If you’re feeling lost and looking for some inspiration or would like to talk with someone that will not pass judgment on you, please feel free to contact me by leaving a comment at the end of this post. Posts are kept anonymous. Definitely take a minute to check out all the content. Is your rape controlling you? Well this website is to help YOU GET BACK IN CONTROL. It is to offer anonymous, encouraging ideas which can hopefully help rape survivors deal with their emotions, which is a necessary process in order to start the healing process. I thought as a survivor, with a year of personal counseling under my belt, and currently a rape counselor (my purpose in life now) why not share what I’ve learned with those in need. I know as a survivor the variety of mixed emotions, that can seem almost impossible to deal with at times, that affect you in your everyday life. As a counselor for 5 years I’ve also been exposed to a lot of different situations and types of rape. Please know you are not alone and you don’t have to be!.
- Comment
- Reblog
-
Subscribe
Subscribed
Already have a WordPress.com account? Log in now.
Dealing with Rape 
Am i being stupid because it was 7 yrs ago now. I never use that word nor did i speak about what happened untill 2yrs ago. It was my at the time boyfriend and his mate who threatened me with a knife, i remember i deffinatly said no a number of times and cried. I dont no if i was drugged or just choose not to remember but bits are missing from my memory and last thing i remember is being covered in blood and being put in the bath. After that i went numb didn’t tell anyone, i tried drugs for a while and turned heavily on the alcohol. My current boyfriend noticed something wasn’t right and so thats when i spoke about it. I dealt with it for 5yrs on my own i tried councilling but didn’t seem to help. I feel like my family will think im dragging this on but i’m having terrible mood swings i cry a lot and am full of anger, i still have nightmares and i don’t mention what happened anymore because people tell me to just forget it and stop thinking about it. Thing is i can’t think about it its like my mind has blocked it out, should i be over it by now ???
LikeLike
D. Unfortunately rape stays with us forever, meaning it forever changes our lives. That being said IF we learn how to deal with it through counseling then we learn that it doesn’t define us and that we can be happy again. People want you to forget about it because they don’t want to talk about it, and are being selfish whether they know it or not. If only it was as easy as forgetting. We never forget we just learn how to deal the right way, not through drugs or alcohol. So your question whether or not you should be over it is not until you get the professional help you need. What the proper counseling will do for you is teach you to talk about it and by doing that you will eventually let it go by realizing that you can’t change the past only the future. Therefore if the only control you have is your future you take the steps to make it better by letting go of the past. You will get your head straight and realize that the assholes that did this to you don’t deserve to control another day of your life. You will realize that you are alive instead of possibly dead since it sounds like you could of ended up that way. You will understand that you do have a life left and you want to make the most of it. But this doesn’t just come, you need help, the right help and if you didn’t have luck with one counselor then get another until it does start to work. Don’t give up on yourself or your life. And the people that tell you hold it in and don’t talk about it are the people you need to distance yourself from, for now unitl you get your head straight. The more you let out the more room you have to heal. So find that person that will let you talk and/or cry and support you the way you need and stop listening to the selfish ones. Stay strong! Lynn
LikeLike
it happened about 2 years ago i was on vacation with another friend i was in my early 20s . we went out to a few partys and had some drinks i never really drink that much and i found my self drunk i met a guy out we where just talking and he followed us back to my hotel room and he took advantage of me while my friend slept in the next bed i remember telling him to stop and he just slammed my head on the pillow and i blacked out . i remember waking up and blood every where and now thats how i lost my virginity , the feeling i felt was so awful. about 10 mins after waking up i here a knock at the door and it was him and just saw me crying and just ran away. so i feel like i deserve this when my friend woke up she was not supportive she act like it was nothing . i feel so affected i cant have a healthy relationship i dont have may positive male relationships in my life. i feel so lost like i deserved it because of the circumstatnces i should have never drank that much .
LikeLike
M. You need to believe that it wasn’t your fault! Drinking too much is not ideal but that doesn’t mean you deserved to be raped, so know that. I’m sorry your friend did not support you, people don’t always act the way we hope they would. You need to get counseling to help with trusting men again as well as friends. You can go to rainn.org or even try calling your local crisis center to find counseling near you. You might want to think of self defense classes too. Stay strong! Lynn
LikeLike
Don’t really know what I’m expecting 2 get from this site, guess I just don’t know what 2 do anymore. I’m having yet another sleepless night, too scared to go to sleep, mind is running away. I’m feeling so alone, during the day I can keep a straight face but at night I’m right back at the place where I’m that scared,hurt girl hiding from them. I’m 19 and I got out of that situation…or let me say kinda got out of that situation but still don’t know how 2 deal with everything and still haven’t got the guts to do something about it but I’m scaring myself…. I’m blacking out, getting nightmares, waking up crying, freaking out…
LikeLike
I’ve been dating this guy off an on for the last two years. I haven’t ever really wanted to have sex because I believe you should wait till your married, but we would mess around sometimes. Lately, however, he has been forcing me to have sex with him. I always tell him no repeatedly and to please stop and to not make me do this but he still does it. He always asks for forgiveness and tells me he won’t do it again and he’ll try to control himself, so I always forgive him. He goes weeks even months without forcing me and then the next thing I know he’s holding me down again. I love him and I want to be with him, but I hate when he hurts me. I don’t know what to do and I have never told anyone about this because I don’t want to be told I’m stupid for still being with him. Please help me! -confused
LikeLike
I was raped 12(i was 15) years ago and thought i would never see the guy again..me and my husband had date night with some friends and we went to the bar afterwards, my husband went to the bathroom and i got a tap on my shoulder i turned around and there he was , my ghost from my past i locked up deep down inside(only a few people know), and out of his mouth was..hey u remember me. at that moment i was speechless and completly broke down ran out the bar and couldnt stop crying. my husband came out and asked me 21 questions, i didnt know what he was wearing i left the second i knew who he was…my husband still talks about(it was 2 months ago) like i wasprotecting the guy, i found out that day that my husband was also raped by family, and he told me i am being childish, stupid and i need to face my fear…i am so hurt by it..now almost evry night i have night mares..dont know what to do when my own husband is not understanding about this.
LikeLike
J. Remember that everyone deals with rape differently and you might want to remind your husband of that too. the other thing to remember is that no one truly gets through it without professional counseling. Your feelings are perfectly normal, rightly so and if your husband isn’t supporting you then you need to get into counseling immediately so you can get the support you need. And another thing, since this guy is still around you might want to take some self defense classes to give you back your sense of security. Stay strong! Lynn
LikeLike
i was raped on halloween and on nov 16th… ive been wanting to kill myself ately and im etremely depressed right now im in a mental hospital.. and im getting care fr myself cause i am very very very scared togo bak home cuse im only 15 years old and the guylives right by me. can u help me?? please
LikeLike
J. It sounds like you are where you need to be and I’m sure they can give you the help that you need if you are totally honest with them about the rape. Professional help is what you need and it sounds like you are. And if you have told them about the rape then the authorities should be able to help with your security since he lives close. When you get out of the hospital I would definitely take a self defense class which will help you protect yourself as well as help with your confidence. Good luck! Stay strong! Lynn
LikeLike
Feel so stupid for been on here because of what people have been through, because i feel like its my fault i dont no what to do. I split up from my boyfrend on friday and thaught it would be a good idea to go out and get drunk, i ended up at a mates mates house after them stealing my phone and money i didnt want to leave till i got back i passed out on the sofa i woke up to find some one on top of me i dont no what happend befor if anything did i told him to get off me and i have a boyfrend but he carried on and now i dont no how to tell my boyfrend because he wont speak to me.. is this my fault because i no i shouldnt of gone ?
LikeLike
K. It’s never your fault when someone rapes you, not because you are drunk, not because you fell asleep, not because you stayed at a friends house. So this is definitely NOT your fault. I don’t think telling your boyfriend is necessarily the right thing to do right now because if he isn’t speaking to you I don’t think you will get the support you are looking for. Do you have a close friend that you can 100% trust that you know won’t judge you? If so go to that person for support. Have you thought about going to the police? If so make sure to not wash any clothes you had on that night for evidence. Do you have a crisis center you can call to get rape counseling? If not you can go to rainn.org and try and find the nearest counselor to you, they are worldwide. But if you have a friend you can turn to just ask them to be there for support because you will be going through a lot, but at the same time you need to understand all they can really do is be a should to cry on or an ear to listen or a warm body to sleep next to if you are having anxiety. BUT they can’t help you mentally recover, that is something you have to do on your own. And that means your boyfriend can’t do it either. I think because your situation is so volatile right now that his response will only make things worse for you. But if you can get the counseling that you NEED, then they can also help with you handle your boyfriend situation as well. Stay Strong! Lynn
LikeLike
I was raped by a guy I met at a bar back in 1999. The only person I have told is my boyfriend of 4 years. He was somewhat supportive telling me it wasent my fault, but is not very comforting. All I remember was I was very drunk and went back to his house with him, I had no intention of doing anything other than hanging out, but apparantly he had more in mind. I feel like it was my fault cause I went back with him, almost like it was expected of me. I immediately dove into drugs and alcohol for several years to maks my pain, and now that I have chuldren of my own I do not want to go that route. I dont kn ow how to deal with it. I have been having nightmares about men trying to rape me all week, and have had a very hardt ime dealing with it. More anxiety and stress than I have even dealt with sober.
LikeLike
K. You need professional counseling. You can call your local crisis center or go through your ins or go to rainn.org and find the nearest counselor that specializes in rape. But you absolutely need professional help. think about it all this time you’ve kept it bottled up and it is literally just festering inside you trying to get out. he more you let out the more room you have to heal. It’s like a shadow you can never out run it. You have to face it head on and only then can you get your head straight and move forward instead of idling or going backwards. In the meantime of getting counseling if you are having nightmares, try writing before bed to release your thoughts and emotions. It won’t happen over night but if you do this every night it will help. Same thing if you have triggers, write it out, what you were doing at the time and you can even take that to the counselor to help determine triggers. Hope that helps. Stay strong! Lynn
LikeLike
Hi there. I don’t really know how to say this, or start this…I was raped by a boyfriend 4 years ago now. I thought I was getting past it, but lately it’s been all I can think about. I’ve been crying a lot lately and breaking down. When he raped me, it was my very first time…and I feel like he took my most precious gift from me. I know I’m not supposed to feel this way, but I’ve never been able to shake the feeling of being “dirty”. I’m not very good at all at dealing with this, or talking about it even. I was going to go to a councellor but I have trouble even saying the word out loud, I feel like if I say it I’m breathing life into it and I break down every time. What can I do to open up and talk about this? I just want to feel better.
LikeLike
A. You are breathing life into it every day that goes by that you aren’t seeing a counselor because it is just festering inside you waiting to get out. My suggestion is first to start writing. Everytime you get upset or have a trigger write it out and then take what you have written to the counselor. Not only will this help the counselor know your state of mind but will also help determine triggers. Remember the more you let out the more room you have to heal. Stay strong! Lynn
LikeLike
I found this website after confiding in my friend what had happened to me seven months ago and he said that I may find it easier to deal with if I was talking to people who had been through the same kind of thing. I was drugged and raped at university in January and didn’t start to remember what happened to me until mid way through March. I’ve been finding it hard to deal with ever since and couldn’t really process what had happened. Since it happened I feel like it has been eating away at me and, although telling my friend felt like an huge release, I still find myself having nightmares and being unable to think of anything else for hours on end! Hearing some of the other stories on here has really made me feel like I can overcome it but I just don’t know how I should do this. I just don’t want to feel so alone anymore!
