If you’re feeling lost and looking for some inspiration or would like to talk with someone that will not pass judgment on you, please feel free to contact me by leaving a comment at the end of this post. Posts are kept anonymous. Definitely take a minute to check out all the content. Is your rape controlling you? Well this website is to help YOU GET BACK IN CONTROL. It is to offer anonymous, encouraging ideas which can hopefully help rape survivors deal with their emotions, which is a necessary process in order to start the healing process. I thought as a survivor, with a year of personal counseling under my belt, and currently a rape counselor (my purpose in life now) why not share what I’ve learned with those in need. I know as a survivor the variety of mixed emotions, that can seem almost impossible to deal with at times, that affect you in your everyday life. As a counselor for 5 years I’ve also been exposed to a lot of different situations and types of rape. Please know you are not alone and you don’t have to be!.
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Dealing with Rape 
i am having trouble dealing with my rape i dunno what to do i feel like no one understands what i am going through i mean i feel so dirty and so lost i am afraid to go out with friends and hang out with them for fear that i might have a flash back or something and freak them out. i had a night terror the other night and i went into the shower and i scubbed myself to the point to where my skin was raw and red….i feel like it was my fault this is my second rape not counting my ex boyfriend and well i thought i would know how to deal with this there are times where i am sittin there watching tv and something will just trigger a flash back and i flip out i dunno how to get rid of them i want the nightmares and the flash backs to go away i wanna be clean and feel like myself again what do i do to feel like that again
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K. You need to seek professional help, especially if this has happened twice. You need to realize this was not your fault and forgive yourself for thinking it was! That is your first step. I promise you I know you didn’t want it to happen to you so how could it be your fault? Think about is this way, it doesn’t define you as a person, it is just an act that happened to you and is now in your past. You need to put all that blame on your attacker because it is his fault and it does define him, as a rapist! You were only the victim and now trying to become a survivor. You can do it but you have to put the effort into it. It will be hard at first but as you can see from the first rape, it doesn’t go away and it is hard too! So find a therapist or you can go to rainn.org to find one near you. Remember we were not born to grow up and know how to deal with rape, which is why you can’t on your own. In the meantime, write out your thoughts at the end of everyday, since you are already having night tremmors, I would suggest everynight before going to bed and write out all your thoughts, good or bad just to get them out of your head. Forgive yourself, get help and write every night as a release. Also, think about taking a self defense class, I think that would really help you also. It will take time but it is worth it, YOU are worth it. Stay strong! Lynn
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hey lynn.
i was molested/raped when i was younger around the age of 6;; it went on for about 1 to 2 yrs. i never told a sole because this guy was as close to a father i could ever get to. he did things that my dad never did. i was molested by him on my 11th birthday and ever since than i never liked having a party i always do nothing. but i told my mom when i turned around the age of 14 i wrote it to her and a letter. she didnt even say anything and that made me mad at her because i felt that it was her fault for leaving me over his house the first time it happened. but it was my fault for letting it go on for so long rite?? but anyways when i was 19 this guy that i use to date i never had sex with him and he always use to ask constantly but i ended up dating him..but anyways one day he came over my house with his friend which my friend was dating and i had a bf at the time. i went in my room but i didnt lock the door he came behind me…and he got me on the bed and wouldnt let me get up and he was much stronger than me and pretty much i told him no but he kept kissing me and holding me down so i thought if i just give it to him and just stop fighting back than it wouldnt be so bad because i let him and he didnt take it but i didnt want to but i knew if i didnt he would of took it anyways.. while he was doing it i was completly numb all i could think about was the older man and the past that molested/raped me. i’ve gained weight i dont sleep really good anymore im not happy i constantly get anger so fast. i wish i could just go back to my normal happy self. i hate when i hear my family say they remember when i use to be this kind happy little girl and i remember. but its so hard for me to go back in become the old me it seems impossible no matter how much i try. i kno i need help but it cost money to talk to someone professional.
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T. I’m so very sorry this has happened to you twice, I do understand how difficult this is. What I got out oof this is that you know you need counseling, yeah!!!! At least you understand that because most don’t and I want you to go to rainn.org and I know you will find someone & even try your local crisis center if you have one. The other thing I know and I know you realize but just not sure if you are getting it yet. You know you didn’t do anythign wrong. You know you tried to get him to stop… You know you felt threatned.. this is all rape which means it only describes him NOT you. It is something that happened to you, you didn’t do anything to ask for it. You responded because you knew what would happen and went into safety mode, which is common and keeps a lot of people alive, even though what happened to them is so very difficult to deal with after the fact. But right then when it is happening you are just trying to get through it, which is safety mode and what most people in your situation do. So forgive yourself for doing the natural and understand this desrcibes him as a rapist, not you as an individual. If anything you are a survivor and should and will be proud that you had the strength to get through it, if even only yourself understands, thats really all that matters. You know you need help and your recovery will only be as strong as the effort you put into it. So stay strong, you are worth it. Lynn
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its been 6 weeks now, and all i wanted to know and talk to was someone who’d understand my fears, and there was none person out there, i know i wasnt searching enough, but the counsellors i saw only twice, werent of much help, or i think so, because i dont need a listening stranger, i needed a stranger who’d connect with me, with what i was at that moment.
i have been surfing the enternet, and today when i came across this site, my God, i dont belief it, the comments and stories of people i dont know, yet it brings me so closer to their world. i thank you, for coming closer to me……
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Lynn,
i feel confused, and feelings that i have a mixed up, one moment i feel strong and ready to move on, the next i am messed up, and feel all dirty inside, the most difficult thing is bathing, i wish i’d insert a running pipe inside my vigina and clean and dry myself out. and the feelings of sexual entercourse, penetration and the stink of alcohol, all, disgust me. and at times, again, one moment i feel like having sex, i dont understand my emotions. the next i want to get pregnant quickly, if i could get pregnant from rape, then i want to get pregnant from my choice, right now, like its that easy….when i want to cry i struggle as i am never alone, my friend and family are always with me and the moment the see me silent and sad, they dont give me a chance to let it out, the last time i cried was that terrible 12november night, when i was running to my neighbours’ i cried and shouted at the top of my voice, running away from my house, from the 2 men who had broken into, while i was sleeping.
the moment the police came and took me to the hospital, my eyes were bruised and green and blue and red with blood, my tears were bloodred! i couldnt cry because it hurt badly, the tearglands hurt badly all i felt was dirt and numb and shame. like the doctors and nurses and the police could see the dirt in my…the semen and blood in my undies, the stares of people queing in the hospital benches……..
how do you deal with such thoughts and emotions at the same time, and how do i begin to trust what i feel and think. i really want to hear from you soonest.
my boyfriend of 6 months whom i havent seen since August 4th,2009 because he travels a lot on duty, and stays faraway, in Cameroon, has not been communicating since i broke the news to him in details a week later, after i only wrote him, saying ”babe, 2 men broke in the house last night, and hurt me, reall bad.” he never responded.
and a week later wrote every detail. i think i needed to know for sure what was keeping him silent, so now i know. though he called me early December to tell me what happened does not change what he feels for me, and that he saw all the mails i wrote. but Lynn, its not enough, nothing is enough, crying is not enough, eating is not enough, sleeping is not enough, talking is not enough, healing is so faraway…..
talk to me.
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D. First try not to worry about your boyfriend or lack of one because now is the test of true love and discover if they will really be there when you need them, which it sounds like he isn’t. Better you find out now than later. Moving on to what is the most important and that is you! We were not wired when born on how to deal with rape therefore you need professional counseling. I’m glad I was able to help but try to go to rainn.org and see if they have anyone near you, because the people they recommend deal with rape survivors a lot. Also tell your family and friends/boyfriend that you appreciate their support, but the best support they can give you is to be a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen to you and to help make you feel more secure and safe, nothing else. And tell them when you need to let it out to let you, because the more you let out the more room you have to heal. Not letting you feel what you need when you need it is not helping in anyway. They can’t help you the way you need to be helped and you will only get better but as much time you committ to it. It won’t be easy but if you don’t get professional help now and you feel this bad, it will only get more deep rooted by waiting, trust me. Until you get to a counselor have you tried writing out your feelings, good or bad just writie in a journal everyday so you can help figure out what triggers the bad and then also what brings you happineess, so you know in your future things to stay away from and things to focus on. Then you might want to take it to counseling and share some of your thoughts or trigger points and you won’t forget them, so they can help you deal too. I’m so sorry this happened to you, it is horrible but you can and will get through this. Have you seen your personal doctor also to see if you might have ptsd (post traumatic stress disorder), based on this type of rape it occurs a lot, but only your professional doctor would be able to help with that. If they feel you do have this they might be able to put you on medicaation that can help, but that is not a permanent answer, fyi. Getting your head straight and taking care of yourself is the most important. Take care and stay strong! Lynn
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hey lynn,
i was raped in the end of november…. by this guy that i have know for 5 years …. i really dont know what to say…. but all i can say right now is that i still am really scared, about everything and it has been 2 months…. and i cry like every night about it…. and it is just really hard to get over…. and i am getting help for it …. but i still have flash backs from that night … i just dont know what to do….
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am, First of all crying is good because you are letting out your feelings instead of pushing them deep inside. I know it’s difficult but let it out when you need to and don’t worry about what anyone thinks or says because the more you let it out the more room you are making to heal. I hoped you have turned him in but if not I understand that too, I really do. If you didn’t and because you’ve known him for 5 years you need to immediately take a self defense class to help you feel better physically and emotionally. Secondly, either go to rainn.org and find a counselor near you that specializes in rape or at the very least start writing every night before you go to bed as a release. This will help with the flashbacks, maybe not right away but once you trust that you can let your emotions out of you head onto paper they won’t bother you as much in your head and you can get a better quality sleep. I actually suggest both, counseling and writing and then when you go to counseling you can take your notes (or not) and possible discover what triggers you and how to handle the triggers. The fact that you knew this guy for so long and he did this to you totally screws with your trust factor and your own judgment but you need to understand it isn’t about you! It is about control on his part. All rape is about control, not the person they do it to, but about them having control over someone else drawn from their own insecurities. If you didn’t turn him in or get a conjunction against him then you need to take a self defense class right away, because he knows you and he thinks he has control of you. Prove him wrong and take care of yourself and don’t let him dictate the rest of your life because then he wins and we can NOT have that, can we! Stay strong! Lynn
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Hi Lynne,
I am at the other end of the spectrum and dont know what to make of things, my girlfriend of 1 year was recently date raped by a number of men whilst on holiday.
On the night of the event i had recieved calls to my phone and could hear her screaming and crying, i did not know what was going on until she contacted me about 5 hours later crying saying she wanted to come home. I have not told her about the phone calls i recieved.
I have given her all my support and love but i feel she does not trust me. She is being very brave about the situation and is seeking councilling and keeping a journal ( this happend on the 22nd December 2009 ) .
I feel she is remembering more and more as every night since the incident she goes to sleep and then about an hour or so into her sleeping she is taken back there and relives it – she does not wake up but goes into a hypnotic type state, i try wake her up but no responce, if i touch her or try hold her it scares her more and more.
I understand that she does not want to remember the events but i do not want her to have to live it alone and i want to carry some of this burden for her.
She only told me that two weeks after the event she is still bleeding from her vagina and anus. i want her to go to a doctor for this but she does not want to at all.
listening to her sleep at night i can tell she was fighting it as well as playing an active role in it. The attackers made her wake up every time and look at their faces every time someone else raped her.
I am worried she is putting on a brave face but silently dying inside, before the incident she was a completely differant person to what she is now.
She has latched onto me in the sense that she wont do anything without me, even go to the bathroom i have to wait outside, this is not an issue but i am worried she is not dealing with it.
She also wants to have sex with me, i am saying no because she is badly damaged down there and i am scared she will associte me with her attackers. i have expressed to her that i do not see her as damged goods and we have to wait until she is healed. she says she wants to do this because she only wants memeories of me and not the attackers.
A part of me wants to know exactly what has happened to her but i do not want her to have to live it and go through it again.
Currently i am getting no sleep maybe 2 hours if i am lucky but am to afraid to tell her about her dreams. she only remembers some of them but not he whole extent.
1.) Is it important for her to tell me what happened as she remembers it?
2.) The fact that she may have played an active role really scares her, is this possible?
3.) Is it right for me to refuse sex with her?
4.) as i do not want her to have to relive the event buy telling me, is there a sort of norm. that occurs in these types of events?
Thanks, even just writing it down makes me feel better.
