Types of rape

1) Sexual Assault (whether from someone you knew or a stranger):

Rape is an act of physical and sexual violence done to gain power and control. It is not a sexual act or act of passion. Approx. 80% of rapes involve non-physical force, just the verbal threat of injury or threat with a weapon. They use just enough force via mentally or physically to gain submission and then the aggression continues once they have submission. In many cases there are no bruises or physical injury to indicate rape because the rapist doesn’t want to leave evidence and make it harder on the victim to prove. Approx 71% of all rapes the attack is planned by trapping the victim, which occurs in date rape, aquaintance rape, or gang rape. Approx. 11% of rapes are partially planned. This occurs when the rapist realizes that the victim is in a vulnerable position, such as burglaries turning into rape. Also, rape most often occurs in the home of the victim.

2) Submissive Rape:

This is the most unrecognized and least talked about of all rapes. It is also very common because when some victims become so terrified they go into survival mode by staying as calm and figure out the best possible way to get out of the situation, even if that is to temporarily “mentally check out” of the physical act happening. If it happens to be a stranger, submissive rape is common because the victim doesn’t know if this person is capable of killing or not. Most victims of submissive rape feel this was their weakness and unfortunately usually have to answer to the people they’ve confided in and explain why they did what they did, when at the time they don’t understand themselves. Let me tell you, this is a strength not a weakness because the victim did what they had to do to get out of the situation, still alive (even though it doesn’t feel like it). You had to save yourself the only way you knew you could at the time.

Then there is submissive rape with someone you know, even possibly a husband, boyfriend or maybe an ex. This type of rape is very controversial because it is their word against yours and you may have even had consensual sex before. This is also the most common type of rape amongst married people and couples since they are hardly ever reported because they think no one will believe them. It is all about control, not you, remember – rape is rape is rape.

3) Drug-facilitated rape:

I can give some personal insight on this since it happened to me twice in my life. The first time I didn’t know what happened. Didn’t tell anyone and thought I must of blacked out and stayed in denial. Years later I realized what happened to me and dealt with both rapes. Drug facilited rapes are in rampage everywhere from your typical clubs and house parties to your neighborhood restaurants. It can be a stranger to someone you thought you knew or trusted. Their line (if you catch or know them) is always, “I thought you wanted it”! This type of rape is also rarely reported because it takes the victim a while to remember if they ever do. Their minds are so cloudy they aren’t sure what happened. So because they can’t remember all the details or are listening to someone else tell their side of the story they feel they don’t have a case against their rape. My best advice for individuals that aren’t sure of the exact circumstances, believe your gut instincts, because they are typically right. You may not be to account for every detail but a person knows when they have been violated. Just take solice in knowing that you will never have to re-live it. That was the one positive thing that I focused on. Instead of trying to figure out what happened to me, like if I’m all over the internet and how many people assaulted me (I had 7 lesions in my uterus), I focused on the fact that I will never have to re-live my rape. You should still try and get some type of counseling or have an outlet to let out your feelings, no matter what they are. This type of rape leaves a lot to the victims imagination, and the victim might think the worst. Every victim of drug-facilitated rape must remember no matter what the circumstances were..

205 thoughts on “Types of rape”

  1. I came to this site because i was raped a year and half ago. It went on for 3 months and i couldnt do anything to stop it. I havent dealt with it. everyone is acting like it never happened. I have no one to talk to about it. Its just stuck inside me. My mom “forgave” my rapist and thinks hes the greatest thing that has ever happened to us. My “sister”-i chose not to call her that because thats not how family acts-chose to stay with her husband, who is the man that raped me. no one ever asks me how i am or what i feel or anything. i moved out october 15 2009, the night after the last time he raped me and not one time has my family talked to me or asked me about it. I just need someone to talk to and vent to. I feel like if i dont get it off my chest soon im going to explode. I cant handle it anymore by myself.

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    1. T.
      Well, the one thing we know is you can’t rely on your family for support. Do you have any friends that you 100% completely trust that you can talk to or turn to 24/7? All you need is one person that can listen and be a shoulder to cry on to help when you are feeling alone. The other thing and this is a must, since you were not only raped you lost your family as well so you are dealing with two major issues that need to be treated by a professional. You must seek counseling for this or you will explode and it won’t be pretty. You can go to rainn.org and find a professional near you or even call your local crisis center. You never realize how people will act and they never act how you would think. But the one thing I learned is I can only control what I do therefore my mental well being is more important than anyone else’s. So when I have my head on straight I know how to handle others or may choose not to handle them at all and just not let it bother me. You are in the right and they are in the wrong, remember that and take care of yourself! Stay strong! Lynn

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  2. i was raped last friday by a stranger who tried to kill me with his knife, it wasnt only rape he was chocking me to death while raping me and he looked like he was enjoying seeing me not able to breathe and fighting for my life an d crying in the same time, i havent told anyone yet and i dont know how to deal with it but now im pretending it didnt happen yet im no longer the same person i feel dirty and sad and i cant find a reason to live, this man had changed my life for ever

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    1. E. I’m so sorry this happened to you and I know what an intensely vulnerable time this is for you. You are right, this does change a person forever BUT it doesn’t mean you will never be happy again or stronger for getting through this. Trust me when I tell you that you MUST focus on the good and not the bad because unfortunately what happened can’t be changed so we have to struggle to get to our future and make it good again. Like myself who was left for dead the day I transformed from victim to survivor was the day I realized I was lucky to be alive and that is what I need you to focus on now too! This was obviously a person that could have in fact taken your life but you made it through. Even though I know your life has changed as in all rape victims DON’T let him control the rest of your life. Focus ONLY on the positive that you are alive and that is for a reason, so try and make the best of it because that is all you have control over. That being said, go to rainn.org and try and find a counselor near you. It is anonymous and the sooner you try and get your life back and the more you work at it the better the results. Meaning don’t push it down deep like it didn’t happen because that never works and if you read through the posts on my website you won’t find one person that has written to me that “pushing it down and acting as if it didn’t happen” worked for anyone. And the sooner you get help (and I won’t lie it’s not easy) the sooner you work through it and know how to handle it. Hope this helps. Stay Strong! Lynn

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  3. i wasn’t raped, but almost…this guy i knew for only a week, he knew that am going through some financial problem and he offered help. one day he came over to my house and while we were sitting on the couch, he started touching me and kissing me anywhere. i told him NO but he was so persistent until he carried me to my bed (am living in a studio type apartment), he undressed so quickly, jumped over me and started to insert his penis through my short pants trying to insert it to my vagina. at that time, i couldn’t do anything so i begged him to stop, i begged him not to give me more problems… eventually he finally stopped…

    this happened last february and it was my 1st time to experience as such. in the first few days, that scene haunted me and i felt like i was sick or something. i couldnt tell anyone about it, i feel embarrassed talking about it. now am confused if i have to go to the police to file a report or just keep it to myself since he never succeeded in the first place. what should i do? pls help me and share me your insights. thanks!

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  4. I was raped… a year and a half ago… It lasted about 2 months, before i got away, having stayed out of fear. I was 19.

    I don’t know where to turn to, as the last relationship i had, i associated my partner with the fears from before, causing me to withdraw from him regardless of the understanding and tenderness.

    I’m approaching a new relationship, but I am too afraid to go through with it, as i am afraid of this man becoming an object of my fear. He has been a friend, and witnessed my struggles, supported me, but i’m not sure what to do about our love, and my fears.

    The last thing i want to do is be afraid of him..
    S

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    1. S. You can’t go through life being scared of every relationship BUT you do need to be extra aware & ALWAYS tell your sexual partners you are a survivor of sexual assault before you have sex with them. It is one of the most important lessons ever that I learned and when I finally listened to my therapist I finally “got it”! Because if they can’t handle the fact of what happened and is a part of your life then you don’t need to be giving your body to them because we all know that we look at it as trusting them as sexual partners after rape… That’s not how they see it unless they know it and are willing to work through it with you. Seriously I know it’s hard but it is the right advice! Just remember the rape doesn’t define you, only the rapist as a rapist! Stay strong and take care of yourself. Lynn

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  5. When I was 17 I was raped by my ex-boyfriend. I had lost my virginity to him and thought I was in love. He called over Christmas Holiday and broke up with me. He asked me to pick up some of my things that I had left at his parents house. When I arrived there were several of his friends were there. His friends helped him hold me down as he raped me. I was so scared that the others would also rape me that I became submissive. I left feeling that I had allowed it to happen because I gave up fighting. Im 47 now. I have absolute panic attacks when others get too close in proximity to me. I wonder if this fear will ever go away. Im not sure what it will take to have a normal relationship.

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    1. A. That is so horrible and I’m so sorry it has stuck with you so deeply all these years. I would recommend group counseling for you and here is why.. When you go to group yes the sad part is hearing the bad stuff but the good part is you realize you aren’t crazy and the feelings you are having are normal AND you might find coping mechanisms that have worked with others. I guarantee you will find at minimum 1 person you can totally connect with and survivors can help almost as much as therapists cause we know and understand like no others. Whether or not you go to group or personal get to a counselor and get the help you’ve needed and deserved since you were 17. You are worth it and worthy of a beautiful life, don”t waste another day. Be strong stand up and take it one step at a time! Stay strong! Lynn

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  6. I believe I am a victim of the date rape drug. I was at the club saturday with my friends and because i wasnt feeling well i had planned on only having one drink. which i didn’t finish. I don’t remember a thing from the night but when I got home (which I’m lucky I had made it home some how…since i still had my cab money i had put away) I had been beaten (i have a black eye and multiple goose eggs on my head and face, i have bruises on my arms like i was held down and scratches all over me) and my clothes were torn and my boots which had thick plastic heels were scrached bad like i had been struggling and kicking on a hard surface and my cell phone is gone. which is not like me since my cell phone is my life line. I believe in my heart I was raped possibly by multiple people. I am terrrified to leave my home. I haven’t told anyone other then my boyfriend who is just assuming I went out and cheated on him (which i would also never do!) and is using this as an excuse. I don’t know who did this to me. And I am afraid to go out even to get groceries or go to work. I am looking at everyone like they did this to me. I have never felt so alone. I am 1600 kms from my family and don’t really have a support system here. I don’t know what to do, or how to deal with this. I can’t stop crying….I’m scared….

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    1. A. I’m so sorry you are going through this & not getting the support you need. I hate to admit but unfortunately from all my experience is the one thing I know for a fact in most rapes are that the people you know never really act like you’d expect. Like some will let you down and some will rise you up but it’s not ususally the way you would think. Anyway I know this from personal experience & learned I had to take care of myself, physically & mentally. Don’t get me wrong I’m not saying you aren’t entitled to crying and feeling what you need to get out. That being said, when the support group you wished you had & aren’t there for you then you need to get to a counselor/therapist like yesterday. You need to be in the company of someone that doesn’t judge, doesn’t push, doesn’t question so you can stop worrying about others and focus on your own recovery. You are #1! You are the most important & the most fragile right now so YOU need to be taken care of even if it comes down to taking care of yourself. Just because someone else may have let you down doesn’t mean you should let yourself down… right? Right! Cause YOU matter the most right now so stay strong and don’t give up cause YOU’RE WORTH IT! Lynn

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  7. I formed a relationship with a woman i met at work we have being together almost a year now and have shared a lot of our past i have been raped on 3 occasions and when i was 13 i was gang raped in a field by several men after telling my girlfriend this she revealed she too was the victim of gang rape at the age of 17 i had help to deal with my feelings and thoughts via a councillor however my girlfriend never told anyone before me and she says its a huge relief to tell someone and feels better just by talking to me she does hold an overwhelming shame in the fact she had her first orgasm during her ordeal she is now on sleeping pills and anti-depressants to help her although she feels better i think its also made her face that night and i am so unsure of how to help her more other than be there for her i am not qualified to help her but she will not go to a councillor she has become very dependant on me and says its because no-one has ever just let her be herself and helped her without wanting anything in return how do you think i should progress into helping her further or am i doing the right thing already????

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    1. S. Slippery slope so be very careful. The great news is you have a special bond albeit not the type you would want but it is a bond nonetheless. The bad news is it sounds like you are walking on egg shells on your part. How do feel about group therapy? If she won’t go without you, how do feel about going with her? I know it’s a lot to think about but she needs to get that just because you’ve also been a victim that doesn’t mean you are her therapist because you are also dealing with your own issues and you’re not a professional. At the same time I get the impression that you are a strong figure for her as you want to be, but that doesn’t mean you should take on healing her, being strong for her yes, healing her no, that is her decision. Stay strong! Lynn

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  8. I was raped over six years ago by a boy I went to school with. I was drunk and he carried me into his bedroom and took advantage of me when I was in a vulnerable position. It has affected me deeply and I am still unable to trust anyone, make friends or feel happy. I never told anyone about it until four years after the rape occurred when I started seeing a therapist. I want to move on and heal from this experience and I feel that in order to do this I need to tell people. I want to tell my ex-boyfriend who I had been going out with for a long time before the rape happened. I’m worried though because the boy who raped me is one of his best friends and this will cause him a lot of pain and I have also not seen him in a very long time. However I feel if I could get the truth out I will be gaining some form of justice and be able to move forward. I’m not sure what to do.

