Did you know rape is the most second horrific thing that can happen to a person other than murder? You and your loved ones will most likely go through the same emotions as grieving the loss of a loved one. They are shock and disbelief, anger, bargaining, depression and then acceptance. All of these emotions might not be felt or in the order listed above, but the majority of them are. Not only do most experience these emotions, but the victim also has the initial “shock” or “numbness” to get through, which typically comes first before other emotions. Other common feelings that might occur right after the rape are shame, scared, guilty, dirty and powerless. All of these are understandable to have but doesn’t mean they are warranted. A lot of survivors feel shame, guilt and dirty but it doesn’t mean they are. What it means is you are taking on the assaulter’s dirty shameful guilt because that is what he is trying to do to you through rape and control. DON’T LET HIM! Survivors also deal with the fear of rejection through friends and family. This sometimes means there is a communication problem because the friends or family just don’t know how to handle it or what to say. Refer to my page “Advice for loved ones of survivors”. They may also have problems with their sleep or eating patterns. Most survivors encounter many of these feelings and it is all part of the healing process. I like to say, “You need to feel in order to heal”. You can not mask the pain with drugs and alcohol because the less you feel the longer it takes to heal. The more you keep it inside the bigger the issue will get and come out when you least expect it. And depending on how long you keep your feelings regressed the bigger it’s ugly head is when it does surface. I always say if you feel like crying, no matter where you are or how long ago it was, let it out. Eventually, you may even want to talk about it. If you can’t talk about it, write it down. The more you let your feelings out, the more room you have to heal. The most important reason for this is because THE ASSUALTER DOESN’T DESERVE TO CONTROL YOUR LIFE ANYMORE! As long as you are regressing, the longer they have control over your life..
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Dealing with Rape 
I was raped in 2009 when I went to the house of a cousin of the guy that i liked. I got very very drunk. The guy that I liked took me into a bedroom and proceeded to take off my clothes, I had no objections to that but the part that was so horrible was that I was face down he had me by the wrist and when he let me go I turned around to see another man inside me. I was angry I trusted him! It felt horrible to know that possibly all that time I was being held down while another did the deed. I do feel ashamed to tell my parents. I just dont know how to deal with this anger and depression. I was also raped when I was thirteen by a 24 year old, I still feel a twige of sadness when I think about it and I wish it never happened.
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L.
I don’t necessarily know if it is a good idea to talk to your parents before I would talk to a counselor. You need to see a professional especially since this is your second. You have deep rooted feelings and this is just triggering both. Once you talk to a counselor, then if you have a good reltionship with your parents and feel the need to talk to them your counselor can suggest the best way to tell them. You can go to rainn.org to find a counselor that deals with rape in your area and it’s anonymous. I highly suggest that and read through the pages to find other coping ideas that will hopefully work for you. Stay strong, Lynn
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I was raped 2 years ago by my friend. We were playing “r u nervous” at camp. He knew I liked him, he also knew I never got nervous. He suggested we go somewhere else, and I thought “YES”! Before I could do anything, he pushed me on the ground, and it went downhill from there. My reaction was what happened, did he just do that, was it a nightmare, etc. But my coping was/ is screwing around with other guys or girls, (Im bi), and I don’t know if that’s ok or normal. I also don’t know if I’m a virgin or not. I’m only 14 and was 12 when it happened. I see him every summer. What do I do?
Thank you,
N
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N.
I wasn’t there but by him just asking to go somewhere else and you saying yes does not give him permission to have his way with you. From what you’ve told me it sounded like you just said yes to going somewhere else not for sex and if that is the case then this is a sexual assault. As far as being a virgin if you’ve had intercourse then you would not be a virgin and aside from the attack if you are being sexually active with anyone please remember to stay safe. You are very young and impressionable so please take it slow when it comes to consensual sex. And if you see him every summer I would stop going to that camp. Seriously, if you have to tell your parents what happened to get out of it then do it. Rape is about control and if he knows you didn’t go to anyone then he might misunderstand that you accepted it and since he has been able to control you before it is very likely to happen again or by someone he has told. Be VERY careful and try and get out of camp. I would also seek counseling if I were you, especially at your age a lot of things can be very confusing. Stay strong! Lynn
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I was raped exactly two weeks ago and this site has been really helpful.
for the first week after it happened, I shut off completely. I had fun and did things with my friends but it was all on the outside. It was only when I finally saw a counsellor that I broke down and began to accept what had happened to me. It was submissive rape where I thought I had no way out and I was scared so I just turned off all emotion/feeling/everything.
Thinking back on the moment, I don’t feel so horrible about it specifically but it has left these INCREDIBLY deep emotional scars.
I cry every day. My best friends at college (with whom I’ve only been friends for a few months) ditched me because they thought i was a slut for going off with a random boy at a club. And I now eat all of my meals alone. I used to have so many friends back in high school and now I have no one to turn to.
I can’t tell my parents because they’re both dealing with work and my grandfather’s death.
I keep feeling SO guilty. I feel like I’m just using this to get attention. Like I’m making a bigger deal out of it than it is. But I feel so incredibly hopeless and alone and worthless. I’ve never felt like this before and I have always been a huge feminist. I’ve always prided myself on being strong.
So to see myself break down every single day and feel so utterly alone and rejected? That’s so not my character. I’m even ashamed to write it here.
I just need so much help and I don’t even know where to turn. Can I tell my mom? I just want to talk to someone who cares about me.
I’m so sorry for this huge rant. It’s just that these are pretty new wounds
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A.
I care about you and even though it doesn’t feel like it there are others that do as well but you can’t expect them to know if you don’t tell them. If you and your mother have a good relationship I would turn to her and let her be your rock. But you must remember that no one other than yourself and a professional can actually help you deal and get your head in a good place to look forward to a better future. The only thing family and friends do is console you through listening when you need to talk or cry. And trust me crying is a good thing, because the more you feel and let out the more room you have to heal. You need to keep going to counseling (it took me just over a year) because rape effects all areas of your life, so as you go through the next few months if you are seeing a counselor you will help determine trigger points and how to avoid or deal with them. Once you get your head on straight (first believing it is NOT YOUR FAULT) then you will be able to deal with things as they pop up in your life. Also a VERY big deal for you right now since it is so raw and you feel you have no one to talk to, you MUST start writing either a journal or if you prefer not to keep it just write out all your feelings good or bad, either when you are upset and especially at the end of the day as an immediate release. This will help with sleeping better and when we don’t sleep good are emotions are even higher and more evident. The other thing is if you tell anyone, and you really only need that one person that you trust 100% and confide in, have them read my page on advice for family and friends, because it tells them what to do and what not to do with helping you through your recovery. So stay in counseling, start writing (you may even want to take what you write to counseling) and tell yourself everyday it’s not your fault AND BELIEVE IT! And find that one person that you can turn to 24/7. Stay strong! Lynn
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I was 15 when it all started I snuck out of the house and my “step dad ” caught me with a boy and he was like why would u hide that from me I dnt care then when cheerleading started he told me how pretty I was and how good I looked in a uniform I thought nothin of it then one night when it was just me and him he asked me to come to his room to watch tv I was then 16 and this was sept 30 and we always watched tv together in his room so I thought nothing of it well I had shorts on and a tank top and my strap broke so I asked him to fix it so he did then he kissed me and I got uncomfortable and the. he pushed me on the bed and moved my shorts to the side and raped me see I was a virgin and I told everyone that and no one biieved me not even my mom cuz one day I had a break down and I told her everyjing and she didn’t and still doesn’t belive me she is still with him and sent me away to live with her parents and she refuses to let me see my little sister idk what to do except for cry and cut myself
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a couple of years ago, i visited my boyfriend. i’d never had sex, but we were messing around – we discussed before not to do it then – and suddenly it was happening and i didnt know what to do. he stopped after a minute, was upset, crying. he realised what had happened months before i understood.
we stayed together after that, slept together too, but it often ended in me in tears. i’ve had counselling, stopped due to money restraints, but i’m glad i could have what i had.
the thing is, it doesnt seem clearcut to me like other people’s stories. my boyfriend didnt do it out of malice. it has made blaming myself easier, and that inclination has only seemed to get worse; i still talk to him and feel little resentment towards him, but often cant stand myself.
basically i feel like i cant address my feelings and dont know what to do. i expect the same behaviour from any boy now, and so have closed myself off emotionally. is it wrong that i still feel this way?
sorry, i know my story is nowhere near as bad as most. thank you for this website, youre doing a great thing.
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I was raped almost a year and a half ago. It was my room mate we had lived together for over two months and i was raped everyday. He told me that if I didn’t have sex with him that he would have my child taken away from me and to never see my child again. And I didn’t no what to do. I was scared and angry. I didn’t wanna lose my child. I finally told my friend about it and she took me to the hospital and the police took a report as well. I had a hard time talking to them about it, but my friend was there for me the whole time which helped alot. I tried getting counselling after that but the guy that I had seen said that I wasn’t raped because I didn’t call the police the first time that it happened. I had told him that I was scared and didn’t no what to do. He said that it didn’t matter. That it wasn’t rape even tho I said no everytime. I’m scared to go back and talk with someone else after that guy. I feel alone sometimes and it’s hard to trust anyone. I still wanna talk to someone about this so I can get my life back and move on. What should I do? Who can I talk to that won’t be little me.
m
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M. That guys a f’ing idiot and don’t give up, PLEASE! Go to rainn.org and see if there is someone near you. Most counselors from rainn specialize in rape therapy, but definitely get a women this time. Not saying there aren’t good men counselors but I don’t want you giving up over this asshole when you are willing and ready to help yourself. A lot of times people don’t find the right counselors and you just can’t give up and go to another. I hate this process but if you don’t do it the only person loosing out is you. when you are ready to get help and want to talk and release you need to do it. Also do you have a local crisis center that you can get a referral from? Crisis Centers can help with various different things so check that out also. In the meantime, if you need an immediate release write out your feelings and then when you do find a good counselor you can discuss what you’ve written. More importantly writing out your feelings is an immediate release and can help you sleep better and cope better. Stay Strong and don’t give up you and your future is worth it! Lynn
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I am 16 years old, and I was raped 4 years ago. I’d seen the guy that did it before because he worked down the street. It was a school night and my friends had picked me up and we were driving around. We ended up at that guy’s house and they were all drinking. They gave me a drink too, but I don’t think it could have knocked me out like it did. All I remember is him, what I was wearing, the blood on my underwear, and how bad I hurt. I told someone a year later, and the police were involved, the detective took my statement but I ended up dropping charges. Instead of making that man pay for what he did, I went home a just sliced away at my arm. I had been cutting since the incident, but the cuts I did kept getting longer and deeper. Finally, I tried to kill myself. It didn’t work and I ended up in a therapist’s room, then the hospital, then the ambulance, then the psych ward. I told the nurses what had happened and what triggers my depression, but it didn’t help. I’ve been to 3 different therapists but none of them work. Recently, the memory came back. this guy I had been talking to a little bit had been asking for a kiss, and I told him no, because I didn’t want any relationship that was more than just friends. I told him I didn’t want to be more than friends with him or anyone else. But he wouldn’t accept my answer, and he didn’t rape me but in the hallway at school he kept trying to kiss me and then he got me once, but he also kept trying to grab my boobs, and he kept pressing my body against his, and I could feel him protruding down there. I was really freaked out, but I know better then to say anything. I told one of my friend’s but I don’t think she understands, or knows how to respond. I’m really just a mess right now, and I don’t want to start cutting again, but I don’t know how well I’ll be able to control myself. I’m still with the 3rd therapist, but I don’t really tell her anything because everytime I see her I feel wierd and I end up not telling her anything. I know I need to tel her things to make the counseling work for me, and actually help, but I freeze up and don’t say anything. I just don’t know what to do I’m a complete mess.
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I was raped on May 13th. I know it has almost been a month, but I’m still in shock. I never went to the cops and I regret it everyday, because now I feel there is nothing I can do about it. The rapist is the best friend of my boyfriend’s brother. Not someone I necessarily “trusted” but definitely not someone I’d expect this from. We were all very drunk (we being my boyfriend, his brother, the rapist and myself) and we were under an overpass next to a river around 2 or 3 a.m. The brother left, my boyfriend blacked out and the next thing I know I am being drug up the cement stairs onto the bike path by the friend. I was wasted and terrified. I knew what was about to happen but it was like my body and sense of defence completely shit out on me. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t even cry, all I could do was brace myself. I said nothing the entire time.
I am breaking down at this very moment remembering how I did nothing. He pulled my jeans down around my ankles and pushed my shirt up. He slapped me across the face and pulled my hair. Repeatedly referred to me as a slut or a whore. The last thing I remember is he was yanking my hair, trying to get my head high enough so he could force me to give him oral, and when he let go of my hair, my head dropped to the cement.
The next thing I know my boyfriend is over me putting all my clothes back on me and bawling his eyes out and the rapist is long gone.
I told my mom a few weeks later. I keep telling random people for no reason. I don’t want the attention. It’s just I want someone to really understand the dark place I’m in right now. This is not the first time I’ve been sexually abused, but it is the first time I’ve decided to deal with it. I just don’t know where to start. I am so tired of this burden, I’m only 18 and I’m ready to give up.
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E. The first thing you need to do is get yourself into counseling, you can go to rainn.org and find one near you that specializes in rape. This is an absolute must and the quicker you get in the quicker your healing process will start. I promise you you can’t do it on your own and your family and friends can’t heal you because they don’t know how. The fact that you stated this is the first time you are ready to deal means get in immediately, even if you have to make several phone calls. If you are covered under your parents insurance go through your insurance plan or even try the local crisis center which sometimes have counselors there that can help. The next thing is you can still make a report and if you have any of your clothes that haven’t been washed or any evidence at all you can still take it. That way if you make the report you can get an injunction so he can’t get anywhere near you or he can be thrown in jail. Now that being said without any hard evidence they probably won’t take him to jail nor will he be prosecuted but you can still obtain the injunction (restraining order) on him for your own protection and sense of security. And you never know he might have a record or someone else reported him and then they might prosecute. Either way whether or not you decide to report, get into counseling right away and help yourself. And remember you are not alone but you will only get better by the amount of time you commit to working at it. Stay strong! Lynn
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I have to get this off my chest, and I would love your advice.
