If you’re feeling lost and looking for some inspiration or would like to talk with someone that will not pass judgment on you, please feel free to contact me by leaving a comment at the end of this post. Posts are kept anonymous. Definitely take a minute to check out all the content. Is your rape controlling you? Well this website is to help YOU GET BACK IN CONTROL. It is to offer anonymous, encouraging ideas which can hopefully help rape survivors deal with their emotions, which is a necessary process in order to start the healing process. I thought as a survivor, with a year of personal counseling under my belt, and currently a rape counselor (my purpose in life now) why not share what I’ve learned with those in need. I know as a survivor the variety of mixed emotions, that can seem almost impossible to deal with at times, that affect you in your everyday life. As a counselor for 5 years I’ve also been exposed to a lot of different situations and types of rape. Please know you are not alone and you don’t have to be!.
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Dealing with Rape 
Dear Lynn
I am a mother of a 13 year old girl who ha s been actng strangely these days.I DISCOVERED SHE GOES OUT WITH OLD MAN AND IS SEXUALLY ACTIVE. I learnt that after a lot of questions and engagements with her that shes no longer a virgin and on further investigations. She has since told me how she was raped when in grade 2 by boys in grade 3 &4. I remember her coming home with blood on her underwear and took her to the doctor (paeds ) who examined her and found nothing wrong with her bcoz the hymen was still intact.Now shes blaming her behavior on that , I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO SUPPORT HER BCOZ AT TIMES I JUST DO NOT BELIEVE THAT SHE CAN GIVE IN TO MAN IF SHE IS STILL HAVING NIGHTMARES ABOUT THAT, doesnt she have those nightmares when having sex and moreover with old man. PLEASE HELP ME UNDERSTAND AS AM NOT ABLE TO DEAL WITH THIS AS A MOTHER
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N.
Your daughter blaming her actions now on what happened to her at an earlier age, is most likely true. There is no right or wrong as to how someone reacts to sexual assault. And a lot react out sexually later in their lives after it happens. Who knows why, what was said, how it made them feel. No one really knows other than the people there. What I would recommend to you is now that you know what happened, stop “investigating” and just let her know you are there for her as a mother. I hate to tell you but you will never understand sexual assault unless you’ve been through it. BUT you can be supportive of her and her feelings. You want to make her feel like she can come and talk to you, not like you are judging her or going to interrogate her. You need to make her feel like she
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N.
Your daughter blaming her actions now on what happened to her at an earlier age, is most likely true. There is no right or wrong as to how someone reacts to sexual assault. And a lot react out sexually later in their lives after it happens. Who knows why, what was said, how it made them feel. No one really knows other than the people there. What I would recommend to you is now that you know what happened, stop “investigating” and just let her know you are there for her as a mother. I hate to tell you but you will never understand sexual assault unless you’ve been through it. BUT you can be supportive of her and her feelings. You want to make her feel like she can come and talk to you, not like you are judging her or going to interrogate her. You need to make her feel like she WANTS to turn and talk to you instead of this older man. No one knows the type of relationship she has with him but she needs to feel closer to you than him. Only then will she respect what you have to say and listen to you. You can’t force anything because that only force her away. My best advice to you is don’t judge her and be there with open arms. Don’t dwell on what happened in the past, just try and set a goal of how you would like the future to be and let her know you love her and will always be there for her, no matter what. If you can get her to counseling that is great too but don’t force it. The only thing you need to force is your unconditional love and trust in her. Hope that helps. Lynn
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Can a barbiturate be used as a date rape drug? I mean I know anything sedating can but I’m curious if it’s common. After I was raped, about 12 hours later a rape kit was administered and a tox screen. It showed barbiturates – it came up positive for them. I had never taken a barbiturate in my entire life – and I certainly didn’t take one that night. It was on a date and I did have a couple of drinks – so I thought it could have been put in my drink….in liquid form? In another form?
I had two drinks and then got really, really, really sick which was unlike anything before and then became incapacitated. I remember feeling so bad that I thought I was going to die and the room spinning.
What do you know about barbiturates and date rape? I appreciate your help.
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P. Well I can tell you that is what happened to me. I wasn’t on a date but I had GHB put in my drink at a beach bar and had the some of the same symptoms. What I know is that there are several different types of drugs that are used and unfortunately being drugged and raped is on the rise and common these days because it is so easy to do and it typically makes you blackout, which is why it is so common because now it is your word against their’s and the victim typically doesn’t remember anything other than having a drink and feeling sick. There are several different types of barbituates, which you probably wouldn’t recognize there medical name but some slang names are “yellow jackets”, “reds”, “blues”, “army’s” and “rainbows”. Berbs are what Jimmy Hendrix overdosed on. They are most common in sleeping pills but if taken in a massive does can cause coma or death. So I know you were raped and that is horrible but the good news is you are alive. I have to tell you after a year of thoroughly being depressed and not dealing with my rape, that was my turning point. The day I realized I could be dead. I read that GHB mixed with alcohol (depending on the strength because every batch is different) could have killed me and I was left for dead on the side of the road where I woke up). I realized even though the old Lynn was dead, there was a new Lynn left on this earth for a reason and that was the day I became a survivor. I wasn’t gonna my rapist have another day of my life since he already took a year. Because I realized I still had a life and he wasn’t gonna be a part of it any more and I had to make the most of my life that was left. I hope this day come to you too because you are lucky to be alive. Trust me if someone can rape you and risk your life like that they can just as easily kill you, even if by accidental overdose. So you are lucky to be alive and I hope that you too make the most of your life and try your best not to let the rape dictate your life. Easier said than done but definitely possible! I hope this helps. Good Luck and Stay strong, Lynn
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Hey – thanks for the response. What you said about not letting the rape dictate my life makes a lot of sense.
I know this question is kinda indicative of letting it dictate my life (LOL) but I’d just like to ask you one more question:
from your experience, can someone get closure without confronting the attacker?
What does getting closure really mean? Is it possible or neccesary?
