You are not alone…..

If you’re feeling lost and looking for some inspiration or would like to talk with someone that will not pass judgment on you, please feel free to contact me by leaving a comment at the end of this post. Posts are kept anonymous. Definitely take a minute to check out all the content. Is your rape controlling you? Well this website is to help YOU GET BACK IN CONTROL. It is to offer anonymous, encouraging ideas which can hopefully help rape survivors deal with their emotions, which is a necessary process in order to start the healing process. I thought as a survivor, with a year of personal counseling under my belt, and currently a rape counselor (my purpose in life now) why not share what I’ve learned with those in need. I know as a survivor the variety of mixed emotions, that can seem almost impossible to deal with at times, that affect you in your everyday life. As a counselor for 5 years I’ve also been exposed to a lot of different situations and types of rape. Please know you are not alone and you don’t have to be!.

763 thoughts on “You are not alone…..”

  1. It only happened 4 nights ago and I’m not coping well.

    I went to a different city where I don’t really know anyone. I was meeting up with a (female) former friend from University. I hadn’t seen her in about 5 years. We always had similar interests but I kept my distance because I didn’t think she was a good person (she had stolen from me in the pas, spread rumors about me etc). She had never been this city before but I had. I had came out of a long term relationship (6 years) and after a few flings decided to not have sex until I meet someone I really care about. So up until the incident I had been one hundred per cent celibate for sixteen months. I wanted to be in control and I only wanted to sleep with someone when it meant something not just when drunk and horny. All my friends knew of this and used to call me “the nun”. My friend had recently came out as a lesbian, which I supported her in her decision and was happy she was being honest with herself. I didn’t tell anyone I was going to this city as I had my first week on my masters degree and my parents would go crazy at this.

    So we met and she started drinking heavily. I decided against doing so as we were in a place where we knew few people and I didn’t trust that she would be there for me if I was drunk. We left our hotel at 7pm to go to a concert, which didn’t serve alcohol. After which we went back to our hotel to shower, change etc. She poured me some very large drinks, which stupidly I drank.

    We went to the first bar and again she kept buying me drinks but there was a good atmosphere and I started to feel a little “merry”. Then however, I noticed she was kinda trying to set me up with much older men (I’m 25), despite her knowing of my sex-ban and my reluctance to get involved with a man, any man in general. I kind of had to fend off the guys as we were the only young females in the bar at that time.

    We moved on to the nightclub and at this stage my friend had been talking to two guys. One a tall, older guy, approx. 40, named “Jake” and another who had kind of tagged along with us to the club, called “Mark”. I didn’t really like either so I chatted to girls who I saw with the band t-shirt of the concert we were just at. My friend was laughing and hanging out with these guys. Then Mark approached me, he too was approx 45. He told me that he was going to “ride me” that night and that he couldn’t wait to get me naked. I laughed it off at first and when he continued to say this and grab me I told him to back off and that there was no way in hell it would happen, the other guy Jake was in the background as this happened. Mark kept persisting and Jake came to the rescue telling Mark that we were a couple and that we had just from Vegas, where we got married. I went along with the lie as I was very freaked out. Then Jake told me that no-one would mess with me if they thought I were “his” and kept his arm around me. Everyone in the club seemed to know him and respect him. He kissed me and I kissed him back, but then I stopped and explained I wasn’t in a good head space and I didn’t want to kiss him.

    I walked away towards the ladies toilet and I looked back. As I looked back I saw Mark kissing my friend. I decided it was time to leave. I went to the toilet and when I exited it, Jake was waiting for me telling me that my friend had been kicked out of the club, (she had the ticket for my brand new leather jacket). Jake waded over to the cloakroom and kind of frightened the girl into giving me my jacket. I didn’t like this. I thanked him for his help and began to ring my friend. She didn’t answer. She had my purse and all my money so I couldn’t get a taxi back to our hotel, I was worried about her. I also had a long walk back to the hotel.

    Jake offered to walk me back, I declined but he insisted giving me his jacket to wear as I was cold. We began to walk and he tried to hold my hand I told him again that I wasn’t interested. He began to call me his wife and that I belonged to him and that I was put on this earth for him. This freaked me out so I ran away. I took a longer route to the hotel but I thought I was safe as I hadn’t told him the name of our hotel or our room number. When I got back to the hotel room it was dark. I found my way in the dark to wear my friend was fast asleep with her earphones in and headphones on. (In our room we had a single and a double bed, before going out we had decided she would have the double) To my surprise my friend was in the single bed and all my clothes were out of my suitcase and on the double bed. I turned on the light and to my horror Jake was sitting on the bed. He explained he had missed the last train home and had no where else to go. I asked him how he got into the room, he didn’t answer and I then asked him to leave he said he would at 7 am when he could get a train home.

    After much arguing I agreed he could stay in the room if he slept on the floor. He agreed. I eventually drifted off to sleep. I was awakened to feeling his weight on top of me. I hadn’t changed out of my clothes. He pinned me down with one arm and ripped the crotch out of my tights with the other hand. He then ripped my underwear off. I begged him to stop, told him I didn’t want to, told him I hadn’t had sex in 16 months. He kissed me violently and hurt my face. he then moved one hand to my neck and began to strangle me while he aggressively bit my neck, breasts and stomach, I tried to scream out but he only choked me harder, that’s when I passes out.

    I came to naked, with him asleep on top of me. I was afraid to move and my vagina was sore. my hand to take his off my neck. It woke him. He told me that he now owned me and that I was his girlfriend. He said that my vagina, my breasts, my ass, my mouth and my soul belonged to him and only him and that he would kill any guy who even looked at me. He told me I had enjoyed the sex and that I had an orgasm. He told me I asked for it. He began to put his hands on my throat again, I cried and told him I was very sore and that I didn’t want to have sex that I never did. He said that my was saying no but my body was saying yes. He tried to prove this by touching me and I got very wet. He said this proved I wanted him I asked him to stop and tried to fight him but he strangled me again and pinned me down and entered me again, I was conscious and I cried the entire time, I most certainly did not orgasm. It continued like this two more times and then my friend woke up.

    She seemed to know Jake and they joked that my celibacy was “gone out the window”. I cried and she said “ah shut up, you were horny you got laid and now you’re guilty”. I wanted to shower but he wouldn’t let me out of the bed. When I said I wanted to shower he insisted on coming with me and forced me to give him oral sex while he fingered my anus (I had never had any type of anal sex ever).

    I asked him to leave and he said he would when he was good and ready he insisted on washing me. He wrapped me in a towel and carried me to the bed while he forced himself on me while me friend was listening to music. Eventually it was check out time. I had lied and said I was from a different city and that I was getting the train home, even though I was driving. He insisted on taking my number, I gave him an old one. He said that in his eyes we were married, that I would never want for anything and that I was the best sex he ever had. I said nothing I was numb. As he walked me to the train station, he grabbed me by the vagina in broad daylight. He said again how he owned me and how I had enjoyed it and that I just needed to let go and let him possess me. Again I said nothing but I cried. He grabbed me by the throat and kissed me very forcefully. His train was leaving so he had to go.

    I ran away from the train station and my friend. I got to my car and drove home. I cannot tell my parents because they are very Catholic and they would judge me. I feel so alone. I feel like my choice was taken off me especially since for 16 months I had chosen to not have sex. I’m so confused, my friend says that must have wanted it, and she doesn’t know how he got in the room. She said I brought it on myself. If I think back to the night, I truly believe I did nothing to lead him on or give him the impression I wanted sex with him. My university work is starting to suffer. I can’t sleep because I’m getting flashbacks. He didn’t use a condom so I got emergency contraception. I feel dirty and ashamed. Was it even rape? Was he right? Did my body want him and it ws my Catholic guilt stopping me? I really didn’t want to have sex with him, I fought him as best I could. I bit him but he only took me harder. Now I’m covered in bruises and bite marks.

    My friend has recently posted pictures on Facebook from the night out and he’ s in almost every picture with her, they look like friends. I feel like it was a set up, like she pimped me out. I’m so upset.

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    1. S. You did nothing wrong, you didn’t lead him on, you were very clear from the start so stop beating yourself up. This absolutely was rape and he obviously knew what he was doing. I can’t say if it was a set up or not but I can say that person is NOT your friend. Take pictures of all your injuries just so you have them. I’m so glad he doesn’t know where you live. You need to do a few things, first get to your doctor and get std testing done. You also need to get an aids test 6 months from now and then 1 yr. If they both come back negative you don’t need to worry. You typically will find out within 6 months but I say 2 just to be sure. Lastly, get into professional counseling. You can call your local crisis center or even your university might be able to recommend some counseling options. And if you go through your university they will understand why your studies are down also. You have nothing to be ashamed of because again you didn’t do anything wrong. This does not define you, only the person that did this to you. Rape is about control NOT you, which is why they were saying your body wanted it. That’s complete bullshit and they both knew what was going on but trying to make you feel bad for their actions, or in her case lack of actions. Don’t contact her, unfriend her on fb and stay as far away as possible. I just want you to know that again you did NOTHING wrong. Now go take care of yourself. Stay strong! Lynn

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  2. I can’t even believe that I find myself searching for help online, i’m a freshman in college and my life hasn’t even begun. Last month a couple of friends and I went to the local bars, unlike them, I drank far too much than my body could handle. I blacked out. I woke up the next morning with hundreds of outgoing calls, no underwear on, and a text on my phone saying “no hard feelings about last night” I pieced together about as much as I could because luckily my best guy friend found me walking the streets with a boy following me. He said the boy was a sophomore and seemed nice, nothing to weird. I looked back at my calls and was apparently lost for a solid hour and was calling my ex-boyfriend saying some guy was following me and my ex I guess yelled at him over the phone. But on my phone I had a picture kissing a black male and have vague memories of being in a car and being in a house? But when I woke up the next morning I didn’t ache, or hurt or even feel like I had sex, I just had a hunch that something might’ve happened after I looked through my call log and pieced together my night.I’m not positive what happened that night and probably never will be, but I took plan B just to be safe but somehow find myself a month later unable to sleep looking up self healing rape websites. Please someone help me – am I going crazy?

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    1. A. No you are not going crazy you are just trying to put the pieces together and realizing what might have happened. Do you know who sent the text “no hard feelings about last night” as they might be able to help… that is IF you really want to know. And I’d be very cautious if you don’t know them. But I would keep that text on your phone as evidence if you need it later.. It’s very hard not knowing what happened, I completely understand because to this day I have absolutely no idea what happened to me. But I had bruises all over and my vaginal lesions so that is how I knew I was raped. Did you have any type of bruising or cuts? If you had absolutely no signs other than your underwear off then maybe there wasn’t intercourse. I personally can tell when I’ve had sex (and if it was a rape I think your body would tell you that it was unwanted sex because it was force full), so if you felt like you didn’t then maybe you weren’t raped. If you can’t remember you don’t want to go through life thinking the worst. You took a plan b and you might want to get a full blown std tests just to put your mind at ease. Then move forward not thinking the worst but using this as a learning lesson. You can’t live in the past of “what ifs”. Just go to the doctor take care of yourself and focus on what you do have control over and that is your future. If you can’t get past it then I would suggest counseling. Stay strong! Lynn

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  3. Well hi,

    I don’t really know what to say but I was raped almost 4 years ago now when I was 15 by my boyfriend at the time (he was 18). One night my mum had to go out and asked him to come over and look after me and we were watching T.V. and then I had to go plug my phone in to the charger in my room and I turned around and he was standing at the door and when I went to walk out he pushed me on my bed and well yeah…

    After that I broke up with him and hadn’t seen him or heard from him in years and now I’m not sure why but he has recently moved back and keeps trying to contact me through my friends and family (most of them have no idea what happened) he sent my sister a message saying that we didn’t end on good terms and he just wants to fix that and I don’t know what to do.

    I thought I was okay with it and with everything that happened but now he has come back I find myself completely freaked out and scared, I’ve never felt like this before and I don’t know what to do or who to talk to. My mum is the only one in my family that knows and whenever I talk about it she blames herself for leaving me at home with him and she doesn’t really listen.

    I guess I just want the pain to go away and for years it did and I don’t know what to do about him trying to talk to me because he wont stop or go away.

