#1) Believe deep down it is not your fault, no matter what the actions were leading up to the rape, you need to know and accept there is nothing that justifies rape and you didn’t do anything to deserve it! Everyone I talk to feels guilty or ashamed in one form or another, but what you don’t understand is the person that is deserving of the guilt and shame is the person that chose to do the rape, NOT YOU! The rape was not about anything you did, it is about the attacker needing control and they are responsible for their actions NOT YOU!!!
#2) You need to try and do your best to deal with your feelings as they arise. I’ve learned that in order to feel like a survivor you face them head on. You have two options, deal with them head on or run from them. The problem is when you run, your demons become your shadow and you can never outrun your shadow, so it is best to try and deal with your emotions head on instead of trying to outrun something you can’t.
#3) The one thing I learned the hard way was that none of my loved ones reacted they way I thought they would, so I immediately was more concerned with their thoughts and actions than my own healing process. I see this almost every time when counseling a survivor. The first thing I hear is, “What is my family (often spouse/partner) going to think?” or “how are they going to react?” My typical response is, “I know you are worried about their reactions BUT aren’t you more worried about your well being for you and your family?” Before you expend your energy on controlling someone else’s feelings (when ultimately you can’t) you should take that energy to heal yourself. Because you truly need to believe that you did nothing to lead up to the rape and know in your heart it wasn’t your fault. When YOU realize it doesn’t matter what you were wearing, where you were at or what you were doing, then it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks! The bottom line is you have to take care of yourself first before you can take care of anyone else!
#4) Surround yourself with the people who support you and distance yourself (at least temporarily) from those who don’t.
#5) Find the positive in something everyday and focus on it no matter how small or stupid it is. A lot of days you will have to dig deep to find it, even if it is splurging on a dessert or watching your favorite TV show, but you must find something positive everyday to keep you going. This will also help train your brain that you can block out the negative.
#6) Remember that you can’t change the past so stop focusing on it with – shoulda, coulda, woulda – because it doesn’t matter since the past can’t be changed. If you are focusing on something you wished you would have done differently or beating yourself up with something you did, then you do not believe it wasn’t your fault, step #1. YOU MUST BELIEVE THAT IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT and until you do you have a long struggle in your recovery. Remember NOTHING JUSTIFIES RAPE!
#7) Focus on what you DO have control of and that is your future. The day I stopped letting my assaulter control my life is the day I realized I could be dead. At that moment (about 9 months later) even though I knew my assaulter took something from me, I realized he did not take my life and I wasn’t about to give him another day of MY life! He doesn’t deserve it, not one more minute! I felt this huge relief that I sat down and cried for hours. From that day on I stopped worrying about my past and what anyone else thought and focused on appreciating the life I had left. Now I’m not saying I skipped off into the sunset, but that was the day I stopped feeling sorry for myself (those emotions are allowed – for a while) and picked myself up and took a step forward instead of backwards.
#8) DO NOT turn to drugs and alcohol to mask the pain, once again you MUST FEEL IN ORDER TO HEAL. Alcohol and/or drugs are only a temporary fix and does absolutely nothing to solve the problem other than to push it deeper. You must deal with it and the more you feel and release, the more room you have to heal.
#9) DON’T rely on anyone else to heal you. You will heal as much as you put the work into it. Hopefully you will have support, but you need to know while it is OK to accept help from others, only you can heal yourself. Healing yourself through some type of professional counseling, whether group, individual or anonymously. A lot of cities offer free counseling or support groups through their local crisis centers. There are your some church groups or if you health insurance (make sure mental health is covered under your plan) use that. Some employers have EAP (employee assistance programs) that are completely anonymous even to your employer and usually offer a couple free visits. Go to rainn.org to find the closest counselor to you. There are so many resources, just make the commitment to start helping yourself and you’ll find a way!
#10) While the above suggestions are more long term, I would like to make some suggestions for baby steps that can help “right now”. My most successful suggestion is to right down your feelings at the end of the day (good or bad) whatever they are just as a release. This is good for survivors or immediate family members trying to cope as well. It is up to you whether or not you keep it, it is just a way for you to get your honest and true emotions out and not keep them deep inside you, which only fester. Warms baths are great before bed along with a good book to take me away, if even for 30 minutes. I always try to keep a book in purse, dvd at home or cd in car that I love and makes me feel good that I can immediately turn to to brighten my mood. And if you don’t have a pet, get one! Pets are amazing and offer true unconditional love BUT make sure you have the time to love and nurture your pet and you will get nothing less back!
#11) Think about taking a self defense class. After being raped your sense of security is shot and an excellent way to start to get it back is taking a self defense class. It is very empowering and a good confidence builder.
#12) Try yoga (if you don’t alreaady), it is truly amazing how it makes you feel calm and can just release the stress and anxiety. Never tried it until after my rape and I still have the same at home beginner dvds I’ve used for years, but I love them and I truly feel empowered, strong and relaxed when I’m done. They say you can heal your body through your breathing and I believe it. Tell me you don’t feel a little better after you take a few big deep breaths. Well, when you are doing yoga, not only is your body trying to align and release your stress you are holding in your body, but you are really breathing the whole time and getting oxygen to your entire body, which is not only a calming affect but helps the tightness in your muscles to release. So trust me just try it a few times, you don’t have to do it perfect (which is why I do it at my house) but I always feel better afterwards, never fails..
Dealing with Rape 
Hi Lynn, I was raped when i was 15 (im 19 now). After it happened i attempted suicide. I was bullied for 8 years at school so my confidence and self esteem is low anyway and i always thought there must be something wrong with me for being bullied so much, but after the rape it left me feeling like i really did have something wrong with me for the fact that he thought he could do this to me. Even though i did try to fight back i wasn’t strong enough and it only seemed to make him more annoyed.
since it happened i have only slept with two other guys – i get really scared around guys and i worry that they will want to have sex quicker than i will and that they will put pressure on me. One guy i did start seeing actually wanted me to tell him how many dates i would go on before i would sleep with him which confirmed just how shallow some guys are. Whenever i would sleep with my ex i would feel really guilty after it and wish i hadnt done it, even though i wanted to.
I have just started seeing a guy and everything was going well until he told me a joke about a rape victim (i can’t remember the joke) but it really hit a nerve and now i don’t know what to think about him – is it bad that him and his friends are telling jokes about rape victims? I’m not saying he doesn’t see anything wrong with it becuase he does, he thinks its a horrible thing for someone to go through but the fact he can still joke about it upsets me and leaves me feeling slightly unsure of him.
I constantly blame myself for what happened and i am always thinking of all the things i could have done differently. There was no drink involved or drugs and i was wearing jeans and was wearing a t-shirt so i wasnt dressed provocativly and i know i wasnt very flirty because i was always shy around guys but i still continue to blame myself.
I never went to the police or the hospital and havnt told my mum and dad or any of my family. Only recently was i able to tell one of my friends. Recently i have been very upset and crying constantly- i can’t stop thinking about what happened and i dont know to deal with the way im feeling. Can you please help. S
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S.
Yes I think it is weird to tell rape jokes and I agree with you that it would make me feel uneasy as well. It would definitely put a red flag up because if he is joking about it he doesn’t take it all that serious. You need to stop with the coulda, shoulda, woulda because the past can’t be changes. You can only look forward at the things you have control over. You are upset because you have been keeping locked up inside and now it is time to come out. When it needs to come out you need to let it. I would try and find a counselor near you through rainn.org or someone in your area. Your friend can only listen and be a shoulder to cry on but won’t be able to give you the professional counseling you need for yourself and your future relationships. Stay strong! Lynn
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about two years ago when i was 15 and im a guy idk reading the kite runner and have been kinda depressed lately, anyways here is my story. i was over at a johns (a friend ive known since kindergarten) b-day. there was this other kid the same age giving off weird vibes, towards me which i didn’t really understand or thought he was joking about taking showers and stuff. idk anyways everything was going great until we had to leave. we all were in the play room and our parents had just arrived at the time it was late around 9 or so, so we got up to leave the bottom floor of the house. i was second to last with the kid behind me, we were half way down the hall to the stairs. anyway everyone was way ahead of us. as my friend is walking up the stairs joking with the other kids, the guy behind me grabs me and throws me on my hands and knees, while covering my mouth. he starts getting on top of me and making movements while whispering stuff, and grabbing my penis. i thought i was screaming yelling at him to get off, asking what are you doing? but when i think back about it im pretty sure i was not saying anything. this goes on for about a min just me struggling in the dark to get him off. when john comes back down the stairs looking for us he turns on the hall light and sees him on top of me. immediately he gets off and at this point im stunned not able to understand what just happened. i just get up and look at my friend. he says i gave him the saddest look hes ever seen. we walk back up the stairs to where my mom is waiting with the other parents and just tell her we need to leave please. so we do. i know i shouldnt regret but i wish i had said something right then and there. but on the way home i do the right thing and tell my mom. long story short she calls up johns mom and explains the situation. my mom then calls up the cops and the next day i give my testimony and so does john and yeaaaa not sure what happened after that. never talk about it after that and it still is affecting me. im not sure why i cant get rid of the feeling of hopelessness sometimes. just sometimes randomly something will remind me of it. idk its weird how this has changed me so much. 😦 *names have been changed*
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J.
Sexual assault effects everyone which is why you are experiencing these feelings. Do you want to talk to someone about it? You can call your local crisi center or go to rainn.org and find someone close to you. It sounds to me like you are ready to talk about it because if know one talked to you since and you haven’t gotten help with your feelings then they are just festering inside you. When you are really upset next time try writing your feelings out as an immediate release. Writing really helps and sometimes people keep a journal to take to their counselor to help determine trigger points and specific ways of coping when understanding your every day of life. Whatever you do, try to find a professional (family & friends can only listen not help you cope) to talk to because it sounds like you’re ready. Stay strong! Lynn
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The biggest girl in my life, (I’ll call her Isabelle) just went through this, and is very afraid about telling people. I’m the only one who currently knows.
Can someone please give me soMe tips as to positive things to say to her that helped and made you feel better so I can try and make her a little more relaxed and feeling more motivated to move on? Thanks 🙂
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L.
That is very nice that you want to help your friend. I would read through my pages to find different ways that can help her cope like writing out her feelings and or find one thing positive for that day and concentrate on it. If she could go to counseling that would be the best and she or you can go to rainn.org and find someone closest to you that is a counselor specializing with rape. Just know that the only thing you can really do for her is be there when she needs you, whether it is just a shoulder to cry on or when she wants to open up about it, but you can’t heal her, only she can heal herself with the help of a professional and that is determined by how much she wants to help herself. The longer she keeps it locked up the longer it will take for her to heal because it will come out at some point and it will affect every aspect of her life now and later if she doesn’t help herself. I have a lot of different ideas on my pages that can help but the best help she can get is from a professional. Thanks for being such a good friend because all survivors need that one person they can turn to 24/7 with no judgment and she is lucky to have you. Stay strong! Lynn
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i need help….. my first rape happened three years ago now. i found out the other week that my father may have been having affairs. it has thrown me into distrust mode and feeling vulnerable. i have been getting flashbacks to the rape, not the violence aspect because my body went into shock or something at that point, but i am just remembering his eyes from when he forced me to look into them. the visual i keep seeing is when i learned to look past them and i see his outlines and just remember the vaulted ceilings of the room. it has triggored my insomnia and anxiety is a constant right now.
i have been with my boyfriend now for almost a year. he knows that i have been raped twice, but not really any details. it is just really hard to talk about. but lately its been effecting our relationship. i am snappy and i know it makes him nervous to think he is doing something wrong. i think the words to say to him but i cant get them to leave my mouth. i am afraid to give him too much information and freak him out.
any suggestions?
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H. Your boyfriend doesn’t need to know the details. But you need to talk about if and you need to do it with the right person, a professional counselor or therapist. Only they can help you the way you need to be helped. All you should expect from your boyfriend is to be your rock when you need it. If you never had counseling then that is why these feelings are all bottled up and I tell everyone the longer you take to get help the longer it takes to heal. You can check with your local crisis center or go to rainn.org and find one near you. Until then for an immediate release if your anxiety is high write out your feelings to get them out of your head. Also, you need to sleep because lack of sleep makes your anxiety 100 times worse. Good sleep is so important. You might even consider going to your physician and asking for anxiety medicine but KNOW that is only a temporary fix to help you cope but it will not solve the issues that counseling will. Stay strong! Lynn
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I was raped 5 years ago by two men on my birthday – Christmas eve. My best friend and I had just moved to Melbourne from Sydney one week prior and we decided to go out to celebrate my birthday.
We drank a LOT and ended up at a club at the casino. A guy kept following me around asking me to give him my number but I didn’t want to. Eventually I asked him to give me his number instead, and he did.
My best friend and I agreed to meet outside when we were leaving because she wanted to go and say goodbye to some people she had met. When I got out of the club I couldn’t find her so I tried to go back in, but because I was so intoxicated, I was barred from going inside. It was at that moment that the guy that had been trying to get my number showed up and asked me if I wanted to go and get something to eat to sober up so I did.
He and his friend drove me to an industrial site around 30 mins away from the city. Obviously I realised something was wrong when we were in the car driving for so long but the driver told me he was dropping his friend home first. I tried to jump out of the car but they had child locked the doors so I was trapped.
When the car stopped at the industrial site I told them I needed to go to the toilet and I got out of the car and ran… as fast and far as I could whilst screaming at the top of my lungs. He caught up to me and grabbed me from behind and pulled me around when I hit him in the face. It was then that he pushed me to the floor and put his thumb over my wind pipe and told me that he “swears to God on his mother’s life that if I do not do what he says he will kill me”.
It was that moment that I surrended. I’m not sure it was even a conscious thought, it was just a reaction/instinct. And from that point I did whatever they said.
The one who threatened to kill me took me into the car and raped me in every way a person can be raped and then he got out of the car, and the other man got in and he did the same. I needed to go to the toilet and because I had run away previously, they told me to go in front of them … one of the most degrading things that I’ve ever had to do.
They then took me back in the car but wouldn’t allow me to put my clothes back on for around 10 minutes while they talked and stared. Then eventually they drove out of the site and the driver took the second one home and then took me to another car park. There he raped me again and again and it was only then I started to cry….(I was scared if I showed that I was afraid, they would kill me).
Finally he drove me to a gas station, made me get out and left me there.
I did go to the police, and the driver did get found. But 5 years later I am still waiting for the trial which is scheduled in Jan 2011 and I feel like I can’t let go of the pain until the trial.