For me it all started on a trip to Hawaii. I was so excited to go and have fun in the sun and maybe even meet a couple new friends, and low and behold I did on the first day there. Oh goodness, he seemed perfect. The most gorgeous guy I had ever seen, a complete sweetheart, super funny, and ripped to boot… he was in the military. Unfortunatly I didn’t know that alot of military boys have a bad rap for promiscuity, I’m 18 and the only stories that I know about military boys are written by Nicolas Sparks. He had me wrapped around his finger, and I trusted him completely even though I had just met him and I don’t normally trust people that easily. We had hung out in a group of 4 (me, my best friend, him, and his best friend) a couple times during my first week there. I was convinced that he could do no wrong. He held my hand on the beach, and we talked for hours on end. It was starting to sound like a fairy tale in my mind and I was clueless to how different things were going to turn out. One week in, we all snuk into the pool, like usual, after going out for dinner one night. He had had one glass of wine and a couple shots of vodka, but not enough to get drunk. I was completely sober. After an hour of laughing and joking around in the hot tub with him, his best friend, my best friend, my brother, and my cousin, he got too hot and wanted me to go in the pool with him. So I did. He pulled my into a hug and tried to kiss me. I pulled away, I felt weird for some reason. He got frusterated that it had been a week and he still hadn’t even kissed me. He walked away for a minute and then came back in. I didn’t want him to be mad, and I did really want to kiss him, so I let him kiss me. But it was way too intense way too fast. He picked me up and pulled me to a corner of the pool hidden by prying eyes from the hot tub. No one had gotten out or seen anything, so it was just the two of us in the pool. He tried to stick his hands down my bikini bottoms but I freaked out at him. I had told him straight up earlier that week that I was not interested in sex and that I was saving it for marrige. He had told me that he really respected that… apparently not. He had me up against a wall with my legs wrapped around his waist. I was not comfortable, but he wasn’t listning. He apologised for freaking me out and continued kissing me. Then he did it again and didn’t stop. I was shocked and couldn’t believe that this guy who I thought was so great was doing this to me. His friend interrupted us, but he went over to him, grabbed him by the chin, whispered something, gave him a death stare, and then his friend left the pool. He turned back to me and gave me a terrifying look. I felt my blood turn cold. He continued touching me and doing all this stuff to me, I tried to block it out, and it didnt feel good. He got frusterated because I wasn’t enjoying it so he persisted. I tried to talk him out of it every way I could, but I was so scared that I could barely think. I couldn’t scream, I couldn’t do anything. He was SO strong. There came a point where he switched from holding me to holding me down. I begged him to stop but he said repeatedly: “Just relax, I know you want this. It’s okay, I know you’re scared, everyone is on their first time. Just relax.” Then when he tried to push himself in me I tried so hard to push myself away from him. But again, he had me up against a wall and was way stronger then me. So he won. He just kept going, and going, it felt like forever. I felt so worthless. Then we were interrupted by security guards. He dropped me and ran out the back gate of the pool deck. I was left there in the pool thinking what the hell just happened? Then he came back and asked me to sleepover! can you believe that! It gets worse…The next day I found out through facebook that he was married!! He was effing married!! as if things couldn’t get worse, 5 minutes later I got an inbox message from this random chick asking if I knew he had a girlfriend… turns out it was her. The last time I talked to him was on facebook chat later that day. He called me a bunch of things and said that I knew the whole time that he had a girlfriend. I didn’t tell anyone until I got home out of fear of him and what would happen if I did say anything. Now i’m stuck where I was 4 months ago, numb and jumbled up. In the past 5 years I have been molested by friends, assulted by someone I babysat for, and now this.I’ve tried every way I can think of to get rid of my feelings, but they never leave. Everything you’ve said on this website I can relate with 100%. I have vivid flashbacks that are horrible, my best friend who was on the trip with me doesn’t believe me (we’ve been friends for 17 years), I am scared of what he could do to me because of his position in the military, I’m still trying to comprehend what even happened, and there are so many emotions in my head that I just feel nothing instead. I can’t cry, and don’t know what to do. Currently i’m seeing a counsellor (I just started) but I don’t know how she will help. I feel like no one wants to talk about it with me, and I feel so alone. I act every day like there’s nothing wrong, and I hate it! I am so lost. How do I fix myself? I just want to feel like life will be okay. I just want to feel happy again.
p.s I think you are amazing for having this website. It’s because of people like you that people like me can find the strength to get out of bed every day. God bless.
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A. The fact that you are going to counseling is the best thing you can do but you need to remember you are there to help yourself. A lot of the times they can’t give you the answer but they help you down the path to figure it out yourself. this will not only help you now but later in life as well. I hope you already realize 100% with no doubt that this was not your fault because counseling isn’t going to help you until you know that. That is the first step, accepting you did absolutely nothing wrong or to deserve what happened to you. Counseling doesn’t happen overnight but the more you put into your recovery the quicker it will come. As far as who believes you or not, don’t worry about them, it sucks that your best friend doesn’t but sometimes going through heavy stuff truly shows you who your real friends are, so move on because you don’t need that negativity in your life. Maybe check into group therapy because you can find lifelong friends there that understand everything you are going through and will be there for you. Something to think about. Stick with it and take baby steps, cause then the will turn into bigger steps. Stay strong! Lynn
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Hi, I have just this morning found this website and feel so much better about myself for reading the information on it, also more comfort from hearing about people tragic stories and knowing I am not the only one!
I was raped exactly 1 year ago today, it was an ex boyfriend, we were together for 5 years, he was always very violent and through drink and drugs I was subject to years of emotional and physical abuse. He would force me to have sex with him, and he would humiliate during sex. When I finally left him, everything was amazing I moved on, years later I married and had a beautiful child. But I saw him again, and we went fo a coffee, it was strange as I had no feelings of hate or disgust towards him. I enjoyed speaking to him telling him about my new life and how happy I was.
A few weeks later I was out with some girls, I had been drinking and I saw him again, we were chatting, then a group of us went to his to wait for our taxi. I don’t remember anything else from that night. I lost 10 hours in total, I woke up naked, in his house and I knew something had happened as I was in pain. I cried nearly everyday for 8 months. The guilt I felt towards my husband was and still is immense. What made it worse is that, he had a girlfriend (I knew nothing about, nor was I bothered), he told her he slept with me, then her and all her friends started abusing me and informed my husband that I was a slut and he should leave me. My husband never believed it, I had to go to a counsellor, as I couldn’t cope, mainly with the not knowing of what happened that night, only knowing exactly what must of happened and still years later,he has ruined my life. I have never told anyone else about this. But I feel more at ease now after knowing that I was more than likely drugged. I love my husband and would never go behind his back, but I feel that no one would ever believe me if I told. It breaks my heart everyday not being able to tell him, but the longer I dont the harder it is to say anything. I am now expecting our 2nd child, even though I feel that I have moved on slightly, my ex still haunts my dreams, and I am scared to go out where I live incase I get bombarded with abuse from his g/f and her mates. Life just isn’t fair.
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C. If this is still eating at you like this now it is going to continue like cancer. If you’re not still in therapy I would go back especially that you are pregnant. Maybe once you are ready you can ask to bring your husband in with you and tell him with the therapist so he will realize this really happen and so he will have someone to reach out to himself so both of you can get through this. Main reason if you want the best relationship possible for your entire family and keeping this from him doesn’t sound easy for you and you are going through everyday life with this emotional burden that you need to be sharing with someone, at the very least a counselor/therapist. I think this is your best solution. Stay strong! Lynn
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i was raped a year ago, god knows how yous get past it because a cant a cant sleep at night i hear his voice in ma head all the time its got that bad i cant go out my front door i feel so isolated i have 3 kids and a feel am faillin them this guy is winning and i dont want him to anymore but a try and try please someone help me i cant take it anymore
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S. You can’t do it alone, you need to get professional help. I promise it you do he won’t be in control anymore, you will be by helping yourself and not letting him dictate your days & nights with fear. Go to rainn.org and find the nearest counselor/therapist in your area. A lot with with your income if that is an issue. Just go get the help you need and the quicker you do it the quicker you will be back in control. It isn’t easy but it is easier than being trapped in your own hell!!!!! Take that step to get strong and stay strong! Lynn
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I was raped when I was 15, which was almost 10 years ago. Right before it happened I lost my viriginity to a boy I really cared about, then was almost immediatley betrayed by him and my best friend (they slept together). I dated a lot of guys and did some drugs until I was raped by a new boyfriend. I wasn’t sure what to think because I was sexually active before and had messed around with him. I was high when it happened and I was disconnected from my body and my emotions. I knew it was something I did not want. After this at school he spread rumors about me being a dirty whore and a crazy bitch. A lot of people that I went to school with thought I was a dirty whore becasue of him. I felt completely isolated because I had just lost my best friend and I had no one to talk to. I was so lost and I just wanted her back and that first guy back because I was so happy then. I think I have been in shock all these years and I have not been connected to my body, my emotions and my sexuality. I told a friend who didn’t take it seriously at all; I told my boyfriend who did the best he could; I told my mom who asked really awkward questions and has never mentioned it since. I told these people a couple years after the incident. I did not receive much support and I remained aloof and stoic. I have never trusted another human being since the rape and before now I have never written those words down. Every time I go to the doctor, I now have health problems and gynecological issues, I feel as if I am being raped all over again. I’m told to get over it and it is not that bad which just incinuates the problem. I have just recently started to connect with my body and my emotions and my sexuality. I have cried for the past two days. I still feel as though I could have prevented it, that I am whore and that something is wrong with me. I don’t know how to trust other people or be comfortable with my whole self, emotions, body and sexuality.
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J. I always try and find the good news and the positive to concentrate on and what I got from your post is that you stated you are now trying to come to grips with your body, emotions and sexuality, which means you are ready to deal with this and start on your road to recovery. It’s not going to be easy and that doesn’t mean you feel good right now. But what it does mean is that you realize you need to do something and you know you have to take care of yourself first, and it sounds as if without the help of others. Don’t be too mad at them because they aren’t the right people to help because they don’t know either. Not saying they can’t and shouldn’t give you support because we all need that. What you need is to go to a professional. Call your local crisis center and see if you can get a referral to a trained counselor/therapist or they might even offer something there (usually they work with you on payment if any). If you have health insurance go to a counselor in your network or even go to rainn.org and find someone close to you. Whatever you do, you need to realize your body and your life is ready for you to take charge and get your life back. You can see trying to forget about it and not dealing with it only makes it worse in the long run. If your boyfriend is kind then just tell him all you need from him is his nonjudgmental support and patience and that you are going to get professional help (which will take some time) for the rest. In the meantime, let me reassure you that in no way, shape or form are you or have ever been a whore. The only thing you did was trust someone who obviously betrayed you. The guilt you feel needs to be taken off your shoulders and put where it belongs on the person that did this to you. I know the feelings associated with rape and understand where you are coming from, but the first step in recovery is knowing IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT! So please believe me and then believe it yourself and once you do you will want to run towards the road to recovery and get the help you need and stop letting these assholes control your life anymore! Stay strong! Lynn
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I was raped 15yrs ago when I was 15 and then again when I was 21. I thought I had dealt with it with a counsellor many years ago but it never seems to go away I dealt with it by being very promiscuous and drinking allot. I have recently found someone I really love well I think I love but I found that my past always interferes with my relationship I often feel angry and at my boyfriend and want to hurt him for no reason…I don’t really like sex and and just do it any way. I worked in the sex industry as a massage girl and often feel like he is a client I often find that my mind switches on and off. I have agreed to move back to his country with him and leave this week. I’m really scared and don’t know what to do. Is this normal to feel this way?
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L. Here is my suggestion. If you haven’t told him you were raped you need to and do it before you move. You need to see how he is going to handle it, if at all. Some of the best advice I learned from counseling is to ALWAYS tell the person before you ever get intimate with them because they are going to be in 100% or out 100% and it is better to find out before you give yourself to them. Personally, it sounds like you might be in this for the security factor more than intimate love and if that is the case DON’T GO! If you truly loved him he would know and you would feel comfortable being intimate with him. Now I’m not saying you wouldn’t be turned off sometimes because of a memory or not in the mood because of a trigger, because those things are normal and happen BUT he needs to know and understand why and respect that. If you don’t have this relationship then I wouldn’t change my life for him. I would be taking care of myself first, getting my life together before having a serious relationship that you can be open and honest with. That being said you do not need to go into details and if he asks you can tell him respectfully that you prefer not to go into them. But you do need to tell him you are a rape survivor. I can’t tell you what to do, but if it was me I would seek counseling right away, I would tell him about your past and that you need to take care of yourself right now and once your head is on straight you will make the decision to join him or not. Go to rainn.org and find the nearest counselor to you BEFORE you leave. Even if you have to go through the phone book to find the counselor that can get you in the quickest. Don’t live your life for him, live it for you and a professional and you are the only ones that can help. Stay strong! Lynn
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Hi, coming to this site I feel I have a place where I can possably get some answers so far this site has helped me understand alot. But I still feel I need to let my story out and get some advice.
