#1) Believe deep down it is not your fault, no matter what the actions were leading up to the rape, you need to know and accept there is nothing that justifies rape and you didn’t do anything to deserve it! Everyone I talk to feels guilty or ashamed in one form or another, but what you don’t understand is the person that is deserving of the guilt and shame is the person that chose to do the rape, NOT YOU! The rape was not about anything you did, it is about the attacker needing control and they are responsible for their actions NOT YOU!!!
#2) You need to try and do your best to deal with your feelings as they arise. I’ve learned that in order to feel like a survivor you face them head on. You have two options, deal with them head on or run from them. The problem is when you run, your demons become your shadow and you can never outrun your shadow, so it is best to try and deal with your emotions head on instead of trying to outrun something you can’t.
#3) The one thing I learned the hard way was that none of my loved ones reacted they way I thought they would, so I immediately was more concerned with their thoughts and actions than my own healing process. I see this almost every time when counseling a survivor. The first thing I hear is, “What is my family (often spouse/partner) going to think?” or “how are they going to react?” My typical response is, “I know you are worried about their reactions BUT aren’t you more worried about your well being for you and your family?” Before you expend your energy on controlling someone else’s feelings (when ultimately you can’t) you should take that energy to heal yourself. Because you truly need to believe that you did nothing to lead up to the rape and know in your heart it wasn’t your fault. When YOU realize it doesn’t matter what you were wearing, where you were at or what you were doing, then it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks! The bottom line is you have to take care of yourself first before you can take care of anyone else!
#4) Surround yourself with the people who support you and distance yourself (at least temporarily) from those who don’t.
#5) Find the positive in something everyday and focus on it no matter how small or stupid it is. A lot of days you will have to dig deep to find it, even if it is splurging on a dessert or watching your favorite TV show, but you must find something positive everyday to keep you going. This will also help train your brain that you can block out the negative.
#6) Remember that you can’t change the past so stop focusing on it with – shoulda, coulda, woulda – because it doesn’t matter since the past can’t be changed. If you are focusing on something you wished you would have done differently or beating yourself up with something you did, then you do not believe it wasn’t your fault, step #1. YOU MUST BELIEVE THAT IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT and until you do you have a long struggle in your recovery. Remember NOTHING JUSTIFIES RAPE!
#7) Focus on what you DO have control of and that is your future. The day I stopped letting my assaulter control my life is the day I realized I could be dead. At that moment (about 9 months later) even though I knew my assaulter took something from me, I realized he did not take my life and I wasn’t about to give him another day of MY life! He doesn’t deserve it, not one more minute! I felt this huge relief that I sat down and cried for hours. From that day on I stopped worrying about my past and what anyone else thought and focused on appreciating the life I had left. Now I’m not saying I skipped off into the sunset, but that was the day I stopped feeling sorry for myself (those emotions are allowed – for a while) and picked myself up and took a step forward instead of backwards.
#8) DO NOT turn to drugs and alcohol to mask the pain, once again you MUST FEEL IN ORDER TO HEAL. Alcohol and/or drugs are only a temporary fix and does absolutely nothing to solve the problem other than to push it deeper. You must deal with it and the more you feel and release, the more room you have to heal.
#9) DON’T rely on anyone else to heal you. You will heal as much as you put the work into it. Hopefully you will have support, but you need to know while it is OK to accept help from others, only you can heal yourself. Healing yourself through some type of professional counseling, whether group, individual or anonymously. A lot of cities offer free counseling or support groups through their local crisis centers. There are your some church groups or if you health insurance (make sure mental health is covered under your plan) use that. Some employers have EAP (employee assistance programs) that are completely anonymous even to your employer and usually offer a couple free visits. Go to rainn.org to find the closest counselor to you. There are so many resources, just make the commitment to start helping yourself and you’ll find a way!
#10) While the above suggestions are more long term, I would like to make some suggestions for baby steps that can help “right now”. My most successful suggestion is to right down your feelings at the end of the day (good or bad) whatever they are just as a release. This is good for survivors or immediate family members trying to cope as well. It is up to you whether or not you keep it, it is just a way for you to get your honest and true emotions out and not keep them deep inside you, which only fester. Warms baths are great before bed along with a good book to take me away, if even for 30 minutes. I always try to keep a book in purse, dvd at home or cd in car that I love and makes me feel good that I can immediately turn to to brighten my mood. And if you don’t have a pet, get one! Pets are amazing and offer true unconditional love BUT make sure you have the time to love and nurture your pet and you will get nothing less back!
#11) Think about taking a self defense class. After being raped your sense of security is shot and an excellent way to start to get it back is taking a self defense class. It is very empowering and a good confidence builder.
#12) Try yoga (if you don’t alreaady), it is truly amazing how it makes you feel calm and can just release the stress and anxiety. Never tried it until after my rape and I still have the same at home beginner dvds I’ve used for years, but I love them and I truly feel empowered, strong and relaxed when I’m done. They say you can heal your body through your breathing and I believe it. Tell me you don’t feel a little better after you take a few big deep breaths. Well, when you are doing yoga, not only is your body trying to align and release your stress you are holding in your body, but you are really breathing the whole time and getting oxygen to your entire body, which is not only a calming affect but helps the tightness in your muscles to release. So trust me just try it a few times, you don’t have to do it perfect (which is why I do it at my house) but I always feel better afterwards, never fails..
Dealing with Rape 
Hi lynn thanx again 4 all your encourage message….I’ve made an appointment to see a clinician. I’ve distanced myself from my bestfriend,who told me she still doesn’t think. Its necessary for me to report…she told me her ex-boyfriend did it to her but she let it go,and she is doing fine and she thinks I should do the same and not do anything abt it…
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A month ago i was raped and at the time i was really really drunk and i thought at the time that it was consental because when i drink i sometimes have blackouts and what i remembered didnt really seem like it was rape i mean it really hurt but i knew it was going to because i was a virgin, but about two weeks ago one of my friends was talking to the guy and he was really drunk and i guess my name came up and he started talking about that night and how i said no…. and he just took off my pants and raped me…. my friend tolk me about this and then i started remembering that i did say no and that i pushed him off of me numerous times and i was soooo angry that i started carrying my knife around with me… i said that i was going to kil him… but i never did …. i see him all the time and i wish that i could have turned him in, but i know that there is no way that i could of told anyone about it i still have trouble even saying the word out loud…… i have only told my sister and one of my best friends about it…. and im not going to tell anyone else… this is the first website that i have looked up on rape and i’m glad i did , but i sill am a long way to believeing that it wasnt my fault…..
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S. I’m glad the website helped you. But I don’t understand why it is so hard to believe it wasn’t your fault. You know you said no, your friend told you he knows you said no, so he should have listened to you no matter how much you had to drink. Yes you may have drank too much but that doesn’t mean you deserve to be raped. I’m glad you have someone to talk to and give you support. Try and stay as far away from this guy as possible and maybe even take a self defense class. You know you can still turn him in, there probably won’t be much of a case for you unless he has been identified for this before. If that is the case then you might be helping someone else, which in turn would help get him off the street. Either way you do what you feel is best but stop carrying a knife and go take a self defense class, it will help your sense of security and self esteem. It’s not your fault! Remember that. this doesn’t define you, it is something that happened to you. This defines him as a rapist. So throw all those bad feelings back to the person that deserves them and start concentrating on making yourself feel better through counseling for long term and writing out your feelings for an immediate release. Trust me it works. Stay strong! Lynn
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i was involved with a friend and we had sex and i told him to stop because he was hurting me and he didnt stop he told me that it would be over soon and he loved me not to worry if it hurt. is it rape? i yelled and cryed and tried to get away but i couldnt i dont know how to feel or what to think
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B. Yes if you are yelling and crying and saying to stop and he doesn’t, yes that is rape. rape doesn’t always have to be by a stranger in fact more victims know their rapist than not. Rape is about control and that sounds exactly what he was doing to you. You need to get far far away from him. Did he threaten you in any way? Did you keep any evidence? If so and you feel strong enough to report him, I personally feel you should because will you be able to get away from him or is he someone that you know you’ll run into. You need to think about your safety, maybe get an restraining order on him. Take a self defense class so you know this won’t happen again, especially if you don’t report him. If it is bothering you emotionally then you should seek counseling. Just make sure you take care of your safety. Stay strong! Lynn
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I was raped in 1983. He raped me twice and then gave me over to his friend. He tried to kill me the next morning. I just froze during the entire ordeal. I buried this until I recently saw him. Now I am paralyzed and not coping at all. I am a mother and I blame myslef for not only not screaming but for freezing and not going to the police. I fell so desperate.
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A. As much as this seems not normal, you are having normal responses. That doesn’t lesson the importance of what you are going through, I’m just letting you know you’re not going crazy. First and formost STOP blaming yourself, for what, going into safety mode. That is more common than you know when you are scared to freeze up. If they can rape you what else are they capable of. For God’s sake you said they tried to kill you too, so that proves exactly whhy you did the right thing at the time because if you did scream you might be dead now and not a mother! You have to find the good. It is the only thing that keeps you going. You can’t concentrate on the past that can’t be changed but only what you have control over now. Focus on the good. You are alive and a mother! But you do need to get counseling, you can’t expect anything held in that long to not come out soon and the longer you hold it in the longer it takes to come out. Facing the truth is so much easier than all the time & energy it takes to runaway from it. But start by BELIEVING IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT! Then take care of yourself for you and your kids. Take a self defense class since the possibility of running into him is there. Concentrate on what you do have control over and believe in yourself and be glad you are alive. Stay strong! Lynn
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i was raped nearly two years ago i still havnt dealt with it properly i never would talk about it but when im out for a nightout and i am consuming alcohol i pour my heart out to people. i found out recently that the person who did these to me is going to get away with it as it is not going to court i cant deal with it and im considering moving have you any advice
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S. You need to get professional counseling. if you aren’t sure where too start look for a local crisis center in the phone book or online. Or you can go to rainn.org and they will give you one of their national locations closest to you. I completely get the spilling your guts when you drink bc it is something so desperate that wants to comeout and wishing magically someone had the right words or something to make it all feel better again. But trust me no matter how hard you try the best thing that helps is therapy, in some cases medication for ptsd which is common in rape survivors. But the more you get it out the more room you have to heal. So find counseling and a close friend that you totally trust that you can turn to 24/7 to help you when you feel weak. Have a small journal you can spill your feelings ino when there is no one around just as a mental release. You can keep what you write down or get rid of it but when we release it, we can sleep and concentrate on other things better. Hope you are doing better and this helped. Stay strong! Lynn
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A few years ago I was engaged to a guy who I thought was my life. The relationship was long distance where he lived in the States and I lived in London. The relationship turned sour very quick and he became very violent emotionally and mentally. I went to visit him in Nebraska where we went to visit his brother in Lincoln. For some reason I dont understand, he had power over me. The three little words “I love you” would make me stay even after cheating on me over and over again. We were at his brother’s place in Lincoln and I got very drunk. I remember going to lie down on the bed but next thing I knew it, my ex fiance had stuck a hairspray bottle without the cap, in me. I remember sobering up and seeing him laughing at me and pulling away and telling him to stop. He eventually did. I remember being in a lot of pain, but mostly in shock. When we woke up the next morning he never apologised to me he just ignored what had happened, so I did. A few days later, we went to a private poker game at one of the hangers that belonged to either my ex’s family, or someone they knew, cant quite remember. He got extremely drunk and decided to flirt and touch another woman’s leg right in front of me. Obviously I spoke out, but he wanted to go back to his sister’s place, and a friend drove us back there. We were upstairs and I was completely sober but he was drunk. We started having sex and he forced fisted me. I cried and screamed for him to stop but he wouldn’t, he just grabbed my waist and keep forcing his fist inside me. After screaming no, get off, he wouldn’t stop so I let him continue and I cried the whole time. The next morning he still didn’t apologise and he pretended like it didn’t happen. I flew back to London soon after and we continued to be together in this violent relationship. I guess I put it at the back of my head because I wasn’t strong enough to leave him, most commonly know as the “battered wife’s syndrome”. A few days after I got home, I started feeling pains in my vagina and under my belly button. I thought it was either I was pregnant or on my period, neither were the case. It got painful I couldn’t lie down or walk without being in pain. It felt like knives inside me and it wouldn’t stop. I told my best friend at the time what happened and she was in complete shock so after bearing the pain for days, my best friend and another couple of friends took me to the ER where the doctor examined me and gave me medication. I didnt tell the doctor why because I was scared. I left him a year later because I became stronger as a person. I never went to the police or anything I just let the abuse continue. I feel like I’m to blame for all this and years down the line I still cry about it. I’ve never written the whole story down until now. I’ve always tried to be strong but I feel so weak lately. I remember what happened like it was yesterday and writing this down is making me cry. I still feel like it just happened. I have so much anger in me now and even though I’m in a stable relationship for over 3 years now, I still have a lot of hate which I think I portray in this relationship sometimes. I guess it was my fault because I didn’t walk away straight away, but I wasn’t strong enough. Till this day it hurts and I hope that writing down what happened will ease a little bit of the pain I feel now. I may never completely heal but I hope it gets better over time. Is it my fault for staying, I don’t know, maybe but I have to live my life as much as I can.
