You are not alone…..

If you’re feeling lost and looking for some inspiration or would like to talk with someone that will not pass judgment on you, please feel free to contact me by leaving a comment at the end of this post. Posts are kept anonymous. Definitely take a minute to check out all the content. Is your rape controlling you? Well this website is to help YOU GET BACK IN CONTROL. It is to offer anonymous, encouraging ideas which can hopefully help rape survivors deal with their emotions, which is a necessary process in order to start the healing process. I thought as a survivor, with a year of personal counseling under my belt, and currently a rape counselor (my purpose in life now) why not share what I’ve learned with those in need. I know as a survivor the variety of mixed emotions, that can seem almost impossible to deal with at times, that affect you in your everyday life. As a counselor for 5 years I’ve also been exposed to a lot of different situations and types of rape. Please know you are not alone and you don’t have to be!.

763 thoughts on “You are not alone…..”

  1. i was11 when my atacker raped me. weired thing is my mum was the one who started the whole thing she got mony for the rape and it was her boyfreind who raped me he started out licking my privit area and then it went to fucking me he went to to my mom and did thesame thing and back to me i feel so discusting and then my mom has another guy doing the same and they would make me drink acuhal this happend to me in the year of 2007 an i am 14 know and still have dreams and flashbacks and one of the guys are still out there i think i am so afraid that he will find me and rape me again i feel like i am a slut and i am the one who cauesed this to happen and the whole sitiion has put a lot on my life at first people told me to just forget about it an move on and i did not i kept my emotion inside of me and i got depresed and i became suscidal and know i just dont know what to do with my life i want to die but then i feel like there is something good in my life

    Like

    Reply

    1. S. You are so young and your mom took such advantage of you and I’m sorry to say that but it is true. What you need to know is that when you are a child you are taught to trust your parents and do what they tell you, which is all you did. It does not make u a slut or dirty it makes you a child that believes in her mother to do the right thing, therefore expecting your mother to do the right thing for you. How were you suppose to know it was wrong when you weren’t even sexually active and didn’t know what was going on? You MUST stop blaming yourself and STOP feeling like this was your doing. I realize you are gonna have bad feelings towards her and what happened but you mustn’t blame yourself. Put the blame where it belongs on your mom and I hope you can get away from her. Go to rainn.org and find a counselor near you OR see if you have a local crisis center because of the fact that you are a child and scared they should be able to help you at no cost. Whatever you do don’t even think about leaving this earth because this earth deserves a girl like you more than the people that did this to you. Not saying do anything to them just take care of yourself because now that you are aware and know this isn’t right you can control your actions. We can’t control others actions only ourselves and someone needs to know your story that can help and love you emotionally the way you need so you can feel good and important to society again. It won’t be easy but I promise you that you can get there. But remember it’s about you taking care of yourself. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  2. Hello,
    Recently my girlfriend of 3 years broke up with me completely out of the blue becasue she doesn’t feel she’s emotinally ok to be in a relationship anymore. About 5 years ago she was raped and never told her parents. She kept it a secret for about 2 years until I convinced her that she needs to let it out in order to heal. Things have been ok with subject until now. She says she doesn’t know what’s going on with her but, she did tell me that she’s been having dreams about the rape for the past few months. She won’t talk to me or any of her family because she says that nobody understands. Since she’s not giving anyone answers we’ve all tried to talk to her, but it only made things worse. Now she is completely shutting herself down to feeling anything whatsoever. I would really apprecitate any advice you have to give. I just want my love to be ok and get back to her cheerful self. Also, what can I do so I don’t further damage our relationship? I know I have been too pushy and I just don’t know how to go about things anymore.

    Like

    Reply

    1. A.N. First stop being pushy, it’s all about patience and letting the victim comes to the point when they are ready to deal with it. Most try and block it out until the day comes when it starts affecting them all over again, via dreams, movies, feelings, words whatever, then guess what it is all real again because we didn’t deal with it. It is like your shadow that you can never run from until the day you stop being scared and face it face to face through professional help. If you push she will feel inadequate like she is doing something wrong and that is the biggest thing for a rape victim to get over. To let go of the guilt of whatever reason, why did I dress like that, why did a take a drink, why did I trust him, blah blah blah, no of that makes a difference cause there is NO excuse for rape, but it is the hardest and biggest step for us to overcome, therefore she must do it when she is ready. She will find out without the proper help whether or not you are in her life, she will still have to deal with it. But hopefully she will realize she wants the emotional support you can give her rather than being by herself. She might need to be by herself to get her into counseling. You can suggest for her to come check out this website you found (no need to let her know we posted, she won’t read all of them) to help her. Stay strong and don’t push, patience is a virtue! Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  3. K. Oh my gosh I’m so sorry this has happened to you I’m sure you are frightened. Because I don’t know the laws there and this guy is high up in the government I hesitate to tell you to go to the authorities. You do need to get help though. Because this is something that can adversely affect the rest of your AND because this guy knows where you live and could possibly come back, I would suggest going to the American Embassy. You need to go as soon as possible and if you have any clothing that could have evidence DON’T wash them and take them with you. If you haven’t showered don’t but I’m assuming you probably have. Anything that you had with you that night that you can take with you do it. They will be able to help you. I know you want a good college experience but until you get the proper help you need it is only going to leave you scared and unable to deal with college so take care of yourself first, mentally and safety wise and then worry about your college. I would also tell your parents so you could have assistance you may need from home and so they will understand what is going on with you. You did nothing wrong and it sounds to me like you were drugged somehow and they obviously knew what they were doing. Not to scare you more but this also obviously wasn’t the first time and doubt it will be the last. If you have a camera and have any bruising take pictures too. Don’t be too scared to not get the hep you need, go to the American Embassy today!!!! Let them know what happened and that everytime you tried to get away he overpowered you and it made him more angry and you were in fear for your life! Please! If for some unknown reason that doesn’t work then you must work with your parents/family/friends to get you the help you need! I would also check into a counselor at school, especially since it just started IF the counselor is a women NOT a man. I’ll be checking in if you feel like letting me know what is going on. Stay strong! Lynn

    Like

    Reply

  4. i feel as i can really relate to a lot of these posts. im 16 years old and i was raped 2 years ago when i was 14 by a very close family friend (2 yrs. older than me) I never told anybody until about a week ago, i told my two best friends. they are both really helping me a lot but i feel like they can only say/do so much to help. I was in denial for a long time and i just tried to erase it from my memory. but he is my neighbor.. and everything just reminded me of him and what had happened. The guilt and confusion is so overwhelming and embarrassing to me at times that I think it has finally hit me. I need help & support. My assaulter is still out there, talking to MY friends, and making himself seem like an everyday good guy but nobody knows what he is really like. and we have a lot of the same friends so its hard. I try not to even remember the day it happened but it just felt like it went on and on for hours.. which probably only lasted about 20 minutes. the worst 20 minutes of my life which consisted of just crying and trying to make him stop, but nothing worked and he wouldn’t stop. after that day i had to see him everyday because i babysat for his younger sibling. I have bad anxiety attacks at random along with flashbacks which have caused me to pass out and end up in the ER, and i have recently been having horrible nightmares. I don’t know what to do because i am SOO afraid to tell my parents, but my friends want me to get help but i cant because my parents would have to know.. i am not dealing with it well at all and i don’t want to deal with it the way i have been, which is drinking and occasionally taking pills just to numb my thoughts. Some days i’m perfectly fine and other days i’m sad again & i will take the pills, the simplest things get me mad or aggravated. i have a short temper and its frustrating because i get mad at my friends when they really don’t do anything at all and i feel bad they have to deal with my shit. I just need advice from someone out there that can relate to me. please help, thank you!

    Like

    Reply

    1. S.T. After 2 years of having to keep this in AND have him as your neighbor AND have him look like a good guy to your friends is TOO MUCH! Of course you are feeling the way you do and who could blame you. You aren’t crazy, even though I know you feel like you are. what you are is STRONG but not as strong as you would like. that is because you are right, your friends can only help you with the emotional support you need NOT the professional support YOU NEED. Go to rainn.org and find the nearest professional to you and let them know your story, and ask for their best advie for help. You can also see if you have a local crisis center which usually can help for free and anonymously. Most of all protect and take care of yourself, not by babysitting his family member. Not sure why you can’t turn to your parents which is why you need a professional. Even a school counselor MUST keep it quiet but can help you get in the direction you need. Do you go to church, you can try church counseling, there are many ways, so don’t give up on yourself and work hard at finding them and then doing what you need to do to take care of yourself. Let your friends know how much you appreciate them but you understand they can’t heal you nor do you expect them too. This will relief them in a way that they know you are not expecting them to do what they don’t know how to do! do you understand? It’s kinda letting them off the hook but the result will be that they are there for you more because they know thats all you want. Then you NEED to get the help and protection you deserve and YOU DO DESERVE IT! Also think about taking a self defense class. As far as the nightmares, write out each night in a journal or just a piece of paper that you can throw away, but just get it out of your head. Good or bad thoughts just get them out of your head so your brain can relax. I suggest to a lot of people to take what they have written to the counselor to help them determine their personal triggers and how to cope. Hope this help. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  5. So it happened back in March. I was hanging out with this guy I met in a parking lot one day and we were smoking and drinking all night and then his friend came to meet us up. After we went to eat and such, we went back to the guy’s apartment, but we stayed in the car. I guess the guy I was hanging out with first decided to go into his house, and I stupidly stayed behind. I had to go to the bathroom, but I just went beside the car and took a squat. I don’t know why I didn’t just go into my friends apartment. I was still drunk at this point, but I remember that I crawled into the backseat to finish putting on my jeans because I took everything off to go pee. Then I glanced up at the rearview mirror and the fucking creep was just staring at me straight into my eyes. I stood still for a second, then he quickly turned around and got on top of me pretty easily because I was in the middle of the backseat. I tried to push him away, but he was too strong and after what felt like a minute or two, I just started crying, and then he just stopped. I don’t remember what happened right after this, but the last thing I remember is I’m in the driver’s seat of my car (he raped me in my car) balling my eyes out for 20 minutes. It was like 5 in the morning because I came home at 6am. I didn’t call the cops or make a report.The next day, the guy I met at the parking lot called me and told me he called me all night after he left so I could come hang out in his house without his friend. I told him what happened, and I had the feeling he knew that his friend raped me already because he sounded nervous and a tad bit concerned, probably what would happen to himself though. I just buried the rape and how I feel away like I do with all bad things that happen to me. I told my acquaintance about it one night and I started crying and then clammed up again. The thing is, I blame myself for being raped in a lot of ways. First off, I was, and kind of still am, a slutty kind of girl. I’m not a whore, I’m a bitch, because I’ll do things with everyone but you. Know what I mean? And I’m a lesbian too. I just hook up with guys because I’m in denial and I just want to feel confident and blah blah blah. And since I stayed with this fucker late at night in an abandoned place with my jeans half off of me and shit all drunk and blazed, I keep thinking it’s my fault for not thinking smart and getting myself the fuck outta there. The rapist did shady shit that night before raping me too. I didn’t bring my bag so I just carried my pack of cigarettes with my license tied to it with a hair tie. then I couldn’t find it, and I suspected him of taking it, so I was kind of buttering him up and shit, then what do you know? He gives me my pack and my license saying, “look I found it” with this evil, shady ass smirk on his face. WHAT A BASTARD. I feigned ignorance and acted surprised. Shit, I was only surprised he really gave it back. But then he just ended up taking my actual identity from me, not that I knew myself before all this. URG. I feel so damn lost and alone. I have so many problems I don’t deal with and it’s all building up inside me. I am so not a functioning young adult. I’m fucking dysfunctional. More than you know. And the worst part is I still put myself in dangerous situations by meeting people off craigslist so I could meet ppl who’ll smoke me out and yesterday I met this 29 year old dude who looked so creepy. He gave me bad, scary vibes from the start. First he told me he was in a blue truck then I went out the store I was in and saw a birhgt blue truck and when I walked over to it no one was inside, then this fool pops out from the back and we walk over to his real car all the way in the back of the lot. Then I led him to this neighborhood right next to the store, and we smoked one bowl but he kept placing his hand all the way to my side of the car, and my intuition kept going off even harder so I just bounced out the car and walked along the sidewalk and he kept driving along next to me and shit telling me to get back in. I eventually told him to fuck off and you’re crazy in a collected tone and he says into the air “that’s weird”, like he was surprised I stood up to him and he drove off. I was afraid he would stalk me home from my bus stop but thankfully I ran errands that took me nearly 4 hours so I’m sure he didn’t. GOD, why do I keep doing this to myself? I’m so lonely, but I’m afraid to make real connections with people. That’s why I think I use craigslist just so I can hang out with someone and smoke for a day and never see them again. I just want to start dealing with being raped before all else though, because this is really fucking with my mental state. I don’t talk about anything in person, really. I’m like totally silent so what are other ways I can deal with rape???? Please get back to me and give me some ideas. All this is real I promise it all happened as crazy as it sounds.