LikeLike
T. If you read the other stories you will know that every person that has been through rape needs professional counseling. Your friend is right that it would help to know and/or talk to others that have been through it which is why group counseling if a very viable option. Most are hesitant at first but I would say 85% of the people that go through with it have life long friends and feel like they are not an outcast to society and ultimately lean on each other to have a more improved life. You can reach out to your local crisis center to inquire about ind or group counseling or you can go to rainn.org and try and find the nearest counselor to you. Remember the more you let out the more room you have to heal so don’t be scared to open up, BUT better to open up to a professional that knows how to help or someone thats been through it. Others really don’t know how to deal and all they can do is support and be your rock, so don’t expect them to have the answers, go to the ones that do. Stay strong! Lynn
LikeLike
My partner of 9 years was raped as a child by his father several times recently he confronted him and has decided to distance himself from the family but they are now attacking him and me for a lack of communication not knowing he was raped. We are now struggling as I feel he is still being manipulated and abused by his father in a mental way sending him messages to call his mum and tell her he loves her ect . When I confront him about this he says his not protecting his dad but the rest of the family, he will not go to councelling and I am worried about my own children’s safety in the future and if his other siblings may be victims as well . I don’t know what to do he feels as if he tells them and the family breaks up it willbe his fault I have tried supporting him and telling him it would not be and that he can’t control the feelings of others. What do I do now ?? I want to tell his family but don’t want to break his trust
LikeLike
CC. It is not your right to tell his family, please don’t do that because if you break his trust he will not have anyone to turn to and it will ultimately hurt your relationship. He needs counseling and that is the only thing that is gonna get him through this BUT you can’t make him go. He has to go on his own. You are correct by telling him he can’t worry about what others do but that is a lot easier said than done. He needs to take care of himself first and through counseling he will be able to determine how and if going to his family would be beneficial or not and how to approach it if he does. He has to mentally get his head straight before he does that because you never know the reaction that it will cause and he has to be able to deal with whatever reaction comes and until his head is straight it could be more detrimental to him. This is a severe case and happened at his most impressionable years and will continue to control his life until he gets counseling. So it really is about if he wants to control his future and own destiny and work towards a positive and happy future or if he is gonna let this continue to control his future like it has all this time. maybe put it to him that way. Stay strong! Lynn
LikeLike
Hi, i’m 20 years old and i was raped when i was 15. initially i was in a numbed kind of shock, everthing involving the incident was just, surreal. I was drugged and so I didnt remember what had happened, not for a long time. When pieces of it started coming back to me i did go to a therapist but that turned into me talking about everthing that was going on in my life right at that time. Anyway, for the past 5 years I haven’t been able to handle relationships well and only one meant anything to me. I’m 20 now and I really want to be in a respectful trusting relationship but this is the problem, which I’vejust become aware of because I’m becoming romantically involved and it brings a lot of stuff back. I’ve had sex with several guys and none of them really were pushing me, it was more i was pushing them even though i didnt really want it, which doesnt sound like it makes sense but it was like some kind of unconcious impulse. Afterwards, I would leave disgusted with myself hating myself a little bit more every time. I think that what this is, is my subconcious trying to reinvent the night i was assaulted, because I don’t remember it in entirety. It’s like im getting subconcious revenge by hating the people i had sex with or something. But i hate it i hate it i hate it, and i don’t know what to do. I don’t know if ill ever have a normal sex life again because i cant have sex without it inevitably leading to self-disgust and repulsion for the guys ive slept with. I just don’t know what to do and I feel more lost then ever, wondering if ill ever be normal again.
LikeLike
A. My opinion of what you are doing is completely different than what you think. I could be wrong but I think you are subconsciously trying to prove to yourself that you are in control by pushing to have sex. It is so very common because we think if we push ourselves through sex that we are proving that we can do it and we aren’t going to let the rape take that away from us. Unfortunately we find out that it doesn’t make us feel better because it was just sex when in fact what we really want deep down is a good relationship that we can make love in and feel like the sex has a purpose and we feel loved by it. Does that make sense? I’m proof of it because I did the same thing and this is what counseling helped me determine. So get yourself some professional counseling if you want to work through this because the longer you take the longer it will take to heal. You will have a normal sex life & relationship again if you get the proper professional counseling. Stay strong! Lynn
LikeLike
I’m 18 now, and he’s been dead for 2 years. I almost feel happy that he’s gone because of the negative impacts he held on my life. He was my father, and it happened to me when he was intoxicated and I was 6; 12 years ago. I don’t really remember much of it, but the overwhelming feeling of knowing I never told anyone is almost painful. He killed himself while he was drunk. It only happened once, but I could never look at that man with genuine happiness ever again. How could someone do something like that to their own child? It baffles me still, that when he was sober, he was the most wonderful man to my mother, brother and me, and when he drank, he was a monster and abusive. I am one of his two sons. He never went near my older brother. I feel disgusting knowing I came from him, and it never really occurred to me or crossed my mind until I was asked about my virginity two months ago… 12 years is a bit late to file a rape charge- especially against a man who is now deceased. I don’t feel ready to talk to my mom about it, even though we left him when I was 10, she still loved him for a time. Would going to her, really be a problem?
LikeLike
Darc, I don’t know if you will get the response you want or need from telling your mother to be honest. What you need is professional counseling and then through that the counselor can help determine the best way to talk to your mom and what you expect from it and how to deal with it if you dont get what you want. But this is something that has eaten you insdie during your most impressionable years and you must seek professional help. Try calling your local crisis center or go to rainn.org to find the nearest counselor that specializes in rape near you. Both are 100% confidential as well as work with you financially since you are a minor. But let me just say that your feelings are validated & if you don’t get help it will continue to dictate your life and eat you up inside. You didn’t deserve this and I want you to have a happy life going forward and not stuck in the past so please take care of yourself and get the counseling you need. You are worth it! Stay strong! Lynn
LikeLike
I was raped at the end of May of this year, I went straight to the police and within hours and they arrested the offender. Having had such a positive start to the investigation, I felt in control of the situation. Today, I was told that the case will not be taken any further; this has shattered my feeling of control and am now encountering an entirely new dimension to my emotions in regards to the incident. I wondered if anyone could offer any advice or though that could help me deal with things from this point?
Also, I am struggling to communicate with counsellors. I want to be able to discuss my feelings and work to tackle them, but I cannot engage in the sessions. Does anyone feel that they have been through this too, and would anyone be able to offer advice?
LikeLike
E. I’m sorry that they aren’t going to pursue any further that really sucks! There is some good news though and I suggest that you focus on that so you don’t make yourself crazy. By going to the police and getting as far as you did, he is now in the system. The reason this is good is because you have most likely stopped him from doing this again to anyone else. I know that doesn’t necessarily help you but you did do a good thing and hopefully stopped this asshole. Remember you still have control though, you have control over what you do. A few suggestions to try and help. #1) as far as counseling try writing out your feelings and taking what you have written to the counselor. Especially write out your feelings if something triggers you or when you are feeling bad, that way the counselor can help determine the triggers and give you specific advice on how to deal with them. If you are having trouble sleeping, try writing every night before you go to bed as a mental release. But don’t give up on the counseling because it is absolutely necessary to help you move on from the past and take good control of your future. Remember the past can’t be changed but you absolutely have control over your future. #2) consider taking a self defense class. This not only helps you physically but mentally as well. Unfortunately this happens a lot but don’t think you went through it all for nothing. What you did was very brave and it shows what a strong person you are. So no matter how hard it is remember what you went through already was harder and you got through that so don’t give up because you and your future are worth it. Stay strong! Lynn
LikeLike
I been dealing with my rape with drugs and drinking i know i need the help but everytime i try to go get the help that i need i always feel like the rape isnt a big issue and im over reacting and i feel like im weak because i cant deal with it on my own so i just try to forget about it but the more i just ignore it My anxiety gets worst by the years and im just messing up my life by not getting help i need help i dont know how to convince myself to go get help me……………………..
LikeLike
Help09, the fact that you are here asking is proof you are ready. Let me assure you that it is so worth it and you will not only heal quicker but your life will be so much better. I’m not gonna lie and say it isn’t hard but it’s not harder than what you’ve been through so now is the time. Also you need to know the more you let out the more room you have to heal. And that you can”t run from your shadow. Until you learn how to deal with rape by a professional counselor it is like your shadow always with you. You need to believe that you and your life is worth it and just face it and put the effort in because you deserve it. Another thing that might help you get into counseling is that everyday that you don’t get the help you need is another day that you are letting it control your life. Don’t let this control your life take it back, because after all it is yours. Stay strong! Lynn
LikeLike
i need help getting rid of my feelingz of being raped. I feel like i have this empty feeling inside of me that had to deal with the fact that i lost my virginity by force. I need to feel like this was not my fault and i need help trying to lift my friends spirits off the ground. The feel like it is thier fault and that they had noting to do when it happened.
LikeLike
I don’t really know how to do this. I was raped about 9 months ago by my ex-boyfriend. He broke into my house and hid until I got home. I have only told my best friend and we are both 17 we don’t know how to handle this. About a month after I found out I was pregnant, and I hid that from everyone. My best friend started asking questions, so I let her in eventually, but she thought I needed to tell an adult. About 2 months later I lost my grandmother, and the next week I had a miscarriage. It has just been really hard dealing with everything all at once. I tried to kill myself at one point. I stopped eating all together. Things have gotten a little better since then, but I still don’t go in my room where i was attacked. I’m not anything like the person I use to be. I’m very scared all the time. I don’t know what to do anymore.
