#1) Believe deep down it is not your fault, no matter what the actions were leading up to the rape, you need to know and accept there is nothing that justifies rape and you didn’t do anything to deserve it! Everyone I talk to feels guilty or ashamed in one form or another, but what you don’t understand is the person that is deserving of the guilt and shame is the person that chose to do the rape, NOT YOU! The rape was not about anything you did, it is about the attacker needing control and they are responsible for their actions NOT YOU!!!
#2) You need to try and do your best to deal with your feelings as they arise. I’ve learned that in order to feel like a survivor you face them head on. You have two options, deal with them head on or run from them. The problem is when you run, your demons become your shadow and you can never outrun your shadow, so it is best to try and deal with your emotions head on instead of trying to outrun something you can’t.
#3) The one thing I learned the hard way was that none of my loved ones reacted they way I thought they would, so I immediately was more concerned with their thoughts and actions than my own healing process. I see this almost every time when counseling a survivor. The first thing I hear is, “What is my family (often spouse/partner) going to think?” or “how are they going to react?” My typical response is, “I know you are worried about their reactions BUT aren’t you more worried about your well being for you and your family?” Before you expend your energy on controlling someone else’s feelings (when ultimately you can’t) you should take that energy to heal yourself. Because you truly need to believe that you did nothing to lead up to the rape and know in your heart it wasn’t your fault. When YOU realize it doesn’t matter what you were wearing, where you were at or what you were doing, then it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks! The bottom line is you have to take care of yourself first before you can take care of anyone else!
#4) Surround yourself with the people who support you and distance yourself (at least temporarily) from those who don’t.
#5) Find the positive in something everyday and focus on it no matter how small or stupid it is. A lot of days you will have to dig deep to find it, even if it is splurging on a dessert or watching your favorite TV show, but you must find something positive everyday to keep you going. This will also help train your brain that you can block out the negative.
#6) Remember that you can’t change the past so stop focusing on it with – shoulda, coulda, woulda – because it doesn’t matter since the past can’t be changed. If you are focusing on something you wished you would have done differently or beating yourself up with something you did, then you do not believe it wasn’t your fault, step #1. YOU MUST BELIEVE THAT IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT and until you do you have a long struggle in your recovery. Remember NOTHING JUSTIFIES RAPE!
#7) Focus on what you DO have control of and that is your future. The day I stopped letting my assaulter control my life is the day I realized I could be dead. At that moment (about 9 months later) even though I knew my assaulter took something from me, I realized he did not take my life and I wasn’t about to give him another day of MY life! He doesn’t deserve it, not one more minute! I felt this huge relief that I sat down and cried for hours. From that day on I stopped worrying about my past and what anyone else thought and focused on appreciating the life I had left. Now I’m not saying I skipped off into the sunset, but that was the day I stopped feeling sorry for myself (those emotions are allowed – for a while) and picked myself up and took a step forward instead of backwards.
#8) DO NOT turn to drugs and alcohol to mask the pain, once again you MUST FEEL IN ORDER TO HEAL. Alcohol and/or drugs are only a temporary fix and does absolutely nothing to solve the problem other than to push it deeper. You must deal with it and the more you feel and release, the more room you have to heal.
#9) DON’T rely on anyone else to heal you. You will heal as much as you put the work into it. Hopefully you will have support, but you need to know while it is OK to accept help from others, only you can heal yourself. Healing yourself through some type of professional counseling, whether group, individual or anonymously. A lot of cities offer free counseling or support groups through their local crisis centers. There are your some church groups or if you health insurance (make sure mental health is covered under your plan) use that. Some employers have EAP (employee assistance programs) that are completely anonymous even to your employer and usually offer a couple free visits. Go to rainn.org to find the closest counselor to you. There are so many resources, just make the commitment to start helping yourself and you’ll find a way!
#10) While the above suggestions are more long term, I would like to make some suggestions for baby steps that can help “right now”. My most successful suggestion is to right down your feelings at the end of the day (good or bad) whatever they are just as a release. This is good for survivors or immediate family members trying to cope as well. It is up to you whether or not you keep it, it is just a way for you to get your honest and true emotions out and not keep them deep inside you, which only fester. Warms baths are great before bed along with a good book to take me away, if even for 30 minutes. I always try to keep a book in purse, dvd at home or cd in car that I love and makes me feel good that I can immediately turn to to brighten my mood. And if you don’t have a pet, get one! Pets are amazing and offer true unconditional love BUT make sure you have the time to love and nurture your pet and you will get nothing less back!
#11) Think about taking a self defense class. After being raped your sense of security is shot and an excellent way to start to get it back is taking a self defense class. It is very empowering and a good confidence builder.
#12) Try yoga (if you don’t alreaady), it is truly amazing how it makes you feel calm and can just release the stress and anxiety. Never tried it until after my rape and I still have the same at home beginner dvds I’ve used for years, but I love them and I truly feel empowered, strong and relaxed when I’m done. They say you can heal your body through your breathing and I believe it. Tell me you don’t feel a little better after you take a few big deep breaths. Well, when you are doing yoga, not only is your body trying to align and release your stress you are holding in your body, but you are really breathing the whole time and getting oxygen to your entire body, which is not only a calming affect but helps the tightness in your muscles to release. So trust me just try it a few times, you don’t have to do it perfect (which is why I do it at my house) but I always feel better afterwards, never fails..
Dealing with Rape 
I had a boyfriend that I truly loved. And when he got out of the military and went back home I went to visit him. Long story short he got me drugged up, put me on an adult website, and let other guys have sex with me without me knowing. Even worse there was cop involvement and it doesn’t seem like there is anyway to stop them. I seem to have stumbled into an underground ring. And because there were drugs involved, and I admit I did take some willingly but only because they were legal drugs and I trusted him, no one even followed up my story or gave me a rape kit.
I’ve been trying to stay positive, and some days I do really good. But there are sometimes when I can’t feel anything but anger and rage at knowing that he has gotten away with it and might continue to do so. I loved him and I feel like I will never be able to trust a guy fully again. My friends don’t seem to understand that some days I just can’t cope and I cry…and bring down their good moods in the process. People try to be supportive but I honestly have never felt more alone in my life. Sometimes it seems the more I act strong on the outside, the more alone I feel in the inside. Not to mention everyday I get flashbacks and more details come to me and I just feel like there is nothing I can do to help the future victims that I know he and this business will do this to. How do I cope with this?
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L. you need to go to rainn.org right now and find the nearest professional counselor near you, make an appt and tell them everything you told me. They can give you the appropriate support you need, not your friends. You also need to immediately call your local crisis center and/or rape hotline and tell them everything too and let them know you think it is an underground ring and ask them how to help you. They will know and be able to get the police that are not corrupt involved because there has to be a follow up and the appropriate measures taken. Because if it is a ring it needs to be taken down and NOT by you. If you do this you will feel much better and the counseling will help you cope in the best way for you. Stay strong and thanks for not giving up because you have no idea how many other people you will be helping as well as yourself IF only by doing these 2 things. Stay strong! Lynn
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Sometimes I still think about I always wonder if she thinks about it while we have sex because I will notice her making faces like if she was scared or like if she is thinking about something I try to ignore it but I do think about it and I don’t really know why she didn’t say anything to anyone or accuse him of rape I asked her and she said that she was scared and then she told me that the guy try to contact her saying sorry and she hung up It does worry me because now I know that if it happens again which I really hope it doesn’t she isn’t going to tell me a anything does she just like being a victim I don’t know it really confuses me
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Confuse2, I can promise you its not about that she “likes being a victim”. When something like this happens to us, it turns our life upside down and the more people that know, it turns there life upside down too, just like you are now. Now imagine how your life has changes and times that by 1000 because that it how her life has. I know you can’t understand completely but if you plan on staying with her and supporting her the right way you need to do your best to try and again, no questions or pressure. We are not put on this earth wired to know how to deal with rape and when it happens we have never felt so alone, helpless and ashamed. We just want to forget it but no matter how hard we try it is our shadow until we decide to face it head on in our own time. Once we face it head on in the right way with a professional it is the only time we start to truly understand the depth in which this affects us. And then and only then do we start to deal with it the right way for us. So right now she is in limbo because she doesn’t know what is right for her right now and she won’t until she gets counseling but again she has to be ready. So I know you are confused but she is 1000 more times than you so just support her through your love and don’t expect anything just get by one day at a time. And honestly if she is having sex with you she is trying harder than you will ever know. Stay strong! Lynn
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Hi im m, I was raped 5 months ago, I was on a night out with friends, and the guy tht raped me was a mutual friend of my friends, I got really drunk and a whole load of circumstances led to me ending up in his house, I thorts i was safe cos I new his friends and big brother, I waa just gonna stay for one drink. I sat on the sofa with a drink he made me and thts the last thing i remember until I woke up half naked in his bed with him raping me, I tried to stop him but he wudnt, I was crying and begging him to stop. Wen he finished he rolled over and went to sleep, I was to scared to move for hours, eventually i freaked out and ran out his house, he ran after me and gave me my clothes. I’ve suffered from anorexia for the last 4 years so I’m already in therapy, i also went to some sessions of rape support but I hated it. However I’m very close to my therapist and tell her everything. I went to the police and I’m waiting to find out if its gonna go court. I’ve already planned to kill myself if he gets away with it. I live in a small town and have run into him twice, I’ve lost even more weight and been diagnosed with ptsd. I feel like my life is over, my friends are still friends with him which destroys me. I dunno how to cope with the anger, I just needed to vent, sorry . X
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M. Well I can promise you trying to harm yourself isn’t coping it is letting him get away with even more. Rape is about control and if you hurt yourself because of this asshole he will be happy that he has that type of control over you SO DON’T let that happen. You’ve done the right thing by talking to your therapist and trying counseling, it’s not easy but you’ve already done so much that is too hard for others so I know you are strong even though it doesn’t feel like it. Instead of planning of hurting yourself why not try to protect yourself through self defense classes, since you run into him. And if your friends aren’t supporting you then they really aren’t your friends so don’t waste any more time on them either. I’m so glad you have a therapist that you trust and can turn to because that is a lot of help especially since this is a professional person. You can’t control anyone else but you so don’t give up on yourself because I’m serious you are strong and I know you can get through this. Your life isn’t over it is just different and you need to learn how to deal through professional help. Rape counseling does work, it isn’t fun but I promise it works. Maybe you can try someone different if you need more than your therapist can give. You can always go to rainn.org or through your local crisis center to get help. Hopefully you have one friend you can turn to that will be there 24/7 for support. They can’t really help you other than support but you need to have at least one person there for you, if not get a dog. I’m serious my dog is my best friend and loves my unconditionally and I don’t know what I would do with out her. Animals truly help so maybe that is something to think about. Whatever you do don’t let him win by further hurting yourself. The best way to get back at him is to let him no that you are in control of your life NOT him and that he can’t hold you down because you are going to take care of yourself. Remember this doesn’t define you, only that he is a rapist! No matter what happens to him he will have to answer to God. So take care of yourself, you are worth it! Stay strong! Lynn
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I was raped and beaten up at the age of 12. I lied to the police over it saying I didn’t know him, I regret this so badly now as I am currently 14, failing my gcse’s and very down. I guess you could say I’m in with the ‘popular’ girls at school but no matter how perfect my life may seem on the outside I’m dying on then inside.
I have been to 1 counselling session, sly my wrists, cried for days on end and even tried suicide. Nothing I do helps. I’m sire yu get comments like this all the time but I need someone to listen, I can’t live on like this. My pain takes over me and I no longer enjoy the sports I used to love, go out alone and tbf I hardly go out at all, I hear the voices over and over in my head and I feel as though im going crazy and I’m trapped. Please help
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DJ, the only answer is counseling and if you didn’t like who you went to the one time then you need to find someone else. If you go to rainn.org they can refer you to one that specializes in rape and near you so please try that or even try your local crisis center who can also help you when you are in turmoil and feeling like hurting yourself. Counseling is not easy but once you know that the person cares, can support you and doesn’t judge you, you will be able to open up feel better and get the life back you deserve. You can look at over the 1000 posts on this site and see that none of them have felt better until they really get the counseling and support they receive. You deserve nothing less than a beautiful happy life so take the hard steps to get there. Nothing worthy comes easy, you have to work at it and hurting yourself is not the easy way out that you thought. So believe in the life you want and go for it. what do you really have to loose? STAY STRONG! Lynn
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Hi there. I’m a young teenager and I was raped by my ex boyfriend. This happened 4 months ago. The day after it happened I told my close friends and they supported me through it. My parents don’t know anything about it, and never will. I am now dating a guy that is 4 years older than me and I feel safe with him. He knows about everything and since then his done nothing but protect me. He also has past issues that come up quite often in our relationship but we work through it together. I just want to say thank you for helping those out there that need your advise. I keep my secret safe and I haven’t gone for any counsilling either. But I got through the ordeal with the help of my friends and my current boyfriend. Without them I know I wouldn’t be the person I am today. Please keep helping those who fall prey to these horrible crimes and getting them to see that you can heal, even from a terrible nightmare like this. Thank you again.
