried to kiss me. I turned my head and he kissed my neck. I gave up. He was so strong. I couldnt move. It was like I left my body and watched it all happen. It was like I astroprojected myself. I couldn’t scream anymore, I couldn’t cry… All I could do was lay there.

    This was 5 years ago and I still have nightmares. I have went to counseling, but I have never been able to express myself. I began to be promiscuous. And now, 5 years later, I am a lesbian. I don’t want another man to touch me… ever. Even when i’m laying in the bed at night, I find myself crying for no reason. I sleep with a knife by my bed. I never told my family. I don’t want to take my mother through it. She’s already had a heart attack.

    I just feel lost. Even after all of this time. For some reason I can’t move on. I can’t let go.

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    1. AHH, I’m glad to know that you went to counseling but I think you still need more. Maybe you could try group counseling. There you will make lifelong bonds and really be able to express yourself. You will find copy mechanisms that have helped others and you will find people that can truly relate to you, which will help you open up. I also think a self defense class would help with your sense of security. Your story is very common so try not to beat yourself up so much. You went into survival mode because if this person is capable of rape then what else is he capable of? Which is why you laid there. Something else you might want to think of is that rape is about control, and everyday that goes by that you let this dictate your emotions he is still in control. Don’t let him have another minute. Do something everyday to help yourself and pretty soon you will have the control back. Unfortunately the past can’t be changed but you do have your future and he doesn’t deserve to be in it. So get back in counseling either one on one or group and take a self defense class, I promise you it will help. Most importantly think how you want your future to be and do one thing everyday to obtain it. Stay strong! Lynn

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  18. Hi Lynn,
    I broke up with my ex fiance a year ago, and I am now involved with a wonderful man. I was talking with him about my ex and some things that I am still getting over in our relationship, and he told me that the relationship sounds like it was emotionally abusive. I was kind of surprised when he told me that, but he sent me a link to a website, and based on the information from some websites I kind of realized that he was in fact emotionally abusive to me. I thought more about the relationship – how could this have happened? How did I not realize it? And then I realized on top of that, that my ex had raped me several times.

    He was never violent or anything. At the beginning, every time I said no to sex he would pout and get angry and withhold cuddling or touching until he felt like he was “over it”. And then later it got worse. If I said no, he would say “I can make you want it” and continue to touch me until I would give in and have sex with him.

    We lived together for awhile, and one day I was naked in bed and he came up to me and started kissing me like he wanted sex. I told him I wasn’t in the mood and he started touching me. I pushed his hands away several times, and eventually twisted my legs around each other so he couldn’t touch me. It was like a game to him. He flipped me over and found a way to shove his fingers into me. He then untwisted my legs and had sex with me even though I told him I didn’t want it. Several times I told him that I didn’t want sex and he did it anyway. Sometimes I would cry during sex or tell him to stop and he wouldn’t. Or he would do it for a short period of time longer and then stop.

    But at the time I didn’t realize this was rape.
    Now I am really upset. I hate myself for letting him continue to do this to me. For not realizing that I was letting him rape me over and over. I never fought him. I never screamed. It was easier to just let him have his way with me than to make him mad by fighting him til he’d stop.
    How could I have not realized this was rape until now?
    Why do I feel so upset about this, one year after I broke up with him and now when I’m in a happy supportive good relationship with someone else?

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    1. S. You are upset because the realization of being raped is just now hitting you. And this was a very common type of rape, where you are in a relationship and say no many times but he does what he wants anyway. And when it is easier to let him than fight him off he knows is is in control and will continue until you take it to the next level of “no”. But most girls don’t if the person doing it gets angry or violent because they don’t want worse to happen, this is survival mode. You did nothing wrong but he knew he could because he was in control and he wanted it to stay that way. What I need you to focus on now is that this was a huge learning experience for you. You now know what a loving relationship is and vow to yourself to never let yourself go through anything like that again. Where that starts is loving yourself, enough to know if you ever see signs or red flags, to love yourself enough to walk away. Don’t beat yourself up over what happened because it can’t be changed. Instead I want you to be happy you are out of it and be happy for where you are now and truly appreciate your partner for showing you how it should be. If you take those negative thoughts and turned them into positive and focus on what you want now, you will be very happy! Stay strong! Lynn

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  19. I feel out of control. Every time i was molested i remember so well, and vividly. However, both of the perpetrators are still in my life and accepted by my family, despite the fact they know. Im now engaged, and highly medicated but nothing seems to help. Ive been in counseling for four years two in highschool, and two in college. Ive told my story and tried letting go, but i cant, and i dont understand. To go to sleep at night is such a challenge, and the guilt of hurting my parents from trying to commit suicide is just gut wrenching, and too painful even though their advice to me was to just get over it. I dont feel like im getting what i need, but i have no idea what it is i actually need. The pictures and memories just fly through my mind all day in a clutter, and when i try to talk about it with my fiance i feel like im ruining his life so i dont let everything out. I hope you can give me some advice.

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    1. N. Your fiancee is not the person you need to be speaking with because it is making him feel helpless. And when people that love us feel helpless they tend to back off, which is the opposite of what we need. He absolutely needed to know but he is NOT the person to look towards for help OTHER than to have empathy and be your rock. That he absolutely does need to do but you need to let him know that is all you expect from him. That will take the burden of not knowing how to help off his shoulders. If I was in your shoes I would want distance from those that aren’t giving me the support I need. No one ever “gets over it” and the only reason they are saying that is out of pure ignorance and not wanting drama. If they are treating this family member as “normal” and not chastising him ass they should then I would seriously distance myself. There is no way you are going to heal if you are around this person AND the family members are looking at you like you are the one with the issue because you “can’t get over it”. Not sure how close you live or how much you see him, but if it is often because of your living situation or family, then I personally would start fresh and new somewhere else. I would also like to mention that if your family knows and didn’t do anything about it that means they are accepting it, which means you better not have your kids ANYWHERE around him OR the people accepting it. I would have a talk with your parents/family and state that after all this time they are acting as normal and to you means they have chosen him over you. sexual assault/molestation/rape is something that is with us for life BUT we can learn to deal and have a good life, but as long as this is the way they are going to behave it is ultimately holding back your healing process. I’m not saying disown them, just distance yourself and if you can with a fresh start. You don’t have to hate them for what they are doing just toss it up to complete ignorance on their behalf. But I truly feel that is what is holding you back. I would also probably seek more counseling to address where you are at now and the triggers you are having and what is causing them. Your fiance would be assured by this as well because he will feel like you are taking the appropriate steps to get the help that he can’t give. It WILL make your relationship stronger. I hope that helps! STay strong! Lynn

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  20. I was raped when I was 16 by someone I knew and went to school with. The thing about this rape is that it was not brutal at all. I just kind of shut down and had no idea how to handle the situation.. I feel like a lot of had to do with the fact that I’m such a quiet and shy person. I”m also a people pleaser… I remember saying no multiple times and the only thing he said to me was ” Trust me I’m almost done” those words still ring in the back of my mind all the time. I went to the cops but got so much negative feed back. Them my mom was asking if it really did happen. That hurt so much. And then telling me if I press charges and we don’t win that we would have to move away. Do to the fact that we live in such a small town. The statistics that I have read on rape are jaw dropping and just break my heart. I was also sexually abused this past November. I was around people that I trusted and the guy that did it to me is like a brother that I’ve know since my junior year of high school. I was drinking but I had been there multiple times and I trusted these people. I went to go sleep in a place that they called my safe place. I come in and out of sleep to someone running their hands up my shirt and down my pants. I felt I had betrayed his wife and also the guy that I was and am still currently dating. I just wonder why this had to happen again to some degree. I basically destroyed myself this summer. Using sex and drugs to deal with my problems because I feel like nothing but piece of meat that has no voice. I’m tired of feeling this way. I also struggle with self-harm, suicidal thoughts, and depression. I’m in therapy and I guess it helps. I just need more support because I get nothing from my parents at home.

