If you’re feeling lost and looking for some inspiration or would like to talk with someone that will not pass judgment on you, please feel free to contact me by leaving a comment at the end of this post. Posts are kept anonymous. Definitely take a minute to check out all the content. Is your rape controlling you? Well this website is to help YOU GET BACK IN CONTROL. It is to offer anonymous, encouraging ideas which can hopefully help rape survivors deal with their emotions, which is a necessary process in order to start the healing process. I thought as a survivor, with a year of personal counseling under my belt, and currently a rape counselor (my purpose in life now) why not share what I’ve learned with those in need. I know as a survivor the variety of mixed emotions, that can seem almost impossible to deal with at times, that affect you in your everyday life. As a counselor for 5 years I’ve also been exposed to a lot of different situations and types of rape. Please know you are not alone and you don’t have to be!.
- Comment
- Reblog
-
Subscribe
Subscribed
Already have a WordPress.com account? Log in now.
Dealing with Rape 
J. It is up to you or not whether you want to go to the police, but I can tell you the your rape and the other rape are not your fault. This person knew what they were doing and I’m betting you weren’t the first. That being said, unless they catch the person it probably won’t be the last either. I can only tell you how I felt when it happened to me. I did not report my rape and later regretted it only because I realized they were professionals at it (handing me a fake business card and their approach) and I knew I wasn’t the first or the last. I was out of town and just wanted to get home to my personal doctor, which I did. The only thing I regret about my rape to this day is not reporting it. I know it would have been very difficult but going through all this has shown me the personal strength I have and I know now I could have gotten through it and for me it would have been the right thing to do. If the only thing holding you back is the emotional consequences, let me assure you that you will eventually need to talk about it and get it out. You can not repress your feelings because it all needs to come out and it will at some point. The longer you wait the harder it will be and it will affect all areas of your life in so many ways if you try not to deal with it. So the alternative is deal with it no matter how difficult it seems. Deal with it while it is fresh, don’t let it fester inside of you. You need to feel in order to heal. It won’t be easy but the sooner you do it the better your future will be, trust me. How you deal with it is up to you, but try your best to deal with it in constructive ways like counseling or writing out your thoughts as a release and possibly think about going to the police. Especially if you think you know who this person might be, you could be responsible for getting them off the streets and making you feel a lot safer and making the world safer for other women. Whatever you do, you have to do what is right for you to help you become a survivor and not a victim. As far as you not being able to sleep, definitely try writing out your thoughts every day. They will leave your body and give your brain a rest which will help you sleep. You can write about anything you want good or bad, just get it out. Sleep is essential in feeling better and keeping your emotions under control. I hope I’ve helped and I’m so truly sorry you are going through this. I’m so thankful for your partner to support you and glad you are not alone. Stay strong! Lynn
LikeLike
i got raped when i was 11 by my mums ex boyfriend and i cant cope with it. i am 17 now and its still playing over in my head! my mum didnt believe me and i dont now what to do! i need help!
LikeLike
Well, I don’t really even know why I feel the need to talk to you…I have people who are there for me…but it’s so much easier to talk to someone who has been through it.
Let me just start from the beginning – I apologize in advance for this comment being long. Anyways, 8th grade I started dating the love of my life…it didn’t mean much at the time because we were so young but it grew into true love and we dated until my junior year in high school. About 2 years into our relationship I started having problems with anxiety attacks. It runs in my family and it was taking a while to find the right medicine to help me with it. In the meantime, the anxiety gave me depression so I had that to worry about as well. Needless to say it was putting a lot of stress on my relationship with my boyfriend, from now on called M. Me and M had never had sex at the time…we always wanted to wait. We had messed around a bit but always stopped ourselves from going too far. I had decided that when we got older I wanted him to be my first and he wanted the same. Both of us were virgins. Anyways, my boyfriend was having a really hard time dealing with my emotions, so I kinda started to want attention from other guys. It made me feel better about myself. I was always very honest with my boyfriend about it, and we ended up taking a break so I could have some time and just figure things out. During that break, because I wasn’t getting attention from M at all, I started even longing more for attention. I wanted to party and go out and drink because everyone who did that seemed like they were always having fun and I did not know how to make my pain from the depression go away. I started drinking…and immediately fell in love with the fact that liquor made me not so stressed. M did not like that I was drinking – he knew it wasn’t like me. This guy, who I will call B, was on M’s football team and was a year younger than us. I had heard around from other girls that he doesn’t respect women but I guess I just HAD to see for myself. We started talking and he asked about me and M’s relationship. I told him that things were going bad and that I was dealing with a lot. He would make comments like “well if he doesn’t know how to take care of his girl, I’ll do it for him” and things like that. I kinda liked the attention I was getting. He would tell me how gorgeous I am and I told him I was depressed and looking for the right meds, another clue to him that I was very vulnerable. He wanted to get me drunk at parties but when he was around I didn’t drink because I did not feel comfortable. Meanwhile, I want M back but he will not be with someone who drinks. So B would ask me to do things like send him naked pictures of myself and give him head in his truck before I left a party and stuff…I gave in because I loved the attention and I felt alone because none of my friends understood my depression. Eventually one night he invited me to sneak out to come to his house just to “spend time” with me. When I arrived his friend J was there. They said we were all just gonna hang out. They talked to me for a bit and slowly started taking my clothes off…they could tell I was uncomfortable and kept saying “it’s okay…” so I let them… I was scared and knew that this wasn’t right but I was scared to say something because I knew they had naked pictures of me that they could easily spread all over the internet. I finally said “I don’t think this is a good idea…this is wrong…we shouldn’t do this…I don’t wanna do this.” They just kept telling me that it was okay and to relax and they were gonna make me feel good. It gets a bit hazy here. Next thing I remember is B on top of me and me just sitting there wishing it would be over. J was in the corner taking videos on his phone and touching himself. J eventually joined in and B left the room so J could “have his turn.” Afterwards I just felt so dirty and wanted to go home. They took me home and I layed awake all night staring at the wall. Pretty soon, word was getting out around school that me and B had slept together. It turns out, I was the topic of conversation in the locker room and so were my pictures…I was sure M was gonna hear about it. When I tried to talk to him and explain what happened he did not want to hear any of it. He heard that I had been with someone else sexually and he didn’t want to hear anything else. All my friends were friends with him as well. Half were mad at me, some were disappointed, but they all just kept telling me to let M go and that too much has happened for us to get back together. No one even knew the truth. So eventually, I just starting agreeing to the fact that I cheated on M. It was much easier to believe that than to believe what really happened. For two years I pushed the images out of my mind. My friends slowly wanted nothing to do with me and i lost M. My depression spiraled out of control and my family was so confused as to what was wrong with me. They even drug tested me. I had stopped drinking, stopped doing everything i loved, and only wanted to sleep. I would throw up in the mornings at the thought of going to school because I would have to see B, and J, and M, and all of my friends who betrayed me. There were also so many of B’s friends who suddenly wanted to “hang out” with me, but I knew the reason why. After a year and a half of this I met a friend that I wanted to tell my story to – I wrote everything down on a piece of paper and was going to give it to him, not sure if I could say it. Before I could give it to him, my mother found it and read it. I couldn’t even look at her when she questioned me about it. It was like it was happening all over again. My mom knew for a couple weeks before I decided i needed help and we told the rest of my family. It was hard seeing them so upset and I felt guilty for not having told them sooner. Everyway I was acting suddenly made sense. My mother told M the truth and he still refuses to talk to me. I have finally told some of my friends but none of them have much to say about it and none of them really seem to care anymore or believe me. I started going to therapy and things were going so much better. I thought I was finally gonna make it through, but recently things have gone downhill…I feel like I did when it first happened again and I feel so alone, my family doesn’t fully understand and neither do my former friends. The one new girl friend I have I am scared to talk to too much about it cause I am scared it will scare her away. My current boyfriend is so understanding about it but it is putting so much stress on us and I get scared around him sometimes just because I don’t see him – I see B. We can’t do anything sexual most of the time because I am terrified and I cry. I always have crying fits where I cry so hard I cant stand up. I just feel like this pain will never go away. How long does it hurt? Will this affect my life forever? Will I ever be able to have normal relationships with people again and lead a normal life? I know you probably do not have the answers to these questions but I thought this might help to talk about things and just recap the whole story…and it’s weird but I feel better just letting it all out. Thanks for the support.
