If you’re feeling lost and looking for some inspiration or would like to talk with someone that will not pass judgment on you, please feel free to contact me by leaving a comment at the end of this post. Posts are kept anonymous. Definitely take a minute to check out all the content. Is your rape controlling you? Well this website is to help YOU GET BACK IN CONTROL. It is to offer anonymous, encouraging ideas which can hopefully help rape survivors deal with their emotions, which is a necessary process in order to start the healing process. I thought as a survivor, with a year of personal counseling under my belt, and currently a rape counselor (my purpose in life now) why not share what I’ve learned with those in need. I know as a survivor the variety of mixed emotions, that can seem almost impossible to deal with at times, that affect you in your everyday life. As a counselor for 5 years I’ve also been exposed to a lot of different situations and types of rape. Please know you are not alone and you don’t have to be!.
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Dealing with Rape 
T.
I’m so glad you have a good friend that supports you please thank her for me. Now what I need you to do is NEVER let him touch you again. It is OK to be scared but it is NOT OK to let him touch you again. You need to NOT let him control your life that stupid pig! DO NOT worry about what anyone else thinks because only you can protect yourself. What is worse, being judged or raped or beaten again? Seriously think about it. And if he is doing it to you he is doing it to someone else that bastard! Here is what I need you to do. If you were grown and this was your daughter, what would you tell her to do? We are all scared, including me but I know if I don’t take care of myself no one else is going to do it and I’d rather have people judge me and be safe than put other peoples feelings before me and get the shit beat out of me or looking over my shoulder all the time. You are so young and have a long life to live (thanks to your will power and your friend). Do you really want this pig to dictate how you live the rest of your life? No you don’t. If you can’t tell your father then tell a counselor at school. I’ll be honest if there is no evidence it might be hard for them to prosecute but you will be standing up for yourself and he will have a mark on him. And like I said this probably isn’t his first time so he might slip up and they catch him if they know. But I think going to a counselor and talking about your fears of telling and him threatening you is a good start. I also think your dad would be able to give you the protection you need. Listen we can’t live our lives on what other people think of us, only what we think of ourselves. Once again what would you want your daughter to do??? Most of all you need to know this was absolutely without a doubt rape and you DID NOTHING WRONG! This pig will get his someday but only when his victims stand up for themselves! Stay as far away from him as possible but don’t let him control your life. If he is hanging around with the same crowds you are then get a new crowd. If he goes to your school YOU MUST tell someone at your school even if it is the principal. Please know in your heart that you are worthy and deserving of a fearless good life. And put all that shame and disgusting feeling on him b/c he deserves it not you. I’m sending you a big hug and know I am here if you need me. I can tell you are strong, even if it doesn’t seem like it I know you are, now you need to believe it. Stay strong! Lynn
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Lynn,
thank you very much, that helped alot!
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T.
I’m glad I could help and I’m here if you need me. Stay strong you have it in you! Lynn
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Hi Lynn,
Wow, where to begin. Well, I’m 17 years old and I was molested when I was 9 years old until I was about 12. At the time I didn’t really think about it, but ugh, the thought of it now just disgusts me. I feel like I could have done a lot of things to prevented this from happening. I haven’t told my parents because I feel ashamed about it and because it would just bring more problems into the family. There’s also this part of me that wants me to tell them, but I’m afraid of what they’ll think of me afterwards. All this has been effecting me at school and now I’m a senior,and I’ve noticed that my grades and gpa has been dropping since 10th grade. I just can’t focus anymore. Towards the night I get this overwhelming feeling of emptiness and sadness, and I start crying. I don’t want to do this anymore. What should I do?
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Unforgiving
Hi, I wrote on this website a year ago about my rape it was a terrible time in my life and I’m still going through problems but having someone to talk to really helped me. Thank you.Thank you. Thank you. When I was raped I was extremely confused and tried to kill myself after (didn’t do it) when I went home my family didn’t notice anything wrong with me and just passed my behavior off as me being weird, so I turned to my friend that also worked with me, I didn’t want to at first but I went to the police. The police talked to me and arrested the guy but some how he got away with it, the guy getting away with it, me telling and nothing happening, my family not caring about me, and me being a guy that was raped was to much for me so I became extremely depressed. My friend that helped me go to the police told everyone at my last job what happened to me I didn’t want pity then and I don’t want it know. I left where I was living at at an attempt to try and leave it all behind but soon had to come back for college. I started working again and eventually saw the guy again when I walked in one day , he started working at a sub place were I would normally get my lunch from. When I walked in he was just there, he was there working, for a brief second I wanted to kill him, I wanted to jump over the counter and kill him. I couldn’t. I turned and ran, I ran to my car and I cried, I had a huge break down and didn’t leave my car for a couple of hours before going back to work and quitting.( Does that make me weak in a way? Not being able to do anything) From that moment on I began seeing everyone that was his body shape and color as a threat, I immediatly hated them. I wanted help but I don’t let my emotions out that much, not letting them out as much seems to be helping me so I didn’t go to a counsler at all. I’ve tried slowly to make friends and get back into relationships but I couldn’t I’ve lost hope in ever thinking I will ever become that person that can trust people easily( that fact that this all anonymous is the reason why I’m writing this)
Even with all that happenned I’m still afriad, afraid that if I ever say those people that did that to me, would I still be able to do nothing. I know that I probably can’t but if there is, is there any hope of returning to who I used to be… I was naive but I also cared about people and things. I had friends then and a beautiful girlfriend, I was happy.
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C.
The first thing you need to do is believe deep down this does not define you. You were young and innocent and taken advantage of. At such a young age kids don’t typically understand molestation, instead they trust believing the other person would not hurt them. Of course it disgusts you now, but don’t beat yourself up for something someone else did to you. Place that blame where it belongs on them and look at them as disgusting not yourself. I would definitely go to a guidance counselor at school to start, especially if it affecting your grades. They might also be able to help you with your parents. Do you have a close family friend that your parents trust that you could turn to and could be there as support when you tell your parents. Not that I think your parents will tkae it wrong nor do I think they would judge you but having some moral support on common ground would help you to tell them. Also, if this was your daughter what would you want her to do? You would want her to come to you right? Would you want her to worry more about your feelings or her getting help? So stop worrying about being judged and start focusing on getting better b/c you have already tried keeping it to yourself and how well has that worked for you? I would be more concerned with my well being than what other people think. But first you have to believe deep down, you did nothing wrong and place all the blame on the person who took advantage of you. I always recommend trying to find a counselor in your area that specializes in rape and you can do that anonymously at 1-800-656-hope if you are in the states. But start with a school counselor because I can almost guarantee this isn’t the first time they have dealt with this and they will understand about your grades and give you some guidance. Another good thing if you are upset at night is try writing out your emotions as a release. You can throw it away when you are done just get it all out, no matter what it is, it doesn’t necessarily have to be about the rape just your emotions at that time. Try and do it every night and I bet you will feel better and sleep better. Also, do you have any pets? Dogs and cats help a lot, may sound crazy but they do b/c they are always there for you and you can tell them anything, they never repeat it and give unconditional love. We even have a therapy dog that we have at the group counseling. Trust me it helps! I hope I’ve given you something that can help. Stay strong! Lynn
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Unforgiving,
I will be honest and tell you that it is very unlikely you will ever be the same person that you were because rape changes everything about a person. BUT that doesn’t mean you can’t be happy again or trust again. When you do deal with it (not by keeping it in) you will eventually be a better, stronger and more perceptive person. Don’t feel alone because every single one of us go through what you are going through. You are not weak because you show emotion, as I always say you need to feel in order to heal. By suppressing your emotions you are only holding them in and trust me they will come out later and probably when something is triggered and not at a good time. The longer you suppress your feelings the longer it will take to heal. AND it affects more aspects of your life. The 1-800-656-hope live or rainn.org is anonymous and they can tell you who specializes in rape counseling in your area. I beg you to get counseling, you’ve tried it on your own and you are still at this point a year later. I know how difficult it is but this is your life and you will only get better to the effort you put forth to get better. Don’t think girls are the only ones to be raped. I personally have dealt with men and women. If you want a happy healthy relationship again with a girl you have to get happy and healthy first. You have to love yourself before anyone else can truly love you, especially if you don’t want a relationship on pity. So take that step and help yourself. YOU HAVE NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF!!! You did not do this or ask for it and I know that as well as a counselor will. And by the way you did the right thing by walking away and not doing anything b/c if you would have hurt him you would be the one sitting in a jail cell and unfair as that is. So I just want you to know everything you have told me shows STRENGTH to me. Strength in your control to walk away. Strength that you haven’t given up on yourself by writing me and an inner strength that is trying to find his way back. Just know it will never be exactly the same but when you get through this it CAN & WILL be better. It takes you doing the right steps to help yourself. And you already have taken the first step by coming to me. Also, what about a counselor at college? If not please check out rainn.org for further guidance in your area. Remember you have nothing to be ashamed of and this does not define you as a person. The only person it defines is the rapist NOT YOU! Stay strong! Lynn
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hi my question is this, i was raped by my boyfriend from behind and for me it took many years to get over it and learn to trust men again. I couldn’t even let a man touch my hand let alone cuddle me. This went on for at least 5 years. I was 26 years old when it happened, then i met a man who i felt safe with but sadly he died just as he proposed to me. Was the time i took to get over it too long? You see a girl i have spoken to who allegedly said she was raped by 4 boys at the age of 16 (she is now 18) got over it in six months, and has gone on to have normal relationships. But i can’t seem to believe her, after i was violated by just one man, she claims that she was ganged raped repeatedly. Could she be telling lies to get attention cause of my “true” rape? Thank you for your time.
