1) Sexual Assault (whether from someone you knew or a stranger):
Rape is an act of physical and sexual violence done to gain power and control. It is not a sexual act or act of passion. Approx. 80% of rapes involve non-physical force, just the verbal threat of injury or threat with a weapon. They use just enough force via mentally or physically to gain submission and then the aggression continues once they have submission. In many cases there are no bruises or physical injury to indicate rape because the rapist doesn’t want to leave evidence and make it harder on the victim to prove. Approx 71% of all rapes the attack is planned by trapping the victim, which occurs in date rape, aquaintance rape, or gang rape. Approx. 11% of rapes are partially planned. This occurs when the rapist realizes that the victim is in a vulnerable position, such as burglaries turning into rape. Also, rape most often occurs in the home of the victim.
2) Submissive Rape:
This is the most unrecognized and least talked about of all rapes. It is also very common because when some victims become so terrified they go into survival mode by staying as calm and figure out the best possible way to get out of the situation, even if that is to temporarily “mentally check out” of the physical act happening. If it happens to be a stranger, submissive rape is common because the victim doesn’t know if this person is capable of killing or not. Most victims of submissive rape feel this was their weakness and unfortunately usually have to answer to the people they’ve confided in and explain why they did what they did, when at the time they don’t understand themselves. Let me tell you, this is a strength not a weakness because the victim did what they had to do to get out of the situation, still alive (even though it doesn’t feel like it). You had to save yourself the only way you knew you could at the time.
Then there is submissive rape with someone you know, even possibly a husband, boyfriend or maybe an ex. This type of rape is very controversial because it is their word against yours and you may have even had consensual sex before. This is also the most common type of rape amongst married people and couples since they are hardly ever reported because they think no one will believe them. It is all about control, not you, remember – rape is rape is rape.
3) Drug-facilitated rape:
I can give some personal insight on this since it happened to me twice in my life. The first time I didn’t know what happened. Didn’t tell anyone and thought I must of blacked out and stayed in denial. Years later I realized what happened to me and dealt with both rapes. Drug facilited rapes are in rampage everywhere from your typical clubs and house parties to your neighborhood restaurants. It can be a stranger to someone you thought you knew or trusted. Their line (if you catch or know them) is always, “I thought you wanted it”! This type of rape is also rarely reported because it takes the victim a while to remember if they ever do. Their minds are so cloudy they aren’t sure what happened. So because they can’t remember all the details or are listening to someone else tell their side of the story they feel they don’t have a case against their rape. My best advice for individuals that aren’t sure of the exact circumstances, believe your gut instincts, because they are typically right. You may not be to account for every detail but a person knows when they have been violated. Just take solice in knowing that you will never have to re-live it. That was the one positive thing that I focused on. Instead of trying to figure out what happened to me, like if I’m all over the internet and how many people assaulted me (I had 7 lesions in my uterus), I focused on the fact that I will never have to re-live my rape. You should still try and get some type of counseling or have an outlet to let out your feelings, no matter what they are. This type of rape leaves a lot to the victims imagination, and the victim might think the worst. Every victim of drug-facilitated rape must remember no matter what the circumstances were..
Dealing with Rape 
Is it rape if you intended to make love but the guy is too hard during foreplay like leaving bruises after you struggled and repeatedly and said stop I don’t want to do it this way. But then you decide to regain control of the situation and refuse the role of the victim, and turn around and show him what hard sex is. You didn’t want to ruin the night, because it was planned. He was shaking he was so nervous when he was getting ready to start getting close. We had sex in the morning consentually, because I was not going to play the victim and wanted to make the best of it. He stopped communicating after a couple weeks citing his depression and lack of a job (he just finished his PhD at Stanford).. He contacted me a couple of times to “see how i was doing” and asked to be friends.He swears he was sorry that he left bruises where I told him to stop repeatedly and I continued so he’d stop where he was hurting me.. He asked me if I was trying to be very hurtful when I later told him that part of me thought it was rape. I don’t think about the incident even every month, but I am not interested in sex like I used to be. I try to think that I did have a romance with him. I forgive him. And I can’t have anything to do with him, because I love my current bf of three years. Why he did it or just plain over did it, because of his sense of inadequacy still makes me wonder. Was that date rape or almost? Thank you for your time, and your help for all.
