#1) Believe deep down it is not your fault, no matter what the actions were leading up to the rape, you need to know and accept there is nothing that justifies rape and you didn’t do anything to deserve it! Everyone I talk to feels guilty or ashamed in one form or another, but what you don’t understand is the person that is deserving of the guilt and shame is the person that chose to do the rape, NOT YOU! The rape was not about anything you did, it is about the attacker needing control and they are responsible for their actions NOT YOU!!!
#2) You need to try and do your best to deal with your feelings as they arise. I’ve learned that in order to feel like a survivor you face them head on. You have two options, deal with them head on or run from them. The problem is when you run, your demons become your shadow and you can never outrun your shadow, so it is best to try and deal with your emotions head on instead of trying to outrun something you can’t.
#3) The one thing I learned the hard way was that none of my loved ones reacted they way I thought they would, so I immediately was more concerned with their thoughts and actions than my own healing process. I see this almost every time when counseling a survivor. The first thing I hear is, “What is my family (often spouse/partner) going to think?” or “how are they going to react?” My typical response is, “I know you are worried about their reactions BUT aren’t you more worried about your well being for you and your family?” Before you expend your energy on controlling someone else’s feelings (when ultimately you can’t) you should take that energy to heal yourself. Because you truly need to believe that you did nothing to lead up to the rape and know in your heart it wasn’t your fault. When YOU realize it doesn’t matter what you were wearing, where you were at or what you were doing, then it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks! The bottom line is you have to take care of yourself first before you can take care of anyone else!
#4) Surround yourself with the people who support you and distance yourself (at least temporarily) from those who don’t.
#5) Find the positive in something everyday and focus on it no matter how small or stupid it is. A lot of days you will have to dig deep to find it, even if it is splurging on a dessert or watching your favorite TV show, but you must find something positive everyday to keep you going. This will also help train your brain that you can block out the negative.
#6) Remember that you can’t change the past so stop focusing on it with – shoulda, coulda, woulda – because it doesn’t matter since the past can’t be changed. If you are focusing on something you wished you would have done differently or beating yourself up with something you did, then you do not believe it wasn’t your fault, step #1. YOU MUST BELIEVE THAT IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT and until you do you have a long struggle in your recovery. Remember NOTHING JUSTIFIES RAPE!
#7) Focus on what you DO have control of and that is your future. The day I stopped letting my assaulter control my life is the day I realized I could be dead. At that moment (about 9 months later) even though I knew my assaulter took something from me, I realized he did not take my life and I wasn’t about to give him another day of MY life! He doesn’t deserve it, not one more minute! I felt this huge relief that I sat down and cried for hours. From that day on I stopped worrying about my past and what anyone else thought and focused on appreciating the life I had left. Now I’m not saying I skipped off into the sunset, but that was the day I stopped feeling sorry for myself (those emotions are allowed – for a while) and picked myself up and took a step forward instead of backwards.
#8) DO NOT turn to drugs and alcohol to mask the pain, once again you MUST FEEL IN ORDER TO HEAL. Alcohol and/or drugs are only a temporary fix and does absolutely nothing to solve the problem other than to push it deeper. You must deal with it and the more you feel and release, the more room you have to heal.
#9) DON’T rely on anyone else to heal you. You will heal as much as you put the work into it. Hopefully you will have support, but you need to know while it is OK to accept help from others, only you can heal yourself. Healing yourself through some type of professional counseling, whether group, individual or anonymously. A lot of cities offer free counseling or support groups through their local crisis centers. There are your some church groups or if you health insurance (make sure mental health is covered under your plan) use that. Some employers have EAP (employee assistance programs) that are completely anonymous even to your employer and usually offer a couple free visits. Go to rainn.org to find the closest counselor to you. There are so many resources, just make the commitment to start helping yourself and you’ll find a way!
#10) While the above suggestions are more long term, I would like to make some suggestions for baby steps that can help “right now”. My most successful suggestion is to right down your feelings at the end of the day (good or bad) whatever they are just as a release. This is good for survivors or immediate family members trying to cope as well. It is up to you whether or not you keep it, it is just a way for you to get your honest and true emotions out and not keep them deep inside you, which only fester. Warms baths are great before bed along with a good book to take me away, if even for 30 minutes. I always try to keep a book in purse, dvd at home or cd in car that I love and makes me feel good that I can immediately turn to to brighten my mood. And if you don’t have a pet, get one! Pets are amazing and offer true unconditional love BUT make sure you have the time to love and nurture your pet and you will get nothing less back!
#11) Think about taking a self defense class. After being raped your sense of security is shot and an excellent way to start to get it back is taking a self defense class. It is very empowering and a good confidence builder.
#12) Try yoga (if you don’t alreaady), it is truly amazing how it makes you feel calm and can just release the stress and anxiety. Never tried it until after my rape and I still have the same at home beginner dvds I’ve used for years, but I love them and I truly feel empowered, strong and relaxed when I’m done. They say you can heal your body through your breathing and I believe it. Tell me you don’t feel a little better after you take a few big deep breaths. Well, when you are doing yoga, not only is your body trying to align and release your stress you are holding in your body, but you are really breathing the whole time and getting oxygen to your entire body, which is not only a calming affect but helps the tightness in your muscles to release. So trust me just try it a few times, you don’t have to do it perfect (which is why I do it at my house) but I always feel better afterwards, never fails..
Dealing with Rape 
i was raped a month ago. i’m feeling so many mixed emotions that i feel like i’m falling apart just like i did that night. i hope your words inspire me to heal as best i can.
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P, First let me tell you that all your feelings are normal so don’t think you are going crazy. It took me a long time before I learned this but what I found out that truly helped me (by trial and error) was to try and just focus on getting through today, not tomorrow not next week not next month, just today. And absolutely try not to think back only forward. Don’t worry about things you can not change and hang around people that don’t question you only support you. Hopefully you have someone who falls into that category. So just concentrate on the day at hand. The next step is to find something positive to look forward to during that day. Whether it is going to lunch at your favorite place, getting a pedicure, watching a great movie or even splurging on a ice cream sunday. It doesn’t matter how little it is as long as it is something positive that you are looking forward to. I know you are going to say it is hard to find anything positive BUT you can and once you find out how to do it you will feel so much better. Basically you are training your mind to push away the negative and focus on the positive. It doesn’t usually happen overnight but it is necessary even if you think it is stupid. Now just because I said try and focus on the positive doesn’t mean you can’t have emotions because you will and you should. The positive thinking will help you when you do get emotional. I would also make sure if you are working that you tell a manager or at least someone you can trust at your job so when you are emotional they understand and do not hold it against you. Are you in a relationship right now? Just remember that you have to feel in order to heal. So all of these feelings you are going through are part of the process. It’s not easy but you will become stronger one day. Just try and dig deep and find the positive and focus on that. I know it doesn’t sound like a lot but once you get the hang of it everyday gets a little easier. Within time you will have a good day (I promise) and those are a blessing. Are you getting any type of counseling? Let me know and good luck!
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Lynn, I met u at the Tori Amos concert the other night. I wanted to post with my e-mail address as a follow-up so I could get more info on the crisis center. On March 30 I was raped in Miami and did not report it until returning to Tampa and realizing I had a handprint on my neck. The police officer that was sent had the bedside manner of Hitler. He made me feel like it was my fault and I ended up dropping the charges. Please e-mail me. Thank you.
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Hey, i was just surfing the net thinking about my own recovery and what is stopping me from being able to function in a normal society. Its a funny thing rape, all it takes from you, physically, emotionally its as though you are never left the same again as it drains what you once were. But, every now and then you are given a burst of strength, of will power, it feels as if you were put on this earth to accomplish something, to recover and stand for what is right. It always ends the same though… the nightmares, flashbacks, the fear. Its a cycle that i cant break but then again, i have plenty more years to try test that cycle
I suppose i just wanted to thankyou for your efforts in helping victims (or survivors).. It is people such as yourself who put in the effort, and for that i commend you.