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    1. P. Are you still seeing a therapist because before I tell your ex I think I would ask the direct advice from your therapist. You have to look at the consequences in both ways of how it will affect you. I understand what you want to accomplish but have you thought about how you would feel if it doesn’t go the way you would like it to? I just am worried about you and as long as you have prepared yourself for the best situation as well as the worst outcome and you are sure you want to do this then OK. But if you are not prepared then I wouldn’t do it until you are. Ultimately, it doesn’t matter what others think or how they act, because you are only in control of your own actions/feelings so that’s truly all that matters, how you feel. That is why I suggest keep going to therapy or start back up and concentrate on yourself. Like I said if you are prepared and feel strong enough & it’s something you must do then go ahead, just be positive you have thought it all out. Stay strong! Lynn

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  9. So, about two weeks ago my boyfriend and I were hanging out. To put it bluntly, he wanted to have sex, but I didn’t. I said no, and tried to get away, but after I while I just gave in and “checked out”. I confronted him about it, and he feels HORRIBLE. Our problem is that he thought I was just playing, and I wasn’t serious and he blames it on INCREDIBLY bad judgement. I know him, and it’s going to sound incredibly stupid, but I know he didn’t mean to hurt me like this. Our problem is how to get past it. How does he deal with the guilt? How do I deal with this? Is there any hope for us as a couple? I don’t know what to do because I still love him and I can’t tell anyone because I don’t want them to hate him for something he’s already beating himself up over. I trusted him. Every boyfriend I’ve ever had has either cheated, hit me, or sexually assaulted me. I finally thought this was my happy ending, but now this happens. We’ve dated for almost two years with no problems. Please help. I don’t want him to hurt himself, but I feel just as helpless when it comes to me.

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    1. B. He is NOT the one. You can love him all you want but he is NOT the one. If you don’t break it off, it will most likely happen again, because once it’s his bad, second time it’s your bad. NOT meaning you asked for it, meaning you didn’t listen to the warning signs. It sounds to me like you are more worried about him than you, BIG mistake! Rape is about control, not you, which is why I state it will probably happen again. And being with him and accepting his apologies just because he is the first guy that never cheated on you is not thinking clearly. The easiest way for me to tell you, is if you had a daughter and she said the exact same thing to you as you did here in the post, what would you tell her? I’m sure it wouldn’t be to forgive him. Hell I’d rather have a cheater than a rapist for a boyfriend. Sorry but look at it as if it was your daughter. I think you would tell her get out NOW! He needs to learn his lesson by loosing you, and if you don’t leave him, the lesson will only be that you accept his control! Think about it! Stay strong you deserve better! Lynn

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  10. last night i went out w my friends we all got really drunk, i met this guy in the bar and ended up bringing him home w me. We ended up in my bedroom though i told him i didn’t want sex he forced himself on me and then left. I feel so upset and dirty but more than anything i feel so incredibly guilty because i feel like i set this whole situation up by bringing him to my house.

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    1. S. Stop feeling guilty because that is like saying that every girl or guy out there that takes someone home is looking to be raped! I know and understand why you feel this way, but you weren’t looking to get raped so place the guilt where it belongs on the guy that raped you. Have you gone to the doctor and gotten checked out? Hopefully you have to prevent any issues that might occur. Hopefully he used a condom, if not you need to get to your doctor and get checked. I hope you reported it but if not I understand that too. Just here on out you need to forgive yourself for bringing him home because that is NOT an open invitation to sex and once you say “no” it is rape and no longer about you but control over you. Try and at the very least get some counseling through rainn.org or try your local crisis center and they can either refer you or possibly offer it there, even if you didn’t report it. Don’t beat yourself, just take care of yourself going forward. Stay strong! Lynn

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  11. I was raped over 4 years ago by my bosses husdand and nefew..I went to my bosses house to pick-up some papper work that I needed, they kept asking me if I wanted something to drink, I insisted that I wanted nothing to drink they brought me one anyway, the beer was already open I slowley started to drink it I got about halfway and started to fill as thought the room was spinning, so I went upstairs bathroom because I thought I was going to be sick, all I remember at the time was being on the bathroom floor and my bosses nefew coming in and grabbing me by the hand and leading me into a bedroom, I woke-up the next morning in thier daughters bed, not remembering much of ANYTHING it was like I blacked out. I had burses on my innner thighs and was very sore! I snuck out the front door and left confused! I had 15 missed calls on my phone, I’m gay and had been in a relationship with my wife at the time for 5 years which is now going on 9 years. I’m just now remembering small bits and pieces of that night and it driving me crazy, I can’t even get ready for work in the morning with out being hit with thoughts and memories of that night….I think the worst part of this is that I was really good friends with my boss and from what bits and pieces I remember my bosses husband and her nephfew took turns raping me while I lay their…I no longer work for her and we do not talk….I can’t do anything about what happened because it is to late, I didi not remember until years later and I keep having memory flash backs of the same things over and over agian, I have not told my partner and I want to tell her but I can’t!!

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    1. R. The reason you’re feeling this way is because your body is telling you it is time to deal with this. Something you can start trying immediately is to write out your feelings every time you get upset. Just get all those feelings out of your head and out on paper. This is not only an excellent release but if you decide to keep what you’ve written you can take it to your counselor to discuss in detail and determine your triggers & how to deal with them. Which is the next step, get some counseling. You can go through work ins or a work EAP, with some employers. Also, you can try a local crisis center to see if they offer counseling or can refer you. Or go t rainn.org and find someone closest to you. All options are subject to the privacy law, therefore discreet by law and/or anonymous. It won’t be easy but you obviously can’t continue to try and avoid it or act like it will go away because you are ready to let it out and I don’t think it should be to your gf yet… Anytime time you are in a serious relationship you must let your partner know what happened. However it is better that you know and learn how to deal with it before you tell them so they don’t feel as if you are turning to them looking for them to fix you. Trust me as much as they will want to, the responsibility is yours, for yourself #1 and for your other relationships (any type) #2. First, you take care of yourself and when you have your head together it makes a much better conversation and you will look like a survivor not a victim. You will determine then what you want or don’t want to discuss. You will know what you are going to say and whatever the outcome is you will be strong enough to handle it. That is when you talk to your partner or any other someone that you might want to tell. If it comes down to you just needing to spit it out, then say I was raped several years ago and I’m experiencing unexpected feelings right now. I really don’t want to say anymore right now other than I am in counseling taking the steps I need to in order to deal with this situation. Please be patient and thanks for understanding. Then if you need time alone she will understand, if you need cuddle time, she should understand and there shouldn’t be any pressure on you or her. And when and if you are ready you will know it. But get some counseling asap. Stay strong! Lynn

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  12. I was raped about 12 days ago in my own house. i was under the influence of vidicin because i have to have surgery and it helps ease the pain. my “friends” husband co-worker raped me and she watched and did nonthing about it. now i dont have a case because she refuses to admit she was at my house! not only that her husband is protecting a man he barley knows to keep him out of trouble. some days are better then others but mostley at night i just cry, because nonthing will be done to him. and how could a women just watch you get raped and do and say nonthing about it? i feel so betrayed and hurt. i dont know what to do! i can no longer look in the mirror and see somebody, for i see nonthing! i cant stand to look at myself! i cant stand to touch myself! i feel so dirty and worthless! and i know that its not my fault but it doesnt change the way i feel about myself. a worthless person uncapable of being loved. a nobody……

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    1. I. I’m sorry you’re feeling so down and understandably so, however I did find something positive in your message. You said, “I know its not my fault”, that my friend is the first step to recovery and feeling as a deserving worthy person again. If you know it’s not your fault you take the biggest step already so try and look through the ugly and look for the positive, no matter how big or small. Focus on that and things you can do to promote your steps in healing. You are still in the trauma stage and will go through several stages so as serious as you feel, know these feelings are felt by many and we get through it. Take strength in knowing you are not alone. Read through some of the posts to know what you are feeling is not crazy, its not good but its not crazy or abnormal either. Let me tell you another positive you have is that the sooner you get professional counseling the quicker you will heal. It is true the longer you wait the longer it takes because it is buried deeper. This is fresh and you obviously need the help of someone who can help you. So now is the time to do it and not give up on yourself. You are worthy and deserving of everything you want and because this happened doesn’t take that away from you (even though you feel like it) it takes that away from the people that did this to you and I promise, Karma will come back to them. Rape is about control, not about you, and that is what they did that night. So don’t let them control you, your feelings or your mind anymore. Help yourself, stand up for yourself and get help because the sooner you do the sooner you will be happy again. Stay strong! Lynn

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  13. It all began when i was 4 the boy next door would call me to his house and take me in yhe toilet where he would tell me to touch his willy and he would then take my pants down and put his willy in all i can remember is it hurts and i would start crying and he woul tell me that we are friends and thats what friends do and it was our secret.it continued for years and my mother’s brother too raped me once when i was 4 never told anyone.When i was 13 my dad tried to rape me but i managed to flee.When i was 20 a man called me to his car and he told me he was knew in the area and was looking for someone to show him around i got in the car and he drove me to the woods when i asked where we were going he started shouting,he said iwas a hore and was too black and was pretenting to be inocent and no body cared about people like me.he forced me to say i loved him and wanted him to give me his baby.he forced me to do a blow job and say i liked his willy.my heart was already pounding and knew that he was going to rape me on kill me.he stopped the car in the middle of noway and he got out of the and went in his boot all i could here was noises as if he was looking for a weapon.i knew i could’nt get out ran so i stayed when he got in the car he had a garden fork in his hand and told me to take my pants of i did then he raped me we drove to another area and stopped and raped me again.he said it was my fault i was the one who had aproached him i had bled the first time so through my pantie outside.i wanted him to love me and apologise so i agreed to meet him the nexst day becoz i thought he would have come to his sences.i took my younger sister with me. we drove to the same place and told my sister that i had aprouched him for sex.iwas very disapointed.he started saying my sister was beautifull than me and he liked her.he stopped the car and had sex with my sister whilest i was watching.the other on was just 6months after that encounter.i went to my boyfriend’s house and he was not there so his friends took advantage of me when i was drunk.they raped me.

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    1. Special One, I’m so sorry to hear all this and you MUST seek counseling as soon as you possible can. This is such a serious deep rooted thing because it started at 4 and at such a young age you wouldn’t really know the difference between right or wrong, just by trusting and this has given you a mindset that has lasted throughout your life. Sex does not mean love. Please remember that. Respect of a persons body and mind is the start of love and without that there is no love involved. Remember respect, respect, respect, if you don’t have that you have nothing. Call your local crisis center and either see if they can offer free counseling or refer you to someone. You can try your church if you have one or even go to rainn.org and find the closest counselor to you but YOU MUST get professional help in order to stop this abuse from happening any longer. Can you take a self defense class because that would help as well and lastly until you can get help I would not be drinking any alcohol or using drugs because that can make you vulnerable in situations and you don’t need that anymore. Please try and get counseling immediately! Stay strong! Lynn

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  14. I met married man for dinner after work one night only because he said he had something for me that related to a project I was working on. He had complained he was tired and would appreciate it if I met him in the hotel for dinner, then he would give this “something or other” and he could go to bed.

    I am 5’10 and at that time pretty slim but not a wafe. I was strong. We had dinner and I kept asking him what it was and he would change the subject. After dinner he asked if I could just come up to the room with him so he could give it to me there. I thought to myself, strange. I was starting to feel weird like but he was like “oh come on. It will only be a few minutes and your out of here”. Then I was ashamed because I have never thought of myself as a looker so why was I getting anxious all of the sudden with him.

    Well, the minute I entered the room he made his move. We struggled, but no fists flew. I was trying to get out the door. Almost made it but he beat me and held the door shut so I went into the bathroom and locked the door. He would not let me go. So now I am thinking “what they hell am I going to do now? If I screamed it would gather attention and I would have to bring this up at work the next day. This was mortifying to me. On top of that, I really didnt think anyone would believe me. I thought I was ugly after all. Who would rape me?

    So I gathered my strength for one last struggle to get out the door. I lost. But more because I just didn’t want to take it to the level of slapping and punching. Then I couldn’t pretend it never happened because the marks would show at work the next day. Not to mention my family would just look at me in disgust. So it happened but, thank God, it was brief. As soon as he was off of me I ran and was out of there.

    So this isn’t rape is it? More like cowardice on my part. He was latter fired for doing the samething to another girl but in another office. This makes me feel horrible.

