#1) Believe deep down it is not your fault, no matter what the actions were leading up to the rape, you need to know and accept there is nothing that justifies rape and you didn’t do anything to deserve it! Everyone I talk to feels guilty or ashamed in one form or another, but what you don’t understand is the person that is deserving of the guilt and shame is the person that chose to do the rape, NOT YOU! The rape was not about anything you did, it is about the attacker needing control and they are responsible for their actions NOT YOU!!!
#2) You need to try and do your best to deal with your feelings as they arise. I’ve learned that in order to feel like a survivor you face them head on. You have two options, deal with them head on or run from them. The problem is when you run, your demons become your shadow and you can never outrun your shadow, so it is best to try and deal with your emotions head on instead of trying to outrun something you can’t.
#3) The one thing I learned the hard way was that none of my loved ones reacted they way I thought they would, so I immediately was more concerned with their thoughts and actions than my own healing process. I see this almost every time when counseling a survivor. The first thing I hear is, “What is my family (often spouse/partner) going to think?” or “how are they going to react?” My typical response is, “I know you are worried about their reactions BUT aren’t you more worried about your well being for you and your family?” Before you expend your energy on controlling someone else’s feelings (when ultimately you can’t) you should take that energy to heal yourself. Because you truly need to believe that you did nothing to lead up to the rape and know in your heart it wasn’t your fault. When YOU realize it doesn’t matter what you were wearing, where you were at or what you were doing, then it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks! The bottom line is you have to take care of yourself first before you can take care of anyone else!
#4) Surround yourself with the people who support you and distance yourself (at least temporarily) from those who don’t.
#5) Find the positive in something everyday and focus on it no matter how small or stupid it is. A lot of days you will have to dig deep to find it, even if it is splurging on a dessert or watching your favorite TV show, but you must find something positive everyday to keep you going. This will also help train your brain that you can block out the negative.
#6) Remember that you can’t change the past so stop focusing on it with – shoulda, coulda, woulda – because it doesn’t matter since the past can’t be changed. If you are focusing on something you wished you would have done differently or beating yourself up with something you did, then you do not believe it wasn’t your fault, step #1. YOU MUST BELIEVE THAT IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT and until you do you have a long struggle in your recovery. Remember NOTHING JUSTIFIES RAPE!
#7) Focus on what you DO have control of and that is your future. The day I stopped letting my assaulter control my life is the day I realized I could be dead. At that moment (about 9 months later) even though I knew my assaulter took something from me, I realized he did not take my life and I wasn’t about to give him another day of MY life! He doesn’t deserve it, not one more minute! I felt this huge relief that I sat down and cried for hours. From that day on I stopped worrying about my past and what anyone else thought and focused on appreciating the life I had left. Now I’m not saying I skipped off into the sunset, but that was the day I stopped feeling sorry for myself (those emotions are allowed – for a while) and picked myself up and took a step forward instead of backwards.
#8) DO NOT turn to drugs and alcohol to mask the pain, once again you MUST FEEL IN ORDER TO HEAL. Alcohol and/or drugs are only a temporary fix and does absolutely nothing to solve the problem other than to push it deeper. You must deal with it and the more you feel and release, the more room you have to heal.
#9) DON’T rely on anyone else to heal you. You will heal as much as you put the work into it. Hopefully you will have support, but you need to know while it is OK to accept help from others, only you can heal yourself. Healing yourself through some type of professional counseling, whether group, individual or anonymously. A lot of cities offer free counseling or support groups through their local crisis centers. There are your some church groups or if you health insurance (make sure mental health is covered under your plan) use that. Some employers have EAP (employee assistance programs) that are completely anonymous even to your employer and usually offer a couple free visits. Go to rainn.org to find the closest counselor to you. There are so many resources, just make the commitment to start helping yourself and you’ll find a way!
#10) While the above suggestions are more long term, I would like to make some suggestions for baby steps that can help “right now”. My most successful suggestion is to right down your feelings at the end of the day (good or bad) whatever they are just as a release. This is good for survivors or immediate family members trying to cope as well. It is up to you whether or not you keep it, it is just a way for you to get your honest and true emotions out and not keep them deep inside you, which only fester. Warms baths are great before bed along with a good book to take me away, if even for 30 minutes. I always try to keep a book in purse, dvd at home or cd in car that I love and makes me feel good that I can immediately turn to to brighten my mood. And if you don’t have a pet, get one! Pets are amazing and offer true unconditional love BUT make sure you have the time to love and nurture your pet and you will get nothing less back!
#11) Think about taking a self defense class. After being raped your sense of security is shot and an excellent way to start to get it back is taking a self defense class. It is very empowering and a good confidence builder.
#12) Try yoga (if you don’t alreaady), it is truly amazing how it makes you feel calm and can just release the stress and anxiety. Never tried it until after my rape and I still have the same at home beginner dvds I’ve used for years, but I love them and I truly feel empowered, strong and relaxed when I’m done. They say you can heal your body through your breathing and I believe it. Tell me you don’t feel a little better after you take a few big deep breaths. Well, when you are doing yoga, not only is your body trying to align and release your stress you are holding in your body, but you are really breathing the whole time and getting oxygen to your entire body, which is not only a calming affect but helps the tightness in your muscles to release. So trust me just try it a few times, you don’t have to do it perfect (which is why I do it at my house) but I always feel better afterwards, never fails..
Dealing with Rape 
My neighhbor raped me last night. I was so drunk and it was late. I started to wander back to my apartment when he slammed the front door and locked it. Then he raped me. My lease isn’t up until May. I already had a huge surgery late last year. I don’t want to be any more trouble to my Dad or boyfriend right now. They both have done so much for me. I just wish I could tell my baby so bad, but I know it would only make things worse for him to imagine me in such a compromising state. What we had before was so perfect and pure. No it’s shattered to pieces. I can’t stop shaking. I know now that there is no way to prove it was rape. I’ve already showered dilligently. I know it was rape because never in my life would I have agreed to anal sex no matter how drunk I was. My boyfriend and I have been together for 9 months. He is so amazing and perfect. I’m so afraid of losing him. I can’t tell anyone or I know they will insist I report it. I don’t deserve my boyfriend’s love. I hate myself for going over there so late. Why!? Someone please help me. I’m so alone and it’s all my fault. I can’t even imagine tomorrow. I can’t imagine lying to such a perfect man for what I hoped would be the rest of m life. I can’t imagine breaking his heart by telling him the unthinkable happened. How will we ever make sweet love again?
I wish my neighbor would have killed me.
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E. Listen if you don’t want to go to the police you don’t have to BUT personally I think it is the best thing to do especially if he lives next door. I’m thinking of your safety first and if you don’t it is very possible he will think he can get away with it again WITH YOU! Then something worse might happen. I’m not going to pressure you, you can do what you want but I’ve seen it too many times before when it is someone you know and they get away with it they think they can do it again. Not trying to scare you, just protect you. So first and foremost go get some pepper spray and a bat. Keep the bat behind your door and the pepper spray in your purse. Even if you have showered if you make the report, they might catch him from another rape, or at the very least (if they don’t find evidence) have a heads up and watch him. If your boyfriend and relationship is as strong as you say then your boyfriend will be there for you. Not saying it will be easy b/c it won’t I’m not gonna lie BUT if he really loves you he will be more hurt by the fact that you felt you couldn’t confide in him. You don’t have to tell him all the details just confide in him for strength and protection. And you wouldn’t be lying to him. That being said do not let him take things into his own hands, that should only be done by the police. You need to realize this didn’t happen b/c you were there late or b/c you were drinking. This happened b/c your neighbor is a sleeze ball and took advantage of your vulnerability. This was his actions NOT yours! He did this NOT you! He is to blame and he should be the one feeling all the guilt NOT you! If you feel this was your fault, does that mean you feel every girl out there that drinks and stays out late deserves to be raped! Hell no! My advice is to see a counselor and discuss your thoughts and fears to help you and your relationship with your boyfriend. You can find a counselor through rainn.org and sometimes they are even free. This is so raw for you right now and it is imperative that you move in the right direction to the road of recovery. The first step is to know you are not alone and this is not your fault. Please please try and understand that. Take care of yourself first and then worry about your loved ones but don’t cut them off in the meantime. I would tell him and ask him for time and to just support you until you have the strength to tell him more. Tell him how much you move him and need him but to go easy with you. If you don’t want to tell him you will end up lying and ruining the trust you have together and trying to get trust back is even harder to overcome, b/c them you made the choice to lie and not tell him. Which is worse you making the choice to lie and not tell him or telling him honestly something that happened to you that WAS NOT YOUR choice? Think about it. Go to rainn.org and find a counselor, don’t wait, the sooner you can get help the better. This was not your fault and your loved ones will know you didn’t ask or deserve this, now you need to believe it! Stay strong! Lynn
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Hi, i don’t know where to start, i was being raped constantly for 7 years, it first started 2 days before my 11th birthday and stopped the moment i had the strength to leave the house where it took place. I’m now almost 20, and im living in the past, i can’t seem to move forward without the thoughts creeping back on me. The stupid thing is though i have been in contact with the person who was doing it and my partner finds it hard to understand why, he seems to think i’m giving the person the oportunity to do it again and he also thinks i’m protecting him by staying in contact! I’m not the only person who this person has raped but no-one else will stand up to the fact that its wrong. How would you recomend i over come my demons, mixed emotions and the depression? Not only has it messed my head up it is starting to mess my relationship up as my demons make me angry, depressed and full of different emotions and i take it out on the closest person, which just so happens to be my partner! My partner knows everything that happened, and i know that he was once raped by a close friend but he has moved on and don’t even think about it, my partner takes his mind off things by finding things out about computers, going to work, working out and enjoying the things he has, but everytime i pick up a book and i start to read i always end up thinking of the past and what happened, even when i’m doing house work with an mp3 player in my ears i still think about it. Whats your advice on dealing with this?
Regards.
