#1) Believe deep down it is not your fault, no matter what the actions were leading up to the rape, you need to know and accept there is nothing that justifies rape and you didn’t do anything to deserve it! Everyone I talk to feels guilty or ashamed in one form or another, but what you don’t understand is the person that is deserving of the guilt and shame is the person that chose to do the rape, NOT YOU! The rape was not about anything you did, it is about the attacker needing control and they are responsible for their actions NOT YOU!!!
#2) You need to try and do your best to deal with your feelings as they arise. I’ve learned that in order to feel like a survivor you face them head on. You have two options, deal with them head on or run from them. The problem is when you run, your demons become your shadow and you can never outrun your shadow, so it is best to try and deal with your emotions head on instead of trying to outrun something you can’t.
#3) The one thing I learned the hard way was that none of my loved ones reacted they way I thought they would, so I immediately was more concerned with their thoughts and actions than my own healing process. I see this almost every time when counseling a survivor. The first thing I hear is, “What is my family (often spouse/partner) going to think?” or “how are they going to react?” My typical response is, “I know you are worried about their reactions BUT aren’t you more worried about your well being for you and your family?” Before you expend your energy on controlling someone else’s feelings (when ultimately you can’t) you should take that energy to heal yourself. Because you truly need to believe that you did nothing to lead up to the rape and know in your heart it wasn’t your fault. When YOU realize it doesn’t matter what you were wearing, where you were at or what you were doing, then it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks! The bottom line is you have to take care of yourself first before you can take care of anyone else!
#4) Surround yourself with the people who support you and distance yourself (at least temporarily) from those who don’t.
#5) Find the positive in something everyday and focus on it no matter how small or stupid it is. A lot of days you will have to dig deep to find it, even if it is splurging on a dessert or watching your favorite TV show, but you must find something positive everyday to keep you going. This will also help train your brain that you can block out the negative.
#6) Remember that you can’t change the past so stop focusing on it with – shoulda, coulda, woulda – because it doesn’t matter since the past can’t be changed. If you are focusing on something you wished you would have done differently or beating yourself up with something you did, then you do not believe it wasn’t your fault, step #1. YOU MUST BELIEVE THAT IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT and until you do you have a long struggle in your recovery. Remember NOTHING JUSTIFIES RAPE!
#7) Focus on what you DO have control of and that is your future. The day I stopped letting my assaulter control my life is the day I realized I could be dead. At that moment (about 9 months later) even though I knew my assaulter took something from me, I realized he did not take my life and I wasn’t about to give him another day of MY life! He doesn’t deserve it, not one more minute! I felt this huge relief that I sat down and cried for hours. From that day on I stopped worrying about my past and what anyone else thought and focused on appreciating the life I had left. Now I’m not saying I skipped off into the sunset, but that was the day I stopped feeling sorry for myself (those emotions are allowed – for a while) and picked myself up and took a step forward instead of backwards.
#8) DO NOT turn to drugs and alcohol to mask the pain, once again you MUST FEEL IN ORDER TO HEAL. Alcohol and/or drugs are only a temporary fix and does absolutely nothing to solve the problem other than to push it deeper. You must deal with it and the more you feel and release, the more room you have to heal.
#9) DON’T rely on anyone else to heal you. You will heal as much as you put the work into it. Hopefully you will have support, but you need to know while it is OK to accept help from others, only you can heal yourself. Healing yourself through some type of professional counseling, whether group, individual or anonymously. A lot of cities offer free counseling or support groups through their local crisis centers. There are your some church groups or if you health insurance (make sure mental health is covered under your plan) use that. Some employers have EAP (employee assistance programs) that are completely anonymous even to your employer and usually offer a couple free visits. Go to rainn.org to find the closest counselor to you. There are so many resources, just make the commitment to start helping yourself and you’ll find a way!
#10) While the above suggestions are more long term, I would like to make some suggestions for baby steps that can help “right now”. My most successful suggestion is to right down your feelings at the end of the day (good or bad) whatever they are just as a release. This is good for survivors or immediate family members trying to cope as well. It is up to you whether or not you keep it, it is just a way for you to get your honest and true emotions out and not keep them deep inside you, which only fester. Warms baths are great before bed along with a good book to take me away, if even for 30 minutes. I always try to keep a book in purse, dvd at home or cd in car that I love and makes me feel good that I can immediately turn to to brighten my mood. And if you don’t have a pet, get one! Pets are amazing and offer true unconditional love BUT make sure you have the time to love and nurture your pet and you will get nothing less back!
#11) Think about taking a self defense class. After being raped your sense of security is shot and an excellent way to start to get it back is taking a self defense class. It is very empowering and a good confidence builder.
#12) Try yoga (if you don’t alreaady), it is truly amazing how it makes you feel calm and can just release the stress and anxiety. Never tried it until after my rape and I still have the same at home beginner dvds I’ve used for years, but I love them and I truly feel empowered, strong and relaxed when I’m done. They say you can heal your body through your breathing and I believe it. Tell me you don’t feel a little better after you take a few big deep breaths. Well, when you are doing yoga, not only is your body trying to align and release your stress you are holding in your body, but you are really breathing the whole time and getting oxygen to your entire body, which is not only a calming affect but helps the tightness in your muscles to release. So trust me just try it a few times, you don’t have to do it perfect (which is why I do it at my house) but I always feel better afterwards, never fails..
Dealing with Rape 
Super confused,
Your story is black and white…. This is rape too. You were forced to do a sexual act that you did not want to and made it very clear by telling him as well as fighting him off. This is rape and don’t deny it. First, stay far far away from him. The worst thing you can do is act like everything is OK, not saying you are but if you do then you are giving him the power to think it is OK. Get a restraining order if possible, whether or not you tell the police the details you can tell them he physically hurt you. If you still have any evidence save it or take pictures for the officers, especially if you don’t want to tell them the details. You can just say he attacked you if he has marks on him or you have marks on you. Whatever you do stay away from him. Get some pepperspray which you can get for like 10 or 15 dollars. I think they have it at target. You can go to rainn.org or call 1-800-656-hope and they can tell you counselors in your area and some might be free or even possibly give you a crisis center’s # in your area to call which is free. Please don’t take this lightly b/c this guy had no regard for you whatsoever only his idiotic self and you are too good for that. He is a prick and if you continue to see or talk to him I guarantee he will hurt you again so get far away. Is there someone close to you that you can confide in that won’t judge you and listen as well as try and protect you, like a family member or a good friend? Because if you have someone that you can rely on just as you go through these confusing times it will help. I know that rainn.org can help you so check it out. I’m so sorry you had to go through this and remember just b/c you agreed to have sex doesn’t mean someone is allowed to do what they want with your body, especially if it is NOT what you want! You were right to come here for advice and I hope that I have helped. A great big hug is going out to you! Lynn
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I was raped when I was 13 and locked it deep down inside of me and told no one because I had been going through a sexually promiscuous phase, that alot of 13 year olds go through. So, I was afraid that If i told ANYONE that they’d tell me that I deserved it for acting the way I did. I’ve only recently been able to talk about it cause my attacker died back in august. I still stayed friends with him. Up untill the middle of my senior year when he really messed things up for me. But, I still didn’t tell anything about the rape to anyone. How can I cope with this? He’s coming to me in my dreams asking for forgiveness. Is this like a manifestation of me feeling guilty or is his ghost really coming to me in my dreams? If so, my religion prohibits talking to ghosts. Bad things happen to jews who talk to ghosts SAUL DIED RIGHT AFTER!!!!!!. Ugh! Please help!