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M. You & the person are the only two that lived through this. You do know that rape is not about the person (you) but about conntrol and that is exactly what this is, control. You were a victim, NOW A SURVIVOR! I know it is hard, but you MUST release the past because simply it can never be changed. Concentrate only on what you have control of and that is your future! Seriously, if you are in a stable relationship then do what you can to make that flourish into something even better. Try and get some counseling, I always encourage that. I was in it for a year and look where it landed me. Group counseling is really fantastic if there is no one around you that you think will undeserstand. Sometimes it really is easier talking to a stranger and being totally honest with no judgment. Just a few suggestions. Remember the positives no matter how samll or large. Stay strong! Lynn
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Thanks….i dont have any evidence i didnt report it when it happened and now i wish i had. he had moved away now he is moving back. im in a new relationship and the guy doesnt understand why it bothers me that he is moving back. what should i tell him? i dont want him to freak out and go after him or think it was my fault i feel bad enough as it is. i dont think i will have any problems with him being back but if i do im ready to do something about it i will turn him in and make it stop.
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also i have nightmares from it is there anything i can do to make them stop?
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B. As far as the mightmares. you need to write out your thoughts for the day at the end od every day. Whether or not you keep the notes it is a mental release thtat will help you eventually sleep better. It won’t happen right away and it depends on how much you really release through your writings. Sometimes I suggest that when you do go to counseling (which I feel is a MUST) take your notes so you can try and determine your trigger points and things to avoid that stresses you out. Or you can trash them but either way get it out of your head and on paper. As far as the guy, I would tell him straight up. You need someone that is going to supoort you and understand or at least try to and be there for you to lean on. You need to find out now by being honest if he can handle it or not. IF he acts like he wants to retaliate just let him know if he does anything he will only be hurting himself and that you have got it taken care of. And if and when you want to turn himm in, that is your choice (don’t tell him that part). Stay strong, Lynn
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H. I’m sure you did not let them rape you. Letting them is asking for it and being consensual through the entire act. So you need to forgive yourself for blaming yourself because YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME. Then throw all that anger and shame back onto those guys that did this to you and stole your teen years from you. Now stop focusing on the past that can’t be changed and think about how you want your future to be. Think about the things you do have control over. If you can get into some counseling through your local crisis center or through rainn.org just to help you get through these deep held feelings you’ve kept in for so long. I always tell people the longer they hold their feelings in the longer they need to take to work them out. So the sooner you start the better. I always suggest a journal for an immediate release or a friend possible on call 24/7 who you can open up to. STay strong! Lynn
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I don’t talk about my rape with anyone and it happened in 1992 but every year when the month of the rape comes around i get really depressed and want to just disappear i have hurt myself in the past and have little self worth at times. I was 12 years old and raped by 5 teenage boys i have a problem with trusting men and hold all my feelings inside then i just breakdown when i am alone and can’t let go of the past. I have spoken with a Dr about this and he just wanted to medicate me but i was always out of it and felt worse on the medication. This was my first sexual experience and i have found myself being abused by men in almost every relationship i get in and almost expect it from them and think they don’t love me if they don’t hurt me. I blame myself for the rape and since have found out my friend was raped by one of the men before i was but when she asked if anything happened to me i was to ashamed to tell her and i think that is why she didn’t tell anyone about her rape. I deal with it everyday i suffer 100% loss of hearing in my right ear and every time i look in the mirror i see a scar above my eye. I believe my not telling my friend made her hold her rape inside and a few years ago she shot and killed her mother when she had a mental breakdown. I feel if i could have told her we could have dealt with it together but i am still to ashamed to tell anyone the details and blame myself for letting them rape me. This was so long ago why is it still controlling my life.
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Hey Lynn,
I had to take Medical College Admission Test before I joined Medical School, and a friend requested a male friend to host me since the place I was to sit for the test was almost 300 miles away. I never asked her to do this for me, but being a friend I guess she was trying to help. When I went to his house the guy opened up to me showing me his sensitive side, and asked me to give him a hug. I sympathized and gave him the hug but the next thing is that he was on top of me. I was yelling, screaming, and even pushed him but he wouldn’t stop, he kept on going. I felt like I was going to die. When it was finally over, he begged me to be his galfriend, and wouldn’t take no for an answer. He asked why I was screaming, that he felt like he was raping me, and I told him that I felt that that was what he was doing. Asked him why he couldn’t stop, when I told him to and his answer was that he thought i was enjoying it. My immediate reaction was that I had been raped, but being too empathetic, and knowing that he was going to pharmacy school, I didn’t want to report it to the police as it would have ruined his future. I was also thinking of my friend who had sent me there, and so didn’t want to say something to her which would ruin their friendship. In the end, I dated this guy who raped me, coz its the only thing that made sense to me. I have broken up with him, though I can’t do anything about it, I know he raped me, and so does he. what should I do? Please help!
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A. The first and best thing is that you are now away from him! Now you need to do what you should have done to begin with, take care of yourself. Read back what you wrote to me and you’ll notice you were worried about the career of the man who raped you and the relationship between them. Where are you in all of this chaos? Seriously, you got away now try and make sure he doesn’t know where you are, if possible. Get into some type of counseling immediately. This was all about him controlling you and it doesn’t define you, it defines him and the he is a very good controlling rapist. I would also take a self defense class if I were you , especially if he does know where you live. Most importantly take little steps to help yourself. counseling, writing a journal for an immdiate release. Because of the fact that he had you under his control for a while after he raped you means you need to believe in yourself again because I bet he took that from you. Once you forgive yourself for staying with him and realize you didn’t do anything wrong you were just very manipulated you can start moving forward instead of concentrating on the past that can’t be changed. You are away from him and can be OK. But you have to put the effort into it and you will only heal as much as the effort you put into it. Stay strong, I believe in you and know you can do it. Lynn
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Hi Lynn,
Reading the stories above and your advice is already helping me. thank you and thanks for this web site.
I know that something happened to me last April 2008 on vacation. I was staying at a friend’s house, we’d just begun dating a week earlier although we’d known each other for a few months. We’d had sex already a couple of times and he’d asked me several times for anal sex and I said no. No option. I wasn’t interested in that and he should look for someone else if he wanted that.
I really don’t know what happened that night. I don’t know if I was drugged (I’d only had 4 vodkas the whole night so can’t have been the drink) or my mind has just blocked it out. I can’t even remember most of the evening before we came home. All I can remember is feeling pain and then that’s it – blackout. In the morning I knew what had happened. Somehow he’d forgotten the word ‘no’.
I thought I was dealing with things then all of a sudden I’m getting nightmares. I’ve mentioned ‘that night’ only to one friend I was close with as I’m really ashamed of what happened. Her reaction was ‘what’s wrong with anal’? So I haven’t talked to anyone else about it.
The guy in question was in the army. And I keep thinking, will he do the same thing to other women? Can I stop anything happening to anyone else?
And for me, I know I shouldn’t feel ashamed, but I do. It’s really hard to stop blaming yourself.
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SJ. I’m sorry the person you chose to turn didn’t react the way you wished that but should not detour you from getting the counseling you need. The fact is you said No and have always said no without wavering. Just stay away from the guy and stop blaming yourself, for what trusting him? You trusted this person and this is what he did to you always knowing you were not interested. And by the way, it doesn’t matter what anyone else is or isn’t into. It is your body and you are suppose to be in charge, not by someelse. That is a violation of your body and trust. This defines him not you. I would talk to someone through counseling that you have a client privledged relationship with and isn’t going to judge you. You need to truly understand this was in no way your fault. I always recommend writing your feelings out when you need an immediate release or you can’t sleep. But if you don’t get counseling it will be hard for you to really trust another man completely. So take care of yourself and concentrate on the future because that is what you have control over not the past. Stay strong! Lynn
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Hey. This is all very inciteful and helpful.
I’m not sure if I got raped or not at this point. I was really drunk as many have said before. I went to the bathroom with the guy after he pressured me a bit. We started messing around a little bit. And he said he wanted to fuck me. I said no, multiple times. I should have left at that point or never gone to the stupid bathroom, but I didn’t. Then I remember my pants getting ripped down and memories that seemed like we had sex. But I don’t remember really. I’ve recently gotten the guy’s number, as I had no real idea of who he was other than a friend’s friend (a bunch of us hanging out at a local bar). And I’m tempted to call him to ask him what actually happened. I’m not sure if I want to call him yet, but if I do the sooner the better. I’m contemplating assuming the worst that I could have STDS from this loser and am gonna go get tested. But I feel bad saying it was rape, when I didn’t really resist after a certain point. But when I get that drunk I am not as resistant as I’d like to be. I didn’t want it though, I don’t sleep around. Anyways. Not certain if I’m making it bigger than what it is. It seems easy to say it was rape, but I know I was irresponsible by drinking to the point of a space cadet. Please let me know what you think based on this post.
Thanks for your words and advice thus far in previous posts. Rather helpful. I have other things to contribute to this, but feel like it’s not directly connected to this, but is. I don’t know. I’m not in an english speaking country for a job, for a while, and don’t really know where to find counseling help that I’d appreciate.
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F. I sincerely apologize in my delay, my life has been a whirl wind the last 3 weeks with travel and experiences and is now finally starting to calm down. I understand your dilema and only you were there. But if you repeatedly said no and he didn’t respond to your no (which is sounds like by ripping off your panties) then yes I would consider this an acquaintance rape. Someone you met but really know nothing about and sexually assaulted you by overpowering you when you resisted. You have no idea how many people this happens too and then they give in because they can’t fight back or are scared and that is their way of defense to not get hurt worse and get out or even black out of the situation because you know they aren’t listening and controlling you know matter what you say. I would have no further contact with him (if you haven’t already) because it doesn’t matter what he says and if he thinks you think that he raped you he might go in self defense mode to all your mutual friends. The only reason you need his number is for health reasons or to give it to the police. he might have other complaints. It’s up to you but don’t call him because he will only try to control you through your thoughts and others, because that is what rape is control. Take care of yourself, go take some self defense classes. If it starts bothering you too much you may want to start counseling. If he even contacts you once, you go to the police. Be honest say you were drinking but you no you said no and he forced himself and you were embarresed and now he is trying to contact you what can you do. Now that being said, you may not get the response you want but at least you have a record of it and it’s very possible they will give you a restraining order so who cares what they think, take care of yourself. I also would only confide in a friend you can absolutely trust that is NOT a mutual friend os his. You need someone to listen ans support you but only one that doesn’t run in the same crowd and will pass no judgement. Stay strong! Lynn
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Hi Lynn,
Thanks for the reply. I guess I am really fortunate that the guy lives in a different country and I am not likely to meet up with him again.
I have since embarked on a new relationship. After reading the comments here I have also opened up to my new partner about what happened. I had to do something as I have been getting increasingly moody and stressed out with not telling anyone and trying to deal with it myself.
He is there for me and giving me hugs when I need it. I probably couldn’t ask for someone better, he’s so understanding! I’ve also for the first time put pen to paper to write things down from what I remember that night. I think I had about a days worth of crying doing both of these things. But letting out the emotions instead of bottling them up as I have done is helping. I feel now that I am on the healing path. And since writing things down and telling my partner I have managed for the first time in a long long time to get more than 4 hours sleep in a night.
It was a really reallyhard step to take and i know I have a long way to go. They always say the first step is the hardest and most difficult. But it’s now been done, thanks to you!
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My Live-in girlfriend of 5 years just recently informed me that she was raped a year ago and I am having a hard time dealing with it. We have been fighting alot because our relationship has not been the best and I confronted her about the lack of intimacy in the relationship(before I knew about the rape). I then found out that she was seeing someone else over the past 2 months which sparked our last fight where she told me about what had happened to her. She blames the rape for our lack of intimacy(which I can understand) and she also says it is the reason for her seeing this other guy. She claims that they have not had sex, that she loves me and this was a just a way for her to find some comfort. I am just trying to figure out if this all could have stemmed from the rape. If so is this something that can be fixed/repaired or should I consider our relationship over?
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M. It’s very difficult for a women to be comfortable with herself let alone another person after rape and unfortunately there is also no time frame, no way to sugar coat it. So really it is your call. More importantly as much as we want it after someone has been raped there life as they knew it is no longer. So here you are today, you both want it to be the way it was before, well not gonna happen. The good news is is can be better and stronger, but you have to work at it. If she is seeing another guy but no sex then she is able to be herself with no judgement (not that you are doing this) and no expectations from him. The last part is the most important, no expectations from him. She knows she is letting you down, but she needs totake care of herself first, get her head in the RIGHT place and then she can deal with everyone else. Now that being said, who knows what the guys intentions are… So if I were in your shoes, knowing what I know (and this is only my opnion for myself) I would think back to how the times were before the rape and ask yourself what were you thinking about your future. Were you contemplating marriage, kids, careers? Basically when things were good was it ever serious enough that you knew you wanted to spend the rest of your life with her? Because if the answer is yes then you need to stick with her now and try hard because if you both can get through this you will be stronger and more in love than ever. If the answer was no and you had doubts about the relationship which lead to where you are now then you might not have the strength that she is gonna need from you. Keep in mind you can’t heal her, only support and understand without judgment. Stay strong! Chrissy
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hi,
i was raped last december (so 11 months ago) by my boy friend of 5 months. i had gone down to get him for christmas (he lived 7 hours away, met him on facebook, only seen him once before then with my parents). I had a car wreck and while waiting on my parents i stayed at a motel my grandma paid for, i was scared and didnt want him to find me and come sit with me. I am a big fan of all those lifetime movies and it seemed like the perfect movie. I had left in the middle of the night and my parents didnt know, so they where already mad. He finally talked me into lettin him in and we started to have sex and i didnt want to finish after he went to the bathroom. i told him i didnt want to but he insisted, i felt dead as it was and said no a few times and stop but gave up, i didnt have the strength to fight it. shortly after he wanted to go get pizza so i gave him some money and he asked me if i was okay and i said ya i just felt like i was hungover and i hadnt been drinking at all. he said he has that effect on people and left. he came back shortly after my family memebers showed up, they were talking to me and left him outside, then brought him in to talk. we left him there. i didnt remember anything that happened when my parents got there and it slowly came back until one night (6 months after that day) at work one of my best friends that i worked with brushed my leg getting something and that night i had an anxiety attack and remembered almost everything, things are still coming back to me slowly. I have had a boyfriend since february so he has been with me when i had no clue what was going on and with me through finding out what happend and he is being really supportive. I just feel so bad for him becuase he shouldnt have to deal with my problems, but he does. He doesnt know how else to help and wishes he could. I wish i knew just how to forget everything that happend, i was wondering if going back to his town and the motel room would help me any, what do you think?
