Steps in The Healing Process

#1) Believe deep down it is not your fault, no matter what the actions were leading up to the rape, you need to know and accept there is nothing that justifies rape and you didn’t do anything to deserve it! Everyone I talk to feels guilty or ashamed in one form or another, but what you don’t understand is the person that is deserving of the guilt and shame is the person that chose to do the rape, NOT YOU! The rape was not about anything you did, it is about the attacker needing control and they are responsible for their actions NOT YOU!!!

#2) You need to try and do your best to deal with your feelings as they arise. I’ve learned that in order to feel like a survivor you face them head on. You have two options, deal with them head on or run from them. The problem is when you run, your demons become your shadow and you can never outrun your shadow, so it is best to try and deal with your emotions head on instead of trying to outrun something you can’t.

#3) The one thing I learned the hard way was that none of my loved ones reacted they way I thought they would, so I immediately was more concerned with their thoughts and actions than my own healing process. I see this almost every time when counseling a survivor. The first thing I hear is, “What is my family (often spouse/partner) going to think?” or “how are they going to react?” My typical response is, “I know you are worried about their reactions BUT aren’t you more worried about your well being for you and your family?” Before you expend your energy on controlling someone else’s feelings (when ultimately you can’t) you should take that energy to heal yourself. Because you truly need to believe that you did nothing to lead up to the rape and know in your heart it wasn’t your fault. When YOU realize it doesn’t matter what you were wearing, where you were at or what you were doing, then it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks! The bottom line is you have to take care of yourself first before you can take care of anyone else!

#4) Surround yourself with the people who support you and distance yourself (at least temporarily) from those who don’t.

#5) Find the positive in something everyday and focus on it no matter how small or stupid it is. A lot of days you will have to dig deep to find it, even if it is splurging on a dessert or watching your favorite TV show, but you must find something positive everyday to keep you going. This will also help train your brain that you can block out the negative.

#6) Remember that you can’t change the past so stop focusing on it with – shoulda, coulda, woulda – because it doesn’t matter since the past can’t be changed. If you are focusing on something you wished you would have done differently or beating yourself up with something you did, then you do not believe it wasn’t your fault, step #1. YOU MUST BELIEVE THAT IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT and until you do you have a long struggle in your recovery. Remember NOTHING JUSTIFIES RAPE!

#7) Focus on what you DO have control of and that is your future. The day I stopped letting my assaulter control my life is the day I realized I could be dead. At that moment (about 9 months later) even though I knew my assaulter took something from me, I realized he did not take my life and I wasn’t about to give him another day of MY life! He doesn’t deserve it, not one more minute! I felt this huge relief that I sat down and cried for hours. From that day on I stopped worrying about my past and what anyone else thought and focused on appreciating the life I had left. Now I’m not saying I skipped off into the sunset, but that was the day I stopped feeling sorry for myself (those emotions are allowed – for a while) and picked myself up and took a step forward instead of backwards.

#8) DO NOT turn to drugs and alcohol to mask the pain, once again you MUST FEEL IN ORDER TO HEAL. Alcohol and/or drugs are only a temporary fix and does absolutely nothing to solve the problem other than to push it deeper. You must deal with it and the more you feel and release, the more room you have to heal.

#9) DON’T rely on anyone else to heal you. You will heal as much as you put the work into it. Hopefully you will have support, but you need to know while it is OK to accept help from others, only you can heal yourself. Healing yourself through some type of professional counseling, whether group, individual or anonymously. A lot of cities offer free counseling or support groups through their local crisis centers. There are your some church groups or if you health insurance (make sure mental health is covered under your plan) use that. Some employers have EAP (employee assistance programs) that are completely anonymous even to your employer and usually offer a couple free visits. Go to rainn.org to find the closest counselor to you. There are so many resources, just make the commitment to start helping yourself and you’ll find a way!

#10) While the above suggestions are more long term, I would like to make some suggestions for baby steps that can help “right now”. My most successful suggestion is to right down your feelings at the end of the day (good or bad) whatever they are just as a release. This is good for survivors or immediate family members trying to cope as well. It is up to you whether or not you keep it, it is just a way for you to get your honest and true emotions out and not keep them deep inside you, which only fester. Warms baths are great before bed along with a good book to take me away, if even for 30 minutes. I always try to keep a book in purse, dvd at home or cd in car that I love and makes me feel good that I can immediately turn to to brighten my mood. And if you don’t have a pet, get one! Pets are amazing and offer true unconditional love BUT make sure you have the time to love and nurture your pet and you will get nothing less back!

#11) Think about taking a self defense class. After being raped your sense of security is shot and an excellent way to start to get it back is taking a self defense class. It is very empowering and a good confidence builder.

#12) Try yoga (if you don’t alreaady), it is truly amazing how it makes you feel calm and can just release the stress and anxiety. Never tried it until after my rape and I still have the same at home beginner dvds I’ve used for years, but I love them and I truly feel empowered, strong and relaxed when I’m done. They say you can heal your body through your breathing and I believe it. Tell me you don’t feel a little better after you take a few big deep breaths. Well, when you are doing yoga, not only is your body trying to align and release your stress you are holding in your body, but you are really breathing the whole time and getting oxygen to your entire body, which is not only a calming affect but helps the tightness in your muscles to release. So trust me just try it a few times, you don’t have to do it perfect (which is why I do it at my house) but I always feel better afterwards, never fails..

996 thoughts on “Steps in The Healing Process”

  1. Firstly I would like to thank you for this article, I agree that focussing on what your family members think or how they react can cause more distress and eventually become unhealthy.
    Although it’s been a few years since I was raped, and I am for the most part healed. I do still find that in certain aspects of my life, I am stunted. I was molested at the age of ten and raped when I was fourteen, and obviously I have had to deal with many emotions and turned to unhealthy escape routes such as drugs.
    However I managed to turn my life around and I have a booming career ahead of me, amazing friends and family and overall I’m a positive person, however when it comes to relationships I am at a loss.
    My ex boyfriend is a drug addict. I want to be with a decent guy and I even have one in mind, but I am concerned that I am too jaded for him and not worthy of him. I have many fears about this and have for years now, does it get better?

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    1. T. Yes it does get better when you change the way you are thinking. First of all you are worthy in fact just as worthy as anyone else raped or not. You need to start thinking that this doesn’t define you (meaning you are worthy) this only defines the person that did this to you. It is just something that happened to you that you didn’t deserve. You are not the jaded one here, you are not the one not worthy of love only the people did this to you are unworthy and jaded, NOT YOU! You also need to forgive yourself and put the shame and blame on them. You stand up tall and know this doesn’t define you. You deserve just as much or more than anyone else because you aren’t the bad guy. You shouldn’t have shame. You should be strong because you are overcoming one of the most difficult things in life to overcome. The only thing more emotionally and physically horrific that rape is murder and/or death. You are a survivor and should be proud that you have a great career and are happy again. Don’t let this terrible thing control your love life because in essence the person that did this to you is still in control. They don’t deserve another second, so stop looking back and look ahead and take FULL control of your life because I know you can. You’ve gotten this far, don’t give up. You deserve to be loved and to be happy. That being said, even though it doesn’t define you it is a part of what happened to you and I always recommend if you are thinking about getting intimate then you should tell your partner first. Because they are either there for you or they won’t want anything to do with it. It is always better to find out in the beginning before too much of your emotions are invested. But let them know when you say something that you just have to be honest and the only thing you expect from them is support when you need it. You don’t expect them to have any answers just be there for you when you need it. that way they won’t run from purely not knowing how to “fix” the situation. You also don’t need to give details just say you are doing good but sometimes may have nightmares or need to feel an extra sense of security and you would like them to be your support, that’s it. So turn your thinking around, don’t give up on love, be honest with the person you choose and stand tall. You deserve the best and nothing less. Stay strong! Lynn

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  2. hi, am 16 and i was just recently rape last night me and my step cuzins went to this kick back full of liquor so they kept giving me drinks to the point i was really drunk nd that same night that we where on are way back home one of my step cuzin who 21 start kissing me and when we had got home he drop me on his bed and had gotten on top of me i try to push him off but he was strong so he grab my hands and didmt let go so i kept saying stop nd he kept saying no after that next morning he talks to me like if nothing happen and i respond the same way too but inside it killing me i cant tell anuone in my family not even my mom cuz am afraid wat they do please help me!

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    1. A. You MUST do three things #1) Tell someone in your family you trust and get you to a doctor #2) Stay as far away from him as possible even if that means moving so live with another family member or friend for a while and #3) get counseling immediately. If you stay quiet the percentages of it happening again are very high. By not telling someone that can protect you he sees it as OK. Rape is all about control honey and by acting like it never happened means he is in control and can do it again. I’d also highly recommend you take a self defense class. If he is a lot bigger than you and can hold you down then you need to learn ways to protect yourself. Also you can go to rainn.org and try and find the nearest counselor to you for help. The other thing is if you don’t tell anyone and time goes by and it eats you up from inside and then you tell, they might not beleive you. So as soon as you are done reading this go tell your mom or someone. Also, if you still have your clothes that you wore that night and they haven’t been washed save them. Even if you don’t go to the police put them in a bag in case someone asks you for evidence later like a doctor of something. But you need to be seen by a doctor and let them know what has happened. But just get as far away as possible and let someone you trust know that can help protect you. Who cares if anyone gets mad at him or even you. I would rather them get mad than you get raped again right? If this was your daughter this happened to you would want her to come to you or at least tell someone right? Stay strong! Lynn

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  3. It has been many years since I was raped, I was only 13, I thought I was grown and decided I wanted to leave my house and do what grown people do. I moved in with a cousin of mine and her mom, I started feeling uncomfortable when my older cousins boyfriend was released from jail. He always looked at me funny. I was suppose to go out with a dear friend of mine and her sisters and brothers, instead I went out with my cousin her boyfriend and about 4-6 other guys. I was drinking at the time but one cup isn’t enough to completely get me drunk, they slipped in a pill not sure what it was called but its known as the date rape pill. I just remember closing my eyes and by the time I knew it he was on top of me holding my hands and when I told him to stop he didn’t. I tried kicking and fighting him off but he was to strong. The words that came out of his mouth made me feel worthless, I wanted to die at that moment. He punched me multiple times and even when i tried to scream he held my mouth shut. I cried and cried, and the last hit i received knocked me out, when I woke up, my underwear was missing, I had deep scratches on my inner thighs and my legs, i had a bruised eye and busted lip, my neck was covered in hickies. I was in a state of shock once I realized what happened. My aunt was the 1st to know because my parents did not want me at their house. I cried like there was no tomorrow. I was sent to the hospital to get checked. I was clean. My parents were ashamed of me because once I went back to school there were whispers. Tears rolled down my face to the point I dropped out. Its been almost 9 years since this happened and sometimes I don’t feel like I will ever recover. How do I cope with this? Ive been thru years of therapy, I have nightmares til this day. I dont know what to do sometimes when I am alone. I have tried talking my family but they refuse to listen. I do not know what to do. please any advice would help.

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    1. M. I can make a few suggestions but whether or not you follow through is completely up to you and easier said than done. It is hard work but it will pay off. First if you are still having these issues you aren’t finished with therapy or maybe you need to change therapists. Second and most important (in order for therapy to work) you have to take back control of your own life. The timeline you gave me leads me to believe you are around 22 now. As an adult it might be time to make some very adult decisions (if you haven’t already). Such as let your parents go. Stop worrying about what they think. They have already made up there minds and unfortunately no matter how we want them to think or act we can not control it. So let it go and forgive them for there ignorance. Don’t be mad, just let it go and forgive them and move on. You are living in your past and trying to control what others think and all it is doing is keeping you from your future. You can not change the past or what others think or the way they act, you just can’t. If it has gone this long, let it go. Next if I was you and if you can I’d make a fresh start somewhere where you can start a new future. If you can’t do it right now make a plan and stick to it. You don’t have to tell your parents this is what you are going to do, just do it. In fact I wouldn’t let them know at all or anyone else that hasn’t been there for you. This is not something to talk about it is something you set your mind to and just do it. If you aren’t strong enough or financially able to do this make yourself stronger. Take a self defense class. Get a job or 2 jobs and set a goal. all of these things will take the focus off your past and onto your future and give you something to look forward to. Lastly, you need to keep in mind 2 things #1) you are lucky to be alive and you have been given the gift of a future so don’t waste it. #2) Every single day/moment that you focus on the past via the rape or your parents is another moment that the rapist is controlling your life. Take back control because he doesn’t deserve another minute. Every time it gets hard say to yourself “I’m not gonna let this control me. He doesn’t deserve another second!”. Let the past go because it can not be changed BUT your future is trying to shine bright on you and you are letting the rapist control it by not letting that light shine through. You deserve nothing but the best so let go of all the negative people and feelings and become the person you know you can and want to be. It’s not gonna happen overnight but if you make a plan even if it is baby steps and stick to it one day those steps will turn into days, then months and you’ll be saying why didn’t I do this sooner. Stay strong! Lynn

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  4. ive been molested and raped since i was very young. just in the past 2yrs ive become more vocal about it with people i trust. ive only truthfully told 3 people. in the past month and a half its started happening again so i started drinking alot. in the past couple weeks i was drunk and revealed to one on my recent exs friends that i was recently..in the time of working things out with him..was raped..she in turn told him about the situation which started and uproar! he call me all kinds of names..bitches and stupid and disloyal for not telling him or someone at all. he then went into telling my mother and i then told her i was lying i just wanted attention but then recanted that statement. when they asked for the truth though..i made up a completely different story from what was real and they could see that. now my ex wont talk to me..i dont know how to get him to understand that the things he said to me and the way my mom wanted to force me to call the cops was exactly why i had hidden everything in the first place. i dont know what to do but i do know that i dont want to be completely honest with my mom..but i do feel like i owe him the truth…as someone i trusted and that cared for me.i just dont want that truth to get back to my mom either.