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I was raped in may by a collegue. At first i was a complete mess and didn’t feel that i was worth anything. I had an abortion after finding out i was pregnant with HIS baby. After that i just blocked out everything in order to cope and turned to self harm as a release. However my freind found out and with HER help i managed to stop. Ive been doing pretty much ok till this week. Next wednesday ( 15th oct) I have to go to court and face him. I am in bits and i am scared shit by having to see him again. all i keep thing is that its my fault for going out that night. I mean i lost everything that night, it hurts everyday. At the moment i cant even talk to my freinds. If i open up to them and tell them what i really feel instead of “fine” then ill just be a burden to them. They’ve stood by me, I just wish it hadnt if happened ….
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D.
The best thing for you to do is find a counselor to talk to in your area. You need to let out all those feelings and yes it could be a manifestation b/c you have no release of your feelings or emotions. That is why I always tell people the longer you keep it locked up the more it will effect you later and in ways you couldn’t imagine. In every area of your life! So immediately start writing out your thoughts, whatever you want, your dreams, or what happened or how you feel after his death. Anything is OK to write and you will never be judged, it is an excellent release. You can tear it up or shred it when you are done but try and write every day and then get rid of it. Do this while you are trying to find a counselor to turn to. You can contact rainn.org and if you are in the US they can tell you someone near to you that specializes in rape and a lot of the counseling is free. You have to deal with this sooner than later b/c trust me when I tell you it will continue to affect your life until you deal with it and get it under control. Don’t you want control of your life instead of it controlling you? Stay strong and write, write write… This will help you sleep better too! Lynn
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fallen angel,
First I am so proud of you that you are taking him to court. You need to look at this as standing up for yourself and other victims out there that didn’t. It is completely understandable that you are scared and nervous, as we all would be. But you need to stand up tall and be proud of yourself AND remember this does NOT DEFINE you, it defines him. No one will be looking at you, everyone will be looking at what a despicable person he is. This defines him as a rapist and that is it. You will be looked at as a strong individual for not letting him get away with this and that is how I want you to feel on the inside. Another thing I would like to change in your thinking process. You said you feel like you deserved this b/c you went out, does that mean every person that goes out deserves to be raped? NO! Does it mean every girl that wears something sexy out deserves to be raped? NO! We as women are attuned to our feminine side and should be allowed to flaunt it, that doesn’t mean we are asking to be raped. You must get this in your head. Because they might ask what you are wearing or drinking or doing and it DOES NOT MATTER, nothing excuses rape and that is where your head needs to be when you go to court. If they try and make you feel like you did something wrong, “like trusting your colleague” or drinking or doing something inappropriate, you ask them if that means every other person who is doing the same thing deserves to be raped. It does not, nothing is an excuse for rape. I would also get some counseling. You can go to rainn.org and find someone in your area, and a lot of the services are free and all are confidential. You need this so you control it instead of it controlling you. I’m very proud of you and try to stay strong as best you can and get some counseling, especially before you start court if you can. I would love to hear how it comes out. I’ll be thinking of you on the 15th! Lynn
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After reading most of these responses, I feel a little better knowing that I am not alone. After I was raped this July, I chose to simply not deal with it. I blocked it out, which was pretty easy because I only remember a few seconds of it; he had bought me shots all night at the bar so I was blacked out. The next morning when I woke up I felt my entire world had shifted, the reason unknown at the time. I felt as heavy as an elephant, but as small as a flea. There was blood on the mattress because I was on my period. I didn’t think much of it and tried to find my clothes so I could leave before he woke up. I couldn’t find any of my clothes since the room we were in was filled with tons of boxes filled with random shit. He awoke from the noise I was making and knew exactly which box my clothes were in. Huh, imagine that. We walked back to the other side of town at 8 AM and I was still drunk so I was nervously chattering. I didn’t want to say I didn’t remember any of the night before because I was too embarrassed for drinking so much, so I never asked and pretended like it was consensual. He didn’t say much to me and kept this blank guilty look on his face. I have never seen anyone act the way he did on that walk back, it was so odd. I feel so stupid for not piecing everything together until two months after- the blood, the hidden clothes, the most peculiar vibes from him. The day I found out I have HPV was when more memories from that night started coming back. Memories of trying to stop him, memories that feel like a dream. There is a huge price to be paid for putting off dealing with horrible experiences. After I found out about my HPV and started remembering some of the memories I blocked out, I’ve cried a couple times every day since. I feel like I’ve broken through rock bottom into hell. He took so much from me that night and also gave me a most unfortunate infection. Being raped by him and then having my genitals thoroughly corrupted with acid numerous times to burn off warts has left me feeling so without everything; the color from my world fades more everyday. I feel degraded and disgusting, and it’s a constant reminder since I have to see a gynecologist for my health issues almost every three weeks. I don’t wish for good things anymore for anyone in the world. This is not the kind of person I am but I can’t remember what I used to be like. I miss my old life but I know that I can never return to it. I feel rather empty and am wondering what the point of life is anymore. Bad things happen more than good things do and people you love die. Then you yourself die and will probably be forgotten. I feel like my life has been taken away from me. I go to a counselor at R.V.A.P. (Rape Victim Advocacy Program), and talk to my mom about it, both which are very supportive. But I know I have a very long journey ahead of me. Some days I don’t even know if I can do this. I have to try to be physically and mentally healthy in order for my immune system to clear HPV, or the infection will keep coming back, like it is right now. I fear that no one will want anything to do with an infected victim with so many bricks. Who will love me now? I’m starting to feel less pity for myself and am just starting to understand the fact that I may always be alone. It’s hard to trust anyone anymore, let alone talk to people, especially guys. I’ve never been so scared, sad, and angry, but at the same time so damn apathetic about everything. Maybe I’m trying to feel apathetic so I don’t get myself upset all the time and hurt my chances of clearing the virus. So far it’s not working. But my apathy also allows me to look objectively at him and the situation, which in turn kind of fucks me up even more when I return to feeling horrible. My emotions are all over the place and it’s so stressful, frustrating, and confusing. I never know what I will be feeling next. I am suffocating.. I have to come up for air but I seem to have forgotten how to swim.
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im 18 and i dont know how to tell anybody what happened or how i feel. iv started scratching myself with a razor blade but on my hips and chest so people cant see it and they really sting and i make myself sick, not to be thin just because i dont like it and it hurts, i want to stop but i cant talk to anybody incase they dont believe me and my mum is really overprotective and has a lot on herself.
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K.