In my case, I was staying somewhere else (a camp type situation) and the people who worked there went to extreme lengths to make me out to be liar to save themselves from a lawsuit or investigation. They humiliated me (read my rape kit examination file in front of a group of people) and did some other awful things (said “People like you killed Jesus” – I never knew what that meant but it did hurt my feelings. They guy who said that was a little unstable. to begin with)
I’m less angry toward my attacker and much more angry about being called a liar – and angry toward the many people who tried to discredit me. I never went to trial because no one supported me – and at that time, I felt I couldn’t do it alone.
Its taken me almost 3 years to be where I am now and believe what happened. I feel bad about not going to trial – but really bad about not ever saying anything to the people who covered it up.
I’d like to go confront these people. Not because I need anything besides the feeling that I stood up for myself. I didn’t then, and I’d like to now. To know I did everything I could for myself. To let them know that it was wrong – more like saying “I know what you did and its not ok”. I mean I was also thinking a lawsuit – even if I didn’t win, just to know I stood up.
Not sure why I feel like I have to do this and I’m not sure its the right choice.
Help?
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i found out 2 days ago that my wife of 10 yrs was raped in college. she has explained briefly that itisaffecting our relationship and her wanting to be with me. As a husband how can I help her?
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P. I’m not sure if closure is the right terminology because in the end it is the same result, you were sexually abused and that doesn’t change. I think it should be more described as letting go of your past and moving on with your future life. That is the hardest part for any sexual assault victim to do, to just let it go. The other hard part where you are right now is to learn that you can not control what anyone else thinks or does. You can only control yourself and your thoughts and sometimes even that is difficult. It’s extremely hard when you feel the need to be justified, believed and vindicated. I don’t feel you are going to get what you need from those people and if you don’t then you’ve wasted a lot of time and energy for the same result. However, if you feel it could possibly happen again to someone then you need to go to the police. Were they able to get any dna evidence? If so, then you should prosecute either way and a lawsuit is up to you. Whatever you do you really need to go to counseling, there I know you would be believed, vindicated and be helping yourself in a more positive way. Therapy or counseling (even group) is the only thing that is going to help you to let go of the past. I understand you might need to take those steps in the meantime and you have to do what you feel is right for you, just don’t forget to take care of yourself too. Stay strong. Lynn
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S. First let me commend you for wanting to help your wife. I’ll give you some suggestions but she has to want to help herself before you can help her. 10 years of suppressed feelings is a very long time. Hopefully by her telling you she is ready to get help. Do you have medical insurance through which you can obtain a therapist? That is your best bet. If not there are other resources like 1-800-656-hope in the US which can give tell you places to call and go in your city where you live and can be anonymous. The things you can do is support her by not asking questions, when and if she wants to talk about it she needs to do it on her own. You can always make her feel safe and loved no matter what happened in her past. And just be there for her when she needs you and give her space without question when she needs it, especially if you can get her to a therapist as she will be trying to cope with the past and delving into deep emotionally feelings. Let her know you are her rock for whatever and whenever she needs you and this secret she has told you doesn’t change the way you love or look at her. Let her know how strong you think she is for dealing with it herself for this long but try to help her realize that she doesn’t need to do it alone anymore. She might be resistant to go because she doesn’t want to relive any of the memories, but let her know that until she lets it out it will always consume her and it will always be her shadow and you can never run from your shadow. Besides dealing with it for a couple months or a year is better than letting it affect you for 10 years and the longer she waits to get counseling the longer it will take for her to heal. You could even try counseling for yourself on how to cope and that might help to get her there as well. It won’t be easy but the end result should be a better and brighter future for both of you. Good luck and stay strong. Lynn
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Hello.
I’m 17 and at age 13 I got into some sexual tension with my own cousin. I look back on it now and I recently feel like my world has been falling apart. I retraced what happened and to some extent, I did not want to engage in sexual content with my cousin. I vagulely remember him saying to keep going, or he would yell “come on” but thats all i see. For years I called it rape in my mind but it never passed me as rape until this year. Whatever it was, it has been keeping me sick to my stomach for the past week. I don’t know how to keep myself from becoming unstable and it seems that no one around me really has any answers. I don’t blame myself and I don’t think it’s my fault. I know that. But I can’t help by cry and cry and cry recently, and I feel like it will never stop. Please help. Thanks.
J.
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J. It seems something has triggered emotions that you never really dealt with and they are resurfacing. The good news is you aren’t blaming yourself and realize it wasn’t your fault because it wasn’t. No matter what happened you were taken advantage of by someone you trusted. It seems that these unresolved feelings are telling you that you need to deal with them, which is why you are so emotional. Emotion isn’t a bad thing because you have to feel in order to heal. I have a couple suggestions, one thing you can start to do right now is write down how you feel, about anything, not just what happened at 13. You need to get it out. There is no right or wrong just getting your feelings on paper, out of your body and then reflect on what you wrote. You can keep it or throw it away but this will help get your emotions and everything you are feeling out. Secondly, you should try and get some counseling. There is an anonymous hotline 1-800-656-hope that can give you information for counseling in your city and a lot of the time it is free. You can also go to their website of rainn.org and check it out. This is all they do 24/7, help people such as yourself get in contact with a specialist trained to help in your area. Hopefully you can keep your distance from your cousin, which I recommend. the writing really helps, sometimes your emotions aren’t so confusing when they are on paper. Do you have a friend or family member that supports you no matter what? Because it would be ideal if you had at least one person you can turn to day or night just to give you comfort. If you do and you haven’t told that person, sit them down and be honest and tell them you’re trying to deal with it, sometimes if flairs up, but you just need someone to be there for you and support you as you go through this. Whatever you do please don’t put it off seeing a professional. I say this all the time, your demons are like your shadow, you can’t run from them. The longer you suppress your feelings the longer it takes to heal. I know you see the crying as bad but it is all those suppressed feelings trying to come out, so let them. Now would be a great time to seek professional help because you are so emotional and you are ready to get it all out and move on. I wish you the best. I’m always here if you need me! Lynn
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My wife has since seeked conseling but it has been a difficult road for us. i think she still feels as if I’m smothering her and I’m doing everything i can do give her space. i just feel like I’m not being there and by doing that she will grow apart from me. Hos do I do that and let her still know I’m there without smothering her. She has treated her mom and myself the same way and distanced from us both. I’d give her my fianl breath if it made it better for her. I appreciate the advice. In your professional opinion can the therapist really help her through this.