I went to the osteopath today and he told me that I have an exceptionally high threshold for pain – unlike any he’d ever seen and asked me about previous trauma… it’s like I’ve created a fortress with my body and mind to stop me feeling.
He worked on my body and now I can’t stop crying… I just want it to be over. I’m tired. Tired of it affecting everything, tired of it affecting my entire life and all my relationships. I just want to be normal
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I don’t know if I was asking for it or not. I just remeber looking at the ceiling and wanting to do something but couldn’t move. I felt like I was in a nightmare that I couldn’t stop. People know what happened my boyfriend knows and his friends call me a whore, my sister calls me a whore. I don’t want to be one but, I can’t help but to think I am. Everytime when I want to get help or see someone I get this feeling in my chest and I can’t say anything. I’m tired of keeping this in and I want to know was I raped?
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N. You didn’t really tell me what happened but I think I can help you answer your question. You stated you weren’t sure if you asked for it or not and my response is that unless you set out for the day/night and saying “hey I want to be sexual assaulted to night” (which I can’t imagine you did) then you did NOT ask for it. And I am positive the quicker you open up about it the quicker you will heal. It is a process but it will only get as good as the time you put towards it. So please go to rainn.org and see if you can find a counselor in your area so you can get started on the road to recovery and STOP dealing with ignorant people that are calling you such horrible names. Stay strong! Lynn
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My fiancée was recently living with our perceived friend whilst I was away.
I got back to find my fiances back was covered in deep wounds, he had a rash all around his legs and broke down on me.
He had been raped by our “friend” 5 times anal and i don’t know how many times oral. He had also been taken out a whored out to people. He has HIV now and im just not coping. It was a few months ago and the man responsible has been sentenced.
But i feel like my fiance isn’t mine anymore. Hes been marked on his back with massive blade wounds and he has HIV. This happened so many times and by different people to. I didnt know the man who was our “freind” well but he knew my fiances brother. My fiances brother wont forgive himself and i cant either. My fiance wouldnt tell me while i was away because he was watched and under threats that i would be killed if he told.
Im okay about the HIV. ive already taken that burden to close a gap between me and him so now we are both HIV + to be honest the HIV isnt so bad for me to come to terms with. the pills keep it suppressed. I figure i have more chance of dying of cancer, in a car crash all sorts. but i cant cope. i feel he isnt mine. i feel like he was marked by this man and other men. I just feel he isnt mine and its breaking us. Please help
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N. I sure hope you are checking in because the thing I hear coming at e so loudly from you is that you both feel this now defines him (not by any intentional cruel means) and both of you have to wrap your heads around the fact that this doesn’t define your fiance, only the attacker/s. It is difficult I’m not gonna lie but you have to forget about the outside for now and work on the inside now. Your fiance has to want to do this himself because as much as you want to help only a trained professional or someone that has been through it can truly understand as far as the deep healing process. I do have a few things that you can do to help listed in this site but the #1 thing to do is be patient, understand that this is a different person now that needs to be treated with care and grow from going through the experience together. He is broken, all rape victims are, however even though it doesn’t feel like it for a while, we can be put back together and life can be as good if not better but always will be different than we knew before…. Stay strong! Lynn
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Hi, just found this website and thought that I could do with a little comforting. I’m a teacher and today at school I had a disclosure of a child being sexually abused. Without going into any details, it brought up the feeling I had less than two years ago. I was in Ibiza with two friends when we went out at night my dink was spiked and I ended up going to someones hotel room with 3 men. They raped me and filmed me on their phones, they were all over me together and then put me in the shower after. They dressed me and pushed me out the door. They had taken all my money and I didn’t know where I was. I tried walking in any direction but was really disorientated. I asked a shop worker and some passers by for the direction of my hotel. After that, nobody would help me, i phoned my friend, who called my parents. My parents flew me home and here I am now…dealing with this. I have had to go to hospital several times for all the tests and treatments incase of any diseases. My parents have never spoken about this since. I have been wondering if they are coping, also my younger sister. I am in a relationship now but sex life if not really existing. So here I am sat tonight and when I should be doing work i’m worrying about the girl in my class. We called social services but they could not find them at home so I am hoping so badly that they catch them. Many thanks for ready this : )
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L. I hope your student is OK as I hope you are. Both of you need to get counseling especially since it sounds like you didn’t necessarily have a lot of support. Not trying to say anything bad just that you needed more than you rec’d. That’s why I suggest everyone get professional help because only survivors or people trained specifically in dealing with rape don”t understand or know what to do or not to do. This is why you want to help this child because you know both of you need help and you want to give the help you needed at the time as well as now. Go to rainn.org and find a counselor near you or use your EAP program through work which is completely confidential and usually the first couple of visits are free. But be an advocate for this child because they came to you for a reason/ Stay strong and help yourself as much as you want to help others! Lynn
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Hi, i am 35 and i was raped 18 years ago. i never dealt with it i just shut it away and now my world is falling apart. i have three children and since 2 years a great partner but for some reason my past wont let me be happy and it is breaking this family.
i want help i want to be happy .
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L. Well at least now you know you are ready so that is the first step. If you read through any of the posts you will find that most are like you, they would rather try to forget than deal. But as you well know when you don’t deal with it it sticks with you like your shadow and never goes away and alters your life in various ways. So now that you know you are ready take baby steps. Read through “steps in the healing process” and find yourself a counselor to talk to. You can go to rainn.org and try to find someone near you that specializes in rape. Just don’t give up on yourself. You are being very brave to reach out (even though I know sometimes it doesn’t feel like it). Until you can get to a counselor start writing a journal or just write out our feelings & then throw it away but just get it out of your head and onto paper as a release. I often suggest to take your notes to your counselor because it can help them understand your trigger points & they can help with specifics on how to deal with them. You are worth it so take the time & effort to get your life back because the person that did this to you doesn’t deserve to ruin another day! Stay strong! Lynn
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I am the partner of someone who was date raped by two individuals. I have been friends with my partner for years and have just gotten together as a couple. We are quiet young in our 20’s so I don’t meant to sound naïve. The rape happen before we got together. And I want and am going to be fully there for her that isn’t in question. I wanted advice on now to deal with both her and my feelings. She has pushed it to the back of her mind I believe. To be honest I don’t know what my feeling are. I know it was before I started dating her it happened about a year ago. Although I have said I don’t think of any differently which I don’t. It is hard to resent the fact of that day. I fully support her but I want some advice on helping her and deal with my own feelings
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Ross, How admiral of you to take that step, she is very lucky. You may have already had this talk but if not the most important advice I can give to others trying to help the survivor is to understand (all parties survivor/friend/family) that friends & family can not heal the survivor. However they can and should be their rock. So they can help through a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen (if voluntarily) or as seen as protection. The survivor needs to realize that only they can help themselves through professional assistance. So when all parties understand that I feel it brings your family/friends closer because they don’t feel the burden of trying to “make it all better”, but instead they feel “that type of support I can do” and hopefully they will. Whatever happens, professional support for the survivor is a must as well as no judgment from the people that care about her. I personally thank you for caring and reaching out. You help make this world a better place! Stay strong! Lynn
and definitely check out the site for some other good ideas that you can incorporate.
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Hey i’m wondering if you could help me. My best friend came OUT to me about 2 years ago and he was going out with this lad when they went to our local gay scene on a night out. They had an argument and my friend (lets say his names Bob) left him in town, on his way to another bar 2 grown men grabbed him and took him in to a back alley and well……..
He has always been the joker and had a really cheeky attitude to people but i knew there was something wrong with him when he came into work with his arm bandaged and never really spoke to any one. About a week later he finally told me what happened and cried in my arms for over an hour. He was in complete denile for at least 4-7 months after this and took ages to finally face going out to town again. He tryd getting councling for his situation but was told that he needed to “stop putting a front on otherwise i cant help you” by the counsellor.
a year later and he had stayed at friends houses where he can sleep with out fear but when he’s at home he wets the bed. I no longer work with him but we are still very close and i have found out that hes started taken drugs again to “help him sleep” and i found a huge deep cut on his for arm where he slashed him self covered in a bandage. He keeps hitting things and just genraly wont admit that he cant cope with what’s happened to him please i need help on trying to help him. Im there for him so much but i cant cure him all together!!!!
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S. You are right, you can’t cure him. Unfortunately he has to want to help himself but don’t give up. I get what he’s been through and going through but he needs to be seeing a counselor that cares… Go to rainn.org and find a rape counselor closest to you & they are international. I need you to know that you can support your friend & I can tell you love your friend but you need to let go of guilt if he won’t let you help him. Hopefully, he will and some how you can get through to him. Listen I hate asshole counselors like I hate asshole cops but the truth is there are great cops & great counselors too! So we can’t give up on ourselves to get to the counselor that fits us. We’re all different and so are they. I know it’s tough to have to go through it more than once BUT now knowing where I am today I’d go through it with 100 different counselors to know I could be this happy! Stay strong! Lynn
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(Repost with Corrections) Hey I’m a guy btw, I’ve had some experiences of trauma like all these articles say as a child. But I’ve been able to cope with it quite well, until recently I’ve been having nightmares and waking up angry. Mainly I think it’s because of what happen to my girlfriend she was assaulted as well and she told me so a couple of days ago, this was like 3yrs before I met her. And the fact that this happened to her is bothering me, cause I wasn’t there to save her or protect her and it kills me inside, I want to hurt the guy so bad. She had to have an abortion….. I just feel so useless and hopeless again. I really love her with all my heart and I don’t know what is happening to me. My assault doesn’t even bother me at all, but the fact that this happened to someone I know and really love is killing me. I was hoping to get some kinda of answer or support with this I want these feelings i’m having to go away. I just want to move on and forget this ever happened to either of us. I guess I just want to know if its alright to move on and have a normal relationship with each other. I mean I know it is, but I just want to hear it I guess. Thank You for all your time.
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Aug2991, Her admitting her trauma resurfaced yours even though you feel you’ve dealt with it. Let me explain something, we as individuals put on this earth were not wired on “how to deal with rape”, which is why we need to seek professional help. Not trying to say you didn’t do a good job but I can promise you (these posts are the proof) that no one can ever deal with rape without professional help and a lot of hard work. Your anger and feelings are justified but it’s not just because of what happened to her, it’s because of what happened to both of you. Without getting the proper help you both need for yourselves & the relationship it is just a ticking time bomb, which usually goes off at a very bad time not to mention extremely escalated. It will always be the root of your issues and all the other stuff is the little stuff piling on top. You can go to rainn.org and look for a counselor closest to you and I would recommend go separately at first, try and see the same counselor so they can get to know you both, go separately first & then possibly together when you are ready. You will ultimately feel so much better and build a better bond. Stay strong! Lynn
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i cant deal with this in my life i know people say it not my fault but how do i say its not it kills me i feel like i want to kill my self evryday and it gets to me and i cant do anything about iy
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A. You absolutely can do something about it, get to a counselor and start helping yourself. Don’t get me wrong you are absolutely allowed to feel the way you do but I need you to know that you can do something about it. There are people who can help and who want to help. I know you feel very alone, we all do thats why I started this site, but as you can see by the posts, we’re not. Read some of the pages to find immediate things you can do to start to feel better as well as some long term goals. But I need you first to find the number of your local crisis center because you need that number if you ever contemplate hurting yourself. They are anonymous help lines that are available 24/7 to help you if you feel desperate about anything. So please find that # and keep it handy. They can typically recommend a counselor as well if they don’t offer it so check into that. Either way get to a professional immediately. You can go to rainn.org and local the nearest one to you and they specialize in rape counselors. Hang in there and get help you are worth it! Lynn
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I was raped almost two years ago…..and I dont know what to do so I can move on. All anyone ever tells me is that it takes TIME. Which I understand that, but what I need to know is what to do in this TIME. Flashback are so horrible and it feels like it was just yesterday. I have a theripist and a doctor and ive been hospitalized but I feel like the doctors have never put into consideration that what happened to me would cause my depression. Its been two years almost, and not once did the doctors ask how i was dealing with the rape. All they ever did was give me drugs or say that my cutting or my suicide attempts where for attention. I want to live life without having flashbacks that bring me to the floor. So Can you tell me at least something…anything besides that it takes time? Im desperate. -bells
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B. My advice is to switch therapists immediately. If your therapist isn’t getting to the root of the problem and acting like it never happened that is the absolute worst thing for you. A lot of individuals are prescribed drugs for PTSD and I’m can’t contradict your physician but I can tell you that you are correct in the fact the the rape needs to be addressed and dealt with so you know how and can start the healing process. So change therapist and if you don’t know where to start go to rainn.org and look for one near you. It is your right to seek a different medical opinion, so remember that. I promise the sooner you find the right therapist for you the qicker your healing process will begin, so don’t give up! Stay strong! Lynn
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I’m really glad that I found this site, and I’m glad that you are helping people.
I was raped about 3 years ago. He was my boyfriend of about 2 years, and our relationship started getting bad, and he got more and more controlling. He wouldn’t let me leave him after he raped me, and I never told anyone besides my close friend. There is obviously nothing that I can do about it now, but it still hurts me to live with every day. I still remember what exactly happened detail by detail, and its hard thinking that it will never happen again. I’m with a really great guy right now who I plan on marrying, but I still have a fear of getting picked up one night and getting raped. I don’t think the memory of it will ever go away, but I was hopeing of finding a way to accept what has happened, and to especially forgive myself. I blame myself for what happened, even though part of me knows it wasn’t my fault.. the louder part of me thinks it is.
Thanks for everything you’re doing, and I’m sorry for what happened to you..I’m very thankful for people like you. I hope one day I can make peace with myself about what happened.