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HDL. Not sure how I feel about you going back to the hotel, I think going to a therapist would help you more. Because once you have these feelings or visuals you are gonna want to be with someone that can help you and clearly your boyfriend can only do so much. In fact let him off the hook a little and tell him the only thing you would like him to do is support you with no judgment and be there for you when you need him. let him know that is all he can do & that is all you expect. You are the only one that can help yourself so I would get some counseling. I wouldn’t be surprised if he slipped you something in your drink. Were you drinking anything after he got there. I only mention this because you said you weren’t drinking but felt like you had been. And if this guy you met on facebook for only the second time, seems a bit odd that he would expect this from you and you felt woosy. Just get some counseling, write out your feelings, especially anything that triggers memeories and maybe even take some self defense classes. Stay strong! Lynn
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I was raped by someone I thought was a friend about two years ago. I was told it was my fault because I had been drinking and that that this stuff just happens. So I never really dealt with it when it happened. About 4 months after the incident I had a relationship with a man who again kinda forced sex on me after I said we shouldn’t. Then after the relationship ended with the guy telling me he was just using me; his next girlfriend harassed me telling me I was a slut and that no matter how many guys I slept with I would never be any prettier or smarter. The harassment continued for a couple months until I blocked her phone number, her email, and deleted all my internet accounts. I have now been in a relationship with a man I love for a year now. He is absolutely amazing. When we began to be physical in our relationship I didn’t feel right about anything, and I sought out a therapist to figure out why. That is when I finally let me feelings out about the rape, and the situation with the boy using me and his crazy girlfriend. I feel like I have come to terms with what happened, but I still have problems with being physical with my boyfriend, and I know it frustrates him and make him feel unwanted. What can I do to get my desire back? Will it come back? Please help.
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T. depending on the future and solidity of your relationship I would recommend couples counseling. If the feeling is mutual about your future then it would be well worth it and not only help the two of you through this but you will become stronger in every aspect as a building block for your future. You have to become comfortable with yourself completely and then you will be comforatble with him and vice versa. Start having date night once a week with no depressing talk on the agenda. Buy something sexy but that you feel comfortable in, he will notice it in you. But I do feel counseling at the very least for you is necessary. Stay Strong! Lynn
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I went to a college party a little over a month ago. I was very intoxicated to the point I was throwing up and I eventually blacked out. I woke up to a guy having his way with me. As soon as I realized what was happening I freaked out and pushed him off me and ran away screaming. I went into my best friends room and told her what had happened, she told me that I was flirting with that guy all night and I had no reason to be upset over what had just happened. I didn’t want what happened to me, I had no control over telling him no. I don’t remember anything that happened that night, I sometimes wonder if he slipped something into my drink. I feel extremely alone with this because my best friend told me I deserved it. Even though deep down I know I didn’t deserve what happened to me its still hard to get over. I am now trying to be in a relationship with someone that I had met and I told him what had happened to me and he has been extremely supportive of me. But I don’t know how to let him love me, or even care about me. Just last night I tried to cuddle with him and I couldn’t because I was afraid he was going to hurt me. I don’t want to be alone with this. I just need help and someone to talk to. This website has help me so much in understanding that I’m not alone with this. I just want to know if i’m ever going to be able to be loved again.
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A. You absolutely can, as soon as you can love yourself to the extent of understanding you need to get the help you need so you can learn how to deal with it in the future. The sooner the better, which is obvious because it is already affecting your current relationship. That is normal that we all put off getting help and it ends up affecting our lives in so many different ways. I always tell people they have to focus on getting through today and something positive in the day. The perfect positive point in your story is that you already know you didn’t deserve what happened to you. That’s like saying every girl that flirts or drinks too much deserves to be raped and we all know that isn’t true. So you already have a head start. You have to to distant yourself from the non supporters and find at least 1 good friend you can hopefully turn to 24/7 that won’t judge you. Let them know they don’t have to know what to do or what to say just be there. Don’t talk to anyone that is known for running their mouths. Also, write a journal or just get your feelings out of your head and throw it away. This is an excellent release if you can’t sleep, need to cry, need to just be honest and know that no one will see it, there is no right or wrong it is just feelings you need to release when no one else is there. It truly helps and if you do keep it and reflect back sometimes you can determine your trigger points. And I like to recommend taking a self defense class since your sense of security from this guy AND your friends you never know…. I hope I helped. They might have a counselor at your college you could seek counseling from or a local crisis center or check rainn.org. Stay strong! Lynn
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I was raped a little over a year ago. I was at a party and of course, was drinking. This is mostly why I blame myself. I woke up to him inside me, and it hurt like hell. I said no and tried to push him off of me, but with the alcohol, it didn’t have much effect. I didn’t scream, I don’t really know why it’s like I wasn’t even inside my body. When I woke up the next morning, my clothes were on the floor, and I knew it was for real. I tried to explain it to my friends, but no one understood, they just assumed I got wasted and hooked up with a guy. For the longest time, I even partially believed that it wasn’t rape. Was it? I mean I know I had been drinking. But I didn’t want it. I didn’t even know what he was doing until I woke up. I have a boyfriend who is there for me but as much as he says he understands, I know he still has a hard time with it. I don’t know what to do, sometimes I go days without thinking about it, but other times I’ll be terrified to go to sleep because I’m afraid I’ll get raped again. I still have nightmares, and I hate them. Any tips on how to make them stop? I also just wanted to say thank you, you’re site has helped a lot and this is the first help I’ve tried to get, outside my small group of friends. You have helped a lot of people, and I just wanted to say God bless you for being a survivor
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M. It is difficult when you don’t remember but if you didn’t consent because you were passed out it was rape. If you didn’t pass out but just remember then it is hard to tell because you may have been into it and then decided no, but if you have a boyfriend do you think that might have been the case? Normally if you are happy with your boyfriend you would not most likely be flirting or wanting it. And even if you were let me be clear, that still doesn’t justify rape. the fact that you told him no and tried to push him off is when he should of backed up said he was sorry and explained that he thought the situation was going the other way and didnn’t want to do anything you didn’t want to do. If that didn’t happen, then he did rape you. You have to forgive yourself for drinking because that doesn’t mean you want to be raped otherwise that means everyone who drinks wants to be raped and we know thats not the fact. So forgive yourself for the drinking. As far as the nightmares or having a hard time sleeping, you need to write a journal, don’t tell anyone just write out your feelings before you go to bed, in the bath or something to relax you and get it out oof your head and on paper. That is my best suggestion for an immediate release. Also, get some counseling if it continues to bother you, maybe even couples counseling if you think this relationship could be the one then do it now not later. I hope that helps! Stay strong Lynn
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Lynn, thanks for the incite. I super appreciate it. I needed to hear a voice outside the situation.
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I was raped (i don’t want to tell the details) when i saw this it was like oh my god this has happened to someone else! i can’t get over it my life is ruined people who know just stare at me mouth agape. i dont know what to do i’ve had many suicide attempts and im still healing or trying at least. i dont feel responsible but i dont have any evidence i cant turn them in and i feel so mad. how do i deal with this nothing works.
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Ag. I was gone for thanksgiving so sorry for the delay. The first and most important thing for you to do is seek counseling. Second if this person is still around you, take a self defense class. Don’t let this asshole dictate your life by you trying to kill yourself, then he wins. Is that what you want? Hell no! You need to know the you are worthy of living your life. You need to know that this doesn’t define you this defines him as a rapist. Things will never be the same as they were, BUT things can be better. It sounds like you want to get feeling better but you are only going to do that as much effort as you put into it. That means get yourself some counseling. Go to rainn.org and find a counselor in your area. Call your local crisis center who can help or either refer you, just do it and do it now. The quicker you get help the quicker the healing process starts. It won’t be easy, I’m not gonna lie. It will be harder before it gets easier but it will get easier. another thing is concentrate on something that makes you happy and take it one day at a time. don’t woryy about next week or month just getting through today. Also, I can tell you if you don’t have a pet, get one they give you unconditional love with no judgment and keep you company when you are lonely. Lastly, find one person that you can completely confide in that you can trust completely and won’t judge you. You need a person you can turn to 24/7 when you need them (you can find these people at group therapy who truly understand how you feel). Let them know you don’t expect them to heal you just be there to listen or a shoulder to cry on when needed. And when they aren’t there or until you find someone, write out all your feelings. this is an excellent release and then throw it away or take to the counselor to discuss. Remember God didn’t put is on the earth to know how to deal with rape, you need help so get it and start building a better future for yourself. But it will only get better by how much time you put into it. Stay strong the world needs you! Lynn
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im just 14 & i was raped in september as a virgin by a mate i’d known for a long time, but i was dealing with it and people were really helping me but now everyones turned agaisnt me friends & a few of my family all of a sudden don’t believe me just because my mum said i was changing my statemet. i also got pregnant by the guy and i had a miscarriage well my aunt told me it was. and everyone at my school ( i don’t go to school at the moment just aint up for doing anything ) well everyone at my school is calling me a baby murderer. i try to move on ive even tried getting hooked on drugs and stuff i just cant deal with it anymore. my mum has a consueller and anti depressents aswell as my dad but i have nothing. my mum reckons she phones up but nothing ever happens and they don’t understand how i feel i told my mum the next day she’d told a load of people what i told her i can’t even trust her and i don’t want to talk to my dad cause his a man. i try to stay strong but i just dont have anything to be strong about. i keep seeing that night and hardly sleep about it and even im convienced i must of done something to kill that baby even tho i didn’t know i was pregnant.
no one understands i think i have just 2 mates who i can actually talk to but thats over msn. and it don’t help much. i just dont know what to do anymore. cause no one believes me anymore 😦 but i swear on everyones life he did. i said no and he forced my legs appart and done it i didnt scream.. i knoww. but he was my mate 😦 & i kinda feel guilty for telling the police and now his girl friend is after me with a load of her mates… 😦 i just dont no what to do….
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R. I’m so very sorry you feel so alone and I truly believe you, ok? So know that I understand and believe you and you are not alone. I hate this this happened to you at such a young age and you are not getting the support you need. Don’t feel guilty about anything, you are letting these people get to you and they weren’t there, so they don’t know. You need to believe in yourslef that this wasn’t your fault and you did nothing wrong. So what you didn’t scream, many don’t because they can’t believe it is happening,, scared, being overpowered and don’t want to be hurt more. It is called going into safety mode. If someone can rape you, they are capable of doing worse. You foght back and he overpowered you, you were raped and this is something that happened to you, but doesn’t define you! It defines him as a rapist. You need to be seeing a counselor/therapist. Go to rainn.org, they are international and might have someone they can refer you to, please check it out. If at the very least ask your mum to get you into counseling. Can you transfer schools and start over somewhere new and maybe even see a counselor at that school? Nevertheless, get help for yourself if your mother isn’t and go to rainn.org. I would suggest calling and speaking with someone, telling them your age where you are, the situation with your parents and that the rape was reported and see how they can help. It is an anonymous call but you have to do it, I don’t want this to control your life I want you to control your life and drugs and not going to school and your parents/friends (or so you thought) aren’t helping. Do the right thing for yourself and get help through rainn.org school counselor, church, someone who is a professional and not going to judge you. Stay strong! Lynn
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hi,
i have been raped repeatedly by a person i thought was very close to me over the course of the past 3 years. i am only a teenager now, and was not even one then, so i am still having a hard time dealing with this. since this happened, i have moved away from my home, to live with different relatives. i find myself in a much happier state of mind here, although when i think about everything that happened i still have urges to self-harm. i know the consquences of this, but it is extremely difficult to get rid of those feelings. because of what took place, i almost always have a “dirty” feeling, like i’m not good enough, and i can not trust men. i have told my aunt and uncle, whom i’m now living with, and this was reported. i do feel somewhat better now that i am not the only one who has to carry this burden, but i almost feel worse for putting it on others. i don’t know what to do, and i wish i could just explain myself and forget about it for good. but it’s not easy.
