If you’re feeling lost and looking for some inspiration or would like to talk with someone that will not pass judgment on you, please feel free to contact me by leaving a comment at the end of this post. Posts are kept anonymous. Definitely take a minute to check out all the content. Is your rape controlling you? Well this website is to help YOU GET BACK IN CONTROL. It is to offer anonymous, encouraging ideas which can hopefully help rape survivors deal with their emotions, which is a necessary process in order to start the healing process. I thought as a survivor, with a year of personal counseling under my belt, and currently a rape counselor (my purpose in life now) why not share what I’ve learned with those in need. I know as a survivor the variety of mixed emotions, that can seem almost impossible to deal with at times, that affect you in your everyday life. As a counselor for 5 years I’ve also been exposed to a lot of different situations and types of rape. Please know you are not alone and you don’t have to be!.
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Dealing with Rape 
She asked me to read over this. First of all, please differentiate me from her cousin that has such a hard time believing. I would never have a doubt in my mind that she is telling the truth, i try to help her shake her feelings of guilt, because i know there is nothing she did wrong to bring this garbage upon her. I’ve been J.’s only real form of support through this whole ordeal, and although i am taking every step and reading everything i can, and formulating potential solutions, you’re right that i can never know exactly what it’s like. However, empathy is my gift and curse, so i do feel the pain secondhand, and firsthand, because i feel like i should’ve been able to prevent it. To get to the point, i don’t understand the deal with RAINN. They allowed her to go to a somewhat local center one time, and after quite a bit of time, she was ready to go again, which in and of itself is no small feat. They told her that she can’t go to them, that she needed to go to the center in her area, and being that there is no RAINN center near us, referred her to the local Adanta, which for several reasons she elected not to do. Small town, thats where they send these guys when they get DUI’s, etc.. When i called RAINN, to figure out why they wouldn’t see her, they told me they couldn’t see her because she hasn’t reported it to the police, although they saw her once in the past. This thing has been very discouraging for her, and i hope you could shed some light on why they would do that, maybe provide some encouragement, or at least some fresh ideas on alternatives. Thank you for your service, i’d like to help, any way i can.
Oh, and her cousin WAS there, she is just blind to the possibility. She would be implicating herself in a way if she admitted it. She and another person witnessed all of the events leading up to it, and heard the whole thing happen.
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Friend of J’s
Sorry for the delayed response as I was out of town without internet access. This is the first time I have ever rec’d a complaint about rainn and I’m sorry they didn’t offer more help to your cousin. I know that they act more of a referral service to guide you to local help. However, I have never heard of them turning their back on someone in need. I know the main centers they refer you to are your crisis centers which handle a lot of different things however most of them can offer help at little or no cost. If J. is ready to get serious help and doesn’t want to go to the center there I would do one of two things 1) ask the center for a therapist/counselor that they refer their rape victims out to when they need more intensive help (most have some but they aren’t free) 2) Look up therapists through her health insurance plan if she has one, so some of the charges are covered, if no health insurance just go to the yellow pages and search for a female counselor/therapist. I know you want to help and it is great that she has you to lean on and turn to but she needs to get professional help. You have probably already gone through my suggestions on my website on advice on how loved ones can help, but if not read through that as well. In the meantime of getting her professional help, tell her to write out her feelings. This is an excellent release and she can either trash it when she is done or take it to the counselor to discuss in detail, whatever she is more comfortable with. She could even look into group therapy, no one ever likes the idea at first, but trust me there is something to be said when other people understand how you feel and you realize you aren’t going crazy. There are also bonds for life built from group therapy. Thanks for supporting your cousin and don’t spend another minute of those who don’t. It’s all about turning life back into something positive, so understand when she wants to cry but try and help her find one thing a day positive and just get through that day without worrying about tomorrow or next week. She is lucky she has you and I thank you for being there for her, she obviously needs you. I hope I’ve helped. Both of you stay strong! Lynn
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hey lynn
I’m so glad I found this website.. I have a problem eating me apart right now
so when I was 16 I was at a party and we were all outside and there were these guys and one of them really REALLY liked me. I’d known him from school and it was the same old story.. he liked me and told everyone. well him and his 2 cousins were there too and everyone else went inside us 4 were all outside still. well they kept hitting on me and I made it VERY clear I didnt really like them that way. thats when the friend from school and one of his cousins held me down [unfortunately alcohol WAS involved..] and beat me with rocks and raped me. I was so so so so so so so scared that I didnt tell anyone til about a year ago and received therapy. I thought I was over it but I met a guy last year who was just as bad as the rapists in my opinion. he told me I’m stupid and ugly and just treated me badly. it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done but i got outta that relationship and was trying to fix my life. thats when I met S..
S is the best thing thats ever happened to me. he treats me right and even tho it hasnt been very long I know in my heart I love him. only the problem I have is from the rape, which I have nightmares about everynight and have since 2007 when it happened, and I dont think he understands. I told him this the other night and he took it okay I guess.. he didnt say much and I could tell he was just soaking it in. he told me its not my fault and everything and I think that its okay.
I’m just EXTREMELY worried about it now. I feel like I have no one to talk to who understands this. I feel like I should be over the rape by now but I’m definitely not. I think about it all the time and see their faces in my dreams. my last ex still haunts me too and just makes me feel totally worthless. I never want to have sex again cuz of everything I’ve been through but I know i need to put it behind me. how do I communicate to S that I have all these emotions?? when I try and tell him I honestly cant find words. I dont know how to tell him or if he even wants to hear them. I’m so afraid of falling in love and I’m afraid to be hurt again but I want us to work out. this isnt our only barrier but its definitely my biggest and I just dont know what to do. I cant sleep, eat, anything.
I need advice on how to deal with it and what to think.. I want to love him with all of my heart but I just cant bring myself to trust anyone. ]’:
sorry I’m whiny
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I was raped last saturday, Im in the Army and was raped by my squad leader. Im 20 and he incouraged us all to drink. And I haven’t in a while so I did. Hes higher ranking then me so my designated driver left me there without telling me, so he said I could stay the night. I was very drunk.I told my husband first who lives across country from me. He flipped out and blamed it all on me and said that I knew what was going on saying that i cheated on him. Weve been married for a month now and been having a long distance relationship for about 2 years seeing eachother for a weekend every 2 or 3 months but talk on the phone for hours everyday. He flipped out and told me he was going to kill himself. He had a loaded pistol so my mom told the police in the city he lives in which happens to be my hometown. My Unit found out what happened and Ive been talkng to the victims advocate who has had a stuation much like mine. But I still cant help but feel guilty because not only do i have the woulda shoulda couldves going thru my head but my husband is hospitaized and hes not blaming me much and more but my unit is sending me back home to be with him but I feel so helpless and hopeless. Ive went to the police. THis is the second time this has happened to me in the army once b4 my husband and i were even together. but this one was by my superiior whom i supposed to trust. Im so confused and hurt…why does this happen to me? not once but twice and why did my husbnd blame it on me? Im so lost. Im going home and living with my granma who supports me and so does my mom. Im trying so hard to be strong but i cant elp but think it was my fault i didnt put up a fight but he was my superior and was so shocked and was intoxicated. I feel so lonely. Im going to talk to somebody when I get back from my homestate but the first time this happened to me they didnt even bring me and the rapist to court they just wrote it on my medical records, and that uy is still in the army somewheres. Im in a new place now and i hope it goes better but Im scared. Very scared. He out ranks me which 1 he shouldnt be messing around with lower ranking in the first place and 2 he shouldve had us drinking at his house but Im still so confused.
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lost,
First of all you are not whinny, and I understand and sympathize with how you feel. Guys are really funny when it comes to this and no matter how much you know their personalities, they somehow always manage to have one or more unexpected reaction (my husband included just recently). I always say that we as individuals are not wired to deal with rape and that means the important people in our lives as well. However, the only way we can effectively deal with them is by taking care of ourselves first. Once you have your head one right, then you can handle it with others. It was awesome that you were ready to help yourself last year with therapy. Now a year later you are at a different place in your life dealing with different emotions which is why you need to go back to deal with your current issues. You are also so young and it sounds emotionally abused with the last guy, these types of trauma on young individuals can really leave lasting damage if not professionally helped. So go easy with your guy, let him know you care about him so much and that you want it to work that you are going to talk to a counselor. Because remember he doesn’t know how to deal and is not sure of trigger points or even how to handle it. Let him know you don’t expect him to know how to handle it so you are going to ask the professional. Tell him all you want from him is his support and to be able to cry on his shoulder if need and just let you let it out. Let him know there is no time frame on when you’ll be over it. But tell him that you are going to do your best to be able to deal with it so you can put it behind you into the past and not let it dictate your future. Then get to therapy. Also, I want to you truly believe something, try not to take what happened to you in either of your past situations define you (as in your low self esteem) because what happened to you was not about you then! It was about the perpetrator needing control and in some cases showing off. Your past boyfriend was the same, so try and let go of the bad knowing everything said and done was about control not you. It defines them as individuals that purposely did a horrible act. You were completely innocent to the horrible act just as you were innocent in the mental abuse. Let it go, let karma and God take care of them and focus on you and your new future. Stay strong! Lynn
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H.
Make sure of two things #1) you go and get professional counseling immediately #2) Make sure the right people know he did this to you. As soon as you can get your head right, realizing you are not at fault for either attacks and put the blame where it belongs, on your attackers, you won’t be able to deal with your husband. Everyone acts different including the people we want to turn to the most. The one thing I learned is that I have no control over others actions, only my own. So the more I healed the better I was able to handle the situation when it came up, wherever/whenever. I’m so very sorry this happened to you twice as I myself have been raped twice. It doesn’t define us, it defines how horribly common it could possibly be! In the meantime, of getting help, write out your feelings as I know they are raw right now. Whatever you feel write it out as a release. You don’t have to keep them, just get it out of your head. Tell your family that supports you, to do just that support. You don’t expect them to make you better, only you can do that for yourself through counseling with a professional. Stay strong and my heart it out to you! Lynn
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Hey…I’m in a bit of a weird situation. A good friend of mine recently told me she was raped a year ago, and she is still not over it in any way, shape or form. An unfortunate complication happens to be that she has feelings for me, and I don’t return them but I certainly do care about her as a friend. And I just have one question.
What can I do to help her through this?!