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I guess I am seeking an outside opinion. I am a happily married woman with five kids. I have been married for 13 years. My husband is deploying very soon and has just returned from a month long training session. I know that our sex life has not been what it should be. Yes we have five kids so sex is happening just very impersonal for me. I spent the month he was away dealing with my very painful and private past. I wanted everything to be better before he left for war. I was in a relationship when I was very young, 15. He was only a couple of years older than me and seemed like a great guy to everyone but me. He raped me repeatedly. The first few times were forceful. I would try to leave and he would say that he would kill himself and I would come back. I then decided it was better to just lay there and “turn off” until he was done. He would also stand behind me while I ate and tell m when I had eaten enough and on occasion slap me across the face. I did once leave him. I went on a date with another guy. At his home, with his parents in the other room, kissing led to him wanting sex. I said no. He did not listen. i just laid there “turning myself off”. I then went back to the first guy b/c at least I knew what to expect and I loved his family very much. His dad loved me as well. He once suspected something was wrong and asked me if his son had hurt me. I said no and went about the day. At 17 I got pregnant. I still told no one. The baby was born prematurely and died. That day I had the strength to never go back to him. I decided to bury it all. Just let it all die with my beautiful son. My parents are very loving and very supportive yet there is no way I could tell them. They are very old fashioned about sex. They have never even said the word sex in my presence. I went to my wonderful uncle’s in another state after my sons birth to decide what to do with my life. I decided to go forward with my college plans and work a fun job. I also decided that there was no room in my life for a man. At my new job everyone kept trying to set me up with this guy there. By now I am 19. Finally I gave in. He was wonderful. So intelligent, so loving and so caring. I married him a few months later. Now I am 33. I finally told my husband four days ago simply that the man he knew I had a long relationship with had raped me. He was the first I had ever told. He knows there is a lot more. He knows that I have had a lot of issues feeling connected to him. He has been wonderful. He has gone back like it was our first time and started all over. He said he was sure that I had been hurt b/c I always keep my arms up in between us and in our 13 years of marriage I never open my eyes during sex. It has only been a few days but there have been amazing changes. For the first time ever I felt an emotional connection to my husband. I never knew that even existed. I do not dread him coming to bed and wanting me and I actually want him to come to bed. It was only physical for me and when I was physically satisfied I would roll over and sleep. I now have to decide how much to tell him. Part of me wants to go back to burring everything and part of me wants to open up to him. It has hurt so much to let myself think of this. I have cried more in the past few days than I ever have. I have also felt more for my husband than I ever have. Should I face it all or is this enough? He wants to know details so he dose not do anything to trigger any bad feelings. He has been wonderful but I am not sure what to do. See. I do not want to go back to the way I felt just a few days before. I also do not want him to look at me any differently. What should I do? How should I move forward? If I talk more I want it to be soon b/c he will leave for Afghanistan soon and I do not want that to be one of the last conversations that we have before he leaves.
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B. First I’m glad you finally opened up and received a good response from your husband so he can now understand. That being said I don’t know if you should tell him everything. I’ve always said before you get in any relationship after rape you need to be honest with that person so you know if they can handle it or not from the get go. Your story is a little different because you are already married. My advice is to get into counseling and let him know that you are going to counseling while he is away. During that time you can determine with your counselor exactly what you should tell him. In the meantime you need to realize you are ready to open up BUT that doesn’t mean he can help you heal. Right now you’ve received an excellent response and if you tell him more and he doesn’t respond the way you want it could be very detrimental and you need to be prepared for that and I don’t think you are. If you get the professional counseling then you can get your head in the right place and be prepared for whatever comes next. Again, I think you are looking for your husband to be able to help you heal and your marriage get better but in all honesty all your husband can do is support you. You are the only one that can help yourself with a counselor/therapist. And you can’t forget that he is having to deal with this too and he doesn’t know how either so the more you tell him the more he has to process and it might not all go as well as you think because everyone deals in there own way. But if you can get the proper counseling it not only will help you deal with yourself and your marriage better, you will be able to handle however he deals with it. You can not depend on him for your own personal healing, as much as I know you want to. And the more you tell him before he leaves, the more it will consume his mind while he is gone. So tell him how much you love him and the support he has given you and because of his support you are going to go get professional help and to not worry about you while he is gone. You don’t need his head anywhere but where he is. Let him know you are going to work on it and hopefully when he comes back things will be even better. Stay strong! Lynn
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Hi, I was raped about two years ago, three seperate times by three different guys. I haven’t told anyone aside from two of my best girlfriends up until tonight. I just told my boyfriend who I’ve been with for almost two years, a month or so after it happened.. I know your site says that its not my fault, but how do you get raped 3 times within a month? I had just moved into that town and I was going out for drinks with a new girl friend. The first time, I was unbelievably drunk, I barely remember the night. This guy, one of her friends walks me home and then tries taking off my pants and sticking his hand in on my porch, I remember telling him no. and its a little fuzzy but we moved from there and I ended up underneath him on the side of the house. The second and third time were similar. I got way too drunk and they took advantage of me. I barely remember any of it happening, but I do know it happened. I guess I’m sharing this because of my boyfriends reaction. He was absolutely pissed at me, was going to break up with me. Because I waited until almost 2 years after to tell him this. He had said that once was bad, twice meant changing your ways and that I must have been aiming for it the third time. I wasn’t. I didn’t know them. I didn’t want that. I’ve noticed alot of changes in me since then. I’ve switched highschools 5 times within the last year and a half of it, I used to be really open, loud and fun, now I can’t really bring myself to talk to many people, to make real friends anymore. I’ve had trust issues with my boyfriend, with no reason being because I mean hes always been good to me. I disconnect from people without meaning to. I now smoke about a pack and a half a day (I’ve smoked for years but never this much) Are these normal things? Or is there maybe something else wrong with me? Do you think my boyfriends right about being raped 3 times not being coincedental? I can tell you that I feel utterly disgusted with myself when i think about it. And up until tonight, I just wanted to forget it had ever happened, now it feels inevitable…
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C. No I do not think your boyfriend is right and I’m sorry you got that reaction. Just so you know a lot of rape victims after they are raped are so distraught that they tend to party or be sexually submissive (not in your case) to either forget or take back control of their lives, unfortunately neither work and it is just a cry for help because they don’t know what else to do. I believe you were drinking too much to try and forget and got caught in two more unfortunate circumstance thinking this could never happen again. It was you try to cope in all the wrong ways, but that doesn’t mean that you were asking to be raped, meaning it’s not your fault. You were just trying to forget it already happened and each time it happened again you went further down the rabbit hole. You need to seek counseling immediately especially because you are ready to talk and because of the way your boyfriend is judging you. That is the last thing you need when you are ready to talk. So get into professional counseling right away. You can call your local crisis center or go to rainn.org just do it because you are worth it. Stay strong! Lynn
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Hi there,
I am 26 years old and I was drugged and raped 3 weeks ago. I am still coming to terms with it. I have only told my sister. The problem is that the man in question is a mutual friend of everyone. I passed out on his sofa after a night drinking with friends. My friend left me there and he took it upon himself to take what he felt was necessary. I know this becasue I have flashbacks of being unable to move and seeing him. I also woke up in the morning without my clothes on and I felt like I had been pulled around and very sore. When I fell asleep I had all my clothes on and I was under a blanket. I feel incredibly guilty becasue I feel like it is my fault, i put myself in this position, like I was asking for it. But I just can’t come to terms with why someone would do that? I feel ashamed and disgusted as this wasn’t a concious attack like other women. I keep getting these horrible flashbacks and I thought it would go away and its just not. I live in an Arab country so I can’t even report it as I am a single female. My sister says I should say something to him but I’m too scared. I’m even scared to go out. I was persuaded by my sister to go out with a few friends for dinner the other week, which I did, she then persuaded me to go for drinks afterwards (at this point my sister did not know what had happened) And there he was sat in the bar with my friends, I felt like someone had dropped my heart to the floor. I ran out as soon as I could. I just don’t know what to do and how to cope?
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J. Confronting him is not the answer and honestly I don’t think he is gonna say anything that will make you feel better. Rape is about control and he had control of that situation that night and the fact that you can’t report him and is still hanging out with the same circle of friends is keeping him in control. You need to stay away from him at all costs because if he thinks he is in control and knows you’re not reporting it could happen again. Not saying it will just trying to keep you safe and let them know the type of mindset they have, so stay away. This is soo difficult for you I’m sure because I don’t know if they have any type of rape counseling over there as I’ve been contacted from women over there that are looking for help. It is also a very male dominating country as you know and it happens ALL the time because its not reported so PLEASE be careful. What you NEED to do is go to rainn.org, there a worldwide organization and see what answers they will have for you being where you are. Hopefully they can help in someway. This doesn’t just go away and no matter how hard we try we don’t forget. All we can do is learn how to deal with it properly and move on. There are a few things I can suggest that you can do but nothing will replace professional counseling. If you have one good friend there that you can turn to that won’t judge you and you trust to not talk to anyone else about it, whether it is your sister or whomever you need to tell them that you need their support to get through this. Let them know that you have your ups and downs and they come whenever, because you can stop the triggers and you want to cound on them to be emotionally supportive. BUT let them know you don’t expect them to “cure” you or anything like that just to be there if you need a shoulder or if you are feeling scared. This takes the pressure off them in case they don’t know what to do for you. Second, if you are having a lot of flashbacks or trouble sleeping, yoga before bed helps a lot and then also start writing out all your feelings for the day before you go to bed. It could be good or bad and you don’t have to keep them (or you can) but just get all those emotions out on paper as a release. If you make this a ritual every night it will improve your sleep a lot and the better sleep you get the less emotional you will be. Also, don’t numb the pain through alcohol & drugs because this never works, trust me. And you never know but try and look for support groups either in your area or online because it truly helps when someone else understands and are there for you unconditionally. Hope this helps! And remember THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT! All you did was trust the guy and drank too much that doesn’t mean you deserved to be raped! Stay strong! Lynn
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Hello,
I am a recent college graduate and it has been over a year since I was date raped by someone who was considered a family friend. Unlike the majority of statistics, I was one of the few who went to the hospital and reported it. I was lucky enough to have a best friend and two overwhelmingly caring parents to support me. However, fear of others finding out, a lack of evidence, and personal shame kept me from ever pursuing the case any further. After it had happened, I had forced myself to see a therapist at the request of my parents. After just one visit, I had stopped going. Instead of taking control of my emotions and what I had gone through, I closed myself off. I tried telling myself that “if I could just try and remember something about what happened” that “maybe it was my fault”. I turned to alcohol and a deep, firm belief that love could not exist for me; that every guy could only possibly want one thing..sex. For a year, I felt nothing. Even after trying to move on, I denied myself any opportunity for love, believing that every man will eventually hurt you in some way. Several months ago when I began dating my current boyfriend (my first relationship in two years). It was not until very recently that I realized the impact of my lack of emotional care has taken on me. It was my boyfriend who eventually started telling me that I would pull away from kisses, that I barely expressed affection, and that I seemed annoyed and uninterested that I realized what a huge affect my date rape had on me. I know that I need to allow myself to open up and heal about the events that happened to me in my past if I ever want to move on. Today is the first day that I have allowed myself to come to terms with the steps that I need to take for myself. Visiting this site and sharing my past is my first step in taking action to heal myself. I hope that someday I can find the old me that believed in love and trust. I am just not sure where to start.