God Bless and thanks
S
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I also wanted to know if its ok that she now has a hard time saying she loves me since all of this.
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S. First yes yes yes a therapist can help and I’m soooooooo glad she is going. I know it isn’t easy and she probably needs her space now more than ever because she is being forced to deal with it. My best advice to you is to treat her as normal as possible (not fragile) and give her all the space she needs. The therapist has to go into what happened back then as well as her life now so it is not a short process. One of the reasons she is being distant from the two of you is because she loves you the most and doesn’t want to hurt you more. She also feels that you will look at her differently as if she isn’t as good as she was (we all feel that no matter what you say or do). Which is why I said earlier to compliment her on her strength on trying to deal with it on her own for 10 years. She knows now she needs help, but doesn’t want to come across as weak and fragile (even though she is on the inside). So always avoid noticing out loud when she is fragile but at the same time always be there for her when she comes to you for strength. She probably is having a hard time saying I love you because of the emotions she is facing and evaluating and “love” isn’t any part of rape. She will need as much time as she needs to heal for 10 years and it won’t be easy. But at the toughest time, remember it is even tougher for her. Just be there quietly and out of the way, but be there because she will know and when she is ready she will recognize you were her rock through it all. Don’t forget there is counseling to help you as well if you need it. I’m just so proud that your wife finally got the help she needs. Stay strong, Lynn
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Thank you Lynn. this is just been the hardest thing I’ve ever went through and that includes the death of my mother when i was 15. it is so hard to feel so distant to someone you love so much. i would not be in this world without her. How do you know when to be there and when to just get away? Any conversation with me seems difficult. Sometimes she talks then just shuts down. Its hard for me especailly because i tell her i love her all the time. I’ve always done that. I only ask now for a kiss good night with her permission and she lets me. I’m going to try and seek some help myself. I’m absolutley devasted by this. I told her I love her more now that this happend than i did before and i didn’t know I could that. In private this is hard to say becuase I’m a guy but i cry everyday. I haven’t cried in 20yrs. I’d give my final breath of life for my wife. There is no more true love than what I’ve found in her. It’s so hard to not get anything back. Even for our eyes to look at each other. Thank you so much for discussing this with me. i hope doing family things with her is not difficult. i have come to realize and i never knew but everytime we were romantic how painful it must have been for her. I’m so sorry for that but I just never knew. She toldher mom and I how embarrased she was. We both told her how much we love her and that we think nothing less of her. i told her she was the strongest woman I’ve ever met. Thanks for helping me.
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S. I’m glad to help. I want you to remember something, when you feel distant from your wife or she isn’t responding like you are use to and it hurts you, try not to take it so personally. You did not hurt her nor did you make it worse by making love throughout your marriage. You have been a loving husband and it sounds to me like you always will. This is about what happened to her and she has just now determined she wants to deal with it. You see rape causes people to look inward – What did I do to allow this to happen? – instead of outward – Why was this done to me? We need to look outward and make the rapist accountable and believe we did nothing to deserve this. We must start looking outward in order to heal and she clearly isn’t there yet, but with the proper help she’ll get there. You see that’s why she needs help because it is a very difficult transition. I heard this saying, “If you can’t see it, you can’t be it? When an individual is regressing it is hard for them to actually see what they can be in life. I think you seeking help too is a good idea. Once again thanks for wanting to help your wife and even when you feel like she doesn’t notice you, she does and she appreciates it tremendously, I know it. Stay strong, Lynn
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are there any signs of things i can look for in her to see whe is opening back up to me or is it just something i will see. is it ok to ask her to do things with me…like dinner or a movie? or is just being alone with me period to difficult for her. This is so tough becuase I’m trying so hard to do the right things and I guess you just never really know if you are. Thanks again you’ve been very helpful to me. The first time i met my wife was amazing. I’m hoping after all this is done it will be like meeting her all over again. That day will be a blessing. i keep telling myself God put me in this situation becuase he knew i could handle it. I hope he is right. I don’t want to lose her. She is my life!
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s. everyone is different so it is hard for me to pin point her actions when I don’t know her. Also, everyday changes depending on the mood we are in, some days are better than others. I think it’s best to be as normal as possible. And I would like to reiterate that you need to not take it so personal. I realize this is easier said then done but if you can let it roll off your back and realize it is not you just something she must go through in order to get on the road to recovery. So thinking “being alone with you” is making it difficult is not the way you need to think. It is just her needing to be alone for herself not to get away from you. So giving her space is not a rejection, even if it feels like one. She is lucky to have you and she knows it even if she doesn’t show it. And you are correct, God doesn’t give us what we can’t handle. Stay Strong! Lynn
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Thansk for all your help again
i went to my first session tonight. My guess it is just to feel me out. I was very glad and relieved to go. i sure hope in the long run it helps us both.