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C. I’m so glad that you love her and support her and she is very lucky to have you and I want to personally thank you for seeking help for her and I hope I can help. First and formost based on what you told me she needs to see a doctor. You need to get her either her doctor she can trust or find a new female doctor but I believe (& I’m not a medical professional) that she is definitely going through PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). If she can’t function alone still she needs professional help. First I mean by a medical doctor and then counseling. You can go to rainn.org and find a counselor near you but I need you to get her to a physician first. She has no reason to feel shame in this. No one wants to talk about it but everyone wants help so one has to give and hopefully they will eventually realize that getting help is better than dealing on your own. You can go through my hundreds of posts and see that not a one has been able to deal with it by themselves. Maybe show her, then she will realize she is not alone, not to blame and want to get help after reading these posts. In fact I’m not going to post yours to me just my response so hopefully it will make her interested in seeing she isn’t alone and how others have the same feelings and now know they can’t do it themselves. It is NOT important for her to tell you everything as she remembers it UNLESS she wants to, that should be up to her so don’t push it. What is important is that she talks to a counselor, either through a local crisis center, counselor, eap program through work, church, just someone professional. As far as the active role that will all come out with counseling and how to handle that, but I seriously doubt that happened to have this affect on her. A lot of people feel that way because they go into a self protection role and do what they are told because they fear that something worse can happen, like ending up dead or severly beaten. As this time I think you are right to not have sex with her because I think she is wanting it for the wrong things and she thinks that is gonna make her feel whole again, but it won’t. It might make her feel temporarily better and closer to you but it is just a quick fix. So be romantic and trustworthy and supportive and when you think the time is right then OK but if not until she gets herself checked out from a physician and God forbid you end up doing it before she is shecked out you MUST wear a condom, and I don’t think that will go over very well with her unless you are currently using one, you know! So I think your judgment on that is correct, get her checked out and go from there, but offer to go with her and support her, it will help her trust in you. As far as the last question, I don’t think you are the person that she needs to relive the event with, it needs to be someone impartial and a professional. She’ll tell you what and when she feels like it and if she doesn’t, NO questions from you, it all has to be on her terms. This is the one time a women is allowed and accepted to be selfish because it is a serious violation that is stuck with us the rest of our lives. BUT when we trust it wasn’t our fault and get the appropriate help we can live a more enriched life and I’m here to prove it. She is lucky to have you and don’t give up on her, it’s a hard road but you both can get through it. But it is a fact she will only improve as much as the work she puts into it, so help her understand that. Stay strong and thanks again for your support! Lynn
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I was date raped by my boyfriend last summer. My boyfriend and I were inmate before the rape. He moved into my house (he had no place of his own and I’m too nice sometimes so it just happend) and was living with me at the time of the incident. A month before the rape, my grandmother was put into the hospital. She died in the hospital a couple weeks later. Her being in the hospital caused me to not be home often and frankly distant from my boyfriend. I was worried about my grandma, we all knew she was dying. It was just a matter of time. Her death was very difficult for my family and I. My father took it the hardest. I wasn’t all that close with her growning up because she was in a different state but the last few years she moved to my town and we got to know her (I know this isn’t about the rape, sorry!) At the time of the rape, I was working two jobs. The second job was mainly for something to do at night and the weekends and it was something I enjoyed. Well, my grandmother’s funeral was on a Wednesday. That following Friday, I was raped. I came home from my real job and had a little over an hour to get ready for my second job. I decided I want to just play a video game for a lil while and just relax a lil before work. I needed some time to myself. My boyfriend had other ideas. He was upset because I hadn’t “put out” for some time. He knew I had to work and he wanted a piece before I went to my second job. I went into our bedroom to take off my uniform and to get into my other uniform. Then it would be time for the video games. Well, my lovely boyfriend (rolling my eyes as I say that!) was just waking up as I came in. I started to change clothes and before I was able to put the other uniform on he pulled me onto the bed. He started kissing me and I told him that I wasn’t in the mood. That I just needed some time a little time to myself before I had to go to work. He complained that it had been a while and that he “needed” me. I kept telling him no. He wouldn’t stop. I’m not a very big person… in fact he is at least one foot taller than me and 1oo pounds heavier. I didn’t think to scream. Well I guess, I did think to scream but I was scared what he’d do to me. Or what he’d do to my roomie (who’s just a lil taller than me) who was in her room sleeping if she came to the rescue. No matter how many times I would say no… he kept going. No matter how many times I told him it hurt… he wouldn’t stop. He only stopped when he had enough. I didn’t report it to the cops. I told my friend from work who told my roomie. My roomie kicked him out of our house that very night. Everytime I see a car that looks like his or even it was the same model or color, my heart starts racing. Sometimes, I can’t sleep. I’m scared he will come in and rape me again. I have moved since the rape but he knows where I live. Sometimes I have nightmares of the rape. I don’t trust guys. Everytime a guy tries to get close to me… even as friends… I either doubt his intentions or I pull away. I’ve been given a couple hotlines to call to help me. I know a couple counselors but I can’t call them. I can’t face them. I am scared they will tell me it is my fault or that I could have pervented it. I’m scared they’ll make me call the cops. I don’t need that. I live in a small town and I don’t want everyone to know what happend. I don’t want to be looked at as a victim. I just wanna deal with it. I just want my life back. I want to trust again.
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N. If you really do want to deal with it and not be the victim you have to get professional help. Not sure where you live but where I live when you go to a counselor it can not be repeated to anyone by law. If you are ready to deal with it an try to get your life back to being as normal as possible you need therapy and I would probably take a self defense class. Always be aware of your surroundings and make sure someone knows where you are at all times. You can even have a safety word between you and your roomie that you both know if that word is said to get help immediately. If you have pepper spray you can keep that with you, these things will help with your sense of security. The therapy will help you deal. Have you checked with rainn.org, they can direct you to someone close to you that specializes in rape counseling. By the way, more people know their rapist than don’t and it is about control, not you. So when trusting the next man (or trying to) remember that, it is all about control. So look at controlling actions you see them do or say, it is a red flag that you need to know how to recognize now. Hope this helps. Stay strong! Lynn
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hello Lynn,
thank you for writing back, i really appreciate your work. it feels better everytime i read from you and all other writers and survivors. i write a lot, infact i love writing, so this has also helped me put my emotions across on paper and storing them away, thats waht i do now. i have a good doctor. tell me what happens when suddenly you do not trust your doctor? when suddenly you think he is developing some feelings that are outside other than those of caring and support. maybe am being paranoid. he is my main support system, i talk to him eveyrhing but then suddenly i thought it was too much, maybe its my imagination. because he calls me, to check on me, and everytime i feel like talking i go see him.
he prescribed sleeping tablets for me, he doesnt know i have not taken them since, that is three days ago. i dont want to sleep, i am afraid when i wake up there will be someone or people in the house to hurt me or something. i read, i write, i watch tv and it doesnt make me sleep, i stay there, waiting and staring at the door, i dont know what goes in in my mind, but eventually wehn i sleep i wake up with a start and realise its time to go to work.
i do not want to sleep and not be able to wake up, i dont want to be uconconscious i believe the tablets will make me sleep too much. i want to sleep wehn am sure there is someone am with, my mom is coming to see me on the 17th, thats when i will take the medication, at the moment, am staring at the ceiling.
but otherwise i appreciate you.
thank you.
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D. If your doc is making you feel uncomfortable then maybe you could change to a female therapist. If he hasn’t made any advances verbally or physically and has only called you off hours, he probably is OK. But at the same time trust your instinct and if he evers makes an innapropriate gesture, don’t you ever see him again and report him. It has been known for people to pray on the vulnerable so because I don’t know this doc keep your eyes wide open and know he can not cross any line and if he does you run like hell. I’m glad your mom is coming because sleep is a big part in the healing process. You have to regenerate your body and mind. If your doc evers shows up unexpectidly at your house that is innapropriate, fyi. If he hasn’t then don’t worry about taking the sleeping pills, just make sure you go to bed early and set your alarm. I’m glad you are writing, it truly does help. Glad I can help you too! Stay strong! Lynn
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Lynn ,
I am underage and was pressured into drinking one night . My friends older brother game home , molested , and I raped me when I passed out . Is it my fault ? I feel as if no one understands
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M.
IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! How could it be when you are passed out. Please believe me when I say it’s not your fault because until you believe that you can’t start the road to mental recovery. The people that don’t understand are the people that haven’t been raped. No one is put on this earth understanding how to deal with rape and the only ones that do are doctors and the people that are forced to deal with it, the victims. I hope you went through the website to help find ways of coping. But the best way is through a professional counselor. You can go to rainn.org and find one that specializes in rape in your area. Even if you have a local Crisis Center they might have counseling there and maybe for free. It is worth it, so you can get passed this and move on with your life. Stay strong! Lynn
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hello Lynn,
trully, this feels like talking to you face to face, and reading from other survivors feels like seating together in a group. i havent seen the doctor since the prescription he gave me, when he called i told him i will not take the tablets because i would not relly on them. my mom came and went, sleeping got a little better, and now its gotten back to staying awake for longer hours, when i manage to fall asleep, i wake up again in between short sleeps startled and would quickly check windows and ohh its hell getting frightened again and feeling so helpless.
i am sorry my doc disappoited me, it was beginning to feel ok, like talking to someone, i think the reason i think he started doing all those inappropriate things is, i opened too much to him, i talked to him about everything i was feeling, becaus i wasnt sure if it was anything normal for somebody whos been assaulted, like there was a time i told him i had feelings of horny/having sex the rough and dirty way. i think it gave him ideas, wrong ones.
i have started going to church, and its beautiful feeling the love of God. but i cannot help feeling and asking why he let those men touch me, just the thought of it makes me cry, and hurt so bad.
i turned 30 on january 20, and that evening i bought myself a muffin and waited until mom was asleep, took it out and prayed before i ate it. i feel like i am starting life again, over, and at age 1. do u understand that kind of feeling?
and my boyfriend is talking to me, am sure i told you in my last write. after a long long time of being silent on me. he is supposed to come next month. he writes every day, he calls to see how i am. but i am still angry at him, i needed those calls and mails the first days and weeks i was bruised, not now. he has a lot to answer to.
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d.
I’m glad you are going to church and it is helping. I think I would take the pills to see if they helped IF someone was staying the night that you trusted like your mom. Sleep deprivation will NEVER help the situation. It is one very important part of mental healing, a good sound sleep. I’m assuming the pills are NOT from the doctor that disapointed you, if they are DO NOT take them. But if they are from a new doc then yes I would trust him if you need the sleep and aren’t getting it, but like I said when someone is with you that you can trust. I’m glad the website helps, that is what it is for, so none of us feel so alone. Stay strong! Lynn
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its been six years now and i am stilled very bothered by what happened all those years ago.. i have told my ex boyfriend while i was with him but we never really spoke about it again.. i also told my current boyfriend and he said he will support me etc. but he is convinced that i should get professional help since its still bothering me.. he also says that one of my main problems is that i have no output.. all these things go into my head and are processed but never get out..i tried writing it all down and at first it felt good but the thing is that i never honestly wrote down everything i wanted about how i was feeling cause i was afraid someone would find it and read it and discover what happened (noone in my family or other friends know and i want to keep it that way) so i gave that up.
So, i really really really dont want professional help. Probably cause im also scared of the confrontation (which my boyfriend says is also my problem). But there must be another way.. i think i can feel comfortable enough with my boyfriend to continously talk about it and he made it clear that he’s there for me anytime i would need him, but i dont want to over-do it and load him with all my problems..
i dont know what to do now.. i dont want professional help and really want to manage with just my boyfriend but dont want to burden him..
what could i do? i know its quite difficult since i dont want professional help and i refuse to talk about it to my family and other friends, there is no chance what so ever that i would! its only my boyfriend who i am willing to semi-talk to about it..
is it possible to heal without professional help?
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W.
I have to be honest and 100% agree with your boyfriend and let me explain why. To start none of us are put on this earth to understand or comprehend on dealing with rape. The only people that do are the medical professionals and the people that have been raped and chose to deal with it. So yes your boyfriend will be there as a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen to but he is helpless too. Honestly it’s not fair to either of you to put the pressure on him. If you don’t deal with it, it will always be your shadow, and you never out run your shadow. If you read through these posts a lot of them are from people that have buried them and years later they still aren’t over it and it has done nothing but ruined their lives by controlling them. You will only heal as much as you put the effort into it. So how much do you want to heal? Only you & counselor can help yourself. As far as the writing, if it helped you start again but shred the pages when you’re done. I think that is also an excellent release and if it is working why would you stop? Start again and just shred it when you are done, it will help you to feel better, along with other ideas on my website pages. Go to rainn.org and find a counselor close to you that deals with rape, for yourself, your boyfriend and me! Stay strong! Lynn
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Lynn,
Ever since it happened I have been dealing with nightmares, anxiety issues and body issues. It happened quite a while back and I thought I was dealing with it just fine but I realized that developing an eating disorder is not considered dealing with it. Right after it actually stopped ( it went on for several years) I started to develope an eating disorder. The ED gave me control over my body back. I ate less and less so my breasts and my butt would get smaller. Because face it, that’s what HE wanted. I don’t understand why I waited until it was over to develope an ED. If I would have started starving myself right away then maybe he wouldn’t have wanted me no more. Here we go with the IF…I know. I know I can’t change the past and I have to move on and I was doing just fine for a while there but as soon as life gets stressful or something is out of the order, all the nightmares and the anxiety are coming back. I never could fix my body issues. When I look in the mirror I refuse to believe that this is my body. That body I am looking at is dirty and used….just disgusting and no matter how many showers I take…I just can’t wash the dirt off. The dirt is on there because I didn’t fight enough.