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Searching for the truth,
Please don’t judge your recovery by anyone else’s. Each person is different. Each recovery is different based on circumstances when it happened as well as now. There is no specified period of recovery. The only thing I can tell you that I have learned from experience is the sooner you deal with it the sooner your recovery starts. That being said, how did your friend deal with it? Did she get thorough counseling? By that I mean seek counseling or therapy for a while, not just a couple of visits? If the answer is yes then she was pro active and got help right away which would help her get on a path to recovery quicker. If the answer is no then her way of dealing was probably to block it out, which some people can do as their only way to try to get back to as normal life as possible. HOWEVER, this is not dealing with it, this is trying to act like it never happened because they don’t know how or just don’t want to deal with it. This will not last forever nor is it the best way. A lot of victims do this though b/c it is the only thing they know and most likely that is how everyone around her thinks is the best thing (to act like it didn’t happen) b/c that is all they know to. Unfortunately, all this does it keeps all the emotion and ugly feelings locked up but they will come out later and most likely when she leasts expects it. Just read some of these posts. You will find many women girls that thought they were doing good or OK by locking it up but only to find out 5 or 10 years later that something has triggered the feelings and they now realize it is still affecting them is one way or another. I can also tell you the longer you keep it in the longer it takes to heal. Everyone raped needs counseling or therapy to learn not only how to deal with it themselves but also how it will affect their lives in the future and what to do to help themselves. We weren’t taught this and nor were are family and friends b/c we never think it will happen to us. And like I said every situation is different so that is why we must rely on someone that specializes in rape counseling for help. That is why I always recommend the people here to call 1-800-656-hope or go to rainn.org to find someone in your area that can give you specific help on rape. It is totally understandable why it has taken you a while to get over this b/c the person who raped you was someone you knew and trusted, which is a completely different type of rape than by strangers. Not that either one is worse than the other, just a different type. Hope this helps. Stay strong and don’t worry about anyone else’s recovery but yours. Take care. Lynn
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i’m scared to death… a week ago my Girlfriend was attacked and raped… She is 16 i’m 17. When she told me I reacted with rage and destroyed half my house with a sword I have hanging on my wall, one of the many I have as a collection. Then i broke down and cryed my eyes out for a long time… Then i realised what the hell am I doing?! she needs me! so i walked up to her and wrapped my arms around her and hugged her for many many hours while she cried her eye’s out… I desprately need your help… I love her so much… I can’t bare to see her in pain like this… I’ll do anything to see her happy again… I read your loved ones of survivors post and i’m glad I did something right… I’ve held her in my arms for many many times while she cried her eyes out and told her that I’m there for her and I always will… But i would really like some advice on helping her take the first steps… so please…anything… Email’s would be nice, I hope to hear from you soon. W
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W.
Your actions are understandable however from now on if you get this upset again (which is possible) try not to let her see it as she will feel guilty or maybe like she shouldn’t have told you. The one thing victims do is worry about everybody else and how they will take it or if they will judge them before they take care of themselves. Which it should be the other way around. First whatever you do don’t question her. Don’t ask her why, how or say anything like you should have done this or not have done that. Know that is doesn’t matter what we did, we never asked or expected this to happen. Let her tell you what she wants and when she is comfortable talking about it. Be her rock and let her know that this doesn’t change how you feel or how you look at her. Let her know this act does not define her it only defines the jerk that did this to her. There will be times she shuts down or just cries and that is OK. Then there will be times that she wants to talk about it and let her without questions or judgment. Whatever you do don’t seek revenge b/c that will only hurt you and her. If the authorities are involved let them handle it, if not just be her safety blanket. If she is in school try to see if she would be willing to go to a counselor to let them know what happened and if she breaks down in school she will have someone to turn to as well as if it affects her grades. The best thing I can suggest is to call 1-800-656-hope or go to rainn.org and seek counseling from a specialist in your area, they can direct you to someone if you are in the US. Try and remember it is about her first then you. She must take care of herself first before she can concentrate on a relationship with you. Also, as much as you want to make her happy again, she has to be able to want that for herself and she might go through a period of self pity which is expected and OK. We all do. But realize you can’t make her happy again until she is willing to put forth the effort to try and cope herself. What you can do is be there when she needs you, don’t give her a time frame on her crying or dealing with it and let her know you love her and support her. When she knows that she has someone she can turn to 24/7 as either a shoulder to cry on or talk to or just hang out with to feel loved and safe then she has the stepping stones to her path of healing. It is going to be difficult at your young ages but try and be strong for her and know that it will be harder before it gets easier. Also, don’t take anything to personal because she will go through many feelings. Just know if she is feeling then she is healing. Try not to let her lock it up inside and not deal b/c the longer she does that the longer it will take for her to heal. But don’t push her to get help, it will only do her good when she is ready Oh and don’t talk to anyone else about it without her permission (unless it is a counselor or therapist who will keep in confidential). I hope I’ve helped. Stay strong. Lynn
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from reading your website it has helped a lot, firstly because you are a victom yourself, it helps so much to talk to someone who understands. i was raped 5 yrs ago when i was 12 yrs old by a family friend. i kept it secret for 4 years until i had to tell someone. it was the best thing i ever did. the past 4 yrs i tried to kill myself, i drank, smoked did everything wrong, i put my parents through hell. i was scared to tell people i was ashamed and throught they wouldnt believe me, i still need help as i hurt everyone around me without even realising im doing it, there are still times when i get so down i want to end it, but i just havnt got the guts to do it. i feel like im alone and know one understands how im feeling. i put on a brave front so from every one elses point of few they think im coping, when im not! im dying inside, i need to understand why it happened to me, was it my fault? i feel dirty, like a victom. i jst want to understand why i am the way i am. ive been to a few councilling sessions and ive been diagnosed with post tramatic stress, but i havnt gone back, i prefer to forget about it, but it always comes back! i would really apprecaite it if you could email. me bk thanls
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hi lynn
i am 20 years old,i was raped three weeks ago. im scared and im having a lot of trouble dealing with it. i was outside walking alone, at night and two men grabbed me and raped me, one of them stabbed me and they tried to drag me into their car, this is when i got away, i just kept running until i got home. i did not want to tell anyone at all, however after about a week, my best friend knew that something was wrong and kinda talked me into telling her, she is really the only thing getting me through this. she helped me by getting me to go to the doctor to make sure everything was ok, and i found out i was pregnant. four days ago i had a miscarriage. i did not go to the police, my friend is the only one i told (other than the doctor) and now she is advising me to talk to someone, because she is not sure if she can help me,(she said because she has never experienced anything like this) she doesnt know how much she has already helped me and she told me she would be there to listen or for anything that i need but i do not want to make her feel uncomfortable. the problem is that i cant open up to anyone else, i have trouble talking about it and i dont know how to deal with it.