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J. I can promise you that this was not your fault in any way shape or form. You are one of many this has happened to from controlling men and not a one was at fault, including you. The quicker you believe that deep down in your soul is the quicker you recovery process will begin. And your issue is you’ve held onto it this entire time which is the very first step in healing, truly believing it was not your fault. You have never completely taken the very first necessary step. Another step that is completely necessary is to make sure your boyfriend/soon to be husband knows you are a rape survivor. This is imperative so you find out if he is strong enough to handle it and the sensitivity you may need. However, he need not know all the details just the fact that you are a survivor and you only talk about what you feel comfortable with. And if you’re not in therapy you need to be, you need to take care of yourself if you want any type of successful relationship (including the one with yourself). Stay strong, Lynn
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Well it all started when i was about 7 or so.. anyway i come from a semi big family, basically my mom,dad and older brother. We were all close to our dads brothers side. Uncle,aunt, and 2 cousins. i was always close with my cousins but for some reason i was closer to the 2nd youngest onee he is 4 years older than me, me being the youngest anyway we were always alone either at his house or my grandparents house and i was watching tv wen he came in and started hugging and touching me. At first i thought it was nothin until he started kissing me passionatly.. I was young at the time and didnt know what was happening. All of a sudden he started putting his hand down my pants and he put my hand down his and he started touching my private area and he turned me around and stuck his thing in my bum and it sorta hurt but for some reason it didnt afterward and it felt well…good but i was young so i didnt know, anyway this carried on for a few years and me and him would always use every chance to see eachother and i remember that he would start making me feel good.. Like you know holding me and touching me it felt good but i sorta knew it was bad. when i was about 12 or so i couldnt keep this a secret and i told my mom and she was like omg and then i started crying blaming myself for this but my parents were very supportive and unfortuantly my aunt and uncle didnt show much care for me… I contiuned therapy with counceling but some days i just break down crying and my brother doesnt know about it and neither does my older cousin im now 17 and this still carries on with me and mom and dad said we cant tell your brother because who knows what will happen he might take his life or something and we will loose him. Today i cried and mom knew why and my brother was like wtf is ur problem your such a girl, grow up and be a man.. Mom said to him “you dont have a clue!, and im not gonna tell you” and he said i dont care i dont wana know and my mom is going threw enough pain already she has R.A arthtis and its a serious issue cause you can barly walk and all and today when my brother left i said mom i promise i would never bring it up cause i know we dont want to loose him. We cried together and calmed down but i cant help but think what they are all thinking. My 3 cousins are all like macho and aggressive and im not. Im different and they will never understand that. My oldest cousin thinks im a freak and i dont want anything to do with them which is true because they dont know and they will never know. my moms mom isnt doing well so we have to go bak to England but the brother said im not going if he is cause hes a freak of what he is doing crying and wat not. I feel so damn bad for mom i sometimes regret telling her and should have kept it to mysself but couldnt. I need advice to really forget about this.. Its taking my life away and i dont want any more harm done.
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S. I know how you must feel for your mom but you need to focus on getting yourself better. This is something that literally took away your childhood so I hope you are still in counseling because you and even possible your mother need this. The other thing to tell you is that if you need to cry about it don’t be ashamed, let it out. The more you feel the more room you have to heal, seriously. I know it may come out at bad times but that’s because you held it in for so long and you have trigger points, therapy can specifically help with these. I’m sorry you have to deal with your cousin still but the bright side is that you do have the support of your mother because you wouldn’t believe the stories I hear that they don’t stand by their children. So tell your mom thanks for me. At some point if your brother continues you get too out of line, maybe you could take him to a therapy session and ask the therapist to help you tell him, because that would make it real to him, something he can’t deny if he knows you are getting medical help with it. You don’t have to tell him before hand & if it was me I probably wouldn’t even tell him you were taking him to therapy, just get him there and let the session happen with your parents (or mom). Then I bet he would believe you and would also have the therapist to ask for help instead of harming himself. But don’t forget YOU are first! Stay strong! Lynn
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Hi, just call me BH. I stumbled on this site because I’m having issues in my relationships and everyday life. I don’t really know how to cope with them and I’m kind of scared to go to a counselor. To be honest I don’t want to talk with a stranger, it makes me feel completely awkward. I also want to state that after what I am about to tell you happened no one really believed me or did anything to help me. In fact a lot of people flat out told me it was my fault.
This is my story:
My first semester in college finals were coming up and I had been studying for a week in my room. I was going to be going to a different college the next semester due to money issues. At any rate, I was trying to sell off the stuff I had in my dorm room. My microwave, fridge, ect. Just to get some extra money because my family was having financial issues at this point. This man responded to my poster I had put up at my college right away. (It appeared that locals read the ads on the college boards and tried to buy stuff for a good deal) He contacted me in the early afternoon and said he would meet me outside of my dorm building. He told me what he’d be wearing so I would recognize him. He couldn’t make it till the evening due to work. I told him 6 would be fine. 🙂 All happy about getting some money and finals still on my mind I sort of let my guard down. I waited outside my dorm building…6 turned into 7. So I called and he was waiting for a bus. Buses take a while where I lived so I just decided since it was a sunday night to wait it out. I waited and about half an hour later I saw a man who was dressed the same way. He seemed to be walking around in circles. I thought perhaps this was him, but didn’t want to be too forward so I again waited sitting on the front porch. The man then sat on our stairs which were clearly marked no trespassers or loitering. Only people who lived in the building were allowed to be on those steps. So I said something, because I KNEW he didn’t belong there. He started talking to me and he seemed pretty nice. So I asked him if he was the man who responded to my poster and he said no. So I said okay and minded my own business but he kept talking to me anyway. He seemed pretty nice to talk to and I liked having a buddy while I waited because all my friends were at work or at the mall. So I CONTINUED to talk to him for an hour until the man who was responding to my poster came. The man bought the microwave and when I let him back out of the building the other man, we will call him JOE. well anyway JOE was still there. He looked at me and said ” You’re really selling stuff aren’t you?” I said YES AND I STILL HAVE A TV TOO!” So he said he was interested came up to my apartment looked at it and said he’d get back to me about the tv and other appliances. He called me around 11 that night and said he wasn’t interested but wanted to hang out. I told him I didn’t really want to because it was late and I had school early in the morning. I said it wouldn’t be a good idea. ( boy was I right! ) He made me feel guilty by saying he took off work to hang out with me because he really liked talking to me. I asked him if he worked the night shift and he said yeah. So I ASSUMED since most people worked night shift he did too! I felt bad so I said okay and let him come over. He brought over alcohol. At this point I’m ONLY 19. In fact just turned 19. Haven’t done much with guys ect. So I’m definitely not of age, but most people in college drink anyway. I did too! But not much because I was a light weight. He came over and we were talking again looking up fun stuff on the computer. Everything seemed to be fine and then he pulled out the alcohol so I said okay. I had a drink. With mostly DIET coke in it. Then he noticed I was still normal I guess because progressively he tried to get me to drink more and more. I would go to the bathroom and dump it out. When I walked out I would act like I was drinking it down.
I said okay you have to leave, I have to get up in four hours. He said let’s just watch a movie then I’ll leave. Well I put in the movie and we were watching it. Then he started hitting on me kind of. And at this point the alcohol had made me somewhat tipsy but I still knew what was going on. He started making out with me. Which I was kind of taken back by but my friends in college said I was too…um…PRUDE. So I decided to take a chance like everyone else since I’d be leaving soon anyway. Kissing led a little more to touching and then I made him STOP. He got kind of mad about it but we continued watching the movie. He gave me another drink. I didn’t want it though and declined. He got pretty mad at this point and made me restart the movie because he said he didn’t understand it because of us making out. So I REPLAYED IT. the movie was over and I told him YOU HAVE TO LEAVE NOW. He still wouldn’t leave. This is where things get a little inconvenient. He starts yelling about how YOU DON’T JUST INVITE A GUY UP AND LEAD HIM ON THEN NOT DO ANYTHING! blah blah blah. He started shaking me, grabbing tightly onto my arms. I started crying because he got really scary. And he’s like DON’T CRY and hit me. Then basically he raped me for 2 hours straight without going into much detail. I was crying and saying STOP STOP PLEASE IT HURTS STOP! It hurt so bad, but still he didn’t do anything to stop. He just told me GET INTO IT and it won’t hurt.
Basically he made me believe it was my fault. Then afterward he apologized and said he was sorry. He tried to make it up to me. All I did was, after he left, go to school. I kept saying I have to go to school. I have to go to school to him. When he asked me if I was alright.
I changed my number and was scared for the next few weeks. I did poorly on my exams and didn’t tell anyone but my closest college friends. The one who I was closest with gave me no support whatsoever. I felt so ashamed. I came back home and told my parents who got me checked out. I didn’t have anything thank god but I was so scared. There was blood after he was done with me and I was so swollen for weeks. My grandma died after that. Then my other grandma died TWO months later. I was so devastated from everything. Then i got mono. I didn’t really have time or the energy to even get out of bed. I’m better now. I’m less sick a depressed. It took me until NOW, half way through 2010, to try and put pieces together. I was raped at the end of 2008. Since I sincerely thought it was my fault and no one really told me other wise I kind of hid in the shadows. Especially since every time I liked someone and told them what happened the ran away. It scared them. I felt, I feel very alone. I know I’m not, but I just feel that way. I haven’t gotten it out all the way, but since I don’t know you and this isn’t a face to fact talk it seems easier to explain what happened. I know this is long and I’m sincerely sorry for that. Why have I been looking for help recently you might wonder. Besides reoccurring nightmares, flashbacks, and other issues with day to day life I figured out my attacker, JOE’s, real name. When he was using my computer he left a clue behind I just FOUND. I looked him up on sex offender sites and criminal sites. He has over 14 criminal offenses and has knowingly raped 5 women as well as sexually assaulted a 12 year old. He is still on the streets and I don’t understand why! I was so hurt by him, but I was also scared to report him. I don’t know what I can do now about him, but I am looking for some kind of help to understand what I’m not seeing from my own story. Is there something anyone on this site sees in my story that can help me cope with this or future events. I would really appreciate.
~BH~
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There is a few things I forgot to add. One of which I realized after I wrote that…
I was crying while he was raping me. He eventually after hours stopped, but when he stopped he threw me on the bed. ( he was holding me up into him) Then he made the comment ” I couldn’t even finish because you’re crying so much. What a waste. You weren’t even good.” He only got nicer after he saw blood. My blood.
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BH. First of all let me say that I BELIEVE YOU! Then I need you to believe IT WASN’T YOUR FAULT! I don’t care what anyone else has told you, you need to believe that 100%, because that is your first step to recovery. You had quite a lot to deal with, being young, taken advantage of when you were trustworthy and your close friends not believing you along with finals, that must have been very difficult. The good news is even though it’s been a tough road, here you are, better and ready to look/ask for help. You have to accept it happened, know it wasn’t your fault, know that the past can’t be changed and be willing to help yourself because you will only heal as much as the time and effort you put into it. So be proud that you’ve made it this far but I need you to realize you are ready for professional help. You need to seek a professional counselor/therapist (as hard as it may be) and take baby steps which will eventually turn into bug steps. The other thing to let you know is since you found out about him & he left a clue on your computer, if you want to you can report him. They might not be able to fully prosecute without more evidence, but if he has a record I’m sure someone in the law inforcement would want to know, at least I would hope so. That might be all they need to put him away, you never know. I just suggest that if you feel it is upsetting you that you didn’t report OR just any issues like not sleeping cause you know he’s out there. Even though they almost never come back, if that makes you feel better. Most rapists that don’t know you will assume you’ve reported and stay away. Do whatever you feel best with because you are the most important here. I hope your parents supported you and trust me I know it hurts when you really find out who your true friends are or aren’t! Now because of this unfortunate circumstance I really need you to be more aware of your surroundings and don’t just trust people because you can be trusted. It’s sad that we are raised to trust others until they give us a reason not to, but now we need to be more pro-active and unfortunately can’t trust until people give us reason to trust them, and that goes for everyone, including strangers & friends. I would also recommend you taking a self- defense class it truly helps with the feelings of helplessness. If you are not ready to go to a counselor (which you will at some point in your life I promise – so why not do it sooner than later, especially if you want to have a strong relationship w/a man again) then until you are ready write a journal. Write in it every night as a release of all the built up feelings & then when you are ready take it to the counselor, so they can see your specific needs and triggers. Next I hope you have at least one good friend that you can turn to 24/7 (even if that ends up being a family member). You need to have this person to support you unconditionally with no judgment & be there for you whenever you need them. HOWEVER please let them you do not expect them to heal you because you understand they can’t (this takes the pressure off them when they feel helpless because they can only do so much), you know it is up to you to heal yourself and all you expect from them is an ear to listen (when ready) and a shoulder to cry on or to give a hug when needed or just watch tv with. Let them know that is all you expect from them & when you are ready you will help yourself with professional counseling. If you go to rainn.org you can find a professional closest to you that specializes in rape. If you go somewhere else that’s fine too but get the counselor you feel comfortable with, sometimes it takes going to more than one, so don’t give up. I personally was lucky and found one the first time. That’s why I say go through rainn.org if you can. I hope I’ve helped some. Stay strong cause YOU ARE WORTH it. Lynn
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I was 14 when I was raped and I remember thinking after it happened, WHY ME? WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS? I remember bleeding so bad and I was one of the lucky ones. I didn’t die or anything. It was so hard because I live in such a small community that when it came out that this guy had raped me they blamed it on me. It got to the point to were police falsed information in the report because his uncle paid them all. I went and still go through hell because it got out. I wasn’t going to ever tell anyone because I myself was so ashamed of it. To this day and I am 17 now wake up in sweat having nightmares of it replay in my head. He didn’t even get put in jail. He got 10 years of probation. He lives 20 mins. away from me and I see him everyday. He waves to me too. My father does his best not to murder him and so does my mother. But not a day goes by I don’t think about it. I can be in the mist of a happy moment and think about it. Why some men and even women feel the need to do such a horrible thing. I do not know. Friends have told me to forget about it and let it go. You can’t. It is impossible. Going through something like this stays with you forever. Yes you do need to learn to cope and tell yourself it wasn’t my fault, but it can be very hard sometimes. Writing and speaking with other girls helps me. I feel like I can tell someone who went through the same thing everything about myself. I have spoke in front of crowds because of it. Being raped was so hard. I still just don’t understand….why?
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BSF*JWJ, I commend you for speaking in front of crowds and yes that is a release BUT what you need because you feel so ridiculed from this trauma is personal counseling so they can concentrate on exactly what is happening to you. You can go to rainn.org to find one closest to you that specializes or see if you have a local crisis center. I would also consider moving when you are of age BUT ONLY AFTER you have started counseling. Do you have any friends that live out of the area that you could move with in the next year or so? Because seriously seeing him on a daily or almost daily basis would give me that anxiety all over. You also should think of taking self defense classes either way. Are you thinking of going to College somewhere out of town.. That is a possible new start too. However, you need the counseling immediately to help you cope now and deal on a daily basis. If you know writing and speaking out helps you (like it did me) then start with writing out your feelings everyday, good or bad just as a release. You don’t have to keep it or you can and take it to your counselor so they can understand specifically your trigger points and work on those directly and quickly. Just know that you will only heal as much as the work you put into it. It sucks that we have to do all the work but I promise you it is worth it when you have control of your life and mind back. Stay Strong! Lynn
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2 1/2 yrs ago I was forced against my will to have sex with my boyfriend. We had dated for a few months and it was very rocky. I didn’t feel comfortable being naked in front of him and when id be in the shower, he would appear in there with me. I got to where I couldn’t trust him. He was always mean, called me his “weekend girlfriend.” I was so ignorant to that. He always wanted sex every waking moment we were together. I hated it. I wanted a boyfriend not a sex toy. But I thought he was popular and thought id be more popular being with him. It got to the point where I was afraid to break things off with him cuz he always threatened me.