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    1. F. OF COURSE THIS WAS RAPE! Anytime you say no and are forced to have sex, it is rape! I understand the sticky situation and why it happened the way it did, but in no way did you deserve this. What I need you to understand going forward is two things. #1) Listen to your gut instinct, it is usually right. Next time a red flag goes up, listen to it and act accordingly, even if you think it is wrong. Better to be safe than sorry. Secondly, you need to get professional help to get your mind straight on this so you will be able to move forward with your feelings instead of feeling horrible and stuck in the past. Go to rainn.org and find the nearest professional counselor to you and get the help you need. we can’t change the past but we are in control of the future, so stop letting this guy control you by keeping you in the past that can’t be change. Take back control and help yourself. Once you head is on straight and you stop blaming yourself you will be able to deal with it and put the blame where it belongs, on him. Stay strong! Lynn

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  15. i was raped yesterday by a guy i thought was a friend. i had a run in with him before at my work. he made me give him a hand job while i told him no and i would pull away but he would grab my hand and put it there to do it. few months later im at my friends birthday party at her family business and was drinking. he was there and we were talking with our friends and drinking. next thing i know i have to go to the bathroom. he was in there harrassing another friend of mine which i just found out. she was ok. she thought he got out of the bathroom but she was wrong. i go in and he is hiding behind the door. he begins to fondle me and touch me as i say no stop we cant do this please stop. next thing i know im bent over the sink and he begins to have sex with me. i gave in because i was confused on what to do. i said stop a few more times as this was happening. i tried to push him away but it wouldnt work. finally he let go and he stopped because i heard someone by the door. he left and i was left there confused.

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    1. Confused, the only thing I think you are confused about was your actions because you know this was rape, no confusion there. You said no, you tried to resist, this is rape. If you have any evidence, like unwashed clothes from that night, I would report him. This is someone that you are going to be in contact with and this is obviously not his first time, so I’m assuming if something isn’t done to stop this guy it won’t be his last. Let me explain that rape is about control, not you. The more he feels like he is in control, by getting away with things like this, the more he will do it. And I hate to say it but the more likely he will return to you, since he is in control of you in his mind. You need to at the very least take a self defense class, promise me! This is not his first time with you, and he got what he really wanted the second time, think about it, you are an easy target to him so he needs to not think that. Keep your distance, take a self defense class and if you can turn him in. If he was forward with your friend maybe the two of you can turn him in, better in numbers. Put a restraining order on him, because he has made two offenses on you, it should be easy. Don’t be scared, be more scared letting him think he has control. You have control now make sure you take care of yourself., Stay strong! Lynn

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  16. I was raped over a period of time by my ex-boyfriend. I would say no, tell him I didn’t want it and he would pester me for an hour or more until I gave in. He’d use excuses like blue balls and wanting me so bad that I drove him crazy. It was sad. It started about a year and month ago and lasted until a month ago. He denies every doing it and acts like nothing like that every happened. There were one time where it was very forceful and I clearly said no over and over again. Another time he almost did, but stopped last minute. It makes me feel terrified of trusting another man. I had depression for almost 13 years because of a molestation that happened to me when I was younger. I fear it may come back because of what he did. I try to stay busy, but it’s starting to dominate my world. I never realized that he was raping me repeatedly until I looked up the different kinds. The worse forceful rape happened in May and I didn’t recognize it as that until late August. It’s only September 29th now, so I’ve been dealing with it for a month. I don’t know what to do anymore. My college only offers 8 sessions with my school’s counselor and after that, I don’t know what I’m going to do.

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    1. K. Well I’m glad you realize you want and need professional help, good for you. The quicker you get help the quicker you are on you way to a better quality of life. See if you have a local crisis center near you because they usually offer counseling and work with your income of can direct you on who to call. You can also go to rainn.org and find the nearest counselor to you also and they tend to work on sliding scales. But don’t give up because there are people that can and will help. This is very deep rooted for you because of the molestation so it truly is mandatory you receive help to have a better future. You can get through this, it’s not wasy but it’s worth it and necessary for you. I’m proud of you that you are recognizing and seeking assistance. Your college might even be able to recommend where to go when you’ve utilized all your visits. Stay strong! Lynn

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  17. I’m a 15 boy and I was raped 6 times by my grandfather I don’t know what to do b/c I don’t want him to go to jail/prison but I want to tell my mom and dad. I haven’t been doing well in school and they blame me because I don’t know why but they have know Idea whats going on in my life now. I see his filthy face every Thursday and he tells me he is in love with me but I can do any thing. My penis is telling me yes and my whole body is telling me no way but I can’t fight him off I’m too scared. I see him this thursday and I don’t know if I should tell him that he needs to stop or I’ll contact the police I’m scared so bad I started crying in math and got made fun of know one understands me for I am a kid and know one will believe me because there is no evidence. Help me or I will help myself …….. C

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    1. C. I apologize in the delay for getting back to you! Don’t tell your grandfather anything, act as if everything is normal to him. You need to either tell your parents or the police. Don’t be scared because that means he is controlling you. The police will be on your side no matter what because you are a child, so please don’t threaten your grandfather that you are gonna call the police, because he could hurt you. Just call them. If you are worried about your parents, just call the police. If you must see him again get some type of dna evidence if you can (if you haven’t already). I don’t want you to have to see him ever again and this is the LAST resort if you do. Do you have a guidance counselor at school you could turn to. They might be able to help with the police, or even a teacher you trust. Just do your best to never see him again. I promise you the police can help and will believe you even without dna evidence, but if you had it it could help tremendously. Think about any clothes you may have now that haven’t been washed that could have his DNA. You can get DNA just from touching someone or something. So please let the police do their job and protect you. Stay strong and let me know what happens. Lynn

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  18. I read all of you guys story and it sounds so familiar to me. I was raped by my uncle from the age of 6 until i was 9. He did things to me that i will never forget, he told me if i told anyone he would kill my entire family and me. For about a year he told me that no one would believe me because i was a child, he then said that it was my fault because he knew i wanted it. I never understood how can i want something if I’m crying and screaming then entire time. No one notice when i started to withdraw, my grades dropped, i became very anger and aggressive and i wouldn’t eat. He was 19 when it started i was a baby. He took something from me that i will never be able to get back. I keep telling myself i’m over it but now anytime a person tries to hold me i get defensive and try to fight. I don’t cry which makes me extremely nervous because i feel like im so cold now that i have no feelings. When it finally came out he only got 3 years in jail. I said if i ever see him now that i would make him pay for everything he did to me. But, i know I wouldn’t harm him because God will take care of him on his judgement day. I run every man off that tries to get close to me because i always see him and regardless to the counseling the talks that will never change.

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  19. Reading these replys makes me see i’m not alone. I was gang raped by 6 guys(5 cousins and i don’t know who the 6th guy was) for 3 months almost everyday by at least one of them. but several times they all got together and did it. I would check out. I was only 8 -just a child! I didn’t know what to tell anyone. I didn’t even have words for what was happening to me. I didn’t remember it until I was 16. I told my mom but kept quiet for my aunt adn uncle. there were the sweetest ppl i didn’t want to hurt them. So I have carried this hidden all these years. I’m 44 now. I have flashbacks, can’t leave the house. I have a security system and a dog. I just bought a shot gun. They ruined my life. They took my life. I never got to have a family or a husband. I never could sustain a relationship. I feel like my life is over. I’m tired and ready to give up. I just want the pictures in my mind to stop…the sounds of them laughing fighting over who was going to be next…the feel of the sun coming through the window…the smeill of the damp cellarl… the feel of their hands on me. It makes me sick. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. One of them died last year. I was so glad. They don’t deserve to live on this planet. They all had wives and children and I got nothing but fear and heartache. I don’t know what to do or where to turn. I live in a very very small town. No rape services here. I wish I had prosecuted them. I wish i had told someone hwen i was 8. My parents divorced at that tiem and we had moved into my aunts house. Mom was gone most of the time. They would even rape me upstairs with the adults downstairs. I was terrrified. I can’t even leave my house very often now. I don’t feel safe anywhere. and it’s just getting worse every day. My friend told me to grow up and stop my rambling. Now I have no one.

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    1. M. I know you said you live in a small town but still check out rainn.org and see what you can find closest to you. Even if you have to travel a little, it would be worth it is you could get professional help, which is what you need. You know this because it is still an issue at your age. As far as your friend that told you to grow up… they aren’t your friend. That is not the type of people you need to be hanging around. They are ignorant so it’s best if you just stay away from them. You are allowed to have these feelings but it would be so much better if you could learn how to deal with them so you can concentrate on what you do have control over, your future, not your past. Have you ever thought of moving, especially if these guys are still in your little town. Sometimes a move can do you good, a fresh start and somewhere where you can get professional help that you need. The longer you wait the longer it will take… So take control back over your life. In the meantime of getting professional help, write out all your feelings about an hour before bed. You don’t have to keep them (or you could and take them to the counseling visit) just get everything out of your head onto paper as a release to help you sleep better and give your brain a rest. The better your sleep habits are the less anxiety you will have. Take a self defense class if you can, this will really help with your sense of security. And even though it may seem too difficult, consider moving, if your attackers are still around. Do it for you, even if you can’t do it right now, start actively working towards the goal, whether that be finding a new job, saving, looking for apts, whatever. All this will help keep your mind occupied too. It would give you something to look forward to. Just make sure if you do that you go somewhere that you can get the counseling you need. Stay strong! lynn

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  20. I can relate to some of the stories on here, but I don’t know if I was raped or not. I’m confused to whether or not I actually was. I had my ex-boyfriend over yesterday and he kept pestering me touch him, touching me and trying to kiss me when I said no and kept pushing him away. He then grabbed my hand and forced me to touch him and then stood on the couch and forced himself on me, but after that he didn’t go any further. Although he didn’t go all the way I still felt dirty and vulnerable afterwards, but I’m not sure if what he did is considered rape. I feel that even though I did say no I didn’t fight back enough and I don’t know, but I feel so guilty and skanky and like it’s my fault. And I’m sorry for wasting your time with this, but I don’t have anyone to talk to about this.

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    1. B. I’m not sure if you are saying he did force intercourse on you or other sexual acts, but either way it is sexual assault when you say no and he forces himself in any sexual way, whether or not he is your boyfriend. More than 50% of rape victims knew their attackers because they have built a trust level with them and then take advantage of it. This is what happened to you. And you are not wasting my time because otherwise I wouldn’t be able to tell you to get the hell away from this asshole. You can report it if you want but whatever you do don’t act like it never happened because that is what he wants you to do. Rape/Sexual assault is about control and if they can get away with it it chances of it happening again are very high. So at the very least get away from this guy and tell him if he doesn’t leave you alone you are going to the police. But make sure you let him know that you’ve already told a couple people so they know and are looking out for you, so he doesn’t try and threaten you or scare you. And it’s not your fault, seriously. When something like this happens of course we feel like crap but in no way shape or form does you saying no to him, means it is your fault. It is his fault and he knows it, so you need to know it too no matter what he says to you. I prefer you never speak to him again, just seriously walk away and never look back. Stay strong! Lynn

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  21. I really can not believe this but a year ago I was raped by my best friends husband in the back of my car. We were all at the club, celebrating her birthday when I began to feel funny. I decided I would leave the group and go lie down in the car. At some point he came into the car. I do not know how long he was there but I remember being forced to perform oral sex, I know this because he was choking me and pulling my hair, I think I blacked out at this point. He had not stopped there because I also recall searing pain in my anal area. I would never consent to sex with him or what he did to me. Honestly it was the following day when I was told by his wife that I had sex with her husband and people saw us. Why didn’t anybody stop it. I hate what happened. I am not that type of person. I feel my husband doesn’t believe me and I can’t discuss it with him. My faith in him and others has diminished greatly and I can’t even look at myself in the mirror. I have three beautiful children and everytime I look at them I feel ashamed and embarrassed. This has also played a significant role in the failure of my marriage. I have gone through counseling and she was great but she kept asking me why he (my husband) wasn’t worrried about me. Why he wasn’t looking for me. I honestly don’t know. I wish he had rescued me and I wish he had confronted our “friend.” But he did nothing. He says he believe that I wouldn’t allow it and he thinks I had been drugged but he never defended me. I am mad at the rapist (our friend) and my husband. Is this selfish?

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    1. D. Of course it’s not selfish, you have every right to be angry at both of them. It’s very possible you were drugged and that he knew exactly what he was doing. Your husband sounds like he wants to believe it but he doesn’t, because I don’t know any husband that wouldn’t confront their friend if he believed you. That’s a very difficult situation because the way I look at it and this is only MY opinion, if my husband can’t stand by me to help, support and believe in me after rape then what else is he not gonna be their for. Now that being said, there is always the initial shock and then they go through feelings they have to deal with but if the overall outcome is that he is not there for you through words and actions, then I would ask him to go to marriage counseling. If he doesn’t put the effort in I might start looking at other options. But if you’re not gonna be there for each other, whats left. Rape can make or break a relationship and you can’t help or control how anyone else reacts, only yourself. So stay in counseling even if it’s just for your marriage and take care of yourself, with or without him. Stay strong! Lynn

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  22. Can someone help me, I’m so upset and confused.
    I’m 18 and have been seeing my new boyfriend for a couple of months. He is a bit older than me and I was very wary of this at first but he turned out to be very nice. We lived quite far away from each other but made the effort every weekend to go and see each other and we even met each others friends and family, which to me made it seem more genuine. Then the other night he had smoked weed and I had a bit as well, I wasn’t forced but he did tell me to. We then had sex and it didn’t seem rght for some reason. He was a bit aggressive and forceful. After I decided I wanted to leave and tried to but he wouldnt let me, then he started having sex with me again which was clear to him I didn’t want to. I was even crying while it was happening. Everything I tried wouldn’t stop him. Eventually I had to scream for help at which point he let me go, just because he didn’t want anyone else to know, then made out as if it was all my fault. Is this rape?
    Not only did that in itself make me feel terrible but now I wonder if the whole of that relationship was fake. I don’t understand why someone would make such an effort with me and we got on so well, only to go and do that. Or am I just being a naive little girl?