Sorry for the delay in my response as I’ve been entertaining quests fro out of town. I totally understand you are mentally and emotionally drained which leads to being physically drained. I agree w/you that you will never be the same BUT your life can be just as good if not better. It’s about the hard work we put into helping ourselves. There will come times we feel strong and feel like we are taking a good step forward and they’ll be times when we can’t even get out of bed. We just have to really dig deep for more strong times and take baby steps. No body is expected to heal overnight. When people tell me their fine or I’m great after a month or two, the only thing they are fine or great with is not talking about it. So just know the more you let out the more room you have to heal. We don’t take giant steps we take baby steps until they start adding up. Once we can get through today then we will concentrate on tomorrow. I disagree that you might have a long journey ahead of you because typically the quicker you get professional help and are able to talk about it with people you trust the quicker your recovery starts. It typically takes a lot longer to heal when you have buried deep inside for a long time, b/c that is when is affects all areas of your life without you even knowing or understanding it. So b/c this happened this past July proves to me that albeit you are in a very dark place right now (understandably) you have the strength to help yourself, b/c whether or not you realize it now, you want desperately to heal you just don’t believe it is possible, am I right? Well, it is but no one can heal you but yourself, and some good professional guidance. But the first step to recovery is to believe it wasn’t your fault. Then you need to stop worrying and making yourself sick over things that can not be changed. That is a tough one but the minute you get to that point will be a HUGH relief lifted off your shoulders and mind. It is only then when you can see light at the end of the tunnel, you know why? Because that is when you stop trying to explain or change things that you can’t and you realize that you want control of your future. You are not going to let this asshole dictate your life. It is your life and you will control it from here on out because you DO HAVE CONTROL of your future. It would be a tragic waste to let what he did to you in the past also dictate your future. I know you will have this HPV issue and not to normalize it or lesson the severity of what happened, there are a lot of people living and are happy, and are married or in a relationship. You will not be the only person in the world that will never be loved b/c of that. I’m sure just one of your good qualities outweighs that, so imagine how much all your good qualities together would be? Like I said I know you are in a dark place but you will see the light when you get 100% completely over it and realize you have to take all the energy and put it on the things you need to do for your recovery. I can tell you are strong and I know you want it, so just take one step at a time. Write out how your day went at night before bed as a stress reliever and so you know what triggers good and bad thoughts, so you know what helps and what to stay away from. Get a pet, seriously! Stay in counseling and try group therapy, it works. Stay strong! Lynn
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Scared,
You can tell me what happened? Why do you think no one will believe you, did you know him? Cutting yourself, the same as drinking or drugs is only a temporary band-aid and typically adds to the problem in the long run. I don’t have to tell you that cutting isn’t the answer. If you are hurting that bad on the inside that you need to hurt that bad on the outside, just talk about it. If you have no one to talk to you have several options. I would ask you to please go to rainn.org or call 1-800-656-hope, where it is anonymous. They can tell you professionals in your area and a lot are free. Another option is to write it out in a notebook. You can tear it up or keep it just get the feelings out. What you need is someone to talk to that will not judge you and that will listen and believe you, so if you have that person, you need to go to them. If you don’t you should start writing everytime you think of cutting yourself and try and get someone professional through rainn.org in your area. If you have a good relationship with your Mom and really want to tell her you should. Don’t worry about her problems b/c as a mother I would be devastated if my child felt she couldn’t come to me. That would just kill me, seriously. So carry this book around with you where ever you go so if you feel like cutting you just start writing. And make sure you are safe b/c if it is someone you know you should get a restraining order on this person or at the very least get some pepper spray. And if it is someone your mothers knows you MUST tell her. I hope I’ve helped. Stay strong! Lynn
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I was raped by a boyfriend about 5 years ago while I was in high school. I had alot of trouble coping at first. I gained alot of weight and i still suffer from low self-esteem today. I am engaged and my fiancee is wonderful, and has helped me alot with moving forward and having a happy sex life. But lately, he’s shown interest in anal sex, and I am not comfortable with it at all. I have begun having flashbacks again and trouble sleeping. I don’t know what to do, I feel like I can’t talk about it with him, that it would completly ruin what has been these days, our already not so great sex life… help!
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T.
First you both need to know that a marriage is much much more than a good sex life. Now I’m not saying a good sex life isn’t important b/c it is for both of you. That being said if he loves you and knows about your situation then you have to tell him just like you told me. Seriously, you can tell him exactly like you just told me. If he loves you he will completely understand and most likely tell you that he didn’t realize that it was giving you flashbacks and he will be more sensitive to your feelings now that he knows. If he doesn’t then I can tell you 2 things 1) it is his problem not yours and he is acting out of selfishness 2) he is not the man for you in the long haul. I hate to be so blunt but as survivors we NEED to be with someone that is sensitive to our circumstance, so we can go forward not backwards. It is also not something you can make them do, they either want to or not. If they start giving excuses or trying to talk you into it or even worse making you feel like you aren’t giving them what they need then it is as simple as “see ya”! It may not be easy to do but it is definitely the right thing to do. But I hope he does love you unconditionally and wouldn’t let something like that ruin your sex life or your relationship. It is truly a test b/c if he isn’t sensitive to your situation now he won’t be later and that is not what you need. But the way you told me is exactly the way you should be able to tell him. Don’t be scared b/c he can’t read your mind and if he does truly love you it won’t be an issue once you explain how it is making you feel. If it is an issue, talk about what you need and see how he responds. Hopefully you will be able to work it out. But know that if you can’t resolve this before marriage, it most likely won’t get better in the future. If he does respond positively then you know you got the man for you. I hope this helps and honestly I’d rather you find out before you are married, don’t you? Stay strong! Lynn
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i dont know who it was and i hope i never find out, i never ever want to know. i cant even say the word so how do i tell people, it makes me feel like im in the wrong. i know cutting isnt going to help, i dont understand why i do, i cant stand blood or anything like that. Iv kept what happened a secret for months and my sister is always in lots of trouble and so i feel if i tell someone they might just think im making it up for attention. im also scared ill be made to report it and i really dont want to do that.
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Scared,
If you tell the right person, a counselor in your area that you can find off rainn.org they aren’t going to think you are making it up. And the other thing to let you know is if you don’t know or have a mental picture of who raped you and no evidence (such as clothing when it happened or if you have taken a shower) then it really isn’t going to help you to report, unless of course you feel it is necessary in your recovery, but it doesn’t sound like it is. So don’t tell your family and look for someone who can help. You know you want it and you know you need it or you wouldn’t be here. So take that step to help yourself and don’t feel ashamed or guilty because the only person who should feel like that is the person that committed the crime not you! You did not ask for this so don’t be embarrassed about it as you did not choose this. Your attacker chose to do this NOT YOU! Remember try and write out your feelings when you want to cut, it is a better release for your physically and emotionally. You can save what you write and talk about it to a counselor or you can just trash it, but please try it, for me and for your future health! Stay strong, I know you can do it. Lynn
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i will start and write about how i feel and see if that helps. do you think a counselor would let me write to them, i dont think i would be able to sit with somebody and speak about it, i dont like to say it or hear it, and my friends say it all the time and it makes me so angry that they dont see how it affects people. but i cant tell them and i dont want to be angry all the time especially towards them because they havnt done anything wrong.
and i guess just really need to know if it gets easier, im tired of being angry all the time and crying and pushing people away. i just want to feel normal like i did before.
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I am 20 year old. 5 year ago when I was 15 I was Gang Raped by 5 men. I was at a friends Halloween party and as all teenagers do in the absence of parents, we got drunk. I don’t handle alcohol well so around about 12 I went and crashed out in my friend’s room. I woke to 5 strange men surrounding my bed with one forcing my panties into my mouth (I don’t even remember if I got undressed or they undressed me). I tried to scream but nobody heard me. Nobody came. Each guy took it in turns to do what they wanted with whatever hole they wanted. Most of them had more than one go and none wore protection. I tried to fight and to scream but I was weak from the alcohol and they just kept hitting me so in the end I gave up fighting. After 4 hours I blacked out and then I came to, they were still going now 2 or three getting their pleasure at the same time. I tried again to fight but it didn’t help and although I was screaming (panties had vanished) nobody came to help me. I felt so alone. I blacked out again and when I came to they were gone, it was morning and I had endured 7 hours of the most demeaning act I could imagine. I couldn’t function in the beginning and I got admitted to a psych ward but I didn’t tell them. I have only told 2 people in my life and one (my partner) doesn’t know how to handle it. Normally I can ignore it/force it away by looking around and listing stuff to keep my mind in the present but not the past but the Halloween period is so difficult for me. I have started having flashbacks and nightmares. I don’t sleep more than an hour and the stress and tiredness is getting to me. I don’t feel I can tell anybody else and my partner doesn’t know how to support me.