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    1. K. First start with your mom and tell her you are scared and you need her to help protect you. I would invest in some pepper spray and/or a stun gun just to make you feel better. Also, if your sister doesn’t know tell her or at the very least tell her to let him know not to contact you again. Think about confiding in more people that you know you can trust. Have a safety plan and I would get into counseling immediately and let them know you are scared of this guy. You can get into specifics and they can help you in dealing with the past and what is going on now. Stay strong! Lynn

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  4. I know this does count as rape but I feel guilty for being so emotionally and mentally effected by it. It was one of my first times having sex, to begin with it was consensual, then I verbally and obviously removed my consent, and tried to get off him only to be held against him. This does count as rape it does. But my mind keeps telling me that I’m over reacting and that I’m being a drama queen. It’s not real rape it shouldn’t affect you. But it does, every day is a struggle since I realised what’s happened to me, I feel like I have no one to talk to.

    I tried telling my mum but rather than taking it seriously she just asked questions “But you said he was a nice boy” “you kept seeing him after” “Why is it only affecting you now?” Because I loved him then, I trusted him and I refused to accept what had happened to me. I didn’t see he was only nice when it suited him, when he could get something out of me. I was already vulnerable mentally and he took advantage.

    Also, it was on my 17th birthday, I think to myself, what self respecting person could do this to a young girl, knowing it was her birthday, a special day. It was a poisonous relationship, I was a notch on his belt as he had 6 other girls. This might sound like me saying, because he was a bad person I remove my consent now, after the incident. No, I removed it there and then at the time. I’m not going to deny there were good times, every other time I fully consented to everything we did. But one of the first times, I removed consent and he wouldn’t stop. I find it hard to cope, every day now.

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    1. K. Anytime someone forces themselves on you without your consent, it is rape. Even if it is in the middle of the act as long as you made it clear you wanted to stop. This is why you are going through the feelings you are. Rape is also about control, not you. And this guy knew he had control and he continued to control you which is why you went back. So don’t beat yourself up because this is a common practice, especially when you are/have dated them. And yes I believe you consented later because you didn’t want to admit he raped you. He acted like everything was ok which you ended up doing as well, another form of control. So now that you understand, take back the control by getting professional counseling. Maybe your mother will come around when she realizes you mean business and you want professional help to get through this. Trust me when I say if it bothers you now, you can’t imagine without the proper help how it affects other aspects in your life going forward. In the meantime of getting counseling write out your thoughts, triggers, things specific so you can make sure to address them with your counselor. Stay Strong! Lynn

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  5. I was recently raped by 2 people I had considered to be my friends I had gone with them to “chill” as they put it they had told me we would go to one of their hotel rooms where they were living because at the time they were homeless. I at the time was hung over from partying with a friend and her boyfriend. We went to the hotel room and started relaxing and playing video games we had a few drinks and then it happened.
    I was told I should press rape charges but by the time I told someone it was from what the person I had told about the issue it was too late. Every day I have had to deal with it and sometimes when I sleep I relive the incident I have been losing allot of sleep and constantly feeling depressed and feeling like I deserve this I don’t know what to do.

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    1. GW. Well first you have to stop thinking you deserved this, how? Because you trusted 2 people, that’s ridiculous! However you do need to deal with this because the longer you wait the longer it takes to heal. Also the longer you wait the more adverse affects it has on your life. So see if you have a local crisis center because they can help you with counseling. I might also go to the doctor and get checked for any diseases, not to scare you but if they didn’t wear a condom you need to do this just for peace of mind. Maybe you can get some pepper spray or a stun gun too for peace of mind. As far as the sleeping try writing out your thoughts a little bit before bed as this is a mental release. You don’t have to keep what you’ve written just get whatever it is out of your head. If you try and do this every night it works better and better. Also, try some yoga right before bed this is a very relaxing exercise that will help you sleep. You can just buy a beginners and do it in front of your TV. Hope this helps and good luck to you. Stay Strong! Lynn

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  6. I have struggled for a long time with fault and causation but in the end, its all rape. When I was 15, a guy in my year of high school, friend of a friend, started telling everyone he was my boyfriend. When asked Id say no. He was an alright person and we had interests in common so I didnt tell him to fuck off and never talk to me, which to the general population apparently meant if he says were together and I say no but still talk to him means im his.

    Eventually, having self esteem issues and no-one-else-will-have-me mentality I didnt agree to be his “girlfriend” (I was never asked regardless) But I stopped bothering to swear black and blue that I didnt like him. by 16, to everyones opinion but mine, I belonged to him.

    He kissed me twice. Breifly and roughly in public. Biting through my lower lip on the second occasion. He’d be a bit mood swingy sometimes, ecstatic on moment furious the next. He was staying with a mutual friend, she stated that myself and a few others should come hang out sometime. It seemed innocent so I agreed. Once dropped off at the house one morning, it seemed sort of odd feeling but I told myself it was stupid. She answered the door in her pajamas, invited me in, told me “the others” are watching a movie, she cant be fucked with it she hates that movie and is going back to bed. Myself , him and a half dozen other guys hung out for a while, I was nervous as some of them I recognised as drug users (nothing too hard, but Im against using anything at all so they made me uncomfortable).

    I was invited into a room under pretext of being shown something, I dont even remember what it was anymore. So he and I were alone for a while. We sat on the end of the bed and watched a tv show. With no prelude, he got up and closed the door then sat back down and starting taking off my clothes. I was terrified, and a virgin, and I just sort of… froze. I was stiff and unhelpful but I didnt stop him, I stayed quiet. Analysing it I realised that I was so scared that if I struggled, if I made noise, if I tried to hurt him to get him to back off, his friends might join in. That it’d get worse. Id always been such a strong person that I felt disgusted with myself for freezing, for feeling weak and powerless and how could he know that it was rape unless I clawed his eyes out screaming no, as far as anyone was concerned I was his and If I fought I had been leading him on or something but not running away yelling the first time he laid claim. That I had no right to refuse.

    It hurt. It was dirty, unprotected and horrible but over quickly. I went semi catatonic feeling and when spoken to just kept saying “Im fine” until I could leave. That night I couldn’t lie down, though on the pill and rationally aware that it was unlikely to help I had to sit up and stay awake in the hopes that gravity minusculy affected the likelihood of me getting pregnant from this. I had no money of means to obtain a morning after pill. I was utterly terrified untill my next period, when the terror subsided to a slow steady hum. Not long after he just sort of stopped hanging out with the same people gradually and took up with another girl.

    Ill never entirely stop feeling disgusting and used. Im married now, and I took my husbands virginity, and I know although he tries to be supportive its always in the back of his mind that Im tainted by it. Although the rape was vaginal, I seem to have channeled my fear into anything related to anal. If Im bumped there, or he tries something there I become hysterical and frozen.

    I still see him sometimes. He in the same general region, if I even think I see him im frantic and paranoid for a long time afterwards. Its worse if he sees me. He’ll say hi, ask how I am, even sometimes hug me hello or goodbye and leave. I become stuck to the spot and smile blandly and say mhmm alot like a deer in headlights, to him its like im just sort of weird. I dont think he even realises how scared I am of him and how bad it was for me to feel so powerless and owned. I can rationalise that it was survival instinct to freeze, that he very well could have started to beat me, or get his friends involved. I can say its my own fault for not reacting better, or sooner, or not going to that house, or staying there for the day. That I should have said something, that I should tell him after the fact that it has damaged me, that I should tell him how I felt/feel to get some closer on “does he even realise I didnt want to” that I hated it and its all-consuming sometimes knowing that he took everything from me, my virginity, my self respect, my confidence, my chance at a completely normal sexlife.

    I saw him again today, after 3 years of no sightings. Im home now and im choking and scared and irrational but even though I know all these things, that mentally Ive made my peace with it, I cant stop physically responding with fear. Why cant I run in to him and say, I have no interest in talking to you, ever, and walk away. Why do I stand there like an idiot yelling at myself in my head do this, do that, do SOMETHING while he makes small talk and goes about his day, not a care in the world then go home and throw up and lock windows and doors and cry and hope my husband can just roll with the fact Im insane over it. Why do I have to sit here, reading pages like “was it rape” and “how to deal with rape” and “coping with emotional stress” when when he gets home, he may not even remember bumping into me today.

    I feel unjustified in the statement “I was raped”. I wasnt serially abused. I wasnt molested. I wasnt drunk, drugged, under a weapon, bruised anywhere but my vagina or blackmailed into it. I didnt say no, I didnt physically fight him, he wasnt a stranger. Id say to a rape support group I was raped, they say Im so sorry that happened to you, a total stranger dragged me into and alleyway at knifepoint and 7 guys took turns with me under threat of a knife and my sister being next if I told anyone, how bout you? and I say my sort-of-boyfriend had some friends over and I thought they might be on drugs and join in so I lay there quietly and was roughed up a bit down there. I feel like the little boy crying wolf, yet Im so… messed up about it that I cant try to lie, to tell myself say it was a normal, nontramatic experience. It was horrible for me, but it couldve been so much worse, others have had it so much worse, what right do I have to complain, to be supported, to tell anyone.

    I feel unworthy in so many ways. Im so so sorry that anyone, anywhere has to go through any measure of these emotions. Thank you, anyone who takes the time to read this. I think writing it out kind of helped.

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    1. L. You are not alone in the type of rape that happened to you. There might be rapes more physical but all rapes affect us mentally the same. So don’t downplay your rape because it wasn’t as physical as others. A rape is a rape is a rape. So all survivors go through the same mental anguish. It sucks that you run into him at times but I think the best way to handle it is to not respond, stop or even acknowledge him. It’s horrible that we go through all the mental anguish when it seems they are fine and that we are the ones that have to work at our healing when they are living normal. But I truly believe in Karma and they will get there by the higher being one day. All we can do is focus on ourselves in getting back control of our lives. If you haven’t rec’d counseling back I would definitely consider that especially since you do run into him. Not only will counseling be able to help you and your relationship with your husband but it will also help with your triggers, like when you run into him. I might also consider taking a self defense class since you tend to run into him. I am not by any means saying he might try something again just saying it would give you peace of mind and a sense of security. Stay strong! Lynn

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  7. I’m a senior in college, but I’m still having difficulty dealing with being raped as a freshman. I had known both of the boys who raped me, and I had signed them into my dorm because they needed a place to stay until the bad weather that day had passed, since they attended another college a distance away and did not have a car that evening. They had been out drinking, yet when I signed them in I could not tell. When we entered my room, they both raped me. I feel weak because I couldn’t stop two drunk men when I was sober. I feel like I should have known better than to sign in two big guys. I still have flashbacks regularly and I feel like the feelings keep getting worse…

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    1. H. First you need to truly believe that you didn’t do anything wrong. All you were trying to do was be a nice person and help, they are the despicable ones that took advantage of you. So stop beating yourself up with why did you do this and that. Again you were just being compassionate to their situation. If you haven’t rec’d professional counseling that is what I suggest and you can probably get referrals from your school. The longer you wait the longer it takes. It’s not easy but it is worth it and it’s not as hard as what you are going and have been through. But let go of your guilt and that will be your first step to move forward and it will be a huge weight lifted off your shoulders. You deserve a good life and you can’t achieve it if you are letting the past control you. The fact that you are here looking for help is an awesome step forward so just keep it up, I believe in you that you can do it. Stay strong! Lynn

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  8. Hi!
    First of all, I’d like to thank you for running this website, it really can be a huge help to some. However, I’m dealing with one problem (and I feel a little egoistic). My now ex-girlfriend has been raped 3 months ago, in summer. We were together for 2 years, had an awesome relationship without of any problems. We didn’t argue and if we did, it was nothing important. She told me right after that happened and I wanted to be here for her. Next day when she arrived (she was in other country), I waited for her and we had a long hug. We both cried. She was shaking and was out of her mind. If she talked about what happened, I listened and I was here for her. Now, 3 months later she looked OK with it. Like it wouldn’t ever happen. She still couldn’t sleep well and had anger, but other then that, she was fine. Suddenly, she told me that she needs to be alone, that she has to find herself again. I accepted it, as she told me that it’s not because of me and she will always like me. It was 3 weeks ago, now I’m going crazy. I wrote her a few times that I hope she’s doing well and she can write anytime she wants. If she replied, it was cold and something in a way: Do not write me/let me be/it’s over and I don’t care about you anymore!
    The thing that worries me, she has 2 friends, both of them are on drugs and I suppose that she started doing drugs with them. Is there anything I could do for her? Is there anything I can do so she will listen to what I tell her? Over those 3 weeks, we just became totally unknown people to each other.
    What bothers me, is this because of what has happened in the past (she wanted to have sex in those 3 months, but it was obviously painful for her, so I said stop), or is there a possibility that she really doesn’t care anymore? I saw that she wants to break up a few times, but she couldn’t do it. I’m scared and I just pray that she’s fine. I see that what I can do is be her rock, but if she doesn’t want to, is there ANYTHING more I can do? It just can’t end like this… Thanks