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L. Well I think you just did start by posting here, so now you just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. You know that you need the counseling but you just weren’t ready then. It seems that you are ready now so I would try and go back. Remember the more you open up and let out the more room you have to heal. If you don’t it’s just going to bottle up inside you. If you didn’t like the counselor, go to rainn.org or even call your local crisis center and speak to someoen that specializes in rape. It’s not easy but it is worth it and like I always say, “If I can get through being raped then I can do anything!” You are worth it and it sounds like you want to get better for yourself (most importantly) and for your relationship. So just do it, you are worth it! Stay strong! Lynn
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Maybe its time for me to tell my stoty… I’ve always been scared of what’s going to happen if I ever open my mouth about what was happening. I’ve been hidinga lot of thing fot a very long time and don’t really know how to talk about it. Reading about what happend to others makes me really sad but also slightly relieved to know that I’m not alone. I don’t know if there is anyone who can specificly relate to my life. I was raped for the 1st time when I was 9 years old by two guys and believe it or not my own sister. She and one of the guys held me down while the other guy had his way with me… Since that day it happend on a regular basis, sometimes all 3 of them other times only 1 of them and even when the guys weren’t around my sister carried on. While all that was happening another guy got in on it, another family member. So it carried on for 8years of my life. Got raped day in and day out by those 4 people till I was 17…
I’m now 19 and don’t know what to do, completely lost, hurt and betrayed….
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Lost, I’m sorry you had to endure that for such a long time, that’s horrible! I know you are scared but you need to get professional help. I mean this happened for so long at such an impressionable time in your life that you really need counseling. You can call your local crisis center or go to rainn.org to find the nearest counselor that specializes in rape. It’s not easy but it is easier than what you’ve been through and it will help you get your life back on track. something you can try now as far as helping you sleep it before bed (not right before but like an hour before) write out your feelings at the time, good or bad it doesn’t matter just get all those thoughts out of your head and on paper. You could even take this to the counselor to start the communication if you don’t feel like you can talk about it. and if you wake up in the middle of the night, keep the pen and paper by your bed and use it when you have anxiety or can’t sleep. If you start to do this every night it will improve your sleep which will overall improve your anxiety level. Another thing you might want to consider is taking self defense classes. This will help with your sense of security which has obviously been stripped from you. Hopefully you are away from these people now including your sister because this is a must. Stay far away from them if possible. You need to know that you are safe from this situation. It is possible that you might have PTSD also so I would make a doctor appt go to the doctor, tell the doc what you’ve endured and to see if they think you may be suffering from PTSD and if you are they can get you on medication to treat it. Hope this helps! Just don’t give up because you are worth putting in the effort to get better and if you don’t then they win and that is the last thing you or I want. So take care of yourself. Stay strong! Lynn
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I’m 19 and was raped by a 27 year old man at an ex friends BBQ. I don’t remember anything from the attack as I feel my drink was spiked as I only had two small beers that night. I don’t feel like I’m getting alot of support right now, and I just feel worthless. I just feel completely alone in this and just need a shoulder really. My boyfriend is trying to be supportive, but I can’t cope with this, so I can’t expect him to know how to handle me.. I just need help I guess. Thanks..
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N. the fact that you’re hear looking for help means you are ready. It also means you are being very strong right now to understand that you need it. I know you are feeling weak but it’s actually a wonderful thing because it means you want to recover and do the things to get you there, which is professional counseling. Call your local crisis center or go to rainn.org to find the nearest counselor that specializes in rape. It’s not easy but it is easier than what you’ve been living like up until now, right? Stay strong and get the help you need and deserve. Lynn
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Hi my name is Savannah Menard. I am a 18 year old girl and I have been through loads of crazy things. My first ex when I was 12 use to be very nice for a good month and then completely changed within a matter of days. He started by first insulting me, he was very verbal with me and after a while I guess it wasn’t enough control for him so he started beating me and later after I kept telling him I wasn’t ready for sex he forced himself on me and I stood through a 2 year relationship with him. My second boyfriend was the same thing exactly. Now I have a man that is 6 years older then me and I feel alot safer with him and it’s been 9 months we’ve been together. This one doesn’t worry me. Just 3 days ago I was walking in the downtown area where I live and I was wearing a skirt… I got pushed to the back of the grocery store in that area, I was pushed and shoved into walls and I was told that if I scream that he would kill me. I was scared so I just layed there and took it, I was pourring down tears, I was in pain emotionally and physically. My fiance is very supportive towards this, also my family and his family are too. But it does feel like all those 3 guys took part of me every time I got raped or beat.
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Hi.. This happened to me whilst on holiday 2 months ago….. I don’t feel I am dealing with it very well. Infact I know I’m not I can’t sleep at night I wake up everynight after having the same nightmare about the attack. I can’t think straight… I haven’t been out socially since it happened. And have no desire too. I have told a close friend of mine about what happened ( no detail) and although she is there for me I still feel I am being judged ( although I am my biggest judge) I feel as though I am falling apart and I have always seen myself as a strong person my head tells me how I know I should feel and how I should deal with what happened but my emotions are all over the place. I know this will make me a stronger person one day but I just hope that day comes soon because I don’t know how much more of this I can take!
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K. Just so you know these feelings are common with rape victims so you are not going crazy, although I know it feels like it. Call your local crisis center to find out about getting rape counseling or go to rainn.org and find the nearest professional near you. I promise getting the proper counseling will help you learn how to deal and lead to a better, happier and stronger life. This is very recent for you and most wait too long to get counseling thinking it will go away eventually only to find out years later that it doesn’t. The quicker you get help after the rape the quicker you start to heal and it doesn’t take as long as those who wait after being affected for years. It’s not easy but it is a lot easier than the rape and what you are going through now. Trust me. You need to get professional help because you and your life are worth it. Stay strong! Lynn
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i was in an abusive relationship and was raped by the guy and its possible that that was how my daughter was conceived i love her with all of my heart and she’s what gave me the courage to get out of that relationship but i feel horrible she willnever know her father i feel so bad she doesnt have a dad eventhough hes garbage and its for the better i feel even worse that he is a horrible person and one day i’m going to have to sit her down and tell her. i was afraid to goto police because he said he’d kill me if i left him let alone rat him out for what he did, and i feel horrible for not because what if another insecure gets involved with him and im afraid im gonna bump into him and he’s gonna do something or try to take my daughter! i hate being scared i hate that im not the same anymore i changed so much some for the better however im afraid to trust , not many people know what he did to me, theirs this really nice guy who i like alot and hes nice to my daughter but i cant even let him get close to me because it keeps going through my head that he couldnt possibly like me for me he just wants to get in my pants , im not good enough to be admired and i may have permanitly ruined our friendship over this , i cant forgive myself i cant forgive him for what he did to me ive tried so many time but nope i cant let go of it i dont know how im so afraid to let my wall come all the way down im afraid! how do i do this?
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….. I know I say this to everyone but you need to get professional help because honestly its the only way you will start to believe in yourself and your future of you and your family. You sound pretty down on yourself and need to know just because you were vulnerable and had insecurities doesn’t give this guy the right to rape you. Try calling your local crisis center and see if they have rape counseling or can refer it to you. You can also try and go to rainn.org to find the nearest counselor that specializes in rape. I would also suggest taking a self defense class for your own protection as well as your daughters. I can promise this will help with your sense of security as well as your confidence level. Just know you are not alone and we all feel like this at some point after our rape, but also know that with the proper professional help we can get through it. I”m not gonna lie it’s not easy talking to a stranger but it’s a lot easier than what you are going through now, don’t you agree. And when you realize that the counselor understands and can give you moral support and help with your issues you will be so glad you did. You WILL become a happier person and the first person that will notice is your daughter. Hey my kid’s father was never in the picture and I would say it is just as bad as yours in a different way because I had to tell my daughter he chose not to be with her. At least you can say you were protecting her. Stay strong! Lynn
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I just turned 18 and im in a relationship with this guy for quite some time. We have a normal relationship for most standards I think, except when it comes to sex. I don’t believe in doing stuff sexually before marriage. But he forces me to have sex with him, I try to push him away and I say no and stop, but he still does it. Sometimes I get depressed and sad, because I don’t know why I stay with him. But other times I just remember all the good things he has done for me so I stay. He seems to be one of the nicest guys I know, except for this. After he’s finished he always says he’s sorry and that he won’t do it again, but it keeps happening. He told me that sometimes he just can’t control himself. I guess what I really want to know is was I raped? And what should I do?
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Confused, If you are saying “no” and “stop” and have clearly told him your beliefs and he forces himself on you YES this is rape. Rape is about control and this is his way of controlling you and ITS THE WORST WAY. GET OUT NOW. The fact that you haven’t reported him lets him know he is in control of you and it will never stop until you report him or at the very minimum leave, no contact, you must cut all ties. Change your phone number carry pepper spray, take a self defense class, get a big dog whatever just make sure to do those things IF you don’t report him because he isn’t going to take goodbye or no for an answer. Make a game plan and stick with it. I wouldn’t recommend even talking to him about it whatever you do. Just make a game plan for you and your safety and do it. I don’t care what nice things he has done for you, there isn’t enough nice things that can make up for rape and he has already admitted that he can’t control himself. That just like child molesters, they attrack you with kindness so they can have their way with you. PLEASE get away and stay away from him immediately. Just ask yourself if this was your daughter, would this behavior be acceptable to you if he was doing this to your daughter of 18? We both know the answer to that. Stay strong! Lynn
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I was raped 2 years ago by my ex. I had slept with him before and stayed with him for about 2 weeks after it happened. I told him no and tried to push him off me, but after a few minutes I just froze and ay there. I feel now ike I should of done more to stop him. I’m now with a new boyfriend, and he knows what happened, but he says whenever he touchs me I jump away even at something as simpe as him putting his arms around me. Sometime’s I start shaking uncontrobly and I can’t understand it because I trust him. I’ve never talked to anyone about it except my boyfriend and a close friend. I just want to be abe to have a norma reationship and forget about all this. I feel like 2 years on, I shoud be over it already!
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F. When someone goes through the trauma of rape you never get over it, you learn to deal with it. And if you deal with it the right way then you can move on to a better life. The best way to get over it and onto your new relationship is to get counseling, especially because it is affecting you and your new boyfriend. Nobody likes likes counseling and it isn’t easy but it is a lot easier than what you are going through now and guessing when things will get better. I’m sure your current boyfriend would appreciate you for helping yourself too. Stay strong! Lynn
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I was a High School graduate- between senior year and starting college ; when i was raped. My boyfriend at the time had asked a few times to “take our relationship to the next level” – i told him, i was going to save myself for marriage and he seemed “OK” with that answer. August 19 rolled around, my parents both were gone to work, and he came over to help me pack for school. He asked again- i told him no again, he corned me and told me “he waited long enough, and earned the right to have me” . I pushed him away, and as i walked away, he knocked me to the floor – forced me to perform oral sex on him, rapped me vaginally and then sodomized me – in my parents house. When he was finished- he told me “nobody will ever want to be with a (explicit) like me after the find out what you just did ” – and then thanked me before he left. Instinctively I peeled myself off the floor- and took a shower because i wanted to “wash him away” — not knowing not to. Called a close friend- she got to my house- and i didn’t say a word, she just knew what had happened and brought me to the hospital. They performed a rape kit, took pictures, nail clippings, hair combs, called the police- took statements- called in a detective, who took statements- made me drink a cocktail of medications to prevent pregnancy, and STD’s and released me home. The following morning, I was told to go to the police department, and file a warrant.My best friend who took me to the hospital, also took me to the police department. After taking my statement for the second time, the detective told me that “i was trying to frame him” and that “i wanted to do it at first, and must of changed my mind after” – then went on to tell me that “filing a false police report is punishable up to 5 years in jail and a 25,000 fine.” She advised me that she had spoken to my boyfriend- and that he says nothing happened- and that he said i was a liar — she told me she knew my boyfriend; that he was a member of her church, she watched him grow up and that she believed he was “incapable” of doing this. Being 17, traumatized from the rape, never have had dealt with the police before- I panicked and never signed the complaint. He went on to enlist in the Army, and i went to college. My best friend told me that “i needed help – that she couldn’t be friends with somebody who would lie about being rapped ” – and so I just distanced myself from everything. Since, i finished college, got married, and started a family– never really told my husband the details– basically told him “I was rapped when i was 16, and the guys name” because i didn’t want my husband to think I lied too. Why after 10 years am I telling this story? About a year ago, I met a person through some mutual friends – she and I became instant friends. Through chatting and hanging out, i learned we are both victims. I was telling her about my “guilt” complex- and she told me “Guilt- is the Holy Spirits way of telling you you’ve done something wrong, to teach you to correct it– your not feeling GUILT, your feeling SHAME — and Shame is Satan’s way of making you feel like your less than what God intended you to be.” — and after pondering this in my head for about two hours- all the shame i felt, being rapped, being called a liar, losing my friends, insecurities with guys, the secrecy, and the embarrassment – were gone. I finally came to terms that I hadn’t done anything wrong, and that even thought the justice system failed me – i wasn’t worthless- and a sense of peace came over me.