Over the weekend, I had a friend that I met thru a mutual friend invite me out for the day. This would be my 2nd time hanging out with her. She told me she’d pick me up we’d walk the beach and go for cocktails in the city and come back to our area to go dancing at a few of my fav. spots. It had been awhile and I had been going thru finacial stress. My boyfriend said go you need to be spoiled have fun and stop worrying about things for a night. Well she ended up lagging and finaly picked me up. She said we have to go pick up my boyfriend because he is going to pay for everything he wants me to have fun so he offered to cover everything. Its already late so our plan was to goto dinner instead and then come back to our area… We get to the city and this guy is juss so nice asking me about my life and everything saying he’ll show me what its like to be wealthy and have money to blow and he’ll show me the city in a different light. 1st stop this hotel with a bar at the very top with an amazing view of the beach and city.. we had a drink and left to a couple buildings down to a resturaunt very high class live jazz and everything you might imagine as a great place to enjoy an amazing meal. (well at least coming frm me) after dinner he says why dont we go to a few bars and clubs here since you’ve never been. So 1st bar we get a few drinks… and leave to the next each place i got 1 drink and they were mixed and i wouldnt finish them completly well its about 230 now and i am juss tired.. and beat it was a very long long day all morning i was with my two kids so I said can we call it a night i wana go home now…. they both laugh and say yeah lets go.. driving home was very weird I didnt feel drunk juss weird.. we stop after awhile and He gets off the car and I see a resuraunt and a small motel next to it.. she says lets get out of the car freshen up and take a break from driving and get water and what not and then we’ll go home. At that point I didnt even want to get out of the car.. she opened my door and kinda grabed my arm like lets go so I went with her and went straight to the bathroom takin my time wondering whats going to happenand how will i break free from this? She comes in the bathroom tells me hurry trys freshing up my make up and says go with it and juss be calm and we’ll go faster.. I didnt quite get her but i knew the next thing that happend wouldnt be good. as i stepped back into the room it was dark and music was playing im walking towards the door and i say lets go im so beat and ready to be home.. her boyfriend in this scary tone of voice says to me no juss relax sit on the bed.. kiss my g/f we arent leaving newhere yet. this guy is pretty muscular and scary and well im 5’0 my self defense isnt much so I go with it i sit down and his g/f was like kissing me but not on my mouth and juss kinda holding me next thing i know he is behind me and it hurts for a second until i juss let myself go to juss hurry up and make it go away so i can go home next thing i can even remember is being in the car.. sitting in the backseat i felt so dirty i was quite.. and i can hear him whisper to his g/f ” I felt kinda bad, so i didnt get to pound her like i wanted.. ” she replied with “next time baby” we get to my place i try n make sure to grab everything so i never have to speak with them again i run to my bathroom and sit in the hott bath.. the next day didnt feel like a hangover i dont normaly get those neways i slept the whole day and felt sick to my stomach disgusted with nowhere to turn I took a shower cleaning myself down there realizing he didnt use protection so i tried so hard to clean myself out.. scared and worried I get a message from her saying she has my ID as she dropped it off I juss had shivers down my back. Im only close with my boyfriend but even still I feel i cant tell him our relationship juss wwent thru a rocky few months this is the last thing i think our family needs im a mom with two kids this juss isnt suppossed to happen to me i should have known better or just stayed home im scared im tired confused will the cops even care or believe me this guy just spent like 700 $$ on us 3 for the night rented a motel room and didnt even stay the whole night and all this nice stuff he did to show me around things ive never seen .. and will people believe that he did that to me in the end ?? I dont want to ruin my family but i seen this site as maybe some hope and answers please help me
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Is it possable for couples to rape a person together?? and do they both get charged how does something like this work in a case if I decide to report it??
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A. yes I’ve seen more times than I want couples raping another person. Here is the deal, it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, only what you know and you need to get counseling for it. I don’t think I’d tell your boyfriend before talking to a counselor and letting them help you to figure out the best time and way to tell him. As far as the police go, unless you have evidence or dna they can’t do much UNLESS someone else has reported them. So I’m not saying don’t go to the police, just know there isn’t much that can be done without a prior report from someone else, evidence or dna. Just because he got a hotel room & didn’t stay all night isn’t going to prove anything. Have you washed the panties or clothes you wore that night, because there could be dna on them if you haven’t. Other than if you want to report it, the first person I would go to is a counselor and get the right advice. You can go to rainn.org and find the nearest rape counselor to you and a lot work with you on payments. So check it out. You will eventually need to tell your boyfriend, preferably sooner than later but I feel more comfortable telling you to get the advice from the counselor on how and when you should tell him since I don’t know the details of your rocky past. Just know in your heart and soul this was not your fault and you did nothing wrong because you didn’t. These were people who knew what they were doing, planned ahead and took advantage of you.Which is why someone else may have reported this happening before, this obviously wasn’t there first time. Just because you thought they were nice and offered to pay does NOT constitute rape! Get to a counselor, pronto, it is important for your and your family’s future. Stay strong! Lynn
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Thank u so much …I ended up going to a counsler and to a hospitol takin my clothes they were unwashed and so far we are investagating everything going on.. thank u for beng an ear and givng me helpful advice.
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A. You are so very welcome and that is what I’m here for! I’m just so glad that you took my advice. Just remember no matter what anyone else says, you are not to blame! Take care of yourself and I’m glad you trusted me to open up. Keep it up with your counselor. Stay strong! Lynn
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I have just found this website this morning. It is almost a year since I was raped. I have had a hard time coming to terms with it all. I was out with some friends at the start of university last September, having a few drinks and a good time seeing everyone after the summer break. Next thing I know is I was in my bed with a guy from my class on top of me, begging me to stay awake, whilst I could feel him inside me, and then I blacked out again only to wake up hours later collapsed on the top of the stairs with no clothes on. I was sore and confused and had bruises, scratches and bite marks on me.
I called the police later that day after talking to my flatmates. But the police barely believed me and I felt like it was my fault the whole thing happened. This guy was a friend of mine, in my class from university, and they saw CCTV of us walking to my house together – but just because I was a little drunk and my friend walked me home, does that mean he had the right to violate me and take advantage like that?! The police couldn’t find enough evidence to go through with charges and I left it too many hours to prove I’d had my drink spiked, even though they said that’s what probably happened, even though a girl I lived with heard the whole thing. The police even came round to warn me that I need to me more careful with what I drink. I used to go out about once a month, and drink carefully then, I feel so ashamed about it that I hardly ever go out anymore. The police treated me like the criminal, and said to me “how could he have raped you when he said he kissed you goodbye?” It makes me feel sick just thinking about it.
One year on, I have lost many friends through this as some didn’t believe me, some didn’t care, some just didn’t know what to do. I had to leave school because even though I told my tutors about what happened, they wouldn’t suspend him or make him change classes and basically said to me I have to sit in a class with him there or leave. I carried on with work but sometimes had to go into the university building and saw him, I feel like I am going to have a panic attack just going into the building at times.
I have had a few councilors, one of which was really helpful although took 6 months for one to be available. She is the only person I have truly been able to breakdown and be totally honest with. I have found that in everyday life, I am pretty disconnected from everything. I don’t feel emotions anymore.
I was searching online for help with rape because today is my first day starting back at university and wanted some words of encouragement and came across your webpage. It is one year exactly on Sunday. I will be starting a new class and he has left now but I am terrified to go back- there were all sorts of rumours about me and I don’t know what this new class will know or think they know.. I am trying to be strong and deal with it but it is going to be a tough day.
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R. Sorry for the delay, I’ve been going through some personally issues myself and need to be 100% when on my site. I hope you are checking back and I hope you were able to get through the past several days starting school again. First I want you to take a self defense class, it will help with your fears and help with your confidence and your safety. Second, I need you to try and stay focused on you and not what others are saying or how they are behaving. I know this is a lot easier said than done, but you need to take care of yourself and get your head on straight before you can deal with the actions of others. And you are more important than them and only you can help yourself along with professional counseling. Good for you that you realize you need the counseling and have taken the steps to get it, just don’t give up. I was in counseling for a year and I wouldn’t be here today without it. The cops were assholes and through my experience they are black & white no grey areas. They either totally get it or they don’t, it’s sad because it is my personal belief that all cops and hospital workers should be trained on compassion with rape victims, but they aren’t. Its stupid and it’s their ignorance, not anything to do with you so don’t give them the courtesy of making you feel you were at fault, because you were not, in any way shape or form. You acted exactly the appropriate way and took the right steps, they are the ones that dropped the ball and they are parting at fault for it, NOT YOU! If you are still have it tough although in counseling, try writing out your feelings as an immediate release, just to get them out of your head so your head can relax. You can trash them when you are done, or if there is something significant that you can share with your counselor, take them to counseling and discuss. For sure get into a defense class, it will help tremendously. Stay strong! Lynn
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Hi I’m 16 and two months ago I was raped by my best friends husband who is 36. I have tried to block it out since it happened and only yesterday told my two closest friends. I felt to blame because I couldn’t stop him but also because I trusted him. He was my friend. My parents don’t know but the friends who do are older and have offered to come to counselling with me if i want to. I don’t know if I am strong enough to go though. I’ve only just thought about it properly and started reading about the effects of rape. I think I have been in denial but have found myself getting more withdrawn and depressed. I know I need to accept and deal with what happened but I’m not sure how. I am also worried about my friends, they both cried when they found out and i feel guilty for upseetting them. Is there any way I can make them feel better?
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F. You need to put yourself first and I think your friends will agree and understand 100%. Also, you don’t need to know how, because your not suppose to know how as we are not wired on how to deal with rape, which is why we go to professionals. You are obviously ready and obviously need it so go to rainn.org and find the nearest professionally trained counselor near you. You are worth it. And you only have to be strong enough to make the appointment and go, the rest is up to the counselor and they will help you through it. It’s not easy but it is soooo worth it, I promise. Once you help yourself your friends will feel better too. They are sad because they don’t know how to help other than support. The best way you can make them feel better is to take control of your future and help yourself by taking the right steps. Sometimes I tell people if you don’t feel you can get the words out in the beginning, write out your feelings and give them to your counselor. writing is always good anyway as an immediate release and can sometimes help to determine your triggers. Just take a leap of faith in yourself, because if you can get through rape you can get through the counseling you need to help yourself to a brighter future for you and your friends. Stay strong, Lynn
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Hi
I was raped back in 2003 by my boyfriend at the time. I was only 16 when this happened. I am now 33 and still dealing with the trauma after all these years i never really got any help or support at the time not even from my family. the charges was dropped against him by my mother as she really fancied him i felt ashamed and dirty by what had happened and i felt so alone as ihad no one that i could trust to talk to. This guy was a control freak and i exprienced more abuse from him over the coming years. I eneded up marrying him as i was pushed into it after 18yrs of marriage and heartache i decided to leave him. This was due to meeting a real good guy who would sit and talk to me we would chat for hours and i felt safe around him. i then started to get feelings for this guy and eventually i gave in to them and now we are together i feel so lucky to have such a great guy to help and support me. I still need to deal with the rape as it still upsets me even now i am currently on anti depressants but i feel that counselling would help me deal with all the demons that lay inside me. i really need to talk about this to someone who understands the pain i am feeling at the moment please help
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T. Well I think by you admitting you are ready for help is a huge step especially after all this time that has passed. You were basically held captive in your own terror from the age of 16! I want to to go to rainn.org and find the nearest counselor to you. If you have insurance you can go through them as well, everything is confidential by law (US). I’m so glad your in a good and safe environment now, that must feel good. Is your ex completely out of the picture, like no problems since you left him? Because if you have even a slight doubt I would also take a self defense class, which will not only make you feel safer but builds your confidence up. You need to try to deal with it so you can get off your meds eventually when it’s right for you. Being on meds for long periods of time can really affect your over health like metabolism and dependency. But you know what kudos to you for finally realizting and more importantly for reaching out to get help. So don’t let it stop here. It won’t be easy but I promise you it will be worth it! Stay strong. Lynn
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I found this website tonight, and I think it’s a great thing what you’re doing. I was raped on May 22nd during a study abroad trip through my university. He was the medical technician on site. When I got sick during the program, I went to the medical office. He locked the door from the inside, sat down next to me, then grabbed my head and neck and forced me to perform oral sex on him. I was so shocked and confused. I didn’t know why he would do that. Then he pushed me onto the ground, forced my pants down, and raped me. He told me he loved me over and over and kept telling me to say it back. I wouldn’t. I know I’m lucky that I wasn’t hurt worse. I have had medical treatment and I’m currently in counseling. I don’t know how to make the most of counseling because I don’t know what steps I need to take in healing. This has turned my world upside down and I don’t want to allow this jerk to control my life. Can you please give me suggestions on what steps I can take to heal? I don’t just want to fix the obvious symptoms of the trauma, I want to learn how to heal. I can’t seem to be able to come to terms with the fact that he is in the other country and has no consequences at all for what he did. I feel so responsible for the fact that he can keep raping women because I didn’t do enough in the week after it happened that I was still in that country. I’m having a lot of difficulty right now, everything from trouble sleeping to memory/concentration problems to heightened anxiety to overwhelming anger. I have such great plans for my future, and I don’t want those to fall apart because I was raped. It wasn’t my fault. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!
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K. You are a very strong woman to already be in counseling and knowing it wasn’t your fault and seeking counseling is the biggest step you can take. I was in counseling for a year after my rape so don’t expect it to be a quick process. Things I can tell you are write out your feelings every night about an hour before bed, could be good or bad just write on paper what you felt that day or feeling at the time. This is a release for your mind and will help you sleep. The more sleep we get the less anxiety we feel. You don’t have to keep what you wrote or you can and take it to your counseling visits to help determine specific triggers for you. Also take a self defense class because your sense of security has been shot. A self defense class will help wonders. Have you ever tried yoge? I have at home dvds that truly help me wind down and relax as well as keep you in shape. Mine are all beginners and easy to follow. Do you have any pets? Get a dog or cat if you don’t have one, they are huge distraction and give lots of love and can help bring anxiety down too! Get a massage every 2 weeks if you can afford it. This helps with the sense of touch and relaxation. Don’t give up on the counseling, or yourself! Stay strong! Lynn
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I was raped october 2nd or possibly early morning the 3rd.
It was at a party so everyone assumed it was just a hook up and nothing more….
It took me two weeks until I started telling close friends that I thought I was raped…. I knew he raped me, but I was scared to make it real by telling people.
Everyday I think about what he did to me.
I thought (and still kind of do) it was my fault because I had been drinking and smoking pot.
I never everrrr hook up with guys. I don’t even kiss a guy unless I’m dating him.
I was so drunk and hooking up with this guy seemed alright at the time. I had never talked to him before this party. He was a senior and new to my school.