LikeLike
AE, I’m so very sorry you have had to take all this on, but you are not alone and there are ways to work through this. #1, get counseling from a professional. Call your local crisis center for help or go to rainn..org and find the nearest counselor to you. You aren’t dealing well because we are not hard wired on how to deal which is why you need a professional’s help. Your friend only knows how to listen or lend a shoulder to cry on but you need to learn ways to cope and get you out of this depression. It’s not easy but it is easier than what you have been through I can promise you that. I know you don’t want to talk about it but do you want it to haunt you for the rest of your life? I don’t think so. You and your life are worth the time and effort to get yourself better and the longer you wait the more he has control of you and I know you don’t want that. In the meantime you need to protect yourself from him. Not sure where he is right now but have you thought of taking self defense classes? This will not only help with your sense of security but also your confidence level. If the only person you told was your friend I’m worried that he thinks he got away with it. So please be very careful, stay as far away as possible, get the proper counseling and take a self defense class. I promise if you go through these steps you will be on the path to a better and brighter future that you deserve. Stay strong! Lynn
LikeLike
D. Unfortunately rape stays with us forever, meaning it forever changes our lives. That being said IF we learn how to deal with it through counseling then we learn that it doesn’t define us and that we can be happy again. People want you to forget about it because they don’t want to talk about it, and are being selfish whether they know it or not. If only it was as easy as forgetting. We never forget we just learn how to deal the right way, not through drugs or alcohol. So your question whether or not you should be over it is not until you get the professional help you need. What the proper counseling will do for you is teach you to talk about it and by doing that you will eventually let it go by realizing that you can’t change the past only the future. Therefore if the only control you have is your future you take the steps to make it better by letting go of the past. You will get your head straight and realize that the assholes that did this to you don’t deserve to control another day of your life. You will realize that you are alive instead of possibly dead since it sounds like you could of ended up that way. You will understand that you do have a life left and you want to make the most of it. But this doesn’t just come, you need help, the right help and if you didn’t have luck with one counselor then get another until it does start to work. Don’t give up on yourself or your life. And the people that tell you hold it in and don’t talk about it are the people you need to distance yourself from, for now unitl you get your head straight. The more you let out the more room you have to heal. So find that person that will let you talk and/or cry and support you the way you need and stop listening to the selfish ones. Stay strong! Lynn
+1
LikeLike
This morning at 4:45am I was raped by someone I thought I was close with, he was drunk. I told him to stop over and over again but he wouldn’t. He is friends with my husband and I’m friends with his girl-friend. I went over to his friends house with him because he said he had to tell me something that I should know about my husband, after him telling me he started touching me, I told him to stop over and over again pushed him away and tried to leave. He stood in front of the door and would not let me leave. He started pushing my arms down when I would try to get him to stop. He kept saying “Please” then he grabbed me by my jacket and said I love you now don’t do this. I kept begging him to stop. He wouldn’t I knew if I fought back he would hurt me. I said Okay, just to get it over with and so he would not hurt me.. After he was done he would not let me get up. I waited til he fell asleep and i left. I came home and took a shower for over a hour. I feel so dirty…Maybe I should have fought him back. I shouldnt have even went alone, I just wanted to know about my husband…. I can’t tell anybody because I’m scared they will not believe me they will be pissed I even went over there. Help me please, I just keep hearing the things he said to me over and over again..I just need someone to talk to.
LikeLike
HG: If you don’t tell someone they won’t believe you. You are going to need help and support and it will make you look bad if you don’t say something. I would start with the cops because of the situation that you know him and he knows you and you’re husband. Just put yourself in your husbands shoes. You didn’t do anything wrong because you went with him. You trusted him, he is the one that did something wrong NOT you. If you were your husband and he was you and didn’t tell you or the cops what would you think? I would start with the cops to prove to the guy that did this to you that he is not in control of you and he can not get away with this. I would also tell my husband because that is not something you can or should keep from him. You see rape is about control not you. And if you don’t tell someone I’m worried that he will think he can get away with it and try again because he will feel like he has control over the situation. It won’t be easy but it will be a lot better if he knows this is unacceptable and you will feel better because you are getting the help (counseling) and support you will need to get through this. Also, stay far far away from this guy. Take a self defense class, carry pepper spray or a stun gun. Call your local crisis center or go to rainn.org and get some professional counseling. Even if you start with that and then they can help you tell your husband, but you need to tell him and preferably the police. Save any clothes you had on that night if you do decide to tell them. Stay strong! Lynn
LikeLike
hey , iv never been on this sight before i was raped 2 weeks ago by a close friend and phoned the police with the help of my friends and he was caught bt now the police say they cant do anything else and feels like they dnt believe me i feel like crap cant sleep eat and just wanna cry iv been to my gp 3 times since i got one course of sleeping tablets but they didnt work now hes sending me to a psyic nurse and im awaiting counselling from my local support and rape crisis but i feel alone and like its my fault please help 😦 i dont know what else to do.. iv been off work for 3 weeks bt just got signed off another 4 .
LikeLike
M. First of all the first step to recovery is truly believing that it’s not your fault, and I promise you it isn’t. You did the right thing but it is difficult to prove rape through the law but that doesn’t mean you are at fault or that he didn’t do it. Even if the can’t prosecute him at least he is on their radar now and will think twice about doing this to someone else or messing with you again. So I know it’s not fair and it’s not helping that he gets away with it but you can’t focus on what you can’t change. Focus on the fact that you stood up for yourself and showed him that this is unacceptable. You are very strong and I can tell because you have already put into action the correct steps. You reported it, you’ve been to your doctor, you are signed up for counseling. You have done in 2 weeks what most never do. If it is taking to long to get into counseling try rainn.org and find the nearest counselor to you and see if they can get you in any quicker since you are ready to go and you know you need the support. Have you asked your doctor for any anxiety medicine or has he tested you for PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder)? If not ask. In the meantime, some things you can do immediately is #1) try writing out your feelings about an hour before bed as a mental releasse to try and help you sleep better. It doesn’t matter what they are just get your thoughts out of your head and onto paper. I would also recommend doing this if something triggers you and then you can address them with the counselor so they can give you specific advice on how to handle what triggers you. #2) Try doing yoga, preferably at home right before bed after you’ve written out your thoughts for the day to relax you and promote good sleep. I would also try it in the morning to calm keep you calm through the day. Do you have a friend that you can call 24/7 that can be there for you if you are feeling scared or lonely? Let them know that you are trying to go through the proper steps and that you would like them to be there for you. That being said let them know you don’t expect anything from them other than a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen or just company. By telling them this they won’t feel so helpless. When friends or family start to feel helpless they usually back away, so let them know that is all you need. You might want to consider taking a self defense class to help with your sense of security and confidence. You are a lot stronger than you think. Remember that you can’t focus and put your energy into the things you can’t change, which is the past. So stay focused on what you can do to help yourself and go from there. Because being upset about what people think or what you could have done different isn’t going to change anything so why do it. Put all that energy into your future that you have control of, take back your life. Lastly, remember that the rape doesn’t define you, it only defines the person that did this to you as a rapist and no matter what you did there is no excuse or reason for rape, therefore you are not at fault! Stay strong! Lynn
LikeLike
i hope this doesn’t bother anyone seeing as i’m not the one who was raped, but i found out my girlfriend that i have been dating for a few months was raped three years ago in college. she told me a few weeks ago and ever since i have not been able to get the image of her being abused out of my head. It has been tearing me up because i absolutely adore her. I’m pretty sure this prick was violent with her and i feel so terrible because she is the sweetest girl i have ever met. I want to talk to her about it because it has gotten to the point that this is the first thing i think about when i wake up and the last thing i think about when i go to bed, but i don’t think that’s fair to her. I don’t want to make her go back to that night because it seems like she has come a long way since it happened and the last thing i want to do is upset her. I just can’t wrap my head around something so horrifying happening to someone. Another problem is i don’t get to see her a lot because she lives pretty far away, so i think about her all the time, but lately i can only think of her being mistreated by some jackass. Also she just got a new job so i don’t want to throw this on her on top of everything else she has going on. I feel like the only way i’m going to feel better is if i find this guy and annihilate him. The worst part is that nothing ever happened to this guy, and i feel so so bad for her and anyone else that has gone through something like this. I don’t know if i should talk to her about this or deal with it on my own.
LikeLike
K. As much as I know this bothers you you can not bring this up to her. Nor can you do anything to the guy which would ultimately make things worse for the two of you. What you can do is be there when and IF she wants to talk and listen, no judging & no questions just listen. The fact that she opened up to you means she feels safe with you and you don’t want to ruin that by pressuring her or questioning her or even acting like it is on your mind when you are with her. Just be her rock and try and put the past that can not be changed in the past. You can’t control the past only the future so focus on that. Stay strong! Lynn
LikeLike
A friend I had previously worked with came home with me one night after a night of drinking. I allowed him to stay in my bed, because I thought we were such good friends and I thought I had feelings for him. We started kissing and one thing lead to another. He knew I was a virgin and thought things felt ok, but as soon as he was on top of me I knew I didn’t want it and told him to stop, but he didn’t. He held me down and kept going and then tried to pull me to him after, because he thought “it was great” and “wanted to cuddle.” I was disgusted and hurt, but mainly at myself because I couldn’t stop him and had given him the wrong idea by letting him stay in my room. I tried really hard to come to terms with it and that we could still be friends, but all I can think about is him on top of me, holding me down. I’ve cut him out of my life, but the damage is done and no one really understands. I feel like it’s my fault. I tried talking to friends, but they think I’m just exaggerating and upset that things didn’t work out between us, which hurts because there was nothing between us, just that one night and I can’t keep acting like everything’s fine and pasting a smile on my face. I just want to tell people what really happened, but it’s hard when he told our friends that we just has sex, when he’s not telling the truth about what really happened and I feel like I can’t talk about it
LikeLike
EA I think you need to talk to someone other than your so called “friends”. Obviously they aren’t acting like friends so stop worrying about what they think. You need to concentrate on how you feel and going through the steps to feel better. Number one is knowing it wasn’t your fault. Lots of girls lay in bed with boys and things start to get hot and heavy and they say no and a GOOD person follows your lead especially knowing you are a virgin. So put the blame where it belongs on the jerk that did this too you. Secondly, you need to get professional help from a counselor that will be on your side and give you actual ways to cope and deal with specific triggers. You can go to your local crisis center or go to rainn.org and find the nearest counselor to you that deals with rape. And know that everyone that goes through rape needs counseling and the longer you take to get it means the longer you have lived in the past and let a healthy future go by. Once you get your head on straight then it will be easy to deal with others, not let it get to you and most importantly move from the past and look towards a brighter future. So go tell someone, someone that can help and cares, a counselor. You deserve it. Stay strong! Lynn
LikeLike
This last January my then-boyfriend of five years went to study abroad. While he was there he cheated on me. While this happened, I was diagnosed with an STD. I was a virgin before him and had never been with anyone else. He said it was the same way for him. Obviously he lied. He came home for a weekend and I confronted him with these things. After a whole night of crying and yelling he told me he still loved me, and how me missed me, and that it had been so long since we were together. I kept saying no, but he just held me down as I sobbed. It wasn’t too violent, it didn’t last long enough to be, but later I was watching my blood go down the drain as I washed myself. And felt disgusted at myself.
For the longest time I felt like I let it happen, that it was my fault, that it doesn’t even count as rape because technically he was still my boyfriend at the time. I didn’t see him over the Summer and was happy and tranquil. But now I have to see him almost every day since we go to the same college. Not only that but my friends, who know what he did, are friendly with him in my presence. They tell me it’s been long enough for me to get over it. Today I told my mother and she didn’t believe it wasn’t consensual on my part because, again, he was my boyfriend at the time and I had feelings for him.
Everyday is a constant struggle. I walk my college corridors with fear of crossing him. I hate that I have to see him, sit in class with him, hear his voice and watch him pull my friends away from me. I can’t concentrate on my work. At least I stopped hating my body over what he did, but I still feel ruined. I’m afraid I’ll never be able to trust anyone again or have a happy relationship in the future. I can’t get a counselor. I still live with my parents so it would be impossible to do it in secret for various reasons, and I can’t do it openly because I can’t tell my father. Telling my usually understanding, supportive mother didn’t go as I planned either. What can I do?