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D.
Thanks so much for your kind words. You are right it is a different new life. You have to learn again to trust, live without fear to open up and love again. I promise you that you will have more of those bursts of strength and will power. I promise you because that is what got me here today. Eventually, I had more good times than bad. But it wasn’t until I was truly able to forgive the act and myself until I was free to live my new life completely. Stay strong! Lynn
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i ve been thinking about my recovery as well i have been in such a dark place since i was raped i still cant believe it happened. the first person i told was my friend who eventually went with me to the police. is it normal to feel like its still my falt?being a raped and a guy makes me feel so helpless.since then, I havent been able to see my friend knowing that she knows, ive never been opened with my feelings and the last couple of months have been me anger and upset. i’ve seemed to isolate my self from my friend and mom who knows is it ok that i do that. I think that it’s great, this site i mean.thanks for letting me write about it so that i can try and put this behind me and not go crazy
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Forgive the act?
Forgive what i was forced to endure?
Forgive him?
Forgive myself?
How can i do that when he won’t even acknowlege what he did was wrong?..
When he accepts responsibility for what he has done, only that will leave me room to forgive myself and the acts of those that helped him cover up his deeds. So may i ask, how on earth were you able to forgive the act of a rapist?
If i have misinterpreted what you have stated please say so.
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Unforgiving, I’m so glad you are back and that you feel this site is helping you, if nothing else but to let you vent. First YES YES YES these feelings are feelings you will go through. As you can see through the others in this post, you are not alone and there is a group of individuals out there that relate with you. I want you to hang in there because I know you can get through this. Everyone goes through the different stages of recovery, like dealing with a death, because it is unfortunately, the death of the old you. BUT the new you can AND WILL in time be just as good if not better. I know that seems unbelievable right now (understandably) but as you recover, you become stronger, less naive, less vulnerable, more intuitive, you stand up for yourself and believe in yourself more because you will have overcome and accomplished the hardest thing in your life. And because of that you appreciate life more than you ever did before because you have been in and came out of the darkness. And when you are back in the sunlight it is now brighter than before and you make the most of it! I wouldn’t be able to do what I do at the Crisis Center or this blog if I didn’t feel like that today. It inspires me to be able to tell you that this place is achievable and is waiting for all of you. I realize it is not easy and it doesn’t come quick but you can get there with some work. Doesn’t it suck that I feel like the survivors have to do all the work when we are the victims, as if we haven’t been through enough. How can we possibly try when are emotions are completely drained and on overload, right? But we are basically fighting for our lives and we can’t give up because unfortunately it is all up to us individually and we will only get as far in our recovery as the effort we put into it. I know you are not ready for counseling on a one on one or group basis yet but that is the best thing when you are ready. Until then or anytime you can chat with me or just vent whatever helps. You do need at least one person you can lean on who you can be 100% honest with that will not judge you. You need some support. If that happens to be me then I’m honored. Why do you feel you can no talk to your friend who went with you to the police? How were you treated by them and did you get a rape kit done? If you don’t feel comfortable answering no problem just interested and sometimes opening up helps. I want you to think of something that you use to like to do that really made you happy and plan on trying to do that. Even if you have to wait until the weekend or something it will give you something to look forward to. Whenever a bad thought is triggered in your mind try and say this isn’t helping, think of how good you will feel when you are doing what you anticipated. Maybe a massage, treat yourself. You don’t have to depend on anyone to do that or even talk, just relax. If you don’t want to leave the house. Light a couple tea lights, put on some enya and take a warm bubble bath for an hour. Give yourself a facial and pedicure while watching something funny. Anyway, I hope you get this and stay strong! Lynn
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D.
Glad you asked. Everyone’s forgiveness is different. In my personal experience I had to forgive beating myself up thinking that I played a part in it somehow because I was partying. All the time I thought coulda, shoulda woulda, when in actuality it wasn’t about what I was doing, wearing or accepting a drink from a stranger because there is no excuse for rape. I had to forgive my friends and family for not treating me the way I would have hoped. I had to forgive them for not healing me the way I expected the people I confided in to do, because once again I learned they can only support me, it was up to me to heal myself. I had to forgive myself for hitting rock bottom when I got a dui. I had never been in trouble before and now not only was I raped but sitting in a jail cell because of my bad decision to drink and drive, living recklessly. I had to forgive and overcome the damaged feeling I carried around with me. I thought I would never be loved again because they would never know the person I use to be, the real happy me before all the darkness. I now know this is a normal feeling. I don’t know if I’ve actually forgiven my rapists (I believe there was more than one) or just accepting the circumstances of where I am today. It came when I realized I had to go through something horrific in order to find out my purpose in life and that is to help other victims. I would not have the satisfying and fulfilling life I have today. I appreciate it more and feel I’m making a difference. I would not have met my wonderful husband (who I told everything to the first night we met and he didn’t run like everyone else). I do feel like this was a major accomplishment in my life other than being a good Mom. I got to tell you when the day came and I realized I let go of the hate, i was really able to start living again. Everyone is different.
One thing I will tell you whether you want to call it forgiving or just simply letting go of it, is you have to accept you can’t change the attacker or his actions and that sucks but you will drive yourself crazy worrying over something you can’t change and let it ultimately consume you. The only thing you have control over is you. Did you report your rape and are you charging him? Lynn
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I made a police report but they said that there wasnt enough hard evidence to charge the bastard. For me it was a cousin, he was my favourite cousin for so long, eventually he took advantage of this predicament. First it was just the touching and whatever… i suppose thats forgivable, when i told my parents of his actions- i was left confused. I knew that what happend was wrong but i felt that it was my fault. Then i wen’t over to see his mum (i think he planned this aswell), except she wasnt home thats when i was repeatedly raped for about 2 hours by him and a mate. I never went to the police until almost a year later which is why there simply isnt enough lasting evidence.
Oh well. I hope that one day this forgiveness thing will just wash over me. And i can some how let go of the injustice that i feel was given to me.
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D.
I’m so sorry. It is the worst when it is someone you trusted. I have a lot of friends and I’ve counseled a lot of people who have been raped by someone they trusted. In fact, I myself was touched inappropriately by a cousin and then later by his brother, my other cousin. They too were my favorite cousins growing up. They expect to see me when they come in town and I look like the “difficult” family member when I can’t make time for them and my father doesn’t get it. BUT they live in another state and I couldn’t imagine them living any closer especially after my rape. Because I feel they are both capable of it from their actions. How far do you live from him now? Do you have someone you can confide in now? Do your parents know this and do they support you? Do you live on your own now or still with your parents. Are you expected to attend family functions that include them? I hope not because that is the worst but there are ways around that. Have you had any counseling? Stay strong! Lynn
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After the last attack, i found it extremely hard to function physically because of the effects on my body and mentally because i thought if i told i would get into trouble and I was so confused about my sexuality and maturing into adolescence, though i knew what he and his friend did was wrong. I confided into another cousin from a different side of the family (i was always very close to her) she told her father who then told my mum. When my mum confronted me with my behaviour (I had started cutting and had put a gash on my arm that required 8 stitches, as well as stopped eating, talking and having severe sleep problems) I lied to her, because for some reason in my 12 yr old mind i was so sure what had happened was my fault. Eventually after a suicide note that revealed what had happened, was found by my mum. My other uncles aunties and cousins rallied behind me, my 2 uncles went to confront my auntie uncle and her 3 son’s (rapist included).. He denied the allegations of course. It wasn’t until 1 week later that he left the country.
Yes you read correct, that guilty bastard fled the bloody country.
I had to suffer through the family gatherings for a few months, where he would corner me alone and try to touch me and make me fear him. This did work, because there was a time when I felt nothing but hatred and fear for him.