Anyway. One night I was having a few drinks with some friends and he called and wanted to pick me up. I was mad at him over something and he said he was sorry and wanted to make it up to me. So I believe him. One of my gf’s threw me to the ground that night and told me I wasn’t leaving with him. I fought with her and ended up leaving with him. He took me to his house, threw me on his bed, and as I screamed and fought, raped me on his own bed. He didn’t wear a condom that night and I’m not sure how I didn’t end up pregnant. He dropped me off at the end of his road and left me there. This is out in the middle of the woods, middle of the night on a gravel road over a mile from blacktop. He told me he would do it again if I told. No cell phone service I walked in the dark into town. Called my gf to come pick me up.
Anyway, only 2 people know what’s happened to me. And they don’t even know any of these details. I’ve never talked to anyone about it hoping the pain would go away. I don’t know who to talk to but I’m about to lose it. I’m scared to death of the dark, I’m extremely jumpy over everything, my blood pressure is outragious, I can’t trust anyone, I’ve gained so much wait from wanting to do nothing but eat, I’m so depressed, I hate myself, and I cry all the time. I have a great bf right now who I’ve been seeing for a lil over a yr. He wants to get married here in the next few yrs. I would be so honored to marry such a great man like himself. However, I feel there’s demons I need to get rid of before I take many more steps in my life. My issues have affected our relationship.
I don’t know who to go to but I want someone to talk to. I feel ashamed and embarrassed to talk to him about it. But its tearing me apart inside. Some nights I lie awake crying and talking to myself about it. My bf knows it happened but I know he doesn’t know how much it still affects me to this day. I’m not sure what he would think. Sometimes I feel like if he knew how I felt, he may understand some of my thoughts and feelungs better but I don’t know how to tell him. I’ve gotten to a point where I don’t want to be here anymore some days. I don’t know where to turn.
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S. D. Go to rainn.org and look for a counselor trained in this who is closest to you. That is a start. I don’t know how much you want or need to tell your new boyfriend because depending on how you’re handling it, depends on how it affects your relationship and from what you’ve told me, you’re not handling it well. So take it to a professional. Especially now that you are ready and want to move onto a successful relationship. Kudo’s for you! I tell everyone your demons are like your shadows, you can never out run them. The only way to take control or get rid of your demons is to face them head on and deal with them appropriately, in your case, counseling. If you don’t get anywhere with rainn you see if you have a Crisis Center in your area that could refer you, if not offer counseling. Until then, start a journal and every time something effects you write it down and what brought it on, that way when you get to a counselor you can be specific and ask specific questions. Stay strong and good luck! Lynn
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Thanks Lynn. For your advice. I did contact a crime watchers site, but they have assured me that the man who did this to me has been incarcerated since 2009. And Has Life unless he gets out on good behavior…then he will have a parole officer. I guess he raped another girl in Virginia a while ago and went to court a few weeks before he met me.
My fiance is also my best friend so he is there for me. 🙂 No matter what. I’m lucky to have found such an amazing guy. ^_^ I’m going to try your Journal advice and then seek a counselor Thanks Again.
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I was 11 when my brother began sexually assulting me. I remember how confused I was, I couldn’t understand what was going on. All I know is that for the next 3 years of my life I lifed through hell. I was raped/assulted almost everyday. I blame myself for letting it go on so long and never having the courage to stand up and tell someone. One time though I did try to stop it, I jumped up off the bed and began running toward the door but he caught me and threw me down and began choking me. I remember thinking why would my own brother do this to me, and how couldn’t anyone realize what was going on. I became a diffrent person after it started I became angry with every one and often went off on people for no reason. I tried to kill myself twice, and began cutting reguraly. I also began using drugs thinking that it would numb the pain, biggest mistake. A year ago when I was 15, I finally decided to tell my parents what had happened, because I needed help, but what I got was the complete oppisite, neither of my parent’s would believe me and insist that I am lying. For some reason this only made me feel more guilty about everything that has happened. I have PTSD and often times I relive the moments over and over again, but I have no one to talk to about it which only seems to be making things grow worse. And it only makes it harder that I have to live in the very place that the attacks happened. I ask myself everyday why, but I don’t think I will ever honestly know. I am trying to move forward with my life, but it’s still something that haunts me every day.
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A. If you are in school why don’t you try going to the school guidance counselor and talking to them. They can’t by law discuss with anyone else and can offer counseling ideas as well understand if you’ve had any major issues with your grades. You can also go to rainn.org which is anonymous (or call the 800#) and they can help direct you with info and see if they can recommend a counselor who specializes and can work with you on the money because you aren’t working. Check also for a local crisis center, also anonymous and you can tell them your entire dilemma (since it totally anonymous) and they can help you figure out exactly what you can do and tell them your parents don’t believe you! Do you have any other family members that you could possible go live with, the farther the better. Something to consider. And if all else fails and you feel scared for your safety you can call 911 and let authorities know, and don’t hesitate because that is not a good environment for you to be in. Can you try and get to a doctor to treat your PTSD, because that would help and maybe you could even confide in the doctor, or even try a free clinic, and tell them everything, they can maybe get you free counseling and help. Just don’t think you don’t have options because you do and just because they don’t believe you proves there own ignorance. Just help yourself because it looks as if they aren’t, just don’t give up because you are worth it! Try and stay strong! Lynn
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When I was fourteen, I was raped twice by my boyfriend (who was sadly two years older than me), who raped me with his hands. I have sudden flashbacks to these moments that leave me unable to move and either result in my having trouble breathing or just sobbing. After the rape, he went back to his home (in another country) and I was in severe denial for months afterward. Then, I don’t know if something he said triggered memories, but all of a sudden it all came rushing back and I just stopped talking to him. The fact that he did not attempt to contact me after I randomly stopped talking to him says something, which also truly hurt for a while. I remember being upstairs and him demanding that I take off my pants. I told him no many times, childishly thinking back to health classes (“just say no”), but I was becoming more and more afraid. He asked me again and was nearly on top of me and he sounded really angry so I finally took them off. I don’t think I’ve been that scared. He proceeded to rape me and I remember just staring at the ceiling and just concentrating on breathing and not passing out. It hurt, and he knew it, and he didn’t care afterward. He just moved away and turned on the tv. Something similar to this happened a few days later. My brain just must’ve blocked it out after the first time, and again after the second time. The second time he just undid my pants, but again he was almost completely on top of me. Actually, now that I think about it, since this is the first time since that I have really, really tried to think about it, I think his hand was on my mouth and I was crying. I was just a kid! I hardly knew what sex was! He was sixteen, and visited from another country. What makes this worse is the rapes happened in the home I still live in now (I just turned 17) and so I sometimes have days where everything in my house reminds me of the rapes. I have three younger siblings so I try very, very hard to keep it together. My family did not understand why I dropped contact with him and still to this day bring him up every now and then despite me asking them to not do so, as it causes such an overwhelming emotional response that it HURTS to try and keep myself together in front of them. I am the oldest child, so my parents are still not comfortable even talking about the word KISS let alone knowing that I was raped. I did not start coming to terms with my rape until I read the book SPEAK by Laurie Halse Anderson. It helped a lot and I try to keep that book in mind when I am having especially hard days. I have tried to tell two people who have not talked to me since because of it. Shortly after the rape my best friend at the time also had a really random and extremely upsetting “break-up” with me and still makes me miserable when she can. The two of them are tied together in my mind, so seeing her around school or having to deal with her treating me badly does usually end up triggering more reactions towards the rape. My problem is I think I am finally starting to heal from the rape when I suddenly am overwhelmed by it and end up having to start the process over again. My trust in people has shattered and a result of this is a complete lack of a social life. I literally have not done anything outside of school with a friend in over a year, and that makes me feel like, for lack of a better word, a “loser”, and I know deep down it is because of the rape and it just makes me feel worse. There are some moments where I feel so extremely depressed that I feel suicidal and some days that I feel so anxious that I cannot focus on anything. The fact that I have already gotten two horrifying responses from “friends” over a year ago makes me even more afraid to tell someone who really, truly counts, such as family. I know my rape is not as horrible and terrifying as others, and it sometimes makes me feel selfish for being so emotional about it, and then I just feel like an idiot because every type of rape is traumatic. I am so torn in many different places. I am leaving for college next summer and I feel extremely frightened thinking about having to be on my own (aside from the normal leaving-home anxieties for kids my age). Sometimes I cannot help but search for the rapist on facebook, just to see, as if exposing myself to him every now and then will help be stronger. However, I don’t know if this is healthy or not. It causes an overwhelming emotional response, but sometimes it feels like I am becoming less afraid of HIM. Other times it’s the opposite. I stopped doing it after I saw in his picture that he had a girlfriend, and I nearly had a panic attack at the idea that he is with another girl who also seems much younger than he is. I know I am probably ranting but this is the first time I have been able to speak about it, and I am realizing after speaking so openly about this how confused I am about all of it, and how I think I am hurt deeper than I ever thought I was. On a somewhat stupid sidenote, he has a very, very common name, and I can’t help but suddenly get swept by a wave of terror whenever I hear his name (movies, tv, randomly on the street, in school, etc.). I am exhausted and feeling hopeless. I know I should be a survivor and not a victim and I truly try to keep that mentality up but it’s honestly very difficult. I don’t know what to do. About any of this. I don’t think my family could afford therapy for me, if they were to ever know.
My prayers to all of the others that have posted on here, and my sincere thanks to those who have posted kind messages back to them. It is truly sad how many people have rape stories to share. It shouldn’t be that way.
a.w.
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AW. The first thing you need to do is stop caring about others before yourself. You need to take care of yourself through counseling and that will help determine the best way for you to approach/handle future situations. Do you have a local crisis center, they are anonymous and you can tell them your situation and they can refer you or maybe even offer counseling there, which are a minimal if any fee to you. If you are in school do you have a guidance counselor you can confide in? You can go to rainn.org (worldwide) or call their 800 # (also anonymous) explain your situation and they can help direct you to a counselor in your area and help with questions you may have. But whatever you do DON’T contact him or put yourself out there for him to see you, this is NOT healthy and only puts you in harms way again. Rape is about control and if he thinks you’re playing he will bring it on strong to prove his control so PLEASE stay away as far as possible. I bet this wasn’t his first time and almost guaranteed not the last so the farther away you are the better. I know you want him to think you’re not scared, but the biggest way for him to realize that is when you don’t care about him and he doesn’t even cross your mind. That is when he knows he can’t control you and gives up, because you are in control and he has no part of that. Eventually with enough hard work you will truly believe it. Stay strong! Lynn
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Hi Lynn,
First of all, thank you for this site. It’s nice to not feel so alone, and to see others receive support they so deserve.
I was assaulted when I was fourteen/fifteen. I’m twenty-nine now and started intensely struggling with all of this two years ago. I thought I was over it. After it happened, I think I went into a denial of sorts, forgetting the entire assault completely until I was nineteen, when Tori Amos’ “Me and A Gun” reminded me of the event (it was a stranger attack in a car in broad day-light, while I was waiting for my mother to finish doing some-thing at the primary school my sister attended. It took less than twenty minutes and I never told any-one. In fact, we drove to the skating rink to practise for competition as planned that day, while I questioned what had happened the entire drive there. Being new to the country after escaping war, and very naïve about boys, I was extremely confused and didn’t have the support system to tell any-one about what had happened. At the very least, I didn’t think it was nearly as much of an emergency as the years my family and I had spent running and hiding during the war). I remember during the drive to the rink, my mum and sister were singing to Mariah Carey’s “Without You” while I was trying not to say any-thing about the physical pain I was in. I also remember learning how to do a back Camel-spin that day and skating my programme twice. Those are practically the last solid memories I have of those years. I don’t remember much more about my school years, other than two occasions where the same substitute teacher touched/made inappropriate remarks about me, and experiencing intense anxiety/shyness in classes (some-thing I struggled with as a child and still struggle with to-day, and the reason that particular teacher had kept me after class on both occasions). I also remember spending a lot of time alone on the ice or in dance/acrobatics studios, and a lot of time counting calories or bingeing/purging alone at home. I think I hid behind the façade of a skater/dancer/aerialist for a long time and some-how became just those things and nothing else out-side those arenas, if that makes any sense at all.
At nine-teen, I had a few flash-backs which sent me into complete and utter paralysis for a little while. I refused to leave the house and spent months just watching television or surfing the Internet or baby-sitting my coach’s kids at my place, all the while secretly struggling with bulimia. I then managed to forget it had happened again, and re-applied to university after having dropped out at eighteen. By that time, I was dancing quite a bit more and was with a school I adored, so between classes and spending time with fellow dancers, I spent my time in the here-and-now, rather than stuck in the past. I was going non-stop, dancing/attending university classes from 8.30 a.m. – 5.30 p.m., then going to my part-time job before going home and crashing for a few hours and starting all over again the next day. having such a packed scheduled both forced me out of the house and stopped me from thinking too much.
At twenty-two, my father was diagnosed with cancer, which subsequently forced me to quit university once again, and spend my time taking care of him while also working a part-time job in the evenings when mum was home. The cancer killed him a week before my twenty-sixth birth-day, and I was forced to take care of every-one else and completely keep my-self together (never cried, as it was expected of me to remain strong since I wasn’t as close to him as the rest of the family. I am also not one who cries at all, so it was a natural assumption I would keep my composure). A year after my father passed away, I saw an episode of ER that suddenly flooded me with the intense memories of the assault yet again, accompanied with the guilt and body-memories that had caused me to lock myself in my flat years earlier. By this time, I had also started working with a department that deals with abused/neglected child cases, so I was already having a hard time, and these memories completely destroyed me.
I started therapy for issues related to anxiety last year, as I was working a full-time job and couldn’t afford to just lock my-self away again, especially since I wanted to be there for the youth who counted on my department. The guilt over my father’s death, over the assault, the way I treated every-one as a teen, etc., just kept coming in waves and wouldn’t stop, and the anxiety became so intense because of it, I seriously considered going through with my suicide plans. At the same time, all the years I had spent taking care of my father have become complete blanks in my mind, with memories at time re-surfacing if I see some-thing or some-one who reminds me of him and those days.