    Like

    Reply

    1. G. First of all you need to stop thinking so low of yourself. I don’t care what you did or where you met this guy he had no reason to rape you, period! You need to believe that. On the same note I don’t judge anyone and as long as you are legal and not committed and using safe sex measures you can do what you want with whom you want (but I would also like to hope no one is getting hurt in the process, especially you). My guess is you are not happy with yourself and living carelessly and now you understand that a days worth of high is not worth a lifetime of ill feelings…. And whether you drink, smoke or take drugs it is all temporary and most of the times when you’re not high realization is even worse. Problem is realization will be here forever NOT the high. So that being said you MUST seek counseling, and for you I think it will be easier than some because it is with someone you don’t know and that tends to be the people you turn too. You can not deal with this on your own now or never, i promise you til my last dying breath, not gonna ever happen. So go to rainn.org or call a local crisis center (both of these work with money & are anonymous) and get the help you need and deserve today! By the way, the reason you keep doing this to yourself is because you don’t think you are worthy of the help or in some way not deserving because you believe you helped cause it. Well I’m here to tell you you are WORTHY and DID NOTHING to cause it other than trust what others told you. Because if they told you this was gonna happen I bet you would have said NO! You are WORTHY & DESERVING OF A BETTER LIFE NOW GO GET IT! Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  6. I visited a large campground this past weekend with over a thousand people present to camp and see a concert. After some drinking throughout the day, I got separated from my group and got lost on the campground. This camp ground has no signs, no lights and has thousands upon thousands of tents. I also had no cell phone and no way of contacting any of my friends.
    After searching for an hour, I ran into a man asking if I needed help finding my group. He seemed nice and like he knew his way around so I let him help me search for an hour and after not being able to find it, offered to let me sleep in his tent while he slept on the other side in a separate sleeping bag.
    I fell asleep by myself and woke up in the morning to my pants off and him raping me. I said no but he continued and for fear of what he would do, I sat there in silence for a half an hour. I put my pants on, walked out of his tent and asked a woman nearby for assistance back to my camp. I haven’t dealt with this yet and had an emotional breakdown today.
    Not only do I not know his name and there were thousands of people there so I will never be able to press charges, but I feel so guilty. If I hadn’t separated from my group and trusted this stranger, none of this would have happened. I feel overwhelmed with shame and feel like my friends will be disgusted with me if I tell them what happened. Since I will never be able to find this stranger, I don’t know how to move on from here. My virginity was also taken from me after saying no when I was 15 by a 23 year old which I never reported since he committed suicide two years after that. I feel sick and dirty and feel every man I will ever trust will betray and use me. Any help or advice you could give would be appreciated. I don’t know who to talk to or where to turn.

    Like

    Reply

    1. AS. You must stop feeling guilty and ashamed, why because you accidentally got separated and trusted someone? If you think that gives this guy the right to his actions then I guess there are a lot of people out there asking to be raped. Seriously this had nothing to do with that. Let me put it in a different perspective, if this was your daughter and the exact same thing happened to her, would you blame her? No you wouldn’t, that would be crazy. So please stop feeling guilty. He knew exactly what he was doing and all you were was an unsuspecting, trusting individual. You need to believe that with all your heart. You need to get professional help especially since this was the second rape. Go to rainn.org and find the nearest professional counselor near you and get the help you need and deserve in order to not let these feelings control your life anymore. But you need to first believe that in no way did you do anything wrong. Put the blame where it belongs and don’t let this asshole control another day of your life with these feelings. You need to stand up for yourself and take back that control and take the steps necessary to make your future better and something you look forward to. You are worth it! Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  7. will i ever feel the same again? Why is it that men think because we are women that it is okay to use use as objects? I feel empty inside like theres nothing there anymore. Shouldnt i fee something i mean i cant be completely hallow right? the whole messed about thing about me is that this int the firswt time first i was molested from 5 to 9 n now at 20 by a 50 year old who undressed me while i slept. to me i see myself as nothing useful i feel nothing anymore any way right so why cant i get it off my mind? i must be hopeless im guessing im just a target it will happen again eventually.

    Like

    Reply

    1. M. You’re only a target if you let this control your life and don’t help yourself. You can’t change the past but you can change the future so don’t give up on yourself because you are worth it! I know it doesn’t fell that way but that is because you think the abuse defines you, but it doesn’t! The abuse defines the abusers not you, you are innocent and the victim. Rape is about control and the longer you let it control you the more control you are giving the abusers. Don’t let another day go by that you give them control because they don’t deserve it. Don’t you want control of your life again? So take it back and don’t let the rape define who you are! Get the professional help you need so you can take the steps towards a brighter and better future that you deserve! Go to rainn.org and find the nearest counselor near you and get help immediately. This is very deep rooted since it happened for so long and at such a young age. We are not wired when we are born on how to deal with rape, so don’t be ashamed to get the help you need. I promise you if you don’t it will consume your future by keeping you in the dark past and that is not where you belong. Counseling isn’t easy but it is worth it and the sooner you get it the sooner you will heal, I promise. Take a self defense course, it will change your mentality and give you a sense of security and control that you need. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  8. When i was 17 i slept with this guy i was homeless at the time i didnt want to but he did and wouldnt stop no matter how much i said no. I feel like i should have done something but i was scared and ive always been a coward. Later on i started doing things with guys (not always by choice), at first it felt really uncomfortable but when i got my dick sucked it felt good and i always imagined someone else doing it so it didnt bother me much. Now im starting to question myself. My friends know about me doing stuff with guys so they think im gay but i have no feelings for men at all it just feels good i dont know maybe i am gay i feel very confused and its been hard for me to talk to anyone about this. I also feel like maybe this is karma for the way ive treated girls in the past i feel guilt about it even though they claim i never hurt them in anyway.

    Like

    Reply

    1. C. Sounds like you’ve had a hard life and seen many things a lot of us haven’t. That being said, I think you were put in unfortunate situations that you didn’t know how to get out of so unwillingly went along with it. You’ve definitely been taken advantage of and I understand your confusion. You were also very young when this started and going through I’m sure a lot of sexual questions and experiments, which is not uncommon or crazy. I would #1) suggest you taking a self defense class if you can because this helps your confidence level as well as your safety and helps you take back control of your life which it sounds like you desperately need. I don’t think this is Karma if the girls said you never hurt them so forget about that theory and stop blaming yourself. Put the blame where it belongs on the perpetrators that took advantage of you. Forgive yourself it will help I promise. See if you have a local crisis center near you because they can offer anonymous advice and typically free counseling. More importantly follow your gut instinct and try not to put yourself in a vulnerable situation that you might regret later. If you don’t like guys, then you are not gay, but stop interacting with them by putting yourself in sticky situations. there is no harm in running away from a bad scene. And try to get your head straight before you worry about what others think because in order to deal with them you need to have your head straight. You should feel good that you took the first step in getting help here, not being ashamed or embarrased. it takes a lot of guts to take the first step, so don’t stop now! Stay strong! lynn

      Like

      Reply

  9. I was raped only two days ago. I can’t do anything about it because it was a complete stranger. What would be the best thing for me to do?

    This is not the first time I have gotten raped.

    Like

    Reply

    1. K. I know you feel lost and empty like you have no control over this situation. Well, you do. You don’t have control over the past but you do have control over your future. If there is no way to turn him in, then let go of that and concentrate on you and your future. This is about you now and not letting your rapes define you. Only you define you and what your future holds. Especially since this isn’t your first time, you need to seek professional help. It’s not easy but it is necessary and worth it, I promise. Go to rainn.org and find the nearest professional counselor to you and go get the help you need and deserve. You are worth it and you know you need it or you wouldn’t be here, so good for you on taking the first step. Now go take the second one, you can do it! Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  10. I’m a young woman who’s been sexually abused as a child, and assaulted as a teenager, I find it hard to deal with a lot of these feelings now of what happened since I’ve never dealt with it before, just pushed it aside; and finding out my partner has been assaulted and she’s dealing with these things so hard, I feel so painful and powerless to her. I feel like…. since Ive been through so much of similar/the same stuff…. why can’t I take this pain away from her? Sometimes thinking about the pain she went through, and knowing if it was anything like what I went through…. I cry, and feel torn up over it. I know I can’t personally save her…. I can save her from committing suicide, I can save her from self injury… but I can’t save her from these demons. I was….. powerless to save myself….. and now… I’m powerless to save her…..

    Like

    Reply

    1. K. You in no way are powerless, you have all the power. It takes a while to understand this but you do. You have the power to help yourself, and you need to take care of yourself and get your head on straight before you can over the best help for your partner. She needs to do the same thing. Let me grant you full power to go to rainn.org and find the closet counselor to you and keep your appointment. Once you realize you are in charge of your life and make an agreement to not let this rape control another day of your life, you will have all the power. You both need to try you hardest to look at the future that you want together and take the steps towards doing that and get out of the past since it can’t be changed. Make a pact to find something positive everyday and focus on that instead of letting things that can’t be changes control your future. You have control and power over your future, no one else. It’s not easy going to counseling because if it was everyone would be there. But one thing that everyone here agrees to is it is necessary to a brighter future and it is worth it. So what if you don’t like your counselor (I would always choose a women), then you go to another one, you know why, because you are worth it and you have control and options! Don’t give up on yourself because only you can help yourself, along with the help of a trained professional. Like I said, you are worth it and this rape doesn’t define you, you define you because you have the power! Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  11. First off I have been diagnsed with PTSD, secondly about a week ago my partner (lover) were hanging out wih a man that I knew and thought I could trust, but I quickly began to get uncomfortable with him taking my lover home instead of me but I kept telling myself he could be trusted. My lover kept asking me if I was sure I didn’t want to take her home, an al the sins were there, but I was too stupid to notice or understand what she wanted and what she was asking. I left her with him and found out the next day that he raped her from the front, in the rear, and he force her to take him oraly. I’m trying tosupport herlike you said to do but it seems to me like the lover’s of the rape victims are being left to fend for them selves. I can only handle taking care of her so much before It starts to royally tear me to shreads…is there anything you can say that can help me and other’s like me? other than “support her.” I am supporting her the best I can but I can’t do it alone, I need hep to…please?