LikeLike
CH. I’m so sorry that your mother doesn’t believe you, it is unfortunate but I’ve seen this a lot. Usually it is self denial or they just don’t know how to handle it. Typically they will say you are looking for attention and place the blame back on you. I’m very very sorry BUT whether or not she believes you I do! The first thing you MUST do is go talk to someone about it. If you are in school you can go to a guidance counselor at school or you can see if there are any crisis centers in your area and call them to ask to refer you to someone because these are typically free. If that doesn’t work try someone at church possibly. If you can afford to pay for counseling then go to a therapist at least for the first visit and once you are there tell them your desperate need to talk but you can barley afford it and they will typically work out a deal on the payment with you. You can also look for any type of group therapy, which typically doesn’t cost much, that may also be through a church. Group therapy is an excellent way to build relationships with people that understand what you are going through and offer support without judgment and that is what you need. Whatever way you look at it, you need to talk to someone that will listen and let you take your time in opening up. This has obviously been bothering you for a while (as it should) and until you can get the care and understanding you need it will only get worse. In the meantime of finding professional help, do you have a close friend that you can turn to that will be there for you when you go through this and that you can trust enough not to tell other people? It would be ideal if you had someone to turn to 24/7 that can just be there when needed. Also, you can write out your feelings, no matter what they are good or bad, just get them out on paper as a release. You don’t have to keep them or you can and take them to the counselor to discuss, it is up to you. But this exercise truly helps you emotionally and it helps you sleep better. I’m sure this has been a long tough road for you and now it is time to not worry about your mother but take care of yourself so you can have a good productive positive future. I’m always here also if you want to talk to me more. But please try and do a little research and find out some resources for professional help where you live. Stay strong! Lynn
LikeLike
Ca.
It always feels better when you let it out and I’m glad it helped for you to write your story to me. One of the best exercises you can do is to let your feelings out on paper as a release, even if you tear it up when you are done. It doesn’t hurt that deeply forever as long as you continue to deal with it in a “good” way such as counseling or therapy until you are better. It also helps a lot to forgive because when you forgive you can love. There are different types of forgiveness in every situation. In your situation it is not necessarily forgiving what they did to you but forgiving yourself. This doesn’t mean you did anything wrong, because YOU DIDN’T and I’m not implying that in any way. I beat myself up with coulda, shoulda, woulda for so long that it ate me up inside. When I finally believed it wasn’t my fault and forgave myself because I didn’t do anything wrong, it was like a weight was lifted off me. When I forgave my friends (because they just didn’t get it), or people I thought were friends for not acting how I thought they should, I learned who I wanted and didn’t want in my future and let the rest go. I forgave my family because I didn’t get the support I needed only realizing they didn’t want to talk about it because they loved me so much it hurt them almost as badly. Forgiveness is more powerful than you think and like I said it is different with everyone’s specific situation. I also think it is possible (I’m not a doctor) you might have ptsd (post traumatic stress disorder) especially if you were already having issues before this happened. Maybe someone has talked about this with you already but if not ask your doctor immediately. The more you deal with this, preferably with a professional, the easier it will get. You can go to rainn.org and find someone who specializes in rape therapy in your area for NATIONAL & INTERNATIONAL HELP. I also think an excellent idea for you is group therapy. Trust me when I tell you it is so wonderful, even if you don’t share at first, but to get to know other people who have been through it and understand and have compassion is so uplifting because as you said, it makes it so much easier to talk with someone who has been through it. The friendship and support you can find there is like no other. As far as your friend, we all need someone we can be totally honest with and more importantly trust so I would tell her and if she runs then she isn’t the kind of friend you need right now. You said a lot of people know anyway, so don’t worry about telling her, you need someone 24/7. Don’t be scared to open up because you have to take care of yourself first. Give her a chance to be a good friend before judging that she won’t, besides you don’t want her to do that to you right? She will either be there or not so you might as well find out now. Just remember the more you deal with it and feel, the quicker you will heal. Forget those other people that said they were your friends and try and at least have one good quality one now. I’m assuming you are either out of school now or close to it. If you are still in school and haven’t talked to a counselor at school, do that too so if you are having problems with your studies or need to move classes, or even be home schooled until you finish in order to keep your grades up, talk to your counselor and parents about that option. And if you don’t have a pet get one if you can because they help so much, trust me. I hope that I have helped and let me know how you are. Stay strong. Lynn
LikeLike
I just wanted to say thank you so much for what you are doing on this site. It has helped me so much more than I thought it would. Especially when I read other people’s stories. I loved the comment you made about “I realized I was giving him what he wanted – control. And I didn’t want him to control my life anymore.” When I read that I was like “wow, that is so true…” I know it is probably so much to deal with – all of these people talking to you and wanting your help, not that it’s a burden, I’m not meanng that. But I can’t imagine repeating myself over and over and trying to find time to talk to all of these people like me that need help when I have so many other things to do. But it’s really great and I hope one day I can do what you’re doing. Thanks again – I will update you on my progress. And something I kinda wanted to ask you? – Do you still deal with it? Like does it still affect your life, and do you still cry every now and then?
LikeLike
Ca
So glad you have found help here! That is exactly why I do it and make the time. I realized counseling only a couple times a month wasn’t enough for me. If I could connect with people who have literally just went through the rape (b/c I have been raped) and give them hope and help, then I new I could reach more people, so I did this site. The aftermath of rape can feel so dark and lonely, so this is to try and bring together a group of people that need to know they are not alone or going crazy b/c of all their confused feelings. I would love it if you checked in to tell me how you are doing. As far as dealing with it myself still, this is my way, every time I go to the crisis center or come to this site, at part of me heals knowing that I was able to genuinely and appropriately help turn a victim into a survivor. Don’t get me wrong I don’t make them a survivor I just give some help and hope for them to go down the right road and get the right help so they can make their own transformation in the future. The harder you work on your recovery/well being the quicker it will come. As far as still affecting my life, I can honestly tell you I’m never in the mood the nights I’m on call at the crisis center. That is really the only way it affects my personal life “mentally” anymore. I have cried after leaving the hospital/crisis center after a brutal rape, that killed me b/c I felt I couldn’t help her b/c she was unconscious and I knew I wouldn’t get a second chance to help later. The last time I cried over my personal rape was on the anniversary. Believe it or not I had forgotten the actual day and when I went to sleep I had a nightmare and arose extremely upset and realized after this happened it was the actual anniversary, so even though I never focused on the day, my mind sublimely knew and that freaked me out a little. I deal with this everyday of my life in some way or another, the difference is now I have control and I choose to deal with it head on and not run from it and help others in my situation. It is selfishly empowering to see the glimmer of hope in their eyes when they leave me. It gives me the strength to do what I do. You give me the strength for letting me know I could help a little. So thank YOU! Stay strong, Lynn
LikeLike
I was raped 2 years ago now, and i finally feel that i should get help. I can’t keep living this way. With these feelings of anger, sadness and regret. All the different emotions i feel each day could fill up this page. Everyday is different and i seem to handle it differently. Tonight i want change. I was not drugged or under the influence of alcohol. I was me and he took that away from me. I am not me anymore. i dont know who i am some days. People have said to me the past couple of years . You have changed. I thought if only they knew what i had been through. No one will ever understand the feeling that i have.
For the past 2 years there has never been a day that i have not thought about it. Every little detail pops into my head. I can’t even watch tv movies listen to the radio even just talking to friends and the word rape comes up. I need a way to deal with these feelings and situations i am in. Some days i think im so strong about it all but lately it has been tearing me appart, and this is why i have finally decided to post this and get support.
LikeLike
A. Well this is an excellent step and I bet you felt good just getting those few words out and taking the step to help yourself. You will only heal as much as you are willing to help yourself. First know that you are not alone and these overwhelming feelings will continue until you get the right help and knowledge. Next step find a counselor (preferably one who specializes dealing with rape). If you are in the US you can call 1-800-656-hope OR INTERNATIONAL you can go to rainn.org and they can help you anonymously and give you some counselors names closest to you. This would be my first choice. You need to get it out and open up. In the meantime of finding a counselor/therapist write out all your feelings as a release so they don’t sit and fester inside of you and control your everyday. This won’t happen overnight but it REALLY halps and is the best most used exercise I suggest. You don’t have to keep them, you can trash it or take it to the counselor to talk about. You might even want to consider group counseling at some point b/c then you will make friendships with people that totally relate and understand what you are going through. The bonds you can make there can be lifetime. You are different today than you were before but it can be just as good if not better. Once you start handling your emotions and working through them you will be stronger, more resilient and a lot more cautious. I was never as strong as I am today b/c of my rape. Things happen in my life now that I would normally freak out about, like a “suspicious lump in my breast” that my docs are keeping an eye on. I would normally be beside myself but now I’m like if I can get through rape I can get through anything and there isn’t much I can do about it so I’m not worrying myself about it. I’ve learned to enjoy everyday I have and not put extra burdens on myself and don’t sweat the little stuff, which is totally different than how I used to be. Therefore my quality of life has changed and so much for the better. Just a little inspiration to know that you might not ever be the same person you were but it doesn’t mean it won’t be good, it may even be better. Also, another exercise is when you get up in the morning I want you to focus on one happy thing you are looking forward to (no matter how small or stupid). Every time a bad thought comes into your head I want you to focus on the good. It isn’t easy but it can be done. Once you are actually able to train your brain to stop thinking of the bad and focus on what you are looking forward to it helps train your brain so that in the future it comes more easily. Don’t be scared or intimidated to talk to a professional, that is what they are there for. Also, if you try some of the resources listed above, it typically doesn’t cost a lot and if you don’t have the money let them know you need them to work with you, don’t let that stop you from going b/c there are people out there ready to help YOU, and it’s not about the money. I hope that I have helped. Stay strong and don’t give up on your recovery! Lynn
LikeLike
it happen early hours of december 2nd 08 and I dont know what to say here but Im having a bad day! Im doing everything im supposed to going to couseling but when im at the gas pumps and it gets full i jump like someone shot me! I cant be around the busy area where I work it gets 2 loud! I always wake up at night? But I go through everyday like Im okay till something knocks my breathe out of me? I know just need to press the charges but the police were so mean I have never seen anybody as mean…I just want to take that night back My heart hurts today.