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My wife and i both discussed a little bit about our therapy sessions last night. She had one request of me from her and her therapist. I’ve been bad at confiding in her friends. You see being married some of our friends are the same. I meant no wrong by confiding in them. I knew I shouldn’t but i so wanted to learn more and try to help her. I told her today that in the last few days i realized i shouldn’t be doing that and told her I wouldn’t do that anymore. Not sure if she believes me and that hurts. i just wish there was a way to know from her that she cares. To know that I’ve done the things that i have out of love. Do you think that day will come? I hope someday she can realize what a challenge this has been for me and how hard I’m trying. I just need little signs that she knows I’m trying. These are things that I just can’t fix overnight. I just want to be able to do some simple things with her. talk about the day, talk about the kids. Because of her wanting me to seek help it makes me feel as if I’m a huge problem in her life. I guess i shouldn’t feel that way should I? Coping with all this has been very difficult without my number one support person-her. it’s been a struggle for me to lose this empty feeling inside. But I am trying. I never want her to think i don’t love her and that i’m not there for her. i love her so much and hope someday she can see the things that i put myself through to try and make things better for her and us. God Bless
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S. I’m so glad you are going to the therapist and you are talking. Keep a couple things in mind, the talks might not all be good BUT it is important that you are communicating. Here is another suggestion, write her a letter to express how you feel and when you give it to her tell her no response is necessary you just needed to let her know a few things. Now try not to make it sound like she isn’t doing this anymore or “she” is making you feel this way. All you will do then is put more burden on her shoulders. I understand why she doesn’t want you to talk to her friends because ultimately that should have been her decision. But I also know how distressed you are and how badly you want to “fix” things. No matter how much you love her you have to let go of the idea of “fixing” things or making her better. No one can heal the other person only them. Your role is to just be her rock when she needs to lean on you. All you need to do is let her know when she needs you will be there. So my suggestion is let her know how much you love her and you will be there when and if she needs you, that if you have done anything to add to her turmoil, you are genuinely sorry that you were only trying to help because you feel helpless and she is the love of your life and always will be. Reiterate that she can trust you and you won’t make a mistake like that again b/c you want her to know she can come to you with anything at anytime. You said in your vows through the good and the bad and you know you will get through this. Try not to put any high expectations on her, like “I know we can be the same again) or “I want to get back to where we were when we were happy” because her life will be different going forward, it can be good but it will be different. Let her know that you understand there will be times when she needs her space and you are going to let her do what she needs to do in her own time. Tell her that you feel in order not to step on her toes that you feel you need to take a step back and you will leave it up to her to come to you, and when she does you will be there. It’s kind of like the old saying, you take a step back and she take a step forward. You take a step forward and she’ll take a step back. Once she knows you are there but leaving the ball in her court and confirming your love for her, she can concentrate on what she is learning from the counseling instead of worrying about you and whatever else. She might not take that step forward right away b/c you have to show her you are serious about what you said. And then when you least accept it she will reach out for you, I bet! Stay strong! Lynn
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i had an AH HA moment today. After reading all your kind words and articles on rape and depression and listening to my wife i feel like i somewhat understand. Things are clicking for me better. I’ve realized what i need to do or attempt to do. I was so unaware fo how depressed she was but no looking back and seeingher how i can see some signs. I can see why happiness is important to her. She is reaching out for positives. The negatives go tto the point with her that she just couldn’t hold it any more. Us getting older and having kids, sickness with her parents, death of a grandparent, a miscarriage, my job changes. etc etc. it just seems so clear right now. But also frustrated taht it was there and i didn’t see it or know. This is why I pushed her for some answers. I needed it for myself so I could understand learn and grow and hoepfully help her in the process. I still feel God put me with her for this reason. To be there and show her a love that many couples will never experience or know. i sure hope i’m right and i sure hope I am understanding this correctly. I sure hope the therapist can help her get through this. She is going 2x per week. I pray all the time for my wife to return to me.
God Bless and thanks again
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S. I’m so glad I could help and more importantly that you both love each other enough to start counseling as this is the hardest for most people (including myself at the time). I have a really good feeling that this will have a positive outcome for you both. God Bless to you and your wife! Lynn
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I…I don’t really know how to start this. I was…well, I’m still in the stages of dealing with it, and I’m not entirely ready to talk about it. what happened to me was sexual assault, and then submissive…(I can’t even say the word…). I can’t help but feel it was my fault, I even feel like it was cheating on my at the time boyfriend, even though in my mind I know it wasn’t my fault, but my heart says it is. It didn’t only happen once, and, yeah, I know the guy.
What I am really struggling with, is that when I try talking to my current boyfriend about it, even in the slightest, he gets uncomfortable, and changes the subject. He’s the only one i feel comfortable speaking to, yet…he shies away from the topic. I know he has a good heart, but I think he’s afraid of dealing with this.
I feel alone in this, and I can’t bring myself to talk about it. I have nightmares where I relive all of it…I have dreams where its like Scrooge in “A Christmas Carol” and I’m being taken around by demons rather than the ghost of christmas past, present and future, and being shown every time that it happened in great detail.
i don’t know how to deal with it. I feel so alone. It only started less than a year ago…
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is it possible for my wife to keep pulling away before it gets better. That is what i feel like is happening now. is it ok for me to ask my therapist to help me understand it better. when she gets home from her therapist it always feels like there is a dagger in her hand pointed towards me. like she is using her words to her me. o ri sit that she is just so confused its not the true person I know?