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Concerned Friend,
Your friend is obviously looking for someone to lean on and most likely feels very alone. Has she been through this by herself since this happened or has she had any therapy? If she hasn’t been to counseling or therapy she needs to go, especially if she is ready to talk. You need to let her know a couple things. First, make it very clear so she doesn’t get confused in the process that you will be there for her in support but that you are not interested in her in that way. I know it sounds tough but if she gets the wrong impression by your support and gets more involved with you in her mind it will be worse later when you let her down. It is better to be straight forward but at the same time tell her you will be there as a friend. You MUST also tell her that it IS NOT because of the rape (why you aren’t into her). That will probably be the first thing that goes through her mind so please make sure she doesn’t think that (even if it is true). The second thing is to let her know as much as you will support her that you don’t know how to help her and she should get professional help. We as individuals are not wired on how to deal with rape, therefore you want her to get the best help possible with a professional. You are probably the first person she has felt comfortable and safe with which is why she opened up to you however this can be very tricky because she might be mistaking those feelings as attraction. So be sensitive but honest and always be patient. Remember that rape isn’t something you get over, it is just that we learn to deal with it and there is no time frame. You can go to rainn.org to try and find a counselor in your area. I would like to personally thank you for being there for her and not running away. She is lucky to have you. Thanks and stay strong! Lynn
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hi my name is abby im 16 and i was raped last september by a boy 2 grades ahead of me at at party. Everyone had been drinking and it was a fire out in the woods. I had just started tennis and there were a couple new girls on the team that invited me to go. He punched me in the face and rapped me. The next day i had to go to tennis practice with a huge black eye and had to tell my coach what had happened. Next thing i know i was laying in a hospital bed with all these people asking me millions of questions and having to take pictures of every inch of my body. I know i cant take back what happened but he took all my innocence away. I no longer feel safe in the world that i used to, and my mind is just a big jumbled mess. it feels as it the world that i had known before is crumbled in a million pieces and i dont know how to put it back together. After the first few months after it happened i didnt think it effected me much but after that i started to realize how i couldnt handle stress and was overly sensative. after about a half a year i finally talked to someone at my school who i loved but she recently left for another school. Now im left feeling alone and confused and hurt. I have no confidence i dont know how i will ever get it back. It wasnt even that ONE night that affected me it was the whole experience, dealing with kids at my school and some not believing me and the terrible rumors that got started. And now that its done and over with i dont feel like im on the same page as everyone my age. THey all care about such little things that im just like are you serious?? My mind feels like im an adult and i think its because ive gone through something so tramatic. This has affected me in so many ways. He went to court but all he got was 3 years probation which wasnt enough to satisfy me or give me any sense of closure. I feel like such a mess and really need to learn how to deal with these feelings ive been experiencing. Thank you for listening.
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Hey there…so I started dating this really sweet girl about a month ago…two weeks into the relationship she confessed to me that she was raped just last year. In her own words she’s “still not over it” although I realize you probably never get over something like that. At any rate, she’s very raw about the topic so I have not probed any further than what she decided to say about it.
It sounds like she has gotten at least SOME professional treatment, although at the moment she is not getting any treatment for this. She cares a lot about me, and of course I care a lot about her as well. So…any tips on how I should go about this to best help her out? Should I leave well enough alone, try to talk to her about it, or what?
I’m pretty clueless about what’s best to do, although I do think I’ve been going about it alright so far. I’m trying to let her come forth about her on her own time, and simply being there for her and such. Oh and apparently the guy who did this WAS STILL CONTACTING HER via the internet, so I immediately cut off all possible means of him communicating with her.
Any advice you have for what more I could do, or what I could do better, would be highly appreciated! Thanks.
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A.
It is very understandable that you don’t sweat the small stuff anymore because you have been forced to grow up before your time. But I always convince myself to find the good (even when it is the most difficult, finding the good in something helps). The good here is that you stood up for yourself and that you know there are people out there that can help. Your friend maybe gone but you can still call or write. I know it isn’t the same but better to have that than nothing. Also, I know the punishment he rec’d doesn’t seem good enough to you (I don’t think so either) but let’s find the good. The good is he is now outed as a rapist and will always have to live with that. The good is he most likely won’t do this to anyone else in the future and that is because of you!!! You stood up for yourself and let him know it isn’t acceptable! I don’t think you are giving yourself enough credit. You have saved another person from having to go through what you did, and in my mind that is a hero! As you learn and grow more you will realize that you can’t control what anyone else thinks, but as long as you know you did what was best for you (even though it may be difficult) it really doesn’t matter what other people think. I chalk it up to ignorance on their part no matter who it is. I remember when I thought a friend doubted me and I responded with, guess you won’t get it unless you go through it and I hope you never do because I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Well they shut up. Another person who I didn’t care about nor barely knew, made a smart ass comment and I turned to them and said, “I’d watch what you say cause Karma in this case would be horrible for you”. They got it too. Bottom line, you can only worry about and take care of yourself. Once you have your head on straight you can deal (or choose not to and let it roll off your back) with everyone else later. My suggestion is to take a self defense class to get your confidence back, it will help tremendously. Stop listening or caring about what others think and take that time to help yourself, through counseling. Maybe even try group counseling because you will find life long friends there that understand how you feel (so you don’t feel like you are going crazy) and don’t judge. Seriously, call your local crisis center or go to rainn.org and find a group therapy near you and go. Don’t be scared be happy that there are groups out there so you don’t have to be alone. Whatever you do, don’t give up. You have proven your strength and I believe in you! Stay strong, Lynn
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Boyfriend,
First let me personally thank you for standing by herself and accepting her as who she is and NOT letting what happened to her define her!!! Kudos to you!! Secondly, let her come to you on her terms and only on her terms. We go through waves of emotion that even we can’t understand at the time. Realize that you can’t make her better. Your role is to be her rock, her safety net and a shoulder to cry on whenever she needs it with no judgment. Her role is to get professional help because we are not born with the instincts nor are we taught on how to deal with rape. That means she has to face her demons head on and put them behind her so she can concentrate on a good happy future. Both of you also need to know deep in your hearts that this is something that happened to her and does not define her. Place the blame where it belongs because it defines him. It was excellent that you stopped communications between the two. However, dealing with this in the past, if it is an old friend or family member (someone that has ties to her family), it is never that easy so keep an eye and ear out BUT never blame her. Rape is about control and that is exactly what he recognizes as her weakness and she has been traumatized. They play all kinda mental games that victims are vulnerable to, out of pure mental anguish. It takes takes many many days, months, even years for us to get our head together again let alone our strength. Remember that and support her, like it sounds like you are doing. Don’t give up and don’t let her give up. It is a process but the more she puts into recovery through professional help the quicker it will happen. She is lucky to have you and from my heart “thanks”. Stay strong! Lynn
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Thank you Lynn, I appreciate all your advice.
But there’s a serious problem!!! Neither she nor I know how, but somehow the guy has gotten her number again, and is now back into her life through random texts! Unfortunately she even responded to a couple of them (I don’t know why but oh well)!! She reached out to me about this, and I immediately advised her to delete any and all of the guys’ texts and to ignore and delete and further texts from him.
Even so, this is naturally causing her incredible stress, and shes told me that its bringing back all the horrible memories of the incident. She’s expressed that neither I nor her telling him to back off would have any effect, so the only solution seems to be cutting off this new means of control hes attempting.
I was wondering if it’s possible to block text messages on a verizon phone?
Neither of us know if it is or how to do so. Shes already changed her phone number twice, but SOMEHOW he keeps figuring out her new one from somewhere…
I don’t know, I could see her ignoring him constantly eventually making him give up but that road seems like a rough one for her. Please, I’m feeling useless here, what the HECK should we do to try and get this guy out of her life permanently?????
Thanks for all your concern and time.
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I think I already tried to comment but I don’t see it on here and I’m anxious for a response…so if there’s two comments by me that are the same I apologize!
New developments that are troubling and I(We’re) unsure how to deal with them. The dirt bag who raped her keeps getting her phone number every time she changes it, and she says she has no idea how. At any rate he texts her every now and then, and obviously that is stressing her out and needs to stop. I think there’s a way to block texting/calls, but even so I want to try to cut off whatever his source is. Any ideas on how to figure out where he’s getting his info and/or how get him out of my girlfriends life?
Secondly, I’ve realized, though we have not discussed it at any length, that she is a cutter. She’s an incredibly happy and bubbly person, so I’m pretty sure its a result of what happened to her. I’m having trouble understanding why though, as in why she would hurt herself like that? More importantly, though, how will I ever bring that up or try to help her to stop? Because I really think that kind of behavior needs to stop at some point in her life, its not good for her.
Anyways, thanks for all your concern, time and effort. Honestly, I get so empathetic when I see those I care about hurting that sometimes their pain turns into my pain, if that makes any sense, so this site has been an amazing source of comfort and help to me. Maybe one day it could be to her as well…at any rate, thanks so much for all you do Lynn.
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boyfriend,
I don’t know how she will feel about this but whether she wants to or not she needs to report the rape and the continued harassment. That is the only way you will get this guy to stop. Once you report it you should be able to get a conjunction against him. Then if he continues to contact her he will be arrested. I will be honest unless he has a prior record of sexual abuse or unless your girlfriend has any evidence on him the police might not be able to do anything BUT what you need to tell them is for her own reasons she didn’t report but now she wants to come forward so she can get a conjunction (restraining order) on him. Let them know you have changed numbers and he continues to contact her. You also need to know that this guy won’t stop until you do because it is all about control, the rape and everything he has done since. Then you need to get her to counseling. She will not get better until she seeks professional help. You can’t do that, only her and she will only heal as much as she is willing to help herself. It is not easy but neither is this. Let her know you will be there by her side for support but she needs help and thats OK. All of rape victims need the appropriate help to get better. Let her know it is not a sign of weakness but a sign of strength. I hope this helps and thanks again for caring so much and not running for the hills. Stay strong, Lynn
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I am the husband of a rape survivor, which took place about 2 months ago. My wife was raped by someone that she works with which by the way is also someone i used to work with as well. She was hit in the head with a bottle and had her nose broken and woke up in a random hotel room by herself not knowing where she was. Since it happened i have had a flood of emotions going through me every day I keep getting a mental picture of what happened and how it happend, and I dont know how to control it. What can I do?
Also my biggest concern is her. I read all the information on this site and i have soaked it all up and know that alot of the emotion she is going through. Right now she is at that point still that she feels its all her fault and she is thinking that she should have seen the signs that this was comming, she is afraid of what eveyone at work thinks, because they all think that she took a fall and joke around with her about it, not knowing the real story behind it. My biggest fear is that she is bottling it all up and not healing herself, because she doesnt want to talk about it because it wont help and she just wants to forget it. I know everyone has there own way of dealing with things, and she knows that she has my support and love no matter what. I have told her that anytime she needs to vent or wants to talk i am here. I know that the only thing that is going to help is time but i am still worried about her, because she isnt the same person she is very distant and i know that this again is one of those emotions that happens, but i guess what i am getting at is i dont know how to help her or what to do other that let her know that i love her and support her 100%.
Im not sure that this made a whole lot of sense but I just need alittle guidance or suggestions to help me deal with what i feel and with what she is going through, and maybe help her out the best i can.
Thanks
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I’m sorry for all the comments, but it keeps getting worse. I’m…very distraught and sad and confused at the moment, but I’m holding it inside. I have come to find out that, despite what she has said, my girlfriend did not block the guy at all but is actually still friends with him on facebook and even has continued wall posts with him….I suppose this would explain the other forms of contact as well. What I don’t understand at all is…WHY????!?!?!? How does she manage to still talk to that scumbag as if hes just another friend? Why doesnt she just block him and cut off all ties?!
And that brings me to my next point. You said you dont know how she would feel about your advice. Well I do, and i think its obvious with what ive said above, she is in no way thinking about tackling this like that. If anything what ive gathered from the only two times shes mentioned it is that she just wants to forget the whole thing and not deal with it.
You and I BOTH know that running away wont work, but how am i supposed to tell her this along with your other advice if this has to be on her terms? I dont want to upset her, but i dont think it would be loving to let her keep hurting herself by not facing up to the past and taking it head-on.