What should I do?
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Losing it,
The first thing is to not get mad or upset at your partner for not knowing how to support you, just have patience. The second is you need to get professional help. I know it is hard but as you can see pushing it deep down has not helped, therefore you must let it out. Something you can do immediately is write it out. I don’t mean the experience, I mean what you are feeling right now, good or bad just get it out of you and on paper. Then you can release your bad feelings or uneasiness. You don’t have to keep it, you can trash it when you are done and let it go. You have to take control of your healing process and that is getting it out, not keeping it locked up inside of you. When people keeped it locked up they hope they can tuck it away and never have to deal with it. What happens then is it grows like a cancer inside of you and before you know it, it starts affecting you in all types of your life from sleep, to work to relationships. And if you don’t know how to handle it then you can’t expect anyone else to. That said, I don’t mean you should know how to handle it b/c we as individuals were never taught to handle such horrific things. So the question is how badly to you want to put this behind you and move on with your life. I know that sounds stupid b/c of course we all do, BUT we are the ones that have to put the effort into doing so and we will only be as good as the effort we put into it. It is hard to be happy again and put it behind us BUT IT IS OBTAINABLE! You have to work hard and go through emotions that we didn’t want to deal with but when you do no matter how hard it is, it is so worth it, trust me. Try and find a counselor or therapist in your area. Look up rape counseling in your city on google or yahoo. And just a heads up there were many times when I was in counseling that I thought this isn’t helping or what am I doing here, but I stuck with it b/c I knew I couldn’t do it on my own. And whether or not I thought it was relevant I wouldn’t be here today without all the counseling I had. Once you are able to begin the right steps to deal with your rape, then you can also let your partner know what you need. Your partner probably wishes they could make things better for you and feels incapable of doing so, so take the pressure off by letting your partner know that all you need from them right now is to listen when you are ready to talk, to be there when you need a hug and to understand when you need time alone. Then once you start taking care of yourself and your partner is respecting you in the above ways, things will start to get better. But I NEED you to take care of yourself first, b/c only you can and then deal with your other relationships. So take that first step to help yourself by going to a rape counselor. The sooner you do it the sooner you will be able to put this behind you and move forward, happily! Stay strong! Lynn
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Thanks Lynn,
I am taking a big step today, i am going to see a councillor. Work has a program where you can go and see a councillor for free who can refer you to a good psychiatrist if need be.
i wrote down what happened to me cause i can’t bear to say it out loud again. im going to hand it to her.
i will let you know how it is going after i see her (thats if i trust her enough to tell her)
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Losing it,
I’m soooo very glad to hear you are taking the right step. But when you go to the EAP counselor you need to request a counselor, therapist, psychiatrist that has a good reputation with dealing with rape. That is why I suggested looking up a rape counselor in your area through google. It is very possible you will be sent to a man through EAP and I want you to be with a woman and someone that has experience with rape counseling. PLEASE let me know how it goes and DON’T GIVE UP! Stay strong! Lynn
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I was raped three years ago in a bathroom at my school(in 7th grade). I didn’t tell anyone when it happened and I just told a friend of mine(who didn’t know me then) about it and she told my parents. I’m not upset with her at all, I’m kinda glad she told. But now all the sudden I feel a need to talk about it when for so long I’ve tried to shove those feelings to my knees. I want to talk with my friend about it, but I would feel wierd just walking up and saying “Hey I wanna talk about when I was raped,” so I don’t really know what to say. And plus I’m not very forthcoming with my emotions so I don’t really know how to “talk about it” in the first place, I just feel that that is what I need to do. Please help me sort out my confusion…thanx!
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B
You are at such an important step and it’s a very good step. What you need to know is your friend can listen and support you but she probably won’t be able to help you much if she hasn’t gone through something like similar. Your best bet is to call 1-800 656-hope or if you prefer go to rainn.org and if you are in the US they can tell you anonymously if you choose a counselor/therapist who deals with this in your area. Then you might even feel more apt to opening up also because they are a stranger with no ties to you, more importantly they can’t by law discuss with anyone else. You can always turn to a counselor at school, if you are still in school. But I personally go through rainn.org. If you friend or parents want to help, let them know that what you need from them is to be there with their support when needed and to respect when you need time alone. You are at a point when you need to get this out and that is so powerful. In the meantime before you are able to get to someone or in between seeing someone and you need to get it out, write it out to release it. Thats what you want to do and writing is an excellent way b/c you are totally honest with yourself, not worried about what anyone else thinks. You don’t have to keep it, just get it out. So please go talk to someone, if you ever think you are up for group therapy, it is amazing and you can get a lot out of knowing being surrounded by people who get what you are going through. It makes you feel less crazy and you all draw strength from each other that you didn’t realize you had. Anyway, I highly recommend it, if you ever feel like it. Stay strong and I am proud that you have reached this point! Lynn
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I don’t want to go to a therapist so writing it down sounds good. And if I ever decide to talk with my friend, what should I say? Thanks for all your help and support at a time when I most needed it!
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B.
I don’t understand why you don’t want to talk to someone that can help you, it is your choice, but I would rather talk to someone that understands and could give me advice that would help me deal with this in the future instead of someone that doesn’t know how to help. If you want to talk to your friend, I can’t tell you what to say b/c first of all your friend has told other people without your consent whether it ended up good or bad I personally wouldn’t talk to someone unless I knew they were completely loyal to me. Secondly, I’m telling you from personal experience (and you can read the other posts to confirm this) most individuals that we turn to, don’t know how to handle it and feel overwhelmed b/c they just don’t know how to help (sometimes that is why they turn to someone else to ask how to help you). So if you want your friend to just listen to you but you expect nothing in return, then that is what you say. If you want someone to help you deal then don’t expect your friend to do that and turn to a professional. It is up to you, but your friend can only really listen so let her know that is all you expect. I really hope you change your mind but either way good luck. Stay strong! Lynn
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i Spoke with the EAP councillor, she is actually a rape speciallist (go the luck). She diagnosed me with PTSD (post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and now that i know what it is it seems so much more manageable, its just another medical condition to manage.Thanks to you lynne and this website for giving me the courage to go and share my story 🙂
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No longer losing it,
I’m so proud of you and can almost hear the relief through your words. I’m soooooo very glad I could help, but you deserve the credit for reaching out and taking back control of your life! YEAH!!!!!! Stay strong! Lynn
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I am very very confused. About a year ago I watched this terrible movie “The Hills Have Eyes” which has a horrible rape scene in it. I’d seen movies with that before but it never affected me. Well this time I felt sick to my stomach, and had to leave my friends house. I didn’t understand why I felt this way. It got worse and worse, I couldn’t be in the same hall way as a man without feeling terrified and like I should run away. I talked to my mom about it, and she was confused too so I just tried to let it go. But everyday got worse and harder to deal with. I couldn’t even be around men if I wasn’t related to them, even then I was nervous. About 7 months later, I was fighting with my boyfriend, and to resolve the fight I decided I would just have sex with him. In the middle of everything I suddenly knew why I was so scarde and I started to cry. I remebered being raped by my ex. This was three years later, that I finally remembered beign raped. I’ve tried to convice myself that it was consentual, that it didn’t really happen. I’ve even told myself that I’m just saying it for attention. But it must be real if it hurts this much. When I see or hear about rape I cry uncontrolably. I puke and I can’t think about anything else. I’m still blaming myself for it, I keep thinking “I just layed there. Why didn’t I tell him no, why didn’t I stop him? Why did I just lay there?” If I made any sound or even moved he got mad at me. He made me lay there like I was dead. And I’m so mad that I did. I just still can’t believe that I didn’t do anything. Why didn’t I stop him? I’ve tried to get help but I havn’t found a therapist or councilor I can trust to help me. I’m so confused and I’m still affraid every single day that it will happen to me again. I feel helpless and powerless.