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    1. D, I’m sorry you are going through this but you need to give her the space she needs right now. There are so many different emotions she is going through and different phases that you will never understand unless you’ve been through it. Just reach out one last time via email or letter, text but no call. Start by saying going forward you respect her space but you want her to know you care and if she needs you for anything just reach out to you 24/7. Then back off. Because by you contacting her she is getting annoyed but if you back off she has nothing to be annoyed at you for and she might even miss you. She does have to work this out on her own but hopefully knowing what you know and supporting her before she will realize she wants you. It is also very possible she did turn to drugs, that is very common but again there isn’t much you can do other than letting her know you are there if she needs you. I’m sorry I can’t be of more help but these phases we go through we have to go through to get to the other side. Obviously she and every rape survivor needs counseling but they have to go on their own terms. Just pray for the day she realizes counseling is the best way. Stay strong! Lynn

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  9. This is really hard to admit, but I was raped about a-year-and-a-half ago, and experiencing really bad depression, anxiety, and shame. I’ve told two friends and one of my cousins so far, but they keep telling me I need to get therapy, but I can’t even say that I was raped, I can only write it.
    When I talk about it, it’s like I’m reliving it. I haven’t even been able to talk about what really happened, only that I couldn’t fight him off.
    I keep having flashbacks and nightmares about. I don’t know what to do, I sometimes get so reclusive that I don’t even talk, I haven’t been able to keep a job, and I don’t know what to keep telling people who something is wrong. Tomorrow is my birthday (25) and I can’t even be cheerful. I get angry over the dumbest things, and can’t even be touched.

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    1. T. Well I’m proud of you for at least being able to write about it and strong enough to know you need help and to ask for it. Because if you are here then you are moving in the right direction, so you should be proud of yourself too. First please understand that the feeling you are going through are common and completely understandable. I realize it is difficult and you don’t think you could make it through counseling which I won’t lie, is not easy. But it is a LOT easier than what you are and have gone through, I promise. You didn’t do anything wrong so try and leave your shame a the door. This rape doesn’t define you as anything other than a survivor. And I would love it if you could stand up straight and look into the mirror and say to yourself I am strong and I am a survivor. You might not believe it at first but the more you do it the more you will. I think we both know that counseling is the best step towards your recovery, so why don’t you try writing out your feelings, especially before bedtime if you have nightmares or problems sleeping, because this is a mental release which over time will improve your overall sleep which in turns helps lower your anxiety. With those notes you can possible take them to the counselor so she can see where your head is at. I would also write down anything that triggers your emotions so the counselor can address that as well. So if it makes you feel a little more at ease, write it out and give it to your counselor to start. One thing I will tell you is the longer you wait the longer it takes to heal, so the sooner the better. And the longer you wait the more it will continue to negatively effect your life. So what do you have to loose other than old bad memories that continue to control your emotions and life? But you have A LOT TO GAIN! Stay strong! Lynn

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  10. yesterday me and my ex (we still live together because we have a child) were fooling around in the bed and he ended up raping me anally. i kept telling him that i didn’t want to have sex and no, and stop. and i tried to push him off and turn my body around and all kinds of stuff but i gave up because i did feel like he was getting too aggressive. i sort of feel like because i didn’t try hard enough, that it’s my fault. i cried and screamed the whole time and he kept telling me to keep screaming cause he liked it. and after he was apologizing over and over and kissing my forehead and he brought me water and made me some food…i feel so weird about the entire situation and he is acting completely normal. i don’t really know what to do except lock myself in the room when he comes home from work. i do not want to call the police or tell anyone. i just need to post this here and tell someone anonymously. i have been raped twice before by a different guy, and i am really confused on how this has happened to me a third time now. i feel horrible about myself and extremely confused right now.

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    1. C. You need to find somewhere to go now and permanently. If you can’t find somewhere temporary work as hard as you can to permanently move. I would also get some pepper spray or a stun gun immediately. First stop blaming yourself because this is all on him. Rape is about control and he feels he has control over you and the fact that you haven’t told anyone (which is your prerogative especially if you are scared) he knows he still has control. Only you know what is best for you in your situation however I need you to understand how they think. First this is a common type of rape because they feel since you are theirs they have “permission” to do what they want and most don’t even consider rape (which may be why he is acting normal), meaning the likely hood of it happening again is high. So my first concern is your well-being. So make a game plan to get out and a safety plan if or while you are still there. I would also keep any evidence you may have. Don’t threaten him with this, because he should not know you have it, it is just a little security if you need it. Such as any clothing, sheets, pics of bruises/injuries, things like that. If you need any help your local crisis center can help find a place to relocate, they can help with food and other things as well as counseling for you. Stay strong! Lynn

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  11. I was raped when I was 17 by a friend I thought I could trust, I got extremely drunk, and high, and was in a bad situation, I called him to pick me up, I passed out in his truck and the next thing I remember is being raped, I couldn’t move, couldn’t do anything, I was completely helpless, I was a virgin, the next thing I remember is being back in my car the next morning, with bruises all over me, I didn’t cry, I pretend it didn’t happen, he bragged about having sex with me to all our friends, that he had managed to have sex with me when I had refused him and a lot of other guys all through high school, I played along it, I didn’t want to wreck his life by reporting it, I delt with it by doing drugs, I couldn’t tell my family because they didn’t know where I was going that night and I would get in trouble for it, I just pretended it didn’t happen, and denied the nightmares I had, I couldn’t tell my friends because I couldn’t stand to be treated like a victim, after a while my friends abandoned me because I was so cold to them, I couldn’t talk about it, that would make it real, fast forward a year and I was in college, I met a guy a really liked, who was supportive and sweet, I told him about it, he was sweet about it but I didn’t tell him how bad it hurt me, how unclean I feel, i didn’t shy away from sex with him, I embraced it, he made me forget about it other then the occasional nightmare, I only freaked out with him once during sex, when he jokingly pinned me down, but he was amazing about it, he didn’t push me to talk just held me while I cried, after about a year of dating he hit a bad place in his life and started getting distant, he wasn’t there for me as much and the nightmares started coming back, I started confiding in another guy, one who was friends with both of us, he took it to mean more then just being friends, he started sending me dirty messages and pictures, I was flattered, I liked the attention and having someone to confide in, he made me feel attractive again, something I’ve struggled with since the rape, he started pushing for something physical and I kept telling him no, I didn’t want him to touch me, he was to aggressive, but I was ashamed so I didn’t tell my boyfriend, I didn’t want to lose him, he was the one who kept the nightmares away, but the other guy kept pushing for it to be physical, he forced me to touch him, touched me, then apologized, said it would never happen again, I believed him four times, I wanted to believe he was my friend, that he wouldn’t hurt me, I kept going back to him, I don’t know why, there must be something wrong with me to keep going back to him, to keep trusting he wouldn’t do it again, I wanted to trust him and I felt so disgusting, I made myself sick, but he kept wanting me, wanted me more each time, and I wanted to feel wanted, I finally couldn’t believe him anymore and I cut off all contact with him, a week later my boyfriend found out and convinced me to press charges, but now he’s disgusted with me, I’m having the nightmare every night, I don’t know what to do, he thinks I must have wanted it because I didn’t fight back, but I couldn’t I froze up, I relived the night I was raped every time he touched me, I could do nothing but cry, I thought I was over that, I don’t know why I couldn’t fight back, why I kept going back, I feel like I must have wanted it to keep going back, like there’s some huge stain on me saying I’m an easy target, I won’t fight back, I feel like it’s going to happen again, I can’t trust anyone, I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I cringe when people touch me, I can’t stop shaking, every time someone other then my boyfriend touches me, even a girl or my parents I flash back to it, I don’t know how to deal with this, I thought I was okay, thought I was over it but it’s so much worse now, and I keep remembering new details, but I don’t know how to get help after 3 years, especially when I led the second guy on so he’d talk to me, how could I keep trusting him after he did that? How could I go back and let him do it again?

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    1. CC. You have some questions that I wished I had a better answer for. The one thing I’m positive about is that you need professional counseling (as all rape survivors do) and it doesn’t matter how long ago it happened. Obviously the sooner the better because the longer you wait the longer you need counseling. Perfect example if you would have went right after the first occurrence the second situation might not have happened. Now it is necessary for you to deal with both. But don’t beat yourself up over it just put that energy in dealing with it through counseling to get back control over your actions and future. See rape is about control and that is the part of your story that really scares me because this second guy really had some type of control over you, knew it and took advantage of your vulnerability. Let me be clear, I blame him for this not you. But the fact that this happened so many times and the fact that you have a caring boyfriend that sounds like has really taken good care of you, leads me to believe there are more issues that need to be addressed as well as the rape. So I really need you to not be scared of counseling but instead look at it as being strong and wanting back control of your life. I promise you it will help not only you but the relationship with your boyfriend as well. Also read some of the tips on this website of things to do to help you sleep better and small ways to cope between counseling visits. You can do it because not only do I have faith in you but you deserve to be happy. So in order to get back control of your future you have to learn how to deal and move on from your past. Acting like it never happened just pushed it down more. You have to get it out, in order to make room to heal. Stay strong! Lynn

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  12. well hi

    i was raped actually nt sure if i was raped it happend like this the guy who wanted to rape me his pines didnt want to erect bt he put on a condom becouse i was scared and mixed emotions were going through i think he penetrated his penis in side me but did it twice with no luck of it to erect he jst pulled it off n dressed but still think lot about it n i hv sleepless night because lot coudve hv hpnd if the penis erected and he coudve killed me cause he was hving this sharp big knife with him .i know it was nt my fault abt what happend to me i havent told my family i only told my friends n i went to book myself appointment with pyscologist cause i wanna avoid to have suicidal thought n i hope i will recover

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    1. D, you are doing the right thing by getting counseling and the fact that you know it wasn’t your fault and you didn’t deserve this is an excellent first step. I AM PROUD OF YOU for being so STRONG! I know it doesn’t feel that way but you are doing EVERYTHING RIGHT! Keep up the good work. Stay Strong Lynn

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  13. It is 4:30 am on Christmas Day and I am having to write to you on here..

    I was 15 when i got sexually harassed at my local club, we had a storage room which regularly needed sorting and this guy always chose me to “help him”… I gave no hint that I liked him…after all I don’t even like guys I’m a Leasbian, and he always asked how my girlfriend was and how she’s doing…

    But for three months or so he would put his hand up my skirt, force my hands on his dixk, he would throw me against the wall and pin me there (he is a big rugby player) but he would jsut do worse stuff than that and i was really scared…

    but now its almost 2 years on and im STILL being haunted…my girlfriend (same one) knows everything from gritty details, i have only told 2 friends who I trust the most, my senior staff from my club know….but i cant tell my parents, infact i dont want to as they will stop me going and i dont want to stop going, im 16 going on 17 now…why can’t i just move on?

    I have now also fallen back into depression and self harming with this being on of the reasons, i cant sleep at night, i get flashbacks, i shake, i panic, i self harm, i dont know what to do anymore…

    I want to get professional help but i dont know where to start…

    help me get my life back on track…please.

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    1. M. W. I’m glad you recognize and want to get professional help because the longer you wait the longer it takes to heal, trust me. You can start by either going to your local crisis center which can refer you to someone or you can go to rainn.org and find the nearest counselor to you. But if you are self harming you need to do this like yesterday. And when you do this not only will you be helping yourself but also your relationship. Where there is a will there is a way, just don’t give up. Also, if this guy still goes to the club it would be in your best interest to stop going there. If not then that’s good, I just want you to be safe and away from this guy because he has some control over you or had some control over you that you must get away from. Stay strong! Lynn

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  14. Im trying to find someone that can relate to my story. I am a backpacker who has been travelling around South East Asia and Australia for the past 12 months. 4 months ago I was working in a small town where I was attacked and raped by someone who I had considered to be a friend. I was an absolute mess after the incident but couldnt really do alot being so far from home, in the end I told my twin sister who arranged for me to fly back to England. I thought this would help but I couldnt stand being back after being away for so long and hated seeing my family worry about me so I pretended I was fine and booked a flight to Thailand as soon as I could just to get away from everything. I am now working in a resort in Thailand and have made a really good group of friends but I am drinking really heavily and acting alot more carelessly. I havent told anyone else what happened but my family seem to think im just running from my problems rather than facing them and im trying to escape from reality. I thought I was fine about what happened but im now starting to think otherwise as the other night I nearly hooked up with a guy and then completely freaked out and then felt bad about it. I honestly dont know how im feeling and its a little bit more difficult to get help when your travelling, I also feel like its been 4 months now so I should be over it and I feel stupid for still getting upset.