I’ve been in therapy for nearly a year now, and haven’t managed to tell my therapist about this. In fact, if any-thing, I keep so much of the conversation on the surface level that it has to be just as frustrating for my therapist as it is for me. I don’t do feelings and she has tried hard to create space for me to feel safe and tell her more about my past and my-self, but I just feel so disgusting, I can’t imagine her not kicking me out if I do tell her these bits about my-self. I keep promising myself I will tell her at the up-coming session, then wimp out again, and go home frustrated with my own inability to be strong and just deal with it. Two years ago, I also started struggling quite a bit with my health (pneumonia twice; bronchitis four times; constant colds, getting tested for MS — which I thankfully don’t have — and, finally, being diagnosed with four slipped disks in my C-spine and two in my L-spine, which eventually led to a complete cessation in exercise in February 2010 until I recover). No exercise means more anxiety. The only exercise I have now is yoga, which will at times send me into panic attacks if I attempt certain asanas (and, which led to me nearly kicking one instructor when she tried to correct my alignment in a particularly vulnerable pose). I feel as though the only way I survived all those years was due to exercise, so not being able to have that release has caused a complete emotional shut-down. Yoga also preaches focusing on the self and being “gentle to the body” and “patient” with one-self, which, combined with therapy, is bombarding me with this message of focusing on my-self for the first time, rather than every-thing/every-one else. It’s not goal-oriented and the instructor I have is very adamant about going at your own pace, rather than forcing your body into the poses, no matter the pain (which is what my coaches drilled into my head all those years). Focusing on my-self or trying to “listen to my body” only brings up more anxiety, so I don’t know if it is a good idea to continue attending classes, except it’s the only exercise (a.k.a., only link to sanity) I currently have. I always assumed yoga would decrease anxiety symptoms, but was astonished to find the silent/quiet poses actually accomplish the exact opposite. A Savasana is nearly impossible for me to do.
I guess part of my question is (I’m sorry for being so long-winded, and digressing so many times), what are the chances I’m making up the entire assault ? I mean, is it possible to forget some-thing for four/five years, then suddenly remember it again, only to forget about it yet again ? I know kids can and often do forget traumatic events, but teen-agers…? I know I have struggled with this as far as my father’s illness is concerned (blanking out years of what he went through), and have very few memories of the war during my child-hood, so is it possible I just became good at ‘forgetting’ traumas as they happened ? I question the authenticity of that, but it seems as though I just deny until I forget most of the time. I’m afraid my therapist will think I’m lying if I tell her any of this. It doesn’t sound real to me as I write it. I don’t think I have ever really thought about the entire event, other than focusing on the bits that made it my fault, and scrutinising every decision that led to it. The entire time it was happening, he whispered in my ear I wanted it, that I was being a good girl and a sl*t, and had asked for it be-cause I had opened the car door a second time. What if I really did ask for it or “wanted” it ? What does that say about me as a person ? Another problem is that I’m intensely private as a person, and the idea of sharing some-thing so personal with any-one else causes yet more anxiety (just writing it here, to an anonymous person over the Internet, is impossibly difficult). Is there any way to get over that ? I mean, if it happened, it happened fourteen/fifteen years ago, so why am I suddenly struggling with it so much more now ? Why would any-one even care about some-thing that happened so long ago ? Most of all, how can I get over some-thing I don’t completely remember or believe my-self, and have such a hard time articulating ?
I’m tired of living life on pause, but also tired of thinking about the implications that will result in another person (even if she is a therapist) finding out about this. I have never been weak or vulnerable in front of another person, so I’m terrified of suddenly seeming that way in front of her. I still feel like that kid who got attacked, and feel as though I got stuck at that age and never grew up, but want to go on with life and do what I want to do, rather than settle for what is safe and secure and familiar. Is there any-thing that can help me forget about this forever ?
I apologise again for such a long post.
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R. No apologies necessary as that is what the website is all about, your feelings and letting them out. First if you haven’t taken a chance to read through some of the other posts, please do so because you will find out that you are not alone in your feelings or that there is no time frame in dealing with them. You will also find out that most people who go through this try their very best to block it out or forget about it and move on, unfortunately you have to deal with it in order to heal and the more you let out the more room you have to heal. That being said, I too can block out past bad experiences and I do to this day, but I deal with them first and then I forget and let them go. As if they were a bad nightmare and now I have awaken to a better life. My suggestion is to copy what you wrote here on your post to me and take it to your counselor and let her read it. Or you can send it to her via email or regular mail and let her know this is what the deal is. I GUARANTEE she is not going to throw you out, pass judgment or anything negative. Because once she knows what she is dealing with she can lead you down the right paths of recovery. Once she know your triggers she can specifically help with that, but she can’t help you unless you are brutally honest. That is her job and until you tell her the truth (and she IS the one to tell) she will never be able to put the puzzle pieces together, do you understand? You are incredibly brave and strong, but that doesn’t mean you can’t cry. I think you need a big huge cry and stop being so strong for everyone else and realize you have deep rooted issues and you are sensitive too. This does NOT make you weak, what it does is puts you in touch with your emotions. Everyone is capable of crying whether or not you see it. I bet the day you do it will be long and hard and more importantly deserving AND I know you will feel better. Either way you are going about things the correct way even though I know you don’t feel like it. You took charge and are in therapy, you even tried yoga, these are all good things, trust me. What you shouldn’t do is think these feelings can be buried under exercise or work, because I promise they will surface (as you already know) and it will affect future relationships with EVERYONE. So even though it isn’t easy come clean with your therapist. Another immediate release is to write out your feelings in a journal or just write them out and throw it away, just to get them out of your head and onto paper. But I suggest until you feel comfortable with actually talking to your therapist, write out your thoughts and give them to her in writing, ESPECIALLY this post. I don’t understand why you think know one would believe you OR why you think this is your fault. The first step to recovery is realizing it wasn’t your fault and you were naive and taken advantage of. Otherwise, that means everyone that opened a car door is asking for rape and you know that isn’t the case, so now you just have to believe it! Rapists know their pray and it isn’t about you it is about taking control. So stop blaming yourself and put the blame where it belongs on the rapist. And the reason you MUST tell your therapist is so this can STOP controlling your life. this person has controlled your life, thoughts, feelings all of this time and doesn’t deserve another second. This was his fault NOT yours and you did nothing wrong to ask for it, NOTHING! So if you want this to be the first day of the rest of your new & improved life, tell yourself NO MORE! Leave it up to Karma to take care him and take care of yourself now. You can have a much better life than you’ve had these past years but YOU have to do something about it other than running from it. You are worth it and always have been. Stop putting others in front of you and put you in the front of the line! Once you break through that barrier you will be calmer, happier and look forward to the rest of your new life, I promise! Stay strong! Lynn
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I have never posted anything on line before, i have never had the courage to really come out and speak or write about what I went through. I was raped just over two years ago, i was lucky that it got through the courts relatively quickly and that there was enough evidence that he got found guilty and sentenced and is now serving time in jail for what he did to me. He is also the father of my 5 year old son. The “rape” that happened on that one particular day 2 years ago is only a snippet of what he did to me, i was subjected to over 5 years of his control both psychologically and physically. Not a day goes by that it doesn’t affect me. I am a different person becasue of it. I am fine in the sense that i live my life, i have achieved a lot, i get the feeling that people look at me and think how great i have done, how far i have come, but no one understands the emptiness inside and the front i put up to pretend i am okay. Everything that happened to me has a terrible stigma attached to it, no one ever talks about it, its like it never happened. Everyone just thinks i am fine. But i know i have not dealt with it. It is just eating away at me inside, and one day i guess it will all come out. You are really lucky if you have friends and family who support you.
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KD, You too can have support and it sounds like you really want and need it. Thank you for sharing your story with me and being so courageous to do so. I don’t think I have to tell you that keeping it all locked up inside after years of abuse is helping you. By you outreaching to me tells me you are ready to deal with it and start the healing process. How good did it feel to write out those words. You have nothing to be ashamed or scared of, as you are showing me so much strength just by your post. So now take that inner strength and find either a professional one on one counselor or even a support group because I promise there you will get the support you need. In group you will build life long friendships with people that do understand and you don’t feel like an outcast with and more importantly you can share the real KD with and not be judged. I just jumped out of an airplane with my support group and that is something I never thought in a million years I would do but I did and it was amazing. And to be honest I don’t think I could’ve or would’ve with anyone else. Call your local crisis center and either see if they have counseling there or can refer you. Go to rainn.org and find someone close or even if you have a health plan pick a therapist from there. Just go get it and stop feeling so alone because you are not. You need to get your life back for you and your son, because you both are worth it! Stay strong! Lynn
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Lynn,
Thank you so much for your supportive and encouraging reply. I’m not sure if I’m ready yet to show this post to my therapist yet, but do like the idea of E-mailing it to her when I am able to let someone in real-life know about what happened.
You’re right though — until I can get myself to believe I didn’t cause this to happen, and until I force myself to share it with someone, I will not be able to move on and will give him permission to continue running my life. Writing about it on here allowed me to breathe for the first time in fifteen years, so I will definitely take your advice and at least start writing more often to get the thoughts out of my head.
Thank you, once again, for taking the time and posting such a thoughtful response. It is very much appreciated. Take care.
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Um…hello. I’m 15 years old, and a guy. I don’t know exactly where to start but…recently I was raped by someone. I was walking home from a friends house at about 11 pm, it was about a 30 minute walk. About halfway there I noticed that a car had been taking the same path I had. Trying not to look too much into it, I kept on walking home. After a bit the car seemed to have left, so i decided to take the quick route through some alleyways. As I was walking I noticed that a man was following not too far behind me so I started to walk faster. Then he started to run at me, so I ran away as fast as i could but…he was faster. He grabbed me and pinned me down on the ground. i tried to yell but i was so scared my screams came out as whispers. He undid my pants and…well..yeah. After raping me he left me there on the ground, crying, ashamed. I went home after that and took a shower, it did nothing. I’ve been trying to suppress this memory but after 2 weeks it won’t stop haunting me. I can’t even look at myself anymore, it just disgusts me how i was a tool for his pleasure. I’ve never told anyone yet, I don’t know if I can. My dad, I don’t know if he would be able to look at me. And my mom would make a huge deal of this, telling everyone. I don’t want to tell anyone, i don’t want people to know, they would hate me. I think maybe my sister noticed something is wrong, she always did love me. I cry whenever i see her smile at me. I don’t know why. It just hurts so badly.
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B. Go to rainn.org and find a counselor near you or see if your local crisis center has counselors there they can recommend, and the sooner the better. Do you have a school counselor you can talk to? You need someone to talk to so they can be there for you. You can NOT suppress it, and I think you know that now. The longer you wait to get help, it will take that much longer to be able to deal with it. You should not be ashamed (I understand and had the same feelings) but you did nothing wrong, put the shame where it belongs on your attacker. That being said I know when you are able to do that you aren’t going to run around and tell everyone, but once you realize and believe that it isn’t your fault you will be more able to open up and get the help you need. At such a young age, this is very impressionable on you and your future so please get professional help from someone. And if you have a close friend, maybe your sister, that you can trust open up to them and let them know you trust them not to tell anyone. Let them know that you need them to be your rock when you are weak. But you need to know and so do they that you don’t expect them to make it all better, only you going to a professional counselor can do that. That way they don’t feel helpless in your healing process. But you do need that one person that you can turn to 24/7, even when you go to counseling. Just remember, it isn’t your fault and you are not alone. Stay strong! Lynn
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I was recently raped by my grandfather and now im unsure of how to deal with it… Im heartbroken and feel like a big part of me is missing… Him and i were very close and he took advantage of it…. i hate him and am going crazy bout it. …. thinking irrational thoughts and such. im starting to scare myself
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C. I’m so sorry you are going through this. You need to stay away from him to make sure it doesn’t happen again, which is common when someone is raped by family members because rape is about control. Once they have it they will push you to see if it can happen again, if it does then they know they have control over you and it typically continues so STAY AWAY! Do you have a family member you can turn to? You need to talk to someone about this AND I would recommend taking a self defense class so you have control over your own body not anyone else. You need to get to a professional counselor asap! You can go to rainn.org and find the nearest one to you, please do it as this is something you will definitely need and the longer you wait the longer it will take before you start to be able to deal and feel better. Hopefully you have someone you can talk to immediately but if not write out your thoughts as a release. It will help you to sleep better and control your thoughts. Please get the help you need and deserve! Stay strong! Lynn
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hello Lynn, long time.
a lot has been happening since i last read or wrote to you. and i dont know where to start.
suddenly a lot doesnt make sense, and all these questions that i cannot find answers to, crop up in my mind and kind of distract me.
i have a new job, infact i changed positions in the company i am working at, i failed my exams which i took the studies to try to keep busy or something, i feel like failing the exams is no big issue to me, like it doesnt really matter, i put in some money, fortunately i have to re-write the exams in october 25th. i have not started reading or preparing for them and its worriesome when at this time someone has not even started looking at her books and papers.
men have been approaching me, like they will never stop anyway. i am just afraid to move on. though there is someone i spend some time with, we watch movies, we cook, we laugh a lot, and talk. but i cannot talk to him about any of this. i am scared of opening up.
my friend who has been or who knows it all, Dan, the guy who helped me and supported me through it all, has moved on, and i kind of like miss him, i need to talk but there is no one there. i am due for tests, and i have this feeling that i cant face this alone.
my periods have been ok since march, but then this month they have been re accuring, like i am having them for the third time now. and they are so painful and heavy. i dont understand now.