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    1. S. Well I’m really glad to know you are in therapy because that is the best thing you can do for yourself. I know you said you were in a small town but ask your therapist if they have group therapy there (they should know). I think if you can get into group therapy as well (don’t give up your individual) that it would really benefit you. You find life long friends in group therapy and receive the support of other survivors which is what I really think you need. Because the only people that truly understand us are other survivors and or trained specialists (therapists/counselors). Make sure you tell your therapist that you have considered self harm if you haven’t already. I would like to point out that your parents reactions are completely out of ignorance because they don’t know what to do or how to help. So they prefer to not believe or support you so they don’t have to admit it, which is very selfish and ignorant. Another idea you might want to consider is taking a self defense class which will totally help with your sense of security and confidence level. Just know you are not alone and you are strong and you will get through this, you just have to work for it and put yourself first. Stay strong! Lynn

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  21. I was raped 15 years ago. I never sought counseling and never told anyone. I just acted like it didn’t happen and went on with my life. I told my mom some years later, but she didn’t have much to say. The only other person I told was my boyfriend who is now my husband. I didn’t tell him specifics just that it happened. I started drinking heavily to deal with everything. I stopped drinking 6 years ago cause I had kids and thought it was time to get my life together. Well the past 18 months I have really been having a problem with it. Terrible anxiety attacks and insomia. I tried to just deal with it on my own. 4 months ago my anxiety got so bad I had a break down. My Doc said I have a mood disorder and put me on mood stabilizers and Clonipin for anxiety. Its been helping, but still have nightmares sometimes. I am seeing a counselor and it seems to be helping too. But I still feel so insecure and scared sometimes. Like I’m back in that room. I tried to talk to my husband about it, but he doesn’t want to know about it. He said it frustrates him to see me so weak and helpless. He thinks I can only help myself. I just need comfort sometimes and I don’t get it. So now I really feel all alone. I know he is right that I am the only one that can help myself, but I don’t know how. I need to know how to quit being a victim, and start being a fighter…a survivor. I don’t know how. Any advice will help please.

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    1. TB, First I would like you to have a talk with your husband. Let him know that you don’t expect him to have the answers but what you do expect is for him to be a should to cry on or a hug when you need it, that’s it. It’s good you didn’t give him details because that can really hurt a relationship. The only person that needs to know details is your counselor or a very close personal friend that you can trust NOT to say anything to your husband or anyone else for that matter. You did everything right, EXCEPT not getting counseling earlier BUT you are in it now so I’m proud of you. What turned me from a victim to a survivor was 2 things. First was the day I realized I could be dead, but I wasn’t, I was alive. Second, was the day I truly learned what rape was about, control. It wasn’t about me but about control. And every minute that I let the rape control my emotions, I realized he was still in control. From that moment on I did everything I could to not let it control my thoughts or emotions. Now that being said I was in therapy for a year prior which helped me achieve this. My desire/madness over not letting him have another minute of my life was deeper than the emotions I carried. I knew I deserved a good life and I believed it wasn’t my fault and refused to let it define me. I stood taller I was happier and I realized within a short period of time that I took my life back and he was in my past and could not have one more minute of my future because he had already taken enough. I was alive for a reason therefore I was gonna make the best of it. So it is in your mindset and it takes baby steps but when you start thinking that way every time you get upset it will work. Stay strong! Lynn

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  22. I was raped when I was 16 and I am now 36. A big situation has arisen with my son and it has brought back all of those memories because I blocked them out with either drugs, alcohol, and pills throughout the years. Though I have not taken drugs in many years and the same with pills. The only thing that I have a problem with is drinking and at that I have cut it down to only two days a week instead of every day. I am now engaged (just recently on December 25, 2012) to a wonderful and supportive man. He is my rock and is all “gung ho” about helping me get through this. He is also the one who helped me to work through the alcohol problem and with his support and love it has helped tremendously. I am in the process of getting counselling. I had an assessment done and they gave me referrals to several different centers for individual and group therapy. All of this started to come back about a month ago and sleep is becoming soooo hard to get. This is also starting to affect my fiance and I’s romantic/sexual relationship when there wasn’t a problem before all of this came flooding back. I really feel bad about that and wish that there was something I could do to fix that. I really didn’t realize that holding this in for so long would affect me this bad. It has completely changed my life and I feel completely out of control. I just recently told my mother and father. They were completely supportive and understood a little more why I made some of the decisions I did when I was younger. I am the kind of person who is always concerned about everyone else and not myself so learning to do that is a real struggle. I hope that all of this makes sense.

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    1. A. You seem like a very strong women and I know you can get through this. I’m glad your family and fiance are supportive and there for you, you are lucky because that is not always the case. I’m very glad you are taking the right steps with counseling because that is what you need. I always say the longer it takes to get counseling the longer it takes to heal so I’m glad you are finally getting help. Let your fiance know that you don’t need or expect him to have the answers, that is what you are getting counseling for. All you need from him is support and empathy. I would like you to try a few things to see if it helps you sleep better. About an hour before bed at night I want you to sit down and write about your day, good bad it doesn’t matter just write it out as a mental release. You don’t have to keep what you write OR if you are discovering triggers through your writing you might want to take them to the counselor to get help with the specifics. Once you are done then either try some yoga or meditation before bed. The deep breathing really reduces the anxiety. I prefer yoga because I am not thinking so much just trying to focus on my moves and breathing but it is up to you. If you do this every possible night that you can I promise you it will improve your quality of sleep which will in turn help lower your anxiety. When you wake up in the morning if you have nightmares and you remember write them down to discuss with your counselor. Then try and make some affirmations and put them on post it notes somewhere around the house that you will see at the beginning of everyday like, “I am in control of my future, no one else” or ” Today will only be positive” or “I’m looking forward to spending time with my fiance” or “I am strong & can get through anything” or “No one can hurt me as I am protected with love”! Then you always have positives to start your day. I even put affirmations in my car so every time I get in the car I see them. You will get there if you put the work in and I promise it will be worth it just like you are worthy of a happy life! Stay strong! Lynn

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  23. I was young, only 17, thought I had finally found the love my life. I had spent the last 6 months depressed, alone in my university residences. Apparently I was blind. 2 months into the “relationship” I was tortured and manipulated multiple times. Things weren’t working. He said if we just had sex we would feel closer and every thing would be okay. I don’t know even know why I liked him to begin with. I don’t know why I decided so early I wanted to be with him “forever”. I obviously said no on multiple occasions. And then the day came when I couldn’t stop bear the pressure and say okay on a long distance phone call. I got back to my hometown and I saw after so long. We were just fooling around. I didn’t except him to assault me. He didn’t ask he didnt bring protection. He just did. He knew he was raping me I saw it in his eyes, he was a monster. I didn’t scream but passed out afterwards. He raped me, and ran out the door. He didn’t call me for 2 weeks, and once he did asked me if I wanted to me him at a sketchy hotel. I have not spoken to him since. I am a survivor. It’s been 2 years and I am now in a healthy relationship. I am happy but now looking to heal this wound I buried so deep.

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    1. LS I’m glad you are ready to heal because you can’t bury rape, it always shows it ugly head until you deal with it. I say it’s like your shadow that you can’t outrun. You literally have to turn and face it head on. And that is through counseling. If you are in a healthy relationship now I promise it will some how affect it without the proper counseling. Just think how much better it can be and will be. Your new bf can not do anything to help you other than support you and have empathy. Hopefully you have told him about the rape. You do not need to give details (that is only for the counselor) but he does need to know. Tell him you are a survivor and that it has been bothering you recently but you are getting the professional help you need. Tell him you don’t expect him to have the answers just to be your rock when you need him. Tell him you are going to counseling for the both of you because you want to put your past behind you and concentrate on the future with him. Then get into the counseling you need and your healing will be right around the corner. The longer you wait the longer it takes so I would go asap. Stay strong! Lynn

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  24. this might be long-I’m currently 17 years old and dealing with a lot of confused emotions right now. as a child probably around 2nd or 3rd grade i was abused sexually. truth is i cant remember a thing about it which iv always tried to take as a blessing but its hard to think not knowing is any better than knowing. i guess i had blocked out what happened until about a year ago. it sounds silly but i was watching law and order svu and they were talking about all the signs of a kid having been sexually abused and i realized i fit about 90% of that. so i did more research and found more signs i fit and found out that a lot of people just block it out. and more and more signs became more obvious as time went on. i can never be sure this happened which is why i feel horrible complaining about something that might now have happened but i just cant ignore the signs and few things i remember. anyway iv been trying to just get over it and its just getting worse. now every day i run into something that makes me think of it and i just wanna cry. i have a best friend of 4 years that i started dating 6 months ago and i’m very trusting of him, we very loving and happy (more mature of a relationship) but i cant bring myself to talk about it but i know i need to cause i cant control my emotions anymore and i need help. i told him vaguely what i believe happened to me as a kid and he didn’t know how to react so that kinda makes me not want to tell him again he was very nice about it but didn’t say much to help so i’m afraid if i tell him anymore he wont know how to help and ill feel more helpless than i feel now. i know its stupid to keep dwelling on something i don’t even remember but i cant get it out of my head and i don’t know how to deal with it anymore so any advice on how to deal with it and how to safely talk about it with my boyfriend would be great.