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S. I’m glad you were able to get out of the situation and have support now BUT if you are having these feelings you need professional help and that’s not to come across as a bad thing, I mean it in a good way because every sexual assualt victim out there needs to receive professional counseling/therapy. We are not born with a device in our brain on “how to deal with rape”, therefore we need to reach inside ourselves and dig down deep to get the courage to seek help because only we can help ourselves. And we will only get better by the amount of time we invest. Support is wonderful and you are lucky for that but because this happened to you repeadedly by someone you trusted if you don’t get professional help this is going to badly affect the rest of your life. I’m not trying to scare you I’m just stating the facts. There are a lot of separate issues that need to be addressed and the first being that you need to believe deep down to your soul this wasn’t your fault and you were totally taken advantage of no matter what the circumstances. If you already know and believe this then you have the hardest part done and can face everything else that comes to you. It won’t be easy but if you get professional help it WILL be a better outcome in the long run and you will have control over your life back and that means over your thoughts too, very iimportant. I wish we could all just forget about it but unfortunately, not a one of us ever do, which is why we have to learn how to deal. Your friends and family can only help by support, you need the most important help from a professional. I’m so very sorry this happened to you but I must say so far it sounds like you have handled this well by getting to a safer place and letting people know that this has happened. That took a lot of courage so keep that courage up and keep doing the right things and get professional help. If by chance you don’t like the first counselor, don’t give up just keep trying, I promise you and the rest of your life is worth it. You are worthy of the best. Stay strong! Lynn
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I was raped 5 years ago and i did want to tell people but i couldnt. I told my parents but i didnt tell them the whole story because i was too ashamed. My parents pursuaded me to tell the police which i did but because my dad was with me i didnt tell them the whole story either. I now have a boyfriend who i love and i told him everything which made me feel better. I am having a sexual relationship with my boyfriend now but afterwards all i see is my attackers face and i can burst into tears whilst having sex (which i frustrating for both of us). My boyfriend has tried to pursuade me to have counselling to get over it but i dont like talking about it and i just want that part of my memory erased. I have contemplated suicide because i just dont know how to deal with it but i havent actually been able to do it which means that i dont really want to die. I want to be able to havea normal relationship where i dont always burst into tears. Will counselling help????????
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S. What you need to understand is that we are not hardwired to deal with rape, so to answer you question, absolutely counseling will help. if your relationship goes to the next level he might want to have some counseling as well, if not the two of you together. We all wished it would just go away but as you can see it doesn’t. And the deeper we shove it the longer it takes to come out and the worse it is when it does. The fact that you found this site looking for help means you want to talk, you just don’t want to say it out loud. None of us do, but truat me the more you release the more room you make to heal. Also, try writing as a release and go to rainn.org to look for a counselor near you or even try calling your local crisis center. Take it one step at a time. Stay strong! Lynn
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I was raped May of 2008. I had just turned seventeen and was a virgin. I had known the guy for a long time and we had never even kissed. I was over at his house, which I shouldve thought better about, but I had been over there several times before and it had been fine. There was no alcohol or drugs involved. I refused to cry about it. I didnt tell anyone until about it until this past January when I told my best friend. I cried when I told her and I hated myself for it.
Part of me wants to tell my parents, but growing up my mom always told me that rape was the girl’s fault. She said that if she wouldve been dressed modeslty, not flirting, and been where she was supposed to be, it wouldnt have happend and the girl was asking for it. I know I sounds childish, but I also know she wont understand, and my dad wouldnt be able to handle it. And is there any point in telling them now?
After that I was completely hollow, since I wasnt a virgin nothing mattered. When my boyfriend pressed for sex, I didnt stop him. I knew if i tried I couldnt anyways. I would only make him mad and then it would hurt. I had this menatilty through the rest of highschool. Then I found a guy I really cared about. I told him about it last March and he understood. But I knew he loved me and everytime he got close to me in a sexual way I would cry. If I knew a guy didt really want a relationship with me, then I didnt care. But if a guy cared about me and got close (physically or emotionally), I cried.
I decided in May that I was through with that. Everything. And I was raped again. I almost feel like I should just say yes. It hurts so much less to say yes than it does to say no and have it taken from you anyways.
I can’t feel loved. When a guy comes to me i feel like i should give him what he wants so itll just be over with. I know Im destroying myself, but i feel like im protecting myself too. But theres a guy who cares about me now and wants nothing like that and im interested but im scared. I feel like I cant love him past a certain point and its all kind of hollow. I dont understand it at all. I cried today for the second time about being raped, and the for the first time after the second rape.
I blame my parents a bit, for not knowing, for not reading signs, but I know thats unfair. I blame myself for being where I was both times. Ive never blamed the guys. I feel like thats just a natural behavior they have difficulty controlling. Just their nature. At least Im not mad at God anymore.
I dont know if this is all a side effect to being raped, or if I just have some serious mental issues. Either way Im hoping you can help.
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B. To let you know right off the bat, yes these are “common” behaviors of rape victims. The first thing I feel the real need to make you understand is that YOU WERE NEVER TO BLAME! NEVER! Seriously, it makes me so very sad to hear and feel what you’ve beenthrough but it makes me more sad for you to blame everyone but the rapist. More importantly, placing any blame at all on yourself. And I feel that deep down you know this b/c you sound pretty smart by not believing the ignorance your parents preached (sorry) but that is ignorance and you know it. What happened to you doesn’t define you, it only defines your rapist as a rapist by what he chose to do to you. You didn’t choose to be raped! I feel you need to not think about boys for a while and get yourself some counseling through school, church, crisis center or even try rainn.org. Just stop worrying about everyone else and take care of your self b/c you are under some very self destructive behavior & it would really hurt me is something more happened to you. You deserve good and now you have to help yourself get better. Don’t even think about sexual relationships right now. And until you can get into any professional help write out your feelings as a release so they don’t get all ocked up inside and make you crazy. You can throw them away or keep them for talking to the counselor just really help yourself. you deserve it, not what these assholes did to you. The more time you help yourself to heal by making the right decisions, the quicker and brighter your future will be. Stay strong! Lynn
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I was raped 5 days ago for the second time. I had managed to push away the feelings of the first rape and even managed to talk about it to my boyfriend. But this time has not only crushed me because of what it was but also because i allowed it to happen a second time. It has brought back so many of the feelings i had hidden so well about the first time.
I went out with some girl friends and after an o.k night, she started talking to an American rock star that was in the area. I agreed to go with her to the hotel for a party.
I feel completely responsible for what happened. I am not understanding my thought process throughout the whole night, i wasn’t myself. I was drinking but that wasn’t a factor. I know i can hold my drink. I was very subdued for the whole night, very out of character, i haven’t found an answer to this yet but i will keep looking, possibly the new medication i had started the day before but even to me that doesn’t make sense.
My friends left and i decided to stay, this to me is so out of character, especially as i really wasn’t having that good of a night and had spent most of it on my own. I carried on talking to people and to the rock star and felt completely at ease. At around 6am he suggested we go lay down, i saw no problem in it, there had been no flirting or any hint of attraction between us, i mean he’s a rock star hes famous, what the hell would he see in me? and fully clothed on top of the sheets i lay down and promptly passed out.
Around 7.30am i woke up to his hair in my face, my jeans and knickers were half pulled off and he was inside me, it took me a second to work out what was going on, i pushed him in the chest and asked what the “f” he was doing and to get out of me. He said he wanted to be in my p***y, i said no, but at that moment i i got flash backs of the first rape, i was no longer there with the rock star i was back with the guy that did it first. The rockstar pulled out but then lent over me and masturbated on me. I felt sick, but i did nothing, absolutely nothing, i just lay there and took it. I’m a fighter, “I’m not shy when it comes to standing up for myself, so why didn’t i then. He had pulled out, i had control, he did as i asked but yet i let him finish. Why didn’t i fight him. I feel ashamed and disgusted with myself, for not only placing myself in such a position but for then laying there and taking it with out fighting.
I got up and went to the bathroom and as i walked away from him the only words he spoke were “who wears a chain belt?” I cleaned myself up and got dressed and went into the lounge for a cigarette, when i went back he was asleep and i had to wake him to call me a cab, he called ‘his people’ and then went back to sleep again.
I called my boyfriend immediately and asked him to come over. He didn’t react how i wanted him to, he didn’t believe me and shouted at me and screamed at me. This went on for days, i tried and tried to make him believe me, but i couldn’t give him the answers he wanted, i don’t understand it so how could i make him understand.
We made a break through last night and he has since confessed that he wanted to believe it was a one night stand and that i was lieing because it made it easier on him. He hadn’t even thought of how i was thinking. Since then he has been my true support.
We have been having sexual intercourse, and it has been hard, i can’t have the lights out and we are consciously not doing things to bring back memories. It is very strange for both of us.
We have contacted rape help lines but so far they have only spoken to him and he felt he did not get help from it and the only way he will is for me to get help and understand what went on that night. I cannot get my head around the fact that he had managed to take my jeans off and knickers and i had not woken up, the “chain belt” that he referred to was wrapped around me twice, he must have struggled with it but still i did not wake up. I am so ashamed in myself. How can i blame the man when i put myself on a plate to him? I want to be mad at him but i am just so cross at myself. My boyfriend says he is sending the rock star a letter, this makes me so mad, but why? He deserves to know what he did to me, but i cannot face him writing to him. This again makes no sense to me. Or may i add to my boyfriend.
I know i have to face up to the first rape, i never talked about it and now its back in my head. How do i forget all this and move on?
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N. Let me start by saying you are a lot stronger than you think you are so give yourself some credit instead of tearing yourself apart. Not only did you try to deal with the first rape but then you put your boyfriend before you. You need to take care of you first. Now let me explain a possible reason why you didn’t do anything. When you are in a situation like that and have been through it before, not only are you in say a “state of shock” and you can’t believe it is happening and don’t know what to do. So it is easier to do nothing, and think by it being over it will just be done and you won’t get hurt worse. But it hurts way deeper on the inside than the out. Outside injuries can fade but inside injuries need to be dealt with care. What I mean is we are not born to ever in our lives to just know how to deal with rape and I need you to understand this because you think you did the first time. The fact that your boyfriend has gone is a tremendous effort on his part and means he truly cares, so that is so awesome BUT when are you going to get the professional help you need? You have to take care of yourself first and ONLY then can you deal appropriately with others and with respect to yourself. So first forgive yourself and stop beating yourself up. This guy was an asshole and control is normal to him and that is what he did to you. He had his own needs & didn’t care how you felt when he took them, therefore he is the guilty shameless bastard that is use to control. This has nothing to do with who you are, other than make you more aware of your surroundings and understand that none of us can just trust people before getting to know them, unfortunately. Know that is not a bad trait of ours but only of theirs. Get some professional counseling and get your head right and then you can deal with the rest. The time you put into your counseling will be what determines the results you get, but it is worth it and so are YOU! Stay strong Lynn
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I have heard storys of a man being raped and it has killed me! it happened when he was little but it still its with him at night. i dont want this to happens to kids because it is very hurtfull in a way you can not see. this feeling is kept in forever and every now and then they come out and leave you a mess. One girl said to just erase it from your memory but it cant. just take one day at a time and remember god will take care of the ones who did you harm! in one way or another he will deal with these CRAZY PEOPLE!!!
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C. I totally agree with you and in Karma. And you are also right that it will always be a part of us, BUT the more we learn to deal and get help the better quality of life we have, we just have to go through the work to get there. Was we learn to deal, then it isn’t “kept in forever”, we learn to let it out and learn it doesn’t define us, it is just an unfortunate thing that happened to us, we didn’t do it to ourselves. Once we realize it ONLY defines the person that did this to us and NOT the victim it is easier to deal with. thanks for your post. Happy holidays! Lynn
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About four months ago i was raped by one of my best mates and that was how i lost my virginity. I’d always planned on waiting til marriage, i had fooled around before, but i knew sex was something i wanted to reserve for my husband and having that taken from me makes me feel sick to my stomach. I know i put myself in a bad situation with him, but he promised so many times that he wouldn’t do it, even in the minute before hand. It took so long for me to even come to terms with what happened, i just kept treating him like a normal friend, i guess it just didn’t sink in. In the week after it happened, i met this boy at school and we soon started dating. I told him what had happened and explained that i didn’t want our relationship to move to fast sexually and had planned in my head never to have sex with him. He didn’t really listen to this and within 2 and a half weeks of dating we began having sex because he kept pressuring and i was so desperate to feel loved i agreed. At first i believed i was regaining control but i soon released i was cheapening my perceptions of sex. one day he looked me in the eye and told me he’d lost interest in me and that tore me up. a few weeks later i attended a party and got blind drunk and ended up having sex with 2 guys and doing sexual stuff with quite a few more. i know these were choices i wouldn’t have made if i had been sober, however my school friends decided that i was a slut and i began to believe them. I began taking part in many forms of self-abuse and then slowly began to regain my former self, and i started to let myself be happy again. however three weeks ago i got extremely drunk again and went home with two guys who i didn’t know and had sex with both of them. it made me feel so cheap and disgusting and i hate myself for letting it happen again. As a retaliation to this i ended up sleeping with my mate who i lost my virginity to, but this just made me feel more empty and disgusted with myself. In the last week i’ve begun drinking excessively and have become extremely depressed and quite frankly i’m running out of ideas of how to cope. Please help me
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JL. The very first thing you need to do is stop emotional drinking and right now if you can’t tell the difference between social drinking & emoitional drinking then stop all together. You are self abstructing within yourself and you need to feel in order to heal. which means you need to go through and feel the emotions that are so deep inside and deal with them. The more you let out the more room you have to heal HOWEVER I don’t mean let out through alcohol or drugs I mean through professional help. You can go to rainn.org and find some one anonymously in your area that can help or refer you to help. But right now you are in such a out of body state sometimes you need to think and plan ahead to not put yourself in vulnerable situations, which by the way is very common with people that have been sexually abused so don’t beat yourself up. The worst thing you did was trust someone else, as you said there was no attraction it was late you felt safe. In what part does that make you guilty of something? It doesn’t. Make a journal so you can have a release or maybe even what you want to talk to the counselor about, like what triggers you. But first remember you didn’t ask for this so forgive yourself; and know because of this you need to really seek professional help. You have no idea that what you went through is so very common, because we are confused and don’t know where to turn so we go where we think we are wanted, in reality that is a normal reaction for anything, think of it that way. But it is very important that you reach out to someone and stop the emotional drinking because that never helps a situation and may place you another vulnerable position. I’m so very sorry this happened but go take care of yourself and the counselor will be able to help with your boyfriend too! If you don’t like the first one, don’t give up get another and make your recovery a priority for you and your future. You are worth it! Stay strong! Lynn
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hello
i wrote to you on here about oct last year and i just felt like i needed to write again. im still keeping a diary and writing down how i feel, but im still scratching myself? i went from feb to nov without doing it once and now i am again? im not sleeping well and have lost my appetite and im stressed so im really struggling to tell myself that im doing fine
But i dont really understand why?, i started a brilliant job in june and i love it and im really really happy there so i cant work out why im so down again? theres still a few problems at home but no more than usual?
