Types of rape

1) Sexual Assault (whether from someone you knew or a stranger):

Rape is an act of physical and sexual violence done to gain power and control. It is not a sexual act or act of passion. Approx. 80% of rapes involve non-physical force, just the verbal threat of injury or threat with a weapon. They use just enough force via mentally or physically to gain submission and then the aggression continues once they have submission. In many cases there are no bruises or physical injury to indicate rape because the rapist doesn’t want to leave evidence and make it harder on the victim to prove. Approx 71% of all rapes the attack is planned by trapping the victim, which occurs in date rape, aquaintance rape, or gang rape. Approx. 11% of rapes are partially planned. This occurs when the rapist realizes that the victim is in a vulnerable position, such as burglaries turning into rape. Also, rape most often occurs in the home of the victim.

2) Submissive Rape:

This is the most unrecognized and least talked about of all rapes. It is also very common because when some victims become so terrified they go into survival mode by staying as calm and figure out the best possible way to get out of the situation, even if that is to temporarily “mentally check out” of the physical act happening. If it happens to be a stranger, submissive rape is common because the victim doesn’t know if this person is capable of killing or not. Most victims of submissive rape feel this was their weakness and unfortunately usually have to answer to the people they’ve confided in and explain why they did what they did, when at the time they don’t understand themselves. Let me tell you, this is a strength not a weakness because the victim did what they had to do to get out of the situation, still alive (even though it doesn’t feel like it). You had to save yourself the only way you knew you could at the time.

Then there is submissive rape with someone you know, even possibly a husband, boyfriend or maybe an ex. This type of rape is very controversial because it is their word against yours and you may have even had consensual sex before. This is also the most common type of rape amongst married people and couples since they are hardly ever reported because they think no one will believe them. It is all about control, not you, remember – rape is rape is rape.

3) Drug-facilitated rape:

I can give some personal insight on this since it happened to me twice in my life. The first time I didn’t know what happened. Didn’t tell anyone and thought I must of blacked out and stayed in denial. Years later I realized what happened to me and dealt with both rapes. Drug facilited rapes are in rampage everywhere from your typical clubs and house parties to your neighborhood restaurants. It can be a stranger to someone you thought you knew or trusted. Their line (if you catch or know them) is always, “I thought you wanted it”! This type of rape is also rarely reported because it takes the victim a while to remember if they ever do. Their minds are so cloudy they aren’t sure what happened. So because they can’t remember all the details or are listening to someone else tell their side of the story they feel they don’t have a case against their rape. My best advice for individuals that aren’t sure of the exact circumstances, believe your gut instincts, because they are typically right. You may not be to account for every detail but a person knows when they have been violated. Just take solice in knowing that you will never have to re-live it. That was the one positive thing that I focused on. Instead of trying to figure out what happened to me, like if I’m all over the internet and how many people assaulted me (I had 7 lesions in my uterus), I focused on the fact that I will never have to re-live my rape. You should still try and get some type of counseling or have an outlet to let out your feelings, no matter what they are. This type of rape leaves a lot to the victims imagination, and the victim might think the worst. Every victim of drug-facilitated rape must remember no matter what the circumstances were..

205 thoughts on “Types of rape”

  1. My last semester in college I had a serious drinking problem that was caused by an on/off dysfunctional relationship ( long story…) anyway during that semester I was going out a lot with the rest of my senior friends and drinking to the point of blacking out.The truth is I didnt even like how the alcohol tasted, I only did it to forget how worthless and weak my relationship made me feel. One night I went out and had way too much to drink and could barely walk. There was a guy at the same bar that i knew from school and was flirting with and he told me he and his friends are driving back to school and he can give me a ride. At this point i remember thinking that there was no way I would have sex with him but that getting the ride would be harmless. I got one of my friends to come with me in the car…about 5 minutes after we got in the car I blacked out. The next thing I know is waking up in my dorm room(I didnt have a roommate). I was completely naked ,upside down on the bed and I remember feeling confusion at first and then panic set in. I immediately felt sharp pain around my vagina but I was too scared to even look down. I went to the bathroom and I will never forget how I cried as I tried to pee…it felt like someone was cutting me with a knife….then I saw the blood on the tissue I used. I tried so hard to remember what happened and only remember about 2-3 seconds of feeling extreme pain and saying “No”. Now when I think about it a part of me wishes i didnt remember…. I cried on the bathroom floor then called my friend who was in the car with me. She said she was too drunk to bring me to my room(she lives in another building) so she asked the guy who offered to give us a ride to get me to my room safely. She said she knew I used to flirt with him and she didnt think it would be a big deal.She felt really guilty and said it was her fault when I told her what happened. I later found a txt from him saying he was sorry he had to leave…so I txted asking him what happened and at first he said I was throwing up non stop and couldnt even walk ..so I straight up asked him if he used protection and he changed his story and tried to say he didnt use a condom because “we got right into it”…which of course contradicted him telling me how he was helping me while i was throwing up and him helping me walk…at that point I ended the txt conversation because I knew he would keep changing his story and would deny any wrong doing.I didnt leave my room that day, I could barely walk …there was severe tearing in my perineum area from the forced penetration. I was ashamed and blamed myself for everything and didnt go to a doctor until about a 4 days after. At that point it was impossible to do a kit but she ran the routine STD tests (which thankfully all came back negative). After weeks of hating myself and contemplating suicide, missing classes/work and barely eating or leaving my room my grades started to get messed up. After 4 years of getting almost straight A’s it all started to fall apart so quickly…when I failed to turn in major paper for one of my Psychology classes my professor basically confronted me and asked what was wrong and I finally broke down and told him everything. He literally walked me to the counseling center that day. I started opening up to the therapist and she told me it was never my fault and that it was rape …Even though i’m in a ‘relatively’ good place in my life right now I still blame and hate myself for putting myself in that position…and sometimes even ask myself if it was even rape since I let myself get that drunk… usually when I get stressed out and overwhelmed with other stuff it pops up in my head and makes matters worse but I know I have come a long way from the time I would think of jumping out the window or slitting my wrist so I know it will keep getting better, one day at a time…

    Like

    Reply

    1. M. I’m glad to hear you are getting the counseling you need because the more you let out the more room you have to heal. I hope that you truly believe that this wasn’t your fault. It doesn’t matter that you drank so much because that isn’t a green light for someone to rape you. You obviously weren’t consenting because you were hurt so bad. So the first step is truly believing it wasn’t your fault and the second is knowing that the rape doesn’t define you, only the person that did this to you as a rapist. Stick with your counseling, pay attention to your drinking and yes take it one day at a time. I would also suggest taking a self defense class since you are still in school AND to help with your confidence level so you don’t get back in a nasty relationship. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  2. I found your page on google. I’ve been sexually assaulted three times and I still can’t accept what happened.

    The first time I was 14 when someone older than me (he was 18) made me touch him. I was so stupid for getting in that situation. I kept telling him no I didn’t want to but he wouldn’t let go of my hands. I felt so ashamed, I didn’t tell anyone. Obviously he did because whenever I seen him or his friends they would shout my name and laugh at me. My so called friends at the time didn’t ask me what happened or if I was ok.

    When I was 18 I became involved with someone I’d known for a year before. He was 6 years older than me and I wish that had put me off. I don’t know if it was just my age but I loved him and was so happy. The control and emotional abuse was a gradual thing but it reached the point where I was always apologising for him being annoyed/angry. whenever I didn’t want to have sex he would pressure me into it and wouldn’t take no for an answer. I don’t even know if I would call it rape but once I didn’t give in but he forced me to anyway. I was crying but I couldn’t get him off me. That broke me and I just left and never went back. I’ve not seen him since. I looked him up online and he lives in Italy now. It ried to deal with this at the time but I couldn’t. I was a mess and eventually withdrew from university a year after ‘that’ happened.

    I started seeing someone new when I was 24. We seen each other regularly and I’d known him for two years before we started dating. I thought he was a nice man. One night, after a few drinks, I woke up to find him touching me. I didn’t know what to do, I was scared because of what happened in that previous relationship. I just moved away from him and he said if I’d slept with him the night before he wouldn’t have had to do that.

    I’m 28 now and I’m still not able to deal with it. I keep going through everything in my head. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I’m terrified of talking about incase I completely fall apart. I just don’t see me ever being able to get over it.

    The last person I wrote about, after I left I found out I was pregnant. I kept the baby and we have no contact with my ex boyfriend. I did start seeing a counsellor after having PND and the traumatic birth triggered my feelings about what I’d been through. She thinks I don’t deal with things and I don’t let anyone in. She also said I zone out a lot and she wonders where I go. This is what she’s said without me even mentioning the three events.

    I do blame myself because I’m what these three people have in common. I don’t think I want to really accept that it really happened. When I think about the first one I think I was 14, that was half my life ago, I should really have let it go.

    I’m sorry for leaving a long post on your page. I think it’s great that you’re letting women know that they’re not alone by sharing their stories on here. xxxx

    Like

    Reply

    1. JA, First let me explain sexual assault/rape I like to describe is like a shadow, you can’t run or hide from it, you have to turn and face it head on. Until you do that you don’t let it go because it is always there. Sometimes more than others but it definitely shows it’s ugly head at times when we least expect it and can affect every aspect of our lives. So the only way to face it head on is to get professional counseling. I know you said you might completely fall apart and I’m not gonna lie it isn’t easy BUT it isn’t as hard as what you went through and even though it doesn’t seem like it you DID survive that and I know you can survive counseling. The other thing is you need to fall apart and let it all out because the more you let out the more room you have to heal. The more you keep locked in the more negatively it will affect you, which the proof has been all the past years. I promise you once you get the proper counseling you will be able to let go of the past and focus on your future. And other than counseling (which is a priority) there are 2 other main things you MUST do #1) Truly believe that you are not at fault for any of these circumstances. The only thing you did was trust these people and that is a good thing NOT a bad thing. They are the ones that ruined that trust YOU had nothing to do with that. #2) Forgive yourself, because all these years you’ve been beating yourself up and there is no reason for that. The power of forgiveness can and will truly help you. I hope this helps. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  3. OK, well i am now 17, i was raped by my babysitter when i was 6 years old. I had not told anyone until just a few months back. I know I should have told my family sooner but I did not know how they would react and was scared that they were going to think of me differently. I need to know if it is to late to report it since it was 11 years ago, It is hard for me to remember all that happened but what I do remember has and will scare me for the rest of my life. I think what scares me most is how I have convinced my self that I am just fine when it is tearing me apart inside. I can not even open up to my therapist because I do not want to disappoint anyone even her, i want to be strong not weak. But I want to be truly strong not just have to fake it all the time. I don’t want to convince myself to be happy I want to BE happy and move on with my life but I know I can’t have any peace of mind without knowing that i have done everything i can to protect other people from this man.