Trying to stay strong, but feeling very useless and no idea what to do.
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boyfriend,
Well I’m very confused by this too because in all my experience I haven’t had someone “willing” to in touch with their attacker. I’ve sen it when it is a family member or someone they must see but it has never been willing. My guess is this person has control over her and I’m not sure how or why. But there is a reason she chooses to stay in contact and it doesn’t seem that what you think is as important as staying in touch with this person. Not sure why and I’m by no means saying this person is more important than your relationship but this person definitely has control for some reason. The fact that she is cutting could be a much deeper problem. Not sure if she feels guilty or has a deep dark secret but something is going on. This truly is beyond my realm and not sure how to help. Once again she has to want to help herself and it doesn’t appear that she wants to let go of this person if she is not blocking him (at the very least) from her facebook page. That should be the first step. Is she responding to him or just ignoring him? If she is responding then he has accomplished control over her. If she is not and truly upset then maybe she has been threatned and is terrified. The one thing I know for a fact is that no one can just forget it and brush it under the mat. They will try but it always will come back and haunt them later and most likely at the wrong time. I also know you can’t tell her how to handle it, she has to do what she feels best. What I can tell you is to look out for threats or if she seems scared because he very may well be threatening her. Then make sure you document what you know and tell someone that can help. She is not the only one that wants to act like it never happened and not address it and try to get back to normal. Unfortunately, normality as we know it changes after rape. She will sooner if not later realize that there is no forgetting, only facing our fears and learning how to deal with them truly helps. But once again she is the one that has to come to that realization. But I am baffled as well IF she is initiating contact… If she is just responding then I understand the control issue or possible threats. However if she ever initiates contact then something is disturbingly wrong in my opinion and I feel only a professional can help her. Good luck and Stay strong! Lynn
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husband,
You are right that time heals but time only helps the healing process if and when she helps herself. In all my experience and as you can tell from reading the posts here, acting as if it didn’t happen NEVER works. It did happen and yes she is a different person now, but that doesn’t mean she can’t be happy again. Her life will never be the same no matter how hard she tries. But if she puts in the effort to help herself then she and you can have a happy life again. Albeit, probably not anytime soon because it does in fact get worse before it gets better. But here is the catch, the longer it takes for her to get help the longer it takes to heal. Now I’m not saying she won’t have good days but until she faces her demons and deals with them they will always be her shadow, and you can’t outrun or hide from your shadow. I will also tell you the longer she waits the more difficult it will be and it will affect parts of her life that she never would have thought of in many different ways. As far as what you can do, my best suggestion is to seek counseling for yourself, alone to set an example for her and to help yourself. She can only do it when she is ready it can not be forced. But if you show her you are not scared to go and that you want the best for you, her and your relationship you can lead by example. It will be tough but trust me when I tell you the longer you wait the tougher things get and the more issues you have to deal with. Now does this guy still work with her? Did she report it to the police or at least HR? If this guy is gone – great. If not then the fact that she has to go work everyday and face him is torment and something must be done otherwise it will be seriously detrimental to her, her work and you. Let her know it doesn’t matter what anyone at works thinks. She needs to take care of herself first. No one at work is going through what you two are going through so what does it matter. If this guy is still at work and he did this then I bet it isn’t the first time nor will it be the last. I would report it at the very least to HR immediately and if she doesn’t then tell her you will. Offer to go with her but she can not expect to get over this if she is still working with him in any sort of capacity. She needs to get professional help whether it be through a local crisis center or even an EAP (employee assistance plan) plan at work, which is 100% confidential by law, not even HR people or managemant at work can know and it is free to you. Or go through your health plan and seek help through a therapist or even a doctor to see if she possible has pstd (post traumatic stress disorder) which is very possible. Back to you, you are doing the right thing by not forcing her and being her rock and most importantly letting her know you love her unconditionally. Give her space when she needs it (especially when in counseling) and let her cry or talk when she needs it. I think the next step for you is counseling and your company might also have an eap plan, which I would try first. Most larger (over 25 lives) offer one and it doesn’t go through your health insurance. Thanks for being a great husband and know there is only so much you can do, she truly has to help herself and that is truly difficult for us because we think the easiest way is to shove it deep down, until we realize later that it nevers goes away, we only learn to deal with it. Stay strong! Lynn
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Hello Lynn:
I would like to get permission from you to put your link on my webpage, along with some of your own comments. I am a rape survivor myself, I was raped at 14 & am now 41 years old. My daughter was raped in December 2007.
My website has information about her rapist & his conviction. He is a serial rapist, we know that there are at least 4 other victims on campus. We are trying to get at least one of them to come forward to help put him away for a longer period of time. The website also has stats & information for RAINN & MOSCA
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Any positive information we can put out there to help other survivors is helpful. There just isn’t enough information out there. My goal is to help all these survivors survive with the least possible scars & emotional trauma as possible. It’s a long ugly road we travel to reach that spot in life where we are comfortable ourselves. People seem to have a good reaction or a bad reaction with us, there doesn’t seem to be any middle ground. Our healing and survival methods are all different, there is no handbook for this. Most people don’t seem to get that.
I am positive you are a wonderful therapist, you have been through it, so you know the process and emotions.
If you have any questions, please feel free to contact via e-mail. My website for you to look at is brandonjimersonrapist.com
Thank you
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D. Sorry for the delay as I was making some changes on my website. Yes you have my permission to link my website into yours. I agree, everyone is different in their own healing and what most don’t realize is that almost certainly can not do it alone and when they try it makes it harder on themselves and their future lives. So yes please utilize the website and we can try and help one at a time. Good luck with your own endeavor as I know how difficult it can be. Stay strong! Lynn
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Lynn,
I am really struggling right now. My girlfriend was raped a few months before we got together. We have been together almost 2 years. For all this time she hasn’t dealt with what happened to her. She pushed it down deeper and deeper. Now it is coming to the surface and she has detached herself from reality. She says she doesn’t feel like herself and she has lost herself. She looks in the mirror and doesn’t see herself. She is pushing me away. She is burying herself in her work which allows her to run away from where we live. She is no longer meeting my emotional needs and she won’t allow me to help meet hers. I am so lost, hurt, and confused. I know she is going through more than I am but it doesn’t make it easier on me. I am hurting because she is hurting and I have no idea what to do. Any advice you can give will be greatly appreciated.
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J. Stop feeling guilty because you can’t help her, she has to want to help herself. The problem is she has spent all this time trying to forget that she doesn’t want to re-live it again. But unfortunately she needs to face her demons straight on WITH someone that can help her, only then will she realize this wasn’t anything to do with her, rape is needing control. She was the victim but she needs to talk to someone or a group that makes her feel like a survivor. You need to get counseling for yourself, not sure if I’d tell her or say anything like, “I’m going why can’t you?”. Just seek for your own ways in dealing and I would most likely seek out a women and I would start with rainn.org to see if you can find someone in your area. A lot of times if you tell them you are self pay they cut you a deal or may even recommend a group that usually is minimal cost. Group is an excellent therapeutic (and quicker sometimes than individual) for all involved b/c it isn’t a lot of questions and statements, it’s more of learning how others in your situation feel and you can relate and feel like you are not alone and there is hope and ways of healing. But the most important part for your girlfriend is release and forgiveness. Release meaning all these years of suppressed feelings have to come out (won’t be easy for anyone), but then she will start to see the light and work her way to forgiveness. By that I mean to forgive herself for not getting counseling for letting her effect her life the way it has since it happened. To understand we are not wired to deal with rape so she can forgive herself for not understanding and for not being able to do it by herself. Once that happens and she can truly not feel guilty by understanding deep in her soul that this doesn’t define her only the person that did this to her. She never asked for this and it was a horrible act but nonetheless an act that happened TO her NOT BY HER OR BECAUSE of HER. Then she will start to look forward and not let this define the future she has left. But she must go through this and there is a must higher probability it will work if she goes through a professional therapist or counselor. Both of you can go through rainn.org to find some referals closest to you. Or if you work for a large company most have EAP plans that are 100% confidential and usually give a few free visits to determine the severity of counseling and then if more is needed can provide future visits at a small cost. From my heart to yours if you love her through this and you both make it, then you were meant to be. Thanks for being there and concerned and I know it’s tough but that is what love is, making it through the good and bad. Stay strong and good luck! Lynn
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i was raped from 12-14 by my stepbrother im now 15 n away from him but i never told n id know how to
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d. Well the good thing is you are away from him so just try and keep it that way. As far as taking care of you, you can go to rainn.org and they can help you find a counselor in your area. This can really affect your future in a positive way if you talk to someone about it and learn how to cope with future things that will come up in life. Is there anywhere to take a self defense class in your area? that would be make you feel physically and mentally safer and stronger. If you are in school go to a guidance counselor or maybe a teacher you can totally trust and confide in and they can direct you to the proper help they might be able to get you. The fact that you found me I hope gives you some self guidance in coping and know that you can feel better but you have to help yourself. You are worth it! Stay strong! Lynn
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Lynn:
I think that you have a great website. It appears that you have given hope to many many women who were in need. Despite the overwhelming positive message of your website I am concerned with on particular aspect. In the types of rape you describe type number two as submissive rape. I personally feel that the title is misleading and somewhat contradictory. I would argue that what you are describing within the context is stranger rape and intimate or martial rape. If you could possibly give me your insight as to why you chose to label this type of rape as you did I would be greatly appreciative!! Thanks so much for you time!
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J. Sorry for the delay as I had an accident recently and have been down a couple days. Thanks for your question. Submisive rape can be a very broad type of rape. The particular examples I used were types of submissive rapes. But to try and be more specific, any type of rape that you feel the need to surrender or are made to be obedience against your will, or even possible against all of your spoken emotions (saying no) you just know its going to happen (because of many different variables) and you give in to be able to get out quicker. It doesn’t matter whether it’s from a stranger, aquaintance or someone you know well. I hope that helps. Thanks for your encouraging words on the site! Lynn
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I’ve jus been raped nd I went on google 2 see how I should deal wit this nd it brought me here.I was raped by a by my boyfriend he was tired of w8tin nd he raped me. I told him 2 stop but it didn’t work maybe I shuldnt have kissed him, I dnt know wat caused him 2 nd he voliently choked me. I dnt kno wat 2 do im seventeen I never wuldve thought I wuld be raped nd I kno I cnt cry nd take showers all day anymore.