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D. Thanks for keeping in touch! I truly believe that the reason you seem to be going backwards is because you are not releasing when you need to. If you can’t tell this new guy then you MUST at the very least start or continue to write a journal to get all your thoughts out of your head and building up. You obviously needed that release you had with your last friend and now that he is gone, you aren’t getting it. Your head is letting you know this is important and you must deal with it. did you ever get any counseling? If not you need to because remember even a friend you are able to open up can’t help with the healing process that your mind and body needs to get through this in a positive way. If there are no resources (but I bet there are if you look hard enough) you MUST do the journal. If and when you can get to counseling you can even take the journal to determine what your triggers are. This type of stress can also effect your periods, fyi. Hopefully when you start writing and you can get that release of feelings, you will be able to study. I promise you it will help even if it doesn’t feel like it, don’t give up keep trying because YOU ARE WORTH IT! Stay strong! Lynn
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I was not raped but someone I love so much was.. But I am in shock and scared and do not know what to do. I just found out 2 hours ago the man I live with and love, we have been together for the last 6 months, was raped when in jail last november for a non violent crime. He was raped in the shower. I have feelings of fear, fear that even though he was tested 2 months after it happened, that I was exposed to hiv. I am angry, even though I understand on some level why he did not tell me, that he would have sex with me without getting retested at the 6 month mark. But I am more horrifed and hurt for him. This explains so much in his behavior and fear of everything. His insomnia, his drinking. I dont know what to do for him, I dont know how to handle this for the best for him and for me. I dont know who to talk to. I have not even read this site…I just needed to get this out of my head and ask someone to tell me what I can do for him. I love him very much, and I do not want to make this worse, even tho I am scared for myself. Any advice is welcome. If it was one of my female friends I would have them talk, but he is already so shut down, he is so angry. He wont talk. I asked him about going to therapy and he won’t answer.
He deserves to get thru this. Any advice on how to help him I would be very thankful.
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D. the only help you can give him is emotionally which is awesome, BUT that won’t get him through it completely. Emotional support is 25%, the professional support is 75%. If he doesn’t get tested for HIV you still need to and it must be done every 6 months for a min of 2 years, fyi. For him even longer I would suggest 3 years. I have seen men and women and they all feel the same ashamed and horrified. It’s not about your sex it’s about the actions that took place and the person has been violated. Show him this site, not necessary to tell him about our post just say you found it on the internet and hopefully it can help him in an anonymous way. If at all possible go to rainn.org and find a professional nearest to you if he does decide to open up. It will all need to come out sometime but it is a known fact that men are more stubborn with their feelings, which means when they do come out they are worse than just crying and being upset, it can get physical and most likely not to the person they mean to. So keep that in the back of your head if you feel he is getting outta control of blowing things up worse than they need to be BUT don’t judge him just understand and try and keep your cool and help him. He does and will need professional help and you can go through all the things on the website that helps but they are all temporary, only professional help will have longevity and help him lead a better life for all of you. Stay strong! Lynn
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hello Lynn,
its always great reading from you, but at this moment i cannot help the tears running down my cheeks. it feels like the first time now. i tried councelling of cause and it never worked good for me as those counsellors were somehow trying to come onto me, or so if my mind wasnt playing tricks but am sure it wasnt. remember, the pastor from my church i told you about, then the doctor, but am sure the doctor was just showing some love and care by kissing me on the cheek, because i continued seeing him i still do. maybe because there is noone else, but i doubt so….what do u think?
the tablets he gave me helped stop the bleeding, and the ct scan showed nothing abnormal. i only took the tablets for 7 days and stopped, though i was supposed to take them for 30 days, and guess what, the bleeding started this morning!! and i rushed to see him, he asked about the tablets and said i long ago stopped taking them. he advised to re-start and should have never stopped, he said.
and right now, sitting here writing to you, i ask my self, where does this blood come from?! i remember in november when i was raped, that time i was having my periods and was on my third day and they stopped completely until the following week, when all the blood in the world came out of me, i remember feeling like it was a wash out of all the dirt left inside of me by those cruel men.
i was spending the last two days at my new guy’s house and this morning, he rushed to my house to get the tablets and the tampons. he is good to me. but i know for sure soon there will be time to talk about all these things. it bothers me a lot, i dont know where i will start.
my friend, Dan was in town last week but we couldnt meet and talk much, we only talked on the phone. he is worried about me, that is so like him….
but i sometimes think he has done enough for me, and i shoulldnt bother him more…he understands everything though, there is noone else who was there in the middle of all the crisis.
and i want to tell him about my new friend too.
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D. I personally don’t like the doctor kissing you on the cheek, period! Especially if he knows you’ve been raped, that is unprofessional. If anything and that is the way he works he should have asked if it was ok, which is why I think it isn’t. I will tell you your nerves can bring on your period and especially make it abnormal. BUT I think you should go to a different doctor, preferably a woman if possible and share your story and see how she can help. Maybe she will be able to be more informed of traumatic female experiences and how they affect you. As far as the counselor, you don’t give up I don’t care if you go through 10. I know it sucks but you OBVIOUSLY need to talk to someone. Are you doing a journal to help release your feelings? Even if/when you tell your new guy, he can’t professionally tell you, only emotionally support you, keep that in mind. Get a different doctor ASAP and hang in there, don’t give up on yourself. I never said it would be easy, but I know I’ve told you before (and I know you’ve done a lot of the right things) but the more you work at it the quicker it will come. So find a new doc and counselor. Have you tried going to rainn.org because they are international and the counselors listed with them specialize in rape. Just a thought! Stay strong! Lynn
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My daughter will not tell me what happened and I am not pressing her but an old boyfriend eluded to the fact that she was raped. I have been trying to get her to see a psychologist on her dad’s insurance but maybe I need to suggest a crisis hotline first. I am lost as to how to help her since she won’t even tell me what she is not sleeping from.
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J. You can go to rainn.org and find the nearest counselor/therapist near you. That being said you can’t make her go and the more you push the more she will resist, trust me. My suggestion, make the resources available to her, maybe through her friend that eluded to the fact. If you have a local crisis center give her that number because it’s good 24/7 and anonymous in case she does need to talk. Give her the rainn.org info, give her this website, she won’t know you wrote, too many posts. She obviously confided in her friend, so maybe she’ll be more receptive to getting the info from him as a way to help. Hope that helps! Stay strong! Lynn
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i’m beginning to think somethings wrong with me. i was raped and ignored the fact that it happened and continued to see and go out with the guy. in fact it never really registered that it was rape till about a month later when a friend and i were discussing someone else’s rape. i wasn’t scared of him, just really angry that i let that happen to myself and that someone who was supposed to love me really didn’t. we are no longer together and i am with someone new, but i feel weird sometimes. i love him and i didn’t have problems doing that. i wasn’t scared to have sex with him for the first time and i am never nervous or scared of him when we have sex. i just get scared that i’ll fall for it again. that maybe one day out of the blue he’ll turn out to be nothing like i expected and rape me, but i don’t let those thoughts stop me. does this mean i’m not really a victim, since i don’t feel unsafe with him or any other guy for that matter. that maybe i just had to learn a lesson.
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M. You are very much a victim and will remain so every day that goes by that you think you had to learn a lesson. Don’t let this guy control what you feel about yourself another day. I get the feeling you are young and haven’t been in very many positive relationships because if you have you would no without a doubt that this is unacceptable behavior and in no way your fault. The percentage of rape victims is the highest among the victim knowing/in relationships with the attacker, you unfortunately are not out of the norm. But deep down I think you knew that “he” knew this was wrong because you said you felt betrayed by someone you thought loved you. So that means follow your first instinct going forward, it’s usually right. If you would have you wouldn’t have stayed in the relationship and been to have had more of the life you deserve. Stay strong! Lynn
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Hello Lynn,
I’m writing because I’m confused about what happened to me. I was or at least I think I was raped a few months ago, and I only recently just told a friend who I know had also been raped before. I have never really said fully what happened and I know I could never tell family. After it happened I just cried and cried and thought I would get over it. I put on a front and no one ever guessed anything had happened. but I don’t know what exactly getting over it means, when I told my friend I was really drunk and I no I cannot say the words allowed sober as they make me want to vomit when I think about it. But reading the comments here I can see that many girls react totally differently, but I feel I have reacted in the opposite way. I have since had sex with 3 different guys and I no I put myself in vulnerable positions,(almost on purpose) by dressing up and going out and getting drunk. but when I have had sex it hasn’t reminded me of the rape although I didn’t have sex the first time after it happened because I really wanted to but more because I couldn’t say no.
I haven’t turned scared or shy of men but the opposite. I feel confused, angry; at myself because I’m sure there is more I could have done to stop it. I’m just so confused as to why I have reacted in this way, I no I don’t really want to sleep around I just want a boyfriend to protect me and look after me but when I’m drunk I don’t no what I do or why.
And the thing is although I know that he was cruel in so many ways, and that he planned it long before I even realised what was going to happen, I really don’t feel angry at him, I just feel it for myself. I know I should see a counsellor but I can’t because I could never even make a telephone call to make an appointment never mind actually go through with it. Tomorrow I can call and find out test results of which I’m really scared. Although I can still laugh at a rape joke I do have a stab of worried and embarrassment as I feel like people can tell just by looking at my face.
What are the normal reacts to it and is mine normal? Do you think I’m getting over it or reacting in a really weird way?
Thanks so much, just reading other peoples comments is helpful.
k
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K. Like you said everyone reacts differently, there is no “bad” way to react because non of us are hard wired on how to deal with rape on our own. I knew exactly why you are reacting this way and it is actual common, but a lot won’t post it like you, so thanks for your bravery. You are claiming back your body and your life! You are showing yourself that you are not going to let what happened to you keep you down. Unfortunately if you are putting yourself in vulnerable positions you are getting risky like almost subconsciously saying “I dare you”. You understand, it makes sense doesn’t it. A lot of strong independent women will do this, because they want to remain to be seen an known as strong and independent, not the rape victim. Then you will also have the shy or reserved type, come completely out of their shell and react this way to show that they are calling the shots for their body and no one else, as a defense mechanism. You need to realize that you do need to get professional help. We all do, it’s the only way and the longer you wait the longer it will adversely effect your life and take that much longer to heal. In the meantime, write your feelings out, as a immediate release. You can even take what you write to the counselor, if you feel it’s too hard to talk about. Please think about it, you can go to rainn.org and find the nearest counselor to you. Stay strong! Lynn
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Let’s call this guy Dan. Dan was in my school and in my grade. (8th). I had never talked to him but thought that he was very good looking. I decided to go up and talk to him. He seemed like a nice guy and soon we started going out. Over the next few weeks that we spent as a couple, I started to notice that he only talked about sex. I told him over and over that I was only 13 years old and that I was nowhere close to even ask myself “Am I ready to have sex?” He dropped the subject but mentioned it again after a few days. I decided that this was getting way out of hand. That this couldn’t go on. I decided to break up with him.
A week after I did so, he came to my house. I was alone. My parents were out and my big brother was with his girlfriend at the movies. I decided to let him in. What’s the worst that could happen? I got my answer.
When he came in I stayed a good distance away from him. I don’t know why, I just did. He told me that he loved me and that he missed me terribly. That he loved me and deserved a second chance. That he didn’t know what he even did wrong. I told him that we really needed to see other people. That we seemed intrested in many different things. And that to be honest I didn’t like boyfriends that pushed me into having sex at such a young age. I also told me that he didn’t love me. That we had only been together for 3 months. People, especially teenagers that had been involved with someone for such little time don’t love eachother. He said that if I didn’t believe him, that he would have to show me. He took slow steps toward me. My lips seemed to be glued together. My feet glued to my ground. I tried to scream. But the moment I opened my mouth I was thrown against the floor and punched. He took my clothes off. He took his clothes off… I can’t go into detail. It hurts too much.
Writing these words are hurtful. It’s been a year since I was raped by my ex. He moved away a few days after he raped me. Please don’t judge me at what I’m going to say next… I haven’t told anybody what happened to me. I am lost in an endless nightmare. I am not the same girl I was. I don’t trust anyone for anything. When my male teachers held me back in class to tell me that I have to make a little effort to get my grades up I run out of the room. My friends have learned to not come up to me and talk to me. A couple of them ask me what has been wrong with me. Most of them now are mad at me for not even trying to make an inprovment for “whatever” is wrong with me. When anyone talks to me I just stare and say “nothing’s wrong with me, thank you”. People mock me and call me names. I have lost weight in a shocking speed. My parents constantly ask me where’s the happy and funny girl they used to know. They say that I should go into therapy but I scream “I’m not crazy, I’m not a lunatic, I’m not a freak! I don’t need some person I don’t know asking me questions and taking notes on me as though I’m some sort of crazy person!!!!!” They don’t go on about it when I do. When I wake up in the morning I have nothing to expect but pain. I say to myself how I can so much pain and worry to the people I most love in this world?
You guys have no idea how much it hurts to write this. I’m posting it on this website instead I should be telling this to my parents. Countless of times I have tried to speak. To say one thing. To let them know. But something holds me back. A mixture of shame and fear and regrets and more shame. I feel helpless and stupid for not talking to anyone about it.
The worst part is as I said before is that I can’t trust no one. I can’t be alone with anybody without running out of the room. Nothing intrests me anymore. My grades have dropped. Sometimes I feel like the pain is too much to have to face other people and I skip school. As I said before, I am in an endless nightmare.
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S. We need to get you thinking with a different perspective. First let me explain that everyone that has ever came to this site whether or not they posted (I get more than 100 different IP address’s a day from all over the world) understands the way you feel and can relate, so that proves your not crazy. What it proves is that your feelings are justified after what you have been through. Now that being said, we have to get you out of the past and thinking about your future. We can’t change the past but you can change the way you think about it. First you have to accept that this was in no way your fault. Once you do that you will release a lot of the shame and change the way you look at yourself. The one thing I want you to ask yourself and answer truly is if you were an adult and you had a daughter and the exact same scenario happened to her, would you want her to even think for a split second that it was her fault? Would you want her to be able to come to you and talk about it or at the very least be able to ask you for help? Would you judge her? Or would you be putting all the blame and anger on the person that did this to her? I think you would probably stand by her side with nothing less than 100% support and blame the asshole that did this to her, don’t you. The second thing I want you to do is forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for opening the door and letting him in. Because if you don’t than that means you think that every girl that opens the door to their ex-boyfriend is asking to be raped, and we both know that is not the case. So there are two point of reason that you need to get in your head and start thinking the right way. Once you truly believe this wasn’t your fault and that accept that you do want help (which is why you came here, like everyone else) the quicker you will be going forward and not stuck in the past. If you go through most of these posts you will see that almost in every case they try and suppress their feelings and think they can handle it, but they can’t – not a one. It hasn’t worked for any of us, even if we think it does temporarily, it never does in the long run. And the longer you wait the worse it gets and the longer the road to healing. So get rid of the shame & the blame and take the steps for your future so it can be bright. Get out from under the dark cloud because the sun is out there and it wants to see you. Don’t be ashamed to talk to your parents or a guidance counselor at school. Call your local crisis center and ask where you can get help. If you think you are helping your parents or close friends by not telling them, you are just causing more anxiety and questions than getting the proper help you need. And by the way stop putting them and their feelings in front of yours. You need to take care of yourself first. You are so young I really need you to believe me on this one. You can even go to rainn.org and look for a professional counselor near you. Because even if/when you tell your parents or close friend they can only support you not heal you. Unless you’ve been through this or are a trained professional, they can never fully understand what you are going through so they can only do so much. Lastly I want you to start writing your feelings out either in a journal or you can write them and them trash them but just as an immediate release to help you get things out of your head to try and relax. The more rest you can get the better you will be able to deal. And by the way the counselors are there to do their job and help you and do care like I do. So please take care of yourself because you are WORTH IT! Stay strong Lynn
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I was raped 12 weeks ago but it feels like I’m being raped everyday. I re-live it all the time and I feel him in my mind all the time. He consumes me and I don’t know how to cope with it. I cannot see a light at the end of this tunnel.
