Did you know rape is the most second horrific thing that can happen to a person other than murder? You and your loved ones will most likely go through the same emotions as grieving the loss of a loved one. They are shock and disbelief, anger, bargaining, depression and then acceptance. All of these emotions might not be felt or in the order listed above, but the majority of them are. Not only do most experience these emotions, but the victim also has the initial “shock” or “numbness” to get through, which typically comes first before other emotions. Other common feelings that might occur right after the rape are shame, scared, guilty, dirty and powerless. All of these are understandable to have but doesn’t mean they are warranted. A lot of survivors feel shame, guilt and dirty but it doesn’t mean they are. What it means is you are taking on the assaulter’s dirty shameful guilt because that is what he is trying to do to you through rape and control. DON’T LET HIM! Survivors also deal with the fear of rejection through friends and family. This sometimes means there is a communication problem because the friends or family just don’t know how to handle it or what to say. Refer to my page “Advice for loved ones of survivors”. They may also have problems with their sleep or eating patterns. Most survivors encounter many of these feelings and it is all part of the healing process. I like to say, “You need to feel in order to heal”. You can not mask the pain with drugs and alcohol because the less you feel the longer it takes to heal. The more you keep it inside the bigger the issue will get and come out when you least expect it. And depending on how long you keep your feelings regressed the bigger it’s ugly head is when it does surface. I always say if you feel like crying, no matter where you are or how long ago it was, let it out. Eventually, you may even want to talk about it. If you can’t talk about it, write it down. The more you let your feelings out, the more room you have to heal. The most important reason for this is because THE ASSUALTER DOESN’T DESERVE TO CONTROL YOUR LIFE ANYMORE! As long as you are regressing, the longer they have control over your life..
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Dealing with Rape 
I think i recently got Raped by someone close who i thought was a male friend, i feel like it was my fault, i feel like i might of had given him the wrong messages by smiling and being nice, we went out for a couple of drinks and 1 drink turned into many drinks and i live in jersey and when i went to get my Bus we found out i had missed the last Bus going back home, so he offered to get me a hotel and i would pay for half of it i was intoxicated at this point and i told him “Dont get any ideas we are not doing anything” he laughed and said that was the Alcohol talking, when he got to the hotel i stayed in my computer for a little bit trying to do some important stuff even thought i was starting to feel more dizzy, he was all ready laying in the Bed, next thing i remember was that i went to the Bed to actually go to sleep and all of the sudden he was kissing me, i kissed back which i think was my mistake then he started penetrating his fingers forcefully inside me. i remember i kept telling him that i wasn’t expecting this and that i wasn’t prepared i felt so horrified and he said does it look like i care and forcefully took my panties off and continued to penetrate in a hurtful manner his fingers inside me, then he spread my legs to penetrate me and i said NO my mistake here was that for some reason i asked him to wear a Condom and made him get one ( and this is why i think i gave him consent) even thought i remember after saying that just laying in the bed cus i was so dizzy from the drinking he came back and the next thing i remember was him on top of me forcefully screwing me and me wanting to Cry this happened two times, but i just stood quite cus i knew this was all my fault
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Don’t know, this is a very gray area. First let me start by making sure you understand that smiling, being nice and even flirting does not justify rape. That would mean every girl out there that smiles at a guy is asking for rape and we both know that isn’t true. There is NO justification for rape. That being said we are definitely in a grey area and I’m sorry that I can’t be more definitive in your case. In the beginning it was very clear that you did not want this and you said no. But as he progressed to the point when you told him to get a condom (even tho I understand you did not want this) all he understands and is thinking is that you gave him the ok. Which is why we are in the grey area. Now the good news is that he did wear a condom because hopefully you can put this behind you. God forbid if you had some sort of disease it would be 1000 times worse. I still think it would be a good idea to get counseling because I know you feel this was rape and you need to deal with your mixed emotions. At the very least this was a learning experience for you going forward. I also think maybe you should invest in a stun gun because they will listen the FIRST time you say no. Stay strong! Lynn
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I think maybe for me calling it rape just takes me more out of control. I had already been taken out of control of so many things…the finances, our friends, how we spent our time, house hold decisions…taking away my ability to control my own body was on such a different level. Living with a man who didn’t love me seemed like such an impossibility, yet leaving hadn’t become an option…so I had to believe he still loved me. Sex was the only thing left proving his love or so I thought. That night he proved to me that sex wasn’t about his love for me at all…it was about himself. The fact that he was able to stay aroused and enjoy himself as I cried, bleed and begged him to stop was enough proof to convince me – he didn’t love me. I lost all hope and all of my trust that night as I lay there trembling curled up on the bed afraid my husband would come back to finish. I also lost trust in myself that night. I begged him to stop, but I didn’t resist him. I don’t know why, but I didn’t. I stayed with him after that…I didn’t know what else to do. He was my husband and we had a new baby. For weeks his touch made me sick and I was still in pain from that night, but as the pain began to go away and the bleeding stopped I pushed it all away. I told myself that it was all a misunderstanding, I was just too emotional and took it the wrong way, It was my fault for allowing it…I told myself whatever it took to bury it. I never told anyone and never expected to until just a few months ago when it came out in an email to my therapist. I have not been able to discuss any of this in person and the thought of trying to makes me feel sick. Due to the fact we have a son together, I have had contact with this man for the last five years since our divorce. Only this year have I cut him off completely…only after I took him back to court and won full custody of our son. I still see him in town on occasion, but we have not spoken or been in direct contact in 6 months. I actually felt guilty the day I changed my phone number because I was cutting him off. I know I shouldn’t feel that way, but all the feelings get confusing when the man was your husband…the one you loved and trusted. I promised him after our divorce that I would never cut him off from his son not for his sake, but because I thought my son needed his daddy. I have had to face the truth this last year and admit that my son doesn’t need that man in his life – that we are going to be better off without him.
