If you’re feeling lost and looking for some inspiration or would like to talk with someone that will not pass judgment on you, please feel free to contact me by leaving a comment at the end of this post. Posts are kept anonymous. Definitely take a minute to check out all the content. Is your rape controlling you? Well this website is to help YOU GET BACK IN CONTROL. It is to offer anonymous, encouraging ideas which can hopefully help rape survivors deal with their emotions, which is a necessary process in order to start the healing process. I thought as a survivor, with a year of personal counseling under my belt, and currently a rape counselor (my purpose in life now) why not share what I’ve learned with those in need. I know as a survivor the variety of mixed emotions, that can seem almost impossible to deal with at times, that affect you in your everyday life. As a counselor for 5 years I’ve also been exposed to a lot of different situations and types of rape. Please know you are not alone and you don’t have to be!.
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Dealing with Rape 
This is where you can leave your comments, or contact me . Remember, you are not alone !
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T, unfortunately I deleted your comment, but please read my answer below .
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T, my first question to you is have you told him about your rape? Hopefully you have because any man that you choose to have a relationship with needs to know what happened to you. No one needs the details UNLESS you feel like talking about it. They just need to know so they can be sensitive to the subject. If you haven’t told him and need help let me know but let’s assume that you have. You MUST take care of yourself because you are right it is not him it is you, so if you don’t feel like doing something sexual you shouldn’t do it. It is only hurting you. Does this happen all the time or sometimes? If it only happens sometimes and you want to please him then you need to look back at the times when you felt OK and see if there is a common denominator during those times that made you feel OK. Was it something he did or didn’t do? Were you especially amorous that night because maybe it was especially romantic. If you have always felt anxious and overwhelmed then you need to just sit him down and explain to him that it is not him that it would happen with anyone and you don’t like it either but you are trying to work it out. Let him know you don’t know what the outcome would. Ask him to take into consideration the big picture that you are dealing with right now and it’s not about the instant gratification for him. It’s about the healing process you are going through. If he is a wonderful man he will understand. And let me tell you there is no time frame for the healing process. Let me know how it goes and I hope this gives you some help.
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In 1986 when I was 13, I was abducted, beaten & raped. I have since gotten married and had 4 wonderful children. I have just now started to relize that my husband is very much like my attacker. he seems to think that NO doesn’t always mean NO. Often after sex, I feel so deflated & empty. I know he would never hurt me physically the way that my attacker did, but still takes so much from me each time he doesn’t listen to the word NO. In so many ways, I have never been able to get past the rape. i have had tons of counselling and am fortunate to have a few good friends that will listen without judgement. Still, i feel like I belong to a secret club that i never wanted to join & that there is a dark cloud of sadness that hangs over my head. I spend many days VERY depressed & try with every bit of energy i have to hide it for the sake of my kids. How can i find a place for all of this sadness, pain and anger? What am i doing wrong & why can’t i heal for this trauma? i want desperately to feel whole again.
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L., first let me say sorry for the delay, I was gone for the holiday. My first question to you is have you told your husband about the rape? I’m going to assume that you have since you’ve been married awhile (if you haven’t you must, it is absolutely necessary for you and him to survive). So assuming he knows you need to sit him down in a relaxed and calm situation (no kids around) when you can take your time. Explain that you are having uneasy feelings brought on by his actions causing flashbacks. Let him know that you love him and that you would really appreciate it if you could make some changes to try and avoid the flashbacks so it doesn’t hurt your sex life and your relationship with him. Try doing something romantic with or for him that concentrates on your connection with each other rather than sex. It sounds like you need to feel closer to him than you need or want the sex. Let him know how much you love him but you need him to understand exactly what he does to you when he doesn’t listen to no and how it relates directly to your rape. Every woman out there whether she has been raped or not sometimes are just not in the mood for whatever reason and if he loves you he will respect that. On the other side of the coin if you work on your connection and maybe adding some more or different type of romance that will help put you in the mood, you might not say no as often. However, if he knows about your rape and you have had this conversation before and is not responding to your requests then I would say he is hurting your personal situation and he might be the reason that you are having a problem with your recovery. If this is the case you might need to make even a bigger change. I couldn’t nor would I suggest to anyone to stay in a marriage that is not respectful of the rape or my emotions that go along with it. So sit down and try and talk to him. If you already have, do it again but this time let him know that you feel he might be the one hindering your healing process by not respecting when you say no. And tell him how desperately you want to heal and you want to heal with his help. If he gets upset and thinks only of himself and the sex then you need to heal without him. Also, have you ever tried group therapy? It truly helps because you don’t feel so alone or crazy and you learn how others have gotten through similar problems. Let me know how it goes and good luck. Lynn
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Hello Lynn,
I have became very close to a woman who was raped in her late teens (she is now over 30). I see many of the symptoms/results from the rape and over the last 2 years she has shared a few things about what happend but she is very candid. although she pressed charges I don’t think she has received any counciling for the rape.
I was wondering how, if at all, I could help her. Should I ask her to talk about it.(this would make me very angry, I’m sure I could hide it, but I really don’t want to know), should I convince her to go see someone?
We are very close but very far apart and I’m sure this has something to do with her being so open with me, guaranteed she doesnt talk about this to anyone.
not sure this post is in the correct place but thanks in advance.
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Friend of a friend,
Your friend is lucky she has you! Here is my advice. When the time is right you need to let her know how much you admire her and the person you have come to know. Your friend needs to feel special not damaged. I hate that word but unfortunately that is the best description of how we feel. We don’t feel worthy, when in all actuality we are more worthy now than probably ever before because of what we were able to overcome. It truly is a testament of our strength. The problem is we don’t recognize this as an accomplishment because we don’t want to be reminded of anything to do with rape. We will only start to believe in ourselves and accept the situation when we feel other people (that we have confided in) start to see and treat us normal BUT with the sensitivity and empathy that our new life embraces and not pity or evasiveness. So let her know you are there when she needs you and until then let her know you are glad she has let you in to know the beautiful and amazing person that she is today. Once she knows you are there for her on her level, when she is ready, she will let you know the kind of help she is ready for, whether it is from you or therapy. Good luck!
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Im 16 years old and female, 3 months ago i stayed at my sisters place, her boyfriend offered to get some drinks and have a fun night so i agreed and thought it would be alot of fun. (He has been with my sister for a few years and has always treated me with respect but seemed to flirt with me often when it was me and him) Later on that night my sister had gone to bed and i had already had a few drinks he also had a few, he walked over to me and i cannot remember to much but kissed me and i pulled away and said no and he told me to kiss him and i said no and he came onto me, i was unsure of the situation and really didnt know what to do and any normal person would pull away and yell at him but we had so much trust i couldint identify what was happening. we left it there and i didnt think to much of it. Later on that night we went to his friends house next door just to hang out except all i can remember is being in the bungalow outside with him and with a persuasive manner he was kissing me and touching me, i didnt know what to think or what to make of it and i went along with it even though i didnt want to and knew it was wrong. He managed to get me in a position where he started having sex not using a condom and i said no incessantly but he kept telling me it would be fine and that we should just do it and i still didnt think it was a good idea and he just did it and was like its fine. Afterwards i said that we should stop in case someone walked in just of a way of getting out of it. Later on that night he asked me many times to do it again and i made up excuses to get out of it. The second time which was three weeks ago was very similar but i thought my sister would be around to stop anythign from happening. i feel like i ocuold have stopped this rom happening and whether or not it was half my doing because i let it happen and didnt keep saying no to it. he is 5 yeard older then me and should have known what he was doing. i dont know if you would call this rape or a misunderstanding????? im not happy about it in any way and have become depressed over it and unfamiliar to family friends and school. i need to tell my sister and i am cared because some of this may have been my fault in letting it happen. ? help.