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K. I’m so sorry you went through this but so very happy you had the strength to leave. That was a huge step for you. Your rape and your partners are completely different therefore will be dealt with completely different. For starters this happened to you repeatedly over years whereas his one time. This obviously was also with a person that you trusted at such a young age and has had a severe impact on you. I think it could be very possible that you have ptsd (post traumatic stress disorder). I’m not a doctor but I think you should do two things #1) go see a doctor and ask what he/she thinks about possibly having pstd #2) go to rainn.org and find a counselor/therapist in your area and seek help immediately. The sooner the better b/c you don’t want this to dictate your life and relationship. As far as keeping the lines of communication open, I can’t tell you what to do but if it was me I would cut them off cold if not turn them into the police, especially since you know others this has happened to and they aren’t strong enough to stand up to this person. I would not speak to them b/c this person is a professional manipulator and you do not want to give them a chance to break you down. I think this is also something you need to discuss with the counselor. You will not be able to deal with this on your own b/c you have been put through something no one should ever go through and we are not wired mentally on how to deal with this. So please speak to a professional – both professionals. And tell your partner how much you care about him and appreciate him and for the sake of your relationship you are going to get help. In the meantime, an excellent immediate release is to write out all your feelings, good or bad, doesn’t matter what it is about, just write it out. You can trash it when you’re done or take it to the counselor to discuss. This will free up your mind from constantly thinking about it. I promise you will also sleep better which is essential in keeping your emotions under control. Another thing is every morning when you get up think of something you are looking forward to in the day, doesn’t matter what it is, a movie, going to eat, or just alone time with your partner. Every time a bad thought comes into your head think of the good thing you are looking forward to. It may sound stupid but it is an exercise to try to train your brain to turn off the bad and focus on the good. As soon as you have done what you were looking forward to that day, immediately start thinking of what it will be the next day. So everyday you have something to look forward to and keep good thoughts in your head. These are things that will help until you can find a counselor in your area. Stay strong! Lynn
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Thank you for your quick reply, the only thing i’m scared of is going to court and facing him again, their are other people that are thinking of reporting it too, but no one knows whats involved, or what would happen, the only thing that goes for us is the fact that he has a record for stripping minors and throwing them in the bath, and one person took him to court but after so long everything was dropped, i was too scared to stand up at the time as he kept telling me that if i said anything he would beat me, which he did everytime i saw any male, or i wouldn’t do anything he wanted me to. I want to press charges i want to make him feel the pain i have over the years. I also can’t sleep of a night, my partner works nights and i’m in the room alone, even though the attacker ain’t here, i’m still scared that something will happen again. I’ve been to the doctors before all they keep doing is giving me anti-depressants but they only make me feel numb they don’t help me any other way, the doctors know whats happened, i’ve even seen 10 different doctors they all do the same. But i will listen and absorb your advice, i have another doctors appointment tomorrow afternoon, my partner is going with me with everything we have posted on this site to yourself and what you have replied! Thank you again for your responce, K
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K. You say you’ve been to the doctor but have you been to a therapist? I understand not wanting to be on anti-depressants so you need to be talking to a therapist/counselor. It won’t be easy but the more you deal with it the quicker you can put it behind you. Also, I recommend taking a self defense class to help you with your sense of security. You will feel much better when you know you can take care of yourself. I hope that you can get the help you need. Stay strong Lynn
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Hi Lynn, keep you up-to-date, i went to the police today and reported the abuse. It has gone straight to CID, and as i have his flat door keys present they are raiding his flat tomorrow afternoon and i am doing a video interview. I also have a doctors appointment tomorrow where i can seek free counselling via doctor referal. I’m hoping that he gets what he deserves as this isn’t the 1st time hes been done for rape. I’m also looking into self-defense lessons to help build my security like you have suggested.
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K.
You go girl! Don’t let him dictate your life anymore YOU ARE FREE! I’m so very glad to hear that and so very proud of the strength you are showing for yourself and others! Thanks for keeping me informed and Stay Strong! Lynn
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Hi Lynn-
The last time I wrote on this website was on October 19th, 2008. I wanted to check in and tell you how I was doing, and what sorts of issues I’m trying to sort out now. In late November I started taking 10 mg of Lexapro (anti-depressant) a day, and that helped me get out of the dark place that I was in. However, just because I’m in the light again and have the tools to cope doesn’t mean that it’s going so well, you know? I’m becoming happier and confident in my actions, and I’m able to trust without as much inner-conflict as I had before. I am slowly healing and trying to take in my situation as it is. But lately I have found myself digressing from the progress I have made. I find myself getting upset easily when others don’t respond in the way I hoped them to. I find myself being more anxious, easily agitated, and the worst of all, jealous. And it’s my closest friends I find myself being jealous of. I have no reason to be jealous, because I really just want them to be happy. I have a creeping feeling of despair that’s finding its way to my progress, and I don’t know what to do to stop it.
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I’ve been on a few dates in the past two months and am wondering if it was all too soon. I find myself alone now because of my own actions, or is it because the men I surround myself with are just non-responsive? Now all I crave is the attention, a male’s attention. It’s no good and I miss the girl I was growing into. I feel I hopped back into the game too quick and forgot about me. I suppose that’s only something I can know if I’m ready for.
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My mind is changing, and I can feel it. It’s very odd because even though my medication helps, I wonder if this is the right path for me, since it dramatically changes the way I think and feel. It was helping me along my journey, and by no means a crutch, but now I feel that it’s taking back everything it gave me.
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I’m scared to approach the summer months, and lately I find many triggers which bring me back to that night. I don’t know what’s happening, and I don’t want to go back to where I was before. I read that after a traumatic event happens, a person can feel that they’ve made progress. Then about six months to one year later they start questioning themselves and the situation arises again. I don’t know how this could be measured or if it’s even true. I’m wondering if this is the case, or was the progress just not as real as I believed it to be?
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I’m questioning everything. I don’t even know how you will respond to this but something, anything will help I’m sure.
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K.
I like you went on medication also and found it to only help temporarily, which may be the case with you. Ultimately we all need to learn to deal without medication in order to properly heal. I’m not saying it is your time to stop by any means only you and your physician could know that. Have you tried counseling yet. I hear everything you are saying but you haven’t said whether or not you are in counseling now. If not you need to be. We are not wired as humans to know how to process and deal with rape therefore we must learn ways to cope from the people that do know how to deal. And as much advice as I can give you should be in counseling for a while b/c everyone is different and as different situations arise they can address them in the prospective that is personalized to you. You are not going crazy even though it feels like it and you have made progress. Just b/c we take a few steps back doesn’t mean it erases all the progress you’ve made. The one thing I want you to do is try to stop worrying about your future (scared the summer months are approaching) and try to look at it in a more positive way such as I’m glad I’m here for the summer months and maybe plan a small vacation or anything that you can look forward to. Even if it is just a day trip or maybe you can save up for a little party for a few of your close friends to say “I’m sorry if I’ve acted strange lately but still appreciate you”. Just anything that you can look forward to and when your mind goes negative try and change your thought process to the positive. It won’t happen overnight b/c you are trying to train your brain to change your way of thinking. You really have to try and focus to do this but you can do it. Also, are you writing everyday? You need to write out your feelings as a release so they are not locked up inside and fester into something bigger than they are. Just write out your feelings, no matter what they are just to release and let your mind relax. If you are in counseling excellent and give it time, if not please please go to rainn.org and find one in your area, I promise it will help. I hope I’ve helped and check in with me anytime. Stay strong! Lynn
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Hi Lynn,
I am a Indian girl and I was raped in USA when I was working in New York. My parents wanted me to get married and wanted me to meet a guy to check if he and I click togther. We met couple of times with my family and his family. He once took me out on a walk on river front. We had a nice talk and he said he wants to talk soething to me and wanted me to come upstairs. We went to his apartment and were sitting in his bedroom door open.His roommates were in house. He started talking as if he is going to propose me next moment.He was on his knees in a pose to propose me and suddenly he closed door and jumped on to me and raped me.I ran away. For Indians it is very hard to digest the fact that someone other than husbadn has touched the girl. He said sorry to me and wanted to meet me. I wanted him to marry me since he had raped me. No Indian man will accept me as wife knowing that I was raped. I felt its better if this man realises his fault and married me happily and becomes good man. I did not want any physical relations with him. Next he said sorry and wanted to meet me. We met. He was gentelman and raped again suddenly. This cycle of sorry and rape happend several times. One day he made me drink a glass of wine and raped me. By that time i was loosing my concetration at work and my boss was complaining.My rooommates were mad at me since i was very irritating and in bad mood always.
I got engaged to another boy and i tried to forget about rape.BUt i could not. This rapist called me one day and showed me my nude pictures. I told my family and they told my fiance. My finace broke off with me and I could not take it. I resigned my job and came back to India. I am still suffering. I feel scared, insecure. I cry 10 tims in a day. I cant concentrate. I become hysteric and I beat people around me when I remember my nude pictures.I miss my fiance, but he will nevr come back. I am ashamed of myself. I feel I gae him chance to rape me.He used to say that ” I want sex”.My famly is ashamed of me.I was a very intelligent girl in school and college. But now i have become so dumb that my boss will fire me soon. I have lost confidance and I cry in office meetings all of a sudden . I cant control my emotions. I get numb sometimes and sometimes I wish so hard that my fiance comes back to me. I cant handle this anymore. I tried psychatrist but he blamed me for it so I soppe dgoing to him.I am lost. I need my self respect and confidance back.But I cannot forgive myself for drining that night when he forced me to drink. May be god is giving me punishment of my deeds.
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S.