    Like

    Reply

    1. L.S. First if you know the persons whereabouts and want to report him you can. However unless they have some sort of evidence there isn’t much that can be done. BUT if someone else has reported him then you might have a case against him so it is worth a try and at the very least it would put this person on the police’s radar. Now back to you. By opening up to your therapist that is being strong. It’s actually the bravest and strongest thing you can do because you are facing your fears instead of “faking” it and letting it eat you up inside. Let me put it this way, rape is about control and everyday that you don’t get professional help he is still in control of you. Don’t give him another day. Tell your therapist and take back control of your life because you deserve to be happy and by getting the help you need you aren’t letting him control you anymore. He has had control long enough! Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  4. Thank you, it really does help. I’ll try counselling. I feel like I’m so close to talking about it but I’m still terrified. xx

    Like

    Reply

  5. I was raped by an unknown man . He broke in my back door while I was sleeping with my 6 year old daughter. I awoke to his hands around my throat, threatening to kill my little girl if she woke up. He had a knife and lead me to my bedroom and raped me. I cried, but had to remain as quiet as possible as all I could think of was my daughter and what might happen to her. When he finished his disgusting crime, he said if I called the police, he would come back and kill me and my daughter.thank god, she did not wake up as it was 3am. Well, that was in 1980 and my rape kit was tested 6 months ago and they found him, due to the fact that the man had been incarcerated. the kbi did another dna profile and it is him. he violated his parole and was arrested, then brought to the jail in the town where i live. he has been there since may 2,2012. I never saw his face as it was pitch black in my apt,well, i have to go to court in three days and will see him for the first time, i will also have to testify. although it has been 32 yrs ago, i remember it all too well. I am really freaking out about going to court, but the sonofabitch needs to be accountable for his crime and do his time. my life was a real mess after he raped me, and i hope justice is served on aug.2

    Like

    Reply

    1. P. I know you are overwhelmed but I know you can do this. Rape is about control (not the victim) and once they rape they typically do it again, sometimes whether or not they have been caught because it is a control sickness. So this is what I want you to think of when you go. Think of the fact that by you going to court not only are you taking back control but you are keeping him off the streets for that much longer making it safer for you, your daughter and all women out there. And WE THANK YOU!!! Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  6. i am 17 yrs old an i was sexually exploitated by males and gang raped , from the age of 13 i have only just had the confidance to tell the police . i am going to court in januray next year and i am very scraed . i have never had any concerlling as i am scared to re live my memories that played nearly 4 years in my life even though the police friends and family have tried to surrport me i just cant seem to bring myself to terms with what is goiing on and what has happend in my life , i suffer from anxtiy and unfortuntily cant talk to any guys that want to talk to me because im scared . ino i have to deal with it but u cant right now my case is comming soon an di dnt no how im going to cope , but i do no i have to do it for myself and all the outher girls they could make victims of just like me . how i will cope i will never no how i have coped upto now i stil will never no

    Like

    Reply

    1. S. You are stronger than you know and it proves it since you reported them and are going to court. Which is why you should get counseling because as hard as it will be it’s NOT as hard as what you’ve already been through. So why not help yourself especially during the court process. Don’t you want someone to support you and help you the way that others can’t? Because unless you have been through rape or are a trained professional like a counselor, no one else can truly help you the way you need. It isn’t easy but I promise it is worth it! You can do it, you are strong and you deserve the support and help for you and your future. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  7. s: I cannot believe your story and it is truly sad. I was gang raped by more than 15 plus monsters and cannot fathom the courage you had to go to the police. I did not and must live with this everyday. I wish i was stronger, my mom told me the rape was my fault and I got no support from anyone. I continued life as thugh nothing had happened to me.I now suffer from severe PTSD and major physciological issues that are now coming to the surface. I did not want to talk about it but it was either that or I kill myself. The fear and anxiety that I live on on a daily basis is too much for one to bear. I wish you luck and do not know you but are proud you have courage, be strong and god bless you. I live day to day and fight my demons inside. i go to therapy and I strongly recommend the same for you. Gang rape is on another tier on a rape and is just as bad but can be worse for people like us who where attacked. I was violently assaulted and at gun point. I have a son and he is the reason I breathe each day.

    Like

    Reply

    1. M. Thank you for your comment on S. story and you too are brave to know that you need to seek the help that you and your son deserve. You are doing the right thing for you! Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  8. To each individual who has commented on this forum:

    I pray for each of you, and send as much as might and possible may my personal strength and comfort to each of you. Rape is among the cruelest, most gruesome crimes a person can commit, and that a person could be prey to. I myself have been the victim of multiple rapes-9 adults in all, including both men and women. Among them, my own father who was the first, after multiple attempts at killing me and my mother, and raping her in front of me, he then took to raping me. Then, at age 4, after mum and I ran away from my father, I was learning to speak English, and a neighbor took to raping me. And he was creatively cruel, using tools to further the “pleasure”, and his girlfriend soon joined in.

    At the age of nine, five men gang raped me, the act an initiation into one of the most violent gangs in my old hometown. The rape lasted some four hours, and they too were creatively cruel. I have internal scarring and damage due to that event. Some months later, a drunk young adult overpowered me, then at the age of sixteen, my ex-step-father decided he would “help me cope with my past by raping me to demonstrate his love for me”. And I snapped after that, a downward spiral of self destruction that took me past the brink of alcoholism, risky behaviors, self mutilation, starvation, and finally: a suicide, in which 911 arrived in time to restart my heart.

    I have never been counseled for my past in a psychological setting, but I resolved myself-at that bottomless pit-to dig myself out. And now, at age 21, I work with Special Education and Severely Emotionally Challenged children who have too been through hell and back so many times they have dual residency. Each rape was a beast of a person’s attempt to degrade me, as each of yours personal horrors as well. But the best survival-the strongest response to that-is taking those horrid events and in some way, finding how they not only make you stronger, but those around you stronger as well.

    Healing takes a lifetime, and patience, and tears, and prayers, and blood, and sweat. I thank Jehovah God for having given me the strength to endure. But whether you are religious or not, please always remember that there are people out there who right now are surviving. Every day is survival, and for those like you here, it’s even tougher. But the fact that you are even here, reading this now-that in and of itself reveals how truly strong you are.

    You never realize how truly strong you are until you have to be. And even then, crying is natural, normal, and healthy. ‘Surviving is not your weakness-it is your strength’.

    Like

    Reply

  9. i dont know where to start but here it goes i have lived for almost 7 years after that incident i was raped by my teacher. I never told anyone about it because i was so afraid that people will think of me differently and that no one will believe me since that teacher was too friendly in school and that many students think his cool..i kept the incident to myself for all this years because i thot it would be better this way,until few weeks i started to have nightmares.i kept dreaming of the incident over and over again.
    i was about to go to a gathering with my classmates but i was late and they all left without me.then,when i saw my teacher passing by in my best friends dorm.He was stop his scooter and ask me where i’m going and told him.he said,he was on his way too but he have to go back to his boarding house to get some stuff for the event.since he was my teacher i didn’t hesitate to go.on his b.house he ask me to wait on his room since there are ohter male students in the living room.one of the students came and offered me a drink.few minutes later i felt something was wrong because my teacher was taking too long.i tried to go out but i was surprised that the door was locked from the outside.i started to panick and cried.i asked for the help of the male students outsideone came close to the door and i saw him peeping in the small hole.i can still remember their faces.but they just left me even they heard me crying.i was so exhausted and felt so weak.til my teacher came and i struggle to go out.he carried to another room with prepared bed and linens.i know what his up to.he told me not to fight back or i’ll get hurt and my ohter female friends.i was so afraid that i the only thing i can think of to survive is to submit.then the thing happened.i wanted to report the incident.but there were few times that i saw him passing by infront of our house,worst he stopped once and ask how am i doing even i’m with my father.my father asked me and i said he was my teacher.knowing that he can come close to my family and friends made me more frightened and decided to keep from talking bout what happened.after few weeks an issue sprouted like mushrooms in our school.saying i have a relationship with him.i denied everything and thot now no one will believe me more even if i tell the real story.for many years i kept everything to myself and live normally,now im working abroad and about to go back home within 2 months.and this nightmare comes back haunting me.i heard from a friend in college that my teacher is now married but still teaching in the same school.what should i do?

    Like

    Reply

    1. PTSD. The easy answer is stay away as far as can from this man. The hard answer is you can report him to the school and police. The reason it is hard is because it is 7 years later and without evidence or any other reports about him there isn’t much they can do. However, it can and will be noted just in case he pulls it again and someone else reports him. What I would do is ask the school if there have ever been reports made on him from anyone else because based on your story and him having involved other male students, this was a pattern and you weren’t the first or the last. The reason I would start with the school is because IF there was a report to the police the school would have been notified. Then I would also tell your family what happened, especially if you are going back to move home. Rape is about control NOT you, which is why he came by your house to make you feel threatened, so he would still be in control. If you choose to do nothing because it was 7 years later at the very least you need to take a self defense class, get some pepper spray and most importantly get counseling. Because it will continue to haunt you, no matter what you do or do not do with him, without the proper counseling you need. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  10. Is silence consent? Was it Rape?
    An abusive boyfriend knew I didn’t want to have sex, I told him I didn’t really feel ready. I had told him. He spread round school that we had, and everyone called me names. He would get angry for the slightest thing and often was very sadistic and emotionally and physically hurtful, so I was scared of him, but I loved him too. He got very very angry if he didn’t have his own way so one night when he got into bed secretly (he had been horrible to me previously and I was sleeping in his dad’s living room) I just didn’t say anything, and let him do it, even though he stopped when I began to cry because it hurt a lot. He did it again over the next few months and it got increasingly worse. I loved him, but he was incredibly horrible to me, and left me feeling pathetic and worthless for nearly two years. I was kicked, punched, strangled etc when I made him angry. He touched me, and I thought it would make him nicer to me but I told him it hurt because I wasn’t aroused very often- I think now it was because I was so scared. My head would just go black when it happened- I felt horrible. He told me I looked disgusting, and I made him feel sick. When he said that it was llike my insides were rotting.
    I didn’t say anything, not ‘yes’ not ‘no’. I just went along with it. I felt like he’d destroyed my image with my friends and set me up by pressuring me until I wouldn’t protest.
    I DO NOT want to sue, press charges etc.
    I’m 16 now, and was 14 at the time. We’re at 6th form, and he’s spread to everyone I’m a **** and we slept together. He has a new girlfriend. Is silence consent? Does the fact I was scared of him count, or scared of what he’d do if I didn’t do what he wanted? I just didn’t want a fight. I didn’t think he’d hit me after but the words he would say were worse-what he’d tell other people. He did strangle me but I would have preferred that. He made me feel so worthless I didn’t think anyone would care at the time. I’ve been to a doctor about the abuse, but I’ve never mentioned this. I really, really didn’t want to think about it ever again- Because it made me feel so awful and guilty. So I’ve never spoken about it to anyone. Have I been assaulted? When I did agree- It eventually became a way of making him just be nice to me, especially if I was stuck at his house. He would also sometimes force me to touch him. I’d love some advice, to know if I’ve been raped. Thank you.

    Like

    Reply

    1. H. You absolutely have been sexually assaulted! The fact that you told him you didn’t want sex and that he mentally, verbally and physically abused you and you let him do it out of your safety is a common type of rape and happens all the time. Rape is about control NOT you and that is exactly what this guy is doing. I’m just glad you were able to get away from him. You need to try and stay away as far as possible and I would even recommend a self defense class. But whatever you do you need to get into counseling because this didn’t just happened once, you went through years of abuse and whether you realize it or not the things that will stem from this abuse without counseling can affect the rest of you life, especially in relationships or when you have kids. So call your local crisis center or go to rainn.org to try and find the nearest counselor to you that can help. Just please put your mental and physical state first and get the help you need to have the bright future you deserve. Counseling and self defense will build you back up from all those years you were knocked down. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  11. if you were messin around with someone and one night,while in the act,you tell him to get protection,he doesn’t listen,and you tell him to stop and he still doesn’t listen,would that be considered rape?

    Like

    Reply

    1. That’s a tough one. Reason being if you were consenting to have the sex (but you wanted protection) then it’s an issue about protection. When you state “in the act” to me that sounds like he had already penetrated you. If you are consenting and let him penetrate you and then thought after his penetration oh we need protection, then I personally would not consider that rape but about the protection aspect. But if there was no penetration and you were adamant about not having sex without protection and he forced himself on you then I would consider that rape because you were not consenting to having sex without protection. Again, I was not there and this is my opinion from the info you left. Hope that helps. Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  13. This happened to me two years ago. Only about a month ago did I finally allow myself to accept what happened and only since then have I considered myself a victim of rape.
    And even though that is what it was, I still struggle to call it that, because the circumstances weren’t consistent with those of rape. Whereas rape generally comes about out of a display of power or control, mine was the result of a genuine misunderstanding.