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    1. L. Your first instincts were right and you should know to always follow them. This is rape and you should get as far away from him as possible. And yes it was a farce with acting like he was into a good relationship. All he was doing was trying to gain your trust so that when he did this he could in fact try and blame you and so you wouldn’t tell on him. Rape is about control and that is exactly what he was doing with all his actions up until the time. In fact you know he had it planned which is why he told you to smoke, so that is something else he would try and hold over you. I bet his wasn’t his first time but at least make it his last time with you. This man is dangerous and doesn’t respect you, it’s about his wants and needs not you. So please either report him or if you don’t want to do that get as far away from him as possible and I would even consider a restraining order on him. I would take a self defense class too and obviously if you feel the need for counseling, please call your local crisis center and or rainn.org to find the nearest counselor to you. Stay strong! lynn

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  23. When I was 17, I had a serious boyfriend. He knew I was a virgin and didn’t want to have all the way sex (I was ok with oral). However, one day we were fooling around and I was blindfolded (hey- it was fun, and I stupidly trusted him) and without asking or warning or anything, he was having sex with me. I’ve always considered this rape- since he knew I didn’t want to have sex and I didn’t give any indication I changed my mind (I realize we were being intimate in other ways, but that doesn’t mean I was leading him on, right?). So, was this rape? This was 9 years ago and it still affects me and I’m not sure how to heal more from it. I never confronted my boyfriend about it. At the time, I was just so upset that I lost my virginity, I didn’t want to lose my boyfriend too (and then have had sex one time with one guy? Somehow that seemed worse to me than breaking up with him…). What do people who have gone through non-violent rape as such do?

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    1. C. Sometimes, a lot of times especially at that age boys will push and push, slowing going after what they want until they get it. This is a very grey area based on the facts you wrote. I understand you feel personally violated based on the fact he violated your trust and then took your virginity when you weren’t ready. I get that and if you said “no” to him and resisted in any way then yes in my own opinion that is rape. If it just started happening and you didn’t resist in anyway then I feel like that was him trying to take it to the next level without asking (happens all the time) to see if you’d go for it. Especially being in other compromising positions. That’s just what they do see how far they can get this time, not saying it’s right by any means buts that’s why the person on the other end needs to speak up then, because they aren’t thinking about the past, they are thinking about how far can I get now. You said you didn’t say anything to him which let him think it was ok. It’s hard at such an impressionable age to stand up for ourselves and do the right thing for us when we know it will hurt, but we must. Obviously this last a long lasting impression on you and I’m guessing you have trust issues because of it. I would definitely seek counseling if this is still affecting you after 9 years, obviously trying to forget about it isn’t working. Stay strong! Lynn

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  24. Five and a half years ago I was raped. I was on a date with this guy who I thought was totally out of my league, I was so excited. He took me out on one date, it went great and then made plans for another date. For the second date he took me to dinner then back to his place for a movie. There was no one at his apartment and I had a bad feeling the moment I walked in but I tried to shake it because this guy was so good looking. During the movie he got up and went into the back of the apartment, called me back there because he had something to show me. I stepped into his room and he started kissing me. At first I welcomed it -he was so good looking- then he started to touch me in places that I didn’t want and taking off my clothes. I kept saying no, and he would back off for a minute and just kiss me, then continue with his agenda. Eventually he stopped listening to me and just shoved me on the bed, covered my mouth and raped me while I cried. After he was done he got up and went into his bathroom. I couldn’t believe what had just happened to me, I just laid there and cried. He came back into the room he laid beside me, held me and “comforted” me. After he was finally done he made me walk home in the rain. I tried to kill myself. I dropped out of school, moved back home, started doing drugs, drinking, (previously I had never even touched a bottle of alcohol or seen any type of drug) going out at all hours of the night and causing my parents extreme heartache. I didn’t tell anyone for two years. My parents didn’t know what was going on with me and sent me away to Texas to live with relatives hoping I would “shape up”. I did, I kept to myself, didn’t make any friends and went to church. I lived with my relatives for ten months -still tormented by this man daily. My life since then has done a yo-yo pattern, “behaving well” and “behaving irrationally”. I finally told my family what happened last year and it seemed to be a relief to them, my parents especially. They finally had answers as to why I was so “crazy”. More than their relief they cried for me, my father wanted to kill this bastard (his words not mine, although I agree). I know that telling my family helped immensely. I still haven’t finished school but I begin again this January. I am in a relationship with an amazing man who doesn’t pressure me in any way, who genuinely cares about me and knows my past and doesn’t try to “fix it”.

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    1. B. Excellent job on your improvement and relationship! It sounds like you are a very strong and strong willed person. That being said, don’t stop now, especially if you feel your emotions are on a roller coaster sometimes. You need to go to a counselor and seek professional help to. You can’t completely do it on your own. But because you are so strong I truly believe in my heart your road to recovery through counseling is going to be a lot quicker than most. That being said the longer you take to get into counseling the longer it takes to heal. And if you do have met the guy for you, don’t you also want to put your best foot forward so God forbid if it doesn’t work, you know that the rape didn’t cause it? You can go to rainn.org and find the nearest counselor to you that specializes in rape or you can call your local crisis center and ask them for info on counseling, they typically work with you on money. Stay strong! Lynn

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  25. I was raped about 3 years ago. I was 17 years old at the time. I was coming home from a party when the cab driver came onto me. He was too big and heavy for me to fight off ( I’m only 5’3). When my parents eventually found out, they told me only stupid girls get raped. Then two years after the first incident- at my college dorm, this guy i was having a fling with barged into my room and demanded sex. I said no cause I hadn’t seen him in months and I just was not interested. He forced himself onto me and inserted his penis into me. I told him no and tried to push him off, eventually I bit him and he moved aside. I curled up into a little ball and he said ” if you dont have sex with me today, you will never have sex with me again.” I just stayed in my curled ball and cried until he left. My current boyfriend knows about both these situations, he is sympathetic but i dont think he understand how severe it is.. for me. Most days i feel find, but other days i feel absolutly broken. What should I do. I get so scared sometimes and so disgusted. I’m so happy but sad to know that I am not alone and maybe one day i’ll meet someone who i can truely express myself to.

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    1. A. I’m sorry your parents reacted the way they did because that hurt you more than it helped, but obviously you know that. I’m sooo glad you have a supportive boyfriend but he can only do so much. And you are right, no one will completely understand unless they’ve been through it or a trained professional. You have to take care of yourself on an emotional level and that means get into counseling. Call your local crisis center, go to a school counselor or my best suggestion is go to rainn.org and find the closest counselor to you. The longer you wait the longer it will take for your to feel healthy and happy again. But do me a favor and tell your boyfriend that you dont expect anything more from him other than support and love. Let him know that you are going to get the professional help you need because you know that he cant help you in that way, or anyone else. That way he stops feeling guilty for not being able to help you in ways that he just doesn’t know how to (this puts a big strain on relationships). But he wont be off the hook for love and support which is all you should expect from him. Then you just do what you need to take care of you. Stay strong! Lynn

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  26. I was raped 5 years ago. There were 3 men. One I was on a date with and we were at his place and he raped me then his roommates came home and they all took turns. At first I fought back and screamed for help but they beat me up so I just laid there until they were done. I have never told anyone this. I am anorexic I try to eat but I just can’t, I don’t know why, I do drugs, I drink every day. I need help.

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    1. H. Understandably so after such a tragic event, I’m so sorry this happened to you, truly. But I’m glad you reached out to me. I sincerely apologize for the delay. You need to get counseling. You can go to rainn.org and find the nearest one near you that specializes in rape. I’m concerned for your health and I want you to want to get out of bed and be able to have a good day without the need for drugs or alcohol (key word here is “need”). I’m sure you want that too! I was in your spot for a while so when I say I know, I know. You can even try a regular physician and ask him to check you out for PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) and either or help with anti-depressants & the anorexic. I would suggest that as well. I know these things may seem difficult but whatever you’ve been doing in the past hasn’t helped, so try this for me, please! I can give you a couple more things you can do at home to help your anxiety but just readin it isn’t gonna help, you have to do it, ok? Yoga is excellent, I have been doing a beginers DVD for years now just for the calming and stretching. You can get a dvd and a mat for under $15 and this will change your life. You do it at home at your own speed until you get it down. It especially helps promote sleep if you do it at night because the breathing calms you. Also, if you have trouble sleeping, stop self medicating via drugs and alcohol and face your feelings and write them out on paper to get them out of your head and give your brain a rest. You don’t have to keep it or you could and take it to your counselor for discussion. It doesn’t matter what you write could be good bad anything whatever is going around in your head. Then after that do your yoga and I bet your quality of sleep really improves. This will help with your anorexic too. Good sleep helps to heal the body if profound ways. Now it won’t cure your anorexia but it helps with all types of anxiety. So it sounds like you really want to help yourself, so take it one step at a time and start thinking about the future you can control and put the past that you can’t control behind you. Think about the life you want, not what you have now or in the past and do something everyday whether small or big to get there. You deserve a good and wonderful life, but you have to work for it. Remember what happened to you doesn’t define you, only the assholes that did this to you “as rapists”. So stop letting them control another day of your life because it’s your life not theirs. Everyday you suffer they are still in control. Stand up today and scream out loud, “You aren’t in control of me anymore” and see how that feels! And then focus on your future! Stay strong! Lynn

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  27. When I was 15 I worked at a donut shop & a man (who I am now guessing at 30 told me he was 19)was insistant at taking me out for a date. I had really no friends and my sisters all had boyfriends… I was very flattered and I finally agreed. I thought we were going out for dinner but told me we were going back to his place first to meet his friends. I was given Vodka and orange juice until I was unable to protect myself…. He started necking with me and his friends just watched & left me alone with him. I now realize he was alot older than me and so were his friends and they just left me to be used. I remember feeling alot of pain and then the phone ringing and buddy asnwered it. I ran to the bathroom and found I had blood all down my legs and was in shock…I was no longer a virgin like I had planned to be until I got married. I was in shock and in emotional turmoil. After 2 months of severe depression I finally told my parents. They just laughed…..not believing me….thought someone just touched my boob. I somehow stopped my period for 2 months and thought I was pregnant… I was told to get it checked out. I ended up going to a clinic by myself and thank god I was not pregnant and had no STD’s. My mom doesn’t remember any of this..except the part about “thinking” I was raped. I never found out that she never believed me until I was in my 30’s..I think I have a very negative view on myself and feel worthless. NOONE BELIEVES WHAT I SaY…NEVER HAVE..(alot to do with my childhood experiences). After that I was in a car accident; some young guy running a red light and who was there to take the impact ;was me, on my way to work. My life has never been the same. Back then it was no fault insurance..I ended up being screwed financially. My lawyer fucked me but thats another story. My boyfriend soon to be fiance and then husband changed his regard for me. I was incompacitated and gained weight. Life was never the same. I guess I should tell you that I was 117lbs when I met him. I was very active; played baseball etc. I was so immobile I gained 50 lbs. I was horrified!!! That was when he started verbally abusing me and mentally making me feel like I was a piece of shit for many years….I’m not going to tell you all the things he did to me. But in the end he hung himself and I found him on the day before my birthday. I have been devestated ever since. I think I will always be alone….I don’t think I deserve much in life and I don’t really know why…….

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    1. C. The first thing you need to do to start turning your life around and believing deep down that you are worthy and do deserve good things in life is to FORGIVE. I don’t mean forgive the man that raped you or your husband for abusing you mentally & verbally, I mean forgive yourself for drinking that night, forgive yourself for gaining weight, forgive the fact that your husband committed suicide and believe it was because of his own demons not yours. I hope you are not walking around with guilt because that if you are that needs to change, today! Don’t let anyone else’s guilt for the type of person they are burden you another day because it is their’s NOT yours. And it doesn’t help because you can’t change it. The only thing you have control over is you and you never asked for any of this to happen to you so just let it go, forgive and put whatever energy you have left into the things you can control and change, because otherwise you will always be stuck with something that is never gonna change. Here is the positive. You are alive, I know you don’t feel like it but YOU ARE! You can get up and do something as simple as appreciate the blue sky or even the winter snow. You have a life. Now how do you want that life to be? I’m assuming not like it has been for all the past years, right? So I want you to do something. The first thing I want you to do is sit down with a piece of paper. I want you to be sitting somewhere you feel comfortable and enjoy. I want you to forget about the past, just for a minute and only think about what you would like in the future. In the middle of the paper draw vertical line down the middle. On the left side I want you to scribble it in with your pen or pencil til it’s black. This represents your past, it’s behind you and we can’t see it & don’t want to look at it. The right side is wide open and your future. On the right side I want you to write 3 things or wishes for your future. It can be anything as small as having a good day or as big as finding genuine love again. Doesn’t matter what it is because anything is possible in your new world. Then without giving any excuses why it can’t happen, write down 1 or 2 things for each wish that you can do today to start to get to your goal. Everyday I want you to right at least 1 thing you can do to reach your goal. It can be as simple as saying I’m gonna take a walk in the park or eat a little less to get the body I want. If you do this exercise you will #1) have positive goals for yourself, #2) if you do at least 1 thing a day for each goal that shows courage, makes you feel more positive and gives you structure. You’ve done something good and positive for yourself and you are not focusing on the past but how to make your future brighter. You are worthy of a good life so don’t let another day pass you by because you can do it and I know you want to because you reached out to me. So please take what I have to say seriously. And I truly think counseling will help you tremendously because you’ve been holding this for years. You can go to rainn.org and find the nearest counselor to you. Stay strong! Lynn

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  28. When I was 8 my step brother started having dry sex with me (untill I was 17). I tried to fight him off me everytime. He would hold me down, cover my mouth and etc. Most nights I could smell the alcohol and weed all over him. Though he never inserted himself into me he would take his penis out and take my cloths off. I feel since he never inserted I’m not a rape victum, and idk what to consider myself. But he steal broke me and took everything from me just like the victums that were inserted. I’m 21 now and I’m still broken and alone.