I need to start by letting you know that I’m not very familiar with your way of life as in what is accepted and what is not, therefore I have to be very careful with my suggestions. One thing I do know is that you are a woman, who has been through a traumatic experience and needs help. Rainn.org is an organization I think you should check out because they offer international help also, so see if they have a therapist or counselor in your area. That would be ideal for you because they specialize in rape and would know your culture better. If they don’t have anyone you need to go to another counselor because I promise you, you are not the only girl there that has been raped and received help. Have you tlaked to a doctor? Try and find a female doctor to see because you also might have ptsd (post traumatic stress disorder). Which they might be able to treat to help with your anxiety. But you have to be honest and open to the doctor which is why I suggest a female. I think part of your anxiety is also caused from not being able to open up to someone and for them to feel your pain and understand. I think if you think they beleive you then you can believe yourself. That is not right. You need to believe yourself and not be concerned with what the other people think, just temporarily distance yourself until you have enough time to deal with it yourself. Once you know and feel deep down that this does not define you, it was something that happened to you, but in no way describes or defines you as a person then you can put it behind you. You are NOT damaged property for the next man, you are a young, strong, vibrant individual who has a lot to offer someone in life. It doesn’t feel like it now, but you are and will feel like it again once you get through this. And I have to tell you there is nothing more important than taking care of yourself right now. Not a job not school not anything more important than taking care of your soul and spirit. And most IMPORTANTLY, God is not punishing you for having a drink or anything else he is testing you and making you stronger for your future. But I can promise you God will punish the man that did this to you. Go back to the home page and review some of my daily suggestions on steps in the healing process and see if any of those help. I’m not telling you to do this but if the people around me there continued not to support you or care to try and understand, I might consider moving back to the US. At least here there is help everywhere for rape victims with no judgment and I would know I could meet someone that is not going to care if I was raped before or not. I met my husband after it happened to me and he knew before he married me and we’ve been together for 5 years now. All I’m saying is don’t give up on hope. It is a test of your being right now and you can make it because YOU ARE WORTH IT! Stay strong, Lynn
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Lynn
Thank you very much for your encouraging words. I really want to thank you for such an promt response.
I have talked to 2 docters in India. It dint help. According to them it was my fault that I kept the rape hidden from everone. I am sure they wouldnt have done anything to the rapist even if I would have told them about it that time. My family wants me to keep this rape incidance hidden and get married to another guy. First of all I am not ready for marriage as of now and I am afraid that if i get married again ,knowing that I am a rape victim my husband will leave me again.I am under tremendous pressure because of this.
I moved to SFO,CA in november 08 but my family asked me to come back since they feel that am broken and fallen and crushed. My family has consulted a counsellor who said I should stop making friends with guyes and have some friends who are girls. According to him I was raped since I have too many of guy friends and few girlfriends.That is not true. I have all my close friends are girls. Lady counsellor whom I met wants me to just forget about the rape and keep it hidden from next person whom I will marry.
I am browsing rainn.com to check if they can help me.
I feel so helpless and insecure here.Noone wants to hear the word rape. BUt the fact is I was raped and I cant function when I remember the incidence, the nude pictures. Somehow want to cease all these thoughts and get away from people who donot trust me.
I have started practicing suggestions given by you.
I must tell you that you are doing a very great job by helping other victims.
I wish I become as strong as you and help others.
God bless you
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S. I’m so glad I could help and I must disagree with the counselors you talked to in India. You shouldn’t pick your friends because of gender, you should pick them out of honesty and trustworthiness. And wouldn’t it be nice if all rape victims could just put it behind us and not talk about it, but we can’t. Whoever said that has never been raped and I question how good a counselor she is. If you are in San Fran (my favorite city in the world) I know for a fact that rainn.org can refer you to someone there, take advantage of it, please. I’m glad you are in the US because I know you can get the help you need here. Please keep me informed as I would love to know how you are doing. In the meantime of finding a counselor write out your feelings as a release so your mind can have a break. You don’t have to keep what you write but just get it out of your head on paper as a release so your anxiety won’t be so high. If you want you can even talk to the counselor about what you wrote. Just know you are worthy and deserve the best. You didn’t do this it was done to you so let the person that did this to you carry the shame burden, not you! Stay strong and God Bless You! Lynn
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Hi Lynn,
Good Morning.I am not in SFO anymore.My family called me back to India and I am now in India.
I feel so relaxed when you said that friends should be chosen based on trustworthness and honesty. I had started feeling guilty for not having friends who are girls.I have stopped talking to friends who are guys. I dont dress up well .I mean my friends say that I am so lousy these days. Incidence has happeded a year back and I am still riding on the waves of depression.
You are right.Thease people whoever are advicing me were never raped and they dont know how it feels. The kind of advices they give me like ‘dont go to US again’,’do not marry a guy in US’, ‘dont talk to guys’ and ‘keep mum about your rape and forget about it’ are not valid solutions to my problem. I know that these are my loved onces who are advicing me all this. But since they dont know what it feels like to be raped and giving up job, friends in a days time. None of them could really unerstand my feelings. I was hurt physically and emotionally.I was alone and it was hard on me.My mood swings are so often and sudden that sometimes I cannot reasonout myself why I am so low. But that does not mean I have some psycatric problem. When I complained to the rapist’s parents they said I am mentally unwell and asked my parents to keep me locked.I am riding these waves of axity since I got raped first time and it went on high and higher every time. It was all becaue of him and these people are trying to prove me Mentally unstable.
Then I realised there is not point in asking justice from rapist or his family.
I tried finding my peace of mind by helping girls like me in India. I helped a little 5 year old gril financially. I used to visit her everyday in hospital to read her stories and give her toyes and little treats. She was so cheerful even after such a traumatic experience. I used to positive whenevr I met her. Later on my family stopped me from meeting her. Since they were afraid that that little girls rapist would trouble me for helping her. I am so pressurised because of our society’s(rather Indain society’s) way of looking at rape. I tried to come back to US for that matter but I could not stay in US for long because of family pressure.
I feel as light asa feather when I am talking so much. Since I never got hance to open up and tell someone what I feel like.
I wish I can come back to US very soon, and feel +ve again. How do you manage to not to feel sick by the memories of rape?
Again, thanks.
-S
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S.
I think it is so great what you were doing for the little girl and can’t imagine why your family would stop you. I hope you are not offended when I say this but it doesn’t seem like your family is doing or even trying to do what is good for “you”! It seems your society is very strict in their ways and unfortunately it is not helping you. People that haven’t been through it or don’t even want to discuss it and just act like it never happened makes it worse for you not better. I’m not sure how old you are but here in the US when you are 18 you are an adult and can make your own decisions. If I were you I wouldn’t let people or a society who can’t even say the word “rape” dictate how my life should be. You need to talk to someone that cares about you and what you went through. You asked how I manage not to feel sick…. because I know and feel deep in my heart that I didn’t deserve it and didn’t do anything wrong. I think the rapist is sick and now he has to face God about that. I also believe in myself and know that getting through this made me a stronger person and better person. I now have more compassion for people, especially people that have been through this, which is why I run this site. It is people like you that need to know it is not you, you are not to blame and it is not your fault. You are a victim who I hope with the right help and the right people) will become a survivor. Do not let your family dictate your recovery. Take care of yourself first and then deal with everyone else. Once you have it under control you will be able to deal with your family more appropriately, but until then don’t let your society make you take steps back in your recovery in stead of moving forward. Stay strong! Lynn
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Lynn,
I feel so low every morning and i feel worst in the night. But it has been different since I met you on this site. I wait everynight for your reply and I feel so relaxed to know that someone understands me.
There was noone around here who ever told me that this is not my fault. Rather i met people who invalidated my feelings.I dont want to repeate those memories and get symapathy from my family. All I want them to do is stop invalidating my feelings. It is not just about the rape. But the backstep I was foreced to take on my carrier front , socially and just on every front of life.
With every rising sun I promise myself that I will try to be a stronger person today and onwards. I promise thins to myself and by the end of the day I am back to my low mood.
I have observed self esteem in myself since that incidence has happened to me and I have started believing that I cannot do anything on my own and can never have everything back in my life which I had before I was raped.
I used to try a trick when I was in school.I used to talk to my friends and tell them my goals about studies and since my goals were out in open I used to try hard to get it. Now I am going to try same thing now. I hav decided to do following things:
1. I have developed serious health problems since I got raped. I am going to take care of my health.
2. I am going to take control of my life. I am so careless towards my finaces,studies and just everything in life. I am going to decide everything my myself.
3.Start believing that its not my fault and I deserve better life. I am going to change my attitude towards life.Being more positive,optimistic and compassionate like you. I will find my little girl again and see if she needs more help.
Now that I have promised something to you , I will try hard to stick to it and not get drifted away.
I must tell you.I wait for this time to talk to you everyday and find a new ray of hope everyday.
God bless you
-S
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S. I’m so very proud of you and let me tell you why… First of all you are finding your inner strength even if it doesn’t feel like it! It has always been there (not because of me) but you find it when you truly need it. The fact that you want to heal so badly that you are making yourself accountable for your actions is GREAT! BRAVO!!!! Secondly, you are willing to do what is right for you even if others don’t understand. Thirdly, you know when you are at your best (by helping the little girl) and not scared to do what is right! You may not realize it yet but you are moving faster than you know towards your recovery. It sounds like you understand that you need to do what is right for you and you. It won’t be easy and some people might not agree BUT you can work on that relationship later AFTER you have put all your energy on healing yourself. I can not say it enough I’M SO PROUD OF YOU! I understand how hard it is for you BUT if YOU don’t stand up for yourself no one else will either. So let the others be thierselves, don’t hate them for it because they don’t understand, just know in your heart that you know what is best for you and move forward doing exactly that. And at the end of the day and when you wake up I want you to say to yourself, ” I’m worthy and I want to live my life and love it!” YOU make your destination in life and live for you, no one else! No offense to your culture but If I were you I would ask myself, “Has my culture helped me in this situation?” And if the answer was “no” then I would consider helping myself the best way I could and not relying on my culture. Only because your culture doesn’t even recognize rape, how can that be???? I’m not saying turn your back on your culture in anyway, only that if your culture doesn’t recognize rape then you have to go elsewhere for help, and there is no crime in asking for honest help to an honest problem! My heart and soul is with you. Stay strong and believe in yourself! Lynn
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Dear Lynn,
I have made action plans for myself so many times in past year year and failed every single time and I have kind of lost faith that I will ever get through it. I failed to start my day the way I had decided to. I just came online to check if you had replied to me.