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    1. D. Your boyfriend isn’t the one you should be talking to. Yes he needs to know that you think this happened but that’s it. Especially when you don’t know for sure. The person you should be talking to is a counselor who can help you determine who to question to see if you can get more answers (like your parents). Your boyfriend doesn’t know how to help nor should he. The only people that can help you or understand are people that have been through it or professionally trained (counselors/therapists). So the more you talk to him the more he feels helpless which ultimately puts a strain on your relationship. So if you want to keep the relationship good you need to tell him that you realize he doesn’t have the answers nor do you expect him to. You also realize you need counseling from a professional that is going to help you sort this out. So all you would like from him is his empathy and to be your rock as you are going through this and that is all. Then get the counseling you need. He will then see that you are helping yourself and you are trying to not let it interfere with your relationship. He will respect you for it and be there when you need him and not back away. When we rely on people that don’t know how to help they back away, so do it the right way through counseling, which can also possibly unlock memories to answer your questions of did this in fact happen to me. Stay strong! Lynn

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  25. how do you deal with being raped specially by someone you dated ? it was the night of december 13th,2009? i have blamed myself because i was drunk and he pulled a knife to my throat and raped me from behind when i was walking to my car so how do you deal with it because i dont know how to have a normal relationship with a guy since then i dont trust them and have a hard time of being near a guy and when they try to come up i push them away.

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    1. B. In order to have a relationship of any kind with trust is through the appropriate counseling. You must seek counseling because this doesn’t just go away and you can’t forget about it so you must learn how to cope. The longer you wait the longer it takes. Yes it’s not easy but it isn’t as difficult as what you’ve already been through and how it is affecting your everyday life. You are so worth a happy and bright future without this dark cloud over your head. And you also need to stop blaming yourself. Serioulsy just because you were drunk doesn’t mean you deserved a knife to your throat. If this happened to your daughter would you blame her? No you wouldn’t so you need to truly believe deep down that this was in no way your fault and it doesn’t define you. Stand up tall and make a counseling appointment and go until you have a handle. Everyday that goes by that you don’t get counseling this guy is still in control of your life and emotions. He doesn’t deserve another minute because he has already taken 3 years. When you get the control back over your emotions and have you live going forward, he won’t be in control anymore. So take back that control! Stay strong! Lynn

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  26. 3 years ago I was raped and my virginity taken as a freshman in college. Afterwards I became depressed and self destructive and turned to alcohol to try and cope. At one point I hated myself so much that I tried to take my own life by taking pills. Last year I finally went to a rape counselor and it really helped to talk to someone and finally try and figure out what I was feeling. My question is will I ever get back to “normal”? Even 3 years later I find myself randomly getting depressed, I have this self hatred that I cannot shake, and I am not able to be in normal relationships with friends or men because there is something wrong with me. I guess I just don’t know what to do anymore and if there will ever be a day where this stops dictating my life and I can finally feel like myself again.

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    1. ALC, I think you need to return to counseling, especially if you still have self hatred. The first thing you learn is that none of the rape was your fault and that you should not let the rape define you. You know when you are progressing when you don’t hold any guilt or shame. Rape is about control not you and through hard work on your part you will get your life back but you do have to work at it. Think of it this way, this person has already taken 3 years of your life by controlling your thoughts and emotions, he doesn’t deserve another minute as he has already taken so much. So don’t give him another minute and try your best to put it in your past and don’t look back. It won’t happen overnight but if you take the proper steps to concentrate on your future and not your past (since it can’t be changed). You have total control of your future so try and put all your efforts and thoughts on that. Look through my website in “steps in the healing process” for ideas that can help along with more counseling, but the counseling is a must until you feel in control of your own life again. Just keep in the back of your head that you are not gonna let him be in control anymore, it’s your life not his! Stay strong! Lynn

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  27. Hi,
    i am raped by my boyfriend, i live in India, it was clear between me and him that there will be no sex as i am not comfortable and also harm my religious belief (sex before marriag). He used to say he won’t do any thing which will harm me. But he did, after that he start caring more, and used to say he is guilt of wht he did. I didn’t make any complaints bcoz in initial i was so shocked that i hv been hurted by the person i loved the most and respected, and after sometimes i tried to talk about this with my mom she blamed me by saying its your mistake, y u have friendship with boys.
    Things worsen when he start saying that he did nothing wrong. And i was agreed to sex. Moreover afterwards he asked me to meet at his place and i refused to meet alone he ended the relationship.
    Being victim i hv started feeling that i am culprit. I hv not discussed this incidence with any one bcoz i think here in India people will only make fun or show pity or blame me for wht happened with me.
    Help me i am unable to get over it.

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    1. D. I am aware how difficult it is in India and what makes it worse is that you don’t have anyone to turn to unfortunately. I’ve been told that there are no counselors to turn to and your family probably will blame you. But the first step in recovery and what I need you to do is truly believe deep down that this was not your fault. You did not ask for the sex and told him no so this was in no way your fault. think of it this was, if the exact same thing happened to your daughter would you blame her? No you wouldn’t. Your mother doesn’t understand because she wasn’t there, but you were. You know exactly what happened and if I know you wouldn’t blame your daughter so no matter what anyone else says you are not to blame and I need you to believe that. Also, personally I’m glad you are no longer with this boy because you deserve better. You don’t need to be with a rapist the rest of your life. If he has done this to you he probably has or will do this again to someone else. So it is best for you to start a new life without him. Read through some of my “steps in the healing process” on my site and try to do as many as you can. Even though I know there isn’t really rape counseling in India double check to make sure there on the internet because maybe you will find someone that will help you talk about it. But if not be thankful this person is out of your life because it truly is a blessing. Also, know that this rape doesn’t define you. Do little things everyday that make you happy. And don’t worry about what others think because you are the only one that knows this wasn’t your fault! Going forward you DO NOT have to tell your next boyfriend that you are not a virgin. Because you haven’t given consent for sex and they don’t need to know it was taken from you. So if they ask if you are a virgin I personally would say yes because virginity should be lost when you give consent and you did not do that. You still have the rest of your life ahead of you and even though the past can’t be changed you do have control over your future so concentrate on that and NOT the past. Stay strong! Lynn

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  28. Thank you Lynn, your advise has been helpful. After getting your reply I tried to find counsellor but there are very few here in India and I can’t afford it. Just knowing that someone else believes me has made a lot of difference. I try now to keep a positive outlook and remind myself in my dark times that it wasn’t my fault. I have cut down on alcohol and get out of the house atleast once a day however scary the world seems.
    My family still doesn’t acknowledge the fact that I was raped and I still don’t feel comfortable around people and can’t make friends but I have come to make peace with it. I have come to believe that I’ll make friends and have a recent relationship if it is in my destiny. I still have anxiety attacks and very bad days but I am learning to take one step at a time to bring a positive change in myself.I also learned that running around desperately will not make time go faster or make the change come sooner. Thanks to you I feel hope for the first time in so many years.
    I am working hard to make a life for myself and I know now that I will find a way out and build a life that I used to dream about before this horrific thing happened.
    I know I am not there yet but I will get there however long it takes.I will fight to live .
    I will always be grateful to you for giving me the will to fight.

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  29. I was sexually assualted ages 12-14 and at 15 I was raped by a guy I considered my best friend and brother… I thought that it was my fault… that if I had just been more worthy of love, then he wouldn’t have forced it from me. But I’m not, so even as I protested , he took my identity from me and I don’t know who I am anymore… I’m 16 now… 17 in July… and I still have nightmares/flashbacks. Everyday I have to control myself in school to make sure I don’t flinch when I accidently bump into someone in the halls or when one of my few remaining friends (a lot of my old ones ignore me now because Iintroverted) jump mewith a surprise hug. I just wish Icould have my old life back- being one with god, beinghappy, having friends, being normal… being loved, and being worthy…. most of the time I just push this wound down deep into my mind to cover it up… but it always resurfaces…

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    1. A. You can have a good life again, albeit not the same one but you absolutely can have a good life BUT you have to work for it, it isn’t going to just come. It really sucks that we are the victims and then we have to work so hard at being happy again. It really does suck BUT it REALLY is WORTH IT and SO ARE YOU! I hate to hear you say you aren’t worthy because you are but you have to start believing it. You never deserved what happened to you and this doesn’t define you. The only thing it defines is the people that did this to you as rapists or capable of sexual assault. Rape is about control and everyday that you keep thinking you aren’t worthy of a better life and worthy of love this person is still in control of you. Aren’t you tired of it? How bad do you want to be happy again? I think because you are here you want it pretty bad. Do you really think he deserves to be in control of you for another minute? Hasn’t he taken enough from you? You need to believe this doesn’t define you and believe in your happy future and work for it. It isn’t going to happen over night but every baby step you take to brighten your future is one less minute he is in control. Start with counseling, immediately. You can do various steps I have listed under “steps in the healing process” but none or more important than counseling. Fight for your life back so he doesn’t get another minute! Stay strong! Lynn