I have been writing out my thoughts and feelings. I have already filled two note books, which I keep very close to me and I don’t like to share. It does help. I have been able to open up more about the physical and emotion abuse, but the sexual stuff is so much harder to talk about. I am trying though. I have only been seeing my therapist for 6 months and I thought I would be finished by now. Guess not. I still have some PTSD and I tend to go into depression at the drop of a hat it seems, but I am doing better. I have actually been able for the first time to tell my mom and my best friend that I was in an abusive marriage. That confession has had its ups and downs, but at least its not all a big ugly secret anymore. I am trying to not feel so guilty anymore. I am trying to correct my interpretation of it all.
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S. Not sure if your therapist has offered up this bit of advice but in case they haven’t I think you need to feel the power of forgiveness. I’m not saying to forgive him at all, I want you to forgive yourself. You seem to be beating yourself up for things that he did to you. So let that go because you did not make him do anything. He is the one that made the decision to treat you that way, you didn’t deserve it or ask for it so cut yourself a break. You just tried to deal with what he dished out to you, which is absolutely normal normal behavior. You did nothing wrong other than react to his actions. Now forgive yourself for thinking that you contributed because you didn’t. You & your son deserve better and you know it which is why you are where you are now with full custody knowing that no dad is better than a horrible one. Give yourself credit for being strong and getting to where you are now, providing your son and yourself with a healthy, happy life. No one got you there but you and I hope you look back on it soon with a smile instead of a frown. Yes you went through some very tough times BUT it got you where you are now and you are stronger and wiser and I’m PROUD of YOU! Stay strong! Lynn
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Lynn,
Thank you. I have spent a few days going through your site and it has been a help. You have done a wonderful job on here. Thank you for your advice. I know your right about forgiving myself and I am working on it. I hope to get there sooner than later. Is it always so hard to talk about rape and is that something I need to push through? Telling my therapist about the other abuse gets easier each time, but the sexual stuff just stays hard. I have a real issue with calling it rape. Is that normal? Every time I try to use that word it just feels so wrong. I have tried to address my doubts and misconceptions, but like I said talking about it has been very difficult.
S
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S. It is normal to not want to accept the fact of rape however you have to change the way you are thinking. You can’t say it because you feel it defines you and your rape but it doesn’t. Rape only defines the rapist that did this to you. Think of it that way. And when you are thinking about yourself refer to yourself as a survivor. Just changing that way of thinking is SO empowering. And as far as the sexual stuff you don’t need to go into all the specifics just keep it simple, however I would encourage you to discuss your feelings about it. Glad the site helped you and glad I could too. Stay strong! Lynn
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When I was 6 years old, I was raped by a neighbor who wasn’t much older than me. It wasn’t until recently until I connected with what happened. Thankfully I moved away from there years ago, but I want to know where that guy ended up. I want to question him. I don’t sleep at night because I’m afraid he will find me again. I barely ever really want to get up as a result of not sleeping. I didn’t tell anybody until this July, about 8 years later. my parents still don’t know. For a while, I didn’t feel. I sat in my room and I would cry until sometimes 3 or 4 in the morning because I felt so helpless, and that’s still 8 years later… some of my friends started questioning me why I wasn’t myself and I don’t know what to tell them because only 3 people know and I certainly don’t need the whole school knowing. I also went through a time where I would only eat rainbow sprinkles and sometimes nutter butters. I guess they seemed like something I missed out on as a child. idk. It just really frustrates me because he took my innocence and now I relive it in my head so many times in a day I couldn’t count it with my fingers, toes, and any other limbs I have. I don’t know what to do anymore.
