My name is Lynn and I’m a rape survivor as well as a rape counselor. I’m 45 years old but was raped at age 38. It was a drug facilitated rape where someone slipped a date rape drug into my drink while I was out of town on a business trip. It was this most difficult thing I’ve ever been through but also the biggest accomplishment to overcome. I now live a better appreciated life. Before the rape, I didn’t know what my purpose in life was other than raising my daughter and being the best mom I could. Now I know my purpose in life is to try and help other survivors cope. For 5 years I volunteered at my local crisis center. After going through the training I realized this was exactly what I wanted to do. After completing the training I worked in the NEP (Nurse Examiner Practition). This is where they bring the survivor when the rape first happens instead of going to the hospital where doctors and nurses are not specifically trained in dealing with the rape and all the emotions that go with it. So I’m the first person they see (other than the officers, and the last person they see after getting their rape kit done). I consider this one of the most sensitive times the person will go through because it will either help towards the recovery process or if handle improperly will definitely set it back. So I’m there to make sure it is handled correctly with the care that is needed, deserved and most importantly without any type of judgment. When given the chance, I also try and counsel the family members and friends (if they are there) on what to do and what not to do to make it easier on everyone. Once I tell them that I’m a survivor as well, the connection is usually immediate and most take everything I say to heart. Before they leave I always set them up with free professional counseling. It is the best feeling in the world when they leave with a smile on their face and a glimmer of hope in their eyes.
I feel this is truly my purpose in life! So now I’m trying to reach out and give guidance to any other survivors out there that may need help. Especially those who maybe haven’t reported it or want to remain anonymous. It is a fact that the majority of rapes that happen are not reported and that is what made me want to do this website. If you would like support from someone who’s not only dealt with my own rape but also numerous others, please contact me..
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Dealing with Rape 
Hi Lynn,
I wrote to you a little while ago. I have still not seen a councilor, i went to see my doctor who was very understanding and sympathetic and i felt better after talking to him He gave me numbers to contact but every time i prepare myself to do it, something comes up. I guess i am just making excuses. I have flash backs during the day but am learning to cope with them as i did the first rape My boyfriend has been very supportive but he is having nightmares and still has so many questions The questions hurt, more because it takes me back there, i am reminded of it when i am not prepared. I want to just forget it ever happened, of course i know that is not possible. He wants to know details, where i was looking, what i said, what he said, what position i was in, he doesnt know why he wants to know these things he says he just does, but its hard for me. He cannot understand how i am dealing with this, he thinks i should be an emotional wreck, i havent got cross and i havent cried in a long time and i have only just started dreaming again, which i guess means i am sleeping better, although as yet i have not dreamed of that horrible night, but i am sure the dreams will come.
I am dealing with this each day as it comes, some days i do not think about it, others it is on my mind constantly. I do want to see a counselor but most of the places round here are just telephone conversations and i feel uncomfortable chatting to someone on the phone about this. My doctor said he could organize me talking to a counselor but they would not be rape trained, would that still be worth my while?
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N. Did you try rainn.org? Because it is my understanding that they will refer you to someone trained in rape. If you did then get this counselor number and try and get her to refer you to someone that has. And tell your boyfriend you have to get yourself together before you can worry about him. Not to sound mean but how and why are you suppose to take care of others before yourself, your not so stay strong and we both know you are ready to get to a counselor and let it out so don’t give up. Lynn
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Hi Lynn,
Thank you for being so candid and for sharing your experiences. I am writing a story for Women’s eNews, a daily news wire service dedicated to women’s issues, about the use of yoga to help victims of gender-based violence deal with traumatic stress and/or overcome abuse. I read from your blog that you started yoga after being raped yourself. I was wondering if I could talk to you about your experiences for my article. I am under a tight deadline, so if you could contact me ASAP I would really appreciate it. My email address is lmabadula@gmail.com.
Thank you and I hope to speak with you!
Lensay Abadula
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I’m in high school and trying to decide on my career because I have to as soon as possible to pick out my schedule for the next upcoming years. I’m really good at listening and helping people so I wanted to go into personal counseling. My best friend has almost been raped, my best guy friend is a rape baby (his mom was raped and she got pregnant by the rapist), and one of my other friends has been raped so I really want to help rape survivors. Is there a certain college course that I’d have to take to be a rape counselor or do I go into to personal counseling and sometimes deal with rape survivors? I could really appreciate the help because this is something I feel really strongly about and I want to help people.
Thanks,
Trees
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Trees,
My suggestion is to go to rainn.org and seek out a counselor near you and go in and aask her the questions you are asking me. They would be the ones best to tell you especially since some training is based on where you live. I have a feeling though it would be all personal counseling, unless you got your degree and then went to work for a crisis center and were the rape counselor there. You could even call your local crisis center and ask them what the requirements are to be a full time rape counselor. AND a lot of crisis centers will let you volunteer while still in school and you get credits. Just a thought. Good luck! Lynn
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Hi Lynn iwas raped by my then boyfriend aweek ago ifear sharing this out.ever since i feel empty.i dont know how to defend myself incase of another
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L.
I think a very important thing for you to try is a self defense class that will really help with your sense of security and as I always suggest try to seek counseling. You can go to rainn.org and find one close to you that specializes is rape. Also go through my different suggestions on the site to see if they can help at all. But I would definitely take a self defense class. I just did another last week. Makes you feel much stronger and confident. The other thing is always be aware of your surroundings. Stay strong! Lynn
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do you really read these and respond? i was raped a month ago by a man i thought i loved. i since filed a protection from abuse and pressed criminal charges. just having a lot feeling tonight…
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M. I do read and reply to all and it’s just me Lynn! I do have a full time day job and also volunteer counselor @ night so I’m not on here everyday but several times a week. If you ned to talk let me know. Lynn
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Thank you. I have a lot im trying to process at once. I just started counseling a couple of weeks ago. Which I suppose is a good thing. Just difficult. And the detective investigating my case called me on Friday and said the prosecuting office called and said they feel there is enough evidence to move forward. Next step is the Grand Jury. I’ll have to testify. Scary stuff. Yeah, I do need to talk…if that’s still OK
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M. of course that’s ok, it means you are ready to move forward and start the next part of your life and make it better…. Lynn
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i dont know what to do or what to say. thats why i came here. grand jury hearing is 2pm tomorrow. im not ready. i dont even know what to say. maybe this was a mistake?