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F. Most importantly get away from him if you can. Because if you don’t he will continue to abuse you. That being said, try and go somewhere safe, a friend a church somewhere that you can trust to help you, not just out on the street. If it has een so recent that you have evidence then please by all means go tp the police and save the evidence, either way try and report it if you feel like you have protection, which you can ask the police for. No matter what happens try at the very least to get a restraining order on him and then take a self defense class. Read through my website for various different ideas that migth help in your recovery but you must immediately try to get the above done first. Stay strong! Lynn
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Hey there,
I’m 20, 21 in october. My girlfriend who is also 20, 21 in september… Have had something like this happen. Me and my girlfriend lived at my parents house on and off for 2 years. Just 2 months ago my girlfriend left me for no reason… which definitely hurt me after being with her for so long.. then after a whole month of me finally getting her to hang out with me again after she had been seeing other guys She asked if she could stay the night while i was out at a friends, of course i told her it was alright, and i was going to go home but when she asked it was already about 130 am in the morning.. I had already had a few beers like 3 and i was already tired from playing music all day.. so i fell asleep at my friends… Turns out my dad went into my room while she was sleeping and touched her and preformed oral sex on her and when she woke up he ran off… I have no idea how the case is going for him to go to jail but lets just say there was evidence on her and he made up a story about what happened so i know he will go to jail, its just my mom and family dont believe that he did that and I’m not allowed to go home (required by law) and I miss my mom so much and i miss being at home and I keep thinking about my dad and how much of a piece of shit he was.. See ever since i can remember my dad has been an alcoholic and he would beat the living shit out of me and my sister all the time, then one day he randomly stopped doing that.. changed.. and instead of physical abuse, he turned to Verbal abuse.. would constantly tell me i would never be anything and that he was going to leave me and my mom and just disappear somewhere where we could never find him. ever since this has happened (the near rape experience for my girlfriend) I have been staying at her parents house with her and I just miss my family soooo much and I’m not allowed to call or go over to my house or anything until the case is over and done with.. I just dont want to wait and I constantly am randomly depressed because I keep thinking about it.. especially at night.. I .. just dont know what to do. I also dont know about wanting to even be with my girlfriend after she left me to look for someone else, and I dont think that because this event happened that i should HAVE to be with her like that. i mean I want to be here for her to support her and help her through the healing process, but I dont know what to do because of the whole month of her running off with friends of mine and such. Idk. Im so lost. I feel so bad for having to stay here because I am basically homeless now because of all of this. I fucking hate my father I wish i could beat the shit out of him.. but i wont you know.. because I dont think its right, although i want to really bad because he totally deserves it. I just cant believe this is still happening. I dont know what to do, what do you suggest?
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N.
I’m so sorry for the delay as I was on vacation. This is horrible that this is happening to you and your girlfriend as you are both victims it seems. I hope your father is not around your mother and sister bc I can’t imagine why you wouldn’t be able to see them if he wasn’t there still, so I’m assuming he is, which sucks. They are and have obviously been victims as well through domestic abuse and if the police don’t already know that they should. I hope he is away from all of you. As far as your girlfriend, I can totally understand why she tried to get away and turned to other people. It was not intentionally to hurt you but to try and escape the situation and seek security, so try and understand that and don’t hold it against her or your relationship. When someone is sexually assaulted they go through some of the same feelings of rape and are emotionally confused and upset and seeing you most definately reminded her of the situation. the fact that she has come back to you and you are living with her means she is trusting you which is so imperative that you believe her. I guarantee that is the only reason she is back with you, because of your support and belief in her. So try your best to not concentrate on the past (since it can’t be changed) and focus on the future. You are right leave to not at on vengence b/c then you are going to get in trouble too and not be there for your girlfriend when she needs you the most. I think both of you should get counseling, seperately, because you have a lot of past issues with your dad too. I know you are lost and uprooted from your family but I don’t understand why you can’t talk to your mom, is it b/c she doesn’t believe the story and is taking up for your Dad? Women that stay in violent relationships are sometimes too scared to leave or not even allowed disagree with the person in control (your dad). Remember that so you don’t take it so personal. I really hope it isn’t b/c of that, if it is you can only do your part to help yourself and your girlfriend and I truly believe seeking professional help would help you tremendously. And if your mother and sister are still with your dad, you need to let the police know they could possibly be in danger as well, especially if he is threatening them. Hopefully, this is not the case but either way you can only control you, so you need to take care of yourself and be there for your girlfriend even if she is acting strange. I would talk to her and her parents (only if thye know) about suggesting counseling. If you are in college, you can seek a college counselor. If you have health insurance you can go through that, maybe you have a local crisis center or even go through a church. As far as your mom, can you write her a letter and let her know how much you miss and love her, b/c I’m sure she would love that. another idea to help yourself is for you to write a journal and get all these feelings out of your head and onto paper. That is an excellent emotional release. You don’t have to keep it, or you could and then take to a counselor to refer to. But when you start to feel anxious or lonely or mad get those feelings out on paper. This would be good for your girlfriend as well. I really hope you can at the very least contact your mom through email or a letter but I don’t want you to get in touch if you are prohibited. Let law enforcement do their work and don’t make it worse by violating anything the have instructed you to do. I promise you if you start writing out your feelings, especially at night when you are lonely, it will help you sleep better (maybe not right away) but it helps to release the feelings that are all locked up inside that need to come out. I know your girlfriend can go to rainn.org and find a counselor but not sure if they help significant others of victims but it never hurts to ask. They can give you a professional in you area, so at least ask for both of you. Just don’t hold anything against the actions your girlfriend did afterwards and be glad she is with you now. But it is obvious you both need help, and it won’t be easy but it will help both of you on dealing with your future, and whatever comes down on your father and your family. You know you want help because you are asking me and that is the first step! BRAVO you are heading in the right direction, even though I know it doesn’t feel like it. Sometimes you have to go through the rough times to get to the good ones, just help yourself and you will get there. It takes work, but it is so worth it. Stay strong and I hope I’ve helped. Lynn
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Hi Lynn,
I’ve left a comment yesterday but havent got anything back and cant find it on the website. Have you read it and is it gonna be posted? A
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A
Sorry for the delay I was only a little vacation and I try and take a mental vacation as well as physical when I go away. We all need those but I’m sure you were not expecting what happened on yours and I’m so sorry. My first question is did you report it and or at least go see a doctor? There is no right or wrong answer it just helps with what my suggestion is. I hope you at least saw a doctor and if you didn’t did they wear a condom? This is extremely important because if they didn’t wear a condom and came inside you , you will need to be tested for disease, it is too late for the morning after pill. (not sure if you can even get it there anyway). The last thing you need is to get a disease or pregnant. Hopefully they wore a condom and you are on the pill b/c that would be the the best scenario (if there is one) in this case, especially if you want to continue your trip. That being said you still need to see a doctorNot sure if you read through the website but if you did you will see where I state that a lot of family and friends don’t necessarily act the way you want, which is why you have to take care of yourself and try not to let how others act affect your healing process. Easier said than done but if you can it is the best way. That being said if you can talk about it that is fantastic b/c you are trying and ready to let it out and get help. It is extremely important when you want and are ready for help that you get it because you will go through a lot of different emotions and if you don’t get it when you need it you might shut down, especially if you are putting your friends needs before yours or trying to make light of the situation as if “no big deal I’ll get over it lets move on”. Not gonna happen, trust me. The reason it is easy to talk is because you are ready now. Here is what I suggest. Are you still in cambodia or have you moved on? Are you going to each stop for a few days on your trip or weeks/months? If you are moving a lot, not in any one place more than a week or so, I would go to a church and find someone to talk to that can give you guidance and support, in each place you go to help keep you opening up and strong. You never know what each one may have to offer. I can’t tell you what to do but if I was in your shoes and had the money and or capability to be on a trip so long I personally would come home get the help I need from a professional counselor/therapist (one that you can build a relationship with), get the proper tests done with a doctor I know and can depend on, take a self defense class and when I was mentally ready and physically ready resume my trip. If your friend is as good as you say she is she will completely understand. If she doesn’t thats when I refer back to take care of yourself first, then deal with the others. This has changed you and if you don’t get the help you need when you are ready it can be extremely detrimental to your future. The fact that you are having some good days is wonderful but you want them all to be good don’t you? I think you are ahead of most in the healing process by not blaming yourself for anything and reaching out for help so don’t stop now. Take care of yourself, the world will be there to travel anytime, but you need help now. Please get it and stay strong! Lynn
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Hi Lynn,
Thanks so much for your reply. I’ve read the whole website and yes as well about friends. I am trying not to worry about it now and it works. The thing is: i want to continue my trip because we’re not really travelling right now.We’re becoming professional divers right now, doing a course, with all lovely people, our own little house and much fun with diving. Yes i have my bad days but still i dont feel like going home, i have the feeling i would only get depressed there. I have seen the best doctor in the world the day after it all happened, because they had this international hospital there (lucky me) and i got HIV anto viral agents, the morning after pil and antibiotics for other sexual diseases. Gonna do another check up after a few months, but i wont get HIV infected cos i started these pills immediately after it happened. So i trust on that one. That takes away a lot of my worries anyway. Well i think your advice for sure is corect and maybe i need help but the thing is: i really want to stay here and do my dives and just have a good time. This seems to be the best solution in my eyes now, i wouldn’t feel good about going home now, i of course thought about this and talked about it with my friend, but i wanna stay. My friend is the best in the world: she says as well: if you want to go home we go immediately. And i know she means it. I am feeling quite well at the moment but for sure realize diving isn’t the way to get it over with but i just feel better now, staying here. Is that weird?? Because this makes me all confused about doing the right thing or not. Even though i feel this as the right thing, i hope i have my own choice in this? I feel like everyone says what i need to do and i just feel like not going home…is that weird?? Because i wanna do whats best for me of course. And this makes me pretty confused…i mean, i think i have to follow my heart now and my heart tells me to stay here for a while. I can always go home if things get worse, right? Thanks again for reading this and hope to hear from you soon…and of course i understand you sometimes need a proper holiday with all these horrible stories every day.. 🙂 Thanks, A
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A.
You are absolutely right, you have to do what feels best for you and knowing a little more about the situation, like the rec’d proper med. atttn and are doing something that really makes you happy, I think you are doing what you need to right now and that is good b/c it sounds like you are having better days than not. Please tell your friend how awesome she is for really validating your needs, whatever they are b/c it is so important, especially if you do change your mind. Don’t be so confused or think you are weird b/c you are doing something that makes you happy. That is what you need, as well as someone you can turn to day or night & be there for you and it sounds like you have that with your friend. So take it day by day, writing a journal always helps to release emotions, seriously even if not every day. I think that would be very helpful to deal sometimes since you are not at home. Thanks for understanding the delay. Stay strong! Lynn
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Hi Lynn,
Thanks again so much for your reply. It’s funny, a diary a already keep for ten years, i write in it every day, stories are adding up for sure!! And yes it took me a week before i wrote this story down, but when i finally did it were like 15 pages! So i am happy with my own kind of therapy. My friend and i are realy close already for years and yes i tell her every day how lucky i am with her. She understands every of my feelings even more than i do sometimes. I really am happy to have her here, if i would have been alone on this trip i would have def gone home. But now, the diving, bvecoming a professional, seems the best option to me. I talk and think about the rape every day and dont hide my feelings at all. I just do whatever my hearts says and when i feel like crying, i just do it. I have always been a super positive person because i’ve been through more stuff and i always try to learn a new lesson, although it’s hard after getting raped. I’ve dealt with an abortion before when i was eighteen and came out stronger and healthier. This shouldnt have happened, but i am so happy i know it isnt my fault and i couldn’t have done anything to avoid it. I cant change the past and i’ve always realized that with everything in my life and that is a very good thing i think. It must be difficult for you to judge these stories only from emails. I talked about your response yesterday with my friend and she said: you can’t talk to Lynn in real and if you could, she would know you’re doing the right thing. That is why i am very happy with your respoinse now. Because staing on this island for two months now definitely feels right and even though i am busy during the day, i am not the kind of person who hides her feelings or gets into drinking too much. I know this is gonna take a while and a lot of effort, but i think i will be alright in the end. It was a horrible experience and even though guys did it, i can still feel sympathy for guys and even like them. Not in the way i would go dating, but i trust guys still, i know they’re not all like the cambodians who raped me and that feels very good. I can have good days for sure and for sure also my bad moments. My friends don’t respond the way i want but yes, i am managing not to think about that too much. I hope i am not weird indeed, because i feel like i deal with this a lot different than most people maybe? And then i always hear i’m in denial but i am really not. I fully accepted the situation and i am not gonna let myself get depressed, but i am gonna give this a little space in my heart and try to live with it. I will manage, in the end. I am very happy, my friend actually discovered this website for me and i am happy for this. My friend is the best in the world, she is there every time and knows i can change my mind every day and that is fine with her, that takes away a lot of worries. She goes through the same emotions as i do, she is the best friend i could possibly wish for. So i thank you very much for the reply. I am afraid i will someday get a very bad time though, i hope not. But if it comes, it comes, and i would love to keep you updated, but you might have too many stories already.