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Dear not sure,
I am SURE this is rape! He is 100% taking advantage of your trust. You MUST tell your sister because if if thinks he can get away with it with you he is doing it to other individuals. Think of it this way, if this was your husband and he did it to your sister wouldn’t you want to know. Now I realize this is easier said than done but first let me get your head straight. You are NOT wrong, you were just naive (no offense) and trusting. You didn’t understand or even want to believe that he would do this but he knew EXACTLY what he was doing. He planned it out by giving you liquor and getting you alone. He is a predator and if you don’t let someone know he will continue. YOU have the power to stop him. Even more he did it with you in hopes you wouldn’t tell because it is his word against yours and he will (guaranteed) try and throw it back on you. YOU MUST be strong! It won’t be easy but you have to stick to your guns. If this guy stays in your family it will haunt you and your sister forever. You both will always be second guessing and no matter how much your sister keeps him on a leash he will find a way to do it again, maybe not with you but with another unsuspecting girl. Only you can help and this is how. I don’t know the relationship you have with your parents but if it is good and strong, you need to tell them so they can support you when you tell your sister. More importantly this is statutory rape and against the law. You said no and based on what you told me sounds like several times. The fact that you ended up going through with it was because you were scared, shocked at what was happening and what I like to call in “survival mode”. This is what happens when someone gets scared and doesn’t know what to do, therefore they just let it happen to get out of the situation without being hurt, because they don’t know what else to do. This usually happens when someone is being threatened OR when if is someone they know and trust. And that is why he persuaded you with the alcohol so he could catch the person that trusted him off guard and take advantage. You need to go to the police, but I know that is also easier said than done. Also, the police would eventually need evidence in order to do anything (do you have any)? If you don’t feel like you can talk to your parents or go to the police then you need to go direct to your sister. Maybe you have a mutual friend of both you and your sister that you can go to and will back you up when you confront your sister. When you do and you MUST, try and stay calm. Not sure how your sister will react BUT know she will also go through some of the feelings you went through, anger, mistrust and possible denial. You will need to give her some time and don’t be angry at her if she doesn’t react the way you expect. In fact don’t expect anything just tell her the truth. She will need to confront her husband and need time to let it sink in and she ultimately will have to make her own choice of what to do, you can not make that choice for her. Just let her know that you would never lie about anything like this and ask her to think about what you have been going through since this happened and how distraught you are. Let her know she means the world to you and give her time. Hopefully she will begin to see the man he really is and make the right choice. You also may want to try and get some counseling if not for you but both of you. You can call the hotline in my website to find out places near you and some are free. I so feel for you and if you want to talk more or if I can help in any way please let me know. You didn’t do anything wrong other than trusting someone you shouldn’t have. Remember that and it will keep you strong as you go through this. If you don’t tell it will only continue to eat at you and come between you and your family. He doesn’t deserve that so don’t let him. If you want to contact me personally let me know and I’ll give you my personal email. Take care and stay strong, don’t let this jerk destroy your family and remember he brought all of this on not you! Good luck, Lynn
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Dear Unforgiving,
I may not understand completely but I do understand a lot of your feelings. Even though I don’t want to normalize your feelings by saying their “common” because I know they are internally debilitating, but all victims go through some type of internal hell. There is good news though, you are feeling and fighting to get your life back. That is the most awesome thing. Nobody said it was easy but you aren’t giving up even though you feel like it. Another thing I know is you would NEVER get any judgement from me, guaranteed. Between my personal life and counseling victims I’ve seen a lot and never judged anyone. I’m glad I could be a sounding board for you it seemed like you really had a lot to get out and whether you realize it or not that is such a healthy step towards living a normal life again, which you can and you will. The more you let out the better you’ll feel. Have you tried writing it down? I’d stay up all night because it would pour out of me and every time when I was done I’d get the best sleep ever which helped with my overall outlook the next day. Just a suggestion. I’m hear for you if you need me. Lynn
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Hi,
I just found your website on a google search, and I admit, I was skeptical. I’ve never had much faith in online resources. Last year, I was 15, and I was in a…difficult relationship. The guy I was with claimed he loved me, and of course, I fell head over heels. Throwing everything I had into it, I need a distraction from dealing with my parents divorce. We’d had sex before, but I knew I wasn’t ready, and he pushed alot, but usually I caved. I wanted to make him happy. Then one night, he was a lot more…pushy then usual. I said no in the beginning, but he begged and pleaded and I gave up. I didn’t know what else to do. I told him I didn’t want it, but he didn’t care. I feel like my life has been spiraling out of control. It’s been almost a year and I feel that I should have gone to the police when I had the chance, I’ve been recently debating on notifying the police. I don’t know if that would give me the closure I’m looking for or if it is just one of those pointless ideas. I don’t know if it would solve anything. I never really called it rape, but I think that’s what it was. A lot of the happenings of that night are fuzzy, even now. But I’ve shut down, and I don’t know what else to do. I would really appreciate any feed back you could give me.
Thank you.
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Hi H.
I understand your confusion, sometimes it is just not as black and white as we wished. Only you were there and if you felt pressured or forced after you clearly said no then you can classify that as rape. That is what it sounds like to me. How old is he and when is the last time you felt this happened? The reason I ask is because his age and when, makes a big difference as far as you filing charges. But whatever you decide to do you without a doubt need to take care of you. Have you talked to anyone at school or a family member or even an anonymous helpline 1-800-656-hope to find help in your area, some anonymous and other sources. Let me put it this way, this guy took advantage of you and every time he did he gained more control and absolutely showed you the wrong kind of love and respect that you deserve. You are young and impressionable and you need to get some type of help as to not let this effect you for a long period of time in other relationships. In other words the quicker you try to deal with what happened to you and understand it better the quicker your road to emotional recovery will start.
Please let me know his age and the last time this happened and we’ll talk more about your closure and at little bit about how the police will handle it. Stay strong, Lynn
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Thanks. I was, at the time 15, he was 18, almost 19. I know I could get him for statutory, but…I didn’t want to hurt him. I never really blamed him, I should have dealt with all this when it happened, a year ago. But I didn’t. I just wanted to forget and move on. And let me just say, I did a shitty job of that. I broke up with him after it happened, it was March 29, 2007. I ended it on the 31st. It just killed me because I had trusted him so much, but now, the very thought of talking to him, or seeing him around town, just paralyzes me. I know it wasn’t violent, it wasn’t overly rough, it was just…unwanted closeness. I’m at a complete loss, and I’m afraid I kind of asked for it.
How whiny do I sound?
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H.
Ok, first let me say that you didn’t do anything to “ask for it”. It was an obvious violation to you that you did not want to happen again because you broke it off and GOOD FOR YOU! Second, you don’t sound whiny, no one in here is whiny, they all just need a place to talk and release, as do you. I understand why you didn’t go to the police. I didn’t go to the police with my first one either. It makes it even more difficult when you know them because now you have added the terror of possibly having to deal with them again, whether in a courtroom or in the community. I understand. There really isn’t a right or wrong answer, because each situation is different and you have to do what you feel is best for your own recovery. One thing we do know is that it has been almost a year and it doesn’t sound like your recovery is going as good as you would like. I’m also getting the impression that you think if you would turn him in you might get closure. Let me tell you a few things you might go through if you decide to do that. You will give him a “label” as a potential sex offender with the police. However in order to make that stick they will need evidence. You will go through a lot of questioning and to be honest it isn’t pleasant. BUT if you have some type of evidence or way to make it stick, wouldn’t it be worth it to get him off the street? You know if he is doing it to you he is doing it to someone else. Unfortunately, if you don’t have any evidence such as a piece of unwashed clothing the police will make a report but not much will probably happen other than they will notify him of the allegations, if you want to try and prosecute. That can be a sticky situation for you that you need to consider. But who knows he might already have a police record. If you want to press charges, get prepared and get strong because it can be unpleasant to go through, but if convicted the end result is SO worth it! It gives you your sense of security and control back over your life. But just know that you can obtain that other ways, if you don’t report it. This is what I suggest. Do you know any cops or has a friend that does and trusts them to speak off the record. Or even just call on the phone (payphone so its anonymous) and say, this is what happened and IF I decided to press charges what would happen? They should explain the steps if they think they can pick him up, what you would go through and whether or not they thought he would go to jail. Then make your decision.
