#1) Believe deep down it is not your fault, no matter what the actions were leading up to the rape, you need to know and accept there is nothing that justifies rape and you didn’t do anything to deserve it! Everyone I talk to feels guilty or ashamed in one form or another, but what you don’t understand is the person that is deserving of the guilt and shame is the person that chose to do the rape, NOT YOU! The rape was not about anything you did, it is about the attacker needing control and they are responsible for their actions NOT YOU!!!
#2) You need to try and do your best to deal with your feelings as they arise. I’ve learned that in order to feel like a survivor you face them head on. You have two options, deal with them head on or run from them. The problem is when you run, your demons become your shadow and you can never outrun your shadow, so it is best to try and deal with your emotions head on instead of trying to outrun something you can’t.
#3) The one thing I learned the hard way was that none of my loved ones reacted they way I thought they would, so I immediately was more concerned with their thoughts and actions than my own healing process. I see this almost every time when counseling a survivor. The first thing I hear is, “What is my family (often spouse/partner) going to think?” or “how are they going to react?” My typical response is, “I know you are worried about their reactions BUT aren’t you more worried about your well being for you and your family?” Before you expend your energy on controlling someone else’s feelings (when ultimately you can’t) you should take that energy to heal yourself. Because you truly need to believe that you did nothing to lead up to the rape and know in your heart it wasn’t your fault. When YOU realize it doesn’t matter what you were wearing, where you were at or what you were doing, then it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks! The bottom line is you have to take care of yourself first before you can take care of anyone else!
#4) Surround yourself with the people who support you and distance yourself (at least temporarily) from those who don’t.
#5) Find the positive in something everyday and focus on it no matter how small or stupid it is. A lot of days you will have to dig deep to find it, even if it is splurging on a dessert or watching your favorite TV show, but you must find something positive everyday to keep you going. This will also help train your brain that you can block out the negative.
#6) Remember that you can’t change the past so stop focusing on it with – shoulda, coulda, woulda – because it doesn’t matter since the past can’t be changed. If you are focusing on something you wished you would have done differently or beating yourself up with something you did, then you do not believe it wasn’t your fault, step #1. YOU MUST BELIEVE THAT IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT and until you do you have a long struggle in your recovery. Remember NOTHING JUSTIFIES RAPE!
#7) Focus on what you DO have control of and that is your future. The day I stopped letting my assaulter control my life is the day I realized I could be dead. At that moment (about 9 months later) even though I knew my assaulter took something from me, I realized he did not take my life and I wasn’t about to give him another day of MY life! He doesn’t deserve it, not one more minute! I felt this huge relief that I sat down and cried for hours. From that day on I stopped worrying about my past and what anyone else thought and focused on appreciating the life I had left. Now I’m not saying I skipped off into the sunset, but that was the day I stopped feeling sorry for myself (those emotions are allowed – for a while) and picked myself up and took a step forward instead of backwards.
#8) DO NOT turn to drugs and alcohol to mask the pain, once again you MUST FEEL IN ORDER TO HEAL. Alcohol and/or drugs are only a temporary fix and does absolutely nothing to solve the problem other than to push it deeper. You must deal with it and the more you feel and release, the more room you have to heal.
#9) DON’T rely on anyone else to heal you. You will heal as much as you put the work into it. Hopefully you will have support, but you need to know while it is OK to accept help from others, only you can heal yourself. Healing yourself through some type of professional counseling, whether group, individual or anonymously. A lot of cities offer free counseling or support groups through their local crisis centers. There are your some church groups or if you health insurance (make sure mental health is covered under your plan) use that. Some employers have EAP (employee assistance programs) that are completely anonymous even to your employer and usually offer a couple free visits. Go to rainn.org to find the closest counselor to you. There are so many resources, just make the commitment to start helping yourself and you’ll find a way!
#10) While the above suggestions are more long term, I would like to make some suggestions for baby steps that can help “right now”. My most successful suggestion is to right down your feelings at the end of the day (good or bad) whatever they are just as a release. This is good for survivors or immediate family members trying to cope as well. It is up to you whether or not you keep it, it is just a way for you to get your honest and true emotions out and not keep them deep inside you, which only fester. Warms baths are great before bed along with a good book to take me away, if even for 30 minutes. I always try to keep a book in purse, dvd at home or cd in car that I love and makes me feel good that I can immediately turn to to brighten my mood. And if you don’t have a pet, get one! Pets are amazing and offer true unconditional love BUT make sure you have the time to love and nurture your pet and you will get nothing less back!
#11) Think about taking a self defense class. After being raped your sense of security is shot and an excellent way to start to get it back is taking a self defense class. It is very empowering and a good confidence builder.
#12) Try yoga (if you don’t alreaady), it is truly amazing how it makes you feel calm and can just release the stress and anxiety. Never tried it until after my rape and I still have the same at home beginner dvds I’ve used for years, but I love them and I truly feel empowered, strong and relaxed when I’m done. They say you can heal your body through your breathing and I believe it. Tell me you don’t feel a little better after you take a few big deep breaths. Well, when you are doing yoga, not only is your body trying to align and release your stress you are holding in your body, but you are really breathing the whole time and getting oxygen to your entire body, which is not only a calming affect but helps the tightness in your muscles to release. So trust me just try it a few times, you don’t have to do it perfect (which is why I do it at my house) but I always feel better afterwards, never fails..
Dealing with Rape 
Thanks Lynn your great!
ive started taking counceling and it’s already made things so much better.
i dont feel so bad about myself anymore and i feel a lot calmer.
im also realizing i had a LOT of other deep rooted issues.
its making me feel like a better person altogether.
i know this sounds mushy and common to hear from people im sure :p
but i really mean itt. this advice helped me so much!
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I am now eighteen years old, but about 3 4 months ago. I went to a party with a really good friend of mine at the time. The party was at her boyfriends house. This is not the first time I had been over there. We used to go over there all the time and play beer pong. Well the night it happend is the first night i had ever slept there. I always felt safe there. I never stayed any place i didnt. Well Her boy friend, and the guy i was hangin out with left. So that left pretty much just us there with her boy friends dad. So we both passed out upstairs. I dont remember wat time i fell asleep. But i woke up to her boy friends dad on top of me raping me. The next day i spent hours at the hospital gettin test’s and pictures and taking all sorts of medicin so i wouldnt get any std’s, and havin shots, and havin to take the morning after pill. Wich until that day, I had always belived was wrong. I live in a small town where everybody knows everybody. I lost everyone, everybody i thought was my friend, parts of my family, my best friend of 4 years, my boy friend. I lost my sense of security. I can’t go to any public place by myself. I start crying and go into like a panic attack. I get harassed, and I have had to change my phone number like 4 times. I feel ashamed, like everybody knows what heppend, and everybody is watching me. For a long time i felt nasty like i needed to wash and douche in bleach. I’m always worried about crying in front of my mom and sister’s cause i don’t want to upset them more than what they already are. I have always cared about how i looked, and for well over a month a walked around in pajamas ans slippers. I have horrible nightmares, If its not wat happened over and over, it’s his family coming into my house at night and killing me, and my family. I started counselin but stopped going because idk i guess i have always been such a strong willed person, and it’s like i don’t want anyones help. I know its not my fault I was raped but i always think, well if my shirt was a lil less revealing, if i wouldn’t have been drinking i could have stopped it. Idk, i turned him in so nobody else would have to go through what i have gone through with this whole thing even though everyone told me to just drop it that it wasn’t worth it, and he didnt even get in trouble! Nothing, he has been accused of this before ( I didn’t know that till after the fact) And he has never been in trouble!
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B. Well you did the right thing, even though I know it doesn’t feel like it. As much as you don’t want to hear this you need to get back into counseling, you can’t do this by yourself, no one can & it sounds like you don’t have much support which is why it is even more important. If you didn’t like the counselor get another one. You can always go to rainn.org and find one that specializes in rape near you ( i hope) bit either way get back in counseling. This asshole must know someone if he isn’t getting in trouble AND you had a rape kit done & he’s been accused before. Maybe you should talk to someone different, maybe a female cop. Do you have a crisis center in your town? If you do go there and tell them what is going on. It makes me so mad when the victim actually goes to the police and then nothing is done. But make sure you take care of yourself no matter what. And you know what? Screw those people that don’t believe you, they aren’t your true friends anyway. But I do want you to stop putting your family’s feelings before yours. Yes they are upset but so are you and you need the help and support more than they do. It’s admirable that you want to be strong, so take that strength and put it towards your counseling. And asking for help or support or just a shoulder to cry or lean on is ok and will make you feel better. Until you get back into counseling write out your thoughts on paper everynight before you go to bed to get them out of your head and let your brain relax. Try some yoga or meditation, especially before bed if you can. Do you have a animal? If not get a dog or cat because they love you unconditionally and are always there for you and it sounds like you need that. I hope this helps. Stay strong but sometimes being strong is admitting you need help! Lynn
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Dear Lynn,
I am only 16 and was reccently date raped. I’m confused about everything. I have been withdrawing from society all together. I’m having a hard time getting back on my feet, even though I am recceveing help. The first person I told about the horrid event was my best friend. She told me i should emmeditly get help and that what happened to me was indeed rape. Next I entrusted my counsler with my experience and she confirmed that what happened was in fact date rape. I was too ashamed to tell my mother so my counsler did it for me. I now see a advicate who deals with sexually abused people. I am slowly making progress but im very irritable, depressed, moody, and angry; especially at myself because i feel like it is my fault no matter who tells me it’s not. I feel like i could have said no more, or i should have known the type of guy he was. I feel like an idiot for trusting my boyfriend and I feel that in someway i was asking for it because I had consented firt, before saying no. I now realize and truely believe this man was only after sexually events and i feel stupid for not realizing that. As I look back i see signs of an abusive relationship and I feel the rape is my fault becuase I didn’t realize it was an abusive relationship and I could have prevented it had I not been blinded with what I believed to be love. I dont know how to move forward in life and is what i am feeling normal?
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M. Well I hate to say it but until you start believing everyone including me that this was rape and you are not at fault then you won’t recover. The very first step to healing is knowing it wasn’t your fault. Let me put it this way. Think of yourself as a mom and the exact same thing happened to your daughter (since only you know exactly what happened) and she comes to you and tells you what you have told me. Would you blame her, NO you wouldn’t so you need to stop holding on to this blame and only then can you start the road to recovery and a future of happiness. this is what you would tell your daughter. You were young and vulnerable and he obviously knew what he was doing and took advantage of you. You are NOT to blame and I’m so sorry t his happened and lets get help. So please believe it that it’s NOT your fault. It doesn’t matter if you consented and changed your mind and it doesn’t matter how many times you said no. If you say no once and he doesn’t obey and forces himself that is rape and defines him as the bad guy NOT you. So forgive yourself for because all you did was trust that he was a good guy and he made the choice not to be not you. Forgive yourself and put the blame where it belongs on him not you. OK Please! Once you do that you can start looking at how to improve your future and put the past behind you because after all it doesn’t matter how much you dwell on the past it can never be change, so focus on what you have control over. Stay in counseling and maybe try yoga or meditation, both are guaranteed to help. Stay strong! Lynn
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I led myself into this situation. but i dont know how to deal with this, or what to even consider it. me and a friend were in a normal fast food place, just sitting down talking and enjoying our time together. it was even our first encounter alone. he starts kissing me, im nervous about this, but we were on a date. he starts moving his hands down, and thats when i stop, and say no, that is not what i want. he listens, but then he reaches for my hand and then moves it onto his…. i quickly move it away. then he says, “now youre teasing me” and i dont know what he means by this at all. i tell him that he needs to respect me. I’m 15, and im not a virgin, i lost my virginity by choice. he tells me “all those stories about you i heard, i guess theyre not true, but ill make them true, we need an alone place. here ill take our stuff. meet me in the bathroom” i live in chicago, and its winter time in january, so its cold outside possibly below zero. he took my coat, phone, money, bag, everything. so its not like i can walk outside and say hey, time to go home. so i go to the bathroom with the intentions of taking my stuff and going home. as soon as i walked in… he turned the lights off, he picked me up and somehow………………… i was crying the entire time, i had no voice in me for screams. i didn’t know how to leave or get out. he turned me over and put me on top, thats when i got up. pulled my pants back up. desperately looked for the light switch grabbed my stuff and ran out. i feel terrible. im reminded of this every day. he goes to my school and everything. i completely feel like this is my fault. i should have gotten help when he took my stuff. i could have simply told an employee or something, but i didn’t. i feel so worthless, but most of all stupid. ive told only my best friend, and all she can do is cry for me. she insists i tell someone. but i can’t. my dad’s a cop, so he owns a gun, so thats not a good idea. and my mom was raped when she was younger too, and she still cries about it. i dont want to burden her with another rape story. i simply don’t know what to do.
