#1) Believe deep down it is not your fault, no matter what the actions were leading up to the rape, you need to know and accept there is nothing that justifies rape and you didn’t do anything to deserve it! Everyone I talk to feels guilty or ashamed in one form or another, but what you don’t understand is the person that is deserving of the guilt and shame is the person that chose to do the rape, NOT YOU! The rape was not about anything you did, it is about the attacker needing control and they are responsible for their actions NOT YOU!!!
#2) You need to try and do your best to deal with your feelings as they arise. I’ve learned that in order to feel like a survivor you face them head on. You have two options, deal with them head on or run from them. The problem is when you run, your demons become your shadow and you can never outrun your shadow, so it is best to try and deal with your emotions head on instead of trying to outrun something you can’t.
#3) The one thing I learned the hard way was that none of my loved ones reacted they way I thought they would, so I immediately was more concerned with their thoughts and actions than my own healing process. I see this almost every time when counseling a survivor. The first thing I hear is, “What is my family (often spouse/partner) going to think?” or “how are they going to react?” My typical response is, “I know you are worried about their reactions BUT aren’t you more worried about your well being for you and your family?” Before you expend your energy on controlling someone else’s feelings (when ultimately you can’t) you should take that energy to heal yourself. Because you truly need to believe that you did nothing to lead up to the rape and know in your heart it wasn’t your fault. When YOU realize it doesn’t matter what you were wearing, where you were at or what you were doing, then it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks! The bottom line is you have to take care of yourself first before you can take care of anyone else!
#4) Surround yourself with the people who support you and distance yourself (at least temporarily) from those who don’t.
#5) Find the positive in something everyday and focus on it no matter how small or stupid it is. A lot of days you will have to dig deep to find it, even if it is splurging on a dessert or watching your favorite TV show, but you must find something positive everyday to keep you going. This will also help train your brain that you can block out the negative.
#6) Remember that you can’t change the past so stop focusing on it with – shoulda, coulda, woulda – because it doesn’t matter since the past can’t be changed. If you are focusing on something you wished you would have done differently or beating yourself up with something you did, then you do not believe it wasn’t your fault, step #1. YOU MUST BELIEVE THAT IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT and until you do you have a long struggle in your recovery. Remember NOTHING JUSTIFIES RAPE!
#7) Focus on what you DO have control of and that is your future. The day I stopped letting my assaulter control my life is the day I realized I could be dead. At that moment (about 9 months later) even though I knew my assaulter took something from me, I realized he did not take my life and I wasn’t about to give him another day of MY life! He doesn’t deserve it, not one more minute! I felt this huge relief that I sat down and cried for hours. From that day on I stopped worrying about my past and what anyone else thought and focused on appreciating the life I had left. Now I’m not saying I skipped off into the sunset, but that was the day I stopped feeling sorry for myself (those emotions are allowed – for a while) and picked myself up and took a step forward instead of backwards.
#8) DO NOT turn to drugs and alcohol to mask the pain, once again you MUST FEEL IN ORDER TO HEAL. Alcohol and/or drugs are only a temporary fix and does absolutely nothing to solve the problem other than to push it deeper. You must deal with it and the more you feel and release, the more room you have to heal.
#9) DON’T rely on anyone else to heal you. You will heal as much as you put the work into it. Hopefully you will have support, but you need to know while it is OK to accept help from others, only you can heal yourself. Healing yourself through some type of professional counseling, whether group, individual or anonymously. A lot of cities offer free counseling or support groups through their local crisis centers. There are your some church groups or if you health insurance (make sure mental health is covered under your plan) use that. Some employers have EAP (employee assistance programs) that are completely anonymous even to your employer and usually offer a couple free visits. Go to rainn.org to find the closest counselor to you. There are so many resources, just make the commitment to start helping yourself and you’ll find a way!
#10) While the above suggestions are more long term, I would like to make some suggestions for baby steps that can help “right now”. My most successful suggestion is to right down your feelings at the end of the day (good or bad) whatever they are just as a release. This is good for survivors or immediate family members trying to cope as well. It is up to you whether or not you keep it, it is just a way for you to get your honest and true emotions out and not keep them deep inside you, which only fester. Warms baths are great before bed along with a good book to take me away, if even for 30 minutes. I always try to keep a book in purse, dvd at home or cd in car that I love and makes me feel good that I can immediately turn to to brighten my mood. And if you don’t have a pet, get one! Pets are amazing and offer true unconditional love BUT make sure you have the time to love and nurture your pet and you will get nothing less back!
#11) Think about taking a self defense class. After being raped your sense of security is shot and an excellent way to start to get it back is taking a self defense class. It is very empowering and a good confidence builder.
#12) Try yoga (if you don’t alreaady), it is truly amazing how it makes you feel calm and can just release the stress and anxiety. Never tried it until after my rape and I still have the same at home beginner dvds I’ve used for years, but I love them and I truly feel empowered, strong and relaxed when I’m done. They say you can heal your body through your breathing and I believe it. Tell me you don’t feel a little better after you take a few big deep breaths. Well, when you are doing yoga, not only is your body trying to align and release your stress you are holding in your body, but you are really breathing the whole time and getting oxygen to your entire body, which is not only a calming affect but helps the tightness in your muscles to release. So trust me just try it a few times, you don’t have to do it perfect (which is why I do it at my house) but I always feel better afterwards, never fails..
Dealing with Rape 
M. glad you’re “moving on” even though it seems to be such a slow process. I’m horribly sorry that you had such a bad experience with your prior online experience. It dumbfounds me that anyone would say such a thing. Someone who clearly hasn’t been in our situation before. Also I would like to reiterate that the way your body reacted to the situation is common as well as not reporting it. You have to do what is right for you at the time and only you know that. However I think at this point we both know you don’t want to reach out to him for whatever reason. You don’t want it to get any uglier than it is. That is a step back not forward. If your feelings change and you decide you do want to report him then go straight to the police. Most likely they will just take your statement if you don’t have any evidence BUT they can check him out to see if he has been in trouble or possibly connected to another reported rape. Whatever you do keep writing, it is such a good release. Hopefully, you don’t see him anymore and you can move on with your new family. Good Luck and Stay strong, Lynn
LikeLike
M.S.
The good news is you know exactly why you are reacting and eating the way you are. Now you have to “rationalize” a solution. You can start by being the best you can be for YOU, not anyone else. Once you can truly do that you will realize those comments and actions by the other people are brought on by their own insecurities and indiscretions. Trust me, whatever each did to you they did it to someone else, I’m betting. So you eating and/or gaining weight to stop the madness just hurts you. First thing I’d do is get a can of pepper spray. The minute someone approached me clearly crossing s the boundaries (don’t get spray happy) they would get kneed in the groin or sprayed. That’ll make them think twice before messing with someone again. Any serious groping or worse against your will, I’d be reporting to the police. You need to feel good about yourself after everything you’ve been through. You need to feel pretty and sexy again, we deserve it. Think how happy you and your husband would be if you felt pretty and sexy. If you feel that way 30 ponds heavier or lighter that is the place you need to be for you and your marriage and you can’t let the past keep dictating your future. Nor should you let these several other bad experiences ruin how you want and deserve to feel everyday in life. Easier said than done I know, but it is a good goal to work for. We can’t change the past but we do have control of the future. Stay strong, Lynn
LikeLike
L.