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I hope things went well for you. It’s not easy but it is worth it! Stay strong! Lynn
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i was and stil am a funloving girl you would think nothing was wrong but the flashbacks of my rape which i cannot bare to say i say i was attacked are so vivid it scaes me i have a fun loving very supportive family aroud me but they havent a clue at the mo i have AGAIN reverted to drink which i know is doing me no good i wish i had the convidence to get help
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K. You need to get some help. You can not do this alone, try readings all the other posts, none of them accomplished it alone no matter how long ago it was. So the sooner you get the help the quicker your recovery. Go to rainn.org and find the nearest counselor to you and take that leap of faith for a better life. It’s not easy but obviously it isn’t easy doing nothing either, right? We both know drinking is a temporary fix that typically makes us feel even worse or more emotional later. So get the help you deserve and need, please. You can do it, it’s worth it and so are you! Stay strong! Lynn
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Grand Jury came back very quickly. Indicted on 4 counts rape, 2 counts kidnapping and one count felonious assault. I feel overwhelmed. scared. alone…i sleep on the couch with the lights on, i wear my sneakers to bed in case i need to run away quickly. my life is unrecognizable and i am a shell of the person i used to be. so no things are not ok and im not staying strong…
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M. I know you are scared, we all go through it but you need to know you did the right thing and you got the right results, which some unfortunately don’t. I’m proud of you and you are strong to go through that, even though it doesn’t feel like it now it IS something you will be proud of later because you got the asshole off the streets. Now stop trying to deal with this yourself. You’ve said by your own admission you are not doing good and you don’t feel strong, well it won’t get better if you don’t do anything to help yourself deal. And you can’t do it alone. So go to a professional counselor and you won’t be alone. They can’t come to you honey you have to go to them. And if you can go to court and face your attacker, you can go to a counselor for help. That is why I know you are strong inside even though you feel week, you have the strength deep down you just really have to reach for it. It takes more strength to go to court and YOU DID IT. So now help yourself. Go to rainn.org and don’t be alone anymore. Also I’m telling you if you take a self defense class it will help 150%, I promise. But it doesn’t matter if we go back and forth with words, it may help a little but you have to help yourself and go through the necessary actions to get the proper help. You may even want to visit your doctor to see if you are suffering from PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) and see if you are how they can help. Just promise me you won’t give up. and don’t beat yourself up for having natural feelings after rape, it’s ok and common. But the longer you wait to get the professional help you need the longer you will be stuck in this place you are in. So get the help. Lynn
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Believe it or not I am in counseling and I still feel this way. But i appreciate your words and the time it took for you to write your response to me. She isn’t an actual rape counselor, and I think that may be what I need right now to get me to get this off my chest. My case isn’t over yet. I just faced the Grand Jury and they voted for a true bill which means he will be indicted on the 7 counts I mentioned above. His arraignment is Oct 14th and then we’ll see what’s to come. I’m trying to take it one step at a time. It was reporting the rape. Then making the trip back to Ohio and talking face to face with police. Then all the back and forth phone calls. And the PFA. That hearing…etc. Just one baby step at a time, instead of looking at all the things I had to do to put this monster behind bars. It’s overwhelming. When I go to counseling she just leaves it so open for me to talk about whatever and believe me i’ll talk my way right around the issues. I did work with a legal advocate from RCC in Ohio-where the rape took place. I did make a call to our local Crive Victims Center here in town and I go on Monday. It’s just hard and right now all the support in the world probably wouldn’t seem like enough. If any of this even makes sense?
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M. You know something you can try, if I already didn’t tell you this. Write out your feelings, everyday, especially when you are overwhelmed, just as an immediate release to get all the thoughts out of your head and onto paper. Then take them to your counsleor whether it is your current counselor or your new one. That will help them understand your triggers and how to deal with them and possibly help the counselor get to your more deep rooted problems that you skirt around. Just a suggestion. Whatever you do don’t give up. I know you feel drained but you are doing everything right, trust me. More than most do so dig deep for that inner strength because it is there. I’m so proud of what you have accomplished!!! Stay strong! Lynn
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i was raped when i turned 13. I turned to drugs and alcohol. i had blocked it out for so long. i went to conciling but didn’t open up. now im looking for help but have put my barrier up hugely. just now i read the types of rape and mine was submissive. I’m now 16. i don’t know who to talk to now. could you give me any adivce. thankyou for making this website it’s made me understand myself a lot more.
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N C I’m so glad the site could help you.. I’m glad you were strong enough to go to counseling but I need you to not give up on it. You need the help of a professional and the sooner the better. Let me make a couple of suggestions to help you communicate better with your counselor. You can either go to a new counselor or the same depending on how you feel. You know you are ready to talk which is why you came here. So I want you to start writing out your feelings, everyday, good or bad doesn’t matter. If you have a hard time sleeping, try writing about an hour or 1/2 an hour before you go to bed. This is an excellent release so your mind can stop working and relax. Then when you go to your counselor give what you wrote to the counselor to help break the ice and they can see your real feelings and where you are in life based on what happened. This is also an excellent way for your counselor to determine trigger points, like if something really upsets you or stirs up feelings. So start there and remember drugs and alcohol are only temporary cover ups and typically make you feel even worse the next day or when you come down. So be aware and very careful, because it is only destructive behavior. And all you are doing by that is letting the asshole that did this to you continue to ruin your life. Your attacker doesn’t deserve to ruin another day or your life, so don’t let him. Take back control and get help. Don’t give up on yourself! Stay strong! Lynn
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Hi Lynn,
First off I want to say that I am a writer. I’ve never been very good at giving advice. When people tell me their problems, I want to help because I have a very strong empathy. It’s like I can feel the ghost of their pain but I don’t know what to say or how to help. I want to be able to help women and young teens who have been raped so I did it the only way I knew how. I wrote a book. While researching the subject your website came up and has been so helpful I wanted to thank you.
The book is a fictional story about a seventeen year old girl who is raped by a boy in her class. She doesn’t learn to deal with it and winds up trying to commit suicide. As she is about to end her life, an angel stops her. He tells her that God had granted her a wish. She wishes for the rape to never have happened and wakes up as her six year old self with no memory of living another life, only an unknown fear. The fear changes her and she grows up differently. On the night she would have been raped, she changes her decision to go to the party and isn’t raped but suddenly remembers everything. She realizes that if she wasn’t abducted by the boy then someone else was, and because of her previous knowledge she is able to save her. While helping her friend deal with being raped she learns to deal with it herself.
Your site was extremely helpful to me while writing this book. I was wondering if you would object to me openly acknowledging your website in the book’s pages and in the acknowledgments and giving the link to it? Or is there some other way of acknowledgement you might prefer?
I cannot tell you enough how much you and your website helped me in my book. I hope that my book will help rape survivors and may direct them to your website for more help.
Thanks again. Please let me know if I may acknowledge and link to your website.
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Kira, I would love it if you acknowledged my website in your book, the more people we can help the better. I would like to have a copy of your book as well. I’m going to send you an email with my info. Thanks! Lynn
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Hello Lynn. I was raped twice last year. Once in August 2010 and the other time was December 2010 in which case I was attacked by two men. I was 17 at the time. I have become way too good at faking that I am okay and I tend to bottle my emotions until I explode. The only people that know are a few of my closest friends and my mother. My mother brought it up to me yesterday and began to cry to me about how guilty she feels and how she thinks that this was all her fault. Her guilt makes me feel even more guilty. I feel like I should not even have told her and that I am now responsible for the guilt that she carries. I am not the type of person to open up to anyone and I never let anyone see that I am hurting or upset. The only person I usually go to is my mom and now I feel guilty for putting her in that situation and do not know where else to turn. I can’t go to any of my friends because every time I go to them for the smallest issue they usually shrug me off and don’t listen so how could I possibly go to them with something big like this. I just had a mental break down about this about an hour ago and I just can’t sleep with all of this on my mind and I didn’t really know what else to do.
I read your story and you are truly an inspiration. After going through the traumatic experience of rape and being as strong as you are just gives me hope. I consider myself a strong person at times but right now I am a complete mess and i just want the pain to go away.
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I. The first thing you need to do is tell your Mom how you feel that way she stops putting the pressure on you. I’m sure she is not doing it on purpose but you have to let her know how it is making you feel. As much as you need to talk about it and you do by coming here and telling your Mom, you need to get to a professional that can help you. Only they can help you understand how to move past these feelings. You can contact your local crisis center or go to rainn.org to find the nearest counselor to you that specializes in rape. Something else that you can do immediately until you can get to one is about 30 mins or so before bed I want you to write out all your feelings for the day. Good or bad it doesn’t matter, just get them out of your head for a mental break. If you do this every night it will start to help your quality of sleep and the more sleep you have the less anxiety. You can throw the paper away or you can reflect to find what triggers you as well as what makes you feel better and learn to concentrate of those. Just know that your family & friends can only do so much but they can’t help the healing process. You have to work hard to get there but I promise you it is worth it and it’s NOT as hard as what you’ve already been through so just do it, because you and your future is WORTH IT! Stay strong! Lynn
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I’m a rape survivor. I was raped by a male and female neighbor when I was 5 and they were 15. I was also raped by my older brother from the time I was 6 until 13.
I told multiple people through out my childhood, even my parents and nothing was ever done to stop it. My mother often said she didn’t know what to do, and my father told me he thought it was normal childhood exploration, ie., show me yours and I’ll show you mine.
I’m 34 years old now, a single father of a two year old daughter and it took years of therapy and self reflection to get to a point in my life that I was proud of who I am and happy with myself.