I read your post over and and over agan to myself…. I feel I still have it in me and I can get there eventually.
About the culture talk.. yes there are certain things about my culture which need to change and there are some great values which my culture has tought me. I dont want to forget those values and blame my cluture for that. My culture was very strict in old days.Now people are learning and introducing new things and getting acceted by the society. Kind and compssionate attitude towards rape victms and giveing them chance to live a new life is one of those concepts which someone needs to introduce to this culture. May be god has appointed me to do this and help other victims from my society. I dont want to run away from them just because they dont understand something.One day I want to be as strong as you and start a support group or something of that kind here in my country. I am sure one day my people will understand me.
I want to tell you that I need your help to keep hope inside me alive and keep going. You are te first person to tell me that I dont deserve this and I have better life ahead of me.
Thanks again.
-S
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S. How awesome would it be if you could get through this and then help others in your society! Maybe that is your calling like this is mine. To be clear, I would never ask you to turn your back on your culture. All I’m saying is until you can get the help you need and deserve I would distance myself from all the negative until you have it under control. That is why I said if I were you and could do it I would go to the US. If your culture doesn’t even recognize rape how will you get help there? This is your mental well being for the rest of your life. You either take steps forward or backward and until the last couple of days it sounds like you have been going backward. Unfortunately, you can not do this alone. I can help some but you need to see a medical professional on a regular basis especially to address the concerns of your culture that I don’t entirely know. The reason I know you can’t do this by yourself is because we are not wired as individuals to handle rape mentally or physically. So it is not that you are weak it is because you aren’t suppose to know. You must seek help from a licensed professional who can deal with your specific issues. The sooner you do this the quicker you will feel whole again and have peace of mind. I was in counseling for over a year, twice a week to start and then once a week towards the end. Is there any type of crisis centers there or a religious person you could turn to? I think you are amazing and I think this could be your calling in your society to help others. I mean I know you aren’t the first this has happened to and won’t be the last, especially if no one is ever prosecuted for this. But you still must take care of yourself first. Did you check rainn.org? Also try googling “rape help in India” and see what it brings and if there is anything near you. I saw a site “domestic violence in india” that looked like it might be helpful. It looked like it might be a start. Just be very very careful to make sure who you are talking with is legit. Just some ideas. I’m so glad I could help, but I can only help so much from here, but I’ll be hear anytime. Stay strong! Lynn
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Lynn,
I tried returning back to US.That is when I was SFO,CA. That was the time when I was away from the social pressure which I feel back in India.I also observed that my health was improving.But I had to go back to India since my family wanted to.
I found a Indian female shrink when I was in UK. I somehow felt that inspite of being a woman she did not understand my pain.
I tried conselling in India. I somehow feel, those who have not gone through that pain will never understand how it feels like. I mean I asked him “how do I deal with the situations when I remember physical abuse I went through or i remember my nude pictures that too in the middle of some client meeting at work?” or “I cannot stop seeing my rapist’s face in some starger when I am riding bus or when I am watching some TV show.Sometimes I get scared when my phone rings.I feel the rapist is calling me.How do I stop feeling scared about all these things?” and non of these very famous counselleor in India could answer my questions.May be they are not specialist in dealing with rape. Since as you said “rape” is not pronounced and accepted in my culture.
But I am glad I found you. Someone who understands how it feels. I logged in to rainn.com and I talked to one of the shrinks online. She was good. But as I said, she was not able to understand me because of my culture.
May be I need to find some Indian shrink who is rational enough to understand the sevority of the problem.
Thanks Lynn for being there. I can atleast let out my insecuritires and problems to someone.
-S
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hi
i have been raped 20 years ago, and i only spoke about yesterday, i have been avoiding it for so long and now i have reached rock bottom. i really do not know how to handle this
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K. My sincerest apologies for taking so long to answer you. I had to take a few “mental” days for me to rejuvenate. I’m back now and my advice to you is if you are finally ready to talk about it, find a professional to talk to so you can 100% be yourself and open up without worrying what others might think. nonetheless after 20 years the obvious point is that it is still eating at you and probably dictating some of your life in one way or another. So get professional help, if you don’t know where to start, you can go to rainn.org or if you have health insurance you can find a therapist through your heath plan. Sometimes it takes a while and I know when I was ready and needed desperately to talk I wanted to right then. So if it takes a little bit in the meantime write out your feelings and take them to the counselor/therapist to discuss or just get them out and throw them away, whatever works best. If you do take them to discuss it really helps determining trigger points and things to avoid or change in order to help not hinder your recovery process. You are ready to help yourself now so don’t let that go in moments of weakness (and you will have them). Just remember the bigger picture and push through. We have to face our demons head on to conquer them and you are ready. Be strong and take care of yourself before you worry about others. Sta y Strong, Lynn
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Hi,
I was reading over some of the posts and thought maybe you might be able to help.
Here’s the thing – I was sexually abused by a family member from the time I was around 5 until I was around 11. I didn’t tell anyone about it until I went to college (I’m 24 now).
I was also abused by my father when I was 14. After talking to a counselor from Women’s Aid and Crisis I found out what he did consitutes rape. I don’t know how I feel about that.
I just found out recently that my mother knew the entire time what was happening when I was younger. When I try to talk to her about things she’s done similar to that when I was a kid she says she doesn’t remember any of it. I knew my grandparents knew what was happening. My grandmother used to come to the room because she would hear me screaming, but she never did anything – she just left. Now that I know my mom knew too, all of a sudden I feel so angry and hurt and confused. I don’t know what to do.
I’ve told about what happened, and went to counseling, so why do I still feel like I want to talk about it? I feel stupid. I want to be able to explain to someone how I feel. I tend to leave out how I feel whenever I’ve talked about any of this. It’s like I ache all the time. I’ve never hurt this much in my life. I was just numb before I guess. I feel like I should be over this already, but I know I’m not.
You know what’s really dumb? I just want to be held. That sounds so childish and stupid. I’m afraid to tell anyone that. There are a few people that I trust and would like to talk to, but I feel so stupid telling them that I just want someone to hold me.
I’m having such a hard time adjusting to adulthood – is that normal? It’s scary sometimes because I have no motivation at all – I’m not excited about the future. I don’t want allt his responsibility. I just want someone to talke care of me for once, but it’s too late for that.
Is it normal to feel like this? What can I do to make it stop?
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ok, I don’t know where to start with this, When I was 17 I knew a lad who lived two doors up from me, I had just gotten a small flat and was living alone. We kind of became friends, we were both quite poor and he used to get food and bits and bats and share meals with me and stuff, however I didn’t fancy him. Somehow, and I am sorry my mind blots out here we ended up having sex, I never said no, but I really felt disgusting having sex with him and I just clammed up, I want to clarify that it wasn’t rape but it was kind of not emotionally consensual and I carried on as I didn’t want to hurt his feelings, he didn’t hurt me in anyway. However, afterwards I think I have suffered with rape trauma due to me not really wanting to have sex with this person, talk about confused, I was young, struggling and not really sure about my life at the time, I felt very vulnerable living alone after a death of my family members, I have never told anyone about it, due to me not really considering it being raped or fear of being judged as a slapper, I feel I made a sexual mistake, but I still feel dirty about it and it has affected my self esteem, however due to the nature of this, I don’t know how else to describe it and how I can get over this, it is still affecting my intimacy to this day. I truly believe, from reading the other stories that it wasn’t fully rape, but it was more a case of I did something I didn’t want to do for the wrong reasons, I felt I owed him something for being nice to me over my parents death, or was I manipulated into that? I really don’t know. Afterwards I tried to commit suicide. I don’t have sex with my long term partner very much now who I am lucky doesn’t force me to in anyway, but sometimes I feel I am not really having a sexual relationship and I know deep down it is due to that event. I also don’t like men who talk about sex with me that are strangers or men who sidle up to me in supermarkets trying it on, I just feel as if I want to run away now from all men, this was a long time ago I am 35 years old, but men make me feel cringing and sick. I don’t want to have sex again and wish to remain celibate for the rest of my life, I just want my body to belong to me, can’t they understand that.
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confused
It is completely understandable why you are having all these raw emotions. And it is OK and good that you feel you need to be heard. I suggest going to a professional b/c your friends can only listen and I think you need that but a lot more. You need to understand why. A professional will help you get there a lot quicker. But I can tell you, it had nothing to do with you and it doesn’t define you. You were a helpless little girl that something bad happened to, not b/c of you. Sometimes the answer to “why” isn’t clear so the one thing you need to get straight in your head is – it wasn’t about you. I know you felt it all but it was about the sick person that did this to you and control and being a coward. It totally defines the person that did this so let him carry the guilt, not you for anything. It is common that you didn’t tell so don’t beat yourself up about that either. And as far as being held and taken care of, of course you want that. You want to feel safe with someone you trust. You didn’t have that your entire child life and it is a void that needs to be filled. If you don’t want to tell the story to the person you trust, then be very vague, like “I’ve had a really bad day and I don’t want to talk about it but I sure could use a big long hug”. Everyone feels like that at some point, they will understand. I also strongly suggest writing out your feelings, especially if you don’t make them vocal much. Write out how you are feeling, good and bad that way you can learn from your notes. I even suggest taking them to the counselor to discuss, especially when you have had a bad day and can’t get to the counselor, that helps determine trigger points. I know a counselor would be able to help you deal with the feelings of your mom and grandparents too! That definitely needs to be addressed because now you feel betrayed by your entire family! And rightly so! There isn’t a time frame on getting over this type of situation. What I tell people is you the more time you put into healing yourself by facing your demons and dealing with them head on through therapy, the quicker you will get them under control and know how to cope for a better future. It isn’t easy but it sounds like you are ready. So move forward not backward and take care of yourself. Hey it never hurts to get a pet, my dog always puts a smile on my face and loves me unconditionally. Rescued pets are especially appreciative. Stay strong! Lynn
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V.