You must tell your boyfriend. If he has stuck with you and not even realizing what the problem is, he isn’t going anywhere. Trust me you need to tell him, so he will understand you better, your actions and respect you in an extra special way that you need (not that he already doesn’t). More importantly you need to tell him for you. You do not need to go into any details you don’t want but do tell him your age when it happened. You can say I want to tell you this but please don’t ask any questions and share only what you need to. It will bring you closer together. The reason your brain won’t move on is because it won’t let it until you realize it is not your fault. You never went there with that intention so how in the world could you think it is your fault. Every kid is naive at some point in their life, that doesn’t mean every kid should be raped. When you believe that there are bad people in the world and bad things happen AND KNOW it’s not your fault AND tell your boyfriend – you will feel a HUGE weight lifted from your shoulders. Stay strong, Lynn
LikeLike
i was raped 15 yrs ago now and still to this day i have sort no help. the event changed me and my life like i cannot believe.
i dont really no what to say. i feel if i ever told anyone they wpould judge me and i hear its not my fault but how do they the people i tell no that.
over the yrs i have suffered so much emotional pain by myself, i block people out im afraid to get close afraid of change afraid of being hurt,i cannot trust and that is a big problem in my life. i try not to think bout it but i no wherever i go whatever i do its apart of me. my life has gone no where for 15yrs cause im so scared of being hurt in anyway and i hate feeling vulnerable i could go on forever bout this but i guess this will do for now. xx
LikeLike
Lifeshattered,
Once a person had been raped their life changes forever, some bad and even some good eventually. But you will never get the same life back because you are different now (not bad or damaged just different). Before rape we are taught to give trust and sometimes feel invincible (like it would never happen to you). But after rape we now have to learn all over again how to trust, love, forgive, be happy and live again. You will not be able to do this on your own, obviously 15 years have proven that. You need someone that you can open up to who will not judge you that you can turn to 24/7. If you don’t feel you have that person in your life now then you need to try counseling whether it be group or individual. Not sure where you are but in the US you can call 1-800-656-hope or go to http://www.rainn.org to find someone in the area where you live. If you aren’t ready then write every day just to get those feelings out. Write about whatever, then toss it or keep it, just get it out. But most importantly you need to realize it was not your fault, no matter what the circumstances were leading up to the assault. If you are talking to the right people, they won’t judge you and you won’t feel so alone and crazy (emotionally). You need to take care of yourself before you can even begin to think about a relationship with anyone. You will only sabotage yourself and the relationship. Because when that someone comes along that you think is worth a try you have to tell them about the rape. And when you do you have to tell them with the confidence that you know it wasn’t your fault and you feel good because you are getting through it. Take care of yourself first because only you can do it, and I know you can. Stay strong, Lynn
LikeLike
I have been raped over a year now. I lost my virginity to a thief and a rapist. My family is not supportive they expect me to just get over it because other people have. I am going through a very hard time now because I can’t help but blame myself. I have nobody to talk with and I don’t want to ask my parents to pay for professional help for me again because it doesn’t help. I feel like I will never be happy again because such an important part of me has been taken away from me. I cry every single night and I’m crying right now. What am I going to do. I’m afraid that I will never be able to have sex willingly and have a family of my own. I’m afraid that more people are goig to find out so I didn’t tell any of my friends. I wish I could have a breakdown so my parents would realise that I hurt and cry every night. My mother especially was not supportive as much as a mother should be or I expected her to be. I think my love for her has died as a result. When I told my parents the first thing they did was blamie me for going to the movies that night and not screaming or trying to escape my attacker. The truth is I blame myself too I thought about trying to get away but I was so scared because I worried that if I didn’t get away he would have killed me. But now I know that i should have tried because what’s the sense of saving my life when it is never ever going to be the same. I wish he had just killed me at least I wouldn’t be feeling any pain now. I’m so sad and depressed and I’m all alone too.
LikeLike
Heartbroken,
You are and with every reason very overwhelmed, let’s try and calm that down a bit. First it sucks that your parents reacted the way they did but they did and you can’t help how they act, I too discovered (with my family) that it is just ignorance in other people who have never been touched by rape. What you need to do is start focusing on yourself, OK? Realize you can’t change how they think or act so just take a step back from them and go through the motions of life with them and let them be. You kind of need to distance yourself from them emotionally (not physically). Take all that effort in trying to figure out why they don’t get it and turn it to you to help yourself. I know it seems easier said than done, but it’s all about the baby steps. First, not sure if read my “types of rapes” but what happened to you happens a lot, therefore you are not alone. You also reacted the same way a lot of others do, put in your situation. You went into survival mode because you did not know what this man was capable of. And let me tell you any man that is capable of rape is capable of killing. You know why because every time the act happens it kills the victim on the inside. It is up to us to piece back our life together but we must realize it will never be the same. You have to start a new life, but I promise it is worth it and it can be just as good if not better if you really try. Start by knowing what happened to you is in no way your fault. Don’t worry about what any one else thinks, only you. train yourself to realize it’s not your fault. Once you can do that the road to recovery is so much easier and it won’t matter what anyone else thinks because you know. Let me ask you a question, “If this would have happened to your friend or even a stranger, exactly as it happened to you would you think it was their fault?” So stop beating yourself up. It is OK to cry though, albeit I’m sure you are a little tired of it. But honestly that means you are feeling your pain instead of trying to hide it other ways. The more you let out the more room you have to heal. However I would prefer those tears to come from trying to face and deal with your rape instead of brought on by unsupporting family members. It sounds like the only people you’ve told is your parents, no one else? Are you still in school, college? Also, stop worrying about future relationships because you will change and grow a lot. Things will change but for now you just need to concentrate on getting through today, not next week or next month. That will help you not feel so overwhelmed too. As corny as this sounds this trick works the best and the quickest, anytime, anywhere… Seriously stop and take 10 deep breaths, in through the nose, out through the mouth. Have you ever done yoga? It also helps tremendously (don’t knock it til you try it. I have 2 beginner CDs I do at home and I feel better every time when I’m done. It’s is just good mental and physical healing you can do in the privacy of your home. Hopefully I’ve given you some some things that you can start doing right now to help your situation. It sounds like you feel very alone but you’re not. Also, not sure if you saw this info but there is a website http://www.rainn.org or 1-800-656-hope (anonymous) that is a 24 hour hotline for help and advice if you need it. If you want to write back I’ll be checking in. Stay strong! Lynn
LikeLike
Thanks so much Lynn. Answering your questions yes my family memebers are the only people I told although it is possible that other people know because I live in a small town. I just finished my first year of university. I felt much better when I told you about it but the pain is very much still there. It’s the first thing I think about in the mornings and the last thing I think about before I go to sleep. What gets to me the most is that most things that people talk about around me brings back memories of some aspect of that night. That just ensures that the events are fresh in my head. Anyways thanks again for your time and encouragement
LikeLike
Heartbroken,
I’m glad I could help if only a little. My suggestion to you is tell either a counselor or teacher at school. Mainly because they need to know in case this affects your grades and if you start getting heat at home for not “getting over it”, they need to know, if you can bare and trust someone to tell. They probably know of great resources for you if you decided to use them. I’m glad it felt better to have a release, so remember you can always write to have that release. But my goal for you is to try and find that one person whether a school counselor or that friend that you’ve wanted to open up to and do it. You need to have a support group even if it just consists of you and the other person. If you don’t want to tell anyone you know then start with someone that understands at 1-800-656-hope. You are not alone and you don’t have to feel that way or ashamed of what happened to you. That day will come, I promise. Stay strong, Lynn
LikeLike
Thanks Lynn,
You are right, I can’t change the past and can only take control of the future. Thanks for your support and perspective.
m.s.
LikeLike
It has also been 15 years since I have been raped. Actually the 6th of June was 15 years exactly. Every year at this time of the year regardless if I am consicous of the date or not, I get depressed and sometimes suicidal. I have went to some couseling and have talked about the rape, but I just can’t get over it. When I get depressed at this time of year, I don’t even really realize what it is about until I think about it. I have had several relationships since the rape and this is my third marriage. I was seventeen when it happened and lost my virginity. I don’t know what to do. I just want to die. I am tired of fighting.