When I am in a relationship I feel like all he wants is my body..not me. I know that the man I am with right now loves me but every once in a while that feeling comes back especially when touches me or complains that we do not have enough sex. It’s like all I am to this world is a body. When I get compliments from men about my body I get scared … I hate it. It’s like all alarm bells go off.
The last time it happened it was like an outofbody experience. It was like i was standing right next to the bed and was watching HIM on top of me. And all I did was lay there, cry and think of a field of flowers ( that was always my happy place).
I went through a stage where I would just give men what they wanted..my body, hoping that maybe one will see that I am more than just a body but as you can imagine it made things only worse.
I hated myself even more after that.
I am at a point now where I can enjoy sex with my boyfriend as long as things are going my way. When I feel just a little bit of pressure I find it disgusting. I know I am driving my poor boyfriend crazy with this. He knows what happened but no details. He says I need to move on and forget about it which makes me angry because if we could all just forget about it we wouldn’t need websites like this or rape crisis centers. When I try to explain my feelings he looks at me as if I was crazy. He wants me to get counseling but I really don’t want to. Bringing up everything again would just be too much for me right now.
I just want to be able to love myself.
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K.
I’ve been having issues with my website, people spamming me so much it locks down so I apologize for the delay and truly hope you get this. Let me ask you a question. Do you think it would be harder and more stressful to seek counseling and have it brought up and be able to work your way through it with professional help? Or do you think it is more stressful and hard for it to continue and control you this long through various relationships and hurt you for a long time to come? At least with counseling you can hit it head on and start to work through your specific situations with people who don’t look at you crazy and can try and actually help you through it so you can see a light at the end of the tunnel. If I had a disease (not that rape is a disease just using as an example) and the doctors told me you can get treatment, it won’t be easy but you will heal much faster OR get no treatment and it will never get better it’s just something you have to live with? Which would you do? What makes the most sense. If it was your daughter what would you say? Think about it. Sometimes the right choices aren’t the easiet but we know deep down we are right and have to brave our way through it. You are not dirty and the rape does not define you, it only defines the person that did this to you as a rapist. I can also guarantee if you get counseling, even though it is tough you will feel relieved and end up being a stronger person for it. Trust me and your boyfriend when we say you need to get counseling. Go to rainn.org and find a professional rape counselor close to you. Just think about how you want your future to be, you able to get through this within time and put it behind you by dealing with it OR haunting you and your relationships forever…. Stay Strong you are worth it! Lynn
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Lynn
Have you turned to someone for support then found out they are there to hurt you more, the people who are out there to protect us. Its so disgusting babe. The pastor for the church I go to, they offer couselling services, so him and his wife were counseling me on separate occasions for the past weeks.
Noramally, they ‘d come to my house on week days, and weekends I go there. The pastor used to come with other church elders. Then on Tuesday, he came alone. Counseling had been going well for the past week.
Around 6pm, still we had not started, and was wondering that day are we not doing any talking. I offered some juice, then the weather changed, it got windy and bad, I invited him in the house, he took off his coat, hugged me, squeezed me against his perspiring body, he told me to hug him tight too and felt his manhood uptight. Then I pushed him away a little to look to at his face, I asked whats wrong, he said he wants to feel me, he quickly turned or spun me around to hug and hold me from behind.i felt his manhood protruding out. I was shocked! I just stood there stunned.
Then for a moment he got still, when I turned around he was holding a condom and opening it. I pushed him far he almost fell into the couch, I opened the door and told him to GET OUT. I told him he is disappointing and never want to see him or his church people again.
He said, he would understand if I do not forgive him, he is just convicted by the devil… blah blah….
I don’t know how he got out of the gate, as I do not have a gate remote, he must have found it opened by the other guy who stays in the main house.
Lynn, I am so mad as hell. I want to stop going there, but counseling helps. If I go ther it has to be when he is not around, I went to see his wife yesterday, I returned the books she had given me to read, I told her I need a break, so will not see them more often.
How do you deal with something like this, at this moment when already I have a huge thing to deal with. Sometimes God presents circumstances as big and confusing as this for what reason……
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I was molested as a child multipal times by a friend of the family. I told my family when i was older but never sought professional help. It has affected me in many ways including sexually. I find that my girlfriends have a stronger sex drive then i do and also feel that i need to be more “man like in bed” (I am not quite sure what that means). I lost the girl that i loved because i could’nt have a sexual relationship with her. I have gotten over a some of the problems and in my personal feeling doing ok. I am an E.M.T. and i volunteer with a non pro fit group. I had a patient who had been raped at an event she went into details of the attack to me. I did the best i can to take care of her medicly as well as emotionaly. I now find myself with dealing with alot of old deamons and not sure how i am going to deal with them. I know i am a good medic and in a way my past helps me be more compassionate and understanding with patients with this history, but its killing me.
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Iks. Sorry for the delay, been having site difficulties. I always tell survivors if they don’t seek professional help it will always come back to haunt you, sometimes even with professional help but at least then we know how to deal. If this is affecting you the way it sounds like then seek professional help. As an EMT you might even have an EAP program at work where you get several sessions for free and it is completely anonymous to everyone (hipaa law, you know what that is). Or if you don’t have an EAP try and find one through a local crisis center or go to rainn.org to find someone near you that specializes. Another thing you can always do for an immediate release is write out your feelings on paper when it is really bothering you or if you can’t sleep. I’m glad to know there are people out there like you that can have that compassion and empathy. Stay Strong! Lynn
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one suspect has been found and i have to go identify him. i feel so bad, like am falling down from the highest higll or building.
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d. You can do it remember stay strong! Lynn
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hello Lynn,
i stopped going to church, and i dont think i will go back. The pastor for the church I go to, they offered couselling services, so him and his wife were counseling me on separate occasions, together with the other two couple.
Normally, they ‘d come to my house on week days, and weekends I go see them. The pastor used to come with other church elders. Then one Tuesday, he comes alone. Counseling had been going well.
Around 6pm, still we had not started, and was wondering that day are we not doing any talking. I offered some juice, then the weather changed, it got windy and bad, I invited him in the house, he took off his coat, hugged me, squeezed me against his perspiring body, he told me to hug him tight too and felt his manhood uptight. Then I pushed him away a little to look at his face, I asked whats wrong, he said he wants to feel me, he quickly turned or spun me around to hug and hold me from behind.i felt his manhood protruding from out from behind. I was shocked! I just stood there stunned, frozen with fear, thinking this man is so determined and capable of doing whatever.
Then for a moment he got still, when I regained my strenghth to turn around, to find he was holding a condom and opening it. I pushed him far and farther away from me, he almost fell into the couch, I opened the door and told him to GET OUT. I told him he is disappointing and never want to see him or his church people ever again!! i couldnt believe it, and i was glad that i had stood up to him.
He said, he would understand if I do not forgive him, he is just convicted by the devil… blah blah…….
I don’t know how he got out of the gate, as I do not have a gate remote, he must have found it opened by the other couple who stay in the main house.
Lynn, I am still mad. I have stopped going there, but it was helping going there, we were reading from the bible and praying together. If I go there it has to be when he is not around, I went to see his wife then the following day, and I returned the books she had given me to read, I told her I need a break, so will not see them more often, for a while.
Sometimes God presents circumstances as big and confusing as this for some reasons known only to Him but…
He has been calling to ask if am ok, and his wife too, they call and say are worried about me. he invited me to come for church choir practice to his office, I just said, ok. But never went.
I feel like I am starting again, like I am thrown back and drawn back to that night, and fear has come back again. and when I think of him I see and regard him as those men who attacked me that night.
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D.
That is completely screwed up, especially when you feel you were being helped. But don’t think they are all like that. Can you go to a different church? Just don’t have anyone come to your house this time and if you can do group therapy where others are around that might help too! The bottom line is you were feeling better and to some point felt like you were getting better til this bastard ruined your trust, again. But don’t give up on yourself. You are making the effort so just start somewhere new but stay away from that other church and if he calls you one more time tell him you will tell his wife and everyone in the congragation if he doesn’t leave you alone forever. Stay strong! Lynn
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when you have found love again, how do you open up and when?
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D.
Well I’ll tell you what my professional counselore told me, “you must tell the man before you decide to have sex that you are a rape survivor”. I thought she was crazy but she was right. The first 2 guys I told before ran faster than I can tell you out my door. The third guy didn’t and I ended up marrying him. You don’t want to give your body to someone who doesn’t care enough to stick around and better to find that out before than later when feelings are invested. Stay strong! Lynn
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Lynn. I sent my story to you a little over a month ago….have you received it? – Madison
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M. Sorry for the delay, having spaming issues with my computer. Yes i did answer you just need to scroll through and look for “m” since I take out the names. Lynn
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im 15 and i was recently raped. i was stupid and spent the night at a party because i was scared to go home cause i didnt want to get in trouble. i regret that now. i would have rather gone home and taken the punishment than have gone through what i went through. my friends are trying to be supportive and be there for me but they dont understand…i feel like no one does. the guy that did it is telling people he “got the job done”. when it was happenign he kept telling me i wanted it and everything. i had heard stories about rape but never ever thought it would happen to me. it was exactly like the stories. i live in constant fear because of him and im having a really hard time dealing with it.
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M. I’m so sorry this happened to you and I understand what you are going through. Does this guy go to school with you? Because if he does you need to tell a counselor at school so they can keep an eye on him or even transfer classes if necessary. Actually even if he doesn’t I would tell the school counselor anyway in case your grades are affected. I hope you were able to talk to your parents but I know how hard that can be too. You really need to seek professional counseling and it would be covered under your parents health plan if they have one. If not you can go to rainn.org and try and find one near you or even if you have a local crisis center, a lot of the time it is free. Your friends can only help so much by being a shoulder to cry on and listen to you or help you feel safe because if they havne’t been through rape and/or not a trained professional to help you deal with it, that’s all they can do. So please at the very least tell your school counselor so they can help. Also, I would take a self defense class to help with your sense of security. And if he is around a lot I would keep pepper spray with you, but make sure you know how to use it properly. Also, try and talk to your parents if you can so they can help you possibly get the counseling you need. This is going to affect you in many different ways so the sooner you get help the better you’ll be able to deal with the things that come up in the future. Also, sleep is very important so your emotions don’t run so high. If you are having problems sleeping try writing out your feelings before you go to bed as a release. You can keep them or not but just get it all out of your head and onto paper. Some actually take their writings to their counselor so they can describe specific feelings and triggers to learn how to cope. But I promise the longer you wait to get help the longer it will take to heal and pushing deep down means it will never go away. Stay strong! Lynn
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i am now 19, but i was raped twice when i was 16, the first violent and an acquaintance and the second someone i had been dating for about a month. i ignored each and did a lot of drugs and didnt start dealing with it until i was 17 and in a residential treatment center. Recently i have been flashing back to the assaults (esp the first) and i am having issues pushing the thoughts away. i have been dating my boyfriend for a year now, he is the one i talk to about issues i have but i dont want to be the damaged, needy girlfriend. im feeling muted today. some days are better than others (obviously), some days i take strength for the survival and others like a victim. any suggestions/thoughts?