It took me near a year to make a formal police statement where they told me with reassuring smiles that they would investigate, and if need be have him recalled from where he fled. He stayed hidden in Europe for 3 yrs. And when he came back i couldn’t have been less prepared. He moved back into his mother’s house. A 10 minute walk from where i live, with my parents and my beautiful lil sister. I have seen him 3 times in the last year. Every time my heart froze in fear. There were times when i would blank for hours at a time (not remembering things) or simply go to my room and shut down. Though I never cry anymore. He doesn’t deserve my tears. I am now 16 yrs old halfway through my teenage years. I feel as though this is a constant burden on my shoulders, I can’t quite enjoy all the happy times because there is still a part of me that retreats into where he put me those many years ago
Over the years my mother and father have tried to get me into counselling… and i am co-operative. I try to make a bond stay honest and open. But it seems like every time we get close they move on, after so many of these instances i have unwittingly built a wall around my heart, i can only get rejected so many times by people who don’t even mean to hurt me. The rest of my family believe me and respect me, except for his brother’s mother and father. But with the people i truly love on my side i feel as if i can only go wrong when i start ignoring their help. I am now seeing another sexual assault counciller whom i do like … so fingers crossed she will stick with me to the end of this never ending ordeal.
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D.
Thanks for trusting me to open up, I know it can be hard. Have you tried group counseling? Oh my gosh, the bonds you can make there – that no one else can truly understand unless they’ve been through it. There might even be free group somewhere near you at a local crisis center. Not trying to push anything on you but it is such a healing step to be with a group that doesn’t make you explain anything (you don’t have to re-live anything or the “my fault” guilt) and they understand your mentality and craziness you feel inside. Also, you’ll find out how other people were able to deal with situations. One of the most important things I feel group counseling accomplishes is that you stop hating yourself and your own life for a few minutes. Not that you hate others, you just stop letting your personal situation consume you for a few minutes. I know anytime that happens is a beautiful moment of relief.
I would also say that not crying is not helping. Don’t think he is benefiting by making you cry. You need to think the more emotions I let out the more room I have to heal. Why do you think you cut, because you had so much pain to let out and you didn’t know how and didn’t want to give anyone the satisfaction to let them know they got to you. You didn’t know how to let out the pain, therefore you felt cutting let it out. If I knew where you were I would come over and give you the biggest hug and let you cry until your stomach hurt because you couldn’t cry anymore, no matter how long it took. I can tell how much you hurt but I can also tell how mature you are, so you have to know that hurting yourself only makes it worse. I’m so glad most of your family supports you, even though I realize they will never really “get it”. One example is the holidays, just knowing he is 3 blocks away and other people are treating him NOT LIKE THE VICTIM IN THE SITUATION is unacceptable to me. At the same time you have to remember you can’t change anyone but yourself. Are you planning on going to college? If not do you have a friend you could plan on getting an apartment with on the other side of town in the future. Seriously, you’ve got to get away from him, 3 blocks is unacceptable. The good news is family is on your side. If I were you I would be figuring out how to get as away far as possible when you get out of school. Because until you can get away from him to a place you feel safe, you will never heal completely. I know you can take some good steps, but you have to be able to feel safe. That doesn’t mean I want you to run off somewhere, it means talk to people that can help support you with this decision and make a game plan for your future. That will give you something to look forward to and strive for with your family members and friends. So the people that love and support you can also help you towards a new life and bright future.
D. you know what I feel from every survivor that they never see in themselves, strength! Especially you at such an early age, have overcome so much! It really is true what they say, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”! Kenye West’s “Stronger” is my theme song right now. Anyway, you can do it and I’m here if you need me. Stay strong! Lynn
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Group councilling is the one thing i tried, and i know that it didnt work for me. Sometimes i need the understanding from the people around me- i dont need them to have been raped or abused (all i need them to do is come to my level), and i think that I have taught a lesson to many that I have met. People are suprised about how effected i am by what happend, and through that, they are slowley able to grasp the severity at which rape or sexual abuse can effect people. That in itself is at times a burden but can feel like a accomplishiment– especially when you realise that you are a capable person.. and you have delt with issues that many let go unnoticed or are even at times ‘unheard of’. Don’t get me wrong, i can totally understand why it would be a great experience for many… but for me- i couldnt handle it, i have tried. I am an extremely conservitive person, i like having good conversations, but it takes me a while to open up.
Sometimes i think about what it would be like to just cry about it, i just can’t do that anymore. I have built these walls around me that allow me to function in a normal way. I refuse to step back into a time where i was constantly crying and thinking about the way his hands touched my body, or his heavy breath whispering “dirty” things in my ear. If i step back there i honestly don’t know how long it will take me to get away from it. And i have a life that i plan on enjoying, whether his cloud is over my head or not.
I agree with you. 3 blocks away is to close for comfort, yes i plan to go to ‘college’ or university as it is called in Australia. But i refuse to run away from a family that love me, even if he is so close. My family will always out weigh him. And i am no coward, i refuse to let him alter the way i live because of his presence… there was a time when i was apprehensive about going out on my own because he was so close, but to me that was just another way i was letting him control my life.
I WANT CONTROL! ITS MY LIFE!
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hey, i just want to say thanks for all you have done to help me.
My friend tries to call me all the time but when we are together she brings up the rape alot even when she knows im uncomfortable with it. after all this time i still think its my fault for going to the club, is that bad, am i just hurting myself for not talking about it, for not trusting anyone, im moving away for college before the new year,i dont want to but i cant talk to people,i used to be a very social,funny, friendly person it seems like because of what happenned i cant carry on a simple conversation with anyone for longer than five minutes without thinking the worst of them.yes i did get a rape kit done and i didnt catch anything. will counseling help me get over this.
Thank you and have a Merry Christmas and Happy New year.
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D.
You amaze me! You are so young but so grown up. Not many individuals I deal with can handle their attacker being that close but you are standing up for you and not letting him dictate your actions or scare you. You have come so far and I am so proud! I hope people read your blog because I feel you are a role model for others.
I would like to point out a few things for you to think about and you have to do what is right for you, like I said everyone is different. I notice you have built up a strong exterior, which is something all rape survivors must do. A strong exterior helps us try and lead a normal life and deal with what comes our way without always breaking down or running away (mentally and/or physically). But just because our exterior is strong doesn’t necessarily mean our interior is strong. You say you feel if you cry it will be because of the bad memories about the rape and you don’t want to fall back into that hole because it was so hard to get out in the first place right?