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    1. K. this is sexual child abuse/assault by molestation, which comes with all the same feelings and baggage as rape. If you haven;t rec’d counseling please do so as soon as possible, it is imperative for you to have a better future and to help you build trusting relationships. this happened for so long and while you were so young and vulnerable that this has affected you in many ways, that you know and in many ways that you don’t even realize yet. So please go to rainn.org and find the nearest counselor to you. Or if you have a local crisis center you can ask them for counseling references. This is very deep rooted in you and it will take a while (won’t be easy) but it will be VERY worth it. You must take care of yourself. I’m so sorry you had to grow up like this but just know you can have a bright future but you will have to work on it with a professional. Also, take a self defense class because this will help regain your sense of security. And I’m sure you do but make sure you stay as far away from your brother as possible. And talk to your counselor on how to handle this info with your family members. Stay strong! Lynn

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  29. thank you so much for putting this website together.
    as i mentioned in my earlier email, my attacker was a dentist.

    i have anxiety that has caused me much problems. (although i am in counseling, it only helps so much.)

    my attacker, used his pharmacy to penetrate me. That, and i know that he has others that he has attacked others.

    although i am getting stronger – i still feel a sence of loss, because i can only prove so much. i never turned him him because of the complications.
    i deal with the guilt everyday – and knowing that there are potential others that are at risk. that and i am in fear that he will know it was me.

    its very complicated.

    but i wanted to thank you so much for this website. it helps!

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  30. I was raped when I was at university by someone who pulled me into a car. I just sat there and waited for it to be over. My boyfriend now doesn’t care to help me much. Everyone or rather most people know about what happen. I feel like killing myself sometimes . I really need help:(

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    1. Philly, I’m so sorry this happened to you but I’m glad you are asking for help. Now go to rainn.org and find the nearest counselor to you, immediately. Or you can go to your local crisis center. Loose the boyfriend too, if he can’t support you with something as serious as this, he’s not gonna be there for you so don’t waste anymore time with him. Take care of yourself and don’t wait another day. Just remember this doesn’t define you, only the person that did this to you as a rapist. If you are having serious thoughts of suicide maybe you can get to a doctor too and ask them if you have PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) and if you are get treatment for it to help you cope. So you have two appts to make, one with your physician and one with a counselor, so help yourself and make those appts. Stay strong! Lynn

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  31. I have recently been made aware that my daughter was gang raped when she was 14 (now 17), while she was in her mothers custody. The frustration and disappointment at not being able to protect my baby from the animalistic evil that occured has me torn between blind homicidal rage against that entire ethnic and culture class on that side of town, and a belief in God that guides me toward forgiveness and prayer for the weak minded, selfish, destructive perpetrators. They are free. And years later, they are still affecting her.

    The RAPISTS were successful in intimidating her, she’d been quiet and has been turning self destructive with drugs as a coping technique. It is my understanding that she SAW one of them recently at school, which I infer was the latest “trigger” to her behavior problems.

    They are still free: she is suffering in the mental prison of their construction. My plea is for guidance in what I can do to help her deal with it.

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    1. H’s Dad, I understand your feelings but the best thing you can do is get her into professional counseling. That being said you can not force her, she must go willingly. If the school has not been made aware I would talk to her about going to school and talking with a guidance counselor. this would help them understand if it is affecting her grades as well as give her somewhere safe to go in case she runs into them again. Personally I would contemplate changing schools if at all possible. So #1 counseling and #2 protection at or from school. Also, see if she will take a self defense class which will help her overall attitude and sense of safety. As far as you are concerned, after my many years of counseling I can assure you that it doesn’t matter where you come from or what race you are it unfortunately is everywhere. It is the sick person inside that makes a rapist and nothing else, so try and overcome placing rape with a certain culture or ethnicity because that is not going to help you or her in the future. And let me just say thank you for supporting her and understanding and trying to help, because it is hard but lets try and do it the right way so it only benefits both of you instead of making things worse. Stay strong! Lynn

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  32. I was placed up for adoption due to my mothers drug addiction and prostiution. The family member that adopted me at that time abuse my youngest sister and I. Then when another family member adopted me I thought I would have a different life but no I was raped from ages 4-15. I did have a chance to reunite with my mother but she was so selfish and tide up in her own life thinking that she was the victim and I just wanted people to feel sorry for me. I do have other siblings that I have had contact with them but they do not understand me no one does they really think I wanna live sad, depressed, not trusting others always with my guard up. Many people said they would help me overcome but they just left me also. I trust no one and believe if I want something I have to make it happen. I wanna change and get my life back because this has totally crippled everything. Please help

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    1. T. First let me say that I am so very sorry that you were subject to such horrible abuse and I believe you and that you don’t want your life to be this way. You show such strength to come here and share your story but more importantly that you know you need to take care of yourself. I want you to go to rainn.org right now and look up the closest counselor to you that specializes in rape. If there is no one close to you I want you to find the nearest crisis center and call them or go to them and ask them for help. They can refer you to someone if they can’t help you right there, which most can. Whatever you do don’t give up on yourself because you are worth it and one strong individual. Believe in yourself as I do and get the proper professional help you need YOU ARE WORTH IT! Stay strong! Lynn

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  33. hi, im a victim of anumber of rapes the first happened wen i was 6 dnt remember much as i’m 25 now but i kw it happend and since that age i’ve kept that from my parents they would be crushed. i’m stil haunted by it a lot more now that i let it happen mo than once. the 2nd one was wen i was 20 it was a close frend and he waited to et me get drunk and took advantage of me even wen i had asked to go home that nite, no one believed and i let it go and instead blamed myself that i shouldn’t have been drinking. it was my first time to have alcohol and had no idea that’s how bad it would make me. i remember asking for water before i called a cab to go home next thing he came into my cab n told the driver to take us to his place wen i disputed he told the driver that i was drunk he shouldn’t listne to me. i don’t whether it was the alcohol or he did drug me bcoz for two days after that i threw up and ddnt leave my bed till my parents returned from the holiday and took me 2 a doctor he didn’t say much to me i was still a bit out of it. after that i moved from home and had a a boyfrend rape me i had never had sex with him but he forced it and that became a pattern with most of my boyfriends. only now did i realise i had a problem, mostly because i have found a wonderful person who understands and realises that i have a problem, i’ve never seeked or recieved any help for this and i think the way i am because of it will make me ruin e only real and healthy relationship i’ve ever had. im paranoid, im not insecure, but i’m so accepting of things i shouldn’t be.. please give me some kind of advice before it destroys me coz lately all these things have bothered me intensly, and i don’t anyone i can talk to a trust with this…

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    1. V. First let me start by saying that you need to change your way of thinking that you deserved it because you were drinking.. Seriously by you saying that then you are basically saying that every person that drinks deserves to be raped and I know you truly don’t believe that, so stop thinking about yourself that way. Let me explain that rape is about “control”, not you but control. And basically what you have told me through your experiences shows that all these people wanted to control you and what they did to you. Once they know they have control and you don’t tell anyone then they know for a fact they have the control they want and it is almost for sure going to happen again if they have the opportunity. You even stated you are so accepting of things, that is what you need to change. Don’t get me wrong it is not your fault because you didn’t know how to deal and didn’t want to admit to anyone this happened to you, I get it. But now you MUST make the change within yourself to NOT be accepting and stand up for yourself. Do not be ashamed about what happened to you (no matter what anyone says or thinks) because this doesn’t define you it only defines the perverts that raped you. You need to get professional counseling, immediately. this is so deeply rooted that you need a lot of therapy. It won’t be easy but I can promise it’s worth it AND easier than what you’ve been through. With the right counselor you will find someone you can trust and confide in and that is on your side. They will support you and help you get through this. I can also promise you if you don’t it will only get worse and you probably will loose your new found relationship because you don’t know how to deal. Again don’t take that the wrong way because none of us are put on earth hardwired to deal with rape. Only people that have been through it or professional therapists/counselors can help. So go to rainn.org and find the nearest counselor to you or even try your local crisis center who can either help or refer you to someone that can. You took the first step by coming here so don’t stop now because YOU ARE WORTH IT! Stay strong! Lynn

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  34. hi. i was raped 4 days ago. i was at a friends house, she had a dinner party, i drank too much and blacked out. when i came to one of the guys from earlier was on top of me. i told him to stop, i told him i had a boyfriend and he continued doing what he was doing and saying vulgar things and i couldn’t fight him off i have no idea what happened before i came to and i am desperately trying to convince that no matter what happened it wasn’t my fault. i had horrific bruising on my throat that i believe were hickies but i also had bruising on my arms and legs from trying to get him away. i am terrified to tell my boyfriend. he’s an amazing guy but as you mention in other posts, you just don’t know how people are going to react. in addition to the fear of his reaction, i am dealing with the fear of other things such as stds and pregnancy. i haven’t gone to the doctor.

    i keep telling myself if only i hadn’t had those drinks … if only. i can’t get past it. i’ve never felt so low in my life. one minute i am fine and the next minute i am sobbing my eyes out.

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    1. X. First know that it is in fact rape if you aren’t coherent to give permission. And this person obviously took advantage of you and your “out of it state”, so try your best to not let this define you but the asshole that did this to you. Thye want us to beat ourselves up and think it’s our fault because we drank too much which is why they prey on us then because that is their “out” so to speak to put the blame on us. Rape is about control not you and they want to control us by saying we wanted it or it didn’t say no or whatever. So you can’t let these feelings control you or he still wins. Take those feelings and put them on him in your mind and mentally beat him up (obviously I’m not saying do it literally because you need to stay as far away as you can). I’m just saying all those bad feelings belong being focused at him not you. Call your local crisis center or even contact rainn.org to find a counselor nearest you but just get into counseling and talk to them about how to deal with the rape and even your boyfriend. If you really love your boyfriend you will need to tell him at some point but only when you are mentally ready to deal with whatever reaction occurs. Just remember people that haven’t been through it don’t understand BUT hopefully they will support you and try to understand what you need. A lot of people don’t know how to deal and think about how it affects them more than what you are going through and this is common, it doesn’t make them bad, they just are hurt and don’t know how to act. And you need to always put yourself first and them second. Remember that. That’s why you need counseling pronto because when you can get your head wrapped around it mentally then you can deal with others better. Stay strong! Lynn

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  35. Hi, Thank you so much for being there for all these people! Thankfully what I have experienced is nothing compared to what people are facing today. From the time was was around 11 I was constantly taken advantaged of by older men up untill the age of 17. The first time I had sex I was 16 I was taken into the forest by one of my friends who was ment to take me home and when I realized the situation I was in I didn’t fight back because I knew there was no way out. Thankfully because of my reaction I came out of that situation with out getting hurt or killed. I’m thankful for the support I had and I’m studying to do trauma counseling so I can support others.