I didnt scream didnt even cry why? I didnt fight where was I? I feel like I still the one trapped and they are free. why are the police so mean are they trained to act like this? this is vague but I have read the replys I found the site and this is what my fingers typed. I do feel its my fault it I didnt I know I would be fighting hardier but I didnt that night. Then I think Im lucky to be alive but if I wasnt out anyway gr8 site thanks
LikeLike
Hi there lyn. I was raped 2 and a half years ago. I hope you dont mind me sharing my story. I’ve never told the whole story to someone, not even my family. It was a friend of my brothers, whos girlfriend was a friend of mine, and a co worker. I had just moved in to a new place, and me, my brother, his girlfriend, and the two others were relaxing. I had two beers, went to my room and fell asleep, passed out actually, pretty hard. I woke up to him on top of me. Turns out the back door was unlocked and he came right on in. I woke up in the middle of it and tried to push him off me.
I have only ever told my brother and his wife what happened to me, and my brother doesnt believe me. He thinks if it i was really raped, i would have wanted to report it immediatly. I was scared to report it, and still am. I didnt want to hurt my friend, and the guy was convicted of Statatory rape not long after that and is still in jail, and will be for a long time.
I just, really needed to tell someone else. Someone who might believe me. i’ve accepted that it happened, where for awhile i pretended it didnt, even managed to have a normal sex life. But, the emotions wont stay away, and i get so angry knowing that guy thinks he got away with it. And, with me being scared, he probably did.
LikeLike
M. It is still so fresh and your reactions are totally understandable. You might want to check with a doctor to see if you possibly have ptsd (post traumatic stress disorder). It might just be b/c it is still so fresh and recent. What I know is that the reason you didn’t scream or fight was b/c your body mentally went into survival mode. You have ni idea how many stories I’ve heard saying they had the same reaction. Just b/c you didn’t fight back physically doesn’t mean you weren’t trying to protect yourself. Everyone’s experience is different. But I know for sure that you were protecting yourself from something that could have been much worse. Not saying being raped is not traumatic enough but as you said you are alive and that is why you did what you did. So stop feeling bad because you did nothing to deserve it in the first place, your actions didn’t contribute to the rape, so forgive yourself for that. He knew what he was going to do before he knew how you would react. I’m sorry you had such a horrible experience with the police… I swear they are either wonderful or horrific, it seems no in between. The crisis center I volunteer at is currently lobbying to get training for the police, it is something we desperately need. If you got a rape kit done and they have some evidence and you want to keep these guy off the streets you might want to consider dealing with the police but asking for someone who is a little more compassionate to do your case. If not I understand that also but I think I would be more concerned with my safety and deal with the police. If you didn’t do a rape kit then it possibly is a mute point if they have no evidence on him. Get some pepper spray for your sense of security, in the meantime. Stick with the counseling and in between going write out your feelings just as a release so they aren’t building up inside of you. You are lucky to be alive and you did the right thing for your survival. Remember that. Glad I could help. Stay strong! Lynn
LikeLike
R. I’m glad you are coping now and have the courage to talk about it b/c that takes a lot of strength to do. I’m glad you felt you could talk to me and of course I believe you. It is very difficult dealing w/family and friends especially when they choose the other over you and I’m very sorry you had to go through that. What you need to do is stop worrying about anyone else and take care of yourself first. Once you have the emotions under control, then and only then should you worry about what others think. B/c honestly they weren’t there, nothing can be changed in the past no matter what they think. As far as the guy getting away with it, he obviously didn’t if he is in jail. Like I always say it is never their first and won’t be there last, until they get caught. You have to forgive yourself for not reporting it. More individuals (unfortunately) don’t report than do, so you aren’t the only one. At least he is in jail. I would definitely get some counseling now while you are at the point you want to talk about it and get it out. You can go to rainn.org to find a specialist in your area. You can also check through a local crisis center or EAP plan at work (most large companies have them for free). Do you have a pet? If not adopt a dog or cat and I promise that will help you too. It sounds like you are ready to get help, so stay strong and good luck. Lynn
LikeLike
Lynn.
What am I supposed to do with this?
I was raped a few years ago. I’m okay with it now. The most devastating thing wasn’t the act, but my own behavior. First I let it happen because sometimes I don’t care what happens to me. There’s been quite a few occasions where I’m just there for the ride. I’d be at a party, have a few drinks and it’s like something in me shuts off. I just don’t care anymore. And I think it happens even without the alcohol, sometimes I just don’t care.
Anyway.
Last night, my boyfriend and I were talking and somehow the subject matter of rape came up. It didn’t strike me until later on how sore I was about it. We were talking and it was like I was there again. And once again, it wasn’t the act that bothered me, but my recklessness. I feel like there were one too many parties in college where I drank and let whatever happen happen. I’m not that person anymore, but I guess I’m wrong. That self-loathing person is still in me. And I don’t know.
I want to forget what happened. I want to move on. I don’t know what to do with these memories. When I think back, it’s easy to slip back to that person again. I need to move forward.
What am I supposed to with these events?
My boyfriend said that I must have learned something that night. Perhaps I learned not to be so gullible (inviting a man into my room and expecting him not to take advantage of me)? I don’t know. He can’t tell me what I learned. What I really learned bothers me more than anything else. I hate myself sometimes and I let these things happen. And the amount of senseless blame I can put on myself is really something.
I didn’t learn anything from that night. There’s nothing positive I can take away from the situation. I want to forget. I try to forget, and I’m pretty successful most of the time. When I can’t forget, I wait it out and that works, until rape is somehow brought up again and I’m all pieces again.
Tell me what I’m supposed to take away from these experiences. Or any experience in general. I feel so disjointed, detaching myself from my past because it wasn’t very nice.
LikeLike
thank you so much for your time! It feels really good to know someone is out there that has a shoulder for you on the sad dayz! I have my Husband but he is really getting more and more anger this dayz I feel like I need to watch what I say sometimes. I think at times he gets mads that I dont persue changes hardier but that was the hardiest thing I ever did when I was at the police station I felt like I did something wrong!! I am so scared I am not going to remeber or maybe Im scared I will remeber 2 much? Then The day I went It was Day 3 after the rape I had no emotions I told what I remebered I didnt cry..or nothing just said it but she wanted hardcore details well this is not something you can do! Im sorry I cant I still cant say the words I feel pain I cry hard now but to say that outloud “i cant” she said this is nothing if you cant handle us you wont be able to handle the proscuters. I dont know why I worry about what freakin people who dont even matter think but she rolled her eyes at me so many times like “why are you waisting my time” I just wish she knew how bad I wish I was not there either…because just because I get up and walk out of that police station this pain hasn’t let up. I am Married and spouse knows I had went out that night he didnt know that part he is very angry about that now..He gets mad out of the blue…sometimes I feel like if I would just go file charges he would be ok! But, I dont know this people I know are bad people I know because you dont do that to someone! I know this was a long comment ty…
LikeLike
B.