Rape is something that isn’t understood by people that have not experienced it, though women tend to be much more understanding than men. I spent my childhood, adolescence and my early adult hood basically being a horrible angry person. I was mad at the world, mad at God, mad at my parents and the list goes on. I hated men, and spent a majority of my life fighting. My relationships with women were strained because I was so angry that I often took it out on them in the form of verbal abuse. I was hated in the community in which I lived, but no one knew what I had been through because I never felt anyone would understand, so I internalized my pain and expressed it in violence toward any and all men.
I spent 10 years in therapy and although I am not the angry person I used to be, I still have a distrust of all men.
I continue to go to a therapist bi-weekly, because it’s important for me to be a good parent for my daughter, and to ensure that I’m a positive role model of other victims of sexual abuse. As a college student, I’ve written papers on my experiences of rape, and written papers on rape blame.
It’s important that as a victim, that you seek help as quickly as possible. That you are not to blame, even if you did make bad choices in trying to deal with it on your own. Find people to tell, and continue telling your story until someone listens. But it’s important to get your story out so others can also learn from what you’ve been through.
I started seeing a woman months ago, and had her copy edit one of my papers for my composition class, a narrative discussing my rape experiences. Her reading my paper caused her to open up to me about her experiences. Not only did her brother rape her as a child, but she was raped by someone she had met at a local grocery store and subsequently became pregnant and now has a 2 year old bi-racial boy as a result of that rape. She lost her husband, over the situation, lost friends and even her parents didn’t believe her. Saying that she put herself in that position. Because of me, she’s now going to therapy to deal with her trauma that she has buried.
I find it important as a man to share my story with women, because I have a unique ability to completely understand rape.
Don’t ever give up seeking help, never blame yourself and don’t listen to those that do blame you. It’s often easier for others that can’t identify with you, or understand what you went through to blame you than it is for them to understand and accept. It’s also important for you to know that you’re not alone, and while the humiliation and violation you feel from your situation is something you’d like to forget, the reality is you can’t. Seek help, and talk about it. It helps a lot more than you think.
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Jeff, I’m so glad you found my site and shared your story! BRAVO!! You sound like an amazing person with strength and perseverance! I’m glad you got the life you are WORTHY of and deserve and not scared to work for it! Stay strong! Lynn
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Hi Lynn,
I was raped 3 weeks ago. The 3 things I am finding hardest to deal with by far are: not having retold the whole story to anyone since the initial statement (which took no less than 8 hours to give); not being able to remember certain details; and a complete lack of information from the police (this happened on holiday abroad, my only point of contact is via email, and it takes days to get a reply and even then not all of my questions are answered). I know 2 of the boys were arrested, but that is about it.
I figured if i briefly shared my story perhaps it would help. I was in a bar on my own on holiday (my boyfriend and I had been separated from each other). I talked to some guys who kept inviting me back to a party…I declined. We all got kicked out of the bar as it was closing…at this point I was very drunk and completely lost. The next thing I remember was being put on the back of a scooter. To cut a long story short he took me back to his apartment, made me get into his bed, and started trying to stroke my legs. I told him no and I didnt want sex with him. Before I knew what had happened he was yanking down my tights and underwear, I looked to my left and his friend (who was also in the bed) smirked at me. Then he got on top and raped me.
After that, he kind of handed me over to 3 other friends, who took me in a car to another apartment. One guy (‘the main guy’) made me go to the bed with him while the other 2 sat on the sofa. Again, before I knew what had happened, he was yanking my tights and underwear off. I dont know how much detailed information I can share on this site so I will leave it at that for now, all I can say is that it went on for hours and one of his friends joined in too. Eventually they drove me to a taxi rank and told the driver to take me to my hotel, they even paid him, but as soon as the door was closed I asked the driver to take me to the police station.
I really just dont know how to cope with this. I need to share the story but I cant tell my parents, and although my boyfriend and best friend would happily listen without complaint, I know they don’t WANT to hear the whole detailed story because it is distressing to them, and I dont want to tell the story to somebody who doesnt want to hear it.
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B. Let me start by saying that you don’t need to give the details to anyone other than a professional counselor. I understand your need to share and that means you want to heal and are ready to let it out. The more you let out the more room you have to heal and this is a GREAT step because most want to repress and that is so detrimental to the healing process. You are so brave and sounds like so ready for the support you deserve and need BUT your boyfriend, friends and family are not the ones that can give you what you need. The only people that truly understand and can empathize are other survivors or professionals that have been trained (counselors, therapist, pyschiatrists). All they can do is be a shoulder to cry on or be with you for a sense of security. That is very important but it is more important to talk to someone that can truly listen and help you deal. You don’t want to tell them the details because they don’t know how to handle it and the typical reaction is to act like it never happened because it hurts too much and that is the worst thing that we need. When we need to talk about we need to get it out not keep it in. So get into counseling as soon as you can because the longer you wait the longer it takes to heal. Also read through “steps in the healing process” to find things that can help in the meantime or interim of counseling. Stay strong! Lynn
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Hi there all.
I have been struggling with rape for 12 years and I am still finding it so difficult to accept . I feel like every aspect of my life has been affected since it happened and I haven’t even realised.
I was raped by a friend of my ex husbands. After our seperation he became bitter and spread dreadful rumours about me. One night about 1 am there was a lot of banging on the front door. I woke up panicking that something had happened to my children ( they were away), threw a baggy jumper on and opened the door without thinking. The man was drunk and and fell on me dragging me to the floor. I couldn’t stop him but as he became violent I defended myself. when things got really out of hand something switched off in my head and I froze until it was over. It carried on for about an hour and at there are some parts I just cant remember. Something that plays over in my mind is that I didn’t say no. I was so shocked and then froze. I couldn’t speak. For this I blame myself and for opening the door to start with. The most humiliating part was the way he dismissed the incident afterwards. His words were ‘ Sorry I’m not usually like this but I had a row with the wife’. I have no family support as people just cant deal with it but in my mind this has turned into the fact that as no one believes me it cant of really happened. So for 12 years I have ignored it.
I often feel guilty and ashamed as well as bitter. I still feel that it was my fault. I am in counselling and try to work really hard but its always one step forward two steps back. Rape has affected all my relationships since, self esteem and so on . I would really appreciate some help on the acceptance bit so I can move on. I feel really desperate at times.
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M. I think the healing step you specifically need is “forgiveness”. And I don’t mean you forgiving him, no he deserves all the blame, I mean to forgive yourself. It’s not acceptance, it’s forgiveness. You are not to blame because you opened the door, nor are you to blame because you didn’t say no. First of all do you thing he would have really stopped if you said no? It’s not like he asked you first. If he did or if he had made an advance you would have said no. But what you did was called going into “safety mode”. Which was probably the best thing you could have done. So right now STOP thinking it was a bad thing and turn it around that might be why you are even able to write this to me. You already said he was heavily drunk, then got violent, so whats to say he couldn’t have done worse like get so violent as to kill you and not even realize it? You went into safety mode to get out of the situation. Don’t get me wrong rape if horrific and only the second worst thing that can happen which is murder. But guess what you did survive murder that night. So that makes you a true survivor of that situation and rape. So from this day forward, take all that counseling and stand up tall, hold your head high and look at where you have come to now and think hard about where you want to go. Forgive yourself for not placing all that blame where it belonged, on the person that did this to you. Forgive yourself for letting this rape control your life up to this point. And commend yourself for getting to where you are today, because it takes a strong individual and being joyful in the life you saved. Remember you can’t change the past we do have control in our future. Focus on that and the positive and you will be just fine. Stay strong! Lynn
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I’m a 16 year old girl, I was in a 7 month relationship last year and we broke up and I was devastated then one day we spoke again I was so happy, my friends parents went away for 4 days so we had a free house and I said he could come over, he brought 3 of his cousins who were from 16-23 years old. Me and my friends drank alcohol before they came then when they had arrived the cousins gave me and my two friends jack daniels and red bull, I was so drunk. Then me and my ex went upstairs and had sex which I consented too then his cousin shouted and he left then I remember lieing on the bed and heard someone come in, I thought it was my ex, I remember hearing a belt buckle hit the floor and he climbed in bed, it was his 23 year old cousin, he climbed on top of me I told him to get off but he wouldn’t I tried pushing him away but he pinned my hands down and raped me alls I could do was cry. This happened in september 2011 I haven’t told my mam cos she’s been through a lot and don’t want her to feel guilty. Since the rape I’ve let boys/men use me for sex, I can’t physically say no anymore its so hard, I don’t know what to do anymore. I keep having nightmares about it, my friends know and some help me but its not enough, I feel like I hate myself, should I see a councillor?