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  36. My story is rather different than the other amazing strong people on this website, but maybe if I share mine it will help me to cope. When I was 15 I was forced into a situation with someone who i had thought was my bestfriend. Every weekend when I babysat at my neighbors she would come over and we would hang out as usual, but one night everything changed when she said she was a lesbian and that she was in love with me. I told her that I did not have the same feeling and right in front of me she began to start popping multiple prescription pills and said she was going to kill me & then herself unless I agreed to do what she said. A few minutes later she raped me. My body completely shut down I didn’t fight, i didn’t blink, I just felt dead. This continued to happen almost every weekend for 3 months. I don’t know why I didn’t tell anyone. I don’t know if it was because I convinced myself it didn’t happen, or the fact she was my best and only friend, or the fact that I didn’t want anyone to think I was a lesbian. The main reason I think I didn’t say anything was because I come from a very strict christian home and my parents had told me they didn’t like me hanging out with her since she was 4 years older than me and I thought they would blame the whole thing on me & force me out of the activities that I was in as a punishment. Anyways, after she raped continuosly for 3 months straight, abused me physically in public, and emotionally tortured me, I decided to tell a member of the performing group I was in who came to be one of my very close friends I also told the director of the group. I did this because she was once I member of the group and came back every once and a while to see how the group was going. I couldn’t take her being around, I considered suicide. I don’t know if they overheard me talking or if someone said something but eventually the entire group found out what had happened to me. At first they were very supportive, but after a week or so it’s like they forgot all about it. I had no one to turn to. I hated the way I looked because everytime I look in the mirror all I see is her and not me. I became bulimic. i didn’t want to be that person that was victimized I didn’t want to feel the pain. I convinced myself it never happened. I never saw her, so it worked…for a while. 2 years after the incident (earliar this year) I kept getting horrible nightmares of her raping me. Everything in my daily life would remind me of her. I cried for days straight. Finally I told my dad. He sat and cried with me for a little bit, offered to call the cops. But it was too late, plus I don’t have any evidence. The next day I woke up and it was like I never told me dad, I sit in my room in tears sometimes and he yells at me to stop crying and asks whats wrong even though he already knows. I’m not sure if he just is trying to forget the event like i tried to. i don’t know. But my friends are hanging out with her again like nothing ever happened and I keep seeing her places. I can’t take it. I know that I am 18 now and I should be able to leave what happened in the past, but the nightmares, and seeing her, and just looking in the mirror all remind me of the horror. I will be having a great day and the just hear her name and get completley sick and start to cry. I don’t want to live this way, I feel like I can’t trust anybody. But I don’t know what to do. My mom still doesnt know because I don’t think she could handle it and I don’t want to hurt her. I also blame myself because the girl who did this is about to graduate with a teaching degree. what if she does this to other little kids? i feel like it would be my fault for not reporting her..I just want my life back..

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    1. C. First let me expalin that rape is about control and I believe that is why you let her do it to you for 3 months. You said you don’t know why you went back, well probably because she said she would kill you and herself. That is enough to scare anyone into doing something. In your subconscious you thought the rape is better than anyone dying, don’t you think? So stop blaming yourself because as you said you were being emotionally tortured, it’s not your fault and you didn’t do anything wrong. There is no question in my mind that you need to get professional counseling like yesterday. Call your local crisis center or go to rainn.org and they can tell you a specialist that is nearest you that deals with rape and work with you on the fees. Your dad doesn’t want to beleive it, nor do your friends so they just block it out thinking if they don’t bring it up it won’t bother you. Unfortunately, we can’t do this and they don’t realize it hurts us even more. That’s why you need the support of someone that does understand, a counselor/therapist. Trust me this will haunt you like a shadow for the rest of your life if you don’t so it’s up to you. It’s not easy but when you finally open up to someone that sympythises and supports you and helps you get back on track you will start to regain the life back that you need and deserve. Stay strong! Lynn

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  37. I was raped yesterday, it’s hard to explain and it’s just my word against his.
    His parents went away and he was meant to be a friend, I’d spoke to him for a good year or so and went to school with his brother.
    I liked him and he seemed like a decent guy and we were just cuddling and when I started to fall to sleep he started kissing me and I told him no and every time he tried to put his hands on me I pushed him off, then he grabbed my hands and pinned me down. I was telling him to stop it and no and that he was really hurting me. Then I just switched off, I couldn’t fight back I was scared and I had lied about where I was and I didn’t know what could happen.
    I can’t tell anyone, I’m ashamed. I can’t get the guts to be told by people I’m lying. It’s something that will destroy me inside for a long time and I won’t be able to cope with but there isn’t anything I can do.
    But I was so scared, so scared and the worst thing is I’ll still see him around all the time when I’m with some friends or at a party and I’m just going to have to stand there and know what he did and know he knows and thinks it’s fine.

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    1. N. I know you think that is difficult but let me tell you what most likely will happen which will be much more difficult. You need to understand rape is about control not you. So the fact that you aren’t going to tell anyone because you will fell judged or not understood is exactly what he expects you to do AND will prove to him that he is on control. Then once he knows that you won’t tell and realizes he is in control AND will still see you means in his mind that he can do it again and when he wants because he knows you are to scared to tell. That is exactly how people get raped repeatedly by the same person that they most likely know. So YOU CAN”T fall into this trap. You are the only one that can stop him and you MUST take care of yourself. Not telling anyone isn’t taking care of yourself it is letting him be in control. Do you understand? If you are in school and can’t tell your parents tell a guidance counselor. Call your local crisis center AND PLEASE don’t wash your clothes that you had on. There can be so many different things they can trace even if you took a shower. Even if you don’t want to tell the police keep the clothes in a bag hidden in case you change your mind. I can almost promise you this isn’t the first time he has done this. So what if you do tell and you find out he has done this before to others, then people would believe you. But it really isn’t about who believes you or not, it’s about taking care of yourself so this doesn’t happen again and making sure he knows he is not in control of you and that he can’t get away with this. PLEASE tell someone that can help. Stay strong! Lynn

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  38. I was raped when I was 14, 6 years ago, by my stepbrother. He moved away, and I didn’t tell anyone about it until a year after the fact. After a few years, I thought I had dealt with it, then we moved (last year) and now I get nightmares every night, debilitating anxiety, and flash backs. I want to go to the cops and make him pay for what he’s done but, if I do that, I put my mom and my stepfather’s marriage in jeopardy. They just bought a house. I don’t want to ruin their marriage.

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    1. J. I am more concerned with your life and the life ahead of you than I am their marriage. I’m not saying it isn’t important by any means. But what I am saying is that if your step father really loves your mom then it won’t ruin their marriage. That being said because it was so long ago unless you have any evidence you will need to make sure the person you told would be willing to testify because it is basically your word against his. I’m just being brutally honest. Because you were a minor it should they should give the case the respect it deserves, but they can’t do anything really without evidence. Not trying to deter you from speaking up because you probably weren’t the first or the last, to be honest. But if you have 2 people to testify then it makes your fight a little more substancial. At the very least what ever you do, get some counseling, especially if you are having flashbacks and nightmares. Every rape victim needs professional help, so get it because you and your future are worth it. Stay strong! Lynn

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  39. I’m 15 years old and was raped almost 5 months ago. (When I was 14). *I’m going to use all fake names* I was with Brandon and Holly, Adam, and Penelope one day and we went to the beach. My friends knew who Brandon was because he threw a lot of parties at his house, but I never met him before that day. And when we went to the beach Brandon gave me these anti-anxiety pills called Lorazepam and I didn’t really feel anything from them. Then me and Penelope went to the people she babysits for house because she had to babysit. And I was looking through their medicine cabinet when i found the same pills so I took a few more. Then after we were done babysitting we had a plan to have a bonfire at my house. Danny who was this guy I liked, who’s now my boyfriend picked me up from her house so we could go get a pack of smokes and I wanted to talk to him because I liked him. So me and Danny ended up doing that then went to my house and I started drinking some alcohol I had then Penelope came over and she invited Brandon from earlier over and he brought some friends and we started drinking more because he brought a bottle. And I kept going up to my room with Danny so I could talk to him and shit. But the Brandon kept getting mad because I was suppose to host the party. And right when they wanted to leave Danny had to leave. So I decided I was going to go with to the party at Brandon’s, but before we left I had to go inside and get my phone and Brandon followed me and tried to kiss me and I pushed him off and he left me alone. Then I had to sit on his lap in the car. And that’s when I started blacking out because of the mixture of the alcohol and the pills. When we got to his house I remember asking him if i could lay down because I didn’t feel good so he took me in his room and I remember him pushing me down on this couch thing and stripping my cloths off and I tried fighting him but I remembered from people telling me earlier that he was crazy and he would hit me back if i hit him, also that someone told me he had a gun, or he said he had a gun I can’t really remember that part all I know is that I felt threatened, and when I tried to scream for help no one heard me because the music was too loud and he screamed at me to stfu. So I got even more scared. And then he held me down and raped me. And I was crying and started to puke all over myself and the floor and on him. And I remember asking for Penelope because i wanted to go home but he told me not to leave his room or else everyone would make fun of me. Call me a whore and stuff. Then after that I blanked out again. But my friends who were at the party filled me in. They said I came out of the room collapsed on Holly started crying telling her i was raped. And then Adam took me outside because I had to puke again. And another friend of mine Tyler brought me home and on the way home I had to puke again so they stopped the car and Adam had to carry me down the road. Then we finally got to my house and they took me to my room and I was crying asking for Danny. But then my Dad came home and everyone told him the reason I was crying was because my boyfriend broke up with me or something then the cops showed up at my house because my friend Nathan called the cops for me and my dad found out what really happened. I had to take a breathalizer and sit in the back of a squad car until I calmed down then my friend Leah came over and stayed with me when I had to go to the hospital. After that everything calmed down. I got home and Danny came over and comforted me and we started dating and we’re still together now. Brandon is in jail and is facing two 10 year prison sentences because I found out he raped a 16 year old girl before me. By the way Brandon is 19 years old. Everything is getting better. But I can’t really handle it anymore I keep having crying spells, and my parents and friends act different with me. I get night terrors and am Belimic. I can’t sleep and I have flash backs all the time. I talk to a counselor and take anti-depressents but nothing seems to help. I still feel worthless and disgusting. I feel like i could have prevented all of this. And I just don’t know where to look for help anymore.

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    1. M. It is a process and it sounds like you are doing all the right things. Don’t stop seeing the counselor even though you don’t think it’s helping. If you don’t like your counselor maybe you can switch. Have you tried group counseling? Everyone cringes when I suggest that but everyone that goes says they wish they would have went sooner. You bond with others that have been through what you have and you will make friends for life. You won’t feel so alone and you won’t feel like you are going crazy with emotions that no one else understands. It is well worth it just to be able to have others truly say, “I know how you feel”. I was in counseling for an entire year before I stopped and I now know that I wouldn’t be here doing what I’m doing with out it. As far as your night terrors, try writing out your thoughts before bed. Doesn’t matter what they are just get everything out of your head and onto paper. If you do this every night it will help improve your sleep. If you wake up in the middle of the night scared, write out your thoughts then too and you can even discuss these with your counselor. Once you are done getting everything out of your head try some relaxing yoga which will also help improve your sleep. Lastly, try not to worry too much about the past because it can’t be changed. Try and stay focused on your future what you do have control over. You might want to think about taking a self defense class to help with your sense of security and confidence level. Hope this helps. Stay strong! Lynn

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  40. I was raped when I was 15 in my church by my mentor’s husbands friend. I felt so special and wanted after months of trying to be strong for myself. I came from a really broken home with years of abuse. I wanted to be strong,everyone I trusted seemed distant and He wanted to help me. He was told to stay away but he didn’t. I was told too when he began trying to flirt with me. I thought I could handle him after all we were friends. He led me away to a room for privacy. I knew deep down that he wanted me. When no one else seemed too. It was nothing I expected because I didn’t do much just let him do what he wanted. I shut myself down to him. I just felt so alone and depressed. That I didn’t care. I waited for him to be done like every other guy. Yes I have just let older guys use me. That’s the way things were most my life, being used one way or another. Its all I knew. There were 7 and 12 by age 16. I felt so low even after. I was lost. I did pretend to be someone I wasn’t a lot because I neeeded to feel something else.I wanted to be anyonebut myself, because me wasn’t good enough.