So when he pulled me onto the ground to sit with him and started making out with me, I didnt resist. I was fine with that…..But then I blacked out and the next thing I knew I was in my friends basement on a bed with him.
I was shirtless and he was in his boxers. We continued to make out and “fool around”.
But then he ripped off my shorts and forced himself on top of me between my legs. I started to freak out and try to move myself, but he pulled off my underwear and threw them on the ground. I tried to cover up my privates with my hand so he couldn’t put his dick in me. And used my other hand to push him. He grabbed my arms and held them over my head and shoved himself in.
It was painful and I kept saying “please stop please no no no no.” But he kept going. he eventually let go of my arms and I tried to push him off but he was much stronger then me. I just gave up and layed there feeling disgusted cuz my legs were pushed around him. I wanted to cry but was numb.
He kept saying “Babe you like it.” and once he finished he layed down next to me and I was almost crying/ having a panic attack and he told me “you need to calm down babe.”
At that point my friend ran downstairs and saw me in bed and told me I should come upstairs. I got dressed and ran upstairs with her.
I wanted to be away from him, I felt dirty and used and like a slut.
I had just lost my virginity to him….
Me and my friend went and layed in a bed together, but then he came upstairs and joined us in bed. He pulled me close to him in the bed and kept pulling my hair and kissing my neck. I wanted to cry but I didnt know what to do, so i just layed there feeling trapped. On one side I had my close friend, and on the other side of me I had the guy who just raped me, trying to get some more.
Eventually my friend ashley said we should go downstairs, and we went down stairs together and slept on a couch. I was so happy to have him away from me.
The next day before he left the party he hugged me and told me “Don’t worry I wont tell anyone about what happened babe”. Like he was doing me some sort of favor because he knew I was so embarrassed I had even did anything with him.
He knew I wouldn’t want ANYONE to know anything happened.
I went home and cried and cried and cried and washed all my clothes I had worn.
I have to see him every day at school. As if eye contact with him wasn’t enough, the other day it was just me and him and his friend in the hall, and i had to walk by him. I was just going to walk by without saying anything, but when i walked by he grabbed me and made me hug him and said “what no hugs for me? I need to talk to you later about something important.”
I felt violated and started crying on my way back to class. He texted me later that night saying he was sorry for what happened that night cuz “he knew that wasn’t how I wanted my first time to be”
I was so confused and dint know if I should forgive him.
I finally snapped when I found out he rapped another girl. maybe more…
She contacted me because she had heard we “hooked” up but a rumor was going around that it was more then that.
I told her the truth and she told me her story.
I gave the cops my official recorded statement this week and he was informed that I have accused him. I’m scared to see him now at school, but hopeful he will go to jail.
My life’s a mess and I still think about the rape constantly. But at least I know he wont be able to hurt anyone else.
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E. Four things I need you to do 1) Go to your guidance counselor in school and make them aware if you haven’t already, because he does go to the same school and in case this effects your grades, they will work with you. 2) Take a self defense class 3) Get a restraining order on him immediately – you can talk to the officer handling your case 3) Get some professional counseling. Your guidance counselor can maybe refer you, or the local crisis center or go to rainn.org. These are all necessary steps you need to take. I’m so glad you reported him, you both did the right thing because I was gonna tell you, that I bet this wasn’t his first time and if you and the other girl wouldn’t of had the guts to go to the police I bet it wouldn’t be his last, but now hopefully it will. I’m proud of both of you! Stay strong! Lynn
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when i was 15 and very shy naive and timid my own grandad who sed he would look after me and decide to treat me but when i was too late to say i try to stop him but he carried on with it even tho i was like this aint right and wanted more and i got worst he even got a uncle involved within a convo but i sed to the uncle he was shocked and like did he actually say that and have to keep it quiet it then did it on a seperate occasion and i was like no get downstairs im not even decent and he was like oh thats better but i was like yeah thats better he tried to put his hand under my cover and was very uncomfable and told to him to go and when it was all in the open all i did was cry i dint even get a hug of any1 saying its ok now of anything so i was like oh great something else to hold on too all i think now is that is there someone out there that will accept me for who i am and wot happened in the past i will never know
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S. The most important thing for you to remember and believe is that this is something that happened to you by a pervert that took advantage of a trusting soul. I’m sorry to call your family that but that is what they are, they knew what they were doing & this is something they did NOT YOU! So as far as someone out there to accept you doesn’t have anything to do with this, even though I know it feels like it, you must believe me when I tell you that “this does NOT define you”! It only defines the people that did this to you but NOT YOU! Stay strong! Lynn
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I was recently raped after leaving a party. I was very, very drunk and got a taxi with a man who claimed he lived near me. When we got out of the taxi, I realised we were at a hotel. Before I had a chance to get back in the taxi, it had gone and I didn’t know where I was. The man kissed me and I asked him what he intended on. He never said a thing, but grabbed me in such a way I knew it was either in the hotel or in the street. This is the bit that really upsets me. I just went with it. I could have yelled, kicked him, ran away or even said something to the receptionist but I just went in with him, holding his hand, because I couldn’t be bothered with the drama. I just lay there, crying, telling him I wanted to go home as he raped me. It was painful and humiliating.
I know what happened is in no way my own fault, but I certainly didn’t do enough to stop it. Going to the police would be useless, as there is absolutely no evidence I was raped and I was so drunk I can hardly remember the guy’s face (kind of grateful for that, to be honest). I have told some friends, most of whom have been very helpful and supportive. I seem to have come into a deep depression and it’s difficult to go through this without my family’s understanding- however, telling them would not go down well. They are not the most understanding of people and have often protested about my drinking habits. They see me as reckless and irresponsible, and would be so furious they would never give me the comfort and support I need. I plan on getting some counseling, I just don’t know whether to explain to my parents why.
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A. Sorry for the delay, first let me start by saying if I were in your shoes I would start the counseling first and then take the direction on how to deal with your parents from the counselor. Also, not sure if you have one yet but you can go to rainn.org and find the nearest on to you that specializes in rape. You need to get your head straight and strong before having to deal with others and their judgments. Unfortunately, I did it the opposite and all it did was add to the issues I had to deal with and ultimately took me longer to do. So get your head straight so whatever comes at you doesn’t effect your confidence level of who you are and what you know. And if you don’t like the counselor, don’t give up get another. You’re worth it and remember this doesn’t define you in any way it only defines the asshole that did this to you. Stay strong! Lynn
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I was molested as a child and raped as a young adult. It’s been about 7 years since my rape and I’ve recently moved back to my home town, which is the place it happened in. I don’t think I’ve ever really dealt with either of the issues and it has continually caused problems for me, my jobs, friendships and my relationships. I used to drink all the time to forget and I’ve used drugs on and off for a long time now. I’m trying to stop using once again but am being flooded with emotions and things that I’m still not ready to deal with. I did try counseling for a while and the Dr. was great, really caring and sweet, but unless I’m on something I can’t even get the words to come out of my mouth. I constantly feel bad about myself, I don’t drink anymore, which is a good thing but now I can’t sleep until I’m to exhausted to even move. I can’t stand it anymore. I have a three year old wonderful boy, who I believe saved my life and I love him with all my heart, but I’m scared that I’ll never be the mom he deserves if I can’t somehow deal with these demons. I put on a big front for everyone now and I try to smile and play my way through the day with my little boy but inside I constantly feel like I’m just on the verge of exploding and I need to find a way of dealing with this before that happens.
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J. If you are still feeling this way then that means you still need counseling and if you have a good counselor you must stick with it. Here is what you do. I want you to start writing out your feelings sometime before bed. This will be a mental release for you to help you sleep better. Then I want you to take your writings to your counselor to open a dialog since you feel you can’t just open up on your own. this will help identify some of your trigger points and you and the counselor can help figure out how to deal with them. I think another great thing that would help you is to take a self defense class, not only will it help your sense of security but it will help build confidence and get a great physical and mental workout to help release that bad energy and promote healthy sleep. You have to continue to help yourself and I promise these things will help. Stay strong! Lynn
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Hi,
I’ve been with my g/f for 2 months, we’ll say her name is ‘X’, and 2 days ago she told me about how she was raped at the age of 12, 15, and 17, all by 3 different guys, guys she knew and trusted. After she told me, I said she needs to seek help, as she hasn’t talked to anyone about it before. That night ‘X’ talked to one of her workers and the worker has set up a counsellor with experience in sexual assault. When she spoke to the worker she told her about another incident she wasn’t sure was rape or not, and the worker said it was. ‘X’ went to a party when she was 18 and there were meant to be other girls there, but there wasn’t and there were 9 guys. They fed her drinks all night till she was paralytic, so she went to sleep in a bed in a room by herself. One by one each of the 9 guys came in and had their way with her. She feels really bad about this, and has flashbacks of each time every few days, and because I’m new to this, it’s like I’m having flashbacks of what could’ve happened and I’m picturing it in my head and thinking the worse. I couldn’t even think of how hard it is for her if I’m thinking like this. I don’t know what to do, in terms of helping her and supporting her. She was worried I’d hate her, think she’s disgusting, and leave her. I feel closer to her than I’ve ever felt to anyone ever before, and I want to be there by her side and help her through all of this. I’m trying my best to be strong for her, but emotion easily shows up if it’s talked about – with or without her around. ‘X’ is constantly feeling like it was her fault and puts all the blame on herself because it’s happened so many times by so many different people. She constantly feels like she’s ugly, fat, and has very low self esteem and low self confidence. She is a beautiful girl, and everyone thinks the world of her. I just want her to think the world of herself. She deserves it.
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A. I’m so glad to hear that you want to stick by her and support her, that makes you a very special person. She MUST seek professional help and stick with it, so hopefully she will like this counselor she is going to. If for some reason she doesn’t don’t let her give up, tell her she is worth it and deserves the help. It won’t be easy BUT it will be worth it in the long run. The first thing she needs to realize though is that it is not her fault, none of it. Explain to her that if she thinks it was her fault because she was drinking or because at an early age she totally trusted someone then that means anyone who drinks or trusts someone is asking to be raped and we all know that isn’t true. Tell her the rape doesn’t define her it only defines the person that did this to her as a rapist. Also she is the only one that knows exactly what happened so tell her this – Ask her if she had a daughter that went through exactly what she went through would she blame her daughter? You know she would say “no”, so then why blame herself? maybe that will help her understand better that it is NOT her fault. Once she beleives that deep down she will be open to the road to recovery from therapy because she won’t feel ashamed of herself. She needs to get mad at the people sho did this to her and not let them take one more minute of her life away. Rape is about control and she is still letting it control her. She needs to get mad and say I’m not letting them have another day and take her life back. As far as you are concerned, the only thing you can do is be there for her in a non judgmental way (like you are) and be a should to cry on and a hug when she needs it, that’s about all you can do. She has to help herself and you can’t push it. Hope that helps! Stay strong, Lynn
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L,
I was raped March 2009. It took me 4 months to tell anyone. It still haunts me to this day. I have done everything I can to make it better, to make it stop haunting me. But I still have terrible nightmares and feel dirty because of it. I can’t find anything to make the pain stop. It is beginning to overwhelm me as it did the weeks following the rape. I don’t know what else to do. Please help me find a way to finally heal.
-J
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J. I can give you a few things to try immediately at home but the main thing you must do is get professional counseling. No one wants to because they want to do it themselves. But it never works because we are not wired as humans to know how to deal with it, so you must seek counseling. If you don’t believe me there are over 1,000 posts on this website and you won’t find one person, not a one, that was able to do it themselves. Even if they thought they did it comes up later and continues to haunt them. So call your local crisis center or go to rainn.org to find a counselor near you. The longer you wait the longer it will take in counseling too, so remember that. In the meantime, to help with your bad dreams, before you go to bed at night, like maybe 30 minutes before write out all you feelings on paper. It doesn’t matter what it is, just get all your thoughts out on paper. Next time something triggers bad thoughts, write that out too, no matter what time of the day it is. This is a mental release that eventually will help you sleep better. I even suggest taking what you’ve written as triggers to your counselor to help open you up and address specific problems you are having. Another thing is the very first thing you need to do to start the healing process is to truly believe that it wasn’t your fault and that this doesn’t define you as a person, only the rapist that did this to you. So take those feelings of being dirty and release them from you and put them where they belong, on the dirtbag that did this to you. But know in your heart, it isn’t your fault. Not because of where you were, what you wore, what you did, there is no excuse for rape, period. So try to and take those bad feelings off your shoulders and blame him. You are still a beautiful person and your future is what you make of it. And you deserve a good future, so put the time and effort in. It’s not easy but nothing in life worth having is easy, and you are worthy of a good life again. Something else that might help you is to take a self defense class. And try and surround yourself with a good support group. Even if it is only one person that you truly trust. Open up to them and ask them to be your support group. Let them know you don’t expect them to heal you, you just need someone to be there 24/7 when you need them, as an ear to listen or a should to cry on, just be there that’s all you need, while you get the professional help to heal. Stay strong! Lynn
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I would like to add my story also, I was raped by my best friend…
I’ve known him for years & we are so close, we work in the same place & i have been flat mates for 2 years. My family love him & my friends adore him.
I have personally been out of a relationship for 3 years & haven’t dated anyone. I finally ended up going on a couple of dates & he started acting wierd i.e. always asking where i am & i caught him going through my phone several times.
The other day i came back from my date & went straight into my room, i woke up with him on top of me, i struggled but he was far too strong and it was too late… it only lasted minutes and he didn’t cum inside me, he pulled back and sobbed. After i hit him & slapped him, i burst into tears, he kept apologising and saying he couldn’t help it, he didn’t know what he was doing, he went on by saying he has been obsessed with me for years.
At this point i was screaming & crying he then went on to say he’s was going to commit suicide. As much as i hated him, i ran after him whilst he grabbed a knife & put it next his wrist, i stupidly fought him to get it away from him, it dropped to the floor he then pushed me to the side to try & get onto the balcony saying he was going to jump… at this point i was crying & pleading for him to come back inside, i tryed to pull him in, i even went to the length of saying i won’t tell anyone & i loved him. None of this worked, so i called the police, he then ran inside & stole the phone off me. He hung up fell to the floor and sobbed &i promised i wouldn’t say anything to stop him jumping as he kept trying for the door. The police turned up minutes later & he kept saying how could i do this to him, i was terrified he would turn to suicide, so i told the police that i overeacted.