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    1. D. For the record your feelings and actions are not uncommon, so please know you are not alone. However, you don’t “get over” rape. It is something that we live with forever and therefore MUST receive professional counseling. I does sound like you are running from the issue but rape is like your shadow, you can’t run from it and it will always be with you, no matter where you are. The only way to deal is to face it head on. Again the motions you are going through are common, heavy drinking/partying, acting more carelessly and that is because we are trying to forget in the wrong way. Some people need to go through this but some that don’t recognize only cause more issues and emotions that now have to dealt with on top of the rape. If you are coming here for advice it sounds like you are noticing or have been through these things and are possibly ready to talk about it and that is an excellent first step. Just know that the person you need to be talking to is a professional counselor. You can tell your friends/family that you trust but the details should be left to the counselor because only they know how to constructively help you going forward after they get more details about where you are in life and where you want to go. Remember even though we have to live with this we can learn how to deal and have a happy future, but without the right counseling or the right person to talk to you more than likely will continue in a circle of situations that you don’t want to be in. Getting counseling isn’t a sign of weakness it is a sign of strength because you aren’t suppose to understand how to deal with this yourself. We were not put on this earth mentally wired to deal with rape. So the only ones that understand what you are going through are those of us that have been through rape and the trained professionals who can actually help. Stay strong! Lynn

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  15. I am a backpacker and I have been travelling for nearly a year now. 4 months ago I was working in a small town where one night I was raped while walking back to my hostel after work. I completely freaked out, panicked because I was thousands of miles from home or anyone I knew well so I booked a flight back to England. However when I got to England I couldnt stand it as I love travelling and I felt as though this guy had ruined my happiness I also told my family and couldnt stand being around them while they were feeling sorry for me, I hated that. So again I booked myself a one way flight to Bangkok, told my family I was over it and left. I have now been in Thailand for 2 months and im not sure if I am really over it but I feel like I should be after 4 months. My mum thinks im running away from everything rather than facing it. I have found myself drinking a lot and being a lot more reckless than usual. The other night a guy tried to come onto me who seemed couldnt take no for an answer and I was firm with him which im proud of but it really freaked me out and that night I had a dream about the place I was raped. I am trying to find someone else who is in a similar situation to me as I cant really get help, my doctor back home wanted me to try counselling but I didnt want to stay in the UK, so I thought I would try these online forums to see if anyone has any suggestions of what I can do to get over this.

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  16. I wanted to say, first and foremost, that it is a wonderful thing that you are doing here- putting your everything into helping survivors, no matter how hard it may or may not be for you, being a survivor yourself. It’s amazing; kudos to you. I, myself am a survivor as well. It’s been almost four years now, and nobody really even knows. I very much kept it to myself and did whatever I could muster to do to help myself get over it. I think I’ve done alright so far, albeit it still hits me the reality of it quite often and all it can do is hold myself and say it will all be okay. I’ve a long way yet to go to reach acceptance. But this isn’t the primary reason I’m writing you. Nay, I would like the opportunity to speak with you in regards to a novel I’m trying to write. The protagonist is a victim of rape, and isn’t doing all that well. It’s about coming to terms with events so awful; how do you learn to live and move past it, making your smile more than the facade others are so quick to believe. I would like to talk to you more about the psychology of it, as in how she would be feeling, the ways that she’ll try to cope in her own isolation, and how another can help her through it, etc. I hope the novel will be there, in the end, almost as an inspiration to others. I want it to be something they can read and connect with, while showing them that yes, things can and will get better; easier. If you are at all interested, is there another mode of communication that we could use to be in touch? Either way, thank you for your time, but mostly thank you for what you’re making of your life in the pursuits to aiding others. I commend you. Have a lovely day. E.

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  17. I was raped by my cousin when i was 16. I am 22 now. He used to live with me. He would always go into my room and touch me.it was a weekend that i stayed home alone. It was like around 7 pm i was tired and i was sleepy…when i heardthe door open i thought i was literally home alone. He told me that everything was my fault and that he will repeat those acts everytime he wanted to…i never said anything this went on for 2 years…when i finally had the courage to tell my parents.they didnt believe me…i felt devastated, alone, defenseless, dirty, i felt like the whole world was on top of me. I gave up on everything even on myself. Untill i found my husband…he saved me from doing things to my self. He helped me heal. But somehow i still feel like if my cousin is still haunting me. But i feel like i am stronger,now that i have my son hes my little angel and he is the reason why i am going back to school and moving on and accomplish what i need to finish.

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    1. S. I’m so glad you were able to find someone who believed in you and could help you move forward with your life. I’m proud of the strength you are showing. I am a little concerned that because this was a relative that this is way too close to home. Not sure where he is now or lives in the same town or not (I hope not) but if he is and there is a remote possibility that you may run into him I strongly still suggest counseling to help you deal. I know your husband has helped but he can only do so much because the only people that really know the feelings you are going through are other survivors and professional counselors. I especially worry even if your cousin is long gone out of the picture that when your son starts growing up that you are going to have flashbacks and that it will adversely affect your family life, especially with your son. So since you are on the right track, why don’t you take the next step and get professional counseling. It seems you are in a strong place right now so I really think you would be be able to handle it. Stay strong! Lynn

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    1. Raped, I suggest before you do anything rash is get into counseling immediately. Can you go through your health insurance? Does you job have an EAP (employee assistance program which is totally confidential by law) that you can use? You can also call your local crisis center for referrals or go to rainn.org and try and find the nearest counselor to you. But you ARE NOT alone! There are all types of ways you can get to counseling. I knew the day I did I sat on the phone until someone could see me that day. I made about 12 calls and finally someone heard the desperation in my voice and got me in and that changed my life for the better. It took a while but it was so worth it and I don’t know where I would be today without it. Stay strong! Lynn

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  19. I’m 14 years old. In November my older brother raped me in my sleep. I didn’t know what to do I called a friend then the next Monday I went to school and told a teacher who told the SRO at my school. He got a female officer in there so I could talk to her. I got my examination done. Then later on that week I found out that something similar happened to my little sister, I was happy I said something. It has been three months scince the attack and I still haven’t had counseling, why? Also, why won’t they tell me anything? He is sitting there living a normal life while mine is so screwed up. IT IS NO FAIR!!!!!

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    1. Scared to death, Have you told your parents? If you have and they haven’t done anything, maybe tell another relative that you have a close relationship with and trust or even another adult like a friends parent. See if you and your sister can stay with another family member or friend until something is done and you feel safe. Especially if he has hurt you and your sister. Ask the school counselor, tell them you are scared and what you found out about your sister. If all that fails or you feel you have no one to turn to call your local crisis center and tell them what you know, what has been done so far and that you are scared. They should also be able to help with counseling for both you and your sister. Just don’t stop until you get the help you need. I promise someone can help you just gotta find that person. Stay strong! Lynn

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  20. I want to move on wif my life instead of dwellin on the past bein raped a num of times & my bf dyin but I have nitemares bout bein raped bout 7 to 8 times I am seein a shrink she is helpin me but I wnt to tell her want happened bout me being raped I have tryed pretending I am talkin to her but I am not really how do I go in there & say look I have tell u rite now I have tryed 4 weeks now but she just keeps talkin I trust her that’s y I wanna open up to her like asap to move on wif my life.

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  21. I was raped in my early childhood, but I don’t remember exactly when was it. Around age 6-8. That was not just one time and by not just one man.
    Now I’m turning to 29 soon. I’ve been quite about this all my life, and not telling to anyone, over 20 years. Whole my life I tried to be a good girl, but inside I always lived in hell. Even though I t tried many ways to overcome it, seems like it does not work. Maybe for a while but not completely. I cannot bear it anymore and I desperately looking for help to overcome it. Please help.

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    1. Need Help, The time itself should let you know that without counseling you will not overcome this. Rape is like your shadow you can not run from it. The only way to deal is to face it head on, through the proper counseling. It’s not easy but you are getting ready to turn 30, this has been a cloud over your head long enough. You need to feel these feelings in order to overcome them, it never goes away by trying to forget. All it does is stay locked up inside you until you least expect it. So it’s ok if you have to try and remember and it’s ok to share your feelings that you don’t understand and don’t know how to deal with them. But ignoring or thinking they will go away hasn’t helped in 20 years. So please get counseling, the sooner the better. Stay strong! Lynn

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  22. Hi Lynn.

    I am 22 years old now. I was raped a year ago. I have never had a boyfriend and the first sexual thing I did was a year and a half ago. I have suffered from bullying since I was little and have a very low self esteem. Because of that and other things I sunk into major depression, went to live to the USA with a friend who was the opposite of me, bad bad company. This is when the rape happened.

    I had been going out with a guy that was 29 years old, and we had never done anything, When I told him I was a virgin he stopped all contact with me. Afterwards, I went to the USA. My friend wanted me to be like her; do drugs, sleep with guys, etc. One night on valentines day we went to a bar, that night I was deeply sad. This guy started talking to me and he resembled the guy I was going out with. He gave me a very strong drink and suddenly we where alone. I never drink much so I was pretty drunk. He told me to go back to his place. I agreed but told him that we wouldn’t have sex. My friend, knowing how naive I was, let me go with him.

    When we arrived, he started to touch me. I just laid in his sofa. He came out of the room naked, with a bottle of tequila in his hand and a condom on. He put himself on top of me and I just froze. I was scared that he would hurt me. I told him that I did not want to have sex and that I was a virgin. He said I was lying and before I knew he was inside. I don’t know why I said the name of the guy I had seen while at it. Afterwards I began to cry and went to sleep. In the morning I felt numb. This continued for 3 months.

    My mom blames me for the whole thing, of me going to his house. But she doesn’t understand how emotionally fragile I was. I was looking for someone to accept me and love me. In my messed up head, also under the influence of years of depression without any treatment, I feel for it.

    My counselor told me I was in denial. But that phase ended afterwards. I am worried because already a year has gone by and I can’t seem to feel normal. I am always taking baths, I cannot concentrate, I cannot be alone, I hate to be around men and having panic attacks and nightmares.

    I need help. I want my life back.

    Please help me

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    1. BO. I so sorry this has happened to you and that you aren’t getting the support you need from your mother, I really am! I’m not sure I understand when you say your counselor says you are in denial? And what phase ended.. You stopped seeing your counselor? Nonetheless it sounds to me you need a different counselor, maybe a therapist but it it doesn’t sound like the one you were seeing helped so I would definitely change. Whatever you do don’t give up on yourself. I’m proud of your strength to already seek counseling and proud of your strength to continue to seek help, so don’t give up! Btw your mom is completely wrong! None of this is your fault, there is NO excuse for rape NONE! The fact that you were scared you would be hurt is a completely understandable feeling and a lot of rape victims feel threatened. When you feel threatened you think even worse can happen and honestly if a person is capable of rape they could be capable of worse. Rape is about control not you and that is exactly what happened to you. It was even more serious in your case because of you being naive and vulnerable. Again NONE of this is your fault, I’m just trying to help you understand most likely why it happened. he saw that and took full advantage. And for future reference when a person gets raped and they don’t turn that person in for whatever reason, the rapist feels they have control which is why they think they “can” do it again. So the best policy is to tell someone that you feel can help whether it is the police or not, just someone so the person doesn’t think they can get away with it. So if you want your life back I suggest a new therapist. I know it’s starting over but your life is WORTH IT! Stay strong! Lynn

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  23. Hi ,I was a young boy when my aunt’s boyfriend raped me ,he’s done it alot but not just to me and he’s in jail now and I’m happy about that. It’s not fair but it’s something I live with everyday I don’t usually think about it all the time but I am reminded sometimes and its so embarrassing and nasty I just wish it never happend to me. I’m 19 now and I just want to say we all need to do something to keep these things from happening let’s make a stand and forgive but not forget those who did this and try to live a happy life and be healthy.