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E. Yes you should definitely see a counselor. What you are doing is very common, you are having consensual sex to try and overcome the rape. This never helps, its only a quick fix like drugs and drinking, and you always feel worse afterwards. Go to the international websites I have listed as hotlines on the home page and get to counseling. The longer you wait the longer it takes to heal. You have to deal with the rape and get your head straight before you can have another trusting relationship, which is what you need not just sex. You deserve someone that cares for you not uses you. Stay strong! Lynn
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Hi Lynn,
I’m 16 and was almost raped by a stranger on my way home last night. I didn’t really feel comfortable telling my mom, but I did call her up straight away and told her some guy tried to take my bag (which he also tried), and she came to pick me up straight away. I’m still pretty shaken, and even though he only really groped me then ran off when I hit him with my bag, it still makes me feel quite sick thinking about what could have happened.
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G. You were very lucky even though I know it was still very scary. My suggestion to get over the feeling is to take some self defense classes. That will totally get you in a better frame of mind now and in the future. Not sure why you don’t want to tell your mom but that is up to you. My thought on that is if it was my daughter I would want her to be able to come to me. Either way go take some self defense classes and I promise it will help you. Again I’m so glad you were able to get away from a horrible situation. Stay strong! Lynn
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I was 21 years old when I was raped by my ex. I lost my virginity and mostly my trust. I am 28 years old and trying to not push a guy away. I just want to say to you that you are my inspiration to help others but I wish I knew I how to push the insecurities and feelings away. I do.
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M. It’s not easy as you well know. However you have to believe that there are good guys out there too. Yes there are bad but there are more good. I will tell you there are a couple of things you can do to help your insecurities. #1) is get your head and body right. Counseling for the mental part and self defense class for your body and mind. If you haven’t tried counseling definitely do it because as you can see it is 7 years later and you are still negatively effected by it and it seems to still be controlling your life. I want you to concentrate on your future not your past and in order to do that you must face your past head on and learn how to cope. Let me give you something to think about. Rape is about control (not you) and every day that goes by that this is consuming your life is another day that the rapist is in control and don’t give him another minute because he doesn’t deserve it. Go see a counselor face it head on, deal with it and once you have your head on straight you will be able to move forward instead of letting the past consume you. If you’ve already tried counseling, go to someone different because it obviously didn’t work OR you just need more. Remember we can’t change the past but we can take control of our future. another thing I would recommend is any future guys you meet that you think you might be able to get serious with, make sure you tell them you are a rape survivor BEFORE having sex. This will weed out the guys that are in it for the long run or not and those you can trust and will have empathy with you. That being said you do NOT need to go into details, just that you are a rape survivor. Trust me the last thing you want is to put time and heart into a relationship with someone that can’t handle it or you find out isn’t serious. Stay strong! Lynn
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I was raped twice by my boyfriend, now my exboyfriend when I was 14. It was my freshman year in October. I’m 15 now and am going into sophomore year. I turned to alcohol for a few months until my best friend stopped me. My mom dosen’t know exactly what happened. She wouldn’t listean to me, she just said I had wanted it and let it go. The only person that knows is my best friend. I see him everywhere I go. He goes to my school and would be a junior this year. I just don’t know if I can handle seeing him everyday in the halls. Whenever he sees me he just smirks and I don’t know what to do anymore. Whenever I’m around people or friends im ether happy or acting like I am, but when I’m alone I’m always sad. He lives really close to me and I have to see him practially every day and it’s horrible. Whenever Im close to forgetting about it, something happends and makes me remember it again. I just don’t know what to do anymore.
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K. The first thing you do is go tell a guidance counselor at school. Tell then what happened, youd mom doesn’t believe you and you don’t know whereto turn. Let them know you got the advice from this website. That in itself will make them believe you and more importantly take care of your well being. What you need to understand and why I’m concerned for you is that rape is about control (not you as a person). So what that means is everyday that goes by and the person is not held accountable or at the very least “outed” then they remain in control (so they think). And when they think they are in control, then they think they not only have gotten away with it but can do it again. Maybe with you or with someone else. So PLEASE tell a guidance counselor or even a police officer. If you have the clothes that haven’t been washed from when it happened or anything that could link him to the crime that is great, but even if you don’t the fact that you are reporting him puts him on the radar for any future incidents. OR if he has been turned in before now you can also be a victim to join forces to put him away. My main concern whether or not you turn him in to the police is your safety. Going back to the control issue and the fact that he knows your routine and you see him all the time, I’m so scared for you that he will try again because he feels in control and can. So PLEASE at the very least tell a school counselor and tell them what I’ve said and ask for help. Maybe they will be able to reach out to your mother and help her to help you like you need. Another thing is I would ask for counseling and that in itself not only will help you tremendously (you need it no matter what) but maybe that will also bring your mom around to giving you the support you need. Either way you need it, so don’t let that rely on your mom. So get counseling, and I would also suggest self defense classes ESPECIALLY if you have to continue to see him. Hopefully you can change schools or get home schooled or someothing to get you away but if that doesn’t happen make SURE you take self defense classes. And no need to tell anyone just do it and have that car din your back pocket to use when needed. Stay strong! Lynn
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My girlfriend and I are very serious. We are 14 and she was raped on a run she was on at night and has made me promise not to tell anyone. This is the girl I want to marry and have a family with. We have had sex and almost tried anal but when I almost did she didn’t let me and at first I didn’t know why until she told me later it was because of her rape. The worst part is she refuses with all her power to tell any figure of authority her parents are wry cruel and won’t understand if she tells them. She won’t get therapy I’m the only one she can talk to about it. I really need your help as to how to either A) get her to tell someone or B) get her help from me. Thanks and I hope you can help us.
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JTB. This is difficult because A) you both are too young to be dealing with sex ESPECIALLY after her being raped. I realize you were unaware but trying to deal with sex without rape at such a young age is crazy and then throw in the rape, just unheard of. If you really want to know how to help, stop having sex. I’m worried the reason she is having sex with you is for all the wrong reasons like to be accepted or to know that she in fact can have sex. Some people that are raped go through a period afterwards of having meaningless sex just to know they can still go through the motions or to try and see if they can still deal with there sexuality. Now I’m not trying to say she doesn’t care about you, it’s not that. It’s the fact that we feel we have to push ourselves to try not to seem damaged. Do you understand? So it’s not making love, it’s purely going through the motions, emotionless so we don’t feel broken. This type of sex sometimes leads to many sex partners or in your case can possible lead to emotionless sex, taking away the love factor. I don’t think that is the kind of sex you want to be having. And until she gets the proper counseling (which you can not force, she must be ready and willing) she isn’t going to understand the difference of approval sex and making love, that I can guarantee you. She doesn’t understand that now so if you really love her stop having sex. Show her your love in other ways. Hopefully she will eventually get counseling but if you continue to have sex it will only make thing worse either now or later no matter what she says to you. You don’t want her to think sex with you is her job or to feel normal, you want it because she wants to make love to you. I know this isn’t what you want to hear but I hope you take this to heart. Stay strong! Lynn
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Over the last 2 years I got raped 3 times. The first time was with a guy who I was dating at the time. He wanted sex and I agreed with the condition of using condoms. He refused and after hours of trying to change my mind he pushed me down and raped me, without protection.