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A. Thanks for sharing and I’m glad you’ve reached the point of knowing you did NOTHING wrong! Remember rape is not about you, it is about the rapist needing control. Also, rape doesn’t define you, it only defines the person that did this to you as a rapist! Stay strong! Lynn
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I was raped about a year and a half ago and at first I bottled it up and tried to pretend like nothing had happened and I tried to forget but as time goes on it gets harder and harder to forget. I told a friend about what had happened and it seems to have ruined our friendship. she lives really far away so we talk over text mostly. I feel like I am now ready to talk about what happened and I want the support from my friend to do that but she isn’t keen to be there for me, she has said she will travel through to see me so we can talk face to face but she keeps putting it off and making excuses. I feel so alone because I have trusted her and want help but she won’t give it to me I feel like I have done something wrong in telling her because we just seem to argue all the time now. I don’t know what I should do because I still want to talk about stuff and have a shoulder to cry on but I’m loosing my friend. I have used this website to help and it has helped a lot but I want someone to be there aswell, I find it very hard to trust people and she is the only person I trust and feel I can talk to. what should I do?
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B. As much as you want your friend to help you can’t force her to nor can she do anything more than listen. If you are ready to talk don’t put it all on her put it on someone that can really truly help, a professional counselor. That is who you need to talk to. You can call your local crisis center, go through your insurance or even go to rainn.org to find the nearest counselor to you. Your friend is feeling the pressure and is acting this way for one of two reasons. 1 she doesn’t know how to help or 2 maybe she has been sexually assaulted. The best way to retain her friendship is to let her know you are getting professional help and you hope that you didn’t make her awkward but you would like to get back to the way it use to be. That is if her friendship is that important. That way you are doing the best thing for you and her. Stay strong! Lynn
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Hi, I was raped about 6 years ago. I just saw my attacker while I was with my boyfriend. I didn’t tell him until some time later. He saw me shake his hand and he is very confused and shaken by my reactions. I didnt want to shake his hand but felt scared and shameful of the past. I wanted to forget it and not allow him to have power over me. For this I am sorry,I did the best I could in an uncomfrotable situation. Now I am left with an angry shaken boyfriend and I myself feel sad and sickened. What to do, I shouldve filled charges but at the time I wasnt strong enough. I am so sad and lonely.
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M. Let your boyfriend know the reason you reacted that was was because it was in fact a “reaction” to the situation. Last time you saw him he was forcibly controlling you and you were scared frightened and didn’t know how to react. When you are taken off guard sometimes, especially when trauma has happened it is common to go back to what you know in an instant. All you could think of is don’t piss him off because he hurt you and you’re not sure of what he is now capable of doing. As far as your boyfriends feelings, his is common as well, because he can’t understand you being nice to a person that hurt you (and ultimately him) so bad. I suggest you both try and put each others shoes on and hopefully you will both have empathy. Stay strong! Lynn
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hiya, i seen this page and i thought id give it a bash since nothing and noone else seems to manage to understand and help me, i got raped about 8 months ago and im finding it really hard to get though it, i still blame myself for it as i was drunk and it was my big brothers friend but its hard to believe that someone would do that, makes me feel worthless and depressed. i think that if i wasnt in the drunken state i was in then it wouldnt have happened and maybe i was giving of signs there for its my own fault but it still breaks my heart and iv tried to go to my doctors about it but she just told me i have to let it go and get over it basically i have also been suffering depression for about 5 years and this on top of it doesnt help its hard, i get that i need to let it go but i cant right now, its still fresh and i just dont know how to get over it, because it was as much my fault but i didnt ask to go though what i did or go through this and iv been told that its him its fault hes scum dont let him get to you, but i cant ill be ok for a wee while then it just hits me bad and i think i nd some help through this, x
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B1992, First I would change doctors because I don’t know any good doctor out there that would tell you to get over it especially if you were already suffering from depression, so that is your first step. And when you go ask them to check you for ptsd (post traumatic stress disorder) because if you are suffering from that thhey can put you on meds to help. I will tell you one thing you need to let go of though and that is the blame you put on yourself. Think about it this way, you are basically saying that you are to blame because you got drunk, then that means that you think everyone that gets drunk deserves to be raped. You know that isn’t true so why do you think that about you. You were completely taken advantage of by a rapist that knew what he was doing and harmed you while you were in a vulnerable state. this was NOT your fault and that is the first step in your healing. Once you know that your shame and guilt will start to go away and you will start putting the blame where it belongs, on the asshole that did this to you. The next step is to get professional counseling so you can take back control of your life and your future. Right now you are stuck in the past that unfortunately can’t be changed. Start focusing on what you are in control of and that is your future but you can’t do it alone, you need professional help. It isn’t easy but it isn’t as hard as what you’ve already been through and it is necessary for your to heal and have a positive future. So just do it because you are worth it and the longer you wait the longer the rapist will be in control! Stay strong! Lynn
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hey,
I was raped last year and i’ve just told my mother i couldn’t keep it in anymore and so i told her with the support of my boyfriend and my best friend. And i thought that would make me feel better and help me get through the days but the problem is, when my mom or anyone wants to watch a movie with me and there’s a “love scene” i tune out and can’t think of anything else but the fact that i was raped.. I can’t even just relax and watch tv anymore ‘cuz here in holland after 10pm almost all the tv shows tune off and the only thing you will see is porn.. i somehow relate seeing sex on tv or anywhere to me being raped.. i don’t know exactly how to deal with this so when this happens i just walk away but I want to be able to do everything that i used to without being afraid without feeling hurt. I feel like my problem is becoming a bother, eventhough everyone wants to help me. I was out with my best friend and she lost her phone so she went to look for it for just a little while and then 2 guys walked up to me and we just started talking, but aperantly while i was talking to one guy the other guy put drugs in my drink and within a few minutes i was out, they took me outside (i don’t remember) and raped me out on the street. a few hours later cops came to pick me up, i had to talk to them and some other cops where searching the place for DNA, they confirmed i was raped, drugged and robbed. i sadly decided not to file them because i was aashamed and wanted nobody to know this happend to me, my mom now is going to call the police to see if they kept the evidence to try to find them and maybe sent them to court so it might give me some closure.
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H. If they due pursue it and find them it will help but the only thing that is going to give you closure is getting professional counseling. Your friends and family don’t know how to help you heal, all they can really do is be there when you need a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen, which is what you need from them. But they can’t help like a professional can. So try and get into some type of counseling to help you deal the right way. Because prosecuting isn’t going to help you live like you used to, do you understand? You can go to rainn.org which is international and try and find a counselor near you if you can’t locate one on your own, but the longer you wait the longer it will take to get back control over your life. Stay strong! Lynn
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I was raped 7 months ago by a friend of a friend. I am not sure if I was drugged or not, all I know is that I woke up face down with someone on top of me after a night out with friends/acquaintances.
The worst part about the situation is that I had had sex with another guy in the house who was sleeping beside me. When I woke up, at first I couldn’t understand what was going on, and was thinking why would this guy that I had sex with earlier be doing this to me. I found it really hard to wake up even though I knew what was happening to me, when I finally woke up I realized that I was looking at the guy I had sex with earlier. I screamed “his fucking me” and punch the guy I had sex with eariler in the chest to wake him up. The guy on top of me ran away and I am still who did it exactly (there were 3 other men upstairs in the house). I tried to get dressed and leave, but I couldn’t find my pants. I didn’t care I was trying to leave half naked, I just knew I needed to get out of that house. The rest is a blur, but they finally found my pants between the mattresses of the bed, I left the house and went home the next day. I wasn’t sure I would report it or not, I wasn’t sure what even happened to me. After talking to a bunch of friends I went to the hospital and had a rape kit done. I reported this to the police and have done everything I can to get something done about this crime.
The problem I face, everyone involved in the situation has a lawyer and won’t talk to the police. The married couple that owns the house that this happened in (asleep at the time) won’t talk to the police or let them in their house. The man I had sex with will not talk to the police. One of the other men in the house made a terrible statement about me to the police. I want to fight this, but how am I suppose to when I keep getting it’s “he said she said” I don’t understand how me waking up with someone on top of me, is “he said she said”. I would like any advice anyone has about how to proceed. I am frustrated and want to stand up for myself. The original DNA tests came back negative, and I was told that I can’t proceed without that evidence.
I find it harder and harder to convince myself that a terrible crime was committed against me when this is what is being done about it. This situation has rocked me to my core, I didn’t think anything could affect me as profoundly as this has. This has fundamentally changed who I am, and it just pisses me off that someone took something from me that I will never get back and he just gets to sail through life like nothing happened.
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Losingmydrive, This really does suck to be blatant. And unfortunately a person is innocent til proven guilty. I get this type of story all the time which is why more people don’t report than do and it saddens me deeply because all that happens is that these people end up getting away with it and I can promise you it probably wasn’t the first time and won’t be the last. It is true that without evidence it basically falls to he said she said in the eyes of the court and unless someone else has reported him or you have evidence he won’t be proven guilty of the charge. that’s the bad news.. But here is the good news that you need to focus on to get you through this, and it is that you did turn him in and these people were forced to get lawyers and it is on record. Whether he is convicted or not you have scared them, you have in fact stood up for yourself and they know it and the law knows it. And more importantly the two guys involved and you know it happened, so they are scared whether or not they admit it. That being said hopefully you have stopped him from doing that to someone else. So don’t think you aren’t getting anywhere because you have done more than most and you have shown that they messed with the wrong person. Now you need to take care of yourself because obviously no one else is. You need to get into counseling because if you don’t you are going to be eaten up with this and staying in the past instead of moving on with your future. You can’t change the past but you need to be able to deal with this and not let these assholes control you with negative thoughts because then they win. So call your local crisis center to get counseling or go to rainn.org to find the nearest one to you that specializes in rape. Just don’t let this control and dictate your life. Stay strong! Lynn
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About a year ago, I was in my first year at uni. I got drunk and had an argument with my boyfriend and so he left. I wasn’t that drunk at all but I continued drinking with people I had just met at my uni. VERY soon after I completely lost my memory of everything that happened that night, which was strange. I wasn’t even that drunk to begin with. I think my drink was spiked. And I think I was raped because the next morning I woke up naked feeling very sore down below (for about a week), with quite a bit of blood (I was a virgin). I don’t think I can talk to anyone because I don’t think I’m as worse off as anybody that was conscious during that experience. I am NOT the type of person to ever (even when drunk) let somebody do that. So I definitely think my drink was spiked. I’ve tried talking to my boyfriend but it results in fights or tears. I don’t know who to talk to. To be very honest I only really get that upset about it when I’m drinking. I don’t know what to do.
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anonymous, Well it sounds to me like you are ready to talk about it but you need to talk about it to a counselor. Your boyfriend is probably frustrated because he doesn’t know how to help. That doesn’t make his reaction right but it is a common reaction when people feel helpless. As far as not wanting to talk to anyone, that is exactly what you should be doing. I was drug raped and don’t remember a thing either but it doesn’t mean we don’t go through life altering emotions and lack of sense of security, trust and completely violated. This type of rape is extremely common and isn’t any less serious than any other type of rape emotionally. So please seek professional help, because the longer you wait the longer it will control your life and the longer it will take to heal because it is detrimental to your life that much longer. Let your boyfriend know that you are gonna get professional help and that the only thing you would like from him is his support as a shoulder to cry on or to be there when you feel scared. Let him know that you don’t expect him to know the answers and this will take the pressure off him. If you go to a counselor he will know you are trying to help yourself and will hopefully be your rock. You can call your local crisis center or I’m sure your uni also has resources because most do. If that doesn’t work go to rainn.org to find the nearest counselor to you that specializes in rape. Lastly, maybe cut down on the drinking until you get your emotions under control because all it does iis makes your emotions worse. Stay strong! Lynn
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I was recently sexually assulted by someone I knew and thought I could trust. For the past few days I have been going crazy in my own head deciding if I should tell my parents. I’ve came to the conclusion that I eventually want to but I want to focus on my own healing first. This was a recent assult and I am still very shaken up about it (in fact I am tearing up as I write this). Faith has gotten me through a lot in life so I am hoping that I can look to that for some comfort. I am going to try I found this site very helpful and I feel it pointed me in the right direction.