You never told me if you spoke to anyone about it or if you have anyone that you can talk to now? You need someone that can listen to you and you can open up with. Have you tried releasing through writing. A very popular releasing exercise is writing your thoughts on a piece of paper each night and when done, just throw it away, or shred it as if you are emptying out your troubles each day and releasing them from your body. So it’s not a journal, nothing you’ll reflect back on, just getting everything out and releasing it. I’ve had a lot of people say if they do it in the evening they sleep better. When you sleep better everything improves from your health to your emotions. But it is very important you talk about it too. What about a school counselor? Lynn
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My parents sent me to a counselor, but I don’t think it’s doing much good. I haven’t even breeched that subject. It’s usually about school, and my parents and getting some self control, because I seriously lack that. I don’t…talk to people easily. I don’t want to feel like a charity case, and some people have it so much worse off. I’m just worried I am making a bigger deal out of this then I should. I’ve tried writing, but I usually get frustrated with myself and stop. I don’t come to any conclusions, and that’s what I want most. I want answers, I want the facts of what went down that night. When I asked him about it, right before I broke it off, he said he didn’t remember any of it because he was too “stoned” to know what happened. I for one, think that’s bull. If he was that out of it, I would have known. I don’t do drugs or drink or anything like that, so I was completely aware of what was happening. I was just scared and I wanted to please him, I didn’t like him being angry with me. I don’t trust people, even my friends, I’m falling away from, becoming sadly distant. They get frustrated, but I don’t blame them.
I’m a mess. And I don’t know if I would be able to handle talking to the police, I don’t even know where to begin and what would be relevant and what not. A good part of me doesn’t want to ruin his life, even though he threw mine to the dogs, so to speak. But a smaller part of me does, I want him to know that he did hurt me, and that it’s affecting me even now.
When will I actually be over this, I thought a year was long enough, but it doesn’t feel like any time has passed. It feels like it just happened yesterday, or that it was just some sick and twisted nightmare my mind imagined. I can’t view it as an actual ordeal. It’s more of a movie, I can’t put life to it, and on the rare occasions that I do, well, I shut down.
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H.
You have one answer and that is that it was rape. And you need to beleive you didn’t do anything to deserve it. What you need to try your best to do now, is stop worrying about what you can’t change. You need to focus on the future because it doesn’t matter what answer you find in the past, it doesn’t change anything. I did that too, for about a year until I realized that not only did he control me and the situation then but now I have let him continue to control my life for a whole year. I stopped with the coulda, shoulda, woulda and started focusing on what I did have control over – which was my future. This is when I went from victim to survivor. Will you still be emotional? Yes. Again, it doesn’t change over night. It is all the baby steps that add up when one day we realized we got through the day and it was OK. Then there is another one and another one. There unfortunately is no time frame for being completely recovered but the quicker you put the things you can’t change behind you, the more energy you have for your future recovery. Let me congratulate you on not turning to drugs and alcohol as it is very easy for that to happen. That proves your inner strength to me. You are strong even though it doesn’t feel like it. I think you should maybe try the writing again since it doesn’t sound like you have anyone to talk to. You can always come here, always. But give writing a shot again for me. You don’t have to have the answers, just write what bothered you that day or consumed your thoughts. Then when you’re done tear it to pieces and just let it go. Don’t think about what you wrote any more. Let it go. You could just write questions you have, tear it up and let it go. It may seem silly at first but after a week or two of getting and letting all your feelings out takes the burden off of you. Gives you more room on the inside to focus on things that will help you. You need to be around someone or something that makes you laugh. Can be anything from a funny friend, a movie or a book, maybe even a pet. Do your parents know? I’m assuming they don’t. Have you checked out to see if you have a local Crisis Center in your area? If not you can call 1-800-656-HOPE and they can tell you where the closest one to you is. Even if you don’t use it now keep that number handy for the future. In the meantime, I’m always here. Stay Strong! Lynn
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Actually, my parents do know. But they…went about it the wrong way. Sat me down and forced me to tell them, then got mad when I didn’t. It was stupid. I just, ugh. I hate this. I really do.
You know what you’re doing is really great, helping people and all that jazz.
Maybe there is hope for humanity after all.
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H.
I’m sorry your parents didn’t support you the way you needed. I understand that as well. I hope you at least have one person you feel comfortable “just being” with. Someone you can be completely open and honest with if/when you want to talk. You know you can come here anytime but it is so important for you to have someone that you can reach out to 24/7 if needed. Try the writing and try to stick with it even when it seems a little strange.
H, just because you can’t see “hope”, know that it is always there! Try to focus on something positive, anything just something positive everyday. You’ve spent too much time on the negative (i know there is a lot) but give the positive a chance. You might have to look hard but you can always find something. The more you focus on the positive, the more that will come into your life. I promise you. I’ll give you something positive right now. You found this site to give you info and try to help! Stay strong! Lynn
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Hi Lynn,
Almost a year ago to the day now i was abducted off the streets on a saturday night and raped by two men. i have recieved councelling for it and am feeling ok about the whole situation at the moment but i feel that i am TOO ok and that maybe i have just blocked alot of it out, although i am a very strong person and think i have dealt with it pretty well considering i have tried my best not to talk to friends and family about it as i still feel at least 25% responsible for what happened (i was drunk and walked home alone). I take complete resposibility for what happened and although people always tell me that i SHOULD have the right to walk home alone i still no that in this day and age it is not possible to do so. My family and friends were absolutley distraught when it happened and i kept a very brave face and still do as i am quite guilt ridden by the fact that this rape was partly my fault. Ive only cried a couple of times about it over the last year and although as i said before i am a strong person and have been through alot previous to the attack i still doubt whether i doubt with it properly. is there any way that i can tell the difference between whether ive dealt with it or whether ive blocked it out? The trial is still pending and i have a very strong case against the two men (DNA etc) but am still very scared about the trial. Also, due to the fact that i was quite drunk and was obviously in shock i have blank spaces of that night and sometimes find myself wondering whether i literally asked for it or whether i was inviting etc, even though i know thats silly i just cant help but think i asked for it in someone literally. If you could offer me any advice at all id be so grateful. Sorry about all the questions 🙂
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M. Everyone heals differently, based on their strength and the support they receive from others such as friends, counseling, etc. A good rule of thumb to go by is when a victim no longer feels like a victim but a survivor with no guilt and can openly talk about it with someone without feeling shame. When you accept that you absolutely did nothing to “ask for it” and can hold your head up high knowing that, you are on the right road to recovery. Being strong doesn’t mean you are recovered. Dealing with your feelings and getting them all out is something you must do in order to heal. You have to release them otherwise the longer you wait the bigger they get and will most likely come out at the wrong time and place. You need someone that you can talk to about anything that won’t judge you. All that said it doesn’t happen overnight. It has to be on your own terms, when you are ready and with someone you trust. I have a feeling you are pushing your feelings deeper because you are scared of what you might find or have to deal with. But if you can honestly believe that you did nothing wrong it is a lot easier. Ask yourself this, Do you think every girl walking home drunk even if they flirted with the guy, asking t be raped?” Of course not they were taken advantage of while they were in a very vulnerable state. Be pissed at them, throw the guilt at them and stand up for yourself. Because you are strong you can hold your head high and not be ashamed. But even when you do that for other people you need to be able to have your time when you can release also. Not sure if you read this already but one of my favorite ways to release (especially if no one is around that you can or want to open up to) is to write at the end of the day about anything. Some days maybe nothing but others might surprise you. Then let it go. You can tear it up or not but just get all your feelings out on paper and let it go. It may seem stupid at first but it really helps if you can stick with it. Just a suggestion. GOOD FOR YOU that you are going to trial. It isn’t easy but you are doing the right thing. Just remember before you go that you must believe no matter what anyone tries to say YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. Even if defense atty tries to make it sound like you did contribute, drinking and flirting doesn’t equal rape otherwise it would be happening to every single girl out there AND even if you were sexually interested (not saying you were but they might) pulling you and raping you in an alley by two men is not what you hand in mind I”M SURE! That doesn’t even happen to prostitutes! HELLO! Stay strong and I hope that helps. Keep me informed if you like! Lynn
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well it’s not the kind of news that is worth discussing. i wonder why are you all here so excited?