And nobody knows what happened still so its not like there is anybody to bring it all back up?
Recently i cant stop thinking about how its ruined everything, am i always going to have to think about that day? will i always be scared? will i ever be able to open up to somebody? I wonder all the time if i let it happen, could i have fought back more and if i had done something different that morning the whole day would have been different and i wouldnt have got myself in this mess.
Im angry because what i want more than anthing is somebody that i can trust enough to talk too, somebody who will understand, but im scared i cant ever have that now. I want to be able to meet someody, get married or have children like other people have, if they can why cant i?
Im just worried that il never get over this, or be able to actually tell somebody exactly what happened to me like other people seem to be able to do.
How long will it be till i can forget it and move forward and feel how i used to? and most of all im scared that what im feeling is not normal and theres something wrong with me.
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Scared, the person you can talk to and that can help is a counselor. You would be able to open up tell everything and get the appropriate help. You do not necessarily want to do this with a guy you want to be in a relationship with yet. I would find a counselor through rainn.org or through your local crisis center, or even your employer might have an EAP plan (employee assistance plan) which is completely confidential to everyone including your employer (by law) and free for a certain number of visits. Usually larger employers offer this and it is a wonderful benefit that a lot of people don’t know about. What you are feeling IS NORMAL BUT scratching yourself is not so as much as you are trying to do this alone you can see for yourself it is not working. The other thing you must STOP doing is thinking coulda, shoulda, woulda because that helps nothing and nothing can be changed in the past so stop focusing on that. Take all that energy and focus on the future and your recovery. You will only recover by the amount and time you put into your recovery, that is a fact. If you push it down inside it will still come out and usually at the wrong time. Once you are able to get your head straight and forgive yourself then you can and will be able to be in a successful relationship, and at a certain time you will tell him, but you must be able to deal with it yourself and be strong when you do because we never know how people are gonna react and you need to be able to handle it whatever the reaction is. Because remember only you can help yourself you can’t expect that from anyone else other than a professional. It’s great you are still keeping a journal and once you find a counselor you can take it with you and go over important things like maybe trigger points so they can help you. I know you are strong and I know it is hard but you are worth it! Stay strong! Lynn
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for the past few months my ex boyfriend has been beating me. Hitting me and cutting me. I have dated other guys since we broke up. But my ex always ruined it, my boyfriends would get Frustrated and just give up. Finally he went to jail only for a month but he still got punished. He got out last Friday. I’ve started seeing this new guy who I really like he treats me great and he knows about me ex and still is with me. Since my ex got out the beating has started again even my ex’s friends jump in. Last night he raped me. I can’t help but feel its my fault for letting it happen. It was all so sudden. I feel so alone and depressed like I dontt deserve to live. I feel worthless beyond belief. I don’t know why he would do this. I dontt have many friends. Three the most including my boyfriend. And the other two are guys. I don’t know if I should tell them so they can help or if I should just deal with it on my own. As for my parents I can’t tell them becuase they would just say its my fault, I deserve it, and how I let this happen to myself. I need advice I don’t know what to do. How do I make myself feel better or worth something. How do I know is not my fault? Please help!n
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B. You must understand that rape is control which is exactly why your ex raped you. He IS controlling you physically, especially since he knows he can’t do it mentally. He will continue and you need to protect yoursefl. #1) Report him and get a restriction that he can’t come within so many feet of you or he will be arrested. #2) start a self defense class immediately #3) stay away from any guys that areimportant to you until this calms down because that will only make the situation worse if he is stalking you #4) call a crisi center immediately to get a safety plan for yourself and maybe if you can hang out with someone that he doesn’t know where they live to give you some space and some time tin order to implement an game plan on how to deal with this situation. You must take this situation serioulsy and get the cops involved as well as seeking counseling/therapy immediately. Take care and stay strong! Lynn
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I was raped by someone who I thought had been my friend, on August 21st 2009. There was a party at his house, I don’t remmeber that night very well, but my friends sister and friend, apparently had to bust down the door because they heard me crying and screaming, they came in and saw 2 guys on top of me, they pushed them off and tried to get me dressed. We all tried to leave and then by that time my brother and his friends had gotten there, the boy that raped me, and his brother, tried to fight my brother and his friends, threatening them with stolen guns and pocket knives. I didn’t remember much, but then I started too, in my dreams, they would wake me up at night, and then a few weeks later, I had to go to the doctor because they gave me something i have to live with forever even though pills made it go away, and now, tonight I cried my heart out, all I could see was him, everywhere, I had a panic attack. I havent had a boyfriend or anyone since him, im too scared to. How can I make myself not be so scared of every guy that I don’t trust?
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J. That is pretty scary but thank God your family and friends were ablle to help. Nonetheless, you really need to get counseling because we are not wired as individuals on how to deal with rape, therefore you need professional help. Trust me if you read any of these posts you can tell they have all tried to deal with it themselves and not a one has been able to out of over 500 posts. You can go to rainn.org anonymously and find a counselor in your area or go call your local crisis center, church, or just a counselor from the phone book (but I would look for a woman). Something that might help you sleep better is to write out your thoughts either just before bed or when they are bothering you, just as a release out of your mind. You can throw it away or save it and discuss when you find a counselor. Also, try and take a self defense class because that is gonna help with your sense of security now and in the future. I hope you pressed charges and didn’t let their threats scare you, because that is all about control and that is what the act of rape is about – control. So know it is not about you and it doesn’t define you, it is an act that happened to you and only defines them as rapists. You need to take care of yourself and get help. Your family and friends can’t help you only support you because the only people that completely understand is someone who has been raped (you might want to even check into group counseling, it is the best) or a trained professional. So help yourself because the quicker you get help thhe quicker your future will be brighter. Stay strong! Lynn
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In April 2009 I was raped a month later I found out i was pregnant.when I found out I was devastated because I knew it would mean talking to my parents about what happened to me. I found out my mum was raped when she was eleven so she knew what I was going through my dad has also been supportive. I decided to keep the baby,even though people think it’s wrong and disgusting because of how she was concieved but I feel so protective of her,yet at the Same time I feel like I won’t be a good mum.how can I make that feeling go away it makes me feel so sad.why do I feel like I will never be in a relationship again because I feel so disgusted and sick to my stomach when it comes to sex,therefore I will not give that to a guy,I’m so scared it will happen to me again, I feel so weak and I don’t know what to do. I start crying in front of people and lie about why I’m crying,how do I get to that happier place?
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Lost lil girl, my website has had issues & just fixed it so sorry for the delay… What you are going through is an extremely tough situation but be glad that you have the suppport of your parents and the people that don’t support you seperate yourself from. You are expecting a baby that YOU chose to keep and love, and that is YOUR choice. Everyone is different and it is their own choice based on what they think they can handle. What this proves to me is that you are one strong individual and you are willing to put the bad behind you and bring a life into this world. It takes one strong individual to do that and God Bless You! This isn’t about the rape anymore it is about your future NOT your past and that is what you have to concentrate on. Listen, my daughters bsd (baby sperm donor) hasn’t been in my daughters life ever and I now know it was the best thing and even though he beat me and cheated on me he still gave me the best thing in life, my daughter! Without her I don’t know where I would be and I was 16 when I had her. No child support or hell even mental support for me or her but guess what? We both learned we didn’t need him and were better off without him and ultimately, made me a stronger individual for it. I turned something bad into good and so can you. I was scared too at 16 trying to have a baby when he wasn’t around but my parents supported me and my friends at school were no more. I was alone pregnant BUT determined that my baby was more important than any of the friends I thought I had. Most importantly she had no idea how she got there but she knew she was loved, probably even more because she didn’t have a father. My daughter is 28 now and one of the most strongest individuals (and stubborn) I know and I have so much pride in my heart for her. She is my only but she is my world. The reason I’m telling you this even though my pregnancy was not from rape, is because it’s not about the past. It is about your future and the fact that you have a supportive family is so powerful and wonderful! So don’t let the others bring you down becuase does it really matter? I mean when your baby is running around taking his/her first steps and saying momma for the first time, that is precious and the fact that you want that is precious. Some people can’t do it or understand and that’s OK too but you have decided you can and you will so don’t psych yourself out and think you can’t. You made this decision because you want to try so just do it and stop thinking about the past that you can’t change and put all that energy into your future because you have complete control of you and your baby’s future. It will be hard but I know you are strong and have a wonderful support system so make the most of it and the only relationship you need to worry about right now is your family’s. I always suggest counseling, because we are not hard wired on how to deal with rape. And since I know you are strong try and go to rainn.org and find a counselor in your area to help you adjust because you will be going through a lot of mixed feelings and I promise you they can help. And as far as the crying, the more the better because you are letting those feelings out and that means you are making more room to heal, not to mention your hormones are nuts so blame it on that if you cry in front of someone. I admire you, truly for what you are doing and not many people could do it, so who cares what other people think, it’s your life not theirs! Stay strong! Lynn
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hi again, i understand u must be busy, i hope u dont mind me posting again.
im really sorry i just feel like i have so many questions and i don’t know where to get the answers.
its been about a week now since it happened. it still hurts, it that normal? i see him in my head all the time, i feel like he’s there all the time.
i knew he wasn’t safe, i knew he was violate, why did i think it was ok to go in? why didnt i get up from the sofa and run out before he had the chance to do anything? i wish the pain would stop, i can live with the bruises and other physical pain, except between my legs, but the emotional pain is what i can only describe as destroying. i find myself sitting down just thinking of ways to make it dissapear and then i just get really upset when everything i think of i either can’t do or won’t do.
i daydream of every moment i should of got away, i should never of got into my bros car, never got out of his car, never walked up the drive, never knocked, never walked in, never of sat on sofa, never of let him touch me, as soon as i knew i should of left, when my heart started racing, when he said don’t be scared, thats the moment i should of got up and ran for the door, it should never of gone any further. why did i let it get that far?
when he was doing it, i tried to stop him, i really did i just couldn’t get him off me. the hours i spent with him i didnt think id leave alive, the more he did things and made me do things the more i felt like i was dieing.
at university i have to go places by myself, how do i handle that? at the moment i feel that every man is a threat.
the nightmares – my mum came in my room last night cause i was screaming, i had to lie and say id watched a scary movie! i have about 3-4 hours sleep a day, everytime i hav a nightmare about my dad doing what he did i cant get back to sleep, i can hear him in my ear, i feel his hands, i can smell him and the last thing i want to do is sleep.
i only really thought of this earlier and now i cant stop thinking about it, he didn’t use a condom and i’m not on the pill. what do i do? when will i be able to check if im pregnant or not? please help me find the answers.