    I was 19 and in college. I had started dating a non-classmate (neighboring college) about three months prior. One night after hanging out together, I fell asleep next to him on his bed. This had happened before and nothing questionable had resulted. Except shortly before this event, he gave me the, “C’mon seriously, are you ever going to be ready?” lecture, and I assured him that yes I would, eventually, but not immediately.

    Anyhow, we were making out and stuff and things got pretty heated. I’m a pretty stubborn person and often make an act out of that. However, in this case as it had JUST been discussed, it was (as far as I thought) clear that I was NOT pretending and that I did NOT want him to continue.

    Long story short, I lost my virginity that night. Not willingly, although it WAS possible for me to have done more to *absolutely* stop him. I am not saying that this was my fault! I am simply saying that it also wasn’t HIS fault.

    About a month later I finally confronted him about it. I told him that I had not been pretending and that I had genuinely NOT wanted to have sex. The look of horror and devastation on his face makes me 100% convinced that he would not have proceeded had he known I didn’t want it.

    However, in that moment, for me, from my perspective, it was rape insofar as it was unwanted sex by some degree of physical force.
    I just have trouble considering it as equal to other cases of rape as it did not have the same malicious intent.

    I only just recently (this past weekend) told a couple of my closest friends about it. They’re doing what they can to help me sort out how I feel about it, but I’m hesitant to talk to my family and stuff (at least right now) because I feel they’ll react a lot more strongly than I have.
    Don’t get me wrong, it HAS affected my life. For the past two years I’ve had emotional intimacy problems as well as a couple of empty, purely physical relationships because after what happened, that’s the only kind I know how to have. (This is what I’ve been working on in 2013, and I’ve already made tremendous progress.) It’s also affected the way I handle stress and has negatively impacted my willingness to commit to any decisions I face. (Also been working on this. It’s a bit harder, but my friends have been amazing.)

    I’m just not sure how to go about dealing with this, as calling it “rape” seems a little bit controversial here, as he was not and is not a bad guy. (No, we are not still together, but not for this reason.) He did not intend to rape me, and was absolutely disgusted with himself when he realized what he’d done.
    But it WAS rape…? So I’m pretty confused.

    I’ve been focusing on dealing with it more than labeling it, but it’s hard to deal with something you can’t precisely name.

    Like

    Reply

    1. S. This is what I know that is a fact, if you tell a person no, it means no. I don’t care if you are laying on the bed naked and you say no and make it very clear and he doesn’t listen that is rape. Also, if he forces himself whether or not leaving bruises, meaning he could force himself slowly and not not trying to maliciously hurt you but still force himself by not listening, this is also rape. You were the only one there who knows exactly how it happened but based on your words to me, I consider it rape without a date. People will push things as far as they can sometimes, even if they are “nice” because sometimes that’s how they get more and know they can get away with it because that’s exactly what you will think. He didn’t do it maliciously he just didn’t listen. Anyway, what you need to do now is to get into counseling immediately. The longer you wait the longer it takes to heal. Your friends and family can only support you and have empathy but the only people that can truly understand and teach you right ways to cope is professionally trained individuals or other survivors who know what you’ve been through. So as strong as you sound, you also sound like you are a little in denial because this was ALL HIS FAULT! If he would have simply listened and respected you, none of this would have happened, right? It doesn’t sound like you are scared of the work you will need to put into your life to get through this and you are ready, so do it the right way with a counselor. Because at some point if rely only on your friends they are not gonna know how to help and then feel helpless and then possibly start to back off and that is the last thing you want or need. So again tell them you are getting counseling and that you don’t expect them to have the answers. But you do appreciate and want their support and empathy. Then they will feel the pressure to help you deal taken off them and will be there for you more. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  14. It has been 4 days since I have been raped. I want to share my story because I need a reaction. I need someone to confirm to me that it was in fact rape. I can’t feel right now. I feel dead inside. No feelings..nothing. I don’t know why I can’t cry or feel sorry for myself. I just don’t understand. Maybe It’s denial. On Saturday night I was staying on a hotel room with some friends. We were all partying..drinking heavily and getting ready to go see some music. I decided not to go because I was really drunk and it was already 10 p.m. and I had to be to work ea.rly the next morning. So I was the only one who stayed behind. The rest of my friends, one being my boyfriend, left to go see the music. I fell asleep pretty quick. I woke up around 1045 to someone opening the hotel room door. It was dark and i couodnt see who it was. In a drunken state I asked if it was my boyfriend. I called out his name. I recieved no reply and didn’t think anything of it because we were going to have other people shate the room. I was drunk…and fell bavk asleep. When I woke up the next time it was to someone taking their pants off and climbing into bed with me. It was still dark and I just assumed it was my boyfriend..I mean who else would take their oants off and hop into bed with me? I fell back asleep. I woke up when I felt someone touching me down their. Rubbing me and kissing my neck. This time i was more aware of what was happening and immediately i felt long hair. This was not my boyfrie.d. it was this guy I was aquainted with and who was suppose to be with my friend Kelly at the concert. I was upset and said what are you doing! Stop! I have a biyfriend. I don’t want this. He didn’t say anytjing and continued. I was still really drunk and I just felt so weak. So when he crawled on top of me I couldnt push hom off. He opened my legs with his legs. Then proceeded to insert himself in me. I said no so many times. I tried so hard to close my legs so he couldnt grt himself further in me. If i wouldnt have been so intoxicated i coukdve easily pushed him off of me. If i wasnt so drunk I couldve yelled and screamed. I was in a haze. I wasn’t me. I pushed him and grabbed his upper arms and said no. I said please dont. The only reason hr stopped was because a food delivery guy was knocking on the door. So when he got up to answer the door i got up and ran out the door to my car. Locked myself in it and called my boyfriend who showed up and kicked him out. I sat in a scalding hot bath for an hour. I am writing this…my story…and I don’t feel anything. I know that was has happened to me is terrible…bit i can’t feel. I don’t know what to do. I need to feel something.

    Like

    Reply

    1. K. You don’t feel anything because you are still in shock since it is so recent. Many different emotions will come but you need to know how to deal with them properly. By that I mean through counseling. I’m so glad you came here to ask for help because the quicker you try to get help the quicker the healing process. And because of all these different emotions you are going to feel you need to understand they are common and you are not crazy and how to deal the right way, NOT through drugs and alcohol. Those are only temporary fixes and you will almost always feel worse the next day! Call your local crisis center or a counselor through medical insurance or go to rainn.org and find the nearest counselor to you. Have you though of reporting him? Hopefully your friend isn’t seeing him anymore after that as well. But you have to take care of yourself first. I want you to read through “steps in the healing process” on my website which can help between counseling appts. But I promise the longer you wait the longer it takes and to prove that theory you can go through the posts and see how long it haunts people without the proper counseling. Your friends and boyfriend can only be a should to cry on or there to make you feel safe but unless they’ve been raped or a trained professional in counseling/therapy they just don’t know how to actually help you. I think it’s great that you aren’t scared to ask for help and you want the help so don’t stop with this site and get into counseling immediately. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  15. My best friend was gang raped at 13 years of age and never reported it. She is still suffering every day now some 20 plus years later. I am desperately trying to help her (we have had a physical relationship too) as this is affecting all aspects of her life. It was an horrific attack and I dont even like to think about it so god knows what she is going through. I have tried to tell her to report it, but she keeps saying what is the point after all this time. About 4 years ago she was on the bus and saw one of them on the street outside and called me up absolutely hysterical. I cant rewind time or I would and I would die before I let them hurt her. My main point is this. IS there any point her reporting it even now? She still lives in the same town it happened and walks past the spot most days. It must be horrendous for her. Any advice?

    Like

    Reply

    1. Dee, Unless she has evidence (pictures, rape kit, etc) I think reporting it wouldn’t help much UNLESS these people have a record of rape BUT again she would need some type of evidence. That being said the best thing for her to do is get some counseling. It’s not easy but it’s a lot easier than what she went through and is still going through. I wonder after all this time she hasn’t though of moving. I personally wouldn’t put myself through walking past where it happened. I always tell people the longer you wait to get counseling the longer it takes to heal. Rape is like your shadow that you can not run from you have to turn and face it head on. And I’m not referring to subjecting herself to the place where it happens I mean through the proper counseling. But she has to be ready to go, you can not force her. What would she do God forbid this was her daughter… wouldn’t she help her the best way she could, through counseling? Only people that have been raped or professionally trained counselors/therapists can effectively help. All you can do is be her rock for a shoulder to cry on or help her feel safe and as good as that is it isn’t enough. Has she thought about taking a self defense class? That is a great thing to do to help with her confidence and sense of security. All and all she can live like this forever or help herself but again she has to be willing or it won’t work. And again I would consider starting fresh somewhere to live and through counseling. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  16. I don’t know if it is considered rape. I need to know if I should report this incident or not. I don’t know if the word rape is appropriate. We had conversations before about me not wanting to have sex because I dont want to get attached and I’m moving soon. We were carrying on a romantic and sexual relationship but not having sex. We got condoms because I wanted to make sure no pre-ejaculation got on me (I don’t take birth control so I explained that it is just a precaution). A few nights ago I said he needs to put a condom on because he was leaking. He asked me if I want him inside me and I said are you sure you’re ready for that? He said ‘with you, yes’, then asked me if I’m ready to have sex. There was a pause as I was formulating my words to let him down, but then he went in. I was shocked and in-denial wishing that hadn’t happened. I was worried about the emotional repercussions but also that I was just raped. It seemed to me like he wanted to make sure he got in, and didn’t want to let me say no. After he went in i didnt say anything because I was just scared, and confused, and hurt. He asked me how it was afterward and I said “scary”. He is the charismatic charming type. I dont know if I should report this right away. Ignoring it seems like an insult to myself and hurts me to value myself so little….but I also dont want to ruin someones life. When I try to ask myself if I’m to blame for having my clothes off, I cant bring myself to actually ask the question because a loud voice in me says NO! It is not my fault that he lost control or made that decision to go ahead without my consent.