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V. The best thing you can do IS tell your mom, seriously talk to your mom. She will be hurt but hurting for you and she will understand in a way that only rape survivors understand. Then talk to her about whether or not you should tell your Dad. Let your mother help you. If you were a mother who had been through rape (my mom was raped too) and then it happened to your daughter wouldn’t you want her to come to you? You know you would and if she didn’t it would devastate you more than actual knowing and being able to help. Trust me on this PLEASE. I understand your father being a cop, but you actually have a step ahead any of the rest of it so use it if you can to get this creep off the streets. You know this wasn’t the first time and it probably wont be the last. Also, let me explain something about rapists to you, rape is all about control and when you don’t tell they think they have control over the situation. AND if he can roam around your school free with no one knowing, then it is VERY possible he will target you again because he has control of you. For your own safety and sanity talk to your mom or at the very least a school guidance counselor. Actually I would talk to both. Now I want you to get in the right frame of mind. First you DID NOTHING WRONG! I understand the feeling of worthless but I want you to change all those feelings to anger and get pissed that this guy did this to you. You didn’t set yourself up, you trusted that this wouldn’t happen. He set this entire thing up, if you don’t believe me read your story again. You didn’t do anything wrong other than accept a date and trusted him. Again think of this happening to your daughter, what would you say to her. You know you wouldn’t blame one thing on her and all the blame would go on him, where it belongs. So stop beating yourself up for something someone else did to you with absolutely no right or permission. Get mad and take action to take care of yourself by discussing with your mom and then you need to get into counseling because you will need it and the longer you wait the longer it will take to heal and it will have adverse reactions. Stay strong and talk to your mom, i promise you will be glad you did in the long run. Lynn
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Hi,
My name is Sara. I’m 18 years old and i am in college. I was rapped about a year ago by my ex boyfriend. today i just told my mom what happened.. at first she didnt’ believe me. She asked me why i waited so long to say anything. I told her it was becuase i didn’t think anyone would believe me. I have depression and i didn’t want everyone to think that i was just saying this to get back at him for breaking up with me and leaving me.. or that i was jealous of him and his new girlfriend and this isn’t the reason why. At first i didn’t know if it was rape. I was at his house and at first i was ok with being with him. We were broken up and i thought that this would help us be back together. I thought i loved him. but then it started not to feel right and i was balling my eyes out crying. i was telling him to stop and he never did… i left his house crying and late for work. I just i never told my therapist i didn’t know if being like ok with the sex and initiating it then saying no and him not stoping was rape. My dad doesnt’ know and i dont’ wnat my mom to tell him my sister and her know.. but idk i’m goign to see a therapist again that i was seeing. not the same one but im’ going again. i am on anti depressionants they are working kinda but i can’t sleep at night without him being in my dreams…. which hurts so much. i feel like i can’t control my own life. I just wanna be the person i was before him. i feel like i’ll never be myself again and i’ll never find someone that will love me. it is hard i just wish i cud find myself.
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S. I’m glad to hear you are going back to counseling, that is the best thing you can do and the quickest way you can find yourself. I know you said it was a new one and I hope things go well, but if for some reason you don’t like the new one don’t give up just get a new one, when you do find the right counselor it makes all the difference and well worth the look. You must tell the new counselor what happened and YES that was rape. Do you know that more than half of the rapes that occur are by someone they know? And most that happen by boyfriends whether current or an ex, same with husbands aren’t reported because they don’t think anyone will believe them? So my point is this is very common, unfortunately. The right therapist will believe you and help you. Something you can do to try and help your sleep is write a journal or just write and then throw it away if you don’t want to see it again, but write before you go to bed. It can be about anything, good or bad just use it as an exercise to get the thoughts out of your head and on paper so your mind can relax. It typically doesn’t happen overnight and you need to try and do it everyday so it becomes a habit and you teach your brain to let it go. It works, trust me. A lot of the times when you write directly about the rape I encourage you to take the notes to your counselor to help determine trigger points that you can work on with the therapist. There is always seeing a hypnotist as well who can teach you relaxation tips and how to stop a bad dream. I’ve done this and for the most part still works years later after only 3 sessions. Something to think about. Hope this helps, Stay strong! Lynn
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Lynn, first thing i wana say is i fink yu are an amazing person for finding the time to help all these people. its wierd to fink that something so cruel can inspire somefing so wonderful.
well i gess i should start with the first time, but to be honest i dont exactly kno for sure i was raped that time but i was out one night wiv a couple of friends, in an area where there had been a few rapes recently. earlier id fort id seen sumone go thru the bushes but figured it was jus shadows, later as we were leaving a police woman came up to us asking if we had seen this mann and they people i was wiv walked me to the station which was 2 stops from mine and i had been drinking but not very much and was barely tipsy. next thing i new it was 3 hours later and i was curled in a ball under the stairs at the station inbetween. i have no memory of what happened but do have reasons 2 kno that my leggings n pants ect had at some point come down and had 2 walk home. The 2nd was a guy who i had been friends with and had been seeing for a little bit but i had decieded i didnt want to be seeing him anymore. one night at mine we were at mine n he was really drunk and he tried to have sex with me, i said no and he raped me. he couldnt go home so he had 2 stay round cos i didnt wana leave him on the streets but cos i couldnt sleep all night everytime he fell asleep i hit him till he woke up cos i was so angry. for some reason, i fink partly cos i felt guilty for not wnting to go 2 the police as an attempt to try and get him to sort his life out so he wouldnt get drunk n angry n partly cos he seemed really shocked he did it aswell i stayed hangin out with him 4 a bit. then he raped me agen at mine wen he was drunk. i was covered in bruises and the guy i was seeing, who was also my best friend obviously saw and asked and i told him. he was really supportitive at the time and eventually i told the guy who did it i couldnt deal with him anymore and got him out my life. then the guy i was seein went 2 uni n wen we were talkin wen he came back he told me he didnt kno if he could deal with me cos i was a headfuck cos stuf like this happens to me. anyways im ramblin on so…
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B. Well the good news is you got the bad guy out of your life and to be honest it sounds like you don’t need your best friend in your life anymore either if that’s the way he is gonna talk to you. I really bothers me when people think we put ourselves in the position to be raped cause I can promise you there isn’t a person out there that says on any given day at any given time, ya know i think i wanna get raped today! Makes me crazy! What I do know B. is stop worrying about what others think and take care os yourself and that includes trying to help someone else by hurting yourself. YOU ARE #1, so take care of yourself first and that means you need to get into counseling as soon as possible. Call your local crisis center for guidance on free counseling or you can go to rainn.org and find the nearest counselor that specializes in rape near you. Stay Strong! Lynn
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Hi Lynn, I’m not sure what to say yet. I am 49 yrs. old, I was a single mom (daughter 23). I can’t seem to find the right man for me, I’m picky I guess. Anyhow, I suffer from anxiety and fear of dying. I was raped when I was 19 yrs. old, I was on my way to my friend’s house to a party. I never reported it and my boyfriend never really let me deal with it, so I tried to forget it. He was an abusive man and beat me up when he was drunk because he said I didn’t protect myself well enough. Also, I still had to have sex with him. Anyhow, we broke up when I was 21 yrs. old. Afterwards, I dated a man 10 yrs older than I who actually treated me nice. We had a child and were together for 10 yrs. Anyhow, I live alone now, have an alarm system and a gun. I am scared to be out alone sometimes and if I hear noises in my house I lose sleep. I have dreams at times that someone tries to hurt me and I kill them. I know this is part of my past and a way of me feeling I am in control. My older sister was raped when she was 12 yrs old so of course I couldn’t tell my family what happened to me. Today I finally told my sister what happened and she suggested counseling. I think I have gone thru life ok, but I do realize my past has affected my future. My fear of death can be a part of it. I am terrified to fly but did and cried all the way up and all the way down. I know it’s fear of not being in control. I still feel stupid, shame or embarressed altho I know it wasn’t my fault. I don’t know what to say if I go to counseling. What is really the cause of my anxiety. I developed high blood pressure 3 yrs ago and get paranoid when I think its high. At first my doctor wanted to give me anxiety meds because she said I had anxiety which was causing my blood pressure to rise. Now I really have high BP, so I am on BP meds. I didn’t want to walk around zombied out. Also, I won’t date anyone who I consider a stranger. I have to know them thru someone else,or work. I also like to date Policemen, I guess I feel protected. Most of the TV shows are police shows etc..I want to be at peace with myself and stop having anxiety. I don’t have it often anymore, but I realize I never dealt with the past. Last year my ex passed away and i had so many mixed emotions. My friends we saying all the good things and times they remembered when I just remember the black eyes and the dent he left on my nose. I went to the funeral but didn’t shed a tear. He died as a result of alcoholism. Do you think I need therapy? Is it too late? I’ve tried Yoga, but the class ended and my work schedule wouldn’t allow for it.
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S. It is NEVER too late for counseling and until you do you will continue to be haunted. That is basically in a nutshell what you are describing, and understandably so since you’ve gone all this time without it. You say you think you are ok BUT it doesn’t sound to me like it & it seems that whatever you have done all this time has not worked. Everyone that goes through rape needs counseling, everyone. So please call your local crisis center, or go through your health insurance or to rainn.org and start as soon as you can and take care of yourself. I want you to make you a priority and put yourself first. And if you liked yoga go buy a mat and a $10 dvd and do it at home at your convenience. I’ve never been to a class, always do it at home. Also, as far as not knowing what to say to your counselor, try this.. Every night before you go to bed write out your thoughts, and keep paper and pen by your bed in case you wake up in the middle of the night or want to document nightmares. Do this every night and it doesn’t matter what you write just empty your mind onto paper and then try and get a good nights sleep. Then before you go to your first counseling review what you wrote and highlight anything that you might want to discuss with the counselor. If there isn’t anything this time, keep writing every night & I promise you there will be and I promise you it will help you sleep better & the more quality sleep the less anxiety and hopefully will help your HBP. Stay strong! Lynn
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Hi,
I’ll be 17 in a week. In about 2 months, it’ll be 2 years since I was raped by a man I don’t know. I wasn’t sure if it was rape back then, because I had alcohol in the club earlier that night, and had kissed this randomer before he dragged me off when I tried to go home. But it was my first time so it got me really confused. But I didn’t want it to happen, kicked and screamed, and have accepted it was rape. Since that night, everything in my life has gone downhill. I can never forget about it, any time someone mentions the word rape, or on tv it just brings it all back. Another hard thing is that I didn’t tell my mum because I was so scared she’d be really worried and disappointed in me, but it came out almost a year later and she didn’t believe me. She thought i’d made it up for attention and we’ve never talked about it. I’ve been to counsellors and talked to teachers in school, and still I don’t mention the rape as a cause for me getting myself into this extreme state of depression, it’s too hard to say. I think one of the main reasons is incase they think I’m lying too. But not a day goes by I don’t think about it. I really don’t know what to do anymore.