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H. the first thing that comes to mind is to write down your feelings as an immediate release. If it is getting bad you might consider counseling again. I would especially look into group counseling, maybe through your local crisis center (if you have one) or go to rainn.org and see if they know of any groups in your area. If neither of those work call a therapist and ask if they can refer you to rape group counseling. The reason I suggest this is you will connect with others that understand and can console you in the way you need without putting all the burden on your boyfriend. You will I guarantee find lifelong friends that truly understand. All you can expect from your boyfriend is a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen and to make you feel safe. You should tell him this too because I’m sure he wishes he could do more and it will make him feel better once he knows you understand this is all you expect from him. And most importantly don’t feel damaged or needy. The person that should feel like that is the rapist because they are – NOT YOU! You are wonderful and deserve the best and you are a survivor! Think of it this way, rape is all about control and the more it brings you down the more control he has over you. He doesn’t deserve that control anymore the bastard! I know it’s easier said than done but every time something triggers you tell yourself “NO” I’m not letting you control me anymore and think of something positive, like your wonderful boyfriend and being alive! You can’t change the past and he doesn’t deserve to be in your future! Stay strong! Lynn
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Hi there Lynn, my mane is fatima, i was raped twice in my life, molested twice and thought that i have dealt with it, the fist time i was molested was my moms brother at the age of 6 and again my a member of our community at the age of 9, was raped by my cousin for 30 days straight at the age of 14 and the second time i was raped by a strange black guy at the age of 17, now i know that i have had alot of bad luck in my life, but i am 25 years old now and i really thought that i have dealt with all of this untill my fiance pointed out to me that i get angry at people for no reason and always walking around with a look on my face that makes poeple scared to be around me or to be friends with me. i did not know this untill we had an argument the other day and all of this just came out of his mouth, now at first i thought that he was saying all of this to hurt me and i threatened to break of the engagement and move back to my mom. I went to work and all this that he said just echoed in my mind that whole day, i then started asking but why dont i have friends? everything started making sense and know now that he was right. I Haven’t dealt with it propely. please tell me what to do, i dont wanne loose my fiance because of my behavior
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F. Unless you received professional help from a counselor or therapist you have not dealt with it properly (which most women don’t you’re not alone because it is very difficult to talk about). That being said, you say you have no friends but you do have a fiance who love you so don’t beat yourself up. You have been through so much and at such an early age that this has such a major impact on your life. You MUST MUST MUST seek professional help. If you have a health plan I would find a counselor through my health plan and go as soon as possible. Your employer might have an EAP (employee assistance plan) that is 100% confidential by law and usually the first couple visits are free and then based on necessity you can get approved for more visits. If those don’t work get a referal from your local crisis center or church but however you do it just get the help you need and deserve. This is deep inside you and has been for so long that it is coming out in many ways affecting your life. Which is what I always tell people, if you push it down it never goes away and comes out later in ways you’d never expect or realize. So take care of yourself and your relationship, you and your future deserve it. Stay strong! Lynn
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ok I need to get my story out there ok when I was 3 my mom married this guy ok and he was now my step dad and well I’m 16 and I was 16 when this happened well one day my mom and my siblings went to walmart and left me and my step dad alone and he asked me if I was pregnant cuz I wad at a party with my friends and he somehow found out my boyfriend was there see I was a virgin and there fore I told him that and he didn’t believe me I used to tell him everything and so I told him that I had oral sex and I recieved oral back and all of a sudden he was like did I like it and I didn’t kno what to say and I was like well I told him the truth I told him it was weird and then he was like u should always enjoy sex and then I said I had to go to bed and then it was a few months later that whole coversation came up when we were in the car on the way home from cheer practice and he told me I was a pretty girl and I didn’t need to wear makeup and well we got home and my mom left in the middle of the night and it was just me and him and we used to watch tv in his room by ourselvs all the time well he was like u got a nice body Marissa u kno that and I was like wow thanks dad cuz I didn’t think nothing of it and then I was like I’m going to bed well he said me too well then he woke me up saying hey come here and I was like why and he said just come here and I said no and he was like if u love me u will so I did out of guilt and he pushed me on the bed and I had shorts on and he moved them to the side and he raped me and I didn’t kno what to do or what to say this happened on sept 30 and I didn’t tell my mom till November 9 and then of course they moved me out of the house right away well it’s now April 9th my moms bday and she is still with him and she won’t tlk to me or let me see my little sister I live with my grandparents and my mom won’t tlk to me and I dnt kno why I hate it I tried cutting myself and I ran away I tried everything to make to forget it but it won’t go away and I feel like it’s my fault and my mom hates me and I dnt kno why I’m so hurt because of her cuz she came after me the night I ran away and held me in her arms and told me she loved me and that’s the only time I can remember her telling me that then I tell her what happened and it’s like ur not my child I dnt kno u I dnt kno who u r I need help I wanna die I hate my life ugh
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Lost & alone. I’m sorry for the delay honey and soooo sorry for what you are going through. It sounds like your mom maybe heard a different story and doesn’t want to believe you. And as hard as this to accept you can’t control what other people think, only what you think and how you handle it. cutting is NOT the answer and only a temporary fix so PLEASE stop that because you will regret it so much later. How are your grand parents? I hope they understand and support you. You need to go to a school counselor and ask for help. They will be able to guide you and help you. If you had anything from that night that has his dna on it I’d take it to the police and make a report. don’t worry about what your mom thinks because she isn’t worried about you but I’m worried about you’re little sister and you should be too! If not PROMISE me you will talk to a school guidance counselor for help. They need to know and can get you the appropriate help. This man is disgusting and he deserves all the guilt – NOT YOU. Once you’ve taken care of yourself then you can worry about your mom but you come first and you can’t do it alone. Try and at least find one person that you can talk to 24/7 that supports you and will keep your confidence. Until you have that person write out all your feelings. You don’t have to keep it you can tear it up, just get these emotions out on paper for a release so you can stop cutting and sleep better. Stay strong! Lynn
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My girlfried was raped by another girl. I walked in on it. For her sake, I have been there for her, but she cannot forgive herself, yet I have fully let her know , It was entirely not her fault, as we established that her drink was spiked, I am there for her. Not making a difference. To the rapists out there: Wake up, and DIE!!!!!
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Mark,
I would personally like to thank you for being there and fully supporting your girlfriend, she is lucky to have you. If she is having issues try your best to get her into counseling as that truly is the only thing that can help her future be a better place by understanding how to deal with it. And I agree with your comment. Stay strong for her and you! Lynn
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i so much appreciate your responses Lynn.
at this moment i feel empty, alone, powerless and when i think of coming to work i cant wait for the day to end, for me to go to gym, sports then home. its like there is no life at work.
i stopped writing, let alone getting in touch with the church people. i am just being by myself and once its dark i dont go out, sunset has to find me home inside. and it feels safe…
i tried telling this other guy about my rape, we were beggining to be close and thought i needed him to know where i came from, he ran away, i never heard from him and have never contacted him as well, i guess it tells me a lot about him.
then i wondered how am i going to open up to a guy and not have him run for his life! between keeping quite and telling them, its unconfortable.
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D. My very wise counselor told me this advice and even though at the time I thought she was crazy, I now know she was 100% right and this is the same advice I pass on. BEFORE you have any sexual relations or even considering it tell the person about your rape. No details need to be given unless you are comfortable and they are a “willing” listener. Reason being is if they run, you did not give yourself to them as you are a gift. Some don’t see it that way but when a rape survivor is willing and ready to be or think about being with someone we are giving them trust and seek the companionship that we desire and need to be fulfilled. Not to feel like we have been used again. So the point is if they leave as this guy did (and the first 2 guys after my rape did) even though it hurt at the time, in the long run we will be glad we weren’t with them because we now know they couldn’t handle it and would not be able to support us in the way we need to be loved and supported. The good note is when you do tell that someone and they stick around you know it IS because they care and really want to be there and support you. Then you know you’ve made the right choice. I would much rather know before than after, wouldn’t you? Stay strong, Lynn
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Hi Lynn,
My Girlfriend was raped a few years ago when she was 14. Whenever we’re sleeping together she is awoken by nightmares of the event. Most nights she won’t get any sleep, when I’m with her. When shes on her own she sleeps fine except last night she was on her own and she had the nightmare. She doesn’t ever want to talk about it, but shes told me what happened. Sometimes after the dreams she says that she feels guilty and dirty. We’ve talked over it a few times but the dreams keep happening no matter what. Shes not keen on going to councelling and I don’t have the nerv to insist on it, even though I do think it could help. I’m going to stick with her no matter what but I don’t know how to stop the dreams. Shes strong minded and smart, and she knows it wasn’t her fault but the nightmares are still happening.Any advice would be great. Thanks
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I love that I somehow stumbled upon this site, and I love how much you’re supporting all these people–seriously, kudos to you 🙂
I lost my virginity to a drunken rape December 5th, 2009… aka like 5 months ago. I was 19 then, 20 now. I didn’t recognize it as rape until my friend heard the story and told me the truth about a week ago. I’ve been researching the symptoms of rape-related disorders and realized that everything applies to me. I’ve had these feelings since December. About 2 days after the incident, a guy confessed to liking me. My best friend, upon hearing about the guy liking me and knowing that I had participated in a “one night stand” to lose my virginity, told my other best friend that it wasn’t fair that this kid liked me– after what I had done, I didn’t deserve shit. And for 5 months now, I’ve believed her. It was a downward spiral since December. After I got over the initial shock (and the initial UTI/kidney infection FML) of the incident, I tried to not hate my attacker. I tried to be his friend, and perhaps even his girlfriend, just to validate what he did to me— if we had a connection, then what I did was fine… just a precursor to the relationship. But, of course, that did not work out because this guy is a piece of shit who forces girls who are 7 years his younger into bed with him. And of course, I blamed myself. I shouldn’t have been that drunk when he met me– he forced himself on me, I said no, drank more, said yes–then when I finally sobered up, I told him to get out of me and take me home because I hurt. I felt bad because I didn’t tell him I was a virgin beforehand. Along with trying to get a hold of all these feelings, I was also extremely depressed. I cried every night to myself, and cut myself from all my friends. I started to drink almost every day—excessively. I felt like I was sabotaging all my relationships because of this. I was completely alone. At dinner with my friends, I felt like I wasn’t even there. I felt like they were in one reality, and I was in another. I was damaged beyond repair— I didn’t deserve to be society and no one could relate to me. One of my friends told me to get over it because it was just my virginity, and another told me I was fucked up for no reason. In my mind, there was no one for me. I continued the substance abuse to deal with what I was feeling (alcohol and painkillers), and essentially sabotaged majority of my relationships by being drunk… all the time. I couldn’t even look or couldn’t even feel for the people that I had cared for before the incident. I started self-mutilation again and had a myriad of suicidal thoughts. It’s 3 weeks until I move home for the summer again, and I’m both excited and scared too.
Essentially, that is my story. For everyone reading– do NOT feel bad if you hit rock bottom after being raped. You might feel like you have lost a part of yourself, your friends, and ultimately your soul. I felt like I lost everything and stilll feel that way now. Just know that there are people who feel the same way out there and that it wasn’t your fault, even if you were too drunk to say yes or no or even to REMEMBER. It is never your fault. You are not damaged goods– horrible things sometime happen and one person’s shitty actions against you will not change your worth. In a way, I feel like my attacker has stolen my life away from me, and I imagine many of people on here will feel the same way. Just know that you are NOT alone… so many people go through what we have. And know that you are beautiful and the fact that you are on this site means you are scared and fighting against the feeling that are raging inside you. And the fact that you are here ultimately means that you will win. Someday, that awful night will just be a distant memory. So ladies, never give up hope<3
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L. I couldn’t have said it better myself. Sounds like you are definitely on the way up from the bottom! Stay strong! Lynn
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Lynn you are an amazing woman for creating a site and supporting these women in need of help (Me being one of them). I am not at a comfortable stage to discuss my abuse just yet but want to praise you for what you are doing 🙂
And i also have to say how brave you are, you are giving all this advice and special words to everyone else and not enough is said about your story. Incredible and brave, and what a heart of gold you have 🙂
I would love to create a site like yours and offer help and support to those in need. Please get in touch sometime 🙂
Best wishes,
Isabel
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When I was 16 my sisters husband raped me.. she stayed married to him.. she left him about a year ago but she still brings it up.. it was the third time I have been raped.. I am 20 years old now and I have a little boy but am a single mom trying to do it all on my own.. I still wake up scared to death… He did ten days in jail… I can not make a relationship work because I am so afraid of guys.. what can I do?
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H. Separate yourself from him, if you haven’t already and get into counseling as soon as you can. You can start with rainn.org or try your local crisis center but once is horrific enough so for you to go through this more than that does prove that you are strong, but it’s only the surface. And the part we need to heal is our insides that we feel have been so brutally taken away. Just because people can’t see what we’ve been through by looking at us doesn’t stop the feelings we have inside and know are there. So we have to be the one’s to dig deep, realize when we’ve had enough, when maybe we can’t deal with it on our own or forget about it. Maybe, it’s time to reach out for help and take care of ourselves. This day will come and I hope for you it is sooner instead of later because your future is worth the effort to make it bright again! Stay strong! Lynn
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When i was young really really young i slept over at a friend house a close friend i didnt know what sex was or the morals behind it my friend he…… put his privepart between my legs and said “trust me it feels good” we were so young yes it occured to me “how would you know this isint right” only i didnt do anythign because he was my friend i didnt want to get him in trouble so then time past and it botherd me soo much i talked to my best friend at the time “we t hought to ourselves what is sex what is the meaning what the hell is going on are we bad becasue we dont know about it or if its right” “so again we tried it only i did it to him in the end we were both left confused and hurt…..i feel as if the whole thing is my fault until this very day i suffer from terrible anxiety and just recently this bad memorie has poped back into my life your not alone people… wierd stuff happends i mysself havitn figured out how to deal with such guilt and shame i prey that one day i do….. i told a friend a really close friend he says dont worrie about it it wasint your fault it was a sexually experimental stage of your l ife it dosent ake you gay it dosent make you a bad person i still have troubles accepting it… i was just wondering dose anyone have any advice?.