You must try and let go basically of a vulnerable situation that you were in and just made the wrong decision for you. As much as you have let it affect you and dictate your future, it just seems like an honest mistake. It sounds like you weren’t even really sure until afterwards when you wished you wouldn’t have done it and regretted it. Honestly, I can promise you 98% of all women out there have done that and went all the way with someone they wished they hadn’t. Now I’m not saying your feelings aren’t valid, I know they are. All I’m trying to say is that everyone makes mistakes but you have to try and not let this one honest vulnerable mistake dictate the rest of your future. It doesn’t make you a bad person and if you didn’t tell him or act like you didn’t want it, then it doesn’t make him a bad person either. Just a decision that was made in a vulnerable state, that you wished you could take back. Now if you truly are happy being celibate and that is what makes you happy deep down then by all means, stay true to yourself. But if you want true intimacy and all the wonderful feelings that go with it, then let the past go. If you do want to be in love, you shouldn’t let a bad experience at 17 rob you of that or your life. I would ask yourself what do you really want and that may change as time goes on, but don’t stop asking yourself and do what you need to do to make what you want happen. You are the most important, so take care of yourself first. Stay strong! Lynn
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hello, i was wondering if you could help me. bad stuff happened only yesterday, and i find myself not being able to have a shower or a bath becuase i am to afriade to get naked…. i really need a shower.. i need to get this off me and become clean agian.. but i jsut cant.. i get my best friend to sit with me and my puppy in the bathroom.. but i just cant bring myself to take my clothes off… my friend sugget showering with my underwear on. but for some reason i still couldnt do it. please help me if you have any adivse.
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C.
Maybe subconsciously you haven’t taken a shower because you don’t want to wash away the evidence. Everyone wants to feel clean again but honestly a shower only helps a little. A shower can’t take away what happened, but it will definitely help. My suggestion to you is if you plan on reporting (and I think the strong part of you wants to) you need to go to call the police and have them take you to preferably a crisis center. There they can do an exam, take the evidence and you can take a shower and speak with someone who can help you. I know the weak vulnerable side wants to desperately wash but the fact that you can’t leads me to believe you are stronger than you think and you want to repot what has happened and you do not want to wash the evidence away. You must believe what has happened is not your fault no matter what the circumstances leading up to it. Even if you do get in the shower keep all your clothes, do not wash them and put them in a bag in case you change your mind and decide to press charges. It is a very difficult thing to do right now but I truly believe that is why you are holding back. So whether or not you make a decision now, if you make it to the shower save your clothes any any other evidence you might have. Go to rainn.org and find the closest rape crisis center is to you. They can help and give you guidance now and in the future. Whatever you do, don’t be ashamed or feel guilty, this is a terrible thing that has happened to you, but this is NOT who you are. Remember that, this doesn’t define you, only the person that did this to you so put all the bad feelings where they belong – on them. Maybe that will give you the strength to report this so it doesn’t happen to anyone else. I know you have to do what is best for you and your mind will change as the days pass. You will go through all the feelings of a death and that is common. I’m glad you have a friend there and ask them to be patient with you but know that your friend can’t give you the guidance you will need, only a professional or someone that has been through can truly understand and help. So please do yourself a favor whether you report the rape or not, get professional help through the crisis center or therapy or counseling, because you can’t do it alone and you don’t have to. If you aren’t sure what to do right now at this very moment, try to sleep. Sleep always brings down your anxiety level. So get some sleep and think about it again when you wake up. Ask your friend to stay with you so you feel safe and just sleep for a little while. I’m so very sorry this happened to you and please let me know how you are. Lynn
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my girlfriend was raped this past August and I am struggling with it. I was supportive as possible but this many months later i am having a hard time. Sometimes it just creeps into my thoughts…
She moved to my state, soon after she got here she found out that i would be moving to another part of t he state, 3 hours away. We only saw each other on the weekends. One weekend she agrees to see a guy from college she was close friends with. I already told her that i did not want her speaking to him, and we had big arguements over it. Anyway, one friday he called her and said he was in the area. She agreed to see him at a mall. then she agreed to let him stay at her house until it stopped raining. They ended up drinking wine which she loves, and she never once called me. NOT ONCE.
I am having a hard time dealing with the circumstances and the parts of the story that dont add up. Do i have any right to be angry at her for agreeing to see him. To spite me!
Where can i go to get some consueling, my zip code is 23703
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a,
I’ll be honest with you, it sounds as if you have trust issues and you are relating them to the rape. If this is true it is extremely unhealthy for your relationship. The rape should have nothing to do with your girlfriend having a friend that is a guy! I personally have many guy friends that I trust with my life and my husband doesn’t mind, in fact I have stayed the night at their house when I have gone out with them as to not drive home when I’ve been drinking (it was planned ahead that way). If you don’t have trust, then you don’t have a good relationship. And the rape should never be brought up because of the lack of trust because then you are placing judgment on your girlfriend. Maybe that is why she didn’t call you. You MUST separate the two because there should be no judgment whatsoever on your girlfriend for the rape, because she did nothing to deserve it, no matter what the circumstances were. Now I’m not saying you are doing this consciously but it sounds like you are without realizing it, but I could be wrong. So to answer your question, no I don’t think you should be angry at her for seeing her friend. And I don’t think you should dictate who her friends are. That being said, sit down with her and talk to her without judging or telling her what to do and explain how you feel in a calm manner. Let her know that because you are away and because of the rape that you worry. Tell her you want to be the person she turns to and gets support from. Because it sounds like the way you’ve been handling it you are pushing her away. You need to accept her for who she is now, and trust me she is different than before the rape. She can’t go back, if we could we all would. Rape is not something she gets over it is something we learn to deal with. And to be quite honest, any friend that accepts us and that we can feel safe with and makes us happy is a good friend to be around. Try to remember to put her feelings first when it comes to the rape, and be patient. I think it would be good if you both get counseling, not together in the beginning. You can go to rainn.org to find someone for her because it is for the victim but as far as you are concerned just go to your yellow pages or through your health plan if you have one. Hope that helps. Stay strong, Lynn
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Hi. I have recently come to realize I need to face my past and come to terms with what happened to me. As a child, I dont even remember what age, I was raped repeatedly by a family member. We were both kids at the time and it happened almost daily for at least a year or two. I dont remember how it started or how it ended only the act of it. I now see it has affected me more than I ever thought. It is one of the demons I’ve kept hidden for so long I still have not been able to let it go. I told a parent about it at one point but was never believed and it never got brought up again. I remember trying to stop it a few different times and being forced into it again regardless. I believe I had to of been between the ages of 6-8, the family member 10-12. I am now 25 and still have a hard time letting myself go and enjoying intercourse with my husband because of it. I feel like this is something I need to finally come to terms with if I ever want to move on in my relationship. I have battled myself in my own mind for years. I feel like I could have done more to stop it. There are so many ifs going thru my head. I finally told my husband more about it the other night as before I had only told him that it had happened and I didnt want to talk about it anymore. I dont know how to deal with this or let it go but I know deep down that I need to, have to actually. I have a hard time talking to anyone, my husband included, so I have never even attempted to see a councelor. I need help with this I just dont know how to get it. I’m the kind of person that thinks if I cant help myself, how can anyone else?. Just writing this for me is a big step but I know its not big enough yet.
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S.
You should be proud that you have acknowledged and want to help yourself now. This was a big step to write to me but it will pay off because I have an excellent idea. But first you need to know several things starting with the fact that you need to understand that we are not automatically wired as individuals to know how to deal with rape, which is why you haven’t been successful and it is also why your husband won’t know either. You need to seek professional help and my suggestion would be therapy. If you have a health care plan try and pick a female from the list. I would call and ask if she specializes in rape or can recommend someone that can (make sure they are in your health plan) or you can go through rainn.org and look for one in your area. If you go through a crisis center just ask for a recommendation for someone that will work with you on payments. You need to go through these steps because it is unlikely you will be able to get right in. So if you have to wait a week or two at least you know help will be coming. YOU MUST realize you can’t do this yourself and the past should be proof enough. It is not something to be ashamed of as I would not be where I am today without a years worth of extensive therapy. It is something to be proud of that you accpet the help of a professional and that means you are ready to take back charge of your life. Now this means vulnerability and mood changes with your husband and yourself so ask him to be patient and support you. Let him off the hook by telling him you aren’t telling him expecting him to heal you but instead because you are ready to face your demons and do battle which in turn may affect your marriage while going through this. But let him know the outcome will be worth it and the only thing you hope to get from him is his support, understanding and unconditional love. I wouldn’t go into to much with him I would save it for the therapist and then if you feel the need to let him no later when you have your head on straight then you can tell him. You see you need to get your head straight before you can deal with anyone else. Ususally people do the opposite, worry about everyone else before themselves. Well if you don’t get if how will they? So here is the plan and really try and push yourself to do it because I can tell you are ready and need to. Everytime something comes up good or bad write it down. Anything that triggers bad feelings as well as what triggers good feelings. When and if you want or need to write what you do remember that remember happened, write it out. Then take that to the therapist so it is easier for you. Writing is an excellent release and a way to reflect back on how you felt at a certain time. Now you don’t have to keep these but it would probably help with the therapy and then you can toss them if you want. The last thought I want to leave you with and probably the most important, this was never your fault, you were a small vulnerable trusting child and were totally and completely abused. And unfortunately not alone so even though it is hard to do don’t take it so personal and stop letting it define you. This was a horrible act that someone did to you and you were helpless, even it you stopped it one day it would have probably happened the nest. This isn’t about something you did it is about something that happened to you! The only person this defines is that your family member was in need of control and he picked you. So you need to know deep down that this has never been your fault. Once you realize that you are on your way to a better and brighter life. So take charge of the life you have in front of you and don’t let that person steal another day or moment especially with your husband. The past can’t be changed but the future is everything we make it! You are ready so be brave because it will get worse before it gets better BUT as long as you believe it was never your fault you can stand up tall and confront it and break through it! I know it and I believe in you! Stay strong! Lynn
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I’ve been raped over 4 yrs now, & it still hurts. i never told anyone except my boyfriend and he doesn’t make me feel good. he makes me feel like its my fault. Yesterday we ended our 7 yrs relationship. i used to live for him, but i’m a big girl now, i’m livin for myself.