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B. I’m so sorry your mom doesn’t believe you but i do. You said you’ve been to counselors, you need to pick one you liked and go back and tell them. The counselor will understand and be able to help. That is the only way you are gonna get out of the depression is to open up to someone that believes you and can help you. This is not an option if you want your life to improve. If you don’t feel comfortable with anyone that you’ve already seen, find a new one. You can also try to go to rainn.org and see if there is a counselor that specializes in rape near you. In the meantime, start writing out your feelings, try doing this every time you get triggered to these bad feelings. Then take them to the counselor and let them read it, maybe that is a way to get started since you feel you can’t say it. Then if you have a close friend that you know will keep your confidence, confide in them BUT let them know that you don’t expect them to heal you, that you are working on that yourself. All you would like them to do is be there when you need a hug, shoulder to cry on or to listen when you are ready. That way you will have someone you can turn to 24/7 for support. We have to face our demons head on in order to put them behind us. It’s not easy but it is soooo worth it. Stay strong! Lynn
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I need help, but this help is not really for me, it’s for my girlfriend. I have been with her for 8 months and she has told me that she has been raped. When I first met her I had no idea (She acted normal like any other girl, there were no symptoms that would’ve led me to suspect) but in our 2 months together she decided to open up with me and tell me what happened. I don’t know if you can fully love someone after 2 months, but I feel I did. And when I heard her tell me these things, it really broke my heart, I didnt know how to react. I got angry that night, but I cared for her more and I didnt show her that I was frustrated. I realised it was a sensitive topic, so I would only talk to her about it if she brought it up. It wasn’t brought up often and we got seperated after 3 months. We kept a long distance relationship. Into the 7 month she started telling/confessing to me she had nightmares and flashbacks. It’s been 2 years since the incident. I’m trying everything I can to help her, I hardly get sleep because I’m looking for answers on the internet. My search for answers led me to this site and I can see from you’re responses on comments that you can possibly help me with her. I’ve suggested for her to go through therapy, but she refuses. I’m the first and only one she has trusted with this information and she has a hard time talking about it even to me. She won’t go to her mother and I don’t blame her (I won’t get into that, I’ll just say her mother doesn’t support her like a mother should.) and she won’t go to her father cause he wasn’t there while she was growing up. My question is: How do I help her as her boyfriend? She refuses to even see a doctor unless she has to. We’re far apart (In different states) so I can’t go with her into those group sessions. I tried offering her hotlines that are anonymous, but she got angry with me and asked me to stop. This is tearing me apart, because I do love her. But I feel like I can’t do anything to help.
I don’t want to explain what happened to her, but I know it wasn’t her fault. She still does blame herself. I’m still trying to convince her otherwise.
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G. thanks for caring about her so much and stepping up trying to help and support her, that is WONDERFUL. That being said, you can’t make her help herself, she has to be ready. And you need to know that as much as you want to help, the only thing you can really do is support her through listening & being her rock. You could go to counseling though for yourself to help you learn to cope better AND maybe if she knows you went, she might go to, maybe. Either way, I would tell her about this website. Tell her you found it trying to find ways to help her, that it is completely anonymous and ask her to check it out, or just send her the link so she doesn’t have to talk to you, I guarantee she will look at it. The purpose of this is two folds, #1) so she will understand by reading the posts that she will learn that NOT one post in over 1,000 has been able to deal with it on their own, no matter how hard or how long they tried, not a one. Hopefully this will help her realize that all rape victims need professional help. #2) that she can hopefully find ways to help her cope and eventually get her to want to go to counseling. I can promise you the longer she waits the longer it takes to recover. and just maybe she will realize she is not alone and it wasn’t her fault. A way you might be able to get through to her to get her to believe it wasn’t her fault through this scenario; ask her if she was a parent and her daughter (God forbid) went through exactly whatever she went through, would she think her daughter was at fault? Mind you we are obviously not talking about her mom, but how she would feel about her own daughter. I guarantee she would say “No” her daughter was not at fault. Sometimes this is all it takes to get the victim to beleive. Hope this helps and good luck! Stay strong! Lynn
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Thanks Lynn, i appriciate that you have this website to help people in situations similar to mine. Having a specalist tell you that what happened to you wasnt your fault helps a lot!
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I was raped last night, well I’m having doubts whether it’s considered rape. After a party I went back to my one of my guy bestfriends house. We used to have a little thing and he still likes me, but he knows I just want to be friends and he knows the situation. I was half asleep on his bed, nearly passed out and really out of it. He laid on me and starting kissing me, I didn’t know if I was dreaming or not at first i was still out of it and every now and then sort of felt him kissing me but I didn’t register it being all dead like drunk, I wasn’t kissing him back though I was just lying there, still half asleep it wasn’t untill he started to do more that i realised what was happening i just started tossing and turning away from him to get him to stop or get the hint or go away, but he kept going and going. The worst bit is that I trusted him, he was my bestfriend that whole year, one of the only people i felt i connected with truly and who really understood me, and now I don’t know what to believe. It seems real or fake that he was my friend, I don’t want anyone to touch me or look at me and I just feel dirty. I want to cover up my body, I already had issues with the concept of sex and now this just makes it worse, I don’t know what to do because normally I would turn to him, I have depression and anxiety already and have felt really really down at times but how i feel now is a whole new level I didn’t even know existed, I feel shut out from the world and like nothing is real. I feel alone. I always talk to my boyfriend about stuff, and we broke up 2 days ago, and my friends seem to busy. I just don’t want to feel like this.
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P. Just to confirm sex that is not consensual is rape. That being said, this guy is not your best friend and you need to get away and stay away from him. I don’t care if he was drunk too or whatever, this was rape and if he did it once he can and probably will do it again. You do and should get counseling because of the way this has affected you and how you are feeling. I would also highly recommend that you take a self defense class, to help restore your sense of security. I’m so very sorry that the person you thought was your best friend did this to you and you feel you have no where to turn. That is why you definitely need counseling. Go to rainn.org and find the nearest counselor to you. Whether or not this guy meant to intentionally hurt you, stay away from him, please. Because this proves he can do anything and can not make good judgment calls. Take care of yourself but KNOW this wasn’t your fault! All you did was trust him and that shows a good quality in you. It doesn’t define you only him, remember that. Stay strong! Lynn
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Hello Lynn;
My name is M.
I’m 14 years old.. i’m turning 15, April 1st.
Well, In the summer and fall of 2009 I was raped.. twice.
On July 27th and September 8 it’s gonna be two years.
I went to a party, it was my cousin’s and we had been drinking and all that. Well, I remembered my neighbor, he was about 29, 30, or 31years old.. he followed us to the party. I remember dancing and him coming up and hitting me. since I was drunk, it knocked me out.. I woke up to him ryping my hymen. I remember he held me down so hard I had bruises on my wrist and on my thighs where he bared down on them with his knee’s.. long story short about the first time; I have scar’s on my thigh’s.. where his finger nails kept digging and ripping into my skin.. for like 45 minuts my thighs where bleeding terribly and now I have alot of scars on them.. i’m so selfconcious.. the second time, took place in South Carolina; my mother had moved there with my baby brother Noah ( at the time was 8months.) and My older brother Jacob(was 16).. I had made a friend names Justin, he was like 15 at the time. And One day he texted me and told me to come over.. well I went. He wasn’t there. His grandfather took his phone.. he was in the shower. His grandfather said some stuff that isn’t need to be said; long story short. He also raped me. Justin came out the shower after… and beat his grandfather to a bloody pulse. 3 weeks later. The guy named Jason; got my mother pregnant.. with my now alost 1 year old brother Gabriel. Jason was a pill popper.. he malested me. He threatend to kill my brother Noah if I didn’t let him. I was 13 so of course I believed him sorta..
Long story short; I told my mother. She said I was a stupidass whore.
I told my bestfriend named Olivia she’s also turning 15 this year, she believes me. & I told my cousin Peyton who is turning 18 this year. She aswell believed me.. I have terrible nightmares.
I can never sleep one night without hearing the first guy’s coice, or feeling the pain he caused.. I still hear the music being played, and I see him everywhere I go.. (mentally). it’s not stopping.. Am I going insane? I have a boyfriend of almost 3 months now, who I am not sexual with, but this expierience made me bi.. and my girlfriend is my bestfriend Olivia.. I can’t help it.. my question to you is.. if these flashbacks don’t stop.. do I need to like go to a crazy house? Please help me…
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M. You are so young and vulnerable that these people have so taken advantage of you. First know that none of this is your fault and it doesn’t define you as a person, only the horrible people that did this to you. I need you to understand that what you have been through at such an early age is going to leave a very negative impression IF you don’t get the professional help you need. I also really want you to be careful with your actions with Olivia. I understand turning against men for sex BUT you shouldn’t be having sex at all at your age (or drinking for that matter) and especially since all this has happened. I’m not judging just trying to help. I would obstain from sex until you deal with this on a professional level and really determine what is right for you in the future. Because I promise what you think now will change once you get the help you need and I don’t want you to be looking back and having regrets on the choice you are making now when you are clearly going through such a difficult time. I hope you understand that I am looking out for your future in the long run. You are in such a vulnerable state that I don’t want anyone taking advantage of you, especially if you don’t see it right now. I know Olivia is your friend and you trust her because she believes you BUT if she is truly your friend then she will understand that sex is not necessary right now, especially understanding the seriousness of what you’ve been through. So go to either a school counselor, or your local crisis center or rainn.org and get the professional help that you deserve. Something else you can do is every time you are triggered by something, write it down, get it out of your head and onto paper, so your brain can have a rest. If you start doing this it will help you sleep better and help with the anxiety. You can also take this info to the counselor to help them understand exactly how you are feeling and what is triggering you and then they can help with those specific triggers. If your mom is still with this Jason guy, I would also go to a family member that you can trust and let them know what happened with him so they can protect you from this guy. And ask them to help you get to counseling. I would also recommend taking a self defense class if you can. Stay strong and take care of yourself. Lynn
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Hello everyone…
As Im reading many of your post Im shocked to see some of you to be so young. I was raped a year ago and Im now just dealing with it. I’m now 23. I thought I could deal with everything by myself. BOY WAS I WRONG!!!!!!!! I was raped by a marine and was to scared to tell anyone including my brother that was my rapist friend at the time. I finally came out and told my boyfriends mom and she has been amazing. I just started counseling today so hopefully it will help. I just want my life back and I don’t want to feel numb anymore. I want to be able to stop crying. I finally was able to tell my boyfriend and he has been very supportive. For me when I first told my boyfriends mom it made it real (now). Like I couldn’t hide it anymore. Yea it did cross my mind here and there but I thought I could handle everything on my own. I want my life back and I will get it back. We will all get our lives back.
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Hie Lynn! well i was raped 15years ago, when I was a kid and nothing was done about it and I told my other after 3 years thats 12 years ago and she took me to a hospital for tests. My abuser was a neighbour so she did not report it because I come froma conservative culture, I had to deal with it alone and I never talked about it up until last year. When I opened up to my boyfriend he also told me to just forget the past, but I cant. I am now ready to deal with it because if i keep piling the pain I will burst one day! I just thought, I could talk to someone.