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i am involved in a group…..that me and my friends started……….please if you couls help us….
its for sexual abuse surivors
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S. This site is to offer help and guidance, so hopefully you’ve found something that helps without discussion. Others may have questions or concerns and appreciate the anonymous help and know that it is always here. Sometimes excitement does eventually come when you feel you have control back over your life and thoughts. I wish you the best and I hope you found something worthy in your recovery on this site. Lynn
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O. Sure I will help in any way I can, just let me know what you have in mind. Looking forward to it! Lynn
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hi i’m looking for some kind of help or advice and hope that you can help. in 2005 when i was 16 i was seeing a boy that was a year older than me.. i had just come out of previous relationship an ended up straight into this one, for this reason after 2 or 3 weeks i ended the relationship knowing that i needed space for myself an asked to go back to just being friends with the boy. we had slept with each other once at this point. that weekend i was out with friends and think i was spiked because i couldn’t stand up or see straight and hadn’t had much to drink.. he offered to walk me home and as i trusted him let him. he started kissing me in a dark alley and i told him again it best we stay friends and go no further as i wasn’t ready for another relationship… he just kept kissing me telling me i didn’t know what i wanted and that i wanted him really. i said no repeatedly and he pushed me to the floor and forced himself upon me, i repeatedly said no untill i gave up and just felt numb. i was so scared afterwards that i carried on walking with him then he ran off. because i didn’t run away straight away and because i had been seeing him before many of my friends dont believe it was rape and are still friends with him.. i have distanced myself from these friends but still have similar friendship groups. i didn’t go to the police at the time which i regret so much but was scraed because no one belived me, sowhy would the police, i know that was wrong now but didnt at the time.. i was very angry at first and fought with him a lot. i tried to throw bottles at him etc. i then distanced myself from that group of friends and found my current partner about 7 months on. we have been together for two and a half years now an have a one year old daughter. my rapist moved away and i thought i had dealt with it untill recently. i had post natal depression after having my daughter and became very suicidal and i spoke briefly about my rape with a counciler but i dismissed it. i got over the depression just before christmas but then about 2 months ago my rapist moved back into the area and i feel as tho i am re living the whole experience. i feel on the brink of depression and i do not like to leave the house. i will not walk into my local town because i am scared of seeing him and have stopped going out with my friends for similar reasons. even hearing his name sends me into a state of stress. my partner is trying his best to understand and we have made the dessicion to move away within the next year and a half but i am worried about how i will cope untill then. i have very bad mood swings and an overwhelming feeling of anger towards him… i keep hating myself for letting him still hurt me and get angry that i am still hurting and he has never had to pay for what he did, but again i blame myself for this because i did not go to the police. i feel like he has forced me out of town and away from my friends, but then think why dont my friends support me. my mother doesn’t want to know about it and my dad just gets upset by it all so the only person i have to support me is my partner and i feel as tho i am putting him through so much stress that he doesn’t need. i just dont know what to do to get past it all and forget it like i did before it all just seems so fresh in my mind again.. i’m also suffering with insomnia because of the thoughts i have at night. sorry it’s such a long meaase but it’s such a hard subject to just sweep over. please help
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R. I can so relate to your overwhelming emotions. It doesn’t feel good or fair when you have to change your entire life because of someone else’s selfish deplorable act. I think if you and your partner agree a move is OK then that is the best, at least until you have your feelings under control. Do you have access to an Employee Assistance Program (EAP) counselor through work? It is typically free or minimal copay and it is 100% completely confidential under hipaa law, therefore no one is reported to at your workplace or anywhere else. It would be ideal if you could get some type of counseling, individual or group just someone you could really relate to. Sometimes all we need is someone to really wants to hear whats bothering us and let us know we have valid feelings and aren’t crazy. Just to believe us and try to empathize. As you and I both know family & friends don’t react how we would like to think. It is awesome that your partner supports you and you are very lucky for that but your partner is not “the” person that you will really open up the way you need to open up. It could be a friend but better a professional or even a survivor group. Don’t knock it before you try it. In fact if and when you move you should check the area where you want to go to see resources available to you. A lot are free and they truly help. The RAINN hotline 1-800-656-hope is national and can help you with your area. The best advice I can give you that you can start working on immediately is to let go of your guilt. You DID NOTHING to deserve any of this. I understand why you didn’t go to the police. Neither did I and yes I regret it but when this happens not only are you humiliated to even tell someone else but your body and mind is in shock and overload. You are trying to figure out if it is real or a dream and then when you do confide what happened, you end up being questioned and given the third degree by people you thought would not question you but support you. Then you really think this isn’t happening because everything & everyone you knew is turned upside down. And you not the assaulter has to deal with it. It totally sucks and yes we do but you know what it is going to make us stronger and we are not gonna let this person ruin us. You need to think of yourself as a survivor that is gonna take back control of her life by letting go of him. You need to worry about what you can do to make a better life for you and your family and let him go back and live in the gutter he crawled out of. Unfortunately, unless you have evidence that you can take to the court OR if he gets reported by someone else (you can report yours then) the chances of convicting him now are low. So we need to focus on what you can do. Get someone you can really open up and talk too because it sounds to me that you repressed more of your feelings than you dealt with. And that is very common because it seems to be easier not to deal with it when really it only makes it harder, the longer you wait. You can work on moving because I truly feel as long as this person is near you that it is a trigger to set you back in your recovery. You don’t need to live in fear and resentment. It is difficult to be around family and friends that don’t believe you. But just distance yourself temporarily not permanently. As you adjust you will go through various feelings. Know that life is never really the same as we knew it before but just because it is different doesn’t mean it can’t be better! And let your partner know how much you care and appreciate the support. You don’t have to tell them that by speaking with someone else you are taking the burden off them because partners like to feel they can take it on and might feel inferior to your support person, fyi. Also, try the writing at the end of the day do it for at least 2 weeks, every night just unload whatever you were feeling throughout the day before you go to bed. Keep it or tear it up and throw it away, it doesn’t matter just get your head empty. Even if it seems stupid, try it for 2 weeks and see if you start sleeping better. Also a warm bath at night always helps. Just remember although these aren’t “normal” feelings what you are going through are common feelings of rape and you will get through this, take it one step at a time and 10 deep breaths. This to shall pass. Good Luck and I’m always here. Stay strong! Lynn
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thanx, that has helped a bit… still angry about not being able to go to the police and regret not going, the anger is still overwhelming but i have booked myself in with my doctor to discuss some kind of help especially with just overcoming the postnatal depression i feel i could get suicidal quite easily… i’m taking the steps to get help but still worried that talking about it again is going to be very hard however my partner has said he’ll be there every step of the way. thank you again
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R. I’m so glad I could help. You are doing the right thing to inquire about post natal depression but hopefully you will discuss and open up about the rape also. It sounds like you are referring to a family practice or gyn and they won’t be able to give the counseling you need. Not sure if you are looking for medication but just remember medication only helps temporarily, not permanently. I understand medication might be necessary for the postnatal depression, just also try and address the deeper issues. But again one day at a time. So happy you have a wonderful partner for support, that is truly a gift. Stay strong and good luck! Lynn
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I just don’t know where to start. I’ve been raped many times. By different people, at different times in my life starting when I was a kid. Some were people I knew and trusted, some were strangers. I’m in my mid 20’s now. I’ve tried counseling, I’ve tried talking to friends and family. but I’m not the type of person that can share my thoughts and feelings. And some of the reactions I got just made me more hesitant to talk to anyone. When I was younger, I was in a relationship with a guy who used drugs. He use to ‘lend me out’ to his friends. I was too scared to leave him, so I started drinking and using drugs to get through the day. It became a habit. I’ve tried to quit, but not only do the drugs and alcohol make it easier to not remember but it keeps me more mellow. I’m usually very stressed and sometimes I would have these angry…episodes I guess you could call them. I’m just not good with dealing with emotions. Mine or other peoples. I keep myself distant from other people. I get uncomfortable being around crowds of people or if someone is in my space. I’ve tried to date, but I can’t even handle being touched. I just want to be normal. I was surprised to read what other people wrote. It was so close to stuff I’ve thought or felt. I guess I’m just looking for some hope. Hope that life can be better.