Let me tell you what you need to get out of all of this, to learn to forgive, mostly yourself. There is not a person out there that hasn’t done something they regret. And I can almost guarantee there is a big percentage of college kids that have done a lot they regret. I’ve done a lot I regret BUT I don’t blame myself for what happened. I use to and I would beat myself up and I finally realized that no matter how much I beat myself up it wasn’t going to change and it was a waste of precious time that I could put towards my healing. So I decided to learn from it, what I mean by that is I now knew what I did and did not want in my future and I did have control over my future. So try to let the past go and learn from your mistakes and forgive yourself b/c no matter what mistakes you made, there is no justification for rape. Everyone makes mistakes but that doesn’t mean we deserved to be raped b/c of our mistakes. I wished I could change the past too, but we can’t so concentrate on what you can change and make good and that is your future. Your rape doesn’t define who you are now nor did it then. It only defines the asshole that took advantage of you and who he is, a rapist. So sit down and really think how you want your future to be and start taking little steps to get there. I think dealing with it, with a professional (one can be found anonymously at rainn.org) and when you learn to forgive yourself you will be able to love yourself and your future. Hope this helps! Stay strong! Lynn
LikeLike
M. Sometimes your spouse is not the best one to talk to. You should definitely keep the lines of communication open but details or any type of in depth conversations are sometimes better left for the professional. A lot of times the spouse takes it too personally and sometimes they put their feelings in front of yours and b/c this is your spouse and care you tend to let their feelings come first. You MUST take care of yourself first, put your feelings first and deal with them. Once you get them in order then you can appropriately deal with your spouse. Another reason to seek a professionals help. Try not to get frustrated with him though, b/c he loves you and he doesn’t know how to deal either. DOn’t go to the police for your husband either, go for you if you can, if not then don’t. It is up to you, but I would definitely ask for a supervisor if I did and explain why and that your were treated insensitively. In fact I would tell ONLY the supervisor that the only reason you thought of NOT reporting is b/c the way they treated you. But unfortunately they are right, the prosecutor will be tough. You will need to remember everything you can, but as far as I’m concerned the quicker you face your demons head on the quicker they go away. Whether or not you face them through going to court or whether you face them by just going to counseling, you need to face them head on and get it over with. Glad I was able to help some. Stay strong! Lynn
LikeLike
I was abducted and raped almost 3 years ago, i am now 16. i reported it but refused to be examined. the case was dropped because of lack of evidence and apparantly, he had an alibi. about a month later, i found out i was pregnant and told my boyfriend what had happened. he helped me get an abortion but was otherwise unsupportive. i needed to talk to someone so i decided to tell my best friend in school. she didn’t believe me and said that she ‘couldn’t imagine that happening’. because of the reactions i got, i decided it would be better not to tell anyone else and just keep it a secret. i used to go to a girls school but i started college a few months ago and now ive started to remember everything all over again, not like i ever forgot it but it was never constantly in my mind. however, college has changed that so much; almost everybody that i know in college is sexually active with their partners and sex is the most common topic of discussion. one night i was feeling very depressed so i decided to talk to a friend of mine and she was very comforting even though i didnt tell her why i was upset. she was very trustworthy so i told her what had happened. she got very angry, but was supportive of me. i never talk about my feelings and emotions to anyone, so i found it very hard to open up to her but over the past three weeks, i have started to disclose more of the story to her. she doesnt come to the same college as me so i havnt seen her at all since i told her, but i found out a couple of night ago that she’s been having problems at home with her parents. i feel really guilty now for making it even worse for her by bothering her with my problems too. she said that she doesnt mind and shes glad that i told her, but it doesnt change the way i feel, i shouldn’t have told her, and now i don’t know what to do. i don’t get along with my parents very much so i can’t tell them, and i really don’t want to speak to a counselor. i know they can really make a difference, but i wouldn’t be comfortable doing that, i dont even know if i would be able to. ive started to get flashbacks of that night and they’re so vivid it feels like its happening all over again. everytime it happens i just break down, they’re too much for me to deal with. i desperately want to tell my friend, but i don’t want to give her even more to deal with than she already has. i feel so helpless, i just wish i could die. i can’t even cry because whenever my parents see they just start screaming at me. i’ve tried so hard to accept it and deal with it, but i feel like i’m fighting a losing battle. I don’t know what to do
LikeLike
SF
To be honest with you, your friends even your family can’t help you b/c they don’t know how to. I wouldn’t feel bad about telling your friend as long as you aren’t expecting her to help you. The only person that can help you is yourself and that is the reason you should go to counseling. If your family and friend haven’t been through rape then they don’t know how to help all they can do is be supportive and that is all you should expect from them. What you aren’t understanding is that you are obviously ready to talk about it and need to talk about it. You need to go to a counselor or therapist and talk to the professional who can help you. A professional isn’t going to make you talk about anything you aren’t ready to talk about, they are there to help you not make it worse. That being said eventually you will have to deal with this and face your demons and it should be with a professional. Facing your demons with a friend is only going to make your friend feel like inadequate b/c she doesn’t know how to help other than listen. If all you want her to do is listen, tell her that. Tell her up front that you don’t expect anything from her other than to listen to you and be your support and that will help her and you. Then get yourself strong enough and go to rainn.org and find a professional in your area and get the help you need before it starts affecting your grades and every other aspect of your life. And if you don’t it will and right now the way it is effecting you is a perfect example. People think they can push it away and not deal but you can’t and the longer you wait to get help the more it will affect your life in a detrimental way. Trust me and read the other posts here and you will see. There is no judgment from a good counselor and you are so ready to get this out. In the meantime, write out your feelings as a release. You don’t have to keep them you can trash them or save them to discuss with the counselor but just write it all out to clear your head. Try before going to bed to help with the nightmares. So please please help yourself and go to rainn.org and get the help you need. Stay strong! Lynn
LikeLike
me and my two friends was at a nightclub one night and by the end of the night one of my friends had gone home with one of the guys that had been hanging around us in the club. We met up the next morning and went home but she didn’t say anything about what happened or what they had got up to. When at home i realised i had left my coat in the cloakroom of the club and really wanted to go back and get it so saw it as an excuse to have another night out. This time it was just me and my friend that had gone back to this guys house the night before. When we arrived at the club we had already had a few drinks but i wasn’t drunk, the man my friend went home with the night before was also there and was flirting with me he kept buying me drinks the last thing i remember of the night is kissing him in the nightclub and him supplying me with strong drinks. Next thing i no i wake up in an unusual bed not knowing how i got there and where i was. I saw him beside me undressed. I was trying to look for my bag which had my phone and other stuff in but couldn’t find it. He woke up and i was so scared because i had no recollection of the night. He started kissing me and touching me but i didnt no what to do because i wasnt sure where i was. He started undressing me and i told him to stop but he wouldn’t. I was trying to wriggle away and shouting get off me but he grabbed my legs and pulled me down on the bed and proceeded to have sex with me while i told him to stop, i couldnt get free as he pinned down my arms. I was so upset and embarassed as i had bled everywhere. Awhile after he told me he was 34, me being only 17 i felt sick. i wanted to get out of there. Once i had found my bag i realised he had turned my phone off to stop anyone contacting me. I put on an act and proceeded to kiss him in hope to get out of there, and it worked at roughly 2 in the aftrenoon i explained i needed to go home so he drove me to where my car was parked. This was less then a year ago now, and i thought i was coping alright but its always with me images come into my head and i feel physically sick. I didn’t report this to the police i just wanted it over and to forget about it even though now i feel guilty as he might have done the same to someone else. I find it hard to communicate with boys sometimes as i have it in my head they are going to hurt me in the same way and they are only interested in one thing. I just want to get on with my life i no its still recent but the memories haunt me and i hate living in fear.
LikeLike
A.
This guy obviously knew what he was doing and yes you are probably right that he will do it again. Unless you can point out the guy through where he lives or hangs out there isn’t much the police can do and even then unless someone else has reported it they won’t have much evidence to go on. However if you know where he lives I would still make a report to the police in case someone else has reported him. That being said let’s concentrate on you now. You really need to seek counseling for this b/c as you can see trying to forget and move on is not working. You can go to rainn.org and find a professional counselor/therapist in your area. You need to face this head on deal with it and then start putting your life back together. It won’t be easy but it won’t be harder than what you are going through now. These counselors won’t judge you and don’t care if you reported it or not so please get some help. You really need to talk to someone and get this out of your head. You will never forget but you will learn to cope and learn how to lead a healthy and happy life again. I would also recommend taking a self defense class to help get your sense of security back. In the meantime of going to counseling try writing out your feelings everyday, no matter what it is, whatever is bothering you write it out as a release. Once you get in the habit of this it should also help you sleep better which is essential in controlling your emotions. I’m so sorry this happened to you but I promise you counseling will help. The longer you wait to get counseling the more it builds up inside so try to go as soon as you can. Stay strong! Lynn
LikeLike
thankyou for your help, its great what your doing, and coming on a sight like this makes you realise your not alone and that there are other sufferers too. thanks again.
LikeLike
I am fifteen years old and male. I recently went through an experience with an eighteen year old male I met in a stupid, unthought out and desperate moment. It happened in September 2008 and since that day, I have not stopped thinking about it – day in and day out. It has completely destroyed my already very hard, very troubled and very traumatic life. I think about it first thing when I wake up, and last thing when I’m trying to sleep. It has gotten to the point where I’m ill, am always tired, stressed, and very very weak – mentally, emotionally and physically.