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K. I need you to understand 2 things. First, finding this person is not going to help a thing, it will only stir up more issues to deal with, I promise. Secondly, rape is about control, not you. And if you are still dealing with it 8 years later then this guy is still controlling you. If you want to stop his control then you have to move forward and stop living in the past where he has control. Counseling is where your future is. You made several steps already that tell me you are looking for help.Telling some friends you trust and coming here. So get it the right way through professional counseling. Someone that can truly help you get control back of your life. Doesn’t that sound good. I’m not gonna sugar coat it ans tell you it’s easy because it’s not BUT it damn sure isn’t as hard as what you are going through now. This person doesn’t deserve one more second of control over your life so take the necessary steps to take back your life and look towards and work for what you want your future to be like. Stay strong! Lynn
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I had a breakup with my boyfriend and went back to my ex for comfort because at the time I was also dealing with physical abuse at home and I felt he was the only one I could connect to. I was hurt because of my breakup,but I was also numb. My ex took advantage of that and raped me. At first I didn’t know if it was rape or gray rape because I wasn’t drunk, but I never gave him consent. I got back with my boyfriend and told him 6 months later. I understand why he’s upset and broke up with me, but he doesn’t understand what I was dealing with. What a woman has to deal with and how hard it is to come in terms with something like that and accept being labeled as someone who’s been raped. I feel even more horrible because we’re not together anymore and I’m trying to deal with this on my own. He asked me a lot of things in detail which hurt me because I had to replay it in my head, but none if that helped. I regret telling him because I don’t want anyone to know. This is two weeks fresh tht I’ve come into terms with it. I just feel broken about everything
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H. The only person you need to be giving details to is a counselor. It’s ok that you told your boyfriend about the rape because you were looking for support and obviously needed a lot of that, which he didn’t give. The only thing that proves is that he is NOT the one for you. I understand he would be upset however the way he handled it means he didn’t care about your well being which in turn means he is and can not handle this the way you need in handled. My advice, no matter how much it hurts, leave them both behind and start concentrating on yourself. I wouldn’t even consider a relationship going forward until you can appropriately deal with what you have been put through from your abuse at home and your rape. And trust me if you want a happy future for yourself, and a relationship as well as a family you must take the proper steps in healing yourself first. Once you get your mind, body and soul straight then and only then will you be able to deal with the situations in your future and be able to hold your head high no matter what the outcome. You deserve nothing but happiness and to live for the future not dwell in the past because that just means those that hurt you are still in control. You need to be in control of your life, not them! Stay strong! Lynn
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I was raped in last year by my ex husband. The trial started yesterday. Today I testify, in 4 hours. I know I can get through reliving it, im more concerned about his defense lawyer, he is a bulldog. I have read the horror stories from other rape victims about getting blamed, or you were asking for it… the list goes on.so, im pretty freaked out by all of this.
From the start of all of this my bf of 11 months has not been supportive.but, I took a chance to talk to him, hoping he would have some kind words and a you can do this attitude instead I got….suck it up, to stop letting him win. Im crazy for being ashamed. Im making it harder on myself. I swear I feel mentally raped after talking to him. How can someone be so uncaring about this. Alot of it is him blaming himself, he sent me flowers,
ex husband saw them and he went into a rage.
Im just so lost, scared and I dont want to go today. I dont want to face my exhusband, I dont want to tell all of those people what he did.
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NC, so sorry for the delay in getting back to you I just became a grandmother for the first time and have been helping my daughter and my site has suffered a little. If you get this I want you to know how PROUD I am of you!!!! Very few go to the lengths that you are and I know you feel weak but YOU HAVE AMAZING STRENGTH to do this. I know you were probably put through the ringer but you need to know that you are STANDING UP FOR YOURSELF!!! And that is AMAZING! I hope it went in your favor but if for some reason it didn’t just know it doesn’t really matter what anyone else thinks about you as long as you know you did the right thing! And that goes for your bf too. Going forward if he can not give you the support you need then he is NOT the one for you. Because you will need this support for the rest of your life and if he can’t give it to you now it won’t be there later. Stay strong! Lynn
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Hi, I need to get this off my chest; I don’t know who to turn to and I feel like it’s eating me up inside.
A few months ago, right after all my exams, I was invited to go out for a drink with a friend from work. We soon later joined other people from work and proceeded to drink quite a bit but I felt like I trusted everyone in attendance, so I felt alright about it–also, I had just gone through a week of extreme stress, so it was nice to let a load off.
Anyways, one co-worker in particular, who happens to be very outgoing and flirty with everyone, kept buying round after round of shots. I refused after a couple because I have a lower tolerance these days and I stated this. Soon enough the bar was closing but I was having such a good time with my co-workers that I decided to bring the party to my house close by–their were 5 of us(including me).
From here on in things start to get a little hazy but I remember all of getting in a cab back to my place and then having a dance party and proceeding to drink more. I believe I had two more drinks but I felt safe because I was in my own house with “friends”.
There was one other female in our group and at some point her and the “outgoing/flirty” co-worker disappeared and I didn’t notice until I had to go downstairs to my bedroom for something and they were literally having sex on mine and my boyfriend’s bed. I freaked out for obvious reasons. But they didn’t stop and when they did, my male co-worker for some reason decided he could walk around naked for awhile in full view of everyone and I had to basically make him put on something. After this point I remember very little, but I do remember providing a blanket and pillow for another co-worker sleeping on the couch and then I went to bed in my bedroom.