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I honestly don’t know what to even say. Writing it out on a anonoymous website is even harder. I know that in time I will be okay but,I wake up in sweats and my heart racing prob every two to three days. It’s been a year and a few months since my inccident from my family member and counseling is really hard for me to get when I don’t have insurance. I do surround myself with good influences and I do pick out many positive things to try to help me out but I feel more alone more suicidal than anything. My whole situation is going great from someones persceptive and I agree I have a good job helping me pay off things and I’m going to college. I had a very difficult childhood, that many probaly couldn’t understand and making it to this point in my life is an achievement I’m just so confused at the fact that I’m not seeing this. I just have so many nightmares and flashbacks that my everday function is not working properly. My family and friends tell me why I’m so distant and distracted I can’t pay attention I have the attention span of a fish. I already dealt with my childhood growing up so I was already dealing with that stuff and now I guess my head got way worse I just want to be normal again able to function. I’m 19yrs old and I feel like I lived more strife than most people.How can I change?
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DD, Have you tried a local crisis center for counseling, they usually work with you on a sliding scale or sometimes even free counseling. Or even try go to rainn.org and see how they can help. You stated you have a good job, does it offer an EAP plan (employee assistance plan) which offers free counseling for so many visits, so check to see about that too. It sounds like you are a very strong person to get through what you’ve been through, so don’t give up on yourself. When you go make a list of the goal you want to achieve so your counselor and you have direction. If you have a bad day write it out and take it to your counselor to discuss, this will help determine your trigger points and learn how to deal with them. You know you are ready to talk to someone if you came here. Also, know you are not alone as you can see by all these posts. So stay strong and get the help you need. Lynn
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hi lynn,
well how do i start. I am a 28 year old woman with a husband and children and am having a hard time conecting with my husband the man that i greatly love yet at the same time i with drawl from. You see when i was 6 years old i was raped by a neighbor that both my parents and I trusted. i have never spoke a word of the rape to anyone not even my parents until i got into high school when i told a friend. until this day my parents still don”t know what happened. The reason that am saying this is because know that i have a man that tuly loves me i have such mixed emotions about why i can’t truly put my trust in him, and it has ceated a huge problem between us that might end in divorce. i sometimes wonder if my mistrust in men has to do with the fact that i never seeked professinal help and have never spoke of what happened that day to anyone. what can i do? how can i fix it? am i really that mest up inside and just never reaized it till know. i have always thought that i had that part of my life under control until know that i find myself so confused and unable to let my feeling show to anyone not even my husband. i need some advice please help. i need guidance. thanks!
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H. You need to get counseling asap. try rainn.org or if you have health insurance find a counselor through that, but just go. Of course this is going to effect you with your male relationships because it happened at such a young and vulnerable age. I always say the longer you take to get help the longer it takes to heal so unfortunately you have a long road ahead of you BUT I promise it will be worth it AND they will be able to help save your marriage to so it’s a win win for you. It won’t be easy but it will be worth it. Just remember we are not wired on how to deal with rape when we are put on this earth, which is why you need professional help. Stay strong! Lynn
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Short run down is that I was raped daily by my half brother for over 4 years.(11 yrs old – 15) School authorities found out and CPS was called in. My brother pled guilty (luckily). I was forced into counseling with a woman therapist when I wanted a male. After 3 months of staring at the walls I quit going. That was 18 years ago. He has since been released and the lovely parole board put him in my backyard. I started flashing again but there are NO EMOTIONS whatsoever when I do. I’m totally disconnected. I write the flashes down in the hopes of stopping them but it doesn’t work. Why are there no emotions when I flash but I will start crying for no reason at other times?? There is a part of me that says that until I have an emotional connection, the hundreds of flashes are not going to stop. But at the same time I am TERRIFIED of feeling during the flashes for fear of loosing control and being a blubbering mess! I am not supposed to cry. I’m an adult. I didn’t cry then so what right do I have to cry now?I am so confused
. In some of the flashes it seems like I’m watching this from the other side of the room. How can that be? I mean I couldnt be in two places at once! Since he is out of prison I want to confront him so badly and make him answer the 50 million questions I have but…. I don’t know maybe I should just shove it back into the deep dark closet that it has lived in for the past 18 years since everyone says you can’t talk to a male therapist about “SA’s”. I should be over it anyway after this length of time. Right?? I’m sorry that this message is so disjointed and erratic, it seems to mirror my thoughts right now.
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Confused and disconnected, to answer your question you are only over it when you learn how to deal with it as it unfortunately will always be with you. You can go to any counselor that you feel comfortable with, that is your choice. And I suggest not confronting him because you are not going to get the answer you want because there is no excuse for rape. There is nothing he can say to justify it so why try. What I can tell you is that rape is not about the victim it is about control and the longer you go without professional help he is still controlling you. What you need to do is get sick and tired of this controlling you and take the steps to stop it and get your life back. Write down what you want to achieve through counseling so you have a starting point and so that you have something to work towards and you will feel like you are working towards your own personal goals. And if you need to move to get away from this guy, do it. I know it’s a big ordeal but your mental health is more important than where you live. Stay strong! Lynn
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hi, so i heard a quote on the tv show intervention a week or so ago and its stuck with me, “secrets make you sick”. and this has really helped me look at all the destructional behavior I have done over the last few months since ‘it’ happened. I don’t like to call ‘it’ rape because it makes it real and I can’t live in my denial world anymore. plus the whole not knowing if it counts as rape or not. So here’s my story.
So this all really started when I was 16. I got a bf who i had been crushing on for literally years. He was great, polite, did and said all the right things but he just was very sex obsessed ( I do not by any means count this as rape I just trace back the start of my problems of self control here). He would always try and touch me even when it was inappropriate, like in front of my siblings but under a blanket. The few times we had sleepovers I would wake up with his hands in my pants touching me or my bra being off which I wouldn’t have taken off. If i was drunk or hammered I would be literally passing out and he would still do things to me or make me do things to him. but i never blamed him or saw it as wrong because he was my first boyfriend, and i loved him. Only a week after this relationship ended my parents informed us of them getting a divorce. Then the night my dad actually moved out I went to a party to you know forget the stress of my family. I got hammered. There was this guy there, I could kinda tell he liked me but I wasn’t really into him so I wasn’t really having it. But I do remember him saying to me your soo hammered and like telling me how drunk I was. Anywho I ended up passing out on the couch and he decides to come lay next to me. This part I can barely remember but he starts making out with me and drunken me went along with it. But then he starts going into my pants and I must have passed out somewhere in the middle of this because a friend of mine pulled him off of me and I was out cold. She even continued to yell at him and I didn’t even wake up. This again just added to my feeling of no self control over my body. For a few years nothing bad like that happened again, I dated this guy who was my best friend and lover. I can safely say he was everything to me. Even though he would drive me nuts sometimes, he was the best I ever had. Two weeks after we broke up I was at a bar. I was trying my best to get over him, because he had gotten over me so fast. As I was looking for my friends after going to the bathroom this guys says to me, “you look lost” and I say no no im just looking for my friends, and he made a joke like sure sure. So drunk me when I found my friends brought them over to be like see I have friends. Then we talked a bit more and I was thinking yay maybe this guy could be something. So I learned his name and how old he was. He also smoked. He bought me some shots and thats when I blank. I drink quite a bit and I know I can drink more than I had that night before blacking out. But i did. Next thing I know I’m in a bed, but no actual visual I have no idea what the room looks like or who is in the room with me. A guy is taking off my pants. I don’t know if i said this or just thought it but it was a definite NO. Next memory I have is of him entering me. Next he’s doing anal. and I’m crying and this time I know for sure I’m saying please stop out loud. Next memory I have is of me being outside. I have no idea where I am and I am crying, I dont even have a jacket and my underwear is in my pocket. I tried calling my ex bf but I couldn’t dial his number (I had deleted it because of the breakup) but I couldn’t even dial. Then apparently 45min later I managed to call the taxi and i got home. I don’t know how I figured out where I was or how I was suddenly able to dial. This by the way was at like 4 or 5 am. This is when my life fell apart. I was so mad at myself for being that drunk, for falling into that trap so stupidly. To make matters worse I think it happened again with a guy I was kinda seeing I was really hammered (so hammered I fell on my face and bruised it, and drunkenly peed myself(just so you know how drunk I was….i was really embarrassed)) and the guy i was seeing SOBERLY had sex with me without a condom – he told me this 3 days after the fact. I have no recollection of this. I don’t know if it counts but its that same feeling. That feeling of anger and helplessness all at the same time. I have told a few people of this now that the second incident has happened, but I lost my 2 best friends just before these incidents and I pushed them both farther away when this happened and I don’t know why. I feel like I’m just making everything worse all the time and I don’t know how to fix myself. I’ve pushed everybody that I cared about away when I needed them the most. But reading your steps/advice actually did help me.
I feel like this is eating me up inside and the more I talk about it the little more I feel better. When I realize people believe me and don’t think I was just a stupid drunk that helps me believe myself.
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M. If you feel better to talk about it then get into counseling. You can go to rainn.org to find a counselor nearest you. I also think you are trying to drown your sorrows and it sounds like it has never worked so take that into consideration because it is making your situation worse definitely not better. That being said you aren’t the only one that does that but you do realize it’s not helping so that is a good step in the right direction. I wouldnn’t worry about your friends right now until you get your head straight. Once you do then you can decide how and if you want to deal with them but you need to take care of yourself first. Stay strong! Lynn
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I need to know if I was raped. It sounds weird but I don’t know what to do or if I was even raped. I am not a virgin. A few days ago I was hanging out with an old friend and then he laid on top of me. At first I was like ha ha get off of me. We were the only two in the house. He pulled my shorts and panty’s off. I did not want to have sex and I did not want to have sex with him. I said no. I was even biting him. I’m 5’4 and only 115 pounds and he’s 6’2 and roughly 200 pounds. He was gentle but I still did not want it or him. No scars or bruising were left although I’m very sore (my neck, my lower back, and my thighs hurt). I cannot tell my family and I do not want to tell my friends. If it is rape it means I am a victim and that I have been victimized… I do not think I could live with that. I told my boyfriend and he does not believe me. My boyfriend was still kind of supportive but I know he does not believe me. I do not know what to do.
This happened two days ago and besides going to my Obgyn to get checked.
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T. Sorry for the delay, as I was on vacation. I’m sorry to tell you but this was definitely rape. Any time someone does this against your will (you said no and bite him) this is rape. You need to get checked (if you haven’t already) and you need to get counseling because it is hard to deal with. Just no that it is not your fault and it doesn’t define you, only the person that did this to you. If you don’t report him please make sure that you stay far away from him. You can’t worry about what your boyfriend thinks, we can’t control what other people think. You know what happened and thats all that matters. He is either going to support you or not and if he doesn’t then is that someone you really want to be with anyway? I know I wouldn’t. Go to rainn.org to find a counselor nearest you or even try a local crisis center if you have one, just take care of yourself. If for some reason you know you will run into this guy again and you didn’t don’t press charges then at the very least take a self defense class. Stay strong! Lynn
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I was raped last year by somebody who i had mistaken as a new friend. It’s going to court and sitting in the police station for 9 hours the day after it happened destroyed me having to write statement after statement in detail of the event that took place. I turned to drugs and alcohol and became really bad on them for about 6 months. I never really gave myself time to heal from it. I never broke down and just cried on somebodys shoulder after it like i think i needed and now i find myself thinking about it which lead me to google dealing with rape and i found this website. I’m still not ok, although i am now clean. I’m on 16. I blamed myself for a long time, that maybe i had brought it on myself and i know that’s not right. I just want to forget about it, but in the back of my head i know the court case is coming up eventually and i’m scared to death there won’t be enough evidence and he will be let free. I just want to be happy. Being a teenager in a small town also didnt help, news goes around fast and alot of people throw their opinions in your face, which hurt so much more. But i am thankful for the few friends i have and the family i have who have stuck by me. I really do recommend getting help and talking to somebody about it because the way i turned to drugs and shut myself out from the world has only made the feeling progress harder, it helps take your mind from the pain for a little while, but once you get sober it all smacks you in the face.. I hope nobody ever has to go through what i have gone through especially at such a young age. I still don’t know how to handle myself..