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    1. C. I agree with you and just remember that the rape doesn’t define you! I’m glad to hear you so strong because you do deserve a happy healthy life! Stay strong! Lynn

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  24. Dear Lynn,

    Thank you very much for what you’re doing and being a hero!
    You helped me to build up a strength to make a decision to speak out. If it is available for you with timing could you please give me your contact details for counseling?

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    1. Need help. Thank you for your kind words but I am not a hero. I am just someone that’s passion in life is to help others that have been through what I have. It’s a sense of healing for me too. I’m sorry but I don’t do personal counseling anymore, I just run this website but I always encourage each person to get professional counseling. So if you have health insurance you can use that or if not you can always try to contact your local crisis center which can refer you to a counselor. Or another option is going to rainn.org and look for the nearest counselor to you. You obviously are ready for counseling and that is a HUGE step and I’m VERY PROUD of you. Remember the more you let out the more room you have to heal. So get to counseling! Stay strong! Lynn

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  25. Back when I was 15 and a virgin I was with friends and got really drunk, and blacked out. I never had a drink before that night so I didn’t now my limit nor the effect it would have on me. The guy that this incident happened with was drinking that night too but I don’t know how drunk he was. After blacking out the last thing I remember is sitting in the corner crying and calling my boyfriend ( not at that current time) and the guy told me to hang up with him and be quiet. When I woke up that morning I knew something was wrong because I just felt it, I wasn’t right. But the night was in chunks. I asked the guy if anything happened repeatedly and he told me we didn’t do anything. I knew that was a lie, but I was so disgusted and embarrassed that I dropped it and never talked about it again. Anyways I’m now I’m 19 and I brought up the situation with my friend who was there and she told me that he told her that we had sex and BOTH gave each other oral sex. It was a relief to finally know but then a nightmare. My question is was this rape, or consensual sex?i don’t know if I agreed or what happened during the time of intercourse. We were partying in a abandoned house an this is were it happened. I would have never lost my virginity under those circumstances with a guy I barely knew if I wasn’t extremely intoxicate.

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    1. AB This is a tough one because if you both gave each other oral sex it sounds consensual to the point of the oral sex at least. You can have oral sex without wanting intercourse. But I do know that without your consent it was rape and I know that without you being of sound mind it is also rape. That being said, alcohol can have an effect on you where you would do things you normally wouldn’t do. But to me because he lied to you about it and said nothing happened leads me to believe that he knew he did something wrong. So it’s possible you started, had oral sex and then didn’t want to do anymore, which is 100% your prerogative. Because if it was mutual why would he lie about it? I would try and get more details from your friend. Stay strong! Lynn

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  26. Yesterday I went out with some friends in work to a club. I drank a lot, a quarter bottle of spirits, shots etc. I was very drunk, all I can remember is being outside with a random man behind a bus and he was trying to insert his penis. He then pushed my head down to his crotch and pushing my head further. I kept choking. I remember stopping and walking away to try and find my friends but he came with me.
    I woke up this morning and ashamed and disgusted with myself. As I started to process I feel more and more like it wasn’t consensual but I don’t remember doing anything to stop it so is it all my fault? Maybe this isn’t even wrong of him but I feel so violated. I kept wanting to burst into tears and tell my mum but I’m afraid she’ll be cross or disappointed with me cos it’s my fault cos I got so drunk.
    I had to go to work and every man I had to serve at the tills made me feel uneasy and scared. I could smell smoke off some customers and he obviously smoked because the smell make me feel sick. I just wanted to get away from it. I feel so scared.

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    1. M. This is hard because you aren’t sure if it was consensual or not. Did you tell him no? Did he hurt you? Do you feel he was forceful against your will? If you answered yes to any of these then it was rape, if not you might just be disgusted at the fact that this happened with a random guy and because it is something you wouldn’t normally do. Either way it’s not good for you I know but hopefully it wasn’t rape and just an unfortunate experience. Stay strong! Lynn

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  27. I’m 19 years old and moved into an apartment with my best friend and his wife. He and I started an affair just before I moved in. I had already paid for two months rent and got the lights put into my name or I would have never moved in with them. He promiesed me once I moved in the sex would stop because he didn’t want to cheat on his wife. The sex didn’t stop. One night we all got drunk and had a three some and once I gave him head while she rubbed his feet. It was a very weird dynamic we had in that house and after about a month of living there I decided I didn’t want to take part in anything sexual with him or his wife anymore it was fun, but I was getting emotionally confused and didn’t want to end up in a situation where I fell in love with him, because I knew he’d never leave his wife. One night I told him I was done and that a sexual relationship wasn’t anything I wanted. I couldn’t handle it anymore I was dying being his wife’s best friend and sleeping with him while she was at work. He seemed to take the news okay, until he came home that night wasted. He came into my room and started kissing and touching me all over. I asked him to stop and to go to his room, but he didnt he climed into bed with me and slipped a finger in. I knew that was the moment where I had to decide if I was really finished or if I’d let him continue. I told him to stop and moved away. he took out his penis and told me that this is what I wanted not to play him, he was done playing games. I told him no I’m done. Your wife is awake in the next room we can’t do this I can’t do this. He pushed me down and held my hands above my head then proceeded to have sex with me. I was crying and shaking begging him to stop but he didn’t I looked him in the eye and asked why are you doing this to me and he said I asked him to and that this is what I wanted this is what I told him I wanted (a few days before we were talking about fantasies in the bedroom and I told him mine about being held down and having hard core sex, I also told him I’d have to love and trust the person a lot before I’d be comfortable acting out that fantasy and probly wouldn’t do it until I was married). After a few minutes it seemed to dawn on him how serious I was about this being un-consensual and he stopped. He started crying saying he only wanted to please me and that he loved me then went to his bed with his wife. I locked the door and cried all night. I acted like nothing happened. He asked me why I freaked out one him and why I lied about my fantasy I just said I was sorry. I did everything I could to forget it happened. I started smoking pot and doing other drugs just to feel numb and relatively normal. The drugs only lasted a couple months, then I moved back in with my parents and went back to school. I haven’t told my parents about what happened because I’m so afraid they’ll look at me different. I want to go to counseling but I’m too afraid to say this story. I’ve told a few close friends who I felt I could trust and it got all around work that I was fucking him and I made the rape story up to look like a victim… It really hurt me and made me almost make myself believe I made the whole thing up. I don’t know what to do. There are days where I don’t even think about it once but then there are others where I go hide and just cry because I feel so lost and alone. I’m scared to have anyone touch me sexually and for the first time in my life the thought of a relationship with a guy is sickening. My life is so out of control the last year or so.

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    1. K. I’m not sure why you are scared of counseling? Are you scared of letting out your story and getting the support you obviously need? I’m not saying counseling is easy but it definitely is a LOT easier than what you are going through. The more you let out the more room you have to heal and who better to do it with a counselor that won’t judge you and give you the support you need. Obviously your so called friends didn’t do that. I’m hoping you have gotten completely away from these people and I hope that you have changed your phone number because they need to not be able to have any contact with you. Then take care of yourself and get counseling unless of course you want to stay lost and alone. I don’t think you do or you wouldn’t be here, you are ready and you deserve to NOT feel lost and alone. Counseling will get you there. Just remember you didn’t do this it was something done to you and DON’T be ashamed when you say no it’s no and I don’t care what the circumstances. Stay strong! Lynn

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    1. RM I suggest two steps. Towards the end of the day about an hour or so before bed write out all your feelings of the day. Good or bad it doesn’t matter just get it out on paper as a mental release. You don’t have to keep it or you can make a journal, it’s up to you, just get all your thoughts out on paper. Then do some relaxing yoga or breathing exercises. I personally like yoga because you are concentrating on your breathing and the moves and your mind isn’t thinking. I just bought a dvd and did it at home for 20 to 30 minutes. You don’t have to be good just get a beginners dvd. This helps your entire body to relax and helps to promote better sleep. It might not happen over night, but as you continue to do this it will help, I promise. Also, if you haven’t rec’d counseling I always recommend that as well. Stay strong! Lynn

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  29. Hi,

    I was raped by my manager at the place where i worked in Oct 2012, he locked me in my room. I reported the incident to my employers (a club) and the two women managers protected this monster and basically laughed in my face (after seeing the damage done, which included bruises head to toe, a clear hand mark on my chest/collar bone and obviously extensive damage to intimate areas, which i didnt show) and banned me from the establishment as they dont want anyone as disgusting as me to be in there. Additional information- This person is about 26, he hires the girls behind the bar (which are often only 18+), they are all students, they have stupidly drunken nights out, and he was the one to ‘hand pick’ me.

    Firstly, I want to say that I think what you are doing is amazing, my mum is in the process of doing the same for cancer (breast) sufferers. Talking is the way forward, however the feeling of disgust, uncertainty of my own actions, the thought that no man will ever want me (accept for sex), the fact I am damaged goods are all still such raw emotions.

    My situation wasnt helped by the fact that the girls i lived with took great pleasure in laughing, teasing, and making jokes about the situation from the day after it happened, up until about 7 months after the attack.

    I took counselling after a few weeks, but didnt get the support i needed and therefore took time out of university to deal with this. I didnt feel i could talk to family members due to the fact my mum has cancer and worries daily about my safety, my father is never around and therefore i have no relationship with him, my brother however, he helped me through every step of the way and was my rock.

    I eventually took a year out of university and luckily managed to get a full time marketing management job. Throughout the year i guess, i self healed. Throughout this period i did have strong feelings towards telling my family, as we are all very open due to the rocky past.

    I left it until a few weeks ago when i told my parents. The feeling of relief was short lived. I feel very violated and like my much earnt independence has been ripped away. I built myself up from a second year student, to marketing manager or a baby company, i had a car and i guess my independence. I worked on myself as a person, i have always been bullied by both friends and close family, i decide to eliminate any ‘friend’ that makes me unhappy and it was working well. I had this inner strength that helped me power on.

    I have now returned to finish my final year and the feelings are coming back. I am re-opening the incident, this time everyone close to me knows about it. I feel stupid, worthless, like im making a mountain out of a mole hill and so on. I feel i should have gotten over this by now and that people will think i am making a big deal out of nothing. (when i was dealing with this after it happened, the people i lived with would often come into my room and tell me i am being stupid and i should get over it already…

    I have always been a person that cares for and puts others feelings before my own and therefore this situation just confuses me. I dont know how i am meant to feel or how i deserve to feel at this stage of the proceedings. I dont know if i am ‘milking it’ or making it seem like a bigger deal than it has been. I guess with my absent father and my mother having cancer and being an alcoholic etc etc, i was always in it with someone else (my brother) and could rationalize these feelings.

    I feel that because it just affected me, that it isnt important and that others will resent me for talking/sharing information about this. Sometimes i just look in the mirror and cry at what i see, i think how can someone do this/why would anyone want this.

    I am still seeking counselling and now in the process of reporting the man. He is still working at the same club and has recently been involved in a racial discrimination case. The police however dropped it, as there wasnt enough evidence against this customer. I have contacted her and am putting a case together so this disgusting human being can be fired. I got fired for him raping me and branded as a filthy whore, the least he deserves is to lose his job.

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    1. G. First let me apologize in the delay in getting back to you as I’ve been having site issues. A couple things I would like to say, first and foremost you are NOT damaged goods, period! The person that is damaged goods is the guy that raped you NOT you. Also, I’m very glad to hear you are back in counseling, hopefully with someone that you can get the support you need. I’m proud of you for recognizing to get back in it. Reason is you can talk to friends, brother etc but unless someone has been through it or you are talking with a professional counselor you can only get so much from them. I am so glad to hear your brother has been your rock and sad that you were subject to the others who treated you badly. From your post I get that you are a very strong individual and I know you will get through this. And for the record there is no “time limit” to get over this and the fact that people were so harsh on you just added to your mental anguish. Rape doesn’t just go away over time, it’s the fact that we need to learn how to deal with it and move forward, and again proud of you that you recognized this. As far as pressing charges I think that is great AND I bet this wasn’t his first time so I would ask if anyone else has complained or even reported him to the police. There are power in numbers. Also, hopefully you took pictures or even maybe someone can testify to your injuries if you don’t have pictures. Good luck and stay strong! Lynn

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  30. I need help. When I was 4 or 5 I was inappropriatly touched by a neighbour a few times and eventually he penetrated me once and when I screamed his 2 younger boys came up the stairs and he said I had hurt myself. It only happened the once as after that I refused to go near his house on my own or be alone with him. I told a girl at school who told her mum who then told mine and I can remember my mum putting me in the bath and telling me never to talk about it again. I can’t remember if it was the same night or after but I remember being at my bedroom window and seeing my mum arguing with him. We moved not long after that but still seen him from time to time at social gatherings at which I avoidied all contact with him. I remember at one social gathering my mum was talking to him and shouted me over and asked me infriont of him why I didn’t like him and I just walked away feeling like my own mother was taunting me!! I feel I have nowhere to turn now as I have always just put it to the back of my mind but as I get older (I’m 27 now) I’m realising I’m telling lies about things quite a lot and find it very difficult to talk to people about my feelings or if anything is going on or I have done something wrong I will lie and lie to try and get myself out of that situation.