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N. First let me start by saying all the feelings you are going through are very common and you are not alone. The other point I would like to make is that you will never be able to forget about it, which is why it keeps coming back. Unfortunately, however long you keep it deep inside by trying to forget or not deal with it, it will take that long to recover. So the best thing to do is cope with it the best you can and that is how you move on. There are several ways to cope and counseling is the best, especially if you have been diagnosed with ptsd. Personally, I think the best thing for you to do is go to group counseling. You don’t have to speak until you are ready but what you will discover is that it wasn’t your fault and others will believe you. Others will support you and you won’t feel so alone. It is hard for a lot of people but if and when they start they all tell me it is the best thing they ever did, even if the first couple of sessions are difficult. You can open up to people that don’t judge you and are compassionate and that is what you need. If you are in the US you can call 1-800-656-hope or go to rainn.org and try and find a group session in your area or at least a counselor that deals with rape for a one on one. Trust me when I tell you we all feel ashamed and embarrassed and dirty but once you realize deep down it wasn’t your fault, there is such a weight lifted off your shoulders and mind and you want to do more to help yourself lead a better life by coping. I have some of my dearest friends now from group counseling that I connect with a way that I could never connect with anyone else and it is a relief to know that they are there if I need them and they understand. It would be a complete injustice if you tried to end your life, for yourself and your family as you did nothing to deserve this. And don’t worry about what you put your family through, just take that energy and concentrate on yourself. Remember, this rape does not define you, it only defines the person that did this to you to be a rapist. The fact that you are trying to cope with this at your age shows strength, even if it doesn’t feel like it. You have a lot of courage to try and deal with it on your own, but I’m so glad you were able to finally tell your loved ones. So don’t worry if you are weak sometimes, the more your feel and let it out the more room you have to heal, but not if you keep it locked up inside. Also, try writing your feelings out, it is an excellent release, then you can just throw it away. This tends to help you sleep better too. DO you have any pets? Get a dog or cat as they are there for you 24/7 and love you unconditionally. You can tell them anything and be completely honest and it goes no further. I hope I’ve helped and trust me when I tell you, you are strong and you can do this and you will be a better person for coping with it and your future will be brighter when you do. Stay strong! Lynn
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J. I understand that you are confused, rightly so, especially when your feelings are so raw. I’m so sorry that this happened to you but It sounds like your friend is very loyal. Sounds like she wants to help but doesn’t know how or if she is doing a good job, when you obviously think she is.
However, let’s take care of you first. If you are in the U S call 1-800-656-hope and ask for a counselor in your area, these are counselors that specifically deal with rape. I’m not gonna lie, it isn’t easy but it is ultimately worth it. You don’t realize how many different ways this can affect you now & later in life. It all depends on how you deal with it now. And you aren’t suppose to know how to deal with this, it isn’t something we are wired for, you know? You also should have a safety plan together in place w/you and your friends. For everyones safety and to help get your sense of security back again. When there are times no one is around, write it out, it is an excellent release.
As far as your friend tell her how much you appreciate her and that the best thing she can do for you is just be there to listen, laugh or cry with and it is as simple as that. She was right in saying she can’t completely understand and we don’t want her to. So like I said go to counseling & talk with someone even if it takes a while or seem like it’s not going somewhere b/c most of the time @ some point the light goes off and you are able to deal better and not let it define you or your relationships. Writing also helps a lot, group therapy is probably the best, but it is hard to convince most people. It is a little refreshing to have other people that do understand, that are like you and can reach out in a way that totally bonds you together, as strange as that is. In the meantime, consider yourself “lucky” b/c you are alive!!! Take it one day at a time try your best not to look back but forward, b/c you were left on this earth to live not die! Stay strong. Lynn
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thank you so much for your support and suggestions. it really helps and i am going to try to talk to people about it, but it is difficult, i dont even know what to say or how to talk about it.
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Dear Lynn,
i was raped on Saturday night by my housemate.We were having a house warming party.I was drinking but still aware of my surroundings. i was going to bed as i had to work the next day. He must have been watching for me as he quickly followed me in and took me by surprise. My boyfriend had just left the country and I was still upset at his departure. He knew this. He knew I was upset. He came in and I couldnt do anything. I am usually a very independent and strong person i cant believe that i could let this happen. I cried throughout yet he still continued. I live 24 hours flight from home and my boyfriend had just arrived home. The phone lines were pretty bad and he didnt quite hear me, so I cried myself to sleep. I managed to get up and block everything and work but not to my best ability. Once i met my colleague from home I broke down. I have since arrived home. The support from my friends where I work was amazing as was from my boyfriend and family. I am just upset that my other female housemate is not as supportative as everyone else. I dont think she quite believes me and HE is staying for another 2 weeks at the flat.
I think she thinks I should have screamed or something and my non resistance indicates that I am at fault, at least partially. I initially thought I was to blame and therefore was able to go to work the first day. But I now know I am not to blame. I am feeling everything you listed, ost my appetite and feel I am crying for no reason and I know in my mind that he actually raped me despite the hazy memories. The worst problem i face is going back and knowing he is hanging about. I didnt feel up to reporting it and did not wish an examination at that time. I just wanted to go home. What do you suggest to overcome this problem and how do I overcome the disappointment I have in my other flatmate?
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A. You have accomplished one of the hardest steps, which is knowing deep down it was not your fault. If you have that you can definitely get the rest. It is OK the way you handled it b/c you had to do what was best for you at the time. Trust me we all handle it different ways, and none of us know how. First thing I want you to do when you go back is get some pepper spray for your own sense of security. Do not return while he is there. Then as far as your female flatmate, if she isn’t supporting you keep your distance (as far as emotionally) and don’t expect anything from her, just accept her existance and let her be. You don’t have to defend yourself, HE DOES! Don’t lower yourself into defending any of your actions, it is not necessary and if someone isn’t supporting you they don’t deserve to know your inner thoughts as they might use them against you. Just say hello and goodbye and tos it up to her own ignorance. As far as helping you, don’t worry about things you can’t change. Don’t let things you didn’t ask for in life define you. Try to find something good in every day, even the smallest things can bring us joy, if we let them. Some days it will be hard BUT some days IT WILL BE GOOD! I promise. The power of writing out your feelings as a release is calming when you are done. Get a dog, for love and protection. And thank your family and boyfriend for showing unconditional love. Stay strong! Lynn
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Dear Lynn
Thank you ever so much for our response. As you said everything is getting better. That night I wrote to you I couldnt sleep all night and al day until 7pm. ThenI crashed completely. I woke up feeling great. I know that this wont happen everyday but it is definitely a welcome feeling.