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K. Your friend is right to me this sounds like it was definitely an experimental act on your part because you stated yo absolutely didn’t know what sex was or about. Now I can’t confirm that for your best friend (because he did it to you first leading me to believe he knew something – but I could be wrong) but I’ve heard many many stories and seen things working in a daycare before that before the age of really knowing things happen that wouldn’t when children are at the age of knowing and had the discussion of their “private parts”. So I would do my best to let this go but if it is really bothering you deeply seek the advice of a therapist, especially if you think it is affecting your relationships now. But try not to get anxiety over it because it sounds completely harmless on your part and NOT something you should be blaming yourself over. Stay Strong, Lynn
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i was 4 neally five, and one day my mum went out and my uncle and my pop looked after me onley then they locked me in the bedroom they tied me up put tape on my mouth so i couldent scream then they both raped me and my own dad just stood there watching didnt say anything and laughd at me. they left me alone still crying and tied up i couldent talk i couldent look at them and now i am 17 years old and i want to die i cant cope with my life anymore i cant do it i just want to die
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A. I’m so sorry you went through something so horrific but you can do it. I know it doesn’t feel like it but you can I promise. You have to dig deep for the strength and trust in a professional for help. You can go to rainn.org & you can find someone close to you or you can call a local crisis center, especially if you’re feeling desperate always call them they are available 24/7 and it is anonymous. You have to know that you are worthy of a good life and that this horrific event should not dictate your future. The best way to get your life back is to tell yourself they can’t control me anymore, they don’t deserve it and this doesn’t define me. You need to define who you are and who you want to be and that is better and happier and need to enjoy life again. So take the step and get to a counselor and work at it. It’s not easy but it is a helluva lot easier than the pain you deal with everyday for all these years. Trust me it is and you are worth it! Stay strong! Lynn
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i can’t say that i was raped.
sometimes a part of me say i was raped.
but another part of me say i wasn’t raped.
but what happened was he forced himself on me.
and i remained scared, in shock, and silent.
my facial expression was blank.
my mouth was open, gaping like a fish out of water.
in my head i was screaming no i dont want this.
he removed my skirt and stuck his penis inside of me.
and i felt disgusted. it was my sacred area, my special area. and he ripped my clothes off and just penetrated. and wouldn’t stop. he wouldn’t even look me in the eyes. he was so into it. he just pounded at me and focused on his pleasure and humped at it. he either looked at the ceiling or looked at my stomach or closed his eyes…i don’t remember. he was using me like a piece of equipment. like his car, he was just driving his car. he was just entering and exiting. it didnt hurt, his dick was so small. he was hurting me though. but i forgave him even before i could process my emotions.
i didn’t have close friends. i didn’t have teachers that could have helped. my family never communicated. so i just forgot about it. i feel so disgusting. i feel my body is not sacred or special anymore.
i feel its nasty. and ugly. i feel like he took my beautiful body away from me.
the worse thing is. the next day at school, he told everyone i raped him. and i used him. that was not true. i was so confused. fellow classmates started to say ‘how could i do such a thing?’ i was the unconventional, colorful, intelligent, artist. he was the supreme nerd of all nerds, the king of maths. ‘how could i steal his virginity?’
i was in shock and i had nobody to trust. what a load of bullshit. i couldn’t stand it. it was like the world was fake. the world was fake and there was no justice. nobody would believe me. why do i have to argue about my own rights? god knows what happened. the universe knows. the universe knows he raped me. the universe knows he insulted me, manipulated me, and used my body. my body was sacred and it was mine!! then he not only used it, he went and told everyone it was the opposite way around. i….raped him?? i seduced him??
he was buying himself insurance for raping me. what a strange ordeal.
classmates blamed me for what i did. he never had any girl friends. female friends even. afterall, he was the king of all nerds. but he used this story of me ‘raping him’ to get to know girls, to get them to console him, and to get close to them on a friendship level, and even more.
i feel used like an object. facilitating someone’s lies. other girls think i’m a mean girl. that’s not true though…
but i didnt even defend myself. not a word. not a word of self-respect. not a word of justice or myself. did i really hate myself so much? did i really not believe in justice, in truth? why did i not say something? but then again, who would i say to in a world of ignorance? so disappointed that my classmates would believe such a thing, that they would even believe that i took advantage of him…
the thing is…when i went into his house. he in
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sulted me. he said i’m stupid for watching silly cartoons for children. (it was anime, and anime is an art by the way). so he turned my ‘silly cartoon’ off. so i just sat there on his bed, watching him play computer games. apparently he said i was ‘seducing’ him because i was ‘lying’ on the bed! i was just sitting there as there were no chairs, and clearly bored watching him play computer games!
so back to the couch i sat after awhile. i don’t remember the exact events, but he looked at my face and said i had liphair and i needed to get rid of it. i don’t know what happened next, i just remember being fucked. i don’t even remember if he kissed me or not. i just remember me being fucked.
i was 15. i think i was 15. i’m now 23. between 15 and 23, i’ve had a lot of self-abusive sexual relationships. of just being caught in the same situation and having history repeat itself. at times it got more violent. at times it was very very physically painful. at times i was holding my breath and clenching and closing my eyes cause i didn’t want to be there. and screaming inside my head but not knowing what to do or how to get out of the situation because…who cares…it happened before. why not again, again, and again? i can learn to detach, it’s normal to detach. it’s what it’s supposed to be.
my mind feels schizophrenic. i don’t know who i am anymore. my sexuality? gone. i don’t feel sexy or feel sexual energy. i don’t feel like creating. i used to be an artist. i can’t make things anymore. i just see barriers everywhere. i see things that are unfair and it makes me mad.
when i was raped for the first time, my soul left my body. it was a strange feeling. it was as if my body was a box. and it was filled with air. or even vacuous at times. my soul or ‘me’ left the body and floated towards the ceiling. it looked down at my physical body, with the breath still inside the physical body, it looked at the rapist, and it said, ‘oh how interesting. what an interesting scene here.’
but now my soul cannot come back to my body. i feel like…i can’t feel my body or my soul. i feel nothing. i don’t know what i feel. my mind is spinning so fast and so rapidly.
part of me didn’t want him to touch me. a BIG part of me was so deeply hurt because i wouldn’t mind him touching me, but only if it was in a relationship.
i hoped we could have reached a conclusion…some sort of understanding. no. what happened was he told the whole world, people who he didn’t know, that i raped him. he told people i used him.
i’m so confused!! if he didn’t tell people that, the ‘rape’ would be okay to deal with. i could speak to him about it. but how can i speak to someone who is in total denial and reconstructed the truth of what happened? how can i reconcile with someone who is so twisted? but yet has a reputation for being the ‘clean’ boy?
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yes my mind does feel schizophrenic.
being raped.
rape.
your mind…spins like the slots in a casino.
one piece of mind says ‘GET OUT OF HERE!! HELP!! RUNN!! SAY NO!! ‘
there is darkness.
another piece of mind says ‘Just endure it. endure it and it will be over. just hold it tight. clench it. stay strong. wait. be patient. it will soon be over. salvation will be soon’.
the breath holds tight and is locked.
another piece of mind (this is only a tiny piece of mind, but it is a focused and strong piece of mind, that i listened to). ‘This is only a part of history. In the big scheme of things, from the moment you are born till death, this will not be significant. You are not starving, you are not born in a 3rd world country having to suffer, this is not painful in comparison to many other children and people’s pains in the rest of the world.’
another piece of mind says, ‘YOU HATE THIS!!! STOP IT!!!!’
but another piece of mind says, ‘You have the gift of giving pleasure. why not give pleasure? you can suffer, but you can give pleasure. why withhold your love, why withhold your pleasure-giving abilities, why not make someone happy and satisfied when you have the ability to?’
‘there’s nothing to lose; you are just laying there. you don’t lose anything. let them use you, so you can be of use to the world and to other people. make them happy so they can be happy’.
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J. The reason you shouldn’t make anyone else happy is because YOU come first and I promise you that you CAN be happy again. The first thing is to stop worrying about what everyone else thinks (as hard as I know that can be). I know you know that is right because that is why you didn’t get defensive and respond to the ignorance of the others. Distance yourself from these people if you haven’t already, now that you are 23, you need to be away from your past and be somewhere you can concentrate on what you have control over which is the future. You can’t change the past or control what others think or do, you can only be in control of yourself. So start doing that, today and stop letting all the negative control your life since it can’t be changed why waste your time and energy on such thoughts. Now for your future STOP making others happy and focus on yourself through professional help. I’m getting the impression you feel worthless and you don’t care what happens to you and you have to snap out of that because ONLY you can make the change, no one else can do it for you other than the effort you put into it with a professional. You are worth it J. and I know it doesn’t feel like it but I promise you you are. The things that happened to you don’t define you, other than the fact that you are a little lost right now, which is understandable. You need to talk to someone that will help you feel worthy again and can give you the strength to take care of yourself to achieve a happy life for YOU. Stay strong and don’t give up! Lynn
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I was eleven I had met a new friend that year to his nAme I’ll keep a secret he was 5 years older than me and we got very close so one day he says hey I’m haveing a party wanna come so I did and when I got there we went up stairs and we went to his room I started to think mayb I should go down stairs so I said I’m going back down he grabbed me punched me and threw me on his bed and ripped all my clothes off and he raped me after an hour of that he punched me again threw me down the outside metal stairs and drug me to the creek and left me there later on my friends went looking and found me if they wouldn’t of found me I would b dead my older cusin got me to take a preg test and it was positive Ty is now 3 years old my attacker went to juvie and my life goes on
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Lost & Confused. I’m so sorry your childhood was taken from you and so violently. That is seriously messed up. I heard everything in your story other than you received professional help. I’m hoping your family or the state (from being a victim) were able to get the counseling you need and if you are raising that baby I’m sure you still need it. Just make sure you are taking care of yourself first because you aren’t living the normal life, not to say it is worse, just different and therefore you need someone around you that realizes that and treats and helps you the way you need, unlike everyone else. I hope you understand that and take care of yourself. Stay strong! Lynn
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hi my name is sara i am now 20 years old. i was molested at the age 9 for three years by my big brother i have never told anyone because am scared what might happen. At the age of 11 i was raped again infront of alot of people my age and older, i feel that my brother had set that up because of what my rapist said, my brother had also said. When i went to school the next day i was bullied they said i was a slut and it was my fault. I took it for months and i had enough of been bullied having to keep my secrets i tried to kill my self many of times for years i was always caught in time. Then again i was nearly raped at 17 and i was put in hospital so they could watch me i didn’t want to life. i feel i have gone through enough. Then again not long after my 19th birthday i was raped again. Three months after it happen i told my cousin she told my mum, my mum didn’t believe me she told my full family that i was telling lies. She drank with my rapist and also my two brothers too. Everytime they say his name my stomach turns they make me feel low and it make me feel like its fault. To this day i sometimes consider taking my life. I don’t see the point in me beening here if people only want to abuse me.