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A. I can understand why you don’t want to be touched! I can also understand the drugs and alcohol. I know as a survivor sometimes we need something to ease the pain and awkwardness right now. However I think we both agree is just a temporary fix which ultimately just makes us feel worse in the permanent big picture. It sounds like you are away from this guy now, which is great. Are you working? I have a couple of suggestions. First, it would be ideal if you had just one person you could turn to 24/7. Even if you don’t right now that is OK. Whether in your life now or scouting someone for the future be choosy as to whom you would like it to be and you can trust. But it only needs to be 1 person, not a group of friends or family. Pick someone that you enjoy being around and doing things with even if it is just being quiet and watching a movie together. You do not need to confide in this person until you are ready or if you ever even want to. What this person represents for you is a type of normalcy and safety. Once you feel like you can breath again you won’t want the band-aids of alcohol and drugs so much and will maybe want to talk about it or not. You have such deep buried hurt and resentment that it is going to take a lot of work on your part BUT you can do it in baby steps as you are ready. Now what if that person isn’t in your life right now? Well then you need to keep your eye out for that person, keeping in the back of your mind what you are trying to accomplish. In fact if you met someone new they won’t know anything until or if you ever tell them. I am encouraging you to pick someone you feel you will be able to be 100% open and honest with, but not until you are ready. This person will have to earn your trust first, obviously. My other idea is to write down your thoughts every night (you might have read this exercise already) no matter what they are, about your day, work, your past, anything. When you are done you can keep it or trash it but just get all the thoughts out of your head. This may seem crazy but it really works for people that can’t open up to other people. It is also an anxiety release that eventually helps you sleep better. I’m not gonna sugarcoat it though, you definitely need to work up to some type of counseling in order to have a successful sexual relationship again. Not because of you, but because of all the situations that people you trusted put you in. Your sense of security must be completely shot. But you can only go when you are ready. Not sure if you are in the US or not but 1-800-656-hope can tell you where to find counseling in your area and a lot of it is free. One thing people don’t realize too is you can change counselors if you don’t feel comfortable, don’t just give up! You can’t give up on yourself because then they win. Until you have that one person, just concentrate on yourself and take one day at a time. Go somewhere that makes you feel good even if for a 1/2 hour. Watch a funny movie, take a warm bath get caught up in a good book. Take 10 deep breaths and start doing little thing to take back control of your life. It doesn’t have to be anything big or all at once. Start writing at the end of the day. That is step one, who knows what you will learn from that. If you have nothing to write, write one thing you would like to accomplish the next day! That gives you something to look forward to. If it doesn’t always happen that’s OK too but at least you thought about the change and maybe it will happen the next day! There’s some hope, right? You can do it, I have faith in you and I’m always here! Stay strong! Lynn
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Thank you. This is the first time I’ve been able to talk to someone and not regret it. I had just about given up hope. This helped more than I thought it would. Baby steps, right?
A
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Hi Lynn!
Five years ago, I was a senior in high school and became involved with a guy I’ll call D. D had a very bad home life: absent father, certifiably crazy mother, and angry brother. He was a very emotional and lost guy who fell for me rather quickly and I took on the Florence Nightingale role of trying to solve all his problems. He was so sure that I was the one for him, but I didn’t feel the same. D become my first sexual partner and I hoped, after sex, maybe I would realize that I had the same feelings for him as D had for me. After a while of having vaginal intercourse, I told D that I really wanted to stop, but we could continue other physical intimacies. One day, as D and I were messing around, he kept begging me to have full-out intercourse. I kept saying no until he held me down and forced himself into me. I cried and tried to push him off, but he was strong and held on. When he “realized what he was doing,” he stopped (15 or so min. later) and cried. (He cried a lot in our relationship if he wanted out of something.) I proceeded to hug him and ensure him that it was okay, that he didn’t hurt me. After that, we didn’t date much longer and never engaged in any type of physical intimacy again. We went to the same college and I saw him from time to time, but I didn’t feel the same emotions that other girls who have posted on this site have felt when seeing their attackers. When I see D, it doesn’t even seem like he was that guy. I don’t know if I have disassociated D from that guy because it makes things easier or what.
In all of this, I feel like it was definitely my fault. If we hadn’t been naked and already engaging in other acts, it wouldn’t have happened. I haven’t talked to him ever about that. Part of me is scared that he would say he doesn’t remember or that I am making it up. Sometimes it feels like I am making it up or lying, though I have no reason to do so.
I don’t call it rape, because I let it get too far and my experience doesn’t even compare to what you or other girls went through. My parents don’t know, even though my mom and I are very close. I have told my fiance and he is very supportive and the most wonderful man I have ever met. Sometimes, though, we will be goofing off and tickling each other or just wrestling around. When he holds me down, even just to keep me from tickling his feet, I panic! I have never told him (I always say “let me up!” in a playful manner and he always does), but it always reminds me of that day.
I don’t even know why I am posting here. I just need to know what happened to me. (My fiance is the person who first called it rape.) I almost don’t even feel like it was bad enough to be rape. So many others have had it so much worse. This is the first time in my life that I have really tried to come to terms with whatever happened to me, instead of sweeping it under the rug. Lynn, what happened to me? What do I do now? If I was raped, why do I feel like it is my fault and, in my mind, I don’t equate the D I see now with the D that did that to me?