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B.
I can tell you why you didn’t stop him, b/c he was your boyfriend and you trusted him not to ever do anything like that to you! And when it was happening you probably didn’t believe it was. So don’t feel bad about your actions b/c you didn’t do this to yourself. You also tried to block what happened to you b/c you didn’t want to believe it or admit it to yourself or anyone else. This is understandable and happens to a lot of people that know the person that attacked them. But by blocking it there is almost always something that triggers those emotions at a later date and that is what happened to you when you watched the movie. Maybe at the time you couldn’t deal with it and now you can. So instead of looking at this as a negative maybe your mind is telling you that now you are strong enough and you need to deal with it. Try not to feel helpless and instead try and be strong. I know it is hard but once again, this has all come out now for a reason. I’m not sure why you feel you can’t trust a therapist or counselor but you really do need to talk to someone that specializes in rape. If you call 1-800-656-hope or even go to rainn.org they can give you someone in your area that does and I think that is your best bet. In the meantime a few things you can do is write out your emotions as a release. You don’t have to keep it and you don’t have to write about what happened to you, just how you are feeling at the moment. If you have a good friend that you know will respect your feelings, be loyal and that you can turn to 24/7, then confide in them. But let them know that all you need from them is to be there when you turn to them to listen or just a shoulder to cry on or to hang out with if you are anxious. Sometimes if you have a friend that you can turn to 24/7 it just gives you a sense of security and companionship. But I would still seek counseling b/c you obviously have deep rooted feelings that a friend can’t help with and you don’t want to overwhelm a friend either. Realize this has come up for a reason and your body needs to feel whole again, and you can achieve this, but you have to go through the necessary steps to do so. Stay strong! Lynn
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Thank you. I talked to my mom about it a while ago. She was molested as a child. She recomnded talking about, and that after a while it won’t hurt anymore. THank you for the web site and the hotline. I’m going to go to the site as soon as possibe. I want to feel whole again more than anything in the world. I am going to get help, that is the promise I have made to myself. Thank you again.
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I am shocked at how many of these women have the same feelings I have..everyone always says “your not alone” but inside you still feel like no one understands. This is hard for me, as I was raped so long ago, 15 years ago and only told 2 people. There are several situations that trigger flashbacks or cause panic attacks, I was raped on July 4th and it was in the woods and I was attacked by 2 of them. I was a mess for the first year, then I just felt like I was not worth anything to anyone, i couldnt get close to anyone and if I did I would always question their actions. Then I met my sons father I told him but he wasnt very supportive, long story short I got pregnant – he wanted me to have an abortion…i didnt…he left. I swore after that I would never allow myself to get to close to anyone again. From that point on, i was living for my son only, and then I met a wonderful man just about 7 months ago. We talked alot before we started seeing each other and I knew that this man would be in my life forever so I felt he needed to know. He has been the most supportive person i could ask for BUT in the process I think I pushed him away. Just a couple weeks ago he broke up with me. I look back and realize that once he knew about the rape, it seemed to consume our relationship. For so long I had nobody to talk to and 15 years of emotions came out in a short period of time and I feel like I overly depended on him. I never realized how much I depended on him and Im sure it was exhausting. Never had I felt more safe or secure with anyone and his gentleness and sweetness was like no other. Now not only dealing with all these feelings that I buried for so long, I lost the love of my life and realize that if I want to truly be happy I need to deal with this myself and then let someone in. I am starting here, I dont know if I can do therapy yet and I cant tell my parents (dad has a bad heart and truly think it would kill him). Any advice or info would be great….thanks for having this site available.
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Lynn.
i have been talking to the councillor and things are getting worse. More flashbacks, more nightmares and i constantly feel like im alone. i know there are people who love me but it feels like they can never understand what i am going through. Work is putting me under so much pressure and with the lack of sleep and the constant fear i feel like im losing my mind. How can anybody get through this. i feel like im on the verge of tears at all times and i have to pretend like everything is ok at work or i’ll lose my job.
this thing, this horrible thing that happened has control of me. it like a great black shaddow, poisoning my insides and spreading like a weed. i feel worthless, how could i be worth anything if 5 men saw fit to do what they did. I FEEL DIRTY, AND NO AMOUNT OF SHOWERS OR SOAP WILL MAKE IT GO AWAY
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sorry i hit the wrong button.
lynn i dont know what im doing anymore. i feel like im floating through life on a cloud of fear and i cant escape the lightning it just keeps striking.
please help
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T.
You are right you have to try your best and deal with it yourself before you can deal with it with someone else. It was probably overwhelming for both of you in so many ways. Let him have some time and during that time, take care of your self. You obviously need the release so something you can do right now is write out your feelings. You can be honest, you won’t be judged and it is an excellent release. You don’t have to keep them, you can shred them if you prefer. Then if you are in the US contact rainn.org or call their hotline 1-800-656-hope and they can direct you to someone that specializes in your area. You will not be judged and you will be able to get it out with someone that can truly help you get to a better place. But you can’t expect anything from your boyfriend, just focus on yourself and once you are in a better place and he sees that you can determine then if you want to pursue it again or not. He probably felt helpless and wanted to help more but didn’t know how or felt he wasn’t doing the right things. How are you to know either, it is stressful, but you must take care of yourself before you can deal with how this is affecting others. It isn’t easy but it is the right way to do it and we both know you need someone to talk to. Try the writing even if it feels funny or like it isn’t working at first. You don’t have to write about what happened, just what is on your mind right then as a release. It does help, especially if you haven’t started counseling yet. I hope I’ve helped. Stay strong! Lynn
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Losing it,
It is getting worse for a reason. It only makes sense that it would get worse before it gets better, because you are facing your fears not running from them. It will get better, you will have better days. When you want or need to cry you should. I know it is hard at work and you can try your best not to let other people know but if you have to go to the bathroom and let it out, let it out. The best thing for you is to get more quality sleep and it will calm your anxieties. Have you tried yoga, even beginners, get a dvd for at home, it helps WONDERS, especially before bed. Have you tried excedrin or tylenol PM (no more than 2) but they won’t work if taken with alcohol and alcohol only hurts your sleep pattern, it does not help. Try a hot bath, relaxing music anything that you feel brings your anxiety level down and helps you sleep. Maybe tea before bed your can even get the kind that promotes restful sleep. If you have a nightmare keep a book by your bed that you can pick up and start reading to get your mind thinking of something else. Just remember it will get better and you are strong (bit it is ok to be weak now and then). Don’t stop seeing the counselor b/c you are obviously getting somewhere, albeit sometimes it doesn’t feel good and causes flashbacks. But you have to learn how to try and control those flashbacks and triggers when they occur. The first step and the best start is believing in yourself that this does not define you as a person, it was something horrific that happened in the past and was out of your control. There will be good days again I promise, just hang in there, you are doing the right thing. Stay strong and get some good sleep. Lynn
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Thank you so much for the words of encouragement, I am going to try writing things down and see if that helps and then go from there. The past few months have been overwhelming and cant believe I survived so long without getting any help. I cant imagine what it was like for my boyfriend because it is alot to deal with…. The rape was a very violent, as I said there were 2 of them and as 1 was raping me the other was holding my hands down – then they would switch. I did end up pregnant and had an abortion which is another aspect I havent learned to deal with, I feel guilty about that. My roomate at the time was on vacation and I was able to sit in the apartment for 2 weeks alone and hide the bruises, when I saw myself in the mirror it didnt even look like me and I figured it would just all go away and i would be fine. Even though I put the feelings away somewhere for so long. as soon as I told my boyfriend, I felt just like I did the night it happened.