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    1. T. This is very common, especially when you never received the appropriate counseling back then and kept it locked up until now. This is not something that can be forgotten and when not handled it creeps into your life in ways you never imagine. You have held this for so long it is going to take some good counseling to get through all these years, BUT it is worth it. You need to get professional counseling not only to help deal with what happened in the past but also deal with what is going on right now. And especially when you get to the point where you actually have children. I find that is where it really comes to the surface when children were molested, sexually abused and don’t get the counseling needed. So just know if you are worried about how it is affecting you now think about the adverse affects of you future. We need to learn to deal with it instead of pushing it deep down because it will come out. And it needs to but in the right way, through counseling. Stay strong! Lynn

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  31. Hi, im a single 21 year old mum and 2 weeks after my 21st I was raped 3 time in one night out in townby three different people at different times (I had my dink spiked) two have been sentenced so far as they plead guilty, the third was a bouncer at one of the clubs and the first attacker. I have no recollection of this happening but I the police had to show me the cctv and you could see everything!! Ive nearly been sectioned bevause of it and it has lead to alot of mental health problems as well as effecting how I am with my child.

    I dont know made me decide to share this but I just want to know if it gets easier my whole family is torn apart and I feel like I am to blame, there is just so many what ifs from that night and no enough answers I feel like im never gonna get through this 😦 ibe had stars involvement, crisis team, community mental health team and a shrink. Im starting to feel like this is all my life will ever be

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    1. J. How could it possibly be your fault if your drink was spiked???? That is how I was raped and the one thing I learned that helped me move forward is that I will never have all the answers and shoulda, coulda, woulda will never make a difference so I had to stop living in the past that couldn’t be changed and live in the future that I do have control of and not let the rape define me. I’m glad you are getting the help you need, don’t give up. It takes a while but your future is WORTH IT. Stay strong! Lynn

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  32. I was dating a guy and he is the guy who took my virginity. I was so in love with him and I would do absolutely anything for him. One day he wanted sex and I didn’t. He asked for at least oral and I gave it to him willingly. He got on top of me and tried having sex but I told him no. He said “you love me” and I said “what makes you think that” and he replied “because I can do this and you won’t say a word” and he forced himself into me holding my arms down. I told him to stop over and over. I tried to get my arm free to push him away and it didn’t work. He only did it for two minutes or so but it felt like hours on end. And he was right..I didn’t say a word about it. I was in denial for so long I didn’t think of it as rape because when I hear about rape I think of it as violent. I see a therapist and she helped me come to terms that I was raped. I have dreams about it all the time and I’m terrified to be alone with a guy again. My therapist barely helps because she says she doesn’t deal with these situations often. I just want my life back, I want to be able to forgive myself and him. I don’t want to be like this anymore. I want to be a survivor not a victim. I just don’t know how. I feel so alone with this. Please help me get control again.

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    1. K. First find another therapist and if you go to rainn.org you can find one close to you that specializes in rape. Or you can try your local crisis center and ask them for rape counselor referrals. This is a very common rape because they think you are theirs and they can do what they want and most girlfriends/wives are shocked and don’t want to believe that it happened so they prefer to act like it didn’t. problem is it did and you were violated which directly correlates to your sense of security and trust going forward. We need to learn how to deal and to learn how to protect ourselves in order to get our sense of security back. Have you ever thought of a self defense class? That really helps too. If you want your life back you have to put in the work but it is worth it and obviously the therapist didn’t help you in the full capacity that you needed. So get a new one and don’t give up. Stay strong! Lynn

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  33. I’m Dani and I am 16 years old. Last year, I was raped by a 30 year old man in the back of a car. He was actually my ex boyfriends uncle, and he would always talk to me about how his nephew was doing and what not. I believed he was my friend until the day he took advantage of me. He forced me to give him a handjob as well as forcing me down to have sex. Holding this in for more or less a year has been excruciating. Today was the day i told my parents and they are deeply disappointed in me. They told me I should have told them, which I didn’t argue with, and much more. I feel so much guilt, and I cannot stop reliving that day. It replays over and over in my mind like a record. I need help, advice, anything, I’m all ears for whatever anyone has to say. I just don’t want to be alone in this sistuation.

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    1. D. First and foremost you need to ask your parents to help you get counseling. They are not handling it right and you need the appropriate support. Can you go through their insurance? If not call a local crisis center and ask for referrals, which they typically can work with you on payment if any. You can also go to rainn.org and find the nearest counselor to you. I’m glad you talked to your parents but they should be putting less burden on you than more, so I hope they realize that. Tell them that it is affecting your school work, your sleep, they way you socialize now and beg them to help with counseling. You can even go to your school counselor and see if they can refer you. You should not be feeling guilty and when you can release that guilt it will really help your situation. I would also consider asking to take self defense classes too, but the counseling is first. Stay strong! Lynn

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  34. i was walking home from school one night and i was rape i still don’t know how to deal with it and i have been snapping at my husband latly because of all my emotional trama and i feel horrible i really do i wish i could get this shit out of my head its so hard!

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    1. N. Don’t think this is going to go away or be forgotten because it doesn’t. HOWEVER you can learn to deal, you can get your life back and you can be happy. But you must do it through professional counseling. We are not put on this earth wired to know how to deal with or understand the trauma of rape. Only professional trained counselors or other rape survivors can truly understand. So maybe try group counseling where there you will build lifelong froends that understand and can share ways of coping or individual counseling. The sooner the quicker you will get your life back. Stay strong! Lynn

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  35. Hello. Im a 22 year old female and I was raped multiple times when I was 16 years old. I was raped by someone very close to me and it took only seconds for me to lose all his trust. I can truly say that I never recovered from it..nor will I ever heal again. That incident ruined my life and it spiralled out of control. I’ve been in and out of numerous hospitals for suicide attempts because I just can’t stop thinking about it and it’s driving me crazy. I’ve never told anyone about what happened because I don’t want to deal with the shame. I need to move on and heal not for my perpetrator but for myself…it’s just easy to say but very difficult to do 😦 Im lost and alone…my innocence was taken away from me and I can never forget that..

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    1. N. Unfortunately you are right that we don’t ever forget BUT if we take the necessary steps we absolutely CAN heal and learn to deal. But you have to be willing to do the steps and ready to take back control of your life. This is all done through either individual or group counseling. If you never let it out then it won’t go away and continue to control your life. I understand the feeling of shame as we all go through it at some point. However you must get to the point where you recognize and truly believe that this wasn’t your fault and it doesn’t define you. You have to understand the more you let out the more room you have for healing. It sounds to me this has been controlling your life long enough, aren’t you ready to live a happy life again? Rape is about control NOT you and I tell people all the time, every day that goes by that your rape dictates your mood, what you do how you think in a negative way means your rapist is still in control. That person doesn’t deserve another minute, haven’t they taken enough? So you must be willing to get to counseling and instead of feeling ashamed you should feel stronger every time you go because you are on the right path of taking control of your life back. Another thing I ask, is if this was your daughter (God forbid) what would you want her to do? Be able to talk to someone close to you and let them know what has happened so they can be your rock as well as get professional help. Maybe take a self defense class to help with her sense of security, whatever would help her. But I think the last thing you would want her to do is not deal or not tell and keep it all locked up and let it ruin her life, right? So help yourself and get professional help. You have a long beautiful life ahead and the only person standing in your way is you. Stay strong! Lynn

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  36. I just finished my first year of college. In the fall semester, I was having trouble with Chemistry and needed help. I tried the tutoring center we have on campus, but it was kind of close to midterms, so everything was full. My best guy friend suggested one of his fraternity brothers that had just dropped the fraternity because it was too expensive. I got in touch with this guy and set up a time to meet each other before getting right into the tutoring. I wanted to make sure he wasn’t creepy. We went out to eat. This guy seemed fine. A typical fraternity guy that my friend would hang out with. We decided to start the tutoring that day. We went back to my dorm to get my stuff. He came in and met my room mate and everything was fun and fine. We went to the library but it was crowded with people and there was no way we would get anything done. Since he was a good friend of a friend, we decided to go to his apartment. Just to be safe, I asked if he had room mates and if they were there. He told me yes. When we got there, we did my homework and studied. He kept touching me and I would tell him to stop and he would. Then when we were done, he grabbed me and it started with touching. He then forced me into his room and held me down so he could have sex with me. I yelled. I told him to get off. Finally after he got what he wanted he left the room and said “I can take you back to your dorm if you want?” There was no way I was getting in a vehicle with him. So I called my friend who suggested I get tutored from him. He didn’t believe me when I told him. I just ran out and went to the someones apartment who lives in the same complex. They took me home. I didn’t call the police. I thought they wouldn’t believe me just like my friend didn’t.
    It has been months since that happened and it is eating me alive to this day. I have used alcohol to make the memory go away for periods of time so I can be happy. That has now ruined my life. I have tried talking to my parents but they are telling me the rape is an excuse for the drinking. At this point, I don’t know what to do or who to talk to. I haven’t been able to talk to anyone. I think about it daily and cry myself to sleep every night from the thought of it.

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    1. C. I’m sorry your friend and family doesn’t believe you or give you the support you need. You definitely need to get counseling. Maybe even your parents will start to believe you then if they know you are getting counseling. But let me be clear it is for you not them. By coming here and telling your story I can tell you are ready to let it out, and that is a very good sign. You need support, understanding and help to move forward and get out of the past and that can and will all come through counseling. You might even want to look into group counseling because there you will find friendships that will last forever and people that have empathy for you and will help you. You also need to have one good friend that you can confide in outside of counseling that you can call day or night when you need them. Someone you can turn to for support or just a should to cry on. Someone you can trust with your story. I hope you have that person and if you do then sit them down talk to them. But make sure you let them know that you don’t expect them to heal you, that you are going to counseling for that. But just someone you can talk to or cry to when needed and explain that your family isn’t there for you. If you don’t have this person then I would definitely suggest group counseling because you will find that person there. Counseling isn’t easy but it’s a lot easier than what you have been going through and the sooner you get into it the quicker you will start to heal. Stay strong! Lynn

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  37. I am a 22 year old female, when I was 12 I was gang raped and abused. Between being repeatedly raped I was beaten with belts, kicked, hit, had stones thrown at me and cigarettes put out on me. I was also drowned multiple times to the point I would loose consciousness and then they would pull me up… I have sent the last 10years trying to recover, I have difficulty having sex as I panic not that someone will do it to me again but that all I will be able to visualise is that night.. I was a virgin at the time when the attack to place and I was raped vaginally and anally.. I have a wonderful partner now who has an idea that I had been abused but not to what extent, I am no longer ashamed but I wouldn’t want to tell him as I love him too much to burden him.. However I find having him in my life has finally made me let go, I can now experiment sexually, and have been able to have rough ish sex without freaking out… When I look into his eyes for a second I feel normal… I just wish I knew a way to stop the nightmares for 7years I had nightmares every night, constantly reliving it all.. It eased off for a bit and then practically a year of lovely dreams… And now they have come back again… Why??? The nightmares are so real as if I’m back there again, I feel their breath, the voices still distinctive… Is there anything that can be done to stop this?? I thought I had recovered..