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A. Please accept my apologies for not getting back to you quicker, I was having problems with the website and just got it fixed. I did not allow your post to be seen but you are right about one thing, I am going to suggest that you do something immediately. Go to your physician or even a new female doctor and let them know because it is very highly possible you have PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) and they can give you medicine to help deal. This is extremely traumatic and you can not obviously deal by yourself, you need help, from me, from friends and from a physician to tell you whether you have ptsd or not. Three main things I can tell you right now that I promise will help, #1) Stop thinking about coulda, shoulda, woulda! From what you have told me you are beating yourself up for something that number one can’t be changed and number two is not your fault in any way shape or form. You have to stop thinking what if, it doesn’t change anything and only keeps you torn up inside when truthfully no matter how hard we all try none of us can go back and change it, so stop, I really mean it, it will NEVER help onnly hurt you. #2) Stop worrying about what other people will think. You come first and no one else. You have to take care of yourself and get in the right place before you can worry about others. This is very common for all victims but it only makes the situation worse when you worry about others more than you worry about taking care of yourself. #3) You have to put down the alcohol and start writing. Seriously, it’s not easy but the more you let out the thoughts in your head by writing & your emotions by crying, the more room you have to heal. Another very important part is – the quicker you want to heal, is based on the work you put into it. If you think holding it in because you are embarrassed about it will help, it will only help him not you. Rape is about control and that is exactly what he did. The reason you did what you did was because you feared for your life and went into safety mode, which is what alot of people do and that’s ok. You did not choose this not does it define you and you NEED to believe that. You are also right that I think you should have him turned in but I’m more worried about you getting help for yourself. The reason I want you to go to a physician is because you need sleep. If you have ptsd they can help. But whatever you decide to do please write out your feelings because that helps you sleep better to, eventually, but you need to do it every single day. You don’t have to keep it or you could and reflect back to see maybe what your trigger points are. But get the feelings out of your head for some relief. The last thing I want to tell you is because he did this awful thing to you makes HIM dirty NOT YOU! It would be dirty and shameful if you went in and asked for it but we both know you didn’t, so PLEASE believe me when I tell you this doesn’t define you, only him as dirty and shameful and a rapist. When you can truly believe this wasn’t your fault (and you KNOW it wasn’t deep down you just feel like real shit over it) then and only then will you be on the road to recovery. I suggest counseling but if you can’t do that at the very least go to the doctor and talk to them about ptsd. You will have to tell them (you can say you don’t know who it was) therefore you don’t have to worry about the police but I truly feel that is best advice I can give you. But if I was in your shoes (and I’m not) I would tell them who it was because that wasn’t the first time and I want you to be able to live a better life without the threat of him again. The last thing is consider taking a self defense class, that not only helps with your sense of security but also your confidence. My heart truly goes out to you so please please take my advice. It’s never easy for any of us but we have to do it to get to the light at the end of the tunnel and I know you don’t see it now, but it is there! Stay strong! Lynn
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I was raped for over 2 years it been 3 year since theb and it has eaten my life away. I was numb. – made myself numb. And now, as I realize trying to forget wasn’t working, I am trying to deal with it and it is just as painful as the first time it happened. I want the miserable feeling in my chest to go away. I want to be happy. Why can’t I just forget it and not be miserable. I try to look to the future and better things but I just can’t control it.
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4llie, You absolutely can control it but it takes hard work and an understanding that you know it is not your fault. I can tell you are so over it controlling you life but by not helping yourself that is letting him win and still be in control. So you know after 2 years of not getting help and trying to do it on your own isn’t working so bite the bullet and go get help, you are worth it and you and your life deserve for him to not be in control anymore!!! Go to rainn.org and find a counselor that specializes in rape that can help you to help yourself. This wensite or I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t go through the due diligence of getting the right help I needed. No one born on this earth is wired to know how to deal with rape, only the people that have been through it or trained on how to do it knows, so there is no shame in asking for help. In fact to be blunt the quicker you heal is based on the time you put into your healing with a professional or even a group therapy. Personally I’ve made some of my closest friends through group because they get it don’t judge and don’t think of you as crazy and empathize with what you are going through. In fact I suggest that group is a lot easier than one on one because there are others present that make it easier to open up to once you know they have been through it. Just something to consider. Either way you know after this long you can’t do it on your own and that’s because you aren’t suppose to! You are not alone and there is help you just gotta reach out like you did with me, now be strong and take the next step to improve your life. It’s not easy but until we face our fears they will always haunt us! Stay strong! Lynn
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Thank you so much for getting back to me Lynn! and i’m sorry for what i wrote.
if i go to the doctors or wherever and they say i do have ptsd will they just give me some tablets, they wont make me see a counsellor or anything will they?? i can’t tell them who did it.
i went there though so it was my fault, its not like he came to me, i went to him, i knocked on his door!!
i dont really want to think about taking care of myself i guess, its easier to worry about others isn’t it, what they think and not what i think? and what if they judge me by what happened?
drinkings my comfort, i no it shouldnt be but it is, and it helps, even if its just for 5 minutes its worth it isnt it? 5 minutes without the images in your head, 4 minutes without the smell of him, even just one minute without remembering how it felt, its worth it and i dont have anything else.
i no going to the doctors isnt hard but i dont go when im sick, i dont go if im ill for weeks, why would i go for this? i dont wana have to answer their questions, i cant explain all this to them. but saying that, i do want help, i no i need it. ive been thinking about what you said all day and i think i could go to doctors if they dont ask questions.
i kept everything, like what i wore, incase i change my mind about police, thats right isn’t it?
i get about 5 hours sleep a night now, last night i only got a couple though, had abit of a bad day.
i’ve been having these sorta daydreams the last few days, where everything around just stops and im back in the room with him again, bits of what happened happen again in my head and i cant do anything, am i reliving to try and change it or something? i can’t do anything. do other people do this?
i feel abit stupid saying all this when everyone has been though worse stuff than what i have on this site, but its the best place to come isnt it? a place where others have experienced it.
i’m sorry i wish i knew what i was trying to achieve by writing this. i dont let my emotions out, im not really that sort of person. i wrote everything down earlier, well not everything but tried what u said, tried to write what i feel and what happened but i just ended up being sick and crying. i burnt it, what i wrote, that felt good in a way, watching it burn, watching it go.
im sorry for this. please help me find the answers.
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A. First of all you will never start feeling better until you can admit and believe that it was NOT your fault. You say because you went there and knocked on his door….. Well, does that mean that every girl that goes to a guys house whether they know him or not & knocks on the door deserves to be raped? Seriously, think about it. It is correct for you to keep the clothes and for coming here when you need help BUT i promise youthe alcohol is a temporary fix that often makes the situation worse later to either the person or the way they are perceived, even though it wasn’t your fault. I know because I had to learn to not drink emotionally after my rape, which I did and can talk from the truth. I literally had to teach myself how not to drink emotionally and it wasn’t easy. And to answer your questions the counselors do not make you report the rape and I don’t believe the doctors do if you are seeking ptsd instead of a rape kit (meaning a while has passed since the rape). Stay strong, Lynn
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I was raped from 5 years old til i turned 18. It stopped when i was 18 because i told my parents and they never let my rapist back in the house. I was raped by my adoptive parents oldest son. When i turned 18 i moved back with my real mother, she divorced my dad while i was in adoptive care seeing as he is most of the reason as to why me and my little brother were taken away, i told her. When my adoptive parents oldest son raped me he told me that if i ever told anyone he would kill me and my family… my mother had just giv en birth to my little brother so i couldn’t let that happen… i carried the burden around for 13 years… I almost didn’t tell my mother because i knew she would break down and blame herself because my little brother and i were with her at the time of my rape but she never thought that a friend of the family’s sone would do that…
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H. I hope that you have sought professional help with this. I’m not sure how old you are now but if this recently stopped you have been given a new life and need to be given some appropriate direction after everything you have been through. If this was a while ago and you still haven’t rec’d any counseling I hope you seek some. You can go to rainn.org and look for a specialist closest to you. I’m sorry that you dealt with this all your life and I hope you are in a much better place now. Just remember we are not born wired on how to deal with this once, let alone as long as you did, so take no shame in asking for help. The quicker you do the better tomorrow will be. Stay strong, Lynn
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I’ve been really out of it today, I drank this morning, though it would make university easier. It didn’t. I should of been happy today, I got a really good mark back for a bit of work I did and I didn’t feel anything. Before I would of been happy for a week about it. I’ve only had dinner today, and I was just sick, I sat by the toilet and cried my heart out.
He has been ringing me, he must of got my number off my phone that night, he left a message, I was at university when I listened to it, I started shaking, my heart started racing and I had to go outside for some air. He’s scaring me, I deleted it cause don’t want his voice in my phone. All he said was “I’ll see you soon” I don’t understand?
I still hurt there, when will it stop?
I can’t do this by myself can i? I don’t like the word, makes it worse, I can’t even say it. I can’t do this by myself though can I
I hear him every night in my head, telling me to do what he says.
He was my dad, yer I never knew him or anything but now what is he, he lost that title a long time ago, but he was and now, now I don’t no!?
I guess really I’m writing this tonight is because I cut myself before I was sick ( first time ever ), I didn’t like it, I feel stupid for trying, I don’t no wat I was trying to achieve. Please help me find the answers
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a. It is very common for you to hurt this bad by this man and you have a lot of hurt and anger to get out. PLEASE don’t take it out on yourself, you did nothing wrong. I’m telling you if he calls again tell him you are going to the police and go. If you don’t do anything he is controlling you and you are letting him I know because he is controlling your thoughts and mind. You have to be in control over yourself and that is what is making you so sick, that you feel like he is still controlling you. You need to either get to a doctor, especially if you think you are pregnant, the earlier the better as if he is your real father, I don’t think you can keep the baby for it’s own health. And to be honest they would have perfect evidence to put him away. I know it is hard but if you have the proof why wouldn’t you take back control of your life and give him what he deserves, to be behind bars. But either way that is my opinion, right now you need to get to the doctor and you NEED to tell them the truth for your health and your mental state of mind. promise me you will go! Lynn
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I was raped almost a year ago at a party that was at a friends house I never woke up during the incident because I had just taken some medicine that made me really sleepy and it didn’t help that I decided to drink even though it was one drink combined with my medication it was enough to knock me out. How I realized I was raped was when I woke up I felt nothing but pain in between my legs around my neck and my back was killing me at first I thought I had slept wrong and then I went to the bathroom and smelled the scent of condoms and sweat as I pulled my pants down I instantly started crying cause I knew in my gut what happened. After being in the bathroom for about a half an hour I went to go find my friend so she could bring me home on the ride to my house I told her what I think happened and she said she would be there for. me no matter what until she found out a couple of days later that it was her brother and three more individuals that she knows very well…. I never went to the police I never went to the hospital I did tell my boyfriend and another friend of mine but I just feel like I should have done more because I’m still suffering I’m losing sleep I’m Damn near afraid to close my eyes. I just don’t know.what to do and where to go for help. close my eyes. I just don’t know.what to do and where to help….
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Scared to sleep, sorry for the delay I went on a cruise & got back and my website wasn’t working. The first thing I can tell you is that you have to take care of yourself first. Don’t worry about what anyone else things and take care of yourself first. That being said if you are scared because this guys around you can still report it (it would be good if you had some type of evidence otherwise there won’t be much they can do). However, if someone else has reported these guys and you stepped forward then it could possibly go somewhere. Do what you feel is best for you and most importantly safest for you. I would absolutely take a self defense class if these guys are still around in your area to help with your sense of security. Try and get some professional counseling because you have to completely face your fears before they will go away. It isn’t easy but dealing with your feelings and fears head on will break you through to the other side. At the very least write out your feelings whenever you feel good or bad, but especially if you’ve had a bad day or can’t sleep, write out all the negative thoughts and release them, it works. Hope this helps and refer to my pages for more ideas that might help you. Stay strong, Lynn
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Hello, yesterday my mums good friend, found out her daughter was raped when she was a child, of only 11 years of age by her teacher. The mother discovered this happened multiple times, after reading her diary. Both parents are going through a hard time and the father seems to have shut off, so the mother of the girl is talking to my mother for support. The mother seems to be unsure as to what to do. If they tell their daughter that they know, she may feel her trust is broken.
The daughter has been depressed for several years and they had no idea why until now. Recently she has attempted suicide multiple times and practised self mutilation. The parents have tried taking her to counselling and mental hospitals, but with no success.
I feel bad talking about this but as the girl is very close to my age and I know her personally, so I feel it had hit close to home. According to the girls mother and what I have heard from my mum, a few of her friends are also depressed/suicidal so it makes me wonder if it happened to them as well.
By the way they have discovered who the man is and have found he had already been charged with digital rape. So far though, the daughter still hasn’t told anyone and she doesn’t know her parents know.
The main reason I’m writing to you, is to ask how you think the parents should approach the daughter with the knowledge of the rapes? I feel it will be a very delicate situation, but better if it is closed sooner as this man is back out of jail. Also, would just a testimonial be enough after so long? Do you think the parents should approach the parents of her friends and ask them?I know this might be seen as collusion by the court but it just sickens me that this ________ could have don’t it to multiple girls. I hope it hasn’t been to confusing but I want the family to remain anonymous.
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Lrg. You are right in that this is a delicate situation. As far as asking if she decides to do a testimonial, unless she has saved some evidence it would be hard even if he was convicted before. They have to have some type of evidence connecting the two. Nonetheless, based on what you’ve told me I think the parents should come throughto her to help, especially if there are suicidal thoughts. Here is a suggestion, if anyone is close to her very best friend that she confides in, maybe the parents should talk to her and get her friend who she feels like she can open up to reach out to her. I promise you whoever does needs to with support and NO questions or “what if’s”, that is a deal breaker when ddealing with a rape victim. So I would go to the person she is closest to ( whoever that is ) and explain the situation (they may know already and be able to give you constructive feedback) and ask them to approach her with gentleness and go from there. But one other thing I would recommend is no going backwards, it never solves anything because it can’t be changed. Just support and understanding going forward. I’m leaving on a much needed vacation & will be gone for a week so good luck, thanks for being a caring person. Lynn
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Thank you again.
I do see you point i don’t think anyone deserves to be raped. No one deserves to have to go though all this and no matter where they are or how they dress, or act they shouldn’t be raped, i do understand that but i still feel guilty, i still feel like it was my fault, i can’t even explain why, I know what he did was wrong and his fault, so why do i feel so guilty?