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C. Listen to your head, which knows it isn’t your fault. Your heart doesn’t feel like it’s your fault it doesn’t know how to feel or deal, that’s all. No one in life is automatically equipped on how to deal. I hear your confusion and inner fight. You are thinking you should have done more to change the outcome, but how could you when you didn’t expect it to happen. No person expects it to happen, whether submissive, abusive or threatening! Having a boyfriend adds more fury to the fire. And you are probably more worried about what happened (that you can’t change) and your boyfriend, when you need to be focusing on you. Place the anger and shame where it goes, ON HIM, release it from yourself. You did nothing to ask for it. It just happened and you didn’t know how to deal with it. Well guess what, join the club. Because I would bet everything I had on the fact that not one person raped knows how to deal or fully understands why. So you are not alone. I don’t think your boyfriend is the person to talk to right now if that is the way he is acting. Don’t be mad he doesn’t know either and it hurts him to talk about what happened to you. None of my family (they were all I had at the time) wanted to act like it ever happened and that was the worst, especially when I was ready and needed to talk about it. Try and find another friend, family member if you are in school a guidance counselor. You really need someone who will be there for you with support 24/7. Let them know that all you need them to do is be there when you want to talk or just someone to hang with when you are lonely, or even a shoulder to cry on. Tell them you don’t expect them to heal you or talk about it all the time just companionship when needed. If you don’t know or are not able to trust anyone else write your feelings down just as a release. You don’t have to keep it, you can trash it just get it out. I bet you this would also help with your nightmares, because you are not keeping the darkness inside but facing it in reality and letting it out. You have to feel in order to heal. So it’s OK to cry and there is no timeframe on healing. We all want to heal quickly but we are only going to get as far as we try. And unfortunately healing from a rape is not easy, we really have to dig down deep and try as hard as we can. That is why I feel like I am now the strongest person I have ever been in 44 years of life. Because this was the most difficult thing I have ever had to overcome. I wouldn’t have made it without a professional counselor, which I always recommend, when you are ready. All you need to do is call 1-800-656-hope and they can tell you a counselor in your area trained in rape. That is the best way and quickest way to get on the road to recovery and having better relationship with your boyfriend. Just remember take care of yourself first then once you have your head straight it will be easier to deal with the ones you want to deal with and you may find some that aren’t worth it. Stay strong, Lynn
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S. yes it is very common for it to get worse before it gets better. This is where I need you to trust me and when things happen, keep telling yourself, “not to take it personal”. She might still be upset with you for talking to her friends but if you told her in the letter the way I said she will eventually let that go and see the good things you do for her which far outweigh any slip ups. That might not even bother her anymore and it is just about dealing with what she couldn’t handle before. When people have negativity in their lives (which she is obviously going through while she is dealing with this through therapy and having to relive it and address feelings she never wanted to) they only tend to see negative things because they are consumed. So please keep telling yourself it’s not personal. Also, she is not the same person. I know it is hard to believe that she was this way all this time and now another world apart and totally different. Ideally she needs to take care of herself right now and not worry about the people around her and put all her focus on her healing. Then once she gets her head straight she needs to deal with everyone else. How can she make it better with you when she isn’t better herself and still confused? I know it is hard but I always say when I counsel victims, don’t worry about anybody else but yourself. You have to get yourself right before you can make it right with anyone else. Make sense? I hope so, it’s not personal, really! She knows you love her but she needs to love herself before she can let you love her. Stay strong and thanks for being such a wonderful person. It is so hard for you because you love her so much. I know but as much as you want you can’t heal her only support her, which I know you do. Lynn
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L
you have been so great I’d love to thank you over the phone or person. She has had some concerns over our marriage the last 4 years. I never knew that. Guess i missed some signs but as you are aware everything comes to light now. I’ve had some bad jobs and brought some of that negativity home. I’ve always treated her well though. True to only her and love beyond love for her and our kids. She has stressed to me that those years bothered her. Could taht be escalated by all this as well? Its a concern to me that it may be something she won’t get over. I hope not though. She is my life. Thansk for all your suppport. you answer things more honestly then the therapist i’m going to. They just let me talk but never say much or seem to offer help
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S. They wouldn’t be good therapist if they didn’t evaluate you and your situation. I felt like that too and I talked for awhile, but I also figured out myself with their help and guidance. So take baby steps, they know what they are doing even if it feels tedious sometimes. I’m gladd I can help in the meantime. And yes your wife is also evaluating everything about her life but it isn’t because of you, it is because she digging deep inside and doing a lot of soul searching trying to find her belief system again, in everything. So don’t take it so personal (you will start doing this soon, so don’t mind me when I keep reiterating) just trying to keep reminding you. You are doing great, I know it! You know why because you are feeling which means you aren’t locking it up and you are on the road to healing. It may not feel like it but some times you have to push yourself through the emotions or actions, because you know it will help in the long run, even though it feels strange at the time. You are both taking the right steps and that is the BEST you can do so take a deep breath and know you are doing the right thing and stay positive! Lynn
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Please help me! My wife told me she is still angry about telling her parent about the assult. Also, i questioned her today about a phone number that showed up a couple times on our phone. it is a guy that she works with who si going through a divorce. She got very defensive when i asked her about it. She asked me wher ethe number came from and I said the caller ID. She said BS. i know its programmed into her phone as well but she doesn’t know that. It’s listed under his lasst initial only. I’m very concerned as is her family. We are a very faith oriented family and we can’t believe this is her. How do I get help Lynn? Who do i turn to. I told my wife I’m trying to do the right things but How do I know if i am. i don’t want to get strubng along if there is more here. I’m not leaving her I will stand by her side but she is so angry with me I can just see it. I’m sure she questions my trust. What can i do please help me. Its serious! I love ehr with all my heart and soul but she just shuts me out. it’s almost as if she is trying to put blame on me to take it away from her.
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the other thing that is hard L is that I’m constantly battling to be there for her becuase of her assult and trying to repair some marriage issues as well. How can i balance that without going crazy myself. It s tough inner balance.
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S. It doesn’t sound to me like you are giving her space…… All you are doing by checking her phone and talking to her Mom and friends is alienating her. I hate to say this but it sounds like you are kind of smothering her. I have a lot of guy friends and my husband has never questioned me nor have we gone through each others phones. This is not healthy and giving her more reasons to resent you. Whatever happens happens, but she has to figure out what is best for her. She can’t worry about you right now, as hard as that is to accept. Once again how is she suppose to know what is best for you both if she doesn’t know what is going on with her. You need to trust her and give her space. You don’t have to follow my advice but I sure would hate for your to force her into a decision she isn’t clear about. If it is so bad that you can’t back off then the only thing you can do is sit her down and talk. But once again if she isn’t ready you are not going to get the results you want. Take 10 deep breaths and back off. If she feels like you don’t trust her then you are forcing her to deal with your relationship when she is trying to find herself again. Basically you are taking away from her healing to deal with you, I can promise she will be resentful and you won’t hear what you want. If you love her show her by trusting her, not questioning her and giving her space. That is what she needs but it sounds like you are being really needy of her (not sure but it kinda sounds that way). Go back through my posts and read them again when you get stuck, if you want. Hope that helps, Stay calm and strong. Lynn
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I bet you are right Lynn. I’m sorry it has just been hard. To love someone and stay away. I’ll do my best for her
Scotty
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L.
thank you. Part of getting it out to someone was therapeutic, i suppose.
I keep thinking that my boyfriend should be the best to talk to because of something he went through when he was little. I was the first he told about it, and it seems like he has dealed well with it. Maybe its because he’s been on medication for an injury…I don’t know. I will be patient with him…he is the only person I feel truly comfortable talking to about it…even if he goes distant. very few people know about it and especially not my parents.