A few months later my neighbour knocked on the door. Had talked to him a few days prior and trusted him (his missus was about to give birth to their third child). He started stroking my legs. After telling him to quit it several times he proceeded trying to kiss me and feel me up. Much of what happend next I can’t remember. Only random moments of trying to get him off me on my bed, sitting dazed against the wall and the disgusting moment when he succeeded in raping me above the kitchen sink. The next day I thought it had been a bad dream, felt completely numb, until I looked in the mirror and saw the bruises.
The third time happend half a year after that. At that stage my partner went to jail and I moved in with his aunt and uncle. The uncle was very hands on and open with sex talk. Apparantly it was normal for them. I got confused about boundaries and let him touch me. One night I told him about my neighbour raping me. I was drinking at the time. Upset and a complete mess he gave me a comforting hug. Suddenly he was on top, pushed my underwear and nightgown out of the way and raped me. After that night I felt disgusted with my self and continued to put myself in situations where he did it again and again. It was my punishment to myself for letting my guard down. This continued until my partner came home. After several offers of having an affair (it felt like I could refuse now that my partner was home) the uncle evicted me and forbade me to drop by (my partner was on home detention). He came by in my new house and offered an affair again. A week after refusing my partner broke up with my because of rumours that had been spread.
Now I still can’t stop the rapes affecting my life. I have tried counseling and trying to accept that it happend but the disgust and anger don’t dissapear. Every couple nights I have nightmares about it. Just started a new relationship with a lovely guy. I don’t want the rapes to affect this. Do you have any advice how to work through it and not let it affect our relationship?
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S. I’m really sorry this happened to you and I do have some advice but I don’t think you are gonna like it. My advice is before you get into any relationship with a guy you need to seek counseling or therapy to get over your rapes and it isn’t going to be a couple months. You have to set the time aside to take care of yourself and recognize what is going on around you and have the strength to know in your mind this is never going to happen again. Until you are able to deal with them properly they WILL ALWAYS affect your relationships. And you yourself can not deal with them alone because we are not wired on how to deal with rape. Only people that have been through it and successfully dealt with it through the proper counseling or trained professionals know how. And you seemed very confused about some things that you need to KNOW that are warning signs and stand up for yourself and get your self worth. No man can give that to you, you must work at it and put the time and effort in yourself. I think counseling and taking a self defense class is exactly what you need and stay away from relationships until you have a good grip on your healing. Stay strong! Lynn
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During the ages of 10-13. I was molested with my friend over 3 years by her step-grand father. We haven’t told anyone. Then when I was 15, my friends step father also molested me on and off for a year. Havent told anyone. When I was 17 I moved out of province and started going out with a guy for about 2 years, and had a son at 19, and when I came to visit my family at age 20, I went downtown with a couple of friends, it was my first time going out drinking and I guess I didn’t know my limits, and while walking home that night (which is 10 minutes from where I was, and it is very common for anyone to walk alone at night in this small town) I was raped. I sat on the side of the road and a cab pulled up and offered me a ride home, even though I had no money. The driver said he wouldn’t want his daughter to be out here , and gave me a ride for free, and I believe that in all the negative that happened to me, that was my sort of guardian angel that night. I’m 24 years old now, and I have a hard time dealing with the rape the most, and i also have not told anyone. One quote however that helps me a little to deal with everything, is a definition of forgiveness. And it’s not the typical definition that most of us go by. But in this definition, it means to give up hope that the past could have been any different.
I hope you can give me some insight on what to do. If I should seek professional counselling. I’m reading over all these posts and it helps to know other stories. Thanks for your time.
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JP. Sorry for the delay, I have been extremely busy but glad I have a chance to help. You absolutely need counseling for your, your son and your future. This happened so often and for so long you probably have blurred lines on how a life without molestation should be. I NEED you to get into counseling and tell EVERYTHING. Don’t hold anything back. I believe that his contributed to the vicious cycle of what happened to you. I don’t mean that is was your fault in ANY way, what I mean is rape/molestation is about control NOT YOU. The more the person gets away with it the more they do it because they are still in control. By not saying anything they remained in control and kind of still are now because no one knows. They don’t deserve ANOTHER minute of your life! The minute you get therapy you are taking back control of your life. You and your son deserve this. The more you get out through therapy the more room you have to heal. God forbid this happened to your son, what would you want him to do? We both know you would want him to tell you and get him the help he needs. You are no different and you both deserve a happy life. That is how you have to look at it and now you need to do something about it. I feel privileged that I was able to help you get that ball rolling by you telling your story to me. You are reaching and ready for help. I also want you to consider taking a self defense class because that is really going to help with your sense of security and confidence. Get into therapy asap so you can take back control of your life. Stay strong! Lynn
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I haven’t received any reply since Saturday. Does it normally take a few days for the post to get approved ect? Will I recieve an email notification? Just curious. Sorry to bother.
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JP Sorry for the delay, please see my response on your previous email. Lynn
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I wasn’t sure how this worked. But thankyou for the reply! I have emailed a therapist today to see what I can work out. And I understand what your trying to tell me about the control. My sons father was very controlling, and used my abuse against me, saying things of how he wished I was “finished off” when I was raped, meaning killed. That relationship made me numb, and i never realized how bad it was, it just became normal. It took me years to leave him, but I am finally on my own, and have no contact with him. I feel stronger already, and Im Definitely ready to open up, and recieve help. Thank you so much! You have no idea what your encouraging words mean & how much this site helps. THANK YOU. Much respect From Newfoundland, Canada!
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Hello.
I just came across your site and had a few questions. I would like to create a similar site or blog so that I can help other survivors. I also would like to try and speak at events so that people are more aware of rape and what it does to people. I went through all the reporting and all I want to do now is help others. I want to write a book sharing my years of rape and abuse and be able to show people that there is hope for them. What steps do you think I should take in order to achieve this?
Then I was also wondering if there are any treatment centers for depression, ptsd, and rape survivors. Places that offer like 28 day counseling and a live in type of set up. If you know of any, please let me know,
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my mail.