LikeLike
T. What your friends and mother obviously don’t know is that over 50% of rapes are done by people we know and/or trust. They are the ones that think they can get away with it and no one will believe you, which is what happened here. Rape is about control, not you as a person. And he knew what he was doing. I’m not understanding why you feel you can’t get a counselor, because that is the #1 thing you must do to take care of yourself and the longer you go without it the longer he is going to have control. You need to stand up for yourself and take care of yourself no matter what anyone else thinks. If you have a local crisis center you can ask them if they have counseling or can refer you. Or there is always rainn.org and you can go there and find the nearest counselor to you that specializes in rape. If you want a better future for yourself and relationships counseling will get you there. Some other things you can do is take a self defense class which will help with your sense of security as well as your confidence level, especially since you see him all the time. Have you thought about talking to a school counselor? A lot of colleges have some type of support for rape victims and at the very least if your grades are being affected they will typically work with you and can maybe put you in classes completely away from him. Another thing is maybe get some pepper spray or a stun gun just to help you feel better. And as far as your friends, are they really your friends if they don’t support you and stay friends with him? I think not. I don’t think I’d worry about them too much because they aren’t the kind of friends I would want. Once you get into counseling and get your head straight then you will be able to deal with all the doubters and determine who deserves to be your friend and who doesn’t. As far as your mom, she should be ashamed of herself but personally I think she is in denial. I might ask her if this happened to her and her mother treated her like she did you how would she feel? But again, you can’t help how other people think or act only yourself. So get into counseling and who cares what your mother or father think, because you can’t not help yourself by putting them first. Put yourself first and go from there. Stay strong! Lynn
LikeLike
I would like to show some appreciation to the writer for rescuing me from such a problem. As a result of surfing through the world wide web and seeing concepts which are not powerful, I believed my life was gone. Being alive without the strategies to the problems you’ve fixed as a result of your main write-up is a crucial case, as well as those that could have in a negative way affected my entire career if I had not noticed your web site. That skills and kindness in controlling all the details was invaluable. I’m not sure what I would’ve done if I had not discovered such a solution like this. I am able to at this moment look ahead to my future. Thanks a lot so much for the professional and sensible guide. I won’t be reluctant to refer the sites to anybody who desires tips on this problem.
LikeLike
its been 24 days after i met with ths guy, i couldnt open up to him until a week later, when i was able to tell him about my rape ordeal of a year ago, which had me testing hiv positive, what i mean is i found out about my hiv status after the rape. i lied about the hiv results, until after the following week, i was able to tell him, he couldnt believe it and suggested we re do the test together, then he decided love me more, and proof that with love you can change the world.
he was later interested in knowing when acxactly i tested +, again i lied, unintentionally, stating a wrong date. he decided to come with me to my doc the day i was going to get my cd count results, and then he realises i knew long before the date i had said i knew at and later that day i realised i needed to start treatment.
that was it. he is now avoiding emotional contact, he says i was intending to infect him, i am sorry and i feel so bad already for not being truthfull to him. he keeps in touch though, which i do appreciate, he checks on me checks if the medication is treating me well and all.
i love him, i want more than that. he says he doesnt know me anymore, and he wants to wait until he is sure about me! i dont know what to do…..i feel am going to lose him.
LikeLike
dii, Honesty is so important no matter how difficult it is. If you’ve reviewed my site one of the things I stress is that before you ever enter into a sexual relationship with someone that you care about you must tell them you are a rape survivor BEFORE you have sex. This is for many reasons including emotional from both sides as well as health reasons. This doesn’t mean details only that you have been raped. It is even MORE important if you have contracted aids which I’m sure you now realize. I know the reason some don’t do this is ebcause they feel they are protecting themselves and it is very personal. But again if it is someone you are getting serious with you don’t want to start the relationship with dishonesty and to someone else coming into the relationship consider this a HUGE issue if you are not honest with them from the get go. What we don’t think about is that this step is really for our own good. It determines #1 if this person cares enough to stay in the realationship and supports you, because if they don’t then it is better to find out before you have sex and are physically and emotionally attached to them. It also helps them to understand some of the feelings that you might be going through when you do take that step. Basically you are up front and honest and it is their choice to be in or out and they can’t blame you for anything and they appreciate no matter what the outcome that you were honest. Unfortunately I think this is a lesson for you to take with you in your future relationships because it is up to him if he wants to come back or not. But honestly if you switched places and he did that to you, would you?? Either way, at least he still cares and I think you should learn from this be thankful that he cares and move on. If he does come back remember honesty is the best policy AND the rape was NOT your fault. You didn’t do this to yourself and you are not alone. Stay strong! Lynn
LikeLike
Lynn,
thank you, for witing back to me, really appreciate. i know honesty is the best i could have done, i know i can do better, its just i was caught offguard, i ddint know how to lay it out, how to start with everything…. and it all happened so fast.
the gentleman is still around keeping in touch, avoinding contact and everything, he says to jst hang in there, its a little sacrifice to pay..i dont know what he is thinking, for how long,
am not complaining, i just feel lost, sad, scared, the most importnt is being with nobody, being alone, thts what am scared of.
do you think i am being insensitive, if i say, because i wrote to him that we should deal with it now, since that he knows, ts important now that he knows, its not important what, when and how it all happenen, but the reality is now. am i being selfish?
he said he needs time, time am giving him……
when i was attacked in 2009 november, the culprits hit me on the face with their fists, and at the moment i realise i was never given medical attention for the eyes, because i experience inflamation on the face, sinuses and everytime my thoughts draw back to that horrific night.
i take antibiotics and painkillers for it, i may need a CT scan soon, the GP said.
life is so unfair sometimes, but i think i have done very well so far, despite this and that….lol
LikeLike
dii, no I don’t think you are being selfish but at the same time I don’t think you can force him to be there for you if he is not ready.. because ultimately he will resent you for it (not that he should because I believe he is being selfish). Which is why again you need to see/find that someone who will be there for you and my best answer to that is a counselor. Once you get your head on straight then you can figure out how to deal with him. But you are putting more effort worrying about him than you are trying to take care of yourself. Stay strong! Lynn
LikeLike
It’s been almost 3 weeks now since I’ve been raped… I still can’t believe this has happened to me. There are days I feel like I am in a complete daze, like it takes me hours to do the smallest thing. I can’t stop myself from reliving it, like I wonder did it really happen as I believe it did, am I confused or was I not clear. Then I remember, I said no to a kiss, I told him I loved my husband, told him that nothing was going to happen. All these thoughts are driving my mad, mad with anger… anger at myself for being so stupid and naive for letting him into my room, anger at him for ruining my prefect life and at how easy it was for him to do that. Over the last few weeks my emotions have been all over the place, sadness to the point of tears, shame at my stupidly, fear of seeing him but anger is probably the biggest. All these feelings are like a consent knot in my stomach, a knot I wake up with, walk around with all day and take back to bed each night. I told my husband what had happened to me and while he is there for me I know he doesn’t want to talk about it… he treats it like an affair or something and seems to hope that if we just don’t talk about it the whole thing will just go away. All of this is just adding to my frustration because I feel like I need to talk about it… I get up every day and paint a smile on my face, as if everything is normal and all the time I feel like I’m dying inside. All this pretending is wearing me down, I feel like I am going to explode.
LikeLike
M mac, First of all you don’t talk to him about it, in details anyway. You need to talk to a professional because they are the only ones that can help you, or group counseling (everyone says no at first but I have yet to have any come away not wanting to go back). You also shouldn’t harbor negative feelings towards your husband. His only issue is he doesn’t know how to deal with it. You might want him to deal a certain way but unless you’ve been through rape or are a trained professional you don’t know how and so ignorance is their best policy. I know it’s not good but we can’t hold it against them. They want everything to go back to normal just like we do but unfortunately it just isn’t that simple. All you need to communicate to your husband is express your feelings because he can’t read your mind. What you can and absolutely should do is seek counseling. Go through your insurance or call your local crisis center or go to rainn.org and find the nearest counselor to you that specializes in rape. The sooner you go the sooner you will start to heal and understand how to bring your life and husband back together. Stay strong! Lynn
LikeLike
It has been seven years ago since I was raped by a guy that I worked with. I ended up finding out six weeks later that I was pregnant but I could not do an abortion. After I had my beautiful baby girl, it took me nine to come to realize that I did not have to see the man that did what he did to me. I have never blamed her for what happend to be but to look at her and see him was enough to keep me away from her for nine months. In my past I had my dad’s dad sexual molest my sister and I and I lived with a guy that sexual abused me when I was 16 to 18. I have been with my husband for the past almost three years now and he would get mad at me that I would not do anything with him and I would finally tell him to do what you have to do. I have been dealt with the for the past year and half and now everything is hitting me hard. I have tried to stay strong for my three wonderful child but it is getting harder and harder too. I have just told my husband what I was going through and he said I should have reminded him about everything I have gone through and that I was raped and when he would do what he had to do, I just layed there remembering that night. I have been having nightmares of the whole night that I was raped. Just laying there watching a movie and him getting on top of me and me telling him no over and over and over. Then going home and taking a shower 10 times to try and wash the dirt off of me. I feel like I have hit rock bottom and there is no way to get back up. My husband does not understand and he thinks that I should be just fine and be able to go on with my everyday life of school, work, and family but I cannot. He wants me to talk to him about it but how do you talk to somone that makes you relive that night every time he touches you.
LikeLike
N. First of all you don’t talk to him about it, in details anyway. You also shouldn’t harbor negative feelings towards your husband. His only issue is he doesn’t know how to deal with it. You might want him to deal a certain way but unless you’ve been through rape or are a trained professional you don’t know how and so ignorance is their best policy. I know it’s not good but we can’t hold it against them. They want everything to go back to normal just like we do but unfortunately it just isn’t that simple. You don’t need to talk to your husband other than express your feelings because he can’t read your mind. What you can and absolutely should do is seek counseling. Go through your insurance or call your local crisis center or go to rainn.org and find the nearest counselor to you that specializes in rape. Obviously not going hasn’t helped you and it is still haunting you after yrs. So trust me there is a way and going throough the actual rape and having it affect you this way for this long is A LOT harder than counseling I promise you. Stay strong! Lynn
LikeLike
I am 23 years old. It’s been 8 years since I was in the 8th grade when I met the man who would make the rest of my life a constant battle. He was a junior in high school and I was 4 years younger than him. I was so young and innocent, I had only had my first kiss a few months before and hade never even made out with anyone. I also did not drink at all. After we began seeing each other for awhile he began to pressure me to do sexual things with him. I was very firm and clear that I would not have sex with him however. If I didnt do something sexual to please him when he wanted it he would either become very angry and yell or guilt me until I cried. He never let up on trying to get me to have sex with him though.