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Dear Lynn
AS I had left the country I had to contact my other female housemate regarding flat issues. She reckons that the story was that I had let HIM into my room, somebody had wanted a bag that was in m room so I had gotten dressed, had come out had a drink and went back in again with HIM and that everything was consensual. I have absolute no recollection of this intervening event, I certainly know that there was no bag in my room when I went in to go to bed, I only got dressed and left my room to get my phone to ring my boyfriend in hysterics. I can’t remember any of this it doesnt make any sense. I wanted to go to bed and sleep, if there was a bag I would have left it outside so nobody would disturb me so I could sleep, I’m not an idiot I know people need their stuff stay over. Apparently he had been in my room prior to this but he wasnt why would he be there . I know I had to drink but that story is just not right I am hzy about a lot of details but HE definitely was not in my room twice and there was no bag in my room on going in to go to sleep. I’m in such a mess I dont remember this at all, all I remember is feeling violated and unable to control his actions while he was in my room. I dont feel good, I want it to be over, I’m shaking all over. Could my mnd be deceiving me, am I going crazy?
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A. Do you think it is possible you were slipped a date rape drug? It is the easiest and most ignorant type of sexual abuse. The least likely person is the one who falls for it, including me! Now it could be the alcohol, IF you didn’t eat much and have reacted this way before. Or had a mix of alcohol you are not use to. Or drinking excessively. NONE OF WHICH deserves or condones rape just trying to help you think if any of these situations apply that could have effected you that way. Because if you have never reacted this way based on your actions leading up to what happened, you need to be very aware and careful when you are around any of these people again. I wouldn’t accuse nor would I talk about it to draw attention. I would just be very aware of my surroundings to see if I could find the answer or at least protect myself in the future no matter where I am. I don’t think I would beat myself up so much over what I can’t remember as to trusting your instincts and don’t second guess them. You have these instincts for a reason, listen to them. If you have never felt this way before you have a reason to feel this way now and it is not your fault. So take care of yourself and know that you may have been through this but it wasn’t because of your doing so try not to dwell on what can’t be changed and focus on what you do have control over and how you want that future to be. Stay strong. Lynn
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dear lynn,
i am 19 years old and never thought i would be lookin on how to deal with rape. I was with this guy and i trusted him a lot more than any other guy i had dated. i was a virgin and i had always plan on staying one untill i was married. my parents are very very strict with me to the point where i rarely got out of the house. so when i started to date this guy he would convince me to sneak out of the house when my parent were alseep. we continued to do so for several weeks. One time we were kissing and he had kept asking about having sex and he never thought of lov,e having anything to do with sex trying to convince me to have sex with him. i had said no and he had agree. we were kissing and then the next thing i knew he had slipped his penis in my panties and had started pushing. he did this for a couple second and pulled out i was so taking back i didn’t know what to do i was completely silent like i went numb. then he proceded to put a condom on and we had intercourse. but the whole time in my head i felt it was wrong and i wanted to stop. i continued to see him because we had mutual friends that he had told we had sex and i didn’t want my friends to think i was a slut. pretty ridicualous i know that know. the whole time after that happened i couldnt think clearly. i feel guilty writing to you because i’ve read others storys and dont think of my situation to be anything like theirs. but i can’t get over this feeling of just being sad and i cry about it all the time. i’m not sure if it was rape. please help me. i tried telling a friend but she kind of brushed it off and i can’t talk to my parent because i know they would just get angry with me for letting this happen.please help me. was this rape?
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Lynn you are very right. It is hard to overcome that doubt. Especially when there are things you can’t remember and don’t make sense to you. Especially trying to make sense of the situation for your loved ones.
Since writing I have moved back home and quit my job. The personnel manager was near defamatory regarding her repsonse when I said I couldnt return, however she was unaware if what hapenned and based on this response I don’t want her o know either.I got myself a dog. My mood is still all over the place at the minute but this little puppy is doing a good job of distracting me. I’m aiming to return to work at the end if the month. Hopefully by then my sleep cycle and mood will be less erratic. Thank you again, hope you don’t mind me constantly writing comments.
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Unsure,
I can understand your confusion, especially when you trusted him. To you and me it is rape, OK b/c you trusted him to listen to you when you said no, which you did. But I will be honest and tell you that the police probably wouldn’t. But I’ll also tell you it doesn’t really matter what anyone else thinks but you. Here is my advice, especially since you are still seeing or in touch with him. Do not talk to any mutual friends. In fact I wouldn’t talk to anyone about it that isn’t totally loyal to you. Your parents are however they most likely will react 1 of 2 ways, completely understand and most likely will want you to press charges (to justify in their minds) and put you through a lot of crap when I don’t think you have a case as far as proof. Or they will get completely upset and you will end up dealing with their feelings instead of your own. I’m only saying this b/c you are 19 and an adult. I would seek help from a counselor, go to rainn.org to find one in your area. I would get your thoughts straight and then if you decide to tell your parents you will be able to deal with them however they react. I would get away from this boy b/c he obviously has no respect for you, especially if he told friends. I would take this as an unfortunate lesson learned for the future. If necessary get new friends b/c I question them. You and I both know what this boy did, and it sounds like he knew too but whatever you do don’t act like nothing happened anymore to him or any mutual friends. You don’t have to talk about it just tell him/them you prefer not to hang out or whatever reason and then break away. You don’t need to be associated with them. And don’t make it hard on yourself by talking to him about it b/c he will just confuse you. Make a clean calm break and you will be feeling much better. By the way don’t worry about what anyone else thinks except you. You know you are not a slut and will never be one. Take care of yourself by talking about it with someone that cares and get the hell away from him. Because if you don’t, and you act like everything is fine it is very possible he will think it was acceptable and do it again. The one thing that you are sure of is that is was unacceptable! Stay strong, Lynn
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A.
It sounds like you are taking the baby steps and that is all you need to do right now. Glad to hear you got a puppy, it is amazing how they can help. Also, sounds like you did the right thing by not telling your personnel manager if that is how they reacted, good thinking! Try writing before you go to bed, about anything, good or bad thoughts or days. It is a wonderful release that can help you sleep better. The more “good” sleep you get the more control you have over your emotions, most of the time. And as far as writing, please that is what this forum is all about and I especially like to hear how people are doing, so keep in touch. Stay strong, Lynn
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dear lynn,
i have stopped talking to him and as far as my friends i havent really stayed in touch with them since. I’m not going to tell my parents i know they will get really upset with the whole situation and i think it might makes things worse. I want to thank you very much for your advice i really needed someones else point of view, i guess someone to give me a reality check because i have been acting like it is ok and feeling horrible and depressed when i was by myself. I’m not going to the police because i understand that it wouldn’t seem like rape to them.
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dear lynn,
i’ve been having a tough time lately. Some days i’ll be ok and then other i just can’t stop thinking about it. there have been times where i would just lay in bed all day and i just didn’t want to get up. i’m crying more than ever, i sometimes feel nervous don’t want to go to work because i’m afraid that he will come in. My parents are starting to notice i’m not as happy as i used to be and they complain that i’m always in a bad mood. I just wanted to ask you if there is any you can suggest to help me not feel so depressed and what i can do on days like this ?