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A. I think that is wonderful because rape survivors need all the help and support they can get and it is especially more poignant when it comes from a survivor. I’m not sure of any specific treatment centers other than mental health and local crisis centers. But one thing I do know other than writing a book you need to have some type of training if you want to work somewhere to help others. So my suggestion is volunteering at your local crisis center. You typically have to go through a vigorous training but it is well worth it and they always need volunteers. The training pretty much covers everything crisis oriented but trust me it all helps, especially when the person is talking about killing themselves or doing bodily harm. Speaking publicly you can go to universities which they typically all have rape survivor groups and or churches. Go online and do your research to see if there are any groups you might be able to join. I’m proud of you that you have come so far, keep up the good work and stay strong! Lynn
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I just turned 24 yrs old on Jan.14. I met the father of my three boys when I was 15 yrs old, he was my first boyfriend and to this day the only relationship I ever been on. I had a very abusive childhood on my mother’s hands. I was molested for the first time by my grandma’s neighbor when I was 7 yrs old after walking in on him molesting his granddaughter with her sitting on his lap in front of the tv while watching porn movies. I froze and didn’t know what to do because it was as if someone had taking away my ability to speak. All I could get out in a very faint voice was “let her go” and called Monica to me (I believe she was 4 yrs old at the time) but she couldn’t move either. I have never forgotten the terrified look in her face. He put her down and walked towards me placing one hand on my cheek and the other on my back pulling me to him. He started rubbing against me and I could feel his erection against my chest. He called Monica over to us and I pushed him away and in an even faintier voice said “please don’t leave her alone Im here instead” and he smiled. I don’t know why I said that but this was my little friend who I played with almost everyday. her mom and my mom grew up together and her grandparents have been my grandma’s neighbor since forever (he dies of a heart attack a few yrs back while calling for my grandma to come help, she never heard him and im glad she didn’t). He said I would be punished if I told and no one woud believe me so I never did. I let him touch me, put me on the ground and rub against me but asked him to never touch Monica again and I wouldn’t fight him, I kept my word on that. he used to show up after school saying he was sent to take me to grandma’s. the whole time in the car the would have his hand up my skirt and he would park in different place to masturbate while touching me. it went on like this for about a yr and every ride took longer and longer. then he started asking me to take off my underwear and sit on top of him and the first time I started crying and he didn’t like that so he said he could make it hurt if I didn’t stop whining, I kept thinking it alrady hurt but stoped crying in fear it would hurt a lot more. This continued for about 3-4 times a week for the next year. One day I was in lunch break which also included recess and he showed up while I was buying snacks and took me someplace I don’t remember if it was a park or woods cause all I remember where trees everywhere and for the first time he asked me to bend over took my panties of and spit on me. I tried to get away because I knew what was coming but he pinned me down on the backseat and told me not to make him hurt me so I stopped fighting. First he put his penis between my butt cheeks (sorry if im graphic its the first time I tell anyone and don’t know how else to say it) and started masturbating that way. Then I felt the most horrifying pain ever, he had his finger inside my back hole. I bleed and while doing this he masturbated to his satisfaction and when he was done he dropped me off at school. I was in enormous pain all day and pee myself in class so the school tried contacting my mom and when they coudnt they called my grandma. Not knowing anything in innocence she sent him to get me cause her car was at the shop. Longest ride home ever. He spoke like nothing was wrong. Whenever Monica was there I would have her with me at my grandma’s all day specially when her grandma wasn’t home. Then a coupe months after I turned 10 yrs old my family moved to New Jersey and I decided to forget about it all and act like nothing had ever happened because I was just so glad it was over. So there I was end of freshman yr when I meet the father of my chidren at a club. Our relationship became very serious very fast. At sixteen I lost my virginity to him and became pregnant after my mom kicked me out thinking I was already having sex when I wasn’t. Then our relationship started getting abusive fairly quickly. He would beat me whether I was pregnant or not and I endured it because ‘I loved him’. Stupid me right? I tried putting a stop to it by getting a permanent restraining order in 2009 after he tried hitting me with his car which never kept him away. wanting stability for my children and in fear of no one else ever wanting to be with me (because of low self-esteem) he always won and I would go back to him. In 2011 he walked out on us and kicked my children and myself on the streets. In 2012 I couldn’t take his manipulation and control anymore so I bought plane tickets for me and my children and left back to Puerto Rico. Not even two whole months after being there I was in the house I rented sleeping with my boys when I heard my side door open, it was around 5am. I went to take a look and found myself face to face with a man in my living room. I tried running to the kitchen for a knife but he was faster and started beating me all the way down the hall into my bathroom, threw me on the hallways floor and started rappin me and because my babies where sleeping in the other room I didn’t scream in fear he woud hurt them if they woke up and came out. my babies still woke up and saw him on top of me, while I was on my belly, rapping me. they started crying but wouldn’t move and all I could say to them was that everything was alright and to close the door and hide in the closet. I said this to them in English hoping he wouldn’t understand and he didn’t. My babies were so brave and did as I asked. I left Puerto Rico four months later. My baby daddy had tried rapping me after beating me five days before I had left to P.R. Me being back he tought he could have his control over me again as I struggled to fight this control I still had to endure beatings on his behave whenever he was mad or jealous. Cops were involved in many occasions and even with the R.O he was only fined and put in probation every single time. I had to put up wit DYFS also cause he would constantly call them with different accusations and even after I passed every drug test and my kids were cleared of abuse they never to this day left my life. They actually gave him custody of my children on Dec.6, 2013 because I tried moving out of state to get away from him. All because i’m diagnosed with manic bipolar disorder they said I could be a threat to their safety and until they are satisfied im not they wont give them back. Even though im allowed to speak to them over the phone once a day and have them every weekend he never allowed it. On this past Christmas I called my boys and like always he started arguing about money and what it was I was doing. He said o me he could drown my 3 yr old in the tub and make it look like an accident if I kept challenging him so I stopped calling so often to keep my baby safe. On Jan. 8, 2014, my second child’s 5th bday he showed up unannounced at my apt while I was at my neighbor’s and called me asking where I was and for the rest of the kids clothes. When I went into my apt he was already inside and had taken my debit card saying if I wanted it back I had to give him money. When I said he could keep it cause I wasn’t giving him money he said then we could work something out and he would let me take the kids for a week if I had sex with him. Obviously, I refused. This got him furious. He started hitting me and because of health problems (I was diagnosed wit cancer, sarcoma, eight months ago) I no longer have the same strength to defend myself. He pinned me on my knees against the couch and pulled my pants and panties down and started rapping me. It was the most horrible pain I ever felt. I had not had intercourse with a male in 3 yrs ever since we broke up so it felt worst than losing my virginity, like all my insides were beings demolished. I felt like I was being tortured. I couldn’t and still cannot believe he could do such a thing. He came very fast he was rapping me for mayb 5min but it felt like days. When he was done he cleaned himself and left. When I got to Atlantic City to a friends house I was staying at cause I was in the moving out process he was already there with my two youngest kids. he opened the door gave me the baby and said “a deal is a deal here are the kids”. Next day he showed up again to get them unannounced and asked me to give him $600 more although I had two days before given him my son’s SSI check for $611 (my oldest is autistic and has adhd). When I said I didn’t have it he started to come at me but I closed the door fast and my friends helped me keep him out so he left. I hadn’t told anyone but on the 13th my mom and dad took me to press charges and I decided to say everything. I didn’t shower for 2 days not wanting to wash away evidence not knowing what to do but coudnt take it and had to wash him off me but I kept the dirty underwear safe which I turned in to the police as evidence hoping his DNA was on it since he ejaculated on me. He was arrested on a 2nd degree rape charge. Today I learned that he was apparently released and although I tried to contact the dective to make sure I was unsuccessful and panic. Right now im at a friends house who I had met back in November through my sister in PA because I let NJ after it happened. My family doesn’t understand or maybe doesn’t care I don’t know but for some reason this guy makes me feel safe and not knowing anyone around here he was were I ran to. Im scared because I fear he might follow through with his threats and hurt my babies or come after me and kill me. He said he would if I called the cops and I believe him. I been moving trying to get help and therapy but im so afraid for y life and the life of my children because DYFS wont take them out of his home and even though I have a court date for them this week im scared they wont give me my children back.
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LM I’m so sorry that you have been through so many different types of abuse and I truly hope you get your children back. Hopefully you have saved any threatening texts, voice messages or taken pictures of any bruising you have incurred. You have witnesses in your friends too. Also, hopefully you shared the threats he made on your children’s lives with the police, if not you need to do so immediately. I understand why you are staying with someone you feel safe with and that is perfectly fine. You need to have a sense of security right now. The 2 main steps I would suggest are most importantly have a safety plan and get counseling. You have no idea what this man is capable of and need to always have a safety plan, like a place to go, a bag ready with clothes, money, ID’s etc: Second, the counseling is not only going to help you deal with your past but your ex and also show the courts that you are in counseling because of the all the abuse (not mental issues). Your counseling might even be a character witness for you to help get your kids back. I would also highly recommend when you are stronger to take a self defense class. Don’t give up I admire your strength for yourself, your cousin and you kids. You are stronger than you know! Stay strong! Lynn
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Hello Lynn,
I was raped 8 months ago and and am still waiting for the trial. I was raped by a co worker and am sure I was drugged as well. I didn’t report it for three days because I was confused, scared, and he threatened me.
I was fired from my job for reporting it and “embarrassing” them. The person who raped me was a dentist.
I had to move away from my home town of 33 years because I couldn’t find a decent job after I was fired, and his (the rapists) family and friends were horrible to me in public and saying awful things about me all over town.
This has been an awful thing to go through and I have bad dreams about it. I thought this person was my friend.
I’m getting by but it is hard. I have one close friend who I can talk to about it where I’m currently living and I’m in counseling. I just want to be done w/the whole thing already. The thought of it taking so long to get to trial is the hard part. I also made the mistake of moving in with a new boyfriend and it was good for a couple of months but now he wants nothing to do w/me and barely talks to me. I feel more like a hindrance to him. I have a daughter as well and I can’t afford to move out as I’ve only found part time work.