LikeLike
N.G. Struggling,
I understand exactly what you are going through and as much as you don’t want to hear this, the best advice I have for you is to seek professional help again. Call 1800-656-hope and ask to be referred to someone in your area that specifically deals with rape. It took me a year in counseling before I was able to turn from victim to survivor. The longer you wait the longer it will take for you to heal. If you have gone through this for 15 years then you have some very deep repressed issues that just keep building up inside. You have to find a release. You could also try group counseling. Don’t knock it til you try it. Seriously, you don’t feel so crazy, you make friends with people who completely understand and you also realize it isn’t all about you. I was so self absorbed with shame and self pity that I let my world around me crumble because I didn’t care. Then a day came and I decided that the jerk (or jerks) that did this to me had taken enough! Enough of my life, enough of my soul, enough of my happiness. I asked myself does he deserve that? Hell no and something just clicked – it wasn’t about me recovering it was about me getting pissed off knowing it wasn’t my fault and saying I’m not letting this asshole control my life and feelings anymore. I’m stubborn and I thought this asshole took so much from me he wasn’t getting another day. I realized if I died he would have won. I’ll be damned if that is happening. I had a life to live. Yes it would be different but it is only as good as I make, not anyone else but me. I decided I deserved to be happy, I deserved to stand tall and not be ashamed and I deserved to have a life again. From that day on that was my motto. I put sticky notes up to remind me. I started exercising again to feel good and took baby steps. I wanted to show myself and the world that he didn’t take my soul. You can do it too, you can BUT after 15 years and 3 marriages (which I’m sure dealing with your rape didn’t help) you truly need someone who can relate with you and give you the time and understanding you need. You will need to delve into a lot of past issues in order to deal with them and learn how to not let it affect your future. It is my best advice for you because you too deserve to be happy, strong, sexy and confident again. Not sure if you ever tried hypnosis, I have and it worked for me (not about the rape but about 20 years ago for horrible nightmares) and it still works to this day. Just something else to consider. Also, I suggest to everyone to try writing your thoughts (good or bad) at the end of each day. You can trash them or keep them, but it is just a release that truly helps. I hope I’ve given you something to help but please call 1-800-656-hope or go to http://www.rainn.org to find help info for where you live. Stay strong, Lynn
LikeLike
hey, i was raped last night, i reoprted it to police and got a rape kit done, but i still feel like it was my fault. like i could have done something to stop him, its really hard for me to sleep, eat or even breathe right now. my mother is telling me that i need to put my faith into god but i dont know how to tell her that i dont believe in him. im really confused right now and no one i my family knows how to help, im scared to tell my friends because i dont think they could help either. please help me feel wanted, and worthy to be on this planet.
a.petersen
LikeLike
Thank You So Much!!
I have been dealing with tragedy after tragedy in my life, and you make me feel that at LEAST, I can deal with one of the issues right now… Rape was one of the worst things in my life, and has taken away so many things from me and my relationships… But thank you for opening my eyes on how I should deal with this difficult and painful experience!
LikeLike
A. I’m so sorry you are going through this and to be honest since it just happened last night you are going to go through many different stages of emotions. First, don’t expect anyone who hasn’t been through rape to be able to understand or know what to do, they don’t and most of the time get it wrong. It is good that you your family knows so hopefully they will be sensitive. Most people that know are at least good at being sensitive. You need to chise just a few individuals to turn to. Someone who doesn’t judge you. Even if they don’t know how to help just tell them that you just need them to be there for you and when you are ready to just listen. Someone who makes you laugh and most importantly you feel safe around. Even if you feel distant from some people in your life right now, things will change with time, so don’t worry. Just take the space you need right now and don’t worry about next week, or month, just work on getting through the day. Whatever you do, do not sit around and dwell on the past, unfortunately you can not change it no matter how much you dwell on it, so put all your energy into how you want your future to be. Also, if you haven’t gone through the entire website, I strongly recommend it because all this info is what I say when I am counseling an individual right after rape and it will help. Where did you get your rape kit done a crisis center or hospital? A crisis center usually offers follow up and counseling, which I strongly recommend. If you didn’t get any info on that then you can try 1-800-656-hope which is a US National hotline to give you connections where you live to people that can help and do understand. Please believe me when I tell you that YOU ARE WORTHY and did not deserve this. What you are feeling is what every rape victim feels, what could we have done different. What you are actually doing is giving the assaulter more power. DON’T give them any more power because that is what rape is all about, power. Not about you or anything you did, it is about power and their sick mind of how to achieve it when they can’t get it anywhere else. So don’t you dare give any more power. Believe that it wasn’t you and you don’t deserve this. Believe it because if you don’t it will hold back the recovery process. That is step one. It doesn’t matter what happened before the rape because nothing you did or said was “rape me”! Try and get some rest, as it really helps. If you can’t sleep I tell people take a bath and read a book to get your mind somewhere else. Also, when you are ready, writing things down at the end of the day just as a release helps. You can trash it or keep it but just get it out. Try not to turn to drugs or alcohol because it is only a temporary fix and makes things harder to deal with later. I hope you can get some sleep because it helps more than you know. Even if you can take Excedrin PM, just 1 or 2 though and try not to rely on them. There not addicting but they won’t be as affective. I hope I have given some help and let me say again that you are worthy, even if it doesn’t seem like it to you, you are and I’m sending you a big hug. Remember you have to feel in order to heal. The more you feel, cry, even talk to let it out the more room you are making to heal yourself. It won’t happen overnight and it is a new life BUT the healing will come (if you help yourself the right way) and the new life can be better if you want it to. If you need me I’m here. Lynn
LikeLike
J. THANK YOU so much for taking the time to let me know I was able to help a little. It is very much appreciated. I hope something you’ve learned here can help you with a brighter future, because YOU deserve it! Stay strong. Lynn
LikeLike
Hi…came across your web site while browsing the internet..dont really know where to start so ill start by saying i was raped by my ex who was my partner at the time..things werent great between us and i knew it i just never thought he was capable of rape..he was very abusive towards me for years…insulted me daily especially when he had drank alot which was most days…i became ill and required anti depressants at one point i actually considered ending it all but didnt wanna leave my kids without a mum…thing is its been a few years since this happened and yet i cant find a way to get over it..it effects my life daily..i have no trust in anyone and treat men like they are all the same…i just want a normal life and be in control of it because i feel even though im no longer with my ex he still controls me…i havent really spoke to anyone bout how i feel inside cus i always feel dirty and yet my doctor knew when i became depressed that something wasnt right…he asked if id been abused by some1 n i dont understand how he could know just by the systems i was showing…i suffer real bad panic attacks if im around people who are drunk so i dont really go out…i always used to be such a strong person and i still try to allow others to see me as that but i know deep down im not and i feel useless sometimes cus i cant seem to get over what he did to me…all i want to do is forget it and him but i cant..S.
LikeLike
S. Thanks for feeling like you can confide in me. I understand how it can consume your daily life, believe me. AS hard as this is for me to say and for you to do, you need to understand that life as you knew it will never be like it was. HOWEVER, the good news is once you learn to cope in your own way, life can be just as good if not better. BUT you need to give up the old life. By that I mean, stop living in the past, good or bad, but especially the rape. No matter how much energy you spend thinking why or I wish I did this it will never change anything so stop dwelling on the past and let go. Please don’t take this as talking down to you for “dwelling on the past” because every single rape victim does this. I’m only trying to say use the energy you do have to focus on the things you have control over. The reason you don’t feel in control in because you are focusing on the past. Who says you don’t have control over your future? Only you, no one else. Now that you understand that, what do you do? First, fond one person you thoroughly enjoy being around and feel safe with and can laugh with. If that is more than one person, excellent, if not that’s ok too. Most rape survivors only feel comfortable with one or two people, it just depends how large you want your support group to be. Second, sit down with them and tell them you are in a sensitive state and feel that you can turn to them without them judging you and would like them to be your support group. Let them know where you are in your life and why (only the details you want) and ask them to be there for you when you need them. Let them know they don’t need to say or do anything other than be there, a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen, nothing more. Explain that you don’t expect them to heal you, just be there when you are lonely, scared or just plain sad. Once you have established a safe haven, someone you can turn to no matter what your emotions are and having them support you will help. This will also build trust again. It truly is all baby steps. But there has to be one person that you can totally be yourself with no matter if that is hysterically crying or laughing. You have to be able to let out your feelings to make room to heal. As much as we all want to go through life acting as if this has never happened, in order to stay sane we must also have the release with people we trust to just get it out in order to move on. I commend your doctor and you should have opened up to him, even though anti depressants are not the long-term answer. Short term possibly but as long as you are not blocking everything out and acting as if it didn’t happened, then the only harm you are doing is to yourself and your future. I know you don’t feel strong now, but if you let go of what you can’t control and start focusing on what you can (your future) you will realize you can be in control if you want. Start with the baby steps 1) This is what I want to do today that makes me feel good – and do it. 2) This is what I want to make for dinner today – and do it. 3) I’m going to do some exercise today and do it. Once you get the little things (to many seem stupid but we know sometimes it takes all our effort just to do this) under your belt then you can start facing the things that bother you. You can’t just jump back into your old life because it is gone. Now just take baby steps with different things (and your buddy by your side for support) to see what you are and are not comfortable with. Slow and steady into the future and try as best you can to let the past go. Do you live by the water? Someone I knew said she put everything she hated about the past in a letter, then put it in a bottle and threw it out to sea and never looked back. It sounds awesome, not sure if it would work for everyone, but more power to who it does work for, might want to try it. Stay strong, Lynn
LikeLike
i just dont know why i feel so alone, all my family and my friends are around, but my boyfriend is being a complete dick about the situation, my mom just keeps telling me to keep moving keep busy. but my mind is so blank, and i cant seem to think of anything that would make me smile, i miss that. it happened on my birthday 7-4-08, how can i ever want to celebrate again, im in college i just turned 20. i dont want to leave the house after dark. i dont want to move off the couch during the day, i lived in denver…i picked up my whole life and moved 1300 miles away to michigan. i have all my old friends from high school, but i havent seen them in a year. i just feel like i need someone to tell me what to do that isnt my mother, i havent lived with her in 5 years, im use to having the freedom to do what ever i want even if that is nothing. when i was in denver i was working full time and going to school full time. now i have nothing and no one. im lost, and depressed. i cant sleep, and i just dont know what to do anymore. i have half the mind to fly back to denver and kill the son of a bitch that did this to me, but i dont have that kind of heart. i guess im just looking for an outside opinion of what to do who to be?