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Jane Doe, if you intended on having sex but just stopped because it was too rough (maybe he was inexperienced or that was the only way he knew) to only start again to show him how you like it and then had sex again the next day, then no that is not date rape. If he forcefully against your will it would be, this just sounds like he is inexperienced. Lynn
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this guy i talked to asked to hang out with me and i said yes because he’s older and has a car and job. it was going okay and he got weed but i noticed he only had 3-5 hits and i had way more? then he pulled into a parking lot and started kissing me which i was okay with but then he started touching my and i would move his hand away and say no but he’d continue to whatever he was doing but i couldn’t find the energy to stop anything. i feel very uncomfortable when people bring him up around me or when i think about it i also get uncomfortable. is this rape? it happened last month and i don’t think i should report it because he’s going to med school soon
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C. Yes if he forced himself on you it is absolutely rape. Why are you putting his feelings, concerns, life over your? You are more valuable than this person will ever be if he is going around doing this to women. Not turning him in means he gets away with it and what scares me is that he most likely will do it again. Maybe not to you but if you are in his circle of friends, don’t be. Stay away and make sure you are protected and never go anywhere near him again. If you have some type of evidence maybe reconsider turning him in. If you do just tell the police that you were scared and that’s why you waited. If you don’t still consider counseling because these feelings don’t just “go away”. So take care of yourself and the sooner you get counseling the easier it gets! Stay strong! Lynn
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Hi,
Many thanks for posting this.
I was initially very confused and afraid to report an incident that occurred to me as 1) the guy was someone I thought to be a friend 2) I agreed to go up to his house and so I was not sure whether a rape case could be made out of it.
I had told him No several times and pushed him away and yet he kept forcing himself on me. Even as this was happening, I very bizarrely (in retrospect) thought I would continue to have a friendship with him so I did not want to make things awkward for later so I did not put up as much of a fight as I now know I should have. I did not know that “submissive rape” existed.
I feel slightly better now knowing that it has happened to others too and that I am not alone.
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(I’m 16) I met this guy on a cruise and we were hanging out in a group of friends, and it became late so everyone went to their rooms but him and I weren’t tired so we went to the top deck to hangout. We had pizza and were just laying there talking when he asked “If we hook up would you tell anyone?” And of course, I said I wouldn’t, but in my head i was thinking kissing. (That was the farthest i had ever been with a guy) So we were kissing and he convinced me to give him oral. It was really hard for me to do so i stopped and he got on top of me and started kissing me, I enjoyed his company and he made me have butterflies, so i let him. Then he pulled a condom out of his pocket and i told him no and that i was a virgin and wasn’t comfortable with it. He said he understood and continued to kiss me, and then like 5 minutes later he had my wrists held above my head and was having sex with me. I never thought to say stop during, but I thought that the crying and saying Ow should have been enough for him to realize I wasn’t happy and that he should of stopped. Is what happened rape? Or did he have full rights to do what he did. The only reason I’m asking now, is because i’m in fear that i’m pregnant, i’ve been throwing up and have been having cramps and i’m spotting. I can’t deal with this. I can’t tell my parents. And i need someone to talk to
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L. This is definitely rape because you told him no. If you think you might be pregnant I’m assuming he did not use the condom, probably because you told him you were a virgin. I would try and go to a health clinic to get checked, not only for pregnancy but also for any other STD’s if he didn’t use the condom. While there I would also ask if they offer rape counseling. And please be honest with the doctor, whether or not you decide to tell your parents. God forbid if you are pregnant you can discuss all your options at the health clinic as well. If they don’t offer rape counseling (should be free by the way) please call your local crisis center and tell them what happened and if they offer rape counseling. If they don’t I’m sure they can refer you to who does. I would also consider telling your parents because they are more apt to believe you now. The longer you wait or especially if the first time you tell them is when you are telling them you are pregnant, sometimes they think the rape is an excuse because you had sex. I’ve heard about this happening so often. So if you tell them about the rape first and ask for their help to get counseling and to see a doctor they are more apt to believe you and help and support you. Stay strong! Lynn
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I have a question, I had this friend and he had a homecoming party at his house and I (im a girl) was invited along with a few other girls. We were all drinking and smoking weed and I went to bed early because I was tired and also things were turning sexual and I wasn’t into that. A few days later I figured out that my friend had been sober when he had sex with a drunk girl at the party. I didn’t know how to approach the situation at all and did not know how to bring it up nor did our girl friend and he apparently felt horrible about it when he figured that out so I continued being friends with him despite me knowing it was rape and I did not at all think it was ok by any circumstance. I also talked about it to another female friend who was there and she said she thought that he had been drunk too so at the time I was not sure what the actual story was because I hadn’t been awake, but now I know that just because both people are drunk doesnt always mean there wasn’t rape. Does me being friends with him at the time despite me knowing this mean I supported him? I didn’t see him as a good person or excuse his actions, but does that mean anything if I didn’t drop him as a friend? I felt like I would have got backlash if I did and I was very confused and didn’t know what to do. A few months later I was also taken advantage of (not raped) by the same guy friend when he was sober and I was wasted, though I wanted it while under the influence i know that drunk people can’t consent to sober people. This was three months ago and I still feel disgusted and violated, but im not afraid of people touching me like the first time I was sexually assaulted by someone else. Does this still make my trauma valid? And what can I do to get these embarrassing memories out of my mind?