We had been together for about 7-8 months and I was now a freshman in high school and him a senior. One night we were drinking, it was maybe the second or third time I had ever drank. I remember very few details about that night after blocking it out of my mind for so long, I do remember the most important things now though. I was so drunk I could barely walk. We were at my friends house that had a wooded area across the road. It was very late and everyone else had gone to sleep and somehow me and him ended up in the woods. The next thing I can remember is laying on the ground next to him. He started trying to fool around with me and I told him I didnt want to do anything. He took my pants off and said I’m just going to do something really quick, you wont feel anything. I heard the crinkling of some kind of wrapper which I am now assuming was a condom. I just remember putting my arms over my eyes and saying “no please dont” and then “no please stop, no” over and over and over. But he didn’t listen and kept saying ” it’s just going to be for a second” and got on top of me. The whole time I still had my face covered and never stopped saying “no no no” Next he sat up and said “I’m done now.”
We dated for another 8 months. He didn’t stop pressuring me about sex but I was still very firm in my beliefs. One night we were hanging out and he started to try to guilt me to do it. I kept telling him no I’m not ready to lose my virginity. He then had the nerve to say “Well we are ready…” And stopped himself after I looked at him and yelled “we already did what??”. He had no reply. So I KNOW HE KNOWS WHAT HE DID!!! After he graduated and decided to go to college away I found the strength to end it and be free of him.
I did not tell anyone or think about it after that at all. In fact I did such a good job of blocking it out I truly believed it didnt happen at all. The years after that I struggled with major depression, anxiety, self-mutilation, and serve intimacy issues emotionally and sexually. I always just thought it was just apart of being a teenager. Shortly after I turned 21 I was hospitalized for a suicide attempt. While I was there I was diagnosed with Bi-Polar II disorder and possible borderline personality disorder. One day we were in group therapy and a 17 yr old girl had just checked herself in for treatment. She told her story that she was raped. When she said that details from that night 6 years ago flooded back. I broke down and told my story. After my dr learned this he told me that he believed from my medical and emotional history the trauma of the rape triggered my disorders and that if that had not happened the disorder might have remained dormant and I could’ve lived life uneffected by it.
I know that was very long, but I have never wrote it all out. I have gone to a rape specialist, opened up to my friends and family about it, and am on the right meds for my disorder. After all that I still experience intamicy issues with sex, trouble forming and maintaining relationships, guilt, but most of all I have so much anger and hate in my heart towards that piece of crap excuse for a man for making my life a constant battle and will never ever get to stop fighting it. How do you forgive and let your anger go to a man that has caused you to have a mental disorder, that even with the right tools and will, you will never be able to have full control over it?
I know I didnt do anything to deserve or allow him to do that. It is his fault and he is a terrible person not me. I also know I am strong and I can rebuild everything in me that has been broken or damaged from all of this and already have made a lot of progress from where I was. I am a fighter and I am never going to let my disorder have control over my life, but rather have complete control over it!
The only thing that I dont know if I will ever be able to is truly forgive him or myself. I hold so much anger and hate in my heart for him I’m afraid there will be no room for love and joy if I keep it up like this and it’s been 8 years. By holding onto this he still has a hold on my life. I want to forgive him and take back the reins of my life. So how do you forgive them?
LikeLike
RF. It’s not about forgiving him, it’s about forgiving yourself. You have no control over him or the past. The only person you have control over is yourself. So forgive yourself, not that you did anything wrong because you didn’t and I’m glad you know that. Forgive yourself for wasting all these years on a past that can’t be changed. Forgive yourself for being his girlfriend. Forgive yourself for drinking that night. Forgive yourself for holding so much anger and let it go with your past where it belongs. Forgive yourself for not seeing and recognizing the beautiful person you’ve been for all these years and embracing it. You are so strong, you can do this I know! Lynn
LikeLike
I am 19 years old, I was raped while passed out after a night out with my friends and woke up during the attack. The man was my best friend / housemates boyfriend.
I don’t have many close friends as i have trust issues from bad experiences in the past. Now it feels like my life is falling apart. He at first denied it so i went to the police and had tests to find DNA but now he has changed what he is saying to that i wanted him to do what he did.
I feel lost and alone, i have moved in with my mom for a while and having some time off work but my long term boyfriend cant be around as he lives far away while at Uni.
The girl was my best friend and we did everything together, she was like a sister to me and for her to not believe me with something like this kills me inside.
I’m scared, waiting to see if it goes to court, but am worried about where i am now going to live, that i need to find a new job, i have lost my best friend and i have also suffered with depression for three years.
I just feel so violated and lonely… I’m sorry, I just don’t really know what to do at the moment so i thought posting on here may help…
LikeLike
N. The most important thing to remember is to take care of yourself. You can’t control what others think, only you. I know it must be so very difficult but put all that energy back into taking care of you. Get into counseling, you can go to rainn.org (worldwide) and find the nearest counselor to you. You did the right thing even though I know it doesn’t feel like it but you did. Have you thought about trying to take a self defense class which will help your confidence level and your sense of security. Also, try writing out your feelings at night before bed as a mental release. This will help improve your sleep which better quality sleep helps ward off depression. You are not alone and not to blame! Stay strong! Lynn
LikeLike
It has been 7 years coming up next week that I was raped by my uncle on Valentines day, 10 days after my brother had passed away. He was thwe only person I opened up toon my feelings about my brothers passing. I told my family a month later and they still speak to him…my dad now lives accross the street from him and I never feel safe knowing he could find out where I live. I still have flash backs. horrible anxiety attacks. I attempted suicide. and everytime it hits feb. i become a complete hermit. i hatethe reminders that are everywhere. i tried counseling but i still have these panic attacks…i hate living in fear. if someone that close to me could do something to hurt me so bad then whose to say anyone else wont. esp strangers…i dont know how to live anymore.
G
LikeLike
G. There are a few things I could suggest to hopefully help. First and I’m sure you are already doing this but stay as far away from him as possible. Second if you have to stay at your dads I know I would have some pepper spray. I think you should also go take a self defense class. You have to try and feel safe and it sounds like no one else if helping you so you have to take the right measures yourself to help you feel safe. Also at night about 30 mins before bed, try and right out everything that happened that day or whatever thought you’ve had good or bad. This is a mental release so you sleep better which in turn brings your anxiety down. I would also stick with the counseling, I promise you can’t do it on your own. If you didn’t like the counselor find another one. Check your local crisis center or go to rainn.org but just get back in the counseling. You can scroll through all the posts and you won’t find a one that was able to do it on their own. I know it is hard but it isn’t as hard as what you’ve already been through. You have to face it head on to learn how to control it instead of letting it control you. Stay strong! Lynn
LikeLike
I am 23, a single mother, and my ex boyfriend (C) raped me last Monday… Or at least, that’s how it feels sometimes…
C lives with his cousin (D), who happens to be married to a friend of mine (R). I babysit for them four days a week while D is at school and R is at work, and sometimes when they go out of town for one reason or another.
Last Monday started out pretty normal, I showed up, D left, and later, C got home (he goes to school as well). C and I have been broken up for a while, but we still had sex every now and again, but Monday was different. He tried to get me to sleep with him while one of the kids was taking a nap, but I told him no. I wasn’t going to leave my two year old alone in someone else’s house so I could go have sex, I thought that we needed to stop having sex period, and I had forgotten to take my birth control the day before. He said he understood, and went to his room.
A few hours later, I was making dinner for the kids (ages 1, 2, and 7). I had just put the pizza in the oven, and went to let C know. I went to give him a kiss on the cheek, and he started kissing me. I will admit, I lost myself for a moment, but when he tried to put his had down my pants, I pulled back and pushed his hands away. I reminded him that I thought we shouldn’t have sex anymore, and that the kids were in the living room, but he persisted.
Eventually he managed to get a hand down my pants. I kept trying to step back, or push him away, but then he’d do something, and my knees would go weak… I tried stepping back quite a few times, but each time, he would do something… Something to destroy me resistance, if only for a moment. I started trying to reason with him. I was off my birth control, we were broken up, I didn’t want to take the risk of getting pregnant, the kids were in the living room, there was food in the oven…
Over and over I tried to get him to stop, pushing his hands away, reminding him of all the reasons why I didn’t want to have sex. Each time, he simply did something else to stop my protests momentarily. I told him to stop as he pulled down my pants, and again as he took his off… I asked him to stop as he… I can’t say it, even like this. I kept asking him to stop, tried to push him off. I felt used, betrayed, and ashamed, because this was a man that I loved, and I was enjoying the sensations. I enjoyed myself, physically, even as I begged him to stop… I was to afraid to try to hit or kick him, he is ex military and has PTSD. I’ve seen what happens when it is triggered, and I was too afraid of setting him off somehow… Eventually I just shut down.
When he was finished, he got up and gave me a kiss on the forehead, like so many times before. I tried to stand, and my legs gave out, and he cracked a joke. I pulled my clothes back on, and stumbled to the bathroom where I cleaned myself as well as I could, and did my best not to cry. I had to get back out to take care of the kids, and I didn’t want my daughter seeing me cry or the 7 year old asking me what was wrong. I pulled the food out of the oven and called everyone to the table to eat. I served the food and tried to hide the flinch when C walked into the room and the shaking in my hands as I served the children.
Two days later, I confronted him. It took about 5 tries, but I eventually got him to realize that I felt that he had raped me. He was horrified… He offered to turn himself in, he cried, and so did I, but then I had to get back to the kids. I went back to watch them, and he went outside to smoke, and apparently wound up talking to R and telling her everything. The next day she took it upon herself to talk to me about it.
To be fair, she did listen to my side of everything before stating her opinion. She believes that it was a misunderstanding because I did not make my position clear enough. She compared it to when she will not be in the mood and her husband will get her drunk because she is a horny drunk. She told me that I need to stop overreacting and get over it.
All week I have been having such turbulent and mixed emotions that I feel like I’m going insane. There are times when I can just pretend that it never happened, there are times that I can talk about it like it happened to someone else. There are times that I think that R is right, and I’m just overreacting… Sometimes I even feel nothing at all, and honestly, I like those times the best. But most of the time, there’s a lurking horror. I wake up in the middle of the night, terrified, and I have no idea why. I flinch when I’m trying to go to sleep, and the strangest things will bring on a flash back… My daughter will pull my hair, and I will have a flash back, I’ll start to shake and get even more sick to my stomach. Then I will feel ashamed because my sweet, innocent little girl should not cause me to remember something to horrible…
I still go over to babysit for R, and on Thursday I even fell asleep ’cause I was babysitting still at 1 am. C came in and covered me up with a blanket… I woke up violently terrified… Then, when R and D got home and started partying at 3:30 in the morning, I got off the couch and went to go find somewhere quieter to sleep. I didn’t realize where I was until 6 am and I woke up in the midst of a full blown panic attack… I was in Chris’ bed, he was naked, and he had wrapped his arm around me. All I really remember from that point on ’till about 7 was complete abject terror, shaking, and wanting to throw up.
Ever since… Monday. I’ve been sick to my stomach, I’ve had phenomenal mood swings, and I can seem to figure it out in my own mind how I should feel about everything. C says that he did not realize how I felt about what happened until he saw how I reacted. He has been trying to make it up to me, and he’s been the picture of gentlemanly concern, but a big part of me is terrified that it will happen again if I accidentally wind up alone with him. I wonder why, in my 3 am daze I wound up in his bed on Thursday, and I know that it’s probably the worst possible thing to do, but it’s too much, so I shut down. I shove everything back into a tiny part of my mind where I can ignore it. I pretend that it didn’t happen. I even pretend around R that I’ve “gotten over myself.”