    Like

    Reply

    1. Helpless, Yes you need to get professional help. Go to rainn.org and find the nearest professional to you. You are right, you can only support her but that’s it, she needs counseling from a pro. We are not wired on how to deal with rape which is why we need a professional to help us along with the support of loved ones. The quicker she gets help the quicker she heal. The longer she waits the longer it takes and it will only adversely affect her life and yours. Show her this site to get ideas on ways she can help herself in the meantime of a counselor. It won’t be easy but I promise it is worth it. You can’t force her to go though, just give her resources, but she has to go when she is ready. Did you report the guy? Have her take a self defense class, this truly helps victims get their sense of security back and confidence. But counseling is the answer and is what can help. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  12. I’m 17 years old. I feel guilty and disgusting. It was at a party and yes, alcohol was involved. I was nearly blacked out and I can only remember bits and pieces, but from the bits I can remember, I wish it would just disappear altogether. Forgetting would be a lot easier, but it’s something I can’t let go. I feel ashamed. I feel like it was my fault because I wasn’t adamant with my “no,” not to take away from the fact that I did say “no” several times. It was my first time with a boy I don’t care for more than the next guy. I haven’t told anyone because I feel like I will be judged. He didn’t chain me down, I could have gotten up and left. I feel responsible because I initiated the “making out,” but I had no intention of going further. I feel sick to my stomach and find it difficult to look at myself in the mirror without these eternal flashbacks of a memory I hardly remember and want to forget.

    Like

    Reply

    1. troubled. You won’t feel any better until you stop beating yourself up and wishing the past never happened, because it did, BUT you were not at fault. Everyone that initiates a kiss or has a drink doesn’t mean they are asking to be raped, right? You know that so let go of your guilt and put it where it belongs on the asshole that did this to you. A huge percentage of victims don’t fight off their attacker as well as they think they could of, because they go into safety mode. I can’t believe this is happening, I want it to be over and I don’t want to be hurt any worse. That is what our body and mind is telling us. When you said no it was rape and you need to forgive yourself because you didn’t do anything wrong. As unfair as it is that we didn’t ask for this, unfortunately we are the ones stuck with how to learn how to deal with it. And that is what you need to do, get professional counseling to help you deal with it now so you can take back your life and really be happy again. Go to rainn.org and find the nearest counselor to you. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  13. My incident happened about a year ago, a little more. I was feeling real shitty after ending it with an ex of almost 4 years and went on Craigslist to find a guy, i guess i felt those are the only ones who would want me. So i met up with this older guy and even though i got bad vibes i continued to go to his house. I was just figured it was nerves cuz he was so much older. So we are watching a movie at his place and then he started to kiss me and forced open my legs and started to touch me, at first I liked it cuz i thought he was being aggresive and it was hot, then we moved to the bed. I wanted to use a condom and he didnt really want to, but he did cuz i asked. a few minutes later he was fucking me from behind and he pulls out for a second, i look back and saw him take off the condom, i was so mad, i flipped myself over and he pulled my legs down and continued to fuck me. I told him to stop. I guess he didnt like hearing no cuz he put his hand on my throat and started to choke me. I freaked out and started crying, after a little bit he just got off me and i ran out of his house. the next day he texted me telling me pretty much how worthless i am and no one would really care about me.

    I guess im writing this because even though i know it did happen and i still have flashbacks and all the memories of it, it doesn’t feel real. I felt like i would never be raped and i feel like i brought it on myself willingly by going to his house and meeting him off Craigslist. And the texts he sent me still fuck with my mind because i feel like its true. And its too much to tell someone cuz what are they suppose to do? Its not their fault and they cant fix anything. It just feels like a nightmare that never goes away.

    Like

    Reply

    1. AJL. First of all you didn’t do anything to deserve this and the minute you said no it was rape, no question about it. First of all change your phone number, that’s easy, maybe a hassle but worth not getting derogatory texts over that hurt you. Lots of people meet of craigslist and that doesn’t mean your asking to be raped. What this does prove is that your woman’s intuition works just fine. Next time I want you to listen to it. You are wrong if you think a trained professional on rape can’t help you, because they are the only ones that can. We were not programmed on how to deal with rape, therefore we must seek the help of someone that has. It’s that black and white. You just don’t want to go talk to a stranger because it is hard. Well I promise you it will be but I also promise you it is worth it and the only way to a better life. Once you know how to deal with it you will keep that knowledge the rest of your life. It doesn’t mean we all don’t have our occasional trying times but it does mean that once we learn to deal and not let it control our lives anymore that we know we will get through it quicker and will be stronger doing so. So I can’t make you go to counseling but if you read through all these blogs I’d like you to find one person that didn’t get counseling and were able to handle it on their own or through family or friends. I’ll save you the time cause there isn’t a one, out of more than 800 post not a one! So if you want a better future for yourself do what needs to be done and go to rainn.org to find the nearest counselor to you. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  14. It was my going away party from a job I had forever. The party got out of control. It was in my house. I passed out in my own room after drinking too much.

    When I woke up, the side I was sleeping on did not have any sheets. They had been perfectly folded over in half. My underwear and been torn off, my dress hanging on by a thread and all of the candlesticks in the house had gone missing. I also had my period at the time and my tampon had been thrown across the room.

    I had also been robbed blind of everything.

    The people who were in my home were people that I felt were a 2nd family to me.

    For the longest time, I had ignored what happened. When making the police report I focused more on the fact that I had been robbed. I subconsciously blocked the sexual assault out of my mind.

    2 weeks ago I returned to the same place of work to temporarily help the owner out so that he could go on vacation. It was then that I started dealing with what happened.

    There are few days where I go without crying. I’ve lost sleep. I have random mental breakdowns (not crying fits but actual breakdowns) during the most inconvenient moments for no rhyme or reason. I had to disown myself from all the people I used to love since there was no conclusive DNA evidence. It’s terrible that they’ve all turned into guilty suspects until proven innocent.

    And as I’m sure you all can side with, the humility of getting a rape kit done is hard for me to even discuss with my family.

    I can’t sleep in my own home. I can’t be in my room without thinking or remembering what happened. And on top of it, this incident has stolen my ability to trust anyone.

    Today was a bad day. I had to call into work because I couldn’t stop myself from crying between 9 a.m. and 3 p.m.

    I’m starting to lose my grip on things. Daily mundane tasks are becoming more and more difficult to complete. I lie awake till all hours of the night and the few hours of sleep I get are always interrupted by cold sweats and bad dreams. It’s a fight to get out of bed every morning and to even talk to people.

    On top of this, I’m totally lost on how to bring myself up. I’ve tried a lot of drastic things which have all led to destructive choices. I don’t understand or even know how to begin making myself feel better. In my brain, I know that it was not my choice. I know that how I’m handling it now is not the way to go. But it’s almost like the situation has taken control and I can’t bring myself to deal with this in a healthy manner.

    I need help. I want to move forward. But I don’t know how. Until then, I’m in victim limbo. How do I become a survivor?

    Like

    Reply

    1. K. The day you become a survivor is the day you take back control of your life! You are going through common feelings associated with rape so don’t think you are going crazy. The day I became a survivor is the day I knew I could have been killed, but I wasn’t so therefore I wasn’t gonna let my rapist control another day of my life that God left me to live and I was going to live no matter how difficult it was to do the things I needed to do to feel happy again. I was already in counseling when this revelation came to me. So your first step is to get into professional counseling, preferably someone through rainn.org who specializes in rape. What you need to realize is that rape is not about you it is about control. Everyday that you don’t get professional help aand are being affected the way you are, your attacker is still in control of you. Don’t let another day go by, take back control of your life. It’s not easy going to counseling but it is the only way to a quicker recovery and a happy recovery. The harder the work you put into it the better the result. So don’t be scared, you are just as much deserving of a happy life as the rest of us, so help yourself now. You have to admit whatever you have been doing isn’t working and if you read some of the blogs you can tell no matter how much time has passed it all comes out at some point and affects our lives negatively. So please go get the help you need. In the meantime of actually getting with a counselor write in a journal everynight about an hour before bed, this gives you an immediate release for you mentally and hopefully you can sleep better. Actually anytime you get really upset let it out not only through crying (thats good) but writing as well. Maybe even take what you have written to the counselor. Couple other thoughts to help are get a dog if you don’t have one, pets truly help, especially when you are lonely. Try taking a self defense class in order to help with your sense of security or even yoga (at home dvds) to help calm you. But nothing compares to healing like professional counseling. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  15. So. I started hanging out with one of my co-workers back in March and April and things were going decent. We had a lot of things in common and it was nice to have someone to hang out with. My sister trusted him and I began to trust him and think of him as a big brother. He’s from a different country and in on a work visa and going to get his citizenship. When he first came here I was wary and didn’t overly like him. But my sister started hanging out with him so I did too and I figured I could trust him. I drank with him a couple of times and the last time I got drunk. I was sick and couldn’t function really. I’m lucky, I’m not going to lie, because I can’t remember what fully happened because I was drunk. I was too drunk to feel anything physically. It’s kind of funny because at the same time if I wasn’t drunk, it wouldn’t have happened.

    I remember thinking the next day; ‘Did this actually happen?’ and he tried to call, and he sent me texts begging not to tell anyone. I told one friend, and I told our boss, they convinced me to go to the police. But because it was a he-said she-said case and because I was drunk, he didn’t get charged and he’s off scott free. The son of a bitch is probably going to get his citzenship and I’m angry. I’m angry to the point I want to beat the crap out of him. I seen him once since it happened, but it was only driving by him when I was coming home from work. I have since moved to a different town to go to school.

    I don’t want to go to any therapist and I don’t want to admit anything is wrong. I’m afraid to think about it deeply because I’m afraid how much it will hurt. But since I came to school I have developed a crush on a guy. I didn’t know him, and he is attractive and intelligent considering he’s got his degree in psychology. Usually when I have a crush I’ll get shy and just seeing the guy I’m interested in will make me smile and make me feel at ease. But this is the first crush I’ve had since the rape and it’s kind of scary.

    I’m nervous around the guy I’m interested in and I’m angry with myself because I’m letting the rape affect me. I want to go up to him and talk to him but I’m afraid to have a chance to let myself become vunerable around him. I just want to feel happy and let myself enjoy going up to him and saying ‘Hey, how’s it going?’ and take a chance at making conversation.

    If I do go to counseling, I’m partly afraid to be judged. I am afraid to talk about this sort of thing to someone I don’t know.

    Like

    Reply

    1. Not so Constant. You need to go to counseling, this isn’t about your crush it’s about you and how the rape has affected you. Go to rainn.org and find the nearest counselor to you. These counselors specialize in rape and don’t judge anyone, so go there. Secondly, getting drunk doesn’t mean it was your fault otherwise, that means everyone that gets drunk is asking to be raped, we both know we don’t believe that. You took the right steps in reporting him (even though he got off) and now you have to take the right steps to help yourself. The longer you take to get the appropriate help, the longer it will affect your life in a negative way. Try also taking a self defense class, I highly recommend that to help with your sense of security and vulnerability. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  16. hello im only 17 and ive been raped by my bestfriend idk how to deal wit it anymore its been over a year now and i still remember everything about what happen. i act like im ok but im not i dont know how to be happy anymore like one day im happy the next im not.