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    1. J. I’m so glad to hear that you have found someone who you trust and makes you feel safe to where you can try and live a normal life again, with sex. That is truly amazing. I also agree with you that you should NOT give him the details. He should know about your rape so he can have empathy when things are triggered. But the only person that needs to know details are a professional counselor/therapist. And if you haven’t rec’d counseling I highly recommend it especially at this point in your life if you are starting with the flashbacks again. I can tell you a few things that will hopefully help your dreams. First write out your thoughts for the day prior to bedtime, good or bad doesn’t matter just do this as a mental release. You don’t have to keep it just get all your thoughts on paper, even if it’s saying that I don’t want nightmares. Then after that do some yoga righ before bed. This helps release so much tension and the breathing calms the mind and spirit. Try doing this every night that you can. It doesn’t happen over night but the more routine the better you sleep with less anxiety. But again this does not replace counseling. And being able to open up about everything to someone who can truly help will be such a burden off you. Remember the more you let out the more room you have to heal. The more you keep in the more it deteriorates your mind, body and soul. So the sooner the better. Good luck and stay strong because you are very strong to be where you are today. You should be proud! Lynn

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  38. Hi, I’ve recently been raped and I don’t know how to deal with it. My boyfriend finished with me after I told him. I live in China and my family and closest friends live in the UK. I can’t go home as I don’t have any money. I don;t feel like I can tell anyone without being judged. My boyfriend was very robotic and cold about it. He was nice and gentle but he seemed totally indifferent from the situation. I feel ashamed to tell anyone. I was really drunk that night, and I feel like it may have been my fault. I don;t know what to do. I just feel very ashamed of myself.

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    1. 123456789, I understand completely how you feel but you need to know getting drunk does NOT justify being raped. Nothing justifies being raped! I’m sorry about how your boyfriend acted but he wasn’t right for you anyway if he leaves you in your time of need, so don’t worry about him anymore try and just take care of yourself. Find a counselor that you can talk to you get help from since you can’t turn to family. Even if you did have family they wouldn’t know how to help you heal anyway. All they could do is be there to support you, which is fine but in order to properly heal you need a therapist/counselor. And don’t be ashamed because you didn’t do this and it doesn’t define you. It only defines the person that did this to you as a rapist. When you can let go of the guilt that is you first big step towards recovery. Stay strong! Lynn

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  39. Hi Lynn,

    I couldn’t write my common email, because my trust in people is totally devastated. I have been struggling in relationships with man for 3 years now after the thing happened.
    I can’t say it happened by someone i don’t know, he was my boyfriend for 1 year and i wanted to give him a chance after we broke up. He came to my house because he was living in another city during the moment so didn’t have any place to stay at that time. Than i arranged two separate bedrooms that night after we talked a bit and we slept in different bedrooms. In the morning he came to my room and said “come on this is ridicolous ” but i was 21 and we didn’t have any sex with him before. Than he kissed me but i wasn’t sure about it going further and he went down on my body i couldn’t understand first what was he going to do than i realized he actually wanted to find out with his fingers if i was still a virgin or not after dating another person. (We were from a muslim country and it is still important for some guy to be virgin) Than i tried to push him because i realized what he is doing and i even didn’t want him to go further in the first place. He became so angry and didn’t stop it and went on putting fingers in my vagina and trying to find out if i am a virgin. Than i pushed him with my legs and sent away from home politely because i was neither aware of what he was doing nor what happens if i get him more angry. Than he texted me all night swearing as whore, bitch 100 times on mobile phone and email me as i will be only there for you if you need to be fucked. I never replied. And i was in shock for years. I blamed myself for years and didn’t understand why i am doing this. Because he was blaming me i guessed. I couldn’t manage to keep my 2 years of relationship healthy because i still couldn’t trust the person i was with. I never trusted men anymore and i blamed myself. Now 3 years later, i am all of a sudden in one week i got to the realization that i am not raped by a penis but fingers. Humiliated and emotionally abused and blamed by a guy. And now i realize, he did this only as a revenge because he asked if i dated another person after him and i said yes. I started smoking afterwards and has sleeping problems, nausea, eating disorders and depression, moved to another country. I cried for many many nights to myself without knowing why. I tried to put all my energy to my work and accomplish a lot of success but believing that i will never be the same and not being able to love or trust in someone makes me sometimes all of a sudden so upset. I don’t know how to deal with that and it would be nice to hear somethings from you.

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    1. K. I understand why you are feeling the way you do. Not sure where you are living now but if this has been upsetting you for so long then you need to seek counseling. I would also like to say that not all guys are like this and I know it is hard to trust. But if you think you might be able to trust someone and are getting close then just tell them up front that you have been sexually assaulted before. Do NOT give details that’s not their business. But by doing this you will find out if they have empathy for you and willing to work with you, this is a good man. If they don’t have empathy or draw back then they aren’t in it for the right reasons. And you need to tell them in the beginning if you are thinking a relationship so you aren’t hurt later. But nonetheless you need to seek counseling and most definitely make it a women, ,and if you can find your some one muslim, even better! Stay strong! Lynn

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  40. I was raped 6 years ago, and when I told my best friend he told me it was my fault because of what I drank, and that I shouldn’t have gone to the party. The cops were awful, they made me feel like it was my fault, and that what I wore or did or said could have made the difference. I thought that I was being responsible by leaving the party and going upstairs to lay down because I knew I had had too much to drink. I came to while he was on top of me and I still don’t even know his name. He bragged about it afterwards and everyone still called me a slut and told me it was my fault. I was barely conscious. I dropped the charges because it was a friend who convinced me to go to them, and they treated me horribly and shook their heads at me and smirked. Like I was some silly girl who had too much and boys will be boys. I begged my mom to move away and we did. Ever since we moved I haven’t left my house. I can’t leave. It’s been 5 years since I’ve been outside. Yesterday (I guess to try to help me, because I’ve been trying, but we never talk about what happened) she gave me so xanax so that I could talk to a friend of hers who is qualified (she’s a doctor) but she gave me too much and now I feel like any progress I made no matter how little is gone. I can’t stop crying and everything makes me angry. I can’t stop yelling at my mom for the dumbest things, I can’t function. Now I’m just embarrassed that another person knows and I wasn’t ready. I feel humiliated and angry and awful. I can’t talk about it to her and I can’t talk about it with anyone and this is the first time I’m reaching out because I want to stop yelling at her. It’s not her fault I’m so messed up. At this point I just want to stop existing. What am I supposed to do

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    1. L. You NEED to accept the help from this doctor as well as a counselor. Your mom moved you so you are safe but you are not living. And if this doctor is going to help then they need to know. The reason your body is acting like this is because it’s trying to let out what you have held in for the last 5 years hence the yelling, crying etc. The more you let out the more room you have to heal and you body can’t mentally or physically keep this in anymore so please accept the help. Everyday that goes by that this rape controls your life means your rapist is still in control.. Don’t you think 5 years is enough? The minute you accept help you are taking back control of your life and the rapist is no longer in control. It sounds to me (I’m not a doctor) you might have PTSD – Post traumatic stress disorder which definitely needs to be treated if you have it. So get the help and take back control of your life because he doesn’t deserve another minute. Stay strong! Lynn

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  41. Yesterday whilst I was asleep, after drinking too much the night before, my partner had sex with me. I did not know if it was a dream or reality, so I asked him, and he said yes we had sex but I was out of it. I feel violated, ashamed and guilty. Because he’s my partner so why should I feel like this over him having sex with me? Its just that I wasn’t fully conscious, so didn’t consent and was too deeply sleepy to be able to even stop what he was doing. And the fact he did it knowing i “was out of it”. I can’t sleep, I’ve washed, showered and bathed but I still feel dirty. Am I over reacting? I was abused in the past and my partner knows how I feel about things sexually and me wanting to feel safe, loved and for intimacy to be consensual 😦 I don’t know what to do

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    1. C. Understandably you feel this way, especially if he knows your past. It brings back the feeling of someone else being in control of your body when it is NOT theirs to control. Not only do you feel betrayed but brings up a lack of trust on his part. So I do not think you are over reacting. Since this was in the morning I’m assuming he wasn’t drunk (not that that is an excuse) just trying to wrap my head around why he would do this to you. I would obviously have a talk with him and let him know exactly how this made you feel. See how he takes it and then decide if you can or even want to stay with him. If he belittles it in anyway or makes you feel like you are over exaggerating then that shows he is not taking it seriously and I would break up. If he feels empathetic and tries to build his trust back up then decide based on his actions what you want to do. But at the very least he must WANT to respect you and work towards building your trust without waver. Stay strong! Lynn

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  42. Hi,

    I’m 23 years old. I’m in a relationship since two years. I was raped in my home by an acquaintance, while my boyfriend was sleeping next to me. It’s been almost a year since it happened. I’ve been to court and he’s in prison now. I told my boyfriend the second after it happened. My family and friends also know. They’ve all been a good support and they’re all doing the best they can. So am I. It’s been a hard struggle, dealing with the trial and facing him there, having him and his attorney trying to picture me as some kind of lying whore, having his friends “campaign” against me on facebook and coming up to my friends asking them why they’re still friends with me and my boyfriend. It’s been rough and I feel like I’ve been in a battlefield for the last year. Still I’ve manage to go to work and keep up with my studies, which I’m really proud of… But now I’m dealing with it in another way, or maybe it’s easier to say that it feels like I’m not dealing with it. It seems like everyone else think I’m over it, because we rarely talk about it. I know they would if I initiated it, but I just feel like we’ve had those conversations too many times. And after a while you run out of things to say, which is understandable. I just feel like I’m alone in this, ’cause I have no one to talk to that understands. And I feel like if I talk about it people get uncomfortable. So now I’m just not talking about it, but I can still feel the consequences of what happened everyday. Some days I feel really sad and depressed, other days I feel angered. I just don’t know how to deal with it anymore, and I wonder if I will ever be that same girl again. I feel like I lost myself that day, and that person is dead. So I’m 23 years old and I no longer know who I am. I feel like I’m a stranger to myself, and I feel like I’m just getting up everyday and going to school to keep everyone else happy. A few times when I’ve been out drinking with my friends I’ve gotten so worked up in my emotions that I’ve honestly considered to kill myself. It scares me, cause I don’t want to die. I just don’t know how to live anymore… I guess I don’t really know what my questions to you are, and I realize it’s hard for you to make any sense out of this. But I guess I wonder if you ever get back to the person you were after something like this happens? Sometimes I feel scared to be myself, cause they (the attorney and other people) used that against me in court. And nowadays I’m scared to just be me, cause I feel like people are going to judge me or use it against me in some ways. I feel like I can barely trust anybody. Is it normal to feel angry (for no apparent reason)? Is it normal to feel “blocked off” and in a way feel like you can’t be close to other people? (Even the people you love)…

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    1. H. I know you don’t feel like it right now but you are a very strong woman! You have really accomplished a lot and I am proud of you. It is an ongoing struggle especially the more people that know what you have been through. Have you tried counseling? What I would like to suggest to you is group counseling. You would be with a group of individuals that understand and can relate to you. You will build lifelong relationships. You will find ways to cope that have helped others. You will have people you can call 24/7 when you need that understand if you just need to talk or cry and will be there. You need a support group because that is what is missing. And I don’t want you to keep these feelings in because the more you let out the more room you have to heal, remember that! Stay strong! Lynn

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  43. Hello,

    I figured I would try to talk to someone about what happened to me since I can’t even talk to my friends or family about it. I’m 22 years old, when I was 14 I went to party and got drunk to the point that I couldn’t really walk. My cousins boyfriend and his friend (I’ve know both men since basically kindergarten as it was a small town) took me out outside onto some rocks and had sex with me, it was my first time and then they brought me back to my friends house. My cousins boyfriend was sober and his friend was high. The next day I could remember what happened and my back was covered in cuts from the rocks. I immediately told my cousin who did not believe me and is now engaged to him. I’ve never labeled it as rape because I have trouble admitting it so I try to laugh it off. When I finally told my mom last year she told me to just get over it. Now I’m struggling with anxiety, insomnia and depression and I feel like I have no one to turn to or talk to about it. Another thing that happened when I was 8 happened with my first cousin who was 13. He touched me and wouldn’t let me leave my room Until he was done. I find it awkward to even be in the same room as him to this day, my mother also said to let it go. Almost as if she couldn’t come to terms with it. I feel broken, does it ever get any better?