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M. You are stronger than you think and I can tell you have a good head on your shoulders. I know you turned to drugs and alcohol BUT it really wasn’t that long and you were able to get clean instead of going along the wrong path for years like a lot of people. Another reason I know you are strong is because you know it’s not your fault. I don’t think you realize how many people go through life and can’t shake that feeling and you have done it. I hope you have been getting counseling because you still need this. The police should have given you counseling too but if not go to rainn.org and see if there is someone near you. If not do you have a counselor at school or church? If you have a local crisis center that is an excellent place to go. You need this especially to help you get through your court dates. In the meantime, something you can do at home is start a journal. If you have problems sleeping try journaling about an hour before bed just as a release of all your thoughts and emotions. You can write anything good or bad but especially when you are thinking about it a lot. Just get it out of your head on paper. You don’t even have to keep it, just release that bad energy. Just remember you are a strong girl, and as much as all of this is so hard, the more you deal with it the more you will heal and it will be worth it. Just keep handling it the right way as you have been. Stay strong! Lynn
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On saturday night i was very drunk. The bar man from a local pub gave me a lift home, the next thing i woke next morning naked in my bed. The first memory that came into my head was that we had had sex, i was terrified by this as im not on the pill so rang him at the pub to ask what had happend. He said we had just kissed, id gone upstairs been sick and then got undressed and gone to bed(he admitted helping me undress). Im so confused as to what went on, i have these few cloudy memories but they seem so real but i also would really like to believe his version of being a gentelman. What do i do? There was no violence but i was so drunk and sleepy, did i agree to this or not? I just dont know!
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L. Well you said “memory” not thought, therefore that leads me to believe he did have sex with you. If you meant the first “thought” you had was did you have sex then it is a gray area. If you had even the slightest memory of what happened, then it probably did. Were you sore at all, or any other signs of sex, like stickyness or wetness? These are things I’d try to remember. Either way I don’t think you should see this guy again especially if you are not sure. Because you’re asking me if you agreed to it or not and he’s saying he just kissed you, there are a lot of red flags here so don’t ignore them. If you think you have been please seek counseling. Stay strong! Lynn
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thankyou lynn, its just a little more difficult than it seems obviously. it still hurts, and i was seeing a pychologist for other reasons before it happened, stopped seeing them after this incident happened, i just couldnt stand the thought of telling another person what had happened.. it really hurts me still, deep, i just dont know what to do anymore, i just eh cant do it.
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M. You have a choice, you can either go back to counseling (if you don’t like the one you were seeing find another or go to rainn.org) or you can continue to feel helpless the rest of your life. Look at it this way, they are both hard but one will get better and one won’t, which one do you want? If it is hard write out everything and take what you have written just to start things until you feel like you can talk about it, but just don’t give up because you are worth it and I promise you it won’t get better without the proper help from a professional. Stay strong! Lynn
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I was not actually raped, but I need help and can not think of any other way to get it. Last night, I was at my best friends house and we got really drunk. I made out with my best friend and my other friend that was there, and then one of them fingered me. I feel so ashamed and guilty. I keep thinking that I wasn’t drunk enough for it to be completely not my fault. I remember everything that happened, so doesn’t that mean that I was sober enough not to do anything? My friends made me promise not to tell anyone but I need to talk to someone. I can’t talk to my parents either because I am only 14 so they would be so mad at me for drinking, as well as doing sexual things. I am so confused and scared. I feel like I never want to talk or look at either one of them again because it just brings back the memories all over again. I can’t talk to my friends either, because they are not nearly as shaken up about this as I am. I don’t know what to do.
p.s. I don’t mean to be disrespectful about this either. I know that what happened to me was not nearly as bad as what happened to a lot of people on this website, I just couldn’t think of what to google search that was closer to my situation.
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S. It’s ok that you came here for help, it’s not being disrespectful. This is a grey area because you and your friends are at the age (albeit early) sexual experimenting and it sounds like maybe your other friends are a little more advanced than you. Here is the question (there is no right or wrong answer), did you say no or do anything to let them know you didn’t want this to happen. If you did and they continued against your will then I would stay as far away from them as possible and might even go to your guidance counselor at school since you feel you can’t talk to your parents. If you went along with it and didn’t give them a signal and came to regret it the next morning, then unfortunately you can’t hold it against them because they can’t read your mind and you have to blame it on the alcohol. This also means you know what you don’t like sexually and more importantly try not to put yourself in that situation again, meaning don’t drink. I am not passing judgment nor am I saying you brought this on, I’m simply saying something happened to you that you know you don’t want to happen again so be aware and don’t let it. If that means telling your friends you thought you’d be ok but you’re not and need space then do it. Obviously if they forced you, you need to stay away and make sure you talk to someone, at the very least your guidance counselor so there aren’t any incidents at school. Stay strong! Lynn
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1st of all,
I want to thankyou for putting this website up.
When I was 6 years old, my older friend Harley, who was in the age range of 9-12, was sleeping over, we were always playing “mommy and daddy”, and one night it went to far. At first I was like, okay, but then I was like: No. No, I dont want this, but she still went to far. I know that it started with my consent, but it did not turn out that way. I am 12 years old now, i’m depressed, and I need to confront this. In third grade my friend told my guidance counselor, who told my parents. I don’t know if they remember, we never talk about it. But I need to know if this was really rape or if this was just blown out of porportion? please respond A.S.A.P. thankyou so much
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K. Anytime you are saying no and still forced to do a sexual act it is considered sexual assault or rape. This has obviously affected you and you need to talk to someone about it. I would start with your parents because they already know and you can tell them that you are feeling depressed because of it and need someone to talk to. If you don’t feel comfortable talking to them right now go to your guidance counselor now and talk to them and ask for help. This is not blown out of proportion if a sexual act was committed against your will even if you were initially playing the game, you never intended on it going that far and when you said no he didn’t stop. You were young and vulnerable and trusted this kid but he took it too far. You need to talk to someone about what happened and how it has affected your life. But whatever you do don’t give up on seeking help. Hopefully your parents will help, if not then go to your guidance counselor just don’t brush it under the rug and don’t let anyone else do it either. You can and will get through this with the proper help. Stay strong! Lynn
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I was raped forty years ago and thirty six years ago. I thought it was my fault. I thought I had brought it on. I didn’t fight. I knew the guys who raped me. I buried the memory of it all these years. I was ashamed. I have been a successful professional and mother. Raised to fine sons. I have been addicted to cocaine and alcohol. It is only now that I am dealing with my rapes in order to cure my addictions. Don’t wait forty years.
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I said no to them, over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. I said please no, God no, don’t, I c.ried….while I was saying no…I am having flash backs. I am older now, now I would have fought like a tiger, I wouldn’t have been ashamed they would have left bruised and bloodied. If they had wanted violence I would have given them violence, I would not have been a victim.
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C. It wasn’t your fault and I hope you truly do understand that. I’m sorry you waited 40 years but I’m glad you came here to tell your story to help others. Now it is your time to deal and put all that anger where it belongs, on them, not you. Release yourself from their control. They don’t deserve another minute of your life. You are strong now and you will make it, I can tell. Release them and forgive yourself for not knowing how until now. Because today is the first day of the rest of your life and they are no longer in it! Try professional help if you are ready, it’s not easy but it is worth it. Honestly, I think you are ready. Stay strong! Lynn
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Hi I am gay and I will with 3 other people. I am 19, one is 18, the other is 24 and the last one is 38. The other night we all got drunk and the 38 yo came into my room and tried to rape me. He stuck it in and it 2 pumps before I was able to get away. The 24 yo is my best friend and he is also really good friends with the 38 yo. I want to tell him but I know there will be drama and it will wreck the whole house. I also have things running though my mind like, they wont believe me, what if I get kicked out I have no where else to go. He also sent me a message saying that he wont believe me and he will come out on top anyways. I am just so angry I hate him and I have so much anger towards him. I am scared of him. And I dont like lying to my best friend. I am just so confused and I need some help with what I am ment to do here.
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R. Number one thing you must do is take care of yourself first. It really doesn’t matter what other people think or do, if you are in danger. Let me tell you from my experience what happens in these situations. First of all rape is about control, not you but control. Guess what’s gonna happen if you don’t say anything? He is going to know he has control over you and the situation and he will either do it again or control your life as far as what to say or do to and with your friends. Is that what you want? I don’t think so. So if your best friend is truly your best friend then tell him. Just remember you can’t control what other people do or think, only yourself. I hate to say it but when this happens is when we truly find out who our best friends are, period. Sometimes it’s good sometimes it’s bad, but you know what if it doesn’t go the way you want it’s better to find out now. If it does go the way you want then you are glad you confided in them. That being said, sometimes they need time to think about it, so don’t pressure them AND don’t let them pressure you. You may not get the repsonse you want immediately, but hopefully it will come within time. Now let’s hope it goes the way you want, now what do you do? You don’t need to confront the guy that did this to you but instead make a game plan. Once you tell your friend (hopefully he believes you) get the guy out of your house. Let them think that he could possibly do this to them as well, if he did it to you. But whatever happens you need to get away from this guy if you are not willing to report him. Remember it’s about control so if things go normal, he will think he has control, so this can not happen. If things don’t go the way you want and they don’t believe you or whatever then you need to move. Put a game plan together and get out as soon as you can. I would also suggest taking self defense classes or at the very least get some pepper spray(without anyone else’s knowledge). Again, you must take care of yourself and get away from this guy no matter what annyone else things or says. Only you can take care of yourself. Stay strong! Lynn
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Problem – a friend of mine, we’ll call her Bella, recently revealed a secret to me. She is now 18, and 7 years ago she was raped. Worst is it happened 3 times on occasion. I’m one of the few she has told this to, her mother even found out but a few weeks ago after Bella had a nervous breakdown. It’s a secret she’s had to live with for 7 years, and I cannot imagine what that must be like. To some extent she blames what happened on herself. Story goes she invited her youth camp leader over just to talk, an innocent mistake a young girl could make, she could not have know what it would lead to. At the time she was still in 6th grade. He came over to her house, and the rest is unfortunately obvious. The rest of the details I do know; she wanted to tell me, but I stopped her, she was in a torrent of tears at the time. I should admit it was the most pitiful I’ve ever felt. As a result of the guilt and shame her mother found out that day, and her family is helping her through the worst bits. If any restitution can be found from this, I doubt. After 7 years it would probably not be easy to get a case against the bastard. She did once actually see the man afterwards. He didn’t recognise her at all. Her mother couldn’t understand why she suddenly started to cry incessantly.
In the 3 months of so I’ve know her, we’ve grown quite close, perhaps there might even be feelings. She trust me with quite a lot, I would image this is not the type of thing you would tell anyone. Several times she’s told me she feels safe when I’m around, and she has allowed me to sleep over at her place (she lives alone in a flat). Not an easy thing for her I would imagine. Please note we did not do anything while I was there.