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  30. So I am a victim or rape. I was raped by my cousin who was my best friend. It was when I was 10-12. I went to therapy when I was 15 but I didn’t really feel compfortable with him. I went for about a year and after he closed my case saying that I have recovered. Well I’m 20 now and for the past 2years I have been having dreams of my rapist. He just got out of jail last may for something else other than my rape. But I feel as if sex is just an act. Yes I have a boyfriend and be knows about my rape and we talk about it when he sees that I’m ha sing a rough day but he doesn’t know that I really don’t value myself. I feel like hell I might as well have sex; I don’t feel like my body is a temple or of value. I’m just doing it and I don’t know why. It’s not like he’s bad at sex but it’s not an enjoyable act. It’s just an act; meaning ill have sex with someone if they come to me and say hey whata have sex..I don’t feel like it’s a big deal when I know that it is. I also do things in sex that are not normal like ill have group sex (even through I haven’t yet but I will) sex is nothing to me even through I know that sex is something special between two people. I want to see a sex theiapist and a physiologist but I’m a little scared I don’t want them to laugh at me like the last one

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    1. BJ. If you find the right therapist (preferably a woman) they aren’t going to laugh at you. They are going to help you get through this. What you are feeling is very common and whether you know it or not you are very aware and that is a good thing. What I mean by that is you are addressing what you are doing at some level now you need to take it to another level by getting to a therapist. You can start at rainn.org they can direct you to a professional counselor that is close to you that specializes in rape. I’m not sure if you need a sex therapist because these feelings you are having are more associated with rape. A lot of victims don’t recognize what they are doing and a lot end up as dancers or even worse prostitutes. I would guess that about 85% of all dancers/prostitutes have been sexual assaulted at some time in their lives which is why they don’t value themselves. You are at least recognizing and looking/wanting help with this and that is wonderful. You are WORTHY and you need to stop letting this define you. Just because this is in your past doesn’t mean it should control your future, but you are the only one that can change that. So don’t give up because YOU ARE WORTH IT and you have your whole life ahead of you and if you work at it you can be happy and in love, I promise! But you have to work at it, it’s not easy but IT IS SOOO WORTH IT! Stay strong! Lynn

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  31. I’m 21 and recently went on a Spring Break trip with some of my girl friends. On the second night there, a group of guys from a different school came over to our beach house. We had been drinking for much of the afternoon and evening, so by this point I was feeling pretty tipsy. We cooked dinner for about 15 guys and there were around 12 girls from our house altogether. It was myself and another girl cooking dinner for everyone, and by the time everyone had been fed, I just wanted to socialize. (I’m telling you this because I’ve analyzed every decision I made that night). I skipped dinner unintentionally, and continued to consume alcohol with all of our new friends, making me even more intoxicated. An attractive guy approached me and we started to talk. It was crazy how much we had in common! Same major, same upbringing, we talked about the similar research projects we had both been a part of at our universities. I don’t know why, but I trusted him. It’s a bad quality I have. I trust that everyone is a good person, even when I know I shouldn’t. I’m too naive. Anyways, this guy asks me to go next door to their beach house to help him bring their beer back over. In my drunken state, I agreed, not thinking about what could happen. I told my roommate that I was going to get the beer with him, she didn’t seem to worry either, since they were all nice guys. He led me up the stairs to the house, then up more stairs to a room. I still didn’t think I was in any danger or had any idea of what he was thinking. We entered the room and I asked where the cooler was. He said there wasn’t one and playfully pushed me on the bed. That’s when I knew what we had come there for. I said ‘I can’t’ so that he would get the point but he didn’t stop. He got on top of me and he was much stronger than I was. He kissed me on the lips and I turned my head. He pulled up my skirt and down his pants and pinned me underneath him. As he started to rape me, I began to cry. Tears were streaming down my face. I put my hands on his chest to try to keep him from doing what he was doing but he was so much stronger than I was. He flung my legs over to the side and kept going, while I continued to cry, praying for it to be over. Finally, and I’m not sure how, I mustered up the courage to push him with all of my force. He fell back a bit, then stood up and I quickly got out of the bed. I’m not sure what changed in him, because he then asked ‘Are you okay?’ ‘What’s wrong?’ … The look in his eyes.. I’ll never forget it. I made it back to our house and found one of my friends. I had a panic attack and cried all night. I only told her half the story. I’m so ashamed. Why did I drink so much? Why did I wear a tight skirt? Why did I trust a guy I didn’t know? And why did I follow him? I’ve been in denial until now. No one knows the true story. Would they even believe me? Would they call me a slut? Was it my fault? Maybe it was a little bit. I don’t know.

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    1. A. No you are not a slut and I need you to think about this. Do you think every girl that wears a tight skirt or trusts a guy deserves to be raped? I know you don’t so stop thinking you deserved it or had any fault in what happened at all because YOU ARE NOT AT FAULT. This something that has happened to you and you need to deal with it and I’m glad you came here. First this doesn’t define you. as a slut or anything else it just defines the guy as a rapist. And him playing ignorant by saying “whats wrong” gives me the idea this wasn’t his first time. Trusting people is not a bad fault but it is something that we now know isn’t going to come so easy. I was raised that I trusted and liked someone until they gave me reason not to, but in todays day and age we can’t think like that anymore. You didn’t do anything wrong other than trust someone. Now I need you to take care of yourself and get the counseling you need. The longer you wait the longer it takes to heal, trust me. If you don’t believe me read through these posts of people that never got counseling and it is still not only affecting their relationships but haunting them 10, 20 30 years later. So I’m proud of you for looking for help so soon, don’t stop here. You can go to a counselor at your college, or a local crisis center or to rainn.org just get help somewhere. And that will help you know how to deal with telling your friends too. Stay strong! Lynn

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  32. I have suffered from depression since I was 16. I’m 24 now. There is alot going on for me that trying to understand what is causing the depression is proving difficult for me. I’m finding it extremely difficult to live my life at the moment and have particular issues with being around people alot of the time.
    I have got myself into situations that I didn’t want to be in with lads without realising before it’s too late. When I did realise it I didn’t know how to get out of it.
    One of these happened when I was 14. I thought at the time what they were doing to me was normal ad they didn’t use that much force it was more like gentle persuasion and my friend was doing the same with another guy somewhere else. There was 8 in the gang altogether. Two of them abused me.
    I have seen many councilors over the years and when I told one what had happened that day she didn’t really make anything of it.
    Im seeing another councilor now and had been getting quite agitated when the subject came up. All of a sudden I couldn’t stop thinking about it. When I told her what happened she said I wad raped twice. She told me to tell someone else I trust but I can’t find anyone to tell. I find it extremely difficult to talk to my parents about personal stuff. The councilorbelieves that this incident could be a big factor behind my depression. I am writing things down like she sed but I’m finding it difficult to cope. The feelings I should have had 9 years ago have hit me now. I think I may have been blocking out any feelings I may have had because I thought I was making a big deal out of nothing. I’m also thinking about it in relation to the other situations and how it seemed to happen alot. At the moment im quite jumpy when I sleep. I’m going between stages of denial and questioning why this could have such an affect on me all of a sudden. Im trying to find the right person to tell but can’t. I did have a boyfriend for a lil wile and every time we tried to have sex I felt like I was being raped. This was before I was told that the incident at 14 was rape. I dont really know what to be thinking or doing with myself for that matter. All I know is that it’s only in the last few weeks this has taken hold of me which on top of other things im trying to deal with im lost.

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    1. A.E. You are going through this trauma now because your mind can no longer hold it in. You probably knew back then that something wasn’t right but because of your young age and vulnerability at the time you just wished and tried to believe it wasn’t bad. As you got older the more you understood how things worked and grew to know what was right or wrong you suppressed these feelings because you didn’t want to admit to yourself what had happened. Which is why you felt like it was rape when you tried to have sex. Then when the counselor pointed it out it all became real, which is why you are going through the emotions now, that you should have gone through back then. No matter what we do we can not suppress the feelings associated with rape. They will come out at some point. We can’t forget it we can’t sweep it under the rug and we can’t run from it. the best thing to do is exactly what you are doing facing it head on through counseling. You must continue no matter how many feelings you are going through right now because you have to feel in order to heal. I agree that you need to try and find a person that you can talk to. Preferably someone that you can turn to 24/7 when you need them and the counselor isn’t available. It doesn’t have to be your parents and if you do decide to go to them I’m not sure if I would actually go into the details just let them know you are a survivor and need their support. One thing I need you to do is NOT be ashamed. I get the feeling that is why you can’t find anyone to talk to. You can not let this define you, as you did nothing wrong. And if you do find that person to talk to let them know up front that all you are asking from them is an ear to listen and someone to be there for you when you are scared and don’t want to be alone. You are NOT expecting them to heal you as you are going to counseling for that. That way it alleviates the pressure from them if they don’t know what to say or do. Just ask for their empathy and to be your rock when needed. Make sure this person is trustworthy and won’t tell anyone else too. I think the writing is a very good idea and I would try and do it before you go to sleep as a mental release before bed. And when you are done writing try to do some yoga because this will also help with anxiety and improve your sleep. One last thing if you truly can’t find anyone you feel comfortable talking to, talk to a dog or cat if you have one, if not go rescue one. I know this sounds crazy but they will give you unconditional love and you can talk all you want and they won’t tell. An animal really is great therapy. Stay strong! Lynn