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C. I’m so glad I could help! I do suggest you get some professional help through a counselor. You can call your local crisis center or go to rainn.org to find one nearest you that specializes in rape. The counseling will help you decide when and how to tell your parents as well as help you with the right steps in healing. Everyone that goes through rape needs to seek counseling and the sooner the better because the longer you go without it, the longer it will detrimental to your future and it will take that much longer to heal. I would also suggest if you have one person in your life that you know you can trust 100% that won’t judge you that you turn to them. Because you will need someone that you can turn to 24/7 to support you in your time of need. That being said they can’t help you the way a counselor can and when you do tell them you also need to let them know that you don’t expect them to have the answers, all you want them for is to be there for a should to cry on or an ear to listen or just when you are feeling lonely and scared. That way they won’t feel on the spot to make it better when they don’t know what to do. All they have to do is just be there. I would also suggest that until you get to counseling and while you are in it to write out your feelings especially before bed as a mental release so you can improve your sleep. About an hour before bed write out your feelings then do something that takes your mind off what you just wrote right before you go to sleep. When you get good sleep it lowers your anxiety level during the day which means it brings down your stress level. And keep the faith! Stay strong! Lynn
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Hi my name is A, i feel hopeless and i have been rapped at the age of 12. I was not ever summer this year and i was date rapped. It started when i opened to my soon to be boyfriend and let him in. I had just woke up so i was soon in my pj’s. He wanted to take my to the store to buy a large purple monster. I had to get dressed and i couldn’t find any shorts so i had to put o my shorter shorts :/. We we got back from the store and he had a bottle opener, he opens my moms high class wine that was really strong, he poured it in the monster into the wine and gave it to me. I never repeat never wanted to drink it but I was pressured and did it, i felt so weird, it was like a floating sensation. We some how we managed on my bed and started making out, i wasted so badly to stop but didn’t have the strength to fight, i felt to weak. I blanked out and woke up with well i think you can figure out the rest. I need help i told my mom but then told her i lied to her, what do i do i need someone to help me
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A. The first thing you need to do is get into counseling, whether it’s going to the school guidance counselor or your local crisis center. You can even go to rainn.org and find the nearest counselor to you, tell them you need counseling and don’t know what to do and they will help. Lying to your mother or anyone about getting raped is not goood because it discredits you so please try not to lie about it anymore. I would also tell you mom that you were telling the truth the first time but you were scared of her reaction and/or didn’t want to hurt her. But if that doesn’t work just work with the counselor and she can better help you with whom to tell, when and the appropriate help you need if you are feeling this bad. Stay strong! Lynn
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Lynn, this site has already helped me. Thank you. Until now I hadn’t found anything to help me deal on a day-to-day basis with what happened.
When I was a kid I heard my father being violent towards women, sexually and physically. I cut him out of my life when I was 11 and started a process of privacy and ruthless control over who I allowed into my life. It kept me safe and it worked. All through school I was only friends with people I trusted and who were decent. I have been with my partner for almost four years and we’re very much in love.
It happened in May this year on my anniversary and he was someone I do community work with who I had become friends with (I’ll call him J). I can’t remember much of that weekend as I’d had a traumatic week and was uncharacteristically vulnerable. I was staying at J’s place during a conference where ironically I was giving a talk on feminism. It happened in the morning. I didn’t want to do it, but I couldn’t speak or move and I have no how long it lasted.
I feel terrible because I was so weak. I should have resisted and I should not have been there at all, I should have just traveled home from the conference at nights. We work for a feminist organisation and I should have been stronger. I took so many precautions for so many years and had so much control and then this happened because I was too weak.
I told J how I felt, who expressed serious remorse but I don’t think he understands the full impact. He lied to his girlfriend and me by omission; I’m quite sure he gave her warped ideas because she thought we were having an affair, spread rumours and people in our office took her into their homes but not once did they ask me if it was true. They alienated me even though they all know that I am gay. My relationships with all of them are damaged and none of them know about the rape.
I was wearing the first shirt my partner ever gave to me of hers when it happened because it was our anniversary and I felt bad for having to be at the conference and wanted to feel close to her. Now every time I look at that shirt I feel sad and guilty and wrong. I haven’t told my partner because I have to continually work with J and I know my partner won’t be able to deal with that, and I also don’t want to ruin our anniversary for her. It’s the first thing I have kept from her, and that scares me. But I just know it will break her heart; she’s lost both parents in the past few years and I know I can go this alone if it means sparing her. If anything, the idea of sacrificing my own peace of mind for hers actually makes me feel stronger.
Since May I have had panic attacks on and off during the nights. It’s better when I am less tired.
I don’t have time for counselling because I’m studying an intense law degree, work, and do voluntary community work. I am mostly OK when I am eating well, sleeping well, working my mind, and am taking time for enjoyment but the moment I become tired or hormonal I slip into a pit and I can’t make myself do the things that I know would make me feel better. I know I should sleep but I just can’t, I know I should work but I can’t. Then the panic attacks start and I’m useless. Do you have any tips or mantras?
Another thing I’ve noticed is that when I’m tired caffeine really helps me. I’ve never drank it in my life, but when I’m tired and at risk of what I call a regression/episode at the start of the day, it does help me and forces me to eat so I don’t get the caffeine shakes. Is it OK that I do this? Is it a transition fuel or will I become addicted and hopeless without it?
Thank you. Your tips have been wonderful, especially the reminder that I control my future.
Sorry about the length, first time I’ve talked about it to anyone but J himself —- AJC.
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AJC, The coffee is the last thing I am concerned about as should you be. It is not an issue and if it helps it’s fine and should not even be an issue. It seems to me that you are not seeing the huge issue that needs to be addressed, your life! You are putting everyone else including the rapist J first. You say that you understand only you control the future but you are more concerned with everyone else before yourself. You will only continue to have panic attacks and loose sleep until you address it and trust me the coffee helping will fade away because it is temporary and has nothing to do with your mental health. This is your life and you MUST make time for counseling, make time for yoga to help you decompress. In fact you need to do yoga before bed to help induce a more restful sleep. I also recommend writing out your feelings before bed IF you are having nightmares or can’t sleep as a mental release. So write, then do yoga then bed. You don’t have to keep what you write, just get it our of your head and on paper. Most importantly you MUST get away from J. I don’t care if it is finding another job, reporting him whatever you have to do your life will not improve when he is a constant reminder and you are being chastised by your co-workers. I really don’t care what they think or what J thinks and nor should you. You should be concerned about you and your partner. About your partner, you need to put yourself in her shoes and ask yourself how would you feel if it happened to her and she wasn’t honest with you? Are you more concerned with a date or with your relationship being open and honest. This was not your fault, you were not weak. What happened was because of the trauma you knew as a kid and it stuck with you for so long when this happened your body went into protection mode. What I mean by that is that you trusted this person, never knew he was capable of this therefore you didn’t know what else he was capable of so you protected yourself by not fighting him and something worse happening. This happens all the time. Again, if this would have happened to your partner, the exact same as it did to you, would you blame her? No you wouldn’t but you would want to be there for her to support her and you would be terribly hurt if you felt she couldn’t come to you with this, right? Now let me address the scenario that I see with J and that scares me for you because I hear about this happening all the time. Rape is about control, and when someone you know rapes you (happens all the time) and you don’t either turn him in or tell someone then he still has control. When a rapist knows they have control, the majority of the time it happens again because they know they can because you didn’t do anything about it. Talking to him doesn’t count. So if you aren’t going to turn him in you need to do everything in your power to get away from him, far far away to make a stand that he knows this is unacceptable. And when I mean tell someone I’m not just talking about your partner. The police is best, especially if he could already be on record for doing this to someone else. But if you don’t do that I would at the very least change jobs (your sanity is priceless and so is your relationship) and tell your boss why you are forced to leave. Another thing I just thought of is by staying and working with him if it ever does come out it ruins your credability with everyone including your partner, because who stays and continues to work/talk/see their rapist? You have a lot to think about and you MUST find the time for professional counseling because you and your life are worth it. Everyday you don’t fight for yourself he wins! Stay strong! Lynn
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I was raped at the age of sixteen. I was at a New Years Eve party, and everyone was drinking. Although I was drinking, I remember not having that much, as to how unbelievably out of control I was, so I believe something was slipped into one of my drinks. Because I don’t think I had more than 4 or 5 drinks. I soon blacked out, and then woke up to go in my friends bedroom, by myself to sleep. I think my girl friend helped me in there because i couldn’t walk, but I DO remember I layer down ALONE. I later woke up to a guy, who I thought was my friend before, taking advantage of me in my sleep. All of my clothes were off, I was too out of it and weak to push him off or yell, and i just remember him throwing me around as I lay there helpless. He soon gave up because I think he saw I was awake or wasn’t “into it”. Few days passed and a couple people at school had found out, and blamed me, called me a slut or different names. I tried not to think anything about it and soon forgot about it. Well, years have passed and I’m now 21 with a very loving fiancé who is wonderful, and I love a happy life. One night while I was trying to sleep, the rape images came into my mind and I couldn’t get away from them. A few nights later I had a panic attack and have been anxious ever since. I don’t know if my anxiety is just from that, or numerous things. But I need help. The only people that know are the ones who blamed me, and my fiancé, but he doesn’t know how to handle it. I need help.
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Anxious, If you are having panic attacks and/or it’s affecting your relationship I would suggest counseling. Actually everyone that experiences rape should get it and the sooner the better. Rape is like your shadow you can never run from it. You have to face it head on and learn how to deal with it so it doesn’t adversely affect your future. This also lets your fiance off the hook of trying to “know what to do”. Let him know that its ok that he doesn’t know because neither do you which is why you are gonna go to counseling and seek the advice of a professional. Let him know all you expect from him is his support and love and be there as a shoulder to cry on or lean against when you need it. This will take the feeling of helplessness away and help you both. You can call your local crisis center for counseling or you can go to rainn.org or even through your health insurance but just do it because the sooner you do the better your future will be. Stay strong! Lynn
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3 years ago I lost a custody battle, my dughter was taken to another country and I basically had a nervous break down. I left my current husband and moved back home (across the country) While home I was raped, and about a month later found out I was pregnant. I went back to my husband after a couple of months. I was so ashamed and felt so disgusted that I thought it was better to have him hate me than to tell him the truth. I told my husband that I had had a 1 night stand and that I was pregnant. He was hurt and upset and angry, but we worked through it, I expected him to leave but he didnt. I had an abortion, though I am against it, I could not go through with having the baby. He stood by me through it, and our marriage was stronger than ever, or so I thought. About 2 weeks ago he left me, telling me that the affair has been eating him alive and that he was no longer happy with me and did not love me anymore. He has started to get help for his PTSD, from many deployments with the military, and I have recently started to get help with dealing with the seperation and the rape. Today, my husband and I got into an argument and he threw the affair in my face and I told him if he was going to hate me he should at least have the whole truth, so I told him about the rape. It doesnt change anything between us now, but after talking to him about it, and he is still the only one that knows, I havent gotten comfortable enough with the counselor to talk about it yet, but after talking with him, I learned what a huge mistake I made by not telling him in the 1st place. Unfortunately he tells me that him knowing that it was rape and not an affair would have made a huge difference in saving our marriage but that now it is too little too late. I feel so alone and so lost that I dont know what to do, I lied to him because I wasnt ready to deal with it, and Im still not wanting to deal with it, and that has cost me the love of my life
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Lost and Alone, I’m so sorry that you are not only going through the trauma of rape but also the loss of your marriage, it must be horribly difficult. However I always like to try and find at least on thing positive to focus on and that is the fact that I can tell you are very strong, I know it doesn’t feel like it but you are because you took all this on yourself. The other positive is that you are strong and smart enough to know you can’t do this alone and have already started counseling, unlike most. So what you have to do now is focus on yourself. The only person we can control is ourselves, no one else. So as much as you want your husband to change the way he thinks and what he wants, you can’t. The best thing to do for you and him is to take care of yourself and get your head straight and once that happens and he sees that you never know what the future will bring. But either way you need your future to be better and that will only be achieved through counseling. Your counselor can only help you if you tell her the truth and how this all came about. So if you’ve been talking about your marriage but haven’t told her a lot of this stems from the rape and lie to your husband she won’t be able to get to the root of the issue. You know this because of what happened with your husband. I realize it is hard but I promise you not as hard as what you’ve already been through AND this is gonna help you. This will be constructive and help you and your future. You are strong and I know you can do it but again focus on you and your healing not about your husband right now. Because when you get your head straight then you can deal with what is put in front of you in a strong and rational way. You are worth it, you are not alone! Stay strong! Lynn
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i just found last night that my 13 yr old gal has been raped 3yrs ago. she did not tell anybody about this until last night. i was going through her staff when i found the book that she wrote on. I called her to ask her about it and she started crying. for 3yrs she was carring this burden in her heart. her school work has already started to detoriate. for the past 2 terms she was average but to my surprise this term she improved by 6%. i called her and told her its not her fault and i am getting help for her with the professional counsellor and that i still love her more regardless of what happened to her. I will not tell my other family members about it, I;m her mother we will deal with it together. this morning she said she felt little bit lighter in her heart.