As for a counselour…I don’t trust them. They are like a psychiatrist, and I just…I just can’t trust them.
I will try writing about it, maybe that will help, and I will pray about it. (I am very faith oriented)
thank you.
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C. I’m sorry you don’t believe in therapy, as that is the only reason I’m here and able to help people today. Maybe you will change your mind later, especially if you could find someone that specializes in rape, I think that is the big difference from just a regular therapist, so keep that in mind. Once again 1-800-656-hope can refer you to a specialist in your area. In the meantime, I strongly suggest the writing, it already helped when you wrote to me. Try to write everyday, about anything that is bothering you, not just the rape, because it affects a lot of your feelings. I think that will help and you can take a real honest look at your feelings. As far as your boyfriend, he probably hasn’t dealt with it and talking with you brings his feelings back up that he has locked away and doesn’t want to deal with it. Unfortunately, I really don’t think he is the person you should talk to and if you do and he isn’t ready to deal with it, it may push him away. This may seem selfish on his part but from my experience it is b/c he didn’t deal well either and not sure how to handle nor does he want to. I hope I’m wrong. But you can’t worry about him right now you have to do what is best for you. Stay strong with your faith and put yourself first. When you get through this (and you will) maybe then you can help him. Lynn
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S. Good for you and your relationship! I’m proud of you. Now you must keep your word to her. She will notice (if you do what you say), I promise. Remember nothing good in life comes easy. Take it one day at a time, stop worrying about the future and don’t forget to breathe! It’s not always going to be easy but it will be worth it. God Bless you both and stay strong! Lynn
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I think if your wife is asking you to give her the weekend then she needs it and she is also wanting to see if you mean what you say. So here is your chance to prove it to her. Let this be about her, all about her. You show her you can take care of things when she needs you to, give her the space, and be her rock when she reaches for you. But if you don’t give her the space she has no room to reach for you. As far as sharing your therapy sessions, only if she asks. Stay strong. Lynn
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S. First let me clarify that I am a volunteer counselor, not a licensed therapist. I’m giving my opinion from someone who has been there as well as seen many other situations through 4 years of counseling others and the national activist group I belong to. I always recommend to all that I talk with to seek professional help and I try to provide resources for them to reach out to. And by the way, you will know when your wife reaches for you. Also, I don’t think you need to play therapist to the family (no offense) it’s just that she doesn’t want you discussing it with her family so you should respect her wishes, until she is ready, but she needs to do it on her terms. Not sure if that is happening right now. Everyone needs to just relax and let her figure this out. When she does she will then be able to help herself, your family and her family. But she has to figure it out first, without any expectations or drama from anyone else. Not saying there is any drama, but I know the tension can be cut like a knife b/c I can feel it over here. So it can’t be good there. Remember 10 deep breaths and relax. Just keep the kids happy don’t worry about tomorrow just get through the day and make it the best you can for you and the kids. Hopefully, she will appreciate the time you give her and what you do for the family. No one has the answers I think you are looking for, but prayer and believing in your wife and your love should get you through this. God Bless and stay strong. Lynn
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what concerned me was she also said that becuase of what happened she didn’t feel she could be romantic with me again. And if she couldn’t be romantic with me again how could she love me. What do i do? I’m trying to suggest some marriage conseuleing
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Reading through S’s posts and your replies are scaring me as well as giving me hope. My wife was raped about 15 years ago. She did start going to therapy for the first time this past spring, but the birth of our daughter in May temporarily suspended that. I hope she gets back to going again as it was the first time she has ever tried to deal with it. She never told anyone when it happened. Today, while playing around on the internet, I found where she has googled her attacker’s name and various cities where he might be located (I only knew his first name and hometown until today). I’m not sure what she was looking for or if she found it. I was able to find him today though and found out he is in prison for DUI manslaughter. I don’t know how to feel about this and know I shouldn’t say anything to her. She recognizes that the therapy was good for her and for our relationship and I truly hope she decides to start again.
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S.
Sorry for the delay in responding as my father has been in the hospital, all is well now though. Without hearing her side it is difficult to say what she is going through. I think marriage counseling is an excellent idea if she is open to it. When you say “because of what happened” exactly what is she referring to. It doesn’t seem like this would be from the rape since it was so long ago. It sounds to me there might be more of an underlying issue that is here and now. Don’t get me wrong the rape and the fact she is trying to deal with it is stirring up a lot of emotions, but it sounds like there is more to it between the two of you. If I was her counselor I would be telling her not to make any rash decisions on her marriage until she is able to deal with her rape issues. Once she feels she has those under control then address any issues she feels she has with her marriage and work on those. She has to take care of herself first, then the marriage. But I have no idea where she is in her recovery. The one thing I do know is even if it is hard for you to give her the space she needs, it is the right thing to do. Try to suggest marriage counseling, when she is ready but in the meantime both of you keep seeing your individual counselors. Stay strong. Lynn
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SM
I’m glad your wife realized the counseling helped her and you are right not to say anything, unless of course she talks to you about it. It is one of the hardest decisions to actually go to counseling and delve into our rape when we try so hard to block it out. And we will only go when we are ready not because you want us to, I think you realize that. As far as her looking up her attacker, it could be from maternal instincts of being a mother and wanting to know for sure this horrible man was no where near her. It could be for safety reasons, it could be because she had a nightmare, who knows but don’t take it as a bad sign. Just let her know either by telling her or letting her know without words that you are there for her, provide her safety and you will be her rock when and if she needs it. You don’t have to say because of the rape, just because you love her. Thanks for being a good husband. Stay strong, Lynn
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Lynn
My wife met with are therapist and we are going to try and set soemthing up for both of us to go to together. Her therapist felt she was ready. referring to what happened in the past stems from my jobs. not having some success at a couple of jobs after leaving one taht i was very successful at for 8yrs was hard on her. I became negative towards my work and didn’t realize i was bringing it home. We never argued or fought I was just unhappy with my job. I explained to her it had nothing to do with her but I was ashamed of my work and didn’t feel it was why God put me here. I told her it was har dto express taht to her becuase I was ashamed of me. That is why i worked so hard to get here and now own my own business. Never was able to see how it was affecting my family. Then you throw in two kids, no time for ourselves to be together, death of a grandmother, sick father taht needed a kidney transplant, aging parents. I think it just all overwhelmed her. But I’m comitted to her becuase I love her so much. i just hope she can find it in her heart not to see me as the person that hurt her ( i wasn’t thatt man) and not associate me with bad things that happened in her life. We have too many good things that we have shared together.