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    1. C. Well I hope by you coming here you are acknowledging that you need help to deal with all that has happened to you. More importantly I want you to know that YOU ARE WORTH IT AND A HAPPY LIFE! So your first step is to call your local crisis center or go to rainn.org and find the nearest counselor that specializes in what you have been through. Just get into counseling as soon as possible. If you don’t think you can afford it there are options just ask and they are willing to help. Stay strong! Lynn

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  41. When I was 6, my parents sent me to counseling, I guess because they wanted me to be more smart when I entered school… not sure about that. The counselor, who happens to be my first degree cousin, liked to play with me, he touched me well he was/is a child abuser. At the time I didn´t know what it was, I just didn´t like him doing that, but had no way of stoping him. Years later, I learned about what it was but it didn´t do any good telling anybody about it, nobody did anything, they just told me to stay away from him. I was 12. The second time was when I was 19, my best friend and boyfriend raped me, I tryed to fight him and told him to stop, but it hurt so much I fainted. when I woke up, he had already finished and was watching TV. I don´t know if I had any injuries other then a few bruises in my arms… I just couldn´t walk or sit. He told me it was normal for the first time (I didn´t tell anybody about that one). Now years later, I am 34. 2 months ago, I went on a trip to a festival with a few friends, although they wanted me to drink, I didn´t, at all… but when we got back to the place where we were staying for the night, one of them put something on the tea I drank. I don´t remember anything after puting in my pajamas until the next morning when I found my hips and all the area between my legs hurt, it hurt to sit, my pajama was backwards and I had a bruise on my breast. Right then, I gather my things and traveled back home. I know I should be thankful I don´t remember what happened, but I also feel so stupid I didn´t wake up, nor confront whoever of them did this. The trauma of what happened at the age of 6 is pretty much gone now, I still have flashes of what happened when I was 19 everytime I have sex so I basically don´t do it and I´m not sure how to deal with this last one or how to heal

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    1. S. You must seek professional counseling. These feelings are so deep rooted that this is the ONLY way for you to help yourself. You have no idea how this will impact your future and the longer you wait the longer it will take to heal and trust me will affect all aspects of your life. You can tell by going through the post that no one can forget and it doesn’t go away. As lucky as you are that you don’t remember it still haunts you believe me. By going to a counselor they will help you deal with all 3 times. It won’t be overnight and it won’t be easy BUT it will be easier than you keeping this inside forever and not getting the help you deserve. You might even want to try group counseling. The only people that really understand and can be truly empathetic, are other rape survivors and/or professionals that have the mental training. I can promise you will befriend someone at group that will be a friend forever and you won’t feel so alone. You need someone there that will be there for you 24/7 even if it is just a good friend that can at the very least offer you a shoulder to cry on and the support you need. But friends/family can truly only offer support, they really don’t know what to do that will help the healing process. Just know none of this was your fault and you are not alone even though I know it feels like it you’re not. If this was your friend or daughter you would want them to get the help they need so don’t short yourself. In the meantime of getting a counselor write out your feelings and anything that triggers them so you can talk to the counselor about it. If you do it before bedtime it is a mental release to help you sleep better. Stay as far away as you can from your so called friends because the fact that you didn’t turn them in (I understand) I don’t want them to think they have control and try it again, which is common with people that you know that do these types of things. Try some yoga, a self defense class maybe get a big dog to help you feel protected. Animals also are great for comforting. But whatever you do don’t keep this locked up and know that not all people are bad. Stay strong! Lynn

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  42. been crying non stop. I just don’t know how to handle this. I’m depressed. I feel guilty of the fact that I shoulda tried harder to stop him. I wanna be left alone then again I just need someone here to comfort me. more importantly I want my boyfriend to confort me & be supportive. I haven’t been able to sleep at all. the good thing about it all is that he did admit to the detective that he raped me. so he’s gonna be charged with several accounts. one for oral. the other for penetrating. the other for help hostage cus he wouldn’t let me leave his room. and the other for pitting his fingers in my vagina. I’m heartbroken & devastated. he made me have trust issues cus he was my best friend almost a brother to me. I just wished he woulda apologized & ment it. but I’m having such a hard time dealing with this.

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    1. K even if he would of apologized and meant it it won’t change the trauma of how you feel and what he put you through. You need to let go of the guilty feelings that you should have tried harder because you did nothing wrong, no matter what you think or anyone else thinks. All you did was trust a guy that you thought was your best friend and that IS NOT wrong! I know it is hard but you are not alone even though it feels like it. I’m not sure if you have told your boyfriend or not but he doesn’t need to know the details. The less he knows the better for you. All he needs to know is that you were raped and need his support. That being said he might feel like he doesn’t know what to do and become distant. You need to let him know all you need from him is a should to cry on, a hug when you need it and to have patience with you and for you to feel safe. Let him know there is a healing process that you will go through but that is all you expect from him. Hopefully once he realizes that is all you want from him he will be there for you. Sometimes they do act in ways you would least expect so just know there is nothing you can do to change that other than ask. That being said you need to get the help you need through professional counseling. If the police didn’t give you info (they should have) then you can call your local crisis center or go to rainn.org and try and find the nearest counselor to you. Also if you let your boyfriend no you are going to counseling it will take some of the pressure off him. Not that I’m worried about him but I know you are and you need someone there. Also, if you have a friend that you can confide in that won’t be judgmental and be there for you 24/7, that would be good too. Just make sure you get the professional help you need because the longer you wait the longer the healing takes. Stay strong and know THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT! Lynn

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  43. I was raped twice and both times they were by my boyfriends. The first time, he wanted to have sex and I kept saying no but he wouldn’t stop. He held me down and I fought but my body just shut down and just layed there until he was finished. I never told anyone at that time as we had consenual sex before I figured noone would believe me. The second time, I was in the process of breaking up with my boyfriend as he had a tendancy to be violent and he also used drugs. When I told him that I was leaving him, he hit me and and threw me down and stated that I was never ging to leave him as he loved me. I fought him and the more I fought, the more violent he became. I have been suffering from nightmares, eating disorders and anxiety attacks. I have met this nice guy and all I seem to do is push him away. When I try to have sex with him I continuously have flashbacks. I need help.

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    1. K. Let me explain that rape is about control so it is very common in rape that the person you trust thinks that they can control you and they don’t associate it as rape but instead they have “the right” because you are theirs. Which is obviously wrong because no one owns someone else, even in marriage. You can commit but no one owns the other. This is what happened to you when you were raped. That being said, most guys don’t think or act this way, you just happened to get involved with 2 that do. I’m very sorry you had to go through that. It will definitely cause you trust issues, understandably so. But as I said not all guys are like that and you can’t blame every guy for the actions of others. What you can do is trust your instinct. And know that is different than your fears. The best thing to do is tell him the truth especially if you are thinking of having sex with him. All rape victims should tell the person they are thinking about having sexual relations with about the fact that they were raped. Not the details just that they are rape survivors. This will weed out the guys that can handle it and really care about you as a person and the ones that don’t.I know this sounds crazy but trust me you would rather know about the person that can’t handle it before you give yourself to them. It hurts a lot worse after the fact if they don’t stick around. Then if you are honest and they are ok the connection is a lot deeper for both of you. But you still need to get your own help through counseling because no one can truly help your feelings of distrust than a professional. And I would also recommend taking a self defense class for your own protection and sense of security. That way you know what to do 24/7 no matter where you are and who is around. Stay strong! Lynn

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  44. I was raped a year ago & then again by the same person about 8 months ago. I keep having night mares about it & I’m very stressed. I’m depressed & I have major trust issues. I can’t even have sex with my current boyfriend without thinking about or picturing what happened. I blame myself for both times because I walked with him to the spot I was raped. I feel like I could have done more to stop it. The first time it happened I don’t know why but I didn’t do anything to stop it. I just layed there until he was done. The second time I said no & he didn’t listen. He did it anyways. Before the rape if we fought he would always shove me around saying I was ugly or worthless etc. If he did that when we argued I was scared of what he would do if I had said no to sex either time. I had never had sex before so he took my virginity, he took my first time. I cry myself to sleep everynight. Sometimes I just sit in my room & cry. I feel bad I have to keep telling my current boyfriend to stop, considering it’s been over a year for the first time, & over 8 months for the second time. I feel like I’m going to lose him if this all doesn’t go away, even though he says I won’t. I’m 16 but I feel like I’ve had to grow up way to fast. He took so much from me! I never told anyone what happened either time except my current boyfriend of over a year. He told me it wouldn’t happen again but I’m still scared it will. I don’t know what to do anymor? I’ve started cutting myself & I’ve become belemic. I’ve even tryed to commit suicide before. I want to be happy again but I don’t know how? I feel like I’m never going to be myself again, EVER!!! I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO??

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    1. K. The first thing I think would help you tremendously is put yourself first. You have got to get your head straight before you can even think of having sex again. But if you’ve been having sex with your current boyfriend for a year now (not sure) then I understand it would be difficult to stop. I’m just so concerned about you and I don’t feel you should be having sex at all since you’ve been raped twice and the verbal abuse as well. I see a path a lot when girls are stripped of their virginity or raped. They fall into a pattern of thinking they are only worthy if they have sex. When all it really does is mess with your brain and if could negatively affect your future relationships, no matter how good they are. You need professional counseling. The only people that truly understand and you will be able to relate to is other survivors and/or professional counselors/therapists. You can call your local crisis center or even ask a guidance counselor at school. Or you can go to rainn.org and look for the nearest counselor to you. Just focus on you and take care of yourself and then everything with everyone else will fall into place. You might want to look into self defense classes so you won’t feel so defenseless. It will help with your sense of security and your confidence. If you ever get seriously anxious like hurting yourself, write it out on paper. You don’t have to keep it but just get all those thoughts out of your head. This is a mental release and also helps you sleep if you do it in the evening/ If you can do it every night, whether they are good or bad thoughts, doesn’t matter, just get it out of your head onto paper. Also try some yoga in the morning and/or the evening. I do it for 20 mins at home in my living room by watching a $5 DVD. I even have free channels on TV. Also make sure you aren’t anywhere near this guy, especially if you aren’t turning him because rape is about control and when they get away with it they feel like they are still in control and might try again. That being said there is no way he will do it again if you make sure you stay far away. If he still is around then make sure you take those sefl defense classes. Stay strong and get counseling! Lynn

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  45. When I was little I was constantly raped and molested by my cousin. It happened for over a year. He convinced me it was a game and that it was fun, but I had to keep it a secret. No one ever gave me the sex talk, so when I learned about it in a sex ed class I fell into a deep depression.

    I didn’t tell anyone. I felt disgusted, horrible, slutty, and I just wanted to pretend it never happened. Of course, it didn’t help my situation at all.
    I kept it in for almost seven years. During this time, I was sexually assaulted again, bullied, abused, and became anti-social. I didn’t have friends for a long time, or at least I didn’t think so. It turns out I did, but I was so depressed I couldn’t think straight. I also kept attending family gatherings and even having dinner with my cousin.

    In high school, I decided I couldn’t keep living like this. No one knew about what I had been dealing with my entire life. I started telling people about it. Actually, the first person I told was a friend’s boyfriend, whom I had been working with. He told me that I shouldn’t hold it inside and that it wasn’t my fault. After that, I started telling more people. Of course, I only told friends. Eventually, I told my sister. In fact, we had a long talk about our lives, and I learned a lot about my sister I never knew.

    Unfortunately, I don’t think it will be possible that I can ever tell my mother. First off, it would place a huge burden on her that she doesn’t deserve. And in a way, I am absolutely terrified. My mother is a single mom, and as thus she has a lot of stress placed on her. It doesn’t help that she has to deal with a schizophrenic son, the death of her husband, and a huge anger problem. I love her, and she did her best as a mother; unfortunately, there were times she emotionally, verbally, and physically abused me and my sister, especially when we were younger. The point is that in my gut I feel her response would be to call me a whore.

    Alright, here is the main point. I need advice. I am currently dating a guy, which is a pretty big deal for me, since I used to have an irrational fear of men. We’ve been dating for a while, and I love him, but I find myself at a dead end. I feel like I am not fully in the relationship like I am still holding back. I feel like I am forcing some of the feelings.

    I want to tell him about all the things I went through, and that I still am sad. I’ve learned how to cover up my sad feelings so well that I am having trouble speaking my true feelings. I find myself afraid to tell him. I feel like I will just burden him with this.
    Its a bit weird. I thought I had gotten pass the sad feelings and guilt. I am starting to feel dirty again.

    There is another thing I want to talk about. My aunt, mother of the cousin who did it, adopted a six-year-old girl. I am so scared that he’ll do the same thing to her that I have nightmares about it.
    What should I do about it? I can’t tell my aunt because she didn’t even believe me when I told her that her son was beating me. I can’t tell my mom because I literally freeze up.

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    1. LM First you definitely need to tell your Aunt because you will only blame yourself if it happens to this little girl and that is the last thing you want to happen. If you tell your Aunt, whether she believes you or not it is off your shoulders and in her hands. And honestly even if she doesn’t believe you , you will plant that info in her head and she think about it and be more protective of her which she absolutely needs to do. Make sure you tell her what he said to you when you were young and naive in case he tries to play that same card with his younger sister. That way she can be warned and know not to do what he says (if he does). Now to your boyfriend, you must tell him especially if you are planning on having sex with him and preferably before you have sex. You do not need to go into the details and you do not need to answer questions, just the basics that you are a survivor of child molestation. The reason you need to tell him is because some people can handle it and some can’t. If he can’t you need to know before you become romantically involved. And if he can then you know he will give you the support you will need and be empathetic to your situation when feelings arise. Also once you tell him those feelings of disgust will leave because you are now separating what happened to you when you were a child compared to a healthy relationship with him. Just truly believe deep in your heart that what happened doesn’t define you and you did nothing wrong. Once you do that you will be able to move forward and leave the past behind. Stay strong! Lynn

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  46. When I was 13, I had never had a boy pay attention to me, and a lot of the time I was called ugly because I had tomboy clothes and preferred to play soccer with guys than with girls. I went to a concert with my parents and found my friends instead, and hung out with them. There was a boy who I had never met before who acted very sweet to me. I thought he was cute and he asked me for my number. He texted me the next day asking to hang out and so I did. I knew it was wrong but I lied to my mom about where I was and spent the day with him around the city. We were in one of his friend’s cars and he started playing the game Nervous with me, where I was asked if I was nervous as he put his hand on my thigh. I was nervous but felt like I was supposed to prove that I wasn’t. He kissed me once and ended up putting his hand in my underwear. Later that night, we ended up at the park, where he said now you have to please me. He took me to the bathroom and said ‘Do you want to?’ I had no idea what he was talking about so I didn’t say anything. He pulled my pants down, and I said ‘I think I want to go home.’ He kissed me and said ‘You know you want to.’ I said ‘I don’t know.’ He kissed me again and entered me. I didn’t see him again till a couple years later when it turned out my friends were friends with his friends. I became defensive immediately, but didn’t let it on that I felt that way. One of my friends played a game where they stole his lighter and passed it to me. He came over to me and said ‘Give it back’ with a smile on his face. I said no. He put his hand on my chin and I immediately slapped him very hard across the face. I didn’t think about it, it was just an immediate reaction. He became very angry and began kicking things around the park. I went to apologize and he put his hands on my shoulders and said ‘I broke you. You can’t embarrass me like that.’ He kissed me again.