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S.
The best advice I can give you is that you have to take care of yourself first. Anyone that passes judgment on you is not someone you need to be around. So in my opinion you are doing the right thing. If he ever comes around then you can deal with that then but for now take care of yourself. Also, don’t be ashamed (not that you are) of what happened to you because that is exactly what it is, something that happened to you. So if you ever feel the need to talk about it to someone who will understand you can come here, you can join a group or you can talk to a counselor/therapist. Sometimes doing what is right you for hurts, but you know deep down it is still right. The one thing I know for sure is that we can’t control how other people act or feel, only ourselves. So that is why is you take care of yourself first you will be able to deal with everyone else, good or bad. So even though it hurts, know deep down you had to do what is right for you. Maybe things will change later, maybe not but at least you stood up for yourself, that has to mean a lot and it has to mean a lot more than letting someone else bringing you down. Stay strong! Lynn
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hi lynn i wrote to you on the 2nd of feb and just want to up-date you on whats going on. he as now been on remand since march and hes back in court and friday the 8th of may he still wont own up but i got too much evidence on him and about 29 girls have now come forward so my case is now stronger than ever.
A MESSAGE TO EVERY OTHER VICTIM OF RAPE BE STRONG THINGS WILL LOOK UP IN THE END IT ALL TAKES TIME
thanks lynn for your time and help
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K. THANK YOU FOR THE POSITIVE MESSAGE for OTHERS and myself! Stay strong! Lynn
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my boyfriend and and i started dating 9 months ago, a week into the relationship an ex lover/fling raped me, i feel its my fault as i was in his flat when i shouldnt have been. we worked together and saw one another evryday also there was a huge age gap, he’s 35 and i was 23. that night was one of the worst nights of my life, i really trusted him and we had had sex numerous times before. this time was different i really didnt want to cheat on my boyfriend cos i knew he was the one for me.some parts of that evening is still a blur. i just remember him forcing off my clothes, i kept telling we cant do this and its wrong, at one point he held my wrist down and forcefully tried to make me feel something, after an hour i caved i felt lifeless i was scared to leave cos i thought it would just make it worse, seeing that we worked together and its not like we hadnt had sex before. hour or so later i just let him do what he wanted i just thought it best to let it be over with i just lied there with a pillow over my face cos i couldnt watch him do this to me, afterwards i cried myself to sleep. the next morning he left to work a finally got outa bed and left to work, we talked and he said he didnt feel like he did anything wrong, at the time i agreed with him. i didnt want ot seem like an idiot and i didnt want to cause a problem with work. but he got the hint that i never wanted to be with him again. i dont know if its rape i just feel such a mess since then, i constantly cry, i cant be around crowds?? i went on holiday to another country and just freaked with all the people around me, i hate men and think they are all bad, i havent seen any of my friends since cos i’m so uncomfortable with myself..as for my boyfriend for the first few weeks i felt stuck with him i never told him what happened, then i realised he was such an amazing person and cared so much about me, it took me 5 months to just let him kiss me properly!! he obviously knew then something was wrong but has never presured me to talk but only supported me. in the last month we have become really intimate and we want to get married in a year, but i feel i can never have sex again, also i dont know how to explain to him whats happened, i told him as much as a guy forced himself on me thats why i’m messed up also when we get close i make him stop and i just burst into tears and i cant control it, its so embaressing to cry like that. but was it rape? am i overeacting? i’m scared of loosing him but also i’m scared of being intimate with him.please help
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I’m 15 and earlier this year, a few months ago, i was raped by two boys, one was 16 and the other was 17. I thought they were friends, but when I spent a lot of time with them, they both knew that I was really down at the time because I suffer from depression, and afterwards I found out they realised I was an easy target. I’ve been to the police, and I’m still waiting to hear if it’s going to court or not. That night, they had plied me with alcohol, so I can’t remember all of it, but I always get flashbacks of what happened, I just can’t seem to put it behind me. Everytime I’m on my own, especially at night or when I’m with my boyfriend, I just get this sense of overwhelmingness, I just panic and burst into tears. Because they’re both still on bail, sometimes when I’m out in town I’ve walked into both of them, it feels as if I just cant move on having to see them both around, it’s just making me so down I dont know what to do anymore.
Everytime my boyfriend tries to even just hug me let alone anything else, sometimes I just cant bare being near him, and it makes me feel so bad because he hasn’t done anything to deserve me being like that with him.
I just don’t know what to do anymore…I just feel as if Im on last resorts now on how to deal with everything its all just becoming too much, especially as I dont know whether it’s going to court or not yet, if it doesnt I just dont know what I’m going to do, I’ll still have to see them around town, hear about them, and there’s no way I can get away ):
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R. My first suggestion is to take some self defense classes. You need to get you sense of control and security back. It will also help you determine (eventually) the difference from a loving touch and a threatening touch. Also, is there any way you can get a conjunction against them through the court so they will be forbidden to come within so many feet of you, meaning they have to leave anytime you run into them (instead of you leaving and feeling like you can’t fo what you want). If you go to the same school make sure your counselors at shcool know so not only can they keep you separated but if it starts affecting your school work or concentration they will understand and hopefully work with you. I would go to the person you trust the most at school whether it be a counselor or a teacher (then a teacher could go to whom they trust higher up to help). As far as you and your boyfriend you need to take it one day at a time. The absolute best thing you can do for yourself is to go to counseling, since you reported it the local crisis center could possibly give you free individual or group (i recommend) counseling or you can always go through rainn.org to find someone in your area (anyone can go through rainn). You have to take care of yourself before you can deal with your boyfriend. But take the pressure of him a little by telling him that you don’t expect anything from him other than a shoulder to cry on when you need it or a hug when you need it. He might feel a little lost on how to help but really that is all he can do, as you have to help yourself. Trust me when I tell you, it will affect the rest of your life in many ways if you don’t deal with it now. If you just bit the bullet and see a therapist or counselor you will learn how to have a happy life again. It takes time but you are worth it. Remember as bad as you feel, this is something they did to you and doesn’t define you. So take care of yourself, then work on your relationship and take it one step at a time. You can’t change the past and you can’t worry about the future, just take care of yourself today. Write out your feelings until you can get to a counselor (and I would continue to do so) so you can take it and discuss it with them, such as trigger points and certain feelings that need to be addresses. But I promise you a self defense class would do wonders too! Stay strong and good luck! Lynn
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Thank you so much for this site! I was raped 9 months ago and I just cried about it and truly let it out a few nights ago. This is the hardest thing I have ever done. It really turned my life upside down. I never imagined in a million years it would have rocked me to my core like it has.
I am writing to thank you for the information, most sites only give information on rape (which is still too taboo in our society); your site actually gives steps to help survivors move on. It has been the most helpful out of all the information I have found. I want to thank you for that and keep up what you are doing it helps more people than you would ever dream of!
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S. Thank you so very very much for the kind words as this is my life purpose now. I always suggest to re-review the site from time to time to help and get encouraging words if you are having a particularly hard time. Stay strong! Lynn
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Hi. It’s been six years and I thought I dealt with this all. But today I had a Sociology class and we were discussing sex offenders, rapists and child molesters. I was holding up fine, but when the prof. turned to a website that gives info on sex offenders and started looking up profiles, just looking at the faces of these people made me wanna throw up. It’s been 6 years. How long is it gonna be until I can let go?
What hurts me the most is that I never did anything about it. Three guys slipped a pill in my drink and when i got all dazed took turns with me. All i can remember is the view from the thrid floor window and how i thought it was the last thing I will ever see. I had a friend with me, she was slimmer than me, so the pill knocked her out. I pleaded with the guys not to touch her because she was still a virgin, and somehow as far as I know they left her alone. Few years later we stopped being friends because I told my story to someone and mentioned her name and she found out and got upset about it.
I never went to the cops. I never told my mom because that night when I got home she got mad at me for being late. My mom is a good person, I was just too young to understand what happened and I was too scared and embarrased to tell her.
Few months ago, someone imed me randomly online and I recognized the name. It’s like the whole world stopped spinning. This was the guy who six years ago originally invited me over. Same screenname. The same guy who casually offered me a beer once we met up. And the same guy who raped me with his buddies.
He didnt remember my screenname, my name or my face. He didnt remember what he did to me. He imed me and asked me to hang out. Common sense stopped me from meeting him and cutting his dick off. I had no proof of anything and I know my friend who was there wouldnt testify, so I couldn’t take this to the cops 6 years later.