Thanks Lynn, you’re really making a difference…
A
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A.
I’m so glad I could help but you are helping yourself even more and that is wonderful. You are obviously a very strong (but knows it’s ok to be weak) and well minded person who respects and loves herself and I can tell that through your coping skills. You are right in that you will have bad days but you are coping well and realize when it needs to come out it will. But you are wrong when you say I get too many stories, you can always write me! I always love to receive updates. Stay strong! Lynn
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I was raped when i was 15.. I went to a after homecomming party with a senior guy when i was only a freshman.. He overpowered me and gave me some kind of drug and then raped me.. Its still difficult to talk about and i still have nightmares about it.. I dont sleep much anymore because of them and im not quite sure what to do.. Im usually a very strong person but i cant seem to shake it.. I guess it doesnt help that when i was younger i was molested.. Im so tired of feeling weak.. Im so tired of not sleeping.. Im so tired of nobody else knowing its such as huge burden to bear… Im so confused.. So lost… So tired… I dont know what to do anymore…Please help..
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B. Don’t worry I always edit the names so you are good, that is why this is anonymous. You obviously have some deep issues if you were molested when you were younger and never rec’d help. Now that this has happened it is like re-injuring an old wound. You truly need to get counseling. I would suggest strting with a counselor at school, someone you can trust, even if it starts with a teacher. Taking care of you is the first priority and if this starts to effect your school work they will be able to work with you or if you need someone to turn to while you are at school. Secondly, I’m hoping this guy since you said he was a senior is no longer at your school bc they need to know if he is still attending for your safety and others. If you don’t feel you can turn to someone at school try going to rainn.org and find a counselor therapist in your area that specializes in rape. You truly need to get professional help as we are not wired on how to deal with rape. Another excellent way for you to cope is to write a journal. At the end of everyday write how you feel and if it is bad or good write out why. Then you can always write if you are having a hard time and just need to release your emotions. You don’t have to keep it just get it out of your head & on paper as a release. This will help you sleep better and you can be truly honest and not worry about judgment. So if something triggers bad feelings you’ll know and then maybe when you see a counselor you can share those feelings (if you feel comfortable) and they can help you avoid what triggers your bad feelings. You are so young and have a wonderful life ahead of you, if you start working to make it wonderful. Your future is going to be determined by how well you help yourself. It won’t be easy but nothing that is worth it never is. You will and can come out of this stronger if you put the effort into it. It sucks that we have to do all the clean up ourselves, but that is just the way it is and you I promise will ultimately come out stronger and more cautious to the horrible people out there. think about taking a self defense class too, as that not only helps with your sense of security but also your self confidence, so you don’t feel weak. I hope I’ve helped. Stay strong! Lynn
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Hi Lynn,
Things are still the same; yesterday i heard a story about a girl raped and murdered on one of the nearby islands here in Thailand, horrible. It’s then i realize i am happy to still be alive. Well i need your advice about something. I really don’t know what to do: my parents got the great idea of visiting me in TRhailand, since i stay here a while because of the diving things! I am soooooooooooooo happy they’re coming and it feels like something meant to be because of all that happened. But, i am so afraid to tell them what happened. I already figured out i WANT them to know it, because they are my parents and it feels better for me if they know. But i don’t have a clue how to tell them this horrible news. I am afraid they will not be able to deal with this the way i can now, and that they’re gonna think i am just acting happy instead of being happy. I am also afraid they will say i need to come home with them and maybe they even think it was my own mistake (since i was drunk and I know it wasn’t my mistake but i think i’ll maybe even get angry if they tell me to be more careful). I am afraid it’s all gonna be very horrible and their holiday will be ruined. I don’t know what to do, which moment to pick and how to tell them this. Should i tell them in advance, before they see me, so they will have some time to deal with it already?? Or just on the holiday itself? Because it is gonna be a HOLIDAY for them and i am about to ruin their nice time. I know they’re gonna be so happy to see me and i know deep inside i need to tell them something. I feel like they spend a lot of money to see me here and will not even have a good time because of this story. But i need to tell them and my chance is now; like i said it seems like it’s meant to be they’re coming over. I can’t just not tell them and pretend everything is fine and tell them when i arrive back home…that’s impossible. I hope you can give me some advice on this. I know i shouldn’t think about others ppl’s feelings too much but somehow i feel they’re not gonna be able to handle this and then they will go home depressed while i stay here…i only want to tell them when i am sure they can copy my behaviour somehow, just try and be positive, like i am,…but of course i cant be sure about that…hope to hear from you, A.
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A. If you know for sure you want to stay and you feel that is it truly helping you to stay there right now then if it was me I would tell them after they left. Keep in mind it is just a suggestion and you if the time feels right to tell them when you’re there, you might want to do it then. But if it was my daughter I would be taking her home with me. So if you really want to stay, let them enjoy there trip there with you and you enjoy your time with them and then let them know after they leave. And also explain the reason why you waited to tell them bc you really wanted all of you to enjoy your time AND explain that what you are doing is really kind of therapy for you which is why you wanted to stay and are doing good. Remember this is just a suggestion you have to do what you feel is right at the time, but don’t stress too much about it. Stay strong! Lynn
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hello im not uite sure where to start. im 19 now with 2 beautifull daughters and a boyfriend that i hope loves me more than any body could. it happened when i was 15. i was at a young farmers party at a cattle market in deon this guy had been hitting on me all night. i had a little to drink it was hot inside so went outside to get some fresh air. this bloke came outside also and started talking to me which i thought ok being friendly didnt think nothing of it. then he took hold of my arm told me to keep quiet and took me over to a dark part of the cattle market. i didnt know what to think or say or scream i was so silent i suppose i was scared as i didnt know what he had on him or what he was going to do. he started kissing me all over and i kept dodging his mouth. he stank or alcohol. he then undid his trousers and forced me to give him oral sex which made me gag and i was sick. then as i only had a skirt on forced him self into me. the pain was sharp and i couldnt push away as he had my hands held down to my waist. after he had done what he had intended on doing he pulled up his trousers and walked off. i wasntsure what to think i went back inside to find my friends. i didnt tell my mum untill the next day. we went straight to the police which they done all the usual tests etc. even though its 4 years on i cant seem to just get rid of the thoughts they are with me day in and day out. i just want to be a normal person with a normal life i had conselling which at the time done me good but as its been bought up alot recently its all come back like it is happening all over again. i cant budge it at all. i know its going to stick with me but hoped not like this again. i can still see his face now. the police never caught any body and to be honest unless he was wearing exactly the same as what he was that night i wouldnt know him either. just need some advice please i cant take it out on family like i did when it happened.
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K. My first suggestion if the counseling helped to get back into it. You obvioulsy need and are ready to talk about this so try to go to a professional and take care of yourself. Does your boyfriend know? If he doesn’t you might want to tell him, not necessarily the details, saying that it happened and you don’t really want to go into it but it has been bothering you lately and want to go get help. Let him know it has nothing to do with him just certain things trigger feelsing that you thought you had under control and need to try and get back in control. If he loves you he will understand. You need to do this for yourself and your family. In the meantime, write a journal about how you are feeling and what triggers those feelings. And write when you are good and what made you happy. By keeping a journal it can help you learn things to avoid and things that make you happy. You can also discuss these things with the counselor and she can give you ideas. But this is the best release to just get it out of your head so you can relax. If you don’t want to keep it you can just tear it up and throw it away but just get it out of your head. Do you have a friend you can talk to 24/7? But it needs to be someone that will listen and not judge. Sometimes it really helps to just know that someone is there anytime that you can just talk to or cry to about it. You can only take it one day at a time but focus on your beautiful girls and the good things because that is what we want to bring into our lives. We can’t change the past but we can create our future. When you start feeling down listen to a song or watch amovie that makes you happy, even a photograph that makes you smile. But most importantly, let it oout when you need to. The more you let it out the more room you have to heal. Stay strong! Lynn
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Hi Lynn,
Thanks for your comment…i would really want to tell them while they’re here…just because it doenst feel right to kinda act if nothing happened and they might blame me after their holiday for not lettinbg them know. I know it will be hard but i really don’t know how they’re gonna react…so you might be right with your suggestion. But it just doesnt feel right to me to do that to them. I am really worried about this now and i really feel sad, because this should have been the best moment in my trip; my parents coming over to visit, but now it isnt…i think i’ll feel a lot better when i’ve told them, but that of course depends on how they react. I have been thinking about this a lot, and i also thought: if i dont tell them immediately and first let them see me as how i am now…they’ll believe me then, believe that i am still happy and maybe adapt to my dtate of mind? I mean, if i’m not gonna be totally depressed and in tears, they won’t be either, i don’t know, i just hope that. Maybe it’s just a bad idea and i don’t want to be the daughter that ruined their holiday or even their life. But they are my parents and we’re pretty close and it feels good to tell them…but it also feels heartbreaking when i think abt their reaction. I really dont wanna feel guilty after telling them. Cant i just tell them before i tell what happened, how i hope they’re gonna react? They wont help me by being totally depressed, because i am not either…i just don’t know what to do. And what do you mean after they left?? Would that be when they arrive back at home? Because i might stay away for another year and so this feels like my only chance, and meant to be as well…i hope to hear form you..
Anna
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A. Like I said before you have to do what and when it feels best for you. I just know if it was my daughter I wouldn’t let her stay there, probably for selfish reasons but my daughter would be going home with me. I totally understand you want to tell them and you should, just don’t expect or worry about their reactions but you can only control yours actions and moods, not theirs. Everyone we love acts different and we can only hope for support, but they will go through different emotions as well so just be prepared and have your arguement reasy on why and how you want to stay. Make sure you immediately tell them you rec’d the proper help and medical attention and that you feel it is really helping your soul to recover even though you are still there. I’d be interested to know how they take it and I can only hope they understand your need to continue. Let them know you feel safe and supported with your friend and that if anything changes you will go home if you feel necessary. Just do what is best for you, not them, for now. It might be hard for them to understand just ask them to be patient bc whatever they are going through you have to so just try and work it out together and let them know you will keep in touch and that you hope they will be there for you when you need them. Stay strong! Lynn
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At the beginning of the year, I was setup by a woman I thought was a friend and was raped. Afterwards, I immediately went to the police and the hospital, followed all the correct procedures. So far, neither the woman or the perpetrator have been caught. As a result of the crime, I delivered a healthy child this month. I have decided to keep the baby right now and when I look at my child, I am overcome with emotion, mostly loving and positive. I am 37yrs old, divorced and celibate (just not dating for awhile).