    Like

    Reply

    1. B. You need to get professional counseling. Obviously what you have been doing the past year hasn’t helped so help yourself and go to rainn.org and find the nearest counselor to you. And just so you know it isn’t you, none of us a put on this earth to know how to deal with rape, therefore we get help through counseling. It’s not easy but it is the only way to feel better and in control of our lives again. Check out some of these posts and you won’t find one that says they were able to deal with it themselves without professional help. You will also notice the longer that people wait the longer it has a negative affect on their lives. You can even call your local crisis center, since you’re a minor there probably won’t be a charge. You are so young and at a very vulnerable age and I promise you this isn’t something you can do yourself. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  17. hi again, sorry it took so long to reply to what you told me, and thank you I’ll try the self defense idea, see if we can both get in to one, as well as look at rainn.org.
    Yes we reported him, she got a rape kit done and our detective is helping us the best he can.
    I am currently with a psycologist, she was the one that diagnosed my PTSD, but it’s still troublesome. I go back an forth all the time an it still feels like if I had understood what she wanted or done what my gut had told me to I could have prevented it, stopped it, or at lest not let it get so far. I know it isn’t my fault but I still have trouble beleiving that it’s not.
    There will be days where I do beleive it and then there are days that I don’t beleive it in the least and the days I don’t are more frequent. 😦
    She’s asking me what I would do if she happened to be pregnate by the rape…I don’t know what to say. It bothers me really badly. I mean yeah she did get Plan B but I don’t know for sure if it worked…I was sure once but now I’m not. and her mom’s not helping either, she keeps making jokes about my partner being pregnate. so I’m once again, lost, I don’t know what to do or say, my psycologist is out of town, and I’m hurting really bad. the pain turns into anger so I’m bitchy all the time, and that doesn’t help her either…:( it feels like I’m tearing everything apart..Idon’t want to loose her. :'(… help again please? sorry for being winey I just don’t know what to do…

    Like

    Reply

    1. Helpless, well first if she asks you again about what you would do if shes pregnant, your answer should be “support whatever decision you make”, because that is not your decision or even an opinion you give. When you are really hurting, sit down and write out your feelings. You don’t have to keep them or you can take them to your next counseling visit to discuss, sometimes this can help determine certain triggers and then you can learn how to deal with them. Have you ever taken yoga? You can do it at home or take a class, but yoga really helps calm you and eleviate stress. I have been doing a beginners dvd at home for years, strictly for the relaxation purposes. And try and get good quality sleep because sleep always helps keep the anxiety level down. And lastly, if you need a good cry don’t be ashamed, let it out. The more you let out and feel the more room you have to heal. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  18. I have been raped repeatedly over the span of my lifetime and I have experienced every type of rape. I know that something about me makes people want to rape me even though I make extra efforts to keep myself covered up even in the summer time. All three of my attackers told me that I brought it on myself by showing off my body even in baggy pants and big t-shirts. But after 17 years of being raped and dealing with it you learn to cope and I am now able to say that I am the ONLY rape victim that deserved it. I had it coming and I know it. I deserved it because even though the last time I was raped was two years ago I still didnt speak out against it. I never warned others. I just pretended like it didnt happen and basically turned off my emotions. I couldve have prevented the rape of someone else and I didnt. The one time I actually told any one about my attacker and had him arrested, they sent him to counseling for a week and his mother whooped him once. Thats how much it matters that he raped me every week end from when I was 2 to when I was 5. A whooping thats how much I matter to the world so I never thought I could help any one. But I hope others read this and realize they are worth something and theyre life is something to be valued even if mine is not and I hope you realize that early on because you can make a difference!!!

    Like

    Reply

    1. L. I agree that we can make a difference but I disagree that you don’t think your life has value because it does and you are worthy of a good life just like the rest of us. Just because you didn’t tell someone doesn’t mean you deserved to be raped. I really feel the need to change your mindset on this. Let’s look at it this way. What if this was your daughter, and everything that happened to you happened to her, would you look at her as her mother and think she deserved it or would you put the blame on the people that deserve it, the rapists! Wouldn’t you agree that being that young and impressionable doesn’t deserve any of the blame because you didn’t know better. I honestly don’t think you would blame your daughter at all but only want to help her have a better life going forward. That is what you need to do for yourself. First and most importantly get some counseling. Go to rainn.org and find the nearest counselor to you or go to your local crisis center and because you’re a minor they will be able to help to. Just make sure you take care of you, first by releasing all the blame and forgive yourself for being so hard on yourself. You need to know deep down this is not your fault and you didn’t do anything to deserve this. Rape is about control, not you, which is exactly what those attackers are doing by you believing them still that you asked for it. They are still in control of you, don’t let them have another minute of controlling you. Say to yourself, I’m worthy and i didn’t do anything to deserve this. I’m going to help myself, starting with counseling and a self defense class. Say that you are going to take back controll of your life because you deserve it and it is your life to control, no one else’s. Now don’t just say it, believe it and do it! Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  19. Hey
    4 days ago I was raped.
    The Problem is that I don’t know what to do.
    I am not from America so i do not know their laws and if i have a chance as a foreigner. I do not even know if I find the strength to report it.
    I would like to know if it is useful for me to do it and if where i can do it.
    Thank you very much
    S

    Like

    Reply

    1. S. You should find a local crisis center, you can call an operator and ask for a local crisis center and go from there. You can also call the police, especially if you have an evidence still, but either way go to the crisis center to get the medical attention you need and they might even be able to set you up with temporary counseling. Make sure you take care of yourself. Stay Strong, Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  20. My girlfriend was raped a little over a year ago. it was one of her brother’s friends that spent the night at her house. we were not going out at the time, so i shouldn’t be upset about it. She feels as it was her fault. while she was sleeping, the guy kept trying to touch her down there. then he climbed on top of her and kept asking. after a while, she just gave in and said “if you’re going to rape me, just do it already!” so it happened. she told me in details what happened. i just cant get it out of my head. i love this girl to death, and i want to help her threw it. this happened about 12 times. she just kept thinking that it would stop, and never did. i just don’t know what to do. i keep visualizing it, and can’t get it out of my head. i want the guy to go to jail. please help

    Like

    Reply

    1. N. It doesn’t matter what you want, sorry. It is up to your girlfriend and she will need hard core evidence if she is an adult and it happened 12 times. Did he ever threaten her? And I’m not judging just have to ask, did she just say go ahead, 12 times? Because if he didn’t threaten her and she just said get it over with, then this guy isn’t going to jail. the one thing you never said is that she said no. Hopefully she did, but even if you say no and then give them permission, 12 times it would be extremely hard to prosecute in court. I hate to say it, just being realistic. And I’m not suggesting at all that she wasn’t raped, and if she is under 18 then you can and should report it. But if she is over 18 and basically told him to “just do it already” 12 times, that in itself is not going to hold up in court. I would support her and suggest getting counseling. You can go to rainn.org and find the nearest counselor to you. Either way she needs to get counseling to make sure nothing like this happens again. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  21. its 12 months since my attack and sometimes i feel like a fighter, sometimes i feel like a loser. negative feelings come when i remember the date, when i see the date or write them down, or read them down, thats when i freeze like i have seen some ghosts, its bad because it happens mostly at work, and although people at work know about the ordeal, they will never understand why i have to take time off the office to the bathroom, why i dont feel like facing the customer because i feel teary.
    when i am at home, i feel like am in a safer and closed haven, because there is no where i see or get remembrance, unless at night when i retire to bed when i have to check and recheck the windows and doors for security, but i have a supportive boyfriend of 04 months whom i told about this, and surprisingly and shorkingly, hes been amazing since.

    then when i fall asleep on my back, facing up i make sure i dont fall asleep on that position because i get nightmares, and when i do have them, he is always there for me.
    but i cant help wondering, if my boyfriend is sticking around for me because of his baggage, u see, he is going thru some stuff, a divorce, and has a 4 year old son he has custody of, sometimes i think because he also has a situation, he is then doing some support for me in exchange to me giving it back to him. i do not mind at all, supporting him, but what if he had none of these stuff, whould he still be there for me?

    Like

    Reply

    1. D. I think you are thinking too much. Just let it be, if he is there and supportive, great! And if you are there and supportive of him – great! That’s how relationships are suppose to work. But I will tell you I always suggest that any time a survivor is considering a relationship they should be upfront and tell them, especially before sex. You need to know then if they can handle it or run for the hills, and this guy seems to have past the test so stop second guessing why? Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  22. I am 18 and was continually raped from the age of 5-12. I should be over this by now right? I think about it everyday and I live with fear. I sit in the shower and cry every morning. I still have flashbacks and nightmares about all those years of abuse. It’s all I can think about when I reflect on my childhood and I feel as it has become too much a part of me. Only two people know, my teacher and my boyfriend. I understand that I’ll never forget that it happened and that I may continue have a bad dream now and then, but is it supposed to still sting this badly? Should I really be crying and thinking about this multiple times daily? I don’t want this to consume me…and despite my efforts, I still I don’t know how to keep my head above water.

    Like

    Reply

    1. C. If you haven’t been through extensive therapy to determine your triggers and learn how to deal then this is unfortunately exactly what happens. Your rapes happened during your most impressionable vulnerable and trusting years of your life. Therefore you need extensive therapy with a professional, that’s just the way it is. If you did receive therapy, then start back again with or without the same person, just get back into therapy. I would also suggest a self defense class because this not only helps with your sense of security but also your confidence. Just know you are not going crazy, when these feelings aren’t dealt with properly they rear there ugly head trying to stay in control. You have to be strong enough to take back control and get professional help. It wont be easy but it is DEFINITELY worth it and necessary to lead a happy life and to learn to be thankful for the good things in our life. Basically see more good than bad and focus on the good, which will bring more good into our lives. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  23. i have to tell you that you have been so helpful, and this site too, not to mention the survivors and commentors. its great reading from this and knowing that everybody else. its time we patted ourselves on the back because are doing so well, we are growing each day and healing by the day. its a year now for me, and i must say i am a winner and a fighter.
    the support from friends,family is awesome, but the best thing is myself.