First who says you will even think of that next time you have a good cry? Maybe it’s a movie that triggers you to let it all out. You can’t just shut down your emotions because you are scared. You need to look at it as an accomplishment for you and that you dealt with it and are moving past it. If you trip into the emotional puddle again (which will happen if you “deal” with your emotions) then you need to tell yourself I have successfully dealt with this before and I’ll do it again because I know I can. If you’ve read my website the one thing I tell everyone is you must let it out and feel to heal. The more you let out the more room you have to heal. The more you keep it in the less room you have to heal and then it stays with you and comes out when you least expect it. You MUST NOT shut down your emotions and I’ll explain why. First, when you shut down your feelings, you shut down more than sadness. You shut down happiness, trust, forgiveness, love, etc. Now let me ask you, “how do you expect to be in control of your life and enjoying it if you don’t have these feelings?” If you cry when you want you will laugh when you want. You’ll be able to wholeheartedly have trust, love and forgiveness (in time) if you deal with the feelings that come your way. You’ll know to trust your instinct because it is very sharp right now. Your emotions won’t be locked down inside smothering you and waiting for that inappropriate time to come out. You’ll feel more empowered and really know that he doesn’t control any of your feelings. You are so intelligent and are so very lucky to have a supportive family that is trying to meet you on your level but remember all they can do is support your healing, but it is ultimately up to you. I think you are more than half way there and I know you are strong enough, you amaze me. I also wanted to tell you I didn’t mean you should “runaway” from your family, I know the more support you have the better. I just meant if you were going to school that it will be so much better for you to be able to go somewhere and not always have to wonder if he is there. Every little step you can make without having to him pop into your mind is another step towards healing. I hope you have a very Merry Christmas and a safe and Happy New Year. I’ll back home now and checking in everyday if you want to talk. Stay Strong! Lynn
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TRYING TO FORGIVE:
Here is your Christmas Gift, you just achieved hope! You went from “unforgiving” to “trying to forgive”! What an accomplishment – you should be proud. It’s all the small steps that we take for granted when in actuality with every small step you achieve you are building your future and now you’ve allowed your future to have hope!!!!!!!! I want you to think about that everyday when you get up, I have hope for today. Listen, tell your friend (if you haven’t already) that you appreciate what she is doing but that you’ll need to talk about it on your terms. Let her know you want to be able to get through a day without thinking about it but if you need to talk about it you know she is there for you. And yes counseling will help get you through this. The first thing it will help you do is stop the feeling that you are to blame in some way. STOP with the coulda, shoulda, woulda! YOU DID NOTHING TO DESERVE RAPE! I’ve seen everyone from business women/men, to prostitutes and strippers who even the police didn’t believe were raped. Every single individual I see no matter what their consequences were leading up to the rape, if they said no it is rape. I don’t care what drug you were on or what you were or were not wearing. You could be naked in bed high as a kite thinking you wanted it and then changed your mind. The minute you say no to someone touching your body and they don’t listen, it is against your will. You will never truly be able to begin to heal until you believe that deep down. Besides did everyone that went to the club that night deserved to be raped, because they wanted to party or dance? So take your next step and forgive yourself for going to the club and realize you did nothing to deserve this. Trust me you will feel so much better. Thanks for having trust in me to help you and I hope you have a Very Merry Christmas too. I’ll be checking in often if you would like to chat some more. Stay Strong and keep the hope! Lynn
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Hey Lynn.. Well it’s an interesting thing life is, the way we choose to cope, the things that get thrown our way. I am a strong person, and I know it now, I may be strong but I am also a very guarded individual. It takes a lot to earn my trust, and you are right I have built up a strong exterior.. I have done that so that I can protect myself. I suppose you are right, it has come to the point where I am a very logical calculated person- I have empathy.. but sometimes I appear that cold towards people, that friends and family mistake that for being cruel. It saddens me that I have become that kind of a person instead of the bubbly 16 yr old girl that I should have grown into. I don’t run away from situations as such… more than anything I switch off part of me. So I can take part in that discussion or I can sexually mess around at a party if I want to, and wtf if that guy wants a blow job- I know I can give it to him if I want to. Its just easy to block all emotion then to deal with any of it. The only thing I feel is anger and that is directed at everyone.
I hate the word victim ~I hate that that word has ever been used to describe me~ … And I will physically assault any person that attempts to make me feel that way ever again. It’s just not fair. I don’t know how to make the first step to allow any real emotion back into my life.. Its like I live my life with a bag full of bricks on my shoulders everyday it seems heavier.. So cheers to the New Year… Bring on 2008!
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D.
Just for the record you were a victim but now you are a survivor. I’m sorry you have such a weight on your shoulders, unfortunately it is something we all go through. I also completely understand turning the emotions “off” to get through something, that is something else we all go through and it’s not fair, none of this is. HOWEVER and I want to be very clear on this you should only be having sexual relations when YOU want to! Not because someone wants something from you and you “think” you are trying to be normal. You said “if I want to sexually mess around at a party” – that’s OK if YOU really want to BUT not to see if you can get through it or because there is even the slightest pressure from anyone else. When this happens typically you are seeing if you can go through the motions NOT because you are trying to deeply connect with someone with whom you want to trust. Meaningless sex will not help your recovery right now, not emotionally or physically and you damn sure don’t need to put other peoples desires before figuring out your own. Just be careful because I’ve seen it happen too many times when a young women is raped, then they shut down emotions, and try and prove to themselves and others that they can go through the motions of sex. Next thing you know you are going through the motions with numerous different people to only find out later that nothing actually satisfied what you truly need right now. Then ultimately the only person you’ve hurt is yourself and actually took steps backwards in the recovery process. All I’m asking is to continue to put yourself first and respect yourself and your life. So try and find an emotional relationship with someone you respect and you know respects you. That kind of relationship will help your recovery, not hurt it. It’s a new year and a new beginning with hope. D, stay strong as I know you will! Lynn
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Look mate, its completely my decision if I only want that physical touch to prove that I ‘can survive’ that situation. I DON’T CARE if it doesn’t work, it works for me.. it may crush me,,, but it works- really :S .. “what am I doing to myself?â€
For someone who has such a strong exterior I really know how to fuck things up, eh? I don’t deserve any better than I get.. Who I get, what situations I put myself in, the stupidity of my own mind. Everything I have ever gotten I have deserved, every situation I have ever put myself in has had the chance of different outcomes. Therefore what I got I deserved, and what I continue to get, is no different.
RESPECT is nothing, TRUST means NOTHING! Help me… help myself…… I don’t want to think ever again- I want all thoughts to cease and I would be free.. What am I saying? I don’t talk like this… I’m strong -I’m ok… help
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hi, i am a friend of a victim and i hate seeing this person suffer so much. Is there anything i can do to help. I am so angry with the rapist that i want him to suffer for what he did but the cops say there is not enough evidence and the victim does not want to go through the court process and have to rehash everything that occured. The victim is going to therapy but they are still in so much pain.
Thank you
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My girlfriend was recently raped. She came to my house afterwards and started an argument with me. Asking me if I thought our honestly shaky relationship was going to go anywhere. I couldn’t give her an honest answer because even I don’t know for sure. We have been dating off and on for a year now and up until the last 6 months I have not been the most supportive/good boyfriend. So there are alot of past issues with us. She ended this fight by crying and telling me that she had been raped by two men that night. I broke down, she broke down. I understood why she had unleashed so much misdirected anger on me when things had been going so well between us. I’m giving her nothing but support. But I’m faced with some questions that I don’t want to ask her for fear of her blaming herself. She was in a situation where she was at the two mens house by her own means. They didn’t hit her. She didn’t hit them or scream. (When there were people in dorms to the left or right.) From her story it doesn’t feel like she put up a fight. I know she was raped. I know it was against her will. I was there after, holding her shaking in my arms. How do I deal with this? I know it’s not her fault. But I can’t help but ask myself these questions. I want to give her nothing but love and support so I’m hoping you might be able to give me some insight into what she may have gone through and ways to help her go through this. Thank you so much for listening.
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D.