This was the biggest mistake of my life, I didn’t realise how my previous suffering and pain was so superficial in contrast to this.
I need to talk about this to someone.
I’ve talked to a few friends but nothing, they tell me to forget it and move on.
I’m so sensitive, so emotional and so gentle.
I hope there is someone out there who can help me because the gorgeous little boy who everyone’s always loved and adored is now slowly falling to pieces
LikeLike
Hope,
There are a few things I would like to suggest. First, let the past go because there is nothing you can change about it, therefore thinking about things you can’t change is wasted energy. You won’t forget, no one does, but let the things you can not change go. Turn that energy into how you want your future to be. It is a part of your life now but try to focus on making a better future. Now something immediate you can do is write out your feelings everyday or maybe even every time you get upset. You don’t have to keep them just get it out of your head and on paper. This is an excellent release. You can write about anything you want, good or bad, it doesn’t matter. The other thing you can do which is very important is to seek counseling. Go to rainn.org and see if they have someone close to you. You are so young and impressionable that you need a professional’s help and a friend can’t offer that. Your friends can only support you (or not) but the only person that can help you is yourself and your best bet is with the help of a personal counselor. Let me assure you the feelings you are having are common but absolutely understandably worthy. My point is you are not crazy, you are just need to deal with it with someone that can offer you the write help so it doesn’t control the rest of your life. Your mind and body need this. You should start with rainn.org or also check with some type of crisis center in your area because these places work with the fact that you likely can’t afford counseling because you are a minor. I hope I’ve helped. Stay strong! Lynn
LikeLike
A few months ago I was raped by a “friend”. Since we work for the same company and live in the same small town I have not reported it; I haven’t even told my husband. I have one friend who knows only because she’s forced it out of me. I thought I could forget about it and move on, but it’s been hard lately. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I can’t focus, and I don’t want to do anything. I hate going out in public because I’m always “looking” and expect something bad to happen. I wish I could change how I feel but I can’t. I wish I could just disappear.
LikeLike
H.
I understand completely why you feel this way HOWEVER you can not let this person dictate your life or else HE wins. It is very hard and difficult for you to face what happened to you BUT you need to place the blame and disgust on him. What I mean is stop living in fear of this guy and what he did to you. The best way to do it is to let people that love you know and if you can more importantly let the authorities know. Even if it is too late to collect evidence you can let the HR person at work know and more importantly your husband, Whether or not you want to admit it, it will effect your marriage and it won’t be easy at first but honesty is always the best policy. I don’t know your husband but he probably will get mad and want to hurt him so maybe you should tell the police and your husband at the same time. That being said it is better to deal with your husband being upset at the situation rather than later your husband not trusting you because you felt you couldn’t confide inhim. Get everything uot in the open to the appropriate people so they know you did the right thing and he obviously didn’t. By you keeping a secret it only looks like you have something to hide, then (even though they shouldn’t) it confuses the people that care about you and wonder if there is more to the story. Be blunt, get it out and let the blame lay where it should, on your attacker. Now that being said doesn’t mean they will react the way you hope, but honestly no one every really does. My point is do what is best for you, not your husband or anyone else and the best thing you can do for you is to get the truth out and deal with whatever comes head on. It’s not easy but it is the best way I promise you. And the things that are bothering you deep down that you just can’t tell anyone, write it out as a release so you can function throughout the day. You don’t have to keep it just get it out of your head on paper so you can release it and sleep and function better. We are not programmed to deal with rape so the best thing you can do is take care of yourself first (through counseling with a professional that can help you with your specific concerns) and then once you learn how to deal you will know how to deal with the important people in your life. Go to rainn,org and find a professional counselor in your area. Hope I’ve helped a little. Stay Strong! Lynn
LikeLike
I have just recieved a letter from the procurator fiscal saying they need to speak to me about my statement. I really don think i can go through this I think there is enough evidence against me than for me. I know, i think i know it wasnt me but as ive said before that i thot i was with my gf at some points / i feel like i let them in away and i didnt know. Im scared of hearing what the men have to say I dont think i can handle it. Things i dont understand myself how was i undressed how was i on top of him. i dont kno i can try and say maybe i did it because i knew i was in trouble / i was that drunk i didnt even kno i was awake and i believed i was with my gf but i also think what if the men didnt know that what if i did lead them on . but i just have this huge feeling that it was what drunk me wanted to do but why would i ? i want help myself but i dont feel i deserve it .
LikeLike
It has been 8 years since i was raped. i have dealt with so many things in my life, but this is one thing that i can not deal with. I am now in a loving relationship with a woman, and she knows all about it as i was very open about it in the first months of our relationship. But it is still causing me problems, and sign of sexual relations and i recoil, go running to the hills. i feel like i can’t breath, i am having nightmares again, and they are so vivid i wake up screaming. I do not know what to do or where to start. i hate that this has still got a hold of me over 8 years later…. Please can someone help me?
LikeLike
L.
You have to do what is best for you but the most important thing right now is to stop beating yourself up. Whether or not you go through this with the court don’t ever feel you are not deserving of helping yourself. Have you seen a counselor yet? If you haven’t get in with one immediately and be honest with them and ask them to help you. Either way you have to do what is best for you and getting professional help is what is best right now. Ask if there have been any other charges ever brought against these people b/c if that is the case you probably have a better case than you think. You come first and you need the strength to take care of yourself first. If you haven’t yet go to rainn.org and find a counselor in your area but don’t think you are not deserving. Don’t give up on yourself! Stay Strong! Lynn
LikeLike
L.
There are a few things you need to do. First if you haven’t had counseling please go to rainn.org and they can give you a counselor/therapist in your area that specializes in rape and they typically will work with you financially. Even if you tried counseling before, if you are not in it now you need to be in counseling now, for yourself and for your relationship. Something you can do immediately to help with the nightmares and anxiety is to write out your feelings. Try writing either everyday or at the very least when you get upset or have anxiety. Get all your emotions out of your head and on paper as a release. You can write about anything it doesn’t matter just whatever is bothering you at the time, even if you don’t understand, just get it out. You don’t have to keep it, you can throw it away or you can save it to reflect back on later, like maybe with the counselor, it is up to you. But this should help you sleep better and the more sleep you get the more your emotions are in control. It isn’t easy but the best way to let go of your demons is to face them head on and deal with them to put it behind you. I say this all the time but we as individuals are not hardwired on how to deal with rape so we need to seek professional help, and stop trying to do it on our own. And don’t push yourself to have sexual relations, because until you feel OK that is not where you need to be, and forcing it will only make it worse. It sounds like your girlfriend understands that but if she doesn’t don’t take it too hard just let her know you are trying but in order to have a successful sexual relationship you need to be in the right place. And you want to be in the right place, so go get some counseling and in the meantime start releasing your emotions through writing, I promise it will help. Stay Strong! Lynn
LikeLike
Hi Lynn, I stumbled upon your website and thought I would ask for your advice.
I was raped eight years ago when I was 17. At the time I lived in a house with some friends and one night we had a big party. I met a guy who was a few years older than me and very good looking. We danced and had a lot of fun and I remember being a bit surprised that he was so interested in me. I consider myself pretty average looking and there were much cuter girls around than me. We were both drinking and had smoked some pot during the night. We started making out and went to my room. I had had several one night stands before and it wouldn’t have been such a big deal to have another one. When I asked if he had a condom he said no, but that it would be fine. I wasn’t so wasted that I felt comfortable with having unprotected sex (although it had also happened before) so I tried to slow things down a bit. He kept going, holding me down on the bed. I said “no” several times. It might be hard to believe, but even back then I considered myself a feminist and had actually taken self-defense classes. I tried “bucking” him off which I had learned to do. He was a muscular guy and mostly seemed spurred on by my attempts. I can’t remember when exactly all our clothes came off (if they were already or if it happened at this point). He pushed inside of me and I just laid there. I don’t know why, but I thought that if I didn’t respond he would get sick of it and leave me alone. I never called for help or really tried to make him stop after that. I certainly could have clawed, bit, etc but didn’t. He came inside of me and then we just laid there for a while. He lit a cigarette that I shared with him, he got up and got dressed and wrote his phone number on a piece of paper. Looking back everything felt kind of absurd, not at all like the rapes I had heard about before. The next day, my friends all knew I had sex with him and were joking around. I played it off like it meant nothing to me, just another lay. I think I felt that because people had this idea of me sleeping around, they would just think that I was trying to get attention. I never went to the police either.
Long story short, two months later, I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. Maybe because I was involved in a lot of destructive behavior with more sex, drugs, and drinking I had a miscarriage only a week after I took the test. I somehow graduated from high school, but after that I moved abroad and kept doing things that were bad for me including having a lot of sex with different guys, most of them I never got close to.