But just the thought that this guys and his friends are still out there, still inviting girls to their house and doing god know what with them makes me want to throw up. How do I ever put this behind me if there is no way for me to fix this? How do I make him pay for what he did, or am I gonna be the one paying for it all my life?? What if these guys do it again to someone? I hate myself for not telling the cops. If you are ever in my shoes, no matter how much it hurts, let the police do an investigation. You will regret it for the rest of your life if you don’t…
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Me. I was in your shoes and I also regret not going to the cops now, but then it was just unbearable, so I know. However, there is something you can still do. You can make the report, in case it has happened to anyone else they would have a better case. And you and I both know that probably wasn’t the first and wasn’t the last. That being said, without much evidence (unless you have some) there won’t be much they can do on your personal case. BUT if they already have a red flag on them from another report your testimony could definitely help the case of others. That in itself will at least make you feel like you did something, you stood up for yourself and possible other victims. Whether or not you decide to do this you need to seek some counseling, group would be tremendous for you too. I wished more people would understand the more you bury your hurt instead of let it out the deeper it will get and only fester and will come out when you least expect it later in life and will not only hurt you but the others in your life and it could ruin potentially good relationships. And then when it does come out you don’t know what to do and nor do others. Help yourself first so you know how you want your life and how to control your life in the future. It’s hard but it is worth it and you won’t be paying for it the rest of your life, in fact he will believe it or not whether by God, karma or the police, trust me his turn will come. Stay strong! Lynn
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Thank you for all your advice. Last week I went to my first counselling session and even though I’ve only been once so far, it’s a relief to finally be able to talk about it. The only thing was that because where the counselling place is (in town), as I left I actually walked into one of the boys which was definitely not what I needed, it still feels as if I can’t get away from them. Another thing is that I’ve recently been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and am waiting to go onto medication. I know even if I walk into them, it has an affect on me and can start up one of my “mood swings” which is really difficult, not just on me but my whole family. It still feels as if them boys have a hold over my life =
One good thing though is that there’s more evidence against them, which proves that their statement isnt the truth and what I have been saying is due to an old msn conversation between me and one of the boys which I found by accident the other day, which I’m actually really pleased about.
Thank you once again for all your help x
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A little over a year ago my ex boyfriend raped me. We had a very turbulent relationship, he became aggressive and violent, there were occasions where he pushed me over and kicked me in the stomach or punched me. But mainly he controlled me, distanced me from my friends, ridiculed in public and made a shadow of the person I used to be, I spent nearly two years with him, he became so spiteful I realised I didn’t know him anymore, however I was petrified of being on my own, I had been made homeless and moved in council hostel accomodation when we were first going out and when he moved me into his house I thought he was going to rescue me. I think that was why I stayed in the cycle of abuse for so long, I didn’t know what to do or where to go.
In the end I rang a friend and she was amazing, she came over right then, we packed my stuff and I went back to stay with her.
But I kept on talking to him, it was like I didnt know what my life was like without him or how to think for myself anymore, I didnt have the strength to function without him because I was under his control for so long. Whenever I tried to stop contact with him and be strong he would hound me with constant text messages and phone calls.
I saw him a few times and let him take me for dinner on one occasion and I even kissed him again, I dont know what I was thinking at the time and this is the point where I start to blame myself and think it was all my fault, I felt so dirty and my whole outlook on sex has changed.
One day he came to my new flat and said that he wanted to talk to me, he wanted us to get back together and I told him no. It ended up with a row about me letting him stay the night because he didnt want to drive home, he pressured me and pushed me and I didnt yet know how to stand up to him so I said that he could stay on the sofa. I went to bed and then he just walked in naked and got into bed with me, I told him to get out and he started kissing me. I told him no that it wasn’t right and he didnt listen, he pulled me on top of him, held me and raped me. I told him no but he didnt listen but I only fought him a little bit and then kind of shut off, at some point I started crying and the next thing I remember is him throwing me off him and saying ‘what are you cyring for, I just got carried away’.
The next day I got up and carried on with life as normal, I didn’t even think about it, I moved home to get away from him as he hassled me incessantly, it wasn’t until he threatened to beat up my friend to find out where I was and followed me to my new flat that I told the police what had happened, they questioned him and told him to stay away from me but by this time I was a wreck, always looking over my shoulder.
I’m less scared of him now but I can’t come to terms with what happened, I see having sex with someone as giving them power or control over you and feel a knot of shame in my stomach, I feel that it was my fault, I should of stopped it, I can’t understand why I feel that way, I have now confided in friends and they have told me it wasnt my fault but it still doesnt change the way I feel. Sometimes I really do think it was me, that I let him do it. I don’t know what to do. Most of the time I ignore it because when I dont the shame washes over me, I feel disgusted and I panic worrying that it was my fault, what should I have done, what did I do wrong. I just want to know if it was my fault, my memory of it is pretty fuzzy and I wonder if this is because it was my fault and it doesnt count as rape. I just dont know what to do, I feel alone, I worry that if i talk to people they will tell me it was my fault.
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J. sorry for the delay as I had a recent accident and was down for a few days but I’m fine now. You must trust me when I tell you that this was not your fault. I can answer why very simply, “you said no, more than once and were forcebly held to have sex”! Take 10 deep breaths, seriously and now realize that nothing in the past can change, so stop worrying about it! You must believe deep down in your heart this was not your fault and then and only then will you be able to start moving forward and stop worrying about things that can’t be changed. It was a total act of control on his part, which is why they do it, for the control. Now I really need you to believe that this doesn’t define you nor did you do anything wrong, so release it. Now you need to concentrate on making you better and the first step is to beleive it. I would be picky of who I talked to about it because I’m always hearing through these posts that someone they told, turned around and told someone else they knew and it spread like wildfire, so be choosy and make sure you can trust the person you talk to. That being said, there should definitely be some friend/family member that you can call 24/7 because you are obviously still very emotional and need someone there to lean on. I think you should take a self defense class and if it is really still bothering you or you don’t feel you need more help, go to counseling. Truly it helps and you can go to rainn.org to try and find the closest one that specializes in rape near you. Do some yoga, get a cheap at home dvd or go to a class, but that will truly help your mind, body and soul. And I always like to suggest journaling because it is an immediate release. Again, another 10 deep breaths and say “It’s not my fault”! Concentrate on you and your future now! Stay strong! Lynn
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Hi my name is Randy when my wife was 14yrs old she was raped by 3 older boys .This is how she lost her virginity it also caused her to drink and do drugs.She has never dealt with this she just suppresed it with alchol and drugs.Now she is 29 we have a 3yr old she has been doing good she doesnt drink verry often or do drugs anymore.The other night we had some friends over and she drank to much and we had afight after everyone left.Well she had a breakdown and went on about how she was raped at 14 ,and that she still has nightmares.She was crying so hard she was hyperventilating and how she has never gotten over it.I just want her to deal with not blame herself anymore not let it affect her life anymore.Do you have any suggestions on how she could deal with this after all these years
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R.
Well, I would definitely ask her to go through this site to see if there are any things that could help her. I would also suggest counseling since what she has tried so far has proven not to work. You can go to rainn.org and try and find one nearest you that specializes in rape. If either of you have an EAP (employee assistance program) at work you can usually get a couple free visits and see where to go from there. It is completely confidential even to your employer. Trust me I’ve used them several times. If you have mental health covered under your health plan through work you can also check that out. But it must be done and it won’t be easy at first but she has to get over her past obviously to be able to move into a healthy future, and your entire family will benefit. I say that because you will need to bare with her through the diffcult times. But try to convince her to help herself because you can’t force her to go, she has to want to. Thanks for helping and being a loving husband! I hope I’ve helped. Stay strong! Lynn
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I was raped three months ago today…I thought I would be somewhat over it by now but the truth is im further from closure than the day after it happened. I feel lost, scared, alone, confused, angry, and extremely vulnerable. I have never been raped before but I have had a couple of different occurrences where I was definitely being taken advantage of. What I am trying to understand is what I give off as a person that gives people the idea that I am worthless and that they can do these things to me. I am a very logical person. I dont need anyone to tell me its not my fault and I didn’t do anything wrong. I know that. I know that I didn’t deserve it and that being drunk in no way made it okay. These are things no one needs to tell me. I understand horrible things just happen. Some think for a reason that will present itself in the future as a positive and some just cause that’s life. I believe its life and sometimes bad things happen to good people. I have the outlook that shit happens. You can dwell on it and let it take over your life and always wonder what you could have done differently or how you could have maybe avoided it all, but the truth is its already happened. I don’t think about it that way. It just happened. Should of could have would have…all to late. You can beat yourself up or you can move and and learn from it. Rape is never justified but there are things I can do differently in the future to ensure my own safety. When i said this to my mom she couldn’t believe how strong I was. The truth is even with knowing all of this it still isn’t easy. I cant help but cry and be sad everyday. I feel like a hypocrite cause i cant take my own advice. Knowing that its not your fault doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. Its just about taking one day at a time. I will say i am glad I took action and called the police. Hardest thing I have ever had to do but It was the right thing to do. They say if its hard to do that’s how you know your doing the right thing. Writing this makes me feel better temporarily but I just wish I believed it all
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A. I couldn’t have said it better myself on how to try to overcome and stay strong! But now I need you to believe it, deep in your soul. The last sentence said, “I just wished I believed it all”. So here you are, you know what to think and are trying to believe it but your not there yet (my perception). So what I would suggest to you is writing a journal, whether you toss it later or reflect back on it, write it out. You said yourself that writing this made you feel better. So that can be an immediate release for you and I bet help you sleep better at night, because your mind isn’t going 100 miles an hour. I would also seriously like you to take a self defense class to bring back your empowerment and security. Lastly, and probably most important go get counseling, you need it, your mind and soul want it (but you aren’t there yet)! And there needs to be a serious release of the control that this rape still haves over your daily life. You can go to rainn.org or through health insurance, church, whatever just talk to someone who has no judgment that you can feel open and honest with, even myself if you like. Most local crisis centers have counseling as well, which is where I started and still am. So help yourself and put the time and effort into it and don’t worry about anybody else but you, because that is the only thing you have control over is you and your future. Oh, a massage is pretty awesome too, just had one today (once a month) and it seriously helps not only with relaxation but the comfort of someone safely touching you (even though I admit my masseuse is a woman). So you are right take it day by day, but make it about you and what you need. When there are breakdowns, let it out, because crying is an excellent release as well. Sometimes when I know I need to (even 8 years later) but can’t, I get a tear jerker movie to just let it out and it does feel better. Don’t forget to read over the main page of ideas to help immediately as well as long term. Hope I’ve helped. Stay strong! Lynn
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Hi
I was raped 5 days ago by someone I hadn’t met before in a B and B. It was after a night out and I was very drunk. He forced his way into my room and then forced himself onto me. I did not struggle. I cannot come to terms with this. Before this happened, I thought I would fight anyone who tried to hurt me and I’m not small. But I did nothing. This makes me think I allowed it to happen. But I didn’t want it. Since then, I have told my dad and he has been very supportive. I have cried and I have hurt myself. But most of the time I’m fine. I’m going on as normal – still at work etc.. I am pretending nothing happened but I don’t understand this reaction. I have had some problems in the past with suicide attempts and self-harm but I’m so calm about this and I don’t know why. I feel like it’s an abnormal reaction and I’m scared it’s gonna hit me one day and then I don’t know what I’ll do. I have made the decision not to report it to the Police for a number of reasons and my Dad has supported me with this but I just want to know that I am dealing in the right way? And why am I so calm and together? This is so unlike me I don’t understand it. My head is like an empty space.
