1-800-656-hope is the RAINN (Rape, Abuse, Incest, NATIONAL Network) The Hotline that is CONFIDENTIAL and you can reach them 24/7. They can let you know if there is a Nurse Examiner Program (NEP) near you (instead of going to the hospital) as well as offering free confidential services around the clock. Make sure you ask if there is an NEP program because these individuals are specifically trained in rape, follow up counseling and typically a free service. RAINN has helped more than a million survivors since inception in 1994. Also, check out there website @ RAINN.org which also has some very valuable information and great resources for rape survivors. I would highly recommend everyone to contact them. We all need as much help as we can get and this is an excellent anonymous source of information. There is also a INTERNATIONAL WEBSITE @ http://www.ibiblio.org which I would suggest if you are not in the US. If you can’t find help through these 2 you can always google rape hotlines or rape counselors in your area..
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Dealing with Rape 
I am 18,and two months ago i was sexualy abused.All i have done is think about it eveyday.
It was at a christmas party,we asked if he could buy me and my friend a drink,i said yes but he didnt come back untill ages-we didnt think he would actualy get us one.Then we danced,he went of and got me a drink,not that i knew he was doing(so i guess thinking about it now he could have put something in there.But it was a college even,held at college).
After a while we sat down and he poured his drink into mine and he made me finish of my drink.Then he took me outside,where i only intended to stay for 10,just talking,but we ended up back at his friends cottage on campus.
We where in the living room,he asked about my past and i told him i had 0 ammount of even kissing.Which after,we did do,which i did like.
Then he moved his hand down and i sort of froze.I had tights on and it wasn’t helping him shall we say,so he sort of looked at me,as if to say do something about it.
After he goes “do you want to”,all i could manage was i dont know(in my head saying no,this is too much.But all i felt i could say was that, i dont know).He did ask again and i said the same,thats all i said but he was already there.
It didnt feel like me,it was like a movie and i didnt enjoy it.
After we layed there on the sofa and then he goes,i think you should go back,its cold.so we walked back to my accomidation.
I never felt so unlike myself,he stripped of and jumpted in my bed.And i froze again,moveing very slowly taking of rings ect,after a while he fell asleep.I stood there for ages and then i ran out and left him there with all my things.Ran to my friends accomidation,even though it was about 3 am in the moring.I pushed myself through her door and i had tears in my eyes i knew.She guess we had sex,which she was slightly shocked at as she new i was a virgin.She asked where i had been and i told her,i tried to explain he was still there,but i guess it didnt come out like that.After a while she relised and was shocked that he was there and that i never got his name(which i keepted asking for but didnt get) or he didnt ask for my number.
so i asked her t get him out of my room,i couldnt go back there with him there(but at the same time i was thinking well this is it,one night stand).She presumed that i was walking over with her,i couldnt go.She asked what to say and i told her to tell him i had a boyfriend,not that i had and that i felt guilty-atleats one part was true.
She came back,it was quite and so i said i would leave her as it was late/very urly.
I was a bit scared of going back to my room,eveything happened to fast.When i got there i couldnt get to sleep and i didnt want to go in the bed he had just been in.I couldnt get to sleep.After a few hours me and my friend whent to the doctors,which all i could manage was “i had unprotected sex last night” in a hasty rush.All he said was “so i guess your wanting the pill” and that was it, no anything.No mention of sti’s (which i wish i had had some sort of test now).So i took it and felt horiffic all day,probaly from the pill and the night befor’s antic’s.
Am not sure if i was drugged but its all i can think about,everyday.Not getting his number,name,anything out of it but worrie.