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Unsure,
I think you should try and talk to a counselor. Are you in school, b/c if you are you can try and talk with a counselor there. If not do you have an EAP program through work? EAP is employee assistance program, most larger employers offer it and it is completely confidential and free. You can always go to rainn.org and try and find a counselor in your area. But you really need to talk with someone and be able to open up. If you are not ready for that, try and write your feelings out. Try to do it every day as it is an excellent release b/c you get it out of your system. You can tear it up when you are done it you want just get it out. Once you are able to have the release I guarantee you will feel better. The reason I would like you to really consider counseling is b/c they will be able to help with the situation with your parents as well. Can you change jobs? If I were you I would start looking for a place that he would not know you worked at to get your head in a better place. It is not going to help if it is affecting your work. Maybe some type of office setting where the general public doesn’t come through. Also, do you have any pets? If you don’t think about getting a cat or dog. It really helps, trust me. On the bad days just try and remember that this does not define you and start writing your feelings to get them out instead of harboring them. Also, another thing is to read a good book, sometimes that just gets your mind off things and takes you to another place. Hope this helps! Stay strong, Lynn
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it happened not very long ago. i had been with my boyfriend for 5 months. i thought we were getting along so well. he knew i didnt want to have sex with him but kept asking. one day i was at his house and we were watching a moive. he started undoing my top. i freaked completley and pulled away. he then grabbed the knife out from his bedside table next to him. he pulled it up to my neck and put a slit in my throat it wasnt deep though. then i panicked he grabbed my hands and held them behind his back. he kept hitting me across the face. the he raped me i was semi-consious. a month later i found out was pregnant. i was beside my self. i started to withdraw my self from school, friends, and family. a few weeks later i was at school. this boy got into an argument with me and started throwing hard punches, he was twice the size of me. 4 of the punches were to my stomache. i fell to the ground and he started hitting and kicking me. i ran to the toilets. but it was too late. i had had a miscarrage. i dont know what to do anymore, what to say what to think or how to feel. please help me.
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A.
The first thing you need to do is tell a counselor at school so you don’t have to be around your boyfriend (if he goes to your school) and especially this guy who hit you. I would also get a restraining order with the police. You have the option to tell the police about the rape or just tell him he threatened you and cut you with a knife. If they ask why you didn’t report this right away say he said he would hurt you if you told. But whatever you do DO NOT see him anymore and don’t act like nothing happened b/c then you are giving both of them power. Power to hurt you again and other people. I would also consider telling your family or at the very least someone that you can turn to that will believe you, listen and look after you. Also, get some pepperspray to carry with you at all times, you can get it for like $10 or $15 dollars. You have been through such a traumatic experience that I would like you to seriously consider counseling b/c if you don’t it will be hard for you to trust someone in the future and you don’t want to define guys by the way this asshole was to you. If you are in the US go to rainn.org and they can tell you an experienced counselor in your area. You are not going to be able to deal with this on your own. I’m so very sorry this happened to you and I’m giving you a great big loving hug!!! Please seek counseling and get help b/c we are not wired to deal with these types of things on our own and I don’t want this prick to dictate the way you live your life b/c then he wins and we can’t let that happen. If you have emotional times when no one is around, write out your feelings just as a release. But try to pick a friend that you can confide in that you know will keep it confidential and be there for you 24/7. Let them know you don’t expect them to heal you just to be there to listen or a shoulder to cry on or just company to feel a little normal with and share a laugh, just be there. You need to confide in someone and you need to make sure you are safe and far away from these pigs. Please let me know how you are and if I was able to help. God Bless and much love! Lynn
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hae lyn ever since your reply i dont know what to do suicide keeps going through my head over and over. i have left school. some days i have up days and other days im really down i just want to kill myself sometimes i feel like i kan never srub away the dirt i feel on the outside.
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A.
You have been through an extremely traumatic experience and we are not wired to know how to handle these things. I understand why you feel this way and you can’t expect to be able to heal yourself. Please try and go to rainn.org and ask for help in your area. This is totally confidential and you can get to speak with a free counselor in your area. You really need help, especially from someone that can relate to what you have been through. Take it one day at a time and remember that you are not the ugliness in this whole picture it is the bastard that did this to you. You are a beautiful person that was taken advantage of and you are still that beautiful person because you didn’t do any of this ugliness. You still have the same beliefs and morals, it is him that should be looked down upon and ridiculed. He should feel dirty and ugly for what he did. He is the same ugly person inside and out for what his actions and thoughts. He though of this and did it NOT YOU! So that is why you can’t scrub it away, because it is not there on you, it is on him. There is nothing to scrub off you, you are still a good human being and always will be. You never had evil thoughts or did evil things. As soon as you realize that you will feel better. The world NEEDS people like you in it and if you aren’t we are a world on one less beautiful person and one more evil one. So throw all those bad feelings @ him where they belong and don’t let what happened to you taint your goodness as a human being and don’t let him win!!!! Talk to someone and get help! Take it slow and just do things to get through today. Get wrapped up in a good book or movie. Take a hot bath and convince yourself it’s him not you and you are too good to let him control your emotions and sanity. You have something to give to this world that we need, unlike him. Stay strong! Lynn
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Hi Lynn,
I dont know what to think, but maybe I should start from the begginning.
When I was 13 I went over to a guy friends house to hang out and thought nothing of it. Things led to making out, but then it went to far. I told him no, but he wouldnt listen saying it would be ‘fun’. Untill just recently I felt like it was all my fault because I went over there, but now Im starting to believe it wasnt. Afterwards I was so scared because it was my friend and I didnt know what to do, I stayed afterwards for a bit, but then made an excuse to go home (5 min walk) and ran all the way home. I didnt tell my parents what happened, and still havent (Im 18 now) but I needed to tell somebody, so I choose to tell one of my friends at school, but I guess she didnt get the part about me getting raped, and spread rumours that I had slept with him. After that humiliation I bottled it up (5 years ish), tried to forget it. I thought I was all done with it, blocked him out of my mind untill recent events stirred it up. I found out (from the newspaper) that he had a wife, and a newborn baby, worked in a small town, lovely couple, only 19yrs old, but then he was accused (oh the irony) of molesting 2 girls (15 I think) who told a friend of theirs. This friend then broke into his house and beat him to death with a baseball bat. Now I dont know what to think, Im so confused. When I first found out I cried endlessly for no reason, and just talked to my (awesome) boyfriend about my feelings. Now Im at the point where I cant focus (which is bad because Im in university and have mid-terms). For example, yesturday I tried to clean my room, it came to the point where Id force myself to put away one thing at a time, but for the life of me I couldnt. I lost my keys and couldnt stop crying and freaking out, I kept reading the same sentence in my text book, not comprehending any of it! I feel guilty, I feel sad, I feel happy when Im preoccupied but keep doubting myself if Im really happy, or just faking it. I cant discern which feeling is true. and most of all I feel lonely, extremly lonely. Like Im alone. It doesnt matter how much my boyfriend comforts me, how safe he makes me feel, I still feel alone. Please help. I cant fail my midterms. I hate feeling so disorganized. So quick to anger. I hate it, and I feel like combusting, or imploding.
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Well, you are obviously going through a variety of emotions from realizing this man is really dead which you probably wished not literally but the memory of him being “dead” in your mind. Happy that you don’t have to worry about him anymore, to horrified of the way he was killed to feeling guilty because you hated him and the situation so much that you are relieved. It is more confusion added to the confusion of the original scenario. My suggestion is to back away from the details and realize you had nothing to do with his death, therefore you don’t have to feel happy or sad. To make sense of the situation in my mind, personally I would toss it up to Karma and know I did nothing towards this mans death. Close the chapter and look at the new chapter in front of me without this man in the world to worry about. Stop feeling lonely and open up to your awesome boyfriend and let him in. This is a new beginning! If it is difficult getting passed the loneliness, then look for group therapy in your area. It truly helps and you are able to connect with people that understand and then your loneliness is gone. It isn’t all about crying and sadness in group sessions, it is about connecting with others and getting empowerment. You are overwhelmed right now with mid-terms and what has happened. Sit down every time you get anxious and take 10 deep breaths through your nose and out your mouth, seriously! Then tell yourself this is the beginning, I am looking forward, not backward. Also yoga is GREAT to help concentration and relaxation. I use beginners DVD’s at home and do it everyday. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. Good luck with your tests and 10 deep breaths. Stay strong! Lynn
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Hi,
I just wanted to say thank you for your website, I came across it in a google search. I’ve been raped twice (once by someone I knew and trusted and once by a stranger) and was repeatedly raped by my ex – I’d say no, he’d go ahead anyway. I never wanted to call it rape, but when I think back that’s exactly what it was. This website has helped me clarify what happened to me as rape and I think that has helped. In a macabre way, and I mean no offense at all, from the comments I see on here its comforting to know I’m not the only one going through this – though obviously I wish none of us here were.