He has now moved out the flat, i still see him at work, i hate him so much but a part of me wants him in my life, i almost long for him, i’m so conflicted. I loved him as a friend so much, i see him joking round at work, talking about his girlfriend and it makes me feel sick. My emotions are all over the place, i’m lost and i don’t know what to do…
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Trying to forgive even to get over what happened its been 10 years
For creating all the silent pain that I can’t describe but is always there, the anger, the sadness mistrust in every relationship I’ve ever had and how much he fucked me up. I’ve always just kept everything in not really been able to have a normal relationship with anyone not been able to be open. I’ve never trusted one person…I thought I have but I really haven’t I really I don’t even think I have loved anyone before properly I don’t think I know how to. I feel damaged I know I am missing something that everyone else has and can see. something was taken its been to long now I just want to be over this shit it shouldn’t be hurting this bad anymore its not that he fucked me or torched me those thing are gone it doesn’t hurt it’s the mental damage its been so long why is it still haunting me I want a normal relationship I want to be normal Nobody can understand how much this fucked up shit affects you though ever thing in your life. I feel like the rest of my life keeps moving living day to day there is always a part of me that stayed still. ready to go but I can’t move that same part of me that was burnt so deeply from that one fucking night that it becomes normal to live like this to let a fucked up thing that happened years ago shape how I opened myself up and allowed people in my life, and then I shut them out. I wish I could just let it go so the rest of my life could be normal but I think it’s me I don’t think I can change it I don’t think I can change me. Even when life is good everything is good there’s always that doubt there is always that something I’m not enough. I just want that missing part of me back. I just want this to be something that goes away it’s been so long I’m tired of dealing with it, I’ve tried so hard i know I have to change but I can’t I want to talk to someone and tell them how I feel an how much this shit has to do with how I am but I just can’t do it.
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S. Well I’m glad to hear that you want to talk to someone because that is exactly why it is haunting you this bad and for this long because you haven’t had the release and help you need through professional counseling. Let me give you a suggestion that I’m hoping will help you. You state you want to talk but you can’t. So start writing out your feelings. Write about what happened and how it has affected you. Write about the feelings you go through on a daily basis as you did here but be more specific, especially when you have triggers. Then I want you to go to a counselor and give them what you wrote to start your counseling without you having to actually talk about it. this is only for the beginning until you start to feel comfortable enough to talk and ask for questions and advice. The writing will work 2 ways, the first to help you get to counseling and get the help you deserve and need and second as a mental release so your brain gives you a break once in a while. A lot of the times I suggest writing like an hour or two before bed to see if your sleep improves. Try that and then get to a counselor because the longer you wait the longer it will take. And keep in mind I know you think talking to a counselor is too hard but truthfully do you think it’s gonna be harder than the hell you’ve lived the last 10 years? Just bite the bullet and do it, you and your life or WORTH IT! Stay strong Lynn
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I am 16 and was raped two months ago in a different country. I have been visiting this country for the past 5 years as my family have a holiday house there, and i have always found this place really safe. I was there with my mother, father, brother and two friends, we went to a series of local bars where a familier waiter followed us, we went to the final bar around 11:00 pm and around 30 minutes later the waiter turned up. My family started talking to him and he was really friendly, telling us he was only working for the summer and how he wanted to come to england to learn english. around 1:00 am a 50year old english man appeared with one of my parents friends he was really strange telling me he wanted to do dirty things with me while taking down his pants and asking if i wanted drugs i said no in disgust and walked away. My mum, brother and friend went home around 1:30, leaving me, my father and other friend at the bar. At 2:00am the waiter offered me and my father a drink, which we both accepted. My friend was in the toilette and didnt feel well so shouted for help, the waiter got my father and lead him to the toilet, while he was in the toiletter i just felt a hand around my wrist pulling me towards a grassy area by the lake, while i was being pulled i felt really really drunk and asif my legs could not hold me, but i did not drink. I remember being pushed towards the foor and horrific pain in the front, i tried to shout and fight but my body felt parylised. Then i was turned over and felt the pain in the back and i went unconscious. i do not remember getting home at all my memory was very blurry. My friend asked the waiter (who was on his way home) where i and my father was but he said he did not know he had to go home. Melissa went back to bar for help, while she was trying to explain i turned up asif i had just droped out of the sky she said. She took me home where i cried to my mum ‘hes hurt me mum hes hurt me’. My dad was missing and could not be found until around 5:30. My mum rung the police to say id been raped. while i was in the interview room a women came in to say a young waiter had said he had consentual sex with me that night, but i carried on to tell them that was i lie and i was raped, i went through test after test, and had to have an interview with my rapest they sat me infront of him face to face. the police was very currupt and i wanted to come home so i returned to england where i had tests and evidence collected, That night i was drugged with GHB and had 39 injuries to my body.
i need help trying to deal with my emotions ….
I really liked the waiter and cant come to terms with him being my rapest. The truth is i will never no the truth and whether it was him or not as his dna wasnt collected and that night i can only rememeber a presence. I feel asif i have a ‘Bond’ with him and cant release the guilt i feel. When we was in the inerview room he made me feel so sorry for him saying that he really liked me and hed never do anything to hurt me! am finding it so hard to come to terms that i was raped and not knowing the truth! x
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A. He obviously knew what he was doing and i can pretty much guarantee it wasn’t his first time. You did the right thing by reporting him and now he is on the radar of the police as he should be. I’m horrified that they put you two in the same room, that is just unheard of. You need to get into counseling immediately because it is the only thing that is gonna help you get through this. Go to rainn.org and try and find the nearest counselor to you. Even the doctor who ran the tests might be able to suggest a counselor for you. Just remember the rape doesn’t define you just the guy that did this to you as a rapist. So get yourself into counseling and I promise it will help you deal with these feelings. And if you have triggers of emotions write them down so you can talk to the counselor about the specifics so you can learn to control them. And whatever you do don’t feel sorry for the guy because rape is about control, not you, and by him playing on your emotions is his way of staying in control. Don’t fall for it, this guy is a rapist. Just remember that. Stay strong! Lynn
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I was raped when I was 14 by a guy I had met when I was waiting for my friends we were gnna go to the cinema..I’d see him around before with people I was familiar with,, they were late so we went to his and had a drink.. I don’t know why I was so stupid I .. Well we listened to some music and he got me a drink, after about 20 minutes I tried to get up n I coudlnt feel my legs I fell over it was like I was paralysed.. He picked me up and took me into his bedroom n locked the door I won’t go into graphic detail but I was on my period aswell.. He raped me and for years I’ve been in denial and nt accepted it I’m 18 now its destr oyed my life my confidence is gone, he even sent me a message a month ago on fb I don’t know how he found me.. Telling me he didn’t do it.. But he did I feel I have to justify myself I shudnt. I don’t know how to get past this , I want the old me so do my family.. But I don’t know what to do anymore
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blue, first thing change your facebook or take it down altogether because anytime this creep contacts you it will be detrimental. Second thing is get into counseling. I can promise you going through the rape and every aspect of how it affected your life is harder than going to counseling. The sooner you go the sooner you will feel you have control of your life again. We all want to go back to how we were but it’s never gonna happen unless we work at it with the right people and the only people that can help are professionals because only they or other rape survivors understand and can help. Call your local crisis center or try rainn.org, both will work with the financials. Stay strong! Lynn
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I was raped twice by the same guy. I was 14 at the time and he was 18. I blamed myself for a long time because I did consent to having sex with him the first time. The first time he raped me, he had brought over a joint and got me and my brother high. I later went to my room for something and he came in, shut the door and climbed on me. I clearly told him I didn’t want to. He didn’t listen and I felt ashamed, but at the same time blaming myself. The second time he called my house and kept saying he was coming over. I told him that he wasn’t coming over and hung up. My dad was in the hospital at that time having open heart surgery and he knew nobody was home except me. He shows up and brings a friend with him. He kept saying he wanted to talk to me and took e by the arm into my bedroom. This time was more forced and found out later he brought his friend there to watch and the friend told people he went into the bathroom and jerked off. His friend told some people what had happened like it was cool. I had to watch where I went for awhile because a mutual friend came into a pool hall where I was and ordered me to get into his car and and not to go behind the building and smoke like I normally would. Come to find out he and several guys were waiting on me and were going to have have sex with me. They had done this to acouple other girls. I can’t over the humiliation and disgusting feeling. I’m now 32
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T. This is exactly why I tell people that have been raped by someone they know to either report it or at the very least tell someone close to you that can help protect you. Also take the means to protect yourself through a self defense class. When you don’t tell because you are ashamed or humiliated then the rapist remains in control thinking that they can possibly do it again. That is exactly what happened to you. I understand why you felt this way but you must remember the rape doesn’t define you, it only defines this person as a rapist. You need to stop beating yourself up with feelings of humiliation and put all those feelings where they belong, towards him not yourself. You also need to forgive yourself because you didn’t do anything wrong other than trust this wouldn’t happen. As soon as you can do this you will feel better. Just think of it like as long as you are beating yourself up he is still in control of your life. Take back your life and don’t let him be in control anymore. Forgive yourself and look forward and not back, because the past can’t be changed. But you can take control of your future. If you can’t do it on your own seek a professional counselor that could help. But don’t let another day go by of him being in control of your future. Stay strong! Lynn
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I was raped about 6 months ago. I went to a bar with friends and had a few drinks, someone offered me a drink and I drank it as I was a bit tipsy by this point. I went very suddenly from feeling tipsy to ‘out if control’. The next thing I know a stranger is fingering me by the bar, I felt uncomfortable and went to the toilets. The next day my friend told me shed found me crying in the toilet even though I had no recoglection of this. After the toilets she went for a dag and I went to dance. The next bit is very blurry. Some guy lead me out of the bar and I tried to go back and tried to say no. He was very persuasive. I woke in the morning in his bed with no clothes on and bruises all over my body. I think my drink was spiked as I have no memory and think I passed out. So sure my drink was spiked. I’m 18 and that was me loosing my virginity – is it rape? The situation has been haunting me and I cry everyday.
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A. Unfortunately yes that was rape and one of the most common kinds so don’t feel foolish or ashamed. You need to know that this doesn’t define you, it only defines this person who did this to you as a rapist. Please don’t except drinks from men unless you are sitting at the counter and you watch it being pored or bottle being opened. Otherwise always get your own drinks. You need to talk to a counselor that can help you get through this, especially with the added facts that you were a virgin. The first step is to truly believe that this was not your fault. These people that do this are complete predators that like to be in control. That is what rape is – it’s not about you or me – it’s about being in control and how long and how many can you control. And everyday you let go by without seeking professional help through counseling/therapy is another day this person is still controlling you through your emotions. The best way to get back is work, really work for your happiness. That means getting your head on straight and once you do that there will be things you can let go of. You won’t forget but the power of letting go is worth every second of work you put into it through counseling and learning coping mechanisms that you can use daily. Then you will eventually start focusing on whats important – your future. The past can’t be changed but your future is wide open in front of you and he doesn’t deserve one more minute of your future. Stay strong! Lynn
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hi 2 years ago i went to a going away party. i was only drinking soft drink as alcohol can counter act my meds . im still bit blurred bout what happened but one minute Im chatting to someone the next minute Im waking up in someone’s bed. i didnt kno where i was. 2 weeks later i find out i was pregnant. still to this day i Dont kno Hiw to let go. its affected my whole life. i love my daughter . but i want to get over it.
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Y. Unfortunately this happens more often than people think and the best way to help improve your future and put this behind you is through counseling. Not only do you need the counseling for yourself right now but you will need to know how to handle your daughter when she needs to know where her daddy is. I know it is hard but it is the best thing for both of you to have a good future. So go to rainn.org and try and find the nearest counselor to you that specializes in rape. The more emotions you let out the more room you have to heal. You obviously are ready for help or you wouldn’t have come here. So go get the help you need and deserve for you and your daughter. I promise trying to act like it didn’t happen or hiding your feelings doesn’t work, and all the posts on this website prove it. Stay strong! Lynn
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Hi, I am just wondering if there are good ways to tell if you were raped. A few nights ago I went to a club with some friends. It was out in the middle of nowhere and I had some drinks and blacked out. My friends say I wandered off twice and couldn’t find me the second time. I think I remember leaving, getting lost, and hailing a taxi to a park near my house. Nothing was stolen from me, which is a good sign that nothing else happened to me, I think. I have a couple big scratches on my thigh but that could be from falling over? I am really freaked out and never drinking at a club again.
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A. I’m pretty sure if intercourse happened you would know it, especially if it was forced. So that leads me to believe that it probably didn’t happen, thank God! Always be careful! Lynn
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I was seeing this guy for a while when i was 14 and he was 16. we would usually just watch a movie together and sometimes make out and cuddle. One night he brought out some vodka and we started drinking, watching a few movies and we began making out. He asked me to come into his room with him and at first i said no but then i agreed. I noticed i was getting pretty drunk and he was wanting to have sex so i told him i wasnt ready to lose my virginity and i wanted to wait until i had a steady boyfriend and i started crying. Thats the last thing i remember of the night other than stumbling home. I guess i blacked out for a bit (which i know is my fault for drinking so much and trusting him) but he told me the next day that we had sex. Ive been talking to a councellor latley about my depression but i havent been able to talk about this experience because i honestly dont know if its my fault, and if she’ll be able to help me get over it. Please help. How do i go about bringing this up? I havent ever talked about it with anyone and its been 4 years.