Seeking Answers
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Seeking answers,
Let me start by saying the reason you look at D different now is because you blame yourself. That is why it has been a turmoil deep inside. You think the turmoil is because of your actions, but it isn’t! It is your intuition eating at you all this time because it WAS rape, it was HIS FAULT and you have nothing to blame yourself for!!! Now there are all types of rape, including rape when it wasn’t pre-meditated. Thats what I think happened to you and that is what happens to victims across the world that don’t want to admit it because they feel they did something to encourage it, therefore “asking for it”. I understand because I thought the same thing and I see it with the majority of the victims I counsel. Rape can be pre-meditated or can happen when a situation gets out of control and they NEED to be in control. Everyone involved experiences mixed emotions and typically no one is happy about it. They just want to move forward and forget it, but sometimes (as in your situation and many others) it never just goes away. Something, someone, somewhere is a trigger and until those triggers are dealt with they just grow deeper and deeper. Even when someone forgets, it is typically temporary not permanent. The good thing is it sounds like he tried to do the same thing, he is not proud and hopefully not a threat. Obviously any threat you get a restraining order on him. What you should do now is look for some private counseling. In this case I would not recommend group in the beginning because you feel like you don’t belong and have more remorse for other victims. You need to concentrate on dealing with what happened to you, being validated, feeling secure (which it sound like you have under control) and moving forward. Deal with the past and leave it behind you, if you don’t it will always be with you. I think you are strong, just put the blame where it belongs to release the burden from you. There are many resources for private counseling and some for free. You can start with 1-800-656-hope. Trust me it feels better to face your demons and leave them behind and I think you are half way there. Kudos to your boyfriend for being so supportive. Stay strong. Lynn
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Wow, where to start. Well, I’m 16 years old and almost 17 now. Well, when I was 11 years old my mom would go to her friend’s house sometimes. She would take me and my younger brother, since we were pretty good friends with her kids. While they would talk we would play hide and seek and just games like that. Anyhow her older son would always look for me and he would begin touching me and kissing me. At first I didn’t know what to do and later he would begin to tell me not to tell anyone or I would get in big trouble. He would corner me and tell me to perform oral sex. As I got older, like 13, I became ashamed and didn’t want to tell my parents. I feel like I could have done something to prevent this from happening. Till this day I haven’t told my parents because I’m ashamed and I’m afraid of what they will think. Now that I’m older, I’ve gotten more depressed and I can’t stand this sadness. I don’t know what to do anymore? Is there anything I can do to make this go away or help myself?
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Hope, The only thing you can do is try to deal with the ugliness of it all and then try to put it behind you. It still bothers you because you are walking around with unnecessary shame. Now by dealing I don’t necessarily mean go to your parents (right away anyway). You need someone that isn’t going to judge you and that you feel you can open up completely and honestly with. How is your relationship with the your school counselor. You can always call 1-800-656-hope to find counselors that specialize in rape and some anonymous help as well in your area (if you are in the US). What happened to you was sexual abuse/molestation but you didn’t realize it at the time nor should you have known as you were a child. But if you don’t get help this is could really affect your grown up personal life. I tell everyone I counsel, we all have to deal with it at some point because it never just goes away. Because each circumstance is different we all have to do it at our own pace. But the questions is would you rather deal with it now and get on the road to recovery quicker? Or deal with it later and keep it locked up inside until you are ready to explode, which delays recovery even more. I don’t know the relationship you have with your parents but I think you might feel more comfortable talking with someone first, discuss your relationship with your parents and maybe they can offer some ideas on telling them. If you give me more info I would be glad to help you with that as well. BUT before you can tell them you need to believe deep down it wasn’t your fault and you were young and naive (as you should be at that age). You need to know deep in your soul that you were being taken advantage of, by a boy that knew exactly what he was doing. Once you recognize that you will be on the road to recovery and you wont worry about what other people think. You will be able to focus on your future and your recovery. Remember DON’T worry about what other people think and what you can not change. Focus on recovery and how you want your life to be now. Start by dealing with what happened to you and talking to some sort of counselor. Thanks for trusting me. Stay Strong and keep me posted. Lynn
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Hi…
Umm.. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I knew the person through my ex-boyf and didn’t like him.
I drank too much and ended up being at his house, fell asleep and he was on top of me. I can’t remember too much… but i’ve been getting flashbacks. I remember telling him to stop, to get off me and crying. I managed to get away but what i’m dealing with at the moment is feelings that i’m alone… like i know some people care but like I feel as though they don’t and my feelings are a burden to them. I feel like they don’t believe me and that hurts more than the issue itself. I manage to cover it up so well at home infront of my parents and when i’m at uni and it seems like i’m fine but i’m not fine. I’ve been told I should go to the police but that can’t do anything and I don’t think it’ll make anything any better. I don’t think i remember enough. People kept saying well you knew what he was like, why did you drink so much and I already blame myself.. don’t they know that i’ve questioned those things a million times… i mean all week i wore jeans and the day of it i wore a skirt! why?! it was so much easier then for him. I just don’t know who to turn to anymore. I don’t want to tell my family and I know people will say I should but i don’t want to and I CANT. I just don’t know anymore… i know i have so many friends but I don’t know which one I can trust. My Ex-boyf basically blames me for allowing it to happen. I wanted him to believe and support me and he didnt! why would anyone be like that? I just don’t know how I’m meant to deal with this. I will be fine one minute then I get a flashback or something an i feel shaky and sick. I just needed to write that out and somehow i feel better for ranting and blurting it out… i have so much due at university that i feel i don’t have time to deal with this and maybe thats a good thing. I just want people to believe me as I feel that they don’t even though they say they do. Is that normal to doubt peoples reactions and feelings?
thanks for reading if you did…
xxx
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another thing… on reading back on my other comment I just wanted you to know… i never thought that this guy was capable of this. I was naive and stupid. I thought it was okay to drink with him and never considered that he would take advantage. doesn’t take much to get me drunk… and so i don’t want to appear as tho getting drunk was my intention… it just happened… he told me another girl who i knew was going to be at his house and i was relieved thinking she could fix up my headache by giving me a panadol or something… she wasn’t there. what confuses me is that i was talking to the guy previously about how much i wasn’t into him… and he seemed to accept it … perhaps i challenged him telling him that? see i just cant stop blaming myself i mean i shouldn’t have gon there alon, i shud hav never spoke to him, i shudnt hav gon bak to his house but i wasn’t thinking!! i don’t know… i’m just blurting things. i’ll shut up 😦
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Confused,
Let me start by saying I believe you and you are not alone. As you can see by reading some of the other posts. I have heard so many stories like yours and what you need to understand is it doesn’t matter if you wore a skirt, it doesn’t matter if you went to his house and it doesn’t matter that you accidentally got drunk, NONE of those things is an excuse for rape. It doesn’t matter if you think you are naive (you ARE NOT stupid) there is NO EXCUSE for rape. What this guy did was take advantage of you. Your gut instincts were right about him and for some reason he proved you right, but you are not to blame for that or ANYTHING else! You MUST get this into your head and until you believe it you will not feel better and unfortunately until you believe it a lot of time other people won’t either. At the same time whether or not anyone else believes you doesn’t matter. You are like myself and many others when we realize other people either don’t believe, or just don’t want to talk about it b/c it makes them uncomfortable we become more concerned with “how can they be this way” and worrying about them instead f taking care of ourselves. You must take care of yourself first, try and get your head in the right place and then (if you still want to) take on them such as family and/or friends. I wasted a long time before I figured that out on my own. Once I was able to take care of myself then I was able to deal (or not) with others. Do you have a school counselor you can turn to? If you are in the US you can call 1-800-656-hope to find counselors specific on rape in your area. You need to be able to talk with someone who will not judge you and believe in you to validate what happened. You could still go to the police and they can make a report but without any evidence it would be hard to convict him. BUT some women find just by reporting him and putting that label on them does somehow make them feel better so hopefully it doesn’t happen to anyone else. Have you ever considered that he put something in your drink? I don’t know if this is the case but if he gave you something for a headache did you take a good look at it? Nonetheless your first step is to realize that you did nothing to deserve this. Sitting there going over coulda, shoulda, woulda with yourself or anyone else doesn’t help anything! Concentrate on the things you can change and stop beating yourself