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  33. It was two years ago. I had just turned 18 and I was a virgin at the time. I went on a cruise with my best friend. There were about 15 older guys who were in the Navy and happened to be on our cruise ship, we noticed them the one day, one of which I thought was pretty cute. We made friends with this girl on the trip and she invited us to drink with those guys, all of which were older than 20 at the time. They made us each one drink, and that one drink was the last thing I remember. From then on it was like looking back at glimpses of a nightmare. I caught a glimpse of me laying there, watching as my bestfriends almost lifeless looking body was laying on a bed as one of the boys got on top of her and pulled her dress up. Somehow I managed to scream/cry out for him to please use a condom. I had no idea what was going on. The next glimpse I had was of me going to puke in the shower. And then the “cute” guy said I “shouldn’t leave because he will take care of me”. I said I wanted to leave with my friend. That I’m a virgin. But that didn’t seem to matter. I woke up in his bed to the sound of a knock at the door. It was my best friends dad, how did he find me? Where was I? I noticed in horror that I had no pants on. What had happened? I didn’t even wake the boy up, I went down, somehow found my purse, and left the room not even bothering to look for my shoes. I wanted to get out of there. And wake up from this nightmare. We left the cruise ship that morning. I found out that a girl had taken my friend to our room where she got sick. She had no idea what had happened. I told her all what I remembered and we cried for 20 minutes in a bathroom stall. The second I got home, I bought plan B from the pharmacy, took it in a Mcdonald’s parking lot and threw the wrapper out before heading home. I never told anyone about what happened.
    I never considered it rape until now. I kind of like to pretend that it was just a nightmare. That the whole trip didn’t happen. That maybe he was just as drunk as I was and so it wasn’t his fault. Rape is such a controversial thing when drinking is involved, but all I know is that I can’t avoid what happened any longer. Because it has affected every relationship I’ve tried to have with a guy. I’m now 20 years old and have still never come close to a serious relationship, because the truth is I’m terrified. Was this all my fault?

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    1. EC. No this was not your fault! And it sounds like you both were drugged and definitely raped. And until you get the counseling you need it will continue to affect your life adversely. Many people try and push it away and forget but that just isn’t how it works. Rape is like your shadow that you can never run from and until you face it head on and learn to deal with it your past will continue to haunt you. Counseling isn’t easy but it is a lot easier than what you’ve been through. And you shouldn’t get into a relationship until you do get the proper counseling. Because any man you decide to have a sexual relationship with you are going to need to tell him you are a survivor BEFORE sex. You do not need to give any details just let him know you are a rape survivor. I know you think this is crazy but he needs to know to be empathetic if and when you have issues. And you need to know he truly cares about you and cares enough to stay with you knowing this information. Some aren’t in it for the right reasons and you may tell them and they run, but it’s better that you know that BEFORE sex NOT after especially if you are getting attached. AND if he doesn’t run then that will make you feel so much better because you know he truly does care and is staying with you and will most likely support you in the ways you need. Also when you have this conversation you must let them know that you are in counseling for it, that way they don’t think you are looking at them to help heal you. Instead you are taking care of yourself and that shows them you are getting professional help that they can’t give (that takes the pressure off them). Just remember the first step is to truly beleive that this IN NO WAY was your fault. Just because you trusted someone or even had a drink doesn’t justify rape, NOTHING does!! So now go get the counseling you need. You and your future are worth it. Stay strong! Lynn

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  34. I was raped last year. It was by this guy that I really liked. I felt like I really led him on. He was really drunk that night. When he came over I thought we would just hang out and that would be it. We were in a public place but it was dark. I honestly thought nothing would happen. I told him no over and over but he didn’t take no for an answer. When it started I remembered a quote by some awful European dictator saying basically if rape was imminent you might as well get it over and done with. When it started I just remembered thinking- you might as well go along with this because you don’t want to be a rape victim. But I didn’t want it to happen in the first place. I don’t understand why he didn’t stop when I said ‘no’. I was so depressed at the end of last year. Now I just feel awful. I have seen a few counsellors but I feel like once the hour is over I go back home, sit in my house and everything goes back to how it was. I’m not suicidal, but I think a lot about how much easier it would be to die. He stayed in touch for a while & told me I wanted it even if I said I didn’t. Sometimes he still texts. I am dating this guy at the moment and sometimes I just feel so claustrophobic. I get so stressed about sex, and what he thinks of me seems to matter a lot more. I haven’t told him what happened but a few times we have been fooling around and I have stopped to cry. The worst thing is that I could imagine his face if I had reported it straight afterwards. He literally wouldn’t have been able to believe it because somehow me saying no equivocated a yes. I am so tired, I have told a few friends but the burden still feels so heavy. I really don’t get how I can do it anymore.

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    1. ACA, I need you to do 3 things for me and I really think it will help you, #1) don’t give up on your counseling or yourself, #2) stop blaming yourself, which means forgive yourself. You did nothing wrong, you said no and he didn’t listen and disrespected you. This is totally on him not you. Forgive yourself for not turning him in too. And #3) STOP texting, talking communicated in any way with him. Change your number, immediately. Every time he contacts you it takes you a step back in your recovery. Let me explain to you that rape is about control, NOT you. And this guy still thinks he is control because you are letting him. I know this is not intentional because you probably didn’t realize this so don’t beat yourself up over it. You MUST change your number and this is a big step in taking back control. The second step is to try and stop living in the past. It can not be changed and you have absolutely no control over the past. The only control you have is of your future. And everyday that goes by that you let this affect your emotions, HE IS STILL IN CONTROL OF YOU! Don’t you think he has taken enough of your life? Don’t let him have another minute. Stand up tall and tell yourself “this does not define me, only him as a rapist”. Take care of yourself and set goals of how you want your future to be and take baby steps everyday to get there. Tell yourself “I’m in control NOT him” and prove it to yourself everyday. Write that down on sticky notes and put it in your car on you mirror wherever so you repeat it yourself all the time. This really does work I promise. You will feel stronger and more positive. As far as relationships I personally don’t think you need to be in one right now. But if you feel the need to have someone there you MUST tell them you are a rape survivor. You DO NOT go into details only that you are a survivor and would appreciate their empathy when needed. Ask them to be your rock but also tell them you don’t expect them to heal you that is what you are going to counseling for. That way they understand what is going on but at the same time you are taking the pressure off them if they don’t know what to say or do. And that also tells them you are being strong and getting the appropriate help you need. Stay strong! Lynn

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  35. I was raped by the boyfriend of a family member for the first time on January 1st 2012, and then multiple times since then for around 10 months before I told someone about it. I was 16 at the time it started and now I am 17. My life went on a downward spiral since then though. I had started drinking because it seemed to be the only way that I could deal with it, but after people found out, I had to stop. I have been going to a therapist to try to help deal with the feelings, but I had repressed them because I didnt want to deal with it. They are starting to come back though and it has started to stress me out more. I have been wanting to start drinking again from the stress. My family is torn because they all love him and dont want to believe that he would do anything like that. I dont know what to do anymore. It has been about 7 months since the last time that he raped me, but I feel as though he still has his control over my life. I cant go a day without crying because I am lost and dont know what to do. Im supposed to leave for college in a few months, but the school Im going to go to is only 10 minutes away from his house. Im very scared about this, and I have a feeling that I will never be able to get my control back or get over being raped..

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    1. AM. The first thing you need to do is protect yourself. Because if your family is on his side then he definitely feel slike he is still in control. The very first thing I’d be doing outside of counseling is taking self defense classes. Then IF he tries it again you will be able to kick the shit out of him. He won’t expect it and when he is hurt you can tell your family that you did it and then maybe they would believe you. Obviously this is ONLY if he tries to hurt you again. I would also get a stun gun which you can purchase off the internet for $30 to $50 dollars. I have one myself and they are smaller about the size of a cell phone. But this shouldn’t replace the self defense class. That will give you a sense of security and help build your self esteem. Carry your stun gun with you at all times and make sure you get the one that has a pin in it on the wrist ban. That way when you have it wrapped around your wrist if someone was to try and pull it away from you the pin comes out and it won’t work. No one can ever use it on you. If you see him EVER at your college I would immediately go to a school guidance counselor and let them know. I hope with all this advice that he never gets away with it again BUT god forbid he does report him, save your clothes any evidence and report him because you have told your parents and they can back you up that you have in fact told them that he has done this whether or not they believe you. Once you have the evidence I don’t think they are going to lie to the police. Stay strong and stay in counseling. Lynn

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  36. I was in a situation where I told him to stop but he kept insisting that it was ok. He was rough and bruised my neck with bites. If I struggled or didn’t respond how he wanted me to he would just bite harder. I guess what I’m really trying to ask is, is it rape if I didn’t fight back? I wasn’t strong enough to push him off and it just seemed to make it worse..