I am not at the point of post partum yet but am very frightened about my feelings. I have frequent flashbacks and nightmares. My family and friends know and have been supportive but I still feel very edgy and uneasy. I feel like I am the only one in this situation and am trying to stay above water. Each hour is different. I would appreciate help. I tried a group called RAIIN I think but they just referred me, they did not have trained counselors to talk to.
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T. Yes that is what rainn does they refer you to counselors in your area because a person typically needs several visits if not more, so they give you a local referal. You should try again as this is a very tricky situation and your emotions can be very sensitive and strong at the same time. I would talk to your doctor and know the sypmtoms of post partum depression and if thhey aren’t already make them aware of what happened. Maybe they can recommend a good counselor in your area too. If you feel the need for immediate asssitance you should have a local crisis center which have hotlines 24/7 to take calls to help calm you down or just someone to talk to. I would find those numbers and have them readily available. Do you have one friend that you trust enough and can be there for you 24/7? Try and find that person and just let them know you are going through some strange emotions right now and might need their comfort. I always suggest a journal in addition to counseling. The journal can be an immediate release & possibly you could talk to your counselor about it or not but especially if you do it at night before bed it can help you sleep better. You will need counseling so try and get it as soon as you can and take care of yourself so you can take care of the baby. If you aren’t good the baby will feel it. Stay strong! Lynn
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Hi Lynn,
Still thinking bout my parents and when or even if to tell them. My friend back home gave me some real good advice. She said that i have to ask myself WHY i want to tell my parents. If i really think i need to tell them, then there is no such thing as ruining their life, because i am telling them because i want them to know. I dont want to NOT tell them because i am afraid of their reaction you know, that shouldnt be the reason not to tell them…i think i really just want them to know what happened, and why: because they are my parents and i trust them and this is something big, not just something. I want them to know. Should i still be worried about their reaction?? Or do i need to tell them because i feel like it? I just spoke to them on the phone and they’re so happy they come and see me, i can already see my dad’s happy face and i don’t want to ruin their trip or their life. But my friend says not to worry about them, but do what is best for ME. I really don’t know what to do…i have three weeks left until they arrive…and i hope i will get a sign somehow about what to do…and maybe you can also give me some advice again. I mean, you already did but now i find myself more thinking about my parents possible reaction than anything else and that’s nnot a good thing either. I just want to make a decision and stick on it.
This week i started to have more bad moments than i had before and i just took them as they came. I cried and told my friend, wrote in my journal and felt depressed. But after that mood i feel the sun is shining again and sometimes i feel very lucky, really lucky that i am still here you know…because i could have been dead as well…and realising i am not makes me happy, instead of sad BECAUSE it happened. But i am still far away from being completely fine of course. I met this guy a week ago and had a nice and good time with him, good conversation and we had this click. Then he asked me what happened with my eye and he somehow kinda guessed what happened so i was really surprised and he was very sweet, reacted nice. A few days later, he gave me a hug and asked me: can i kiss you as well? And i really loved this guy, he was so nice (back in Australia now) but i couldnt do it. And he completely understood…very good. But i felt bad after this…i am afraid i will never be the same again and i will never even dare to kiss a guy again…but its only three/four weeks ago now so i maybe shouldnt worry. I see it positive: i already felt comfortable enough to spend time alone with a guy…and that’s a good thing isn’t it?
Hope to hear from you… x
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A. Your friend is right you have to do what is best for you, because you don’t know nor can you control how they react. It is easier said than done but if you feel you are telling them to help you, then tell them. If you need and want their support, then tell them. It’s about what you need and why you need it, not about them in anyway, not about the trip, not about how they react, it is about you. So do what you need to for yourself in your recovery. And as far as the guy, that is a good thing and very good thing that you could feel comfortable with him. It’s OK you didn’t kiss him, you were doing what was right for you at the time, so don’t feel bad about it. Feel good that you were able to trust enough to have good feelings around him, that is a huge positive. I’m proud of you and you are gonna have better good days than bad. Stay strong Lynn
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Thanks for the feedback. It is helpful to know that you are here to reply and give me assistance. My emotions have been up and down lately, it sems they change every hour.
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My fiance recently told me that her ex was very notorious for trading sex with her for things he wanted from his friend. Oral vaginal and anything else you can imagine. She wont go into detail about it, all she will say is that it happend. It is always on her mind and she says it makes her feel like a “whore”. What can I do to help her?
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W. As hard as this is for me to say, she has to want to help herself. Rape and it sounds like this relationship is all about control. He is controlling her and until she breaks the cycle it will continue. She will definitely need some heavy counseling because it sounds as if she feels she has no self worth. She has to put the effort into her saving herself. You can support her but she has to want to do it. She probably feels trapped. Is there anyway you can make a game plan to save money and find her a place to live where she can leave and him not know where to find her? We give out safety tips like make a code word so if she really needs help you’ll know and to make an action plan on how to leave. Like pack the valuables/important papers so if she has the opportunity to leave she is prepared. Otherwise if this isn’t a situation where she is trapped, she has to be the one to walk away and ask for help, when she is ready on her terms. But definitely try to get her into some type of counseling. She has to change her thinking to realize this is not about her but the control someone has over her. So she needs to get back in control of her life. And this guy isn’t the guy she needs to be with let alone marry. Stay Strong! Lynn
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Dear Lynn,
There is a lot to tell you and that’s why i email you. I was/am the girl who’s still rather positive and is thinking about telling her parents about the rapes in Cambodia. My parents are here now and i hoped i would immediately get a strong feeling about what i should do, but i don’t have that feeling. They are sooooo happy to see me and it’s great to have them here. It’s amazing they took so much effort to come and see me here. They arrived two days ago and since yesterday night i feel a bit depressed.. Not only because i don’t know what to do, there is another story but i will tell you in this email later. But i feel a certain distance between me and my parents, that i created myself now because i can’t tell them about all this. I feel like i am grumpy too many times and they haven’t said anything about it but i don’t know, have the feeling i am disappointing them. I feel very bad about the fact they don’t know about all this, and for me it would be better to tell them since i then can explain the situation and i don’t want them to leave thinking they feel like i didn’t really enjoy them being here. I think they don’t even notice this distance i am talking about but i do. And my friend here says: when i see you now i think you should tell them because you’re feeling shit now not telling them. But i am so afraid Lynn, i don’t dare to tell them and i don’t know how. But when i really think about it i know i am gonna feel worse when they leave and don’t know it. I am sure about that. What do u think, is this the reason why i should tell them rather than not to?
Then i have something else which i really feel weird and bad and good and ashamed about at the same time…I met a guy, and we got along quite well, didn’t tell him the story. After a few nights of talking he invited me to watch a movie at his place and i knew he liked me. I wanted to go there just to see what would happen and how far i could let him go without feeling bad. I wanted the challenge because i am always thinking about how it’s gonne be in the end when a guy likes me. I liked him as well. Well, we were watching the movie and he kissed me. I thought about what happened in Cambodia and tried to feel bad, just because i didn’t wanna do anything i shouldn’t do. But i didn’t feel bad, so i let him do it. And then we went a bit further. It was all very easy and relaxed and he was very sweet. I let him go further and in the end i actually had sex with him……and i feel SO WEIRD about it. I tried to feel what i should feel, i tried to feel fear and i tried to get flashbacks from Cambodia, and i got them, but i could see them separately from what was happening now. And i was very conscious about what was happening, i analysed all my feelings right then and none of them was very bad or made me feel uncomfortable. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t the greatest night ever, since he was more of a test for me, but after i felt so weird about what happened. I didn’t sleep that night, just spent my hours thinking about this. There is a few feelings i have after this night. First of all i felt ashamed. I just feel like i am a person without feeling; how can this happen so quick after the rape and how could it feel so normal? I am afraid i just don’t have any feelings and that might as well mean that i am not conscious enough about what happened. But i also feel relief and i feel this was my victory. But i still think it isn’t a right thing to do for someone who has just been raped six weeks ago. I always pictured being with guys for the first time again like this: i would have to spend forever to trust the guy, then tell him the story and then slowly get into sex and stuff. But now i didn’t even tell him the story and it just happened. It feels weird and i wonder if this is the most abnormal thing you’ve ever heard. Why do you think this has happened?? My friends reacted different; i told two of my best friends. The first one is the girl who’s here now and she was actually happy for me, she calmed me down as well and said i shouldn’t be ashamed and this doesn’t mean it’s all over already. My other friend, who can’t see me as how i am now, she was worried about this and thought it was strange. But they obviouslky have different opinions and the girl who is here with me says that people who can’t see me and see how i deal with everything, they won’t understand. But i am very confused about the whole thing and don’t know what to do. Am i weird and should i be ashamed? Or should i be happy with it? I really don;t know…and i am afraid i am not dealing with my situation the right way. I hope you’ve got some useful advice and ideas about this and my parents being here (for 8 more days)….hope to hear from you..
A.
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A. So very sorry in the delay as I have been chosen to speak in Washington on Capitol Hill for rape, tomorrow & things have been crazy. Bottom line, you are going through what every rape survivor goes through when they want to find out how sex is going to be again or if they can even have it. As not normal as it felt in somw ways, others were Ok. We all have to go through it at some point or another and it’s not about a time limit it’s about when the opportunity with someone you connect with happens. So stop feeling guilty! Yes, you can feel weird and like something truly is different deep down with the trust level, but you will follow your instinct more which will be at it’s heightened to notice the signs. I can’t tell you wha to do with your parents, just go with the feeling if it ever feels right, if not then don’t just follo wyour instinct. You are strong and you should have NO shame or guilt ONLY PROUD of who and where you are in life and how resilient you are. Stay Strong Lynn
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Lynn,
I found your website this evening and it is a fantastic source and inspiration for rape victims.
I am a 22 Year old guy who was raped at the start of this year by my boss who is also a guy. I sought professional counseling after the incident through my work EAP Service, this helped quite a lot and I thought I was over the initial trauma and doing quite well. I have a girlfriend who I am madly in love with, and who loves and supports me. She knows all about the rape, I have told her details over time as I didn’t want to put it all on her at once, and often don’t feel comfortable talking about all details at once and would prefer to space it out.
I have recently found myself to be getting very very angry over small things for no apparent reason, and then take it all out on my partner which is not fair. She has never done any wrong by me, and I hate myself for taking it out on her. She says that she understand but I know deep down unless you have been through the experience yourself you cant even begin to comprehend the rush of feelings and emotions that occur during and after the incident. I am not an angry person, and have never been angry in the past – I am on a whole very laid back and quite relaxed but recently I am finding that my anger is just getting out of control. I dont know why I am getting so angry, I can feel when I am starting to get angry but I don’t know how to stop it from happening. I desperately want it to stop, I want to calm down again, I dont want to ruin my relationship because I don’t think I will ever have what I have with my girl now she means so much to me, but I cant keep getting angry at myself and at her, its just not fair. I have thought about taking a break from the relationship but these thoughts just make me feel down because she offers so much support, and when I am with her all the feelings go away and I feel truly happy again. I just really want the anger to stop, and to go away… what can I do??? Is this a result of what happened? I don’t want to suppress the feelings obviously, I want to clear up the issue and make it all better, I just don’t want to be angry anymore.. Please help, I feel so lost!!!!!