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R. this is kinda sticky because I know and completely understand you feel violated but not sure if this is a true rape if you never said “no”. Nonetheless I’m not trying to say your feelings aren’t validated. Usually though when a date rape drug is used you either completely black out or don’t realize what is going on around you, if you don’t black out. Sounds to me he was just trying to get you drunk and take advantage of you by asking you to finish his drink too. I’m concerned about your safety now that he knows where you live. So I would keep a bat behind your door and get a can of pepper spray and learn the correct way to use it. I would even recommend a self defense class. Do you have a safety person in your dorm that you can also notify? Check into that too! Stay strong! Lynn
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Hello, I am 16 years old now. It all started when i was 12 years old. My parents went there separate ways and my dad lied and told me terrible not true things about my mother and I believed him. So i moved to a small town with him. He is an alcoholic. He was only there like 6 hours a night ( when it was time to come home and pass out. Then he had to go to work in the morning to pay the bar tab.) Well anyways I was home alone all the time. and my neighbor knew that. so he would come over as he pleased don’t get me wrong i liked his company at first because i was lonely. but things started to change very fast. He pushed me further and further. i had NO ONE to turn to. At the time I had better things to worry about. Like how i was going to but food on the table for myself. So with no one at home to protect me he did what he wanted. I had no say. I had no control. I was so young I didn’t know wright from wrong. I have always had to find that out the hard way. people always asked me when my curfew is. I said i dont got one. They think i’m the luckiest girl in the world but ya know what i have had to learn almost everything the hard way. And thats part of my life story.
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about 3 years have passed since it has happen. i know its kinda late but its cause i havent had the guts to look up on it.. everyday i think about it and everyday on the way to school i pass by the spot where it happen and i get the chills. i have no idea how to deal with it and im so scared to talk about it with people so this will be the 1st anyone know about it.. I convince myself everyday that is my fault,, i say to myself only if i hadnt gone out that niight everything would have never happend.. now its driving me crazy i just want someone to talk to.. I just want to be told how i can deal with it
help me please
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D. The first thing you need to do is KNOW & BELIEVE in your deepest soul that it’s not your fault. D it’s not, it’s really not. Listen maybe this will help you understand. If you had a daughter that went through exactly what you did would you think it was her fault, no you wouldn’t. You convincing yourself that it was your fault because you went out means you think every girl that goes out is asking for rape and we both know you don’t think that. So let it go, seriously take a couple deep breaths and say to yourself, “It’s not my fault” cry laugh whatever but let it go. Once you do that you will stop holding onto the past and realize you are worthy of a good life and start taking the baby steps to get back in control of the life you want. It’s not easy and it starts with believing in yourself, getting the professional help you need and focusing on your future not your past, because after all the past can’t be changed. Rape is about control and only defines the attacker, not you. But every day you have a bad day because of your rape, your attacker is still mentally in control. Put him in your past, try if you can to stop walking by the place (take a different route) and take back control of your own life. Do yoga at home, write a journal, rescue an animal, but most of all take baby steps and believe in yourself. You have to fight for what is good and like I said it’s not easy but it sure is worth it. Stay strong! Lynn
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This year August will be 3 years since I was raped. Dealing with it was more than just difficult because the person that raped was my baby’s dad. We were still living together at the time but I desperatley was trying to get out of the relationship because of the abuse i went through almost on a daily basis. I never told anyone about it until a year ago when got into a relationship with someone who is now my fiance. I thought i needed to tell him, maybe it would help,I have being for councelling thereafter but have now stopped.I really try to forget but my fiance always brings it up when we fight. it hurts because i trusted and told him and now he just throws it in my face when im trying to forget. i now regret tellin him cos i now believe that he thinks its my fault. what sould i do?
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L. If I were in your shoes I would seriously look at my future with him and IF YOU truly think you can have a good future because he is a good me TO YOU, then I would ask him to seek counseling with you. Go as couples counseling, not necessarily rape counseling. Albeit, the rape will come up but the counseling is more couples therapy, to see if the relationship can improve enough for marriage. If he doesn’t want to then personally I would leave and not waste anymore time. You were right in telling him and in fact every rape survivor should tell the person first before ever becoming sexually involved. You need to know before you give yourself to him if he can handle it or not. Some say they can and we do and then to only find out later they can’t, but at least we told them. And more importantly you will determine the man (or woman) strong enough to move forward with in your life. If this person can’t handle it and doesn’t want to try (because throwing it in your face is NOT trying, it’s trying to hurt you) through professional help, then he is not the man for you and better to find out now. You’ve already been through enough abuse, you don’t need anymore, physical or mental. AND the last thing you need when you are trying to heal is someone not letting you, that’s not love. I’d rather you be happy alone then with someone and miserable. Stay strong! Lynn
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I’ve been lying to myself the last few months and it didn’t occur to me until last night. My boyfriend and I are really really happy together yet he could pick up on a few traits in which he knew wasn’t right in me. He also has dealt with female friends in the past who have been raped.