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    1. D. Who cares what he thinks after the way he treated you when he found out? If this guy was that mean and ugly who cares, he does NOT need to know the truth but your mom does. Seriously if this was your daughter would you want her to be more worried about the asshole boyfriend/ex whatever than coming to you. So what you mom wanted to call the police that is the correct thing to do. You have been molested for a long time. You do realize you aren’t the first and most likely won’t be the last right? But you are more concerned with what this guy feels? I realize why you changed your story but now it looks as if you have lied and honestly I don’t think he will ever believe you. Just stop worrying about him and take care of yourself. Don’t you see how the person that has been molesting you has clearly manipulated your thoughts into not doing whats best for you. If you don’t want to help yourself then at least help all the other girls that this is gonna happen to by telling the truth and getting your molestor behind bars. Again, I’m going to leave it at this: If this was your daughter what would you say the right thing to do was? Stay strong and true to you and don’t let either of these guys hurt you anymore. Tell your mom the truth and explain why you changed the story because you were scared. Lynn

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  5. Hi thank you for the very useful information on your website i experienced something which you would probably not classify as rape but i met someone one night and he turned out to be my biggest enemy. I was so low when i met him due to 2 years of previous hell i faced with illness amongst many other things which is partly the reason i was where i was doing what i was. I met him and the first time I saw him I thought he was the most amazing thing ever and i now had a reason to live. This was my first relationship. He took away my virginity without my will very soon after the first time i met him. I was destroyed and didnt know what to do. After that I went through a massive enormous period of guilt which was worse than anything i had ever experienced before. It kills me now when i remember that i contemplated actually staying with him when there wasnt even a relationship there to begin with (only saw him like 3 times) soemtimes i think was i imagining what i wanted to see in him. But i never in a million years thought this would happen. I never saw him after that because he didnt even attempt to contact me i told him to leave me alone and that i told my family and he did. I told my mum n she was horrified i destroyed her too cuz she didnt know how to deal with it and i only told her half the story but at least she came with me to the doctors to get checked out. He is killing me still i think about it all the time and everyday its driving me mental. I cannot even stand my family because i am constantly either so angry so low or just on edge that i react like a mad person to the smallest things. i see his face everywhere when i close my eyes i have flashbacks of when his face changed that day and he done what he done. I did try to fight but i couldn’t any longer he was obviously too strong then he was done and left me lying there as if he hadn’t done anything wrong which kills me even more. I finally searched on google for help because nobody understands anything especially because i got myself into a relationship with an older guy and immediately trusted him and im old enough to know better. I feel cheated by life and i currently wish he would just die as awful as that sounds but i really really wish he would. I feel i can never ever trust anyone or ever get intimate with anyone again because the only memory of intimacy i have is when he done what he did, he was my first and last. How long will it take to get over this will there be a day ever again when i dont think about it this happened on december 3rd 2011.

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    1. G. I know how you are feeling and I know it hurts but you need to know these are common feelings and you are not alone. First of all this was rape if you didn’t have consensual sex and based on what you told me it was not consensual. This man definitely took advantage of your vulnerability so don’t feel ashamed at the mixed emotions you had, this is also common. What I need you to concentrate on is the positive and I know that is hard to find so I’m gonna help you. First you did the right thing by telling your mom and letting him know so that he doesn’t bother you again. I know it upset your mom but she would have been more upset if you didn’t tell her. You did the right thing by going to the doctor and getting checked out. And you are doing the right thing by asking for help. But you need to do one more thing that is necessary and that is get counseling. No one can help you through this (not even your mom) except a professional or possibly other rape survivors (like group therapy) because if you haven’t been raped ar trained professionally they just don’t understand. Sometimes they don’t even want to acknowledge or talk about it because they think it will go away and/or end up hurting you more. This is not the case. The more you let out via crying, talking, writing whatever the more room you have to heal. So don’t think you can shove it down deep and it won’t show or you will forget because that only makes it worse. The fact that you came here is such a positive sign because it shows me you are tired of feeling this way and want to do something about it. If this just happened in December, the fact you are looking for help is an excellent sign (another positive). If you read through some of these posts you will see it takes years for some to reach out and trust me the longer you wait the longer it takes to heal. So go find a counselor or therapist that can help you, the sooner the better. And to answer your questions there will be days you don’t think about this and can feel normal and trusting of men again BUT you have to work at it, promise me it just doesn’t come. So be proud that you reached out early because the quicker you get help the quicker that day will come. Stay strong! Lynn

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  6. My 25th “anniversary” is coming up. I was raped three times in the span of 18 months. I can’t tell you a thing about the first guy, but I can tell you what he smelled like, how the dirt tasted, how chilled I was inside and out. The second guy, I can tell you a lot, right down to his first name. But the last guy, I remember little. I chose to tell noone, shame was a big player in that, until I was 22. Then I yelled it to my mother out of anger. I have still had no counseling for it, and I’m beginning to thik maybe I need to. The memories are getting stronger and more persistant, almost daily. My nightmares have come back in full force, and the anger I feel is coming out. But I don’t know how to control it, or channel it. Noone is aware why I’m so angry. Nor why I always seem to keep part of myself closed off. Any advice?

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    1. S. The best and most important advice I can give you is to get into counseling as soon as you possibly can. Going through rape once is horrific but 3 times is something that you are never going to be able to deal with on your own nor should you. You are not alone even though I know you feel like it. But if you don’t let it out soon you are going to explode and probably at the wrong time and place. I always say the more you let out the more room you have to heal and the more you keep in the more you live in the past because you aren’t letting it go. So it is up to you. Do you want to get better? Then you have to work at it the right way. Either call your local crisis center, therapist in your health plan or go to rainn.org and find the nearest counselor/therapist to you. I know it sucks that we have to put all this work in when it wasn’t our fault and it sucks to have to relive it again with a stranger. But I can promise you it is easier than what you are going through now AND that stranger will soon be a trusted person that can help you move forward instead of staying in the past. Some other things I would do for the nightmares is try writing before bed, just empty all your thoughts on paper. This is a mental release and the more you do it the more your sleep will improve. The more your sleep improves the less anxiety you will have. After you are done writing then do some yoga before bed. You don’t need to be good at it but the breathing alone will calm your stress and improve your sleep. This doesn’t necessarily happen overnight but again you have to work at it so make a regimen of it. I would also highly recommend taking a self defense class to help with your sense of trust and security. But you must get professional help. Remember no matter how long you live in the past it can not be changed but the future is yours for the taking so how do you want to live it. Healthy I hope. Also remember that being rape doesn’t define you only the person that did this to you as a rapist. So let go of the humility and shame and put that where it belongs on your rapists. You can be happy and stand tall again but it will all depend how bad you want it and work for it. I know you can do it because you took the first step by coming here. You deserve to be happy and I’m proud of you for telling your story and more importantly asking for help! Stay strong! Lynn

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  7. I was druged by a much older guy when i was a teen in highschool. He druged me, i woke up and he was on top of me I was screaming and crying and his friend was watching and laughing. This guy was my best friends boyfriend and she along with all my friends did not believe me. I lost my best friend and every friend i had my senior year. This experience derailed my life in a good way. I went to college became a teacher and really blocked it out of my memory. I was cleaning out my closet and came across a book of poems that cleary reflect all i went through in 12th grade. I literally surpressed this deep dark memory. I am basically reliving it. It is running like a movie in my head. I also can’t stop rereading the poems. I have cried every night since i found the poems. Nobody knows (but my best friend who did not believe me) what happened to me. I told my fiance about it and have talked to him about it. I just think it is so crazy that i was able to block that scene from my memory. But now it is coming back strong.

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    1. K. Unfortunately it does not seem crazy to me because they never went away you just buried them. Anytime you bury feelings like this they are bound to resurface and typically at the wrong time or when you least expect it. Rape is like your shadow, you can never run from it. Instead you have to look straight at it and deal with it. The more you let out the more room you have to heal. The more you bury it the less room you have to heal and the better the chances for it to haunt you. Keep in mind your fiancee can only do so much and that is support you through hugs and a shoulder to cry on and most importantly be patient. Only you can really help yourself through a professional counselor or maybe even group therapy. They both work wonderfully and can help way more than people that just don’t understand what you are going through. So seek counseling and the sooner the better because you have already harbored these feelings way too long. Do it for you and your future with your fiance. Stay strong! Lynn

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  8. I was not raped but I was touch and was forced to touch my grate aunt she was watching me while my mom was with my grandfather in the hospital and my dad and rest of the family was at home we had to go out of town that why I was staying with her I wanted to go see my grandfather I was there a couple days after I didn’t know what to do or wwhat I didn’t wrong to deserve it I thought I did something wrong I never told anyone but once I hit middle school I told the guy I liked/best friend and he still is my best friend I can trust him with anything and as the years went on I told only my 5 best friend and that’s all no one else knows cause before I dent feel anything it felt like it didn’t happen I denied it the only time I would get upset is when someone would try to cuddle me or something I am no comfortable with really hugging people I feel exposed and like they could do whatever they want like I’m not in control I am in the 8th grade still bout to be in 9th I want to tell my sister mom or Sunday school teacher but I don’t know how to I need help

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    1. P. If your great aunt is still around you need to tell a family member. They need to be aware so they can keep you and other children away from her. You can start by letting whoever you tell by saying you were scared and ashamed to tell them which is why you didn’t. You can also tell them you were confused by what happened. Now that you are older you realize that you didn’t do anything wrong but that she did something wrong to you and you want to make sure it doesn’t happen again or to anyone else. Also let them know that is why you aren’t comfortable hugging. Let them know that you confided in friends and how this has made you feel. They should hopefully understand and if for some reason they don’t help you then tell someone else. But you need to tell the person that can protect you from your aunt. The fact that you are coming here for help means you are very brave and I know you can do it. Stay strong! Lynn

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  9. Thankfully she is no longer around me I haven’t seen her in a long time but I go to the same house at least 4 times a year to see my grandfather cause we stayed at his house when I was there and its hard I am planing on telling my friends older sister and having her help me tell my parents thank you so much for getting back to me

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  10. Oh and one more thing there’s a problem… my grate aunt is one of triplets I don’t remember which one she was cause they all switched out over the week so I don’t know which one it was so there’s no way of making sure no child is close to her what do I do about that?

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    1. P. When you tell your mother you let her know exactly what you told me that you aren’t sure which one it is. Therefore stay away from all three. It will be difficult to determine UNLESS someone else has heard of one of them doing something similar. There isno reason they would tell you but they might know something. I have no idea what your mother will do,confront them or not but either way you should stay awaay from them all unless it comes out which one it is. And until that happens all you ng children should be kept away. Because if no one has heard of anything I can tell you she would very possibly still do it to young children, especially if never caught. I’m sure you weren;t the first and probably not the last unfortunately. Stay strong! Lynn

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  11. I tried to kill myself, which failed, i ended up in hospital and my mum thought I was overreacting about nothing. So here I am. Looking around on the Internet too scared to write down what’s happened to me and reading other people’s stories. It’s kind of nice to know there’s other people who have gone through the same things I have although I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
    My dad raped me when I was 8 up until I was 13 when my parents got a divorce and me and my brother refuse to see him. I’m 14, nearly 15 now and I’m just disgusted with myself, no one could ever love me now. I can’t remember anything but bad things from then and younger. It was horrible I was in so much pain and he never seemed to care he just kept on coming back. He raped me vaginally and anally. It happened almost every day. He’d call me names. I just don’t think I’ll ever be able to have a normal life. I want to start fresh but I can’t. I feel so alone, I guess I just need some advice on how to feel less disgusted with myself and move on, thanks.