I have no idea what to think, was it rape? Am I just being silly? If I just focus on the things I need to do, is that a bad thing? Is it bad to want to focus on taking care of my daughter instead of dwelling on what happened? Sitting here and writing this, I’ve had moments where it was as if I were simply telling a story. At other times, I had to stop as a wave of revulsion, terror, sickness, shame, depression, or guilt washed over me. I don’t know if I can deal with this… I’m not sure I want to…
LikeLike
T. I’ll be honest I can understand your confusion. I’m a little confused too because you said several times that you lost yourself, you stated you love him and then ended up in his bed. So I keep going back to the fact that if you clearly said “no” to him and he didn’t listen then it sounds like rape. What I do know is that if you are this distraught then I would somehow figure a way to distance yourself from the entire situation. Because the more interaction you have with him the more detrimental it will look on you and you won’t be taken seriously. And you are possibly setting yourself up for it to happen again. I know that isn’t what you want to hear but you have to do what is best for you and your daughter even if that is finding another job. Remove yourself from the bad situation otherwise it will only get worse. If the others don’t understand it doesn’t matter because then they aren’t thinking about what is best for you, they are only thinking about themselves. Stay strong! Lynn
LikeLike
I have a really good friend and we hung out for a while.we went to his house and i kissed him. He tried to have sex with me and i said no. He ended up raping me and i dont know what to do.
LikeLike
C. If this was recent you should make sure you are safe and report it. No shower, don’t wash your clothes. In fact put everything you had on in a bag. Even if it has been a couple days don’t wash your clothes and bag them. Find an adult you trust and ask them for help. You just make sure you are safe and stay as far away from him as possible. Don’t talk to him don’t contact him no matter what. If you don’t have anybody to turn to call your local crisis center for help. Just get the help you need! This doesn’t define you and you did nothing wrong! Stay strong! Lynn
LikeLike
I just turned 22. I’ve been raped twice. Both times by boyfriends. The first time I was 16 and the second I was 19. I was able to block it out for a long time. When I finally did start telling people it was hard but they were mostly supportive. I lost one of my closest friends because of it. She doesn’t need a ‘drama queen’ in her life. I honestly only starting telling people because it was affecting my sex life and I was explaining to my boyfriend at the time why. They’ve all been great considering here’s the girl they love sitting in front of them crying because of another man. Lately though when something happens that reminds me of the rapes I just can’t shake it. I was 21 when I finally for the first time told myself that it wasn’t my fault. I had a nervous break down and lasted at work for not even 20 minutes before I had to leave because I couldn’t stop crying. There’s nights that the slightest noise wakes me up and I can’t go back to sleep. I used to have work and a boyfriend that I could use to distract me. I don’t really have those right now. To make it worse I work with sexual offenders. The littlest things make me unbelievably paranoid like limbs hitting the window or someone knocking on the door unexpectedly. I just want my life back. Before I was ever raped I was a strong confident woman and now I always feel lost. I always feel vulnerable. Just thinking about all this has made me shaky and tearing up. I can’t stop fidgeting. I’ve also lost almost all hope in guys. I just don’t know how to get my life back together. I don’t know how to face this. I’ve been to counselors and I just tell them I don’t want to talk about it. I just don’t know what to do. It’s getting to the point that it’s hard for me to go to work and see them. If I could get away from all of it I would but I need a job. I just don’t know how to heal. I don’t know how to have relationships and actually open myself to them. I feel cold hearted because I am because I don’t want to get hurt again so I don’t let them in. I just want my life back!
LikeLike
JC, Well what you are doing is partly right and that is telling your boyfriends so they know to be compassionate (if they aren’t they are not worthy of you) and talking about it. What you are doing wrong is trying to talk to the wrong people about it, you need to discuss it with the counselors. Yes tell your boyfriends but you don’t need to go into details or rely on them to heal. There support is great but the only people that truly know what you are going through is either another rape survivor or trained professionals. So you actually have 2 options. One try counseling again and this time talk about it OR 2 you can try group counseling where you are surrounded by people that actually do understand and know what you are going through. You can learn what helps others and I know you will find at least one if not more close friends. The bottom line is you kept this locked up inside and it is ready to come out. The more you let out the more room you have to heal BUT you gotta do it with the right people, people that can help which is professionals or through group counseling. Hope that helps. Stay strong! Lynn
LikeLike
2 years ago i was drugged an raped off someone i know, I genuinely feel the same but when im with guys i know im not, My heads screwed i don’t know whos genuine whos not. It is ruining my life , I am sick of feeling helpless an alone. I don’t even know who i am anymore, I am so unhappy please help
LikeLike
Cat, If you been trying to deal with it on your own for two years and you feel this way then you know it isn’t working. You need to seek professional counseling as well as try some of my ideas on this site like journaling or yoga or even try a self defense class which will help with your sense of security. I know counseling is hard but honestly (look at all the other posts) without it you will be stuck in this limbo. You can call your local crisis center or even go to rainn.org to find the nearest counselor that specializes in rape. Don’t you want back control of your life? What happened to you is horrible, but if you don’t get the help you need it’s almost like the person that did this to you is still in control. Counseling isn’t easy BUT it’s not as hard as what you went through and have been going through the past 2 years. Don’t let this control you anymore and get the help you need. Stay strong, Lynn
LikeLike
I have a hard time calling what happened to me rape.. For 20 years I called it just sex but a counselor told me what happed was rape. When I was 16, my stepbrother (S) came to live with us, one day a coughting him kissing my 12yr old sister and told my father and step mother what happened. They told me i was making things up to break their marriage up and that i convinced my sister to lie for me. After a week of making sure S was never alone with my sister, I was becoming paranoid that I wouldn’t beable to watch out all the time. I was already sexually active so I went to S and told him if he stay away from my sister he could have sex with me. Everynight for about 4 months he would come into my room and have sex with me. I would just lay there and home my sisters didn’t wake up (4 of us shared a room). He was only violent twice, once when he forced me to preform oral on him. The second was when he caught me in the bathroom about to shower. He pushed me over the tub and told me to be very quiet or my sister would take my place later that night. He sodomized me that night. I just bit my lip and cried. After he was done i washed up and went to bed knowing he would be back but my sister was still safe from him. I started to drink heavy by the time my father called my boyfriend to come get me if he still wanted me to come get me and he did. We have been married for 19yrs now and I told him about what happened right after he came and got me, he just held me and didnt say anything when I said it was just sex. Last week after telling him about the violent parts he told me he knew it was rape but didnt know how to tell me. This has affected my life more the I knew it as I am very over protected of my daughters and cant go to sleep if anyone is awake at night. It has also affected my sex life with my husband, as I dont like him on top of me and just want it over fast, there is no emotion in it for me. There have be alot of days in the past 2 weeks since I was told it was rape, that I have been having flashbacks, depression, crying at everything. I dont know what to do anymore and just want to go back to it being just sex. I want to sweep it back under the carpet and forget about the lump. I’m having a hard time coming to terms with it being called rape. Will it get better by amitting it was rape? So lost and confussed.
LikeLike
D. It’s not easy but yes you need to realize this was rape and NOT YOUR FAULT. It won’t get better until you do. Sounds like you are in counseling and that is the best thing for you right now, don’t stop. In the meantime things that can help at night is to write out your thoughts that are haunting you or your bad dreams. I would take these to the counselor to help determine what is triggering you. Just know that this can NEVER be swept under the rug and you are doing yourself and your family a disservice if you don’t get the professional help you need. It isn’t easy but is definitely isn’t as hard as what you’ve been through. You may not feel strong now but you are VERY strong and loving person to take care of your sister like that and endure everything you did. Now it is the time to help yourself. Everything will get better once you get better and the sooner you admit it to yourself and get the care you need the happier your life will be. Think of it this way God forbid this was your daughters story, wouldn’t you want her to get the help she needs? I know you would so do the same for yourself. Stay strong! Lynn
LikeLike
When I was 13, my stepbrother, older than me by 10 years, always visited me at my dads house. He had been away in the Army for a couple years and we were so close that when he came back, we spent all of our time together. And then he started acting weird. Like random hugs from behind, stroking my exposed skin, giving me massages. I would ask him to stop but he wouldnt so I would leave the room. I felt like it was all in my head, like he forgot how to treat little girls when he went away. And then, one day, he pressed me up against a wall and held me there. He stroked my hair and told me how beautiful I was. He held me there till he had an erection and then I ran and locked myself in my bedroom. Now I refuse to see my dads side of the family because none of them believeme, and he still goes to their house very often. I feel alone because other people have actually been raped, and I wasn’t. I’m being stupid for being so upset over these incidents. It was a few years ago, but it is still affecting me and I don’t know why. Like, the other day, a male classmate of mine was wearing the same cologne that my stepbrother always wore, and I froze up, and went to the bathroom and cried and cried. I can’t stand having any guys come near me, and I don’t ever let anyone touch me. I need my body to realize that what happened to me is on the tiny end of the spectrum; but my body and mind don’t work together…. I’m lost and alone….
LikeLike
MC Anonymous, First I’m so glad that you were able to get away from him. Always trust your gut instincts because sometimes when we don’t listen we wished we would have later. The reason this is upsetting you is because your space and your trust was violated. You have every right to feel this way and if the others don’t believe you it’s there problem not yours. You can’t control what others think, just know you did the right thing. He was trying to manipulate you while you were young and vulnerable and thank God you didn’t let him. He definitely knows right from wrong and I’d stay as far away from him as possible. And I’d be happy about doing it even if it means you don’t see some of his family because you never know how deep these situations run. Just know not all guys are like that and there are some you can trust. But always follow you gut instinct. And I would suggest taking a self defense class so you aren’t worried about every guy out there. You don’t want to live the rest of your life scared because then he is still controlling you. So take a self defense class and get your peace of mind back and your quality of life. Stay strong! Lynn
LikeLike
I’m a student on exchange and about 6 weeks ago I went out to a club. While I was there I must have been drugged because I blacked out and the next memory I have is waking up in my bed (in the middle of it) completely naked unable to talk or move. I passed out again and woke up the next morning in a puddle of water (i think he washed me), I tried to sit up and realised he was standing a metre away watching me.. he walked over and i tried to get words out but the first thing that came to mind was ‘I have a boyfriend’, He then said that he loved me and he was coming back. the next day he came back twice and i pretended i wasn’t home (he obviously lived in my apartment building). It bothers me that I have no idea what happened while i was sleeping, over 4 hours would have passed at least..
I have told my friends and i’m now getting help.. however I am very numb and still in shock. It’s hard to feel anything.
The bad move i made was when I decided to tell the guy I was involved with and very close to, he lives a few hours away so we rarely see each other while I’m here. When I went to go see him, all I wanted was for him to hold me and he wouldn’t go near me. He slept on the couch and avoided talking about it. One night I brought it up and he told me he didn’t want to hear the details. Still now we don’t talk about it and he has been very distant. We rarely talk anymore and I’m really concerned for him. He saw all my bruises and was obviously very hurt by it. What can I do or say to help him deal with this. The distance he is putting between us is hurting me more than the memories themselves sometimes. And because he is so far away we only email..