I told him no straight away and he asked a few questions because in my head.. rape was only defined one way. I thought about it as a laid there and memories came back from an incident a few months back that I had suppressed.
I was out with my friends and I met a guy, we were drinking and having fun. The place was closing up for the night and he wanted me to come back to his and I said No. Especially because I was with my friends, I couldnt leave them. The club was close to the beach, so we all seperatly went down there just to chill before we caught a taxi home because the lines were really long. He kept asking me and asking me to do somethign but i told him I wouldnt do anything more then just kissing him. In the end he had his way with me on the beach, unprotected, then left me stranded there. Once I cleaned myself up I found my friend, but I was too ashamed to say what happened. She sleeps around alot so I just pretended that I wanted it and enjoyed it, even though It was painful and unwanted. After awhile I just started t believe my story and forgot about it and just thought of it as a one night stand. Only last night have I been able to finally admit that it has happened.
I was happy and didnt really care about it until now. I’m not sure what to do. My coping mechanism is to just forget about it and move on. But thats unhealthy but how can i move on the healthy way and be happy without it being supressed.
By the way this site is awesome! thankyou.
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H. Unfortunately it can never be forgotten and we just move on or all of us would do that. The healthy way is to deal with it through professional counseling because only when we deal with it properly is when we get perspective with our thoughts and feelings. There are over 1000 posts on this site and you won’t find one that was able to move on and forget, even 20 or 30 years later, it just doesn’t happen, it is always are shadow UNTIL we look it right in the face and deal with it head on. Otherwise even if you have a few good days or months it will come out at the most inappropriate times and permeate to different facets and times in your life. What you need to keep in mind is that this was in no way your fault and as much shame as we feel it truly doesn’t define you, only the creep that did this to you. So don’t be ashamed to get the help you need and deserve. Call your local crisis center, go through your health ins or go to rainn.org to find the nearest counselor to you that specializes in rape. You’ve made the first big step by admitting it and yes it was your coping mechanism that made you think differently for a while because it’s so hard to imagine it truly happening. The other thing I would like you to do is put yourself first, not your friends and what they think now or in the future. Because this is your life and your future and only you can take the steps to take care of yourself, you are worth it! Stay strong! Lynn
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I am friends with a girl and have liked her for a while now but a year ago a guy we knew started to flirt with her. I didn’t want to loose her as a friend so even though I am pretty sure she liked me I backed down. It’s been a year now and we were hanging out when she told me that this guy had led her into going out with him. She liked him but he was always pressuring her until eventually he got his way. Now she seems to put on a happy face but any feelings she has she always pushes off. How can I get my friend back to normal will we ever be the same
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I don’t think it’s rape but 1 morning I woke up cause my brother had pi my hand on his penis and then he stuck his penis in my mouth. I’m really upset about it and I can’t tell anyone and I feel dumb 4 letting it upset me. I just wanted to tell somebody but I couldnt tell anybody I knew cause I was worried What they’d think of me. I’m 13 and just confusEd. Thank you 4 listening.