LikeLike
H. First by literally taking 10 deep breaths. Your anxiety is justified, especially since your entire world has been turned upside down. I’m so sorry that this happened to you and especially on your birthday. My first suggestion is to call 1-800-656-hope the hotline for RAINN and they can give you either a counselor, some typically offer free service or/and group counseling (which I recommend) if and when you can handle it. I felt better when I got it off my chest and actually talked to people that understood and didn’t think I was crazy. The sooner you get help the quicker you will be on the road to recovery. The other reason is you aren’t sure how to deal with this and obviously neither does your family or boyfriend (which is common because they’ve never been through it and don’t like to see you hurt – not making excuses for there actions though). No one ever really acts the way you would expect. As far as your boyfriend, just take some space. Another step you could take is to try and find one person/friend that you feel you can lean on for anything, if you feel it isn’t anyone there in Michigan maybe it could be someone you meet @ a support group, RAINN can give you info and it can be anonymous. You really need to have only 1 or 2 people that you can turn to 24/7. And when you do let them know they don’t need to know how to make it right, all they need to do is be there when you need them and listen when and if you’re ready. Until then write down your feelings and get them out no matter what they are. Then you can trash them or keep them just get them out. Also, take it one day at a time because you will go through various emotions at different times and things will change so just concentrate on waking up, getting up, eating, housework, just doing the basics for now. Get some pepper spray to keep on you at all times to help with your sense of security. I also keep a baseball bat behind my front door. Try and think of some movie that makes you laugh and rent it. Do you have any animals, because my dog brings me so much joy it’s incredible. Get a massage or even try some yoga, I bought a beginners DVD and do it at home and I LOVE IT! It is so relaxing right before bed it helps me sleep. Maybe even take a short spa weekend alone to rejuvenate, whether or not now or later. Just work on today and tomorrow will come, don’t stress about the future just take baby steps. Try and get some “good” sleep but not all the time. 8 to 10 hours a night is perfect and will help you have a better frame of mind. Remember you are NOT alone and the feelings you are going through (as well as your family) are common. I hope you are able to get the support you need and check in with me anytime. Stay strong. Lynn
LikeLike
thank you
LikeLike
Hi just wanted to say thank you and its strange cus i did have a buddy i trusted but i messed it up with him…he used to make me so happy and yet he constantly would do things to hurt me…he was my friend for about 4 years and i miss him badly but i couldnt take no more of the constant pain…i know its probably all my fault when he used to insult me i am not perfect and i know im such hard work cus of what happened, i wish i could confide in my family but i cant…ever since i was little girl i would bottle up my emotions…my dad isnt the most understanding of people and i think he see’s me as such a strong hard person cus this is how ive always acted..i know i shouldnt dwell on what happened and i need to rebuild my life and look to the future and believe me i do try so hard to let go of it…maybe one day some one will actually love me enough to help me cus when i did confide in my friend he used it to hurt me…ill never understand why it happened and ill never know why someone who was meant to love me could hurt me so much…im sorry for going on abit but todays not been a good day and i really needed to get it off my chest hope u dont mind sam
LikeLike
Sam,
You can always come here to get things off your chest, fyi. I just wanted to tell you that it doesn’t sound like your old friend is the person you need as your support system so I’m kinda glad he is out of your life. That to me isn’t a good friend. But don’t give up just because of his actions. If there isn’t someone in your life now that you feel comfortable opening up with then start looking for someone. My best suggestion is support groups however there are a lot of other choices like taking a class or meet up with a social group. Do you have any hobbies or anything new you would like to learn? Yoga is the best. I’ve been doing a beginners DVD for 5 years now but it just relaxes me so much. I just really want you to feel good about yourself. You have to know what happened wasn’t your fault, nor was it your fault because you thought you could confide in a friend. These things are their shortcomings and issues and should lay on their conscious. You need to put you first and do things that make you feel good. Take it one day at time so you aren’t overwhelmed. Start doing something new that will get you out of the house and meeting new people. Start your new life, it is only gonna be what you make it. And I want you to love yourself again. Remember you did nothing wrong, you are a wonderful person, believe it! Stay strong! Lynn
LikeLike
i dont know where to start. I am just checking online to see if I can figure out how to fix myself and I came across your page. I was raped a long time ago….8 years now and have not yet healed. I havent made any steps. Its been so long but i’m still very much in pain and I just dont know what to do. its been so long and I feel embarassed for leaving it for so long and ultimately just emabarassed. I dont talk about it..i’ve told one person and she’s been so amazingly helpful but now she is getting frustrated with me..as she should. All she wants from me is to be better and i’m just so scared of dealing with it. I dont know why? I have taken about a million steps backwards in the past while in my recovery….reckless behaviour…random sexual encounters, alchohol and drug abuse, bullemia and i’m scared because its not me. I am just trying to feel something and be powerful. i’m a smart woman and i know what i have to do and I’m reading everything you say and it all makes sense and I feel i know this…but i’m just scared to admit it out loud. My friend wants me to go to a clinic and talk to someone but I dont think i can do it…i’m just so scared. I cant see myself walking into this place. I wish she would come with me but I dont think I can ask her, she’s sick of me and I know its something I have to do on my own. She can only support me as a friend now…she really has done so much. held me and listened to me cry again and again and now she sees my downward spiraling behaviour. I know i’m out of control. I guess i dont believe its possible to heal and i have always shunned councelling and therapy….is healing actually possible?
LikeLike
KJ, Yes it is absolutely possible to heal. I wouldn’t be here doing what I’m doing if it wasn’t for my healing. Here is the thing though, you will only heal to the extent of the effort and hard work you put in it. It sounds like you have been running from it instead of working to get better. And that is OK b/c we all do that until we’ve had enough and are ready to try. I always say your demons are like your shadow, you can not run from them. Let me give you some motivation. It’s been 8 years, you’ve tried it on your own and where are you now? First let me say there is no right or wrong answers, because no one is born knowing “how to deal with rape”. The only thing you can do is ask yourself deep down, am I ready to do something to actually help myself to get over this? If you are then you need to do it, if you’re not then keep living your life the way you have the past 8 years and see where it gets you. I too went through the destructive behavior you spoke about and was extremely unhappy. I was constantly looking for the temporary band aid only to realize that the “temporary” fix only made me feel worse later and my problems were still there. I’m glad you have your friend but she can’t help you if you are not ready to help yourself, that is why she is frusterated. She can not make it better for you only support you. You have to want to help yourself. It sounds like you do but you don’t know how. If you call 1-800-656-hope they can tell you a counselor specializing in rape in your area, which I strongly suggest. You don’t have to be scared because this is a national network specifically dealing with rape. The other thing is try and stop the temporary fix and focus on long term, things you need to change in order to stay strong. Also, try and write your emotions down, on whatever is bothering you today. You don’t need to keep it, you can trash it but is is a very good release, especially if you are trying to give your friend a break. Also tell your friend that you appreciate her support, and you realize she can’t make you better and that because of her strength you have decided to take the steps to help yourself. Stop hanging around people that enable your temporary fix and do some soul searching. If you can handle it I would even recommend group counseling which you can get from the # above also. In group, you only talk when you are ready but you listen to everyone else and you don’t feel so alone. You know other people have been through what you have and you pull strength from them. Also, try and get a lot of good sleep b/c that always helps your emotions when they run high. Most of all take all that shame and humility and place it on your attacker. Hold your head up and realize, just b/c this happened to you, doesn’t make you any lessor of a person. Put all that responsibility on the attacker, it is not your burden to carry around because it is not your fault. Think about being hit from behind in a car. Who would you blame, not yourself, right? So hopefully these suggestions helps get your head right and you can start taking steps forward instead of back. And if you stumble, thats OK b/c no one is perfect and you can pick yourself back up and start again. Just take little steps everyday and then all of a sudden they will be big steps. Stay Strong! Lynn
LikeLike
wow..thanks so much Lynn. I didnt think i would get a response so soon. I really do think i want help, i feel like i do i cant keep living like this. I want things and that other people have and I dont think I ever will if I keep acting the way I do. But like you said its true…i just dont know how. I’m an incredibly insecure and guarded person and it’s just a really scary thing to call a number or go into a clinic..i cant even call credit card companies back for fear of embarassment. I am going to write that number down, i think i am going to try and just do it and call. What will they say to me?