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    1. K. I’m so very very sorry that you’ve been through something so horrific. Have you told your mom? Have you told anyone? Can you tell a doctor that can examine you to confirm to your mother? The one thing you need to understand is that you were young and vulnerable and taken advantage of by someone that you trusted. Meaning that you don’t need to be disgusted with yourself but only your father. And you need to know that you can and will be loved because this doesn’t make you a bad person and this doesn’t define you. This only makes your father a bad abusive person and defines him as a rapist and a pedophile. You did nothing wrong, I promise you and no one is going to look at you like you did anything wrong. This is all on your father not you. You need to be honest with your mother, brother or a family member that can protect you. And if I was in your shoes I would go to the doctor tell him and go to the police. The doctor will be able to tell you are not a virgin and can confirm to the police your story. I am just scared for you and your mental and physical health. If your father could do this to you he could try again and he most likely will do it to someone other young girl. My first priority is your safety. So please make sure to tell a family member that you trust and can protect you from this man. You also need to get professional counseling. Everyone that goes through rape needs professional counseling and the fact that you went through it for years and tried suicide means you need it right now. Hopefully your mother will understand why you tried once you tell her (if you can). If you don’t feel you can turn to your mother then talk to a school counselor, or call your local crisis center as they keep everything anonymous but can also offer you personal counseling. Just tell someone you trust and can actually help you get to a counselor. The longer you wait the worse it will get I promise you. So if you can’t tell a family member tell a friends parent, someone a church, a teacher just someone you can trust that can help you. I promise if you do it will get better because it means you want a better life, but you have to work for it. It sucks I know that we as the victims are the ones that have to work hard at getting our lives back when we didn’t bring this into our lives but we do. And I’m not gonna lie it is hard BUT it is so worth it. And a young girl like you deserves the best and brightest future because of what you’ve been through. So don’t give up because you are worthy of love and a happy life. And you know what every day that goes by that you don’t try means he is still in control of you. He doesn’t deserve another day or minute. So take back control of your life by trying to make yourself better. Because if you give up he wins and I know you don’t want that and neither do I. So the best way to defeat him is to get a little better everyday. Stay strong! Lynn

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  12. Thank you so much for your reply. While I was in hospital they made me talk to a psychiatrist briefly. And I had my first session with her today and she’s really nice I might tell her, and she won’t like judge me. I haven’t told anyone yet because it’s hard to it’s f’d up and embarrassing.
    I miss my (half) sister though because she lives with my dad and I can’t see her now. Thank you so much I feel better reading your reply

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  13. When I was between the ages of 12 and 13 my step-dad was repeatedly raping me. The first time I met him I was uncomfortable around him. As time went on, I got downright scared of him and finally tried to talk to my Dad about it. He was not in the area, I was speaking to him over Skype. My Mom found the messages and screamed at me that I just wanted her to be miserable and that I was crying wolf when there was no wolf. So, when the raping started I immediately blocked it out. I was raped by him approximately 8 times. I believe he drugged me beforehand as every time it happened, I would have a drink with him (coke or something) and wind up dizzy, groggy and sluggish. It would force me to go up to my room and lay down, to which my step-dad would come in an hour or so later. I was unable to move much and barely able to speak while it happened. I am now 18 and have had these memories blocked since up until 3 weeks ago and I just don’t know what to do. I feel so lost and hurt and completely violated. I’ve been through a lot in my life but I’d always thought I’d managed to make it through without having had something so precious as my virginity taken from me. It was something I took pride in and to find out that all these years, I’ve never had it is devastating. People keep telling me I didn’t willing give myself up and so am still a virgin. They just don’t seem to understand what that meant to me… I know what happened isn’t my fault but I just don’t know what I feel or what to do or anything. I feel incredibly alone and I just need help…

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    1. A. We can never push the feelings of rape aside or block them. The more we bury them the longer it takes to come out and the more it affects your life in the long term. Not saying you did anything wrong because most people would rather bury their feelings than have to deal with them, especially not knowing how and at your age being violated by people you trust. BUT if you would have faced the reality and sought the help you so desperately needed with or without the help of your mom you wouldn’t be where you are now. I feel so bad because you literally have lost those past years even though you think you were ok, you were not deep down. But the good thing is your body is mentally trying to deal with it now. Your mental state is trying to wake you up and say now is the time in order for you to move for forward in your life and have the life that you deserve. You do deserve a good life and to put this behind you. The only way to do that is to get the professional help that you need through counseling. Either go through your health insurance or you can call your local crisis center for a referral or they may even have counseling offered there. If that doesn’t work contact rainn.org to find the nearest counselor to you that specializes in rape. The more you let out (and you are ready by coming here) the more room you have to heal. The more you keep inside the longer it will affect your life in a negative way and the longer it takes to recover. I’m glad you know that this was not your fault and you must keep that mentality going forward. When you know and believe that then you have already accomplished the first step. Now take the second crucial one by seeking help. Also remember it doesn’t really matter what others think ( I know it hurts us when they don’t believe us) but the reality is we can’t change them and their recovery doesn’t come first. You are the only one that knows what happened and you have to put yourself first. Once you have your head on straight then it makes it a lot easier to deal with others down the road. Stay strong! Lynn

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  14. I was raped 8 months ago and I can’t seem to get over it, I keep telling myself to stop thinking about the past and just move on but I can’t. Its like I lost a myself that night. I don’t have anyone to really support me all my friends and family are going through their own thing or simply don’t have time to help me. I really need someone to talk to, someone that will simply listen. I have yet to really cry over it but each day I feel like I’m losing myself I don’t know what to do the feelings are becoming overwhelming I really need help please I don’t think I can keep living like this.

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    1. C. I’m sad that you feel no one is there to support you as you need but I can promise you that you are not alone. Not that that helps but what I mean is I completely understand your feelings. You’ve already taken a great big step by coming here and reaching out for help. so I need you to take one more giant step that is crucial for you in your recovery. You need to seek professional counseling, either through your insurance or local crisis center or go to rainn.org and find the nearest counselor to you that specializes in rape. When you go to counseling you will get exactly what you are needing someone to listen to you without judgment and if you don’t (rarely happens) you don’t give up and go to someone else. Only you can take care of you and you are worth it so listen to your mind when it tells you that you need help. We are not put on this earth knowing how to deal with rape so the only people that truly understand what you are going through are people that have been through it or professionals that are trained. As much as you want your friends and family to help honestly all they can do is be a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen. Those things are good but you need more than that. A lot of the times people shy away from you once they know because they don’t know what to say or if they do say something that might make it worse for you so they think staying away or acting like it never happened is the right thing to do when actually it is the worst thing they can do. We already feel alone and by them staying away or going on like nothing happened makes us feel more isolated. But they just don’t get that. I would also suggest in the interim of you going to counseling to start writing out your feelings. Especially before bed as this is a mental release and within time could help you get better rest. The better rest we get the less anxiety we have. You might also want to try yoga in the am and pm as a relaxing technique. You can do it at home and trust me this really helps. Think of maybe taking a self defense class to help get your sense of security back as well as build your confidence. But the most important is get the counseling you need. It won’t be easy but it is easier than what you have been though and going through now, I promise. Stay strong! Lynn

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  15. It happened one month ago. It was violent and I still do not have the mental capacity to take it all it. When I tell other people, they don’t know what to say. It makes me not want to tell anyone. All I want is to be held by someone I love. Yet I fear I will never be able to trust anyone enough to love him. I always assume that men I come across are only looking to use me. It makes me sick (sometimes literally). My friends tell me “You’re a pretty girl and you are so genuine. A wonderful man will want to cherish you someday.” Someday. Someday. Someday. What about now?
    I’m on my own. I don’t have a big support group and I just feel so alone.

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    1. K. Let me start by telling you that you are not alone. I know it feels like it but you aren’t. Everything is still so raw because it happened so recently and if you don’t get professional counseling to help you through this it will stay raw. The other thing you need to know is that right now you don’t need a man in your life. You are getting confused with needing support via needing a man. I know you are thinking who is going to love me but that is not what you need to focus on right now. You need to love yourself first. You need to mentally get your head straight and physically and mentally heal before you ever even consider another relationship. They will come I promise but it will never be right until you get yourself right first. You need to call your local crisis center or go through your health insurance or go to rainn.org and find the nearest counselor to you and get the proper help you need. You are right about your friends not giving you the help you want and thats because they don’t know how and that is ok. The only people that do know how to help oor say or do the right thing is other survivors or professionals that have been trained. Your family and friends can only be a shoulder to cry on or give hugs when needed, that is very important dont get me wrong but you need more than that. If you do have one friend that you can turn to let them know that is all you expect and need from them and that will let them off the hook a little and hopefully be there more for you to at least do that. What I mean by letting them off the hook is that they wont avoid you because they don’t know how to help. If they know that ‘s all you expect then maybe they will be there more for you. and if you let them know you are getting professional help they will most likely be there more for you too because they won’t feel all the weight on their shoulders. Once you get mentally and physically better then and only then should you start thinking about a relationship because otherwise you will just sabotage each one, trust me. And you have to be mentally prepared because you should tell your next partner of your rape before ever getting into a physical relationship. You do not and should not go into details even if they ask just let them know that you are a rape survivor. The reason is some guys no matter how nice they are don’t want to deal with it and will leave and you want to know before you ever get into a emotional and physical relationship with them. If you tell them and they stick around then that is a guy that you know can mentally support you and really cares. BUT you can’t do that until you are mentally strong enough. Because you have to show them that you are mentally and physically strong enough before they will want to move forward. Otherwise you will be on a vicious cycle of men using you and you go into it for the wrong reasons. Please believe me and take the right steps. It will take some time but it is 100% worth it. So take proper care of yourself and go about it the right way. I have told you how now it is up to you. You are worth it and this rape doesn’t define you it is just something that happened to you and you are a survivor and remember NOT alone! Stay strong & don’t give up. Lynn

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  16. It really does suck getting raped. I keep hearing the same words over and over again, it’s not your fault, he should be the one feeling guilty not you. It honestly does comfort me to know that people really do care about me and want to help me. At first I didn’t want to tell anyone but then I told my friend and she told my teacher who then called my mom. Don’t be afraid to tell an adult or someone very close to your heart. I learned to do that the hard way. Be true to yourself! He’s the one with the problem, not you. I know I’ve heard this plenty of times, but I really mean it. It may take time, but it’s worth the wait. Continue to be strong and beautiful.

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  17. Stumbled upon this site to deal with my stress. I personally am not a rape victim myself, but my girlfriend was. My girlfriend was assaulted when she was 14 by her cousin and then again by her ex boyfriend again the same year, at first she was hesitant on telling me because of how I would take it. She’s had this repressed for 6 years until we started dating and often I wondered about the large scar on her knee. She finally told me it was from the night that her cousin did those things to her. It was hard to take at first but I tried getting her back on her feet. She’s tried to commit suicide twice by slitting her wrist and drinks heavily but she’s been trying to recover since. It was going fine at first until I realized that he has attempted the same act more than once every year during the holidays. He would threaten her over and over again of how alive it made him feel that he’s never gonna stop. It just sickens me to hear this. I’ve informed her family and she’s told me there is a restraining order on him. But it’s the fact that he’s been sending me and her threatening messages is what’s getting to me. He talks about how he will find her when I’m at work or school. It’s gotten so bad I can’t even focus on the daily tasks at hand without worrying about her. I know she looks to me for moral support and I will always be there for her but on the inside I feel weak and powerless. I try not to show this to her to since she has been dealing with enough already. I’d just like to vent by sharing my story here, hopefully hearing what others might have to say will help me deal with this.

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    1. J. First if there is a restraining order on him then you need to save those threatening messages because that is a violation. Which leads me to wonder if he actually does have one. She would have had to report it by at the very least in court when getting the order. So I would tell her to save the messages to turn him in OR if you find out there really isn’t one to show to the family members that way they hopefully won’t invite him during the holidays and protect her. She also needs to get counseling for this ESPECIALLY if she has tried to take her life. I know it isn’t easy but it is a helluva lot easier than what she has been through and drinking too much alcohol will only make her more vulnerable to more bad things in the future, especially in her state of mind. Most people that go through this are not only ashamed but feel not worthy and when that is combined with alcohol bad things can happen again. She needs to understand that this doesn’t define her and she should not be ashamed. This only defines her cousin as a sick rapist and he should be the one feeling ashamed. Maybe with the help of family seeing or hearing those messages they can approach him and get the shame and guilt off your girlfriend and place it on him by being black balled by the family. Which they should do anyway because he could do it to another member of the family or even someone else. I would even consider taking those messages to the police as proof since that is all you have because the rape was so long ago. I understand your concern for her safety and if I was you I would save every message, don’t respond to him and take all the evidence to the police. That way hopefully he won’t be a threat to anyone else and your girlfriend will have piece of mind. Even if she has to go to court it’s way better than living scared, right. Rape is about control and everyday that goes by that he thinks he gets away with it is another day he feels more empowered and will most likely try again, especially if he is threatening to. So #1) try to get her into counseling & #2) save those messages for proof and try to get her to turn him in OR if he does in fact have a restraining order turn the messages in for violation. Stay strong and thanks so much for caring for her! Lynn

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  18. I was raped repeatedly by my boyfriends father several years ago. When I managed to get away from him he made me feel like I had hurt him really bad and he made me feel as if it was my fault. Ever since then I have just buried it, blamed myself and been happy on the surface. I had a few failed relationships that just seemed to be about sex. And then a couple of months ago an older man tried it on with me. This brought up all my bad memories and I went into a deep depression. My family noticed that something was wrong and eventually I told them what happened. They were totally devasted. I decided to turn my life around by going on a charity organised trip to Africa, at first I felt good because I had run away from my feelings. I became stronger mentally and realized I had a life and every day was a gift. But when I returned home memories still existed. I decided then that I was not going to let my past ruin another day of my life. I went on line and saw this amazing site. Thank you, Lynn you have given me so many tips and hope. I have read through other stories and oh my god. I wish everyone who has suffered such an horrific event the best of luck. You are all strong and ever so beautiful. Reading these posts has made me want to get up and sort my self out. I am going to go to a local counseller. Already writing it down has made me feel so much better.
    It is some thing, I think, that I will always carry with me. I just don’t want it to affect me and stop me being happy.
    Thanks again!