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B. Let me start first by letting you know that in NO WAY was this your fault, not even because you were drinking. That is like saying that every girl that drinks too much deserves to be raped and we both know that isn’t true. Lets look at the facts.. You said you didn’t want to loose your virginity and that is saying no. The only thing you did (and it also wasn’t wrong) was trust him, as we all do at some point. Trusting someone is a good trait. But the fact that they violate that trust is all on them. So let me be clear YOU DID NOTHING TO DESERVE this and in no way are you at fault. He took advantage of you and your vulnerability. And you absolutely need to talk about it to your counselor. Start by saying that you do know what is causing some of your depression but you didn’t know how to bring it up but now you are ready and you would like their help. It’s as simple as that. BUT you must go in with the mindset that this was not your fault. Once you release those feelings it will help you overcome your depression. But that anger and guilt where it belongs – on the person that did this to you. I’m glad you are getting counseling because that already tells me how strong willed you are so now just take it to the next step of being honest and open. That is the reason it is still bothering you so bad. Once you open up and truly believe it’s not your fault it will truly help you! Stay strong! Lynn
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I’m reading over previous comments and I’m not happy, I’m hoping this will help people like me ….. I know this was a long time ago but I need to get it out there.,., 12 years ago my grandfather died, now we were close , so the only way I could deal with my grief was to drink a fair bit… I would never get too drunk to know what I was doing.. But on this occasion a guy I knew from the bars I drink in took it upon himself to “comfort” me…… Now as far as memory goes , I don’t remember leaving the club , let alone getting home. Woke the next morning with blood in my underwear…. And by the way I’m a guy … Now I feel ashamed and disgusted when I even look in the mirror, and this is 12 yars later… Does it ever get better
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J. It will and can get better but you have to work at it. I know it sucks that we as the victims have to suffer with all these feelings and then work at it just to survive but we do. When I say work at it, I mean through professional counseling. trying to focus on the future and not the past. Learning to forgive yourself for whatever you are feeling ashamed of, because you didn’t do anything wrong. You have to learn to stop living in the past. You have to believe that this doesn’t define you, only the person that did this to you. All these things are necessary in the healing process. But most importantly the counseling is a necessity and to prove it – its been 12 years. So get the help you deserve and need and don’t let your pride stop you because it hasn’t helped the last 12 years. You either want a good life and will work for it or you can live in the past which can not be changed. I think you’ve lived there long enough, don’t you? Stay strong! Lynn
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When I was 14 years old a boy locally begin to text me, I felt smitten at first as this was the first ever boy to really text or like me. One night he texted me looking to meet, he was a lot older than me and I was unsure of my feelings of exticement to meet him. But that night he lifted me and took me to a nearby barn , he had said by text that we where going on a proper date to the cinema so of course silly as I was I said yes. At the barn he keep asking me questions of what I would like to do to him or what he would like to do to me. I was confused. He told me that normal couples do this. I lead to believe this as I had no experience with boys. It all happened so fast next thing I knew was he had pinned me down and the sharp pain. I remember fighting to get him of and him laughing I was never as sacred in my entire life. I blacked out from the pain and shock and woke up outside my house, the next day was the hardest I was un sure what to do or say to my family i am a only child and felt I couldn’t trust anyone. I remember making up excuses for all my bruises saying it was from falling of my horse I was so ashamed and knew my family would be upset with knowing I lost my virginity so carelessly. I came from a outgoing bubbly confident girl to a distant and private. I am now 18 and have a boyfriend who is the first person I’ve told, he comforts me when I cry or need support but doesn’t understand or want to about the pain that I’ve been holding lately. However Recently i have over heard him with friends talking about rape and how it’s became un heard of lately, he and his friends joked about rape while I was present. I was soo upset with this as my bf knows about my past. I’m confused, he doesnt understand the feelings ive been through. I can’t loose him as his my rock his the one who’s supported me.
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S. First I’m so sorry that you had to go through this and didn’t have the support you needed. And I hate to tell you this but your BF is not your rock nor is he supporting you the way you need if he is mocking rape in front of you. the fact that he is doing that and even talking to his friends about it is disrespecting you to your face and not caring. How is that being your rock? It’s the actual opposite. You sound like a very strong girl to go through this and hold it in so now you have to be strong enough to confront him and tell him how it made you feel and if he ever does it again or if you even hear from someone else he ever does it things are over between you. And that is being easy on him because I personally would have walked away forever the first time it happened. That is such disrespect that if he does it once it truly shows he doesn’t care about your feelings. Which is why he doesn’t want to talk about it or try to understand because he doesn’t care as much or either doesn’t believe you. Especially if he is saying “rape is unheard of lately” because I know for a fact by the statistics that rape is more prevalent in this world than ever before. So his words and actions prove several things #1) He doesn’t know the facts, #2) He doesn’t care about knowing the facts if he is mocking them and #3) He doesn’t care about your feelings (which is the most important). I sure hope you aren’t having sex with him because if you are I bet thats what interests him the most in the relationship, not so much you. I know this is hard to hear but anyone who is supportive and empathetic would NEVER do such things EVER. So the ball is in your court. You can choose to continue the relationship which means you accept his behavior knowing he is NOT a good support system and will ultimately hurt your chance at a healthy relationship. Or you can choose to be strong and recognize what he is doing (even though you truly care for him) and stand up for yourself and walk away. I’d rather be alone anyday than be with someone that did that. There is someone out there for you that won’t do that. And just a little more advice, you should always tell your sexual partner that you were raped BEFORE having sexual relations because that’s when you determine if they can be empathetic and try and deal with the situation or if they can’t and walk away. BUT never give them the details because that isn’t the person that you need to tell that to. You need to get professional counseling, still even though it was so long ago, but that is who you confide the details to NOT your partner. when you tell them all the details is when questions or doubts come into play and it’s not there issue to question or doubt. All they need to know is the fact that you were raped. And you can ask them to be patient with you. But if you can tell them you are going or have been to counseling for it, it takes the pressure off them because they know you are helping yourself and they know you are getting help that they can’t give because they don’t know how to. And you can honestly say all you need from them is a shoulder to cry on or to feel safe with them and to be patient in case something triggers you. They won’t doubt you or mock rape if they know you have either rec’d counseling or in it, I promise you. And more importantly you will learn the difference of really having a caring relationship, than just one you are in because you feel safe or want the love. There is a big difference and you need to recognize that. So try and get the counseling you need because the rest of your life and all you healthy relationships depend on it. Stay strong. Lynn
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I am 29 and was molested when I was 15 and raped by an ex-boyfriend when I was 24. i have never received any councilling and up until recently have been coping with it all. After the last incident My current boyfriend was with me, he has been very supportive and even got me the morning after pill the next day, he tried to convince me to go to the police but I couldn’t,since this was my second incident I felt ashamed,guilty and defeated. My family knows of the molestation which was done by a family friend and its been a topic we don’t discuss though they in silence have been very supportive and loving. My current boyfriend I trust and though our relationship has become a long distance one recently I can’t seem to let go of him. I have forgiven my assulters even greet them since we live in a small country I see them every other month. My boyfriend has been bringing up my past events alot lately and I can see it bothers him a lot, and we touched on the topic yet not discussed it. And because of this I am getting all these emotions again, fear being the most evident. He keeps saying he just wants me for him and a few days ago on a visit while being intimate he went into a different mode,saying he just wants me for him but being rough with me to a point I got upset and pushed him away. I don’t know what to do and starting wih myself is the first step as I have read in your notes but I am scared. How can all this happen now,I’ve managed my emotions-controling them not people get to close even emotionally and every wall just seems to crumble now and the person that was my pillar is also crumbling. i’m scared to open to this feelings and have it make me feel like a victim and not a survivor-forging myself..how?
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N.N.D. I’m glad your boyfriend supported you through your time but I think you need to let him go now. If someone is going to support you it needs to be ALWAYS, not just some of the time. His actions now are dangerous and you must let him go. You also need to NOT ever speak to your rapist again. I’m confused as to why you think this is OK because it’s not and I can only assume IF your boyfriend knows that you speak to your rapist, that he is confused as well. Rape is about control and the fact that you did not report and still talk to him (even if only every 3 months) you are upping the risk of him doing it again to you. He will think he still controls you and it can very possibly happen again. So PLEASE STAY AWAY from this person at all times. That is exactly how and why people are raped more than once by the same person, because your rapist still feels in control. So get some pepper spray or take a self defense class if there is even a 1% possibility of running into him but do your best to stay as far away as possible or you could be setting yourself up. And I want you to get the proper counseling you need, because it is the only thing that is going to truly help you. Between your molestation at such an early age and then your rape it is necessary. You deserve to be happy and have a great future (and your current boyfriend is not the one) so please help yourself do that. Stay strong! Lynn
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I was raped 10 years ago. I was in college and I worked for security on campus. One of the non studant guards and I became friends I was 18 he was probably 40, I knew his wife also. There was no smoking on campus and he would take me off campus at night for a cigrette. This was something we did through the first semester and we were friends I trusted him. My second semester our friendship continued, we went to smoke one night and he said he needed to run by his house to get a key he forgot, he lived in an apt complex down the street and many students lived there so it was normal for security to patrol there escort studants etc. so I went with him figured I’d see his wife, no big deal. I knew it was a bad situation right away, his wife wasn’t home and porn was on the tv when we walked in, like he planned it. I wanted to leave but it was a really bad neighborhood I was scared to leave and scared to stay. I stayed I told him no, I told him to take me home and eventually just did what he wanted because it was happening one way or the other.
I’ve lived so long with this, only a few people know. I was drinking alot after and I started sleeping around. I feel numb about it still.
My question though is my cousin is planning to go to school there (he is no longer working there as far as o know) and over thanksgiving we were talking about that school and I said I didn’t really like it. My mom said “be honest you didn’t do well because you were busy partying” (she doesn’t know what happened) sometimes I feel like I should tell her because these things have come up before and I hate having to pretend like shes right. I’ve thought about writing to the school too, they still send me crap asking for donations & I’m sick of getting them. But at the same time I think what good would come from that?
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B. Honestly you didn’t do anything wrong so I wished you could let go of the shame. Rape doesn’t define you only the person that did this to you. Asking the school to take you off the mailing list is enough (so you don’t have the constant reminder). I would be honest with your cousin, especially if she goes to that school and you not knowing if he works there or not. If you feel it would help your mom understand the rape and she would give you support then I would tell her as well. If you don’t feel like she would support you then don’t. But whether or not you tell them you need to get counseling so you can move on and deal with it the right way. Again you did nothing wrong. All you did was trust him and he is the one that did wrong by taking advantage of that trust. Everyday that goes by that you are carrying this burden he is still in control. Rape is about control not you and he has been in control for 10 years, isn’t that enough? I know you would like to put this behind you and work towards happiness in your future. Counseling will get you there and then you can take back control of your life because he will no longer control your thoughts, emotions and actions. You can call your local crisis center or go to rainn.org and find a counselor close to you. It’s been 10 years, counseling if worth a try I promise. It’s not easy but it’s easier than what you went through that night and going through for 10 years. You and your future are worth it. Stay strong! Lynn
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I was raped over 10 years ago while in college. It was by a friend and afterward he told all of our friends I was worthless. I didn’t know what to do or who to talk to so I didn’t tell anyone for the first year. The two people I tried to tell told me it was too difficult for them to hear and we never talked about it. So I didn’t talk about it for years thereafter. About 3 years ago I did find someone I could talk to. In fact, he actually asked me about it one night before I told him because I still couldn’t stand to be touched. And while he didn’t leave me he has also never asked about it and so I’ve still never really talked to anyone about what happened that night. For most of the year I am okay with what happened. But I’m coming up on the time of year it occurred and each year I start to become very insecure in my relationships, I get depressed and I tend to pick fights with my friends who would be there the best they could. However, it has been a long time and the couple of people who do know think I should be past all of this. But it seems to get worse every year and for the first time this year I am starting to have nightmare associated with the event. How do I regain control and how do I begin to explain my behavior to my friends? Thank you in advance for any advice
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V. In order to regain control, the only way bottom line is through counseling. We are not put on this earth with our brains knowing how to deal with such and event. The only people that can help you are those who have been through it OR through counselors or therapists who have been trained. So you can either try group counseling where you will make lifelong bonds or if you aren’t into group therapy you can get private counseling. Yours friends don’t want to talk about it because they don’t know how to help. A lot of times they do the wrong things which make it worse, like distancing themselves because they don’t want to talk. When they should be there for you, not worrying about how they feel. But it is only out of ignorance NOT because of you so try not to take it personally. As far as someone you want to be in a relationship with you must tell them BEFORE you have sex with them. You DO NOT need to give details nor should you (that is only for counseling) but you need to tell them you are a rape survivor. If you can also tell them you are in counseling, this takes the pressure off of them (to do the right thing). You can tell them you are getting the help you need from a professional and all you ask from them is to be there to hug you and make you feel safe, thats it. Once you tell them that, they feel like you are being strong and doing the right thing and they look up to you and want to be there for you (IF it’s the right person). If they don’t have empathy or feel like they aren’t ready for the situation then it’s better you know before you have sex than after, because then you are more emotionally involved. So hopefully you are able to get the counseling you need because only then can you regain control. Stay strong! Lynn
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I was raped almost 3 years ago by my ex boyfriend. I was 13 when it happened. His sisters found out and told everyone at middle school & high school making my life a living hell. I’m 16 now and the pain is getting worse. I refuse to think about how he raped me every day for 6 months.. My only family members that know are my grandmothers & my cousin. I wont tell my parents because i dont want them to feel the guilt and i dont want them to ruin that kids life either. I want to talk to someone but I’m scared. I feel so alone. For a year I was in denial and recently its been hitting me like a ton of bricks. I want to tell my mom… but I’m scared..