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    1. A girl. Absolutely this was rape. You aren’t the only one that hasn’t fought back, there are many many of us that don’t fight back because we are in survival mode. If a person is capable of rape, they are capable of doing worse especially if things don’t go their way. Just like in your situation. So please don’t feel bad that you didn’t fight back because you were trying to not get hurt any worse. You need to get counseling for this and the sooner the better. The longer you wait the longer it takes to heal. I promise you this isn’t something you can try and forget or push down and not think about it. It will rear it’s ugly head at some point and affect your life in so many detrimental ways. So get the counseling you need so that doesn’t happen. Stay strong! Lynn

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  37. my girlfriend and i were at at party, we were both high, i was one of the only people cool to drive and i left to pick somebody up leaving my girlfriend there, she was fine she was sitting in a chair and didnt want to move so i left her there i said id be right backo, i thought it would be quick, while i was gone a fight broke out and she ran she said she had to ge taway, she gt into a car with people she didnt know. i managed to get a hold of her while she was in the car. they were all just “chiling at circle k” i rushed there and by the time i got there she was gone. a friend a i managed to track her down at somebody house about an hour or two later, she was just laying there with her eyes wide open, i souldve known i shouldve taken her to the police right then and there, i might have been in denial, i dont know, i took her back to my house and we went to sleep, the next morning we woke up and had sex, she said she didnt feel like it at first , just once i said are you sure you dont want to, she said we could, so we dd, i dont know why ididnt see it, i could tell someting was worng after, we got into a fight aand she left, after she left she sent me a text saying three maybe four guys held her down that night and raped her in the car, i blame myself i shouldve made her come with me, i shouldve stayed there i dont know what to do i just keep going over everything in my head wishing i could take it from her just wishing to go back and make her come with me. i dont know what to do i need help, we both do.. shes becoming introverted, shes just trying to act like shes all right around everybody but me, shes just trying to forget.. please i need help, i need advice on what to do

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    1. Wa, First I would suggest getting her to a doctor and getting checked out. Then I suggest getting her to counseling HOWEVER all you can do is suggest it. She has to go when she is ready and if she is trying to act like it didn’t happen then she probably isn’t ready. She is going to have to admit to herself that this happened and she needs help. Keep an eye on her that she doesn’t start doing to many drugs or drinking heavily. if she does explain to her that this only masked the problem and it will still be there in the morning and she most likely will be more depressed. Bring her to this site so she can read ways to help herself as well as the other posts.. the other posts will show her that rape is never forgotten and the longer you suppress your feelings the longer it takes to heal. Also I would not be having sex with her unless she requests it and even then I would be careful emotionally and use protection until she gets an OK from the doctor. As far as you, just be her rock. If she needs space give it to her. If she needs a shoulder to cry on be there. But you need to understand that you can not heal her, only through professional counseling (when she is ready) will she heal. Just have empathy towards her and respect her wishes. Stay strong! Lynn

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  38. I was molested when I was a 11 by someone younger than I was. I blocked it out until high school and I have never really fully dealt with it, but I think I coped pretty well. Last year on June 2, 2012 I was at a college party and I was drinking and after 2 beers I blacked out. All I can remember is 2 seconds of the rape when I tried to push him off, but blacked out again. The next thing I know I’m in my car driving home. I have only talked to one person about this and has insisted that I at least talk to a professional. I think I have been doing really well since, but every time someone touches me unexpectedly the flashbacks of that night start up and it makes me feel like a crazy person. But I accept it happened and I have been dealing with it on a daily basis telling myself it’s okay and I have stopped drinking all together and attending parties. I guess I want to know if it is really worth seeing a professional, I’ve read many things online on how to cope and have tried most. But this is one thing I really don’t want to do, because I don’t like talking about it. Any help would be awesome. Thanks for the site by the way.

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    1. JA, It is absolutely positively necessary for you to seek professional counseling. I promise you will be glad you did. It’s not easy but it isn’t as hard as it creeping up on you when you least expect it and affecting all facets of your life. Counseling is the one thing you MUST do to ensure a happy future and successful relationships. You are thinking about dealing right now but you have to think about how it will affect your future going forward. You have some deep issues with the young molestation and you need to think about how it will affect you when you have kids of your own. All these things come into play and with the right counseling you will know you did the right thing. Something I can tell you from experience is you have to let it out to have room to heal. So not talking is the worst thing you can do. Good luck stay strong! Lynn

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  39. I am a 19 year old freshman in college. A few nights ago I was raped. My friends and I decided to go to the frat houses to go to parties all night long. We drank at least two bottles of vodka and were given drinks as well. I was on the verge of blacking out that night because I had so much to drink. My friend and I were too drunk to drive back to our place so we decided to stay at her boyfriend’s dorm because it was closer. We couldn’t seem to find our way back to the dorm so we called his roommate to come walk us back to the dorm. My friend’s boyfriend wasn’t there so it was just me, my friend, and his roommate. He was aware of how drunk we were. Once we got to the dorm, my friend passed out in her boyfriend’s bed. I had a cut on my leg and asked the roommate if he had hydrogen peroxide to clean my cut. He said to follow him so I went with him to his room. Before I knew it, he pulled off all of my clothes and was laying on top of me. I kept trying to say stop and tried to leave multiple times, but I was too intoxicated to get away and get this guy off of me. He overpowered me and I couldn’t do anything about it. The last thing that I remember from that night was shoving my face into the pillow and crying while he raped me. I’m assuming that I passed out after that. When I woke up in the morning, I was in my clothes and I was by myself in the guy’s bed. As soon as I woke up, I grabbed my stuff and left. This incident has traumatized me. There isn’t any way that I can put my feelings into words. I need advice on how to cope with this incident.

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    1. K. If you haven’t washed your clothes DON’T! I would go straight to the police with your clothes because they will have DNA on them. You also need to tell the campus police. I guarantee this isn’t the first time and won’t be the last and you need to protect yourself and others. If you have any bruises still take a picture, if not go to the doctor and ask for an exam. Even if you’ve washed yourself there could be tears down there or other evidence that it was against your will. Let me explain something to you. Rape is about control NOT you, and when you don’t report it they feel they are still in control and will try it again whether or not it is with you, they know they can get away because it is your word against his. However you don’t know that he hasn’t been reported before. They might just need someone to step up OR if he hasn’t been at least everyone will be on alert. The next step is to counseling, whether or not you decide to turn him in this is a necessary step for you to heal. You can read through all the posts and it doesn’t matter how much time goes by it always affects them and their life at one point or another without counseling. Also the sooner you get it the sooner you get your life back. The longer you wait the longer it takes. Now I DO NOT want you to feel ashamed because rape doesn’t define you, only the person that did this to you as a rapist. So don’t walk, run to the police. Make sure you have a friend or family member that will support you no matter what and someone you can turn to day or night in between counseling. Make sure this person is dependable and trustworthy of what you tell them. I would also recommend getting a stun gun to carry around, you can get one from $30 to $50 bucks. You might want to consider a self defense class as well. I just don’t want you to be ashamed because you didn’t do anything wrong other than trust someone. So don’t carry the burden on your shoulders. Stick up for yourself and others girls and let him feel the burden of his actions by going to the police. And whatever you take care of yourself with counseling and protect yourself. Stay strong! Lynn

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  40. I was raped by my couson on 2011 December i cant get over it, it just feels new and hard to deal with, i tried killing my self several times bu i failed, i never thought that will ever happen in my family

    it was’nt my first time thpugh it was my 7th time i seems to find it hard to deal with this i will live with it for my entire life, being gang raped is a worst part ever that just make my mind shut down, and hate myself more

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    1. P. I’m so sorry that you are going through this but you need to get counseling. You can call your local crisis center or you can go to rainn.org and find a counselor near you. If you are underage go to your school counselor and see if they can help. You have several ways to get help, even the suicide hotline, just don’t give up on yourself. Sometimes the crisis center offers group counseling for free and the reason I suggest that is that you will find lifelong friends there that understand what you are going through and can help. You will find someone that you can call anytime and will be there for you. Just know your life is worth living, even though I know it doesn’t seem like it right now. The more you hurt yourself the more they win and they don’t deserve to win. But YOU DO DESERVE a GOOD LIFE. But you do have to work at it. Just don’t give up. Find someone you trust, confide in them and ask for their help. You can do it, I know you can. I’m glad you came here to ask for help. Now go and try and get it. The sooner you do the sooner help will come and I promise you will feel better. You are worthy of a good life so please don’t give up. Stay strong! Lynn

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  41. So i had this guy over and it was our first time hanging out and everything was good but about 30 minutes in he tried kissing me and at first I resisted but then I ended up kissing him. We made out for a little while and he kept trying to put his pants up my dress and i kept saying no and he kept trying to the point where i had to push hard to get his hand off of me. we were standing up and he pushed me on the bed and we started making out again, little did I know he took his dick out. Once I realized it was out I told him no do not put it in me and he agreed. We were making out again and getting into the moment he took advantage. He put his dick inside me and when i realized it I told him to stop and get it out. since he was on top there was no way to push him off me. he laughed and said just give me a couple more minutes. i told him no but he didnt stop. So i told him to at least put a condom on and he still wouldnt stop. he kept at it until he finished. Now I feel helpless and confused and crushed cause I did not want this to happen. I dont know what to do. Is this even considered rape?