LikeLike
Hey Lynn
Its been a while, I have been great for the last few months. My counciller left in May (not my choice) and since then i tried to get along with another lady, she was really nice but i told her (in all honesty) that i just couldnt start again and i wanted a break.
I really didnt think it possible but i am happy. (no not all the time) but more so then i have ever been, i finally feel like i am being a real teenager who is no longer holding onto the past hurts. I have relaxed myself enough to enter a friendly relationship with a guy that shows me so much respect. I laugh everyday, i dont go home and dwell. School is so much easier then i ever thought possible. And friendships have become so much less complicated since i have let myself relax.
I just think that there was a point where i simply didnt think that i could ever be like this, it happens! It really does! Its not just a lie they tell you so you wont kill yourself! There IS hope, just wanted to let you know its people like you who help others reach this point.
So THANKS
LikeLike
D. I’m so happy to hear from you and SOOOOO VERY HAPPY to hear you are doing so much better. I’m so happy for you I’m crying!!!! Thanks so much for checking back in with me and letting me know how you are. I’m thrilled that you are in a respectful relationship and most of all laughing again. I told you if you take the steps to heal yourself even though you might trip and fall along the way that those baby steps become giant steps and all of a sudden you feel better and the world around you looks better. This is why I do this, to help, even if only one, it makes it all worth it. You are so deserving of a good life and I’m glad you finally believe that. Thanks again for checking in and check back in with me anytime. Stay strong and be happy! Love Lynn
LikeLike
I was raped two months ago by one of my closest friends. I know you say no matter the circumstances, it’s not your fault, but was if I was drinking at the time when it happened and knew I shouldn’t have been. I keep telling myself it wasn’t my fault, but over and over I feel guilty because I even though I felt like I could trust my friend, it was my fault for drinking and giving him that opportunity. I keep telling myself I am ok, hoping that one day I might believe. My sister has been so much help, but I feel like I cannot talk about this with her and that she just won’t be able to ever relate to what I am going through. The guilt, the shame, the feeling of disgustingness, and the thought that I know he took something from me that I will never be able to get back: my virginity. I’m so stressed and overwhelmed and feel like I am no one and worthless.
LikeLike
Let me ask you a question? Do you think every person out there that drinks, even when they aren’t suppose to is asking to be raped? NO!!!! That is why I know IT’s NOT YOUR FAULT! That is how it happened to me. Did I deserve to be raped? No! I would say about half of the rape victims I see involve alcohol, does that mean they deserved or asked to be raped? No! What does that tell you? It means that these jerks out there know when a person can be vulnerable and use it to their advantage. The only person who is no one and worthless is the so called friend you trusted b/c he knew right from wrong and he abused you and your friendship. They do this b/c they can blame it on the alcohol and expect you to blame the alcohol too instead of them and guess what? It worked on you didn’t it? Well, you need to get your head straight and realize none of this was your doing. You trusted him and were drinking thinking it would be fun (which might I add almost every teenager or college kids do) and he knew you trusted him and decided to take advantage. I NEED YOU to take all those bad feelings off of your shoulders and place them where they belong onto him. This DOES NOT define you, IT DEFINES HIM AS RAPIST! If you had a little girl or if this was your sister, what would you say to them???? I’m sure you wouldn’t blame them b/c if you were to say “well you shouldn’t have been drinking” then basically you are saying that every girl out there that is drinking (whether or not of age) is asking to be raped! I don’t think you believe that, do you? So don’t think of yourself that way. Now that I hope you believe me you do need someone that you can turn to to talk about this 24/7, if it isn’t your sister, how about a parent or close friend? What about a counselor at school especially if this guy is at the same school. There is always 1-800-656-hope or rainn.org that can give you a specialist in your area (in the US) and the call is confidential and anonymous. I think if your sister wants to help though, let her. As far as not relating to what you are going through, it is difficult for anyone who hasn’t been through rape to do that, but all they really need to do for you is be there when you need a shoulder to cry on or just listen or even just to hang out with to feel safe and halfway normal again. It is you that must help yourself and holding it in or acting like it didn’t happen (not saying you are) is not the path to recovery. If you want to feel whole and happy again you will need to work at it. My first concern is getting away and staying away from this boy, however you need to do that to help yourself mentally and for security. And most importantly believe deep in your heart that drinking is not asking to be raped, not for you or anyone else. Although you do need to be cautious and drink responsibly, which I’m sure if you do again you will. Something else that might help you is to write down your feelings when you are feeling overwhelmed. You can throw it away or keep it just get it out on paper. It is an excellent way to release those feelings that you feel to embarrassed to tell others. Remember try and put the blame and bad feelings where they belong on him NOT YOU! Hope this helps. Stay strong! Lynn
LikeLike
About two months ago I was raped…or at least I think I was. Problem is, I don’t remember much about that part of the night. I remember the beginning and parts of the end of the night, but that’s about all. I have vague, blurry photos or mental pictures of what was going on, but there are chunks of the night missing. My boyfriend and I had been having trouble again, even though we’d just gotten back together. I wanted to relax after having another fight, so this guy, who at the time I considered a best friend, invited me to come to his friend’s house to hangout and have a couple drinks since the parents were out of town. I decided to go, with the intention of only drinking enough to get tipsy, but not to get sick, pass out, get drunk, etc. Little did I know the way vodka affects me, because within what I estimate to be half an hour of drinking it, my memory of the night stops. From this point on, all I have are my “snapshots” of that night; I’m not even sure on the particular order of events. I know that I got pretty sick in the bathroom, and I know I fell asleep and woke up not wearing any bottoms and my shirt was messed up. I have vague recollections of being in the living room, the drive home, and thats about it. The next morning I only remember playing the card game outback and talking in the kitchen- all happened before the vodka. For the next couple of days though, my friend texted me things that kind of hinted that something had happened between us, but I had no clue what he was talking about. After a few days he basically told me we’d had sex that night. Being that I was still with my boyfriend and that I’d only ever slept with him, and that I hadn’t any intention of doing that with this guy, I was freaked. But he was so nice about it and I’d trusted him so much, and plus I didn’t want to think about the horrible girlfriend that made me and the thought of being with my friend that way- so I played it off to him and never said anything to anyone. Over the next few weeks I started distancing myself from my boyfriend- the worst was when I went on vacation with him and his family and by the end of the trip I couldn’t kiss, hug, touch, or say “I love you” anymore. I felt wrong and bad. We broke up again about a week after we got back from the vacation. I invited the guy over a few days later, but later that night I felt this urge to get away from him, despite the good time we were having. That weekend, I had a lot of down time to be alone and gather my thoughts and relax, since I was single and my parents were out of town. I spent all day that sunday just practicing clearing my mind. After several hours and a rum and coke later, my mind was relaxed and the video started playing: that night ran through my mind over and over again, and the snapshots appeared, but the reel kept skipping in the same spots over and over again. He started texting me that night, coincidentally, and I mentioned that night, talking about how messed up I was. He didn’t seem to take it seriously, which made me ask if he even noticed. He casually said that yea, sure, I was pretty wasted. That’s when it hit me. So the next day I went to work and he was there hanging out and playing basketball, but ignored me all evening until I was pretty much alone. Then he struck up conversation about his day, acting like the night before’s conversation had never happened. I waited for him to mention it, but he didn’t. When I got home I started freaking out, trying to remember everything, crying myself to sleep. The next day I woke up and tried to remember again, but I knew the inevitable. There was no way I could prove that he hadn’t raped me, despite my best efforts; I called my ex, who I’d been with before for over 2 and a half years, because he was the only one I knew I could trust. We wound up getting back together because we realized that our relationship had been fine- it was my experience that had hung on me like an evil shadow that had been the driving force to make us have any doubts. I stopped talking to that guy altogether and just a couple of nights ago he texted me asking what was going on…over the next 12 hours, from that night to the next morning, he had managed to tell me that I was the one who got him drunk and took advantage of him, that he had no more respect for me, and didn’t want to talk to me ever again.