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    1. O. Thank you so much and this is exactly what I do this for so I can give people hope. You are such and amazing and STRONG person and I appreciate your kind words. But honestly I’m no better you I was just brave enough to find the counselor when I needed her the most and stick with it and not give up on myself or my life. That is all I was for everyone because none of us deserved this but what we all do deserve is to be happy again, in control of our lives and have a bright future full of love and courage! Stay strong! Lynn

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  19. I ve reciently been raped and not by jus 1person but a frew, befor this my grandfather did everything in his will power to keep this or somthing like this from haping now tht hez pased i feel as tho ive lost everything,i kep going truw the event in my head,i dont kno hw to cope is death esayer then explaining deals of such a painful and shameful event,the crazy thing is i was druged but i can remember my cousins watch as the event hapened this hapened last wekend and i jus want to for get it evre hapened,the sadess part is i was saving myslf for my husband or soon to be husband,i cnt xplain the way i feel i jus think is death eazyer……….

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    1. N. I understand how hard this is and you need to know that you are not alone and that this isn’t your fault. You ask if death is easier and let me assure you it is not, not for you or the people that love you. You need to eventually learn that you have nothing to be ashamed of. You didn’t ask for this and didn’t do anything wrong. This rape doesn’t define you only the people that did this to you and they are the ones who should be ashamed NOT you. Rape is about control and is you choose death then they remain in control. You don’t want to give them control, they have already had enough. So take back control and take care of yourself. You will get through this but you need to concentrate on the things you can change which is your future. You can not change the past so try your best to look forward and take care of yourself because no matter how much you want the past to change it won’t. So take baby steps on getting better and I would start with counseling. The only people that understand what you have been through and can truly help you feel better are people that have been through it and trained professionals. Maybe even look into group counseling, you will bond with other rape survivors and get lifelong friendships as well as hear how others have gotten through this. You can go to rainn.org and try and find the nearest counselor to you or you can try your local crisis center or rape hotline, just get the help you need buy not letting them control you anymore. Stay Strong! Lynn

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  20. I was raped at a concert yesterday. I got separated from my friends, I was drunk and I blacked out near strangers who could have drugged me, I don’t know for sure. My wallet and phone were gone so I couldn’t just walk away, the next thing I remember is waking up in the bushes. I feel like it is definitely my fault, I was drunk and I trusted some strangers as I always do, I am very lucky that I was not beat and they left me with my wallet and phone but I know my body and I know that I was raped. I am most terrified about STDs but I won’t get a rape kit, I can’t tell the police what happened because I was drunk, so it will be seen as my fault. I am joining AA but the feelings I have right now are keeping me awake, I can’t eat and I keep crying. I don’t know, I guess I just need some encouragement that it can get better

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    1. A. I truly think you are looking at this all wrong. First if you think you need to join AA I’m not going to discourage you because I don’t know your past behavior. But what I do know is that being drunk does not mean you asked to be raped. If all the people that have been raped didn’t go to the police because they were drinking then there would be a lot more rapists on the street. Albeit some officers don’t handle it with kit gloves (because they aren’t trained properly) that doesn’t mean it is your fault and a report would be made. But whether or not you decide to go to the police is up to you. What is not up to you is to say it’s your fault. It is NOT your fault and I want you to loose that mentality or you will never heal. Just because you were drinking does not give someone the right to rape you, period. And if you are going to take care of yourself through AA then you should take of your body as well by seeing the doctor. So whether you tell your doctor you were raped or not still go and get tested. I personally think I would be open with my doctor just to find out when and how often to be tested and signs to look for but that is up to you. Then you need to get professional counseling for your mental health, this is a must because the longer you wait the longer it takes to heal. The sooner the quicker and yes it will happen but you have to work on it because it’s not going to just happen. So stop blaming yourself because this doesn’t define you only the people that did this to you as rapists. Stay strong and BELIEVE it’s not your fault. Lynn

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  21. what do i do??????,i cant deal with all this pain,the memorys are also new it pains me to remember,ive told my mum and grandmother even went to the docthers jus waiting for the results a gave a mini statement to the polices but im not sure if i want to do another statement because im sacred, but i realy want to get them and make them pay for whats hapened there’ve taken my dignity there’ve done the unthinkable i remember them taking photos of me while i was geting raped people standing around laughing going thru my things reading my personal dairy, i want this to be done with,i can’t believe my own cousins set this up,i can’t believe that i coul’dnt get up screaming for help being punched unconscious i couldnt remember what hapened the nxt day i felt as if i had sexs,but the thing is i havent had sexs for 2years because thts how long my partners been locked up for i dont no what to do????,theres still alot to xplain but thats all i can cope with today….thanx for jus hearing me

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    1. N. as I put in my first reply you truly need to get counseling. I know it is hard but it is not as hard as what you have already been through. You obviously need and are ready to talk. You need to know the more you let out the more room you have to heal, so don’t be scared or feel ashamed because whether you feel like it right now you are STRONG! You are strong and ready for help. A professional counselor is not going to judge you they are going to help you. I would definitely look for a women counselor. You are strong & brave because you are going through the right steps, the doctor and the police. You may not feel it but you are so brave. If you haven’t yet read through the entire website to give you some other ideas to take the stress off. But I promise you the hardest part of counseling is walking through the door. Once you are able to talk to someone that cares, listens and helps you will feel so much better. Trust me. And the longer you wait the longer it takes to heal. You can go through the over 1000 posts and won’t find any that has been able to deal on their own, no matter how long they thought they could and tried it didn’t work, so don’t wait. Stay strong! Lynn

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  22. This past Saturday. I went to get a tattoo with a couple of friends. After the tattoo my friend invited the 3 tattoo guys back to her house to play beer pong. We drank beer did a few shots sat around and talked. I eventually got really sleepy went to my friends bedroom and since I wear a cpap (a sleep apnea device) I put it on and was down for the night. When I woke up next one of the guys had come in my pants were missing my panties were ripped and his fingers were inside of me. He was talking very dirty and wouldn’t remove his hand. i was eventually able to get away from him and when I ran to the door it was locked and I stumbled out of the room. I guess I feel all kinds of crazy because it wasn’t actual rape in as far as his penis never entered me… so why am I still freaking out about this. I told a few people and the people who were at the house know and some of the remarks have been “well it could have been worse”. I feel like I should be happy that I got off so lucky when it could have been much worse. The thing is I am so ANGRY at him and at the world just in a very angry place right now. He didn’t have a chance to really rape me so why am I so angry about this?

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    1. S. You have every right to be angry because you were still sexually assaulted and violated. It kills me when peopl say it could have been worse because you still go through pretty much the same feelings. Don’t listen to them because I guarantee if it was them they would be feeling the same way, just toss it up to ignorance of their behalf. It sounds like you know who they are so have you considered reporting them. If you still have your clothes that you had on and hopefully haven’t washed them you can use that as evidence. If they ask why you didn’t do it sooner tell them you were scared and in shock. If you don’t report (it is up to you) but they will most likely do it again. I don’t mean with you just saying it sounds like that wasn’t their first time so until someone turns them in it won’t be their last. Nevertheless since this is still a sexual assault you should seek counseling especially since it sounds like no one around you is supporting you. You can call your local crisis center or even go to rainn.org but you are experiencing common feelings. And honestly if you weren’t I would wonder why. Read through the site to give you some ideas on how to deal at home but try and get professional help. Stay strong! Lynn

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  23. I was seventeen ( now just turned 20) and moved in with my boyfriend at the time… things were good for about a month when he started getting abusive he hit and kicked me choked me several times a couple so much that i blacked out…. his sexual needs became his right and what ever he said went… even if i said no he forced me, and if i fought back he threatened to kill my family …. it went on for three months, my family was starting to wonder why i was never there and truth was i wasnt allowed too… then his friends started coming over, and the four of them …. took turns raping me…. then after degraded me more… my bf took a black marker and drew on me where i “needed work” and … then i was forced b one of the guys to give them all oral sex…. he held a knife to my throat the entire time and said if i bit any of them he would scar my face so bad i would scare children…. they came back three times before i packed some of my stuff and left… my now ex bf has tried contacting me and i have ran into one of the guys at the store…. but through all of that the best thing about my life happened… i had my son…. but i am struggling a lot with everything because if i wish that it never happened then i feel guilty because i have my son…. i dont know what to do and i know this was a very quick glance at what happened but … what went on still wakes me up in the middle of the night, i still get sick at the smell of certain colognes and i havent had a relationship since…. i have put on lots of weight and in my head i am telling myself that if i am “ugly” then i wont get hurt like that again…. it is stupid i know but again i never want that to ever happen again… they took everything from me and i have nothing left i put on a smile and say everything is okay but when i close my eyes at night i see their faces i taste them and i spend a great deal of time crying myself to sleep…. i just dont know what to do….

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    1. S. You need to get into counseling asap. It’s not easy but is easier than what you’ve already been through. If you could get through that you can get through counseling and not only do you need it for you you need to do it for your son. Rape is the second most traumatic thing that can happen behind death and we are not wired on how to deal with it. You owe it to your future and your son. It is not only going to help you cope now but in the future as your son gets older and how you are going to deal with him when he wants to know where his daddy is. The longer you wait the harder it will be, please trust me on this. There are several other things you can do to try and cope in the interim of counseling like writing out your feelings about an hour before bed as a mental release. The more you get in the habit the better sleep you will start to have which ultimately leads to less anxiety. All your anxiety is felt by your son now and will continue. Also maybe you can try yoga in the evening before bed to calm you down so you aren’t crying yourself to sleep. But just empty your thoughts on paper and then maybe you can even take what you wrote to the counselor to help get your conversation started. Write down any triggers too so she can help you with those. But remember the longer you wait is everyday that your ex is still in control of your life and future. Because rape is about control and every day you aren’t getting proper help and are living with thoughts that are consuming you, is another day he is in control. And I would also suggest if you are running into these guys to take a self defense class. Because by not reporting them, they feel they are still in control and will most likely do it again. Probably not with you, but self defense classes will not only help you with your sense of security but your confidence level too. So call your local crisis center or go to rainn.org to find the nearest counselor to you. Stay strong! Lynn

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  24. How do you handle it when it was someone you loved. Mine was my first true love and the guy who took my virginity. We were together for over three years throughout high school. I would of has a 5year old this year with him. We had a bad break up and didnt talk for at least 2 years. We finally became friends again. He seemed like a change guy. Than almost 2he months now my grandma passed away he was there for me held me while i cried comforted me rubbed my back and was just the for me it wasnt till the 12is of may i was really sick. He came over than did what he did. I tried to fight back but didnt have any strength. I cried while he did what he did. I keep asking myself all these why questions. And i just dont understand. Im not a very open person as it is and i just am trying not to push absolutely everyone away. Im in alot of pain. I dont know what else to do. Please can you help me.