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T.
I’m sorry for what you’ve been through, but glad to know this info has been some type of help. I understand how you feel because I myself wasn’t sure if this website would help but as you can see as I’m sure we all agree, it sucks that it happened to all of us but so glad to know we are not alone or crazy with the feelings we are going through. Stay strong! Lynn
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hi,
i wrote to you a couple months ago because i had been raped and didnt know how to deal with it, i tried some of your suggestions, and they were working for a bit. however a month ago, it happened again- i didnt know the person and i was terrified because it was right behind my house (and was nervous that he would know where i live). i came inside and immediately called my friend.
she took me to the hospital but i dont remember anything else that night, she told me the next day that they did a rape kit and took blood and gave me the necessary pills that i would need.
my problem is now that since this has happened again i cannot deal with it- i cant talk to my friend about it, i tried writing things down again but it didnt work this time and i tried talking to a councellor about it and i couldnt. i have just tried to go on with my daily routine so that no-one will notice, but i think about it a lot and im not really sure what to do anymore.
my friend tried to convince me to tell my mom at least (i live with my parents) just for more support, but i think it would devastate her to know that something happened- she is a very supportive person but i dont think she would ever think the same way about me again and i dont want to ruin the relationship we have now.
im also afraid that if i tell people what happened, they will not believe me, especially because it has happened twice. Thank you
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Hi
I’m 22 and was raped 3 months ago, and im not dealing very well. It was whilst on a months trip around europe, about a week in. I went to the local police etc, but i carried on the trip and felt ok. I realise now I was just blocking it out, I didn’t want to ruin the trip for my friends so I pretended I was fine.
Now I’m back at university, in my final year. and its hit me hard. The only people who know are the three girls who i went to europe with, and I am living with them this year too. I didn’t tell my family because I was only back for a week and I didn’t want them to worry about me while i’m away.
Anyway, since being back at uni many things have hit me. I have been trying to carry on as normal. but I havn’t been sleeping and I also have bad dreams when I do get to sleep. I cry almost every night and in the day a lot as well. I find it hard to go into lectures, because of lack of sleep and because the environment is scary. Its affecting my work and I have lots of deadlines coming up. I’m tryin to write essays but its so hard to concentrate. (how i found this site…supposed to be finishing an essay :S) I feel anxious all the time and have panic attacks in certain situations. I keep having up days and then really low days. I have been trying to carry on my normal life, but when I go out with my friends at night I get really scared and claustrophobic, I can’t drink alcohol now because I was drunk when it happened so it makes me freak out. So i have been distancing myself so I don’t feel under pressure to go out. But, not going out and being social makes it obvious to my friends that something is wrong and I don’t want the attention, and I don’t want everyone to know.
The point of writing this is that I feel so alone and I don’t know what to do. I feel so many different things all the time, and on top of that I have so much pressure from my final year of uni. Pretending to be fine in the day along with lack of sleep is really taking it out of me. I often cry as soon as i get in the door, and have been going outside less and less to avoid that. But i also have to pretend in front of housemates aswell. and it kind of annoys me because they are the ones who know.
I’ve been trying to get help but its hard. I have arranged a councelling session but it took about 3 weeks to get anywhere. my first one is on tuesday.
My friend Faye is trying to help. She is the only one I can talk to about it. the other two who know avoid the subject and I can tell they feel really uncomfortable when i’m feeling down.
So, I have spoken to Faye about certain things, the way I feel in certain situations and the affect its having. She has tried to help me, she has tried to get me help here at the university with advice with my studies etc. But I just don’t feel like she is comfortable listening to it. Hence concentrating on getting me help elsewhere. I don’t want to lean on her too much, and I don’t feel like I have, but I can tell she is feeling uncomfortable and tired of it. I feel like I just keep going on about it, like I should be getting over it. If anything its getting worse.
I don’t know what to do though, Faye IS the only one I can talk to, and i’m sorry to her for that but I need someone. And, I find it really difficult to start talking about. It takes alot to go and actually start talking about it to her. So when she then doesn’t seem interested or doesn’t give me a bit of time to talk it hurts. Don’t get me wrong she is great and sometimes she really does listen. I suppose its just affecting her too and its too much for one person to deal with. She doesn’t know how to handle it or me.
How can I lean on my friend, without pushing her away?
thanks
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Alone,
Take the pressure off your friend by telling her that you don’t expect her to know how to help, just ask her to be there for you when you need her by listening or as companionship to lean on, that’s it. That way she doesn’t feel like she is letting you down b/c she doesn’t know how to help more. When there are those uneasy times when you feel you need to talk but she isn’t focused then write out your feelings as a release. It works wonders, trust me. As far as you are concerned, you are on the right track by getting professional help so #1) you won’t feel alone and #2) your studies won’t be ruined as you approach your finals and #3) I think it is possible that you have post traumatic stress disorder. Now I’m not a Dr. by any means but you should see a medical professional to find out. As far as the counseling session you have set up (bravo) ask what their counseling background with rape is and if you feel comfortable great, if not ,ask if they can recommend someone that is, but stay with the counseling whatever you do even if you have to change counselors. I was lucky and the first one I saw ended up being great, albeit there were times when I wondered. The fact that you are already going through the right steps this soon after your rape will ultimately mean you will be happier again sooner and within time understand how to deal with your rape and then deal with the people around you. So even though right now you are feeling so horrible and like everything is falling apart around you, what I see if the strength you have in you that you are already trying to pick your self up and get through this even if it is hell. What some people view as weakness I view as strength that we can go through this horrific event and still get through, the next minute, hour or day. The strength that it takes us to brush our teeth, let alone going out into a crowd of people. So look at all these little things as accomplishments! And when you cry, it just means you are not holding it in but instead making more room for healing. I can tell by your actions already that YOU are not going to let this get the best of you because you are and will not be defined by this rape! Thank your friend for just being there and you stay on track. Stay strong! Lynn
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hi,
i wrote to you a couple months ago because i had been raped and didnt know how to deal with it, i tried some of your suggestions, and they were working for a bit. however a month ago, it happened again- i didnt know the person and i was terrified because it was right behind my house (and was nervous that he would know where i live). i came inside and immediately called my friend.
she took me to the hospital but i dont remember anything else that night, she told me the next day that they did a rape kit and took blood and gave me the necessary pills that i would need.
my problem is now that since this has happened again i cannot deal with it- i cant talk to my friend about it, i tried writing things down again but it didnt work this time and i tried talking to a councellor about it and i couldnt. i have just tried to go on with my daily routine so that no-one will notice, but i think about it a lot and im not really sure what to do anymore.
my friend tried to convince me to tell my mom at least (i live with my parents) just for more support, but i think it would devastate her to know that something happened- she is a very supportive person but i dont think she would ever think the same way about me again and i dont want to ruin the relationship we have now.
im also afraid that if i tell people what happened, they will not believe me, especially because it has happened twice. Thank you
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J.