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    1. A. Absolutely yes this is rape. Reason is you said no to intercourse the entire time and tried to get him to stop. You never wavered from saying no to intercourse. People can make out and go to second or third base but if you don’t want intercourse and made it perfectly clear before during and after then this is rape. And I know you were trying to get him to stop when you told him to put a condom on. You should report this and if you have any clothes or evidence with dna keep it and take it to the cops. If you don’t want to report it at the very least make sure you are safe from this guy and get counseling. Change your phone number if he has it and get a stun gun. I would also recommend self defense classes as well to make sure this never happens to you again. Make sure to stay as far away from this guy as possible because if he thinks he got away with it he may try again. Stay strong! Lynn

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  42. Hi, I have been seeking counseling on and off for three years…haven t been able to completely free myself from the mental torment and pain. I m a Christian which has helped me greatly in my healing…I didn’t think I’d have to do counseling after choosing to go away for right months to a ministry for girls who deal with life controlling issues…this was a year and a half ago… I just feel ashamed I m still stuck in my past…rape that happened eight years ago…I de died to try counseling again and am going this week. I’m just nervous because I’m really trying to have hope and don t want to be stuck anymore. Is it normal to feel confused and just scattered…I feel like my brain is mush..

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  43. Sorry for some of the misspelling! I was away for eight months*** and I m trying counseling again**** also, a guy friend of mine knows about my past and accepts me for me…I told him yesterday I was struggling and I asked for his prayers… He responded saying absolutely. I wish I knew what to say. Absolutely I will pray for u. I didn’t want to tell him I was having a hard time again because I still want to hang out and now I feel like he won t kno how to go about it….he’s a great guy…I’m. BAd at this stuff..

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    1. M. I’m glad you are going back to counseling and that you also have a friend that accepts you and what you’ve been through. You need to believe that the rape doesn’t define you and that anyone should accept you as you’ve done nothing wrong. Everyone is different in how long it takes to heal and yes it is normal to feel confused. Maybe if you look at it like this it will help. Rape is about control NOT you and everyday that goes by that you are upset or it ruins your day, affects you negatively this person that raped you is still in control because it dictates your emotions. Why live in a past that can’t be changed? Why let this person have one more second of your life. Look forward and concentrate on what you want and take baby steps to get there. The minute you walk into counseling you are taking back control of your life and not giving this rape another minute because this person has taken enough already. Start thinking of how you want your future to be and take back control of your life. You are worthy of a good life and it will come but you have to stay focused on your future. Stay strong! Lynn

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  44. i was dating a guy in college and found out i was pregnant shortly after the breakup. and after he denied the baby being his for a few weeks i had a micarriage and we didnt speak for a few more weeks. he came over to talk about it all and discovered i was interested in a guy he hated. he kept asking me if i was “active” with the new guy and kept insisting i belonged to him. that turned into him forcing himself on me to prove a point. initailly i fought back but it was just making him more aggressive so i stopped fighting. i was pretty beat up afterwards and went to the police then dropped it all a shortly after and never dealt with it. i spiraled out of classes into alcohol and eventually left school. i thought i was fine and met my current bf. i am 5 months with his baby and yesterday bumped into “him.” literally bumped into him. so he caught me by my waist to catch me and slid his hand acrossed my pregnant belly and its broughht up all of the emotions i though i dealt with already. i feel violated and helpless and alone. and everytime something reminds me of it, i spiral off into depression. i think i need help, i thought i had it under control

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    1. C. I’m glad you have reached out for help because yes you do need it through professional counseling. Especially if you live somewhere where you can bump into him. If you are still in college you can go to your guidance counselor and or a local crisis center or through your own personal insurance. The last thing you need at 5 months pregnant is dealing with this on your own. You could even try group counseling where you will build life long friendships and usually these are easy to find through colleges or the crisis center. Everyone thinks they can just “get over it” but the days you aren’t dealing are the days it goes deeper inside. You have to let out your emotions and feelings in order to heal. The deeper you push them down the longer it takes to heal and they typically come out when you least expect it or want it too and it’s uncontrollable. Then you feel right back at square one. So read through the website on different ways to help cope if you haven’t already BUT none of these replace the fact that you need counseling. Stay strong! Lynn

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  45. Thank you for your tips. I have only spoken about being raped to a handful of people in my life. I am 38 and was 17 at the time. I was saving myself for marriage. That was very important to me. After the guy raped me, I don’t know if my mind wasn’t able to process it or what, but it was like I forgot about it. Maybe I wanted to believe it didn’t happen. I didn’t know how to face it. I remembered a few months later when I was hanging out with some friends. I started bawling and my good friend Angel asked me what was up. And I just started telling her everything. I can’t even tell you why I did. I was never going to talk about it to anyone EVER. She told her boyfriend and he took his best friend, found the guy and beat the crap out of him. After that I thought I could go on, but I honestly never delt with the rape. I just put it behind me because I thought that was the only way to deal with it. I didn’t talk about it again until I was married for 6 years. It didn’t even seem to effect him when I told him and he had no anwers for me. And I think this website is the first time I have had a clue as to how to deal with what happened to me 21 years ago. So, thank you for this.

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    1. S. I’m glad I could help but the best way to help yourself is through counseling. I’m glad you told your husband as he must have empathy for your situation but at the same time he doesn’t know how to help. A lot of time our loved ones don’t know and prefer not to talk about it because it hurts them and they don’t want to bring it up so as not to hurt you as well. It’s just ignorance because when we need to talk we need to talk. That being said the only people that truly know how to help are other survivors or professionals, which is why you should go to therapy. It also takes the burden of our loved ones since they don’t know how to help anyway. Just let him know you need him to be your rock and that’s it and that you are going to help yourself. But as you can see trying to forget doesn’t work nor does sweeping under the rug. It’s like a shadow and you can’t run from it. We must face it head on through therapy to make sure it doesn’t haunt us. Take care and stay strong! Lynn

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  46. I can’t tell if I was raped or not, because it feels like my fault. I’m 16 and it happened with a 28 year old who crashed himself to the party.
    I’m finding this really hard to deal with, and I’ve only told a few people about this. This is the first time that I’ve told the whole story. There is not one day where I don’t get upset about this, I don’t trust boys what so ever, I can’t be in tight spaces with guys otherwise I panic, I’ve become really claustrophobic, and especially around guys. I feel like I want to cry, but I can’t. I feel like I’m suffocating, and it’s getting harder to breath because as time goes by more and more, the more I remember it and have more flash backs on it. I feel absolutely disgusting, a lot. I can’t be around guys by myself because I’m scared they are going to do something.

    The night this happened was only a few months ago, I can’t remember which month it was because I can’t make myself work out when it actually was, due to being emotional.
    That night, I came with my best friend to attend my guy-friend’s, brother’s 21st party. That night I drank, probably about, half a bottle of vodka, and a few beers. The guy introduced himself to me as “Reece”, he seemed really nice and friendly, because I was really keen to make new friends. As the night went on, he eventually hooked up with me. I do not remember much because I was drunk, but I remember him saying “let’s go somewhere quiet to talk”. He helped me walk to the end of the street where we sat and talked, he let me smoke his cigarettes, and continue making out. He told me how his house was really close and was only down the road, and we should go there. I didn’t want to go there at first, but he convinced me eventually. I made him promise me that we were not going to have sex, that he was only going to finger me and maybe a little more but we were NOT to have sex. He agreed and told me to trust me because he would never do that to me, he told me how his sister has been raped and that he could never do that to a girl. He helped me up, and he helped me walk down the street eventually to his house, he let me in because I needed the toilet really badly. I came out of the toilet after doing my business, and I wanted to go back to the party. He said he would drive me back. We went outside, was about to get into his truck when he started making out with me and eventually I was giving him head. I accidentally laid back onto the seat but I couldn’t get up because I was so drunk. He pulled my pants down and he was just licking me out, I was fine with that cause it felt nice. Then, he pulled down his pants, then he put himself inside me. He just did it, and I didn’t say anything, didn’t do anything, because I was so drunk. After I told him I didn’t want to, he did it. He didn’t even use protection. After he was done, he ended up driving me back to the party and he told lots of people there that “he had sex with me”. As soon as I got back to the party I tried to avoid him at every cost, I was crying to one of my friend’s there about what happened.
    Ever since then, there’s been rumors about me going around, people think I had sex with him, but I never wanted to have sex with him. I’m so hurt by this because I didn’t do anything to stop it. I feel disgusting, and I feel like I have no control over myself anymore because he just did it to please himself and I couldn’t do anything about it.
    So, this is my story. And I don’t know if that was rape, but I just hope it stops haunting me because I feel disgusting. 😦