I didn’t drink yesterday, it wasn’t easy, i wanted to but i kept myself busy and it sort of felt good not drinking, why do i feel like i need it?
He came here the night before last, i dont knwo how he knew where i lived (i’m at uni not mums house), he knocked on the door and i opened, i didn’t know it was him. everyone was out so it was just me and him. he did it again and he kicked me, i don’t think im preganant anymore, i think he made sure of that. It all happened really quickly. I don’t answer the door anymore, to anyone.
I rang the doctors yesterday and made an appointment. I can’t promise i’ll go but i can promise i’m trying to.
I know i should go to the police and everything u said but i can’t, i don’t want to go though all that. I’m trying really hard just to get though uni at the moment, the last thing i need to do is worry about what the police are doing, and i’d have to tell people then, i’d have to tell my mum and my housemates really, and i can’t.
I’m really sorry that your trying to help me and to most things your saying i’m saying i can’t but you are really helping me, and i really appriciate it. Thank You. Please help me find the answers. a
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A. I know it is hard but seriously if he is finding you and hurting you more emotionally and physically, I’m gonna be blunt, if you don’t do something about it he WILL continue. SO it is up to you to make it stop! YOU not him. He is controlling you, against your will, but controllling you and will continue to do something until YOU stop him. And you need let the police handle it. I know it’s hard and humiliating but it’s humiliating to HIM NOT YOU. You are the only one in control of your life NOW and you know it. You didn’t before but you do now so stand up for yourself and don’t worry about what anybody else thinks because they haven’t been through it, you have. So do you want him to continue to have control and abuse you or do you want to be the one that stops him from doing this to you or anyone else, the RIGHT way by getting at the very least a restraining order against him, so if he breaks the law and comes within so many feet of you they will take him to jail, or I my opinion is report his ass. That said, also take a self defense class so you can protect yourself from anyone and build your self confidence up. Stay strong! Lynn
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hi, i was raped twice, once in february of 2009 by a 23 year old man, and many times between August and October of 2008 by a 32 year old man. i was only 16 both times. i was okay for a while, or so it seemed i was, but now i feel awful again. the nightmares are back, i can hardly sleep, i get flashbacks in school, im so scared to do anything, i never want to eat, and i have no idea how to talk to anyone about it. i see a therapist, but i want to stop because i feel like i just cant talk about any of it. it’s so hard and so painful, i feel so traumatized everytime i try to talk out loud about it. i dont want to relive it over and over, but i know thats the only way to move past it. i have good friends, and i have a good relationship with my parents and family, and even my therapist, i just dont feel comfortable talking to any of them about any of it. sometimes i want to go see my school counselor or social worker, but then i freeze up and back out at the last minute because i have no idea how to talk about any of it. i even journal, but it doesnt feel like its helping much. i write down my feelings in them, and sometimes it does help, but i have no idea how to deal with it at school. ive contemplated suicide so many times, but i dont think i really want to die, i think i just want all of this to go away and dying would be easiest. it seems like im trying so hard to get help, but that all the doors are closed. like ill take one step forward, and two back. i just feel worse than when i started. i dont want to run from this anymore, i just want to learn how to cope with it. i hope you can help. thank you.
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SL.
This is what I’m hearing from you, you want help, you are ready to put this behind you, but you don’t want to put the hard work in that it will take. I realize it’s hard and very scary but the longer you put it off, that’s how long it will take you to overcome and move on. So is it harder for you to deal with this the rest of your life and haunt you? Or would it be harder to say it, face it and learn how to deal with it from a professional over a period of time. You have a certain amount of time you can choose to deal with it or you can let it be your shadow and follow you all your life in every aspect. Think about it this way, If someone you loved came down with cancer and the doc said you need to do chemo and radiation and surgery to get you thorugh this and it needs to be done right away before it gets tougher to deal with or do nothing and see how you do the rest of your life because by doing nothing it can affect you 24/7 for who knows how long. What would you suggest them to do? What would you want them to do? Being raped isn’t a disease but it sures takes over the mind, body and soul like cancer. So the sooner you get treatment the sooner you will see the light at the end of the tunnell. It may be hard but trust me it is worth it and you have taken the right steps so far. don’t stop now, you are worth it! Stay Strong! Lynn
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Hi again, I went to doctors and she said something out PTSD and gave me some tablets, tbh I wasn’t rele listening to her. Am I going to be ok?
I’ve been trying to go to the police but I can’t, I get a few metres before the police station, panic and go home, I’ve tried everyday the last four, the friend I told, I asked her to come with me and she did but I didn’t even make it to within eyesight before saying I couldn’t. We’ve agreed, me and my friend to act like it never happened ( ie not talk about it) now I feel like I have no one to turn to, because I can’t forget. I cry myself to sleep every night, I really panic when I turn the light off, I always find myself looking over my shoulder.
I havnt drank in a couple of days and havnt been sick for a few days. Why do I shake all the time?
I feel really alone
please help me find the answers x
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A.
If you can’t report it then the next thing is counseling. You can make your own choice on reporting or not but you can’t choose not to help yourself, because it will consume and control your future in many different ways. You will only heal and much time and effort that you put into it and trust me and all the other posts you see hear NO one can just forget and not talk about it and it goes away, no one. You have to hit it head on and take back control of your own life. It won’t be easy but living the life you are describing above for the rest of you life doesn’t sound easy either. Since you can’t report (and that’s OK) the best way to get back at your attacker is to not let him control your life anymore! Deal with it and take back control of your own life and destiny. Get counseling, take a self defense class, take your meds if the doctor gave them to you and get through it so you have a healthy future with healthy relationships. Stay strong! Lynn
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Hello
About 3 months ago, I learned that my ex had been cheating on me. I was so upset and I went to a party with a friend who wasn’t really that great a friend but I needed to get out. She immediately hooked up with some guy that she knew and left me alone. I stood there awkwardly and drank a lot of alcohol. Then this guy I had never before in my life came up to me and started to talk to me and flirt. All I could think was that this was my chance to get revenge on the guy who had cheated on me (I was technically still with him at this point). After a drink or two more, I led the guy upstairs to an empty room. I initiated the kissing. When he asked to go farther, however, my senses came back to me and I said no. I tried to leave, but he grabbed my arm roughly. He asked again but I said no and asked him to let go of me. He continued to hold onto me. I fought him but he was a lot bigger than me and he ended up raping me. I was a virgin at that point, but he stole that from me.
After that I tryed to avoid thinking about it. I succeeded for a while. It was like the whole thing never happened and I liked it that way. I didn’t tell anyone and I just went along with my business. But then about a month later I started to feel the signs of being pregnant. It all came rushing back to me and everything that I had worked so hard to forget and not think about came crushing down on me. I didn’t know what to do or where to go. But I finally decided to just deal with the whole possible pregnancy thing on my own. I took a home test and thankfully I wasn’t pregnant.
But the relief only lasted a minute because everything had crashed down upon me and there was no escaping it anymore. I knew it was time that I told someone. I couldn’t keep it in anymore. But the question was now who do I tell? I immediately crossed all family members off of the list because they were all going through things and I knew they wouldn’t understand. I decided to tell my best friend even though her first thoughts would be about killing the guy who did it because she’s super aggressive and that’s how she deals with things. I couldn’t tell her person no matter how hard I tried. So I told her through a text message. She didn’t respond for a half hour due to the shock of it because I was rather straight forward and just said it. She finally answered after the longest half hour I’ve ever experience. Well, second longest–second to the actual event. She wanted me to go to the police but I refused. I had thrown away any evidence of the rape and all of the bruises and what not were long gone. Just the emotional evidence remained and that I didn’t feel like repeating over and ver to police. She then asked me more questions, but really basic ones because we were still texting. It eventually became too much and I told her I needed a break. It all came out a few days later in person. Shortly after that I ended up telling another friend of ours. I continued to vent to them about things and to express my feelings and what not, but they soon ran out of things to say and grew frustrated with me. Not wanting them to not want to talk to me anymore or whatever, I closed back up.
I told a pastor of mine from my old high school, and he suggested coming to talk to him. I tried that but he made me uncomfortable because he has a small office and I don’t like being alone with men. So I told him it was too difficult to talk to him. He understood and suggested seeing a counselor or a crisi hot line. I feel nervous about strangers though, so I told him I’d give it a try and never talked to him after that. It’s been about a month since I talk to to him or my friends about it, and I’m back to shutting everything inside. I know it’s not healthy but I don’t know what to do anymore.
I don’t trust any men anymore including my brothers and father. I hate being alone, but I hate being around certain people more. There are times where I completely zone out and just relive that whole night. I can literally hear, smell, and feel everything during those times. I always dream about it, and I honestly don’t remember the last time I slept. I cry without realizing that I’m crying. Even the slightest noise makes me jump right out of my skin. I always have to have a light on when it’s dark. I always look over my shoulder. I can’t let anyone touch me. I’ve always been a ticklish person and one of my guy friends has always found it hilarious to poke my side and see me jump and scream, but now when he does it I feel like passing out or throwing up or running away. I am constantly putting on an act around everyone so that no one thinks something wrong. Everyone in my family is pretty much in their own world and don’t notice anything ever so I’m not surprised they haven’t seen anything. But my friends can usually tell, so I must be doing a good job because they haven’t caught on either. But I am physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted and don’t know how much more I can take.
I don’t even know where to start on getting better. I’m so lost. All I know is I am not me anymore and I miss me so, so much. I want to be happy again rather than feeling literally nothing but pain and confusion. I know one of my friends has gotten raped, should I ask her for advice?
I am just so unsure of everything.
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JP
You obviously feelthe need and are ready to talk to someone about it to help give you guidance on how to deal and get better, which is GREAT! The problem I see is that you are not going to the right people. We were not born with the instincts or knowledge to know how to deal with rape. You have to go to a professional and I would pick a women. If you go to rainn.org you can find a specialist closest to you that can help. Or anyone at a local crisis center could help, most of them are anonymous and you can start by talking over the phone and also ask if they know where you can get female counseling. Before you get into any trusting relationship (with anyone) you have to take care of yourself first. Another thought is to take a self defense class, I just took my second one this past weekend and it still gives me such a sense of security and truly helps. And don’t worry too much about your friends backing off because they just don’t know how to help you nor should they. As far as your friend who has also been raped I would be careful. It depends on how good she is doing now and if she ever had counseling. If not she won’t be able to help you in anyway other than being a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen but other than that she can’t heal you. You will only heal as much time and effort you put into it. You can tell by the other posts that without counseling it haunts them forever in all aspects of their lives. I was also told by my counselor the longer you put it off it will take you that long to heal. So really the choice is yours, I hope you make the right one for you. Stay Strong! Lynn
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Hello Lynn, I’m so very glad I found this site because honestly I need help, I feel utterly alone and things are only getting worse….
When I was 14 I had a really good friend, His name was Ryan. In my eyes Ryan was/is incredibly unique. He’s the kind of person who can tell what your thinking just by the look of your face, he was caring and wise for being 15, he was easy to open up to and I guess at the time easy to trust. he was proud, he always knew what people thought of him and it was funny because those who didn’t like him, he just shrugged and laughed them off. And his emotions, I’m about 99.9% positive that this boy felt emotions greater than anyone else…
Now Ryan and I were strictly friends, I felt nothing else for him, infact he was dating one of my best friends Kate. Unfortunately Kate broke his heart and moved away and this is when he turned to me, we began sneaking out to see each other and at first it was innocent, two friends helping each other cope with life but things changed drastically the 1st night he kissed me. it was like a wake up call to me, i was like “hey, why didn’t I ever think about Ryan and I, we are perfect” from this point, things moved quickly, we got to second base pretty quick and to be honest I wasn’t really comfortable with it but i didn’t want to seem prude So I went with it.
we had been hanging out for about a month now but this night seemed extra special, he was being really sweet and the weather was warm and the stars were out, I was happy, very happy…but when we hit second, things were…picking up. I told him to stop but he didnt it, so then i pushed against him and said no. he wasn’t paying attention, he was to engulfed in what was happening. I gave up, I just laid there and when it was over, I got up and went home. I look back and wish the hell I had fought like crazy, If there is one thing I hate, its being defenseless.
I was confused and hurt, I didn’t have a clue on what to do. I waited three days to hear from him, I was expecting an apology, My plans were to make up and get him to be my boyfriend because in my eyes, you were supposed to be dating the 1st guy you slept with, I needed to make it right, this was how I was going to deal with what happened. Well, He never called and school started, my 1st day in high school and I was labeled the whore who not only lost her virginity at 15, but sucked in the sack. I HATED, LOATHED Ryan I would have ran him over 10 times if i could. I told the truth to a few select friends but word got around i was just lying so I gave up on tellin the truth and just took the jokes in good humor. It was five long months before Ryan finally reaknowleged my existence, he apologized, told me he did what he did because he was trying to get over Kate, He said he really wanted to give us another go. of curse I immediately shot him down, but man this boy was good at talking me into anything So I gave him his second chance, I let him back into my life. this time when we hung out, i kept a distance between us and I drank to calm my nerves, scarily enough, I woke up in the hospital with no recollection of the night. and when I seen Ryan at school a few days later he gave away no hints on what had happend. Now at the time, I blamed myself for this, it was my fault for drinking, it was foolish, so when summer came around and Ryan told me he missed me, I once again let him back into my life, This time he seemed serious, he even asked me to be his girlfriend. things were goin smoothly till he tried to get me to sleep with him, i refused him over and over and he told me that “IF we dont have sex, You shouldn’t be surprised if something happens” I broke up with him then and there.