Four years ago I met my current husband. He was an eyeopener for me. He was the first man to actually treat me right and steared me on the right path. I am now almost done with my BA and have a very calm and secure life. Although the rape happened many years ago, I still get a strange feeling in my stomach sometimes when having sex, feel like I want to throw up when watching movies with rape themes, have anger issues etc. I have told my husband the basics of the rape and he has been very understanding although I don’t think he actually understands. Only one of my friends knows about it and she knows very little. She was also raped a few years later under much more horrific circumstances which made the anger come back, but also caused me to feel as if my experience was insignificant compared to hers. It made it even weirder to talk about it and actually pulled us apart.
I am getting to a point in my life where I am thinking of having children and I want to be sure that I have myself sorted out first. This is the first time I have ever written this down. It was a strange feeling.
Thanks in advance for your help on what I can do to come to terms with what happened.
LikeLike
M
Just so you know rape is rape no matter how severe the circumstances are or not. Which is why you still have emotions about it and why it affects you the way it does because it is not insignificant! I’m glad your husband is understanding but he doesn’t know how to help other than be supportive, which is OK but sometimes the other person who loves you feels inadequate b/c they can’t help more. I would suggest you to go to a counselor or therapist and get professional help just to make sure you are emotionally ready for your future. I would also suggest writing out your feelings as a release when you are bothered by something. You don’t need to keep it or share it just write it down to get the emotions out of your head and onto paper. Another thing I want you to do is really believe deep down that you did nothing wrong, even not fighting back more. You went into survival mode and didn’t know if this guy could or would hurt you more. I have counseled so many people that got through the rape by going along with it because it scared the crap out of them. And if a person is capable of rape, they are capable of doing worse, especially when drugs and alcohol are involved. This guy raped you and totally took advantage of the situation and you did what you did b/c you didn’t know what else he was capable of. Even smoking the cigarette with him afterwards, you were still in survival mode and most likely shock of what had just happened and not to mention very confused by the feelings you were having. This is totally understandable and common with acquaintance rape. That is why these types of guys do it sometimes b/c they are betting you won’t go to the police b/c they say you wanted it too and it wasn’t rape, when that isn’t the case at all. They know it is hard to convict especially when other people have seen the way the two of you were acting before the rape happened. So you need to let that go. It totally wasn’t you or your actions it was him knowing what he was doing and taking advantage of you at a young impressionable age. I really think you should seek counseling so they can help with the specific situations that occur and it really helps to be able to talk about it with someone that specializes in rape. You can go to rainn.org and find a specialist near you. Your husband will feel better too b/c he knows you will be getting the help that he can’t provide. But in the meantime, when something stirs those feelings inside write it out as a release. You might even want to consider taking those notes to the counselor for discussion. You seem very strong and like you have control of your life again so don’t let this tear it apart. You know we are not wired as individuals to deal with rape so don’t beat yourself up that it is still bothering you. Go to counseling and get the help you need to put this behind you so you can have a wonderful new future. Thank your husband for being your rock and let him know that you don’t expect him to heal you, just support you. You will only heal as much as you help yourself and it seems like you really want to, so don’t hesitate anymore and get the help you deserve! And remember it wasn’t your fault! Stay strong! Lynn
LikeLike
Hi,
I just found your site and decided to ask for some advice. I was “raped” three years ago by my boyfriend. I was a freshmen in college and rediculously naive I guess you could say. I say “raped” because of the type of sex he forced me to have, it humiliates me to no end. I know i should be able to say it after all this time but i find it very hard, it wasn’t oral or vaginal lets just leave it at that. I had had sex with him many times before, so I guess it was implied that I would have sex with him again, but never that way, i had always made it clear to him that i would NEVER under any circumstances do it that way. Another reason for the “” is that i was drinking, i had a buzz and i had decided to leave, thats when he grabbed me and threw me on the bed. I said no more than once but he didn’t stop, and then he well you get the picture. I have told my friend at the request of my old counselor and i regret doing so, she made me feel horrible about it. I “shouldn’t have been drinking, maybe i was sending him the wrong signals, are you sure he heard you when you said no?” i didn’t think it would ever end, she even said he was probably gay and you just couldn’t satisfy him. I couldn’t believe it but it didn’t help that most of those (other than the gay comment) i had been thinking myself. I also hate myself for the fact that i didn’t fight, he threw me on the bed and i just stayed in the position he put me in, saying no, and then I guess i blacked out, I know it wasn’t from the alcohol, but i remember him hurting me and it seemed like forever then when it was still happening i just black out and the next thing i know i’m laying on the bed and he’s on the computer. I am completly sober and i asked him what happend, why would he do that, and he says he and his friends ran a train on me (I hope you know what that means because i can’t bring myself to type it). I don’t remember his friends so i’m pretty sure he was lying but it still scared me. I left and I went back to my dorm. I went straight to the bathroom and everything seemed unreal, i realize then that i’m bleeding pretty badily and its like i could feel the pain then, and it hurt so bad but I don’t remember what happend after that clearly, i don’t really remember anything clearly for about three days. I guess the reason I’m saying this is because I want to know if thats normal, whats wrong with me that nobody not even my friends realized what had happend to me, i didn’t act like a “typical” rape victim. I don’t know I’m sorry this is so long. I have never told the whole story like that, I guess i just don’t understand it. I didn’t really start even dealing wiht what happend until last year, i have tried counseling but I get so ashamed of myself I can never tell them what happend, i can never use the words. I guess I wasted all your time just so I can ask some advice about how I can get help. I am a horrible client, I don’t talk easy and I often feel like an idiot because I have a hard time expressing myself when i do, i think I actually annoy the therapist, I have been to three and none have been able to help and I know its my fault but its frustrating, I want to be a good client, i want to get help but i can’t and I don’t know what is blocking me. I am also wondering why it took me so long to react to what happend, that can’t be normal, i feel like there is somthing wrong with me and I should be over it by now. I was the one who dated the abusive psycho, i was the one who was drinking, i was the one who didn’t fight back, and yet i can’t find it in me to move on. Any advice you have would be great. Thanks for your time.
LikeLike
Thank you!
LikeLike
J. The first thing you need to do is let go of your shame. You have got to start thinking and better yet realizing this was not your fault. Not that you dated him, bc if you knew he was going to do that to you I’m sure you wouldn’t have, right? Second that you were drinking with him, many many people drink but that doesn’t mean they are opening themselves up for rape. It’s Ok that it is difficult to deal with or talk about, it is very hard for all of us, which is why I have this website. Almost every single person I talk to I beg them to go to counseling bc they too feel it is too difficult to deal with so stop thinking you are a bad client. I praise you for the effort you have put into trying to seek help, that in itself means you can’t give up. You are ready and trying to overcome this horrific experience. But the first thing you need to do in order to be able to open up is to NOT BE ASHAMED. Once you accept that he deserves this shame and humility you will be able to open up bc you didn’t deserve or ask for this. So once you believe it then it won’t be as difficult bc you are putting the blame on the right person. Once you feel you didn’t do this they did this to you, most get mad then really want to vent and open up, which is good. So don’t give up on the counseling. If you want a new one you can always go to rainn.org and they can tell you one that specializes in rape in your area. Another exercise you can do to try to loosen up to talking about it is write out your feelings when something happens that is upsetting you. Write out what happened to you on paper as a release and a prelude to trying to come to terms and discuss it. You don’t have to keep the notes or you can choose to keep it and take it to the counselor as a way of communication. Either way it will help you deal with it better. One other thing is don’t worry about what others think bc you can’t control them and they weren’t there. It is sad that some react the way they do but you can’t let them make things worse for you, just distance yourself and take that energy for your personal healing. Once you have control over it better you will be able to deal with how others react and accept that it is their own ignorance that they choose to act he way they do. Put yourself first mentally and physically, then you can choose (or not) to deal with others later. I hope I’ve helped! Stay strong! Lynn
LikeLike
Thank you so much Lynn. Everything you said made sense, I haven’t even thought about that the reasons for me not fighting back were valid. It scares me to think that this guy might have done the same thing to other girls, but it does make sense. I am working on taking the next step to counseling now. Thanks again!
LikeLike
I got raped when I was 16 by my boyfriend. I am now almost 30. SInce then I have hid the fact that I was raped from my family and my close friends. I was married to a man who abused me, which I got the courage to leave. Now I am remarried. My current husband knows everything that has happened to me and he is a great man. Over the past few years the rape has came back to haunt me. It has gotten to the point that it has started to affect our sex life. He is always afraid he is going to “trigger ” something. I can see how much it hurts him when he does trigger some bad memeories. I know that he will never do anything to hurt me at all. I have tried to went to couseling but I have problems talking about what happened but I clamm up or the perosn I am seeing doesn’t really do anything to help me. I recently went to get an annual exam done and I had an anxiety attack and got sick just thinking of it. I am not sure what to do next, I know I need to do something before the past ruins my marriage.