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Hello, when I was five my step-dad raped me ..my mother caught him in the act then he went to jail for 5 years ..I am 21 now I am fine with that incident now since I don’t really remember much from the incidents that happen to me…I never trusted men after that I defended myself all my live ..I notice that I always had some person trying to be my boyfriend when they are way older than myself ..I always had my guard up when I should of realized that the person closets to are the ones you also need to keep a close eye..later in my life I was raped by my own father ..I did not know it was rape until I got older I did not now about sex soo I was very naive ..my father did what he did I think because he never thought I was his daughter since he was not involved in my life..my parents got divorced when I was very young soo I did not see much of my father ..as I got older he became more involved in my life and I was happy, but when I turned 12 thats when things started to change..I was raped again at age 12 an half until I was 18 almost 19 ..it stopped once I decided I needed to get away ..I always wanted it to never happen, but I did what my parents expect as any child ..I stopped the act by going far away to college ..I am now in my third year in college and its hard because I do have fear it could happen again..I am glad to say that he has a new family soo I don’t have to worry now..I am in a loving relationship with my boyfriend of almost 2 years now ..I never thought anything that happened to me was a problem because I blocked it out of my head and made sure I am always happy, but now that I have my boyfriend I see my problems ..I am getting all this terrible memories that are making it hard for me to deal with sexual acts sometimes ..I don’t know what to do ..I just watch sexual movies to get my mind in sex, but I then think that I watched sexual movies before I was raped soo its hard ..its still current I think I will be better once the years pass, but I still have to deal with the person that hurt me the most in my life ..I was raped for 5 years I think and I did get a STD thats how I realized I did get rape ..I lost my virginity to this rape and after I realized everything I felt used and having no value..I told my boyfriend my whole story he love me no matter what soo that made me realize that I had no choice and I must do the best in what I have..I put my own value because if I don’t then I have none..I am stronger from everything that has happen in my life ..I will always be happy tired of crying ..its just had to deal with this memories that I hope will go away soon.
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R. I’m so sorry that you have been put through this trauma. It confusion is understandable based on this is pretty much what you grew up to know by someone you wanted to trust. Because of this you need professional counseling. Everyone that goes through rape does but yours is so deeply rooted that you aren’t going to know how to have a normal relationship until you do. You can go through your local crisis center or go to rainn.org and find the nearest counselor that specializes in rape. It won’t be easy but it will be well worth it and only make your future life and relationships better for it. And remember it isn’t as hard as what you’ve been put through. I believe this has made you stronger so take the step and get into counseling. Think about it this way, God forbid this was your child this happened to, wouldn’t you make sure she got the counseling she needed from a professional? I’m sure you would and now that you are an adult you have to take care of yourself. Do it because you are worth it and I know you want your life back and to not let this control your thoughts or life anymore. Stay strong! Lynn
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I was raped two and a half years ago. I’m now in a healthy relationship with some one I love very much. I still get nervous about sex and don’t trust many people. I also have a hard time talking to others including my boyfriend about what bothers me. I’m too scared to go to a councelor because I feel like I’m too private for that. I don’t let anyone hug me or get too close other than my boyfriend. Sometimes I get really depressed. I don’t know what to do. Please help me. I feel so lost. I feel like all of this hit me at once after ignoring it since it happened. I don’t want my boyfriend to leave me because I am too stubborn and scared to ask for help.
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C. You are here asking for help so you obviously know you need it. You need to get professional help as we all do. It’s not harder than what you went through OR what you are going through now. I would call your local crisis center or go to rainn.org and find the nearest counselor to you that specializes in rape. I promise you it will be well worth it and will only help your future for you and your relationship. No one likes to go but when you start to see the positive results of going you will wish you did it sooner. Another thing is the longer you wait the longer the healing process is, so go as soon as you can. If you have a hard time talking at first maybe you could write out your feelings and give them to the counselor to break the ice. Counselors are on your side and they don’t judge and as you can see from all the other posts no one can handle it on their own. No matter what they do or how hard they try it doesn’t go away and will continue to haunt you until you learn the right ways to cope. We are not hardwired on how to deal with rape which is why we need the help of professionals. Let me put it this way, if God forbid this happened to your daughter wouldn’t you want to do what is best for her, even if she didn’t want to do it because she was scared, wouldn’t you know it was the right thing to do and help her the best that you can? I know you would so ask your boyfriend for support (if he knows) and take the step to a better and brighter future for you both, I promise you’ll be glad and relieved that you did. If your boyfriend doesn’t know then talk to the counselor on how to handle telling him because he needs to know so he can give you the support you need. Stay strong! Lynn
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Thank you so much for this article. A good friend of mine was repeatedly raped by a relative for 7 months and I’ve been trying to find out how best to be able to help her. I was sad that there wasn’t more available material on-line to help not only rape victims but also their loved ones learn how to cope with what happened. I found your article to be very helpful. Best wishes!
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Hi I am leaving this comment because I don’t know who to turn to, my girlfriend was recentley raped, she doesn’t know how she ended up where she did and woke up to a man havin sex with her, she started screamin then the man started shoutin abuse at her and she ran out the house. Whenevr I try to talk to her about it we both break down to tears. She will not tell her mother but I believe she is the person who can give her the support she needs but I don’t want to betray her trust as I am the only one she has confided in and told me that her mother wasn’t to know. I have told her that love her so much and that I am here for her if she needs to talk but she doesn’t seem willing to open up about it to me but no1 else know so I can’t let her carry this burden alone.
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G. Sorry for the delay as I must have overlooked your post. First let me say thank you for being there for her and loving her. Unfortunately if you tell her mother then it will only hurt her because she does trust you, so you can’t tell anyone if you want your girlfriend to be able to trust you. That being said the support she needs is from a professional counselor but you also can’t make her go. You can suggest it but she has to go when she is ready. Every single post on this website is from people that have gone through rape and can’t deal and every single one I reply that they need professional counseling. Maybe bring her to this site to help give her ideas as well as go through the posts. That way she will see that not one person has been able to deal with it themselves and the longer she waits to get the help she needs the more it will affect her life in a detrimental way. Good luck and stay strong! Lynn
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When I was 11 me and my best friend were raped by two 16 year old boys. I’m now 16 and I’m strugglin still to deal with it , I shut everyone out and stuggle to get intimate with my boyfriend because I have flash backs and I feel dirty and frightened. I never told anyone because I believed it was my fault. I really need help because its taking over my life and I don’t want to live like this, always scared wanting no one to look at me or touch me and as I’m still in school its affecting my work! I just want things back to normal so I can get on with my life and be happy and not have to have this incident on my back. I just want to be a normal 16 year old girl
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fA You are so young then and now to even be thinking about handling this alone, you or your friend. I can promise you know one is going to think at age 11 it was your fault not then and not now. So you both need to go tell either your parents, a guidance counselor at school or a relative you feel comfortable with that you know can help. But you can not carry this on your shoulders without help because I can promise you it will only get heavier. As far as people touching you, take a self defense class because that will help towards your sense of security and bring your confidence level back up. But most importantly know that it wasn’t your fault and stop letting it make you feel dirty. I do think you are still to young to be intimate with your boyfriend because of the emotions and this is proof. So maybe take a step back, go talk to someone you can trust to get help and get your head straight before you get too deeply involved with someone else. That way you feel in control instead of scared and confused. Stay strong! Lynn
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I was raped my sophomore year in high school, and he took my virginity. I was in a stable relationship of seven months, and four months later my boyfriend and I decided to try intimacy to rid me of this burden. However, I feel as if Im too scarred. Im now a senior in high school, and although I feel fine talking about the rape and thinking about it, whenever my same boyfriend and I try to be intimate, I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach that Im just too dirty, and I can never enjoy the moment, because my mind and body wont let me relax. Sometimes I tense up so much that I end up physically hurt. I also have trouble sleeping at night. Not over anything particular, there’s just a constant worry I carry, and I always feel as if Im being watched. Please help.
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S. The first thing you need to know and believe is that rape doesn’t define you, only the person that did this to you as a rapist. Rape is about control not you ans what saddens me is that he is still controlling you. It sounds like you have a person that loves you and is patient which is great. Now you need to do something for you and him. Get professional counseling because really that is the only thing that can really help you deal off your own triggers and situations. So call your local crisis center for a referral or go to rainn.org. In the meantime, something you can do that might help you sleep at night is right in a journal or just write on a piece of paper and get rid of it. Either way but just write your feelings out and get them out of your head onto paper. Do this about an hour or 30 mins before sleep and then do something relaxing like read a book to get your mind off what you wrote or my favorite is to do yoga. Something about the breathing relaxes you and releases all the negative energy and you feel so relaxed. This is also something you can do in the morning to especially if you’ve had a bad night. Also as far as the writing it is a pattern to get into and the more you do it the more it helps and will stimulate better sleep over time. If you do these things for you I promise you it will automatically improve your relationships with the people that do really mean something to you. All you have to do is take care of yourself first and all the rest will fall into place. Stay strong, Lynn
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hello Lynn,
why is it always traumatic to go over or thru a phase or period of rape. every november or end of year around this time, i do not survive the nights at all. do you think it will ever go away? talking about it doesnt help much.
i thnk sometimes people think its unnecessary or its stupid or intentionally your fault, because eventually people get tired of your issues, i dont talk anymore, to my Doctor, i jsut go there and whenever neccessary for prescription. i ma due for tests and it scares the hell out of me.
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D. It does get better and if you are seeing a counselor/doctor I think you should utilize their services and talk about what is bothering you at this time of year. Rx’s are only temporary and not the solution. Albeit they help but they are not the answer. If you don’t feel your doctor is helping then find a different counselor. As far as night time, something you might want to try is writing out your feelings about an hour or so before bedtime. Get all your thought out on paper. This is a mental release and if you do it every night it will help improve your sleep. It is something that the more you do it the better it works. I also suggest doing yoga, after you written out your thoughts right before bed, this will help tremendously as well. Stay strong! Lynn
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Lynn,
I was raped 4 years ago. I just here recently told my famiy. I was scared about what they would think. Everyday I regret not reporting it. All my close friends are very supportive about it. My family doesn’t believe me because it took so long for me to say something. There have been times where i would dream about that night and relive that day over and over. Do you think if I say something to the police that it will make me feel better.
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S. If you know who the person is I would report it albeit they probably won’t be able to do much without any evidence UNLESS the person has been reported before and has a record of rape. If you don’t know who it is and have no evidence then I would just take care of yourself by getting some professional counseling. You can contact your local crisis center or go to rainn.org to find the nearest counselor to you that specializes in rape. I’m sorry your family doesn’t believe you but personally I think it is a form of denial on their part. Unfortunately, you can’t control what other people think so just concentrate on what you can control and that is getting yourself better. Stay strong! Lynn
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hi erm well am only 17 and i had it happen to me when i was 15 i just told my family and just starting to do something about it because its eating me up inside i have bad dreams nearly every night about what happened and i get flashbacks and i cant stand to hear the word am off to the doctors to get help but i am scared i dont like telling people how i feel and i dont know what it will be like could you give me any idea of what it will be like am just scared of dealing with it i have been putting it to the back of my mind until now !