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I am alone, The first thing you need to do if you haven’t already is get away from these horrible individuals. That is your escape, not ending your life. Please believe me when I tell you the world would be a much better place with you in it, if you leave us for them then they win! You can’t let them win not another day not another minute. It is very clear that you feel alone but wouldn’t you rather be alone, on your own controlling your own life than living in constant fear? Don’t let them win. DON’T LET THEM WIN! You need to get back control. Have you thought about going to the police? You would need a safety plan if you still live with them. I know this is a lot to take in and means BIG changes but I think these changes need to happen as soon as possible in order to get your life back and YOU ARE WORTH IT! It’s these lousy people that are not. I would beg borrow and steal (not literally steal) to get my hands on enough money to get the hell out of there. Do you have any friends that live far from you that you could take a bus and go stay with (that your family doesn’t know or at least know where they live)? If not go to a women’s shelter, I know that is drastic but they can help get you on your feet. But I would go to one no in your immediate town so you can have a fresh start. Do you have a crisis center that you can call to get help? They help with everything from a place to stay to food and clothes & counseling but once again don’t go to one close to where you live. But you can call the one closest to you and get advice on how they can help you to start over and get out of that hell hole. It is mandatory to get away from these idiots. If you have gone then good and now you need to start working on yourself with a professional, like I said Crisis centers will help with counseling, typically it’s free. Just get safe, take care of yourself and know THIS DOESN’T DEFINE YOU! It only defines that they are horrible individuals that don’t deserve to be near you. If you are still there and can leave, don’t tell them, don’t threaten them just get out in the middle of the night or something with no letter or notes, nothing they can trace you for and just get out. I wish you the best and take care of yourself. Stay strong and if you want to check back in I will be here. Lynn
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this describes my first sexual experience with a man: i was raped in 1977 at the age of 15, by a 21-year-old soldier in the army. he was my “boyfriend”, although we didn’t do boyfriend/girlfriend things, such as going to the movies, hanging out at the mall, skating, etc. i believe some so-called friends gave him my phone number as a prank. he called me during an intense time in my family – my brother had been run over by a truck and was seriously injured. the soldier claimed he’d met me at a party and described how i looked (which was wrong). i was desperate for attention and upset about my family situation, so when he said he wanted to meet me i said, “yes”. bad idea. my first introduction to sex was when he came to my house and i sat in his car. i was scared because i didn’t know how to talk with a man – what to say, what to do. he never spoke with me – he just grabbed me by the hair and forced my mouth onto his erect penis, which i didn’t know he had pulled out. after he came, i opened the car door and spat the sperm out near the curb and proceeded to cry. (he was parked right in front of my house, with my mom and six siblings watching television inside). if you think this was brazen on his part, try having this happen to you EVERY NIGHT for a solid month. he would pull my head onto his penis, come in my mouth, i would cry, and he would laugh at my crying. EVERY NIGHT. then he flipped the script. one night he drove me quite a distance from my house. we drove over some train tracks, behind a seedy nightclub and onto a koaa campground. he kind of tossed me on my back onto the front seat and said something like, “you’re gonna do this”, and then put his penis into me and raped me. i was petrified and it hurt so bad. i never said a word. neither did he. when he was done, he zipped up his pants and drove me back home and we never “dated” again. i disassociated with the incident and became an immediate alcoholic, for 32 years afterward. i never had a truly pleasurable sexual experience with another man afterward, and became a lesbian in 1989. i have never gone back to men again, as i view them not as human, but as creatures who have temporarily invaded our planet. in 2009, i gave my life to Christ and gave up alcohol for good. i’ve been in intense therapy – rapid eye movement therapy, for about 9 months now and it has helped. i never even thought i’d been raped and blamed myself for the entire incident. when i stopped drinking, the memories came flooding back, faster than i could stop or control them and i thought i was going mad. since being in therapy, i’m just now at the point where i can use the word “rape”, and express my true feelings.
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L. WOW! How incredibly brave you are to finally accept this wasn’t your fault and face your fears! I’m PROUD of you! If you’ve read any of these posts you will not find a one from over 600 that states they were able to heal themselves or keep it locked up. Not a one! I’m sorry it took so long but I’m so glad your here and able to tell your story. Rape is like a shadow we can never run from or fix through temporary measures such as drugs & alcohol. The only time we can truly start to heal is when we know and accept deep in our souls that it wasn’t our fault, then and only then can we start down the path of recovery through facing our fears directly through counseling/therapy. So it may have taken a while but L. You are here now and God Bless You. God knew you were worthy he was just waiting for you to realize it! Stay strong! Lynn
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I recently found out that my stepfather repeatedly raped my older sister when she was just 12 years old. When my sister sought help/police my mother denied it and threatened her until she retracted her statement. This has ruined my sister’s life. Everything that she is now is because of what happened to her. I just found this out six months ago even though it happened 14 years ago. My sister is too weak to press charges and have to live through it again… but I can’t sit back and watch nothing be done. I dont know how to deal with it and it has hurt my relationship with my mother becuase I dont know how she can stand to be married to the man who raped her daughter… I think she is in denial. I am married and moved away now but I know that I have to confront my mom about it because I want her to know that her husband is not allowed around me or my future children ever again. I wish that he was rotting in jail right now… it makes me so angry that I want to physically harm him. Oh did I mention he teaches 6th grade? I want my sister to press charges. I want his life ruined. I want him taken to a place where he cant hurt people again. I want his penis to be chopped off painfully. I get so angry just thinking about it that my only solace is knowing that he WILL burn in hell for all eternity.
Oh and by the way, this was the same time frame that my mother was convincing me to call him daddy and sit on his lap. Thanks mom. I think the only reason he never came back to me is because when I was 11 I confessed to my dad that my stepfather’s son had been touching me inappropriately. I think me telling on my step brother scared him off because he knew I would tell on him. What a fucked up family…
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R. I totally understand how you are feeling and you have every right to confront your mother because she needs to understand EXACTLY why and make it very clear that he is not allowed to come near you or your sister. That being said, it is up to your sister since her life has been hurt enough she needs to concentrate on getting her better not the past. If going to the police helps her then absolutely go to the police, but if she can’t you can’t force her. The past can’t be changes only the future. So you are doing the right thing to protect yourself and future family, good! Now tell your sister that you stand behind her whatever decision she makes and that you will always be there for her 24/7. She needs that from this day going forward, to know that she isn’t letting you down by not going to the police. If she feels like she has let you down or you are pressuring her she might not openly come to you when needed. So be there to support her 100%. I hope she is out on her own and away from your family as you are. If she isn’t it is a priority that she gets away from them, as far away to where she feels safe, then get into professional counseling, when she is ready. You can go to rainn.org and find a professional closest to you and they work on an income scale. The fact that she finely opened up to you means she is wanting to open up and that is a great start. This is so deep rooted that until she gets professional help it will affect every aspect of her life, in a derogatory way whether she realizes it or not. Thanks for being strong for her but just make sure you are both safe (away from the family) and concentrate on the things you can control, instead of wasting energy on what you can’t change. When she is able let her read some of the posts from this site because she won’t find a one that stated they were able to handle it on their own without professional help. I’m more worried about her future than the asshole’s future, cause your sister is worth it, the others aren’t. Stay strong! Lynn
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thank you for replying back. Am still living at home, my brother has moved out but always around. A don’t want to go to the police.I would love to be incontrol of my life but when i do there is always someone there to ruin it and each time, i fall harder and taken a bit of me each time. A don’t no if i can go through it again. If i moved away and was on my own, i wouldn’t think twice about killing my self. I had counseling in the past and found it difficult to talk about and still find it hard. I haven’t done anything wrong and i no i haven’t but i am made to feel it is. The thing thats killing me most is noone believing me and my mum n 2 brothers drinking with my rapists when i was upstairs.
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I am alone, I know it would be hard but it is harder living there dealing with this. Of course you are always knocked down because they know they can and they think they are in control. I’m telling you get a safety plan together and do it. Go to a friends or a shelter, but somewhere safe and not mentally and physically abused anymore. You won’t get better if you stay there because you don’t believe in yourself that you are strong enough to get outta there. If you’ve been this strong I know for an absolute fact you can do it. You just really got make a plan and take the necessary steps to get money, get a place and get out. You must take care of yourself because obviously no one else is, so stand up for yourself, believe in yourself and don’t them them control you any longer. You know rape is all about control, not about you but about the act and the way it makes the attacked feel. Most attackers lack self esteem, though they try and put on a good front and they pick on the weak and vulnerable who will make them feel superior. So it’s not about you, it’s about the way these people need to feel. I’m telling you that in hopes you will gain enough self confidence to not let this define you or your future. If you don’t want to make it worse around there then make it better for you somewhere else, make a plan and get out. PLEASE! Lynn
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lynn – on behalf of myself and the others who share their stories on this website: thank you for encouraging us to move forward. thank you for letting us know we are not alone. thank you for being there. God bless you.
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Its been about 8 years since I was attacked. I find myself thinking about it very often. I want to know why this is popping into my head so much. I learned to block out the situation years ago. I never really had anyone to talk to about it. I felt very alone at the time. But now I can’t help but replay that night over and over in my head. Whats worse is that I know I can easily run into him when visiting my friends/family back home. Will I ever learn to let go and never have to think about him again? How can I help myself get over what already happened? I NEVER imagined myself sharing this with anybody especially over the internet. I know there are certain clinics/therapy sessions/groups I can attend or join but I am hoping to get some answers from you Lynn. All I want is to move forward and let this go… Thank you for your time, I appreciate it.
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T. I was on vaca for the 4th so sorry for the delay. The reason this keeps coming up is because you’ve never dealt with it. If you read other posts you will see not a one was able to deal with it on their own. Yes, you can block it but that is just shoving it down deeper and not letting it out. The more you talk about it or cry as a release the more room you have to heal. I use the analogy that is like your shadow, you can never run from it, it is always there. UNTIL you decide to deal with it, then it is no longer your shadow but your past and you can get past your past, but only if you deal with it head on. Once you’ve dealt with it then you don’t look at your shadow anymore you look at your future and the brightness of it. My suggestion is to go to rainn.org and find a professional counselor/therapist in your area or maybe through an EAP program at work (which is 100% by law anonymous even to your employer and they are typically several free visits. Even try a local crisis center who can either help there or refer you to the best help. Just get the help. The reason there are all these posts is for thhe same reason they though they could deal with it but within time, usually when you least expect it, it all comes back, whether from a trigger or anxiety or something so take care of yourself and get professional help, with someone you feel comfortable with. Another thing you can do which is an immediate release is to write your feelings out. You don’t have to keep them or you could and take them to the counselor to help specify your triggers and learn how to overcome them. Just know that you are worth the effort AND you will only succeed as much as the hard work you put into it. Pushing it down only means it will fester and come out when you least expect it. It’s like a volcano inside and you never know when it will erupt. Don’t you want to take care of it before it effects the most important relationship in your life? Please get the help, trust me it’s not easy but I think you will agree not getting the help is just a tuff. So help yourself and your future! Stay strong! Lynn
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I find myself back in the same place, Some days i’m perfectly find and i can laugh. But than other days i’m sad again, I have a really bad attitude that i dislike so much. The simplest things get me mad, I was never this person until i was molested. I was 9 when i was first molested, He started off slow by having me sit on his lap. When i would sit on his leg he would move me to the center where his private area is, than he would start to bounce me up && down. Then it moved to him rubbing his private area on mines, and touching me other places. I never told anyone because he did so much for me, and i didn’t have a father due to the fact my father is sprung out on drugs. I never wanted this guy to touch me but i wanted a father figure in my life so bad so i kept it a secret like he asked me too. What i couldn’t figure out is why he wanted to mess with me when he had a girlfriend, and to this day i still wonder why. I ended up moving away from him when i was 11 but on my 11th birthday he came over to our new home, and my mother was at work. He touched me one last time, I didn’t let him in he just came in after i told him she wasn’t home. Til this day i hate celebrating my birthday, I haven’t had a party since. I feel like i’m celebrating his day, It kinda feel like it is my fault. But i’m really not sure. I still having trouble dealing with it, I told my mom about what happened when i was around the age of 13 all she said was “its to late now”. That crushed my heart, I wanted something from her but not that. Later on when i was 18 i was raped by an ex, When i was with him all he ever talked about was having sex. At the time i was a virgin and i really wasn’t ready so i ended up breaking up with him. One night him and his friend came over my house, because his friend was dating my friend which was over my house at the time also. I went in my room because there wasn’t any point of me being out there when me and him was over and my friend was with her boyfriend. So anyways he followed me to my room, came in and pinned me down on my bed he wouldn’t let me go. He was so much stronger than me, All i could do was look at the door. I told him to get off me many of times, But he just didn’t listen. He started kissing on me, and i turned my head everytime he would try to kiss me. Oh wow i’m getting emotional just telling this, long story short i just feel like crap. I’m not the same me, and i’m sick of my family telling me that i act different now. And only if they knew why, I keep my feelings bottled inside. Some days i cry myself to sleep, Everyday i have trouble sleeping. I try to imagine me as this whole different girl that has so much going for her. But when i wake up i’m still me, :[
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T. First of all this WAS NOT YOUR FAULT EVER! I’m sorry to say but your mother was/is wrong and ignorant to the facts. That being said, you need to believe deep in your heart that you were a victim that was taken advantage of by someone you loved and trusted. Therefore, you did nothing wrong. NOTHING! I’m sorry this happened to you again at still a young and vulnerable age and I understand that this has changed you. But all rape/molested victims are changed so that isn’t your fault either. We are and will be different BUT that doesn’t mean we can’t lead a better life. I know it’s hard to believe, but that is exactly what you need to do, BELIEVE in the fact that it wasn’t your fault! Believe in the fact that this doesn’t define you, only the asshole that did this to you. Believe that you can help yourself get better and on a new path of recovery that will lead you to a better life. BUT you will only heal as much work as you put into it, it’s not unfortunately just gonna happen. And especially not gonna happen if you shove it under the rug and act like it didn’t. Here are 2 things I want you to do. First if you have one friend that you know you can rely on 24/7 and won’t judge you, you need to tell them everything and ask them to be your rock. Let them know up front that the ONLY thing you want from them is to be there when you are ready to talk, cry, watch a movie or just need a hug. Let them know you don’t expect them to have the answers just support you. Then the second thing is you need to get professional help through a local crisis center, church or my suggestion go to rainn.org and find a specialist in your area closest to you, just to it because you are worth it and you need it in order to have a better future for yourself in all aspects and you deserve it! Stay Strong! Lynn
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alone & confused, DON’T let him win by giving up!!!! You are worth it he is NOT! Therefore YOU need to get to the police or at the very least stay with people that will protect you. I don”t mean hurt anyone else just don”t let anyone hurt you! You are is a very extreme situation and need an immediate emergency plan. Do you have a crisis center in your area that you can call because they have great resources for many different things. Look in your yeelow pages or call 411. YOU NEED TO GET HELP KNOW and get out of your situation, even try a womens shelter in your area. Stay strong and focused on helping yourself, you can do it! Lynn
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It has almost been 2 years since my incident and tonight I had a total breakdown. The guilt and confusion is so overwhelming at times that I think it has finally hit me. I need help, support, and reassurance that I am not going crazy so I guess that is why I am posting to this website. My assaulter is still out there, talking to my friends, and making himself seem like an everyday good guy but he is not. I actually thought about hurting him tonight, really hurting him. It scares me how unstable I feel right now and yet, I am able to put on my survivor mask and parent my 11 month old son. I wish the day would come when this will all be over and I won’t reflect on that night but at this point, the memories keep popping into my head. I find myself constantly looking out my windows and avoiding possible places where he might be even though he doesn’t even live in the same state. This is crazy and needs to stop! I just don’t know what to do to make these memories fade….