up. Only you can help yourself, so the first step is to stop blaming yourself and put your efforts into trying to get better. I can tell you that until you deal with it instead of pushing it away it won’t get better. You need to find one person (just one) that you can call 24/7 and that you can open up to about anything without judgement. This could be a friend or a professional counselor. If you had that one person, just knowing they are there is such a comfort. But be very choosy when picking a friend, someone you can trust with anything. If you don’t have anyone you can trust then you must turn to a counselor either at school or through the hotline or your insurance. B/c I can tell you desperately need someone on your side. And I know it doesn’t seem like there are but if you look in the right places there are a lot of us. I’m so very sorry that you were put through this but it will eventually make you stronger and you can and will overcome this. A counselor at school (who must keep it confidential) might be a place to start especially if you think it might affect your school work. And I’m also sorry that no one in your life reacted the way you wanted… I also went through that with my family and friends and it really is jarring to a person and shakes your belief system. When that happened to me I thought I could handle it and 2 months later when I felt the most alone in my life I decided to get counseling. By that time I was desperate and just started calling people in the phone book. Of course no one could take me for a month. Then I really felt like no one cared, I made i last call & told the lady if the counselor couldn’t see me today I didn’t know what I was going to do if I had to hang up. She held the phone came back and saw me that day, and then for a year. She was the only one I felt I could turn to and she got me on the right track to where I am now. I didn’t even have insurance but she worked with me. She helped me get my head right and then deal with my family and friends. I don’t know what I would have done if she didn’t see me that day, so I know. I don’t want to you to reach that point. By the way, I didn’t report mine either b/c I felt somehow someway I had made it easy and I was humiliated. Now I know that I was just taken advantage of and did nothing wrong. When you believe that, you can deal with everything else. Please I urge you to reach out to someone in your area. If you need to release more here, that is why I’m here, feel free. You can get through this, it will be hard but you can. Stay strong, Lynn
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I just wanted to leave a thank you.All your information here is really helping me.Just 2 days ago I was raped.It is hard to say that because its still so fresh.The police have gotten my statement and had arrested the man but today I was feeling scared and alone.Like he was in my head just from the memories.All my thoughts today were it was my fault.Just like you were saying the ifs and ans.After reading what you had to say it was like this boulder just fell off my shoulders.Thank you again because just 15 mins ago I feeling very depressed and alone and now you have made me feel strong again.You have given me my strength back.THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Dear Thankful,
Thanks for taking the time to let me know I could help! It really means a lot to me that I could help give you some strength!!!! That is exactly why I have this site – to give help, hope and strength towards living a happy life again, which we ALL deserve. Stay strong and I’m always here. Lynn
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I just found this site today when I was searching Google. I am 26 years old and have been through 2 separate sexual assaults in my life. The first was when I was 11 years old. I was sexually molested by a man in his mid 30’s. I don’t even know if it was considered molestation. He slipped his hand inside of my panties and put his finger part of the way inside of me. It took me a while but I eventually said something to someone about what happened. We ended up in court and the judge dismissed the case saying he didn’t believe that kind of thing happens to children. After going through counseling for that I thought I was doing pretty good. Then when I was 17 I was raped by a neighbor whom I was dog sitting for. I didn’t tell anyone anything about it. I remembered what happened when I was 11 and didn’t trust anyone. All I told my parents was that I didn’t want to dog sit for the guy anymore. They kept pressuring me and pushing me to do it until I finally gave in. I just couldn’t tell them. This guy raped me a total of 2 different times; both vaginally and anally. I didn’t report this to anyone until I was 20 years old. (not to mention the guy made a video of him raping me one time and said he wanted to be able to watch it over and over again). I finally went to the cops about it. When everything was said and done they didn’t even prosecute him. The commonwealth’s attorney asked me if I was making it all up just to get back at men for what happened to me when I was younger. Then she had the nerve to ask me if I was claiming rape and it really wasn’t. She suggested that me and this guy were in a relationship and sleeping together and he ended it and when he did I got mad and wanted revenge. What a load of crap. I’m once again in therapy and just starting to deal with all of this. My therapist brought up the word rape last week at my appointment and I freaked out. I have since started having flashbacks again and nightmares. I’m also the single mom to a 4 year old little boy so dealing with all of this, having the flashbacks, nightmares and very little if any sleep has made it worse. How do you go about convincing yourself that it’s not your fault? I mean I’ve beat myself up for years blaming it all on me. What if I hadn’t gone back to that house after my parents kept pressuring and pushing me to? What if I had reported it sooner? The cops made me feel like I was the criminal when in fact the real criminal was out walking the streets. I also wonder if he’s done this before me or done it to someone else after me? What’s wrong with our system? They let the creeps walk free and allow them to hurt more innocent people.
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will i was raped a month and a half ago i have tired to deal with it but i kinda need help. I was completly drunk and didnt know what was going on and i was attacked. i get to see him every day at school and its horrible. i am falling apart and i am trying so hard to pick up my peacies and i cant. My body wont allow me to eat and i cant stop crying.
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K.
I’m so so so sorry the system let you down! It really just pisses me off to know end. You had the guts to take your story to the police and they want to say you had a relationship with this guy, I’m sick. My advice to you is ask yourself “what did I do to ask for this to happen to me”. The only correct answer to that question is NOTHING! You didn’t do anything to ask for it ever. Just because you listened to your parents doesn’t mean you asked to be sexually assaulted. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT, now just get it. Really, stop beating yourself up, you were a kid and stop coulda, shoulda, woulda and admit to yourself you did nothing that deserved sexually assault. You can do it, and once you believe it it will get better. Which leads me into the good news.. you are in therapy and even though it is difficult right now because of the nightmares and flashbacks, it will get better. You MUST stick to it. See if the therapy has brought this on it means you are dealing with your surpressed feelings and bringing them to the surface. You must face your demons and get through it before they go away. So stick with it and I promise you it will get better. There isn’t a time frame and typically the longer you wait to get therapy dictates how long your recovery process can take. So slow and steady and only worry about the things you can change not the things you can’t. You did the best you could if for no one else but yourself – and that’s who is the most important you. I commend you for going to therapy. If you need to between visits, write down your thoughts, questions, dreams so you can talk about it. I’m always here. Stay strong, Lynn
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S.
The first thing I would suggest is going to a school counselor. Is there someone you could trust there? They can help you maybe move classes or ask about tutoring. Don’t worry that you got drunk, they know what kids do. What they need to know is this kid is doing this which means he will probably do it again. Have you told your parents or authorities? It doesn’t sound like it but at least try and talk with a school counselor so if your grades are affected they understand and will work with you. Also, if you break down in a class they will understand (hopefully) and let you excuse yourself. You really need to seek professional help if possible. You can get anonymous help at http://www.rainn.org or 1-800-656-hope and they can tell you what is available in your area, some are free. It is just you will go through so many different emotions that you need to be able to talk to someone that understands so you can try and deal with them now instead of later. Start with one person you can trust (parent/friend/counselor) and then decide your next step. It is all so overwhelming that sometimes we have to just take a step back, take 10 deep breaths (really) and look at what we can do right now and take baby steps. Good Luck, Lynn
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Well where do i start? I was raped by my cousin for years on n off from the ages of 7 till 15. I didn’t understand what was going on at first and thought it was quite normal, that it happend in all familys. It hurt so much i cryed with the pain and every time he told me not to say anythin and start to call me names. As i got older and wiser realised it wasn’t normal and what he was doing was wrong then the threats started, telling me noone would believe me and he’d hurt me more if i told. Eventually i grew older and i’d make sure i didnt see him as much but the threats were still there if i passes him he’d tell me how if i were ever alone he’d be there n i’d be his little girl again. Well that was 10 years ago and let me tell you it’s been the hardest 10 years of my life!!!!!! I completley gave up, i dont work i’m on anti depressents and i lock myself away as i have panic attacks. Well one day after seeing my doctor i decided to go the police station i havent made a statement yet but ill be doing that today as they arrested him yesterday, after everything he’d done to me i hoped he’d admit to it all give me my dignity back. But in the true coward he is denyed it all and now i have to relive it again. Im very scared but i know to get my life back i have to do it. Time to stop living in the past eh!