I think you might have taken me wrong. All I wanted to get across is that you do what YOU want to do NOT what someone else wants. When you feel OK to do something sexual or feel the need to do it to prove you can survive then only you know when it is right for you. I just meant don’t be pressured by anyone else until you feel it is ok for you. You are the only one looking out for you and the only one that knows what hurts your situation and what helps your situation. That is all I was trying to say. I hope you are feeling better and can I tell you that it is OK to vent your honest and emotional feelings here. It is OK if you don’t normally talk like this but you need to get it out. To be honest I look at it as a positive because you are “feeling” and you must acknowledge your feelings no matter how hurtful or dark they are. I’ve said numerous times throughout my website that you must feel in order to heal. I never said it was easy, unfortunately but whether or not it seems like it you are in the healing process. You are recognizing and dealing with your emotions which is a mandatory step in your healing. You are strong, just because you show emotion or vent doesn’t mean you are weak. It means you are facing your demons and stating that you are not scared to say it! That being said please trust me when I tell you that respect and trust is everything in a relationship and there is no relationship worth having without it. I understand trust and respect may be hard to comprehend right now but don’t sell it short. I would like to end by saying that whether you believe it or not you did nothing to deserve being raped. I know that and I believe that and I hope one day you also believe that. I do understand because I questioned my own experience and it took me a long time before I realized that there is no excuse for rape, period. Stay strong and hugs to you. Lynn
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123,
Thanks for being such a good friend. It is great that this survivor is going to therapy, it might take a while but don’t give up on it. Try and get your friend to come to the website and check things out. Hopefully they will find some good info or maybe even want to start up an anonymous blog. My suggestions for you is to be there with no judgement, listen to them and be a shoulder to cry on if they need it. It is a long recovery process but if they have the right support they will get there eventually. Just remember that unfortunately rape stays with you for life, BUT it is not a life sentence! Everything changes so there is really no normalcy anymore. It is like starting over and second guessing everything that you thought you knew and trusted. Let them know you are there and be patient. Refer to my page “advice for loved ones” and hopefully that will help. Good luck. Lynn
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A.
I’m so glad you asked me first… DO NOT ask her these questions because it will seem as if you are saying that she somehow contributed to her rape. She will loose faith that you believe her and will concentrate more on why you think that than on her recovery. This is the biggest mistake that anyone can make, but very common. It can be compared to when a victim is question by the police or emergency room. “What were you wearing? Were you drinking? did you voluntarily do drugs? Did you know the person?” All of these questions are insignificant because it doesn’t matter what the answer is none of the situations deserved rape. So you as the boyfriend, already admitting a rocky relationship, would only push her away making her thing that you think she some how asked for it. Now let me address your concerns, which are valid. Being a counselor for almost 4 years there are many many scenarios that could have played out but the bottom line is only she and the other two were there and know exactly what happened. My hand to God I can tell you that a third of rape victims that I treat are submissive, which means they don’t fight back. This is NOT because they don’t want to it is because they are in shock and in survival mode because they are scared of what IS happening and what COULD happen. This is common because women know if a man can rape them they can do worse. Some just want it to get over with so they can somehow not piss the attacker off and make it worse. Unfortunately, most people never understand this unless they have been through it. If you question that you will seem unsupportive or make them feel they could have done more so it wouldn’t have happened. Believe me please when I tell you this is not how to approach a survivor, especially since you can’t change anything now. Why harp on what happened, instead focus on how you can help. Listen and let her cry to get it out. Be strong and supportive and let her feel the pain so she can recover from it. Most of all don’t be scared of her pain and sorrow. This is a true test of love for both of you and hopefully you can help her now because she needs you. Try to get her to check out the site and let me know if you or her need anymore help. Thanks for helping and loving her when she needs you. Lynn
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k.d.
If you have any questions or would like clarification or maybe even ask something more personal to your situation, please feel free to ask. I hope you find something that helps you! Lynn
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I cant shake the feeling. the feeling of helplessness, I very rarely talk anymore and hate even more meeting people.Somehow i think they’ll find out that they know and i withdraw my self. I quit my job because my friend that i went to when it first happened told evryone at work.I kinda live in a small town. I lost faith in everything important in my life. The situation doesnt seem to affect my mom and sister. at first i couldnt believe it. I broke down and went to friends house i broke down in front of her and she told people at work about it. I went to the police and my mom took it from there.I tried to kill myself after the rape.I guess it didnt stick. It was my fault for being so naive. none of this would ever had happened if i wasn’t so stupid. I miss the old me but i can never go back . Ever since that day in front of my family i act like nothings bothering me like i dont feel this way. I never show my feelings i try to hide it in stupid jokes..I fell like im not making any progress in this and I dont want some counsler telling me what i should do.its been almost 4 months since, I feel like im gonna have another break down.please help.
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Dear “I will never forgive myself”:
I can tell it hasn’t been long and so understand your pain and feel for you. You have to do what you can when you are ready and trust me it is all the little things that eventually start adding up in helping your recovery. Most of the time there is no big thing it is just waking up everyday knowing you made it through yesterday and now there is today. It is all about the baby steps we take to get through even the most mundane things – this is what people just don’t get. Unless they’ve been through it or know someone that has that don’t understand that for us to even roll over to get out of bed and put our feet on the floor takes most of our strength, let alone going out and facing the world, whether they know or not. But the fact that we know and we know the effort put into EVERYTHING, gives us hope that we can just keep going, we will deal with our personality later, just get through the day today. I know! There are a couple of suggestions on how to do that (on my pages) if you think it might be something you wanted to try or it might give you your own idea. NOW FOR THE GOOD NEWS! IT WASN’T YOUR FAULT! If you could ever release yourself from that blame it will be such a wonderful help to your recovery. It is easier than you think. I don’t care what happened leading up to or even during the rape – IT WASN’T YOUR FAULT! You know how I know, because if it was your fault then it was my fault then too. Then it was also my friends fault because she didn’t fight off her attacker because she was in survival mode and was scared of being hurt more- even though there was no weapon, she let him without a fight. That would suggest that all the people I’ve helped, that it was there fault too? You know thats a load of crap. After doing this almost 4 years, I have NEVER met or even heard of anyone where it was the victims fault and it is not yours. I have helped girls who’ve been dancers or waitresses in a strip club who’ve been raped and guess what? They can jiggle and tease all they want and it is not their fault either they’ve been raped. Men know what the club is there for and they pay to get teased. They don’t pay to rape. So I am going to tell you only one thing to do and the best start for you, you MUST release that guilt in order to begin to have a little inner peace. I know you want at least a little. You know none of my family or friends reacted the way I might have hoped. Actually, I didn’t know how I wanted them to react -just not the way they did. What I learned from that was only I could take care of myself because no one else seemed to get it and I ended spending too much time worrying about “why” they were being that way, when ultimately it wasn’t helping me. I realized it hurt them too much to think about it and it was taboo to others. I realized no one was going to help me the way I felt I needed help, but me. That is when I stopped worrying about everyone else and concentrated on what I could do to help myself get through this day. I was distant from most, for a while. It’s not like I stopped speaking to them just, I just kept it quick and polite. I ended up seeking counseling about 4 months afterwards when I felt I was going to have another breakdown and personally didn’t really have a breakthrough until 9 months into it. However, it did feel good to let out feelings and have someone really listen and didn’t look at me like I was crazy (because I was crazy inside). But I’ll be honest, there were a lot of times I felt like my counselor just didn’t get some of my feelings. That is partially why I wanted to do this. So if you don’t want counseling maybe you could use this as kind of a sounding board, if you like. At least check out some of the other posts (if you haven’t already) so you know the feelings you are going through are felt by others too, and you don’t think you are going crazy. I hope you find something that helps you and please feel free to check in with me and let me know how you’re doing. Stay strong, Lynn
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About 1 1/2 years ago, I had gone to Key West for my annual family vacation. We go to Key West every year. We went to the nearby hotel tiki bar where we had several drinks finishing the night. I was beyond my alcohol limit…just walking to the hotel room, I fell several times. But, having fun and fearing nothing, I continued to enjoy the night. Me and my cousin had decided to continue drinking by the pool. We went for a swim as we noticed a couple of guys walking up. Long story short, my cousin went up to the room to get another drink…while the guy down stairs proceeded to kiss and touch me. I kept telling him “no” and “I have a boyfriend”. He continued anyway, pushing my body against the pool wall as he started. I remember, vivedly, my neck laying on the pool wall, because I was so drunk I couldn’t even hold my own head up. I had a bruise for almost a month on my neck from the wall. I REPEATEDLY kept saying NO….I remember, he kept saying “sorry”. He said sorry over and over again, but never stopped.
Well, I am still with my same boyfriend and we are talking about getting married now. We’ve been dating 8 years and I am 24. He knows about what happened, but no details.