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    1. R. I’m so sorry that you lost your grandmother then this happened to you. The first thing if you didn’t turn him in is to stay as far away as possible from him. Rape is about control and I’m assuming he knows a lot about you like where you live, go, work. etc. so if you didn’t turn him in then he still feels like he is in control and it could possibly happen again. Especially if he doesn’t feel like it was rape but that you “owed” him and he cares about you. Rapists like to use that line a lot when they know the person they raped. So stay away from him whatever that takes, even if you have to move if he starts harrassing you. I might even get some pepper spray and always beware of your surroundings. Secondly take a self defense class for your own protection and thirdly get into counseling. I would also tell someone that you know and can trust so they know what you are going through. Someone that you can call 24/7 if you need help or just support. Don’t try to deal with all this yourself. Call your local crisis center, school counselor or go to rainn.org to find the nearest counselor to you. But I’m concerned that he doesn’t see it as rape and may be back. Please keep safe. Stay strong! Lynn

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  25. I got raped from yhem ages from 4 till around 11 I never told anyone because I thought that no one would love me and no one would want to know or be with me. I subpressed my feelings up untilled I was 17 and having bad panicked attacks that I told my parents. I went to the police and reported it but they could do anything cause there was enough evidence.. But I let out some of my emtions then but I still have a lot built up in me which I donte know how to explain or understand myself. I feel like my nan doesnt believe me as she has let my uncle the person who raped me back into here house. Then I have the feelings likr I have no surrport and iv still got so much to deal with I dony know where to start or how to.. I understand know it wasnt my fault it was him not me but im now just still kinder feel cause it happened to me im going to find it really hard to find a realsonship as I just feel like thats over me and who wants to be with someone whose been raped. My brother doesnt know I often worry it might have happens to him aswell. I have and eating disorder which is my control which sounds stupid but I wont eat much or nothing at all I donte deal with things ivy pushed it away again and just try to get on with my life like iy didnt happrn whivh isnt helping I know I just donte know how to get help and express my feelingso

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    1. Hh. It kills me when you find your strength to finely tell someone and then they don’t believe you and you are put in harms way again. But no matter what they believe you need to take care of yourself through counseling. This happened for so long and you grew up this way that you absolutely need counseling or this will haunt you the rest of your life. Counseling will help you have the bright future you deserve and need. I would definitely talk to your brother too. Tell him what happened to you to see if he tells you it happened to him. I hope it didn’t but if it did you need to tell your parents and then maybe they will believe you. At the very least you might have the evidence you need then for the police. But I’m more worried about you both being around your uncle. If you ever feel scared or threatned I would plead with your family to not let the uncle in your house and don’t give up, especially if he is harming your brother. Try writing your feelings down like any triggers that you have or when you are having a bad day and take that to the counselor to help get the conversation started. And if you have a good friend that you trust like maybe you could stay with when your uncle is there, tell them everything and ask for their support. Let the person know you don’t expect them to have the answers just a safe place to go or a shoulder to cry on when you are having a bad day. Someone that you can call 24/7 and feel safe around. But you MUST get professional counseling, because this happened at your most vulnerable and impressionable years and will affect you in so many ways without the proper help. I would also take a self defense class so you won’t feel so powerless. Stay strong and get help! Lynn

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  26. I was drinking one night with this guy and he wanted to come back to my apartment with me. I was a virgin and did not intend on having sex and he knew this. When we got back to my apartment he insisted i keep drinking. By the end of the night I had have 12 shots and was passing out. I woke up naked and there was blood on my bed and bruises over my body. This was a year ago and I still cant get it out of my head. I had put it out of my mind and didnt think it bothered me until my hair started falling out. Now i have large bald spots on my head and am getting treated for this. How can I make the memories stop coming up whenever I get physical with someone. Now when they hold my arms down or anything I start crying and refuse to let them touch me. I just want this to go away how can I feel safe again and trust men agan. I told my friends and they dont think its that big of a deal. Was it just drunk sex, am i just being dramatic? I dont know what to do.

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    1. C. When your so called friends act like that a lot of the time something similar has happened to them and they blow it off because they don’t want to admit it was rape OR they are ignorant and def NOT your true friends. That being said if your hair is falling out you could be having some form of PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) which is common in rape survivors. So you might want to come clean with your doc and ask him what he thinks. But I promise if you get proper counseling it will help tremendously with everything. I wouldn’t be talking about it with your so called friends because they aren’t helping or giving you the support you need. Stay strong! Lynn

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  27. a couple months ago i wrote to you for the second time and checked in every day to see if you had replied, as far as i know my comment was never posted or replied to although i could have left my name wrong or not read properly. anyway i keep having dreams about the rape that took place at the end of 2010. i guess you could call them nightmares. every little detail. every little scream and comment made, remains in my head. i know when it happened i should have followed through with the councilling but at the time the last thing i wanted to do was talk about it especially with people i didnt know. so here i am, a little drunk, with the subject on my head, looking for a way out, a way to help me. alcohol and drugs seem to be the only thing i know these days. i trust nobody. i dont even trust myself. i feel completely lost. i’m an 18 year old female, only 16 at the time this happened, i dont attend school, i dont have a job, or any idea what i want to do with my life. i feel lost. partically because of what happened. last year i tried to commit suicide because of it. 65 pills, 65 pills wasted. woke up in hospital with my mother in the seat next to me crying. i realised i dont want the easy way out. i need help. please help me.

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    1. M.R. Just so you know suicide is not the easy way out by no means. I’m so glad that it didn’t work. When you commit suicide it means the rapist won and has control of you. Everyday that you live in this nightmare he is still in control of you which is why you MUST get counseling. Not sure if they gave you some when you tried the suicide but they should have. You need to now look at is as a stranger you need to look at it as someone that can help you get through this and will be there for you. The reason you feel you can’t deal is because you are keeping this all locked up. You need to let it out. The more you let out the more room you have to heal. Trust me on this. That is why you have come here because there is no judgment and empathy. That is exactly what you are gonna get through counseling. It’s not easy but it isn’t as hard as what you went through and it is the ONLY thing that is gonna help. I would suggest writing before you go to bed about whatever is on your mind, how your day was, if you’ve had anything that triggers feeelings. You can take it to the counselor so she has specifics to work with and can help with your triggers. But write before bed get it all out of your head and then try some calming yoga. Try and do this every night and little by little it will help with the nightmares and improve your sleep. Once your sleep improves then your anxiety will lower. But stop turning to alcolhol & drugs because it is only a temporary mask and when the mask is gone you only feel worse. I know you aren’t working so call your local crisis center or go to rainn.org and get the counseling you need. Take back control of your life and don’t give this guy another day! It ill be so worth it and you deserve a bright life and future. You are stronger than you realize so stay strong and I’m glad you now recognize that wasn’t the answer. Lynn

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  28. My baby sister who is now 13 just recently told me she was raped when she was between the ages of 4-8. The perpetrator was a friend of my uncle’s and he was around the age of 18-20. I honestly believe her because although he never touched me, my other sisters have also came to me and said he did do some creepy things and I personally have witnessed it. I don’t know what to do. I feel hopeless, angry, and scared to even tell my parents. I come from a very traditional culture where rape is a hush-hush subject. I’m afraid my parents will not support my sister and I’m afraid that what they’ll say or think will just make my sister not want to share this with anyone. Can you charge someone of rape if it happened 5 years ago? How do I help my sister? I’m lost.

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    1. Big sis, Well the first thing you need to do to help is to suggest that she get counseling, because that is a necessity in her future happiness. I promise you it will affect her life detrimentally in every way if she doesn’t. That being said you can’t make her only suggest and help her, she has to go when she is ready or it will only make things worse. As far as charging this man, if it was only on her it would be difficult. BUT if you have several people that say they were too it makes it a lot easier. Even if they weren’t raped, molestation or sexual assaulted helps the case in a major way. The other thing is if your sister has never had sex (other than the rape) you might be able to take her to the doctor to help your case stating she is not a virgin. But whether or not you have a case, just going to the police and putting this guy on the radar would help deter him from doing this again. But if you have several people that he has done this to, I’d gather them up talk to them and see if you can all go turn him in. I know you are worried about your parents but I’m more worried about your sister and the others that he hurt. And the reason rape is hush hush is because too many people turn their heads, don’t be a part of that community, please. Stand up for your sister and yourself! It won’t be easy but it’s worth it. If you were in her shoes wouldn’t you want someone to stand up for you? Stay strong! Lynn

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  29. I have been to counselling i have for over a year now…. but i cannot open up to her i just sit there crying i cant get it out… if i tell her everything i have to remember everything i have to go through it all over again, i have tried writing it down i have several times but i feel stupid… why would i write it down it feels like i want to remember it and i dont i want it all out of my head and never think of their faces again! I try to drown myself in taking care of my son keeping busy but it sneaks up, smells and sounds, things that trigger the memories and the anxiety starts, i went to get a job so i can pay back my parents who have been helping me tons and i went and got to the interview but the guy who was interviewing me was wearing a cologne that smelled like one fo the guys i had to leave…. i tried sitting them and ignoring it but the room wasnt very big and i felt almost claustrophobic… i cant even get a job.. how pathetic is that! A friend of me says i need to get out and into the dating game to get over the feeling that im never going to be “safe” with a guy… i always feel that they have a hidden agenda that as soon as i let my guard down he will end up hurting me………
    I realize my son is going to on day ask where his daddy is… and right now i do not have an answer and i have brought this up with my therapist but she never talks about it really she asks how i will deal with it… but the problem is i have no idea how i am going to deal with it…. she is always asking me how i want to “get over” this and i always answer i dont know…. because i really have no idea how to, it scares me to think that i even have to bring it up never mind having to talk about it all…. She wants to focus on the now and hardly wants to touch on the past she wants me to move forward and forget the past, which would be great except i cant! she told me to shove all the feelings of what happened into a bin in my head so i cannot think about them so it wont affect me… problem is i cannot do that either! some days when i bring my son to the park there is a guy there with his daughter and he talks to me but i always make a point of going to the other side of the park and almost shouting out our conversation… if i am close to him then whats to stop him from hurting me at the park… its secluded…… he is a nice guy but in the back of my head i see all the awful things that could go on …. i know it is wrong to think that every guy has an alternate motive to everything…. but it comes though strong……the took everything from me, i dont even know who i am anymore, i feel like i am a shell of who i use to be.

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    1. S. My first suggestion is to change counselors, I don’t know any counselor that won’t let you talk about it and tells you lock it up in a bin. You have to talk and get it out and that is the only way to determine triggers and overcome them, in my opinion. Secondly you said you want it out of your head, that’s why I suggested to write it out, especially if you aren’t able to at counseling. You don’t have to write about the rape just how you are feeling at the time, things that happened that day, any triggers you had, like the cologne at your job interview. These are thing you also need to discuss with the RIGHT counselor. I’d go to rainn.org if I was you and find the nearest counselor that specializes in rape. Let me make another suggestion since you feel that you can’t even work because of the affect this has had on you. Go to your doctor and be honest, you don’t need to necessarily go into the details of the rape but be honest of how the affects are still on you and affecting your life and ask him if you are suffering from PTSD. If you are he can suggest medications to help you cope until you can get better. I’m so glad you are doing the right steps of counseling BUT you are seeing the wrong one. And again try the writing because I promise you it is a mental release that gets things out of your head and onto paper, then do the yoga before bed after you wrote about your feelings. I do agree that you need to look forward BUT you have to deal with the past to get to the future. Now that being said when I say “deal with the past” I mean working through it, not anxiety over (albeit I understand there is anxiety) and living in the past. I mean properly dealing with it so you can get your head straight to learn how to look forward. And as far as dating, no no no no! You are not ready for that, again you have to get your head straight before you can ever think about dating. Because the first rule of being a rape survivor is to tell the person you are dating BEFORE any sexual relations. No details just that you are a rape survivor. You need to know before you give yourself if they can be empathetic and strong for you or not, especially before you get emotionally attached. So please no, take care of yourself first and start by getting a new counselor, one that makes you feel comfortable and then you will open up, that;s how you know if they are the right one, I promise! Stay strong! Lynn

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  30. …. That site rainn.org is only for the states… im from canada….

    My counsellors theory is that i need to not think about what happened that that way i will get over it…. she made me visualize a container of some sort then told me everytime i have thoughts or something happens that triggers it to put it in the bin and not think about it… to shove it out of my head…. but it doesnt work what so ever, i tried it and it didnt work…. PTSD even after all this time? i was 17 im now 20, i find myself pathetic for even being stuck on this whole thing.. i hate it!
    I will try writing it down, i write a lot actually it helps most times, if im feeling super anxious or just having a bad day i put music on and write, sometimes stories sometimes i just write anything and everything that comes to mind………..
    I dont understand why i cannot get over what happened….. When i was 15 i was raped in my apartment building after babysitting … it took me a year but now it is taking so much longer…. before i went to a therapist and then it went away i hardly think about it now…. but this one is different… every little thing reminds me of something, showering i remember sitting in the bottom of the tub crying until the water ran cold and my lips turned blue…. putting makeup on i am reminded that i am ugly any ways so what is the point? its everything, it surrounds me and i cant get away from it, i have tried running away tried screaming at the top of my lungs to get rid of feelings but it is all still there…. from emotional scars to physical ones it is always there or just right behind me… I have had a really tough life the past 10 years my whole family has, we were homeless and i was pregnant, we got into a car accident and stuff, everyone in my family can move on from things, my sister who was addicted to crack now has a job an apartment and is doing fantastic and she is 18…. i feel like a failure and i need to get over the hurdle of what they did but … it is difficult… i will try to the yoga and writing my feelings down…. and seek a better therapist, i live in a very small town and do not drive, but i will look around. thank you for reading all my ramblings.

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    1. S. This is the perfect reason why you need a new therapist, you said “your emotional to physicals scars are always there or right behind you”. I’ve been trained ONLY in rape counseling and I tell people that rape is like your shadow, you can not run from it. The only way to deal is to turn and face it head on. That is why I know the therapist is not right for you. I’m so sorry that you’ve been going for so long with no real help, but that also leads be to believe it is not all you like you think. It is also because you have been getting the absolute wrong advice. So you feel like more of a failure becuase you’re not getting anywhere. So stop blaming yourself and blame your therapist. Take a deep breath and look for someone new. I didn’t realize you were in Canada. You can go to ibiblio.org or just google rape counselors canada and hopefully find someone near you. I know you are in a remote town so let them know you don’t drive if there is not one near you and ask if anyone does counseling over the phone. I know they do that in the US so maybe Canada. Also as far as PTSD people don’t even sometimes realize they have it until they can’t get their life back together as they would normally so yes it is a possibility. So check all these things out because you are worth it and I know you are ready! Stay strong. Lynn

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  31. I was 16 when I was raped. I am now 19. I guess I’m lucky because I barely have any real memories from the night. Lucky for me, the incident was video taped and shown to me when I came to in the morning. I still blame myself. See, I’m one of those girls who drank too much, blacked out, and then learned of the events of the evening before. I don’t know, just please listen to my story.