I need help, please. I don’t know what to think. I don’t know who to talk to. I don’t want to tell my parents or go to the police. I just want to talk to someone who knows how to help me through this, someone who knows what they’re talking about. Please..tell me what’s wrong with me.
LikeLike
B.
I’m so glad that you were able to open up to your boyfriend and that he really listened without judgment and you were able to not let this tear your relationship apart. That is unconditional love and not many people have that! You two are two people that love each other and “unconditional” love conquers all. You have already accomplished one of the hardest parts of dealing with sexual assault (whether or not you realize it now) so kudos to you both! So after everything is said and done, I would focus on that (the positiveness of all this). After I read what happened to you, I have to say first this is my opinion only, but it sounds like he could have given you a rape date drug. I wasn’t there and I don’t know the amount you had to drink nor what you ate that day or how much liquor you can handle BUT what I do know is how a date rape drug can effect you (that is how it happened to me) and it sounds very possible. What leads me to this conclusion even more is the way he acted towards you. First like it was consensual b/c that would be the way he would definitely lead you to believe, so you would blame yourself on the drinking instead of the way he took advantage. Secondly b/c the way he changed his thought process. As soon as you started to put 2 & 2 together he now blames you to take the blame off him b/c he is now realizing the consequences…. I’ve heard it so many times it is like a tape recorder replaying itself. Now add to the fact that you never even thought of doing such a thing with this guy or any other guy. Alcohol typically only makes you loose your inhibitions with things that you thought of doing before but were to scared or shy to do. If you never thought of it, alcohol isn’t going to change your mind, make sense? I can tell you when I’ve been in love no matter how much I’ve been drinking it has never made me want to cheat. So I wouldn’t feel guilty or ashamed if I was you. I will also tell you that if you haven’t kept any clothes (without washing) or any other type of evidence the police pretty much won’t have anything to prosecute HOWEVER they can take a report and put a “label” on him in case it has or will happen to anyone else. That is really up to you on what you want to do, but I can almost guarantee if he did drug you, it’s not his first time nor will it be his last. Lastly, THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU, it is him that is screwed up and so desperate that he befriends them to take advantage and then try and throw the blame on them. How dare he even make you think twice about yourself! Let’s go back to the positive, you and your loving relationship. That is what you need to focus on and protect that and yourself going forward. I don’t even know you both but feel such love that you have each other, don’t loose that b/c it is more important than any asshole out there that makes you doubt yourself and your relationship w/your boyfriend. I hope I’ve helped. Stay strong! Lynn
LikeLike
I was raped about a month ago and i just to my boyfriend and he thinks it is my fault. I don’t know what to do i’m only 14 i didnt think it could happen but it did. Can you help me?
LikeLike
S
First and foremost you have to try and not let other people’s opinion sway the events that happened to you. Your boyfriend was not there and ignorance is the easiest response. So I know it is difficult to try and put people’s feelings we care about second to ourselves, but in this case it is necessary. You can’t try and explain and justify when #1) it’s extremely personal, #2) you shouldn’t have to and #3) you’re still trying to figure it out yourself. So the first step is to tell your boyfriend what you need now is support and ask him if that is something he can give. If he doesn’t you tell him you know it is hard on everyone but it is even tougher on you, which is why you need the support. Tell him that and anyone else that falls into this category. And tell them when you get your head wrapped around what has happened to you, that then maybe you can try to work on your relationship together. Then surround yourself with the people that show you unconditional love and no judgment. Whether or not you have one good 24/7 friend or a couple of them. Also, it always helps to write out your emotions, sometimes when they get really overwhelming, if someone isn’t there, just write it all out. You can trash them or keep them but it is a fantastic release. Try no to get too upset with people that don’t know how to help & react in strange ways, we can’t control them but we can control our thoughts and actions. So toss it up to them just not getting it and hopefully they will come around sometime. In the meantime take care of yourself and know in your heart it wasn’t your fault! Control your own thoughts into helping yourself first and if you ever need immediate help 24/7 call 1-800-656-hope (in the US). Go to your guidance counselor at school and let them know, especially if this kid goes to your school. And be careful who you confide in. Some kids your age wouldn’t understand the discreetness you need at this time. I hope I’ve helped. Stay strong! Lynn
LikeLike
Its all started then I got this shity boyfriend that when to a rehab school.He was into drugs and sex, soon I got into drugs and started to be a full time stoner and for the young age of 13 I was pretty messed up. I may be 13 but I sure act like a 16 year old slut, well at that point. I didn’t really know but this 15 year old boyfriend(who i bout is 15,because he shorter then me , Im only 5’2 and allot of people told me he wasn’t) At the time I felt like i was flying in the air and has nothing to loose. I want to be with this guy for for ever, I loved him alot. He showed be Alot and touched me in such enjoyable ways. I loved it. It hit my 3 month point and i thought letting him take my V card ant so bad. Well I knew deep inside it not the road I wanted to go on but sadly I let him, I didn’t really want to but I did. That day was great, I thought I did the right choice. But things changed, he stopped wanting to see me so much, it was like he didn’t even want to touch me. One day we didn’t even talk for 4 weeks. Were my friend told me he cheating on me again. I didn’t want to believe it but i knew it was the truth. It always happened like this. He would not talk to me for almost a week and then tell me that he cheated but this time it has been 4 weeks. Wow what did he do this time. I was so mad and hurt, i besided to end this. It was the hardest thing for me to do. I was so grossed out by the fact i let this guy f me. I called him and he picked up and said “hey”, All I didn’t was said “ew”. I couldn’t even handle hes voices. So i got my best friend to do it. I felt so low and so worthless but if i couldn’t even handle hearing his voice how could i handle breaking up with him. Now a month has gone by and Ive quit Drugs and smoking but Im still scared.
I dont think i would call my story rape but it sure feels like it. I never wanted to have sex at 13.
I dont know what to do.
I just want to get over this, I hate to think this is just the start.
Im sorry i suck at grammar and shit
I Failed English and Im 4 years be hide.
LikeLike
M. It sounds to me like this boy knew exactly what he was doing. He wanted something and knew how to persuade you into thinking you wanted it too. This was not your fault b/c you trusted him. Unless you told him you didn’t want to have sex before or during the act then not sure if it is rape since it sounded like you thought you were OK with it then and just regretted it later. I totally understand that and don’t think you are alone b/c I think that is how most young girls feel when loosing their virginity. Especially when the guy turns into an asshole after they get what they want. Unfortunately, it is part of growing up and learning to listen to your inner self to try and make the right decisions for yourself. Don’t beat yourself up b/c like I said most young girls go through this at some point. What you need to know is that this does not define you as a person. You made a mistake in trusting him but you will learn from it and this experience will help you in the future to make a better decision and hopefully see through the sweet talking guys that are out for one thing. Know that this only defines him and what an asshole he is, not you. It sounds to me like you have made good decisions in getting off the drugs and getting your head straight. Stay that way, and know that boys and drugs are not the answer at your age. You can’t change what happened so don’t sit around and worry about it. Start thinking about what you can do to make you feel better and stay on a positive track. If that means getting new friends then do so. Concentrate on school and your future and you will get through this. I promise. I hope I’ve helped. Stay strong! Lynn
LikeLike
thank you
im so close to quitting smoking
I started to smoke again after i dumped him, I think it has something to do with me being depressed, so Im gonna go to school and get happy.
😀
LikeLike
Bless this site!
I searched the web for ages after I was raped looking for a site like this an am so relived now I’ve found it!