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I am at home and I feel a thousand times more relaxed of course I can never fully leave my fears and pain but being here just gives me a break. I am not sure how I am supposed to feel. I don’t feel like a worthy victim . sometimes I believe myself but a lot of the time my feelings of doubt are so strong . Im often battling with myself feeling like a horrible person thats made up this huge lie to cover up for an infiediately of which I cant really remember. The blanks make me question myself why , how , what happened? why was i undressed how did that happen why did i do it? why can’t I associate any emotions with it and now I am making up feelings, feeling that thats what i wanted because I didn’t feel anything . There are little bits that i remember and think thats not right . I remember saying “what are you doing?” but i don’t really remember what happened next the next memory is him forcing my head down but i didn’t say anything it confuses me did i do it because i was scared ? because I didn’t know what was happening or because thats what drunk me wanted to do. I think i remember trying to stop it then there’s a vague memory say if you don’t I will be sick. I remember him just using my body but i didn’t try to stop him , i was upset I didn’t know what was going on . It confuses me why id let that happen . did my mind think it was a dream , did my brain tell me I was with my partner to help me get through. Did i feel that i had to be strong and not let him think he was ruining me , try and gain some control by believing it was my own choice. Then my brain figured out what was happening and i was appalled confused got up told them to leave he did i dont know whether he left so sharply because he realized i had regained some composure . he said lude comments saying “im small ..” which still baffles me , did i say that? its not something i would say . Was he tormenting me ridiculing me . They knew i was gay i am sure that i said about my girlfriend they still did that . they knew i was gay it wasn’t like i came on to them the only thing that i can come up is that they knew they could do that to me because i was so vunerable and naive and drunk . The police said that they said i invited them to mines . I feel like they have manipulated me made me feel safe in their company if i did invite them it was only to be nice i think i can remeber them saying we dont have anywhere to stay which was rubbish they were part on the navy they’d have somewhere to stay. It irrates me how naive i was, i am usually the synic i don’t like guys . I remember this blurry memory of me saying you can stay at mines you can stay on my floor . so I am gay , i said the floor i gave them no impression of other wise. except for being naively nice is the only reason i can think for them to think i was coming on to them. when i think of it that way it seems so clear they saw and knew they could do that but what confuses me is how it happend and why i couldnt understand what was going on at the time. their little comments make me feel like shit and sometimes make it more clear that they wanted power they stole my control.
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L.
Is it possible that they slipped something into your drink? Because it sounds a lot like you were drugged, which would explain why you went along with certain things and your memory loss. It can definitely happen from alcohol too but because of your lack of control and confusion it also sounds like being drugged. When you did finally become coherent were you still fuzzy for a while (I mean like several hours if not more). Were you nauseated? If you have a hangover you feel bad but your mind isn’t blurry. Now you can be blurry about the night before but I mean blurry still, for several hours or more, if yes then you were most likely drugged. It also sounds like they had a plan, which also makes me believe it could be an intentional drugging. Either way you are right that they wanted control because that is what rape is needing power and control. I’m glad you are feeling relaxed and better at home, that is great that you can feel safe somewhere. Hopefully due to them being in the Navy, that means they are gone now. What I need you to do is stop trying to figure it out, stop going over and over in your mind, b/c nothing is going to change what happened so it is a mute point. You need to only look forward and put the past behind you. The best way to start doing that is know you did nothing wrong. You did not ask for this just b/c you were being nice and going to let them sleep on the floor. You were just being hospitable and asking them to come over does not justify rape. And yes it is possible that you went through the actions b/c you were scared and if you were drugged then that is even more reason. When someone is slipped a date rape drug they basically either loose complete memory or go in and out while still being awake but easily coaxed into doing what the person wants without much (if any) resistance. You are literally under their control. Anyway, we can’t change the past (unfortunately) but we can help ourselves in the future. You are going to go through many emotions and it is best if you have someone that you can turn to 24/7, be 100% honest with, without judgment on there part. If you have this person let them know all you need from them is their support and to be there when you need them. If you don’t have this person or if there is a time this person is not available write out your feelings, no matter what they are just write it out as a release. You don’t have to keep it just get it out of your head. Then when you are ready I would try and seek professional counseling. The bottom line is don’t take this on by yourself and hide your feelings. You must work through them and get them out in order to get and fell better. Remember the best start is to believe deep down you did nothing wrong and this is not your fault. This is something that happened to you but in no way does it define you. If you let it define you then you are letting them keep control and we both don’t want that. As you are going through some of the emotions in the future, come back and revisit some of my pages so you don’t feel so overwhelmed or alone. I’m so sorry this happened to you and I’m sending you a big hug. Stay Strong! Lynn
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people i have told, believed i may have been drugged . but i am not sure i was so drunk and met them as i walked home alone. I am not sure it possibly could have happened when i was out or they could have drugged me i suppose after . I know very little so i often guess allot . I think because of my bad experience with police i told you previously a week or so after it had happened about them. Saying that do i feel like i am just saying it was rape because i feel guilty .That has caused me to doubt allot feel the little things that i do know which are very dodgy as negligible. When even though, they are small things i should hold on to them in a sense to make me feel like i know what happened to a certain degree. I am not sure things did seem quite dis-connected and blurry after i dont remember things that happened after when i became more coherent . i dont really remember feeling nauseated at the time i felt quite sick in the morning but i never slept that night i spent all night and alot of morning at the police . I hardly felt anything i was so numb. I souk counseling at the start and i went for 3 weeks but it was so close to it happening i didn’t want to talk about it anymore , i started feeling intensely guilty and felt really like it never happened and i had accused these innocent men … i was frightened if i started talking id find that out for sure that i had brought it on myself and to some degree i still feel that way . watching my counselors face frightens me to . I am frighten she is guna think i am being a drama queen or lying . i am going to go back my girlfriend really wants me to go back after new year, she feels she cant help/isnt . i just really dont wont to go , i know it will probably help when i am there i just dread it every minute until then. I am also very fearful about anything to do with the police i just want it to go away , but at the same time i need to show them that they cant do that to women but i am wishing for it not to go to court because to know for sure what they look like sound like what they say happened will kill me , to have a whole believe i am a hoe. I made a live journal account to write how i feel and the 1st message was one and it did lift me but the night time is full of so much doubt and darkness . ps i am sorry for rambling so much
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L.