But, I have flashbacks ALL THE TIME. And my boyfriend doesn’t think it was rape, but cheating. Probably my fault, as I never want to talk about it, so he only knows I was raped down in the Keys in a pool. The weirdest, smallest things make me remember. Vodka, pools, Key West and other things….
I just don’t know what to do to get past this whole issue in my life. I just want to forget it.
But, I probably made things even worse for myself. I called my cousins cell from his cell…the rapers…. and when I get home from the Keys, I searched on USearch.com, and found him. I wanted closure, since I never reported the issue. It didn’t work. My dad kept asking me if I was “coming on” to the guy, almost insinuating that it was my fault. I just don’t think anybody really believes it was rape, but me. How do I get through this and move on with my relationship. It’s a constant reminder in both of our lives and I can’t move on. I hate the flashbacks!! I hate the reminders!
I think my boyfriend thinks it was cheating and not rape, because I never reported it to police. At the time, I thought it was my fault for being drunk, and sometimes, still do. I didn’t want to go through the embarrassment of reporting it and taking a chance of having to testify. But, what if that was my child? What if he does it again? Why didn’t I ever report it? It wasn’t right and he should have gotten in trouble, not gotten away with it. I wish I could just go back.
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Dear flashbacks:
First let me start by saying it doesn’t matter how drunk you are you didn’t deserve to be taken advantage of and raped. This was a low life that preyed on women who couldn’t completely defend themselves. The most important thing I tell you is that you must genuinely believe this NO MATTER what anyone else feels. Especially people that ask what your contribution was???? They just don’t get it, there has never been a rape victim I’ve met that said “Well let me see how I would like to contribute to my rape tonight?”. It made me crazy worrying about what everyone else thought of me, but it never helped. The only time I felt better is when I stopped caring about them and put my efforts into my own healing. It will be tough with your fiance because if there is any lack of trust it won’t get better until that is gone. A lot of guys NOT saying yours, just from experience will use this as a crutch because they are overwhelmed and not sure how to treat you and scared of the maintenance involved in the future. It is OK for someone to be overwhelmed, but it is selfish (in my terms) for someone to use the excuse because they aren’t going to be your rock in life for the long haul. So maybe it is better that you find out now before you marry him….. If he is the right person then he will see that your feelings are first (rape and your feelings should take precedent over cheating). If he is more worried about ANYTHING else over you and the rape then he fails. Now remember I said it is OK that he is overwhelmed so don’t judge from first or maybe even second reaction.
But after 1 1/2 years if it hasn’t starting understanding what you’ve been through then honey my personal opinion is he is not coming around. Better you know now than later. Don’t you want someone who is non-judgemental and there for you? You deserve that…..
About reporting, I didn’t report either, I wished I did too. At first it was because I didn’t want to say I’d been partying and answer all the invasive questions. Later, I realized I let them (there were 2) go to the next victim. I understand completely how you feel. Did you know only 1 in 8 report rape. It is the most horrific thing to admit to yourself let alone others. You can still report it but there is a slim chance of conviction without evidence. If you happen to come across anything – even an unwashed piece of clothing from that night it could still have dna. Worst case scenario it will be a life lesson going forward for your friends and loved ones. On your flashbacks, don’t think I’m crazy but I actually saw a hypnotist like 5 times and improved my nightmares & flashbacks 90%. I never went under or out and always heard everything he was saying in fact I didn’t think it was working because I was relaxed at most, but it worked. If yours were like mine it is worth a try. I would love it if you would check in and stay strong! Lynn
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Thanks for responding so quickly. I really needed someone to talk to. After reading your words of encouragement, I think the reason I am having flashbacks now is because I haven’t really dealt with the problem. I kind of just pushed it aside and went on, like it never happened. I understand where my boyfriend is coming from, because I simply said I was raped and I don’t want to tell you anything… I shelled up like a clam and he never got answers to his questions. But, I never got answers to mine either…. Why me? I don’t think I was in a position to explain to my boyfriend anything, because I was simply in shock that what could never happen to me, did. Maybe I am a bit different than other girls this has happened to, but I think it took me 1 1/2 years to realize it wasn’t a dream, and it was real. And I think the reason he thought cheat, was because I never explained it at all.
I really would like to talk with someone, as I think I can now. It’s going to be hard now or later, but I have to get all these feelings off my chest. My head is going to explode of mixed emotions. Emotions I had that night, that I don’t think I have had since.
It’s almosts like I just blocked it out until I could finally cope with reality.
I still have my bathing suit from that night….put away. Never washed. But, I still have a hard time trying to press charges. Not for the guy, but for me. I don’t know if I could really handle the interrogation or the comments. I don’t want anybody to know. My boyfriend and parents are the only ones who do know…..none of my friends.
How do I find someone in my area that can help? Do I just pick a therapist in the phonebook?
I know I need to talk….I need someone to justify what’s happening in my head. I hate flashbacks.
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I do not know how else to deal with the problem. I have tried everything recommended, its been over 4 years. i am not over it, i am ruining my relationship with the person i love because of it.
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J.
Do you have someone that you can trust without judging that you can open up to and have a discussion at any time, just to be a sounding board sometimes?? What type of feelings are interfering with your relationship? Let’s be clear, You are not ruining your relationship. There are feelings that are coming between the two of you. Feelings are normal, all handled differently and some even handled with ignorance because they don’t know how else to feel and want to block it out and act normal (talking about others now). Unfortunately, rape is something in which everyone involved (that really cares about the relationship working) must deal with. And I’m talking about any relationship from the significant other to your friends and family. People don’t realize how hard it is to be able to come to terms and say OK I’ll deal with it. Then there is the actual step of dealing with it. Some realize just to say you will AND actually doing it, can be much to difficult. This is a point when everyone is different. This is a point where there needs to be talk and open lines of communication. Hopefully, this person or persons sit down w/you & everyone can get everything out on the floor. Talk about where you are now and where you want to be and how you think you can get there together. It’s not all about the destination, it’s about the journey getting to the destination. IF that doesn’t happen or you don’t feel comfortable doing this, then this isn’t the person or persons that you will be able to lean on in the future. Its not blaming anyone involved, it is just that due to an unfortunate circumstance you have evolved and need different things in life now. I know this is a lot harder than it sounds and I’ve been there myself so I do understand. You need to only be around a supportive environment to what you need right now. Maybe that environment is even alone… If you don’t have anyone to talk to then write a journal. You may have tried it before but writing in a journal can help different ways at different times. You can even shred it later (thats what I did). Unfortunately, the rape is something in your life that when somethings comes up you must deal with. And you’re gonna want someone there for you to help you. What I’ve found in my own personal experience is that when I finally found that person I didn’t need him as much as I thought. It was more I guess just knowing that I had that person there IF I needed him. Anyway, to me I would rather know early into a relationship than later if this is something you feel both of you can deal with together. Because it will be in the relationship forever. It will bet better with time IF you learn a good way for both of you to deal and build a better bond together. It might bring you closer. I hope things get better. Try and stay strong! Lynn
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Healing…. what on earth is that. I don’t get it. No seriously what does healing mean. What u does it feel like. Can you take a pill for it. I am sorry i just don’t get it. I have tried, sometimes i think i am fine. There r things and ppl that make me smile. But i still breakdown sometimes, i still get angry, i still cry. I am trying to figure out what healing is. I feel like eventually i will drive away the ppl tht support me. Becasue yes you r right, they wont understand why or how i feel. But it drives me crazy that i don’t either. I am not pissed off at the world, i have forgiven him i think cos i wont let him control how i feel. I do the things that make me smile, i have the ppl that care. Why do i still bloody break down sometimes. I just don’t get it.