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C. You need to get some professional counseling, especially if you are going through this trying to raise a young child. An instant release you can try is writing out your feelings, good or bad but especially when you are feeling bad and what triggered that feeling, if you don’t know thats fine but write what you were doing. Then when you get to see the counselor you can go over your exact feelings and work on them and your triggers. The sooner you get into counseling the sooner you will feel relief. I also highly recommend taking a self defense class to give you a sense of security back that you are lacking because he is around you. You really need to do that. The only way your memories will fade is when you face them head on and deal with them, so know that and do something about it so you can get your happy deserving life back, you are worth it! Stay strong! Lynn
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I’m in uni in a country which is not my home. a guy that i really liked and had consentually given my virginity to and i were in my apartment watching a movie. he wanted to have sex, but i didn’t i just wanted to fool around without having sex. after a while of oral sex, he pushed me onto my bed an raped me. that day i didn’t tell him anything, but after i laid there shaking with tears in my eyes. he didn’t stop and i kept asking him to. the next time i saw him, i was still scared of him, but i let him do it again. and again. i don’t know why i let him keep doing it, after everytime i thought he would never do it again and that it was just a misunderstanding that made it happen.
now i can tell how i’ve changed. i’m harsh to my friends and very aggressive, especially with my male friends. i know i’m not supposed to feel like it’s my fault, but the fact that i kept going back to him and forgiving him means that it is my fault that it keeps happening.
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K. You need to understand that rape is not about you it is about control and that is exactly what this guy was doing to you. Give yourself a break and stop beating yourself up, you’ve already been through so much. You said you kept forgiving him and going back, now it is time to forgive yourself. Forgiveness can help you tremendously. I wouldn’t even say it was your fault, I would say he had control of you. So hopefully now you have gotten out of that relationship and learned how a relationship SHOULD NOT be! Remember you can’t change the past, only the future. So forgive yourself, take it as a lesson learned, listen to your intuition and trust your instinct going forward. Stay strong! Lynn
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Last weekend I went out with a friend for dinner and drinks. I was a little too drunk to get home so he told me I could stay at his place and leave in the morning when I sobered up. Since he’s a friend I thought nothing of it because I’ve stayed at his place with nothing happening before. However this time was different. When we got to his apt he started forcibly kissing me. I was drunk so I was unsuccessful at trying to push him away. Then things started getting worse as he started to rape me. I didn’t know what to do and I froze. I became submissive because I was so confused. But then I started crying and he stopped. As soon as he stopped he started trying to apologize but I felt so disgusted and freaked out that I just left. He kept trying to call me and text me but I blocked the calls then soon after changed my phone number.
I haven’t said anything to anyone. Not even my friends, family or fiancée. I keep crying about it. I know it sounds crazy but he was my friend. I never expected him to do anything like this. I think I’m still in denial about the whole situation. I feel like it’s my fault. Like I should of known better than to go to his house. I don’t know what to do. I don’t even know how to reach out to anyone…since I’m still so embarrassed.
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S.C. The first thing you need to do is stop blaming yourself for anything and don’t be ashamed of something that totally was not your fault. Why because you trusted him as your friend? That means everyone out there that trust their friends are asking to get raped if they stay over. And you’ve stayed before and you were just being responsible to not drive so I seriously need you to stop blaming yourself. This guy knew what he was doing and that was taking advantage of you while you were in a drunken state. He probably had it thought out the whole time which is why he offered. Either way he knows what he did is wrong, it’s not you. The sooner you start to realize and truly believe that the quicker you’ll get to feeling better about yourself and placing the blame on him where it belongs. Once you can do that then you realize you are worth getting help and the quicker you do it the less likely it will effect your relationship in the long run. Because you don’t know who to turn to or who to talk to and frankly I think you should turn to the professionals first and they can help guide you how and who to talk to later. Go to rainn.org and find a professional counselor closest to you. Let anyone & everyone you talk to know that this just happened last weekend and you are terribly distraught to see if they can see you any quicker. You can see if you have a local crisis center, they typically can refer you to someone or might even offer counseling (adjusted to income IF there is a fee) at the location. Sometimes employers offer EAP (employee assistance program) through work and it is 100% completely confidential to anyone you work with. Typically it offers up to 2 to 3 free visits and if you need more they allow more, but once again by law 100% confidential. When it was available to me I used EAP all the time. You get so many per year. STart with the professionals and then move to fiancee family and friends – if you want it is your choice. The one choice you don’t have, is not to get counseling, especially if you want to have successful relationships (with anyone) in the future. We are wired with the ability to deal with rape and nor are people that have never been through it or not professionally trained in the area. And sometimes they don’t react the way we would expect good or bad. But as long as we try and have our head on straight then we hope to be able to deal with whatever the reaction is and not break our focus. Because if you aren’t mentally ready (and this will take time) and someone doesn’t react the way you’d hoped then all of a sudden you become worried about them and take the focus off you and become vulnerable again for someone else’s ignorance, which sometimes they just can’t help. In the meantime, write out your feelings as a mental release. You can trash them or keep them and take to your counselor for discussion. But this is an excellent release and can help you sleep better. Also, I would suggest yoga to calm you down even if you get a begginers dvd and do it in your living room (that’s what I do) and possibly a self defense class to help rebuild your sense of security. Take care of yourself, it is up to you and you are worth it! Stay strong! Lynn
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It’s been nearly 2 years since the incident happenend and lately i’ve been realy thinking about it. I Keep having real bad dreams and and fainted in the shower last night as a result of a flash back. Hate having to lie to my boyfriend about being in bad moods but its all hitting me all over again. Anyone give help on this matter?
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K. Sounds to me like you haven’t rec’d counseling on how to deal yet and if you have then get back into it. You will never be able to push it down and forget because it will always come back up. You have to get counseling and learn how to deal with the triggers and get your head in the right place. You can read any of these posts and see, trying to forget on your own just does not EVER happen. You should always tell any person you have a romantic relationship with also, because it is part of who you are and you need to know if they are strong enough to deal with it or not. I always recommend telling the person prior to any sexual activity because they are typically in or they are out, and don’t you want to know that before you give yourself to them? Anyway it is too late for that with this person but you still need to tell him (not necessarily all the details, just that this has happened and you are getting help). When you tell him let him know you don’t expect him to heal you, that is why you are going to see a professional. But what you would like from him is for him to be your rock and be sensitive to your feelings. Now you need to go to rainn.org and find the nearest counselor to you and get help. You mind and body are obviously telling you it’s time, so don’t ignore it. In the meantime, you can start writing out your feelings, good or bad just get them out of your head as a release, that should help with the bad dreams and anxiety. You don’t have to keep what you write, you can trash it if you want. Or you could take it to the counselor to help determine your triggers, it’s up to you. Just get the counseling because the sooner you do the quicker you will heal, I promise. Stay strong! Lynn
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I don’t really know where to start this… I was raped in January this year. I went on a date with this guy who was older than me, and we went back to his place to watch a movie. I had told him prior that I didn’t want to have sex until I was in a serious relationship. We were sitting on his couch and he started touching me. I told him not to, and then he started kissing me. I kept telling him to stop because I didn’t want to, and he said “Yeah you do.” He was a pretty big guy, so I couldn’t really fight back, and I just layed there. Ever since then, I’ve had nightmares about him attacking me, and in May I found out that I had HPV, and had to have some pre-cancerous cells removed. I knew it had to have been from him because I had only been with two guys before that, one we were each other’s first, and the other I always used a condom with him. I didn’t tell anyone about it until June, when I was staying the night at my ex-boyfriends house. I woke up in the middle of the night and started crying, and he was really supportive about the whole thing. I’ve only told a few close friends since then because I was really worried about what they would think, and they’ve been great. I just feel like a dirty whore now, and I keep worrying that no one will want to be with me and will just judge me, and it’s made me really depressed. I just really don’t know what to do anymore…
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S. I’m so glad that you have supportive friends, that is awesome and tell them thank you for me. What you need to do now is realize this was in no way your fault. Once you do you won’t feel the way you do but instead put the blame where it belongs on your attacker, he is the dirty whore and he is the one that gave you HPV. You did nothing to ask for this other than trust that someone would never do this to you, which is what we all think. I will tell you your friends as supportive as they are will not be able to help you recover. They can and should be your rock but you need counseling from a professional to help you get over this. We are not born on how to deal with rape, therefore only a professional can help you deal so don’t delay in getting help. Go to rainn.org and find the nearest professional to you. Your body and mind is telling you that you are ready for this process so don’t ignore it. I will also tell you that you can’t predict how anyone else acts, which is why you need to get your head straight so you can deal with others reactions. What I mean is when you are ready to have another romantic relationship down the road you MUST tell them about your rape BEFORE you have have sex. I know this sounds crazy but what it really does is it finds out if the person you are willing to give yourself to is strong enough to handle what you’ve been through. AND it is better to find out before you give yourself to him than after. Trust me the last thing you want to go through is thinking that this person could totally be the one and then rejects you because he can’t handle it. It is better to find out before than after, I promise! If you are having a hard time sleeping, try and write your feelings out before bed as a release and then read something positive or watch tv. This should help because you get it out of your head and on paper. You can throw it away or take it to the counselor to discuss just get it out of your head. These feelings have been so bottled up that they are bound to come out, so let them. The more you let out the more room you have to heal. Stay strong! Lynn
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It has been about 30 months since my incident. I was almost 13 when it happened, and I still haven’t told my mum. I have told my aunt, but she lives at least 3 hours away from me, and so it is hard for her to help me and take me to get help.
I still haven’t told either of my parents. My aunt is still the only person I know.
Since it happened, I have has a hell of a lot of nightmares, flashbacks, nightmares, and I have lost an insane amount of confidence.
I didn’t tell my aunt until January this year. It was a massive relief. She has done a lot for me but I really want to help myself, but I am really scared because I don’t want my parents to find out.
Sometimes when I’m in school, I’ll be sitting, doing my work, and suddenly, I’ll have a flashback. I am really jumpy and my English teacher frequently asks me if I’m ok because I’m worried she will tell my parents. I have a lot of trouble being around my parents’ male friends. In July, this year, I had a really big panic attack. I was at my aunts and she had gone out. But it worried me because I hadn’t had one in about 18 months. Since then, I’ve had 5. My last one was in maths during a maths test on Monday (16th/ 8th) it wasn’t too bad but it’s now annoying. could it be because everything is building up inside me?
I really need another adult I can trust in the same town as me. But I have no one else to turn to, as I have absolutely no trust in my mum.