    Like

    Reply

    1. JH. I’m going to be very honest and I hope that is what you want. Based on your post where I can’t get past is when you said to him “I said are you sure you’re ready for that?” That is you asking him if he is ready not you saying “I’m not ready for that”. I wasn’t there, you were so I’m not going to say this was rape or not. What I am going to say is I can understand where his confusion was of basically thinking it was Ok. First by asking him to put the condom on (I understand your reasoning) second because you asked him if he was ready for that and third by not telling him to stop or say no after he did put it in. Based on what you said he did not use force, you didn’t tell him no or to stop during this encounter (I know you did before but not this time). Guys don’t think about what you told them before (even though they should) there brains and other things listen to what is going on right now. And especially with sex they are hoping you are going to give in at some point. So by you saying “Are you ready for this” and not saying “I’m not ready” that was a green light for him because he was and has been obviously ready. So based on that I’m going to leave the decision up to you because again you know him and you were there not me. But I will tell you it would be very hard to convince an officer that this was rape. But it is your life and your call. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

      Reply

    1. KS, If you have a local crisis center I would start there. Some offer free counseling and some go by your income. But if they don’t offer free counseling they should be able to tell you where there is. Good luck and stay strong! Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  18. I was diagnosed with PTSD & Disassociative disorder and borderline personality disorder. I was abused in every way by my father as far back as I can remember. My mom was violent and very bullish. My whole life I was constantly blanking out and losing control any time someone got close. I was irrationally afraid of men. When my parents divorced ibwas placed with my father after not seeing him for a long time. I was 13. I was abused by him even more now that I had a shape. 3 years later I was nearly killed at school. I had a brain injury. I had to stay at home from school for a while. A few years later, I started having flash backs about little kids being tortured and abused including myself. Eventually, I realized that these flash backs were memories and not dreams. That’s whenI got diagnosed. A long courtship, marriage, and separation later. I find myself alienated from my siblings and friends and homeless with no job and a long history of suicide attempts. I met a man 18 years my senior in the shelter I was staying in. He told me every thing about himself. I told him I was religious and still married. He persued me relentlessly. I gave in. He got me to change my look, style, standards, hopes, dreams, plans, he turned my whole world upside down. If I made a friend, he would gey so upset about it he would break stuff and call me names and scream and yell. He looked so muchlike the people tthat hurt me that I wasn’t sure if he would hurt me too. By this point, we were living together and I was caring his child. He never hit me, but he liked to make me think he would by charging at me to back me down when I stood up for myself. He always apologized and insisted he loved me more than anyone including his other kids. But he wasnt good to me tho. Never listened to me or did any of the things I asked of him for the sake of the baby. At this point I couldn’t take my psych meds because of the baby so I had a lot of symptoms. He never wanted to help with any of that. He would pretend like he didn’t know. He even made me watch A Girl with a Dragon Tattoo. A horrible movie to watch if you have a traumatic history. I was instantly triggered and he jusy made it worse. I tried killing myself many times after that and running away, but I kept coming back because I couldn’t kill my baby and I had no where to go. Now, sometimes when im sleeping, I wake to him performing sexual acts on me or him making me do certain things to him. Sometimes I have no underwear on when I wake or sometimes they’re all wet and my legs and sheets are all sticky. When I ask about it he pretends not to understand or know what im talking about. He told me before that his exgirl friends told him that when he did that, it was rape, but he said that he was in a relationship with them and that they went to bed wearing jusy underwear and that he just wanted to give them a massage to make them feel good, but it turned him on. But they never said no or asked him to stop so it wasn’t his fault or rape because he didn’t force them, hurt them, or threaten them. Still, he hasn’t admitted to doing the same thing to me, but I think he has more than once. Is this rape? How should I deal with this because my son is going to be screwed if I leave his father and we have no money or anywhere to live. I still have no friends or family either. He has the means to take care of us financially, bur staying makes me feel like a prostitute. Also, the community knows qw have been in a relationship and I dont think anyone will believe that he raped me. No one believes me wven still about what my fathwr did and how I was held caprive by him and his friends andb how other kids died from what they did, so I dont think anyone will believe ky boyfriend raped me eithe r

    Like

    Reply

    1. BD. You obviously know that your father sexually abused you so if you are specifically asking me about the man you are living with now my question is have you ever told him no or not to do it? If he is did something without your consent but you are together as girlfriend boyfriend then that is your opportunity to say “don’t ever do that again and if you do I will leave”. You must clearly make him aware that you are not consenting to this type of behavior. If you have done that and he has done it again than yes it is rape. If you haven’t been specific and he is playing on ignorance then you must make him very aware that you do not consent. That is my answer because if we don’t let them know they will play the ignorant card. Based on what you’ve told me tho I would be making plans to get out of there asap. This is not a healthy relationship nor will it ever be and you and your son are better off without him, I can promise you that. Where there is a will there is a way, so go find it and get out of there, because until you do your life will not get any better. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  19. To Dee, who posted in March 2013. I think if she is still living where here attack took place and seeing her attackers around town, she should report it. Due to statue of limitations, she may not be able to press charges. That’s what happened to me. They said I should have reported it sooner, but most people didn’t beleive me anyway and I lived with my attacker so I had the risk of retaliation and was a child. She has you for support and the statute may not have run out yet. Do some research first to prepare your self for the outcome. At the very least, you will be alerting the community and local authorities. She must be creditable so she has to maintain a clean record and avoid suspension on her part. Substance abuse is very common in abuse victims as is a criminal record, even minor infractions tho can discredit a claim or accusation. If this is an issue for her, trying reminding her that one day she may be called as a witness in a trial against one of her attackers and she would probably be upset with herself if she didn’t take the chance to make them pay or stop them from hurting others.

    Like

    Reply

  20. The question on whether or not is was rape crosses my mind a lot and I never thought it as rape until I heard the words out loud when I told a friend, she said ‘you got raped’ and it hit me like a ton of bricks, jesus christ it was a year ago and I was wondering why I couldn’t get close to this guy that I madly like, something was stopping me and now I know what it is. Question is, now I know what the problem is, how do you fix it? I don’t want to tell him, it makes me feel disgusting, the word its self is so hard to say. What I hate the most is that it’s more shameful to be raped than it is to be a rapist.

    Like

    Reply

    1. E. I know you feel shame but you really shouldn’t. Let me ask you this.. Only you know what happened right? So lets say you had a friend and the exact same thing happened to her, would you consider it more shameful on her or would you put the blame and shame where it belonged, on the person that did it? We both know you wouldn’t shame her. But these are common feelings, so you aer not alone. But you do need to get mentally right and that starts through counseling. The sooner you get it the sooner you will start to get your life back. Just know this doesn’t define you, just the person that did this to you. I would also like to point out that rape is about control and when the rapist doesn’t get turned in they feel like they are still in control and the odds are will do it again. I’m not saying he will try with you again and I’m not saying he won’t, but he will do it again because he got away with it and is in control. Bu you getting counseling and/or possibly turning him in (up to you) you are taking back control of your life. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  21. I was sexually abused in 2003 by a stranger. A few years later I went to counselling, tried to deal with it. In 2007 I started seeing a guy, I was scared of trusting him at first but eventually over time I slowly began trusting him + told him about what happened to me. Everything was fine at first but he later raped me. Stupidly he convinced me it wasn’t rape and I continued seeing him for a while. My friends and family liked my ex and he seemed genuine. Its been a long time, it still effects me and I’m still scared to trust men. People say I should be over this by now. All my friends are getting married and having kids, I want to do the same. I’ve tried counselling again but it didn’t work

    Like

    Reply

    1. C. I’m glad to hear that you went to counseling but you stated it didn’t work, which just tells me you need more and it just hasn’t yet. I personally was in a year of counseling before “i got it”. I was struggling at first thinking I was throwing my money away because I didn’t feel different. But low and behold when I finally got it I realized that all this time it was sinking in and that I had to get to the place where I actually applied it and opened up to it all. I’m not by any means saying that you didn’t open up I’m just saying that I was in such a dark place for a while and I was holding myself back. So I’m telling you not to give up on the counseling because basically that means you are giving up on yourself. Maybe you can try a different counselor if that might help. Another thing I would suggest is taking some self defense classes. That really helps with your confidence level and self esteem. By that I mean you feel more confident that you can protect yourself. I know some people that enjoyed it so much they started taking karate classes because it empowered them more and they felt more in control that no one could hurt them again. Something to think about. As far as your friends, unless you’ve been through it they would know there is no time frame on “getting over it”. And you are allowed and should show your emotions. The more you let out the more room you have to heal. stay strong! Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  22. Hi, if anyone takes the time to read this and replies I will be so grateful. My head’s in a mess right now.

    I’m 25, when I was 19 I was out in a club and I woke up in the morning with a man on top of me in my bedroom, having sex with me. I was really confused. At first before I was more focused I thought it was a guy I’d been seeing and I actually joined in. It didnt occur to me that it was weird he’d be having sex with me while I was asleep. When I realised it was a stranger I got up and I realised my bedroom door was locked and the lock was broken and I couldn’t open it. Somehow I convinced him to climb out the window down to the garden and said I’d throw him the key so he could open my door from the outside. I didn’t let him back in and then he went away.

    The next few years the whole experience didn’t really cross my mind at all. I know that sounds really strange but it just didnt.

    Then when I began going out wih my current boyfriend about 3 years ago, near the beginning of our relationship I told him I’d been raped when I was in university. I’d never thought of it as rape before then.

    Again I didn’t think too much of it but recently it’s like I’ve been having memories of it that I didn’t have before. Like I remember seeing the man not long after I arrived at the club. He stood out because it was full of young students and he was probably late 30’s, early 40’s. He was an Indian man. I remember being really sore down below for quite a few days afterwards. I can’t remember anything at all in the club apart from the very beginning. I don’t know how I got so drunk, it’s like I completely blacked out everything until I woke with him on top of me.

    The “friend” I was with said she saw him sort of pulling me out of the club. She told me that back then, the day after it happened. I’m not in touch with her now but I keep thinking why didn’t she stop me.

    I don’t understand it’s like I somehow got so drunk and left the club with this old man. I don’t know how we got to my house. I must have told him my address but I don’t remember doing it. I don’t know if I consented to sex and forgot. I literally remember nothing but arriving at the club and then waking up. Was I raped? As I said I started participating before I knew who he was.. Could I have known subconsciously and wanted to do it? I don’t know who is was, his name or anything. I don’t know why I didn’t remember it properly or think about it until years later but it’s starting to haunt me. Sorry if I’m wasting your time if you’ve read this.

    Like

    Reply

    1. L. By no means are you wasting my time and sorry for the delay in getting back to you as I have been very busy lately. Let me start by asking if you have heard of drug facilitated rapes? This is exactly what happened to me (however I never woke up until I was dumped on the side of the road – it was a rape kit that proved my rape). I think this is possibly what happened to you, especially if he bought you a drink or if you at any time you sat your drink down. The reason you didn’t acknowledge it when is happened is because you didn’t want to believe it was rape (normal). It’s easier for us to think we had consensual sex than it is to realize we were raped. It is a protection mechanism in our brain. The reason it is coming back to you now is because the horrific act of rape can not be kept hidden or forgotten. You can’t wish it away or act like it never happened. Maybe for a bit but unfortunately it always rears it’s ugly head. Rape is like a shadow that we can’t run from, the only way to deal so it doesn’t affect us later in life is to face it head on. Therapy is crucial for this. There will be a time you are ready for it to come out and the more you let out through therapy, crying, acknowledgement, writing, self defense classes, whatever the more room you have to heal. You can start healing until you have acknowledgement and start dealing. You think it’s affecting you now, wait until you have a child in college or starts to go to clubs. That is why we MUST get counseling so we are prepared for our future. You have NOTHING to feel guilty about as you DID nothing wrong. You were most likely drugged and taken advantage of. Now get the help you need because it seems to me you are ready. At first it isn’t easy talking about it but once you start you will feel so much better that it will probably start flowing like a river. Once you release all this that has been burried you will feel such a weight lifted, i promise. But again it’s not something we can do on our own. So get the counseling you need for you and your future. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  23. Hi Lynn, I wrote a message to you the other day. It hasn’t been published or anything but I just wanted to say thank you. If you read my previous message you’ll know that I’m a bit confused about what happened to me and have a lot of questions, but reading through your site has really helped. Thank you very much for all the time and care you give to people. Your website has really helped me work through things in my head.