In the mean time the person who raped me has been on 3 family vacations, one to Mexico even and just goes on like nothing happened. His wife whom he is rumored to abuse stands behind him 100% and believes that we just had a “one night stand” and that I’m lying.
Any advice on how to keep from getting depressed and down? During all this I lost my Mother to a heart attack and am having a terrible time in general just wanting to do anything. I just want to lay in bed. J
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J. I’m sorry this happened to you. You need to understand that rape is about control and and he obviously has complete control over his wife, if she stays in the marriage. When a person like that has control and have had it for a while, they tend to push the envelope to see how much more they can get. I’m proud of you that you turned him in and are taking him to court. Hopefully you have some evidence on him like your rape kit or pics, just any type of evidence on your behalf. The reason he is living his life is because he is trying to keep his wife happy and act like he did mothing wrong. Don’t let that fool you for a second, there is a reason he is doing that and it is to remain in control. But what he doesn’t have control over is the court system. And I don’t want him to have control over you anymore. Each day that goes by that this affects your emotions he is still in control over you. Now I understand the trial and having to deal with that is difficult, that isn’t what I’m talking about. What I’m saying is stay in counseling, if you don’t think that counselor is working switch it up. If you go to rainn.org you can find one near you that specializes in rape. But what I mean is I want you to wake up in the morning and the very first thing you think of is “I’m in control today, this is my life and NO ONE is going to control me”. This person has already taken so much from you he doesn’t deserve another second. When we live in a past that can’t be changed then we are loosing the future that we can change. You are doing all the right things, even though I know it doesn’t feel like it, you are and the day will come when you do feel like it. I’m proud of you that you didn’t let him scare you and you stood up for yourself! And seriously every time thoughts creep in your head I want you to stand up tall and say “No I’m in control” and make whatever change necessary at the moment to be exactly that, in control. Your future and your daughters future will be better, I promise. Stay strong! Lynn
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Hi Lyn!
I’m so sorry for what happened to you. Just like you, I’m a rape survivor, too. Here’s my story: http://joyrispaquit.wordpress.com/2014/05/07/the-voice/.
And now I’m a part of a growing movement that helps raise awareness on gender and rape issues. I also do free counselling to some rape survivors who reach me via mail. I wanna tell you I admire you a lot for doing your share in helping how other rape victims cope with their experiences. Thank you for you free advices. I also did talk therapy for half a year. You know what? I’ve just created a page on Facebook to encourage other rape victims to come out and I’ve just shared the link to your blog. May God bless us more! 🙂 //Joyris
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Joyris, Thanks so much for your kind words and sharing. This is my purpose in life now to help others. There unfortunately are so many so any way to spread the word that there is help is greatly appreciated! Godd Bless!
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Hi there,
I am so glad I have found your website. About 2 years ago I believe I was sexually assaulted by a work colleague. This occurred after a christmas party. My friend brought him back to the hotel room we were sharing and I distinctly remember telling this man that I would give him a christmas kiss but would not have sex with him or any other sexual activity because I am in a long term loving relationship and he made it clear it was fined he was intending to sleep with and she was single so who was I to judge? I got ready for bed and went to sleep with him “getting it on with my friend” – seedy I know but I was not in my local area and didn’t want to sleep in the corridor or bathroom of the hotel. I had consumed a fair bit of wine but am clear on these facts as I had just phoned my boyfriend to say goodnight. I went to bed with my pyjamas over my bra and knickers. I then woke in the night to find this man groping my breasts and vagina – to the point where he left bruises and really hurt me by thrusting his fingers through my pyjamas etc to my vagina (It was so painful it felt like he was punching me). I told him to stop this and he did and then he moved over to my friend. Alarm bells should have rung then and I should have kicked him out but I’m afraid I was in an intoxicated state and unable to deal with he issue at that time. I went back to sleep and when I got up in the morning he was gone. I never spoke of this again until recently because I was unclear whether I had told him it was ok because of how drunk I was but also because he did stop when I asked. Of this I am ashamed because my friend recently told me that he did the same thing to her although did stop when asked but she awoke to him groping her and trying to force his fist inside her underwear.
This man has recently started telling people that we had a threesome that night (2 years ago) and calling me and my friend “dirty bitches and whores” and spreading stories around my work (where I am his senior) and people are gossiping about the incident and accusing me of being a “whore”.
It gets even worse when I spoke to another close friend it transpires that when visiting her home he got into her bed and tried the same thing and has groped two other females when on nights out.
This man has made me feel ridiculous and non-credible because he spread these rumours when I chose to stay quiet and now I have no grounds to stand up against him because I look like I’m protesting too much. People at work think that i’m filthy, hell I even feel filthy and am terrified of this man as he clearly is a risk to females and i’m terrified that he will continue to hurt females and remain powerful over them.
I do not want to to go to the police as I have no evidence but I have no history of sexual promiscuity or false rumour making and I have no idea if what happened constitutes sexual assault but I am in pieces and have told my partner about the rumours but not what actually happened.
Please any help would be greatly appreciated as this man is at my work nearly every day and his presence is intimidating and making me feel like a liar when I know the truth.
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A. This man is accomplishing exactly what he wants and you and the other victims can not let him. I know you want to do something based on your post so do it. You say you don’t ave proof but you have the best proof there is – other victims! All you need is those other women to state their case too. You don’t even need them all (that would be great) but even 3 of you. The reason he is doing this is because sexual assault (in your case) or rape happens more by people that they know because it is easier to get out of because it’s your words against theirs and you both know the same people and they can get people to say on their part “Oh I would never think he is capable”. So they feel they have a better ground, better friends whatever, it’s all about control and he is controlling you and all the others which explains why he is blatantly doing it, because he can and he can get away with it! So you have to gather up these women and stand up for yourselves! Even if none of you have proof it’s the independent statement of events that will put him away. Once they see a trend and by that I don’t mean practice what you will say I mean be brutally honest and remember every detail for each one of you to tell the police and answer all questions with detail. This is what will give them the proof. It might be painful but the pain will go away, the regret you didn’t do it won’t, even if it’s just you and telling them you know other people it’s happened to (if they don’t want to come forward)! Stay strong! Lynn
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When I was 16 I went out some friends ended up hanging out with some not good kids and I knew this but wanted to have fun. We went to a empty house and some kids from school and some older kids were there they were drinking and smoking pot they offerd me some I said yes to the drink but said not to the drugs I had never done any type of drugs. So this guy made me a drink when we are done a car load of us go to a different house. It was a friends house her grandpa was out of town. When we got there I could already walk I had to be carried in I did not have that much to drink one glass and I had drank before and never felt like this way I begged my friend not the leave me alone with this guy he was kissing me and touching me I could hardly move or talk he carried me in a room and laid me on the bed my friend left and said you will be ok. This kid I knew went school with he started taking my cloths of I kept saying no please no and he said it’s ok will be over soon. I tried to get up I couldn’t my body felt heavy I could not left my head up. Some of its a blur I ended up with a blood nose which I do not remember him hitting me. He raped me over and over I guess 2 hours had went by he got up and opened the door and said I’m done with her she is ready for the next go get her she shouldn’t fight no more. At that time one of the girls said David is coming and everyone ran he was a kids probation officer who lived across the street. I managed to get up and dress and made my way across the street they cleaned the blood off my face and called my parents I did not say anything to them I could not talk they thought I got into a fight. I was taken home and asked to talk to my mom alone and she said no what ever you have to say you can say it In front of your dad and brother. I was going to tell her what happen but I didn’t want to talk to everyone they were so mad at me for lieing to them. I had lied so I could go out told them I was at the drive in. I asked to take a shower they said no I could wait tell morning so I had to sleep with him all over me I just didn’t understand. The next day I knew I could not tell anyone these kids are bad kids they scared me I knew I had to stay quit the probation officer came by and tried to get me to talk he knew something happen but I did not tell him I knew they would come after me some of the kids was in a gang. Before that night I was a good kid never got in trouble never had sex. I blame myself even to this day because I put myself in that position I lied to my parents and I knew these kids were bad and I choose to go. I had to see this kid at school every day. I’m now 37 and it still effects me to this day. That was just the first time I was raped I then got married when I was 18 and he was abusive we had a kid together so I tried to make it work but It got really bad he would beat me and would force himself on me anytime I refused to have sex with him one day he beat me and forced himself on me In front of my son who was one and half. That’s when I knew I had to leave or my son was going to see his dad kill his mom. I left him and had met a wonderful man but my husband wanted me back so I went back thinking maybe cause I never left him before it was ok for mo then one night he wanted to have sex and I wasn’t ready we had agreed to wait tell I was ready it made him so mad he begin to hit me and tied me up and forced himself on me all night. I Finley got away in the morning he feel asleep and I got untied and ran. At the time I was young and didn’t know what he did to me was considered rape cause he was my husband so I did not report it I blamed on myself. I moved out but he continued to be abusive when I would drop are son off he would hit me even to this day he says he will get me when I least except it for leaving him he say we we’re married and that binds us to gather forever. I’m happily married that man I meet the first time I left my first husband I left my husband we meet again and we have been together now for 16 years he is a wonderful husband and father never has laid a hand on me. That was the 2nd time I was raped.