I don’t remember having sex with said flirty co-worker but apparently it happened and I am pretty sure I was passed out. I have confronted him about it and he said I came on to him but admitted I did say no to doing anything–I do not believe I came on to him considering I am in a loving 4 year relationship. My boyfriend would normally be home but he was out of town with some friends.
This tore me apart when I found out and didn’t want to believe it, so when I confronted him I also told him to “pretend like this never happened” because that’s what I was going to do out of fear that I would be blamed if anyone ever knew. Also, I was terrified this would get out at work and I wouldn’t know how to deal with it.
I am mortified to tell my boyfriend, considering this happened in OUR bed and I feel like he would be angry at me for “putting myself in that position.” I honestly feel like he would, at the very least, see me in a different view and it would put a stigma in our relationship–which I feel like ultimately end. I feel like if I keep this secret, I will carry the burden and he won’t have to be upset over it.
I haven’t told anyone else because I’m worried they will see me different and think I’m lying and a cheater. I am typically a shy person, who is nice to everyone and very angry and upset this could happen in my own house and by someone who I know and have worked with for about a year.
Sorry for the long post, I just needed to get this out somewhere.
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K. First and foremost if you work at a restaurant I would change jobs immediately. If you don’t feel you can confront him or tell anyone else then change jobs. Another reason to do this is for your relationship. If one day this comes out and you stayed working with this man it will be difficult for your boyfriend to believe. At this point I would not tell your boyfriend but instead go to counseling and ask for guidance on whether to tell him or not and how to go about telling him BUT after you change jobs. You never know what this asshole will try and do again with you if you stay. From flirting to possibly something else. And when you change jobs you don’t need to worry about anyone that works there you have a fresh start. But the counseling is not only going to help you deal with these feelings but also help with your relationship. Stay strong! Lynn
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Oh and I would like to mention,
recently people at work having been acting a little different towards me, so I think the asshole told at least one person anyway. My response to this rejection that it ever happened and I (try) to act as normal as I can. I work at a restaurant and have to work a shift with him every week and to keep up this charade is becoming harder and harder.
No one has asked me about it. Which is good, considering I am mortified to actually talk about it with anyone but bad because everyone knows I have a boyfriend and now probably consider me a cheater and the one to blame. Which I resent so much. Lately, I have been picturing myself finally letting it all out and punching my co-worker in the face for what he did and letting everyone know what actually happened–but I am too meek to do this. So, I just hope karma get’s him back–which I know is a terrible way to deal with this.
He also tries to act “friendly” around me, even to the point of flirting and touching–which disgusts me inside but on the outside I try to act like nothing is wrong and just walk away or just play along and tell him to “get a life” or something.
I must seem insane for just doing nothing–and I feel insane but I just feel like I can’t. I feel stuck and I want to run away. I am literally petrified to speak out about this and don’t know what to do 😦
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I dont honestly know why i am doing this but i am. I hate telling people my story but lately its seems like a i need to. I am 16 and when i was about 5 or 6 my older cousin ha raped me (on Christmas). It was only recently that i have realized this because i have blocked out most of my childhood bevause of the sexual and physical abuse i went through but i have been talking about this too my boyfriend so more memories have been coming back . One that i am definetly not sure about. When i was 10 my own father may have raped me. I say may have for a reason. It started out as he called it a “tickle fight “. (Mind you my grand mother had just died so i was very upset). His hands went up my nightdress that use to be my grandmothers before she died. He went to put his hand in my panties and after that i have blacked out. I told my babysitter and she got me out of his house because i was to scared to tell my mother. Only a month after she went to prison for a year and a half. Ive never had any help except for guidance office at school. BUT they havent known how to help because many of my male family members have sexually abused me. Or made very dirty comments at me. Recently my uncle said to me that if he was 1 or 2 years younger he would have done and tapped that and been out the door wether i wanted it or not. I have told none of my family members this. Also recently i have saw my cousin who raped me on christmas and he mad some very sick and degrading comments to me about me and what he did and wants to do. He had also told me of how he raped my younger brother also… My brother chooses not to talk of this , he is 12 and was 10 when it happened. What scares me also is that my 10 year old sister goes to see my father and lately she has been becoming distant and acting more and more like me. NO one in my family talks of what has happened to me , they actually pretend it never happened and recently my step father has said some things to were i now live with my grandparents. After all of this i feel dirty and useless and lately its caused problems in my relationship with a guy ive been good friends with since i was 12. He knows what has happened just not every thing thats happened. Its been causing alot of problems because i dont trust everything and i feel ugly and shameful that this has happened to me. My own mother usually acts like it is my fault. me and him have been fighting over little things but its actually pretty big to me because it means something bigger and usually i dont know how to tell him and right now its all over my sister because im scared and dont know what to do. Ive been trying to forget about this stuff but now im scared because she seems to be becoming deppressed , dosent want to be around my father that much any more and most boys of guys she cringes from when they get to close…. i just dont know how to help her when i am still so lost myself….