    Like

    Reply

  24. hello lynn. When i was 15 i was raped I was a virgin. I got forced into a relationship with this guy i didnt want to be with but this guy was very tall and muscular at first he was nice. Everyone tried telling me to just date him and see how it goes well 3 days later i wanted to break up with him and he found out so he came over so we can talk. then he started hitting me, I told him to stop that it hurt and he said well thats how my heart is right now, so to make him stop i stayed with him, I had to act all happy with him then I told him to go home but then he tried sticking his fingers down my pants i said stop but he hit me again and wouldnt stop til i let him, he kept telling me he loved me and thats one way of showing it we were home alone my mom had to go out and my dad was away, then I ended up bleeding really bad, It hurt so bad but then it stopped for a week but i thought maybe hes done hitting me now i can finally leave him, well i went to go call him and he showed up at my house without me knowing he was coming over.He had asked me to have sex with him and i said no then he started begging and begging and i relized everytime i had said no, he would punch me not regular hitting he always punched me on my arms and my legs a few times on my chest. My fear of him has suddenly increased more and more. so one day one of my friends kept telling me to go have sex with him and i always said im not ready. Turns out she hooked me up with this low life jerk because her boyfriend liked me alot and tried to leave her for me but she made sure that wouldnt happen so one day it was hot in the classroom i always ended up waring long sleeve shirts and sweatshirts to cover the bruises on my arms but i wore a short sleeve shirt because i was going to be late for school so i grabbed my sweatshirt and left but because i forgot about the bruises because i got used to the pain but my teacher found the bruises on my arms and she kept asking me what had happend and the jerk looked at me with this face i had never seen anybody give me so i refused to tell her and she left it at that so because of the events with my teacher and the jerk being in the same room does not help. I found out that the jerk called my mom later that day to pick him up from his house and all she said was im going to get u a suprise because it seemed like your very upset and honestly i was I was getting more and more upset that I was letting myself get used to being abused and I hated myself for it but Not until that Night where I found out my mom picked up the jerk and brought him over round 5pm on Nov.26,2006 and I never spoke 1 word to him and My mom ended up saying Im going to go get dinner I will be back in about 45 minutes. by the time she left it was 6:15,I remember me just wanting to hit him but my mom always said hitting isnt always the answer and that came from when i was younger where my sister used to beat up on me and i hit her a few times so i rememberd my mom saying that so i never hit him but finally he asked me for sex and i yelled NO IM NOT READY I WISH YOU WOULD JUST LEAVE ME ALONE I DONT LOVE YOU BECAUSE YOU DONT KNOW WHAT LOVE IS that was a big mistake to ever say he threw me on my bed and hit me and punched me i kicked him back. I had a hard time breathing and was having an anxiaty attack and I nearly passed out my body got weak felt like i couldnt do anything as if I was useless he took his advantage I wanted to yell and scream but i didnt have the strength to do that and i was home alone. He took my virginity and I knew what was going on I was nearly aware I learned what rape was, so after he had his pleasure of doing that to me he did it anally too the pain was much worse than hitting me or punching me In my mind I had gotten used to the pain and I had enough but that went way to far. The jerk stopped he ended up shaking me to get me to respond my vision was blurry I did get my breathing back but still shaking a lot worse at that point and I remember him just blocking my nose and mouth to make sure I wouldnt scream at all and I felt scummy and slutty at that point and he poured water on me im not sure why but i finally gained strength back and around 7:05 my mom had walked in and saw me undressed hes sweating and from the water it looked like i sweated to she found a condom wrapper on the floor she looked at me looked at him and left and she said we are taking him home get dressed. The look my mom gave me I felt low like she hated me. after we brought him home she yelled at me saying if I got pregnant its my fault and It would be my responsibility. I wanted to tell her the truth but I couldnt because my sister lied about it all the time. I finally was able to break up with the jerk because he had sex with someone else quite a few times and he was going around with his head held high that he had my virginity. one day I slipped to one of my friends and his gf over herd and its the same person who ended up having sex with the jerk and is the 1 that forced me into that relationship with that jerk and she had told me to go to the police because she over herd then she dragged me by the hand and brought me there and the jerk saw me in there with the police and I told them what happend but they kept making it as if I was lying becuase I guess most girls lie about it and found out my sister was one of them I was talking to the same guy she talked to so adding more and more stuff on me I said fine i did it willingly and then they just told me well dont lie about that again and they let me go as i walked out the jerk was right there and he said if I told them what happend I should watch my back and I said dont worry leave me alone and I told them i did it willingly and that was the last time we spoke. I am now 19 yrs old and I do have a fiance of 4 years and a son but what kills me is that we run into the jerk and he moved near me, Im scared of being alone with a guy even if he is a friend, Im scared of pissng my fiance off that he might hit me even though deep down I know he wont but that chance is always there. Im afriad it might happen again or my son might find out about it. I feel more and more regret i do question why didnt I just cave in. flash backs always happen and even after i saw a counselor it didnt help i ended up cutting because i wasnt feeling all that pain i had when the bruises disappear. I hate myself a lot I just feel so much anger and scum my mom did find out but we didnt really talk about it. I didnt want to. Finally when it got around school nobody belived me when the truth came out of my mouth i got called a whore a scum a slut and much more that some times i belive it.I just cant get over it. I want it to stop completly with flashbacks and emotional pain and it just kills me somedays i really happy and others depressed where i dont want to do anything but cry. I do appreciate you reading this lynn and hope you can help me.
    Thank you

    Like

    Reply

    1. K. I’m so very sorry all this happened to you and I understand how you feel. What I need you to do is a couple things. First if you haven’t told your fiancee you need to, no question, the sooner the better. Secondly, if you can you need to move away from this asshole for your family and piece of mind. If you can’t (which you should) at the very least take some self defense classes which will help your frame of mind and confidence level. Most importantly get back into sounseling. If you don’t do anything, this is a MUST! Go to rainn.org and find the nearest specialist in rape counseling to you. You can’t give up on counseling because that is the foundation to your healing and happiness. If you feel it isn’t working change counselors, but don’t give up, promise me! That is why I say go to rainn.org because their counselors specialize in rape. You can also try your local crisis center, they will work with you on money typically. Seriously though all 3 of those suggestions are your best bet and even if moving means leaving your mom, this is your peace of mind and future we are talking about. You obviously can’t go on living like you have been, cause it’s not working and nor should you be living in fear from this guy because that means he is still controlling you. That is what rape is all about control. So it’s time to take back control over your life and not let this dickhead control it anymore because he doesn’t deserve it! Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  25. I was raped a few days ago. I filed a police report and disciplinary action is going to be taken, but the worst part of the whole thing is keeping it a secret. I haven’t told my parents about it because I am afraid that they are going to take me out of school. How do I deal with secrecy?

    Like

    Reply

    1. H. You don’t deal with the secrecy.. Seriously you can’t deal with this by yourself. We are not wired on how to deal with this therefore we must seek professional help. You have taken the appropriate steps by turning him so now take care of yourself. If you don’t want to tell your parents then go to a counselor at school OR if you have a local crisis center you can get professional help there or they can refer you to a counselor. You can also try rainn.org to find the nearest counselor near you. But please don’t try and keep this to yourself, because I promise it will eat away at you. If you don’t believe me read the posts here and you will find not a one has been able to deal with it by not talking about it or getting the appropriate help. This is not an option if you want a better life. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  26. Just over a year ago I was raped on my 21st birthday by a bouncer in a nightclub where I used to work. I felt so stupid after it happend I knew he liked me but i had told him time and time again that i wasnt intrested, i should have seen it coming. I felt so ashamed of my self and still do a little i believe that in someway it was my fault, i kow everyone says i shouldnt but it easy to say these things and totaly different trying to deal with it. I think the worse thing is that he made stay over at his house the night it happend and everytime he feel asleep i would try and leave but he wo9uld wake up and do it again, in the end i just accepted it lais back and took it. In the morning he acted like nothing was wrong he insisted on taking me home and in the care he said to me 2 i hope you liked your bday present and tell your brother that he has a new brother in law” I cvouldnt believe it !!!! he actually thought it was the start of a relationship, i felt so dirty i showerd for 4h when i got home. At this point in my life i was living in an hostel for young homeless adults in france, my social saw that i was in pain and bruised so contacted the police and took me to the hospital. I was so sickend by tghe attitude of the police woman who took on my case, she actually said to me ” did he wear a condom” when i answerd yes she sais”what a shame would of been better for the case if he didnt” i was dumbfounded yeah it might of been better for the case but what if i had have got aides she just laighed. After that i packed up and moved back to england and droped all chargers i just didnt have the courage to go threw with it. Which i know do regret because if he does it to someone else it will be my fault because i didnt put himbehind bars but i was weak and scared and didnt know what to do. I try talking about it to my family over here but they dont want to hear about it, they don’t understand my aggresive behaviour or my drinking as a result of this, they always say its mind over matter, is this true? am i just weak in still feeling scared and ill about it? is my mind just a trap?
    I don’t know what to do anymore i now act as though all is well with the world that i dont hurt anymore, im healed im fine but im not really. I mean i cant even sleep in the same bed as my boyfriend because i am scared to wake up one night and have him do the same, Is thos normal? Any way thank you for taking the time to read this .

    Like

    Reply

    1. C. First you do need to believe, that this wasn’t your fault and if he does it again, it’s still not your fault. And albeit I don’t agree with your family, in a sense it is mind over matter. BUT not for you to act like it didn’t happen only for you to get in the right state of mind. Meaning that you have to believe deep down it’s not your fault and that you need to accept that you can’t change your past and forgive yourself. And I don’t mean because you had anything to do with it, I mean forgive yourself that you beat yourself up so much by placing some of the blame on yourself. Once you do this then you need to get professional help to help you get in a better frame of mind and work towards a better future. You have nothing to feel shame about, this doesn’t define you only your attacker. And don’t beat yourself up for not having the strength to press charges because everyone is different. I guarantee this wasn’t the first time he did this. Rape is about control and until you get professional help through counseling (go to rainn.org to find the nearest counselor to you) this man will continue to control your life. Don’t let this asshole control another day. Know deep down you are a good person that went through a bad time but you deserve a better life without him controlling you anymore. You are totally allowed to grieve the loss of your former life, but at some point you have to find the strength to do what is right for YOU! You can not do this alone and you were seriously traumatized and again when your family wasn’t there to support you. So get into counseling so you will have someone to support you and help you take back control of your life. And no it is not strange that you don’t sleep with your boyfriend, but if you want to be able to sleep with him and have a bright future with him you need to get help. You will find by going through these posts, that no one, not a one is able to deal on their own. Because we are not wired on how to deal with rape, which is why the only people that understand are the rape survivors themselves and the professional therapists/counselors. So get to someone asap, the sooner you do the sooner you will start to heal. It won’t be easy but it is so worth it. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  27. It’s been around a month since I’ve been raped while I was on a college visit with a friend. I told my mom and she didn’t care that much, shes geting me tested but to her it isn’t a big deal it seems.. I live with my aunt and uncle. I’ve been trying to get the nerves to say something but I can’t because I’m afraid they won’t trust me and won’t let me go on another college visit since they didn’t really want me to go in the first place. should i tell them? how? It’s been a month but that day just keeps playing over and over in my head and i can’t get it out, it makes me sick and I don’t know what im suppose to do and I just wanna break down all the time .

    Like

    Reply

    1. J. You need to either go to rainn.org or your local crisis center to get counseling right away. The longer you wait the longer it will take to heal. counseling will also help you determine the best way for you to tell your aunt and uncle. I don’t think I would rely on your mother too much. Just know you can’t control how anyone else acts so just take care of yourself first. In the meantime, write out your feelings as a mental release and if you want you can even take your writings to the counselor to discuss your feelings and it might make it a little easier for you. But it sounds like you are ready to get this off your chest to someone that cares and will listen and the counselor will do all that and more. Also, make a list of what you want to achieve through counseling so you will feel like you are actually working towards something. But know you can not do this on your own because we are not put on this earth knowing how to deal with this trauma. And if you read through these posts you will see that no one can do it by themselves, so make an appointment today! Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  28. I don’t know what to do anymore, I need someones advice/help. Last summer on july 4th I was raped.. I don’t talk about it much, but it sticks with me everyday. I went on a camping trip with friends and There was drinking involved, But i wasn’t drinking that much i stopped after two. This kid was there, I new him from before when I dated his brother awhile ago. I had no intrest in him, But he continued to try. Calling me cute telling me I needed a good guy like him.. Well i walked away by this time i was sober, I drank a bottle of water and took it with me, I went and layed down to look at the stars, before i new it, I was looking at him on top of me with his hands down my pants.. Im tiny, I pushed him off and went to run away but he knocked me to the ground, And i told him I dated his brother, and that this wasnt happening and i wasnt intrested. He told me “he was much more fun then his brother.” By this time, I wanted to go home. I walked away again leaving behind my water bottle, But when i ran back to get it, it wasnt there.. He handed it to me and I should have known better but i took a sip and walked away.. Well an hour went by and This is were it all starts to get fuzzy.. You see the night before he wasnt there it was just me and my gfs, and i got super drunk had a fun time, and my friend and i were being silly screaming eachothers name ha, Well keep that in mind. Because again the kid went to try and my other friend hes older, told him to let me go, But the guy pushed my friend out of the way, and took me along with him, i tried to get away but he knocked me down, I hit my head so hard on my car mirror, that it broke off. by this time he had me in the car, my front seat of MY car. The car i drive everyday, The car that i almmost took a baseball bat too, He raped me in my car, And i tried to get away I have a sun roof, I ripped the interier of it, trying to open my sunroof. After that i cant remember anything. But when i woke up he was laying in my car, and i had no pants on. My friends blamed me and called me a slut, and Well i started to beleive them, until i started having flashbacks, and then my friend who i thought was my friend, texted me saying he saw everything but didnt want to call the cops cause people were drinking on his land and didnt want to get in trouble. I need advice, I never pressed chargers, but the kid messaged me on facebook, Actually i messaged him saying sorry? cause i thought it was my fautl, He messaged back and said that it was ok we were both really drunk, Well i believed him, becfause by this time i blocked out everything.. But i started having flash backs, and i new I said no, so i messaged him again, And said i know what you did, He replyed back… “I have a baseball scolarship, Don’t F**k with it”. PLease answer back 😦 I dont know what else to do.