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Miss L.,
You are more normal than you think or feel. When rape happens it ripps us to our inner core and has many many layers of feelings and healing. They are all small steps we take to get to a better and brighter life. First let me say if you have a good support base AND you are not letting the attacker control you, you have already come a long way, even though it may not feel like it sometimes. It has been since 2003 for me and I still break down, albeit not often but when I do the flood gates open. I’ll give you a perfect example of how deep the layers go. I was finally able to successfully forget the day I was raped and just this past November (3 years into me counseling rape survivors) my husband and I went out for dinner and drinks. In the middle of the night after we had both been asleep my husband said I was talking and crying in my sleep saying this was the night I was raped. He finally got me to wake up and told me what happened and I couldn’t believe it. My subconscious remembered but I had blocked it out. I literally had to get up and check the date of my rape because I consciously couldn’t remember and it was the same day. That has never happened to me before. I cried and cried but felt better after a while because I obviously had to let it out. You need to know that it is OK to feel and let it out. The only way you will get to those deep layers is if you feel, and you know as well as I do it isn’t an easy road to go down. BUT it sounds to me like you have the strength and the support to do it. Keep in mind just because you cry or breakdown DOES NOT mean you are weak, not healing or going backwards in your recovery. It doesn’t feel like you are moving forward but you are. You must go through this in order to heal. The more you challenge your inner thoughts and feelings the better you will understand and you will eventually feel better. Have you tried counseling? If you have and it didn’t work maybe you should try a different one. But not all individuals can go through counseling although most that do tend to cope with their feelings and life and friends quicker. Have you tried writing in a journal. Sometimes we don’t understand why we are stuck, or why we continue to feel the way we do until we write it down. Not only do you get it out of your system but sometimes you look at it a little different or understand it a little better. It is worth a try, you don’t have to keep it you can shred it or burn it when you are done. It is a release but unlike a release to a friend or family member, it is a release from you, and you understand what happened and know how you feel, if that makes sense. To answer your question on how it feels, everyone heals differently and feels differently, but to me it is when I can get through an entire day and not think about my rape. It totally is one day at a time. Enough of the hard stuff. Some tips – do things that make you happy and hang with the people that bring laughter in your life. Laughter is a cure all and it sounds like you have friends and family that can help you do that. My husband is a comedian (in his own mind) and has helped me tremendously. Also, try to mentally train yourself when a bad thought or feeling comes over you to have a funny or heartfelt focal point that you can turn your thoughts too. It doesn’t happen overnight but if you want it bad enough you can do it. Also, do you have any pets? My dog is like my husband (you know what I mean) and when I’m down and know one is around boy can my dog make me feel better and pets always give unconditional love. Just a few thoughts, hope it helps. Stay strong! Lynn
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It has been 3 yrs now since t happenedand I’ve only told my parents and one of my sisters.But now in the past few months I have wanted to talk about it, and I am never open with my feelings-especially these. In my case, my uncle raped my cousin and me and murdered her. I have always felt guilt, but that is not my problem currently. I have a very good friend who knows everything about me except that incident. I feel like iam lying to her by not telling her and I want to tell her, but don’t know how to bring it up. If you could just give me that small advice, please, it would be much appreciated.
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M. I’m concerned if she already knows everything else about you what are your reservations for telling her this? Is it because you don’t want to do into details, or that she might tell someone else? It is good that you are ready to talk and if you feel she can keep this confidential and you trust her then I would go about it this way. Let her know that you would like to confide something to her in complete confidence. Let her know the reason you have chosen her is so you can talk about it when necessary but that it is pretty heavy stuff. Ask her if that is something she would be willing to offer in your friendship. The reason I say ask first before you tell her is some people don’t like dealing with the heavy stuff for whatever reason and they will always come back with, let’s not talk about that lets think of something positive. That is all fine and dandy but when we as survivors are ready to open up and talk we must as a release. Ideally with someone that will support us, listen to us and not try and shove it under the table. Not tell us to stop crying or stop talking just let us get it out. The majority of their time is spent listening or being a shoulder we can cry on. Ask her if she is up for that. If she says yes then go ahead and tell her. If she says no, don’t be hurt because that’s just the way some people are, just be glad you didn’t go there with her. One rule of thumb, if you know that person to be a gossip, I wouldn’t give them ammunition at my expense, just a thought. Oh and good for you that you have let the guilt feelings go, that means you are on the right path to recovery. I hope this helps and stay strong! Lynn
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thx for everything, this site is so great-it helped me alot and i’m sure it will help many more survivors!
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M. I’m so glad the site could help you, thanks for letting me know! Lynn
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i’ve kinda got the same problem as m and could i just write a letter?
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V. Sure, if you allow me I can contact you through your email address (that you contacted me through) or you can write to me here and I won’t approve it to be seen on the website. Either way let me know. Lynn
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and, i’m sorry if i wasn’t clear, i meant could i write a letter about my problem to myy friend, or should i just talk to her. i already wrote the letter, but haven’t given it to her yet. thanks for everything
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V. A letter is good because they have time to think about their reaction to you but you must be able to trust the person 100%. Also, depending on the situation a letter can be used to show someone else. I don’t know who your assaulter is but just be aware that there will be a paper trail whether that is good or bad. I hope your friend is there for you. Good luck and stay strong! Lynn
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N. As much as I know you tried your best to deal with your situation, sexual abuse as a child is a very deep area that takes a lot of counseling to get over. It effects areas of your life that you won’t be aware until something triggers it, which is exactly what happened. It is not going to matter who you are with or where you live until you deal with these deep rooted emotions and triggers. The positive thing I found in your email is that you have no stigmas about what happened to you as a child. The fact that you know in your heart this was not your fault means you’ve taken such a big step which is needed in order to recover. As far as the boyfriend, you never mentioned if he was aware of the rape or not. How did he react to your reaction? Which by the way may seem silly but don’t because it is understandable to have those feelings, all of them! Try and find some form of counseling in your area. Call your local hotline or if in the US the RAINN @ 1-800-656-hope, they are anonymous and they can refer you. As far as home life hopefully he is respecting your decision without giving you a hard time. Just remember you have to take care of you first and if you don’t it will interfere with your future until you do. It’s not an easy process BUT it is sooo worth it in the end. I know you can make it because you are living proof of the strength you have to be where you are today. You are a survivor! Let me know. Lynn
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N. I’m glad you were able to be honest with your boyfriend and he supports you. And if he makes a gesture to change some of his actions for you and your situation that to me says selflessness and love on his part. If he is offering it is OK so don’t feel bad. It wouldn’t be good if you made him change for you, but instead he offered which is wonderful. And fyi, once you start counseling there will be good days and there will be bad BUT it is all worth it in the end and you will be able to live a better and more peaceful life. Stay strong and thanks for the update. Lynn
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How do you deal with rape? I was raped almost 12 years ago, and I still relive it everyday. I am always afraid it is going to happen again. My marriage is fallling apart, because I didn’t tell him about it until we were married for about 8 years. I have nightmares every night. I am always on the look out for someone that I think may be a rapist. I have cried myself to sleep every night since that night. I am scared to be alone, but I also hate being around people. I think they look at me like I am some kind of freak. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I can’t deal with it any longer. I have delt with 12 years of extream pain that never goes away. They say time heals. But I am still waiting. I hurt just as much today as I did the same night it happened. The pain seems to never heal. I really don’t think time heals. Help!!!
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D.