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NT Your trauma is still valid and it doesn’t mean you supported him it just means you made a bad decision to remain friends with him. Let me explain, this guy obviously knew what he was doing. I’m sure it wasn’t the first or the last time because HE GETS AWAY WITH IT! Rape is not about the victim it is about control. When they can get away with it, it most likely happens again because they have control. The only way for them to loose control is when someone tells. And since no one has he will continue which is why he tried with you. That unfortunately is a perfect example. A lot of the times they will go back to the same person because again they got away with it once with that person so they do it again. So hopefully you are far away from this guy. If not get some protection like pepper spray or a stun gun. Considering taking a self defense class. Most importantly take care of yourself because again your trauma is valid and you need counseling. Stay strong! Lynn
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I tried to find out if two encounters were considered some kind of rape and asked for your help but my response was never answered and now it is not even posted.
On New Years Eve My mom’s house guest from the Congo (he has been in the USA for five years) came with me to a club we could walk to. I had a glass of wine while getting ready. I’m Bipolar and very, very rarely drink because of the medications I take AM and PM. When he arrived at my apartment He had a cheap bottle of gin and made certain I had several drinks as the night progressed. I became very drunk but I could still talk and understand what was going on. We had one drink at the club and I was unstable enough that I had to hold onto him to go up and down the stairs, to dance and to do many things that required being upright. WE went to the second floor so I could use the bathroom and he followed me into the stall. I was taken advantage of twice-at least-while I was away from home and contracted genital herpes. I was at the end of the breakout during this time and told him no over and over to having sex, even going as far as offering a blowjob or hand job to get him to leave me alone. He declined still saying I don’t care if you have herpes and I still said no. At midnight I told him it’s good luck to kiss, so we did. I thought it was an innocent peck on the lips? As we walked back to my apartment he was to stay in my roommate’s room and I in mine. We sat on the couch for a bit but as son as I got home I took my PM medicine including, pain medicine, 1mg of Clonapin and 30mg of Restaril, not to mention 200mg of Seroquil. It wasn’t long until I wasn’t sure of what was going on, but I remember showing him his room. I woke up naked, hungover and ashamed. I got out of him over breakfast that he had sex with me and came inside of me without a condom. I got him back to my parent’s home as fast as I could and found where I could get Plan-B. I was really nice to him at breakfast because I needed info and I felt so dirty/ashamed. The very next night he shows up at my door well after I’ve taken my meds but I stupidly let him up. I don’t want to burden my family by having to come and get him. I tel him he has to sleep in the roommate’s bed and go to my room and close the door. I crash and am asleep in minutes. When I wake I’ve no underpants on. When I confront him he says its fine because I took “the pill” already. He has also had sex with my very drunk, alcoholic, sister in early December and told me how she made him feel “small” while we were walking back from the club. The last week of January I moved into the room next to his, sharing a bathroom. Then after my sister is arrested for another DUI, I break and in confidence tell the husband of another of my sister living there about what happened between them. He tells his wife, my youngest sister, and in minutes everyone (the whole family) knows. Then the drunk denies it ever happened. I’d been vague about my encounters but came out in detail to the youngest sister, and she pushes, along with the oldest sister, to have him move out. My mom thinks he is the golden child (at 25) treats me now like I made it all up to get him out of the house. She is devastated and won’t talk to me. She has chosen him over her blood. Not to mention that this was horrible for me. I know I took the medication. It is prescribed and I can’t go without it. I guess I’m asking if I owe her an apology or if she owes me one. I know I was highly taken advantage of.
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S. I’m sorry this is the first post that I have seen. To answer your question you DO NOT owe your mother an apology and I hate to see when your own family sides with the rapist. It is despicable to me and it’s always because they just can’t see/believe the person is capable of doing that. I hope your sisters are there for you with the support you need. I highly suggest getting counseling for your rape and it will help with your mother situation too. Whatever you do stay far away from this man. Maybe when your mother sees you actually get counseling she will start to believe you. This man is just going to continue to do this because he is getting away with it. So stay as far away from him as possible and get into counseling. Stay strong! Lynn
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i am a 40 year old female and i have been raped when i was 24. I was in another state going to school. I met a guy thought i knew him well . We started dating. We had sex that was consensual, but this one particular day, i wasn’t feeling well and didn’t feel like it. He told me if i did’t that he would put me out,and he know that i wasn’t from there and didn’t know anybody, I felt like he took advantage of that also. Until this day this is the first time I ever talked about it. I have had unsuccessful relationships since then. I don’t even want a relationship or to even have sex anymore. I’ve tried to(i have two great kids that i love). I often wonder what is wrong with me. I don’t know what to do.
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L. Rape isn’t something that just goes away, you have to deal with it in order to move on and that is done through professional counseling. As you can see from all the time that has passed and it still haunts you. The longer you keep your rape in the more it festers and affects every aspect of your life. I think you can see that. The more you talk about it and let it out the more room you have to heal. So don’t give up and think that this is the way it will be forever because if you get the help you need it won’t be. It takes some work but you and your future are worth it. Stay strong! Lynn
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