Since then its been a game, he walks back into my life for two weeks, then something happens and we fight or he just up and disappears. on one of his disappearing acts, he was gone for months and I took this time to find a new boyfriend, a GOOD boyfriend. Dan loved me but no matter how hard i wanted to I couldn’t even like him back, every day he got closer to me and every day i just threw up a wall and got farther from him and of course Ryan came back and I cheated on Dan to be with him. I’d had such a long absence from Ryan and I was missing him terribly, I wanted him in my life so I slept with him again, for the 1st time since the rape. I knew he wouldnt stick around otherwise. but, no surprise to me, he left me alone again, after promising he was going to stay this time. I’d had it, I was so certain I wasnt going to take him back and it worked the first few times he tried wriggling his way back in, I shot him down, and it felt good. It wasnt till a party a year later that he got me, corned. he told me he hated the death glares I gave him and that he was truly sorry for everything, he said he really did care about me and he knew I was unhappy and he didnt like seeing that, he told me he knew that I loved but hated him and he just wanted to make peace. So I asked him then to just be my friend and dont ever try anything with me ever again. he agreed and gave me a hug. And friends we were…..for awhile anyways. He invited me to a party, well funny thing, this party turned out to be me, him and two of his buddies, who not long after we got there “Had things to do” so a slightly drunk me was left alone with Ryan and he decided to talk about our feelings, KNOWING mine are still there. He ask me out again and I accept, then we are making out and before I know it my pants are off and I’m right back to that night three years ago, I once again told him I didn’t want to have sex but he just tells me to stop playing games, its not a big deal we have done it before, so I let it happen, knowing he will only get angry if I put up any more of a fight. He didn’t leave this time but he landed in jail instead, and to my surprise I find this out by KATE, who he had apparently also been seeing again.
Now, there’s this void inside of me, and to fill it I get drunk and make out with the first hot guy I see, then I dump his ass, using a guy, its like getting back at Ryan for every time he used me. I’ve even let a few consistant hook up friends get to second base with me, but recently I’ve met a guy named Isaac, normally when I’m with a guy, all I can think about is Ryan but when I’m with Isaac my mind clears and I actually have a good time. We’ve been to second twice but recently everytime he even tries to just lay on me, my vision gets splotchy and I feel like I can’t breath, I panic, he once told me I looked terrified. Its like, since Ryans been in jail I know im never going to see him again and part of me is realived but the other half is yearning for him, since he’s been gone all I can think about is everything thats happend with us, and that night with Isaac, I realized just how easily Isaac could take advantage of me, how any guy could if he wanted to and i freaked thinking of those horrible nights with Ryan.
I’m raw Lynn, I’ve lost all emotion towards most guys, Im alone, theres this wall that i want so badly to tear down so I can let someone in and feel what its like to really be loved, but this wall just wont budge and I have no one to confide in, my friends didnt believe me and my parents can never know, they wouldnt understand. Im tearing myself apart. I’m only 18 and I fear i’m going to be the old crazy cat lady before im 30!
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M. You really need to seek some counseling because you are going through a lot of different emotions and are very confused. The fact that you were raped by Ryan and then went back to him several times means you are easily controlled. Rape is about control which is why Ryan knew and did what he did the way he did it. The answer is not letting your wall down the answer is being strong enough to be in control yourself, then you won’t have to worry about other guys. You will know what you want the way you want it and won’t let anyone control you. You also need to get this guy Ryan out of your head, he is obviously where he deserves to be. The fact that this happened to you at such a young impressionable age is affecting your relationships with other guys (rightly so) but you need to get control back over your life in order to move forward. Stay strong! Lynn
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Well I was forced to have sex with a man when i was 19 years old. It happened one day while waiting for the bus to pick me up and take me home. A young man walked over to me wearing an “I Love Jesus” t-shirt. I thought that he was ok. He asked if he could take me home, and me being naive i trusted him. Well he did not take me home. He made it seem as if he had something to do first and i trusted him. God!!! why did i do that?? He invited me into a home of someone who he said was a friend. I was so young an naive I did not know where he had taken me and i did not know my way home. So I went into the house with him. For awhile i felt like it was ok. But then he called me back into a room….. The nice man wearing the “I love Jesus” shirt was no longer nice. He yelled at me and forced me to have sex with him. I was crying the whole time. I told him no, and please take me home. But his cold response was after I am done, you can go home. I felt so scared and humiliated. But I also felt as if it was my fault and that i deserved it. But that isnt it.
I guess i shouldve learned from the first time, but 6 years later I was gang raped. It was late one night and there werent any buses running so i walked home from the store. A blue truck stopped and a man asked if he could take me out. I said sure, he was not alone in the truck, there was another young man with him. They took me to a party i had a few drinks and i felt safe. I did not feel any threat whatsoever. After the party the guy who was with us said he had to go home, so the driver took him home. But before pulling off he invited me in. I was once again being naive…. I was gang raped by three men, after the second guy I passed out and blanked it out of my head. All i could remember was I was somewhere i didnt belong. It was late and I was scared…. I cried and said no. I tried to get up to leave, but I was pushed back down and I was told “it wont take long”…. God….why???? is what i keep asking. And now how do i rebuild myself? I am not able to fully mourn or even process it in my head. I feel as if maybe I deserved it. Almost every man i have known acts as if they dont understand the meaning of “NO”.
Every guy who i’ve been on a date with, dont respect me when i say no, and they force themselves on me. It has been this way for me as long as i can remember. Past boyfriends have not respected when they are told “NO” and not even my husband will respect when he is told “not tonight honey”…. Why is that???? I am tired of these men forcing themselves on me. I dont know what to do because its making me a very bitter, confused angry and violent woman.
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T
First it was NEVER your fault. Just because you trusted someone to do what they said is not your fault. You need to get professional help immediately and don’t let your husband talk you out of it. My therapist told me that before I was to ever have sex with anyone again after my rape that I was to tell them I was raped. I was difficult and a few ran to the hills but I realized she was right. If I tell them and they run, then I don’t want to be with them let alone give them my body. If they don’t run then you explain you are fragile sometimes and there will be times that you will say no (just like times you will say yes) and either way he must respect that. If you do this it will weed out the guys that care more about sex than you. It’s not easy but boy it sure did weed out the guys for me and the first one that didn’t run and understood ended up being my husband and always accepted “no”. Go to rainn.org and try and find a professional counselor in your area and stick with it. You need to build your confidence and happiness level and take care of your self esteem. Stay strong. Lynn
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I’m not THE rape victim infact im a male, and i need help, im on serious watch right now so i figured i’d get help with this. Recently my girlfriend told me she was raped…
Now i wont go into my backstory but basically any violence towards women enrages me and sometimes in getting revenge i’ve been known to go too far. i’ve learned that her attackers were not first timers from other girls in the area, ive identified their faces, and found out where they live however my girlfriend knew what i was planning to do.
Its too late to call the cops and all i want to do is viciously destroy these disgusting sacks of intestines. my girlfriend is okay but I can not deal with the fact that some guys are going on hurting girls especially girls i love. Lynn i only ask you to give me some advice for this matter.
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M.
The best advice to give you both is let the police know what you know and let them handle it. Mind you there might not b much they can do without eveidence but if they have in fact hurt multiple girls hopefully one of them has or will report it with eveidence and then the more that have reported builds a better case. Unless you want to end up in jail and they are still free to continue to hurt women, please don’t do anything stupid. Because if you committ a crime and they have evidence (no matter what they have done), you will and can be prosecuted then. The last thing you need is to let these guys continue to control you and your girlfriends lives. By telling the police you can have that weight lifted off your shoulders and concentrate on your future. Your girlfriend needs to seek professional counseling and maybe even you to in order to get over it, but do it the right way so these guys don’t hurt both of you. Stay strong! Lynn
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I was raped in January 1998 and I thought it was something that I was able to handle, however, last night in an argument with my husband of 11 yrs, the rape issue came up and I just have not been able to stop crying since. I was raped by an old boyfriend that found out that I was dating my now husband. He took me forcefully and raped me in his car, in an alley, where he continously told me that he was going to kill me that night. I was terrified. He said that he would never leave me alone. That night totally changed who I am. I actually went to the police to file charges. I did not give them all of the details, I was so afraid, and the judge on call decided that I was liying, over the phone, he told me that he did not believe me. I ran out of the station, having a police officer following me, he knew that I was not liying, but did not do anything about it. And so I moved on, married, had kids. But since last night I feel like I am drowning. I am not sure how to handle this.
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SC. Sorry for the delay. Not sure what the fight was about but I sure hope he supports you because when your significant other isn’t supporting you it can really hurt a relationship. Not sure if you are to the point of needing counseling, but if your husband doesn’t support you, i would suggest it for both of you. If this is a one time incident, then maybe journaling your feelings down will help as a release. You don’t have to keep your notes just get all those feelings in your head out on paper and trust me it helps. Also, maybe there need to be limits set with your husband as in unless you want to talk about the past for him not to bring it up. Hope this helps. Stay Strong! Lynn
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I was rape 2 years a go in 2008 at a party my friends found me lock in a bathroom crying I feel I had fault for what happen I was always told not to be alone with a man but never did I think that even just to talk. I had hit the rocks I found alcohol to be my bestfriend I hated men I never told no one it was a nightmare for so long. I couldent sleep or eat or feel like me. I was always a happy person but when I was rape he had stole my virginity my happyness I felt dirty gross constantly I would block part of the memory out but nights can be the hards I get flashbacks panic attacks I at time can smell him I shower And shower but its only in my mind. I see a counselor now and yes it make me cry and Im getting by but I had to face it befor I could move on with my life and alcohol DONT help it makes it wors…
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DM. Well it sounds like you are on the right track by knowing alcohol isn’t your friend and the counselor is, GOOD for YOU! Counseling is never easy but you are right you must face your fears in order to move on and learn your trigger points and how to deal. Stay Strong! Lynn
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lynn,
i feel so lonely, i miss to be held tight, and told am beautiful, i miss hearing those endearment words like you are strong, beautiful and caring. so i have started saying these words to myself each and every minute, the feeling i get during the night, when i look at myself in the mirror, is awesome.
last friday, i had to go down to the police office, to identify one of my attackers, it was scary as hell, i still feel jumpy and panicky, like am falling down on a parachute from heaven.
i have lost contact with my GP, my pastor and my friends. and i spend alot of time alone, i have registered with a south african university, so i am studying, watching movies, and playing soothing music. i sing at the top of my voice when am in the shower, i lock myself in the whole time, and once i am inside the yard, i do not come out not matter what. my neighbour thinks am weird and he says i give him the creeps.
and when i bath, i brush, scrub and rub so hard my skin gets pink, then i look in the mirror then i whisper a little loud, that i am beautiful. do u think it will help, somehow, in the long run? i used to shave ones a week, now i shave thrice a week and i am scared my skin hurts sometimes, i feel like changing a few of my looks and do not know where to start.
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D.
Daily affirmations are so good for you. I have sticky notes all around my house in my car and yes it does help. Don’t do any drastic changes until you have decided and then gone a week and still want to do it! Stay strong! Lynn
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Hi, I’ve sent you two messages in the past about my life and going to court. It’s been 6 months now after court and i’m afraid to say he got away with it, He got lots of family members to lie for him and as the court said they couldn’t prove it and let him go. 2 days i sat in the witness box while they called me a liar! It was so draining and i sit here now and say it wasn’t worth it, I feel the system let me down and now i have to deal with the aftermath. After months of nightmares i have decided to go back to the doctors for more counciling because i really can’t cope. I assume now he walks around like he can do what he wants when he wants, and i just have to get on with the mess – where’s the justice in that!? I did this to go forward in life but i feel lke i’ve taken 30 steps back, I’m just so angry!!! I hope one day Karma will go around but i won’t hold my breath. For all those women out there who are going through this i wish you the best, Its not easy and make sure you have good family and friends who will support you. X
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L.
I’m so sorry you went through all of awefulness with that type of outcome BUT even though you don’t feel justified you still put a red mark on him and I guarantee he won’t rape again because of it. Always try and find the good it truly helps. When you are feeling your worst think of something positive like how you may not have got him off the streets but I bet you got him to stop raping. You are doing all the right things and now getting more professional help when you need it is the strong responsible thing to do. You can only control you, so make the best of it. Go get a massage and try and relax, you know he won’t be bothering you anymore. Stay strong! Lynn
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I was raped three months ago. I didnt want to tell anyone at first, but i told my boyfriend, and he convinced me to tell my family. The day after, i was ready to forget it, going to work, trying to live my life before it had happened. Though i was scared and afraid, i ignored. I have dealt with many problems in my life and they always consumed it entirely, i wasnt going to let this happen again. I started freaking, crying, scared, terrified of living. I was losing my self and the people i loved, because i couldnt love them and myself. I borrowed a book from the library, a self help rape workbook. I read the first chapter, and i felt all the women who had read it with me, one women, who i will never know, but truly love and care for, underlined the words in the book that had happened to her and what she developed afterwards, and when i read over the word SELF-LOVE, she had underlined, I cried for 3 hours, every trauma and tear i had in me.
If i can love her, I can love me too. All of us together, can heal each other.
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