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S. Well you obviously need to talk to someone because you are here. That is a big first step in the healing process so stop worrying about everyone else and put you first. The sooner you do that the quicker you will start to heal. And when I mean talk to someone I mean a counselor. You can either talk to a counselor at school who I’m sure can recommend someone or if you have health insurance you can go through your plan but your parents would need to know. You can also call your local crisis center and ask for help for rape counseling from them. As far as your mom, put yourself in her shoes. If this happened to your daughter would you want her to be able to come to you or would you be more hurt if you found out and she felt she couldn’t come to you. If you aren’t sure then maybe talk to the counselor about how to approach it with your mom. But one thing I know for sure is it isn’t going away until you take care of yourself through counseling. Stay strong, Lynn
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im 13 years old now but im going to start my story…my mom meet my biological dad when they were both drunk but that night they ended up getting together. my mom didnt want a kid but i guess she had me. the day she brought me home my grandpa was waiting for me even when i was a baby i felt safe around him it felt like he was my dad. my mom was never around for me for five years so he watched me, on July 2,2004 my grandpa died he always kept me from my dad and i really didnt know why but he did but when he dided there was no one for me my cousins would come up to me and touch me and kiss me and hit but my mom didnt care, one day she met this guy they ended up sleeping together and having my brothers when i first met him i didnt like him but i had to live with him anyway. one day my biological dad came to come pick me up and i was so happy! i wore my best dress and i was 6 at the time but he took me way out there and he said my dress was to tight so he lefted it up took his pants off and had sex with me. he threw me in the back seat and kept trying but i didnt let him hurt me some more but when he dropped me off at home he told me not to tell anyone so i didnt until 2 years later…my mom didnt believe me and when i told the cops they said it was to late and they couldnt do anything about it so there was nothing to do until 2010 when he raped my little sister who was 4 and he raped my baby cousin and my cousin was a boy he had to go to jail and my mom and me kept getting letter from him but that comes later….when i turned 9 i got in trouble for not doing my chores we were at my grandmas house for a visit so my mom called lavon who was her boyfriend and told him to come and get me so he did. he was so mad at me cause he had to bring his simitruck so i had to go with him and when we got to this bus stop he told me to go in the back so i did he got in the back after me and told me to bend over to give me a spanken so i did until he told me stand up so i did and he said lets play dares i thought they would be fun dares but they werent and i was the one who had to do the dares and not give’em he told me to take off my clothes, take off his clothes. so he got on the bed naked and he told me to get on his dick and jump up and down and i had too then he told me to suck his dick and he had to lick my private and i was 9 he was 40 years older than me my mom was only 28. so the next say he told me not to say anything or it will ruin the family so i didnt. valentines day came along and it was the year of 2010 when they got married and he kept telling me he was marrying my mom for me. she was so happy with him my brothers had a dad and i didnt want to ruin that so everyday that he comes home from work he would go in my room and start having sex with me and he told me that if i ever got preganent i would have to say i had a boyfriend. but anyway one day i couldnt do this anymore and i told him to stop so he did the next day after i told him i had to go with him shopping and he kept looking at me weird like he hated me. but when we got home he kept saying why are u living with me? and i told him i have to he married me my mom. he kept getting mad at me and i started crying he kept trying to hug me and say im sorry but i kept pushing him away. my mom came in and saw i was crying but of course she was drunk like always but she kept crying and asking what happened and suddenly..i told her she jumped up and started pushing him away from me and we both ran out of the door we ran to his sisters house but that was such a good idea only one sister didnt believe me and the other one took us to the hospital we stayed there for awhile until the cops came, they kept adking me questions and then hours went by and they told me that i had to go in fostercare i looked at my brothers wanting them to come with me. they kept saying they couldnt come. they asked me if i ever cut myself and i told them i did and i also tried killing myself. but then the cops had to take me to my fosterfamily i liked them and then they took me to this other place where i had to talk about it. and then i had to go to another fosterhome and i loved it. but everyday since then i havent seen my brothers for a year and i miss them and my mom she didnt believe me so instead she chose her husband over me so i dont know what to think of her but the memories me and her had together are sad cuz everytime i think of her i always thought of how she hit me and tortured me and leaving me alone. my case is stll going on my foster family is now my family they adopted me as for my mom she is still with her husband and my brothers there living a good life but there not together i was the only one in fostercare one of my brothers live with one of my aunts and the other lives with my other aunt there doing great so far and also as far as i know anout my sister is that she is beautiful and is doing great. and as for me again i have bad memories of him and nightmares that seem real but anyway im L. im 13 years old i never had a good life but now i do. but as for my case i hope he goes to prison! my life is still awkward school is boring all the girls hate me. but thats school but…that was my life i still cry but i think i can live. i hope i can see my brothers and i hope he goes to prison. and if u were wandering what happened to my biological dad he went to prison for 40 years and a $250,000 fine so thank you for listening.
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L. I’m so sorry that you have been through so much especially at such a young age BUT I’m so HAPPY that you have a family that loves you now. You have a long life and now that you are with a family that can show you what real love is, because it is nothing that you have experienced so far, except from your Grandpa. I also bet your Grandpa is so happy for you too. I hope you get to see your brothers but as far as your Mom, I think you have a new Mom and I think that is best. So all that love you have to give, make sure you give it to the people that are treating you right. And try not to worry too much about kids at school, they can be mean but they aren’t people you have to live with the rest of your life so try to rise above them and ignore them. If you aren’t in counseling still and if you continue to have issues don’t be shy to ask for more counseling, it will help when you need it. Stay strong! Lynn
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I’ve been friends with benefits for 4 years. This past August we decided to finally start dating. I took him seriously and only dated him; come to find out he was still dating 3 other girls. I didn’t want to be apart of a secret relationship so I was breaking things off. He did not want to accept that things were going to be over romantically. He asked to come over to talk and I replied saying I was not going to have sex with him. He said he just wanted to talk. I had a bad day, my rent was going up, but long story short I got a bottle of wine and a pizza on my way home. He showed up later and had a beer and pizza with me. I said I was tired and we both went to sleep in my bed because we have spent many nights together in the same bed without sex. In fact we hadn’t had sex in over 2 weeks because I didn’t know who he was also sleeping with. I went to sleep and he stayed up watching tv. I woke up on my stomach to him ripping my pants off and crawling on top of me. When I tried to get away he used force. So my question is…we had been friends with benefits but I told him more then once I did not want sex, is that rape?
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J. Anytime someone forcibly has sex with you and you have not given consent is rape. This is a very common type (people that know each other and have had sex before) because then it is your word against theirs when you have had consensual sex. So many men think they can get away with it and unfortunately a lot do. If you want to do something then it’s best if you have some type of proof like picture of a bruise or if you still have the bruising. Have you washed the sheets or do you have any ripped clothing. do you still have the beer bottle he was drinking. Have you taken a shower. All these things can help. The best thing for people to do is go get a rape kit done and take any type of evidence you have. If it’s too late and you don’t have anything I would still report him because he might have a record and then that itself could help you and/or others who have filed a complaint. If you don’t or can’t do any of that at the very least stay as far away from this man as possible. Change your number, get a stun gun ($30 to $50). Take a self defense class, get some pepper spray something! The last thing you want is him coming back for more. What happens when a rape isn’t reported and it’s someone they know, they think they can get away with it again because you didn’t report. So be very careful. If you live in an apartment complex and you can’t move tell your leasing office or any grounds officers so they can keep an alert out for him. Just protect yourself as much as you can and when you can move away, do so. Stay strong! Lynn
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When i was 11 (in year 7/first year of high school) I was going out with a boy he was 16 (in year 11/last year of high school). We had been seeing eachother and going out for around 6-7 months, we used to hang around a lot out of school too, but i always went with my friend and he always went with his friend. I used to dance twice a week and had exams and shows coming up so had a lot of extra dancing to do so i was lucky to see him twice a week out of school at this point. One day he came to mine with his friend and I’d just got out the bath so quickly went and got dry and dressed then joined them on the PS2. His friend said he was going home for his karate lessons so left around a hour after they came. We stayed on the PS2 for a bit whilst my mum bobbed out to the shops. We were very close so we lied down on the bed and cuddled and kissed and he was hard down there and lied on top of me and tried it on, immediatly i said what are you doing? and he said come on so i said no. Dispite this he ragged my trousers down and my top off and put it up me, all i can remember is it hurting but blanking it out. Afterwards he got up got dressed and went. I went straight out of the house and saw my other friend as we were sort of seeing each other as i wasn’t in a “serious” relationship and was in a “open one”. He knew something was wrong immediatly but i shoved it to the back of my head and just had a chat with him.. i looked up about the morning after pill and decided right i have to go and tell him today whilst i still can! (whilst i had the courage) So i told my friend all about what had happened and he gave me a huge hug and asked his sister what i should do, she said i needed to go to the doctors and get the morning after pill so me and him walked up to the doctors but they were shut and we were both really worried so he phoned his sister up and said what do we do now? She said go up to a’n’e and ask for it there so we did. I told them what had happened and she made me do a pregnancy test anyway then around 4 hours later i had the morning after pill, the next thing i knew there was my mum and the police. I spoke to the police and told them everything. They went to my house and got my clothes bed sheets ect. All i have ever told my mum up to this day is he said no but still did it, i never wanted her to know as she is bi-polar and i never wanted to make her upset. I got with my now ex partner around a year after that and his best mate kept coming round pissed up, (he was 17 the mate). ANyway one night my bf was at his nanans and was making all these threats to come round as i was baby sitting his little brother and sister 7+9 so i asked the oldest to get his mate to come round so that if he did come round he couldnt smash the house up ect like he’d been threatening to do. He was pissed up as usual and sent the kids upstairs to watch tv as soon as he shut the living room door he slid the sofa up to the door and asked me to come sit next tohim as he wanted to talk so i did. my phone rang as i picked it up he took the battery out and threw it to the other side of the room, then he tried coming onto me and i said what on earth are you doing? and he tried to carry on by biting my neck and kissing me and rubbing his hands up my thy then the house phone rang and all you could see was anger in his eyes as he got up and ragged the house phone out of the wall. as he came back to me he threw me up the sofa and started to rag my trousers off so i pulled them back up and said what the f””k and he looked really peed off as he grabbed them and ragged them back down (i was trying to pull them back up but couldnt) he then shoved him self up me and as soon as he was done i rushed up got my trousers and put them back on and said i need to see the kids as they were coming down the stairs he grabbed me kissed me and threw me back then moved the sofa as i went to see the kids he walked out of the living room and laughed and walked out of the house. they said what did he want you for? so i said nothing you can come down now and as they were watching tele i went on the computer as it was facing the other way and cried. From all of this i started slitting my wrists at the age of 11 threw to 14 i stopped dancing and started smoking weed and fags and stopped eating too. I had mentoring social workers ect ect. Now i have a wounderful boyfriend im 16 hes 21 and ive told him all this just not in detail and i have a 5 month old baby girl so i stay strong for them!
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I was in a relationship with this guy two years ago. we started having sex when I was 15 and he was 16. I don’t know what to think anymore. There would be times when we would have consensual sex, but other times, I would tell him no and try to stop him, but he would just keep taking my clothes off and spreading my legs and I would force him off of me and he would say I was hurting him and be really convincing until I stopped being defensive, but then just shove himself into me when I was vulnerable. It went on for a long time. He never hit me or shoved me. He would just make me feel so guilty and then manipulate me and make me feel horrible for “rejecting” him and then get me when my guard was down because I kept trusting him. And he would constantly insult me and tell me how “slutty” I am outside of the bedroom, but whenever he wanted to have sex, he would get angry or make fun of me for not being “dirty” enough. I just can’t tell if it’s abuse anymore. I didn’t even start to think about that possibility until a year ago and we ended our relationship over two years ago and I haven’t seen or heard from him since. I keep wanting to tell someone but I feel like they won’t take me seriously. Or that they’ll just think he was a creep but not really raping me. All I know is I want to claw my insides out at the thought of him ever touching me and I feel like an idiot for not beating him over the head and getting away from him for all that time. The thoughts are getting worse and worse as time goes on and I just don’t know how to handle it anymore.