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M. Why hasn’t the school called the police????????????? You need to go straight to the police for yourself, younger brother and sister. You are the only one that can control this right now and if you don’t go to the police you will so regret it later and your brother and sister will always wonder why you didn’t.. Even if they don’t understand now. YOU MUST go to the police, ask for a lady officer and tell her what happened to you and what you know about your brother and what you think is happening to your sister. They probably know something isn’t right but aren’t old enough just like you to also necessarily know it’s wrong. They probably have been threatned. All I can say is if you don’t tell someone that cares or can help these people will CONTINUE to do this because they can. Someone has to stop them and that someone is you! If you have a person or family member that you trust 110% then ask them to help you go to the polie. Even if it is a friend of yours that has been through this. I’m leary about a family member because it seems they stick together. What about a friends mother? Even if you can’t find anoyone you still need to go. Don’t tell them or threaten them just go. And yes they might take you 3 out of the house but that IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU NEED. I would rather you be safe with loving helpful supportive people than in the hell hole your and your siblings are in now. I pormise you if you don’t help them and yourself you will regret it for the rest of your life. It won’t be easy I’m not gonna lie but it’s better to be safe than what you are going through now. And there is no way that your younger siblings can or should be staying with this family that is torturing you mentally and physically. Ask yourself if this was happening to your best friend, what would you tell her to do? Stay strong! Lynn
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I don’t really know how to write this properly but I have some questions I need answered.
When I was around 5 years old a family member who was 6 years older then me told me about a game we should play that had to be a secret. Our games involved him touching me, having intercourse and making me give him blowjobs. These ‘games’ would happen frequently when I was visiting with his side of the family, always late at night or when no one was around and they continued for a time period of around four years. I was constantly told to not tell anyone and that if I did then my family wouldn’t love me and I would be alone. I had previously been molested and told my mum, not fully understanding what had happened and because of the immediate disturbance to my life and a period of time in which both my mother and I feared for our safety I didn’t want anybody to know or have that happen again. No one in my family knows about what happened and I’ve been too scared to say anything in fear of what would happen.
I guess what I need to know is was he at 11 years old able to understand that what he was doing was wrong? Is this even defined as rape or have I turned myself into a victim? I feel like by the end of the abuse, when he was around the age of 15 he surely would have known that what he was doing was wrong. I’m conflicted because he now has a young daughter and I worry that this could happen to her and if it does and I say nothing then it’s my fault. I feel ashamed and dirty for what happened and feel like this must have been my fault, is that normal?
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C. Let me start by saying he absolutely knew what he was doing and that it was wrong otherwise he wouldn’t have told you not to tell and threaten you. You were so young and vulnerable and he took full advantage of you. NONE of this was your fault, NONE of it. So please stop feeling ashamed. I understand why you do but the first step in healing is truly believing it wasn’t your fault and letting go of the shame. Put the blame where it belongs on him. I’m assuming by not telling anyone that you never rec’d counseling which I suggest you do as soon as you can. Not only for you but also to help determine how and if you want to say something about what he did to you in order for this not to happen to his daughter or any other girl for that matter. Seeing as he isn’t 15 anymore and a grown man with a child, things are different now. Not saying better or worse just that things are in a completely different state than they were so you need to be cautious how you approach this. But one thing I can tell you for sure that rape/molestation is about control and when they know they can get away with it, it most likely happens again, which is exactly what happened in your case. So get into counseling and discuss all these issues, I promise it will help you now and help with your future. Stay strong! Lynn
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I have a situation where I wasn’t raped because I fought the guy enough so he wouldn’t penetrate me, but I liked how he felt on my body and how some of things he did to me made me feel good. What advice would you give me because I want to talk to him again, but not be alone with him right away at least.
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thetruth01, STAY away from him!!!!!!! You say you like how he made you feel then go with your feelings with someone else that is a good guy and won’t take advantage of you or even consider putting you into that situation. It’s called a guy that you can trust and RESPECTS you! If you see this guy again it’s like giving him a green light! DON’T DO IT. Stay strong! Lynn
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Last year while my husband was deployed, i reconected with some friends from high school on Facebook. One of them we’ll call ‘j’ were catching up. I invited him & his wife to church for new years service but they couldn’t make it but would come by my house later on a different day. That different night came but only one showed up, him. I regret opening my door ever since. Long story short when he made me go in my basement he said he just wanted to talk. I complied because my children were in the bed asleep (which he asked about prior to going in my basement).so as soon as we get to my basement, he picks me up and slams me on my back and by this time I’m freaked out, scared, worried, shocked and I’m thinking What am i going to do. So he holds my arms above my head with one of his hands, while fighting with my legs to get my pants and panties are and at the same time I’m reminding him of what he said earlier which is he wasn’t going to try anything or hurt me. So he put his mouth on my mouth and his nasty funky tongue down my throat. He then proceed to rape me but the stops, and lets me up.