Some days I feel ok and others I completely crumble, on days like this it is the end of my world.
I had a great life before that night and now it is just broken, I don’t know how to fix it.
I hate myself, when I look in the mirror I do not recognise the person who is staring back . I feel degraded and dirty. My whole life is shattering around me, I am not me, will I ever be me again?
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S. These feelings are common, we all have these feelings at some point and have to work our way through them. And you’re not suppose to know how to cope as we are not wired on how to deal with rape, so don’t beat yourself up. What you need is professional help through counseling, so go to rainn.org and find the nearest professional near you. You also need to realize, as much as we want it to be different, the past con not be changes, but we do have control over our future and that is what you need to concentrate on. Rape is about control, not about you and it doesn’t define you (even though it feels like it), if you took all the emotion out of it you would agree say if it was your friend, that rape doesn’t define them, it only defines the attacker as a rapist. Every day that you let this consume your life and don’t get the proper help you need the longer you are letting him stay in control of your life! So don’t give him another minute because he doesn’t deserve it. More importantly you DO deserve a better life without him in it and controlling you. Also, as an immediate release when you are having really bad days or even every night a couple hours before you go to bed write out your feelings. It can be good or bad just get your feelings out of your head and on paper so your brain can relax. Once you get use to it, this can improve your sleep as well and we all deal better when we are more rested. You can even take what you write to the counselor to help determine good and bad triggers to help address specifics. Take a self defense class to help with your sense of security. Hoep these ides help. Stay strong and don’t give up because you are worth it. Lynn
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Lynn, I thank you for your inspiring words. I read them a week ago but I haven’t been able to write because I’m scared my parents will walk in. I tried writing what I feel down and then throwing it away. It worked. I feel less lonely and stupid. Although I can’t walk up to my old friends yet. But I’ve decided to take one step at a time. The first one for me would be to know that it wasn’t my fault. Since I read your post I say in my head “I’ts not my fault, it’s his fault” Thanks so much for your comfort.
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Lynn,
what if you loved your rapist? what if you still love them? why do i feel sorry for him? i had to get a restraining order against him because after i broke up with him, he violated my privacy in a very outlandish sort of way. but i never confided in anyone about the rape until after i broke up with him. he said he didn’t hear me say no and stop but i know deep down he did. he told me, when he pulled out, that he didn’t rape me because he stopped when he saw me crying. he said if it were rape he would have finished and then just left me there instead of holding me and he said that he loved me and wanted to make me his wife. i wanted to be his wife but i felt so dirty and disrespected. after that he became very angry, suspicious, controlling and jealous. he told me that i made him angry, that i made him talk to me the way he did. why am i even writing this? i never thought i’d react this way to being raped. like it’s nothing. like i don’t care.
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H. When you love your rapist it is an extremely confusing situation. The issue here is that you loved him before he raped you, so it is difficult to say as of right now I don’t love you anymore. And of course you feel sorry for them because you love them. It doesn’t mean that you don’t know right from wrong because it sounds as if you do, so stop beating yourself up. Did you know that more than 50% knew their rapists and a huge % loved them because they were family members or spouses they thought they could trust. I’m glad you got a restraining order because you both need to stay away, especially for your own good. Rape is about control and that is what this man did to you, controlled you and when he felt like it was slipping is when he got nasty, believe me that won’t change in the future so please don’t ever go back. And we all want to act like it never happened, but it did so we have to deal with it, which is also unfair. But it is our lives to control ourselves which means we have to take the right steps. What you need to do now is get professional counseling so you can fully get over this guy and to help with the rape. Stay strong! Lynn
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I know this may seem silly but i am 23 years old. And I am a rape victim. I was raped at the age of 12. that man took everything from me. I never told nor talked to anyone about it. EVER. Now im trying to enter an relationship witha guy and he is great but i keep gettin this feeling in the pit of my stomach… this dirty feeling…he has never done anything wrong to me or pushed my limits…just i cant get all that out of my head. Its not fair to him that i feel this way. I really guess i need someone to talk to or i need tips or i need someone to hug me and tell me its ok and let me cry like i shoulda done 11 years ago.But i need to know if i am being silly holding on to the past…i want to let go and be free of what he had done to me. I just want to be free….
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B. None of this is silly. But what it is, is a perfect example of why I tell all survivors to seek counseling, the sooner the better. You will never be free until you let it out. And it needs to be done through a professional. Go to rainn.org and find the nearest specialist to you and go because you and your mind are ready. The longer you wait the longer your recovery. I always tell people if you push it down deep and never let it go it will stay with you like your shadow (which you can never outrun) and come out at the most in-appropriate times, and this is exactly what is happening to you. But even though you don’t feel like it YOU are in control. That control being getting to a counselor asap. This is the only thing that will help you be free. It isn’t easy but it is well worth it and your only solution. Your counselor (preferably a women) will also be able to help with your relationship and how to deal. Don’t wait another day, take back control and get the help you need and deserve, YOU ARE WORTH IT! Stay strong Lynn
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Lynn,
To be honest I’m not sure why I’m doing this. I just can’t seem to get this damn monkey off my back. The brief run. Down is that I was raped by my half brother (15 years older) from the time I was 11 until I was 15. He raped me at least once a day. Everything, down to including incest related pornography. He would tell me that this was how he showed his love for me & that all siblings did this. The only reason anyone found out was that a teacher went into my comp files and found thing I had written. Parents and authorities were called in. He ended up pleading guilty to 4 charges & got 20 years. I trusted one particular teacher but because he was male I wasn’t allowed to talk to him. My parents. Put me in counseling with a woman. A couple weeks later she started counseling my mother as well. Things I said to her were being fed back to me by mother, so I quit talking.After two months the therapist wanted to hospitalize me and drug me to make me talk. I then tried to start a journal which came up “missing” a few weeks later. Parents had taken it so they could read it. So I just quit dealing With it. Now 15 years later the parole board decided it was a good idea to parole him less than 5 miles away from me. I contacted them & they said unless he attacks me again I can’t even get a restraining order against him. The nightmares, depression and the constant mind “whirring” are back full force. Just like when I was a kid. I feel helpless and at a loss as to what to do. I would love to go back into therapy but I’m afraid the same thing will happen again.
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K. You need to go back into therapy, without your mom. She can continue with her therapist but you go to a different one. Try going to rainn.org and finding a specialist in your area. Therapists are suppose to follow a patient doctor confidentiality so why your therapist was feeding info back to your parents I don’t know. I’m getting the impression that you feel you can’t talk to your parents. Which is why it is imperative you get back into therapy especially since he is getting out soon. The feelings you are having are very justified but you need to deal with them. I know your parents have broken your trust but I beleive they are trying to help. Just remember we are not wired on how to deal with rape and they are having to deal with the victim and the attacker, they are very confused as well, which is why it is good your mom is in therapy. You know you can still write as a release, it seems that works for you, but then get rid of it, shred it tear it up but just get those thoughts out of your head so your mind can relax and hopefully help you sleep better. I would definitely take a self defense class, especially if he is getting out. What about a big dog. Tell your mom it will help make you feel safe and go rescue a dog. This will also help keep your mind off things, give you unconditional love and help with your sense of security. Stay strong! Lynn
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Lynn,
I am 20 years old and I was raped a few months ago. Now every time I am around males i feel unsafe or insecure. But now when I am around females, I feel safe and it’s different. I don’t know if this is just a phase or has this turned me bi? I have feelings for woman now, that I never have had before. I’m so confused. I do not want to be that way, but I am starting to believe that this is who I am now, Thanks to him.
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L. These feelings are common and they do need to be worked through. My suggestion is to be open to the woman you like and let her know as honestly as you were with me that you are confused. Let her know that you see her as a person not as bi-sexual or lesbian. let her know why and tell her you want to take it slow. let her know you don’t know what the outcome will be but you don’t want to hurt her. If she stays then she knows everything and shouldn’t be surprised if you become uneasy or find that it isn’t right for you. If she isn’t up for it, better to find out sooner than later. I would suggest you take a self defense class and get into counseling. Go to rainn.org and find the nearest counselor to you. The sooner you get into counseling the sooner your head will be clearer. And I’m not talking counseling for the relationship (although it will help), I’m talking about counseling for the rape and for your future. Stay strong! Lynn
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I am 16. Saturday night i went to a friends house (Rebecca) who was having a party. Her parents were gone all weekend so we were drinking..the people who were there are of the following: (her house) Rebecca , Jerry (Rebeccas boyfriend) (Rebeccas friend who I had just met that night) Winona, my best friends Julie, Maria and Lindsay, Rebeccas 23 year old brother George his girlfriend Carrie and Georges friend Harold and his girlfriend Sandra. During the night Rebeccas older brother George would touch me under the water in the hottub and give me extra attention. Eventually George and me are left on a couch together in an empty room, people had left to go to sleep and George had put his arm around me so i rested my head on his shoulder to sleep, it was nice to just sort of sit there and cuddle. Then George starts to finger me and then he takes his pants off and pushes me down to give him head and then puts his penis in my mouth and chokes me. He then lays me down and eats me out/starts biting my genital area which was very painful. Next he breaks my virginity and i moan in pain and then he puts his penis in my ass and begins to thrust. I am too drunk to remember if he came inside me all i remember is feeling wetness on my leg so hopefully i am not pregnant. After he came he slapped me and told me that no one is to know about what happened and then he kisses me and leaves me on the couch where i then passed out. I was in a very vulnerable position and he completely took advantage of me while his girlfriend was sleeping in the house on the next floor. I had not tried to push him off of me because i dont think i realized what was happening. The morning after i was very hungover but when i had realized what had happened i immediately start balling. As soon as i found my friends we left the house and Maria and i were dropped off at my house by Rebeccas boyfriend Jerry who had overheard me balling in the car about the previous night. When Maria and i arrive at my house we go to my room and she helps me so much while i am balling and reacting to what had happened. My mother overhears and comes into the room and asks me if someone put their hands on me and i proceeded to tell her that nothing is wrong and to not worry about it and she leaves. I have no relationship with my mother, she is a psychiatrist and i have a very awkward relationship with her she knows absolutely nothing about me and has taken no time to find out. I am not comfortable telling her pretty much anything (i.e. when i had my first period i did not tell her and i just figured it out myself) Also i no that what George did was wrong but he is one of my friends brothers and he seems like a very kind person who made a giant mistake without thinking but at the same time he totally took advantage and others have commented on how he didn’t even seem drunk. I don’t want the police to get involved which is why I’m scared to tell any adults also i don’t want Rebecca to no although one of my friends told me that she heard about how her brother slapped me and she passionately defended that point saying that her brother would never do that presuming that i made it up which makes me very sad that any one would think i would go out of my way to do such a thing. I don’t want my relationship with Rebecca to be ruined she is one of my dearest friends. Today i took the day off school and i am trying to get back to my center and straighten my reactions and feelings out. I may try to go back in soon though so i don’t miss a full day. I’ve spent my day off sleeping and reading online articles about coping. Thank you so much for creating this page and i am looking forward to your response 🙂 **also all names in this article have been changed.
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S.You are going to need to talk to someone because taking a day off to get your head straight is good intentions, but this kind of thing doesn’t go away or get resolved feelings in a day. Sorry but this is something that needs to be worked through with a professional. Obviously not your mom, I know. Call your local crisis center and either they can help onsite or refer you to a trained rape counselor, they work with you on the fee if there is even one. What about a guidance counselor at school. They can’t give you therapy that you need for the rape but they might be able to direct you to some help and they would understand if you have issues at school. this guy has obviously done this before, so I would think twice about turning him in, there is no friendship worth saving if there is a possibility he will do this again, maybe even to you. Rape is about control, and if he thinks he can control you to not say anything and act like it never happen, the likely hood of him targeting you again is high so be careful. In fact I would recommend a self defense class and to be very careful of your surroundings now as well as stop drinking since you are underage. Not saying you brought this on by drinking because there is no excuse for what he did. Just saying you are underage and until you are old enough to drink and drink resopnsibly, just don’t do it. So get professional counseling and take a self defense class and think about turning him in. Stay strong! Lynn
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A year and a half ago I was raped by a guy that I was seeing. I went to his house for dinner, he said we were going to sleep in different rooms, I may not have been a Christian at the time but I still had the ideal of one I didn’t want to have sex before I was married. We were watching the movie and he asked if I wanted anything to drink, he must have spiked my drink cus I don’t remember much of the next 10 hours, I remember “waking up” once in that night just as he was forcing himself into me and I realized I was tied up. I actually woke up the next morning still tied up, bruised and beaten. He still wanted to come back to my house, I said I was sick then “broke up with him” over text messages, he said that I liked it, that that’s what I had wanted.
The worst part is over the last year and a half is that he continues to find me and remind me of what he did, he had pictures and always managed to find my phone number. He constantly sent me pictures of things I didn’t know had been done.
I’ve managed to heal from a lot of the wounds that he caused in my life but there’s still a lot of things i’ve never delt with.
It’s hard for me not to blame myself when I think that had I never gone there, had I never trusted him, none of this would have ever happened. A lot of nights I go to bed and want to cut or loose myself in alcohol just to numb the pain. I’ve found safety in God and he’s given me his peace but sometimes my flesh just cries out from the emotions I don’t want to feel.