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S.
I’m glad that she has agreed to marriage counseling, that means she hasn’t given up. That is an excellent step for you both. It sounds like she has a lot more going on than just trying to deal with the rape which can be extremely overwhelming for you both. It sounds like you both went through a period of self adjustments, and know that all married couples go through this, especially the longer you are married. Don’t give up hope. She obviously loves you to go to counseling and I know you love her too. Take it one day at a time. Stay strong! Lynn
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Hi Lynn 🙂
Okay, so where to start. When I was 12, I’m now 15, I was rapped by 6 boys, and 1 of them died when a few weeks later, and the other boys thought it was me who killed him, don’t worry, I’m not a murderer, but one of them called me, the other day and was saying how they are going to get me back because of what I done, they were saying they knew where I live and stuff, and yesturday I was at a really good friends house and after I went out for a walk around the river by where I live and they must have been following me because they were there and they done it again, this time only 5 of them though.
Basically, today I told my friend whos a boy, the close one, and he was stressing out shouting saying he going to kill them, which is understandable because I know I would say stuff like that if a friend of mine was rapped. My friend was really funny, like he couldnt really look me in the eye but he kept cuddleing me asking if I was okay and stuff, but now I’m just scared everything between us is going to fade away because of this.
Also before you say anything, I really don’t want to tell the police because last time I did, my whole family life just pretty much messed up and I can’t put my family through it again. I just don’t know what to do. I havent even asked a question but I just needed to write this down and get it out of me!!!
THANKS. x
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A.
First please know that I am here for you. It deeply saddens me that this has happened to you. You know as my responsibility for your safety the best thing for me to tell you to do is go to the police, but I understand why you don’t want to. Almost all victims I encounter are more worried about how everyone else is going to handle it or not handle it. But I need you to understand that everyone else can take care of themselves, but the only person who is going to take care of you is you. My point is you must put your safety and feelings first, because no one else (unless they have been through it) can truly understand what you are going through, therefore they can’t heal you. Only you can keep yourself safe and only you can go through the appropriate actions to help yourself get through this. Don’t get me wrong, they can support you, which you need and hopefully your friend will be there for you. But you can’t put his or your families needs before yours or your safety. I know it is a lot to take in and I wish I could be with you to help you, but I will do what I can from here to help guide you. Are you in school? Is there a guidance counselor you can speak to instead of the police. Do these guys go to your school? How much are they threatening you? Your parents should know so they can help protect you, if you feel you can confide in them. You need someone you can turn to 24/7 that will give you a sense of security as well as listen to you if you need to talk. I hope your friend can do that for you. Karma will get these idiots back, I promise you. But in the meantime you need to get some pepper spray (mace) to carry with you at all times. Also, no more walking by yourself please!!! The problem with not going to the police is they now think they control you and might be thinking about doing it again because they know you won’t report. It can turn into a vicious cycle, so please reconsider to show them you aren’t scared to report them. No matter what the consequences are with your family or your friend if you go to the police, your safety and life is more important. Don’t let them control how you live, they don’t deserve it. If you have anything that could have their dna on it, KEEP IT even if you don’t go to the police now. Keep it because you might change your mind later and that would help prove what they did to you. Just don’t forget that I am here no matter what you decide and I care! Please be safe and take care of yourself first. Keep me informed, please! Love, Lynn
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Hi Lynn.
When i was 12, i was bullied throughout school and i had one teacher who was always there for me and would always look out for me. When i got to the age of 13, he fled the country. I had heard rumours but not sure which to believe. A few months ago he got in contact with me and spoke to me like he used to in school. I spoke to him as my teacher because it is rather hard to see him as a normal person when he resigned. We spoke on a regular basis, just catching up and then he said he would like to meet up again. I agreed and set a time. I couldn’t make that time so i cancelled and kept changing the dates again and again and again. After a while of speaking, he got very sexual in the way he spoke to me. He told me that he always liked me and wanted to be in a relationship with me. I obviously refused because he was too old and i didn’t see him in that way. He then kept talking of meeting and doing things. He was very clever in the way he spoke to me, it was almost as if my body froze and went into submissive mode when he asked me to meet up and possibly do things of a sexual nature the other night. I couldn’t believe that i went along with it but i felt like i had no control for the whole time! He then took advantage of my situation and had sexual intercourse with me. I was so scared, ashamed, and just in shock, i just lied there and took it all.
I’ve informed the police but because i gave ‘consent’ i feel that this situation is out of my depth and i have no control over any of it.
I just don’t know what to do. I feel so dirty and embarrassed of the whole thing i just want to know where i stand because i am having trouble talking about it and cannot get the words out so i’m having words put into my mouth sometimes. It feels like i’m screaming at the top of my lungs but no one will listen. I’m so scared that this ex teacher of mine will be released and then i am on my own.
What can i do?
Thanks
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J.