To answer your first question, everyone deals differently based on their situation and surroundings. I was in your shoes the first year of my rape and I felt helpless too but my life turned around when I realized I could have been left for dead. If a person can rape they can kill and they (more than one rapist) spared my life. That is the day my healing process was able to start. I stopped wasting my energy and thoughts on what I couldn’t change and put all my energy and strength into how I wanted my future to be. I wasn’t sure how but I knew one thing for certain, I wasn’t going to let my rapists control my life anymore, they had taken a year of my and that was enough. I’ve learned that it is all the little steps we take that add up along the way. Did you ever report the rape? If not that could be why you are so scared b/c you know he is out there, BUT I can tell you it is very rare that the same person attacks you again (unless it is a domestic situation). You need someone that you feel comfortable talking to that could help relieve your anxiety. Have you tried counseling at all either through a local crisis center or through an EAP plan at work (free) or a regular therapist. It is so very important in the healing process because if you just push it deep inside and not address it, this is what happens. It just gets bigger and bigger inside to where you feel like you are going to burst. Also try hypnosis, I have personal tried this and it worked tremendously for me. I was trying to overcome horrific nightmares and to this day I can teach myself to wake up when I’m having a dream I don’t like. I’m able to sleep and get the rest I need. If you aren’t sleeping good that also plays on your emotions and tolerance throughout the day. I never went completely under during the hypnosis, in fact I thought it wasn’t working because I was completely awake just very relaxed. Well, that was back in 1986 and it is still working. The other thing that I can suggest it try writing before bed every night to let out all your concerns or thoughts for the day. You can keep it as if a journal or throw it away but it helps you be able to rest easier. You need to stick with it though, don’t just try once or twice, every night. The other thing that I learned is always be open and honest with your partner. You don’t have to tell them every detail just let them know how you are feeling and ask for their support and tell them how they can help you, even if it is just to listen. You also need one friend (even if it is a therapist) that you can call 24/7 to talk to. If you don’t have someone, reflect back to your writing and/or call 1-800-656-hope to see the resources available in your area. This is an anonymous help hotline available 24/7. I hope this helps, just remember, the rape doesn’t define who you are and unfortunately you can’t change it. Only you can help your healing process so ask yourself if you really want this act to control and consume the rest of your life? Of course not, so what do you want the rest of your life to be and take one small step today! Do you want to laugh again, then rent your favorite funny movie or do anything that makes you laugh or used to and keep doing it until you do. Do anything that makes you happy one step at a time. Slow and steady and you’ll feel better but also look into some type of professional help. That way you know when you go that is your hour of release and you can leave it behind when you leave until the next visit. Same with the writing, get it all out and leave it behind until you write the next day. I hope some of this helps. Stay strong. Lynn
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this happened years ago. I’m slowly understanding (wich is hard) that it’s not my falt. I mean you feel in the middle of things… I don’t know. What I don’t understand… I always “knew” if something like that were ot happen to me i’d find a way to get away. I felt sorry but wished the girls you hear about were stronger…. then…. I froze and imagined I was away. Said it wasn’t happening. I mean for god sakes he was a boyfriend. I’m over it… if i were to see him, and he was being “nice” i’d be “nice” back… if he hinted about re dating… well I’ll make it clear it would never happen. I tried to let it out online once and they said either it never happened and I just want to see what people would say… or that it did happen and I wanted attention.
One thing… I’m a bit of a writer. I considered writing a story based on that, only it went to far… revenge (me and revenge don’t go together but in a book… you know anything can happen… like a subconsionce to the escape). I’ve decided I won’t write it as a book. if anyone wants a free book idea, the story was told in past 3rd person, you find in the end of the book she’s telling the story because she was on tryal.
My best friend, it happened to her only differently. was a friend. but we both did the same thing… nothing. didn’t report it… pretended it never happened. Only I understood she was younger then me…. sophmore year of high school… I was 19. I blame myself for not stopping hard enough. I know I shouldn’t… but, it’s hard. I wish I wouldn’t remember… or I wish I would have found a way to stop him from going that far. Considered messaging him on myspace, saying what he did was wrong, if he did it to any other girl and i found out about it, i’d call the cops on his ass…. but well… i wouldn’t. I’m happy now… I’m a single mother, and I’m sure I won’t let anything happen to my angel baby.
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I feel a bit odd writing this letter but hopefully it may help. I was raped by a 24 yr old male “friend” at age 14, almost 30 years ago now. Following the rape, I told no one but my diary. My dad was a police officer who told me not to be around this guy and swore that if he ever did anything to me, he would kill him. Well, as you can guess, I never told my dad anything. Or anyone else for that matter. Following the rape I did a number of really stupid things that now looking back could have very easily ended in me getting raped again but luckily it didn’t. I put all future boyfriends to the “test”. By the end of highschool, I was engaged to a wonderful guy whom I told about the rape and who totally understood and was supportive. We have been happily married for 22 years. He is my best friend and still the best thing that ever happened to me in my life!
The issue comes as I struggle with everyday life. Over the years I have struggled with my weight. I gain and lose 40-50 pounds everytime things happen again. Although safe in my own relationship, I find other men threatening. I have chosen a career and developed a very strong and aggresive personality to “scare” most guys away. Throughout the years though, there have been a number of events that have sent me swirling back to the same feelings of the original rape that took place years ago! Each time, I resort to gaining weight to keep guys away. Shortly after we were married, my husband and I had a party at our house for a bunch of his work aquaintences. During the party one of them cornered me in another room, groped me, kissing me and trying to pull me to the floor. My husband was in an adjacent room. I managed to run out of the room but didn’t tell my husband anything until the night was over and the guy had left. My husband was furious at this guy and beat him up threatening him that if he made anything of it that I would press charges for the assault. I have not seen this guy ever again. A few years later, I had a complete stranger corner me in our work elevator, grab and kiss me, on my first day back to work after maternity leave. I was feeling great about getting my old body back, was wearing a cover all turtleneck dress and it still happened.
A few years ago, one of my son’s sixteen year old friends came on to me and I freaked out. I cannot stand cat-calls, comments from men about how I look or anything of that nature.
What set me off again on Friday night was we were out with a couple we have known and who have been married for twenty some years. During dinner, the husband was making comments about how great I look since I have lost some weight and then made a comment about me spilling something on the front of me and him wanting to lick it off of me. He often makes sexualized comments that make me feel uncomfortable and I fear that if he was drinking and anywhere near me an attack could happen again. My irrational response to his comments was to eat like a pig that night. My rationalization was that I was bringing all of this on myself by losing weight. So, in order to stop guys’ comments, I need to be fat again and then they won’t make those comments. My husband tells me to just tell this guy to shut up and quit talking to me like that. We have known this couple for years.
Please help me gain perspective. I am normally so confident and together in so many parts of my life. But my confidence unravels the minute a man makes/says any sexualized kind of comment to me. I don’t want to be overweight but I either want men to stop saying things to me or I want to know a way to not let it affect me this way.
Please help as this continues to haunt me!!!
m.s.
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Hiya, i feel stupid writin this and scared sumone might see it but im gonna write anyway because i cant keep my thoughts in my head anymore.
When I was 12 nearly 13 I went on a weekend trip to butlins with my aunt and her family. I met some people there and they all seemed really nice. When we got back me and my friend went to see them on the train. I was shouted upstaires and just went up and was locked in a bedroom and violantly raped for an hour or more it felt like forever and it was the worst expieriance of my life, i was a virgin and only kissed one guy, i was nieve to say the least going there in the first place. i was crying and shaking but my voice wouldnt work after so long because i couldnt breath. No one came up to help. a few month later i realised i was pregnant and I had a termination, I had a support teacher from school with me, thank god i was not alone. After the incidinet i set myself on a road to ruin, drinkin, fighting drugs up untill i turned 18 when i realsied i had to sort myself out. I used to hear my mum and step dad crying and I was the cause of alot of their arguments, she is a great woman and a brilliant mother. I hate what i have put her through
Im now 21 have a good job and a loving boyfriend our own house, i am so nasty to my boyfriend as i think he will hurt me and leave. Tino is takin the brunt of everythin built up inside me yet hes still here, he knows somthin happened to me but ive never spoken about it to him cos i think he will jus be disgusted with me. I blame myslef for it and no i shud just get over it and move on but my brain wont let me erase anything. xx
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