LikeLike
MJ. The first thing is stop worrying about him and YOU get the help you need. Rape survivors ofter put other peoples feelings first and that is absolutely 100% wrong. Why? Because we can not change nor predict the way others feel or act. The sooner you realize that the better. There is nothing you can say and you should NOT go into the details with him as it will only make him more distant. The reason why people act that way is out of being scared and being ignorant to the situation. But don’t blame him either because out of ignorance he doesn’t know how to respond. The hard part is dealing with our feeling on how they react. It makes us feel unworthy and broken BUT we are not. This is just simply something that happened to us, it does not define us of being less worthy or dirty. The only person it defines is the person that did this to you as a rapist. So since you can’t change what he is thinking or the way he is acting take all of that energy you put on him and put it on yourself. You need to understand that you need to get counseling because your friends or family can’t heal you. The only thing they can do is support you and even though we expect that it doesn’t always happen, your boyfriend being the perfect example. Most of the time the people you expect to support don’t want to talk about it and will distance themselves for the simple reason they don’t know what to do (or even may not believe you because they don’t want to believe it). And they think by bringing it up it will hurt you as well as themselves. They also think it will just go away the less you talk about it. Well let me tell you that NEVER happens in fact the more you let out via crying, screaming talking, the more room you have to heal. BUT the only people that can help are professional counselors/therapists or other rape survivors that you can connect with mentally. My suggestion to you is to tell your boyfriend you are sorry he is hurting and you don’t look to him for anything but support via a should to cry on or a hug when you need it. Let him know you don’t expect him to heal you or even talk about it just be there when he can to show his love. Let him know you are getting professional help for the rest. That way it takes the burden off him and he will know you are trying to help yourself. And then you do exactly that get the help you need. And if he doesn’t respond to that let him go because this is a true test of whether he is gonna stick around during the tough times. Let me ask you this. If this was your daughter coming to you telling you this happened to her and how her boyfriend was treating her during this, what would you advise her to do? Worry about him or take care of herself? I think we both know the answer. Stay strong! Lynn
LikeLike
Hi…I’m a victim and what happened to me has been controlling me since August . I was raped because I was drugged by a guy and I was at a surf party and I hear the kids name all the time because a lot of my friends know him and I have flashbacks alot and now I have trust issues with my parents and men because of this I feel like I’m a liar becaus ei can’t tell my friends what happened because I don’t want them to judge me and I feel distant and alone my parents know what happened but they don’t know how to deal with it besides hell alot and they’ve become very strict especially my mom. I feel like I don’t want to talk to them anymore because they don’t understand what I’m going through to get over it
LikeLike
Anonymous, First thing I need you to do is stop worrying about what your friends would think or judgment from anyone. People are gonna do and think what they want and there isn’t anything you can do to control that so stop worrying about them and put all that energy into healing yourself. Second, no one knows how to deal with it other than other rape survivors or a professional who has been trained like therapists or counselors. So give your mom a break that she doesn’t know because even if you told your friends for support they wouldn’t know either. And if you had a daughter that this happened to wouldn’t you be more strict? She probably feels guilty because she wasn’t as strict and this happened to you. You need to communicate with your parents, not shut them out. You don’t want them to shut you out, right? My first step would be to get into some type of counseling whether it is one on one or group. then at that time you can also address your relationship with your parents as well. Just stop worrying about your friends and concentrate on yourself. You are the only person that can help you, and you are worth it. I bet once you ask your mom to go to counseling she will hopefully be relieved. People who haven’t been through this act strangely and a lot of the times not how we expected and it tends to hurt us more, I get it. So all we can do is control ourselves. When you started your post you said that this has been controlling you. That is precisely why you need the counseling. Rape is about control and everyday that goes by that you don’t take back that control through counseling is another day he has control of you and he doesn’t deserve another second. So go to your local crisis center or get a therapist through your parents health plan or you can even go to rainn.org, just go. Stay strong! Lynn
LikeLike
it was about a month ago that I was raped, I haven’t told anyone well no I have told one person, my care co-ordinator, but no one real, first thing this has happened before 10 years ago when I was 14 I was sexually assualted and nobody believed me, so I wasn’t going to make that mistake again.
I have been just pretending to be okay, trying my best to appear that I am fine, I kinda had too I started a new job a couple of weeks before.
I have attempted suicide twice since and in general am not coping. I think maybe I would feel better if I had reported it, but I didn’t remember what happened til a week later and by that time all evidence was gone all that was left was my testimony and who is going to believe some mentally unstable person, who wasn’t taking her meds at the time?
LikeLike
C. I understand how you feel however you can still take care of yourself and you need to do just that. You need to not worry what other do or do not think and get to a counselor who won’t judge you but instead help you through this ordeal. One thing I need you to know is that if you committ suicide then your rapist would have won and he won’t stop there. It’s not about telling someone to try and convict him, it’s about taking back control of your life. Rape is about control and when someone doesn’t report it the first thing they think is that they can and most likely will do it again. That being said, a lot don’t report for whatever reason (I didn’t either) but the next MANDATORY step is to not let them control your life anymore by getting professional help. because everyday that goes by that you don’t help yourself he stays in control. You remain in fear, humiliation and not able to trust. With professional help you can loose the humiliation and fear and start to learn to trust people and listen to your instincts. Then he won’t be in control of your feelings and you will be able to live the way you want not held back by your fears. another thing is that you shouldn’t feel humiliated because this doesn’t define you only the person that did this to you as a rapist. I don’t care if you were off your meds or what you were doing, you didn’t go out that day asking to be raped. You did nothing wrong so you need to take those bad feelings off your shoulders and forgive yourself. Once you can do that you will feel a lot better. You deserve a good life but you have to work for it. Don’t let him control another second of your feelings or life because it is yours NOT his! Go to counseling where I promise they won’t judge, try and find a female and I would even ask when making the appt if they specialize in rape. You are worth it! Stay strong! Lynn
LikeLike
i was raped 5 months ago,it just happend so fast..I wasnt really in a relationship with that guy but i think i gave him the wrong ideas cos i spent the day with him like a couple..I only had few drinks he then drag me to his place holding a broken bottle threatening 2 stap me,i just hate talking about it cos it is not easy never went for counsellin cos its rlly had for me to talk a bout it,didnt call the police cos i was scared that he will kill me,couldnt tell my parents cos i was so ashamed of my self.I sumtyms wish i cud have amnesia cos i rlly wanna 4get abt all dat happnd that night.
LikeLike
L. You should not feel ashamed as you did nothing wrong. It doesn’t matter if you hung out with him, that doesn’t mean you were asking for sex nor does it give him reason to expect it. You need to tell someone and you NEED to get counseling. I know it will be hard BUT it will be easier than what you just went through AND it is the only thing that is going to help you. Rape is about control everyday that you don’t get help he is still in control of your life. He doesn’t deserve another day so get the counseling that you need. I would also recommend taking a self defense class if he is still around that way you can protect yourself. Trust me you’ve been thought the hardest part and actually dragging i tout everyday that you don’t get professional help. Ask yourself this question, “Do you want the rest of your life to be like this?” If the answer is no then you must get counseling, because otherwise it will be. Also if this was your daughter that it happened to would you want her to come to you? Would you want her to get counseling? I think those answers are yes, so go to your parents and get the help you deserve. I promise it will help you and your future. Stay strong! Lynn
LikeLike
i am 18 years old . i got raped when i was 4-6 years old in a store room by by mamu in nani house. i didn’t knew what happened that time. when i was 10 years old , i rembember wt happened . being a 2nd girl child in my home , my mom always use to hate me. my mom told me that she didn’t saw my face when i was born. she use 2 tell everyone bad things abt me. i think my rape happened just b’coz of my mom . she never care abt me, wt is their in my life, so i thought 2 ran away from my home. but the money i collected got caught. so ashamed, with a lot of embarrasment i thought that i can’ t stay in this world. i commited sucide. but that also failed. but parents don’t know anything abt my life, neither anyone. life gave me 2nd chance & i wanted 2 share this with someone
LikeLike
abc. Thanks for sharing and yes life did give you a second chance so now you need to take care of yourself. I’m sorry about your family and that they aren’t there for you. You need to know that you are not alone and you can get through this. You are stronger than you know and you were meant to be on this earth. Can you get professional counseling somewhere. Not sure if you are in the united states but if you are you can reach out to your local crisis center or go to rainn.org and try and find the nearest counselor to you. Whatever you do you need to know the answer is not suicide. The rapes don’t define you and they don’t make you less of a person. It only defines the person that did this to you as a rapist. If anything it means you are stronger than most people, even though I know it doesn’t feel like it now but I promise you that you are. You need to take it one day at a time. Focus on the positive and move forward. The past can’t be changed so stop living in it. You have your whole future and you can make the future what you want. You do have to work at it but it is there and you can make it positive or negative. I think you’ve had enough negative so do what you can to make it positive. Do whatever you can to get counseling. I know you can do it and you are worth it and you deserve a happy life. Stay strong! Lynn
LikeLike
hi, i am 18 years old. i was sexually abused by my best friend when i was 15 for a period of about nine months, ending in rape. i should have seen it coming but i was afraid to stop seeing him because he threatened me. to this day, my parents don’t know. but i do understand that it is not my fault. i cant bring myself to tell my parents because i know they would blame themselves and have an awful time getting over it. i am coping extremely well for the most part, and i have a very caring and supportive boyfriend. our relationship remains unharmed by my trauma. however, whenever things get stressful in my life like right now with the upcoming splitting of my parents, i end up constantly remembering the rape and the other bad memories. no matter what i do, i cant seem to get it off of my mind. i tend to have reoccuring nightmares of being raped that leave me afraid to fall asleep at night. i will admit that i have a steady head on my shoulders and i try my best to remain optimistic but i have times when there seems to be nothing that i can do to be happy and push the bad thoughts aside. i was just wondering if you have any tips on how to do this? i am not willing to seek professional help or tell my parents because that would make my home situation much worse. thanks so much for you time
LikeLike
anonymous, I can’t honestly tell you how to “push the bad thoughts aside” because that NEVER works, not today or in your future. All that happens by doing that is that when you least expect it they will come again and torment your life and reflect not only in you but those around you. The ONLY way of healing is to let it out. The more you let out the more room you have to heal and it should be through professional counseling. Let me ask you a question? If God forbid this happened to your daughter would you really not want her to get the help she needed and deserved? and how would you feel if she said she couldn’t go to you? I know you are worried about your parents but what about your future and what they would want for you? That being said this is only my suggestion to you and the one that would help the most. If you still feel you can’t go to your parents or a counselor then let me suggest writing out your thoughts before bed. This is a mental release, whatever they are good or bad. Any triggers you think might be happening or just about your day and feelings at the moment. By doing this on a regular basis (preferably nightly since it doesn’t just start over night) it will be a mental release of your emotions and promote better sleep. The better sleep you have the less anxiety you will have. But it is something you have to be committed to. After you write then try some yoga right before you go to bed. This also stimulates relaxation and better sleep. If you have nightmares and wake up anxious try morning yoga. You don’t have to go anywhere, just pick up a dvd and do it at home. It doesn’t matter if you’ve never done it, I promise it truly helps. That being said if you ever do decide to go to counseling, take what you wrote to break the ice and help with any triggers that you have. But you need to talk to let it out and your boyfriend is not the ideal person to talk to. Yes he should know about the rape to be empathetic with you, but doesn’t need to know details, nor do your parents. Your loved ones only need to know you went through this but not the details. The person that can help you get through this is either professional counselor or other rape survivors, such as group counseling. Hope that helps! Stay strong. Lynn
LikeLike
When I was in the first grade my best friend molested me. I’ve always wondered if she did it because it was being done to her and she took it out on me. I’ll never know because that same summer I moved away. I never saw her again but what she did has haunted me since. I’m sixteen now and I haven’t told anybody but my cousin what happened. I trust my mom and I tell her everything but this I never told her. I’m ashamed and I feel I’ve waited to long to tell her. I don’t want to hurt her and have her blame herself. It’s been so long and for awhile I forgot about it. Lately, though, flashbacks have come back. And I go into these days where I get really sad, angry and close in on myself and other days I’m happy and okay. I’ve self harmed because I’ve been bullied through out my whole life. So with all of this factoring in I really haven’t been doing well. And relationship wise I can’t be in one. The last real and first relationship I was in was horrible. I couldn’t ever go farther than a tap kiss. I’m disgusted to even think of making out or ever having sex with a significant other. And obviously the relationship ended because I couldn’t go farther then a small peck. I want to go to a therapist but I don’t know how to bring it up with my mother. I don’t want her to find about me being molested. Should I maybe tell her I’ve been getting flashbacks of the bullying and then ask if I can see a therapist and then tell the therapist about the molestation? I need your help because I feel like things are going down hill fast.