First have a little more faith in your mom. As a mother I would be a lot more devastated if my daughter felt she couldn’t come to me than if she did. Seriously, your mother isn’t going to look at you differently, you are different now, not better or worse just different after going through this. If you and your mom have a good relationship I wouldn’t hesitate. As far as what others think – who cares??? Really, are you willing to make your recovery suffer b/c of what others might think??? If you are you shouldn’t b/c you are the only one that can help yourself. You mom and friend can support you, listen and be there to lean on but they can’t actually help you heal on the inside, you have to dig deep for that and put yourself first. Then when you know the best way that works for you, then you can deal with others, if you even care to at the time. That being said, I would go see a doctor b/c going through this twice and trying to deal with it is obviously overwhelming and you have been through 2 very traumatic situations that a doctor can see if you are having post traumatic stress disorder that can be treated as well (especially since you’ve tried counseling and feel it isn’t helping). So check that out as well. Get some pepper spray to keep with you for your sense of security and talk to your mother. Don’t stop writing, it may help more than you know. And remember your mother will look at society differently, and what is happening around you and how to help your future life. Don’t try and take all this burden on yourself, OK? I’m so very sorry this happened again to you but it doesn’t define who you are! Stay strong! Lynn
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My story is similiar to the one on March 5, 2008 by “H.” Almost exactly a year ago I got out of a three and half year relationship. I had actually been living with the guy and really thought I was going to spend my life with him. So obviously, I took the break up really hard. I had been with the guy since I was 15 years old and was 18 when he broke up with me. Since I was so young, he had been all that I had known. I moved back in with my parents and became really depressed. A few weeks later, an old friend asked me to go to a party with her. It was there that I met the guy. Once he started talking to me, I got so caught up in it. I wasn’t familiar with being approached by guys since I was with my ex for so long. I should have known from the beginning because while we were talking he tried to kiss me and I pulled back, telling him that I just got out of a serious relationship and it was a bad idea. Even though I had told him that, he kept being pushy about kissing me. It made me really uncomfortable but for some reason I kept talking to the guy after the party and we ended up in a relationship a week later. I made the mistake, after a week of being with him, of having sex with him. I don’t know why I did it, probably just an attempt to get over my ex. After that he became very pushy about sex or sexual things. When we did things it made me really uncomfortable but I don’t know why I did them. Then one night, he kept asking for sex and I kept telling him no. I told him no I don’t know how many times. He just kept on asking and pushing. It got to the point that I just gave in. The whole time I just layed there and held my tears back. After that, I always felt so messed up. I felt emotionally unstable before it happened but afterwards it was even worse. I finally ended the relationship but a month later I went to the doctor for my yearly PAP exam and found out that he had given me an STD called Chlamydia. Luckily, it is curable and I am perfectly fine now. I struggled then and now just like “H” did, trying to figure out if what happened to me was rape. The fact that I said yes makes me think it wasn’t but when I remember how I felt and what it did to me, I think it is. Sometimes I can’t even really remember what happened. It’s a blur to me but the one thing that is clear to me is effect it had on me. I don’t know how to accept it. I also don’t know how to accept the fact that he gave me an STD. Before everything happened I was a smart, intelligent girl who never made any mistakes. I was proud of who I was and the choices I made in life. Afterwards, in my head I became the girl that got chlamydia. It’s been really hard for me to deal with the mistake I made. I feel like it was my fault cause I said yes. I don’t know why I gave in, but I did. I also have this constant fear of finding out something else that he gave me. I have a boyfriend now and I’m so scared that I will have something else and not know about it. I could never handle doing that to someone else. My doctor says everything is fine now, but I will always have that fear. I want to tell him about it but I don’t want him to judge me. I’m sorry this is so long but its definitely been hard to find someone to talk to because I’m afraid to tell anyone and be judged. I’ve felt like I’ve been all alone with dealing with this.
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Scared and confused,
It is understandable why you are confused and you are the only one who can determine if it was rape, as you can see it is not all black and white. If you said “yes” because he was threatening you or you felt threatened then that is rape, but if you said yes just to give in to get him to stop pressing the issue, well then that is different. But we do know for sure is how it made you feel. I think you felt like you lost control, with your ex-boyfriend and then with this guy. You felt vulnerable and went along with this guy when he showed you attention until he showed his true colors, then you were even more vulnerable and he took advantage. The good news is you got out of the situation and got medical treatment. And stop worrying about if he gave you anything else AS LONG as you have been checked by your doctor. If they are telling you not to worry then don’t. Hell I’d be worried everyday of my life then, I mean people that drug you and rape you are doing it for a reason. I just get my aids test and gyn every year and when I get the results I let it go until next time, otherwise you’d be endlessly worrying over something that may never happen. As far as your current boyfriend, not so sure if I’d tell him yet. Especially, if you are not sure it was actually rape and you took care of the chlamydia. But you should sill wear protection until you have gone 6 months (if not longer) with clean tests. As long as you have good results and no problems IF the relationship becomes really serious (I’m talking years) I might tell him about what happened. If and when I knew him well enough to see how he handles others things that have come up. And even if you still feel the need to tell him by then. If you really want to talk to someone then see a therapist. Even if you tell your boyfriend and he is supportive, he can’t help you deal and I think right now before you even determine what it was would put a strain, whether physical or emotional on your relationship (but that is just my opinion). If you are in the US call 1-800-656-hope and they can tell you someone that specializes in your area or check out rainn.org. Just realize that you have taken back control of your life, found someone to share the future with (not the past just yet) and start doing things for a healthy future. I wish you the best and stay strong! Lynn
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Its been like a month and a half since whats happened, it still feels weird to say it =/ i told somebody so everythings being taken care of, well legally i guess. i feel sooo extremely alone, like nobody understands or cares to understand. some days i just feel alien like=/ like alllllll these insane emotions arent normal, and my therapist and parents tell me its all completly normal but i feel like they really dont get it, i dont know how much longer i can take it all, i feel like i told people too soon, when i told i just spoke up because i wanted to get it off my chest, i wasnt even going to tell i thought i could handle this problem alone because thats how i usually deal w/ things and i was petrified to say anything but it was just all so overwhelming i just wanted to tell one person to just feel that quick minute of relief, like the problem wasnt COMPLETLY on my shoulders alone, but then the cops got involved and everything got so crazily out of hand so quickly i just dont feel human anymore and i feel like everyone is treating me that way too, like im crazy or something=/ =( but my main question is about medicine, i get extremely terrible anxiety now in crowded areas, which makes it impossible at school. my anxiety at school just leads to fits of rage or depression in the classroom that i cant control. long story short my psychiatrist wants to put me on all kinds of medicine, one for anxiety-klonopin or along the lines, some depression medication and then a sleeping medicine cause i trained my body not to sleep(because of nightmares that scare me half to death=/ ) but my question is wether or not i should try to heal from this without all the emotion-numbing medications or if i should give them a shot, my problem is that i just dont want to start taking all of them and have it numb all my problems so that in a few months or years or w/e when i think im ready to stop taking them and i do stop that all those emotions will hit me because i didnt actually deal w/ them i just covered them up w/ medicine. or am i looking at it from the wrong perspective? maybe medicine doesnt ‘cover it up” it guides you through the healing? i need somebodys opinion please
thanks for anybodys help, its far more appreciated than you can understand
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M.