It may sound strange but I cannot express how much of a reflief it is to hear other people experiencing the same emotional roller coaster as myself. The 1 thing that always helped me was when the nurse told me to stop thinking of it as a sexual act and as an act of control. That helped me try to get my head round it a little but its the after effects. I’m so scared when I meet new guys and I can’t get close to them without thinking about it, I suppose I need to allow myself more time to heal but I over worry as I’m 26 thinking I’m turning into an anti-man campaignist lol. I think as earlier stated I need to accept whats happened, trust it wasn’t my fault and take each day as it comes!
Much love to everyone who’s experienced or knows of someone going through the same things, WE WILL ALL GET THERE!!!!!! xXx
LikeLike
C. THANK YOU SO MUCH and I hope you’ve found something that helped. It’s unfortunate that we have to have a sisterhood like this but at least I know I have compassionate and caring sisters that can relate to the unfathomable. More importantly, that there is hope that things will and can get better.
As some personal advice about the guys, I completely understand how you feel. And I wasn’t sure about guys either b/c I was too scared that I didn’t know how to make the right decisions. Well, I finally decided to listen to my counselor at the time (b/c the first 2 x I didn’t) and when I listened it found me my wonderful husband and we have been married 5 years now. What she told me was tell the man you are interested in that you were raped, only the basics – no details. Not necessarily on the first date but if and when you think sex will happen, before then. See how he acts. If he is compassionate then you know this man is thinking of a relationship too and is willing to try and deal with it. If he isn’t thinking relationship, just sex, he will hit the road. Don’t you want to know before you have sex? All I know is it totally defined my loving husband. And I would not want to go through all those emotions with someone who could care less. I actually did (like I said twice) and it took me back many steps in recovery, which is why I finally listened to my counselor. Anyway, just thought I’d mention it. Thanks again for the kind words to ALL! Stay strong! Lynn
LikeLike
Hi i got raped a week last sunday, i had been drinkin with a friend from work he was showing me the gay scene in the smalish city i live in in scotland. I left on my own and startd to walk home, where i was approachd by a drug dealer then shortly after i spoke to a police women, i couldnt even tel her my addres. Then i must have proceeded home. My only memory was being talked to by two american men. Then i was in my room i dnt have any feelings attachd . I can remember 1 of the men grabbing the bk of my head making me.. My mind is so hazy then i jst remeber ‘that’ happening then this feeling of regaining control. I got away from him and told them to leave. I must have been crying loudly as my flatmate came and got me then they rang the police. The police made me feel like i did this then felt guilty because im in a relationship, infact that was his words, i couldnt remember anythin they made me feel like i had consentd ,and that had performd oral willingly and his words which haunt me ‘in a perfect world you would have not done that.. I kno that i would never , but that in the state i was couldnt mentaly or physicaly. All my logic knows that i was raped bt i stil have policeman stuck in my head causing me to beat myself up. I am feeling like i beytrayd my partner im afraid that i wil never gt this feelin away and feel like i dnt deserve her. I dnt kno im asking for help about. Bt i need some. How cn i stop guessing the blanks, of which ive been makin myself to b horrible.
LikeLike
L. Stop beating yourself up, for what an asshole cop? You never went out asking for this to happen to you. Drinking does not justify sexual assault. Walking home alone does not justify assault. Going to the gay scene doesn’t justify assault. Nothing does so believe it isn’t your fault and stop letting others ignorance to the situation control your emotions. You have enough to deal without letting that bother you too. The same for your partner, this didn’t happen b/c you planned it therefore it is not a betrayal. What you need to do is focus on yourself. Get a can of pepperspray or mace just to help you feel more secure and carry it always, you never know. You need to get as much good sleep as you can, it always helps your emotions not run so high and you can think clearer. If you can just believe that this wasn’t your fault, you won’t feel so ashamed, b/c you have nothing to be ashamed of. This does not define you! This is something that happened that you had no control over and were a victim of 2 horrible people that took advantage of you b/c they needed control. If you can understand that it wasn’t about you, it was about the act of controlling an action b/c most likely that was the only way they could get it. This defines them as spineless weak rapists. I would also suggest to stop trying to fill in the blanks, b/c sometimes you don’t want to know and it doesn’t matter anyway b/c the past can’t be changed, unfortunately. So concentrate on making the future better. Do you have a counselor in your town. If not try and find some some literature you can read or online help. If you have a chance to read through some of these posts, it might help. I always suggest to write out your feelings as it is an excellent way to release and it will help you sleep better. I hope I’ve helped and I’m so very sorry this happened to you. Stay strong! Lynn
LikeLike
I was raped when I was 14. Now I’m 29. When “stuff” would come up before I would put it out of my mind and go on. Ignore everything. Now I can’t. I can’t get it out of my head. I told a close friend about it a few days ago, and now it won’t stop coming in my mind. The friend suggested that I really sit down and talk about it… maybe talking in detail would help with the release of the whole thing… then she said “I don’t know tho, maybe you should talk to a therapist” I’m afraid of what is going to happen if I do that. I don’t want this old situation to rule my life. Any suggestions?
LikeLike
J.
Not sure how much you read on my site but one of the main things I say is do not keep the feelings locked up inside or ignore them. They will come out at some point and the longer you push them down inside the longer it will take for your recovery. I’m just glad you are asking for help now. And your friend is right, you need to talk about it and deal with it. The more you let out the more room you have to heal. I would either seek a counselor by going to rainn.org or calling 1-800-656-hope and they can tell you a counselor that specializes in rape in your area (if in the us). I know it won’t be pleasant to deal with but I’m sure the fact that you are constantly thinking about it and not knowing what to do isn’t pleasant either. Your friend might be able to listen and be your support but unless she has been through it won’t be able to help guide you to recovery. However if she is there for you to lean on, that in itself will help you to not feel so alone. Your friends can’t heal you, only support you. You must be willing to help yourself and take that first step. I know it sounds a lot easier to harbor your feelings and try to act like they aren’t there, but they are and it will come out and most likely at an inappropriate time in your life, like now. So bite the bullet and take care of yourself. It isn’t easy but you will feel so much better in the end and feel that you have control of your life, I promise. An excellent release for those bad times you are having is to write out your feelings. So if it is the middle of the night or your counseling appt isn’t until next week and you are having a bad day, write it out. You can take those notes to the counselor for discussion or you can rip them up, just get them out. It truly helps. Let your friend know there might be times you really need her, but the only thing you expect of her is to either listen or just be a shoulder to cry on. Tell her you don’t expect her to have the answers, just sometimes as you are going through this, you might need some company. That takes the pressure of the friend being scared she might do the wrong thing or b/c she doesn’t know how to help. Remember we weren’t wired on how to properly deal with rape, so it is OK to need help. Trust me every victim out there can use help and guidance so let the professionals help and don’t try to do it on your own. Stay strong, Lynn
LikeLike
Hi Lynn,
at the weekend my girlfriend was raped. I just want to know what i can do to make her forget it all and i dont know how i can do that, all i know is that i just want to be ther for her no matter what. The guy that dun it goes to the same college as her, and she keeps seeing him around which must be awful for her. The guy doesnt deserve to be walking around freely! I am the only person she has told about it, but i am trying to get her to let her parents know and maybe more importantly the police, but i dont want to keep pushing her to do it because it doesnt seem fair, is there anything i could maybe do or should i just leave it to her and hope she will tell them. I know it must be so hard to tell people about somthing so awful and scaring but i think it would be the best thing for her to do to start to get over it. I just dont want her to suffer alone.-
LikeLike
T.