So i get up but then he told me to take off the rest of my clothes. I just looked at him and he said stop effing playing and take the sh** off and not only smacks my hand but snatches my shirt before i said ok stop. Then i took it off and he just sat back on my couch just staring at me as i was standing nude. His eyes..i think he was high because they were so red he just wouldn’t leave so i said hurry up and just do what you’re going to do. You did it once, i know you’re going to do it again and he said you’re right, made me turn around, grabbed my neck and pressed it deep in my couch seat and did it again but couldn’t finish then he finally left. About 2 weeks later i tried getting him to confess what he did but he said I came on to him, he denied any sexual contact and he also denied being in the USA. he also said he has more important things to worry about than having to worry about me too. But 3 months later he sent me an apology text. I never did reported it. I told my husband about it. No one else, including my own mother supported me. My mom blamed me, my own pastor blamed me and all rape victims.
My question is, was i raped the 2nd time around because i told him to just do it because I know he’s goig to do it again? I’ve been living with nothing but shame and guilt for a year and a half. I feel like because I was so submissive and didn’t put up a fight and even told him to just get it over with the 2nd time that I cheated. I have flashbacks, nightmares. I’ve gained 100lbs since then. I just can’t function. I’ve attempted suicide 4 times and almost succeeded the last time. I just can’t keep living with the guilt and shame.
Although my husband is supportive, he seems a little different towards me. He’s deployed again. He takes deployable jobs. So I think he is having a hard time dealing with it but isn’t telling me. I’m in therapy but she doesn’t force me to talk about what happen. Church folks keeps telling to let it go because I cry daily. I’m hurting but feel alone and rejected, i just don’t know what to do anymore. This isn’t living. And i’m not being the best mom i can be for my 3 children.
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AJ. First and foremost YES this was absolutely rape both times, you need to try and let go of that burden, guilt and shame. Your kids were in the house you knew he wasn’t going to let you go. You were in fear of your life and what might happen to the children so you let him do what he wanted the second time so you could get out alive and take care of your children. This is very common when people are in fear of their lives. Your mind is telling you you would rather be raped than dead. Second, as far as your attempted suicides I NEED you to think of your children. What would happen to them if they lost their mother? You say you aren’t the best mom that you can be BUT you are at least their mom and you are there. I want you to think of 2 things to help you cope with this situation. The first is what turned me personally from a victim to a survivor and that is the fact that I am alive and not dead. So the day I started looking at it that I had a life and a future, I moved outta my past. I knew it could not be changed but I did have control of my future and I started realizing that I can live and I’m blessed to be alive!! I was a survivor not a victim anymore. Granted it took a while to get there but I did thinking like that. The second thing I want you to think about is God forbid this happened to your child, the exact same thing. Would you blame them? Would you think it was their fault? How would you feel if they tried to commit suicide and/or succeeded? I know that you would support your child and help them get the best help that you could and you would not blame them. Which is exactly what you need to do for yourself. So start talking to your therapist, it’s not easy but it’s not as hard as what you are putting yourself through. I really hope by you thinking of it this way that it starts to turn into a healing process. The first major step is to truly believe it wasn’t your fault and I promise you 150% it wasn’t! Stay strong! Lynn
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I was raped by my cousin from age 14-17. It has been over six months since I faced my attacker and told my parents. Trial dates are coming up soon and I’m so emotional. I feel like I need to eat all the time and I feel so alone. I feel like no one truly understands my pain. I have not went a day without thinking about being raped since I was 14. I get mental images all the time. Crying is the only ways I know how to express my feelings. I don’t know how to trust people or my family. I have a hard time with affection. When I spoke out I feel as if I lost all of my extended family. People are disgusted when they here about what happened. My aunt (mother of my cousin, the rapist) is so disgusting that she had the audacity to confront me saying I’m a liar. The people on my mothers side of my family have mainly sided with the rapist. They talk about me. I can no longer go to my grandmothers house. She practically raised me, but now she wants nothing to do with me. I don’t know how to pick up the pieces.