    Like

    Reply

    1. Little, Since you have a friend that saw everything you need to try to convince him to go to the police with you and turn this guy in. If you think it’s too late then just stay as far away from this guy as possible. Don’t contact him in anyway. You also can’t worry about what your friends think and just take care of yourself. You need to get counseling either through your local crisis center or you can go to rainn.org to find the closest one to you. But you must do this to help yourself deal with the trauma you went through. Most importantly, you need to believe deep down this wasn’t your fault. Rape is about control not you and this guy knew exactly what he was doing. I would also suggest taking a self defense class as this will help with your sense of security. Hope this helps and stay strong! Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  29. hi i am feeling so lost the last time i was raped was 7 years ago but for some reason it is all gettin worse again and im not coping i just wish i could feel normal. in 7years i have tried so much to get through it and it is still there every night and morning i can not escape the thoughts i cant even talk to my current partner about it and i feel like there is a wedge being shoved between us. ive tried counselling and they just make me feel even more alone and different to evryone else i dont know what to do anymore.

    Like

    Reply

    1. Jlost, Counseling isn’t going to make you feel good in the beginning because you must face your fears. it’s not easy but it is worth it in the long run. If you don’t like your counselor then try a different one. I would suggest a women and I would also suggest trying rainn.org to find one nearest you or even a local crisis center. It is rough and unfortunately we are different once we become rape survivors, because people that haven’t been through what we have just don’t get it. However the key word here is “survivor”. You need to get your mind trained to feel like you are now a survivor not a victim. And you need to understand the rape doesn’t define you, only the person that did this to you. Rape is about control and everyday that goes by and tortures you means that rapist is still in control. So try not to let it anymore. Take your life back by learning how to deal through counseling and don’t let that rapist control your life anymore. Something else you can do is write out your feelings before bed as a mental release. You can even take that with you to counseling to discuss and hopefully find some of your triggers so the counselor can help you overcome them. But eventually this will help with your quality of sleep which in turn will help with your anxiety level. You can also discuss how to tell your partner. Make a list of what you want to achieve and let your counselor know, so you can take steps in achieving exactly what you want. At least that way you have a direction with your counselor. Hope that helps. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  30. Hi Lynn,
    This website is fantastic!! You are amazing and have helped so many people! I wish that was all i had to write! I have recently been raped by a so-called friend when we were on tour. I passed out in my bed in the hostel and woke up for about 3 seconds and tried to stop it and just passed out again until the morning. Apart from those 3 seconds i can’t remember a single thing! Because of the circumstances i just pretended like nothing happened until after the tour. It’s really complicated because we have all the same mutual friends and even share the same work place! I don’t know what to do?! I feel that reporting it is the right thing to do and he shouldn’t be able to get away with what he did. On the other hand I’m worried this will make my life a lot harder with gossip and mutual friends choosing sides also how it will affect work! I’m not sure what is the best thing to do! I’ve tried to arrange counselling but its difficult to find open spaces. Any advice? Thanks

    Like

    Reply

    1. J. The problem with reporting it now is that it is your word against his, unless you have some sort of proof like maybe you haven’t washed the clothes you had on that night. Otherwise without proof there isn’t much the police can do, unfortunately. I’m not saying don’t make a report, just letting you know, you need to do what you feel is best. And you need to do what is best for you, not your mutual friends or him but you do need to consider the circumstances of your job. Is there anyway you can change jobs and get away from this guy? Reason I say that is rape is not about you it’s about control and the fact that you didn’t say anything, I’m scared he will try it again when you are vulnerable. You need to get counseling no matter how hard it is to get in, put yourself first. Have you tried rainn.org? go there to see if someone is near you that can get you in. At the very least take some self defense classes, if you can’t get away from this guy. But maybe it’s time to just move somewhere else and start over (but keep getting counseling no matter where you are). I know it’s a big pain but I just don’t want this guy to think he can get to you again. And if you feel like you want to report it just so the police will at least talk to him, go ahead just know without evidence don’t think they will arrest him and be prepared if he retaliates. You will have to get thick skin, especially with your mutual friends but if you can do that at least he will know you reported it and hopefully it will stop him from doing it to anyone else. If you don’t report it because it’s been so long, or for whatever reason that’s ok too just take care of yourself. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  31. Hi,
    I was sexual assaulted in third grade, by a foster kid that was in fifth grade.. i didn’t tell anybody because he threatened me that he was going to kill me, i didn’t know what to do. so i let it go on for four years. then finally i told my sister, she didnt know what to do. so i learned to deal with it, now i am in highschool and i told my school counselor and she is getting me help, but i feel like a baby, and that i shouldn’t get help because it’s not really rape, is it?

    Like

    Reply

    1. M. Yes it is sexual assault and you are doing the right thing. I’m so glad your school counselor ishelping you because that is exactly what you need. it’s not easy bit it is worth it and will help you positively in your life moving forward, I promise. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  32. Need some guidance. I was abused throughout 2nd grade, I don’t know how many times, which was 12 years ago. I told me teacher and my mom, but no one else. My mom switched me to a different school after 2nd grade, but now that I’m a college student and sexually active with guys now, I find myself having flashbacks and dreams about my abuser. I’ve thought a lot about my past and I’ve realized how I’ve used different tactics through the years to try to distract myself. I suffered through anorexia and ever since I started to have consensual sex, I find myself jumping from guy to guy which is not healthy, especially because 3/4 of the time I don’t even want to have sex with them, it just makes me forget things in the moment and afterwards I feel sick to my stomach. I guess my question is where to go from here, I know the abuse is in the past, but I don’t want it to keep affecting my future.

    Like

    Reply

    1. K. Without the help of a professional therapist or counselor it will continue to affect your future in a negative way. Even if you had counseling when you were young, you need it now especially that you are sexually active. Go to rainn.org or even maybe talk to a counselor at school and ask for a reference of someone you can talk to or even contact your local crisis center but just go seek professional help. Hopefully you are healed from the anorexia but I would definitely bring that up as well. You can even find a counselor through your parents health insurance. This is not a suggestion, this is mandatory especially because it happened when you were so young and vulnerable. So talk to your parents and ask for help, you don’t necessarily need to tell them about your sexual activities, just tell them you are having flashbacks and you feel it is affecting your grades. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  33. almost 7 weeks ago now i was raped. i hadnt told anyone up until a week ago, i told one of my teachers who has been trying to push me to be able to talk to her and to help me through it, she wants me to see a counselor but i refuse and want the least amount of people to know. the worst part about all this is the fact that i think i might be pregnant. i told my boyfriend about all this, and he flat out said he wont raise a child that isnt his. he didnt even care about anything else that i told him, im scared not only to talk to people or to find out if im pregnant but also what im going to do if i am and he leaves me. im supposed to be going to university soon, and i do not beleive in abortion and strongly dislike the idea of adoption. i want to have my life be back to normal, unfortunately im too stubborn and shy and embarrassed to tell anyone else and get the help i know that i desperately need …

    Like

    Reply

    1. J,l. First and most important you need to take care of yourself, and as hard as it is to try not to worry about your boyfriend, you need to put you first. Honestly he isn’t worried about you it sounds so if I were in your shoes, I don’t think that would be a guy I would want to be with. You want someone that is going to support you and it doesn’t sound like he is. Secondly, you obviously want and need to talk to someone because you came here. I know you are shy and embarrassed but if you want your life back you can’t avoid the help you need. So it is up to you, you can either go to a professional that can help you overcome this and help you determine what is right for you or you can choose to not talk to anyone and keep this a deep dark secret and let it negatively affect you the rest of your life. I can promise you that you won’t have a positive outcome if you try and deal with it by yourself and if you don’t believe me read through the posts. You won’t find one post that a person that tried to deal or forget about it themselves, that turned out good. You have to take care of yourself because you deserve a better life. And don’t be embarrassed because the rape doesn’t define you, it only defines the rapist that did this to you. PLEASE go to rainn.org and find the nearest counselor to you or even try your local crisis center or the person your counselor recommends, just do it because you are worth it. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  34. I have not be raped. But my wife has. I’m having a hard time with it. I want so bad to make the guys suffer and let them feel what it’s like to left powerless and hopeless. I have became so anger that if any guy looks like them I go after them. They are my goal in life. I want so bad to help my wife. Yet I can’t seem to help her. It eats away at me day after day. I have went to people and priest. Nothing seems to help the anger I feel. I can’t control it. I want to be a husband,Not to run my wife off or make her worse then what see is. I hope you can help me. To all women I’m truly deeply sorry for the awful things that happened. I respect you all.

    Like

    Reply

    1. S. As much as I completely understand your pain and anger honestly what you need to do is change your goal from “them” to your wife. Because if you did get a hold of them and did something and ended up in jail, how would that really help your wife? I’m sure you heard this before but just so you know there is nothing you could wish upon them that we haven’t already wished so leave it at that, as hard as it may be. Rape is about control and whether you know you and your sife are still letting these assholes control your life, everyday. Now is that what you want? Of course not they don’t deserve anything let alone another minute of each of your lives. The BEST way to get back at them is to not let them control your lives anymore and for both of you to let it go as best you can and focus on what you do want in life instead of focusing on what you can’t change. Does that make sense? I totally know it’s easier said than done, I never said its easy. But it is how to make a better life and to kick those assholes to the curb and not give them another minute. Make a list, both of you, of what you want your life to be like. Make a short term goals list and a long term goals list and then do something everyday, just one thing to works towards it. This takes your focus out of the past, way from their control, and starts putting you both back in control of your life. When a negative comes up, write it out on paper as a release to get it out of your head. No one has to read it just get it out, you can throw it away or you two can discuss it, whatever just release the negative. this helps you sleep better which in turn helps your emotions throughout the day. These simple steps I promise will help. Lastly, both of you need to forgive, not them (never) but you can forgive yourself for not hurting them like you wanted to, because you took the high road, even though it didn’t feel right, you did it to help your wife, because you’d be no help in jail. Your wife can forgive for letting them control her this long, she didn’t know they were but they were, so let it go and now both of you use that bad energy and turn it into a positive. Get mad and say “damn it you can’t control me anymore, it is my life and you are out of it from this day forward” and mean it! If your wife hasn’t rec’d professional help, she should and then maybe you could go as a couple, but I promise it will help. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  35. this weekend I went to a party and I drank about two glasses of alcohol. I was intoxicated, even though I am underage (18), and people around me were smoking. Even though I didnt smoke, I feel like I was effected. I wasnt myself. After the party, I wanted to go home, so I got in the car with two friends of a friend. They seemed nice.I knew them from around. One of the guys had been agressively ersuing me all night. I knew he liked me, and Id flirted with him,but I seriously asnt interested. I just thought he was nice, and it was a casual party.
    On the ride home, he started kissing me, and I did kiss him back. I was tips, and it was fun, but then it wasnt. his hands started wandering, and I got uncomfortable, and when I tried to stop, he wouldnt let me. He grabbed me by my hair, and pushed me down in the back seat, and penetrated me. I was sreaming and crying, but the uy driving didnt help. they were talking about me and my body like I wasnt there. The driver was encouraging it, and eventually, he pulled over and opened the side door. The two of them did things to me at the same time, and I felt so weak. I was drunk, but totally aware of what was happeneing, I was jst weak.
    I’m not sure how long it lasted, but eventually, lights shone in the car window, and I realizd it was a cop. I was relieved, but also humilliated. The guys pulled away and started getting dressed. fumbled to find my clothes. I wasnt dressed when the cop shone his flashlight inside the back window. When I was finaly dressed, he made me get out of the car, and I gave him the only ID I had, my student ID. He pulled up my license on a screen. I’ve never been introuble in my life. He insinuated that I had been a willing prticipant. I assured him that I was not a hooker, or a whore, but I reaked of alcohol, and my cothes were questionable. College girls dont tend to dres conservatively at parties in my experience. The cop made further innapropriate insinuations, then he fondled me. He pulled me over to the dark side of his car, and said he was going to search me for weapons. He also did things to me. The guys in the car did nothing.
    When the cop was done, he told the boys to take me home. He threatened to call the dean and report me if I told. I’m on full academic scholarship. My good name is ll I have. I cant afford to bring the school bad press. My grades werent so great this semester. My parents are ministers. They would be so heartbroken to know that I drink, or that Im not a virgin. If they knew that I party, Im not sure what would happen. They wouldnt be angry at me about being molested, they would be devestated, and probably try to press charges, and probably pull me out of this school.
    At the time, all I wanted was for it to go away. I just wanted to go home, an bathe, and forget it ever happened.
    Instead of taking me home, the boys dumpd me at a gas station in the middle of nowhere. I got a “safe ride” home with a cab. It was 7 in the morning when I returned. I was tired, and sore, and embarrased, and afraid. I still havent told anyone, and worry that the longer I wait, the less likely people are to believe me. I’m scared to lose everything… I just feel alone. I know this happens to people all the time, but its almost surreal.