Thanks for being there for her and trying to help. But unfortunately you can’t act like it never happened b/c this has changed her life and she will have to talk with someone at some point to deal with it, but she must do it on her own terms. If you push her she will end up pushing you away and she needs you desperately right now. My suggestion is to have her talk to her counselor at school. They must keep it confidential by law, but if this starts affecting her studies, they will understand and give her the appropriate help. This will also notify them that they have a rapist on campus. It would be good to go to the police but unless she has any evidence (clothing she was wearing and not washed or injuries) it will be hard to prosecute BUT she could at least get a restraining order on him which might help her sense of security. Also, tell her to get some pepper spray to keep with her at all times. I’m not saying he will do this again BUT sometimes when people get away with something and then it is treated like it never happened, then the attacker might think it is OK and taunt her. Or it could be the exact opposite and he knows he might get caught and will stay away completely, you just never know so she needs to get some pepper spray if she runs into him on campus. If she just buries it and doesn’t want to talk about it, it could start affecting her in different ways, from emotions running high to her relationships and even partying b/c she wants to mentally have a temporary break. But that is all it is temporary. What you can tell her is that you don’t know how to help her but that you will be there to listen to her when she wants to talk or a shoulder to cry on. Let her know you love her and that this doesn’t define her, the only person that this defines is the rapist. Tell her you will be there for her no matter what. If you see her behavior change don’t blame her just understand this is what is happening. At some point she will be willing to try and talk to someone. If she doesn’t want to talk to someone at school (even a teacher she might be close with) then give her this info, 1800-656-hope or rainn.org. This is an anonymous hotline that can give her a counselor in her area that specializes in rape and hopefully she will want to get help there. It is OK if you tell her my advice, but only tell her once and then leave it alone. But you can never tell her enough how much you love and support her. Thanks again for being there for her, you are a good boyfriend. Stay strong! Lynn
LikeLike
Hi, I am the mother of an 18-year-old daughter who I may have just discovered was raped about 2 years ago. I just moved her to college in a city about 1500 miles away last week and was cleaning out her closet and some drawers yesterday and found a letter she had written to herself dated July 4, 2006 in a drawer and an empty packet of Plan B under a bunch of stuff on one of the shelves in her closet. She does not specifically say she was raped, but writes about why she believes 2 guys were able to take advantage of her — “because I’m so tiny.” She also writes that she doesn’t think she can tell us (her parents) because we may not believe her and we “don’t love” her. It goes without saying that both of us would give up our lives for any of our 3 children. My question is — how do we handle this situation? The last thing we want to do is make her the victim twice. She is having a rough adjustment to dorm life — she was placed with a gay girl but begged me not to change the assignment because she was so happy to get the newest, nicest dorm on campus. I must tell you that discovering this answers some questions we’ve had about her behavior. She is a beautiful girl that frequently does not even attempt to comb her hair, no matter the occasion. She sleeps and naps a whole lot. She put off getting her driver’s license until she was almost 18 eventhough she had taken an excellent driving course and “graduated” from the program at 15. In otherwords, this is not someone who has probably sought counseling on her own and has healed herself. However, we are so proud of the fact that she is pursuing her college education that we don’t want to jump in and upset her life anymore than we know it already is. And it’s “the already is” that we know we somehow need to address. Can you help us with some ideas of what we can do? In looking around the internet, I’ve found statistics that 50% of rape victims attempt suicide. I can also tell you that she does not drink alcohol, use drugs and we’ve never seen any signs that she has physically tried to hurt herself, i.e. cutting. Unfortunately, we have often referred to her as our house cat because she is most often home, but like a cat, you’re not always sure where in the house she is and if she will accept attention or not. Please respond as quickly as possible.
LikeLike
J.
My opinion is there is no “healing yourself”. We can shove it deep down and not deal with it and we can run or act as if it never happened, but none of that is healing. The only way to heal is to deal with it and face it head on. And you know when someone has dealt with it, b/c they will not be ashamed to tell you b/c they will realize it is not there fault. If she has dealt with it in a positive way she won’t care if you don’t believe her b/c she will know deep down no matter what she didn’t do anything to deserve it. If she is in denial she is not healed. That being said you can’t force her to tell you, not that you are thinking that, what I mean is she must tell you on her own time. My best advice is to be there for her above and beyond what you have been. And when trying situations occur (and they will) keep this in the back of your head and treat it with kit gloves. Rape victims or survivors as I like to say will go through many emotions at various different stages. And you being that distant from her may not know many of them. So if and when she turns to you, whether it be something simple or complex, know that she needs you for many different reasons and just be there for her. I would also suggest if she has a friend that goes to her school that you are also close with and you TRUST NOT to tell her, you may confide in them with what you know and ask them to keep you informed. BUT ONLY if you know for a fact that they are or will be on the same page b/c you want to help not hinder the situation. My gut tells me that if she stayed home a lot before she went and didn’t tunr to the temporary fix of drugs and alcohol that she has a good head on her shoulders (not that she doesn’t if she does b/c that is very common) and knows that you love and protect her. And I think that whether she has told you or not if something happened to threaten her or freak her out she would turn to you. Also, it sounds like she is glad to be away and have a fresh start. Not b/c of you but b/c it sounds like it happened while she was living at home which means her attackers could be in your town (which is why she stayed home). Don’t take it personal that she didn’t tell you, as you can see from a lot of the posts here, that is a common feeling b/c a lot of victims blame themselves for putting their self in sticky situations, when the bottom line is there is no excuse for rape. But we all say shoulda, coulda, woulda and think we could have prevented it if….. And unfortunately more people are too quick to judge and say well why? or you what were you thinking….. or aren’t you smarter than that… Instead of blaming the person that should totally be blamed, the rapist. The second thing is none of us are mentally equipped to deal with rape on our own, we are not wired that way which is why I know whe can not heal herself. If you happen to know a friend of hers that you totally trust, try to get them to suggest her going to a counselor at school (that way if it does start to affect her grades they will understand as will you). if and when it does come out either with you or her friend I suggest finding a counselor who specializes in rape through 1-800-656-hope or rainn.org to find one in her area. Bottom line be there for her and give her all the love and emotional support she needs and hopefully she will eventually open up to you and herself. In the meantime, be aware of her situation and her stability, academically and emotionally and it will all work out. It sounds like she is a strong individual that doesn’t want to burden you b/c she doesn’t want to hurt you or make you “not proud of her”. So let her know you love her and are there for her unconditionally. Remember you can’t heal her just support and love her, no matter what and make sure if she does open up that you let her know this doesn’t define her or her future. Stay strong! Lynn
LikeLike
Thank you so much fo responding so quickly. It’s an awful discovery for a parent, knowing what pain your child has suffered and the weight of the burden they are carrying. I have been thinking about the college friend you suggest I might confide in. The person I think would be there to help/support her, is a guy. It seems that could be a problem? Otherwise, the girl that I know from our neighborhood who is also at this college and they’ve been friends since 3rd grade, could fall apart and tell her Mom. And while I care for her Mom, she keeps no secrets. What do you think? In the meantime, it’s “love you always and no matter what.”
LikeLike
J.
Whatever you do don’t talk to anyone who can’t keep everything confidential b/c then if your daughter finds out she will feel like you betrayed her even when you were trying to help, so I wouldn’t tell her girlfriend. It really doesn’t matter if it is a guy or girl, just as long as the realize the importance of confidentiality for your daughters sake. Also, most people don’t know how to handle it so if you do decide to confide in someone (her guy friend) let them know that you don’t expect them to do anything other than be there for her if she needs him and to let you know if there is anything suspicious going on that you need to be aware of. I hate saying it like that b/c it sounds like spying and that is not my intention. It just means if he sees her going down a slippery slope and looks like she needs help to let you know, not watching her every move. And he doesn’t need to report back to you everyday or anything just if he feels she is going through something that she might not be able to handle or something completely out of character, you know? Hopefully he will be caring enough to understand the situation and want to help without confronting her. Explain how delicate it is and that you know she will need someone at some point and since you can’t be there with her that you trust him and how important it is for her to open up to him (if she does) and not the other way around. Stay strong! Lynn
LikeLike
Ok, so I have read alot of your entries and admit I haven’t read them all…. I feel like I am in a different situation. I was (I think ) raped on Wendsday. I say ithink because he and I had talked about having sex and had an understanding that there are things that I would and wouldn’t do. We starting messing around in ended up having regular intercoarse which I was fine with. Then he bent me over and I thought it was just going to continue regualr and he just shoved it in my rear. Immediately my mood change, tone changed …. I was screaming and hitting him and he woudln’t stop. I aalready told him I don’t do that NEVER do that. I repeatedly screamed no non no and he just overpowered me. Ihave not gone to the police yet… and don’t feel like I really have that right because I was ok with everything else that happened. I was just awwww struck when he told me he thought I was playing with me…sreaming and digging my nails in him… how couldthat be considered playing …. I really just need some clarification here because I can’t stop shaking or crying and I really feel like I am to blame even though I said no. I’m just so lost because my story is not so black and white.
And is there somewhere I can go that is free to talk to someone ?
LikeLike