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M. I’m so sorry that you are having to deal with this especially at your age. But I’m so glad that you were finally brave enough to tell your parents and stop this from happening! You have no idea how you changed your life for the good by being strong enough to do this. So as much as I know that it hurts you to loose some of your family members because they don’t believe you I want you to concentrate on you and the fact that you broke this cycle. Maybe after he gets prosecuted your family will come around but even if they don’t, think about the fact that this isn’t being done to you anymore. Every time you get upset I want you to turn that thought around and think how great it is that you have set yourself free from being raped anymore. Because it doesn’t really matter what anyone thinks, what matters is that you are safe now and not being raped anymore. I’m hoping your parents have put you in counseling but if not please ask them to help you get counseling. Again, so proud of you and I promise once you get through this your life will be a lot brighter. Leave all those people that don’t believe behind you and focus on you and your freedom. Stay strong! Lynn
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Got raped 2months ago..I’m 15 n now I’m pregnant… again this is the second time he raped me n second time carrying his baby… killed my baby first time… just want to die my mom left me for drugs my dad is dead in n out of foster care but now on the streets alone..don’t know what to do… can anyone hear me…
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Denver. Please call your local crisis center, please. Not only can they help you with counseling but they can help you with food, a place to stay pre-natal care.. so many things. And please stay as far away from this guy as possible so he doesn’t have a chance to hurt you again. And think about going to the police since he has hurt you so badly. But whatever you do call the crisis center for help. Stay strong! Lynn
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Can anyone help me understand why I am still having such a difficult time. It has been years since my first sexual assault by my step father, and now three years since my last by my landlord. I am trying desperately to hold myself together and carry on a “normal” life but I am slowly losing this battle. I have spoken with my dr and currently take anti anxiety/ depression medication. I went to see a counselor for a year and a half. People tell me I have to be strong for my husband and son. I don’t want to be strong anymore, I’m tired. I try to have a sexual relationship with my husband and it is so hard to not feel like I am doing something wrong or dirty, why?
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C. Is it possible that you are letting the rape define you? I say this because you say you feel like you are doing something wrong or dirty, meaning it seems you are taking on the burden of the rape. You have to be able to love yourself and release the burden of the rape in order to be loved. If this rape had been recent I would understand your confusion still but the fact that it has been so long and you are now in a loving caring relationship leads me to believe you haven’t let go of the burden. The first step in healing is blaming the person that did this to you and not letting the rape define you as a victim. You are a survivor, you have a loving family and a future that you are in control of, don’t let what happened to you control any more of your future!! Stay strong Lynn
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When I was 18, I had my first boyfriend. I lost my virginity to him. He use to hit me & slap me. I think I was raped by him. I say I think because when we had sex, I said yes…but it started to hurt & I would tell him to stop. He didn’t. He would do it harder & faster. I tell him…stop your hurting me. But he didn’t. I couldn’t get up. So I lay there…til he was done.
I remember I told him that he just raped me & he said no I didn’t, u like it. At first I did…but when he was hurting me, I didn’t. I’m 35 & this still haunts me. When I have sex with my husband, I often tell him stop to make sure he’s does stop. CA
CAn u let go of memories like this?
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M. Hopefully you have openly discussed this with your husband. He doesn’t need to know the details just that you were raped and that this is a very touchy subject to you. If you haven’t tell him and if you have, good for you! I would also tell your husband how much you appreciate him and his listening to you and the respectful relationship you have, so he is aware and empathetic with you and remains that way. I think once you both know that and realize you can talk about this when you want or need that the actual need will start to go away and you will be able to put the past behind you because you are reminding yourself what a healthy relationship you are in now. Stay strong! Lynn
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I feel like I can’t deal with life anymore. I can’t think straight. I can’t breathe. i can’t function anymore. I was raped when I was 7 by a 13 year old. He had his brothers sex book and told me he wanted to try these things. I didnt know what was what so i complied… at the time, my dad was not around. He had come to the united states a few months before and i was in my birth country with my mother and two brothers for a year before we came to live in the united states with my dad. My mother was never the type to be on top of her kids. She had me at about 21 years old so, she knew she had kids but enjoyed being out with her friebds. My brothers and i were always togeteher and im ashamed to say they were there when it all happened. Its nothing anyone ever talks about and nothing my parents know about. When i was 12 years old, my mother left and me, being the only woman in the house, took on responsibilty of being the woman of the house. At that point, i had my younger brother and older brother to raise. I also had to take care of my dad and clean the house and have dinner ready. I had to grow up at a very young age and now, being 20 years old, i feel like it’s all surfacing and i dont know how to take care of it. I get hit on by older men constantly because of how mature I am. I hate older men and hate when i am touched by them, even if it’s only a hug. I feel like i can sense what theyre thinking and what they imagine in their head when they touch me or even look at me. I feel disgusting and ashamed of everything that happened. I know that if I ever tell my dad, he will feel so sad and ashamed in himself because he was not there to protrct me. My dad is truly the love of my life and my best friend. He raised 3 kids on his own and the last thing I want is for him to feel responsible for any of this. I know he will probably feel like strangling my mother for allowing this to happen. But I dont blame her either.. she had us at a very early age and had some growing up to do her self. I sometimes cant believe i allowed this to happen… and how im allowing this to rule my life. I cant have a relationship with a man, i dont feel. This is holding me back and messing me up in so many ways… i dont know what to do anymore
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A. I hate to hear that people go through so much of their life affected this way without turning to counseling. As you can see this isn’t going to go away on it’s own. It’s not something we “get over”. As you see it affects us in every realm of our psyche. And the longer we keep it bottled up the more damage it does, again as you can see. Our brains were not made to know how to deal with such a horrific event and you are even more vulnerable when it happens as a child. So you need professional therapy and it’s going to probably take a while because of how long you have waited and how much it has affected your life BUT it will be well worth it. And I can promise you that you WILL feel better and you WILL start to look forward to whatever type of future you want. You need to learn to live for yourself and that starts with you mental health. I know you don’t feel strong but that is exactly what you have shown all this time is your strength. You are stronger than you realize. You can do this and you are worth it. Rape is about control and this has controlled your life long enough. It’s time for you to take back control of your own life and live a happy life! Stay strong! Lynn
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Last year I was raped at my job by a former friend, a homosexual. Before he actually raped me, he asked if I wanted to have sex with him, to which I said no. Almost everyone I thought I could trust turned on me. The detective working on my case said that I hadn’t put up enough barriers and closed the case. My dad was even convinced that I was gay as a result. I’ve lost many friends.