    I always thought rape was violent or involved definitive statements of no. In my every day life, I never remember the actual sexual act because I tried to think of other things at the time. I feel as if it was my fault because I knew I didn’t want to be there and I should have said something. I feel like I may have led him on and I don’t want to call him a rapist. At the same time, every time I really think about it, I remember pain and tears. I hate him.

    I’m sorry for the detail, but this seems like a safe space to let it out. I told the love of my life about it after we started dating, as i needed to explain why I felt defensive or suspicious in situations where I wasn’t fully in control. It upsets him for me to talk about it, but he is still the one who encourages me to talk about it. He thinks I blame myself, and that hurts him. But I don’t know, I don’t know if I am justified in feeling like this and that is the honest truth that makes me worried about how I really feel.

    Thank you.

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    1. L. You have every right to feel confused. The one thing I know for sure is that this guy took advantage a you when you were young and vulnerable. You feel this way because at the time you didn’t take control like now you wished you would have. It happened at a very impressionable age which is why you are still tortured by the feelings because you wished you’d have done something different. You have to do your best to look forward and not wallow in the past because unfortunately the past can not be changed. Just learn from it, know yourself now and what you don’t want and what you do want and use that to be strong for your future. Your boyfriend is right to get you to talk about it BUT you don’t necessarily need to talk to him about it. I would look to a counselor because there you can go into the details of everything you feel without worrying about judgement or how it will effect your relationship. Not saying your boyfriend would judge just saying you can be completely honest without your honestly going anywhere outside the room and you worried about how people will feel about it. Stay strong! Lynn

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  47. Where to start… I was in an abusive relationship when I was in my early 20’s. He was very controlling/dominating/paranoid/occasionally violent and was verbally and emotionally abusive, he also used to self-harm in front of me. I left him after 3 years, spend another 3 years learning to trust my judgement and other people. I got there in the end and met a lovely man who wasn’t a bit like my ex.

    A few days ago a book I was reading triggered off a memory that I’ve pushed aside for nearly 20 years. My ex used to hit me and scream and shout in my face until I was a crying wreck on the floor. I remember trying to shut him out mentally and sometimes I could. I could still hear him but I could detach a little to keep my mind together. After this he would either start kissing me and instigate sex wherever we were or would lead me upstairs to the bedroom. I have no idea if I actually consented to the sex. I just remember lying there crying wondering how he could be doing that to me. I was so scared that I don’t think that ‘no’ ever would have been an option. He would have either hit me or shouted at me until I gave in. Is this rape or something else?

    I remember this happening twice, it probably happened more times but I can’t remember. Hopefully those memories will stay buried. Since remembering I’m having problems sleeping and eating, I don’t want to be touched even by my children. I’m snappy and crying and I don’t seem to be coping. I can maybe last half a day before I feel myself falling apart. I’m trying to stay strong and positive – I did get out the relationship, I learned how to recognise men like that. It’s like a wall keeps crashing down on me. My present partner listened but I don’t really think he believed me or didn’t think it was that serious (did you say no or fight? hmmm, are you sure it was rape?).

    The emotions I’m feeling are so intense, is that right after so long? When will they go? I really want to feel normal again and I’m scared that it won’t happen.

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    1. G. This is exactly why I suggest professional counseling sooner rather than later because when you don’t get it I promise you it rears its ugly head sometime later on. I know you were strong enough to get out of the relationship and thats great but don’t be fooled that it didn’t leave you badly scared, as you can see now. I try and explain that I know counseling is hard BUT it’s not as hard as what you have already been through. The after effects can hurt all aspects of your life. This was serious abuse, mental & physical this man caused you and YES if you were made to have sex with him against your will it was rape. Just because you didn’t fight back doesn’t mean it wasn’t rape. What happened to you is that you went in safety mode because you were scared what would happen to you if you said no in order to not make thing worse. This is a typically type of rape among abusive boyfriends, husbands or strangers that threaten to seriously hurt you. Your boyfriend is not the one you need to be talking to. Yes he needs to know about the rape but not the details because he is trying to draw his own conclusion when it is NOT UP TO HIM. You were there not him. He only needs to know of the abuse so he can empathize with you when you have bad feelings or go through an episode. The only person that needs to know the details is the counselor. so get into counseling as soon as you can. The longer you wait the longer it takes to heal and unfortunately you are the proof of that. So do it for you and your future. You have already proven you are strong willed to be able to get out of that and that was your first step, now take the second through counseling. Stay strong and don’t give up because you are worth it! Lynn

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  48. I have a question.
    I got drunk with a good friend and I layed on my bed to relax and watch tv while he was on a chair. He came up on the bed and layed next to me. I didn’t want him there but let it go because I didn’t want to make him mad or feel weird. Then he started messing with me and trying to get me to fool around with him. I kept saying no and trying to get off the bed but he kept pulling me back on. It was like he thought it was a joke. After a while I gave in and let him do what he wanted and have “sex” to get it over with. I just layed there.
    Is that rape? or no because I gave in?

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    1. CM. By telling him no at first and if you didn’t give in then it would be but if you gave in without him threatening you or him being physically abusive I personally would not consider that rape. BUT if he was forcefully hurting you (not just pulling you down like a joke) or even verbally threatening you then I would consider it rape. When rape victims “give in” it is because of the threat and intent to hurt them, this happens a lot, but the intent to hurt is very clear. Only you two were there, so only you can answer that based on the above. Lynn

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  49. I have been off and on physically abuse and raped, I have held plenty of restraining orders against him and broke each and every one of them I would call the police and he would hide in the landlords house until they leave. there has been times when the kids come in the house and not lock the door he walk in and go straight to my room I tell him to leave and he won’t he would tell me to shut up while he pushes me back into the room and make me strip I would try and fight him but he would grab me by the throat and forces me to perform sexual acts on him I beg him to not do this I don’t want to do this he would ignore me, then he would start to perform oral sex on me and I push him away and say no he would punch me and then grab my throat till I can’t breath then I give into him because he is very strong. I try and fight my orgasm but he forces me to cum and for that reason it makes him happy.

    this Man has done some perverted things to me such as urinating on me in the shower with a serious expression I turned around and asked him why did u do that he laughed and said i’m marking my territory I started to get out of the shower and threatened me and made me stay in the shower. this man has spit on me, made me swallow his spit while he held me down every time I fought him he would choke me until I loose my breath then I give in. My abuser has kept me under his skin abusing me and constantly raping me verbally abusing me and emotionally abusing me.

    so here I am standing today trying to leave my abuser and every time he threatens me I want to believe him when he say he will f*cking kill me if I ever leave him or him telling me how he want to kill me and how it makes his penis hard just thinking about it. or he can’t seem to make up his mind by asking me do you think I can hurt you? and I would respond by saying no because you love me and he would have that look in his eyes and say bitch are you f*ucking crazy i’ll put your ass in the f*cking hospital and maybe even kill u. then I ask him if u kill me do u think u can live with yourself by telling my family you did it and he said yes…

    I do hear him loud and clear and very aware of his action when it comes to being abused or sexually abused but why can’t I think he can seriously hurt me or kill me just because he love me? i’m so confused I know he love me but how could he hurt me or even kill me and knowing that this is something that he wants to do to me I have a restraining order on him right now as we speak and he is breaking the court order and still doing those things he keeps doing to me.

    please I know I need help and i’m willing to get help. when I leave him do u think the physical abuse and sexual abuse will stop? would I be safe? would I be safe dating other people? or should I realize how dangerous my abuser can be and take further actions to be safe?

    thank you so much for reading my story about domestic violence and leaving a message. if there is anybody else out there going through what i’m going through to please take actions and get out before its to late i’m working on it but help is not coming fast enough… take care of yourself’s and God Bless

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    1. M.C. You need to know rape is about control not you, therefore whether or not he loves you is a mute point. That means YES he can hurt you and YES you should take what he says to be true. If I was you I would set up a camera somewhere showing the current date and time and tape him. That will get him thrown in jail, especially if he threatens to kill you. Now I’m in no way suggesting to see him again, I mean this only as a precaution if he does break him. Have it somewhere he can’t see it and DON’T tell him about it or that will make things worse. When he leaves immediately call the police. Again don’t tell him you are calling or threaten him in anyway just do it. I would also immediately take some self defense classes. For your safety now and in the future because this is going to affect you for a long time and no I would not be dating anyone else for the time being especially if he is watching you. Remember this is not about love it is about control and he is a horrific person that you need to be as far away as possible. I would also suggest making an escape route. Save some money, pack some clothes get what you need and find another place preferably city to live. You may say I can’t do that but this is your life and not sure if you have kids or not (you mentioned kids) but it is their life too and if he is threatening you he is threatening your kids life as well. So my first suggestion is leave immediately, stay away and if you can’t record him and turn him in. But again plan on leaving anyway even if you can’t do it right away, make a SAFETY PLAN for yourself and your family. Because you need to do everything in your power. Also, the fact that you say he is breaking the restraining orders and coming in after or before the police and doing the things you say, you must have physical proof on your body, via bruises, dna from him or something. You can immediately when he is done go to the police, tell him what he has just done and say you have the dna to prove it, via your clothes, intercourse, oral sex whatever. I’d even go to your local rape crisis center as they can do the tests to get the proof and that violates him right there. So you have a lot of options, just don’t be too scared to do them if you want this to stop and I know you do. Stay strong! lynn

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  50. Ok, I don’t know what to do last night I was going to bed out of town at a friend’s house and her 16 year old son who is 19 younger than me came in to bother me and his mom knew I was going to sleep and that he was in there and didn’t say anything. I know it is his room but I had been sleeping in there every night alone the way I am suppose to. I had the tv on so I thought he was just going to watch tv. I was wrapped in a sheet, he started to mess with me but not in a sexual way. I asked him to leave me alone that I wanted to sleep but he didn’t stop. Mind you he is bigger than me. So things started to turn sexual and I kept on telling him to stop, that I don’t want to do this and why does he want to do this to me? I tried to push him off of me but I couldn’t move him at all. I begged him to stop, but he wouldn’t. When I was getting louder he covered my mouth. He tried to kiss me but I wouldn’t let him kiss me. Once he was done I ran to the bathroom to clean up and I was crying. When I came out to go to sleep he hugged me and said he was sorry that he was in the moment and kept on apologizing and I said just leave me alone I want to sleep. I don’t know what to do, if I tell he might deny it and its my word against his and it will ruin my friendship with his parents and his Dad scares me. I don’t know what to do?? Did I lead him on? I have never flirted with him to my knowledge, he is a minor and I am a married woman. I don’t know if I should keep quiet because if he denys it, than it is my word against his word. How do I tell my husband without him wanted to go crazy on someone. If this was a stranger it would be different, but his mom is like my sister. Please help me and is it considered rape?

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    1. BC. Yes this is absolutely rape. The first thing you do is leave if you are scared of his father. The second thing you do is keep any of your clothes that you had on that might have DNA on them (maybe even the sheet) and take them with you and do NOT wash them. Just keep them for evidence if it comes to that because then it won’t be your word against his. If this woman is like a sister then she should believe you, and if she doesn’t then she is not as close as you would think and you need to not be as concerned about her and more concerned about the fact that you were just raped. Here is the fact if he did this to you I bet it’s not his first time and if you don’t say anything it won’t be the last. Also, your friendship is forever strained now so you might as well tell the truth and see how much of a true friend you think she really is. But first get out of there. Either cut your trip short and go home or at the very least get a hotel room, just pack and leave immediately. If you go to a hotel do NOT tell them where you are going and once you get there then you can tell your frined what happened. I personally would call the cops but if you don’t want to do that that is your choice. But I will tell you two things you must always remember, the longer you wait to tell the harder it will be for them to believe you which is why you need to tell her today. let her know you were scared and needed to leave the house before you could tell her and as I said as soon as you are safe you tell her. She will want to know why you are leaving abruptly tell her a family emergency or whatever. The second thing to remember is rape is about control and when you don’t say anything they think they still are in control and typically try it again or mentally screw with you because they know it is your word against theirs and the fact that you aren’t doing anything about it means they are in control of you. PLEASE get somewhere safe and then stand up for yourself. And you can let her know that you have clothes, sheets, panties whatever that have his DNA for proof. If they even insinuate that you willingly wanted to have sex tell them you have bruises and have taken pictures. Even if you don’t tell them you do and you are keeping them in a safe place with the DNA. And the only reason you didn’t say anything last night because you were in fear of your life. I PROMISE this is what you need to do. And even if you don’t go to the police keep the DNA stuff in a paper bag sealed in case you ever need it. Then when you get home get some counseling and take care of yourself. Put yourself first before others and remember you can’t control what others think or do so don’t try to. You will need counseling not only for you but also for your friendship. Stay strong! Lynn

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