LikeLike
R.
You need to talk about it and get out your feelings. I don’t know how many times I have heard this, that someone just pushes it away and thinks it will go away, it never happens. Until you face it head one and deal with it it will always be your shadow and you can never outrun your shadow. As much as I know it is hard to tlak to a counselor you really need to, especially for your marriage. Go to rainn.org to see if you have a counselor in your area that specializes in rape. In the meantime, I want you to write out your feelings every time you get upset. This is an excellent release to just get the feelings out of you and on paper. Then I want you to take what you have written to the counselor, this will help you when you clam up. The counselor will also know exactly what is bothering you and help you deal with your trigger points. Another thing to do with your husband is make a safe list for sex, if you haven’t done that already. Tell him exactly what is OK and what is not. It doesn’t have to be permanent just until you are able to deal better. I’m glad you told your husband and glad he is so good to you, but he is not the person to open up about it. All that will do is put more strain because he won’t know how to help you, and guys hate to feel helpless especially when it comes to their wives. Only you can help yourself by finding a good counselor and dealing with it head on. It won’t be easy but it sure will get you on the road to recovery sooner than later and a better marriage. Stay strong, Lynn
LikeLike
Heyy Lynn. I posted a couple times a while back. My first post was on January 23, 2009 if you need to reread it.
I am doing better than I was. I am trying hard to keep going and keep looking forward to things like you told me. I feel like I should be over it by now though…I mean it happened 2 years ago…over 2 years. Shouldnt I not be breaking down like i do?? To throw some more issues into my life, my boyfriend just broke up with me. He has some of is own family issues to deal with and I respect that. He says that it’s just not the right time and he can’t be what I need right now. But for the first time in forever I felt happy when I started dating him. And for a while I wouldnt let him in. When he asked why I would tell him that he was gonna be like everyone else and eventually bail out and me…and I’m trying to be sympathetic and strong but I can’t help being mad at myself for trusting him. I feel like I’m right back when I started…trusting someone and feeling worthless when they let you down. When I was raped, I trusted someone…two people…and they raped me. They took who I was away…They took my life away and since then, I feel like I cannot catch a break. I hate them so much for what they did, and honestly sometimes I want to die because I can’t figure out a reason for me to keep pushing. I am so tired…and exhausted…and I hurt so much…I just want to be to the point where I am okay.
And another thing that I just never talked about when I was with my boyfriend, i wasn’t ready to do anything sexual…after I last talked to you…we talked about it and I felt I was ready but really wanted to go slow. He understood and told me to just say stop if I was uncomfortable and he would stop immediately…before anything really happened I had a panic attack because I was so scared…After I calmed down I told him that I wanted to try again. He asked if I was sure and I said yes so we tried again…for the first time I felt what “making love” was supposed to feel like. It wasn’t just sex…it was more than that…and I felt feelings I didn’t know I could feel. All of the sudden I felt terrified and I started crying and he got off of me and said “what whats wrong?” I said nothing and that I would be right back and went to the bathroom. I started crying uncontrollably and felt sick to my stomach. My Boyfriend waited outside the door asking if I was okay and if I needed anything…For about thirty minutes we sat like that – him on the other side of the door and me crying on the floor of the bathroom…eventually I had calmed down enough for him to come in. He helped me put my clothes back on because I was so weak from crying…I just kept apologizing telling him I was sorry. It was like as soon as I started feeling those good feelings of sex I felt guilty like that I shouldnt feel those feelings and that sex should not be enjoyable and I wsa terrified of it…I remember thinking that if B knew I had enjoyed sex he would be mad….
I don’t know what all that was about…wanted your opinion if you have time. Thanks for listening.
LikeLike
C.
Let me start by saying you are never really “over it”. It is just something you learn how to deal with the rest of your life. As far as your boyfriend, it is best to know now than later if he can’t handle it. And as far as the sex goes, you should be able to enjoy it again. This has to happen on your own terms and the fact that you had an anxiety attack is OK. What is not OK is if you aren’t ready and you are just going through the act to please someone else. If you genuinely thought you wanted to do it for you and you tried then that is OK. Even if you had the attack it is OK because you are trying, just make sure it is for you and not anyone else. Are you going to counseling? Because if not you are just making it harder on yourself and your future. If you are then that is excellent. Stop worrying about tomorrow or your ex and just concentrate on you and today. Don’t expect anything, so you won’t be let down. Just concentrate on the good and the good is that you were able to have those good feelings again, even if for only a minute. Don’t feel guilty of being pleasured. Rape and making love are two separate things and keep them that way in your mind. Also, tell yourself that you are deserving, probably even more now after what you have been through. Are you writing out your feelings when you get upset as a release so they aren’t brewing inside of you??? If you are think about taking those notes to the counselor so you can get specific ideas for your situation. Don’t give up, I never said it was easy, but it is obtainable. Stay strong! Lynn
LikeLike
Well I just wanna know how I am suppose to get over everything on what had happened to me. I had gone through a lot when I was a sophomore in high school. I had been hanging out with the wrong crowed like a lot of people would say to me but then I always thought I could trust the guys I would hang out with. One of the days when hanging out at one of the guys houses they had drugged my drink when I went to the bathroom which I had realized the next day when waking up the next morning not knowing how I got home. At first I did not realize what was going on but then I felt really in a lot of pain. I stayed there in bed for awhile and having these pictures pop in my head, I had realized I had been raped. I did not remember everything from that night but to this day I still have those images in my head on what had happened. The next 2 weeks or so I kept everything a secret from everyone, I felt so horrible about myself. Then I started getting really sick, I had taken a pregnancy test which came out positive . I had no idea what I was suppose to do after that, I was really scared. But I finally told one of my good friends from work who had been through abortions and getting pregnant so I thought I could trust her. At that time she was 25 so I felt she knew on what I could do for myself. I ended up getting an abortion which I was really scared to do. After all that I had gotten really crazy and started becoming a worse person then I was before and sleeping with guys and messing around because I felt it would make me feel better because I got to choose to have sex not forced to. I don’t know if that is weird or not but for some reason I felt it would help me, but it didn’t, it ended up making me feel worse about myself. Now though I am a senior and I felt I was over it but my boyfriend really wants me to get some help. Every so often I start crying and really feeling horrible about everything. I feel I have gotten a lot better after meeting my boyfriend because he has helped me in so many ways on making me feel good about myself but he still thinks I should talk about it and get help. It’s the crying that upsets him because he doesn’t know what to do, and really I don’t either. I really wanna leave all of it behind me but I don’t know how to let it go. Can you help me?
LikeLike
E. I’m so glad that you have a supportive boyfriend and are feeling better about yourself. And he is right, you do need to go to counseling. Unfortunately, you can’t just get over it and forget about it BUT you can learn how to deal with it. I think one of your biggest issues is you are blaming yourself for what happened. The first step in healing is excepting and truly believing that it was not your fault. It doesn’t matter where you were or what you were doing, you did not ask to be raped. Someone did this to you, you did not do this to yourself. Also, this is just something that happened to you, it does not define you as a person. It is understandable how you reacted afterwards before you were terrible confused and young. Everyone reacts differently but rarely in a good way so stop beating yourself up. You were trying to cope but didn’t know how and just desperately trying to feel normal again. The only way to feel the best you can is to release the guilt, because it doesn’t belong to you, it belongs to the person that did this to you. I know it isn’t that easy which is why you need to go to counseling. Your boyfriend can only help you in a way of support, he can’t possibly help you recover from this, nor can you do it by yourself. We are just not wired to know how to deal with rape. Please go to rainn.org and try and find a counselor in your area who specializes in rape. The best way to learn to deal with it so you can move on to a healthier happier life is to face it head on, deal with your trigger points and understand and truly believe it wasn’t your fault. It’s OK to accept and get help. It isn’t easy but it doesn’t sound like the last couple years has been easy either so why not try counseling? In the meantime, something you can do when you get upset is write out your feelings. You don’t have to keep it when you are done, you can throw it out or shred it but just get it out of your head as a release. You might even want to take it to the counselor and share it so they can help with specific issues and trigger points. Tell your boyfriend “thank you” for me for being there for you. I hope that I’ve helped! Stay strong! Lynn
LikeLike
Hi, I learned last night that my fiance was raped by a man that her roommate let spend the night in their apartment on Friday. They know very little about the guy other than his first name and she showered in the morning and never contacted anyone for help. She is currently very confused and upset and I have no idea what to do! I love her very much yet I live four states away from her. She is in her last year of college and is going to relocate here after she graduates. I am heading to see her tomorrow, that was the quickest I could make it and she says that she needs my company. I also looked into rape hotlines and therapy offices in the area. She has not mentioned anything about seeking counseling but I think that she should get it and not let this sit on her chest. I am not going to attempt to force it on her at all, but I want her to know that the help is out there. I am just losing my mind over this being that I never thought I would have to worry about something like this in our relationship. I am trying my best to stay calm and talk to her about what she wants to talk about but it is getting harder to hold back my emotions. I haven’t even cried while on the phone with her because I don’t want her to feel like she did something wrong in telling me. She said she was afraid to in the first place thinking that I would be mad or think she was cheating on me. I know these are normal reactions to this and stayed calm reassuring her that I love her very much and still want to marry her. Well, these are the steps that I have taken thus far and am fairly certain she doesn’t want me to talk to others about this being that she confided in me only. I was simply wondering if there is anything else I can do, or if I am doing something wrong. The last thing I want is to lose her and I just want to be her rock to lean on no matter what happens.