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    1. H. Yes it does get better BUT you have to work at it, it doesn’t “just go away”. By work at it I mean through counseling. As you can see it stays with you which is the proof you need professional counseling in order to learn the proper ways of coping so you can start to heal. A large part of that is through talking and releasing your feelings to someone that does care and can help you. And typically that person is a trained professional counselor/therapist or another rape survivor because only they can truly understand what we are going through. I’m sorry your mother isn’t helping, typically when people react that way it’s for one of two reasons. The first is either they don’t want to believe it and/or just plain talk about it because they love you and it hurts them too much OR because something similar has happened to them and they don’t want to re-visit the feelings, so don’t take it personally even though I know that is very hard to do. You are obviously ready for help or you wouldn’t be hear so seek help from the right person and go to a counselor. You are ready to let it out and move forward I can tell. So the sooner you get into counseling the quicker you can work on leaving your past behind and working towards a happier future. Stay strong! Lynn

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  44. On July 20, 2014 I was raped by four older men. I was leaving a club really wasted and I had just fought with my best friend. That’s when I saw a black sleek car and I got in. They were drinking and had the music really loud it was fun I thought at the time. Then they took me to a secluded area and forcefully took me out of the car and pushed me on the ground each one grabbed my hand and one had a blunt object and said he would disfigure my face if I screamed. The feeling of helplessness and hate was overwhelming. I closed my eyes and said to myself get over this, live through this, it’s okay. Me repeating to myself that it was okay and that it would be over soon was my only consolation. After they did what they did to me I cried silently and I couldn’t stand. I sat on the ground for maybe an hour. I was a virgin…I was 21 years old and I had always been saving it for that special some one…I never uttered a word about what happened that day. I had gotten better and had gone back to concentrating on school but recently I met a nice guy but after being intimate with him I fallen into a deep depression. I feel physiologically damaged. I wish I could have my memories erased. I can’t even tell anyone for fear my mother would find out…something like this would kill her.I feel so alone and I’m afraid that any guy I tell who I want to date will be disgusted by what has happened to me.

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    1. N. First any respectable man will be disgusted but not at you but by what happened to you! This doesn’t define you so try and let the shame go, it only defines the people that did this to you as horrible rapists. Second, you need to talk to the right person and that is a professional counselor/therapist who can help you. And I think that you should be in counseling prior to having sexual relations so you understand why you are feeling this way or even more important hopefully won’t feel this way after a meaningful positive sexual encounter. So please get the counseling you need as you are obviously ready and in the need to talk to someone. It’s not easy but it is a lot easier than keeping it in. Trust me the more you let out the more room you have to heal and this doesn’t just go away. It is something we need to learn to deal with so get the help you need, you and your future are worth it. Stay strong! Lynn

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  45. I can’t quit thinking about it. I can’t quit dreaming about it. I lost my virginity to my step father. The guy is living with my little sister. I don’t understand how he can be free. I don’t understand how to drop the subject or forget it. I’m lost I can’t cope.

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    1. J. Have you told anyone? Can you talk to your sister and let her know to come to you if he makes any advances and how she can protect herself? Do you have any type of proof or can you get any? I’m assuming your mother doesn’t believe you therefore you have to tell your sister so she can protect herself and be aware. If there is anyway you can get proof just go directly to the police. Maybe you and your sister can take a self defense class. Either way you need to get professional counseling. Not only will that help you but it can also help with ideas on how to help your sister. Stay strong for both of you! Lynn

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  46. My name is B. I am 20 years of age. I was raped on August 6th of 2014. At that time, I was in summer school (college) and I was helping people register for the fall. This dude was new in town and I was nice enough to give him help. I gave him my number and we had talked over the phone. He had wanted to take the relationship to the next level and I told him ‘No’. Did he care, no.
    Side information: I was diagnosed with MS (multiple Sclerosis) in 07, (and yes, I was young when I was diagnosed. I was the 5th youngest in the state of Colorado). If you know anything about MS, it is very complicated illness. One issue that happens with me is change in weather. Cold makes it hard for me to move or be active. Heat makes it hard for me to concentrate or to do any mental activities period. As well as me dealing with my mental dysfunction, during the summer I get 2 colds. A little one and a troublesome one.
    Back to the story, when I told him no, he would either say something that would piss me off and I get mad and he would sucker me into doing it or I would be forced into it. At first, it was just sex. Then, he came up to me one day and said, ‘you know how females keep their man is by pleasing them’. By that, he meant he wanted me to go down on him. Again, I said no. Did it matter this time, NO. He would bring me to isolated areas and make me, I do not know how to say it, ‘suck him’. (SOUNDS SOOOO DIRTY)
    This went on throughout the whole summer semester. Then when I began getting sick, due to the cold I get, he saw a weak spot. He saw that I was vulnerable and defenseless. He start playing mind games and telling me stuff I knew wasn’t true. It almost got to the point where I almost believed him.
    I came to my senses and told myself I needed to get away from him. So, on 8/6/14, I confronted him and told him I was gone. it became an argument and I stormed away knowing that what I did was great. Unfortunately, it made me sicker from arguing with him. So bad that I needed to leave my meeting early. And when I did, who was outside the door waiting for me, HIM!!! Again, he saw that I had fallen weak. He took my hand, took me to another building and did his dirt.
    I did not tell anyone until January. And everything is crazy. Mentally, my thoughts are never stopping. They are filled with many confusing emotions. Physically, I am always tired and have had a migraine since the 26 of January. Emotionally,…let’s just say I am trying not to go down a very dark path. Everything hurts. inside-out.
    Finding this had brought me some light, knowing I was not the only one who had more than their innocence taken from them. Getting through it is the hardest part.

    My question, (s), How to rid of the negative thoughts from racing through my head so consistently. How to rid of the self-hatred feeling or strong guilt. And how to see myself as that girl I use to see in the mirror. When I look now, it’s not me. How do I see me again in my refection?
    Thank you again so much for this. You made me smile.

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    1. B. First and foremost I hope you are away from this guy and safe from him now. If you are away from him and safe then thank God. The next step is counseling, which will help with the sexual assaults and you illness but you definitely need to get counseling for both. Rape isn’t about you, it’s about control and rape/sexual assault doesn’t define you, only the person that did this to you. So try to put the shame and guilt where it belongs on him and OFF of you. Once you realize and believe it wasn’t your fault, it releases that burden on you and you start the healing process. So don’t hold onto self hatred, you didn’t ask for this, this was done to you. He is the one to blame NOT YOU! Now get the help you need to take care of yourself so you can stand up tall and move forward and leave the past behind. Stay strong! Lynn

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  47. I am here today because I started to rationize what happened to me and I know I can’t because it was not my fault.
    I don’t know for sure but I believe o was drugged before I was raped by an aquaintence. I was out with a group of friends when the acquaintance bought ME and only me a drink. It all goes hazy after this. People I was with said (why was you like that?)
    When I look back now I believe this aquantience who I will call A. Seems they had it all mapped out. I had the drink they waited unti there was an opportunity to get me alone an lured me into a taxi cab to go onto another bar. Then I remember they said shall we go to mine instead at the time I thought nothing of it an even thought my friends who was out would be following on, after all we had been out in a group for the rest of the night. It was at As home, I remember saying I need to go now but my eye felt so tired they was almost shutting themselves I was extremely disohientated and I could not see the danger laying ahead. All I know after this is that they was on top of me it was like I could see from the outside in for about 5 seconds an my memory is gone, that split second relives itself over and over. I never gave my consent I wasn’t in any fit state. Next thing I know is I awake in a Strange room hours are missing I never woke for about 5 hours straight until then I never sleep right through ever, this is why I am 99% certain I was drugged, thought councelling i
    Also accept that even if I was not drugged I was still in no fit stare to consent to anything an that
    Monster took something that was not give. I had to get myself out of there. I want home was in a daze for a while before it sunk in. I have been to conselling but I don’t know what else I can take from it so I stopped going, also because I wanted to stop talking about it I thought it would help it go away. But each day almost something crosses my mind about that night. I have a partner I told them an they have been supportive. I made a report to police but I didn’t want to take it any further for fear of public humiliation, people who
    Might decide not to believe me. Also because it is a person from a work place I feel everyone would get to know and talk about me. They do not work there now but I have still manged to go to work an not stayed off I do not know how. I am trying to continue withy life as normal as possible. I am scared to go out drinking with friends in case I see them. I don’t want to ever see them again. I think I have done pretty well but the constant mind battle I go through sometimes had
    Led
    Me here. Also sometimes I fell amazing nothing is nothing me, this phase passes an I can go completely the other way very down an sad an I keep thinking my partner will leave me cause he won’t want to be with
    Me anymore but months and months have passed. He tells me if he was going to leave he would of done by now he tells
    Me he loves me. I know deep down he is suffering with some emotions so I have tried to get him to speak to someone but he hasn’t taken that step yet.
    I just need all the advice I can get! How to make the feelings pass an will I ever be able to go out with
    My friend am not be on constant loom out an feel constantly on guard. I’ve had issues sleeping I don’t know If it’s
    Time I saw a doctor, ive avoided up until now as I don’t want to be put on any anti depressants ya as I know they can be highly addictive.

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    1. M. Since you feel that you’ve exhausted counseling (which I disagree if you are still feeling this way) I would suggest a few things. As far as sleep goes try yoga before bed. Also if you are having bad dreams try writing out your thoughts before bed then doing yoga. But if it’s not bad dreams just trouble sleeping definitely do the yoga for like 20 minutes. Maybe even a hot bath, then some yoga then bed. And I would also suggest taking a self defense class. This is going to help with your confidence level when you are out or not with your partner and will just over all mentally and physically help you know that you can take care of yourself. That might make your partner feel better too knowing you can handle yourself when he isn’t around. Hopefully those things will help. Stay strong! Lynn

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    1. A. If you are ready to accept help and talk the best place to start is through counseling. It takes a while for us to be ready to talk but when we are it’s such a big positive step. And the more you let out the more room you have to heal. We can’t keep these feelings locked up because when we do it adversely affects every area of our lives. So find a counselor and get the help you deserve from a professional. It will allow you to get out of the past and give you the future you need and want. Stay Strong! Lynn

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  49. I was physically and sexually abused for a whole year last year by my own ” father.” It barely ended a couple months ago. He would keep it consistent every chance he got he would rape me. He never worked always on drugs my mom was the only one working two jobs. He would even abuse me on car rides to any destination punched me with closed fist. He would act like hes taking me to school but do a u turn and go completely insane. Threaten to kill me and punch me into the window. He would take me home just to rape me. He raped me as many times as possible. He told me if i ever say anything he’d kill my family. My little brother and sister mean the world to me. I’ve had many thoughts of suicide. I just can’t be happy anymore. I suffer from depression. The only person I told was my mom. I need help more than anything. Please someone reach out.

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    1. JH. I sure hope your mother is helping you and I hope she leaves this man for your sake and your siblings. She has to know because of your injuries it sounds like you incurred. If you haven’t already you MUST all get away from this man if not turn him in. I know it’s difficult but your safety is my number one concern. You also need to get counseling immediately especially if you are having suicidal thoughts. If you can’t afford counseling call your local crisis center and tell them what happened (you can do this anonymously) and ask if they offer counseling or if they can refer you to someone that will work with you. Just do it immediately so you can get the professional help you need. I would also seriously consider turning him in since he has threatened you and your family. I hope you told your mother of the threats too. I would also consider getting some personal protection like pepper spray or a stun gun as well as maybe taking a self defense class. Just know that there is a happy healthy life waiting for you but we do have to put the work in to get there. This isn’t going to just go away in time which is why we must learn how to cope. And you can’t keep this inside you which is why the counseling is going to help so much. Also, if you do turn him in the state most likely can get you counseling as well. Stay strong! Lynn

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  50. Hello, I’m not sure how to communicate with someone about this but here I go I’m in high school I’m 17 I was raped when I was 13 byour my aunts boyfriend or use to be boyfriend I always think about it all the time and if I’m in a store and there’s a guy in the same aisle as me or he looks at me I get a panic attack and start to cry thinking it’ll happen again my mom doesn’t know about the panics and crying but she knows what happened the same time her boyfriend was doing this my cousin would sneak into the room and touch me I would yell and tell him to leave but the routine was repeated with both of them this happened for a year and a lil more I don’t know what to doanymore..

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    1. J. Hopefully your Aunts ex boyfriend is long gone because you need to be as far away from him as possible. As far as your cousin, speak up and tell your Mom Aunt whomever just tell them so he doesn’t try this again. I would do three things immediately #1) get counseling. Ask your mother to help you get counseling and #2) take a self defense class and #3) Ask your mother to buy you some pepper spray. If your cousin ever tries to touch you again spray him or anyone else for that matter who threatens to hurt you. Stay strong! Lynn

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