J
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J. Really sorry for the delay. I’m leaving in the am to DC to speak on Capitol Hill for rape survivors and my life has ben a whirlwind, so I apologize bc I feel the desperation in your email. First of all, have you forgiven yourself? Not implying you did anything wrong, but from your description it sounds to me like you are holding all of these heavy feelings that you need to release and know that what happened doesn’t and never will define you. It is something that happened to you not who you are. Let it go. Love your wife. Love yoru life now as you know it. The only thing you can control is your future, let the past go and focus on what you want your future to be. Really it is that simple, just hard to get there I know. At least you have your family and that is a blessing in itself. Focus on the good, always focus on the good! Stay strong and again accept my apology for the delay in the response. Lynn
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HI Lynn,
Thanks for your email back, i feel much better now. I’ve told my parents the story, their holiday is now over, they stayed for ten days and i told them on the third, they were really sad, but reacted exactly how i wish they would; they gave me all the choice o stay here and they suipported me whenever they could. We talked lots about it, took them out for dinner one night without my friend, so we would have time to talk about it, because i thought that would be better for them to ask me quetsions. I didnt tell them in detail what happened and they didn’t ask me, there was a real good understanding between us and i am soooo happy i told them this, i feel like our bond is stronger than ever now. I miss them now they’re gone but i feel better staying here now they know about it.
Well and the rest…i’ve got my downs for sure. And i want to tell you about the general feeling i have then. I feel ugly, because my eye is still a bit blue from the beating and i have a scar now which no one sees, but i do. I feel like i have to buy more and more stuff, like clothes, to compensate my feeling. I know i am not ugly but at some points i really feel worthless..and i seem to get a bit obsessed now by clothes but also by just other stuff. Like i now suddenly keep an agenda of what to do every day, while i am on a ‘holiday’ you know…thats weird and i feel a bit trapped in my own chaos in my head. I created it myself and i completely realize it is because of this, so i notice it for sure. And that might be the first step to do something about it but i dont know how. I have such a chaos in my head about things, unimportant things i need to do and if i don’t complete them, i feel bad. It’s like i am becoming a control freak or so. Bit weird and i wonder what you have to say aboout this…is this normal?? And what can i do about it?? Also, the last thing: i feel weird now because i know the time has come to think about myself again. I mean, i’ve spent all my time thinking about what to do with my parents when they’d arrive and now i dont have to do that anymore. And it seems i am a bit trapped now, don’t know what my next step should be…pfff, it’s all weird. Still my friend is amazing, she helps me out every time i cry about the same stuff…
Hope you can tell me what you think about this…
X A.
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A. I’m so glad you recieved the support you needed from your parents, that really is so awesome and I’m so very happy for you. What I want you to do next time you want to make a frivolous purchase is to wait 24 hours and see how you feel then and if you really need it. Seriously, wait 24 hours for any purchase. Remember you are out of the country and if you have an emergency you will need to be able to access cash. Part of the “control freak” thing is because that is how you want to feel now, in control, not unusual at all. Just remember, being in control over your mind is better than things that might not be necessary. Everything trapped in your head needs to come out on paper! Start writing, and if you do it before bed at night it will help you sleep. Start thinking only about the day you are in and try and step back and take in where you are and that you are on a traveling vacation which means structure to a degree, but take the time to relax when possible and it will help. Do you know or have access to a yoga class or even a DVD. Oh my gosh yoga helps calm and really helps your body stretch so you are relaxed and less apt for injury. Even beginners is awesome. Hang in there and stay strong! Lynn
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I just read your “It’s not your fault” section, and it had me in tears. I have not come to the point of accepting that it wasn’t my fault. I can’t seem to grasp it, partly because it was a guy I went back to after questionable things had happened and then I decided to drink. I have never really understood why I felt better blaming myself, but it has been over a year since it happened and it still very much affects my life. I just want to be back to myself again. I have never really liked who I am, but I really don’t like who I am since it happened. I have terrible moods, I go from up to down and a friend even asked me if I was bi-polar because of my changing moods. I just want to learn how to accept this and move on from it. It is not fair that it has such an affect on my life. I went to try to talk to someone once but I just can’t bring myself to do it. I just want to have dealt with it already, but those times that I honestly think back on it or when memories are triggered, I realize just how little I actually have dealt with it. I have had people that I talk to tell me that I am healing, and maybe it is me, but I just don’t feel like I am. I know that I should be happy about the small victories, like being able to sleep again without much light, sleeping without nightmares, having less flashbacks and panic attacks, but I just want all these things to no longer be a part of my life. I feel like they will always be there and that is just overwhelming and depressing for me. Sorry just kind of rambling I do that, I guess I am just looking to finally accept that it isn’t my fault..I still am not to that point and I am not sure why….
B
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B. Scroll down to SJ and read her last post. She finally let it out on paper and was one the best releases she could do. If you’ve tried talking to people (which I still suggest) but feel as if you haven’t really gotten to where you need to be. Start your journal girl. Seriously, write down all your feelings, good or bad. if you want to reflect on when it happened, I suggest you do to get it out of your head and on paper. It truly helps and then when you do find a good counselor maybe you can share your notes. At the very least you will determine what your trigger points are. You do HAVE to know it wasn’t your fault and forgive yourself for whatever reason it is that makes you think that. Forgiveness is the toughest part. It’s is easier to blame ourselves for something we think we did wrong, than to accept we had no control and did nothing wrong! Think about it! Stay Strong! Lynn
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I am a 21 year old girl and few days ago I was raped on my way from college. I haven’t told a single person yet and i don’t think i will ever be able to tell a soul, my friends and my sister can’t even notice that I’m not ok and I know that some of them will even place the blame on me. I feel that if i nobody knows then it didn’t happen, it already feels like it was a dream or it happened a lifetime away. The weird thing is I’m not really depressed, maybe it because I am busy with exams, but it feels weird. I’m not crying or feeling sorry for myself… well, I still freak out when someone walks behind me or when a guy tries to talk to me, i just want to scream and run, but thats all. is this all normal? another thing is that I haven’t seen a doctor, I’m scared of getting bad news… what should I do?
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T-do. You need to see a doctor if possible to get preventative meds. If he used a condom then you are probably good if not, get to at least a health clinic or even better a local crisis center. If you have any eveidence keep it whether or not you decide to report it. I believe your local crisis center doesn’t care if you report or not they can help but it’s all about the time frame so the sooner the better. The trying to forget is the most common reaction because we don’t wat to have a reaction or feel it so we push it away and try and stay busy/asleep/wasted whatever to forget about it. Problem is it will always be there like your shadow, the only thing you can do to get better is face your demons and fight through it by counseling. The longer you wait the longer it takes your life to get better and will come out in every aspect of your life when you least expect it. this just happened, you have the chance to start now and start the healing process now so you can learn how to deal and get your control and self confidence back. Stay Strong! Lynn
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What if I didn’t say no, what if I was really drunk, and blackout out a few times, but I was not forced to stay where I was. I sometimes get stupid when I drink, but I’m married and love my husband. But I can’t sleep at night anymore, I replay what happened over and over again, I feel disgusting, my husband knows, but when he touches me I feel sick. What if I didn’t say no or try to get away, was I just cheating, even if I didn’t want it? What does it feel like to be drugged? Could that have happened? I’m so confused. It feels like my world is destroyed and it’s all my fault.
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Well I can tell you when you are drugged your head is extremely cloudy for like 24 to 48 hours after the fact and it is very difficult to put things together, if you remember anything at all. I thin you need to get to counseling if you want your marriage to work because you need to feel love from your husband and he needs to be the one you turn to for love, support and trust. You might want to even consider couples counseling so you both can understand better what both of you are going through. Your world will never be the same, I’m not gonna sugar coat it. BUT if you put the effort in to make yourself better and stronger to get through this your new life can be better. But it will only improve as much as you work on it. The longer you wait the longer it takes to heal and can destroy not only you but the things around you. Forgive yourself first and then you will be able to accept the help. Forgive yourself for the drinking, like I said before drinking doesn’t mean you are asking to be raped, otherwise almost everyone in the world would be asking for it. The more you get it out, whether through writing, counseling, crying just get it out and then you will make more room to heal and start a better and stronger life, for you and your husband. Stay strong! Lynn
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About five weeks ago, I was at a party and was date raped by a very good friend. I have gotten the school that we both attend involved, and the rapist is convinced it was something we both wanted, though I was asleep and did not speak once during the incident. I am recovering through that part slowly, however my extremely dysfunctional parents are making my life worse. I have had a rollercoaster past with them and while at first they seemed very supportive and loving, now are tormenting me. My mother and father are convincing me the incident was my fault and used words such as “slut” and “whore” to describe me, and say that there is something wrong with me. All of my friends have not wanted to speak with me since this has happened (due to the fact that they are mutual friends between the rapist and myself) so I have been dating someone SIGNIFICANTLY older than myself. He has made me feel so amazing and filled me with support, but my parents are threatening to cut me off financially and emotionally if I continue to see him. To top it off, my rapist gave me 2 STDS (one which is not curable) but my parents are convinced it is the older man that I am seeing who gave it to me. Should I really stop dating someone so supportive to go back to my controlling and emotionally/physically abusive parents? Is the guy I’m dating taking advantage of me at this vulnerable time in my life so he can date a younger woman? I’m so confused and alone, all I ever want to do is cry. What should I do?
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A. Sorry for the delay, I was gone for the holidays. I wished I knew your age, but I’m assuming you are in college (not high school). But nevertheless at least you pointed out that you realize you are at a very vulnerable state right now which is one thing you must always try and keep in mind. The second is put yourself first and do what is best for you. That being said, before we talk men and parents let’s get to you. You need to be in some type of counseling asking the counselor the exact questions you asked me. Reason being is there seems to be a much more with your issues that you need to delve into, it sounds like. So take care of yourself first by getting the proper counseling, not from parents or boyfriends. You can go to rainn.org and find someone near you that can help or you can possible ask your school if they have a counselor (if you haven’t already). If you don’t feel comfortable with that go through your parents health insurance or even try calling a local crisis center and they can refer you to someone. I’m sorry your parents are reacting this way as it is very unhealthy for you. But unfortunately we can not control how others react/act, we only have control of ourselves. Have you had the STD conversation with your boyfriend? Because if not you need to and he needs to get tested and precautions need to be taken going forward for both of you. Now answer yourself this question? If you had not been raped, is this the type of guy you would normally go out with, even if after getting to know him? If the answer is no then you are in this probably more for the support and vulnerable state you are in. If the answer is yes you would then be honest with him and take it one day at a time. But when you answer that question, if you really think your parents will follow through on their threats, you need to make sure you think this man is worth it. Personally, if you are living on your own and you can’t make it without your parents support, this man better be the one because if not you might regret it later. You go through many many emotions that are very hard to understand and almost all rape victims act out in many different ways after their rape which is common and understandable, but not always the best choices, which we realize later. And because this is so fresh for you I’m scared that this man might be more security to you than your future, do you understand? You need someone (other than him) that you can turn to 24/7, whether to talk, cry , watch a movie, go shopping or whatever, just someone you can trust and will be there for you without judgment. If you don’t have this person then that might be what you are leaning on him for, and this is a natural instinct, because you have lost your sense of security. So really only you can answer the questions, but hopefullly I’ve given you some things to ask yourself to help figure it out. As far as your parents, I would be cordial to them when necessary, but keep your distance until you can get your head under control. Once you get yourself better then you can choose how to deal with the others, but you come first. Make sure you talk to the counselor about your parents relationship as well as the new man in your life. Until you do start writing out all your feelings as a emotional release. Sometimes by writing, you can also determine trigger points of your feelings. And make sure you read website pages so you know the feelings you will go through, so you won’t feel so crazy. And you know what, that’s probably why the guy that did this to you raped you because he has std’s, asshole! Just remember this was NOT your fault and put yourself first and get some help. The quicker you get into counseling the quicker your life is going to improve. Stay strong! Lynn
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Hi.