Thanks for any response you are able to give.
LikeLike
P. Sorry for the delay as I was out of town on business yesterday. First let me tell you that so far you are doing everything right and how lucky she is to have you. Not a lot of guys in your situation act the way you are and it is to be commended! The one thing you need to make sure that you continue to do is put her feelings before yours. Most victims are more concerned with their partners/friends/families feelings than they are there own. I’m not saying your feelings don’t matter because they do just let her focus on her own feelings first. She definitely will need to talk to a professional because all you can really do it support her in her healing process. She will not be able to recover on her own and if she thinks she can just push it deep down and try and forget, it never happens, never. And the longer she waits to get help the longer it will take for her to heal, I promise you that. Go to rainn.org and they can tell you someone in the area that specializes in rape and try to get her to go asap. You are right though you can’t push her, she will have to go on her own time. In the meantime, be very patient and listen. Don’t ask her too many details and don’t ever say “what if”. There is no answer she can give you that will change anything so it doesn’t matter. Just help her with her sense of secuirty, get her some pepper spray to keep with her at all times. Maybe encourage her within time to take a self defense class and love her more now because she was able to tell you. Make her understand this does not define her as a person, it only defines the person that did this to her. This usually makes a relationship stronger or tears it apart, so you make sure it makes it stronger. It will be difficult I’m not gonna lie, so whether or not she goes to counseling, you should too. We as individuals are not wired to know how to deal with this, which is why both of you need to go (not together) in order to keep your relationship good. Show her this site, not to write (unless she wants) but to review the pages on ways she can help herself. Give her space whens she needs it and be there for her when she needs you. She is going to go through all the stages you go through when someone dies, because a part of her has died. This is a part of her now but she can get through it and she can be happy again, but only as much as she helps herself through professional counseling. If it starts to affect her grades, she might want to consider talking to an advisor at school to let them know what is going on too. I hope I’ve helped. Stay strong! Lynn
LikeLike
hi,
i think it is a very nice thing you are doing here, providing much needed support to those that need it.
well the same thing happen to my girl, and she was pregnant.
we got an abortion and we are now trying hard to not let it bother us and try to be happy.
however, there is one thing that bothers me. in cases such as this, is it often that no charges is pressed against the assailant? because sometime, i felt closure is not possible because this monster was not punished. and at times i fell a deep desire for revenge.
LikeLike
Z.
Thank you for the kind words! And yes, unfortunately there are more rapists that are not legally punished than are, for a lot of different factors. But what gets me through is that they will one day have to answer to God. And the fact that I believe in karma. What you need to do is try to believe that and maybe it will help with the anger. Just know the anger isn’t helping anyone and let God handle it. Take that frustration and turn it into trying to move forward instead of letting it eat you up inside. Easier said than done, trust me I know. But the more you focus on revenge, that is just one more day the rapist is controlling your life. He already took enough away from your girl and you, don’t let him have another minute,because he doesn’t deserve it. Next time you get frustrated, turn the moment around by doing something special for your girl even if it is a big hug or buy her flowers. That way you are making things better for both of you despite what happened. Thanks for caring enough about your girl and sticking by her! You are a special person and I know she thinks so too! Hope I’ve helped. Stay strong! Lynn
LikeLike
On Halloween of last year I had an incident with a fraternity boy at my college. I was completely blacked out and sexual intercourse took place. I am unaware if I was unconcious but I don’t remember any of the event nor ever seeing this boy that night even. He was a “friend” of mine so he admitted to what happened but I don’t feel he disclosed many events of the evening. Since this has all happened I have had very many realistic dreams of me saying no, him using force, etc. but of course these details (if they are in fact true) were not disclosed to the student conduct officer.
The result of all of this is that he was put on probation at school (I did not press charges) and had a few other things he had to do but nothing that felt I constituted justice to this violation. Am I allowed to in fact call this rape? I personally feel that I have been a victim of rape and my life has been disrupted severely. I took a leave of absence from school after and attempt to take my own life and am now in counseling and on medication. I Still blame myself for what happened because I let myself get so intoxicated and I feel that other people feel the same way by the “punishment” the boy received from school to how people in my college community have treated me since.
I need someone, anyone, to tell me that i’m not crazy and this infact not my fault and that I was raped and I need to be a ble to believe that somehow.
Thanks in advance for your response.
T
LikeLike
i know this sounds nut’s but i have no one to go to it’s been 3 years now i have talked to some people about this but i have never turned it in, i think it is to late now but i don’t no what to do because i am always depressed, lonely, heartbroken, i have flashbacks so much it’s not funny. i had a best friend who tryed to help me out but just telling the story made them feel the pain. my cousin knows about it but she says that i wanted to happen even tho i didn’t. she said i was moaning but i told her i was moaning from the pain, we where drinking and the guy knew what he was doing but i didn’t i don’t rember how my clothes got off, there’s part’s that i can’t remember. i think theres a chance that somthing got sliped in my drink but i don’t realy know.i don’t no what to do cause it’s been 3 years and i can’t make it go away. is there any thing to do?
LikeLike
T. Two things #1) stop worrying about what other people feel b/c know one knows but you #2) Stop blaming yourself, until you do you won’t start to truly heal. I think it is rape, especially with the dreams of saying no. For the record, when a person takes advantage of an intoxicated it is rape! But that is why a lot of people get off from the charge. NOT that that is acceptable, but a fact. Which is why it happens a lot b/c they know it is hard to prove. But you are doing the right thing by getting counseling, don’t give up on it! If you feel like you aren’t getting anywhere then go to rainn.org and find a specialist on rape in your area. As far as the guy goes, at least it was reported, even if the punishment didn’t fit the crime. He will still have to answer to God and karma, so let that give you peace. What you need to do is totally take care of yourself and DON’T let him control you any more! With an attempt of your life you are letting him win. If you try to stop thinking about changing the past or if you would have done this (which is why you feel guilty) and start thinking about your future and not let this define you, you will start to heal. You did nothing wrong. Think about it, because people get intoxicated does that justify rape, NO! so stop looking back and start looking at the future and don’t let him steal another precious moment of your life. Take baby steps just to get through today. Don’t worry about tomorrow or next week, just do something positive today that helps build your future and try to let go of the past. Nothing good will come of harping on the past that you can not change. Stay in counseling and do one thing every day that makes you happy. Between counseling sessions, write out your feelings when you are upset as a release. You can trash them or take them to the counselor to discuss, but just get the thoughts out of your head to help sleep. The more sleep you get the better you will feel. Stay strong and focus on you! Lynn
LikeLike
J.
There are several things you can do. First stop listening to others b/c they don’t now, they weren’t there. Second, there are people you can turn to that can help and will understand. Go to rainn.org and find a counselor who specializes in rape in your area and go as soon as possible. Your friends can not help you because they don’t know how to. All they can do is support you and it sounds as if some of them aren’t even doing that. Listen we as individuals are not wired on how to deal with rape so unless you have been through it or professionally trained to deal with it no matter how hard they try they just won’t get it. And no matter how hard you try to deal with it yourself, you can’t do it either, as you obviously know for trying it that way for the past three years. Unfortunately, you are probably right there isn’t anything you can do to prosecute because they would need evidence and unless you have some just that isn’t going to happen. People that do this know that it is hard to prove anyway which is why they take advantage of girls drinking or possibly put things in there drinks, they know it is your word against theirs. So my suggestion is to try your best to let go of that and concentrate on getting yourself better. You absolutely have someone to turn to and you are not alone. Please go get help at rainn.org and if you are feeling alone read through some of the posts here as well as some of my suggestions on healing and I truly think it will make you feel better. Remember you will only heal as much as you put the effort in doing so WITH the right people. You can do it and you deserve it. Stay strong! Lynn
LikeLike