This is the part where I need your help. Ever since she was raped, she has been having recurring nightmares about it. In the nights I’ve been with her, I saw what it did to her. She would randomly wake up in the middle of the night, frightened, and looking around her, obviously terrified from her dream. On other occasions she told me that she would wake up in different places, or start fighting in her sleep. Some of this I’ve seen personally. She also has a knock on her back from where she fell out her bed as a result of a fright. And these dreams aren’t just a once and every so often occasion, it happens every night. It’s starting to affect her personality and her work quite badly. Today only she told me the dreams are becoming more realistic as she relives everything that happened to her. At times I fell quite discontented for not being able to do anything.
I have made a few useful observations. I’ve noticed she gets restless about 30 minutes after falling asleep, and it’s usually at this point she start having the nightmares. I’d wake her up so she doesn’t have to suffer as a result. We would stay up for a while, but as soon as she falls asleep, it happens all over again. When she goes into a deeper state of sleep, the nightmares take full effect, and she can’t wake up at all. Usually she would wake up about 5-6 hours after going to sleep. With that goes her night’s rest.
By now, I hope you have a good idea of what exactly her problem is. I just want to help her deal with her nightmares, that’s the biggest problem of all, and the one I need quite a lot of help with. The slightest bit of help would make the biggest difference in her life. No one deserves to live like this
My sincerest thanks for your time
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Bob, I have a few suggestions, first keep a pen and paper near the bed. Before she goes to sleep she needs to write about her day, good or bad any triggers she just needs to get everything out of her head onto paper as a mental release. She could even write why she is scared to sleep. This doesn’t work the first night it is something that takes time, but when she learns to mentally release all of her thoughts her sleep will improve and that ultimately will help her anxiety when she is getting better rest. Also, when she has nightmares she needs to sit up and write them out as well, releasing her thoughts and dreams. Secondly, she needs to seek professional counseling and she can take what she has written to open up a dialogue and that helps the counselor understand triggers or exactly what needs to be addressed. Thirdly and I strongly suggest this, since she is having them so frequently 7 years later, try hypnosis. I personally did this for bad dreams and it worked like a charm. I never went under (asleep) and I only went 4 times and didn’t even think it worked but it’s been years and those 4 visits paid off til this day. But she can’t do hypnosis without the counseling and if she won’t do both, the counseling is the most important, but hand in hand would be the best bet. Thanks for being such a good friend, we need more people like you in the world. Stay strong! Lynn
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Hi, I don’t necessarily need help myself but my boyfriend does. We have been dating for about three months now and although that may not seem like a very long time, we are quite close and are already talking about the near future. Anyways, he and I have discussed his past and how he was raped at age 5 and at age 6. He says that he isn’t bothered by it now and it has no effect on him at this age (24) and although I believe him I cannot help but worry that he is still feeling the pain from all those years. I asked him whether he remembers the rapist’s face and he still remembers everything. He tells me he’s fine but he does have some dominance issues such as not liking to be dominated. He also has some problems with males and dislikes them. I don’t know what to tell him and I don’t know how to help. Since he doesn’t like to be dominated I am unable to convince him to go to therapy where he might feel… well.. not dominant. I love him quite a bit and it pains me to think that he still is able to remember these things. Oh and he hasn’t told anyone. His mother knew about the rape at age five but believes that he wanted to do it and that it wasn’t against his will. He didn’t have the heart to tell her that he was in fact raped. I just don’t know what to do. I love him and perhaps you’ll be able to come up with a suggestion that may help both of us cope with his troubling past.
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R. Honestly every single person that experiences rape needs to get professional help, period. He obviously still has issues, and it might not be bothering him right now but there are times it does and will. Counseling won’t make him feel like he is not in control, in will do the opposite. If you guys are talking marriage and kids maybe you could suggest that before you want to start a family that he gets counseling. Once you have kids I can promise you there will be trusting issues among other things, especially if you have a boy and he needs to know how to deal with it appropriately. Hope this helps! Lynn
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Hi Im trying to dael with things is there anything else that i can do? When i was 10 i was raped for years my way of dealing with this was by drinking sleepin with lots of men abusing my self, self harming. Ive been with my beautifull partner for 6 years now and its only been the last few months that ive told him as I have been totally out of controle so it got to the point that i couldnt hide it any more i would loose everything the man i love, my home, my business or to be honest and tell him my dark secret, its had a big impact on us and were trying to get through it please help what more can we do? who can we see? what i think will help is to go into detail of what exzatly has happend.
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J. the only person that you need to go into detail with is a counselor. The only reason I think you should tell your partner the details is if your partner is asking you to do something sexually that you don’t want to do because of the actual rape. You can go to rainn.org and find the nearest counselor that specializes in rape to you or you can call your local crisis center which can refer you to someone. Or if you have health insurance you can go through that. You and your partner can go but either way you definitely need to because you have regressed this for a very long time and need extensive counseling. This isn’t something that goes away, it never does, it changes our lives and all we can do is learn how to deal with it, from a professional. You can look at over 1000 posts here and you won’t find one person that has been able to deal with it themselves. So go get the help you and your relationship deserve. Stay strong! Lynn
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I am looking for some help.. i have had a rough life, my childhood was full of trauma. and i got pregnant at age 14 and was a mother at 15 going to school and working full time. i have always had emotinally issues as well as very strong anxiety. about 2 months ago my house was broken into by 3 masked men while i was asleep. they stole all of my belongings, but they took somthing i can never get back. i had a gun held to my head and i was raped both front and back. i was already in counsling when this happend. but i chose to hide it for the first week. i finally couldnt hold in my self hatred and feelings of worthlessness and i turned to my family for support. they are helpful and they understand. my concern in my 3 year old daughter. i love her with all of my heart shes the only true love i’ve ever expeirenced. and i feel like rite now i am not emotinally there for her. and it takes all of my energy just to make her dinner. i feel guilty. i feel like im the only one she has to look up to and i dont even kno who i am anymore. i feel lost. like my body is going through the motions of life but i dont think it can last to much longer. i cant sleep i am up til 4 am everynight. and i cant pretend anymore…. i guess my real concern is how can i be strong rolemodel for my daughter when i dont even feel worthy of her love or even being a mother. i could rly use some advice…
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E. It sounds that a lot of your issues you are having are more than just the rape. So I’m glad you are getting counseling, and please don’t stop because that is your best bet. As far as the rape goes, I understand the feeling of emptiness inside and lack of energy trying to deal but I don’t understand why you don’t feel worthy of your daughters love or feelings of guilt because you did nothing wrong. This is something that happened to you, it doesn’t define you or take away the love you have for her or her love for you. Let me explain it this way, I know it’s hard to think about this but if the exact same thing happened to her you wouldn’t think less of her or love her less would you? No of course you wouldn’t. So stop with the guilty feelings or not being worthy, you wouldn’t want her to feel that way, right. The lack of energy and not knowing who you are are different because of what happened but that has nothing to do with the love for your daughter. That is strictly the stress and anxiety of going through rape, which your counseling can and will help as long as you let it by opening up, asking for the help and working through it for yourself and your daughter. It’s not easy but you have to do it for both of you and I promise it will be worth it. Stay strong! Lynn
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I was employed as a dancer at a gentleman’s club… I am a single mom and it was becoming impossible for me to find a job, I walked into the club about a month ago to see if they had any openings for a bartender, and the owner said he didnt but I would make a great dancer, so I started that night, the money was great, I started making 200-300 dollars a night, and started catching up on my bills. Last night one of the girls I work with asked if I wanted to do a private stag party with her, and it would pay way more than at the club, she promised everything would be the same as at the club… and at first it was, just lap dances, and prancing around but as the night went on the guys got touchy feely and started forcing their fingers into the girls, and myself, I decided I was done, and was going home I couldnt take anymore, this isnt who I am, so I went to the bathroom where my belongings were and one of the guys at the party followed me in there, he then held me against the wall, I tried to get him off of me, and he raped me from behind while I screamed for help, he wore a condom so there is no fluids, I did go to the hospital and they did a kit, they did find proof that it was non concential and that there was condom lubricant, I am also highly allergic to latex which I had a reaction to, when they sent police back to the hall that the party was hosted at it was over, noone in my family knew I was a dancer, I dont want anyone to find out about any of this, I just want to know how to move on with my life, and if they catch the guy then I will have to go to trial and this will get out, and I dont want it to, I dont ever want anyone to know what I did for a living, they will just think I asked for it, I mean I was prancing around half naked all night, he may have thought I was a prostitute or something, I am so ashamed, I dont know what to do.
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S. You definitely need to take care of yourself and by that I mean get some professional counseling. You can go to rainn.org and they are anonymous and can refer you to a counselor specializing in rape near you and I would highly recommend it and I wouldn’t wait. They will also be able to help you if they do catch the guy and you need to know whats best for you and how to proceed. In the worst case scenario that someone does find out just be honest because this in no way was your fault. It doesn’t matter if you were half naked, you were doing a job and do you know how many girls are hired on a daily basis for special occassions, it’s not illegal and it’s a legitimate business and doesn’t give anyone the right to rape you. Get the help you need and don’t be ashamed of what you did because it’s not your fault. Stay strong! Lynn
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Hi Lynn, my girlfriend and I have been dating for almost a year now. Before we were dating she told me how she went to this party, and a guy got her naked and almost had sex with her but she stopped him. Then a couple months ago she tells me that guy actually almost had vaginal sex, but she stopped him somehow but he actually anal raped her. I asked her how he was able to do it and it was because she kept taking drinks from him and it just went from there. This has been on my mind everyday since she told me, I can’t stop thinking about it, it comes into my mind before we engage in sex. It’s like I thought she was this “pure” woman but now she seems tainted. i don’t know I try to help her but shes always distant now. And yesterday she called me and said it happened while we were dating, which I’m pretty sure it didn’t but i don’t know. i don’t know what to believe or do anymore. This event just makes me so mad, sad, and sick. I just want to be able to help her, and to wipe this from my memory. Please help if you can.