LikeLike
K. First don’t worry about relationships and sex right now because before you can have a “good” relationship you have to get your head right. And as far as sex you are still very young and this happened to you at a young vulnerable age. So yes get to therapy and get your head straight before even thinking about relationships. As far as telling your mother just tell her this happened and since you moved you thought you could handle it but now you realize you need professional help. Wouldn’t you want your daughter to be able to come to you, if the roles were reversed. She might be hurt because this happened but she would be even more hurt if she felt you couldn’t go to her. You don’t have to go into a lot of details, you can save that for the therapist. I’m glad you are able and ready to get the help you now know that you need. That’s very brave of you. Stay strong! Lynn
LikeLike
On the fourth of July I went to a party at a friends house. I don’t usually drink, but since it was the fourth I did and got pretty drunk. I’m only 5 feet and 100 lbs so alcohol hits me quickly. I kept trying to run away from the party that night so people were keeping an eye on me. As we were heading to sleep my best friend left me with a guy friend of ours so he could ensure I didn’t run away again. I’ve always thought of him like a brother, so I trust him. I don’t remember how it started but somehow we started making out and then he brought me outside where we had sex. I was a virgin before this point and I was so drunk I thought I was dreaming. I didn’t black out, so I remember what happened, but if I had been sober we never even would have kissed. I don’t remember if I said yes when he asked, but the next morning he asked if I still meant everything I had said the night before, but I don’t remember anything I had said. I remember thinking in my head that I didn’t want to do this and feeling very uncomfortable, but I couldn’t get myself to say no, I just let it happen. If he’s right and I said a bunch of things I don’t remember, then I probably even said yes. Is this rape? I feel so violated, but I think I have to take the blame; I’m the one who got drunk. I didn’t stop him…and may even have agreed. Does that count as consent? I’m disgusted with myself and so ashamed. I know he had been drinking earlier, but he told me he was sober. I just don’t know what to think or do. I’m 21 and wanted to save my virginity for my husband. I feel like a huge part of my confidence and self is gone; destroyed, just like that. 😦
LikeLike
SC. This is a hard call because you said you didn’t say no, you also said you didn’t fight back in anyway so the next question would be if you felt he forced himself on you. Only you were there so only you can answer that. Was he hurting you in anyway and holding you down against your will? If the answer is yes then I would call it rape but if the answer is no then I would say would be no. Hope that helps. Lynn
LikeLike
When I was about 5 to the age of 8 I was molested and raped by my uncle. My aunt later divorced him. We moved away, and I never said anything until I was about 12. We ended up going to cps and there wasn’t enough evidence is what they said. So my case was dropped and I feel as though my family does not believe me. I am now 17 and have been with my wonderful girlfriend since I was 14. (I am also a girl) she has been nothing but supportive of me. But after we make love.. I break down. All these emotions hit me like a ton of bricks and I’m not sure what I could do to help myself.
LikeLike
LM. The reason you are breaking down is because you haven’t dealt with your emotions nor do you feel validated that someone (other than your girlfriend) believes you. What you need to understand is that we can not control what anyone else thinks or how they act only ourselves. That being said, the only validation you really need is from a professional counselor and the empathy from your girlfriend. You know what happened and I’m sure you know none of it was your fault. So now you need to get counseling for yourself and for any healthy relationship that you want to have in your future. The longer you wait the longer it will take for you to heal. You deserve to be happy and it sounds like you have a good support system with your girlfriend so take care of yourself for both of you and again, don’t worry about what anyone else thinks because it is just there own ignorance. Stay strong! Lynn
LikeLike
I’m a twelve-year-old girl who has been raped by her uncle. It all started a couple years ago. This pass year has been really hard and about two months ago my cousin J.M.J walked in on me halfway undressed and him standing a few feet away from me. She got very upset (cussing, screaming and wishing that he would rot in hell) and called the police. He is currently in prison.
I am going to my other cousin’s party in a few days and from what I know, she is going to be there. AWKWARD… how do I deal with everything without getting upset and crying? I’m just going to celebrate with my cousin I.M.
LikeLike
K.M. I wished I could tell you what to do but everyone has different feelings and reactions. I know that isn’t what you want to hear but my suggestion is not to discuss it with her, UNLESS you want to. But I don’t think that would be the time or the place. So IF you want to talk to her let her know you will but that isn’t the right time. If you don’t want to talk to her about it then don’t bring it up. I wouldn’t avoid her though because essentially she saved you. I’m not sure if either of you look at it that way but she did and if I was you I’d be very thankful for it. I know it was a lot of drama but the positive side is he is in jail and can’t hurt you or anyone else anymore and no matter how you two feel about each other you should both be thankful for that. If she brings it up let her know you appreciate her saving you but you’d like to leave the past in the past. That being said you need to get counseling for this though. It isn’t something you need to discuss with your cousins but you do need to discuss it with a professional because this is going to affect your future relationships and trust issues. So I hope if you haven’t already you get the counseling you need. Stay strong! Lynn
LikeLike
I cannot move on with my life without justice. I feel as though he is left unpunished and i am suffering 😦
How shall I live my life? I cannot go on without justice.
Noone believes me. I am worthless, and noone cares.
LikeLike
M. Have you turned the person into the police? Were you able to get a rape kit done afterwards? Hopefully the answers are yes because that is the best justice you can do for your own good. But if the answers are no then the best justice you can do is to take care of your emotional state. You can’t control what others think but you can control yourself and learn how to deal with the others. You don’t need to put other peoples feelings before yours right now anyway. So if they aren’t giving you the support you need then just forget about them right now and concentrate on getting your head straight. Once you can do that then you can figure out how to deal with all the other stuff. But if sounds like you need to put you first. So get professional counseling and take care of yourself. I promise you that is the best justice you can do. Stay strong! Lynn
LikeLike
Hiya, I wrote about 6 months ago about being raped and your advise was really helpful. I went through the rape court case and he got away with it unfortunately. My sister had to give evidence and he was allowed to see what she looks like which makes me worry a bit but hopefully everything will be alright. Your advice was to tell people I’m not a victim but a survivor so I’ve decided to get my first tattoo saying survivor so it shows I’m moving on with my life. Any one who’s reading this who it’s happened to I just want to let you know it gets better and you won’t always feel like this is just takes time. Don’t let it control you life, don’t let them win. I’m 17 and I’m doing my a levels and making sure I’m going to get my dream job and that low life idiot is my motivation to do better. Thanks Lynn and good luck to everyone else out there x
LikeLike
A. I’m soooo glad to hear you are doing good! I love it when people check back in to tell me they are doing better. I’m so VERY PROUD of you and remember this only defines you as a STRONG SURVIVOR! You go and get everything you want out of life! Stay strong! Lynn
LikeLike
Hi im 16 and I was raped by a guy who was 19 when I was 13. We were in a relation ship an I felt like he was too old for me and I shouldn’t bedating him. The night I was going to break up w him he raped me and I felt like I had to stay w him BC I believed in no sex until after marriage. I realize now that I shouldn’t have been w him at all and my beliefs didn’t apply to that. But I was w him on and off for a year, I made myself believe I was in love w him that way I could handle staying w him. He cheated on me multiple times and I had enough so it ended. My family moved and my mom was the only one aware of the situation but still to this day she talks about how great of a guy he was. It really upsets me and I don’t know how to get over the situation if someone that’s supposed to support me is making cruel comments constantly. I’m currently in a relationship that has been going on for a year now and we haven’t done anything sexual at all. He’s a great person and i trust him completely but the thought of what my raper has done to me everyday makes me take things out on my bf even if he doesn’t do anything wrong. I’m really lost right now and i need help. I have no idea what to do with my life anymore .
LikeLike
C.I. I’m sorry your mom isn’t supporting you the way she should, but to be honest I hear that more than I wish and you have to chalk it up to ignorance. They either don’t want to believe it or act like it never happened because it hurts them too. I know it is hard to believe but if your mother is acting like that I’m sure she obviously doesn’t really believe it was rape. I do though and the reason you are still having these issues is because it happened at such a young and vulnerable age, which is why you stayed with him. Rape is about control not you and that is exactly what he did to you that entire time, control you. So what you need to do now is take back control of your future for you and any relationship that you choose to have. You need to start by telling your mother not to ever mention him to you again. If she chooses to not believe you or condone a rapist then you can’t help the way she thinks but not to ever utter his name or anything about him again. Tell her frankly that it will ruin your relationship with her if she continues. And then go from there. Secondly if you haven’t told your bf now of the rape you need to before you ever have sexual relations. You must do this with any relationship you have. Because you need them to be empathetic and see if they are in it for the long haul, because if they aren’t you do not need to have sex with them. I promise it will make it that more difficult if you have sex and then they leave because they can’t handle it. You do NOT need to go into details, especially how you stayed. You tell them I’m not going into details but you need to know this because I’m trying to deal with it. And you need to seek counseling and you can tell them the only person that needs to know details is your counselor. But no matter what age you are when someone is raped the only person that can truly help you move forward is someone that understands like other rape victims which is why group counseling is awesome or private professional counselor who has been trained in dealing with rape. I promise you this will help you, your relationships and your future. Stay strong! Lynn
LikeLike