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Confused, It isn’t necessarily rape but it is sexual assault if you told him no or tried to get him to stop. You need to tell someone otherwise he most likely will try it again. So please tell someone for your own safety. Rape and sexual assault is about control and when someone does this to you, especially someone you know and you don’t tell then they feel like they are still in control and I don’t want it to be rape next time. But tell an adult, like a family member or even a guidance counselor at your school, just someone you can trust and that loves you. This is a must for your own safety. Stay strong! Lynn
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7months ago my ex and I when we were dating it had only been a week and a half had been making out it eventually led us to getting naked. Whle we were making out even fully clothed I told him I wasnt ready 20times. He said I was and he slipped on a condom while I sat on his bed not knowing what to do . I layed back down and he grabbed my legs and pulled me o end of the bed. I giggled but I also was extremely shocked. He asked if I was ready and I said that I didn’t know I want to be clear by saying I never said yes. After he put it In a little and I was a virgin at the time my mind went blank. Is this considered to be date rape? I knew I wasn’t ready after he stopped when I said it 3 times in a row
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M. I wish I could answer this for you but unfortunately this is a very grey area. You said you weren’t ready with your clothes on. Then based on what you said, you then got naked, watched him put the condom on and even giggled when he pulled you into the position of having sex. Then actually had sex before actually saying no. If I am understanding it correctly you said you weren’t ready 3 times after the fact. So IF this is the way it went down and you didn’t actually say no after you voluntarily got naked knowing what he wanted as you watched him put the condom on and then giggled still without saying no I could understand his confusion. That being said only you were there so the only way I would call this rape is IF he was forceful like holding you down against your will after letting him know you weren’t ready OR if he threatened you and you felt scared to go against him because you thought he might harm you. If in fact that happened then yes it would be rape. If you didn’t feel threatened and just not sure of what you wanted then no it isn’t rape. There is a difference between someone begging you to have sex and you not sure if you are ready or not and just go ahead with it than someone physically harming you by force totally against your will. Hope that helps. Lynn
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In response I was scared. I was molested when I was little which made me not trust guys my ex used this to gain my trust saying that he knew what is felt it like etc. I giggled because I was shocked and vbecause I was scared. I’ve been to five cpunselors maybe I shouldve explained the situation better anyway they all said it was date rape. This guy is a monster. He does drugs smokes graffittis. Apparently one time he tried to take advantage of another girl when they were high and she couldn’t speak couldn’t control her. Body but she didn’t want to have sex with him thank God that mom called and that made him stop. I feel like he can be very violent. He told me the reason why his bestfriend was always around was that so he can control him and that he had bad anger issues. I felt scared after that. Anyway apparently in a seventeen magazine there is an article stating something like even if you do get naked you can say that is as far as you can go. Before my first time he often talked and asked very frequently why stay abstinent. I told him I wanted to way until I was married and this was the same answer every time he asked. Fully clothed naked I told him no. My mind went blank I felt like I couldn’t move so in answer to your questions yes I was very scared
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M. Based on your elaboration, then yes I would agree that this was date rape as well. If he has bad anger issues and is very controlling and you felt scared because of what he might do if you didn’t then it absolutely is rape. And I also agree with the fact that you can be totally naked and say “no”. It doesn’t matter if you are dressed or not it matters that you are clear in the fact that you are not giving him permission to have sex. If you are in counseling that is the best place for you especially since you said you were molested as a child. That also could be why you froze up because those memories scared you as well. So stick with the counseling and address what happened to you as a child as well. Stay strong! Lynn
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I’m 25/female and was working as an sales engineer 1 week ago in a company which leads by family. The general manager was the father of 2 vice president of that company. One week ago we had to go a fair placed in another city. I was the only employee who can speak english and also an engineer so they also wanted me to go that fair as representer. I’d newly gratuated from university, about 5 months ago and this was my first job. I barely know these people but I had this stupid trust on anyone that I know even if I just met. Just think about how rely on these people after 3 months! I was staying at a hotel close to the fair place with the big boss. He’s about his 60s-70s. Until that time I always saw him at yeliing on other or angry about something or to somebody about work issues but on the night of the first day of the fair, he interested me very much and we had dinner on the hotel that we stayed. I saw him as my granny for God’s sakes he is 70 or so! He complimented on me several times and ofcourse I felt good about it! He told that he can offer me good opportunities about my career cos I was the most intelligent employee he ever had! After dinner he asked me for a walk to outside and I accept it. While we were giong to the coast I fell down and he helped me to get up, after that he hold my hand for the entire walking. I was scared but I thought he was just trying to help me and protecting from surroundings. We came back to the hotel and gone in to the elevator as to go in our rooms. In the elevator he brushed my hair with his hands and said me that he wants to see me more beautiful tomorrow at the fair. I was so foolish to think about he was behaving as my granny…