    Like

    Reply

    1. L. So sorry for the delay I have answered and posted your previous post. I’m sooo glad the site helped you. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  24. Hi, I’ve had several different types of sexual abuse happen to me over the course of my life. It’s a dangerous cycle, as it first started when I was a toddler with my father, then out of being intoxicated (because I wanted to forget my traumas-ironic, right?), then statutory rape that was consensual-except on the groups that I was 15 and he was almost 20…and eventually I got to where I am now: it has been about 4 months since I was submissively raped anally by the person I was seeing. I went into a deep, dark depression where I was crying everyday and even unable to go to work because I was mentally unfit. I finally got the courage to talk to him about it face-to-face, but he denies remembering any of it “because we were both blacked out drunk.” I still find myself thinking about him, the incident, and how good things were going up until that moment. I saw him recently and had no real feelings-neither obsession, anger, pain, or love for him…but sometimes I get the faint feeling I want to talk to him again. I think it’s because I still haven’t had closure and I desperately want to feel like I’ve gotten back what has been taken away from me. I thought he’d beg for me to come back, like most of my crazy exes do, but he didn’t…and I started to doubt my self-worth. I got into a relationship 2 months afterward and just broke up with them on the grounds that I’m not interested in any type of intimacy. I feel like now the only person I can be intimate with again is him, but it is only because I want to feel appreciated by the one person who hurt me more than anyone else. I don’t know how to shake this feeling and just forget about him like I have on all my past experiences. I don’t know how long it is going to take, but I just don’t want to care anymore. I realize he was good with me before, but messed up, then got scared and wasn’t man enough to face me and I realize my entire self-worth and that I deserve much better…but why can’t my face stop flushing when I think of him? It’s gotten better, especially since I saw him…but I want it to go away completely to the point where I either hate him or hardly think of him. Please help. I’d seek psychological help, but my family is unsupportive. I don’t have a car, so I can’t go anywhere they don’t approve of while still under their roof until I get one or move out. What should I do?

    Like

    Reply

    1. E. I can tell you why you are feeling this way, it’s because if he did want to take you back or you continued to see him that you would feel like he didn’t rape you and it never happened. It was just a sexual escapade. And we both know that IS NOT what happened and SO does he which is why he isn’t trying to get back with you. You MUST see it for what it was and then and only then will you not want to be around him. He abused you and if you see him he can possibly do it again. This is NO FORM of love or respect you want in your life trust me. BUT DON”T doubt your self worth because you are worthy of love and respect but this guy IS NOT going to give it to you now or ever. You are confused over your feelings and your past issues have added to your confusion and that is totally understandable, so stop beating yourself up. You absolutely need counseling whether it is now or later and it is a MUST. Try calling your local crisis center and see what type of help they can offer you. They may have counseling or be able to direct you somewhere. Maybe you could take the bus. You are worth it and you need to find a way, even if it is later in time when you do have the means and resources. But for now stay as far away from this guy as possible and concentrate on you. And honestly you don’t need another relationship until you’ve done some counseling because you are not noticing the difference between a healthy relationship or a unhealthy one. Again understandable from your past however you need to work on that in order to have a healthy one going forward. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  25. Hello. I’m trying to figure out if I have been or am being raped by the guy I’m currently seeing. I was sexually abused at 4 yrs old by the husband of my Aunt. I don’t refer to him as an uncle. Anyway, I sometimes think that this bit of history I’ve experienced has influenced me in the way I am with this current guy. He’s the only guy I’ve been with or dated. I never wanted to do anything passed kissing, not til marriage and we arent married. If it was going too far, I’d stop and tell him no. In the beginning, he did stop but he’d always try again and each time, he’d get a little farther. Eventually he got what he wanted. Sex, oral sex, fondling or finger penetration. Every time when we’d be in the moment, Id have mixed feelings about going through with it or not. Sometimes I’d block out the feeling of not wanting to because it seemed easier than putting up a fight or arguing about it. Recently, I thought to myself, I’ll just do it so he’ll let me leave already. Anyway, whether or not I felt I did or didn’t want to beforehand, afterward, I always have the emptiest, regretful, most used feeling ever. Sometimes, I compare the way he convinces me to the way my first sexual abuser talked to me about the whole act. I just want to figure out what it is. Maybe it wasn’t rape, maybe it was. Or maybe, because of what happened to me in the past, I can’t distinguish between sex being from an intimate and loving relationship or sex being from an abuser.

    Like

    Reply

    1. N. Because only you and him have been there let me just put it this way. At the time of the act if you say no and he doesn’t listen or is forceful it is rape. You say you have mixed feelings in the moment, if you said no then it’s rape. If you didn’t say anything then it’s not. That being said I agree that what happened to you when you were younger definitely doesn’t help in this situation. And you need to seek counseling nonetheless for both of these issues. You need to recover from what happened to you as a child before you should be having sex with anyone or it will never be gratifying especially if you are at the point to “just let him so you can leave”. This is mentally and physically hurting you and he obviously doesn’t care about you but more about his sex life. I’d get as far away from this kid as possibly because none of what you told me says he truly cares and it is mental and physical abuse. So be strong and get away from him, go get some pepper spray, change your number whatever it takes just do it. Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  26. I am wondering if I’ve been raped. Last night i was drunk and lay in bed with this guy I’d only met twice and we were cuddling but then he started to finger me so i went with it for a while but stopped before anything else could happen. He tried to start something about 6 or7 times. Eventually we fell asleep and woke up spooning and he started to finger me. I went with it again but this time he asked if he could put his dick between my legs and i said yeah (he was from behind) so he put it there and started rubbing and then wet it with his spit and then put it in my vagina. It hurt so much (he took my virginity) i pulled away straight away and he didnt try anything after that.
    I know i didn’t say No to him or tell him to stop but i honestly didn’t know he was going to do that because we were sober and there were four other people in the room and he wasnt wearing protection. Is this rape or not?

    Like

    Reply

    1. C. Unfortunately, if you don’t say no or tell him to stop he takes that as it is ok and when you said yes to him to putting his penis between your legs, to him that is a yes. So I’m sorry this happened and I can tell you didn’t want it to but you have to be very clear and concise in these situations. And trust me they will continue to try, if you continue “go with it” and don’t make it very clear that you don’t want to have intercourse. Because they think you will eventually give in. I don’t think this constitutes rape. Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  27. I was molested by my a sibling from age 6 to 10. My mother left my father and moved us to Memphis. There, my aunts boyfriend and molested me, this was the first time I told someone. I was removed from the home, but it was obvious no-one beleived me. My aunt stayed with him and my mother continued to interact with him as well. At 13 I was raped by this guy I likes, after the rape a few of his friends tried to gang rape me, but I was saved by a classmate. I guess since they were unsuccessful, he followed me home and raped me again. The only person I told was my track coach and she said that I should not have misses practice and that’s what happens. At age 16. A guy I was dating left me with his uncle who raped me. That was the last time I was violated… But my life has been forever impacted… I find myself dating men that want nothing from mw but sex… My mind tells me that’s all I’m good for. But I know I need help.

    Like

    Reply

    1. A. This is horrible and the fact that no one has tried to help you more, including your family members is despicable. However you have to know and truly believe that you are worthy and that you deserve a good life. In order to achieve that though you are right you need help, professional help. This has been going on for long enough and I’m sure has severely impacted your life. So seek professional help as soon as you can. I’d call my local crisis center and tell them you are looking for help and they should be able to refer you for help. Or you can go to rainn.org and find a counselor near you. I think I would also stop sexual relations if you haven’t already until you get the appropriate help you need so you stop feeling the way you are. Besides you want someone to treat you with the respect you deserve and right now that doesn’t involve sex. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  28. I’m wondering if i had been in these situations. i can’t even term the word cause it makes me uncomfortable, but nearly 3 years ago. I went out with this guy who couldn’t stop peer pressuring me into having sex, I was very unsure and kept putting it off. I hadn’t had it before. There was a time that he wanted to get out the house and walk to his nans grave to get some fresh air, i went with him. As we were walking back to his house we were in a forest, some type of park, it was calming and quiet. Then he kept giving me hints but i carried on walking, he walked me to this ditch and kept looking around…I had a feeling that this wasn’t going to be good. I got nervous… he kept asking me to take off my jeans and i said no, he was peer pressuring me and all i wanted was to go home. i must have been a complete idiot, he was telling me to be quiet incase anyone heard. I ended up crying for days, sort have avoided him but thats when he started harassing me… nonstop. I told his family how he couldnt stop calling me because i said i wanted to have some space. When it came to the end of the relationship i broke up with him. He then started to stalk me so my friends had to keep him away. yet they didnt know what fully happened…. i dont know what to do. I had told my current boyfriend as i had rhe courage too, he got worried and he wants me to report it. but there is no evidence and this happened nearly 3 years ago… i dont know what to do…

    Like

    Reply

    1. A. Because there is no evidence the only thing that might come out of you reporting it is if he has done this before and other people have reported, then you might have a case. That being said it is up to YOU as to what you want to do, not your boyfriend. I would also have some safety concerns so if you decide that you do want to just please make sure you have a safety plan in place. I’m not by any means telling you either way what to do I just want to make sure you are safe either way. Maybe take a self defense class, because that will not only help your confidence level but make you feel more secure as well in any circumstance. Just remember don’t be pressured into anything by anyone because this is YOUR life. The one thing I would recommend is counseling not only to help with what you have been through but with your future. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  29. I’m 17, Acouple months back I started dating my current boyfriend, about a month into the relationship my ex (whom i was on good terms with) was going to go out for the army and asked if we could say a quick bye on his way. I trusted him and said alright. When he came he started to get strange like he had never before, he kept telling me that i was being unfair that i wouldnt sleep with himand he ended up raping me, I didnt do anything but cry because i was afraid he would hurt me. I’ve been having alot of trouble dealing with it these days, before i could deal with it and felt i forgot about it, but movies make me upset if theres a rape in it, strangers who brush against me scare me, ive had issues trusting people. My boyfriend tries to help me get over it but i dont know what to really do

    Like

    Reply

    1. AM. I am glad you came here for help because that means you are ready to receive it. As you can tell trying to sweep it under the rug doesn’t help. Rape is like a shadow that you can’t run from, the only way to deal is to face it head on, through counseling. Whenever you are ready either call your local crisis center or go to rainn.org to find the nearest counselor to you for help. You need to understand that keeping it inside only makes the wound deeper and deeper and I promise you it will come out and typically when you least expect it. You are young and the quicker you get professional help the sooner you will start healing. The longer you wait the longer it takes. And trust me when I tell you that you needs this help for future relationship for when you have a family, maybe a little girl and then she is your age. This is something that never goes away unfortunately HOWEVER we can learn to deal which makes us heal. And the more you let out through talking, tears, writing etc the more room you have to heal so don’t be scared. Also, you should be talking to the counselor about details NOT boyfriends, parents, friends. It’s absolutely ok to tell them you are a rape survivor, but not necessary to go into details because sometimes that hurts the situation more than helps. That should be left for the professional that knows how to constructively help you going forward. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  30. my ex boyfriend used to threaten to leave me if i didnt have sex with him. hed force himself on me & i wasnt able to do anything. were notgether anymore but he continues to call & say hes goin to get a restraint on me. which makes no sense. im trying to build a case but unsure on what type of rape it is. i was innocent & still had my innocences before he forced me todo things. help? idk what todo or call it. because he says since we wete together i cant do anything about it, but i dont want him to get away wirh this.