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L.
Just remember that you are doing this for you, as a part of your recovery, not because you expect anything from him or anyone else. You can’t control what he does or says and you need to know that going in. Make your statement knowing this is something you need to do to get it out and not hold it in anymore to be able to move on with your life. Therefore if you have to re-live it again, it’s OK because it is something you need to do. Whether he admits it, whether they prosecute or not, you did this for you, to help in your recovery. You are not going to be ashamed of what happened to you anymore. It was not your fault! You need to do this to take back control of your life and control of your future. After you make your statement, I want you to stand up tall, take ten deep breaths and know that no matter what happens you don’t have to hide anymore and that this is now the first day of the rest of your life. Don’t dwell on the past that can not be changed and focus or how you want your future to be and take baby steps to achieve your goal. You are taking a HUGE step today, no matter what the outcome, this is a huge step in the right direction. Stay strong, good luck and let me know how it goes. Lynn
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hi im 21 years old i was raped im my own home at the age of 16 heres a little bit of the story my parints were gone to work that morning b4 i woke up to go to school my bedroom window was open and the guy that raped me lived right accross the street from where i lived and came in threw my window and raped me and took my verginity somthing i was planning to loose with the man i married but it didnt work that way one bit anyways
i stayed closed up away from my parints friends i was even to scared to go to school for 2 weeks after 2 weeks my mother came home from work and asked me how was school when i finially told her the truth and told her i didnt go and that it has been 2 weeks that i havnt gone and she asked me why and then i told her right away we called the police and i was scared because he threated me if i told someone about it he would kill me so for 2 weeks streaght i kept my mouth shut the cops came and i told them my story and sure enough they asked stupid questions that i was too affread to notice i also went to the hospital 2 months after the rape and found out i was pregneat with the rapest with i only had one dission to make i couldnt keep that baby i would of thought that kid is going to go to school thinking my father is a basturd and my mother is a whore so i got an aborshon i tryed to get all kinds of help to get over this and try my best to stop blaming myself and try to forget and still today i live with the momery of that morning i cant even go threw a day with a smile on my face on day i have a beautiful little girl today that always sees her mommy sad i have a boyfriend that knows what happend that cant play with me cause everytime he trys too and he grabs my rist just to play with me i start to plannique and i go close myself up in the bathroom for like 2 hours streat and not wanting to come out please if u came help me come back to my old me b4 the rape help because i am tierd of living the life im living now im really crying for help im tierd of blaming myself because i left my window open and because i wasnt strong enough to push him off of me and i couldnt do anything about it i mean in my head i tell myself its not my fault but its like my hart dosnt feel that what should i do be have a smile on my face in my head right now if it wouldnt be for my little girl to keep me going in my life i think i would of found a better soloution and thats to dissapiere on the map if u know what i mean but im being strong on that
so if u can give me any ideas to help i would really appresiate this
thanks
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V.
Your first step is to let go of your guilt. Until you do that it will continue to haunt you. Think about it….. Does every person who left their window open deserved to be raped???? Seriously, if this happened to someone you knew would you think it was their fault because they left their windon open? Would you think it was their fault becuase they didn’t fight hard enough?? No you wouldn’t so let it go. You did nothing wrong. Take the blame off yourself and put it back on the asshole guy that deserves it. You were a victim, you did nothing wrong. Once you truly believe that deep down then you can start becoming a survivor. How do you do that? Well, once you can release the burden of guilt, then you start to release the past that can not be changed. Realize you can’t change what happened so stop worrying about it. Nothing you can do or say will change anything. BUT what you can do is take all that negative energy and try and turn it around to focus on what you do have control over, your future. Do you want your daughter to remember her child hood with her mommy always being sad, no you don’t. You all deserve to be happy again and stop letting the asshole dictate your life with your new family. Do whatever you can to take back control and not let him dictate another day, he has already taken 5 years from you don’t give him the satisfaction of those horrible thoughts dictating your life another day. If you can get counseling, that is the best. But other ways are to try and do something everyday you look forward to. Concentrate only on today, don’t worry about next week. Just plan something fun like reading to your daughter or taking her to the playground. Something that all three of you enjoy doing together. Rent a funny movie. All these things hopefully can take your mind off things even if for a little while. If you don’t want to go to counseling (sometimes it is free from a local crisis center) then you can write your feelings down. At the end of every day write down how you are feeling, good or bad, just get it out as a release, then you can throw it away or keep it. Also, if you get a good book you like, everytime you start to feel anxious, take ten deep breaths (seriously) and get your book and start to read it to get your mind of the negative (like when you close yourself in the bathroom). Whatever you do make sure you tell your boyfriend that you want it to work and you appreciate him staying by you, because it takes a special person and you are lucky to have him. Good luck and I hope this helps. Stay strong, Lynn
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thanks lynn i will try all that out what should i do because i feel guilty about the aborshon with the baby that the guy raped me i mean i never beleaved i could do such a thing im complitly agenst that but at the time i felt i didnt have any choice but i know one good thing we moved from our house to another place far far far from him cause my parints saw i couldnt live in that house anymore we didnt clean anything after the rape i couldnt even go back into the bedroom because i can remeber walking back into the bedroom when i left the house to get some stuff i wanted to keep and there was still blood on my bed and on the walls but sure enough the memory stays on my mind my bf tells me to read books on rape do u think its a good idea and counceling i already went threw that with a phycatris and all they could do is give me pills witch didnt help one bit
i never told my bf about the aborshon should i tell him
anyways thanks alot for your help
v
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V, I think reading on how to cope with rape is a great step. As far as telling him about the abortion, it is totally up to you BUT before you do, sit back and think about what you are trying to accomplish by telling him. If you do tell him do not expect how he will react or be upset. You should only tell him if you are doing it for you and trying to accomplish something for you. I think the main thing that he must know is about the rape itself and I’m assuming you have, that is the most important (not necessarily all the details just what you feel comfortable with). You shouldn’t feel guilty about the abortion, it is your right as a women, otherwise it wouldn’t be legal. And I have to tell you my opinion is most would have done the same thing in your shoes, especially at the age it happened. Once again if this happened to a friend of yours would you think she should feel guilty? Absolutely not! I truly believe that God forgave you especially since you did not ask for this! So now you need to let go of the guilt – I don’t know if telling your boyfriend will help that situation or not. I’m glad you are not taking the pills – you know what that tells me – YOU ARE STRONG! You may not feel like it but the fact that you are not trying to smother your feelings with pills is great. Don’t get me wrong they work for some people BUT they never get rid of the issue, only mask the issue until they become strong enough to deal with it. You are already there so you are on the road to recovery whether you realize it or not. Also if you have time take a relaxing bath or try yoga (it helps the mind and the soul so much), trust me. Hang in there and feel free to check in with me. Stay strong, Lynn
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