When I was 27 I took up running and one night I fixed supper and it started to get late but I wanted to get my run in I was working hard to get my time right. I went for a run and half way done it was dark but I had to finish when I was about 4 blocks away from my house this man grabs me and takes me in the alley it napped so fast I didn’t know what was happening intel he duct tape my mouth then I tried to get away but he had something sharp and cut me he was so strong he was on top of me raping me and I managed to get him off off me and tried to crawl away he hit me I the back of the head and I fell face down and he continue to rape me from behind. He started choking me at some point I passed out when I came to I was alone and confused I got up and went to a house and passed out again the cops was called. And I know this is different from my first two I put myself in those position but this one I did not but I do blame myself because I knew better then to be out that late. I feel like something is wrong me who gets raped 3 times it has changed my life for ever I still can’t seem to deal with I closed down and never have dealt with what happen to me. Thank god for the wonderful husband he did not leave me stood by my side but I do not talk to him about it cause he blames himself saying he should of protected me better. So I don’t want to cause him any pain this happen in 2005 and I can’t get over it. Feeling lost
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MDT. First let me start with NONE of these rapes were your fault. Just because you may have one out with the wrong people or married the wrong guy does not mean you were giving the OK to be raped. You have to let go of that and as soon as you truly believe this wasn’t your fault there will be such a weight lifted off you. It’s the start in the healing process. Then you NEED counseling. You don’t need to talk about it with your husband you need to talk about it with a professional that can help you. As you can tell this doesn’t go away with time, it’s not something we just can forget about. It’s something that we need to learn to deal with and that starts by talking and getting it out. The more you let out the more room you have to heal. So find a counselor and get the help you deserve for you and your marriage. I’m so glad that you finally found someone who loves you and supports you! Stay strong! Lynn
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a little over a year ago i was kidnapped from outside my home by three men, blindfolded, taking to an undisclosed location and raped repeatedly. i was then dropped off in the middle of no where – i guess in my case you can call it submissive rape. I remember mentally blanking out, one minute i was aware the next i wasn’t , at times i would come to realizing that they had switched “turns” i guess. i remember just laying there on the ground , thinking i was going to die and asking God to forgive me. Since hen i did a few months of counselling but i stopped suddenly. i just couldn’t take rehashing everything. I went through depression, fear, denial, anxiety, extreme happiness, to extreme emptiness. I hated my self, i cut off all of my hair. I started smoking and drinking to numb my pain, i pretended to everyone that i was okay- i went on as if nothing had happened. all the while deep down inside i was hollow and empty. I ached in my soul. i stopped going to church, i stopped hanging out with friends, i stopped caring about getting healthy because i just didn’t want to have to feel any pain. I just wanted to be alone and if i was around family , friend or co-workers then i faked “I’m okay”. It hurts every day, every day….. some-days i am able to mask it well, i go through long patches of “okay-ness” and sometimes, sometimes i truly am ok but then the emotional cutting begins and i try to use anything to hurt myself emotionally just to feel the low because that pain, is better then the ache in my soul that just wont go away. I know i need to seek help, i know that i need to work on healing. I know i need to use the tools and techniques i did learn in counselling and some days i do…. and some days , some days i just cant … i have to stop running and i guess this is my cry for help or my want to heal…. no one understands what this is feels like and i hate that unless you have been through it you cant identify because i would never wish this one anyone else. my whole life has changed and i don’t know how to get back to were i once was. My independence, gone, i lose sleep , I scare way to easily, i cant drive alone or live by myself, I’m dependant on others for things i never had to before and my relationship , well… he ‘s sweet, he is care , he is supportive but he has no idea how to help and i know it is not him that needs to heal me , this is a journey i have to take my self … i guess what i am trying to say is I am lost and I need help….
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N. Counseling is the answer and I know that’s probably not what you want to hear but that is the only thing that is going to get you out of this and back on the track of a normal happy life. Have you considered group counseling? There you will meet people that do understand and hear their coping skills. More importantly you build relationships that will bond you in a way like no others. If you can’t do group at least get back into one on one. Your life is worth it and so is your future. I know it’s not easy but it is easier than what you have already been through. You need to know the more you let out the more room you have to heal. So keeping it locked up inside and acting like nothing is wrong is making everything worse and eating you up mentally and physically so you’ve got to let it out. Also have you thought of taking a self defense class? This truly helps a lot with you being able to be alone. It helps with your overall confidence and I think it is something you definitely should consider as well. Stay strong! Lynn
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background: sadly this was not my first big “R”… first time I was 9, second was 16, then this time.
I was dating my boss (BAD idea!!) moved in with him and everything. things seemed to be going really well. I trusted him. Big mistake.
there were a few times when I didn’t really want to have sex, but he “convinced me”. then I flat out said “NO! I don’t want to!” and pushed him away. He did what he wanted (whilst I cried the whole time) and got up and left.
I started packing. Found a safe place to go. Then he asked me why I was leaving him. I told him that what he did was complete crap and I wont be treated like a sexual toy. He said that his wife wouldn’t put out for him when they were together and he didn’t want to “deal” with it from me, and that he didn’t notice me pushing and saying no. BS!! (!@#%ing *#@)
So, I left. don’t talk to him. hasn’t even been a month yet and Im afraid of EVERYTHING!! Afraid to go outside, afraid to be left alone, afraid to take my dog for a walk, afraid to goto friends houses, afraid to sleep, afraid to shower, ect.
I feel like a beaten puppy. 😥
I have ppl to talk to. counseling app is made. still Afraid. I think I always will be. not feeling overly optimistic about everything this time.
is this whats going to happen for the rest of my life? am I going to continually meet ppl who don’t take no as an answer? seriously? wtf is wrong with me and my head? why do I let these idiots into my life???!!!
SCREAM!!!
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Afraid of Everything, So I can literally say I know how you feel I didn’t leave my house for months after it happened and I lived alone. I had friends grocery shop for me for a month. So I get it BUT let me tell you what I’m getting from your story. First you didn’t stay with him you knew you had to get to a safe place, first step which many do not take. Second, you know you need help and have already made your counseling appt this step is what is going to get your life back. I realize you hurt and it’s none stop right now and you are questioning everything but what I want you to focus on are your strengths! You didn’t make him do what he did to you but you DID exactly what you need to do for you! Meaning you didn’t let him keep control, you took it back and you are doing the right thing for you and your future! So take all the bad energy and put it into your future because that’s what you have control of, not the past. And you are not to blame for anything in the past, just because you trust people doesn’t make you bad. It’s them that have the issues of no morals and bad decisions. And one more thing don’t give up on the counseling even if you have to change counselors, don’t give up because that’s you giving up on your future. Stay strong! Lynn
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