I know what I did. I know that this wasn’t my fault. I’m trying not to stay a victim. I like everyone else has survived. Please remember that. You are not a victim anymore. You are in control. I know it’s easier said than done, and it’s something I’m working through, but it’s worth the fight.
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JL Nicely said, stay strong! Lynn
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I was raped 13 years ago and am finally going to counseling for it. I am stuck on the immense guilt that I feel from that night. While I know what he did was wrong, I can’t stop thinking that I could have taken so many steps that night to prevent this. I know how irrational it sounds, but I can’t change the way I feel, even after all this time. How does one get over this guilt? I believe counseling is helping, but not sure how to get past this “stuck ” point.
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M. Well I can tell you that no matter how much you go over that night with “coulda, shoulda, woulda” it’s not going to change a thing. So instead of putting all that energy on something that can’t be changed why don’t you put it towards how you want your future to be? Because you have complete control over your future but absolutely no control over your past. So look forward and move forward and get out of the past. Counseling is the best way and I’m proud that you became strong enough and aware to help yourself!! Stay strong! Lynn
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Follow up to my previous post to you…. still in counseling (for various things ) and I’m confused because my counselor has now told me that I can’t change what happened in the past, so there is no point in dwelling on it (I’m paraphrasing; not exact words ). So now we are apparently not addressing the rape at all, like it’s a done deal. .. when originally he had said there were things we could work on. I’m not sure what to do. It happened 13 years ago, so it does seem stupid to dwell on it and I should be over it by now! But since bringing it up I have found that my depression has gotten worse (basically, reopened old wounds ) and it leads me to wonder if I ever properly dealt with it in the first place. It’s so difficult and embarrassing to talk about so I avoid it and don’t push it in counseling, but isn’t this why I’m there??
I should add that, despite how this sounds, I do believe he is a good therapist and have formed a good connection with him. I never thought I would be so comfortable talking about such personal things with a man I didn’t really know. So I’m not looking to find a new therapist.
I’m confused and would love some help/feedback…
thank you for listening!
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M. Sorry but my advice is to get a new therapist and preferably a woman and tell her exactly what this last therapist said, your current feelings and what YOU need! Stay strong! Lynn
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I dont know how to go about this…but i see and have read others stories. 4 days ago i went out for Halloween, i was streesed out and just wanted to have fun with my friends. I got really drunk. To the point to where i dont remember much. I remember being in the bar then laying on the grass trying to get myself up but someone on top of me. I couldnt focus on his face. Then i dont remember until i was standing in the street and i walked home. I remember the feeling that over came my body before i walked home. It was this feeling i never felt of digust and shame. All i wanted was a shower even tho i didnt remember everything that went on. This feeling felt like it was in my soul…like the depths of me. Ive been to the police and ive done everything i needed to do. But i cant help but to think what if i was flirting with him. The fact that i cant remember any interation with anybody pisses me off. What if i told this guy yeah lets go but i dont remember. Everyone says the bruises are proof u didnt want it. But my mind wont let me think differently. Ive been laying in my bed for 4 days straight. Ive deletled my social media accounts cuz im scared what if this person knows me n i dont know them. I dont want to leave my house. My friends what me to talk to someone but im tired of speaking on it. Today i woke up with my body not hurting as bad as it has been. So i just want pretend nothing has happen and go back to normal. I just dont think its healthy im just confused on how to handle it all.
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M. Unfortunately until you do deal with it through counseling there is no normal. And please try and let go of the guilt because that will only make things worse. Even if you were flirting there is no reason for rape. This is 100% on the person that did this to you and in no way your fault at all. How brave of you to go to the police I sure hope they find some clues to help get the guy off the street. But in the meantime you really need to seek counseling because the longer you wait the longer the healing process takes, I promise you. Another suggestion is do not get into a relationship or start having sex until counseling because your body has been shocked. Also before going into your next relationship you are going to need to tell them before having sexual relations. Because some guys will walk, but the good ones will stay and empathize. That’s how you tell the ones that are really there for you and the ones that aren’t. Also, you are going to run through a bunch off emotions that are unpredictable and you are going to need their support at that time. But we are getting way ahead so just start with the counseling as soon as you can and take baby steps. Stay strong, Lynn
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