    My friend was dying to lose her virginity. She knew and kind of liked this guy she had met and seen only once or twice. His parents weren’t home and she was going to go to his house with the intention of finally losing her virginity. However, she was still unsure about the whole thing so I offered to tag along in case she changed her mind or something went wrong. So he brought a friend and she brought me. I was the “safe, reliable” one because at the time I had very strong views about drinking and I had a boyfriend to whom I was very loyal.

    It was some random house in a city like 30 minutes from our town. Of course all sorts of alcohol was present and the three of them sat at the kitchen table to begin. Ironically, I went into the living room after saying my hellos and watched 40-Year-Old Virgin for a while. You can imagine getting bored while you hear all the laughter and fun coming from the other room. I finally allowed them to convince me to come at least sit with them. The guys explained to me how they got this citrus flavored vodka for the “chicks” and captain for the men. To this day I gag from just the smell of it. After a while of sitting there, the boys started to insist I at least have a sip. How can I judge something if I’ve never tried it? Makes sense I guess. I continued to drink, sitting there at the kitchen table. I didn’t feel anything so I kept drinking. Finally I stood up and fell on the floor, breaking my glass. Everything after that is fuzzy. I remember them wanting to write “CHAMP” on my forehead…. the next thing I remember is attempting cartwheels in the back yard… then throwing up… a lot… and crying for my boyfriend to take care of me. I also remember the kid repeatedly saying, “everybody likes mike” just over and over again.

    Well… I woke up in the morning in clothes that weren’t mine and the two boys telling me about what happened the night before. I didn’t believe them. I thought that they were just trying to make me worry. People do that all the time when their friends black out. Well, like I said earlier there were videos. They gave me the phone and let me watch. What I saw was so disturbing. I was complaining about how I couldn’t lift my arms or my head or any part of my body and how I didn’t know where I was. I kept asking them what was happening and where my boyfriend was as they told me to shut up because no one likes a girl that talks too much. I hate myself for deleting the videos, but that was just my first instinct.

    I grabbed my friend, left behind all our clothes and stuff, and left as soon as I could. The guys didn’t understand why I was crying or why I was running out the door. One even begged me to leave my boyfriend…. Anyway, I was so ashamed of myself I told no one for the longest time. I drove myself insane with the secret and ended up breaking up with my boyfriend. When I finally did tell him what had happened to me that night he told me I deserved it and that he didn’t even believe me. He said I probably asked for it the whole night. When I told my brother, he punched the windshield of my car so hard it cracked. No one else I told believed me so I decided it wasn’t worth it to tell anyone. But the secret got out senior year and everybody hated me. Rumor had it that every weekend I had to go into far away towns to get some because no one in my school would touch me. As if sex was something I even wanted anymore.

    Oh and what happened to my friend? Well the guys barely touched her and to “get back at me” she hooked up with every guy I ever liked.

    Now I’ve been in a relationship for about 14 months and it is far from perfect. Sex is something that I just get so weirded out by lately and can’t enjoy anymore. In the beginning I felt like it was something I had to do but now I thought I was secure enough in our relationship to not feel that way anymore, but its a big deal to him. He tries, but doesn’t understand why or what’s “suddenly happened” to me. He doesn’t understand why I sometimes cringe when he touches me or says certain things to me. Our relationship continues to change and the second I feel like I don’t have the control in it anymore I start this huge fight and threaten to break up with him. He basically begs for me to not, I feel powerful again, and everything’s okay for a little until it happens again. This has to be related to how powerless I was that night, right? I don’t know what to do anymore and just need some help getting over this.
    And one last thing. I apologize for the length of this; I have never ever sought help before, but I also have nightmares almost every night… but none of them seem related to this incident. Could they still be related?

    Thank you so much for your time

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    1. J. Yes your nightmares can totally be related to your insecurities you are going through, especially if they are coming more often than before while you are going through this with your boyfriend. I do believe your actions are drawn from the fact that you weren’t in control then and feel that need to be in control. I also feel that until you get some professional counseling that this is going to be a vicious cycle and you aren’t going to be able to have the healthy relationship that you need and deserve. So find a counselor and get the help you need. also if you haven’t told your boyfriend you should BUT not the details only that your actions are stemming from your rape. The only person that needs to know the details is your counselor or other rape survivors, as in group counseling. That is an option for you as well. But your boyfriend needs to know about the rape so he can have empathy & support for you as you are going through this. Stay strong! Lynn

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  32. I was raped at the age of 5 and I remember it clearly every day . I am now 20 suffer from depression and horrible anxiety ‘ I can’t ever sleep because I feel as if he’s going to get me , idk what to do with myself I feel as if everyone is out to get me ! Everything just seems to get worse everyday I’m more miserable !!!! Help me please

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    1. L.this is a perfect example of why every person that has been through rape needs professional counseling. It never goes away HOWEVER you can learn how to cope so it is not negatively effecting your life. The only way to learn how to do that is getting professional help. And you are proof that the longer you wait the more it effects every aspect of your life and the longer it will take to heal. So get to a counselor as soon as you possibly can because until you do this rape will control your life. You need to take back control of your own life immediately. You can go to rainn.org or call your local crisis center or if you have health insurance go through your plan. But you deserve a positive future so take the necessary steps to get there. Stay strong! Lynn

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  33. I was raped 2 years ago, and did not get to reporting part. I was in another country at the time, so I was fine with just not seeing him ever again. Only I spend 6 months being depressed after. I started over-drinking and went to the university counsellor(I cant afford actual one). With telling her half-truth about it I got to work over parts of it, enough to stop drinking and get better. And I did get better. Mostly I was great, besides the fact that I couldn’t keep a relationship, or sleep with anyone. Now I am in a loving relationship with a person who is also a very special friend to me. We have been together close to 4 months now, and I have never been happier with anyone.
    And now that I thought I was done with it I started having flashbacks again, being more emotional, like every second thing is triggering me. I started being depressed again, ignoring work I have to do, being unable to sleep or eat, and being nauseous again every time something close to it gets mentioned. I don’t know why I feel like this again. May be being in good relationship led me to believe I am over it, and I want to be a writer one day, I didn’t like leaving things unexpressed. When it happened I didn’t remember parts of it, and now I started writing it down. I showed it only to my partner only.
    And then the more I wrote the more upsetting it was. Some parts were more violent than I wanted to accept. And then I was at festival for short movies, and every second movie I saw involved rape. Since then I had to admit I have been mildly depressed for half a year. Feeling like throwing up every time I see the word, or having flashbacks didn’t help. I am grateful every day I have a partner whom I love, and who is supportive more than I ever trusted anyone would be. I think I’m on my way to completely recover, but the last month has still been like hell, and I have the sense I have no control over anything anymore. I will try to do all I can, exercise and be more healthy, talk to him when I need talking…I even finally admitted my best friend the whole truth. Some days I begin to see through the pain, some days are worse than I felt after it happened. I am also possibly taking self defense class. I’m doing what I can, but I’m starting to really tired of all the talking and remembering. Any additional advice would be welcome. Thanks.

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    1. A. Let me start by saying you seem very strong and are doing a lot of good things. I do think because you are in a relationship and if it is sexual is what is probably bringing up these raw emotions. One thing I would like to suggest is that you don’t share the details with your partner. You definitely did the right thing by telling him BUT the only person that needs to know the details is possibly a close friend that you can trust and more importantly a counselor. I know you stated you had some counseling but you never went through the proper counseling you need if you didn’t explain exactly what happened. So my recommendation is to get back in counseling not only for you but in order to have a healthy relationship which you deserve. I’m not sure why you felt you couldn’t tell the whole story but you need to know there is nothing you did wrong to deserve to be raped. I’m sure your partner will feel better as well that you are getting professional help because when they are the only ones you talk to they take on this burden of trying to help you but they don’t know how. By getting counseling you will take that burden off him and he will feel much better as will you. Stay strong! Lynn

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  34. I’m 18 years old this happened to me last year. I was a happy girl. I was not an A student yet I always tryed my best to get good grade threw out high school. I did party and I did drink. It was hard for me to make friends in high school so I kept contact with my middle school friendship did not attend the same high school as I. I new Evelyn for 6 years. We were best friends we had been threw so much together. I had also gotten very close to my cousin Jenny she was 20 at the timme and Jenny were close for 4 years. I was so close to these to girls. The reason I mention them is because these girls who I thought would always be by my side ended up making my life a livin hell after the the tragedie. It was a Friday evening and I received a call from eveylns my middle school friend she invites me to a party with a famousr dj by her house. I had already gone to A few of his party’s and I had a lot o fun. Me and Evelyn had grown a bit apart at this time she had new friends and I stoped hanging with her for a several months. So when she invited me I was excited I saw it as “” we are catching up on old days “” so I got dropped off at her house . We got ready and her friends began to arrive they seemed cool I thought it was going to be a great night. We arrived at the party with 2 of Evelyn’s guy friends who drove a truck. I remember arriving and it was empty there was like 9 guys we stayed for a while then decided to leave I regret not leaving at that moment. One we were getting inside the truck to go to another party we see that alot of ppl begin to arrive and then we see the dj so we parked and went back I remember I did not want to drink after my 3 wine I began to dance and then I remember giving my cellphone to one of eveylns friends after txting my mom. She was carting a purse so I asked et if she can keep my phone for the night. She had my cell in her purse. It was 111am I had curfew at 12am so did eveyln so we began to walk to the front to wait for the guy friends to bring the truck and pick us up in front of the party we has heels and were real tired of dancing while waiting I noticed the girl with my cell was not there so I asked eveyln and she said she was going to stay at the party so I told her she had my cell and I told her I was going to look for the last thing eveyln told me was I’ll be here. I went looking for this girl with to et my cell at this time the party was over packed of people it was dark and this girl was wearing black and short so It was very hard to find. I couldn’t find her so I decided to just go with eveyln and get my cellphone the next day keep in mind I had a verges and If I wanted to go out Saturday I had to be at my house on time. I walk to where eveyln and her other girl friends were waiting and they were not here anymore I looked and waited at that same spot for a few minutes . I remember where te guy ha parked and I decided to walk. I walked twords where he was parked I didn’t make it to the corner I remember him grabbing me from the back and I choose not to remember what happened after that.I went home because a couple found me on the floor they drove me home and after that I can say my life changed completly . I took a shower the next mor ing I cryed I thoughtthus is it my life ends here And why me .my mom asked why I cryed and all I told her was eveyln left me and I got scared but my friend brought me home. She forced me to call eveyln to get my phone back and when eveyln anwsered and I thought tellin her while being locked in my room will help my situation but she after I told her she told me that the only thing that really mattered was that she got home safe. I couldn’t react to it at the moment do I didn’t say much to her . I called Jenny my cousin right after and she told me she was going to apart but she could be at my house tommarow. I then turned my friend nancy who I had never been close to and she arrived at my house and took me tithe station and that’s how my gpa rents and older brother found out. I love nancy I Concidering et my sister. My parents have helped alotan I’ve been to counciling but after 6 months counciling stoped. I dnt feel any better I try to move on with life but how !? How do you cope!??? I have been trying to feel better by talking to ppl but hen I regret telling them bcuz I feel like they are going to feel sorry for me and I dnt need not want that !! I’m in fear mode I avoid foun places i dnt feel safe anywhere not even with my parents there it’s a living hell! I stoped all comunication with everyone from the past those 2 girls have reached out to my mom Nd asked for me and my mom tells them to stopp bugging!
    I hate them all ! I hate my life I feel numb and I wonder if I will ever heal..

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    1. B.L. Well if you stopped counseling and you aren’t better then you need to keep seeing your counselor. Maybe you should try a different one if you feel the first isn’t helping, just don’t give up. Also, I wouldn’t just tell people because their normal actions are to act like it never happened or a lot of times they make things worse. The only people that need to know are maybe 1 or 2 GOOD friends that you can trust and obviously your family , and I’m glad they are helping and supporting you. The ONLY person you need to be truly talking to and going into detail with is your counselor. It is not something that has a time limit on that you should be better by this time. It is all in how hard you work at it, through counseling and other things like take a self defense class. That will help with your sense of security and you confidence level. Also try yoga, you can buy a $7 DVD and do it at home when you are feeling stressed, the breathing alone whether or not you are even doing the exercises right or not will help. Maybe get a cat or dog that will show you love unconditionally and that you can always turn to. I would recommend a rescue because they truly give so much love and appreciation. So don’t beat yourself up that you aren’t where you want to be but instead work harder to get there. And as far as those so called friends, now you know they were never your true friends, and just shows their ignorance. So don’t worry about them another second and show appreciation to those that were there or are there now. Stay strong! Lynn

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  35. Firstly, my heart goes out to people on this forum. No-one knows how it feels until it happens to them and I wish I could hug people here and let them sob their hearts out and vent their anger – all the emotions that his horrible crime causes, and know that all of it is accepted.