I really don’t know what to do because most holidays when I spend time at my aunt’s place, she offers to take me to a councilor, I say no. Because I’m scared i guess, but deep down I really want to and I know I need to because it is affecting my grades at school. It’s also putting alot of strain on my relationships with family and friends.
Can you help me please?
thx.
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G. My suggestion would be to start with a school counselor. Not only will they be able to suggest you to some counseling but if your grades are affected they will understand what you are dealing with. It must be kept confidential on the counselors part so you don’t have to worry. If you don’t like your counselors then tell a favorite teacher, if you have one. Let them know you can’t talk to your parents and need help with counseling. Do you have a local crisis center? if you do they can give you help anonymously and sometimes even offer counseling for free so check that out too. There is also rainn.org that you can go to and find the closest counselor near you, let them know you are a minor and see in what way they can help. But from what I hear you are ready to get help so kudos to you that you realize it and are looking for resources. I promise you the quicker you get the help the quicker you will recover from this, so don’t give up. In the meantime, start a journal or at least write out your feelings when you are having a bad day or even before bed time if you are having trouble sleeping, as this is as excellent release. You can take your notes to the counselor to discuss or you can throw them away, just get these feelings out of your head so you can relax more. You know you are ready so don’t stop until you get the help you need and deserve! Stay strong! Lynn
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I’ve always said, “Nothing bad ever (usually) happens to me, my family, or my closest of closest friends.” I always said that because it’s been true. I mean, life isn’t always 100% great; accidents happen, people get hurt, but life goes on. Nothing really, truly bad has ever really happened to me, unless you count upsetting breakups (which I don’t, since you don’t need a relationship or a partner to make you happy).
I just moved into college, which is only a 45 minute drive from my hometown. The night of move-in day, they called every girl down to the basement for a meeting. It was one of the counselors for the rape crisis center on campus. She talked to us about being safe about drinking, all the usual points were made. Pour your own drink. Avoid the jungle juice. Keep your drink with you at all times, etc etc. I knew everything. Each freshman and transfer student was required to complete an online class called AlcoholEdu before school started. I knew all the tips, all the different types of ‘predators’ that could be out there (i.e., any and everyone). They said when you’re drunk, there’s no possible way you can consent to sex because you need to be in the right state of mind. That was the only part I had my doubts about (only a little doubt; i could see how that is possible).
I was taking a walk around campus around eight o’clock that first night. There were people everywhere, just enjoying each other, catching up, maybe tossing a frisbee or two. As I was walking, a hippie approached me, handing me a small flyer. It was for a small music festival coming up in the next month, and he was trying to promote it. We talked for a good hour about music festivals, and he got my number. It wasn’t that I was attracted to him– quite the contrary, actually. He was fat and a druggie, and I just didn’t feel that way about him. He was cool though, one of the few people I could really hold a conversation with for a long time. So I gave him my number, and he said he’d get ahold of me later on and we’d go out to a party.
I felt something, quite similar to my gut feeling/conscience/common sense/whatever speak up. It told me that was not a smart idea at all, whether he ends up being a rapist or not. I could tell the difference though, despite how slight it was. I had just come from that meeting, with the words and thoughts of that counselor in my mind. I wanted to make my own decisions, decide for myself what I want to do. So I went with him…
He walked to my dorm and waited outside until I came down. We started walking to the house, and then it started pouring rain. I was a little worried, but not too bad. Before I had left, I was joking with my roommate about how I was planning on bringing a pocket knife or something to bring to parties, just in case I was caught in a bad situation. (I was joking with her about it, but I was honestly going to). I was looking around the room for a small weapon to take, but couldn’t find anything, so she handed me her pepper spray. On the outside, I laughed and joked with her about it, but I was honestly a little relieved.
We made it to the party, soaking wet, and I was the youngest person there; a freshman in a room full of seniors and grad students. I’m not going to lie, I felt a little bit cool; I didn’t let it go to my head though. That night was a blast, and I had so much fun. I didn’t drink, but we stayed out until six a.m. and then I went back to my dorm, safe and sound.
Everyone knew him at all three parties we went to, and they seemed to accept me into their group, deeming me a ‘legit freshie’. I laughed it off, but it made me feel a little better, since I had not done so well at socializing on campus up to that point. From the way everyone acted, he was a good friend, always there to help out when someone was in trouble, carry a drunk girl back to her bed and put her to sleep (and he’d always leave after they were in bed). I heard a lot of stories about how good this guy was. It put my mind at ease, again, but I still wouldn’t let my guard down completely. People don’t always show you their true colors, even though I try to do so.
The next night, last night actually, he invited me out to party again. I met him at the library, which is in the middle of campus. I was a little nervous since it was about midnight, and there were few to no people outside. He was there with three girls, and all five of us walked to the double kegger. Once there, he opened his bag and distributed the alcohol to each girl, and then handed me a can of Twisted Tea that I hadn’t asked for. I took it anyway (I opened it myself). Half way through the tea, he brought out half a bottle of Seagrams Seven whiskey. He took the first swig, and handed it to me. I took a swig and handed it to the other guy sitting next to me (I’m going to call him James). The three of us slammed the rest of the bottle. (No, I didn’t do it to keep up with the guys. I did it to get a little tipsy.) I ended up getting a little more ‘tipsy’ than I thought, because time wasn’t going as fast as I thought it was, so my pacing was completely off.
Around 3 a.m., the party began to break up, and the three of us that finished that bottle decided to walk to James’s apartment. We walked there, and being as drunk as I was, I was having trouble walking straight. The hippie steadied me with a hand on the small of my back, occasionally moving to the hip farther from him. I vaguely remember feeling his hand ‘slip’ a few times, gently grazing over the back pockets of my jeans. I brushed it off, saying to myself if he tried anything else, I would call him out on it. After all, his hands didn’t linger for more than a second. When we got to the apartment, James broke up a little blue pill, Ecstasy, which I had never done before. (James said the pill was just X, not cut with coke or any other drug.) He gave me a third of it to take orally. Right before I was about to take it, I realized I was going to puke because of how much I had drank. I made it to the bathroom in time, and threw up the entire contents of my stomach. I felt so much better after that, but I was still drunk off of my ass. When I came back, James was upset because he thought I just threw up his pill. When I picked the third of the blue pill off of the blue carpet, he got excited and claimed I was the coolest freshman he’d ever met, for being smart enough to vomit and then take the pill. I only waited to take it because I knew swallowing anything would speed up the puking process, and I needed to get to the bathroom a.s.a.p. My stomach was still very upset, so we smoked a lot of weed in hopes that I would feel better.
James suggested we go to the hippie’s house, so we did. It was about 4 a.m. at this point. We smoked more weed, and afterword, the hippie informed me there was also opium with the marijuana. I wasn’t angry then, but it bugged me that he didn’t tell me I had just done another drug to add to the list. around 5:15, James got up and said he wanted to walk around town because he felt awesome. I wanted to go with him, because I did not want to be alone with this fat hippie in his room. For some reason, I couldn’t bring myself to say anything when he was leaving, such as, “Wow, that sounds like a good idea, I need to go to bed anyway.”
So I stayed with the hippie. Throughout the night, he had been getting a little more brave, caressing my shoulders, the curve of my neck, my legs, my stomach, my hair, anywhere except my chest or below the belt. I didn’t like it, but I didn’t know how to tell him to stop without being a total bitch (which now that I think of it, being a total bitch would have been quite alright).
We were in a deep discussion, and I could feel him leaning in to me, feel his breath on my neck. I quickly twisted the conversation a little bit, mentioning how I was against any type of relationship at this point in my life, when I’m starting college. I want to stay focused through my school and do NOT want my GPA to drop. Plus, I didn’t want him to get the wrong idea about me. I also mentioned that I don’t like hooking up, how I think it is disgusting. How being naked around someone is a big deal, how I believe the body is sacred, for a lack of a better term, and how it makes it even more special when you’re with someone if you keep yourself covered up until you find the right person.
He essentially asked me if I wanted to make out a little and cuddle on his bed. I declined. He persisted, and eventually I agreed to sleep in his bed, but nothing else. I passed out quickly, and woke up to my belt being undone as surreptitiously as possible. I pretended to be asleep. I kept my body as limp as possible. I laid there while he touched me, moved my shirt up, touched my bra, moved my bra aside to touch the skin on my chest. I didn’t know what to do. The plan was to pretend to wake up “in a few minutes” and leave. But I froze, and I couldn’t bring out my inner actress, which is usually quite convincing. The moment he touched me, I sobered up immensely.
He wasn’t touching me every second. He would take breaks, and if he thought I was waking up, he would stop. I felt so disgusted when he slid his pants off, and used my hand to touch his dick. I almost threw up, but I was only touching it for a few minutes… and then i felt something sticky on my hand. Ughhhhh. Disgusting.
At one point I pretended to wake up, when he was starting to get a little rough with his hands in my pants, and he quickly went into sleep mode, heavy breathing and all. I sat up, looked around a little like I was confused, and rolled over, away from him. I don’t know why I didn’t get up and leave, but I should have. I laid there, pretending to be asleep. He scooted closer to me so we were spooning. He pulled my pants down a little and started to rub his penis on the ‘exit only’ part of my body. Now I really started to freak out, but i just laid there. I don’t think he ever really got it in either spot, but I felt disgusting. I couldn’t breathe well, and his sweat was all over me. When he was done, he put his pants back on and passed out. I laid there for awhile, just thinking. I knew I didn’t want him to do any of that. But what I didn’t know was if I was a sick person for even feeling a little pleasure when he was touching me. It phased in and out, the pleasure. Mostly, it was just uncomfortable and dry and rough.
The next morning, around 11, I got up. I don’t remember if I slept or not. I acted normal around him, like nothing happened. He did the same. We sat on his couch and watched The New Guy, and he made me a delicious fruit salad. He still continued to have his hands all over my neck, legs, and arms, and laid his head on my arm while we were watching the movie. Even in front of his housemates (four lesbian rugby players! Great, right?) he would do it, and that made me feel even more uncomfortable. I never touched him back, no matter what he did to me. I never voluntarily held his hand (which he did while he was touching me, while I was ‘asleep’). Around 1 p.m., when the movie was over, I said I needed to get going, I had more orientation at school. He walked me back to my dorm, and I got on Skype to talk to my good good good friends Robin and Erik (they live in the Netherlands). I was fine until Erik made a sexual comment (like he usually does) and i started thinking about the night before… and when I realized what exactly happened, I started crying. They asked what was wrong, and after a little bit, I said, “I think I was raped.” I didn’t give them the details. I told them I didn’t know if anything happened or not, because I was asleep the whole time and woke up with my belt undone. I was so ashamed of how stupid stupid stupid I was.
I’m doing better now, about 24 hours later. I know it’s not my fault that happened, even though it’s stupid stupid stupid to do all the illegal things I had done. Whether I was drugged out or not, there is no reason EVER for ANYONE to do what he did. I know all of that.
At first I wanted to just completely forget my stupidity, forget it ever happened. Then I realized that’s pointless because if I don’t deal with it then it will just upset me the rest of my life.
So here I am, taking a step to get over this, by telling you, in detail, what happened. Where do I go from here? I feel like telling a whole bunch of people (i.e. my family and all my friends, or anyone else) would slow down my healing process. I’m not really feeling sorry for myself much anymore. It almost seems surreal. I’m surrounding myself with people and things that make me happy.
Oh, and another thing… What do I do when I see this guy again? It’s bound to happen (the campus isn’t huge…). How should I act? He doesn’t know I was awake through the whole thing.
Thank you for taking the time to listen to my story and help me out. I really appreciate it.
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E. First I would stay as far away from him as possible. If you do run into him get away as quickly as possible and if you can’t do that and feel you must say something, tell him you had this horrible dream then you realized later it wasn’t a dream and for him to please leave you alone. The one thing you need to know is rape/sexual assault is about control and based on your story it sounds as if this guy controlled you, and I’m a little worried if you are around him again you won’t be able to stand up for yourself which will only make things worse. This obviously isn’t the first time and won’t be the last so stay away #1, if you run into him then tell him you realize your dream wasn’t and ask him to stay away from you. In the meantime, you can get in contact with the crisis center and let them know you’ve been sexually assaulted and ask them to provide you with counseling, I’m sure they do. You might also consider taking a self defense class. And lastly, ALWAYS listen to your inner voice no matter if it’s only a whisper, listen to it. Better to seem like a bitch than dealing with being sexually assaulted! The quicker you get into counseling, the quicker you will be able to deal with this. You are doing the right things by surrounding yourself with things that make you happy, but you have to get your inner self happy too! Stay strong! Lynn
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i want to thankyou heaps for your help… i told my drama teacher yesterday, and i just wanted to thankyou alot. she understood that i have no trust in my parents and she is going to help me.
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