    Like

    Reply

    1. J. This is absolutely rape. Any time you are forced to have sex against your will it is rape. I would save all messages, texts etc to help build your case BUT stay away from him. Rape is about control and because you haven’t reported him he thinks he still has control over you. And by the way this happens way more than you think for people to be in abusive relationships and it is rape. It doesn’t matter if it is with the person you are in a relationship or not. What determines rape is if it is against your will. He is just trying to control your mind and body. If you have any text messages or phone messages already take them to the police and show them and tell them you are scared because of what he has done to you, which is why you didn’t go to them sooner and ask for their help. Either way whatever you do you need to get counseling, this will not only help you heal but it can help with how to deal with him going forward. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  31. Almost a year ago I went out drinking with friends and my boyfriend (at the time) I had drank way too much. My boyfriend and I went back to my apartment and I drunkenly had sex with him, but as soon as it was over I passed out. I half way woke up a little later to my boyfriend having sex with me again I tried to put my hands up and say “no” but I couldn’t get my body to do what I wanted it to do. He doesn’t believe it was rape because we had sex before and I didn’t say no, I still can’t say I was raped. I stayed with him for a month after the incident before I finally mustered the courage to break up with him. We had been together for almost 7 years and throughout our relationship we had a lot of issued with sex. He took my virginity in high school after three years of dating, I still didn’t want to do it but I was stupid and thought I couldn’t live without him and knew he would leave me if I didn’t have sex with him. After that happened I wouldn’t let him come near me for months. I have a new boyfriend now who I have told and he’s completely understanding but he knows I need help. This month is a year from when it happened and I have a complete melt down after drinking too much and remembering what had happened to me. I still haven’t told my parents because I feel like they won’t consider what happened to me to be rape and tell me it was my own fault for ever having sex with him and for drinking too much. I just don’t know how to deal with what happened or if what happened was even rape. I can’t let my ex ruin my life anymore and I can’t let what happened ruin the relationship I have now.

    Like

    Reply

    1. 22 Any time you don’t consent to sex it is rape especially when you aren’t coherent to ask. The first time wasn’t but the second time was, to be clear. I’m glad you came to look for help because that means you are ready. For the record just because you drank too much is NOT an excuse for rape, there is NEVER an excuse for rape. Your best step is to get professional counseling. This is not only going to help you deal with the rape but with your current boyfriend. That being said, YOU are first! So take care of yourself first (meaning dealing with the rape) and then you can move onto you current relationship. Because once you start getting your head together, dealing with all the other issues becomes easier and clearer. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  32. When I’d go to my (ex) boyfriend’s house we would always have sex but I never really wanted to. At first he would try to undo my jeans and I would move his hand away and say no but he’d keep trying. He was never violent or forceful or mean, quite the opposite actually. I just couldn’t say no to him but to be honest I was terrified and I always felt really really bad about myself afterwards. After the first couple of times this happened I stopped trying to stop him. I was really depressed and I didn’t have the energy anymore. I would let him do whatever he wanted and while I never said “yes” I never said “no” either. He would ask if I wanted to and I would just look at him and not say anything so eventually he would do it anyway. Even though I felt like complete shit and it was affecting my school and my overall mood I didn’t think he was wrong. I blamed myself for not saying something to him. I should have told him I didn’t want to do it, I should have told him no when he’d ask but I wanted to be with him. I wanted him to love me and I didn’t want him to leave. The last time I saw him everything was playing out as it normally did but I felt weird. Just before we actually did it I went into a huge anxiety attack. I was trembling really bad and crying and hyperventilating and I wouldn’t let him touch me. He calmed me down but we ended up not having sex. I didn’t see or talk to him for about a week after that and by the time I did he’d found a new girlfriend. Just recently I read an article about a girl who was raped but she didn’t realize it was rape until years after it happened. She was in a similar situation but with a much older man. She didn’t say yes, but she didn’t say no or try to stop him. I never in a million years would have considered what we were doing to be rape, I mean he had no way of knowing I didn’t want to do it right? I’m still unsure if it qualifies as rape but it really eats at me… I don’t want to get him into trouble, I still feel like it’s not his fault. I just want to know if it was technically rape or not (I was 17 at the time and he was 20).

    Like

    Reply

    1. K. This is a very grey area because if you don’t ever tell him no or ever try to stop him then he doesn’t know. Unless he tried to have sex when you weren’t mentally incapable of saying no, like if you were incoherent or something, then that is rape. Also, if he was ever forceful with you, whether or not you say no that is rape because he is forcing you against your will. Hope that helps. Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  33. I was raped by someone I trusted so much. I still can’t believe he could be that cruel to me. He’s married and has a daughter of his own yet he chose to rape someone else’s daughter. What can I do? Its getting the better part of me. I can’t even tell my parents. My mom would die of shock since it happened in his house. I’m totally confused and I don’t know what to do. I need help.

    Like

    Reply

    1. D. It bothers me so deeply when people think they can’t go to their parents because they are more worried about them than what they are going through. My question to you is if this was your daughter what would you want her to do? I’m sure you would hope that she would come to you for help. I’m sure you would want her to get professional counseling, take her to the doctor, want to know who did this to her. If your daughter felt she couldn’t come to you, how would that make you feel. What if you found out years later that she went through that without ever coming to you. I think you do know the answer of what to do. Stay strong, you can do it! Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  34. I had a boyfriend who was way olde than I am with 8 years. I trusted him so much and I felt safe cos he was older and I felt he was matured. I went over to his place for the weekend tho I av been there once for a night and nothing happened. It was d best night and that was what made me to trust him. So I went there thinking he was cool and controlled. One d last day I was to leave he forced himself on me knowing fully well that I was a virgin. I was too scared to do anything, its going to be a year dis June and I never reported the case to anybody cos I know that I will be blamed for what happened. I have tried to put the incidence behind me and I am trying to move on. I am in a relationship at the moment and I told him what happened (which am regretting I did) cos he thinks I should av avoided it. We just started dating and things looks like they are going too fast. I am so scared I don’t want what happened to affect this new relationship. Please I need help. Sometimes I have flashbacks and I blame myself most times for it. It hurts

    Like

    Reply

    1. E. First and foremost if your current boyfriend thinks you are to blame, drop him immediately. If you aren’t getting the support you need now it isn’t going to come later. Second I want you to start caring for yourself before you worry about anyone else (and that means your boyfriend). I’m not sure why you would want to be in a relationship with someone that puts any blame on you. You need to take care of yourself through professional counseling. You don’t need to even be in a relationship until you take care of yourself because it will affect it. I’m glad you told him, you should tell every guy before you have sex with them and this is the perfect reason why. You need to find oout if they are in it for the right reasons, and your current one isn’t. So drop him and get into counseling. I promise you the longer you wait the longer it will take to heal. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  35. I went over to this guys house and he was already naked when I walked in but I didn’t know before I went over and he started to kiss me and then get in top of me and he told me to take off my panties and jeans and then he was inside me? Is it technically rape? because I didn’t say no I just went along with it and I didn’t fight back

    Like

    Reply

    1. J23, First question and this is in no way judging you, were you intoxicated? The only reason I ask is if you were then yes this could be rape. Or if somehow you felt threatened by him and were scared, then that too could be rape. If you were not intoxicated and gave him no indication by either verbally telling him or try and get away from him/the situation or somehow let him know that he could not do this to you then how would he know to stop or that you weren’t into it? Only you were there and can answer that. But again if you felt threatened by him (which is when sometimes we freeze up) or if he got rough with you against your will then it is absolutely rape. Hope that helps, stay strong! Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  36. I was in a relationship since almost 2 years with this guy. I lost my virginity to him. But after about year i didn’t feel comfortable fooling around with him. I told him that and he always said that the next time we met alone he wouldn’t do anything. But we eventually always ended up having sex and i could never tell him no because it felt silly since we had been doing stuff since a year now. But i finally broke up with him a few days back. And soon after he forced himself on me. I realized he was hurt. It happened again the next day when he was drunk. I let him know that i’m really pissed at him and that he cant do that anymore. But we still talk and hes been apologizing and trying to make up for it. I don’t want to assign any blame here…cuz i hurt him really bad when i broke up with him. I just want to be able to deal with this. I feel hurt and upset and angry at myself and at him but i dont know what to do. I cant see a psychologist since i don’t want my parents to know, i don’t want to hurt them. But i really want to be able to talk to someone abt this, before im completely screwed in the head..lol. Just someone tell me what to do?

    Like

    Reply

    1. T. PLEASE stop worrying about everyone else and putting them first. You were raped and you need to get away from this guy immediately. He did this twice to you and you are ok with it because you hurt him??? This makes no sense because there is NO reason for rape. This guy lied to you to get sex and then forced himself on you twice. You need to get professional counseling immediately because rape is about control and that is exactly what this guy is doing to you. He doesn’t care about you, only himself. He doesn’t care you broke up, only that he can now not control you for sex. Do you get it? Let me put it this way.. ready your story again but instead of the story being about you, it’s about your daughter. What would you want her to do?? Pretty sure tell you, pretty sure get counseling and pretty sure get her aa far away as possible from this guy, right? Would you tell her it was OK because she broke up with him and hurt him? No I don’t think you would. So stop making excuses for him and get away from him, change your number, tell your parents and get into counseling. That is exactly what you would want your daughter to do. I sure hope you listen to me because if you keep this guy in your life he will try to keep controlling you. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  37. It was a year ago and I was talking to this boy I really liked and he told everyone he liked me . So one day he called me and was like what are you doing ?! And I was like nothing just thinking about what I am going to do this weekend and he said there is a party you should go with me and I said okay .The next day he called again and said you going to leave the party with me too and I said yes and he asked if we were going to do anything and I said no because I was still a virgin and I wanted to wait but then he was like everyone is doing it , it’s fun ect. And I was like fine then sure ! So we get to the party and I txt him and said I don’t want to , I want to wait . So I tried to avoid him the whole night and I was talking to my friend in the bathroom and she left out and I was walking out and he walked in and pushed me in the bathroom and started to pull down my pants but i was yelling and he wouldn’t stop then he said it was my fault because I said yes first and I asked for it then someone knocked on the door I was going to yell but he said say someone is in here or I will hurt you so I did and he kept going . I was trying to push him off but he slapped me and kept calling me names and said you asked for it . I felt so dirty after and I blamed it all on me till this day I still do because I said yes first .

    Like

    Reply

    1. AB You have the right to change your mind at any time, so you need to forgive yourself and put the blame where it belongs on him. Have you received and professional counseling? Because you need to if you haven’t. But your first step is to truly believe this wasn’t your fault. You need to let that burden go. I don’t care if you were laying naked on the bed ready and then changed your mind. They don’t control your body you do. And it is your right to change your mind. Everyday that goes by and you are carrying this burden is another day that he is in control of you. So get counseling and take back your life because he doesn’t deserve to control your emotions for another minute.. It’s your body and your life. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  38. Where do I begin? It seems to have happened so long ago, but it is starting to affect me now. When I was in highschool I was close friends with a guy and we would occasionally make out, but it never breached that. I have vaginismis and intimacy with me seems to be beyond complicated. One night I went to place and things had gone farther then they had before. He was ontop of me pulling my pants off and pressing his body hard against mineso i couldn’t move my arms.I must of said no at least twice but he, well for lack of better words did it any way. I remember laying there in pain and trying to make things go faster. When it was over I got my things and left. Being young and in denial I won’t lie I continued to remain his distant “friend” and every sexual encounter I have had after this has felt like a control and violant outburst. I, to this date can not get over the guilt I feel for putting my self and my body in that position. I am trying to work on my vaginismis so Can feel healthy. But to this day my new boyfriend Is unable to touch me without me thinking he is just wanting to control me. It’s really been an issue. I can only hope that one day I can release this fear and guilt of feeling that it was my fault.