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E. If you haven’t gotten any therapy yet you need to. The longer you wait the longer it will take to heal, I promise. Have you thought of turning him in. Even though it was a while back you can at least see if he has been turned in by anyone else which would strengthen your case and the others. If you have pictures of being tied up that is evidence. The next thing I need you to stop doing is the shoulda, coulda, woulda. We are taught to trust until given a reason not too, you did nothing wrong. You are dating a guy and you went to his house to watch a movie, you did nothing wrong. that’s like saying everyone who watches a movie with a guy they are dating cause they trust him is asking to get raped and neither of us believe that. Take the energy you are using on harping on the past and put it to good use for your future. The future is the only thing you have control over. So go to rainn.org and find the nearest counselor to you and get the help you need. Think about checking with the police to see if anyone else has reported him. He needs to be in jail and you need your sense of security back. Have you thought about getting a pre-paid phone, cause he won’t get that number. I know it’s a pain but I’m sure the pain you feel when he harasses you is worse. Instead of drinking a night try writing out all of your thoughts. You can keep them or throw it away just get them out of your head and on paper as a release. It may take a little while to get use to but I promise it helps and its better than drinking. Hope this helps. Stay strong, Lynn
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Lynn,
I see you’ve helped many people through rapes.. mine is difficult.
My parents don’t believe me. I cry about it everyday. Not one of my relationships since have worked out. I have no idea who my attacker was because he grabbed me from behind while I was going to the bathroom in the woods. I went to a party with my friend and I had not a single drink, so I remember it all.. the pain, the tears, the fear.. I feel worthless, I honestly don’t care at all on whether or not I died today.. I’m aware of some things that I’ve been doing lately are acts of self-destruction.. I don’t care.. I’m numb. I can’t eat. Maybe once a day, if that. I barely get any sleep, so I’m always tired. I’m rarely ever sincerely happy with the way things are. This occurred June 21, 2010. I first admitted it to my mom Saturday, October 16, 2010. I’m only 16.. and I’ve got to live with this.. it’s destroying me. I hate myself for sneaking out that night.. and not telling anyone. I want this to dissappear.. help me.
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LDB, you need to go get counseling and I would even recommend going to your family doctor (tell your parents you have a yeast infection) and then when you get in tell your doctor. Ask him to see if you have PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). If you do (which I suspect) they can give you medicine to help with your anxiety and depression. If you haven’t already you also need to get tested for STDS and aids. Not to scare you but this is a necessity in rape victims and they treat for this when you get a rape kit. For the exception of the aids test, which you need to get at least one every 3 years. As far as the counseling, your doctor can probably recommend someone or you can call you local crisis center who will either offer counseling or be able to refer you and since you are 16 the fee if any should be nominal. In the meantime to help with your sleep, write out all your feelings about an hour before bed, good or bad it doesn’t matter. You can throw them away or you can even take them to the counselor. By writing out whats in your head it is a release and free up your mind for a better sleep. Sleep is very important to keep you anxiety level down. But get to the doctor and get into counseling, the sooner the better. Stay strong! Lynn
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hello my name ie E i am 36 years old. I was raped and beat, left in the woods to die. i received a phone call today, that they have arrested Ithe man that raped me. I was told he pleaded guilty. The states attorney recommended that i have a date in court with him in Dec, if I don’t want to face my attacker he will only serve 5 years. my question to you is what would you do? I’m afraid to face him, what if they make it sound like I did this, I drank too much, I wanted it, and he goes free. I’m so confused and full of emotions right now. What if I do decide to go with the court date and he’s set free, i would not be able to live with that, but i also don’t want to relive those memories again. So confused!! please help!! thank you!
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E R, No question I would go to court. It won’t be easy but it is the right thing to do for yourself. He already pleaded guilt so they aren’t going to try and blame you. He left you there to die. They won’t but if for some reason someone does say you drank too much or anything to that nature you say, “There is no excuse for rape and if anyone believes that then you are saying that everyone that drinks deserves to be raped”! That will shut them and everyone else up. And no one is gonna believe you wanted it if you were beaten and left for dead. You are the only one that can stand up for yourself so don’t let him control you anymore. Rape is about control and if you don’t go to that court and stand up for yourself he will continue to control your life. If he has already pleaded guilty it should be a pretty cut and dry case, so go and help put him away for a long time. You will feel so good when that happens, I promise. It won’t be easy but it will be sooo worth it! Stay strong! Lynn
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I was raped late Friday night. When I woke up Saturday morning, I was naked under a blanket on a couch and found my clothes neatly folded in a corner of the room. I could not remember anything except being in a kitchen and a bathroom after being in a bar. One other person was still in the house, so I asked if he knew how I lost my clothes, why I was on the couch, etc. He told me he had found me and moved me there from an upstairs bedroom, that he “didn’t think I (Chels) was that drunk.” There were several other things that didn’t check out in my mind, including a recommendation that I shower. I talked to a friend of mine who counsels and helps sexual assault victims, and he recommended I get a rape kit done. I was told there was no doubt I had been raped, and that they believe I may have been given a date rape drug. What frightens me the most is that I can’t remember anything except what I told you about between being at the bar and waking up in some apartment. How can I deal with this without knowing what happened to me? Was I scared? Did I just let it happen? Did this guy rape an unconscious girl? On top of that, if I involve the police, these men who were there (there are three who may have done this) will go through a horrible ordeal. Whichever one raped me will lose his job (they’re all in the military). I don’t know if he knows he raped me. I am struggling with ruining someone’s life, especially when they may or may not have done this on purpose. More than anything, I just wish I could remember
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C. First of all stop worrying about everyone else and take care of yourself. If they said positively you were raped then hopefully they have some dna which can easily be matched to one of the guys, confirming who did it and not ruining the lives of the ones who didn’t. Hopefully you didn’t take a shower but if you did then hopefully you didn’t wash your clothes. either way dna will prove the wrongful and the innocent. Lastly, this is what happened to me and I wished more than anything that I would remember too for the longest time UNTIL I realized this was what saved me, that I didn’t remember. I don’t have horrible flashbacks and memories that haunt me. I do have bad dreams every once in a while but nothing in comparison to all the victims that remember. I’m sure this is what gave me the strength to be able to help others and now deal with rape almost on a daily basis by trying to help others. So this is a wonderful gift (not having those memories) and that is how you must look at it. Because the bottom line is, we can’t change what happened, so let’s be grateful of no memories and move forward instead of dwelling on what could have been. Stay strong! Lynn
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About 6 or 7 years ago, I was raped by a guy friend of mine, twice. He was supposed to be someone I trusted. The first time it happened, I struggled and fought but eventually let it happen because he was so much stronger than me. It confused me, and I figured since I eventually let it happen that it wasn’t rape. But I remember feeling awful and confused afterward. I said nothing to anyone. The next time it happened, I had been drinking. When these incidents happened, I was in the military and both men and women lived in dormitory type building. So the second time, I had been drinking and went to my room to go to sleep. I left my door bolted open so that my roommate could get back into the room. I fell asleep and woke up to him having sex with me. I knew it was him because someone had walked in.. and later told me that they saw us having sex. When I woke up, I was so confused because I had drunk so much and didn’t what was really giong on. I didn’t go to my command,because I did not think they would help me.. and I have repressed it for years until about a year ago. It hit me like a ton of bricks, out of nowhere. Is this normal? I have told some friends about what happened, hoping maybe it would help me feel better. My family does not know a thing. I am too embarrassed to tell them, and I don’t want to hurt them. I have been embarrassed because I feel like it was somehow my fault that it happened twice by the same guy. What should I do? Should I get professional help? Should I tell my family?
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J. First yes you should definitely get professional help, as should all rape victims and this is one exact reason why. You now know by keeping it a secret and not talking about it doesn’t make it go away or disappear. All it does is fester inside of you until it comes out and it’s typically when you least expect it. the most important reason you need to go sooner than later is because the sooner you get help the quicker the road to recovery. We are not wired on how to deal with rape which is why you need the professional help you deserve and you shouldn’t be embarrassed, none of us know how. Also, the fact that you gave in after your fight DOES NOT mean it’s your fault because it’s NOT! That is what happens to most who fight back at some point they loose. Rape is about control and let me explain to you his thought process. He raped you and you didn’t report it therefore he knew he had control and came back for more, which you still didn’t report. So first and foremost stay away from him at all costs, if that means you need to report him to do so. If you are already safe and no worries about him coming back then you need to go to rainn.org and find the nearest counselor to you. You need to take back control of your life and not let him control it anymore. I would get into counseling prior to telling your parents (only if you don’t feel comfortable otherwise talk to them) and maybe they can help determine how and if you want to talk to anyone about it. In the meantime of getting to a counselor/therapist write out your feelings as a mental release. And you can save it and take it to the counselor or you can trash it, just get it out of your head on paper so you can give your mind a break. It’s always nice to have friends you can turn to 24/7 but you can’t rely on them to know how to help, they can support but only the professional is going to be able to truly help you the way you need. Stay strong! Lynn
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This hard to start so here it is–my mother was part of some satanic cult and she did a lot of hardcore drugs. I remember many weird people at our house and weird stuff happening to me starting when I was 3 at this age these people touched me and took pictures of me while I was in the bathtub and what not. It’s all so fuzzy because I was 3 but I developed this weird habit of touching myself that I’m ashamed to admit and also I have all these weird bruises and I think I’m a little mutilated. I’m not really sure what the hell happened but I have this recurring nightmare where I feel the pressure of another body on top of me and I feel like something is penetrating me deep inside. I’m 19 now and I still have this dream which started before I remember. Also I moved in with my grandparents when I was 4 and my grandfather (my dads dad) touched me from the time I was 6-12. Then when I moved out a boyfriend forced himself upon me when I was 15. No one knows any of this and no one would suspect it I’ve become a master at hiding things. I know this is rather different but I have no where else to go. Ive been an insomniac for like 10 years because of all this especially the nightmare. My family is very religious they would condemn me for temptress even though i was so young. Funny because i actually realize now its not my fault. I cant afford counseling. All I am is sorrow I hate everyone
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KR. I need you to do 3 things that could help you a lot. First call your local crisis center and see if they can hook you up with counseling because they typically work on a scale or it’s for free. This is the #1 most important thing you NEED to do for yourself. We are not wired on how to deal with rape and as you know by now it is not something that goes away. It festers inside of you until you are ready to deal with it. The longer you wait the more adverse affect it will have on you as well as just take that much longer to get better. If you don’t have a local crisis center go to rainn.org and see if they have any counselors that work with you or go to a church, one your family doesn’t know of just find a way, don’t give up on yourself.. Secondly, I want you to start writing every night about an hour before you want to go to bed. about anything on your mind good or bad just get it out. If you are sleeping and you wake up from a bad dream, get up and write it out. This is a mental release so you brain can relax. 3rd, get a dog, rescue one from the pound they will be loyal forever. Having unconditional love as well as a level of protection will help a lot. You know your dog will bark at night if he hears something therefore you can sleep better. One more thing you can do to help relax yourself and get more sleep. Try yoga at night, maybe after you’ve written out your thoughts then do some yoga at home before bed. The deep breathing itself totally relaxes you. I promise you the more quality sleep you get the less anxiety you will have. Hope this helps. Don’t give up and I’m glad you know deep down it wasn’t your fault. That’s the first big step towards your recovery process. Stay strong! Lynn
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im in a weird situation than most of these comments. i believe that i was raped almost 3 years ago. but tonight it just kindve hit me,and im realizing that ive been making excuses and running from it this entire time. i was with a friend at a party, i drank way too much, and he took me upstairs to sleep. i felt absolutely NOTHING. all i remember is seeing him over me and me saying “i cant get pregnant” repeatedly. he promised i wouldnt but didnt stop. next i wokeup and saw my best friend standing over my bed asking what happened. i looked next to me and he was asleep there. i talked to him that night, and a few weeks after. he was so nice about it. i was a VIRGIN. & he promised to support me and help me if i ever need to talk. he was so nice about it that i didnt even realize it was rape. i figured it was my fault for drinking, i was a mess laying all over the place, and what guy could really constain themselves from doing anything? we began talking recently about hanging out and stuff,but i never followed through with it. im not sure why. but now im starting to think that subconsciously i knew it wasnt okay what happened this entire time. he was a family friend. i grewup knowing him. but it wasnt right what he did, im starting to see that now. after him i quickly got a boyfriend (my first real boyfriend) and had sex with him. i felt it didnt make a huge difference because i was already non pure. each time we did it i cry afterwards. were not even together but since a few months after the rape (wen i got into the rleationship with my bf) till NOW (and we havent been together for about 2 years) ive kept him around. and i still have sex with him and i dont know why. im not that kindve girl. im a nice girl. i dont know where to go from here. im not even sure why im writing this. its making me realize things a lot more just by typing this out. where do i go from here? do i just act like it didnt happen? my dad is insanely strict and would kill him and me if he foundout. my mom is more sensitive, but i doubt she would ever look at me the same again. even if seh said she would, i know deep down she wouldnt be. does talking about it really do anything? at the end of the day it wont change what happened.i can never go back to being a virgin, and experiencing my first in a sober way where i can actually FEEL the change. im so lost and confused, and i feel like a drama queen just typing this because like i said, even after i post this, whats done is done.
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C. first of all this is all anonymous so no worries. Second Im confused by your post. Are you still having sex with the boyfriend or the guy that raped you? I’m not clear. Whichever it is clearly the rape has affected you and I feel you need to get counseling. Especially being a virgin when this happens really opens up a lot of emotional feelings for you. I don’t know if I would start with your parents, yet. I always say you should talk to your parents if you feel they would support you. Otherwise start with a counselor and ask them how to approach your parents. You can call a local crisis center and ask for counseling there or even try a guidance counselor at school (not sure of your age). You can always go to rainn.org and find the closest counselor to you, they are worldwide. And this advice obviously means “yes” talking about it helps. Go through any of the comments and you will not find 1 that not talking about it helped. So get to a counselor and stay strong! Lynn
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i just stopped having sex with my ex boyfriend about a month ago, i decided it wasnt right because i wasnt doing it out of love. i was doing it more because i thought it wasnt a big deal since my virginity was already taken.
my ex boyfriend is not the one who raped me. he didnt know about the situation until we dated about 6 months. the one who raped me was my friend.
thankyou, im definitely interested in counseling, i dont think talking to my parents would really help. it would just stress them out and i dont see it really fixing anything.
one thing im wondering is, what is counseling really going to fix? i realize that now ive finally stopped being in denial. and i realize what actually happened. but now what?
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C. Good question. Counseling is going to fix how you look at relationships going forward. Counseling will help you deal with the triggers that might come up and more importantly it will help how you look and treat yourself now and in the future. It will give you strength you didn’t know that you had and more happiness in life in the long run. That being said it doesn’t happen overnight so don’t look for one or two sessions. Each person takes their own time, but you are the only one looking out for yourself so make sure you do it the right way through counseling. Stay strong! Lynn
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