The first thing you need to do is get a restraining order or an injunction on the person so if comes near you he can be taken right back to jail. Please do that for yourself. Next I want you to understand that this man knew exactly what he was doing and you did not. He knew you trusted him as a teacher and abused that trust. This is what I call a submissive rape, meaning you trusted him, he knew it and took your trust for granted. He is a predator and has been preying on you for a while. Do you live in the states? Because if you do that was statutory rape even if you consented. Didn’t the police tell you that? Please believe me when I tell you you were not at fault and you are not suppose to understand what he did at your young and innocent age. I think your instinct told you something wasn’t right which is why you kept re-scheduling BUT you are so young that you might not recognize your womanly instincts yet or at least know to trust them. Now you do. Know that feeling in your gut or if you feel something in the back of your head saying, “I’m not sure”, is right and learn to trust it. I’m sorry that you had to learn the hard way but to focus on something positive, I think you will always listen now. You did nothing wrong but trust someone you thought you could. You are at an age where you are curious and that is OK. NOT saying this is what you wanted, I know you didn’t. All I am saying is that you didn’t know what could happen or what he was capable of. He showed you attention, which every young girl at your age likes, that’s why they prey on you. Let me reiterate that you did nothing wrong by befriending him. You trusted him and believed he wouldn’t hurt you, which is what we all want to believe, right? I know how you feel and I understand, I truly do but the first thing you need to believe is that you didn’t do any of this. It was all his doing and he is good at what he does unfortunately. I need you to stay safe and I need you to believe this wasn’t your fault. Most importantly take all the shame and embarrassment off of yourself and put it on the person that deserves it – HIM! Take all those bad feelings and say he is the one that did this to me, he is the dirty old man who took advantage of me. He took the trust I gave him and turned it into something ugly. Remember he was the predator so try to release yourself of all the bad feelings and place them where they belong on him!!!!!!!! I know it is easier sad than done but keep telling yourself that because until you truly believe on the inside that it wasn’t your fault it won’t get better. And how will anyone else believe it if you don’t? I know with my hand to God that you were taken advantage of and were prey to this man so you need to believe it too and put all those negative feelings on him where they should be. I’m here if you need me, but in the meantime please please please get a restraining order on this person for your own safety – even though I doubt he will bother you again. You did the right thing by going to the police and all you need to tell them is that you trusted him and he took advantage of you, that you were confused and didn’t know what to do. Stay strong! Lynn
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Hi Lynn,
This happened at a friend’s place, my friends were all there having a good time, and the guy my friend wanted me to date was there too. I had met him before, but I barely knew him. I will refer to him as “pig”. At first I was fine with pig there, but I didn’t know what he would do… The girls and guys began to leave the room hoping to leave me and pig alone. They left the room with big smiles and laughter. I felt very betrayed like they had planned this all along? Pig started kissing me, and for some reason, I didn’t stop him. Then he started to move his hand down my pants, then up my shirt…Thats when I knew I didn’t want it. I told pig to stop…he didn’t. I told him i didn’t want to do anything with him, and he said he didn’t care… I started to feel attacked and very scared I realized he wouldn’t stop, but I kept trying to talk him out of it…the last thing I said before he had sexual intercourse with me was ” If you care about me you won’t do this!!” and it felt like an attack, like the words jumped out of me. Then he stopped for a second and I almost felt releived, but then he answered with ” I don’t care about you…” and he looked right at me when he said it. I felt my eyes fill with tears I knew I was crying and I knew I was going to get raped and I knew at that momment everything was messed.I felt very uncomfortable and gross. Then I felt him hold me down and go inside me. It was the most disgusting feeling I’ve ever felt in my life, I wanted to die right then and there. It felt like it would never end. Threw out the entire time I was crying and trying to scream, or push him off of me, but he is alot stronger than me…I didn’t stand a chance. My scrawny arms were nothing compared to his. When he was finished with me he got off me, did up his pants and told me to keep my mouth shut. I then put my clothes back on, and ran home crying. I didn’t even want to go home, I didn’t want to go anywhere. I wanted to die. I remember being so confused and asking myself if I had just been raped? It was the worst feeling I’ve felt in my enitire life. When I got home I decided I had two choices, one, I could tell my dad what happened right there. Or two, I could keep it a secret. I know I should have chosen the first one, but I didn’t. I was terrified of what he would think of me. I thought I would be judged, I wasn’t even ready to accept what had happened to me, and I wasn’t ready to talk to my father about it. So instead I changed my clothes because they felt gross, and I threw them out hoping I could forget the awful memmories they brought. I then went to bed very early that night, and cried. I don’t think I got any sleep that night because I was so traumatized. I thought about my options, and I decided I was going to keep it a secret, I was to scared to face it. I was scared of pig, aswell as everybody. I was scared everyone would judge me.
Iam now 14, I still havn’t told. I’m still scared of him, I’m still scared of being judged. I have told my best friend, she was very understanding and helpful, and shes the reason I’m still here. Without her I would have turned to suicide. I know it may sound like a stupid reason to kill yourself…but I felt worthless, and disgusting, I felt I had no reason to live. Sometimes I still feel like that when I think about it, but with the help of my best friend, I don’t have to worry, suicide is no longer an option for me, It is something I would never do. I still have yet to tell my parents, and I honestly don’t want to, when I tell this story I feel ashamed, and disgusted with myself. I know I need to tell, because not only is whta happened an issue, he is still hurting me. He hasn’t raped me for a second time, but he has touched me, and beaten me. He calls me terrible things and he has truely ruined my confidence, I am now a very sad insecure person. I know I need to do something about it, but I’m not sure I have the strength yet, but how much longer can I wait? Please help me or e-mail personally.
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S.
I’m so very sorry that she turned to someone else but I am glad it is out in the open. At least now you know what you are dealing with. Honestly I have heard of people growing apart because of sexual tension and pressure of trying to live a everyday normal life when nothing seems normal when we are trying to deal with it. I only know what you have told me which is one side, but I feel you have been very open and honest with me. Rape affects people in many different ways and we deal with it in many different ways. But the only reason I can see her turning to someone else is b/c she felt she couldn’t turn to you. This does not mean you were at fault in any way and I don’t know if that is true or not but that is my take on it. People get so confused and are so worried about other people judging them or being disappointed in them that they tend to turn to people that have no interest in whether or not this will affect what is expected of them in their routine life, like parenting or being a good wife in and out of bed. Sometimes it is easier (not better) to turn to someone that is not in the big picture. They won’t be too terribly disappointed or watching their every move to see how they are acting. The sad part is sometimes that builds a bond that they least expected. Hopefully by going to counseling it means she wants to try and work things out with you. Just know that rape is more confusing than any marital issues, it really is and unfortunately it seems to be the root of all your problems so recognize that and if you love her and still want to be with her tell her you will work through it, all of it and give it time. Stay strong and God Bless! Lynn
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