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RCHL, What I can tell you is that it isn’t easy but it isn’t as hard as what you’ve already been through and it is necessary to be on the road to recovery. Just tell yourself that you got through the rape and now you have to go through the steps to getting better. Besides you yourself said it isn’t getting better and you’ve carried it this long. Once you are able to start opening up and getting the support and help you need you will be glad you did. Rape is like your shadow, you can’t run from it because it is always there UNTIL you face it directly and learn the proper ways to deal. I would also suggest writing out your feelings when you have certain triggers or flashbacks and talking about the specifics to your counselor so you can learn how to deal with them. Just tell yourself that even if it is difficult you know it is the right thing to do and it will help. I bet that when you feel comfortable with your counselor it will start pouring out of you. I can promise the more you let out the more room you have to heal. Stay strong! Lynn
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Hi
I was raped 4 days ago. I felt numb for the first few days but now emotions are starting to crop up and I don’t think I can deal with them. I hurt so much that I close my eyes and hope that I will disappear. I have a background of mental health issues and am on medication for bipolar 2. I just need help and reassurance.
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J. Hopefully you’ve read through the site and found some helpful thing to try for immediate relief as well as long term. The main thing you need especially based on you health history is to get into counseling right away as well as talk to you doctor. Professionals are not going to pass judgment and it is in your own best interest to be honest with them so they can help you. You can go through your health provider to find a counselor or I suggest going to rainn.org or even your local crisis center to find the nearest counselor that is trained in rape. Good luck and stay strong! Lynn
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I was raped six months ago and he took my virginity. I told my parents and close friends, but it is still eating me up. I have hidden it from my brother even though we are very close because I don’t it to hurt him too. My parents believe me, but have become emotionally distant from me, and can’t give me the support I need. I often feel that I can’t cope with life any more. It seems that it is too hard to be me. I am very insecure about myself and despite being on medication for depression (sometimes I feel fine), I am so often very low and inwardly hysterically emotional that I feel like being happy is a battle that I just cannot win. One of the things about being raped that I have found hard to deal with has been how much it isolates you. I just want to be happy, but when my family and friends are saddened and pained by my experience, my depression just becomes more entrenched. I feel incredibly frustrated.
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E. What you are going though is very normal even though it doesn’t feel like it and even though we don’t like it, it is a normal process, so don’t think you are going crazy. That being said there are a few things you can do that will help the situation. Not necessarily over night but with time and commitment it will get better. First and most importantly counseling, medication is only a temporary fix. You have to get your head straight and then you won’t need the medication, because basically everything is still there when the medication wears off right? Not saying you don’t need it because I was on meds for a almost a year and in counseling a little over a year. But I was able to get off my meds and then finish the counseling. It was because I was able to get my head straight and then I was able to see the light as to why my love ones didn’t support me like I needed. That was because they didn’t know how and they thought if they mentioned it or tried that it would male thing worse. They thought if they acknowledge it at all it would bring emotions that hurt us all and the best thing was to act like it never happened, hoping it would go away. This is the absolute worst thing they can do, but we can’t condemn them because they just don’t know. Unfortunately this puts more of a burden on us, which is the last thing we need. We look at it like we don’t want to hurt them, but in reality we are hurting so bad that we need to be strong enough to ask for the help that we DESERVE. So the best palce to start is through counseling because the only people that do understand are other rape survivors or trained professionals. So you have 2 options and I beg of you to choose one or both. Regular counseling or group counseling. I promise you the longer you wait the longer it will eat at you and the longer you will need counseling. So either go through your health plan, call your local crisis center or go to rainn.org and find the closet counselor to you that deals with rape. Another thing is you can let your family know that you understand they don’t knoe how to help but ignoring it doesn’t. Let them know that you need to seek professional counseling and that the only thing you want from them is a shoulder to cry on and a sense of security/ And it is ok to cry because the more you let out the more room you have to heal. Stay strong! Lynn
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Dear Lynn,
Thank you for creating this website. After what happened to me I was desperate to find something like this. I read several websites that weren’t very helpful at all. I am very sorry to hear about the terrible experiences of others. But being able to share my own pain with others who understand already feels cathartic. So thank you, very much, for being here.
love,
E
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I was raped. I am now 15 years old and recently told my parents but I had waited to long so they can no longer press charges, I was scared to tell cause he threatened me. I have been to a therapist but it just makes me uncomfortable with my family. It bothers me knowing he is still out there. I don’t trust anyone. I’ve only told close friends and a few family members. They seem like they want to be here for me but also forget about it a lot. I want to talk to them about it but I just feel like I can’t. It’s holding me back from being a teenager and having normal feelings with guys. I just can’t get it out of my head. I can’t go out in public without being worried he is there or it will happen again. Is there anything that will help me trust?
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B. Your parents or friends would rather act like it didn’t happen which is why you feel you can’t talk to them because they don’t know how to help. They feel if they act like it didn’t happen then maybe you will forget about it, unfortunately that is not what happens and it just bothers us more because we feel like know one is there. It’s not their fault so don’t hold it against them because they just don’t know how to help or deal. Which is why you MUST get more counseling, either from the same therapist or go to someone new. But don’t stop. As awkward as you feel and that is also normal I promise it will help, but you have to be in it for a while, it doesn’t happen in a couple of visits. That truly is the only person that can help you understand your feelings and what you are going through, counselors or other rape survivors. Maybe you can ask about group counseling. I promise you that you will make life long friends and that you would have someone to call 24/7 that totally understands what you are going through. You would also find out things that have helped or not. I think that would be an excellent for you. Just believe with the right work that you will get through this. Stay strong! Lynn
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hi,
its nearly been six months since i got raped. i was 16 when it happened and stupidly i went out with some older girls to go clubbing for the first time. i didnt enjoy the experience much but we decided to go back to a house party where i got raped. everything is such a blurr now because so much happened in the 24 hours after it happened. my whole family, boyfriend and friends know which can be quite good at times but i feel when i talk about it know one understands what im saying they cant understand what ive been through. i never have talked in depth about what happened (except to the police) because i hate the thought of reliving it but my boyfriend who has been with me through all of this is finding it hard because i havent told him exactly what happened and sometimes thinks im hiding things from him which im not. i just dont want him imagening it in his head. i just feel so alone all the time. i can be at school and be surrounded by people but still feel soo alone i feel like im hiding it from everyone but its coz i dont want everyone knowing and labelling me as a “victim”. ive tried speaking to a counsellour but i didnt like it i just dont know how to overcome this lonelyness and how to express to my boyfriend that because i dont tell him everything that im not hiding anything. any pointers would be really helpful and its nice to know that im not the only person in this world to go through this.
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A. You need to let your boyfriend know that he knows all that matters, that he doesn’t need to know the horrid details and if he cares about you he will support you. And you need to stick with the counseling. Even if you have to switch counselors don’t give up because the only person that you are hurting is you and your future. Try going to a crisis center or even go to rainn.org and find the nearest counselor to you that specializes in rape. Just don’t give up, please. You are so young and you have so much ahead of you. It sounds like you have support AND went through the right steps, so you are a lot farther than most for it being 6 months ago. By talking to a professional you WILL be talking to the right person. I would even recommend group counseling. Everyone thinks they will hate it but they never do and you are among people that do understand and bonds are formed like no other. I always say the quicker you deal with this the quicker your brighter future will come. The longer you wait the longer it takes! And if you ever think someone is labeling you as a victim you correct it to survivor! Stay strong! Lynn
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Thanks for this encouraging write up. I was raped 7yrs ago and was robbed of my virginity which I worked so hard to keep. I couldn’t discuss it with my family cos that would have worsened my situation. Somehow I pulled through but they are still times I get depressed. Today am married and it hurts me whenever I remember my husbands non challant attitude when I told him. He practically told me it was my fault even though I was very innocent when it happened. Well in africa we suffer silently cos of the stigma attached to rape. I could go on and on but I just want to say thank you for feeling our pain. Thanks
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M. I’m sorry your husband didn’t give you the support that you need and deserve. I chalk it up to ignorance. But just know that you are not alone and you were able to get through it and that the rape doesn’t define you only the person that did this to you. Thanks for the kind words and remember to try not to focus on the past that can’t be changed and focus on what you do have control of which is your future. Stay strong! Lynn
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Hi, I was searching for some advice when I came across your page. I have a story, as many women do. For me, I was 17 and drugged. For a little over 10 years I never told a soul, once I started talking about it I couldn’t close that door again and had to get counselling. It’s been three tough years of on and off again recovery but I have come to terms with what happened and how it impacted and still impacts my life. The advice I am seeking has to do with telling someone you are dating what happened. Things are still fairly new but headed in a good direction. At what point do I need to inform him of the emotional and psychological scars I deal with on a daily basis?
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C. You should ALWAYS tell the person you are interested in BEFORE you have a sexual relationship started. The reason being some can and will handle it and some won’t. Don’t you want to know the ones that don’t before you give yourself to them? Trust me this was one of the best things I learned in counseling myself. I thought no way can I do that or want to but my counselor made me promise and told me as difficult as it was I won’t regret it and boy was she right. The first two guys I thought were great (one was a cop) but as soon as I told them (without details) they ran so fast you wouldn’t believe it. I was hurt BUT was so glad that I didn’t have sex with them. Then I met a guy ended up telling him the first night we met, not a date, I just happened to be upset and he approached me. We started talking and a while later I just told him not sure why i blurted it out but I did and he didn’t even flinch. Told me he has to sisters was so very empathetic and ended up asking me out. I ended up marrying him and he ended up being the best relationship I’ve ever had. I guess I realized that the rape doesn’t define who I am just something that happened to me. And I was unashamed to tell people anymore, which is why I became a counselor. The other guys that ran were more concerned with what happen to me than giving me a chance, so they didn’t deserve another minute of my time anyway. So always always before sex. If they run they aren’t worthy nor will they be supportive and empathetic. Stay strong! Lynn
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I don’t even know how to say (type)this. Has been 2wks today since I was raped. Such wierd circumstances. Feel like such an idiot. Not even sure if my husband believes me 1 day he is supportive and the next he is asking me questions I’ve already answered and frankly just can’t take it. I take sleeping pills bc w/my depression and anxiety and already have ptsd from a tragedy within family cannot sleep. That night I took my pills and didn’t seem to do anything as my girlfriend called me and wanted me to meet her and her boyfriend for a drink. Well, my husband has been under severe stress w/his job and was falling asleep everynight by 9-10pm. We have been together 7 1/2 yrs, married almost 5 and neither one of us go out for drinks unless we go together. Haven’t had many friends bc have shut everyone out due to depression/ptsd and 1 1/2 mo’s ago I met a person that we have so much in common and with her I trusted and had been an effortless friendship. So I started to meet her out maybe 1x wk for few drinks w no issues, instead of being up by myself at night. Anyway, I never had left after taking my pills prior and when I met them that night drank my usual but then did a few shots even though that is not my thing at all. After hanging with them for awhile an aquaintance of her bf was introduced to me. He was married and had 2 daughters. My friend, her bf, and I were going to go dn the street to one of their friends house. NONE of us had any idea this other guy was following us there. I remember telling him at the bar about my husband and how I usually do not go out and about how much my husband and I had been thru together and how much I loved my husband! Well, I guess once we got to the house I was out of it. I only remember stupid little things but immediately I started falling everywhere. Obv in light of the meds mixing w/alcohol and mainly the shots. Basically I don’t remember anything on. He started texting me by 6am seeing how I felt, obv gave him my number, don’t remember. He was (now I realize) fishing. He told me we slept together and how much fun it was and how he has never cheated on his wife ever. Obv I was very VERY shocked. I felt instantly guilty thinking I cheated on my husband and was so confused at how this happened. He got me in a dialogue and over next few days I basically took whatever he said as true. I was too afraid to lose my husband by telling him. This guy ultimately went from there to us talking about our families and then going immediately into compliments just in general not about that night. I told him there was no chance of me seeing him again bc I love my husband BUT (and this is the diff part)bc my husband and I were in such a bad place I actually liked the attn so texted him thru the week. There was 2-3x’s I told him to lost my number bc wld feel sick and like something was not right and he was saying things that were not making sense and then he wld I guess charm his way thru it. By Wed had made up my mind was done. Became very sick with UTI as well as strep throat and did not tell him to lose number again and for last time and bc I love my husband/family too much to risk until that Fri morn. WELL, After talking little by little to my friend who was there that night, she started to give me details on what happened and I knew something wasn’t right. Right away he tried to get close to me, follow me in the bathroom, and she pulled him back and said to leave me alone. She was sober as she was DD. She said I was falling and passing out everywhere. After awhile of being there (like he was waiting for me to get worse) he grabbed my arm and led me to bathroom. My gf says now she feels horrible bc she didn’t stop it but at time I was so lucid and out of it she didn’t know since my hubby and I were having issues if I was voluntarily going w him at first. It wasn’t until he took me to bedroom later that she knew something wasn’t right. Her bf fell asleep but not before he saw as she did in the bedroom I was STILL fully clothed. My dress, belt, tights, and boots still on. Only my tights were pulled dn. HE was completely naked. Finally she told him to get dressed and get out bc he looked as if just waiting for me to pass out again and was going to do something. I now know from her that 1st he took me in bathroom, then disappeared w me outside for about an hr, then in the bedroom. I do not remember any of that and it is driving me insane! My boots, tights were torn and covered in mud (threw everything away of course)Have bruises all over my body and don’t know which ones r from falling and which ones r from him. The hardest part is not knowing what he did to me and even how many times. My husband saw a text and that is when it came out but that was when it looked like I cheated on him, I guess in a way I did since I kept texting him. If I had known any of this and the way things were really wld have been to hospital and police pressing charges the next day. Instead HE totally manipulated my mind to think something very diff happened, obv to cover what he did. I have no family, am distancing myself from my friend bc now am really upset someone didn’t stop this. I mean I am a 36yr old wife, mother of 2 and that is not me. I am always in control of myself, always have been faithful, never even acted flirty w anyone. Hell, don’t even like when men look at me as I see it as disrespectful to my husband. I have strived to be a woman of dignity and pride and now that is just gone. I AND my husband blame me for even leaving that night bc clearly nothing wld have happened. I have answered all my husbands quest’s bc he as well has gone from thinking I cheated to knowing I was raped but 1 day he is very supportive and loving, the next asking more quest’s mostly about texts. I am so lost right now. Jesus, wish I cheated wld be so much easier. Feel so ashamed, suddenly last few days since all this has been like putting a puzzle together don’t want to leave the house. Don’t want to be around anyone but husband and kids and sometimes not even him when he pushes me away. I know this is strange situation but can honestly say I believe this guy is not a stranger to this type of behavior. He knew exactly what he was doing when he texted so early and then spinning this other story. He knew I didn’t remember anything. I hate him so much. I feel so angry with him, myself, everyone. I told my husband I wld rather be alone and deal w this on my own if he can’t do research on rape and try to support me. I am a firm believer that NO ONE deserves this no matter what the circumstances r. That night I know if I hadn’t gone, if I hadn’t taken my Ambien and then had those shots, NONE of this wld have happened. I don’t know what to do about my husband bc he is my one and only true love and I have NEVER given him a reason not to trust me EVER!! Been the complete opposite and now when I need him I don’t know, he’s not always there. I have barely eaten, have lost 7lbs in the last wk, feel sick all the time. Can’t even drink the usual drink I have at home bc feel sick. Feel maybe that was my punishment for breaking the rule of going out w/out my husband. Def not ever doing that again. Don’t even want to go to dinner as a fam. Feel the walls r closing in. Don’t know what to do. I don’t know if it is easier for my husband to quest rather than accept I was raped. Maybe he feels too helpless then I don’t know….please help. Right now I just want to run away.