    Like

    Reply

    1. College freshman, OK the first thing you need to do is stop worrying about the school, your parents or anyone else. You need to immediately go to the school counselor or a female police officer. Personally because a cop did this to you I would go to the school counselor or even the dean yourself. Don’t let that asshole cop get his way, obviously this wasn’t the first time and won’t be the last. Hopefully, you didn’t wash your clothes, please I hope you didn’t. If you didn’t bag them up tight, everything you had on, including jewelry, shoes anything. Do you have a local crisis center? you can go there as well and they can help. And don’t be worried about you drinking, that doesn’t mean you should be raped. If you don’t think your parents know what college kids do your wrong, they might not want you to drink but that doesn’t constitute rape. So let them be disappointed because you drink, who cares you were raped for God’s sake. Think of it this way, if this was your daughter and you were your parents, would you not want her to come to you? Of course you would. And the fact that thes guys did this to you and then a cop sounds like a freakin set up to me. PLEASE tell your parents a school counselor, the dean or someone but DON’T let them bully you around. Rape is about control and I promise you one thing, if you don’t tell they will KNOW they have control over you and try it again. That’s what they do. Go to the dean and tell him you don’t want to bring bad press to the school (bring the guidance counselor or your parents with you to have a witness) but they must know what happened. Tell them you were scared to go to the cops because of what happened but you know now you must report it. And you must for your own safety and others. In the meantime, go to rainn.org or your local crisis center for your own personal counseling. And lastly DON’T feel ashamed, you did not do this. They did this to you. You’re allowed to flirt and kiss and most importantly you’re allowed to say NO! Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  36. Hi there, I am not sure that anyone can really help me at this point but i also have figured why not try. First of all I feel horrible for all of the things everyone has gone through. What you are doing with this site is amazing. Being there to help someone you don’t even know. So here is my story and what brought me here. When I was 6 or 7 ( I don’t really remember, I’ve blocked most of my childhood out) I woke up to find my brother “showing me his love”. He was touching me and what not. At that age I didn’t have a clue really what he was doing was wrong… Now of course i do. This contiuned for a couple of years… him just touching me and showing me that he cared… then during the day he would be pretending that everything didn’t happened… As i got older i began to understand more of what he was doing and why it was so wrong. when i was around 9ish or so, the touching and making me touch him thing turned worst. He climbed into my bed and raped me. Over and over… Then during the day he would abuse me.. Punching and kicking and everything else. My parents never knew about any of it. They were never really around much and going through there own things, such as a divorce and everything that had to do with that. My brother was always telling me that it was my fault and if i told anyone no one would beleive me because brothers never do that to their sisters. I would just be over reacting to him loving me. Some days he would rape me more than once, sometimes he would leave me alone. it all depended on his mood and what he felt like doing that day. Or that night. The nights were horrible… inever slept because i was always scared… Then as i got older and my body reacted to it… I knew it was my fault. How could something so wrong make my body react like that. I knew it was my fault. Anyway, to leave out most of the other details, this contiune until i was 16 years old… maybe it was even 17. But when i was 14 he moved out of the house finally. I actually thought i was safe again… until he would show up at night… because he missed me. or him and his gf and son would show up for the weekend and hed show up in my room. Why did i allow him at that age (14-17) to contiune to do it… why didn’t i do something to stop him… I can’t believe that i was so much involved in it, yet i wasn’t…. I learned very early on, how to escape… how to go into myself and pretend that it wasn’t happeneing… like none of it was real… like none of it could ever happen to me. I pushed everything out of my head and have never really thought about any of it. As we got older and went our separte ways, and i finally stood up to him and wouldn’t take it anymore, our realtionship changed. he made lots of mistakes and then when everyone else turned there back on him, I was the only one to be there for him. And i just kept pushing everything away, deeper and deeper into the back of my head and my heart. And then about 6 or 7 months ago I got involved into a realtionship with a guy that knew my brother. He was very abusive, pushing me around kicking me, hitting me, everything. I put up with it for a while because i was the one who pushed his buttons, i was the one who made him mad. It was what i deserved because of the past and because of me pushing him. I got pregant and decided that for the child i already had and the relationship that was happeneing… it wasn’t something i could deal with, it wasn’t right. Then about 3 weeks after that, after i had broke it off with him he showed up here and raped me repeatedly for 12 hours. I was nothing more than his rag doll. He told me over and over again it was because of me, because of what i had done in the past and what i would do in the future. I believe him. The hardest part of that night, wasn’t that he raped me, it was that he raped me while my son was sleeping in the room next to us. I couldn’t scream, I could fight him. I again espaced into my head and pretended it wasn’t happeneing. It had to be my fault… I had had sex with him before, and I stopped saying no. I couldn’t go to the police because they too would see it that way. You can’t have sex with someone one time, then turn around and claim rape, especially when you could even say no… So for the last 7 months, i have been beating myself up, hating myself, being depressed, not eating… everything. I have been trying to speak to someone at an assult center and the appointments never work out. But the problem is, that i am so scared… Im scared that they too will see it as my fault. I believe that i’ve lost all hope and I don’t deserve to be freed from this prision ive put myself into. I brought it all on myself.. I either said something or did something. Plus i’m scared that they are going to make me confront my brother and tell my parents. I can’t do either, it will destroy what is left in my family. And then there’s that… i can never get away from my brother… He is a part of my life, weather i want him to be or not… I want peace but i will never have it because i will always have a reminder of what has happened since i was 6. he is part of my life. I’m so sorry that this message is so long, and like i’ve said… there probably isn’t much anyone can say to help me figure this out. I guess i’m scared and i feel so alone. I’ve only ever told one person and that was when this relationship began. She has been an amazing friend and has helped me out and encouraged me to move forward… but that too is hard because i feel like i’m letting her down and pushing her away as well. Again… i’m so sorry this isn’t making sense. i needed to get it off my chest… If there is anything that you can help with please do… anything would be good…
    SCARED

    Like

    Reply

    1. Scared, first let me explain something to you that hopefully will change your mindset of it being your fault. It in no way is your fault, not now not then. Rape is about control, not you. And that is exactly what your brother was doing controlling you, mentally and physically all this time. Also, you can absolutely get away from him and you should. You don’t need to confront him you need to get far away from him and put him in your past. He is not deserving of another minute of your life. This is your life now and you need to take it back. I don’t care if he is blood, he is a rapist and I don’t want you or your son around your brother or the last guy who raped you. You are a mother now and are responsible for your protection and your sons. If I was you I would save every penny I had and move where only the people that love you (not abuse you) know where you are. If you don’t feel you can turn to your family, then it can’t be that difficult to leave them and get your life back. Also, I can promise you that going to counseling will help and you need it. They aren’t going to judge you or blame you, they will help you. This is absolutely necessary so you and your son can have a better life. Even if you don’t think it’s affecting your son, it is. You need to take a self defense class, immediately. And let me tell you that it doesn’t matter if you had consensual sex with someone, they can still rape you and law enforcement and counselors know that. I’ve seen just as many husband/boyfriends rapes as I’ve seen stranger rape. If you are having problems getting into the crisis center for help go to rainn.org and find the nearest counselor to you, but whatever you do just get the professional help you need. And it’s not going to be easy but it’s well worth it and I can promise it’s not as hard as what you’ve already been through. So stop beating yourself up and remember non of this is your fault. You were taken advantage of your trust and love, through control. I’m glad you came here and I hope I’ve helped some. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  37. The attack happened five years ago when i had just turned 16 at a much older friend’s party. I didn’t know him and was too confused to tell anyone at the time. After two years i eventually got the courage to tell my boyfriend of 3 and a half years. After a long depression and two suicide attempts i was referred and had a year of counselling. I was unable to open up though and although i told the counsellor i felt physically unable to discuss in any detail what had happened. She referred me for psychotherapy but at the assessment she didn’t think i was ready. Now 5 months on i feel lost and know i am essentially sabotaging my own recovery but cannot drop the barriers and talk about what has happened. Where do i go from here?

    Like

    Reply

    1. P. You start writing everything out and take it to counseling to open up the dialogue and address specific issues or triggers that you are having. I might try a new counselor too. You can go to rainn.org and find someone that specializes in rape counseling near you. Writing your feelings not only will help you during counseling but it is a mental release that will help your anxiety. You don’t have to tell anyone about it, just do it and get back into counseling. Because if that is the root of your problem with your depression then it must be addressed. it’s not easy but it is worth it and I can promise going through the rape is a lot harder than asking for help. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  38. You have helped Lynn. It helpes to know that people do really care. I love my family so much, that I just feel that if i tell them, then they will blame me… they won’t beleive me… he was always the good kid growing up. With the holidays coming up, i’m scared… I am going to have to see him again… both of them because to make matters worse… my ex leaves with my brother currently and goes whereever he does. So i was just informed tonight that they both are going to be at dinner at both sides of the family. So i am going to have to put everything aside so that my family can have a good hoilday. I can’t not go because then they (my family) are going to hate me for not bringing my son and they wouldn’t understand why i wasn’t going although they all know that i am mad at my brother and at my ex. But unless I tell them the truth they don’t think that there is anything that they could have done to me to make me this pissed off… Anyway, thanks for getting back to me and hopefully one of these appointments with this center works out and I can let you know… Thanks for all the words of encouragment!

    Like

    Reply

  39. For years I have been struggling with the fact that someone could do something so utterably disgusting, it makes me sick to my stomach. My situation is somewhat similar but different altogether. I know what it feels like to be raped repeatedly and not want to endure the gross feeling of not being in control of the situation. That’s the problem. These freaks want all the control, not realizing the damage that they cause afterward. My strongest emotion is LOVE, but it has also turned out to be my weakest. Wanting to forgive it but so damn mad about it has caused me not to trust anybody. I’m looking for the time when I can just heal and not have to think about it or hear about, or wonder why in the world someone would choose to violate a person in such a manner. NO means NO and there is no justification for it period……..