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Patrick, If you really want to help her you need to put her first, before your feelings. I know it is hard for you but if you really care you need to realize how hard this has been for her and focus on helping her IF you are up for it. She is obviously going through a turmoil emotionally if it is coming out now and she is possibly looking for your understanding and support and is scared, which is why it is coming out in bits and pieces. I always recommend a victim of rape tell the guy they are with BEFORE the are intimate because 9 out of 10 times the guy runs. Now that you know if you really love her you need to be all in. She needs to get counseling, but you can’t make her she has to be ready on her own and willing and wanting to help herself. Remember she is scared of loosing you, she is scared of your judgment she is feeling ashamed. One thing you both should know is that rape is about control, not her, not what she did. It also doesn’t define her only the creep that did this to her. If you want to help her and stay with her and she doesn’t go to counseling, maybe you should consider it because I promise it won’t make things worse, only better. But if you do make sure you tell her you aren’t going because of her you are going because you want to help her and you don’t know how. Tell her you want to give her the best support and understanding you can. Maybe if you go she will go (doesn’t have to be the same doc). You can go to rainn.org, go through your health ins. or even a local crisis center, if the can’t help you on site they can refer you to someone. What I can assure you is it doesn’t go away if it is not dealt with properly, in fact it only gets worse and permeates to all factors of life. Another thing is try and focus on the positive no matter how little or big it helps mentally change the way you are thinking. Stay strong! Lynn
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I’m a teenager and I was talking to my girlfriend about her virginity and she confessed that I was her second sex partner but before she told me that I was her first and recently she told me her story of how she got raped she didn’t want to talk about it at first but I just kept asking questions because I feel that I’m very insecure of my sex life and I would ask her questions like did she like it did she actually have sex or was just laying down there I knew in the back of my head that it was rape but I was just really thinking of my self and I have already promised her we weren’t going to talk about it anymore sometimes I think to my self what if she’s just lying to not tell me the truth that she’s been around and stuff like that I really dont even know if our relationship is a good relationship ??? I really don’t look at her the same because I always think about it I would like to recieve any suggestions on how I can deal with this because I really wish she wouldnt have told me
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Confuse2, I understand where your feelings are coming from but they aren’t the appropriate feelings to have and I do in fact feel you are being selfish. In fact I don’t think you really care about her as much as you care about yourself and what happened, at least that’s how it seems. If I’m wrong and I very well could be and you truly do care then you need to change your way of thinking and support. Let’s say you are a Dad and this did in fact happen to your daughter is that how you would treat her or want her boyfriend to treat or think about her? I would hope not. So start supporting her the way you would want your daughter supported and stop the judging because that is the worst thing you can do. Lynn
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Hi Lynn, i’m 17 years old and a while ago when I was 7 I was sexually abusesd until the age of 10 by my brother but in those 3 years i only remember random parts of it, I went to a psychologist but stopped after the 2nd session because she said they would put my brother in jail if he did rape me…so i was never honest when she asked me questions because i still love my brother which is weird because to be honest he’s messed up a large part of my life, but even so we tallk often and every one lives their lives as if nothing happened it annoys me and i never stop thinking about it every time i think back on what happened its like a huge part is missing, like i’ve had memory loss or just forced my self to forget about it so that i could keep going…it is so frustrating because i want to love my brother but i am so scared of him and never feel safe when i’m around him it affects the things i do because i’m never truely happy, i have flashbacks and don’t sleep properly at night, i just need some answers but i don’t know how to get them, if i go to a psychologist they’ll put him in jail…i can’t talk to my parents about it but thats a whole different story, i just feel guilty because i don’t want to make this into something its not, i know he touched me in ways he shouldn’t of and made me do things but that bit that i can’t remember, i’m terrified it was rape, i can’t just let it go because i want to know the truth i know the difference between right and wrong and i know this is wrong and i know i’m not supposed to think of killing myself every day its just been one bad event after the other, i want to resolve this one so i can have a happy life….i’m just not sure how to do that.
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K, You need to get to a counselor/therapist/psychologist immediately, especially if you are thinking of suicide. You don’t have to tell them it’s your brother, I’m not saying to lie because that is not how you want to start counseling but just say it was a family member that you aren’t ready to admit. I would even suggest going to rainn.org and getting the nearest counselor specializing in rape because I know a lot of counselors that will listen to you and help you instead of reporting, which is different from a doctor who is obliged. Secondly you need to stay away from your brother and start understanding that being around him isn’t good for anyone. Rape is about control and even though this happened when you were both young, he is still in a way controlling your thought like “I want to love my brother”. Again, rape is about control and the reason it happened so long was because he knew he had control over you. And I feel he still does. When a person gets away with sexual abuse they have even more control and given the chance it most likely will happen again and that is exactly what happened. Because I feel like based on your words that he still has control I fear for your safety, mentally and physically. this is extremely deep rooted and you need to help yourself first and STOP worrying about your brother. Stay strong! Lynn
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hi, i am a 27year old lady. i was gang raped by 3 guys whom i don’t know. this happened when i was about 14years old. i’ve never said a word to anyone abt this. i remember how i cried and pleaded for them to stop, the one guy was so big such that i could barely walk after that. he had a gun on his hand & everytime i tried to say something he would point it to my head. the other one had a knife & he thretened to cut me should i say a word. i kept all this to myself and over the years i been thinking that i’m fine but lately i keep thinking abt what happened. i still cry a lot thinking about it. i have finally spoken out & told my boyfriend (whom i’ve only been dating for 6months) he said he is going to be there for me & if i feel like i wanna talk he is always gonna be there to listen. i have 2 girls aged 4yrs & 18months. i am currently going thru a divorce with their dad whom i had been with for 10years. lately i find myself feeling so empty and i get upset for no reason. the memories of the rape keep on coming back. do you think i need proffessional help?
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T. Absolutely you need professional help, all rape victims need professional help. There are over 1000 posts here and I can promise you that you won’t find one that was able to deal on their own. We are not wired on how to deal with rape which is why only people that have been through it or professionally trained people can understand and help. Go to rainn.org to find a counselor that specializes in rape near you or go through your health ins or even try your local crisis center which will either be able to help or refer you to someone. I’m glad you have a supportive boyfriend but that’s all he can be is supportive, he can’t help heal you, only you can help yourself. So don’t waste another day. It won’t be easy but it is worth it and you and the future of your family is worth it. Stay strong! Lynn
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Hi um so i am having a problem with decideing on wethor or not my situation is rape. A year ago it was my first time meeting my dads side of the family and i met cousins i did not even know, one of them found an intrest with me and although i didnt not find one in him i shruged off his feelings as teenage hormones, I was 15(now 16) he was 14. We stayed with his family for a whole school year hwile my parents where back home and one night while i was sleeping i felt someone rubbing against me. I was half asleep when he told me to do dirty things to him and when i wouldnt he made me do it by himself. Sooner or later he wanted more from me then groping and i didn’t, i was a virgin. But he kept insisting and althought i said no we ended up having sex anyway and i felt filthy after i cried for weeks. I havent told anyone buts for months he’s been coming into my room and havin sex with me and ive started to like it and urge him on. I do not know what this is called and although it has stopped for months now i still feel guilty and filthy whenever i tell my bf that im a virgin. I do not know what to do. Im stuck.
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A. Well I would say in the beginning that it was definitely sexual harrassment but when you say that “we ended up having sex” does that meant you said OK? If you did then I couldn’t say that what rape and the fact that you state you urge him on leads me to believe it’s not rape. If this is correct I would say this is teenage hormones from both sides out of control in a bad way, which you already know. BUT If you continued to tell him no (initially) and he forced himself on you (and that’s what you meant by we ended up having sex) then absolutely this was rape. Rape is about control and it sounds like he is still controlling you. So not sure which is correct but what I do know is that you know this is wrong (didn’t say it was your fault because I completely understand your confusion). But either way you MUST stay away from him no matter what. If he starts harrassing you then you need to take charge and tell someone, whether it be a family member, a counselor or a guidance teacher just make sure it is an adult NOT a friend. And don’t threaten him that you are going to tell just do it. Whatever happened it started because of his bad behavior and his continuing bad behavior and it must be stopped. Stay strong! Lynn
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Hi, I am just writing to get some advice on what I should do weather to go see a councellor or not. I got abused by a guy one night at my friends house after another friends months mass over 2years ago now and I held it in for 3mnths before telling a friend that made me tell my aunt and my aunt told my mom. They took it ok but were quite mad that it happened. I blame myself for it sometimes as I thought I lead him on but I expected only kissing nothing else, but it wasn’t. I don’t let it bug me most of the time but when I drink and I don’t drink that often but when I do I feel like I need to tell someone the story and just get a big hug. But I don’t know who to trust and its not something that my family want to hear about as they think I have gotten over it at this stage but I haven’t and that bugs me as I don’t know who to turn to and trust. Please help!
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M. What you and your family need to know is that rape isn’t something that you just “get over” and it doesn’t ever go away. Now that being said doesn’t mean you can’t learn how to deal with it properly and have a better life. But I do understand where you are coming from because my family thought if they didn’t talk about it I wouldn’t think about it and that is all wrong. You need that period to talk to someone and to cry and heal. The more you keep in the more it hurts, the more you let out by talking and crying about it the more room you have to heal. Rape never goes away, it changes us for life BUT we can still have a good life when we can think about it in the proper perspective and we have a good support group around us. I personally was even able to heal by helping others and I have to think and deal with it on a daily basis but thats because I was in counseling for a year and got my thoughts and life into perspective. I stopped focusing on what I couldn’t change and string putting my thought and efforts on what I could change. And that all started with me believing that it wasn’t my fault and I stopped being ashamed because I finally realized that this didn’t define me but the only the rapist. I Just met a bunch a women for the first time the other nite and the very first nite I told them I was a rape survivor without caring what anyone thought and I was proud because I was a “survivor”. And this meeting was nothing about rape. One woman walked up to me later and said how sorry she was but was amazed at my confidence and I told her because it’s my life and I’m not ashamed, I’m proud of where I am today. Again what got me to this point was counseling that enabled me to get the right attitude, within time of course. So yes you need counseling, so go rainn.org and find the nearest counselor to you or even try a local crisis center or go through your health insurance if you have it. Stay strong! lynn
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I have been married for 7 years. 5 years ago, I was raped. Shortly after, my husband asked for sex. In that vulnerable state, I accepted because I felt guilty that I couldn’t be there for him. The longer I went through with it, the more I felt like the rape was happening all over again. This cycle has more or less continued the entire time. I went to therapy for several months, where she put me through prolonged exposure. It got me past the trauma, but I feel no desire to be with intimate with my husband anymore. I recently explained this to him, and suggested we separate. He asked me to try therapy again. I went to my first session today, and it seemed like she was focused on all the wrong things, and wants to put me through the prolonged exposure again. I don’t want to do it.
I told my husband this after the appointment, and he was rather upset because he feels like I’m just giving up. I don’t know how to explain to him how much of a toll this has taken on me emotionally. The other thing the therapist suggested was martial counseling. I brought this up to him as well, and he didn’t think this was a marital issue. I’m at a loss as to what to do.
He’s a nice guy, been great at taking care of our family and etc. I don’t want to hurt him, but how can he be happy in this? He doesn’t want me to leave. I feel like this relationship is now hopeless in terms of intimacy and wish to move on. But I feel trapped, like I should just stay here to keep him happy. I feel so selfish.
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B. My first suggestion is to change therapists if you don’t like what she is asking you to do. Go to rainn.org and find a specialist that deals in rape near you. It’s not easy changing but it is a necessary part of the process and when you find the right one it will be worth it. This is a mandatory step in your personally recovery. As far as your marriage, personally my recommendation would be for you both to seek counseling seperately. I would suggest this before you divorce because if you are having intimacy issues, this is going to happen with anyone in your life not just your husband. So I would hate for you to get divorced, discover it happens with others as well, then through therapy be able to have intimacy and then want your husband back. However if you feel the need to separate until you get this under control I do understand that BUT you must help yourself with these issues before you get divorced. There are so many complexities with rape feelings and you don’t want to make harsh decisions that you might regret later, especially if you have kids together. As far as him thinking it’s not marital, let him know you prefer him to seek individual counseling so it can help him understand the feelings you are going through and the patience that you need him to give you right now while you sort this out. If he really wants to stay together he needs to give you your space when you need it IF you really are working on it with a professional, otherwise he is just going to see if as asking for time apart. Hope that helps! And by the way you aren’t selfish you are just working on your personal healing and this last therapist wasn’t working. Don’t give up on yourself or him, yet. Stay strong! Lynn
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Hi Lynn,
Just an update, they found the guy, I came clean to my family, and am in three times a week counsiling… it isn’t really helping the nightmares yet, but it does help to talk…. even if I havent really talked about what happened much yet, she said I am making progress… My family has been very supportive, I am now working as a respectable bartender at my Uncle’s bar, where he originally said he had no openings, but my father explained what happened, and he immediately offered me a job… I am still looking elsewhere, I hope to get out of the beverage business all together…
I am not sure about trial or anything as of yet, or if there will even be one, someone at the party gave the guy my phone number and that is how they got him, I got a very provocative, disturbing text, which was enough to use as a confession… so we will see…
Thank you for your website… it’s been very helpful to see others going through alot of the same things, thank you.