Well I’m not a doctor but I can tell you from my personal experience and let you decide. I know for a fact that you have to feel in order to heal. That being said sometimes what we feel is so overwhelming that it cripples us. What most of us want after rape is a sense of normalcy however everything has changed and our world is upside down. I want you to try a couple things and if that doesn’t work to help settle you down then maybe you should consider some meds. When I went through all this I know I had to continue to work and I was pretty much alone and it was very difficult so my doctor put me on a mild xanax which did help temporarily because it kept me calm when the least thing would trigger me. But keep in mind this was directly after if happened and I was off them within 4 months and that was b/c I went to a therapist twice a week for 6 months and then once a week for another 6 months and that helped me more than anything. As for nightmares, what worked best for me was seeing a hypnotist. I know that sounds crazy but I use to have horrible nightmares and scared to sleep as well and after 5 visits I learned how to manipulate my dreams and this technique has stayed with me. Keep in mind I never went to sleep I was just relaxed and listened to him the whole time, and I didn’t think it was working but it was and it did. Something to consider anyway and not too expensive. Anyway, some things to try before first is to write out all your feelings, whatever is giving you anxiety. It doesn’t have to be specifically about the rape, just what is bothering you at that moment. This is a wonderful release to let it go. You can talk about it in counseling or just throw it away, but write it all out. The other thing is as far as the crowds, you have lost your sense of security so get some pepper spray or something to carry with you and next time it happens tell yourself you are more safe in a crowd than by yourself. I used to get anxiety too but my counselor kept telling me it was better to have a lot of people around than not b/c there are more good people out there than bad and in a crowd if I needed help someone would be there for me. Another quick way to settle down (as stupid as this sounds) is to take 10 deep breaths, in through your nose out through you mouth. I know this sounds like something so little but it can help tremendously. And there is always yoga which I would recommend to everyone. This is such a calming and relaxing thing to do that also helps sleep. I just bought beginners dvd’s (which I still do after 5 years) and do them in my living room and I can not express how well this has helped. You don’t have to be perfect because it is more about the breathing and calming of your body and soul. It is worth a try before meds. But only you know how much you can take and you have to do what is best for you. Have you checked into any group counseling in your area? I ask this because I think if you went you wouldn’t feel like nobody “gets it” and you wouldn’t feel like you are going so crazy b/c you would be with a group that completely understands and they “get it”. You could meet that someone there you could call 24/7 and would understand. This is an excellent way to connect with others who have been through and understand every feeling you are going through and a lot of the times if you go through a crisis center they are little to no charge. I know you feel like you are loosing it but to me it sounds like you are pretty smart girl, doing the right thing and trying your best to get through it. My point is I hear the strength through your actions and am proud that you know enough to do the right thing. The one thing that you need to change is don’t handle all of this yourself. You told someone b/c you knew you didn’t want to handle it all and you don’t have to, remember that. When we were put on this earth we were not wired on how to deal with rape, no one was, that is why it makes us crazy. So all you need to do is find the right avenue for you to go down to get help and to help yourself, but you don’t and aren’t expected to do it alone. Please know I am here if you need me. I hope I’ve helped. Stay strong! Lynn
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I had always felt guilty about my rape since it pretty much happend. because i have no idea how it could happen n more so after the policeman said i basically made it up because i felt guilty. It happend at the end of august. i just had a hunch or something i dont know that something was up because i am gay and i sort of didnt remeber anything until i sort awoke out of myself to see it happening . I have started to remember saying what are you doing when one of the guys who was showing me himself then started to feel claustrophobic and i think i am starting to feel fear but these very very clear flashbacks of me with him keep appearing and i know he knew i didnt want to and knew how drunk i was . But i cant help feeling sick with guilt and shame that it looks like i consented but the worst that almost volunteered parts of me when he had not taken. I am pretty sure I never kissed him ever leading up to then but when it was happening i think i kissed him why (shortly after i realised what was going on )? it makes me so sick and i think i put my breast in his face he had caused a bruise on it. this has been making me feel awful . I dont know y i would do that, all i can think is i had repressed what was going on n thought i was with my gf or something i dont know have you ever heard of that ? im so confused. Someone said its not the reactions of the victim to blame but the actions of the rapist but it doesnt help i am sick literaly sick. i feel so stuck like i feel i cant tell people this because then it was my fault . the only soulution is killing myself and i cant do that because i care too much about my loved ones.
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L. Sorry for the delay I was on vacation since last Thursday. I’m sorry the police didn’t believe you but I do! I understand your confusion and you need to know that this was abuse and you were taken advantage of in your vulnerable situation. It is not your fault that any of this happened, no matter how much you had to drink. Just b/c a person drinks that isn’t asking to be raped. Then that means everyone that is out drinking is asking to be raped and we both know that isn’t true, you are no different. What you need to do is stop concentrating on things you can’t change and focus on feeling better. I hate to hear that you think the only solution is killing yourself b/c that doesn’t solve anything it just makes things worse, obviously for you but also b/c you did nothing wrong. All it will do is let the rapists know they can get away with it and trust me it will happen again, b/c I’m sure you weren’t the first. So by killing yourself, the world would loose a wonderful girl and instead keep rapists in it!!! No No No! That can’t happen, how fair would that be? I need you to go talk to a professional, either by contacting a local crisis center or going to rainn.org and they can help find a professional that can help you in your area. Listen you don’t have to tell all the details to your girlfriend or family, just that it happened, if and when you are ready. BUT you do need to talk to someone so you can understand that you did nothing wrong and this isn’t your fault. You asked me if I’ve heard of someone confusing the attacker for your loved one and yes as a matter of fact, it happens a lot. When you go in and out of consciousness and have a partner it is common for you to think you are with them and block out what is happening to you. So once again you did nothing wrong. I understand how sick you feel and I know it is hard, but once you truly feel you aren’t to blame it will get easier. Trust the people that love you, they love you for you not what happens to you. You didn’t ask to be raped and they know that, nobody does. It doesn’t matter if you were drinking or whatever, people do that every day and they aren’t asking to be raped. Once you can realize it’s not your fault and that this does not define who you are, you will fell so much better. That being said I really want you to go talk to a professional. You can probably find someone for free too if you go through rainn.org. In the meantime I want you to write out your feelings as a release so they don’t build up inside til you want to explode. Write out whatever is bothering you just to get it out. You don’t have to keep it just get it out. This will help you function and sleep better. I’m so very sorry this happened to you and glad you felt that you could write to me. I want you to know that this world is better b/c you are in it NOT them and there are so many people that know you and love you so don’t let the rapists win. Take care of yourself and don’t let this get the best of you b/c you are so much better that them and this and this does not define who you are, so don’t let it b/c then they win! Stay strong and I’m sending you a great big hug. Let me know how you are doing and please please go talk to someone so you don’t feel all alone b/c you aren’t! Much love, Lynn
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Thank you it really helps to know that its more common than i thought to think I was with my gf. Last night i broke down told my sister and my mum my fears that it was my fault da da da . They really helped and i slept by my sister and it was the best sleep i had in ages and i plan to sleep by her tonite as well. I am planning to get counselling when i am back at uni which is a week today really i get scared tho i dont think i really bonded with the one i had for a 2 weeks after it happend i only saw her 2/3 times. I know i need it. I am feeling so much better than before feeling like i can think straight again well for now , i dont think the sleep deprivation was helping either. Im so thankful for you xxxx
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L. So glad to hear you were able to talk to someone that could give you a sense of security and with that able to sleep. Sleep is sooooo very important b/c it helps your emotional state so much, remember that. As far as the counselor, I felt the same way, wasn’t sure if I connected with her in the beginning but it just felt so good to talk and get it out, even though it hurt and felt ashamed at the time. Try it a few more times and if you feel like you cannot open up or if you ever feel you are being judged (no good counselor will ever judge you) then get a different one. But in the beginning it is difficult to open up and tell these things to someone you don’t know, so a lot of the times it is more of the circumstances that makes it difficult and not the counselor, so don’t give up. Like I said though, if you ever feel you are being judged get a new one. I’m so glad I could help. Let me know how you are doing or if you need to talk in the future, you know where I am. Stay strong and get some sleep. Lynn
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hi,
I dont really know how to start, but 3 months ago i was druged raped but had no memory from it other then coming round in hosp in pain. because i couldnt recall what had happened the police had to just leave the case open, about 5weeks ago i got my memory back and have been unable to cope with it, about a week ago i told my parten and she was great about it and it helped alittle, but then the other day i was reading the paper and the pub that i was rape a nother women was rapt in to, and it sounds like the same men, i feel so bad as i didnt go bk to the police with what i had recalled and now i just dont know what to do, im in too minds! i wont to do what is right but i dont think i could cope with going over it again, i just wanted to know what you think is the right thing i should do as at the mo i cant sleep again or eat and i feel confussed all the time and feel like what happened to the other women is my doing. thank you for your help.
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