Thank you for this website – it is a real help.
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R.
First let me apologize for the delay in repsonding, I was on a mental and physical vacation which we all have to take sometime. I truly hope you are seeking counseling/therapy because based on your past this is not something you want to keep inside because you are right it will come out one day and it will comeout the wrong way. Since I don’t know a lot about your past history of self harm, I’m worried that the reason you reacted the way you did is because you felt you deserved it, which YOU DIDN’T. I could be wrong and it is just a theory but sometimes when people have a past of hurting themselves and this happens, it is another way of hurting themselves, if that makes sense. Doesn’t mean you asked for it or expected it. Just means when and after it happened, it was another way of pain to you. Which might be why you are calm because you have been through some type of pain before and that was your way of dealing. Like I said this is just my opinion and I’m not a professional therapist/counselor so I recommend you go see one immediately. You can go to rainn.org to find a professional in your area or go through your helath plan )if you have one at work). I’m worried that by your calmness you will explode one day, which is why you need help sooner than later. You can also go to a local crisis center if they have them in your area but I know rainn.org is international. The other thing I want you to check on the website is “types of rape” because your’s falls under submissive and it it way to common so don’t beat yourself up about not fighting back. this type of rape is one of the hardest to deal with because the victim feels like they let it happen or didn’t do enough to stop it but that is not thecase. You didn’t ask for it and didn’t want it therefore the blame should be totally placed on the perpetrator not yourself. If there wasn’t a condom used or you’re not sure you must go to the doctor or clinic to get checked for disease, that is the last thing you need. Since I was drugged raped & don’t know if a condom was used or how many people raped me I still get an aids test every 2 years. But initially they will test for other diseases and can get you medication to prevent or test for which is why you need to be seen immediately. It’s OK to cry and let it out but it’s not OK to hurt yourself and that is why you need to get to a therapist. You’ve been hurt enough and it sounds like by a lot of different things along your lifetime. Not sure if you received professional help in your past situations, if you did and trusted that person then go back to the same person if you can because they know your history. If not that’s OK but just get help. You can not deal with this yourself because we were not born to know how to deal with rape. So don’t suppress your feelings because that never works. the fact that you are here looking for answers means that what you want and you are being strong enough to know you need it so get it now. Also, take a self defense class because not only does that help with your sense of security but your self esteem and I think that would do wonders for you. I’m so glad this website helped you, now do some more and help yourself! Stay strong and tell your father I said I think he is wonderful man to be there for you! Lynn
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Hi,
I’m travelling for five months now, together with my very best friend. Last week the terrible thing happened; i was raped by two Cambodian guys, i think they were 18/19 years old, i am 25. It happened in Cambodia, in the middle of nowhere and it happened because i thought they were taxi and could bring me home. They both raped me, and i managed to look only at the stars since i didn’t have any chance to get away. Now it’s a week ago and the first days i could even make some jokes about it. Still i have my very good moments; we had a good night out with an old friend two days ago and i felt truely happy. But now, during the day i feel very bad. I feel alone, since my friends back home don’t really respond the way i would like them to. They were in shock, yes, but after that i haven’t heard from my other best friend. I am lucky i have my friend here, who’s really amazing for me and supports me in every way. But it’s the feeling of being alone in this world that really makes me unhappy now. I cant handle happy people now and i hate myself for being not as happy as i used to be. This trip is gonna last for maybe even one more year and i wonder what to do. The thought of going home didnt even cross my mind, but all my friends think that is weird. Fact is, i don’t wanna go home but i dont wanna be here either. I wanna be nowhere. I wonder what is the best thing to do: i can talk about it very easy, also in detail and i still see a bright future in a good moment. So i am not totally lost (yet) but i just don’t know how to start with this process now. Should i go home or not and what do i want? Questions I can only answer myself, but i feel like i can’t do even that.
Thanks
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Hi
I was forced on 7 years ago. I had met the guy a couple of times at uni, he was on my friends course. We had all gonefor a night out and at the end of the night he said he had been locked out. He asked if he could crash at my place and I said yes. Before I knew it he was on top of me. He didnt put his penis inside me as he didnt get that far! just touched me in places I didnt want to be. Is this still classed as rape?
I saw a counsellor at the time but only a couple of times. I used to cut myself when it happened but I have stopped now. I for some reason do not remember the date it happened, all I remember is the stuff leading up to it and the state of my room afterwards. Is this normal?
I am married now and my husband knows about it. We are fine and he is so understanding. I get by every year fine until it comes to the month when it happened. Normally I just get down but this year I feel different. I want to cut myself again and I dont know what happening to me but I want to do things with other men who I dont even feel attracted too – however I still really really love my husband to the point that I have been honest with him and told him what I am feeling – is this normal?
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T. I believe this is called more of a sexual assault than rape, but either way you were violated. It’s great that your husband is so understanding but I’m not to sure if I would tell him that you want to be with other men. That can only cause doubt if you never go through with it. If you do go through with it then you should be honest because he has to determine whether or not to accept his marriage like that. I’m assuming you don’t want to go through with it, therefore it’s like a fantasy. Would you want your husband to always tell you about his fantasies about other girls? So in my opinion if I wouldn’t want to hear it I’m not gonna say it.
As far as the cutting you need to start writing it out. Get all that stuff in your head that is wanting to cause pain out on paper. You can throw it away when you’re done just get it out of your head. Also, exercise is very good for you if you are into that. I’m glad to know you don’t do that anymore and if you know what triggers these feelings (like alcohol), try and stay away from your triggers if you can. As far remembering every year I would go back to the writing, when that month comes around write out all your feelings as a release and maybe when you let them go, you won’t think of it so often, instead of it just twirling around in your head. Remember this, we can’t change the past so don’t dwell on it, put all that energy into making your future what you want, because that is the only thing you can control. Stay strong! Lynn
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Hi.
I don’t know hw to start this..I’m so glad I visited this website.I was raped by a friend of mine whom I had known for over three years.we had sexual relations before,but I didn’t want anything to do with him,since I was interested in someone else.he become a friend who gave me advice,but one night when I went to his place,when I said bye to him as I walked to the door to open it he forced me back in,and for more than ten minutes it was a battle..I didn’t report it to the police cause my friend told me it wasn’t necessary,and that since we had done it before it was alright for him to do that.after few weeks he came to apologise then later on he tried getting intouch with a friend of mine…I feel upset cause I didn’t report it on time,now his on the street,and what makes me more angly with myself what if he does the same thing to my friend..I feel like a protected a rapist instead of doing the right thing and protecting another fellow woman from feeling what I felt that night…and the other thing he goes around saying to people that I’m only jealous and that I’m trying to get back at him…its so deppressing cause I’ve lost a lot of friends because of this….
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J. You can’t worry about what other people are thinking even though I know it is hard, that only holds yourself back in the healing processs because you are putting other people in front of you. If you feel he could do this to your friend then you should tell her to be careful, if you haven’t already. You can still go to the police and make a report, if there is no eveidence it probably won’t go far BUT if he has had prior complaints or arrests then that could help a case. At the very least you would have reported him. That being said you will go through some not so fun questions, so be prepared. As far as your friends go, if you lost them they were meant to be lost because they aren’t your real friends. A real friend would not question you and would support you. You should get counseling and trust me what happened to you happens more than you think. You could call your local crisis center and see if they have counselors, or go to rainn.org and they can refer you to one in your area. You have to take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else. Get your head on straight and then all the othher stuff won’t bother you as much. Whatever you do if he starts harassing you, you need to get a restraining order, but you got to report the rape first. Don’t allow him to harass you. And if he does I would take a self defense class, that will help you emotionally and physically. When you are feeling down write what is making you feel that way and get it out as a release. Then you can determine your trigger points and try to avoid them. First thing, stop worrying about anyone else and take care of yourself. Stay strong! Lynn
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Thank you so much for relpying to me right away..I was so stressed out that I broke down and cried infront of everyone in my house.I haven’t told my mother or brothers about it coz I don’t want anyone to pass judgement on me.my sister has been very supportive..at first I thought maybe since we had sex before then its not rape,but the whole scene kept playing in my mind…he used force and got wanted he wanted and I went home feeling horrible about myself the fact I said NO and had to struggle to get out of there and he still did what he waned to do made me realize that it was rape coz he used force on me…I did report it to the police coz no woman out there deserve to feel what I felt that night….the pressure on my side from friends is what’s killing me most.don’t I have the right to say NO to sex?was I wrong to report him even though we had sex before?is that an excuse for any man out there to force a woman to have sex with him?
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J. If your friends are giving you pressure about doing what is right for you, they are not true friends. You need to distance yourself from them. If it ever gets too intense ask them how would they feel if it was them. You absolutely have the right to say “no”! You are the only one in charge of your body not anyone else in the world, only you. The majority of victims know their rapists, and a huge majority of those who knew were past lovers, boyfriends, or even current boyfriends, or husbands. It is all about control, not you, which is another reason you should let negative go. This defines him as a person NOT you. So distance yourself from anyone who is doubting or judging you and surround yourself with the supportive people even if it is just your sister, but you still need to get some counseling, OK? I promise you it will give you strength. It’s not easy but it will help you get your head straight and then you can determine who you will deal with and who you won’t. Stay strong! Lynn
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