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S. The first thing you need to do is take care of yourself. You need to get your head straight before you can deal with everyone else. If you tell your husband you are going to counseling to help yourself and your marriage he will respect you for it and you will be doing the best thing for you. It is very difficult for people that have never been through this to deal with it the way we wish they would, chalk it up to ignorance. That being said the only people that do understand what you are going through are survivors of rape or professionals that have been trained. You can go to your local crisis center or call rainn.org to find the nearest counselor to you. But being a mother and wife trying to function with your normal daily activities is so difficult when you are trying to cope with rape. So the best thing for you and your family is to take care of yourself. The sooner you get the proper help the quicker your road of recovery is. Trust me you can read through the posts on this site and you won’t find one person that was able to do it themselves. The last thing you and your family need is to try and forget about it because unfortunately that just won’t happen and it will start to effect everything you do in your life. Don’t let it and get the help now. Don’t let him have control over you and your family, because that is exactly what is happening. I believe you are right when you say he knew exactly what he was doing, so by you not getting help means he is staying in control. Don’t let him, this is your life and you are in control. Stop focusing on the past that can’t be changed. Just know it wasn’t your fault. Just because you left the house on meds and drank doesn’t mean you deserve to be raped. So focus on how you can help yourself for your future, stop worrying about coulda, shoulda, just move forward and take back control by helping yourself. Stay strong! Lynn
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does it ever go away ? 10 yrs on ….. and i still have really low moments…….. this is a good time for me at the moment ….. i nearly thought i had dealt with it …..until it turns out that the man is the uncle to one of my friends….. i have had to distance myself from him cause i see his face every time i look at him …..it jus brings it back ….. think part of it is i do blame myself for being so drunk …for letting him to my house…..i really can’t remember a lot as i only came round only for a short time ….and the next morning i couldn’t make sense of it ….. why was he being normal ….why were my clothes inside out …..all this jus goes round and round in my head ….when i think of that one moment i feel so sick , but why didn’t i stop it , i hate myself for this , i have left the place where it has happened several times and again i’m thinking of leaving …. it maybe in my head when i’m away but the constant reminders aren’t helping ….. i have only had one male partner and have been out gay since him ….. i do not class him as being an other
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F, the first and most important thing you need to do is stop blaming yourself and look at is as it really happened. You were raped at a very vulnerable state. You have no idea how often this happens since it just makes it easier on the rapist as well as easier to blame you (if need be) because you were drinking. If you are blaming yourself for drinking and trusting someone by letting him the house then basically you are saying that anyone that does this and gets raped is their fault. We both know that is not the case. The fact is what I said you were used at a very vulnerable state. You did nothing wrong that asked for rape. You need to forgive yourself, not him but forgive yourself! Once you do this you will feel a huge relief. I would definitely stay as far away as possible from this person even if it means distancing yourself from your friend or seeing them only on your terms where you feel safe because this is an obvious trigger that can ruin even the best of days for you. If you haven’t tried counseling I would definitely do that seeing as it is 10 years later and you are still going through this. Also try a self defense class since you know this guy is still around this will really help your sense of security. I’m glad to hear you have good days and if you try my suggestions I promise there will be more. Stay strong! Lynn
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So a couple months ago i was raped. and i didnt tell anyone for the long time and it started to control me. i didnt know what to do so i start sleeping with my light on locking all the doors and putting a bar in my sliding glass door. I finally told my grandma what happen and she told me that i should tell me parents and about a month ago i told them and now it feels like i am reliving the whole thing again and i hate it and dont know what to do. Im on pills for slepping casue i have bad anxiety and i wake up in the middle of then night crying my eyes out and then cant go back to sleep so i sleep all day in school casue i cant sleep at night. My friend that i was with when it happended doesnt believe me and isnt my friend anymore cause i blame her brother and her dad treatned to kill my mom when all of this was happening and my parents were fighting so i didnt want to tell them what happend and i kind of forgot about it till i went to another party and had an anxitey attack and it started all over again and now im going to counsling and my mom is helping me though it. I dont trust anyone anymore and the only person i talk to is my ex and he is helping me though it and its so great that he is there for me even though we arent together. im not sure what to do i feel lost and scared and depressed i need help!
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Help, you need to stick with counseling because that is the best thing for you. Things you can try for your anxiety when you are not actually in counseling is writing in a journal, especially at night about an hour before bed. This is a mental release and if you get in the habit of it it will help improve your sleep because you are getting all the thought out of your head and on paper. This might be something you want to take to counseling as well to discuss your thoughts with your counselor and it might help determine some of your triggers for your anxiety. I would also suggest trying yoga in the morning and then at night AFTER you write out all your thoughts on paper. This should also help your sleep and the better your sleep is the less anxiety you will have. Have you thought about taking a self-defense class. This is going to help your confidence level and you won’t be as scared all the time if you know how to defend yourself. But the main thing is to stay in your counseling because as much as your mother and ex want to help all they can do really is support you. The professional help needs to come from your counselor. Stay strong! Lynn
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i have never had any professional help with this , i guess this is why im here now, i thought it wud go away with time, but guess i have been kidding myself , i jus find it really hard to open up .there is more to what happened and i know deep down this is stopping me from moving on , i have visited this site so many times but was always scared to leave a message stupid i know , some of my close friends do know, and they were great but i jus don’t think they get it or how it makes me feel, especailly when this friend is around ,its not always so easy for me to make my excuses and leave but i have distanced myself as much as i can ,i don’t want to be a victim anymore , i know i need to move threw this and stop punishing myself for it , i guess this is my first step ,i just want to get threw this instead of feeling stuck in it,
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F, I’m glad to know this site has helped you and it is very brave to reach out for help. As you can see not many people can deal with it themselves and it definitely doesn’t go away. Counseling is the best answer and even though it isn’t easy it isn’t as hard as what you went through and obviously still going through. So just get the professional help you need. The longer you wait the harder and longer it takes because it does affect many aspects of your life. Its up to you how you want your future to be and you have to work at it to get there. It s great to have the support of your friends BUT you are right that they don’t know because the only people that truly understand are other rape survivors or professionals that are trained on how to help. This was the first step don’t be scared to take the second. The counselors are not going to judge you they are there to help you. And if for some reason you don’t like one, don’t give up go to a different one because if you give up you are giving up on your future and the jerk that did this to you is still in control. Don’t let that happen. Remember the rape doesn’t define who you are it only defines the person that did this as a rapist. This person doesn’t deserve to have another minute of control over you, so don’t let him. Get the help you need and deserve. Stay strong! Lynn
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i was raped on monday april 9, 2012. it was a friend who i actually had been to his house 2 times prior. He kept calling me that day an wanted to hang out with me. I said cool, after i worked out, got some food and went to his house(9pm). I talk to his mom about excercising and went to his room. How his house is set up, if your not in a close room, u cant here anything. So he was playing game and we were chatting, no big deal. Well, he had an attitude with me bc i never call an really like to come over just to talk to his mom. Well he start tugging at my workout pants and pulling them down. I told him, No B(his name), u already know were not like that, and you dont even wanna take me out(saying jokingly) Well, i didnt feel threatened at that second. But something happen and he started yaking them down and started touching my vagina.. I said stop B** and its not like that. he became very strong and agrressive where i was defenseless. As it happen i had a google earth moment and continue to tell him no B***an i couldnt move bc he gripped my hair and elbow was n my neck… It took forever an he release me an i raise up an lift my hadns and he said something to the affect of u came on to me…. An I took off in fear of my life… i can hear echoes of his family but couldnt see them, and came behind, i got in my car and pick my kid up from daycare, dropped him off at my coworkers house. I called 911, an went to hospital, where i felt raped twice.. I left early that morning an called a friend and told him. He made me feel like it was my fault, an i was suspect, and asking me why i went over there… an i was so in shocked that i couldnt speak! was it my fasult for going an hanging with someone that I looked at strickly as a friend? I know it wasnt my fault!!! So I believe my friend didnt know what to say, bc he didnt understand the situation. But to me, when I told u i was raped, u shouldve comfort me and not question me. Im a single woman, why would i have to lie about something so serious? Im not in any relationship an if i wanted to have sex it would be my choice. But dont try to take a part of without my permission!!!! i went yesterday to a counselor and start tommorrow. I cry periodically and am an emotional reck!!! I keep blaming myself and when i tell someone they have no words… DEad silence…. I refuse to let him beat me!!!!! I feel so empty inside. I was such a happy person before this! I determined at this very moment, i will be that person again even happier!!! I declare to live and happy i live through this situation!!!!!!!
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T. I’m so glad you are going to counseling and trying to keep a positive attitude by not letting this rape control you. Because if you do then your rapist is still in control of your life and he doesn’t deserve to be in control another second. I’m very proud of the way you are handling this. Just know the road to recovery isn’t easy but it isn’t as hard as what you went through and it is necessary to get your life back to being happy again. The one thing you said is that you keep blaming yourself, you need to stop blaming you and blame the person that did this to you. all you did was trust him as a friend, there is nothing wrong with that. Remember this doesn’t define you it is just something that happened to you. The only thing this defines is that you friend is a rapist. I’m sorry you had a hard time at the hospital but you did the right thing and I hope you turned him in. either way stay as far away from him as possible and stay away from the people that don’t support you. Surround yourself with people that are able to support you. Stay strong! Lynn
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