As far as being drugged, only you know you’re body and how it typically reacts when you are drunk and when something seems off or you’ve never experienced something before. You say you felt numb, do you feel that way after a heavy night of drinking? Anyway, you can only concentrate and try to figure it out so much (enough to remember for the police report) or you will drive yourself crazy. You say you need to hold on for a “sense to make me feel like I know a certain degree”. You don’t though, you need to let it go. It is good to write down what you put in your police report for future use. That way you can let it go. You don’t have to keep it on your mind so you can relax. You should stick with counseling, it is never fun when we face our fears but it only gets better after we do and then we can put it behind us and achieve the strength to move forward. Your counselor isn’t going to judge you, only you are judging yourself. However, if you really don’t like your counselor, move, don’t let that detour your healing, stay strong and seek a different one until you find the one you want. From my experience, most people find the right one the first or second time, b/c most realize they are running from themselves not the counselors. I’m glad you have started a journal and I’m glad it has proven to help, keep it up. You can even take it with you to the counselor ands explore different feelings, then when you can explain exactly the type of feelings you were having one dark evening, then she can hopefully give you specific ways to cope. You don’t have to do this alone. That also applies to your girlfriend. If she wants to be there for you, try not to push her away. At the same time let her know there may be times you want to talk but there may be more that you don’t want to. Let her know her main role in supporting you is to give you space when you need it, be there for a shoulder to cry on when you need it and an ear to listen when you feel like talking. Ask her for her patience and understanding and in the meantime you get back in counseling. I know it doesn’t feel like you are doing some of the right things but you are. It will get tough before it gets better (especially in counseling) BUT IT WILL ALL BE WORTH IT! Remember step one, belive deep down this is not your fault, #2) try and let it go. Don’t let it be in every minute of every day, just let it go until time for counseling. Until you learn to do this, when it does consume you, write it out as a release, then choose to either deal with that emotion later or not, it’s up to you. Stay strong! Lynn
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So I finally told my friend about my rape and I never felt this way before but now I’ve been having flashbacks and I feel like I want to cry all the time. She’s been really great and stuff and offered to talk if it will help and I think it would I just don’t know how to tell her I want to. I just want to cry and never stop, so basically I feel like I just need a big hug. She also suggested going to a counsler because she doesn’t think she would be able to give me any decent advice, but I’m not so sure, I would doubt the counsler’s sincerity and be scared out of my mind to attend…
Thanks for any advice you can give me.
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K,
By facing your fears, you are looking at what happened, therefore triggers emotion as well it should. You are facing them to try and deal and get passed it and try and have a type of release. The release doesn’t happen over night and you should “feel” them, b/c that shows you are not keeping it deep down (and nothing good comes from that). It is not easy but b/c you are feeling this way it will get batter. You have a lot of deep emotions and they need to be addressed and released in order for you to start feeling calm again. Your friend is awesome for helping you and you should listen to her by trying to see a counselor. It hurts me (as a counselor) that you feel you can’t turn to one questioning their sincerity. Any good counselor is taught “no judgment” and I don’t know any counselor that would not believe you b/c someone raped you, especially if you are there for yourself (not b/c you are pressing charges)…. I just don’t want you to use that as an excuse b/c you don’t feel ready, which is completely understandable! So please reconsider b/c even though your friend wants to, she is right, she doesn’t know how to help, really all she can do is be there to support you by either listening or shoulder to cry on, but as far as advice, how would she know? And as your friend I’m sure she wants you to get help from someone who does know. If you are in the US you can go to 1-800-656-hope or rainn.org and find someone in your area, trained is rape counseling. If you are out of the US look for Crisis Center numbers and see if they can refer a phone number to you. And I’m sending you a huge hug from me! It is OK and good to want a hug and to cry a lot. When you release, you are cleansing and trust me when I tell you some calm periods are coming, and the more you deal, the more you heal and they will start coming more often, just don’t keep them locked up to fester inside, b/c it always comes out at some point. It doesn’t feel good right now b/c you need some guidance and understanding, so get help and tell your friend that you don’t expect her to heal you, just to be a shoulder of support (that way she doesn’t feel guilty when she doesn’t have the answer). You are doing good and you will get through this, I promise! Stay strong! Lynn
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Thanks a ton, I think I’ll check out a counselor in a while after I get used to all this.
> > > >
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I WAS RAPED BY THE GUY I USED TO TALK TO. THE ONLY GUY I TALKE TO ABOUT MY PROBLEMS. HE SAID I MUST VISIT HERE AND I DID, COUSE I ALWAYS DO I SAW NO PROBLEM. THE NEXT MUNITE HE WAS ON TOP OF ME FORCING ME TO MAKE LOVE. I SAID NO BUT HE KEPT PUSHING PROMISING ME HE WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR ME I TRIED SCREAMING BUT I SEEMS LIKE NOBODY WAS HEARING ME. HE TOOK A CONDOM AND MADE USE OF IT, THAT’S WHERE MY LUCK WAS. I FELT IS MY FOULD CO’Z IM THE ONE WHO VISITED HER AT THE FIRST PLACE. IT WAS REALY PAINFUL AND SCARY. HE FIRST LOOKED THE DOOR WHEN I ASK HIM WHY HE SAID HE DID’NT WANT ANYONE TO KNOW HE IS HOME. NOW I FELL SAD WORRIED AND STREESED NO BODY BELIEVE’S ME NO BODY WANTS TO HEAR MY SIDE.
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M.
I believe you and you need to go to the police. This person has obviously done this before and will do it again, if not to you. Please stay away from this person and try not to loose your trust in finding someone else. You need to find a good counselor/therapist now more than ever, especially because of what happened to you. Try and get a referral from someone who has been there or maybe the police can tell you someone they know is good. Just stay away from this guy. Something else you can do now is write your feelings out, no matter what they are just get them out of your head and on paper as a release. You can tear it up when you’re done if you want just get it out of your head. You can keep it and give it to a counselor later to discuss if you want. By doing this it helps you have an immediate release and you don’t keep it locked up so you can sleep better and even deal with stress better. I’m so sorry this happened to you. Try and stay strong and don’t give up on the right help. Lynn
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Where to start, I wrote to you in June when i found out that my cousin had just been arrested for raping me when i was younger. It took alot of courage for me to come forward and at times i wonder if i have done the right thing by doing so. People think im ok as i put on a good show but inside im falling to peices, I feel that now its in the open i have to be strong for everyone else as i have been the one to cause all this trouble. I know what happend to me when i was younger i have flash backs all the time, But now i see it in my parents faces the hurt they feel for not seeing it and doing something about it, which i understand i really do but i want them to look at me like they did before they knew. As for my cousin he was arrested and charged for three counts of rape and perverting the course of justice. So off to court we go. Not only does he keep denying it he is also telling lies about me trying to make me look like a slag. But i was 8 how could i be a slag at 8!!!???? What makes this man think he can get away with recking my life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He did things to me that NO MAN should ever do, yet he thinks not only can he do the acts but hes above everyone else and get away with it also. Sorry im ranting on abit here i just get so mad! But the plus side after over 15 years i have enough witnesses and evidence to get it to court. I know i have the hardest bit to do and that is court but to know i got it there is enough for now. For the rest ill deal with it when it happens. Ill let you know the out come x x x
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L.