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    1. P. You are very brave for sharing your story and obviously are ready to talk about it and that is a good sign, which is why you need to get to counseling. What I do know and believe based on what you’ve said is that this is rape. Anyone can go as far as they want sexually and stop when they want. You made it very clear you did not want to have intercourse. You even went as far as saying what was OK. It is your body and you did not give him permission to have sex. So this is rape. The fact that he did that to you when you were so inebriated means he knew exactly what he was doing, which unfortunately happens a lot. So stop beating yourself up because you were very clear and he took advantage of the situation. Get some counseling because I think you are ready for professional help. Also if you haven’t been checked out by the doctor yet, you need to. Stay strong! Lynn

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  47. My mom went to jail when I was around 7 and my dad wasnt there for me so I lived with my grandma and my aunt. My aunt was disabled from a drinking and driving accident and wasnt able to walk or use her right hand so my grandma had taken care of her and her son Michael who lived with us as well. He was always a troubled child but he’s my cousin and I love him. My grandma is my hero but unfortunately she passed away from cancer a year ago. I am now currently 18 and have never told a soul this mostly because part of me feels as if it would only cause more trouble and stress but I do think about it alot and feel as if it might be a cause for my cutting and suicidal behavior. One day when it was only my aunt home my cousin took me into his room and played his music very loud it was tupac cause I remember he had a poster of it on his wall as well and I barely remember it but what I do remember is me under him underneathe his bed and he raped me. Part of me always thinks it was just a bad dream it’s 11 years later and I still have never told anybody both my grandma and aunt are dead and my cousin is currently a herion addict in prison. I started self harming around the age 12 and I haven’t stopped since I use to want to just die I tried to hang myself and alot of other options I’ve explored but they seem to never work I stopped cuting for a good 4 months but it seems to always come back to that.

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    1. A. The reason it keeps coming back to self harm is because you never got the proper counseling. Rape is like a shadow that you can’t run from, it is always with us. The only way to break your harmful cycle is to face the rape head on and deal with it. You’ve been doing this since you were 12 and whatever you’ve been doing isn’t working so please try what I know works and it’s counseling. I believe the reason your suicides didn’t work is because you should be on this earth. This rape doesn’t define you, you did nothing wrong, therefore you deserve to be here. So if you want this vicious cycle to stop please help yourself through counseling. I promise you can and will have the life you deserve but you MUST work for it. You are only 18 and have your entire adult life in front of you. Let me ask you a question, “If this was your daughter and the exact thing happened to her, what would you do?” You would get her help, right? You are so deserving of a beautiful life and you can have it, but again you have to work for it. So call your local crisis center and tell them you need help getting counseling. If that doesn’t work go to rainn.org and try and find a counselor through them. And stop hurting yourself because you shouldn’t take the blame and burden for what someone else did to you. Everyday that you think of hurting yourself then your cousin is still in control. Take the control back by never letting him hurt you again and getting the help you need. You are worth it! Stay strong! Lynn

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  48. I am 17 years old and when i was 16 i was raped by someone who i thought i knew very well. He’s alot older then me about 26. I looked at him as a brother. When i was 15 he started making odd comments to me like if i could hold your hand for the rest of my life i would and stuff like that. Then it led to him forcing himself on kissing me and trying to touch me. I would always tell him to stop that it was weird and i looked at him as a brother. May i remind you hes married and started doing this while his wife was prego with their only daughter. So anyways he started all this stuff and told me one day how he wanted to make love to me (i live in the house with him at the time me and my sister do) i told him it was very inappropriate and to never say that to me again. Well he said if i dont get it from you ill get it from someone else(my sister). I told him if he touched me or my sister he would go to prison. Well when i turn 16 i moved back into the house. A household of 12. Well we all decided to play beer pong one night and also had hard liquor and everyone got drunk and passed out well he decided to keep me up cause he said he couldn’t sleep so when the sun started to rise he told me lets go smoke a cigarette on the roof. So i did and then he grabbed me and set me on his lap squeezing my arms and said firmly dont move. I started saying his name and begging him not to. Well he did it any way. All i remember is crying and begging him to please stop. Noone knows except my sister my cousin and my bf. and my bf i cant talk to about it because he thinks i let it happen because he knows the person who did it. He moved away but still to this day i live in the same house where it happend and i live with his in laws and his wife and daughter and they don’t know i feel so bad like it was my fault like how could I let this happen to me. Im scared to tell my mom because she was raped a few time when she was young and they would get kicked out and have nowhere to go and my brothers would try to kill him. I dont know what to do i have no one to talk to ive held all of this in for a year now.

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    1. Unknown. You obviously are ready for help because you are hear. Is there anyway you can get counseling? Try and contact your local crisis center (hopefully you have one). Let them know your age and that you need counseling for a rape. They should be able to work with you. If you don’t have a local crisis center, can you go to a counselor at school because they should be able to recommend someone for you as well. Then there is always rainn.org you can contact them tell them your age and ask for assistance. I know you feel weak right now but the fact that you are here trying to get help means you are being strong. So hopefully one of these suggestions work out. Also if there is any indication this guy might come back I would totally keep your distance as much as possible, like maybe stay with a friend while he is there. Because I’m worried that since he did not get in trouble that he thinks he got away with it. When rapists feel they got away with it they still feel in control and it is very possible they will do it again, maybe with you or with someone else. So be very prepared if there is even a chance that he comes back. Maybe you can even take a self defense class. But the most important thing is to get the professional help you need and it should be a lot easier before you turn 18 because of your age. Stay strong! Lynn

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  49. I was recently raped by a person I considered to be my friend. We went out for drinks and invited a few friends to join. We went to a few bars and toward the end of the night I told him that I wanted to go home. He told me that we were going back to his place to meet a friend that was out with us that same night. I did not think anything of it because we use to be roommates and I trusted him. once we got to the house he offered me something to eat and some water to settle my stomach but none of that worked fast enough for me so he told me I could lay down in his room until it was time to go. Next thing I know he’s on top of me at 5 in the morning and everyone is gone.

    I have not told anyone because I am afraid of what will happen to me and my exfriend. I have a hard time expressing things and for this to happen is devastating. I find myself zoned out and I want to cry and run to the cops but I cant. We were friends for so long and for him to do something like this hurts. I have a boyfriend and the hardest thing for me to do is look at him because I want him to hold me and tell me I am going to be ok but I cannot tell him what happen to me.

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    1. M. Why are you afraid of what will happen to your exfriend? The best thing you can do is get as far away from him as possible and stay away. If he doesn’t then I would consider telling your boyfriend. Hopefully he will leave you alone but if he doesn’t tell him you still have your clothes from that night wrapped up because it has his dna on them and if he doesn’t leave you alone you will go to the police. Which personally I would consider anyway, but understand if you don’t want to. If you do decide to tell your boyfriend you don’t need to go into details just tell him that you were raped. I would also get into counseling and if your boyfriend does know at least he will believe you because you are trying to help yourself, which you should definitely so anyway. And the counselor is the only one that needs to know the details. Also without counseling this is just going to build up between you and your boyfriend and ultimately eat away at you. the reason I need you to stay as far away from this guy (change your number, whatever it takes) is because when rapists don’t get into trouble they feel they still have control and can possibly try it again. Maybe even take a self defense class. But whatever you do don’t talk to him, don’t let him try and tell you it was the alcohol because that’s bullshit. Don’t give him another second so he knows you are serious. and most importantly get into counseling. Stay strong! Lynn

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  50. I was molested when I was a child. I have been coping with it and leading a perfectly good life except when there’s some extra stress and everything would come out and I would cry for hours but be fine after because my family would be there and it wouldn’t happen often. However now that I’m alone and constantly under stress from studies and money issues, I just don’t have a handle on it anymore. It has cost me two semesters and I am just so tired. I haven’t told anyone. I don’t want to tell anyone but I need help learning how to heal myself because for the first time in ages I’ve thought about leaving this world and the fact that I’m back at that stage hurts me even more.

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    1. A. I think this site is proof that no one can heal themselves. Yes there are things and ideas to help you cope but if you look through all these posts no one has done it on their own. You need to seek professional counseling. You have nothing to be ashamed of and I promise you it works when you have a good counselor. If it is haunting you this bad please just get the counseling you need. It’s not easy but you and your life are worth it. Do you have any animals? You said you were alone, consider rescuing a dog or cat for some companionship. It may sound crazy but it works. Rescue animals know it and will give you so much love back. Just an idea. Try yoga too it really works and calms you down. If you have anxiety before bed it’s awesome before bed. But the counseling is a MUST! Stay strong! Lynn

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