    Secondly, I am very grateful to the person who left the original article starting this forum on her experience of rape – the fact that you feel so alone, that it’s up to you to bring your life back to normal, that you just cannot predict how family and friends will react.

    For myself, I feel that the emotions I feel following being raped three weeks ago, are too ugly and too much for anyone to deal with face to face. This is why I decided to post my feelings anonymously here.

    I am not a young woman, I am 44 years old and was raped by someone I’ve known and cared about for 20 years. As a result of this, a huge amount of my life, everything associated with him, has been tainted – not just my feelings about sex and intimacy, and love and trust, but my feelings about socialising, where I can go for a drink, where to socialise, people we know, things I was involved in for years, my creativity and spirituality – all of these things have been affected.

    The feeling I am dealing with tonight is rage. I want to destroy something, I would like to destroy him. I have reported it and given my statement, but I know that there’s practically no evidence that will lead to charging or conviction. He will be questioned, but can of course say ‘one thing led to another, it was consensual – she didn’t fight or scream’. If he has a lawyer he can say ‘co comment’ to any question even if it’s ‘what’s your name’. There won’t be any justice.

    I would like to know if other forum members have felt overwhelming rage, and how they coped, or cope with it.

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    1. Goldstars, actually I (Lynn) am the only one that runs the forum, however that doesn’t mean someone can not comment back to you and I hope they do. For me personally the way I got over the rage is by two different stages I had to go through. #1) Was my stage of letting go of the fact that I was raped and shifting my emotions to the fact that I was alive. That was the biggest life changer in all of this. Because anyone who can go through with horrible senseless action of raping someone can easily do much worse things without even premeditation due to something going not the way they anticipated. And honestly there is no right way to rape it is all wrong and no one can ever really think it will go down a certain way, even if you are drugged. Therefore one tiny thing could not go the way they planned and you could be dead just because they wanted to shut you up or stop fighting. This is another reason (and a very valid reason) that some people don’t fight back because they know this is already wrong and could get a lot worse. So I tried very hard (easier some times than others) to focus on the positive that I was alive. Albeit I went back and forth because I didn’t know if this was the life I wanted to live being a victim. But I decided it was because it was better than dying a death of being raped and how everyone would see my death. I had a life that I did have control over and as soon as I stopped letting the rape control my life I would do my best to be happy again for me and the people who loved me. Step #2) I learned forgiveness! Don’t get me wrong I did NOT forgive the person (s) that did this to me but I forgave myself for all the guilt I had. Why did I except a drink from this stranger, I know better. Why did I feel so ashamed. I also forgave my family who thought it best not to talk about it and act like it never happened because then it might go away. I realized that it was just their ignorance – not intentional but still ignorance. But I forgave them because I knew they loved me and they did it because they loved me not to hurt me. Once I was able to do those 2 things it gave me the strength and power to focus on the future that I had and to look at it positively. This made me happier because I knew I was in control of my own future and I felt better concentrating on what I could control rather than what was out of my control. This seemed to make me feel calmer and more at peace. Mind you all of these lessons I learned were directly from the counseling that I went through for just over a year and also was what enabled me to do what I do now. Hope that helps! Lynn

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  36. I was raped five years ago by my cousin. I was twelve at the time. The rapes went on for two years. I did become pregnant as a result of one of the rapes. It broke my heart but I did abort the baby. I had a boyfriend at the time who was abusive towards me. I told him that I was pregnant and thats when the abuse worsened. My boyfriend brainwashed me into thinking the baby was his and that we were having a girl. Luckily I did move schools and was able to get out of that relationship. The abortion took a toll on me, I regret it to this day, but I was twleve and the baby resulted from incest which results in higher complications. It has been five years since the abortion and I still cannot seem to move on from it. I feel like its my fault I was raped and that I shoudldn’t have let it go on for that long or that I could’ve put myself on birth control, just something, anything I could have done to prevent it. And I recently found out that I cannot get pregnant. I did read through your steps and already do about half of them but I just can’t seem to move on. Anything would be helpful at this point. Thank you

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    1. N. I could be wrong but I think it might be possible that you are confusing your feelings. I think you are harboring deep unresolved feelings about your rape and blaming them on the fact that you had the abortions therefore you are taking all this blame and guilt on. Isn’t it possible that you did the right thing for the baby AND you. I would never recommend a child giving birth to a child. It would NOT be an easy or happy life for either of you. And I can almost promise you that because of the difficult times you and that child would go through you would end up resenting the child. In my opinion you did the right thing for you both, mentally and physically. So try to let go of that guilt because as child is not suppose to be brought into this world that way, period, not when you are a child. Now you say you can’t have children, of course you can just not in the biological way. You have adoption or finding a surrogate. So stop thinking about I can’t and start thinking about how you can. I know it is a major let down not doing it biologically BUT you still did the right thing at the age of 12. The other thing you need to do is stop blaming yourself for the rape. OK so you are doing some steps already but you missed the most important one #1) Don’t blame yourself EVER FOR ANY REASON. You were 12 and young, vulnerable and in a very impressionable age and you were taken advantage of. So nothing is going to work until you stop blaming yourself for the adoption or the rape. Once you truly believe that then start looking forward and stop looking back. concentrate on what you can do with your future instead of what you can’t. And if you haven’t received professional counseling I would start with that. Stay strong! Lynn

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  37. I dont want to sound selfish or ignorant but i started dating my girlfriend about 5 months ago and she had led on that she had been raped and guys had made her do things she wanted to forget. I want to make her feel safe and i love her more than anything in the world and would do anything for her. we are crazy about each other and we do mess around once in a while then one time she told me that she doesnt like pleasuring guys because they always used to force her to do that. i then felt terrible for her pleasuring me like i was just like them. i never forced her to but i feel like she felt like she had to for me to stay with her so we continue to date and now wen ever we mess around i only pleasure her which i am ok with i care about her so much and want to make her feel amazing i dont care wat happens to me or how i feel as long as shes happy. tonight we started talking about the last time i pleasured her and she said it was amazing and she wanted our first time to be pasionate and special which i agree with. she said she wanted to wait and i said that was fine we shouldnt talk about it i was nervous since she had been raped and i dont want her to have a flash back while with me and have her hate me. she got upset and said that she didnt want to have sex at all she decided since she had been raped. once again i dont care if we do i mean i want to be intimate with her and make her feel special but i dont want her to feel bad. I just dont know how to help her feel better. i dont know any details from the incident except that it happened. please help me help the love of my life.

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    1. C. First of all you don’t sound selfish at all, in fact you sound very empathetic and she is a lucky girl to have you. That being said I’m glad you don’t know the details because you don’t need to, sometimes that only makes things worse. As far as what you can do, it pretty much sounds like you are already doing. You are being patient, you are listening and you are being empathetic. Basically your role is being her rock and making sure she feels safe and again it sounds like you are doing a good job. As far as helping her mentally heal, unfortunately that is not up to you that is up to her. She needs to go to counseling and put the work into it but you can’t make her go, she has to want to go otherwise it won’t work. She is looking at sex as dirty (very common among victims) and until she gets her head straight with that aspect you are going to have to make a decision for yourself. You are going to need to decide if being in a non-sexual relationship is enough for you. And whatever your answer is, it is ok. But when she says she doesn’t want to have sex, I would probably back off on foreplay too because that is exactly what it is, foreplay to sex. You would not be the bad guy if you decide that is not what you want. Because basically she made that decision for her and you are allowed to make a decision for you. So just think about it and I hope you both do whatever is best for each of you. Stay strong! Lynn

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  38. i was raped when i was 16.this incident happened in some other country i do not wish to mention. one day my mom sent me to go charge her phone in another village, while i was waiting for it to charge three guys kept looking at me and one of them talked to me but i ignored another guy came, he seemed nice and i talked to him he asked me to go for a walk with him and i did (since i had nothing else to do) but unfortunately i did not think twice about the intentions of this guy…so we walked and ended up in his home where we just sat and talked…suddenly he started to act weird and aroused i pleaded that i did not want to do it but he falsed me then i went back home crying….i never told anyone about it, i didnt think i was gonna be pregnant..i was scared to confront anyone i blamed myself.three months later sighns of pregnancy started to show and i went to the doctors they told me it was positive…i started thinking about abortion but i had no money!..so i had the courage to tell mom that i was pregnant as devastated as she was, i told her about the rape but she never believed me til this day. she was against abortion so i was forced to carry the baby of an unknown person in my womb..my baby boy is almost one year i love him..but sometimes i wonder how am i gonna tell him that his dad is a rapist?..what am i going to say when he asks me where is daddy?…we are a millions mile apart from the rapist..i never saw him again from that day on.my family still believes i lied about the rape. i suffer inside with anger of myself and my family and that incident. but my little boy has nothing to do with this emotional hurt.please help me understand.was it my fault.

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    1. G.G. First to answer your question, NO it was not your fault! It is never a victims fault EVER! There is nothing one can do that condones rape, period. I’m sorry your family doesn’t believe you, I wished they could support you like you need. But you know who can support you is a professional counselor/therapist. Maybe then your family would believe you if they knew it was eating you up so bad that you need counseling. Either way don’t do it for them, do it for you and your son. You might want to even check into group counseling where rape victims have children from rapists. I can guarantee if you find a support group for that you will build lifelong bonds and it would help you get through all those times in need. Because the only people that truly can empathize with rape are those who have been through it and professional therapists. So try to get into counseling as soon as you can. Another thing, as far as telling your son. The truth is always the best policy but I wouldn’t recommend it until he is emotionally capable of handling the truth and I would have counseling set up for him when you are ready to tell him. The fact is he is going to love you more for bringing him into this world and taking care of him and providing him with a loving family. But I suggest you talk to the counselor to find out what to say until that time comes. And make sure your family is on board with it too. But the best thing for you to do for your future and your son’s is get the counseling that you’ve needed since this happened. Stay strong! Lynn

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  39. Hi, there was alot of abuse when i was a kid. My dad sexual assalted me from the age of 5 to 13yo and my mom and dad would severly beat me,burn me with ciggarets, tie me to a tree and take my clothes off,beat me with a belt,then make me preform on him. I always had purple and black welts that bled. There is so much more that i could tell, but the thing is,that i DONT blame myself i ran and did everything i could to get away. Iwas also raped again two and a half years ago and have a son as a result,and i love my son so much and im so protective of him. About two months ago i reached out and asked for help,i have no insurance, but im in the process of getting help. I take 3 hours a night to work on my trama, that is my private time to write and get things out, i went to the library and got books on trama,self/esteem and self help books. Im just at the beginning of this process and i have a long way to go but i have plenty of support. Its going to take a couple of weeks to get in to trama counslor so until then, im at the stage of acceptness and forgiveness and im having a hard time. I wrote down all your suggestions and im going to apply them . Sorry i was all over the place in my post and thank you!!!!

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    1. L. I’m so glad I could help and I just wanted to tell you how brave and strong you are!!! The first healing step is truly believing you did nothing wrong. And not only have you conquered the first step but you are already on to many others. Just know through life that what they did to you doesn’t define you. What does is that you are a STRONG & BRAVE and inspirational person to know that you deserve a good life and to go out and to what it takes to get there. I strongly recommend the yoga for you as well as self defense classes. And if you contact your local crisis center or an abuse shelter they may be able to lead you to some classes that are free or a minimal cost. If you can’t find that I would go to places that offer them and tell them your story (if you feel you can, you don’t have to go into all the details) and ask if they can help you. But start first with a crisis center or an abuse shelter. Stay strong and know that you deserve the BEST! Don’t ever stop working for that for you and your child! Lynn

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  40. I was raped a month before my 16th birthday. I went to school with the person that raped me. He stole my virginity and my self worth from me. I didn’t tell anyone bc I was scared and ashamed. I felt like it was my fault he not only did it once, he did it twice. I dont know what i did wrong to deserve that. I read ur step process and to not feel sorry for ourselves and I dont walk around asking why me? I just havent ever understood why. My parents now know. This happened 19 years ago and I remember it as it was today. I still have flash backs. It is still extremely hard for me to talk about it. I have gone to therapy for it here and there… Just really hard to talk about it…every time I do, it’s like reliving it.