On the second day at fair he acted as my boss again which was acceptable for me though.. he also joked to my manager that he wanted to have a dinner with me but I refuse him. After the fair we went to the hotel and he asked me if I wanted to eat the dinner elsewhere. I said it’s ok with me. We both wore some sporty clothes and walked in a restaurant close to the hotel. He hold my hand entire walking but again I thought it was for my protection. Restaurant was quite romantic and I felt weird a bit, ‘a bit’ because there was no other option for that time. We sat and ordered meals and he also ordered a good red wine. I’ve been drinking alcohol with my parent since I was 15. It is quite normal for us to drink with elders and I thought it is also normal to drink with my boss. He narrated his past and how he lost his daughter with an upset mood and I told him how I felt really bad when I lost my grandmother. Those were the whole conversation that we made on that meal. We finished our meals and head back to the hotel. When we were leaving the restaurant we remembered that we forget our umbrella luckily the waitress bring a new one cos he broked ours, and he also bring some red roses for me. I don’t know if it was really from the restaurant or my boss but I appreciate it cos I love roses so much. While we were walking to the hotel, suddenly he put his hand into my breast. I have shocked and didn’t know what to do. He told that my breasts are amazing and continued to squeze them. I felt ashamed and feel sorry by that time. When we arrived the hotel he told me that he will give me some papers about work and commanded me to come into his room. I went there but stayed outside and he commanded me again to go inside. I did and went though the door but I knew what is going to happen somehow. I was so afraid to tell something and I stayed silent. he grab my hand and told me to relax and take off my clothes, after a little while he kissed me. He take my coat and upper clothes himself. I was like a puppet by then cos I was really shocked. Right now I am asking myself why did I let him to do these, why I didnt do anything to stop him. The one thing I could say ‘please don’t do I’m a virgin’ He stopped a while but said back that we can do something elses without touching it! He forced me to do oral to him. He touched all over my body. All that time I was closing my eyes and trying to think about something else. He cum over my vigina. I really dont remember how I went to my room. I cried all nightlong and thouht about what he’s done to me and what I am going to do… In the morning I’d my mind made up and decide to leave. I called my father directly and said him to take me somewhere close. I left the hotel and grab a taxi to where my father can take me froMy boss called me and I told him that I’ve left because what he’ve done and he told me that it was happened cos we BOTH wanted to do! I told him that I am not going to say it to anyone but my family. He got frightened but I assure him again don’t knowing why.My father took me and bring to his house in that city. Didn’t asked what entirely happened but I said that my boss tried to harrass me sexually. He felt angry but I was in a really bad mood so he left me alone. My mother came two days later, and she said to me I should go on a trial and make claims upon this situation. I refuse her because I don’t have strength to do that. It’s now 1 week gone and all this things have been disturbing my mind. I feel really bad and crying all the time. I cannot sleep cos his face comes up to my mind immediately. I am blaming myself mostly cos I let him to do this. I didnt say anything to him. I went his room and there is nothing to say right now. Please help me about what I’m going to do because all I can think is I just wanna die right now… Please help me…
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TCS, The best thing to help you right now is counseling. You are beating yourself up about letting him do this when you did nothing wrong. You trusted him and he took complete advantage of you. Rape is about control and this guy knew exactly what he was doing. I’m pretty sure it wasn’t his first time. I also bet that the people he did do this to acted like you and didn’t tell , which is why he is still getting away with it. Again, rape/sexual assault is about control and the more they can do it without getting in trouble, the more they feel in control and can do it again. So keep that in mind if you don’t go to police. I’m hoping you no longer work there, because st the very least you need to stay as far away as possible. I would even change your phone #. I would also recommend taking a self defense class. You need to forgive yourself because again you did nothing wrong. You were vulnerable and trusting because these things aren’t suppose to happen. So stop blaming yourself because he deserves all the blame for doing this to you and using your job as the basis for it. But definitely get counseling, sooner than later. You can go through all the posts on this website and won’t find one that they were able to forget or act like it didn’t happen. We all need counseling and the longer you wait the longer it takes to heal. But I promise if you can take a self defense class it will help also with your sense of security. Stay strong and try to focus on your future, because you do have control of that, but the past can not be changed. So stay focused on what you have control over. Stay strong! Lynn
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