I was raped almost 8 years ago. I never told my parents, I never saw a counselor, I never really got over it. Some times during sex, I have panic attacks. Even in serious relationships. Even if I completely trust someone, it will just happen.
I also think this has led me to be promiscuous. I have heard that this is a common side effect of having a traumatic sexual experience.
I hate the thought of going to a counselor again. I went before for depression and anxiety and I just felt like a I was talking to a robot. Someone that was programmed to give me definitions out of book. Someone that classified me with everyone else. What do I do?
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K. The key to what I get from your story is that you stated you went to counseling before your depression and anxiety, which is all the more reason to go now. I am not a physician but it is possible you have ptsd (post traumatic stress disorder) and have had it for a while, which is why the panic attacks. Not everyone likes the first counselor they go to, but don’t give up on yourself go to another. It is up to us to help ourselves, as you can see it doesn’t go away. You might want to consider group counseling. Personally I think all rape survivors should do it because they can build bonds there like no other bond. Someone who understands what you’ve been through and makes you feel not so crazy by realizing you are not alone. Call your local crisis center or go to rainn.org and find either an individual therapist or group counseling. First, make an appt with your physician to see if you have pstd and if it can be treated. See if your physician can recommend a therapist for you that might be covered by your health plan (if you have one). You don’t have to go into the details with your physician just let them know what you told me. You don’t have to mention the promiscuousness, which you are correct it is very common and normal, not necessarily good but normal. Another excellent release when you feel anxious is to write out your feelings. Just get them on paper and out of your head. You don’t have to keep it, you can flush it if you like just get it out of your head. Sometimes, I ask if you keep them you might want too take them to your therapist to discuss so they can help you with how to handle them if it happens again. I hope I’ve helped, stay strong! Lynn
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Lynn, I wrote to you a while back and you gave me some great feedback which made me understand a lot more about what happened. Although it felt liberating to finally put everything in words, I have not been able to stop thinking about what happened. Yesterday as I lay in bed, a thought hit me and I can’t believe that during all these years, I never even contemplated it before. I realized that the situation that led to the rape might have been deliberately created by one of my room mates/friends. All of a sudden lat night, I realized that he had been present the whole night up until the moment of the assault. He introduced me to the guy, the three of us shared a joint, he watched us dance, and he even offered to lock the door of the room from the outside! There were four other room mates, numerous friends and others at the party and the house was huge. Still, this particular room mate’s face is the only one I remember seeing the whole night. I must say I panicked when I started thinking about this. To calm myself down I have been trying to tell myself that the thought is absurd, what reason would he have had to do this? The only reason I can think of is that he had (at least at the time) somewhat of a skewed view of women. He was overly protective of his sister (would barely let her go outside on her own) because he didn’t want her to be seen as a “whore,” while at the same time sleeping around with what he saw as “promiscuous” women. I on the other hand, was a young and outspoken feminist (I even once shredded one of his pornos). Maybe he didn’t like that part about me? But then on the other hand, one of my other female room mates was very similar to me in her views. The only other reason I have to believe this is that he a few weeks earlier, while we were alone in the house and were “play-fighting”, had wrestled me to the ground, straddled me and held my wrists to the floor. I don’t think that I was really scared, but it felt kind of uncomfortable before he smilingly let me go. I guess my question is: Do these things happen? Or am I just paranoid? Is there any information out there on this kind of accomplice thing? I know I’ll probably never find out, but I can’t let go of the thought now that it’s in my head. Thanks so much!
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MT Glad I was able to help and to answer your question, yes these things happen all the time. Where I live the police busted bartenders that were involved in date rape. One would be working & the other not working but going up on his night out, point to the girl he wanted & the bartender would put the stuff in her drink and then rape them. I know you knew this guy but there are a lot of sick people out there that might think they could watch or take stupid bets or just make stupid ignorant decisions via alcohol/drugs/mental issues or just plain sick. It’s hard to say exactly what happened in your case, but don’t ignore your intuition, ever and if anything you will learn from this and be more aware in the future. So take this in a good way that these things can happen and turn it to a positive that you now will be more aware oof what is going on and your surroundings. Hope that helps! Stay strong! Lynn
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Hi Lynn,
Some time ago i wrote you…and i have news: i am notg travelling anymore, we went back home. The last weeks were a bit of depressions and bad moods and we were about to go to Australia and work there…but we talked about it and came to the conclusion that i just couldnt really handle it anymore. I am ‘home’ now, however, it doesnt feel like it cos i dont even have my own space yet. Living with my parents at the moment and i just want some space for myself, to cry and think and do whatever i wanna do you know. I know i made the right decision, to come back and go and seek help, i will do that, i wanna feel better and i wanna face what happened. I still dont feel completely depressed or anything, can have awesome nights out and nice talks with friends and then i can feel happy. But the general feeling wasnt the happiest anymore, i used to be happy and i am not anymore that happy, thats why i wanna do soething about it. I know it’s the right thing to do but i feel even more lost nowi am in my own country again, where i really dont wanna be at the mloment. I dont know how to deal with ‘alone’ time anymore. I have been travelling for the past eight months with my best friend, she was always around, And now sometimes i have free time; dont know what to do. I feel unhappy then, write in my journal and cry for ever. I didnt seek help yet because i am trying to find a place to live for my own and then i can start. But i hopein the meantime i will be able to keep everything together. Because i am now at the point that i just dont talk about it anymore. I pushed it away untill i can get some help…and so i hope thats soon. I was able to talk about it anytime with anyone before but for now i just pushed it aside. what do you think i should do?? I am actually a little proud of myself about coming home, the hardest decision ever since this trip was sooo important to me…X
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A. I’m proud of you that you know you need help, made some big decisions and did what was right for you. Just remember we can’t run from our shadows and until you get the professional help you need this will always be your shadow. But “A” you are so strong and the fact that do have happy days and appreciate them so much and realize that you can and deserve those means you are so much more ahead in your healing than you think. If you are writing and crying you are feeling and releasing and that is so good. You have to go through this, the more you release the more room you make to heal. So you are doing all the right things you just have to get to the next step with the professional help. When facing your issues and feelings you will become overwhlemed, that’s suppose to happen. You need to feel to heal. So you don’t realize it but you are doing all the right things. Check into getting a dog or a cat (I recommend a rescue) but you won’t feel so alone and when you get your own place they will be their to love you with no judgment. Just an idea since you are home. Stay strong! Lynn
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i was raped by one of my best friends… i liked him but i wasn’t ready for sex of any kind and he just didn’t care… afterwords he kept on asking me for dirty pics and i sent him a few cuz i thought he would hurt me or get me in trouble… now every time i take a step towards having a sex life with my boyfriend of over a year i think of the rapist… i break down every once in awhile even though i keep telling myself he’s not worth my tears… it wasn’t my fault but i still feel like a whore… i made out with him… i tempted him… but i told him to stop… idk what to do… i want to have a real relationship with my boyfriend in every way but idk i’f i’ll ever be able to… i feel broken… like i can’t be fixed…
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K. Broken is a very common feeling and yes you can be “fixed”. But you can only get better by the work you put into it and I mean by through professional counseling. It won’t be easy but you have to be able to believe in yourself and this doesn’t define you it was just something that happpened to you. This act defined your rapist, not you. Listen, until you can believe that you won’t be able to have a successful relationship because you are carrying around guilt and shame like a bowling ball on your shoulders. The day you can forgive, yourself, for letting this man control your life is the day you take your life back. You are a good person who was taken advantage of and now needs to learn how to deal with this so she can improve her life and self worth. So take care of yourself first, get your head straight and then you can deal with relationships. Call your local crisis center and they can refer you to a therapist. Go to rainn.org and find one near you, both of these are anonymous. In the meantime, write out your feelings whn you get upset, it is an excellent release just to get it out of your head, then you can flush it if you want or maybe take to the counselor to discuss. We are not wired on how to deal with rape so do what is best for you, be strong and get help. Lynn
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Thx Lynn for this site…My girlfriend of a year and a half now whom i love so very fearly was raped by an ex, and yur site has really helped me learn how to help her deal and be supportive. Thx so much.
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hi.
I’m so so so tired of the tears. I am in an incredibly loving relationship with a man, which is making me (not him the love for him) to deal with these issues of rape from over 14 years ago. I have always been able to avoid dealing with it in past relationships b/c I always dated men I didn’t love and thus rarely had sex with them, just enough to meet whatever quota I felt applied to them. But now I love a man truly and deeply and I want to be intimate with him, but the more I want it the more the tears take it away from me. I find myself asking him all the time “why don’t you want me” and he thinks I am crazy for thinking this b/c he wants me like crazy, but I don’t see it. I think if a man doesn’t “take” me in an aggressive manner I don’t know what to do. I feel like a child just discovering sex and feeling all awkward and stupid about it. I just want it to be “normal” like in the movies where everyone is enjoying themselves and it just works. He says he wants to go slow b/c he wants me and he knows that he is not getting all of me. My eyes wander to the ceiling apparently and I don’t look at him. I can’t look at him. Writing these words just makes me cry. I can’t look at the man I love in an intimate setting. So so frustrating. oh well anyway. just thought I needed to vent a little. back to work. thanks!
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A. The fact that you sought the need for help and realize these feelings need to be released and seperated from your current relationship is one a part of the strongest healing components. Please don’t look at this as bad, but good that you realize, feel and now recognize that you are not willing for this to be in your current relationship. So now what? Forgive, for any and all things in the past and start your new future. This sounds like the guy you want to be with, right? So don’t you dare let what happened to you in the past, something that can’t be changed, control your happiness in the future. the futue you deserve and the person you WANT to be with. Once you release and I recommend counseling to help with all of this (you are not wired to handle this on your own, no one is) you will believe in your future, what you deserve and let yourself fall into a relationship naturally, not needing to be controlled. Glad you vented and hoped I helped. Stay Strong and it sounds like your body & mind are ready to take the tough steps in the right direction of your future. Lynn
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