    Like

    Reply

    1. cbe. It was an issue of control because that is what rape is about. Without proper counseling it will be hard to separate your feelings. I wished survivors would get counseling before attempting any sexual activity. Sex can and should be a beautiful experience between 2 people and you don’t want that ruined in your future. So it’s necessary to get counseling so you not only separate the rape but so you can know when you are ready for sex again and making sure you do it for the right reasons. A lot of people just do it to prove they can (I did this also) but not because it was a special experience with the right person. For you, it takes you back to what happened because you haven’t mentally dealt with it. So first if you really care about your boyfriend tell him if you haven’t already. You do NOT need to go into details just tell him you are a survivor and dealing with these issues. Then get the counseling. If he cares for you he will understand and be your rock and do whatever you need him to do as in being patient. And he will know that you are trying to take care of yourself and your relationship through counseling. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  39. So this is really complicated and I hope that it doesn’t make me sound horrible. I knew this guy (a friend of my boyfriend) and I thought he wanted to hang out with me to become closer as friends. I’m pretty sure that’s not the reason now. I told him I only wanted to be friends with him, but he went ahead and kissed me anyways. And I was fine with that, but it quickly progressed, and soon his hands were down my pants. I don’t remember when I told him to stop, but every time I’ve said that he ignores it because he can tell that I’m aroused. I’ve previously said that I didn’t want to go far, because even though my boyfriend and I have an open relationship, we had promised to tell each other when we do something sexual with someone else, and obviously this was his friend, so it felt like a betrayal. Besides that, I just didn’t want to have sex with someone. I logically know you don’t have to love someone to sleep with them, but for me having a connection of some sorts helps. Anyways, he knows that my bf and I are kinky, so I think perhaps he thought my “no, stop,” didn’t actually mean what I said. I could have said it more forcibly, and admittedly when I do he does stop, but I did say it several times. I’ve also asked him to restrain himself more and not put me in that position, but he doesn’t listen. I always end up feeling ashamed both when I give in and when I say no, and disappointed in him for not being exactly who I thought he was. There are multiple reasons why I eventually stop saying no and stop pushing him away (though that’s always how it starts): I get tired of rejecting him, I feel guilty for leading him on, I know that he’ll stop being friends with me if I don’t give him something (I know he said otherwise, but I’m pretty sure he lied – or else he would have contacted me before this past time), and the worst of all is that I’m aroused when he’s doing this, so I figure I might as well finish and get something out of it. I know that sounds horrible, and I know that a ton of this is my fault, but I feel like he should stop when I tell him to. If he did, none of this would have been a problem. But for some reason, I keep coming back, hoping he’ll just converse and watch something with me instead of going after me. I know that he thinks he’s being passionate, but sometimes he does it from out of nowhere and before I can really say anything because his mouth is covering mine, he’s undone my pants. The time before this last past one, he said we could be friends and I actually believed him, because he seemed tired of my refusals, so I thought that he’d given up on doing anything intimate. I went over to his apartment when he said we’d just hang out, but he quickly started kissing me because, as he said, “my body-language was flirty,” but I again eventually told him to stop and he again didn’t. I told him I didn’t want penetration, and multiple times I had to stand up to stop him from inserting himself, and I told him later that I felt like he lured me under false pretenses. I’m not saying that what he did to me is rape, and that I wasn’t at fault at all, because of course I could’ve been more clear, but I thought that once you said, “no,” it’s supposed to stop. And he rarely does. In addition to that, when I did say no this last time, he told me I was being selfish because he fingered me and he wanted me to do something for him in turn. He’s previously done something similar, although not as specific, where he tells me that I’m somehow not holding my end of the bargain. But I’ve already explained to him how I feel, the guilt and shame it causes me, and that I would appreciate it if he would stop. Anyways, my boyfriend saw a text message from him to me about that night, saying that he liked “overpowering” me (which again makes me think that every time I say no, he just thinks I’m playing), and my boyfriend got upset at me for not being honest about what was going on. I told him what he and I did, but when he asked me about that specific text, I became quiet. I didn’t want him to think badly of his friend, and I didn’t want to be “the girl that breaks up friendships,” but he knows me well enough to know when I’m holding back (I’m also a horrible liar – everything is always written all over my face). At first, all I said was that I didn’t mean for it to go that far, but then he asked me why I didn’t say no. I was again quiet, so then he asked me if I did actually say no. Eventually, the whole story came up, and he was even more upset for me not telling him because the entire point of our promise was to communicate effectively with one another so that neither one of is unhappy. He also sees himself as being my protector, because he knows that I’ve previously had a bad relationship. I should have told him, I know, and I actually did want to ask his opinion on what I should do, but it was his friend, you know? And I knew it would sound worse than it probably was if said out loud. It must have, because he said that it was basically rape. And I get what he’s saying, but I feel even more guilty now because my feebleness might lead to these friends breaking things off. I feel like it’s still my fault. I wasn’t ever scared of the guy, though – so I’m not sure it qualifies as submissive rape – but he was too heavy for me to push off (I know, I tried), too persistent even when I said no, and a little forceful about my obligations to him. On the other hand, my bf thinks I need to write an email to the guy, because the guy’s unwillingness to stop might lead to future bad encounters where he’d do the same thing, and while I do understand that, I don’t know what to say and how to make it as non-combative as possible. Suggestions?

    Like

    Reply

    1. S. Yes STOP seeing him, period. Who cares if their friendships break up, it should. The guy is bad news and knows he can control you and unfortunately you are letting him. Change your number and stop seeing this guy immediately. By writing an email you are continuing the process, just STOP! Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  40. Does it mean rape when your boyfriend has sex with you when your asleep

    How can I tell if we’d only made love 2 days before? Does it mean he loves me and feels comfterble.. If he feels that way should I feel worried or concirned if its someone I love … What makes it right or wrong..??

    I’m so confussed I don’t know how to feel..

    Like

    Reply

    1. K. It is rape when someone has sex with you without your consent. How would that means he loves you. I don’t know anyone else that shows there love by having sex without consent. Anytime they don’t have your consent it is wrong! And lastly I would be worried because his actions are out of control not because of you. I would not trust this person. Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  41. I was raped nearly three years ago, it was someone I new well, it was one of my best freinds husband. I never reported it , I went into shock and destroyed any evidence there may have been. my marridge has ended because of it, because he got me pregnant. I then had to go through a horrific abortion. I thought I have been dealing with it ok until recently I feel its getting on top of me and my everyday to day life. im scared of being alone anytime of the day, I wont go out in the dark, im afraid of men. I need help and I don’t know where to go to get it, I blame myself everyday, im not sleeping and I eat very little, please can you help me.

    Like

    Reply

    1. L. You must get professional counseling, the sooner the better. Rape isn’t something that we can just forget and move on it is like are shadow and we can’t run from it. The only way to deal is to face it head on through counseling. If this was happening to one of your friends wouldn’t you tell them the same thing. The only people that can truly help you are trained professionals or other victims that have been through it. We are not wired to understand how to deal with rape, therefore we must get professional help. Not only do you need it to help you with the rape, but your divorce the abortion and what you are going through on a daily basis. Let me explain it to you this way. Rape is about control not you (therefore YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME) and everyday that this rape consumes your life and how you act he is still in control of you. Don’t you think he has gotten enough? He doesn’t deserve to be in control of your life another minute! So take back control of your own life and your own future and get the professional help you need. You can’t change what happened but you can learn how to deal with it and once you do that you are in control of your future, NOT HIM! Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  42. This is an important website. I am 31 and only recently realized/admitted to myself that an episode that happened when I was 18 was rape, not just crappy sex, because I was consensually making out on his bed and also I froze rather than fighting once it was clear he wasn’t going to stop when I told him too, nor put on a condom. So I dealt with the aftermath as if it had been consensual, got a pregnancy test, told my boyfriend that I had been cheating on (I considered even kissing cheating, and that WAS consensual) that I had had sex with this man without telling him that I had also said “no”. It’s been a mindfuck to realize that I am a rape victim, but also very helpful I think in the way I see other rape victims and in explaining some of my behavior and emotions afterward that hadn’t made sense to me. I have been happily married for many years, and my husband is super supportive with the emotional processing I am doing now.

    Like

    Reply

    1. DJ. Well I’m glad you have the support of your husband as that is so important. If it is affecting you adversely now though you might want to consider counseling. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  43. This all started about a year and a half ago when I started talking to an old lover from high school. I was stuck in an emotionally abusive relationship and I needed help. I had been raped by an ex years before that and my boyfriend at the time blamed me for it. (He blamed himself, but he felt heless and took it out on me instead)
    So this old friend of mine rembered how in high school I had confessed to him about the rape and he noticed I was displaying new symptoms of PTSD. He was able to help me out of that relationship and I immediately began dating him. He said from the very beginning that he would help me grow stronger, get over my past, and find my old self-confidence; but by the time he was done, I would hate him. I didn’t believe him. He was perfect, but I do admit I was blinded by my extreme anxiety and desperation to be loved, accepted, and understood. He provided all of those things completely.
    He and I were the type to play mind games with people. We see through lies, and know exactly how to make someone feel one way or another. We know this about each other and can tell when one is overstepping boundaries. and basically he was manipulatjve through most of the relationship. I didnt feel any concern because i trusted him completely.
    I still and a lot of triggers and some were getting worse. He helped me cope and work through each of them. And about a month jnto the relationship he said we should have sex so he can showme that I can be a good thing. Obviously, helping me simply because he loved me wasn’t the only thing on his agenda, but even though I was doubtful, he did just that. It was beautiful and I felt so loved.
    We are also both hypersexuals…and that lead to us becoming sex addicts. We are also both religious so in a matter of coming clean for our religious beliefs, we attempted to quit.
    Throughout the relationship, he became more and more demanding of me and more controlling. A few times he freaked out at me, (usually via text or facebook) and once he said he was going to kill himself because of something related to me seeing my ex boyfriend who had blamed me for the rape. That was around the same time that we were trying to quit our addiction. He had mentioned many times how it was wrong and I began to feel more and more guilty about it, and he urged that we fight the urge, but he didn’t seem to fight it too hard when things got heated.
    One night soon after he exclaimed he was suicidal, we were texting while i was at work and he said he wanted to do this and that to me and i replied with something simple amd close to, “i would love to feel that”. So hours later, we hung out at a park and he put the moves on me. I felt the guilt and I didn’t really want to do anything. Plus, it was stormy and lightning makes me anxious. When im anxious, i dont like to do anything sexual because it sometimes gives me flashbacks. Multiple times I redirected him and his hands, kindly, showing I wasn’t interested, but he never stopped. He kept going. It began to rain so we got back into his car and he began talking about how he’s been so depressed and he feels like our love is dying. He wants to “relive the past and feel our love like it used to be”. so i told him i was really anxious and i was afraid of which past experience i would relieve if he continued. He didnt stop at that and he got on top of me. I physically fought his hands, pushed him away, said no and stop multiple times and asked if we could cuddle instead. He kept saying, “don’t push me away, I need this.” He became more and more forceful and went in. So.. it was slow, and it didn’t hurt, he wasn’t trying to hurt me, but he would go half way in and out. I begged him to stop and I was crying. He said he was waiting for me to accept him. But he had already started.. he hadn’t ever really done this before. He was always kind and careful. Almost a whole year of nothing but kindness.
    The last time he said, “dont push me away” was terrifying. I suddenly remembered how he had a bunch of knives and sharp tools just an arms length away and i was really afraid that it was an actual possibility that he would hurt me if i didnt give in. From that point on, i told him i loved him and to keep going. He even waited for me to finish. Very difficult, might I point out.
    So now.. he’s in denial that it was rape. He says he “waited for me to say yes before he started to have sex with me.” Sure, his heart waited, but his body was still doing that action. He also says that I was wet, so I enjoyed it. (I told him about my past and back then, I was so uncomfortable and afraid that I was really dry. So he thinks just because I was wet I was okay with it)
    A few months later I broke up with him and he explained what he had done through the year and how it was all intentional and an act.
    He helped me. He really did. He loves me, I know this. He was still a jerk and didn’t make the best of decisions. . He could have helped me in different ways, but he thought this would be the best. I learned how to stand up for myself and I feel confident. He wasn’t ever actually suicidal and he’s totally fine.
    We got back together.
    I’ve noticed he has a hard timd taking responsibility for a lot of things.
    Little things.
    Mostly his actions during online games we play
    “If you had just done this, then I wouldn’t have died.”
    (When in reality it was his poor decision making that caused him to die)
    Every time that stormy night is brought up, he says I led him on (that single text that I sent while at work several hours before..) and it was partially my fault too. And I had to deal with the consequences. He also blames me for my family hating him. (We argued in front of my ex boyfriend and I accused him of rape so my ex told My family)
    He says, “you don’t defend me well enough. If you defended me, your family wouldn’t hate me”
    When the reality is, if he didn’t mistreat me, he wouldn’t be disliked.
    I think he’s in denial about what he did because he is scared that he did that. He asked, “do you think it was rape? Because if you do, ill have to leave you. I can’t live knowing that i am dating someone that I raped.”
    I also think he wants me to say it wasn’t rape so he won’t get in huge trouble with our church.
    We have recently discussed taking a break so we can continue our attempts to quit our addiction. And nothing like that night has ever happened again. Hes always respectful about when I want it and when I don’t. Though he does get a little mopey.
    I’ve tried telling him it’s okay.. I’m not mad at him. I just want him to own up to it.
    What should I do? Eventually our church will tell him it was rape. But. I want him to accept it before then so its not as strong of a blow, emotionally.