    Like

    Reply

  40. i was raped by my cousin bother when i was about 5 and he was about 8. he used t do it everytime i went for holihay’s . ieverytime i went back home i had to visit a docter because i had virginal pains and one time my docter asked if was there anyone touching me there i said no cause i was afraid. i enjoyed being there because i was the little one there and i got all the attention. the day that haunts me the worst is when he showed me his middle finger and he asked me do i know whats that and i replied no and he said he will show me that night he did show me and no one noticed i thing. i never told anyone up until yesreday. he raped me for 8 years and one in the family suspected a thing. when i think about it now he wanted me out of his houe that he would be the last one again and he would get all the attention back to him again.

    Like

    Reply

    1. L. Hopefully the person you told was a counselor because you (all rape victims) need professional help. No one can brush this under the rug and think the effects will go away in time because they won’t. However it can get better if you learn how to deal with it the proper way. I’m very concerned also because he is family and I would hope that you are staying away from him no matter what. He had control over you for a very long time and when a rapist can get away with it and doesn’t get in trouble it will most likely happen again which is why it went on for so long. Get away from him and get the professional help you need. Call your local crisis center or go to rainn.org to find the nearest counselor that specialized is rape. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  41. i got date raped by my bestfriend after 4years spent on this guy..
    i heard rumors but this boy is a hugeeee minipulator and liar..
    it was a year ago..
    i’ve been in counsiling for it. it wasn’t grusome..
    and luckily i didn’t black out.
    long story short he’s done this to sooooo many girls.
    i reported him. and reported the rumors i’ve heard about other girls.
    the investigator found 8 girls. he got charged with four.
    he’s in jail for 19 months and he’ll be out next year..
    i feel like i shouldn’t still think about it. but he comes up every single day in my head. and i’ve tried intence emdr therapy for it but it never worked.. i feel i’m weak since i’m always crying about it.

    Like

    Reply

  42. ooh and then i heard from this guy who went to court that this guy admitted it.. i got sooo happy that he was actually ecknowledging it..
    but then when i was asking the guy about it he said my rapist was admitting why he was going to jail with a smirk…… but i was being stupid by thinking he would of maybe felt bad.. that was just hopeful thinking since me and him have been through so much [lies] but still… idk

    Like

    Reply

    1. Si. You are probably still upset because #1) you know he’s getting out and #2) you are scared. It’s not like a stranger that you will hopefully never see again so it is completely understandable that you are still feeling anxious. First of all kudos to you for reporting it and helping get him off the street, for a while anyway. We can only hope he has learned his lesson. He can smirk all he wants and a guy that has done if that many times isn’t going to feel bad. BUT that doesn’t mean he hasn’t learned his lesson because I can promise you when he gets out he will be on parole and if he even looks crossed eyed at another girl he will be back in jail so keep that in mind. I think you need to get back in counseling to help your anxiety, because there is not ime limit, the only time we know if when we feel better and you have to go through the bad to get to the good. I also think you should take a self defense class, maybe get a bid dog if you are worried he’ll come around or even if you can move so he doesn’t know where you are. Not saying he will do anything else, this is all for you and your own peice of mind. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  43. I’m kind of struggling with this one, as it’s a bit in the grey area. Basically, I got extremely drunk in celebration (I hadn’t drank in months, and just felt carefree that something good was finally happening after a rough few months). There were three guys there, one of which I knew from hanging out with a few times. I did a lot of shots in a short period of time, with two of the guys doing close to the same amount. I’m quite small, and they, not so much. Basically after a while I felt the alchohol, a lot, to the point where I felt disconnected. The guy I knew started kissing me, which I didn’t mind per se, but I was still past drunk. Next thing I know he’s bringing me into a room, which I might have thought was for the purpose of letting me sleep it off, not sure. I kind of blacked out a bit I think, since I don’t remember much, but next thing I know the two guys are forcing themselves on me orally and vaginal penetration. The third I think was watching, I’m not sure. I had taken off the shorts from under my dress, but part of me thinks that was probably because I thought I was going to bed. I don’t know if this is rape or not. My brain finally decided to work after a while, and I jumped up, saying I wasn’t comfortable with this and ran home crying. I just bawled, even though I couldn’t fully process, I felt like something horrible had happened. I managed to tell a friend the next day, and as I was conversing with her, the word rape kept running through my head. Was it?

    Like

    Reply

    1. N. You are right it is a grey area and this is typically how I determine whether or not it is rape. Since I wasn’t there I will let you ask yourself and maybe try and remember as best you can. If at any point you said No or through body language of clearly pushing them away and then they force themselves on you after you made it clear to back off, then it is sexual assault. So it is really when this happened. If it did not happen before any of the sexual touching started happening it is very hard to determine and I know you don’t remember a lot. But guys do get aggressive when they are drinking and will wait until a girl gets to the “out of it” stage to take advantage and consensual sex is only when “both” parties agree in a mental state that they are aware to do so. But when everyone is drinking like you said, it is hard sometimes to piece things together. And unfortunately there is a lot of people out there that have drunken sex or start to and then regret it because they dropped their inhibitions or weren’t fully aware of their surroundings. So this one is going to have to fall back on your memory. Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  44. I was physically abused by an ex boyfriend on several occassions 6 years ago and it is only now that I have finally come to terms with the fact that what I experienced was rape. Regardless of the fact that I was in a relationship it was rape. Dealing with this realisation has sometimes been difficult and I get confused why I am now more affected than I was back then. At the time I felt numb and went out on a spree to find sexual partners-just trying to prove that I was back in control, when really I was anything but in control. Then I found another boyfriend and with him I refused to sleep with him for two years- never explaining why. I don’t understand why I had this reaction. Then I went to university and was back to my old tricks before finally settling a little thanks to good friends. I still didn’t talk about anything until about 9 months ago, but having friends who cared about me as a person helped. I feel much more in control now but it has taken me a long time to acknowledge that it even happened. I am now a confident young woman and am proud that I never let what happened get in the way of my life… but am worried I haven’t dealt with things correctly.

    Like

    Reply

    1. F. It is a normal response to reject what happened to you and try and live a normal life (or what we believe to be normal, more like in control). But I’m glad you are doing better now. I personally believe if you haven’t had professional counseling then the situation probably wasn’t dealt with correctly. It is never too late especially if you want a successful relationship in your future. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  45. hi, i dont really know what im doing on here i just stumbled upon this site and thought id give it a go. i was attacked 3years ago, i didnt report him and ive never been to a councillor! ive never been able to say “that word” and ive never really cried about it ive just put it to the back of my mind and tried to get on with things, i cant seem to let go of my emotions cause im scared that if i do it will never stop! i spoke to my friend and i wrote it all down for her and she read it and told me i need to realise it wasnt my fault and i need to say “that word” and ever since it happened he has been hassling me and threatening me! i dont know what to do?!

    Like

    Reply

    1. L. Until you deal with rape it is like your shadow that will never leave, no matter how much you try to avoid it. The only way to deal is to face it head on learn how to move forward, if you don’t it will always be there and rear it’s ugly head when you least expect it. Go to rainn.org or even your local crisis center and get the help you need. I will promise you the more emotions you let out the more room you have to heal. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  46. Thank you so much i feel better . And yes he doesn’t get out for a year so i shouldn’t stress over it until that day comes. i’m doing mma with my dad so that should help when & if the time comes. thankkkkkkkkk you.

    Like

    Reply

  47. I just been raped 2 days ago I don’t know what to do about how I am feeling inside. After I had this done to me I found out that I can no longer stay where I was living so thats even more stress on me to much for me to deal with on my own right now and I don’t know who to go to for help.
    I am to afraid to be by my own and I’m to afraid to go outside after what had happen to me. I can’t go to my family for help because they was never around when I needed them the most before in my past when something like this happened to me as a kid at 5 years and when I was a teen so I know that they will not be here for me for this one too. Please tell me what I an do?

    Like

    Reply

    1. C. you need to go to rainn.org and find a professional counselor near you or even try your local crisis center if you have one. The crisis center might even be able to offer ideas on where to live. But you need to get counseling so you know that you are not alone and that someone is there to help you and support you which is what you need right now. Do you have a friend that you can turn to for help or even to stay with a couple days until you figure out where to live? Just let them know what happened and ask for their help for a couple days. In the meantime, you need to get into counseling asap. The longer you wait the longer your healing process will be and since this just happened it would be most beneficial to your overall circumstance now. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  48. its so hard to deal with this when i talk to people all they do is say how annoying i am n when i cry they laugh at me i feel so bad everyday i dont no how to go on with this wh ycant i be happy with my boyfriends no its like an on and off relationship n he thanks im cheating i jus want help to get through the thunder since i got throigh the rain

    Like

    Reply

  49. How do I find someone to help me. I think my son was drugged and raped by relatives and their druggie friends. I can’t get myself to ask him directly if he was raped. I need help this haunts me everyday. He slept for days after that and then the next day had an accident in his pants. He seems depressed not doing nothing for his future. Please, please, please help me.

    Like

    Reply

    1. T. I would start by trying to get him to the doctor. He might be suffering from post traumatic stress disorder if he was raped. The doctor would be able to talk to him in confidence as well as see if he has PTSD, in which case IF he did he most likely would be put on meds to help. Secondly, get him into therapy. Don’t say anything about rape, I would say that you are scared about his depression and would like him to talk to someone that can help. BUT you can’t force him to do anything because if he’s not ready he’s not ready and it isn’t going to benefit him. Let him know that he can talk to you about anything that you won’t judge him and that you love him. That’s all you can do is make sure he knows you are always there for him. Don’t talk about it to others in your family either unless they know something and are coming to you. Because the only way he will ever come to you is if he feels he can trust you and that means not talking about it with others unless he wants you to. Hope that helps! Lynn

      Like

      Reply

  50. I knew the man who raped me. I didn’t know he was gay or a rapist. He was several years older than I in high school. Several religious denominations have run me out of the church because “since you knew the name of your rapist then it wasn’t rape.” I am ridiculed at work and church. I am a Christian man of heterosexual orientation. A group of gay men at my church wanted to have sex with me, but I turned them down because I wasn’t interested and not because I was passing judgement on them. When I wouldn’t give them what they wanted they had someone viciously beat me and rape me. It was premeditated to get even. I feel scarred and ostracized for something that was out of my control.

    Like

    Reply

    1. J. Well I hope you turned this person – people in to the police. If you didn’t, I understand but I sure think in this case it would have been better. Rape is about control and this circumstance it is control at it’s finest. I’m so so very sorry that you have had to endure this abuse and to think that it was by a group of men at your church is being the best hypocrite! Do they not know what church is about, everyone is equal. That is just crazy to me and I hope you already know that this church or even the others that stated such things like you knew your rapist then it wasn’t rape is ludacris and I would be getting as far away from those churches as I could. DON’T give up on your faith though I beg of you, just find new people. Call your local crisis center or go to rainn.org and find the nearest counselor to you and get yourself in counseling. Not only is this a breach of you personal life but your faith as well. Hopefully you have a local crisis center because I’m sure they could refer you to a house of God that would work for you, just don’t give up on yourself or God because you are worth it. Just remember none of this was your fault and what happened to you doesn’t define you, only the group of people that did this to you. I can promise you one thing whether you reported them or not they will be answering to God and he will take care of them for the bad hurtful things they did to you. So you get as far away from them as possibly, leave it in Gods hands and take care of yourself because you are worth it and you are not going to let them control the rest of your life or they win. And they can’t win if you leave it in Gods hands. Get counseling and take back control of your life through professional help. Stay strong! Lynn

      Like

      Reply

Leave a reply to G Cancel reply