I’m sooooo very proud of you. I know how difficult this must be and for you to attempt this so many years later is SO POWERFUL! You must be overwhelmed with emotions but even though it doesn’t seem like it now, you are feeling and letting all those emotions that have been kept inside out and that is exactly what you need. You need to let them out and let the people you trust know what you have been feeling all this time. Remember, the more you feel the more you will heal, I promise. You said one thing that bothers me, that you have to be strong for anyone else, but you don’t, only yourself. You are trying to put other people before you and YOU need to come first! You need to do and say whatever will help you. Please do not try and help other people first. You are first and then them, OK? Seriously, you are the only one that has been through this and you need to take care of you first. Once you can do that everything else will fall into place. Are you getting counseling? You really should especially as you go through the court process. I can not tell you enough how proud I am of you and I hope you see the strength inside yourself b/c you are right NO ONE deserves to get away with this, especially him so stick to your guns, DO NOT let him get the best of you this time and show him and the world that you can stand up for yourself now and you will. Karma will come back to him 10 folds! You stand tall with your head high b/c everyone knows this shouldn’t happen to anyone let alone an 8 year old. The courts and your parents and friends are on your side. As far as your parents, they need to get through their hurt too just like you. The more this is at trial they will still hurt and see you through hurt eyes. BUT the best way to overcome all of this is to stay strong and let them know this doesn’t define you, it was something that happened. The only person this defines is him. So if you act that way and not ashamed, since you have nothing to be ashamed of soon when this is over your parents and friends will see you and look at you as I do, a strong strong beautiful girl who can stand up for herself and is proud that she did the right thing and stopped this asshole from hurting anyone else. You are a force to be reckoned with and everyone will know it. Thanks for checking back in with me and please let me know how it goes or if you need to rant or talk anymore I’m here. Have a wonderful holiday. Stay strong as I know you will. Lynn
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I was raped at the age of 15 by a man I knew. I was at a house and 2 friends were in the other room. I kept saying no and he kept threatening me. They must have heard him and did nothing. Eventually i gave in. I walked home with one of the girls who was in the other room and she said nothing. I felt like it was nothing and that it was my fault for being in that house. I never told my family or friends. I felt angry and ashamed. Why did they let it happen to me? why did i not fight back? this have been with me all my life and affected all my relationships with family, friends and men. At the age of 35 I read in the paper that the man who raped me had been taken to a city and shot twice dead over drugs. It didnt make me feel better, if anything it made it worse. I am now 49, still destroying relationships around me and getting more and more barriers around me. I want it to stop.
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C. The first thing you need to do is stop punishing yourself. You didn’t do anything wrong and are not to blame for what happened. The next thing you need to do is try to stop figuring out why other people do what they do b/c you don’t have control over them so let it go and put that energy on concentrating on yourself to get better. The next thing is get some counseling, this is very important, and personally I think group therapy would be best for you. You can look at a local crisis center and if they don’t have one they will know where one is. Also you can go to rainn.org and they can tell you trained counselors in your area. You need to confront your past, deal with it in order to move on. You might not find answers you are looking for but you will find answers that will help. Because you have been going through this for so long I have another suggestion. Go to soar99.org and check out the Soar Spa. This I think was made for you. I don’t know if you can afford it or not but if you can I think it would be a life changing event for you. You don’t have to participate in everything but you are the perfect candidate for this. It is only open for 30 people to register and is in April. If you can’t attend this one there will be others in the future to consider so keep checking the website. I would also recommend taking care of yourself first before you get in another relationship. You deserve to be happy, so concentrate on you and when you truly are happy you will be able to have a happy successful relationship. And until that relationship comes along you will happy and enjoying life with or without a relationship. Remember you will only heal by the amount of effort you put into it, so it boils down to you going and getting the help you need and the time you put into it. I also like writing things out, so if you need to talk and don’t have someone right now or haven’t found a counselor yet, when you are feeling overwhelmed by whatever, write it out as a release. You don’t have to keep it just write it out. I have some people even take it to their counselors to discuss at a later time. Lastly, get a dog or cat if you don’t already have one. Not sure if you live alone or not but if you do animals can so enrich your life with their unconditional love. I’m sorry you are still going through this and I hope that I have helped in some way. Good luck and stay strong! Lynn
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i was raped by my brother when i was in 2 grade and it did not stop till 5th grade. i am now in my 20’s. i hide my feelings for years and only told one person. i have been told that a have a wall built around me. which is true. i don’t let people in nor trust anyone. i avoid places that i know will make me feel odd. i feel like i am not able to live a normal life. how can i get past that.
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L.
Because it has been and so traumatic at an early age you need to seek professional help. That has to be something that shook you to your core. I’m so sorry it happened, but I’m not sorry you found this site. I’m gonna be straight with you, you are only going to heal as much as you help yourself. The way to get past it and feel like you can live a normal life is confront it and truly know it wasn’t your fault. You were a victim BUT now a survivor! You need to know that you got through it for a reason (even if you don’t know what that is just yet) and look forward not backward. You can’t change the past and may never understand, but really does it matter since it can’t be changed? What matters is the life you deserve and how you can get to that point, right? If you haven’t tried counseling, do it, it is necessary, even if you feel you can’t. Remember you will only heal as much as you help yourself. If you have tried it, then your next step is group therapy. Trust me, it is unexplainable helpful in the best and worst ways. You come out of group knowing someone understands, has been there and is a scared as you. It is hard but you have to confront it with all your feelings and deal with it in order to get past it. In the meantime of finding a counseling orgroup therapy, write out your feelings when you are overwhelmed. You can take them to therapy to discuss or you can discard, either way it is a release that you probably need. Until you deal with these feelings they will haunt your life (just read some of the other comments) so please seek counseling and if you already have and feel it hasn’t helped then go to rainn.org and find a trained counselor close to you that can help. Stay strong! Lynn
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i thought id let you know that i have been writing down everything i feel like you said, and iv not cut or scratched myself for about 3 weeks now, so thankyou for that.
A few days ago i felt in a much better mood for the first time in a while and i dont know why but i just read everything id writen down. I noticed that im really angry at people i shouldnt be angry with, like my sister and mum.
Iv written that i blame my sister and her behaviour at the time it happened for the reason iv not been able to tell anybody, and iv blamed my mum for being too overprotective and not being their for me, and i know she cant help me when she hasnt go a clue whats happened.
When my sister went through a bad stage, she was all anybody talked about and they all asked how she was doing, and i feel angry that nobody asked me how i was, or what i was up too? i blame them for making me feel like i cant talk to anybody.
im really confused and wondering if its a normal feeling?…plus i dont want to end up resenting my family when they have not really done anything wrong.
scared x
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Scared,
I’m so proud of you and sooo very happy that it has helped you find a better (a more healthy) release for you. That is what you needed. Now to explain the reason know one asks about how you are, because no one wants to bring it up. They don’t know what to say or ask nor would they know how to comment. They all think acting like it never happened is the best, but to us it is the worst. Don’t be mad though b/c they are simply ignorant to the subject, it is not their fault. I went through the same feelings with my family and I just realized they loved me so much that it hurt them as much as me and accepted they don’t want to talk about it. However at the same time I also realized that it is OK for me to talk about it when I was ready and I come first. So that is why I stayed in counseling for a year so I could talk about it all I wanted with a professional. I also went to a “Take back the night” vigil (held annually and nationwide in April) and everyone involved was either a victim or family/friend on one and anyone could get up and say how they feel or felt. There must have been 200 or 250 people there and I had written a 3 page letter of what I wanted to say, just to say it for me and not care what anyone else thought. Well, it took me a month to write it and about 10 minutes to say it (my voice shaking the whole time) but I did it and I swear to you it was so overwhelming that as soon as I was done I got the worst migraine and my husband had to take me home immediately. The next morning I woke up and it was the first day of the rest of my life. It was such an incredible release and drained me completely of all my emotions but I never felt better and more empowered the next day and that has stayed with me. This is one main reason why I suggest group therapy, b/c there is no judgment only caring, understanding and they relate to you. That is why we feel so alone b/c we feel no one understands or helps, but we have to turn to the right people to know and more importantly feel like we aren’t alone. People that haven’t been through it can only support and love you, so give them a break and turn to people that can understand. A lot of times you can find free group therapy sessions through a local crisis center or rainn.org is always available if you are in the US. Stay on course and keep writing. I’m also glad you are able to look back on your feelings and learn, that is very good. Happy New Year and stay strong, Lynn!
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