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    1. C. I understand it is difficult but the fact that it is still bothering you so 19 years later means that you do in fact need to talk about it. If you read through the website you will know I stated the more you let out the more room you have to heal. That being said it is best you let it out via a professional counselor. So as difficult as it may be, I’m sure you can agree it isn’t as difficult as going through the actual rape. You made it through that and you can make it throough this. That being said, it is a tough road and you must work at it so just going here and there isn’t gonna cut it. Maybe this will help. Keep in mind that rape is about control NOT you. Which is another valid reason why it isn’t your fault. And everyday that you let this control your life means your rapist is still in control. Do you really want that? Hasn’t it been long enough? I know it has so take back the control of your life and future and don’t give him another minute. Maybe you should try a different therapist. Or if you are ok with your therapist and don’t want to start over, why don’t you try writing down some of your feelings, triggers, etc and start that way to make it a little easier on you. Just whatever you do don’t give up. He has taken enough from you and doesn’t deserve another day of 19 years, don’t you agree? Stay strong! Lynn

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  41. My rape took away my life, self-confidence and career. I am a licensed social worker and my rape occurred at work. My filing a police report and pressing charges, even though “Corporate America” private for profit nursing home made it disappear and financially impossible for me to fight them, the rapist still has his licensed nursing home admin license and is working, and i am black-balled in the community. I have two very sick elderly parents, so relocating at this time is not a choice, so i remain unemployed and angry he has a past history of rape and still has not been taken down!

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    1. D. This absolutely DISGUSTS me! I HATE hearing stories like this. I’m so VERY sorry you are going through this, I really am. I don’t know how you feel about going public, as I know it is a major stand but I personally would go to the media. I’m a little different than most and have no problem talking out loud about what happened to me and if I was you I’d take it to everyone that listened and could maybe help. I know you must be emotionally and financially drained at this point but if you get a second wind and want to take your rights back it is an option. It won’t be easy but if you went through all the appropriate steps you have already shown how strong you are. I think most people that he is caring for would want to know not only is he a rapist but has a record of it too! Just a thought but either way, take care of yourself (counseling) and stay strong! Do whatever you feel is best for you! Lynn

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  42. Hi dear, I’m 22 and I was raped 4 months ago (May 10th). 😦 it’s been very difficult for me. I’ve had trouble eating (my appetite was gone), I lost weight (due to my condition; hard for me to gain weight already!) I feel depressed and anxious all the time. I dread running into my rapist or his mean wife. Sadly, I wasn’t successful in taking him to court (as there were no witnesses…) 😦 but that’s over now. I am ready to move on, but it’s hard with such little support from family…it’s hard to know who to trust-since family say they are always there for you but act otherwise….sigh…anyway, I’m rambling…sorry! I have been going to counceling but can no longer afford it (I have no income and my dad doesn’t want to pay for it anymore-yes, only been four months). I don’t turn to my mom for advice becayse she isn’t at all helpful or understanding or sympatgetic…

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    1. T. Don’t give up on your counseling. Call your local crisis center or try rainn.org and let them know your situation. Tell them you’ve been going and want to continue and your money & family dilemma. I bet they can refer you to someone that can help. As far your family, unfortunately it boils down to ignorance. Try not to blame them too bad as they would prefer to forget about it and act like it didn’t happen because #1) it does hurt them IF they are acknowledging the truth and #2) they hope if it goes away for them it will for you. But we know that is not the case nor is it the way to help and support. Which is why you need to stay in counseling and get the support you need. If you have one good friend that you can confide in and is there for you 24/7 who doesn’t judge just rely on them instead of feeling bad about your family (as hard as that is). My family loves me dearly but I went through the same thing. So I just didn’t rely on them only my friends and counselor until I got my head straight. Then I was able to deal with them again. So don’t give up on them because honestly the only people that can truly understand are people that have been through it and trained professionals. So again just chalk it up to ignorance. That being said your friend can only support you with an ear to listen or a should to cry on or just keep you company. But you need to let them off the hook so they don’t become overwhelmed in wishing they knew how to help more. That’s when they start getting distant too. Just let them know you don’t expect anything from them other than what I just said above and that you are going to do your best to get help from a professional. Just don’t give up because there is help out there even if it’s group therapy, which I can promise you is wonderful and you build lifelong bonds with people that are empathetic and can give you ways to cope that have worked. Stay strong and just because your family gave up doesn’t mean you have to, especially if you want the happy future that you deserve. Lynn

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  43. I honesty don’t knowwhat to say right now. I’m about to go to my volunteer work and couldn’t sleep at all last night. My dad says that I deserved to be raped and that I should be raped again. 😥 I don’t even want to live with the memory of that sick man in my mind forever…!! I wish I could have done something earlier… I just want to hide away in my room. I won’t bother my family or friends anymore….

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  44. I kicked and screamed (almost literally lol) to the police, that didn’t work, so I am turning to my community and warning them about hisbad character and evil crime he commited against me. I’m going to get a copy of my police report and a personal letter and give it to the board of directors of my mosque so he can be removed or banned. I hope this works! By the way, it’s the only mosque on my island and I’m NOT giving up my faith just because a ‘so-called’ religious man (ha!) raped me! It deeply saddens me that my family and even councelors don’t see me as equal to him [the rapist] simply because I’m Muslim. Ignorance, I suppose… sigh… I feel like a stranger on my island…leave? Why should I leave? HE should leave!! I’ve been thru hell in Paradise. Now it’s time to fight back on my own!! How can I contact the media about this please??

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  45. im now 17 but i was raped when i was 16 by the guy i was dating for almost a full year. my concern with the healing process is that i didnt report him due to both a threat and because the people i told (friends) suggested against it and i believed them and now there is no evidence. so i cant convict him now and i know now that if i try bringing this to court that it would just be my word against his, how will i heal knowing that i could have put him in jail but didnt? i know that i should have but i didnt want to tell either of my parents or a adult.

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    1. S.R. The first thing is don’t beat yourself up over it because a lot of people don’t report for many reasons. You are right it would be extremely difficult to prosecute now. But at the very least you can go to the police and ask if he has a record of rape because if he had been reported from doing this to someone else then they might be interested in hearing your story and it could possibly help convict him. It is a long shot though. Then I would suggest getting some counseling because you need to some support that you obviously haven’t gotten. The longer you wait for counseling the longer it will take to heal. You can go to rainn.org or call your local crisis center to find someone near you. This happened when you were very young and without the proper counseling can really effect your future in a detrimental way. I would also consider who are your true friends because the ones that told you not to report weren’t thinking of your best interest. Stay strong! Lynn

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  46. I was raped over 11 years ago and impregnated in the process. I spent 4 years thinking it was my fault and walking around with the guilt and shame. Then I was at a training for work and they started talking about rape and I realized, sitting there, in a meeting, that I had been raped. I got counseling immediately. It really helped and I felt like I worked through a lot of the pain and shame and was able to forgive and let go.

    Currently (years later) I have started seeing a new man and we have been talking about being sexually active together. We have been texting and well sexting a lot and he told me (via text) about a sexual fantasy that involved cumming inside of me. No man to this day has ever voiced that desire to me except the one who raped me. I was so taken aback I didn’t know what to say. Days went by and I started to have lack of appetite and anxiety. Then the nightmares started. I couldn’t believe one mans normal sexual fantasy could scare me so much. I spent one night curled up in a ball crying.

    Finally after a week I told him why I was so upset. He knew I had been raped. I always tell new lovers. He was supportive but wants to put the breaks on having sex. Ahhhhh!!!!! Why does something that happened to me 11 years ago have to mess up my sex life now. I thought I had this under control. He’s right. We should slow down but I just feel so frustrated.

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    1. H. Unfortunately rape stays with us it is never forgotten BUT you can do your best to deal to help with your future. It sounds like you did do your best (eventually) and went through the rights steps. That being said we still have triggers but the fact that you noticed your trigger and talked to him about it instead of not talking to him about it is a godd thing. I know it seems it didn’t help but I promise you it did. I would also like to commend you for telling your potential lovers about your rape because before you ever enter a sexual relationship you need to and not many do. So again you are doing the right steps. That being said just because you are doing the right steps doesn’t mean all is happy. The fact is you must deal with it head on and then focus on the outcome. You have to go at your own pace however I think if you draw boundaries (which now can be discussed) you can go ahead and have a sexual relationship keeping within the boundaries. I would also suggest yoga before bed for your nightmares as a calming solution. Once you’ve discussed your boundaries hopefully you won’t have certain triggers and you will feel more comfortable in opening up knowing they are there. Just a thought. But if you feel you aren’t ready, by no means go forward until you are. If you try these things and they keep persisting then I would suggest writing down your specific triggers and go back into counseling. Just remember a open relationship that you can discuss your fears is always a good thing. We just have to hope he is good with that and wants to try too. Because if he isn’t willing to put the work in to have a wonderful result then better you find out now than later. Stay strong! Lynn

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  47. I was raped two years ago I was only fourteen I am now sixteen and still cannot get over it I have a boyfriend who I can trust with my whole world I told him and he was heartbroken I still have flashbacks and he is there to support me he knows I tried my hardest to make the boys stop but they just wouldn’t I just am still very sensitive about the subject and it’s hard for me to move on from it what can I do please I knows it’s the past and I need help moving onto the future please helpful strategies to help me move on from this

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    1. J. If you took the time to read through any of the posts you will find that whether it happened a month ago or ten years ago without the proper counseling rape will haunt you. Professional counseling will teach you how to deal and how to let go of those haunting feelings. It will improve your future relationships and how you look at life. Rape is like a shadow, you can’t get away from it, therefore we have to turn and face it head on. We have to learn and believe we are not broken, therefore we are able to stand up and hold are head high because it doesn’t define us and we did nothing wrong. We have understand that rape is about control and everyday that it continues to control our life, our rapist is still in control. Professional counseling isn’t easy but it isn’t as hard as what you went through and will help you get control of your life back. So call your local crisis center, talk to a guidance teacher at school, go to rainn.org or maybe through a parents health plan, just do it. The sooner you do the quicker you will be back in control. Stay strong! Lynn

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  48. Nearly one week ago, someone who I had grown to trust sort of forcibly entered me. Reading all of these stores I feel guilty because I feel like what many people on here have endured are much harder and don’t nearly compare to my incident but still it hurts and I’ve cried so much and felt so angry about the whole thing. I did not report it, I’m still not sure why. He didn’t stay inside me for more than a minute and a half and afterwards he comforted me, trying to get me to stop crying, I didn’t sleep and cried till morning. He says he wants my forgiveness and he doesn’t want our relationship to change but I don’t know. I’m still extremely hurt and slightly confused as to if I can even consider it as rape. It was my first time being penetrated (which makes it the worst of all) and I bled a lot and bled for 3 days. He begged me to allow him to pa y the doctor’s bill (I was afraid when the bleeding wouldn’t stop and visited a gyno). He said he didn’t expect me to react that way and if he knew he would have never done it, however I did tell him no and asked him to stop. I hope this goes away soon, I feel like my virginity was stolen and my trust irreparably betrayed.

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    1. J. Let me start by the fact that this is rape. You need to stay away from this so called friend, as he is not looking out for you like a friend should. He is only confusing you at your vulnerable age and state you are in. Tell him he broke your trust and you no longer wish to see him. Tell him to stay away from you and you never want to see him again. Let me explain something about rape. It isn’t about you it is about control. If he gets you to believe he didn’t mean to hurt you then he is still in control and it most likely will happen again. This is such a common rape, someone they know they try and get their trust and then they violate it and ask for forgiveness. that is because they plan on doing it again. Then they will say it was your fault because you mislead them. So get as far away as possible. don’t threaten him because you don’t want to make things worse, just tell him to stay away from you and mean it. If you have someone that you can turn to that can help you that you trust 100% and wont judge you tell them. Get some pepper spray and carry with you in case he starts to bother you. Take a self defense class and most of all get counseling. This happened at such a vulnerable age in your life and it will most likely have adverse affects on you and future relationships, especially with trusting so the sooner you get counseling the better. Just stay away from this person. Stay strong!

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  49. I think for me one of the hardest things to deal with (and I still have problems with it now) is what happened after I was raped. My family chose not to beleve me, my so called friends didn’t either, and neither did the police so I was left to deal with it by myself. To this day I still wish I had never opened my mouth and said anything. Things might have been easier if I had simply kept my mouth shut.

    Sorry for the negativity but it is how I feel

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    1. L. I’m sorry that no one believed you but if it is any consolation, I do. And you are not left by yourself even though I know it feels that way. You are not alone! You were strong to try and get the support you need and you obviously still do. I think you should try counseling and maybe even group counseling. You will build bonds that will last the rest of your life and you will know that others believe you and not feel so alone. But either way you need the counseling for the support that you never rec’d. It’s not easy talking about it but it’s not as hard as what you’ve already been through and how good will it feel when someone believes you and you can open up and get the support you need? You know it would really help your healing process and without that I see the situation worse instead of better. Just because everyone else is ignorant doesn’t mean you should give up on yourself. You are strong and you’ve made it this far so why not give yourself a chance? You deserve it! Stay strong! Lynn

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  50. Thank you Lynn. I have had therapy but never specifically for being raped. I am beginning to believe that I need to have counselling for this as a separate issue but it is very tiring and frustrating that even after all these years I am still affected by it.

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    1. L. I understand but that is all the more reason for the counseling and if you never had it for the rape you are right you need it specifically for that and not to point out the obvious. The longer you wait the longer it takes to heal. So just do it. Stay strong! Lynn

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