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E. Let me explain to you that rape is about control and that is exactly what he was doing and knew he was getting away with it which is why he kept on for so long. You are so young and have such a long life to go so try and look at the positive which is your future and HE is NOT in it. You can’t change the past so you MUST stop with the “why did I do that, or why didn’t I do more”. You were vulnerable and he was good at the game BUT IT’S OVER!! I would suggest counseling because this will affect your future relationships so you really need to get a hold of your feelings BEFORE getting in another one especially because of your age. Just know that this doesn’t define you only him as a rapist. This type of rape is so common because they think you owe them if you are in a relationship and they try and get away with it. I might take a self defense class too because that will really help with your self esteem and your sense of security, but definitely get the counseling. Stay strong! Lynn
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I was wondering if there was any answers to my book of questions.. I have been brutalized, beat up, stabbed and left for dead over the course of my life but nothing has broken me down more than the countless times I have been held down and forced to do whatever I was told.. My older brothers friend started forcing me to do things to him at a young age but never made me have sex with him.. when I told on him I was called a liar and had to apologize to him and his family, and was dubbed a liar in my families eyes that was around Kindergarten I got into drugs at a young age and left home by the time I was 15, I had been taken to Washington D.C and sold on the streets by a low life pimp but by that time no one cared where I was or what I was doing.. I was alomst killed a few times which pushed me into heavier drugs and more beating more rape.. I got sober and finished school .. I even went to B.U for a few semesters. Now I am married I have two year old twin boys we moved up to the country so I could heal from chemotherapy which I endured for about 4 month and got so sick my kidneys started failing so I stopped, and one of my boys had heart surgery so we felt the county was the way to go… we moved into a mobile home trailer owned by a friend of my dad.. Many years later I forgave my parents for my upbringing…. what a mistake… my landlord scumbag would let himself into my home within 10 minutes of my husband leaving for work, me begging my husband to stay home,.. The landlord threatened me in the nicest tone and raped me repeatedly for about a month until I broke down and told a friend .. I thought was a friend but in a small country town everyone knows everyone if by chance they are not related they are familiar with everyone.. well no matter who I tried talking to about it basically rushed me out of their home or office and then basically called me a junkie whore to EVERYONE.. He did this to me in front of my children and I was afraid he would do it to them or try hurting them. I just needed help and no one cared wait they cared enough about him to attack me and say I HAD DONE SOMETHING TO HIM!!!! The police up here, also friends with him, have done nothing to help protect my family from this man.. This man owns a big business in the area and employes alot of the community and donates to the places that help families in need.. I was homeless living in hotel rooms. The good thing was the crisis center helped us get into the state funded shelter/ hotel until we found another home. My husband knew some details but I never still to this day have not told him exactly what happened He started blaming himself for working so much and all the other feelings a loved one goes through.. He still went to the mobile home to gather some things and get mail everyday he had left work to come to the hotel. He shows up there one day about a week after we left, Mind you we had NO eviction notice no vacate the premises not nothing the place was still ours we had basically just paid for the month, well there were two trucks emptying out the home all our stuff my kids clothing medicine shoes coats boots everything we owned into two trucks that were backed up to the porch, My FATHER and company were robbing us! he pulled a gun on my usband who was now crying begging them for just the boys stuff it was winter and they did not have proper clothing we left in a hurry because I was told to leave , get the kids out of there and into a safe place.. THATS WHAT WE DID!. anyways I called the state police reporting a robbery they NEVER went to meet my husband they never bothered with a report nothing I then called them and reported this crime about 87 times , I also called the sheriff’s department and they did not have ANY deputies to help us.. Long story is this we lost everything we owned because I was raped.. One detective called me to ask if I would report this rape and I was so scared that the man would find us or pay some one to find us and hurt us more.. TERRIFIED that someone would hurt us because the police were not protecting us by any means plus I relived every brutal rape every bad disgusting hot breath I can feel on my face Im hysterical typing this… Now that I am far from that home and I have dropped all contacts and got therapy .. My old therapist, also Landlords friend, told me to stop telling people about what happen she said it was so I can get over this and every time I tell someone I relive it and it’s not healthy.. There are alot more horrid things that have also stemmed from this but I won’t head off on another caviot of sorts.. I stopped seeing that therapist and I am ready to live I just don’t know how anymore I feel like I live under an emending cloud of doom and I want him to pay where so many others got away with what they did to me, and my family. My children are affected by this because they watched a man make mommy scream and cry alot they DO NOT like being around or near anyone other than my husband and me thats it everyone else they cry and with older men the little one shakes sometimes they both do not talk yet they turned 2 in December.. Is there any justice you can point me to .. I hate to sound like this but I want to sue him..I lost everything because of him..I know that sounds gross I feel gross writing it.. I was wondering what others thought of my storyt, Maybe it’s me maybe I am the looser junkie whore….this happened back in October 2012….so depressed and mad I am so mad
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K. First let me start by saying you are a long way from where you used to be and I commend you for that. You are stronger than you realize and I can’t say enough how proud I am that you got yourself out of that black hole you were in. You should be proud too, you are a survivor where most wouldn’t be having been through what you have. That being said my best advice for you is to move forward, stop living in the past. This man and all the evil around him seem to be out of your life now and that is how you want to keep it. I know you’ve lost a lot but you could loose a lot more if you try to sue. I think that is out of the question. First you’d have to prove it and since you had no cooperation from the police it is your word against his and I think we both know how that would go. I need you to put all your energy and focus on your future with your kids and your husband. You also need to realize, rape is about control NOT you. So please stop putting yourself down and know this doesn’t define you. It only defines the assholes that did this to you. And everyday that you go through life wanting to give him a pay back and being miserable and pissed means he is still in control of your emotions which is exactly what he wants. That’s why he did what he did. The best way you can get him back is to get your life back and never think of him again. Instead of being sad about where you are and the things he took, turn it around and be GLAD that you still have your husband, despite everything and that your kids will get through this as they are only two years old and resilient. Again I need you to look forward and stay as far away from the evil as possible. The past can not be changed so why waste another minute on it. Rely on your crisis center for counseling, and anything else you need help with. But whatever you do don’t let this be guy in control of another minute of your life. And lastly I need you to learn the power of forgiveness. I’m not asking you to forgive the people that did this to you, I’m asking you to forgive yourself. Stop beating yourself up because there is no excuse for what these people did and you did not deserve this. What you do deserve is a good life for you and your family, so put in the effort through counseling to achieve this. If there is anyway you could start fresh in a new town, far far away from this that would be great too. Maybe your husband can look for jobs in other places, you never know. Just don’t give up because then he wins! Stay strong! Lynn
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Hello there, my name is K and I am currently 17 years old. I was 13 years old when I was raped. I was a very troubled child from my family life and had very few things to live for. My best friend was one of them. She came from an abusive home and together we’d help each other escape our realities. After a heavy brawl with her mom, she was sent to boot camp far, far away for a long, long time and I fell apart. In my math class, there is a known drug dealer and with the $10 in my pocket I bought a meth bomb and ingested it the next class. I went to the bathroom, saw stars hover around my fingers, stared myself in the eyes in the mirror and repeated to myself my self-loathe, and then passed out on the bathroom floor to pee myself until two friends of mine showed up and decided I needed to be taken out of school, away from any administrators who might catch me. One of the guys was my ex-boyfriend. They dragged me passed securities and eventually into the car of a friend of my ex-boyfriend. The other guy returned to school while my ex accompanied me. I threw up on the little daughter of the driver. We were dropped off at an apartment building where my instructions by my ex were to sit with him in the staircase as we wait for his friend to arrive and get me cleaned up. He told me to kiss him, and as much of a daze I was in I was aware of my barf breathe and that he was my ex and denied. He kissed me anyways because I couldn’t fight back. He took me to the bathrooms of the pool, into an abandoned sauna room, pulled off my pants and bent me over the chair until I began bleeding. Yes I was a virgin. Scared, he left and I cleaned myself up with every amount of muscle I could of used. I remember diving to the bottom of the pool and forgetting I didn’t have gils until I finally came out, choking. He was there at the end of the pool and talking to me as if nothing had happened, and I went along with it. I even agreed to helping him get back with his ex-girlfriend for him. I felt empty and went to my neighbors house where I slept for two days. When I woke up, I called my best friend to tell him what happened, not really thinking much of it when he told “K, THAT’S RAPE”. And that’s when it dawned on me. For the next week I brooded with whatever I did, and he kept coming up to me asking on progress of his ex. I was especially close with my science teacher and I told her about it. I cried, for the first time since. I cried hard. She pleaded with me how I didn’t deserve it, but I don’t think life cares to who the bad things happen to. Later on, my mom decided to confront me about my suspicious behavior and I simply responded that I had been raped. She screamed at me, she was so mad. I hadn’t known about the obligation teachers had to tell on any crimes committed so soon the police also found out. After questioning, I was left no choice but to tell who it was that did it. Yet, I still begged to drop charges. I knew him, just a nice guy with a messed up family like me. I didn’t want to be the reason of tainting his life. I seemed ‘strong’. When my mom finally became compassionate she’d ask me how I felt about it and I told her that now I can relate with other girls who go through the same situation, and though this is true I think I was only numb. He was expelled from school. After that, my greatest fear was seeing him and getting punched in the face. From what I remember when I was with him, he was great in boxing. Thankfully, I moved from Miami the next year.
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K. It doesn’t matter what type of life someone has it is no reason for rape. And to be clear YOU wouldn’t have tainted him, HE did that himself by making the choices he did. So please don’t think you would have done anything wrong. In fact I bet that wasn’t his first time and probably won’t be his last because he got away with it. I’m just glad you were able to get away from him. I’m glad your mother cam around to be compassionate too. You do still need to seek counseling though, and you can start by calling your local crisis center. Stay strong! Lynn
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I am currently 16 years old, I can’t remember how long it’s been since I was raped and lately I haven’t been able to come to terms with having been raped, I guess you can say I’ve become numb to it, I treat it with indifference. I hadn’t told anyone about being raped because I was 6 when it happened, until recently where my therapist had questioned if I had told her already. What really irks me is that I don’t remember who this person was, all I know he wasn’t much older than me. I remember he would bribe me into letting him do things to me, at that time I didn’t realize what was happening, all I know is that I didn’t like it but he just kept coming back but since I was unaware of what was happening I didn’t say anything. Now at the age I’m at, I’ve been having cloudy dreams about what happened all those years ago. The thing is that I’ve always had memories of it being my oldest brother, I guess you can say I’m in denial, I can’t possibly comprehend that my brother could be my rapist, I don’t know what to do anymore and the more I think about it I feel myself going insane. I don’t want to say anything since its been a long time ago, I don’t even believe it’s something worth bringing up but I just wanted to let it out in some way. Thanks for reading XX
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KC. This is coming up for a reason and you definitely need to deal with it or I promise you it will affect your future and future relationships. I hope you are still seeing your counselor and so glad that you had courage to do so. Rape can not be forgotten it is something that we must face and deal with. You know this was not your fault because as you said you didn’t understand because you were so young. I definitely think it was someone you trusted otherwise you might have said something. Being someone you trusted at the time you didn’t realize it was wrong. I would also say that I would trust your instincts as far as dreaming that it is your older brother. I think your subconscious is telling you something. I would definitely address this with your counselor on the best way to approach and/or deal with this. Especially if he is still around a lot. Depending on how much older he is he most likely would have memory of this. Think about how he acts towards you when you were growing up and how he acts towards you now. All these things needs to be discussed with your counselor. But I will tell you even if you can’t remember who, try and deal with your feelings now and don’t give uup on yourself because you will get through this. Stay strong! Lynn
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I’m still….trying overcome my guilt and shame about this and i just need to let it out so…i am a lesbian and have been with my fiance six years this fall….and this is not something im proud of but we were trying to have children and failed twice, so being so highstrung and stubborn i decided to try and find a man to sleep with to try and have a child….of course i let him know my intentions and made sure he was clean….so i planned a day to do this event even though it was against all that i was as a human being but when i finally met the man….i felt uneasy sitting in his car and decided this wasn’t for me and needed to get home but he just told me that he knew i wanted him and that it was happening weather i liked it or not he then proceeded to drive me out to his home almost in the middle of nowhere….i was terrified and scared for my life so i played along to keeo him happy and not hurt me, i tried to message for help on my phone but the service was out in the area and i didnt know where to run to if i tried to jump out….when we got to inside i was shaking like a leaf and kept from giving him eye contact, he told me to wash myself then after i was done…..he took his damn time with me….even though i pleaded to go back home and forget about it, he didn’t talk much but kept right on at what he wanted….two hours later i was sore and broken mentally, he told me to wash myself again then he did….i got dressed quickly and he drove me to a subway station dropped me off and told me that he thought the events was sexy and wanted to see me again, i nodded and ran for my life back home…deleted everything off the internet and went into an awful depression…..even more painful because my fiance was away for work and i could not tell her about what i went through….i know she would leave me if she found out that i was betraying her….baby or not….i felt disgusting….dirty…not deserving the amazing woman i have in my life…..we are getting married in a month now that shes back but im still mentally shattered by this and finding it very hard go be aroused by sex again….i dont know what to do….really i dont….
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CC. First you don’t need to feel ashamed about being raped because no matter what your intentions were you didn’t deserve to be raped. I understand why you feel about the way you went about it and that is relationship issues not the rape issues and those you need to separate inorder to move forward. You need to understand the feelings you are having and where they are stemming from. I’m not sure how going into a marriage is with all these secrets and no emapthy or support for you. It’s hard to say because I’m not in your shoes but what is the worst that can come out of honesty. You need support right now. If you can’t tell your gf then you definitely need at the very least a counselor. When you go into specifics maybe they can help you decide if and/or how to tell your gf. As far as the sexual part try and remember one thing, this guy is in your past not your future and your gf is your future and she is not there to hurt you sexually. She is there to show you what love truly is so try and look at it as you need this love in your life to get you through this. And keep telling yourself she won’t hurt you, she will just love you. Get into professional counseling asap and ggod luck with your marriage. Stay strong! Lynn
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Something happened to me when I was 19 that I have never spoken to anyone about or really ever acknowledged to myself. I was out in a nightclub, and I had had been drinking. I know that I had lost my friends and was wandering around on my own. I remember a man approaching me, he may have given me a drink, i’m not 100% sure. I don’t remember him speaking to me really, or me having any sort of conversation with him, or kissing him or anything like that. This particular nightclub was in an industrial estate with a lot of car parks, I remember being led to a car and put in the back, then he drove somewhere and had sex with me on the back seat. I remember patches of this like it was an out of body experience. I don’t remember saying no, but I don’t think I was an active participant in what was happening, it was just like something was being done to me. Like I say, it felt like an out of body experience. He then drove me back to the nightclub and left me there. I went home. I just remember this blank, expressionless face and not a word exchanged. Everything about the situation felt wrong, and when I got home I was crying on one of my friends, but I wouldn’t tell him what happened. Since then I have always just felt guilt and shame about what happened, like it was all my fault. In my gut I know what happened wasn’t right. If you can drive a car and a girl can’t even speak, you shouldn’t be having sex with her. It all felt predatory. I’m 23 now and I have pushed the incident to the back of my mind for years, but recently I have become angry at the guilt and shame I have felt. I wanted to tell someone, but i’m scared that people with judge me and think it was my fault, that i’m looking for sympathy and trying to cry rape. I was assaulted a few months ago as I walked home where I lived in Hong Kong, a man grabbed me and felt between my legs and my breasts, I was so angry that a man thought my body was his for the taking, and those feelings stirred up my concern about what happened when I was younger. I just wanted to share my story with someone really, and i’m too scared to tell anyone I know. I just want to face what happened so it doesn’t resurface later on, but I don’t really know how to do that. Any advice would be welcome. x
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JL I’m glad you were able to get your story out, I bet it felt like a little bit of the burden you’ve been carrying around was released. Now what you NEED to do is go talk and confide in the person that can help you and that is a counselor. You can not bury rape it is like a shadow that is always with you and you never know when it rears it’s ugly head. I promise you without the counseling it will affect so many aspects of your life down the road that you haven’t even though about yet. Which is why you have to turn and face it head on through counseling. It is so worth it for you to have a bright future. It isn’t easy but it sure isn’t harder than the past couple years you’ve been trying to bury it. You will feel so relieved to talk with someone who won’t judge you but instead tries to help you get through this and understand how to deal going forward. I always say the more feelings you let out the more room you have to heal. The longer you keep it burying the more it has to fester and trust me it will until it affects all aspects of your life in an adverse way. So please get to a counselor asap, trust me you and your life are worth it. Stay strong! Lynn
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