    Like

    Reply

    1. J Socks, it’s very simple STOP worrying about him and get the hell out of that relationship. I can promise you it will happen again at some point if you don’t. Why? Because he got away with it and he is in control of you. If it happened once and you are still with him he knows he can do it again. Of course he is acting like it wasn’t rape so he can stay in control. That is what rape is, control! I don’t understand why you are worried about his emotional well being more than your own? Which also tells me he is more in control over you than you think. Who gives a shit what he thinks or how he is acting or what people think? You need to protect yourself and do what is right for you. Let me put it this way. Read your story again and if the exact same thing happened to your daughter what would you tell her to do? I don’t think you would be wanting her to put him first and even stay with him would you? Think about it.. I think you would tell her to get counseling so she can break the cycle of letting someone control her and have enough confidence to recognize someone controlling her and get as far away from him as possible. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

      Reply

    1. No Name, I’m assuming this has already happened once, maybe even more than once. I would tell someone I could trust that could help me. I would get as far away from him as possible, if you can’t make an emergency plan. I would try to take some self defense classes, but a stun gun online for $50. And if all that fails and it does happen, fight if you can and only if you aren’t scared for your life and then keep all the DNA and pics you can and go straight to the police. But if you scared for your life you MUST make a plan to get away as soon as you can. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  45. This happen to me years ago and I didn’t really do much about it. it still haunts me to this day. I look back and I see it like I was watching someone else in my body and not me. I fell victim to the second of the two mentioned and even though the years past, I still wake up in a cold sweat and tears in my eyes some times. I’ve tried to block it out of my head for the past 3 years but parts of it are just to burned into my brain. Thankfully I found someone who I can trust, he knows and he understands what happened to me. when I’m with him its like he holds me together and sometimes I find myself feeling not so broken, maybe even whole again. yes the pain is still there, and yes the night terror’s still there but I open my eyes and see his face and it just vanishes. To anyone who has gone through this. It gets better, and you can keep living. I can’t tell you how long it’ll take but you can do it, you can keep going. I did, and I was 15 at the time. Good luck on your path. May you find peace, or at least an understanding with your demons

    Like

    Reply

  46. I was raped when I was younger, I am fifteen now. I told my teacher and she called division of family services and now I have to tell what happened but its just my word agonist theirs, yes I was raped by more than one person. My mother doesn’t believe me and every body in my family turned against me. I just don’t know who to turn to

    Like

    Reply

    1. S. Sorry for the delay I’ve been having issues with my site. I’m so sorry that you are going through this and that your family has turned on you. The best thing for you to do to help you cope with your rape as well as your family issues is seek counseling. And you should be able to get referred by the division of family services. So whoever is your contact there then let them know you want professional counseling to help with your rape and the fact that your family doesn’t believe you. If for some reason they can’t help (pretty sure you can get free counseling) then call your local crisis center where they can refer you or even possibly your guidance counselor at school. I would go speak with them anyway to let them know what is going on in your life in case it is affecting your school work. Also, once you start seeking counseling maybe just maybe your mother or family members will start to believe you. But if not you still must take care of yourself, because you know the truth. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  47. I am 18 yrs old I want to know of I was raped? it happened few months back I was in my hostel when a guy I just met months earlier called me about 8pm an asked DAT he wanted to see me but I told him I couldn’t come out for it was getting late but he promised to bring me back n said we where not going to stay out long after much persuasion I finally agreed so he said he was coming to pick me that I should start preparing that which I did when he came it was already past nine so I went with him he didn’t come with his car he picked me up with a taxi so we got to the bar where I hv never been before so he asked if we should hv wine but I said no I didnt want to get drunk because I know it wud put me in danger so I requested for soft but he said the don’t sell soft so I settled for a drink with low alcohol we talked for a long time that I did realise we have talked deep into d night just den about 11pm I told him I wanted to go but said I sud finish my drink first DAT I did hurriedly just den it became very windy an it was about to rain so we left d bar n I asked to call a taxi but he refused he said he will go get his friend car and drive me back I said OK let me wait here for u but he also refused he said he can’t leave me here alone so that I followed him to my dome when we got there it was already raining so he opened a door n asked me to go in I could not say no cause of the rain tho I became scared at that point but I just chose to trust him because he has been acting nice early so he came n said to me that his friend was not around but he has called to come pick me after d rain my terror began when he asked me to go n bath but I said I bathed before coming out so he went to bath after he came out with a spray n sprayed it on me put on music n he started making advances on me but I asked him to stop that I wasn’t ready and I was still still a virgin then he stopped at first but started a again this time forcefully I screamed for help n begged him to stop but was to no avail I kept struggling tho he was much bigger than I am he then said I should stop struggling that he is only going to have oral sèx with me but I kept on crying n yelling so he became violent an stripped me then held my nose n mouth like he was going to kill me at that point the only choice of survival I had was to give in so I told him I wasn’t going to scream again so I went cold as he carried out oral sex on me all I could do was to cry silently I hate myself for trusting to a fault tho there was no penetration I felt so used n dirty I was so scared of him that I couldn’t report this case to anybody till today I went tru PTSD I was Really traumatized I cried almost all the time the memories kept haunting me I try to control myself I don’t even know if am still a virgin or not and I now hate men I also have trust issue n its really affecting love life I don’t know what to do I need help.

    Like

    Reply

    1. A K. First this is a sexual assault and Second you are still a virgin. I understand how this can totally traumatize you because it was completely against your will. Just know that not all men are like this but it will take a while until you believe that understandably. You said you went through PTSD, was this diagnosed through a doctor? Because if it was you can probably get some therapists referrals from him. You definitely need to go through some type of therapy especially if you have PTSD. This is necessary for you mentally and physically. You are young and you can get your life back but the quickest and best way is to get into counseling. As you can see you haven’t been able to cope on your own (none of us can) so ask your doctor for a referral or just look up counselors in your area online, pick a woman though. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  48. Recently I went on a night out with my best friend and we got so drunk it was ridiculous, and I hate myself for it. Anyway, we had met the lad in town and spent most of the night with him and he was a good laugh. He tried it on with me but I made it clear I am very much taken byy partner of 3 and 1/2 years and he backed off. Anyway it got to the end of the night and he had lost his friend and had no where to stay. I was blind drunk so my friend must have said he could stay at his. However when we get back at his, I pass out pretty much straight away, and my mates mam starts shouting and screaming because she was woken up. Now at this point I remember waking to her shouting and my friend leaves the room and that guy jumps on top of me. I remember not being able to lifting my head or shouting for help at first and just try to block it out. Then some where some how I manage to kick him from on top of me onto the floor. Thank god I don’t think he managed to finish and he quickly left. My friend came back in, which I dont remember, to finding me half naked and crying. I feel absolutely ashamed of myself for getting so drunk I was that vulnerable and I dont know how to deal with it. I also really want to tell my partner but I’m absolutely terrified he won’t same me as the same person as before. I know I’d be able to deal with it if he doesn’t and doesn’t change but what if he does? I’ve never felt so lost as to where to turn in all my life

    Like

    Reply

    1. A. Here is the deal, you have two options. First, If you feel the need to tell your partner you must be ready to take the consequences of how he will react either way, have a game plan but typically the longer you wait the less they tend to react in a good way. My issue with this is if he doesn’t react the way you would like then your are adding this new burden onto an already difficult situation and now you are putting your attention on your relationship instead of taking care of you. OR you could go to the doctor immediately get tested for STD’s and then get into counseling immediately. Don’t wait a week or two find someone that can get you in right away. If you have to call in the mornings to see if there is an appt cancelled do it. Then talk to them not only about what happened to you but how to tell your partner. Not only does this get you help right away but now you have documentation to show your boyfriend that you’ve been to the doctor and you are in counseling because your sanity and your relationship is so important you want to do the right thing for both. Let your partner knew he could only be your emotional support and you hope he will be but that the counseling will help you with ways that he couldn’t and you didn’t want to put that burden on him. and then ask him to please understand, be patient and be your rock for you when you need it. Hope that helps and I hope he is there for you.. Stay strong, Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  49. It happened the night of my junior prom. It was my best friend terell’s friend, all I remember was before we had even left for prom we were all drinking and taking shots and the guy kept looking at me weird. Then by the time we got back from prom I was drunk I had fell down the stairs at one point. I remember the guy telling me to follow him upstairs and when I went up there we were watching TV then he started kissing on me and touching me then I blacked out all I remember after that was him on top of me and I kept saying stop, no, get off me and its was almost like I wasn’t in my own body like I couldn’t move to save my life… Then the next thing I remember is the guys friend juan was at the door and asked what was going on… Then the guy told Juan he was finished and if he wanted to come in the room to have me. Juan said no and went back downstairs this was when I was 16 i will be turning 20 feb21st I never went to the police to report it… My mom didn’t care. I currently have a boyfriend and he lives me without a doubt I feel like I will not be as good to him as he is to me, what do I do?

    Like

    Reply

    1. ej Instead of worrying about being as good to your boyfriend as he is to you I would worry about getting healthy for you both. You obviously didn’t have the support you needed the past couple of years and you feel it is now hurting your relationship with your boyfriend. So take care of yourself through professional counseling and that is not only going to help your and your future but also your relationship! Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  50. I have a question. I met a guy and we had been talking for a while, maybe a month, and one day he asked if he could come over and hang out. So I said yes. He came and we talked and watched TV and then out of nowhere he leaned over and kissed me. I wasn’t expecting it so I tried to lean away but he kept coming in. Then he unzipped my pants and took off his. Then he took off my panties and put me on the couch and began vaginal penetration. After he was done he put his stuff on and said if I wanted kids to text him again. After he left I felt dirty and stayed in my room all day. Then a few days later I started getting pains in my legs. And I felt like I brought it on because I said he could come hang out. I haven’t told any of my family yet because my family is so strict on having sex outside of marriage and they’d judge me. I also haven’t been eating a lot unless my dad tells me to. I didn’t tell my dad because I don’t feel comfortable talking to him. I didn’t tell my mom or aunt either because because they say I’m vulnerable. Is this rape? Because I just wanted to hang out and I wasn’t expecting sex to happen. I haven’t talked to anyone. What should I do?

    Like

    Reply

    1. CP It’s rape if you told him no or tried to stop him and he didn’t. If you made it clear verbally or physically that it wasn’t ok and he forced himself on you then yes it is rape. Also, I would definitely get checked out by a doctor, even a free clinic if necessary. Lynn

      Like

      Reply

Leave a reply to Lynn Cancel reply