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S. I’m so glad to hear things are looking up for you and you are taking the right steps even though I know it is difficult. It is the right thing to do for you to start healing and have a better future. Try the writing out your feelings (good or bad) before you go to bed and if you can make this a ritual it will start to help you sleep better because you are training your brain to have a mental release. I’m so glad I could help and thanks for giving me the update. I love to hear back from people who are doing better! Stay strong! Lynn
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I need help. I don’t know what to do. I think I was raped last Friday. My best friend and I went out for drinks around 7pm. We each only had 2 or 3 drinks apiece. At some point I got up from my table and left my drink while I went outside to have a cigarette. Apparenly we left that bar at about 10pm and followed some guys to another bar. I woke up the next morning in a motel room alone. My dress was on, but my underwear and shoes were missing. I didn’t feel like I had had sex, but there were bruises and hickey marks on the inside of my knees and thighs. I have absolutely no memory from around 10pm to 10am. 12 hours of NOTHING.
I am 30 years old, and have been married for 7 years. I lost my virginity to my husband, and I have never had sex with another man. EVER. I am TERRIFIED to tell my husband. TERRIFIED. The only people that know are my best friend and a police officer friend of mine. It is too late for me to get a rape kit done, and I’m scared that if I file a report my husband will find out. What if he thinks that I just got drunk and blacked out? What if he doesn’t believe me? Even if he does believe me, how is he going to take it? Will he see me differently? I have this horrible feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach, and I have been shaking almost nonstop since Saturday morning. It’s so hard to pretend I’m OK around everyone else. I have to take sleeping pills to fall asleep. Please help. Please.
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M. I can’t say for sure but it sure sounds like you were drug raped, especially if you only had a couple drinks. That being said I question where was your friend and what happened to her??? Did this happen to her as well, was she with you in the room? How did she get home and what does she remember? You need to make sure you tie those facts into the equation as well. Because typically when you are drugged raped you can’t really function, meaning leaving a bar and going somewhere else. You might have been able to walk for a bit but typically not long enough to leave somewhere and go into another place, just long enough for them to get you to the place they want you. And even then you walk like you are very drunk, tired or out of it, especially when mixed with alcohol. When you black out though people seem to carry on and just not remember. That being said I’m in no way saying what happened because either way it seems you were taken advantage of and even if someone does black out that doesn’t give another person the right to sexually assault them. What I need you to do first and foremost as hard as it is, is to put yourself first and your husband second. All I heard was how will he feel and take it. Right now this is happening to you and as much as you are worried about him right now, you MUST take care of yourself because this is going to have adverse reactions on you even if he took it the best way possible. The bottom line is you can’t control what anyone else thinks or how anyone else acts. So you need to get counseling and I would suggest talking to a professional about what happened to you as well as the best way to handle it with your husband IF you choose to. You can still file a police report but it won’t be easy without any type of evidence. That being said if you can identify (or your friend can identify) the person it might be worth it because he might have prior reports and your case could help. But again without evidence it might be difficult to convict him on your personal report. whatever you choose to do counseling is a must. It might help you remember something to answer your questions. It will definitely help you cope whether or not you tell your husband. You can go to rainn.org to find the nearest counselor near you that specializes in rape or even contact your local crisis center if you have one and if they can’t help you there they can refer you to someone. I promise you if you don’t get the proper help you need it will affect you an many different facets of your life going forward AND the longer you wait the longer your healing will take. So bite the bullet and do it and then talk to them about the appropriate way to deal with your husband. Stay strong! Lynn
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I’ve been fighting to keep holding on and let go of the past since it happened last year, and only now the police have informed me that they don’t think there is enough evidence to press charges in court, this is killing me that he will be walking a free man, and could do this to another person if he wished too.. i’m trying to stay strong but i just don’t understand how bad things can happen to good people and then the bad people have good things happen to them? i know so many cases around the world every day don’t have enough evidence to press charges so these people get to walk freely but i just wish it was so much more simple than this, these people deserve to be locked up behind bars…
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M. I agree with you it isn’t fair. But I can promise you one thing. I believe in Karma 100% and he will get his one way or another. That is a thought that keeps me going. Stay strong! Lynn
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Lynn,
To answer your question, my friend (and the people who were sitting with us) said that I got up from the table, and never came back. I left my purse and my phone on the table. She searched for me all night. She went to the police station, the hospital…. everywhere. When I called her the next morning to come get me (barefoot), she was so relieved she was crying. She hadn’t slept the whole night. She knows my husband, and she is scared to tell him also. Even my cop friend said that I shouldn’t tell him — that it would be too hard on him even if he did believe me because something so precious was taken from him. Should I bring him with me if I tell my husband? We asked about cameras at the motel, and they said they didn’t have any. They gave my friend and I a list of people who had checked in, and I looked at it. I didn’t know ONE PERSON on that list by name or picture (they scan the drivers licenses). They never found my shoes or panties. It disgusts me, but the manager at the motel acted like this type of thing happened all the time. Also the motel where I was found I had never seen before and didn’t even know it was there. My friend felt fine that night, and was sober enough to drive home – and she has a low tolerance.
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M. I think you should stick with the plan of starting counseling and discussing with them the best thing to do with your husband. I personally could never go through life without the support of my husband and the emotional burden being all on me. But every situation is different. So if you were drugged then the people that did it at the first bar would have had to follow you to the second bar to keep an eye on you, so keep that in mind. And it sounds like they know where to go if #1) there are no cameras and #2) it sounded (from the guy at the hotel) that it happens all the time, ya know.. Stay strong! Lynn
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Lynn. Thank you thank you thank you. I was raped 4 days ago. I can’t tell my family or my boyfriend, I am not ready to yet. I am so glad I found your website to help me cope with this. I cried over it for the first time today. Thank you again, I will be coming to your page regularly from now on.
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Hi. i just wanted to talk to someone im 15 nearlly 16 i was raped by my aunties boyfriend when i was 13 and im scared to go and see my cousins, they have now split up but he is living round the corner from me. I have days where i start crying and cant controle my behaviour after the rape i started drinking an being really badly behaved at school. if anyone has any ideas on what i should do that wuld be good thanks.
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L. At the very least if you don’t feel like you can tell your family, go to the school counselor, so at least they will understand why your schooling is being affected. I’m sure they will be able to refer you to a counselor as well. Make sure you let them know where this guy lives and that you are scared. Take a self defense class if you can. And if your Aunt is broken up with him why can’t you turn to her? I bet she would understand and help you. The most important thing is to protect yourself because rape is about control. And when the attacker knows that you didn’t tell and they still have a way to get to you, then in their mind they most likely will try again at some point because they have control over you. Stop the drinking because you don’t want to put yourself in a vulnerable spot, especially if he is around. Stay strong and get some professional counseling! Lynn
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hi lynn, im 15 nearlyy 16, when i was 14 my aunties boyfriend raped me i didnt tell anyone (still havent), after i started drinking alot and messing around at school to try and forget about it he kept telling me it was all my fault saying i was teasing him. i have days where i cant stop thinking about it and cry my self to sleep my gcse’s are not going wll as i have missed alot of the classes from messing around. they recently split up but he is living round the corner from me and im scared of seeing him.
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Thank you that was great advise I was being selfish and only thinking about myself because it seems like she’s over it and I think that we just have to get over it and not talk about it anymore I don’t know if that’s healthy ? I am still with this girl and we always have little fights but we always seem to surpass them I learned to really love this girl and I want what’s best for her is there any way which I can help her or should I leave it alone because I really don’t care anymore I just thought that I would be her first and that’s what I was really thinking about 😦 any way I’m glad you helped and made me see this in a positive way it really opened my eyes because this things truly happen and all I got to say is take care of yourselfs and loved ones and thank you for this website I hope this message makes your day really thank you for helping others : )
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Confuse2, I’m so glad I was able to help. And what you can do is just be there for her. I wouldn’t bring it up unless she does and if she does just listen and be her rock. Otherwise, just try and stay positive and make sure she knows that you aren’t judging her in anyway and that what happened to her doesn’t define her, only the guy that did this is her as a rapist. Stay strong! Lynn
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My husband found out this past Saturday. I didn’t know it was possible to feel any worse, but right now I am at the point of putting a bullet in my brain. The ONLY thing stopping me is the fact that I cannot be selfish and put my friends and family through this. I have told a few “friends.” Some of their responses are unfathomable. The 2 people that have helped me through this so far (my best friend, and my cop friend), my husband has forbidden me to see them. I am not allowed out of the house without him. He broke some stone statues, broke my ottoman, and Lord knows what else. And he had a gun sitting on the couch next to him when I got home.
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M. Which is more reason you need to get into counseling asap, even if it means taking your husband with you. Sounds like he might benefit from it as well. Stay strong! Lynn
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Glad that I stumbled across this site. I was raped multiple times by someone who I confided in following the death of a close friend. I was manipulated and blackmailed. I don’t know how to come to terms with it, and now I am in a relationship, and I don’t know how to tell him, because I can’t be in a physical relationship yet, and I feel so uncomfortable that I’m worried I am going to drive him away… any advice please?
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N. I’ll give you the best advice that was given to me but it’s up to you to take it or not. When I was in therapy my counselor told me before I have any physical relationship with someone I must tell them I am a rape survivor. I thought she was crazy because I thought they would run as fast as they could. Well, I was right BUT so was she. A couple ran, one was even a cop and he ran the quickest. I was devastated and felt humiliated and thought my therapist didn’t understand how I felt. But I did it anyway and finally found the tight guy, who ended up being my husband. I realized either way it would come out and I’d rather know before I got into a serious relationship that they couldn’t handle it and leave than invest all my time, energy and love to only have them leave later. Then it would have hurt 10 times worse. So it’s so much better to lay your cards out and see if they are willing to play or not. IF they choose not to play, it’s better to find out before your heart is invested. AND DON’T look at it as something is wrong with you, look at it as their weakness (don’t say that obviously) just be glad you found out now and not later. Remember rape doesn’t define you, only the person that did this to you. Stay strong! Lynn
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Hi im J,I was raped at the age of 5 by my cousin who was 14.Im 11 now and he sleeps 5 feet away from my room.The only person I ever told was my mom but she passed way when I was 8.The worst thing is I now nobody would beleive me.What should I do.
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J. Hopefully he hasn’t tried anything with you again but let me explain that rape is about control and as long as you don’t tell anyone he will think he still has control over you so you DO NOT want that. You need to tell someone that you trust, whether it is a family member or even a school guidance teacher or just a teacher you trust or someone at your church maybe. How about a friends parent, just tell someone that will be able to protect you. Even if it hasn’t happened again and hopefully hasn’t done or said anything to remind you, tell them that you have been having nightmares and you are scared. If he has done or said something then obviously tell them that and ask for their protection. Whoever you tell let them know that your Mom knew and supported and consoled you when she was alive and now you have no one. You really need to get counseling too. If you feel there is no one then try to call your local crisis center and ask for their advice. Most calls are anonymous but they’ve been trained t help people of all ages. They can possibly get you into free counseling as well to help you cope. something else to think about is taking a karate class, i would say self defense but not sure if they do that for kids of your age but a tae kwon do or karate class will help with your emotional state because it will build confidence and a sense of security. Hope that helps. Stay strong! Lynn
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